9: Julia Sweeney - This American Life
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00:00 00:00 Transcript Share This American Life Life Partners How to Listen Episodes Recommended About Overview Staff Announcements Fellowships Jobs Music Make Radio On The Road FAQ Submissions Merch Contact Us Our Other Shows Merch Follow Us Life Partners Subscribe to our newsletter Full episode Toggle Audio and Transcript Sync Transcript | Episode #9 | June 9, 2006 9: Julia Sweeney Note: This American Life is produced for the ear and designed to be heard.
00:00 00:00 文字记录 分享此 美国生活 生活伙伴 如何收听 剧集 推荐 关于 概述 员工公告 奖学金 工作 音乐 在路上制作电台 常见问题解答 提交 商品 联系我们 我们的其他节目 商品 关注我们 生活伙伴 订阅我们的时事通讯 整集 切换音频和文字记录同步 文字记录 | 内容第 9 集 | 2006 年 6 月 9 日 9：Julia Sweeney 注：《This American Life》是为耳朵而制作的，旨在让人们听到。
If you are able, we strongly encourage you to listen to the audio, which includes emotion and emphasis that's not on the page.
如果可以的话，我们强烈建议您收听音频，其中包括页面上没有的情感和重点。
Transcripts are generated using a combination of speech recognition software and human transcribers, and may contain errors.
文字记录是使用语音识别软件和人工转录员结合生成的，可能包含错误。
Please check the corresponding audio before quoting in print.
请在印刷版引用前检查相应的音频。
Prologue Ira Glass OK, here's something that most of us would never, ever do.
序言 Ira Glass 好吧，这是我们大多数人永远不会做的事情。
When Julia Sweeney's brother got cancer, and then she got cancer, she decided she wanted to talk about it with strangers from a stage in a comedy club.
当朱莉娅·斯威尼的哥哥得了癌症，然后她也得了癌症时，她决定在喜剧俱乐部的舞台上与陌生人谈论这件事。
After the worst of all these times was over, she turned some of these stories into a one-woman show, which became a book and a movie.
在最糟糕的时期过去后，她把其中一些故事变成了一个女人的表演，变成了一本书和一部电影。
But there's something about these original recordings that she made.
但她制作的这些原创录音还是有一些东西的。
During the same weeks that some of the most horrible things that can happen to a person were happening to her, there's something about these recordings which is just very remarkable.
在同一个星期，一些可能发生在一个人身上的最可怕的事情发生在她身上，这些录音中有一些非常了不起的东西。
Her feelings are right there on the surface.
她的感情就表现在表面上。
There's this saying that comedy equals tragedy plus time, which isn't always true but is mostly true.
有句话说，喜剧等于悲剧加时间，这句话并不总是正确的，但大部分都是正确的。
And in this case, there is just no time, right?
在这种情况下，根本就没有时间，对吧？
Sometimes you get the feeling when you hear these recordings that she's talking about these things for the very first time with anybody.
有时，当您听到这些录音时，您会感觉她是第一次与任何人谈论这些事情。
And it's from a stage.
这是来自舞台的。
Well, from WBEZ Chicago, it's This American Life , distributed by Public Radio International.
好吧，这是芝加哥 WBEZ 的《This American Life》，由国际公共广播电台发行。
I'm Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯。
This, of course, is your weekly program documenting everyday life in these United States through whatever means and tactics seem necessary.
当然，这是您的每周节目，通过任何看似必要的手段和策略记录美国的日常生活。
And of course, most weeks, we choose a theme, bring you a variety of different kinds of stories on that theme, documentaries, monologues, found tapes, occasional radio plays, anything we can think of.
当然，大多数时候，我们都会选择一个主题，为您带来有关该主题的各种不同类型的故事、纪录片、独白、找到的磁带、偶尔的广播剧，以及我们能想到的任何内容。
But today, what we're going to do is devote the entire program to just one thing, to this very unusual set of comic monologues.
但今天，我们要做的就是将整个节目专注于一件事，即这组非常不寻常的喜剧独白。
Today show's is going to proceed in two acts.
今天的演出将分两幕进行。
Act One, Julia's Brother Gets Cancer.
第一幕，朱莉娅的兄弟得了癌症。
Act Two, Julia is diagnosed with cancer herself and gets treated.
第二幕，朱莉娅自己被诊断出患有癌症并接受治疗。
These recordings were made between October of 1994 and August of 1995 at a regular weekly comedy show called Un-Cabaret in Los Angeles, run by Beth Lapides and Greg Miller.
这些录音是在 1994 年 10 月至 1995 年 8 月之间在洛杉矶的每周定期喜剧节目《Un-Cabaret》中录制的，该节目由贝丝·拉皮德斯 (Beth Lapides) 和格雷格·米勒 (Greg Miller) 主持。
Un-Cabaret started off as this kind of experiment in reaction to the predictability and lowest-common-denominator mentality of a lot of stand-up comedy.
Un-Cabaret 最初是作为这种实验来回应许多单口喜剧的可预测性和最小公分母心态的。
The rules of Un-Cabaret were that no comic was allowed to tell a story that he or she had ever told on stage before.
Un-Cabaret 的规则是任何喜剧演员都不得讲述他或她以前在舞台上讲过的故事。
So spontaneity was just built into the structure of it.
所以自发性就被内置到了它的结构中。
And the way it would work is that every Sunday night, back in its early days, five or six people would go up, often with notes in their hands, onto the stage, and then do this thing that was somewhere between traditional stand-up and diary and a kind of reportage.
它的运作方式是，在早期，每个周日晚上，五六个人都会上台，通常手里拿着笔记，然后做这种介于传统单口喜剧、日记和报告文学之间的事情。
It had its own very particular kind of feeling to it.
它有它自己非常特殊的感觉。
Some quick caveats before we begin.
在我们开始之前有一些简短的警告。
These tapes are made from the soundboard at Un-Cabaret.
这些磁带是由 Un-Cabaret 的音板制成的。
And so the sound quality isn't always the greatest.
因此音质并不总是最好的。
Also, sometimes you're going to hear laughing and off-stage comments during the monologues.
此外，有时你会在独白期间听到笑声和台下的评论。
And these are from the MC and ringmaster at Un-Cabaret, Beth Lapides.
这些来自 Un-Cabaret 的 MC 和领班 Beth Lapides。
Some things you should know about Julia Sweeney before we start that she refers to in these monologues.
在我们开始之前，你应该了解一些关于朱莉娅·斯威尼（Julia Sweeney）的事情，她在这些独白中提到了这些事情。
She was in the cast of Saturday Night Live for a while.
她曾在《周六夜现场》的演员阵容中呆过一段时间。
She's best known for a character named Pat.
她最出名的是一个名叫帕特的角色。
And the joke with Pat was that nobody could ever tell if Pat was a man or a woman.
帕特的笑话是，没有人能分辨帕特是男人还是女人。
And there was a Pat movie, which, as she refers to, didn't really do too well.
还有一部帕特的电影，正如她所说，这部电影的票房并不太好。
So to these tapes.
所以对于这些磁带。
This first bit is from October 23, 1994.
第一段来自 1994 年 10 月 23 日。
And you know how part of being sick is dealing with everybody in your life when you're sick?
你知道当你生病时如何与你生活中的每个人打交道吗？
A lot of the stories that Julia Sweeney tells about cancer are basically just stories about her family.
朱莉娅·斯威尼讲述的许多关于癌症的故事基本上都是关于她家人的故事。
Her brother moved in with her when he got cancer to be near the cancer treatment center very early in his illness.
她的哥哥在患病初期就搬到了癌症治疗中心附近，与她住在一起。
And then her parents moved in soon after that.
不久之后她的父母就搬进来了。
OK, my parents are staying with me this week.
好的，我父母这周和我住在一起。
And when I say this week, I mean it's just the first of many weeks.
当我说本周时，我的意思是这只是许多周中的第一周。
They keep saying, "Now, we've got to start planning the Thanksgiving dinner." And then my mom goes, "Why are you crying?" And I go, "Oh, my eyes are watering.
他们一直说：“现在，我们必须开始计划感恩节晚餐了。”然后我妈妈就问：“你为什么哭？”我说：“哦，我的眼睛在流泪。
I have this weird problem with my sinuses." It's a special feeling to be in your mid-30s and have your parents moving in with you.
我的鼻窦有这个奇怪的问题。”当你三十多岁的时候，父母搬来和你一起住，这是一种特别的感觉。
I haven't revealed why my parents are here for so long until this time.
直到这次我才透露我父母为何在这里呆了这么久。
And I'm trying to think very hard about the most hilarious way I can get this across.
我正在努力思考如何用最搞笑的方式来表达这一点。
Oh, please be with me tonight.
哦，今晚请和我在一起。
All right.
好的。
So briefly, there's five kids in our family.
简而言之，我们家有五个孩子。
I'm the oldest.
我是最年长的。
And my brother, who's the fourth child, got lymph cancer.
我的兄弟，他是第四个孩子，得了淋巴癌。
Hold for laughs.
坚持一下，笑一笑。
And it's a very tragic, terrible situation, although he's doing very well.
尽管他做得很好，但这是一个非常悲惨、可怕的情况。
And he is at the UCLA Cancer Center.
他在加州大学洛杉矶分校癌症中心。
And every day, he has radiation, and every other day, he has a spinal tap and spinal chemo.
每天，他都会接受放射治疗，每隔一天，他就会接受脊髓穿刺和脊髓化疗。
And every three weeks, he has the big chemo.
每三周，他就要进行一次大化疗。
So all you need to know about this is that I am with my parents, but in a very trying situation where I can't really yell at them for the small, annoying things that they do-- which I would do normally-- because of the largess of the total situation.
所以你需要知道的是，我和我的父母在一起，但在一个非常艰难的情况下，我不能真的因为他们所做的小而烦人的事情而对他们大喊大叫——我通常会这样做——因为总体情况很大。
And yet, for you, I can kvetch a little bit.
然而，对于你，我还是有点不满。
All right.
好的。
So anyway, suffice it to say, we're at UCLA Cancer Center every day for several hours.
无论如何，我只想说，我们每天都会在加州大学洛杉矶分校癌症中心呆上几个小时。
My mother-- who is, by the way, the same age as Dustin Hoffman.
我的母亲——顺便说一句，她和达斯汀·霍夫曼同龄。
They were born on the same day.
他们是同一天出生的。
Keep this in mind.
请记住这一点。
Every time we get on an elevator, she acts like it's a miracle invention that she's never encountered before.
每次我们坐电梯时，她都表现得好像这是她以前从未遇到过的奇迹发明。
And you can imagine how many times we get on elevators in a given day.
你可以想象我们一天乘电梯多少次。
Many elevators.
许多电梯。
Every time I get on the elevator, even if it's just she and I getting on the elevator, I immediately push the "door open" button because it takes so [BLEEP] long for her to get in the elevator.
每次我上电梯，即使只有她和我上电梯，我也会立即按下“开门”按钮，因为她需要[哔]很长时间才能进入电梯。
And every time, she goes, "Oh, oh!" when the elevator arrives.
每次，她都会说：“哦，哦！”当电梯到达时。
And then I go in and push the "door open," and then she goes, "Oh!" And then she takes a moment before she goes over the chasm between the hallway and the elevator itself, that little metal thing.
然后我进去推“门”，然后她说：“哦！”然后她花了一点时间才跨过走廊和电梯之间的鸿沟，那个金属小东西。
"Hurry up because the doors are going to close automatically!" God!
“快点，门要自动关上了！”上帝！
And then, she always get in, and then she looks up like, "Oh!" And then when we go, she goes, [INAUDIBLE GESTURE] And then when they open, she goes, "Oh?" It's like, I really don't think Dustin Hoffman does that.
然后，她总是进去，然后她抬起头来，“哦！”然后当我们走的时候，她说，[听不清的手势] 然后当他们打开时，她说，“哦？”就像，我真的不认为达斯汀·霍夫曼会这么做。
And how many millions of times have we been on elevators together?
我们一起乘坐电梯有多少次了？
A billion.
十亿。
So the other thing is, my mother, she's from that generation that thinks that you would never get a second opinion about anything because doctors know everything.
所以另一件事是，我的母亲，她属于那一代人，她认为你永远不会对任何事情得到第二意见，因为医生知道一切。
And also, she believes that all doctors have the same amount of knowledge in every area.
而且，她相信所有医生在每个领域都拥有相同的知识。
So we're talking to the lymph specialist, and then we'll be walking down the hall, and there'll be a group of doctors.
所以我们正在和淋巴专家交谈，然后我们会沿着大厅走，那里会有一群医生。
We know because they're men.
我们知道，因为他们是男人。
And they're not rushing around looking very caring.
而且他们看起来并没有东奔西走，看起来很关心。
That's the signal.
这就是信号。
And then she goes, "There's some doctors.
然后她说：“有一些医生。
Go ask them if they know about lymph cancer."
去问问他们知不知道淋巴癌。”
And I go, "We're talking to the lymph cancer specialist in the country.
我说：“我们正在与该国的淋巴癌专家交谈。
I think he knows the most about lymph cancer.
我认为他对淋巴癌最了解。
I don't know what these doctors do." And she goes, "Well, I got the home phone number of Dr. Nishamura, my old OB/GYN.
我不知道这些医生是做什么的。”她说：“嗯，我得到了我以前的妇产科医生 Nishamura 医生的家庭电话号码。
And I was thinking you should call him and ask him about Mike's condition." So I go, "Mom, I really don't think a gynecologist who's been retired for 20 years is going to know that much about this."
我想你应该给他打电话，询问他迈克的情况。”于是我说：“妈妈，我真的不认为一个已经退休 20 年的妇科医生会知道这么多。”
OK, but you wonder, what's Dad doing?
好吧，但你想知道爸爸在做什么？
He reads.
他读书。
He just buries himself in reading.
他只是埋头读书。
And then, my dad is a diabetic.
然后，我爸爸是一名糖尿病患者。
Hmm, weird.
嗯，奇怪。
And then my brother, who is now living with me also, he gives himself shots every day for his blood counts.
然后我的兄弟，现在也和我住在一起，他每天都给自己注射血细胞计数。
And so there's just syringes hanging around my house.
所以我的房子周围就挂着注射器。
And so a common thing for me is like, "OK, who left their syringes on the kitchen table?
所以对我来说，常见的事情是，“好吧，谁把注射器落在厨房的桌子上了？
Dad?
爸爸？
We have to throw them away and break the needle." All right.
我们必须把它们扔掉并折断针。”好的。
OK, so this is all an introduction to last Thursday.
好的，这就是上周四的全部介绍。
And then I get to the The Pope, so just wait.
然后我就到了教皇那里，所以就等吧。
OK, so we're in the doctor's office.
好的，我们现在在医生办公室。
And Mike, who's doing really great and is responding really well to the treatment, but he's had so many spinal taps that they can't get into his spinal column anymore.
迈克的情况非常好，对治疗的反应也非常好，但他接受了多次脊椎穿刺，以至于再也无法进入他的脊柱。
So the doctors come in.
于是医生就进来了。
And my dad's reading about the plague in India, because that's a good diversion.
我爸爸正在阅读有关印度瘟疫的书，因为这是一个很好的消遣。
And my mom is looking at the doctors and saying, "Now, he looks single." And this doctor comes in, and he says, "Michael, we can't get into your spinal column anymore.
我妈妈看着医生说：“现在，他看起来单身。”这位医生进来了，他说：“迈克尔，我们不能再进入你的脊柱了。
So we're thinking about putting a shunt in your head."
所以我们正在考虑在你的头部安装分流器。”
And my brother goes, "What?" And he goes, "A shunt." And I go, "A shunt, like an artificial opening to the brain." And Mike goes, "Well, where would this shunt be?" And the doctor goes, "Well, the best place we've found is to put it in the forehead." And Mike goes, "If you think I am going to get a faucet put into my forehead.
我哥哥问道：“什么？”他说：“分流。”我说：“分流术，就像大脑的人工开口。”迈克问道：“那么，这个分流器会在哪里呢？”医生说：“嗯，我们发现的最好的地方就是把它放在额头上。”迈克说道：“如果你认为我会把水龙头放在我的额头上。
I'm already 90 pounds and I have no hair.
我已经90磅了，而且没有头发。
I am not going to walk around for a year with a faucet sticking of my forehead." And my mom goes, "No, I think it's more like a spigot."
我不会在一年内走路时额头都被水龙头粘着。”我妈妈说：“不，我认为它更像是一个龙头。”
And then the doctor goes, "But the people we know, the patients that have the shunt, they love it.
然后医生说：“但是我们认识的人，接受分流术的病人，他们喜欢它。
Oh, they thank me for it because the pain is so much less, and when we do the operation, because it's in the brain, there's no pain." And my brother goes, "Oh, that's because you give them lobotomies before you put the faucet in!" And then my dad's looking up from his article on the plague.
哦，他们为此感谢我，因为疼痛减轻了很多，而且当我们做手术时，因为手术是在大脑中，所以没有疼痛。”我哥哥说：“哦，那是因为你在打开水龙头之前给他们做了脑白质切除术！”然后我爸爸从他关于瘟疫的文章中抬起头来。
Anyway, as you can imagine, I got a little depressed that [INAUDIBLE].
不管怎样，正如你可以想象的那样，我有点沮丧[听不清]。
So Thursday night, I decided that I wanted-- because, as you may know, The Pope wrote a book, and it came out on Thursday.
所以周四晚上，我决定我想要——因为，你可能知道，教皇写了一本书，并在周四出版。
So I had to be right there to get it.
所以我必须到场才能拿到它。
And also, I wanted to get away from my home.
而且，我想离开我的家。
So I get into my car, and I'm driving to Book Soup, and sadness, the new current trend in thinking, overtook me.
于是我钻进车里，开往书汤店，悲伤——当前思维的新趋势——席卷了我。
And I had no makeup on, a little lipstick, and overalls, which are not a good choice for me.
而且我没有化妆，涂了一点口红，穿着工装裤，这对我来说不是一个好的选择。
And I looked terrible, but I though I'd go to Book Soup.
我看起来很糟糕，但我想我会去书汤。
And then I started crying.
然后我开始哭泣。
And I started thinking, oh, why, why, why?
我开始想，哦，为什么，为什么，为什么？
Why can't it just end?
为什么就不能结束呢？
I just don't want to go on.
我只是不想再继续下去了。
And if I am going to end and I really am just going to be over, why can't I smoke?
如果我就要结束了，而且我真的就要结束了，为什么我不能抽烟呢？
Because who cares if I get lung cancer?
因为谁关心我是否得肺癌？
I'm not going live that long to even have lung cancer.
我连得肺癌都活不了那么久。
So I'm going to buy some cigarettes.
所以我要去买一些香烟。
Yes!
是的！
I'm going to buy a cigarette and I'm going to smoke it.
我要去买一支烟，然后抽起来。
And I'm going to go to Book Soup and I'm going to buy that book from The Pope.
我要去 Book Soup，从教皇那里买那本书。
So I'm sobbing and sobbing.
所以我一边抽泣一边抽泣。
So I get to Book Soup.
所以我去书汤。
And I kind of wipe my eyes, and I they're all red and everything.
我擦了擦眼睛，发现它们全都是红色的。
So then I go in, and then suddenly, I'm kind of seized with a moment of embarrassment-- for some reason that I don't understand, since I get embarrassed continually throughout the day with no problem, apparently-- about asking for this book that The Pope wrote.
然后我进去了，然后突然间，我有点尴尬了——出于某种我不明白的原因，因为我一整天都在不断地感到尴尬，显然没有问题——关于索要教皇写的这本书。
So I come in and I kind of scan the bookstore out to see if there-- I was looking for a big 10-foot cutout of The Pope with his hands out and the book.
所以我走进去，扫视了一下书店，看看是否有——我在寻找一个 10 英尺高的教皇伸出双手和书的剪纸。
There wasn't one.
没有一个。
So I had to go to the information desk.
所以我不得不去问讯处。
And I go, "Hi, I'm looking for a book that came out today." And the guy goes, "Oh, jeez, it's right over there." And I'm thinking, "The Pope's doing some business on these books." So I go over to this area, and it's that Resnick Nicole Simpson book.
我说：“嗨，我正在寻找一本今天出版的书。”那家伙说：“哦，天哪，就在那里。”我在想，“教皇在这些书上做了一些生意。”所以我转到这个领域，这是雷斯尼克·妮可·辛普森的书。
So then I go back, and I go, "No, not the Resnick book.
然后我回去，然后说：“不，不是雷斯尼克的书。
The Pope.
教皇。
The Pope's book." So I go over and I get the Pope's Book, this book.
教皇的书。”所以我走过去，拿到了教皇的书，这本书。
And then I think, oh, I don't really want to just buy The Pope's book.
然后我想，哦，我真的不想只买教皇的书。
So somehow, I end up in the self-help section.
所以不知何故，我最终进入了自助部分。
Hmm.
唔。
And I'm looking at titles like Can You Live Through This?
我正在看《你能挺过这个吗？》之类的书。
and You Can Make It and Why Do Things Happen to People and stuff like that.
你可以做到，为什么事情会发生在人们身上等等。
And then finally, I find this book-- oh, I wrote down the title.
最后，我找到了这本书——哦，我写下了书名。
It was An Atheist's Guide to Getting Through the Day.
这是无神论者度过这一天的指南。
There is a tomorrow.
还有明天。
I thought, that's the book for me.
我想，这就是适合我的书。
So now I have The Atheist's Guide to Getting Through the Day and The Pope's book.
现在我有了《无神论者的度过一天指南》和《教皇的书》。
And I'm thinking, all right, I think I'm covered.
我想，好吧，我想我已经被覆盖了。
And there's not very many people in the book store, and I keep having to remind you how awful I look.
书店里的人不多，我不得不不断提醒你我看起来有多糟糕。
And all of a sudden-- now, this is the most embarrassing thing I'll ever say at Un-Cabaret-- without any warning, I let out the biggest fart.
突然之间——现在，这是我在 Un-Cabaret 说过的最尴尬的话——在没有任何警告的情况下，我放了一个最大的屁。
And I am not someone who has any problem with that.
我对此没有任何问题。
And I also find no humor in that kind of humor.
而且我在那种幽默中也找不到幽默。
And it's like a whistle has gone off at Book Soup.
Book Soup 的口哨声响起了。
It's just like everyone looks up.
就像每个人都抬头看一样。
And then I don't how whether to rush out of that area or look around or-- it was terrible.
然后我不知道是否要冲出那个区域，还是环顾四周，或者——这太可怕了。
OK, so right at that moment, this guy comes up and goes, "Julia?" Like, "You heard my call.
好吧，就在那一刻，这个人走过来，“朱莉娅？”就像，“你听到了我的电话。
You recognized my fart." Anyway, I don't recognize him at all.
你认出了我的屁。”反正我根本不认识他。
And I go, "Hi." And he goes, "Oh, you don't recognize me, do you?" And I go, [MAKES UNCOMFORTABLE SOUNDS]
我说：“嗨。”他说：“哦，你不认识我了，是吗？”然后我走了，[发出不舒服的声音]
And he goes, "Marshall from The Groundlings." And I go-- who I have no memory of-- "Marshall, oh, Marshall.
他说：“来自地面人的马歇尔。”然后我——我不记得了——“马歇尔，哦，马歇尔。
Here I am.
我在这里。
I'm getting the Pope's book.
我要拿到教皇的书。
How are you?" And he goes, "So hey, when's the Pat movie coming out?" Big, red eyes.
你怎么样？”他说：“嘿，帕特的电影什么时候上映？”又大又红的眼睛。
OK, here's my standard response.
好的，这是我的标准回应。
"They opened it in Houston and Seattle, and nobody went or liked it.
“他们在休斯顿和西雅图开设了它，但没有人去或喜欢它。
So, I don't know."
所以，我不知道。”
And he goes, "Oh, so it was a bomb." And I go, "Just because no one saw it, that means it's a bomb?
他说：“哦，原来这是一枚炸弹。”我说：“仅仅因为没有人看到它，就意味着它是一枚炸弹？
It's a hit to me." And he goes, "Oh, well anyway, I'm sorry." And he goes, "So hey, how's Steve?" And I go, "Oh, well, we got divorced this year, but amicably.
这对我来说是一个打击。”他说：“哦，无论如何，我很抱歉。”他说：“嘿，史蒂夫怎么样？”我说：“哦，好吧，我们今年离婚了，不过是友好离婚。
And really good friend.
而且真的是好朋友。
He's seeing someone, and we talk every day."
他正在约会某人，我们每天都会说话。”
"Oh, no, you guys were the cutest couple."
“哦，不，你们是最可爱的一对。”
"Yeah, well." And then he goes, "Oh, is your brother still running the box office at The Groundlings?" And I go, "Well, no." He goes, "Oh, what's he up to?" "Well, he's got lymph cancer.
“是啊，好吧。”然后他说：“哦，你哥哥还在掌管《The Groundlings》的票房吗？”我说：“好吧，不。”他说：“哦，他在做什么？” “嗯，他得了淋巴癌。
Stage four.
第四阶段。
And so, well, I'm going to go pay for my books."
所以，好吧，我要去付书费了。”
So I put back the atheist book, because I really thought my book is really The Agnostic's Guide to Getting Through the Day.
所以我把无神论者的书放回去，因为我真的认为我的书真的是《不可知论者的度过一天的指南》。
I have a little hope.
我还有一点希望。
Not a lot.
不是很多。
OK.
好的。
So I go out, I go across the street, I buy a pack of cigarettes.
所以我出去，穿过马路，买了一包香烟。
So now I'm really going to enjoy myself.
所以现在我真的要尽情享受了。
I get into the car.
我上了车。
My family uses my car all the time for transportation purposes.
我的家人一直使用我的汽车作为交通工具。
It's the normal use of a car.
这是汽车的正常使用。
And they hate cigarette smoke, like anyone should.
他们讨厌香烟烟雾，就像任何人都应该的那样。
OK, so I roll down all the windows, and I'm smoking, and I'm actually starting to feel better because Marshall was just such a horrific situation that you could only feel better.
好吧，所以我摇下所有的窗户，我在抽烟，我实际上开始感觉好多了，因为马歇尔的处境是如此可怕，你只能感觉好一些。
You just had to go up.
你只需要上去。
So I'm smoking, and I'm really happy.
所以我抽烟了，我真的很高兴。
And then finally, I'm getting close to home, so I throw the cigarette out.
最后，我快到家了，所以我把香烟扔掉了。
And then I keep driving, and all of a sudden, I smell this really smoky smell.
然后我继续开车，突然间，我闻到了一股烟味。
And then I pull into the driveway, and I turn around, and my back seat is on fire.
然后我把车开进车道，转身，我的后座着火了。
The cigarette has flown back into the car and had ignited my seats in the back.
香烟飞回车里，点燃了我后排的座位。
So I get out of the car, and I throw the cigarette out, and I'm feeling very like a girl who's just been smoking pot or something going into the house.
所以我下了车，把香烟扔掉，我感觉就像一个刚进屋抽大麻或其他东西的女孩。
Oh, which by the way, the prescribed pot for my brother, so my brother's also just smoking pot all around the house all the time.
哦，顺便说一下，这是给我哥哥指定的大麻，所以我哥哥也一直在房子周围抽大麻。
So I go in, and as soon as I get in, my mom goes, "I want to use your car keys.
所以我进去了，我一进去，我妈妈就说：“我想用你的车钥匙。
I have to go to the store and get something." And I go, "Oh, god, you can't believe what just happened to me.
我得去商店买点东西。”我说：“天啊，你简直不敢相信发生在我身上的事。
I was driving down Sunset, and this old man smoking a cigarette threw it out of his car.
我开车沿着日落大道行驶，这个抽烟的老人把烟扔出了车外。
And I noticed, because I thought, smoking is terrible.
我注意到了，因为我认为吸烟很糟糕。
And I got back, and the cigarette had landed in my car and burnt a hole into the back seat.
当我回来时，香烟落在了我的车里，并在后座上烧出了一个洞。
And my mom's like, "Oh, that's the most horrible thing I've ever heard." And she's going, "Now, an old man was smoking next to you?
我妈妈说：“哦，这是我听过的最可怕的事情。”她说：“现在，一个老人在你旁边抽烟？
And I'm like, "Yes, right next to me.
我说：“是的，就在我旁边。
Well, on the passenger-- I had the passenger window open where he would be on the other side of the-- because-- yes.
好吧，在乘客身上——我打开了乘客的窗户，他就在另一边——因为——是的。
And I noticed him, that creep." And so she goes, "Oh, that's so horrible." So she takes the car and goes.
我注意到了他，那个变态。”所以她说：“哦，那太可怕了。”于是她就开车走了。
And then the next morning, my dad and mom are coming out, and the cigarette that was the culprit was on the driveway.
第二天早上，我爸爸和妈妈出来了，罪魁祸首的香烟就在车道上。
And my dad looks down.
我爸爸低下头。
I go, "Well, there's the cigarette." My dad picks it up, and he goes, "There's lipstick on it." And I go, "Oh!" And my mom goes, "You said it was an old man." And I go, "Well, Sunset Boulevard, you know."
我说：“嗯，香烟在这儿。”我爸爸拿起它，说道：“上面有口红。”我说：“哦！”我妈妈说：“你说那是一个老人。”我说：“好吧，日落大道，你知道。”
That was Un-Cabaret in October of 1994.
那是 1994 年 10 月的 Un-Cabaret。
Julia Sweeney's next turn at the microphone-- this next one that we're going to hear-- was three months later, in January of 1995.
朱莉娅·斯威尼 (Julia Sweeney) 的下一次麦克风——我们将要听到的下一次——是三个月后，即 1995 年 1 月。
My parents are staying with me.
我的父母和我住在一起。
I know I say that every week since September because that, in fact, is practically the case.
我知道自 9 月份以来我每周都会这么说，因为事实确实如此。
Anyway, my parents are here because I have a brother who is very ill with cancer.
无论如何，我的父母来这里是因为我有一个患有癌症的兄弟。
And I don't know if he's doing well or not anymore.
而且我不知道他现在过得好不好。
But he is very, very ill.
但他病得很重。
So my parents are down.
所以我的父母很沮丧。
And like any stressful situation, their annoying qualities, their personalities, are heightened because it's a crisis situation.
就像任何有压力的情况一样，他们的烦人品质和个性会因为这是危机情况而加剧。
And it's made even more difficult for me because I can't yell at them about it because we are in a crisis.
这对我来说更加困难，因为我不能对他们大喊大叫，因为我们正处于危机之中。
And it's like, how could I really scream at my mother for talking incessantly when her son is so very ill?
就像，当我母亲的儿子病得很重时，我怎么能因为她不停地说个不停而对她尖叫呢？
So Wednesday night, I go out.
所以周三晚上，我出去了。
And my brother, he weighs 120 pounds and he's 5' 11''.
我的兄弟体重 120 磅，身高 5 英尺 11 英寸。
And he's taking lots of drugs, and we don't know if it's for the cancer.
他服用了很多药物，我们不知道这是否是为了治疗癌症。
And we don't know if we should yell at him about the drugs, but then he has cancer, so you don't really want to get down on someone at that moment for that.
我们不知道是否应该因为毒品问题对他大喊大叫，但他得了癌症，所以你真的不想在那个时候为此而贬低某人。
Anyway, OK, this is just so sad.
无论如何，好吧，这真是太悲伤了。
I am going to try my [BLEEP] hardest to make this funny, all right?
我会尽最大努力让这件事变得有趣，好吗？
So I go see House Guest because I'm going to see Phil Hartman next week, and I want to have seen it.
所以我去看《House Guest》，因为下周我要去见菲尔·哈特曼，我想看看。
Although now, I probably shouldn't have seen it.
虽然现在看来，我或许不该看到。
I kept thinking all the way home, what are the scenes I can say you were funny in?
回家的路上我一直在想，有哪些场景可以说你很搞笑呢？
Which scene?
哪个场景？
And he's a very funny guy, so it's too bad, but I guess it's making money.
他是一个非常有趣的人，所以这太糟糕了，但我想这是赚钱的。
And the whole time I was watching, I was thinking.
在我观看的整个过程中，我都在思考。
"Pat doesn't get a national release and House Guest gets a national release?"
“帕特没有在全国上映，而《豪斯宾客》却在全国上映？”
So this is my Wednesday.
所以这是我的星期三。
So I get home from House Guest, I walk in the house, my brother is laid out on the couch.
所以我从房客那里回到家，走进屋子，我哥哥躺在沙发上。
Literally, he's laid out.
从字面上看，他已经摆好了。
He's laying there with his hands on his chest with blankets over him, like, has Mike died while I was at House Guest ?
他躺在那里，双手放在胸前，身上盖着毯子，就像，迈克在我在 House Guest 的时候死了吗？
Does someone come rushing up to me and saying, "We don't know which coroner to call." I go, "Oh, Mike."
是否有人冲过来对我说：“我们不知道该给哪位验尸官打电话。”我说：“哦，迈克。”
And he's like, "I'm feeling better," And I go, "Oh, and you look great." And I go in and my mom intercepts, and she goes, "Oh, hi.
他说，“我感觉好多了，”我说，“哦，你看起来很棒。”我进去了，我妈妈拦截了，她说：“哦，嗨。
I'm so glad you're here because I was wondering how House Guest was because I like Sinbad.
我很高兴你来到这里，因为我想知道 House Guest 怎么样，因为我喜欢辛巴达。
And I like him because I watched him on TV.
我喜欢他，因为我在电视上看过他。
And the TV in the living room doesn't coordinate with the cable anymore.
而且客厅里的电视与有线电视不再协调。
And I don't know how to change that, because I want to watch a movie later.
我不知道如何改变它，因为我想稍后看电影。
And the movie's on a video.
这部电影有视频。
And I don't even know how to put the video into the machine.
而且我什至不知道如何将视频放入机器中。
And I was going to try, but I was making some soup, and the soup started boiling over, and your father is too drunk to deal with it."
我本来想尝试一下，但我正在煮汤，汤开始沸腾，而你父亲喝得太醉了，无法处理。”
OK.
好的。
I go into the kitchen.
我走进厨房。
My dad's standing in the kitchen with his drink.
我爸爸拿着饮料站在厨房里。
He goes, "Hey, how was House Guest ?
他说道：“嘿，房客怎么样？
Because I like that Phil Hartman." And I go, "Oh, it was OK." And then my mom comes running in.
因为我喜欢菲尔·哈特曼。”我说：“哦，没关系。”然后我妈妈跑了进来。
She goes, "There's no cat food.
她说：“没有猫粮。
there's no cat food." And I notice that all the cats are like, "meow, meow, meow" under my feet.
没有猫粮了。”我注意到所有的猫都在我脚下“喵、喵、喵”地叫。
Oh, also, the other thing is, having your parents in your house-- if they're like my parents-- means having every available audio device going in every room.
哦，还有，另一件事是，让你的父母住在你的房子里——如果他们像我的父母一样——意味着每个房间都有所有可用的音频设备。
The TV is on in every room of the house that there can be TV, and if there isn't a TV, the radio's going on in that room.
房子里每个有电视的房间都开着电视，如果没有电视，那个房间里也会开着收音机。
So there's just this sound everywhere.
所以到处都是这种声音。
And then "meow, meow, meow" of the cats.
然后是猫的“喵、喵、喵”声。
So I go, "There's no cat food?" And she goes, "I was going to go to the store and get some, but then I didn't know what kind because you said the Friskies had too much fat in it, and [MOCKING SOUNDS]" So I go, "OK, I'll go to Pavilions now.
于是我就问：“没有猫粮吗？”她说，“我本来要去商店买一些，但后来我不知道哪种，因为你说 Friskies 里的脂肪太多了，[嘲笑声]”所以我说，“好吧，我现在去 Pavilions。
It's midnight, but I'll go and get some cat food!"
已经半夜了，我去买点猫粮！”
So I leave, and thank God it was three for $0.89.
于是我离开了，谢天谢地，三块钱花了 0.89 美元。
It was a big sale.
这是一笔大买卖。
And there's nothing like being a single woman in her 30s buying $15 of cat food at midnight.
没有什么比一个 30 多岁的单身女性在午夜购买 15 美元的猫粮更好的了。
That's a really good feeling.
这种感觉真的很好。
So I buy my cat food, and then I get home.
所以我买了猫粮，然后就回家了。
And in the meantime, my dad goes, "The cats were so hungry that I gave them the dry food they hate, and they won't eat it." And I go, oh, and I look down, and the bowls are filled with this dry food they hate that I don't know why I have.
与此同时，我爸爸说：“猫们太饿了，我给了它们它们讨厌的干粮，但它们不吃。”我走了，哦，我低头一看，碗里装满了他们讨厌的干粮，我不知道为什么会有。
So I go, "OK, well, I'm just going to throw that out." And then my dad goes, "No, I'll save that dry food for later.
所以我说，“好吧，好吧，我要把它扔掉。”然后我爸爸说：“不，我会把干粮留着以后用。
I have a Tupperware bowl out for it, to put in the dry cat food." And he's got one side of the cat food bowl and I've got the other.
我准备了一个特百惠碗，用来装干猫粮。”他拿着猫粮碗的一侧，我拿着另一侧。
And I'm going, "No, no, no. I'm just going to throw it away." And he's going, "No, no, no. I'm just going to put it in the Tupperware." And I'm going, "No, no, no. I am really willing to just toss caution to the wind and throw this cat food away." And he's going, "No, no, no."
我会说，“不，不，不。我要把它扔掉。”他说：“不，不，不。我只是要把它放进特百惠里。”我会说，“不，不，不。我真的愿意把谨慎抛到九霄云外，把这些猫粮扔掉。”他会说，“不，不，不。”
And then, of course, we pull it apart.
然后，当然，我们把它拆开。
Cat food goes flying all over the kitchen.
猫粮飞得到处都是厨房。
There's little pieces of cat food everywhere, landing in the soup that's boiling over.
到处都是小块的猫粮，落在沸腾的汤里。
And then my dad leans down, and he's picking it up and putting pieces of cat food with the hair and aaaaagh!
然后我爸爸弯下身子，把它捡起来，把猫粮和头发放在一起，啊啊啊！
And then, at that moment-- So I go, OK, I'll just pick up my messages.
然后，在那一刻——所以我走了，好吧，我就去取我的消息。
And then I pick up my messages, and I have a message from my gynecologist at 9:30 PM saying, "Call us immediately.
然后我拿起消息，晚上 9:30 收到了我的妇科医生发来的消息：“立即给我们打电话。
We think you have a tumor."
我们认为你患有肿瘤。”
And while I'm getting that message, my mom's standing there going, "Do you know about a place called House of Blues?" And I'm going, "I'm trying to listen to my messages!" And then the next message is from him going, "Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
当我收到这条消息时，我妈妈站在那里问道：“你知道一个叫蓝调之屋的地方吗？”我会说：“我正在努力聆听我的信息！”然后他发来了下一条消息：“哦，我非常抱歉。
We've mixed up your results with someone else." So then, I hang up the phone, and I'm going, "Yes, I've heard of the House of Blues."
我们把你的结果和其他人的结果搞混了。”然后，我挂断电话，然后说：“是的，我听说过蓝调之屋。”
And she goes, "I love blues and gospel.
她说：“我喜欢布鲁斯和福音音乐。
I just love that.
我就是喜欢这样。
I love that music because I just love Gershwin." I don't even anymore-- like, 10 years ago, I would've said, "Gershwin isn't gospel or blues!" But now, I just go, "Oh, I know.
我喜欢那种音乐，因为我就是喜欢格什温。”我什至不再——就像十年前一样，我会说，“格什温不是福音音乐或布鲁斯音乐！”但现在，我只是说：“哦，我知道。
The blues and gospel with the Gershwin.
格什温的布鲁斯和福音音乐。
Go to the House of Blues.
去蓝调之屋。
They got it."
他们得到了。”
So I get the cat food out, I break it up, I put it down, the cats are happy.
所以我把猫粮拿出来，把它弄碎，然后把它放下，猫们很高兴。
The phone starts ringing, my mom's going, "Do you think House of Blues would be under 'night life' in the Yellow Pages?" "I don't think there's a 'night life' section in the Yellow Pages, but look all you want." And it's my sister calling from Japan.
电话响了，我妈妈问道：“你认为蓝调之屋会出现在黄页的‘夜生活’下吗？” “我认为黄页上没有‘夜生活’部分，但是你想看什么就看什么。”是我姐姐从日本打来的。
And she's like this, [CRYING] "Hi, I'm so glad you answered the phone, because mom and dad want me to pay them that $48 to the National Geographic subscriptions before they get the bill on their credit card, which I don't think is right.
她就像这样，[哭泣]“嗨，我很高兴你接了电话，因为爸爸妈妈希望我在他们用信用卡支付账单之前向他们支付 48 美元的国家地理订阅费，我认为这是不对的。
So I have written out a check for them for $100, and I'm going to send it to them with a the note saying, 'I don't want anymore dealings with you.'"
所以我给他们开了一张 100 美元的支票，我会把它寄给他们，并附上一张纸条，上面写着：‘我不想再和你打交道了。’”
And I just go, "Meg, I cannot talk to you right now." And she goes, "Oh, fine!" And I'm just thinking of her in Japan crying about these [BLEEP] National Geographic subscriptions that no one even wants.
我只是说：“梅格，我现在不能和你说话。”她说：“哦，好吧！”我只是想到她在日本为这些没人想要的[BLEEP]国家地理订阅而哭泣。
I, by the way, am one of the recipients.
顺便说一句，我是收件人之一。
So isn't it great that I have to get the magazine and know all these trauma and subterfuge that goes on getting the subscription to National Geographic?
那么，我必须拿到这本杂志并了解订阅《国家地理》所带来的所有这些创伤和诡计，这不是很好吗？
Then, I realized the most [BLEEP] up thing I was thinking this week is that I've got to get over, somehow-- because apparently, I refuse to go to therapy, but anyway-- is I've always had this thing where, like my mom-- it started with my mom.
然后，我意识到这周我想到的最[哔]的事情是我必须以某种方式克服——因为显然，我拒绝接受治疗，但无论如何——我一直有这件事，就像我妈妈一样——它是从我妈妈开始的。
Obviously, our tastes and everything were different.
显然，我们的品味和一切都不同。
Like, I would never decorate the way they did, and all of you, I'm sure, feel the same way.
就像，我永远不会像他们那样装饰，我相信你们所有人都有同样的感觉。
But we'd look at furniture, and I'd go, well, I like the dark wood one, and she'd like, of course, the modern.
但我们会看家具，我会说，嗯，我喜欢深色木家具，而她当然喜欢现代的。
And she'd always go, "Well, when you get your house, you can have what you want in it."
她总是说，“好吧，当你得到你的房子时，你可以在里面拥有你想要的东西。”
So that was her big thing.
所以这是她的大事。
Or I'd go, "Why are you yelling at Jimmy"-- my youngest brother-- "this way?" And she'd say, "Well, when you have a child, you can treat him the way you want, but I'm going to--"
或者我会说，“你为什么对吉米大喊大叫”——我最小的弟弟——“这边？”她会说，“好吧，当你有了孩子后，你可以按照你想要的方式对待他，但我会——”
So I have this mental thing, like I always am trying to be better than some experience in my past.
所以我有一种心理上的东西，就像我总是努力比过去的一些经历更好。
It's like I'm always trying to have a better house to show-- like, my parents are going to learn how to raise kids better because of the way I treat my cats?
就像我总是试图拥有一个更好的房子来展示——就像，我的父母会因为我对待猫的方式而学习如何更好地抚养孩子？
I don't think so.
我不这么认为。
But I realize the most [BLEEP] up thing is-- oh, just one other thing.
但我意识到最令人[BLEEP]的事情是——哦，只是另一件事。
So my brother, they don't know-- now the cancer, they keep taking tests, and the cancer gets less and less, but he seems to be deteriorating anyway.
所以我的兄弟，他们不知道——现在是癌症，他们继续接受检查，癌症变得越来越少，但他似乎仍在恶化。
And now they think it's the drugs.
现在他们认为是毒品造成的。
So my mom keeps going, "We need to do an intervention with him on the drugs.
所以我妈妈继续说：“我们需要对他进行药物干预。
And he's not going to listen to me, and he's not going to listen to your father.
他不会听我的，也不会听你父亲的。
So we've decided you should do it." I'm like, "Well, can I do an intervention on his answering machine?
所以我们决定你应该这样做。”我想，“好吧，我可以对他的答录机进行干预吗？
Because I don't have time to really run over there and do this intervention right at this moment." But I realized I was walking around this week thinking, "You know, when I have cancer, I am going to act so much better."
因为我现在没有时间真正跑过去进行干预。”但我意识到这周我四处走动时想，“你知道，当我患有癌症时，我会表现得更好。”
Well, long after all this, Julia Sweeney said that after she made that comment at Un-Cabaret, when she herself was diagnosed with cancer, people who had been at the club that night would come up to her and remind her what she said.
好吧，在这一切之后很久，朱莉娅·斯威尼说，当她在 Un-Cabaret 发表那番言论后，当她自己被诊断出患有癌症时，那天晚上在俱乐部的人会走到她身边并提醒她所说的话。
Like, you see?
就像，你明白吗？
You see?
你看？
What do you really say to that?
你对此有何看法？
Well, coming up, how to make jokes about your own cancer and actually get laughs, an onstage demonstration.
好吧，接下来是如何用自己的癌症开玩笑并真正获得笑声，这是一个舞台演示。
That's in a minute, from Chicago Public Radio and Public Radio International, when our program continues.
稍后，芝加哥公共广播电台和国际公共广播电台将继续我们的节目。
It's This American Life.
这就是美国生活。
I'm Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯。
And most weeks on our program, we choose some subject and invite a wide variety of writers and performers to take a whack at that subject.
在我们节目的大多数星期里，我们都会选择一些主题，并邀请各种各样的作家和表演者来研究这个主题。
And if you're just tuning in, what we're doing is that we are devoting an entire hour to these unusual recordings-- sort of part comedy, part diary-- about cancer.
如果你只是收听，我们正在做的是，我们花了整整一个小时来听这些关于癌症的不寻常的录音——一半是喜剧，一半是日记。
This is Julia Sweeney recorded at Un-Cabaret in Los Angeles.
这是 Julia Sweeney 在洛杉矶 Un-Cabaret 录制的。
We have now arrived at Act Two of our program.
现在我们已经进入了计划的第二幕。
In this act, Julia gets diagnosed with cancer herself.
在这一幕中，朱莉娅自己也被诊断出患有癌症。
And one thing that's interesting about these tapes is that once Julia Sweeney actually gets cancer, the stories get less dark.
这些磁带有趣的一件事是，一旦朱莉娅·斯威尼真的得了癌症，故事就变得不那么黑暗了。
They are less tragic.
他们的悲剧性较小。
There is less trouble in them.
他们的麻烦更少。
This next tape is from May of 1995.
下一个磁带是 1995 年 5 月的。
This is actually the worst sound quality of any of the tapes we're going to play for you today.
这实际上是我们今天要为您播放的所有磁带中音质最差的。
And just one quick word for public radio listeners who perhaps do not watch as much television as many Americans do.
对于那些可能不像许多美国人那样看电视那么多的公共广播听众来说，我只想说一句话。
SNL -- she refers to SNL.
SNL——她指的是《周六夜现场》。
SNL, in this context, is Saturday Night Live.
在这种情况下，SNL 就是《周六夜现场》。
So about a month ago, I was diagnosed with cancer.
大约一个月前，我被诊断出患有癌症。
Hold for laugh.
坚持笑。
All right.
好的。
I wake up debating how and if I should bring that up.
我醒来后就在思考如何以及是否应该提出这个问题。
But the thing is, it's not life-threatening and I'm totally fine.
但问题是，这并没有危及生命，而且我完全没事。
And you know, in a way, I'm kind of happy for the experience.
你知道，在某种程度上，我对这次经历感到很高兴。
But my parents, who are staying with me way too long, and at the tail end of when they were going to be with me, then I got cervical cancer.
但是我的父母和我在一起的时间太长了，在他们和我在一起的最后阶段，我得了宫颈癌。
And so, of course, they wanted to stay longer, which is the last thing I wanted was my parents to stay [BLEEP] longer with me.
所以，当然，他们想呆得更久，这是我最不希望的就是我的父母和我呆[哔]更久。
And then I kept thinking, "How can I lie about my cervical cancer to my parents?" And I'm, like, 35.
然后我一直在想，“我怎么能向父母撒谎说我患有宫颈癌呢？”我大概35岁了。
Can't I just have cancer on my own?"
我自己就不能得癌症吗？”
So I had to get this radical hysterectomy, which now that I'm in this whole cancer thing, radical doesn't mean far out in the medical world.
所以我必须接受根治性子宫切除术，现在我正处于整个癌症的过程中，根治性在医学界并不意味着遥远。
I just want to let you know.
我只是想让你知道。
Anyway, so then my mom, they just make me more nervous than calm.
无论如何，那么我的妈妈，他们只是让我更加紧张而不是平静。
I really have friends that would be there and make it a more calm experience.
我真的有朋友会在那里，让我的经历变得更加平静。
But my mom goes, "I am going to be with you for every doctor appointment and every surgery you're going to have." And then I found myself saying, like, "My friends who've had hysterectomies didn't have to have their moms with them.
但我妈妈说：“每次看医生和做每一次手术时，我都会陪在你身边。”然后我发现自己说，“我的那些做过子宫切除术的朋友不必让妈妈陪着他们。
They had their hysterectomies on their own." And I just realized how [BLEEP] weird that is, but anyway.
他们自己进行了子宫切除术。”我刚刚意识到这有多么奇怪，但无论如何。
And I feel I wouldn't have chosen to have a hysterectomy, I guess.
我想我不会选择进行子宫切除术。
But I kind of feel about my reproductive organs like a bicycle that I've had in the garage, this really great bike that I've just never used.
但我对我的生殖器官的感觉就像是我在车库里的一辆自行车，这辆非常棒的自行车，但我从未使用过。
But I want to, you know?
但我想，你知道吗？
But I just never had time.
但我只是没有时间。
And it's a really good bike.
这是一辆非常好的自行车。
And it's in the garage, and I haven't really been maintaining it.
它在车库里，我并没有真正维护过它。
It's all rusty now and everything.
现在一切都生锈了。
But it's there, and I bought it.
但它就在那里，而且我买了它。
And it's there.
它就在那里。
I have a garage for it.
我有一个车库。
And now, I feel like fate is saying to me, "OK, we're taking away your bicycle.
现在，我感觉命运在对我说：“好吧，我们要拿走你的自行车。
You can never ride a bike again." And so then you think, "god, I was really going to ride that bike."
你再也不能骑自行车了。”然后你会想，“天哪，我真的想骑那辆自行车。”
But it's not like the end of the world.
但这并不像世界末日。
It's like, well, there's a lot of other things.
就像，嗯，还有很多其他的事情。
You can skate.
你可以滑冰。
Well, I can take the metaphor forever, but anyway.
好吧，我可以永远使用这个比喻，但无论如何。
But young men-- especially at SNL , these young, 22-year-old writers they hire at SNL , they would call and go, [SOUNDING DEVASTATED] "I heard that you were having a hysterectomy." I'd go, "Yeah, well, you know, I don't feel that sad about it." And they'd go, "That is the most tragic thing." These [BLEEP] guys.
但年轻人——尤其是在《周六夜现场》，他们在《周六夜现场》雇用的这些年轻的 22 岁作家，他们会打电话然后走，[听起来很沮丧]“我听说你要做子宫切除术。”我会说，“是的，好吧，你知道，我对此并不感到那么悲伤。”他们会说，“这是最悲惨的事情。”这些[哔]家伙。
I'd go, "That's right, because now my worth as a woman has been taken away from me." And they'd go, "Mm-hmm." They don't even realize I'm being sarcastic!
我会说：“没错，因为现在我作为一个女人的价值被剥夺了。”他们会说：“嗯嗯。”他们甚至没有意识到我在讽刺！
And then, I would meet women-- women aren't that much better-- who would have these big new-age solutions.
然后，我会遇到女性——女性并没有那么好——她们会拥有这些新时代的重大解决方案。
They'd go, "You know, my friend had cervical cancer, and they told her that she had to have a hysterectomy.
他们会说，“你知道，我的朋友患有宫颈癌，他们告诉她必须接受子宫切除术。
And she drank carrot juice every day and did yoga.
她每天喝胡萝卜汁并做瑜伽。
And now she's had seven children." And I'm like, "Get me to the hospital!" Really?
现在她已经有了七个孩子了。”我说，“送我去医院！”真的吗？
Aaagh!
啊啊！
I'll just do two more little cancer bits before I'm done.
在完成之前我会再做两个关于癌症的小事。
So I'm in the hospital.
所以我在医院。
And they save my ovaries, which I guess is a good thing-- I'm learning all about these biological things-- because the ovaries are the things that make you lubricate when you're aroused, which, by the way, is a very important thing.
它们拯救了我的卵巢，我想这是一件好事——我正在学习所有这些生物学知识——因为卵巢是让你在性唤起时润滑的东西，顺便说一句，这是一件非常重要的事情。
And if I wanted to have a child surrogately, I could have it.
如果我想代孕生一个孩子，我也可以生。
So that was fine.
所以那很好。
They saved those.
他们保存了那些。
But then they didn't know, because I had to have radiation, if it was going to get hit.
但后来他们不知道，因为我必须受到辐射，如果它会被击中。
So they moved my ovaries nine inches up from their normal spot.
所以他们把我的卵巢从正常位置移高了九英寸。
And then, they said, "Well, if you're really concerned about having a kid with a surrogate, we can harvest 12 eggs now, and we can freeze them for you." And I said, "Oh, OK." And they go, "But the problem is, you have to have the sperm with them in order to freeze them.
然后，他们说，“好吧，如果你真的担心通过代孕生一个孩子，我们现在可以收获 12 个卵子，我们可以为你冷冻它们。”我说：“哦，好吧。”他们说，“但问题是，你必须把精子放在一起才能冷冻它们。
They can't just be frozen eggs.
它们不仅仅是冷冻卵子。
They have to be fertilized eggs." So I go, "Oh, OK."
它们必须是受精卵。”所以我说，“哦，好吧。”
And then they go, "OK, so are you married?" "No." "Are you going out with somebody?" "Well, kind of." But you know, "Hey, on Friday, before we see French Kiss, could you just fertilize 12 eggs?
然后他们就问：“好吧，那你结婚了吗？” “不。” “你要跟人出去吗？” “嗯，有点像。”但你知道，“嘿，周五，在我们观看《法式热吻》之前，你能让 12 个卵子受精吗？
You know, I know it might not work out.
你知道，我知道这可能不会成功。
We're just kind of dating, but--"
我们只是在约会，但是——”
So I go, "How many different sperm people can I have?" And they go, "Well, the start-up costs are kind of high, but you could have five or six." So I could have two eggs per guy.
所以我问，“我可以拥有多少个不同的精子？”他们说：“嗯，启动成本有点高，但你可以有五六个。”这样我每个人就可以吃两个鸡蛋。
So I thought, OK, so now I feel like I have this dance card with 12 eggs on it.
所以我想，好吧，现在我感觉我有了这张带有 12 个鸡蛋的舞蹈卡。
It's like, "If you're nice enough to me, you can have one of my eggs."
就像是，“如果你对我足够好，你就可以拥有我的一颗鸡蛋。”
Anyway, then I just decided that it's just too weird.
无论如何，后来我觉得这太奇怪了。
So I didn't do that.
所以我没有那么做。
So then the next thing-- this happened only two days ago-- I went into my radiation doctor.
接下来的事情——这件事发生在两天前——我去看了放射医生。
And they had to do all these x-rays and MRIs to make sure that my ovaries were out of the way of the radiation.
他们必须进行所有这些 X 光检查和核磁共振检查，以确保我的卵巢不受辐射影响。
And they cut my fallopian tubes and my uterus is out and all that stuff.
他们切断了我的输卵管，我的子宫也被取出了等等。
So they come in and they go, "We have some bad news.
所以他们进来后就说：“我们有一些坏消息。
We've lost one of your ovaries." And I go, "Oh, it died?" And they go, "No, we've lost it." And I go, "You what?" And they go, "We can't find it." I go, "You moved them up 10 inches.
我们失去了你的一个卵巢。”我说，“哦，它死了？”他们说，“不，我们失去了它。”我说，“你什么？”他们说，“我们找不到它。”我说，“你把它们移了10英寸。
Aren't they like here or something?" And they go, "Well, one is there." He goes, "Sometimes, ovaries, when they're cut off from their responsibilities, go traveling." And I go, "That ovary!
他们不喜欢这里或其他什么吗？”他们说，“嗯，那里有一个。”他说，“有时，卵巢，当它们脱离了自己的责任时，就会去旅行。”我说，“那个卵巢！
So caught up with that fallopian his whole life, responsible to that damn uterus." He goes, "Oh, it might show up.
他一生都被那个输卵管缠住了，对那个该死的子宫负责。”他说，“哦，它可能会出现。
And it could just go floating through someday, somewhere." I go, "Am I going to cough, and is the ovary-- should I--"
有一天，它可能会漂浮在某个地方。”我说，“我会咳嗽吗？卵巢是不是——我应该——”
That was May of 1995.
那是1995年5月。
This next moment is a little further into her treatment-- a month later.
下一刻是她治疗的进一步阶段——一个月后。
And just a quick warning, some of the language here may not be suitable for younger listeners.
快速警告一下，这里的某些语言可能不适合年轻的听众。
All right.
好吧。
Oh, I had my vagina tattooed.
哦，我的阴道纹身了。
It's true.
这是真的。
Some people say, you know, "I love Tom." Mine says "aim the beams here." I have a little cancer.
有些人说，你知道，“我爱汤姆。”我的说“将光束瞄准这里”。我有一点癌症。
So I had to have a hysterectomy, and now I'm having radiation.
所以我必须进行子宫切除术，现在我正在接受放射治疗。
Everything seems to be fine, and I'm on the gazillionth percentile of making it.
一切似乎都很好，而且我已经成功了。
But it doesn't mean that I don't have to have eight weeks of radiation.
但这并不意味着我不需要接受八周的辐射。
So right now, I'm in the fourth week.
现在，我已经进入第四周了。
So when you get radiation, you have to get a tattoo on the area that you're getting radiated.
因此，当您接受辐射时，您必须在接受辐射的区域纹身。
So mine's kind of a really sensitive spot.
所以我的地方是一个非常敏感的地方。
So I was a little scared.
所以我有点害怕。
But they're saying, "Oh, no. It'll hurt, but who cares" or something like that.
但他们说：“哦，不。会很痛，但谁在乎”或者类似的话。
"Don't worry.
“别担心。
It'll hurt a lot."
会很痛的。”
So I had to lay there with my pants off.
所以我不得不脱掉裤子躺在那里。
And then they brought in a tattoo artist.
然后他们请了一位纹身师。
There's a person who tattoos you.
有人给你纹身。
So this guy, at first, he was kind of smiling at me a little too much, like maybe he recognized me from SNL, but I wasn't sure.
所以这个家伙，一开始，他对我笑得有点太多了，好像他在《周六夜现场》中认出了我，但我不确定。
And I'm not going to really bring it up.
我不会真正提起它。
And he's not saying anything.
他什么也没说。
But he gave me that kind of look like, "Hi!" And I was like, "Does everyone who gets radiation get that look?" But anyway.
但他给了我一种类似“嗨！”的表情。我当时想，“每个接受辐射的人都会有这样的表情吗？”但无论如何。
So then, he's tattooing my vagina.
那么，他就在我的阴道上纹身。
So we're spending some time together.
所以我们要花一些时间在一起。
And he's down there, doing it.
他就在那里做这件事。
And I just find it so funny that it was hard not to laugh, but you can't laugh because it has to be a really specific spot.
我觉得它太有趣了，很难不笑，但你不能笑，因为它必须是一个非常特定的地方。
But then I keep thinking, "My vagina is getting a tattoo."
但后来我一直在想，“我的阴道正在纹身。”
And then, all of a sudden, he's going like this, and then he goes, "I think the best one is when Pat went to the barber." [BLEEP], you know?
然后，突然之间，他就这样了，然后他说，“我认为最好的一次是帕特去理发店的时候。” [哔]，你知道吗？
I'm like, "Yeah, that was a good one too.
我想，“是的，那也是一件好事。
I think the kicker is now that Pat has cervical cancer, we know what--" This is so personal.
我认为现在最重要的是帕特患有宫颈癌，我们知道什么——”这太个人化了。
I can't even believe I'm telling you guys this, but I guess that's the whole point of Un-Cabaret, even though it'll make you uncomfortable.
我什至不敢相信我会告诉你们这些，但我想这就是 Un-Cabaret 的全部意义，尽管它会让你们感到不舒服。
So the first half is external radiation, where they beam you from the outside.
所以前半部分是外部辐射，它们从外部向你发射光。
And then the second half that I start next week is internal radiation.
然后我下周开始的后半部分是内部辐射。
Think about it.
想一想。
OK, so I call it the "dildo of radiation." And in fact, I insist on referring to it as the "dildo of radiation," and the doctors get really upset.
好吧，所以我称之为“辐射假阳具”。事实上，我坚持将其称为“辐射假阳具”，医生们感到非常沮丧。
Because I go, "When do we start the dildo of radiation?" So I had to go in and get measured, and they had to make this cylinder that fit exactly me and everything.
因为我问，“我们什么时候开始使用辐射假阳具？”所以我必须进去进行测量，他们必须制造出这个完全适合我和所有东西的圆柱体。
So then I go, "So this dildo of radiation, will it be vibrating?" And then the doctor goes, "Actually, it will be vibrating." And I said, "It will?" It's sick, because the light in this doctor's eyes when he talks about how this is the cutting edge of technology, it scares me because I really feel like that's the point of it is that they get to do this to me.
然后我说：“那么这个辐射假阳具会振动吗？”然后医生说：“实际上，它会振动。”我说：“会吗？”这太恶心了，因为当这位医生谈论这是多么前沿的技术时，他眼中的光芒让我感到害怕，因为我真的觉得这就是重点，他们要对我这样做。
When they go like, "Yes, you really need that, because this is the cutting edge of technology and hardly anyone's gotten this and we're really working on it!" Do I really need it?
当他们说：“是的，你真的需要这个，因为这是最前沿的技术，几乎没有人能做到这一点，而我们正在真正努力！”我真的需要它吗？
Anyway, so I have to go.
无论如何，所以我必须走了。
So then last week, they're trying to prepare me for it and everything.
所以上周，他们试图让我为此做好准备。
And they go, "Well, you know, it lasts three hours." Oh my god, yes!
他们说：“嗯，你知道，它持续了三个小时。”天哪，是的！
So I go, "Three hours?" And they said yes.
于是我问道：“三个小时？”他们说是的。
And I said, oh.
我说，哦。
And also, I won't get into details, but the other orifices in that area will also be filled with other instruments for three hours.
还有，我就不详细说了，但是那个区域的其他孔穴也会被其他仪器充满三个小时。
And when they said, "You have an option.
当他们说：“你有一个选择。
We can send you to the cancer therapist at Cedars-Sinai to learn visualization techniques, or we can give you an IV of Valium.
我们可以将您送到 Cedars-Sinai 的癌症治疗师那里学习可视化技术，或者我们可以给您静脉注射安定。
Actually, I kind of feel bad because they really were trying to push the visualization.
事实上，我有点感觉不好，因为他们确实在努力推动可视化。
So I just went, "I am very good at visualizing.
所以我就说：“我非常擅长想象。
I'm an actress and visualization is my hobby and my expertise." I think when it comes to medical procedures, an IV of Valium is going to work a lot better than thinking about an ocean.
我是一名演员，视觉化是我的爱好和专长。”我认为，在医疗程序方面，静脉注射安定比考虑海洋要有效得多。
Oh yeah, this is another sick thing that I do.
哦，是的，这是我做的另一件恶心的事。
It's not funny, only sick.
这并不好笑，只是生病了。
I have this thing where the clothes in my closet don't know that I have cancer.
我有这样的情况，我衣柜里的衣服不知道我患有癌症。
And if I haven't worn them since before when I found out I had cancer, I have to tell them when I put my clothes on.
如果我自从发现自己患有癌症以来就没有穿过它们，那么当我穿上衣服时我必须告诉他们。
So I'll put on a dress, and I'll think, "Oh, this dress doesn't even know." And so then I'll put on the dress and I'll think, "Oh, dress.
所以我会穿上一件衣服，然后我会想，“哦，这件衣服根本不知道。”然后我会穿上裙子，然后我会想，“哦，裙子。
Don't you realize what's happened to me?" And the dress goes, "That's terrible, but you'll be OK."
你难道不知道我发生了什么事吗？”裙子上写着：“那太糟糕了，但你会没事的。”
OK, well, that was June 4, 1995.
好吧，那是 1995 年 6 月 4 日。
Not long after that, Julia Sweeney returned to Un-Cabaret.
不久之后，朱莉娅·斯威尼回到了Un-Cabaret。
She was getting her treatment, still.
她仍在接受治疗。
And she was getting her treatment at one hospital, and her brother was getting treated at another hospital.
她在一家医院接受治疗，她的兄弟在另一家医院接受治疗。
And her case, apparently, was this very rare type of cervical cancer.
显然，她的病例就是这种非常罕见的宫颈癌。
And it turned out that the one doctor in this world who was studying this particular type of cancer happened to be located at his hospital, not at hers.
事实证明，这个世界上唯一一位研究这种特殊癌症的医生恰好在他的医院，而不是在她的医院。
And so at some point, slides of her cells were shipped over to his hospital.
因此，在某个时候，她的细胞切片被运送到他的医院。
And then they were going to do some procedure on her, so she had to get the slides back so they could do this procedure.
然后他们要对她做一些手术，所以她必须拿回幻灯片，以便他们可以做这个手术。
And she offered to go and fetch the slides herself.
她主动提出自己去取幻灯片。
I didn't know where I was going.
我不知道我要去哪里。
All I knew is his name was Dr. Fu.
我只知道他的名字叫付博士。
So I go over, and it's not really part of the hospital where the research is done.
所以我走过去，发现它实际上并不是进行研究的医院的一部分。
It's in this other building, and it's all restricted areas.
它在另一栋大楼里，而且都是禁区。
And I just kept going through doors and doors where people were wearing more and more green things.
我不断地穿过一扇又一扇的门，那里的人们穿着越来越多的绿色衣服。
And more people had masks and stuff.
更多的人有口罩之类的东西。
And I was knocking on doors.
我正在敲门。
And everyone was so confused about what I wanted.
每个人都对我想要的东西感到困惑。
And I'd have to say, "Hi, I'm looking for the Julia Sweeney cancer slides." And they'd all go, "Oh, for who?" And I'd say, "For Julia Sweeney-- me." And they'd go, oh.
我不得不说，“嗨，我正在寻找朱莉娅·斯威尼癌症幻灯片。”他们都会说，“哦，为了谁？”我会说，“为了朱莉娅·斯威尼——我。”他们会走，哦。
And then finally, I found this Dr. Fu's door, and I knocked on it.
最后，我找到了这位付医生的门，我敲了门。
And this little Asian man opens the door, and it's literally out of a movie.
这个亚洲小男人打开了门，这简直就是电影里的场景。
There's books to the ceiling and cobwebs and a little microscope.
天花板上堆满了书，还有蜘蛛网和一台小显微镜。
And he goes, "Yes?" And I said, "Yes, I hear that you have the Julia Sweeney cancer slides." And he says, "Yes." And I go, "Yes, I've come here to pick them up."
他说：“是吗？”我说：“是的，我听说你有朱莉娅·斯威尼癌症幻灯片。”他说：“是的。”我说：“是的，我是来接他们的。”
And he said, "Oh, what project are you working on?" And I said, "Oh, the Julia Sweeney project." And he said, "No, no, no. I mean what research area are you in?
他说：“哦，你在做什么项目？”我说，“哦，朱莉娅·斯威尼项目。”他说：“不，不，不。我的意思是你在哪个研究领域？
And I said, "No, I mean I'm Julia Sweeney." And he said, "What?" And I said, "Yeah, those slides, that's me.
我说：“不，我是说我是朱莉娅·斯威尼。”他说：“什么？”我说：“是的，那些幻灯片就是我。
Those slides are me.
那些幻灯片就是我。
And I want them.
我想要它们。
Give them back!"
把他们还给我！”
And he goes, "You're the person in these slides?" He goes, "Yeah, they're right here." He picks up the slides.
他问道：“你就是这些幻灯片中的人吗？”他说：“是的，他们就在这里。”他拿起幻灯片。
And I go, "Yeah." And he goes, "You're this person?" And I go, "Yeah." And he goes, "Oh my god." He goes, "I have been getting grants to study this special kind of cancer for 20 years.
我说：“是的。”他问道：“你就是这个人吗？”我说：“是的。”他说：“天哪。”他说道：“20 年来我一直在获得资助来研究这种特殊的癌症。
And only 50 women in the world have been diagnosed with this special kind of cancer.
全世界只有 50 名女性被诊断出患有这种特殊的癌症。
And you're one of the ones I'm studying, and I've never met in the flesh any of the women that have ever had this cancer except for you."
你是我正在研究的对象之一，除了你之外，我从未见过任何患有这种癌症的女性。”
And I said, "Oh." And he's like, "Oh, please come in and sit down." And he said, "Well, how does it feel to have this cancer?" And I said, "Well, you know, I actually have no symptoms.
我说：“哦。”他说：“哦，请进来坐下。”他说：“那么，患上这种癌症感觉如何？”我说：“嗯，你知道，我实际上没有任何症状。
It's kind of hilarious that I just have no symptoms.
有点搞笑的是我没有任何症状。
It seems like all of the problems have been coming from the cure of this, but not from the actual cancer."
似乎所有的问题都来自于治愈这一疾病，而不是真正的癌症。”
And he goes, "Oh, there's only 50 women in the world, and none of them have died from it." And I go, "Oh, you can always hope." And I go, "Oh, great." And he wanted to know if I'd been on birth control pills, because that's what he thinks it was related to, which I had.
他说：“哦，世界上只有 50 名女性，但没有一个人因此而死亡。”我说：“哦，你永远可以希望。”我说：“哦，太棒了。”他想知道我是否服用了避孕药，因为他认为这与我服用的避孕药有关。
And he's asking me, "What are your habits?" And I go, "Well, I like to run and ski.
他问我：“你的习惯是什么？”我说：“嗯，我喜欢跑步和滑雪。
Maybe people who run and ski and take birth control pills get this cancer."
也许那些跑步、滑雪和服用避孕药的人会患上这种癌症。”
And then he goes, "Well, can I take you out for some coffee or something?" And I said yeah.
然后他说：“好吧，我可以带你出去喝杯咖啡什么的吗？”我说是的。
And then we went and had this coffee, and he was just so happy to be with me, like, meeting this woman who had the cancer.
然后我们去喝了咖啡，他很高兴和我在一起，就像见到这个患有癌症的女人一样。
OK, well, then I found out a few weeks later, after the slides went back, that I didn't have that cancer.
好吧，几周后，在幻灯片返回后，我发现我没有患上那种癌症。
I had a different kind of really rare cervical cancer, but not that specific kind.
我患有另一种非常罕见的宫颈癌，但不是那种特定的癌症。
And I don't think they ever really told that guy, because this week, he called me up.
我认为他们并没有真正告诉过那个人，因为这周他给我打电话了。
And he said, "Hey, how are you doing?" and everything.
他说：“嘿，你好吗？”和一切。
And I said, "Oh, I'm fine.
我说：“哦，我很好。
I did all of the surgeries and the radiation.
我做了所有的手术和放射治疗。
I'm feeling great." And he said, "That's so great."
我感觉很好。”他说，“那太好了。”
And then I realized that I was too embarrassed to tell him I didn't have his cancer.
然后我意识到我太尴尬了，无法告诉他我没有患他的癌症。
I go, "Yeah." And he goes, "Well, I'm really glad.
我说：“是的。”他说：“嗯，我真的很高兴。
No one who's had that cancer has died.
患有这种癌症的人还没有死亡。
They've had to go through hell, but they haven't died." And then I just had to play into it.
他们不得不经历地狱，但他们并没有死。”然后我就不得不参与其中。
And then I realized that I'm so co-dependent that I didn't want him to think that I didn't have the cancer he was studying.
然后我意识到我是如此的相互依赖，以至于我不想让他认为我没有患有他正在研究的癌症。
I had to pretend.
我不得不假装。
So sick.
病得很厉害。
All these stories that we've been hearing began in 1994.
我们听到的所有这些故事都始于 1994 年。
And finally, in July of 1995, Julia Sweeney took the stage at Un-Cabaret to announce--
最后，1995 年 7 月，朱莉娅·斯威尼 (Julia Sweeney) 登上 Un-Cabaret 的舞台宣布——
I don't have cancer anymore.
我不再得癌症了。
I only say this because-- I don't know if anyone was here for other sets where I talked about it-- but I got a little cancer.
我这么说只是因为——我不知道是否有人在我谈论它的其他场景中——但我得了一点癌症。
And I did surgery, and I did radiation.
我做了手术，也做了放射治疗。
And my last radiation was on Wednesday.
我最后一次接受放射治疗是在星期三。
And so now I can't say I have cancer anymore, which I have to say, I will totally cop to the fact that I'm kind of missing that, because I just loved not necessarily doing, but having that moment where I could say, "I don't know if you've heard, but I have cancer."
所以现在我不能再说我得了癌症，我不得不说，我会完全承认我有点想念这一事实，因为我只是喜欢不一定做，但有那一刻我可以说，“我不知道你是否听说过，但我患有癌症。”
But now I can say, "I am in remission." I guess that's the term, although no doctor has even said that to me.
但现在我可以说：“我已经康复了。”我想这就是这个词，尽管没有医生对我说过这个词。
They just said, "All right, you did enough.
他们只是说：“好吧，你已经做得足够了。
See you later." I said, "Don't you mean to tell me I'm in remission?"
待会见。”我说：“你不是想告诉我我已经康复了吗？”
So on Wednesday, I had to have my last radiation.
所以周三，我必须接受最后一次放射治疗。
And it's this kind of horrible ordeal that lasts three hours and is very personally invasive into certain orifices of your body.
这种可怕的折磨会持续三个小时，并且会侵入你身体的某些孔道。
Imagine.
想象一下。
See, for my surgery-- this is how sick I am-- I had horrible abdominal surgery, and it was incredibly painful, tubes coming out of me.
看，对于我的手术——我病得有多么严重——我做了可怕的腹部手术，非常痛苦，管子从我身上拔出来。
And they gave me Percocet and codeine and everything.
他们给了我Percocet和可待因以及一切。
And I would be in excruciating pain and not take my pain pills to save them for a day when I'd enjoy them more.
我会感到极度痛苦，却不会服用止痛药来挽救它们，直到有一天我会更享受它们。
That's when my parents were staying with me, and I'd be going, "Aaaaaaa!" And my mother would go, "Take the codeine." And I'd go, "There will be a day when, mixed with a margarita, I will be so much happier."
那时我的父母和我住在一起，我会说：“啊啊啊啊！”我妈妈会说：“服用可待因。”我会说，“总有一天，与玛格丽塔混合，我会更加快乐。”
Julia Sweeney survived her cancer and turned these monologues from Un-Cabaret into a one-woman show called God Said, "Ha!" Back in the 1990s, it played in Los Angeles, it played on Broadway at the Lyceum Theater.
朱莉娅·斯威尼 (Julia Sweeney) 从癌症中幸存下来，并将《Un-Cabaret》中的这些独白变成了一部名为《上帝说，“哈！》的独角戏。早在 20 世纪 90 年代，它就在洛杉矶演出，并在百老汇的 Lyceum 剧院演出。
Julia put it out as a book.
朱莉娅将其出版成书。
Quentin Tarantino turned it into a movie that you can still get on DVD.
昆汀·塔伦蒂诺 (Quentin Tarantino) 将其改编成电影，您仍然可以在 DVD 上观看。
Anyway, Julia's brother did not survive his cancer.
不管怎样，朱莉娅的弟弟没能从癌症中幸存下来。
He died two weeks after she was diagnosed.
她被确诊两周后，他去世了。
But we thought we'd end our program today with a story from January of 1995.
但我们想以 1995 年 1 月的故事来结束今天的节目。
This is taped before Julia knew that she had cancer.
这是在朱莉娅知道自己患有癌症之前录制的。
And when this was recorded, her brother was still alive, and family was really struggling.
当这一切被录制时，她的哥哥还活着，一家人真的很挣扎。
So anyway, this is not even funny.
所以无论如何，这一点都不好笑。
OK, I'll just tell it really quick.
好的，我会很快告诉它。
I went to another audition.
我去参加了另一次试镜。
It was actually a meeting.
这实际上是一次会议。
I felt like it went really well, and it was like, wow, this is a possibility, and this is great.
我觉得一切进展得非常顺利，就好像，哇，这是一种可能性，这太棒了。
And I'm driving back from Santa Monica, feeling so happy for the first time in a really long time because my parents are living with me.
我正从圣莫尼卡开车回来，很长一段时间以来第一次感到如此高兴，因为我的父母和我住在一起。
And I'm so happy.
我很高兴。
And so I walk in the door, and as I walk in the door, I hear my mother yelling at my brother.
于是我走进门，当我走进门时，我听到我妈妈对我弟弟大喊大叫。
"You're drunk.
“你喝醉了。
That's what it is." Like some sort of awful Arthur Miller play or something.
就是这样。”就像某种糟糕的阿瑟·米勒戏剧之类的。
So then I come in, and I go, "Hi." And she goes, "How was your meeting?" And I go, "It was good." And she goes, "Well, your brother's been drinking.
然后我进来了，然后说：“嗨。”她问道：“你们的会议怎么样？”我说：“这很好。”她说：“嗯，你哥哥喝酒了。
And he is D-R-U-N-K.
他是 D-R-U-N-K。
Then my brother-- oh, this story is too sad.
那么我的兄弟——噢，这个故事太悲伤了。
I have to stop it.
我必须阻止它。
OK, well, let's just say this.
好吧，就这样吧。
My brother leaves the room and starts smoking pot in the other room.
我哥哥离开房间，开始在另一个房间抽大麻。
And then my mom's going on and on, and she doesn't know how to tell stories correctly.
然后我妈妈就一直讲个不停，她不知道如何正确讲故事。
And I know you're thinking it's a familial trait.
我知道你认为这是一种家族特征。
But she'll say, "Oh, I have to tell you the most important thing.
但她会说：“哦，我必须告诉你最重要的事情。
I went to Pavilions, and I ran into this couple from the Balkans.
我去了展馆，遇到了这对来自巴尔干半岛的夫妇。
And your father was reading that book.
你父亲正在读那本书。
And then I couldn't find the change for the ten, and then the car, and so--" And I just go, "Oh, huh.
然后我找不到十块钱的零钱，然后是汽车，所以——”我就说，“哦，呵呵。
When you can't find your change and you meet someone from the Balkans at the store, and why are you talking to people at Pavilions?"
当你找不到零钱并且在商店里遇到来自巴尔干半岛的人时，你为什么还要和Pavilions 的人说话呢？”
So I just walk out of the house and go to the office where my dad is.
所以我就走出家门，去我爸爸所在的办公室。
And my dad goes, "Oh, hi.
我爸爸说：“哦，嗨。
I borrowed this book off your shelf-- The Balkan Ghost, which is all travel essays written by this reporter about his travels in the Balkans.
我借了你们书架上的这本书——《巴尔干幽灵》，全是这位记者写的关于巴尔干旅行的游记。
And those Balkan people, they're crazy.
那些巴尔干人，他们疯了。
Did you know about Adam the Impaler, who impaled people?" And I go, "Oh, no."
你知道穿刺人亚当吗？他会刺穿人？”我说：“哦，不。”
And then he says, "Oh, and it reminded me of this other book Rebecca West wrote, this great travelogue that was written in 1937 about her travels in the Balkans, and it really foretold a lot of stuff.
然后他说，“哦，这让我想起了丽贝卡·韦斯特写的另一本书，这本伟大的游记写于 1937 年，讲述了她在巴尔干地区的旅行，它确实预言了很多事情。
And do you know that every major war is started in the Balkans?" And we had this nice little conversation.
你知道每一次重大战争都是在巴尔干地区爆发的吗？”我们进行了一次愉快的小谈话。
And he's like, "And how was your meeting?" And I go, "Oh, it was really good." And he goes, "Oh, I'm so glad."
他说：“你们的会议怎么样？”我说：“哦，那真是太好了。”他说：“哦，我很高兴。”
Then I come back in the house.
然后我回到屋里。
Mom goes, "I need to talk to you in the bedroom." So I go-- oh, I'd better go quick because this is so sad-- so I go into the bedroom, and she goes, "Your father is driving me crazy, and I'm leaving him.
妈妈说：“我要在卧室里和你谈谈。”所以我走了——哦，我最好快点走，因为这太悲伤了——所以我走进卧室，她说，“你父亲快把我逼疯了，我要离开他了。
But I'm not leaving your house, and neither is he." I go, "So what does that mean?" She goes, "It means I am not sleeping in the guest room with him anymore.
但我不会离开你的房子，他也不会。”我说：“那这是什么意思呢？”她说：“这意味着我不再和他一起睡在客房里了。
I need another place to sleep."
我需要另一个地方睡觉。”
And I'm thinking, "OK, the brother from Washington is sleeping on the sofa in my office.
我在想，“好吧，来自华盛顿的兄弟正在我办公室的沙发上睡觉。
I'm sleeping in the dining room.
我在餐厅睡觉。
My other brother is in my bedroom.
我的另一个兄弟在我的卧室里。
My parents are in the guest room.
我的父母在客房里。
And I just go, "Married people who visit me must sleep together.
我就说：“来看我的已婚人士必须睡在一起。
I do not have enough beds for people to break up while they're visiting me.
我没有足够的床位供人们在探望我时分手。
You must overcome your feelings and just sleep in the same bed.
你们必须克服自己的感情，睡在同一张床上。
Go in after he's fallen asleep, and get up before he wakes up.
等他睡着了再进去，在他醒来之前起床。
And don't touch him in the night, but you've got to stay in the room!"
还有晚上别碰他，但你得待在房间里！”
Anyway, so mom sleeps on the couch in the living room.
不管怎样，妈妈睡在客厅的沙发上。
Dad's in the guest room.
爸爸在客房里。
So we're all in different places.
所以我们都在不同的地方。
So then, at 5:00 in the morning, I notice the TV pops on, and In a Lonely Place is starting at 5:00 in the morning.
然后，早上 5:00，我注意到电视突然打开，《在孤独的地方》将于早上 5:00 开始播放。
Irony.
讽刺。
And my mom sits up, and she's going, "What's this?" And there must've been something where I programmed the TV to tape something.
我妈妈坐了起来，问道：“这是什么？”一定是我对电视进行了编程以录制某些内容。
She yells from the living room, she goes, "Julie, there's a movie on about a lonely people.
她在客厅里大喊，“朱莉，正在上映一部关于孤独的人的电影。
What is it?"
是什么？”
It's like 5:00 in the morning, so I go, "Oh, In a Lonely Place.
大约是早上 5:00，所以我说：“哦，在一个孤独的地方。
Yeah, Nicholas Ray and great film noir, Humphrey Bogart." And she goes, "You know, he was a drunk.
是的，尼古拉斯·雷和伟大的黑色电影汉弗莱·鲍嘉。”她说，“你知道，他是个酒鬼。
In real life, too." And I go, "Oh." "And Gloria Grahame." Anyway, so slowly, the whole family gets up.
现实生活中也是如此。”我说，“哦。”“还有格洛丽亚·格雷厄姆。”无论如何，全家人都慢慢地站了起来。
And then, all of a sudden, it's me, my two brothers, and my mom and dad.
然后，突然之间，就只剩下我、我的两个兄弟、我的妈妈和爸爸了。
And we all watch In a Lonely Place .
我们都看《在孤独的地方》。
This is yesterday morning from 5:00 to 7:00 AM.
这是昨天早上 5:00 到 7:00。
Julia Sweeney at Un-Cabaret in Los Angeles.
朱莉娅·斯威尼 (Julia Sweeney) 在洛杉矶 Un-Cabaret 酒吧。
Lately, Julia has been working on a new one-woman show, that we've actually excerpted on This American Life already, called Letting Go of God .
最近，朱莉娅一直在制作一部新的独角戏，我们已经在《美国生活》中摘录了这部剧，名为《放开上帝》。
Next month, she plans to put out that show on CD.
下个月，她计划将这个节目制作成 CD。
She's got plans to film that show.
她计划拍摄该节目。
There's a book in the works, more live performances, the whole schmear.
有一本书正在创作中，更多的现场表演，整个骗局。
For details, you can go to her website with the incredibly difficult-to-remember name, www.juliasweeney.com.
有关详细信息，您可以访问她的网站，该网站的名字非常难记，www.juliasweeney.com。
Today's program was produced by Nancy Updike and myself with Alix Spiegel, Dolores Wilber, and Peter Clowney.
今天的节目由南希·厄普代克和我与阿利克斯·斯皮格尔、多洛雷斯·威尔伯和彼得·克劳尼共同制作。
Contributing editors for this show, Jack Hitt, Margy Rochlin and Paul Tough.
本节目的特约编辑是 Jack Hitt、Margy Rochlin 和 Paul Tough。
Production help for today's show by [UNINTELLIGIBLE] January and Seth Lind.
[无法辨认]January 和 Seth Lind 为今天的节目提供制作帮助。
[ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS] If today's program has made you curious about Un-Cabaret, they have audio downloads, greatest hits CDs, live shows that they are still doing Los Angeles.
[致谢] 如果今天的节目让您对 Un-Cabaret 感到好奇，他们有音频下载、最热门的 CD、他们仍在洛杉矶进行的现场表演。
Details about all that on the web at www.uncabaret.com.
有关所有内容的详细信息，请访问 www.uncabaret.com。
Music help for today's program by Jessica Hopper and by the mysterious and elusive [?
杰西卡·霍珀和神秘而难以捉摸的[？
Rumpety Rattles.
喧闹的拨浪鼓。
?] Our website, www.thisamericanlife.org, where you can listen to 10 years of our programs for absolutely free or buy CDs of them.
?] 我们的网站 www.thisamericanlife.org，您可以在其中完全免费收听我们 10 年的节目或购买其中的 CD。
Or you can download today's program and our archives at audible.com/thisamericanlife.
或者您可以在 audible.com/thisamericanlife 下载今天的节目和我们的档案。
[FUNDING CREDITS] WBEZ management oversight for our program by Mr. Torey Malatia, who believes that radio is not a vast information expressway bringing you news and stories and music.
[资金来源] Torey Malatia 先生对我们的节目进行 WBEZ 管理监督，他认为广播并不是一条为您带来新闻、故事和音乐的广阔信息高速公路。
"No, I think it's more like a spigot."
“不，我觉得它更像是一个龙头。”
I'm Ira Glass, back next week with more stories of This American Life.
我是艾拉·格拉斯，下周回来，带来更多《美国生活》的故事。
This American Life is produced in collaboration with WBEZ Chicago and delivered to stations by PRX The Public Radio Exchange.
《This American Life》与 WBEZ Chicago 合作制作，并由 PRX 公共广播电台传送到各电台。