826: Unprepared for What Has Already Happened - This American Life
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00:00 00:00 Transcript Share This American Life Life Partners How to Listen Episodes Recommended About Overview Staff Announcements Fellowships Jobs Music Make Radio On The Road FAQ Submissions Merch Contact Us Our Other Shows Merch Follow Us Life Partners Subscribe to our newsletter Full episode Toggle Audio and Transcript Sync Transcript | Episode #826 | March 15, 2024 826: Unprepared for What Has Already Happened Note: This American Life is produced for the ear and designed to be heard.
00:00 00:00 文字记录 分享此 美国生活 生活伙伴 如何收听 剧集 推荐 关于 概述 员工公告 奖学金 工作 音乐 在路上制作电台 常见问题解答 提交 商品 联系我们 我们的其他节目 商品 关注我们 生活伙伴 订阅我们的时事通讯 整集 切换音频和文字记录同步 文字记录 | 内容第 826 集 | 2024 年 3 月 15 日 826：对已经发生的事情毫无准备 注：《美国生活》是为耳朵而制作的，旨在让人们听到。
If you are able, we strongly encourage you to listen to the audio, which includes emotion and emphasis that's not on the page.
如果可以的话，我们强烈建议您收听音频，其中包括页面上没有的情感和重点。
Transcripts are generated using a combination of speech recognition software and human transcribers, and may contain errors.
文字记录是使用语音识别软件和人工转录员结合生成的，可能包含错误。
Please check the corresponding audio before quoting in print.
请在印刷版引用前检查相应的音频。
Prologue: Prologue Ira Glass From WBEZ Chicago, it's This American Life.
序言：序言 来自 WBEZ 芝加哥的 Ira Glass，这就是美国生活。
I'm Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯。
And I am happy to welcome to the studio Lilly Sullivan, one of our producers.
我很高兴地欢迎我们的制作人之一莉莉·沙利文 (Lilly Sullivan) 来到工作室。
Hey, Lilly.
嘿，莉莉。
Hi, Ira.
嗨，艾拉。
Ira Glass And you're here because we wanted to kick off today's show with this interview that you did.
Ira Glass：您来到这里是因为我们想通过您所做的采访来拉开今天的节目的序幕。
And explain who this is with.
并解释一下这是和谁在一起的。
So, this interview is with this guy named Jackson Landers.
所以，这次采访的是一个名叫杰克逊·兰德斯的人。
Jackson, he's an outdoorsy type of person.
杰克逊，他是一个喜欢户外活动的人。
He fishes, he hunts.
他钓鱼，他打猎。
And he writes about that stuff.
他写了这些东西。
He's a journalist who sometimes does this adventure journalism.
他是一名记者，有时会进行冒险新闻报道。
Like, he wrote a whole book where he traveled around North America, hunting and eating invasive species.
比如，他写了一整本书，他在北美各地旅行，狩猎和吃入侵物种。
But the thing that I talked to him about was this one moment that happened near his house in Virginia.
但我和他谈论的事情是发生在他位于弗吉尼亚州的家附近的那一刻。
This day, he went fishing.
这天，他去钓鱼了。
And I got in my car.
我上了车。
I already had the fishing gear in the car.
我已经把渔具放在车里了。
It stays there all summer.
整个夏天它都呆在那里。
And went to the reservoir, and I pick up my water shoes, and I put them on.
然后去了水库，我拿起我的水鞋，穿上了。
And while I'm putting one of them on, I feel like a-- it's like a bee sting.
当我戴上其中一个时，我感觉就像被蜜蜂蜇了一样。
And it didn't last long.
但这种情况并没有持续多久。
It wasn't too painful, but it felt like a bee sting.
虽然不是很痛，但感觉就像被蜜蜂蛰了一样。
I took off the shoe, and I shook it out.
我脱下鞋子，把它抖掉。
And I saw the pieces of the dead spider, and I knew those are the legs and the fragments of a dead black widow.
我看到了死去的蜘蛛的碎片，我知道那是死去的黑寡妇的腿和碎片。
Oh, boy.
哦，男孩。
This isn't good.
这不好。
So Jackson actually knows a lot about black widow spiders and their bites.
所以杰克逊实际上对黑寡妇蜘蛛及其叮咬了解很多。
He lives in a place where there are a lot of them.
他住在一个有很多人的地方。
And sometimes he finds them in the house.
有时他会在房子里找到它们。
Or one time, he found one, and he put it in a Mason jar and kept that jar in his desk for months.
或者有一次，他找到了一个，然后把它放在一个梅森罐子里，并将那个罐子放在办公桌上几个月。
And he would feed it and observe it and watch its behavior.
他会喂它、观察它、观察它的行为。
So he knew a lot about them, and he also knew that the truth is, black widow bites are very rarely fatal.
所以他对它们了解很多，而且他也知道事实是，黑寡妇咬伤很少会致命。
They're just really painful, the kind of pain that would leave someone doubled over, incapacitated.
它们真的很痛苦，那种痛苦会让一个人弯下腰，失去行动能力。
But Jackson, he'd just been bit, and he's not feeling any of that yet.
但是杰克逊，他刚刚被咬了，还没有任何感觉。
It was just, it felt like a bee sting.
只是，感觉就像被蜜蜂蜇了一下。
And I thought, well, OK, is this really what I think it is?
我想，好吧，这真的是我想的那样吗？
Or-- I don't know-- maybe this isn't that bad.
或者——我不知道——也许这并没有那么糟糕。
And while I was thinking about it, I picked up my cast net.
正当我思考的时候，我拿起了我的撒网。
I was fishing with a net.
我正在用网钓鱼。
And I went down to the water's edge, and I started fishing.
我走到水边，开始钓鱼。
[LAUGHING] Jackson Landers So I'm fishing while I'm mulling this over.
[笑] Jackson Landers 所以我一边钓鱼一边思考这个问题。
Yeah, I mean, I'm there.
是的，我是说，我在那里。
There's the water, there's the net.
那里有水，那里有网。
And in retrospect, this was absolutely irrational.
现在回想起来，这绝对是不合理的。
And I knew that, yes, you have to seek medical attention.
我知道，是的，你必须寻求医疗救助。
And by the way, as I recall, I don't think I had health insurance at the time.
顺便说一句，据我记得，我认为我当时没有健康保险。
So part of it is like, I don't want to incur medical bills if I don't have to, if I can just tough this thing out and just be in pain.
所以部分原因是，如果没有必要，我不想承担医疗费用，如果我能忍受这件事并忍受痛苦。
He also knew that when you go to the hospital, they almost never give you the antivenom.
他还知道，当你去医院时，他们几乎不会给你注射抗蛇毒血清。
That's the stuff that can cure a black widow bite.
这就是可以治愈黑寡妇咬伤的东西。
Mm-hm.
嗯嗯。
Because there's a fear that while the black widow bite probably won't kill you, the antivenom actually might.
因为人们担心，虽然黑寡妇咬伤可能不会杀死你，但抗蛇毒血清实际上可能会杀死你。
So when you go to the hospital, they usually just help you manage your symptoms.
因此，当您去医院时，他们通常只是帮助您控制症状。
And so I knew that if I went to the hospital, it would probably just be maybe to give you some pain medication.
所以我知道如果我去医院，可能只是给你一些止痛药。
You're just going to be in a lot of pain for like three days.
你只会经历三天的痛苦。
And they're just providing nursing care.
他们只是提供护理服务。
And part of me was thinking, maybe I'll just do that at home for free.
我的一部分在想，也许我会在家里免费做这件事。
He didn't go home, though.
不过他没有回家。
He just continued doing what he was doing.
他只是继续做他正在做的事情。
Fishing.
钓鱼。
Lilly Sullivan Yeah, and then he started to feel this tightness in his stomach.
莉莉·沙利文 是的，然后他开始感到胃部发紧。
And it didn't hurt at first.
一开始并不痛。
It was just tightness.
这只是紧张。
And then it grew and grew to where it feels like I was being like punched in the stomach, that, OK, this is bad.
然后它越来越大，感觉就像我的肚子被打了一拳，好吧，这很糟糕。
I got to get out of here.
我必须离开这里。
Home is 10 minutes away.
距离家 10 分钟路程。
I drove home, and I laid down on the floor.
我开车回家，躺在地板上。
And I thought, OK, I can do this.
我想，好吧，我能做到。
And I posted on Facebook, just so people would know, if nobody hears from me for a while, this is the situation.
我在 Facebook 上发帖，只是为了让人们知道，如果一段时间内没有人收到我的消息，情况就是这样。
[LAUGHS] I'm at home.
[笑]我在家。
I'm laying on the floor.
我躺在地板上。
And if nobody hears from me, this is what's happening.
如果没有人收到我的消息，这就是正在发生的事情。
I'm laying on the floor.
我躺在地板上。
I got bit by a black widow.
我被黑寡妇咬了
And then it got bad enough, the punch in the stomach got tighter and tighter.
然后事情变得越来越糟，肚子上的拳头越来越紧。
And it got bad enough, I thought, I'm not going to be able to deal with this.
我想，事情已经够糟糕了，我无法处理这个问题。
I need whatever pain medication they're going to give me at the hospital.
我需要医院给我的止痛药。
I can't take this anymore.
我再也受不了了。
It was started to feel like imagine your entire chest is in a vise.
开始感觉就像想象你的整个胸部都在虎钳里。
Like, imagine a medieval torture device that's just going to crush your chest, where it's somebody who's turning a screw, a little bit more and a little bit more.
就像，想象一个中世纪的酷刑装置，它会压碎你的胸部，有人正在转动螺丝，一点一点，一点点。
Jackson's mom drives him to the hospital.
杰克逊的妈妈开车送他去医院。
And when he gets there, it's really lucky for him because they have a new experimental antivenom that they give him.
当他到达那里时，他真的很幸运，因为他们给了他一种新的实验性抗蛇毒血清。
And it was like this wave of wonderfulness I felt pass through my body from the point where the IV went.
从静脉注射的那一刻起，我就感觉一股美妙的浪潮穿过我的身体。
I could feel a wave of pain just being erased--
我能感觉到一阵疼痛被抹去——
Wow.
哇。
Jackson Landers --as it just moved through my arm and then into my chest and throughout my whole torso and then down through my legs into my feet.
杰克逊·兰德斯——它穿过我的手臂，然后进入我的胸部，穿过我的整个躯干，然后向下穿过我的腿到达我的脚。
It was like I could feel the venom being erased somehow.
就好像我能感觉到毒液不知何故被抹去了。
So it worked.
所以它起作用了。
Lilly Sullivan Yeah.
莉莉·沙利文 是的。
But the fact that he waited so long to stop fishing and get to a hospital, he's thought a lot about that decision.
但事实上，他等了很长时间才停止捕鱼并去医院，他对这个决定考虑了很多。
He says it wasn't just about the money.
他说这不仅仅是钱的问题。
It's mostly something else.
这主要是别的东西。
One of the things that prevented me from making a decision more quickly when I was bit was a failure to accept a radically new reality that most of me feels fine right after I was bit.
当我被咬时，阻止我更快做出决定的原因之一是无法接受一个全新的现实，即我大多数人在被咬后感觉很好。
It felt like a bee sting.
感觉就像被蜜蜂蛰了一下。
And the sun was still shining, and everything looks and feels the same.
阳光依然灿烂，一切看起来和感觉都一样。
And when everything looks the same, it's very difficult to accept that reality has just changed, where things are about to be really different.
当一切看起来都一样时，很难接受现实刚刚发生了变化，事情即将变得非常不同。
And I could be in agonizing pain, and I need to go to a hospital.
我可能会感到极度疼痛，我需要去医院。
And things could become very expensive and very chaotic and very stressful.
事情可能会变得非常昂贵、非常混乱、压力很大。
And it's very easy to just be sort of paralyzed by an unwillingness to accept that.
人们很容易因为不愿意接受这一点而陷入瘫痪。
Well, today on our program, people who are in a situation where reality changes and they have not caught up to the new reality they're living in.
好吧，今天在我们的节目中，人们正处于现实发生变化的情况下，他们还没有跟上他们所生活的新现实。
This happens in so many different kinds of situations.
这种情况发生在许多不同的情况下。
We actually got the idea for this episode from something that a climate futurist said in an article about wildfires.
实际上，我们这一集的想法是从一位气候未来学家在一篇有关野火的文章中所说的内容中得到的。
The guy's name is Alex Steffen.
这个人的名字叫亚历克斯·史蒂芬。
And he talked about how so many of us, when it comes to the climate, are experiencing, quote, "the shock that comes with recognizing that you are unprepared for what has already happened."
他谈到，当谈到气候问题时，我们中的许多人正在经历，引用，“当认识到自己对已经发生的事情没有做好准备时所带来的震惊。”
Haven't you felt that with climate?
你对气候没有感觉到吗？
Maybe with where politics has gone in this country the last few years or with personal news, sometimes.
也许与过去几年这个国家的政治走向有关，有时也与个人新闻有关。
The shock of realizing you're unprepared for what has already happened.
意识到自己对已经发生的事情毫无准备，感到震惊。
Today, we hear stories of people struggling with that exact thing, that reality shifting lag time.
今天，我们听到人们在与现实转变的滞后时间这一问题作斗争的故事。
Stay with us.
留在我们身边。
Act One, It's Probably Nothing.
第一幕，可能没什么。
From the very beginning of the war in Ukraine, Elena Kostyuchenko was there, arriving the day after Russia invaded, finding and writing stories that were shocking.
从乌克兰战争一开始，埃琳娜·科斯图琴科就在那里，在俄罗斯入侵后的第二天到达，发现并写下了令人震惊的故事。
In the city of Kherson, she talked to people who told her they'd been tortured by Russian soldiers.
在赫尔松市，她与那些告诉她自己曾遭受俄罗斯士兵酷刑的人交谈。
She found the place where they'd been held captive.
她找到了他们被囚禁的地方。
She got the names of dozens of people who had been kidnapped.
她得到了数十名被绑架者的名字。
She's a longtime Russian journalist, publishing in the country's leading independent newspaper, Novaya Gazeta.
她是一名长期的俄罗斯记者，在该国领先的独立报纸《新报》上发表文章。
And she wrote this essay called "How They Tried to Kill Me" that we thought of for today's show because it shows so clearly how, during a time when everything is changing quickly, like in a war, your perception of what is happening around you can lag way behind the reality, even when other people are telling you straight to your face that things are different now.
她写了一篇名为“他们如何试图杀掉我”的文章，我们为今天的节目考虑了这一点，因为它清楚地表明，在一切都在迅速变化的时代，比如在战争中，你对周围发生的事情的感知可能远远落后于现实，即使其他人直接告诉你现在情况不同了。
It's read for us by Bela Shayevich, and it starts about a month into the war.
贝拉·沙耶维奇（Bela Shayevich）为我们朗读了这本书，故事开始于战争一个月后。
Elena spent that first month reporting from Ukrainian cities that were under Russian attack or occupation.
埃琳娜在第一个月里从遭受俄罗斯攻击或占领的乌克兰城市进行报道。
In those weeks, I could only focus on what was directly in front of me, where I could find electricity, where I could shower, how to cross the front lines for a story, how I could document everything I was seeing.
在那几周里，我只能专注于眼前的事物，哪里可以找到电力，哪里可以洗澡，如何跨越前线去报道故事，如何记录我所看到的一切。
I was surrounded by catastrophe, figuring out how to operate inside of a catastrophe.
我被灾难包围着，思考如何在灾难中运作。
What I couldn't see then, and I'm beginning to understand now, was the whole bigger picture of what had been unleashed since the invasion.
当时我看不到的，现在我开始明白，是自入侵以来所发生的事情的整体情况。
There were new dangers now and new rules.
现在有新的危险和新的规则。
I couldn't foresee how much my world was going to change.
I couldn't foresee how much my world was going to change.
First, my newspaper collapsed.
首先，我的报纸倒塌了。
I was at a checkpoint when I learned that Novaya Gazeta, the paper that I'd worked for 17 years, was ceasing operations under pressure from the Russian government.
当我在检查站时，我得知我工作了 17 年的《新报》在俄罗斯政府的压力下停止运营。
In some ways, I'd been expecting it.
在某些方面，我一直在期待它。
Other Russian media outlets were shutting down left and right.
其他俄罗斯媒体也纷纷关闭。
But still, the pain of it was unbearable.
但即便如此，那种痛苦还是难以忍受。
Novaya was like a second family to me.
诺瓦亚对我来说就像第二个家庭。
When I got the news, I'd been planning to go to Mariupol.
当我得知这个消息时，我正计划去马里乌波尔。
Mariupol was still resisting Russian incursion.
马里乌波尔仍在抵抗俄罗斯的入侵。
I decided that I was going to stick to my plan-- go to Mariupol anyway, publish whatever I wrote wherever I could.
我决定坚持我的计划——无论如何去马里乌波尔，尽可能发表我写的任何东西。
I spent the afternoon before I was supposed to go in a hotel.
我在本该去酒店之前度过了一个下午。
I was trying to gather my strength.
我试图积聚力量。
A colleague from Novaya called me.
一位来自诺瓦亚的同事给我打电话。
She asked me if I was still planning on going to Mariupol.
她问我是否还打算去马里乌波尔。
I was taken aback.
我吃了一惊。
Only two people from the newspaper knew that I was supposed to go there.
报社里只有两个人知道我应该去那里。
I said, yeah, I'm going tomorrow.
我说，是啊，我明天就去。
And she said, my sources have gotten in touch with me.
她说，我的消息来源已经与我取得了联系。
They know that you're going to Mariupol.
他们知道你要去马里乌波尔。
They said that the Kadyrovites have orders to find you.
他们说卡德罗夫派奉命找到你。
They're not just going to hold you.
他们不仅仅会抓住你。
They're going to kill you.
他们会杀了你。
Those are their orders.
这是他们的命令。
It was like running into a wall.
就像撞到墙上一样。
I went deaf.
我聋了。
Everything went white.
一切都变白了。
I said, I don't believe you.
我说，我不相信你。
And she said, that's what I said, too.
她说，我也是这么说的。
I told them I don't believe them, but then they played me a recording of you talking to somebody about going to Mariupol, planning your trip.
我告诉他们我不相信他们，但后来他们给我播放了一段你和某人谈论去马里乌波尔、计划你的旅行的录音。
I recognized your voice.
我认出了你的声音。
She hung up, and I sat down on the bed I didn't think anything.
She hung up, and I sat down on the bed I didn't think anything.
I just sat there.
我只是坐在那里。
40 minutes later, my source from Ukrainian Military Reconnaissance called me.
40 分钟后，乌克兰军事侦察部门的线人给我打电话。
He said, we have information that an assassination of a female journalist from Novaya Gazeta is being organized in Ukraine.
他说，我们有消息称，乌克兰正在组织暗杀《新报》一名女记者。
An all points bulletin on you has been sent out to every Russian checkpoint.
关于您的所有要点公告已发送到俄罗斯的每个检查站。
I couldn't stand the idea that they were going to stop me from reporting on their massive atrocities.
我无法忍受他们要阻止我报道他们的大规模暴行。
I decided to give myself another 24 hours to figure out another plan for getting to Mariupol.
我决定再给自己 24 小时的时间来制定另一个前往马里乌波尔的计划。
The following morning, I woke up to messages from an editor at Novaya.
The following morning, I woke up to messages from an editor at Novaya.
The Russian Prosecutor General's Office and the government censor had sent them letters demanding they take my reporting from Ukraine down from their website.
俄罗斯总检察长办公室和政府审查机构已致函他们，要求他们从他们的网站上删除我在乌克兰的报道。
The authorities said that if Novaya didn't take my stories off of the website, the whole site would be taken down.
当局表示，如果 Novaya 不从网站上删除我的故事，整个网站就会被删除。
Novaya took my stories off of the site.
Novaya 把我的故事从网站上拿走了。
Somehow, this is what crushed me.
不知何故，这就是压垮我的原因。
I started crying and couldn't stop.
我开始哭泣，无法停止。
Then rage came in place of the tears.
然后愤怒代替了眼泪。
I decided I would go to Mariupol, no matter what.
I decided I would go to Mariupol, no matter what.
I kept trying to find another road in, a road that didn't exist.
我一直试图寻找另一条路，一条不存在的路。
The only thing that ultimately stopped me from going was thinking about what would happen to whoever agreed to take me in their car.
The only thing that ultimately stopped me from going was thinking about what would happen to whoever agreed to take me in their car.
If I got killed, they wouldn't be spared either.
如果我被杀了，他们也难逃一死。
The next night, I left Ukraine.
第二天晚上，我离开了乌克兰。
I left in a really bad state.
我离开时的状态非常糟糕。
I had lice, mumps, and PTSD.
我患有虱子、腮腺炎和创伤后应激障碍。
My friends took me in.
我的朋友带我进去的。
My girlfriend Yana came from Russia.
我的女朋友亚娜来自俄罗斯。
She tended to me.
她照顾我。
My plan was to get better, finish the book I was writing, and go back to Russia.
My plan was to get better, finish the book I was writing, and go back to Russia.
All of my work, my mother and sister, my entire life, all of that was there.
我所有的工作、我的母亲和姐姐、我的整个生活，所有这些都在那里。
I couldn't yet see that in this new world, I wouldn't be able to go home.
I couldn't yet see that in this new world, I wouldn't be able to go home.
At the end of April, two months into the war, Novaya's editor-in-chief Dmitry Muratov called me.
At the end of April, two months into the war, Novaya's editor-in-chief Dmitry Muratov called me.
He spoke in a very gentle voice.
他用非常温和的声音说话。
He said, I know that you want to come home, but you cannot go back to Russia.
He said, I know that you want to come home, but you cannot go back to Russia.
They're going to kill you.
他们会杀了你。
I hung up the phone and started screaming.
我挂断电话并开始尖叫。
I stood in the street and screamed.
我站在街上尖叫起来。
At the end of September, I got in touch with Muratov again.
At the end of September, I got in touch with Muratov again.
I asked him to find out whether I could return to Russia now.
I asked him to find out whether I could return to Russia now.
He called me back several days later.
几天后他给我回了电话。
No, no, no.
不，不，不。
I found an apartment in Berlin and stayed there.
我在柏林找到了一套公寓并住在那里。
I began working for the largest remaining independent Russian media outlet, Meduza.
I began working for the largest remaining independent Russian media outlet, Meduza.
We decided that my first reporting trip was going to be to Iran.
我们决定我的第一次报道之旅将前往伊朗。
And then we decided that after Iran, I would go back to Ukraine.
And then we decided that after Iran, I would go back to Ukraine.
I decided to go to Munich to apply for a visa at the Ukrainian consulate there in person.
I decided to go to Munich to apply for a visa at the Ukrainian consulate there in person.
Their website had been attacked by hackers and wasn't letting me file for a visa online.
他们的网站遭到黑客攻击，不允许我在线申请签证。
There is no justification for what I did next, and there cannot be, but I need to confess that when I was planning my trip to Munich, I corresponded about it over Facebook Messenger.
我接下来所做的事情没有任何理由，也不可能有，但我需要承认，当我计划去慕尼黑旅行时，我通过 Facebook Messenger 对此进行了沟通。
It wasn't secure at that time, and I knew that, but I thought, I'm not in Russia.
那时并不安全，我知道这一点，但我想，我不在俄罗斯。
I'm in Germany.
我在德国。
I believed that Europe was safe.
我相信欧洲是安全的。
The basic tenets of my security, the protocols I'd been following for years, didn't even occur to me.
我什至没有想到我的安全的基本原则，我多年来一直遵循的协议。
I left myself exposed to what happened next at all of these moments that I can see so clearly when I look back.
I left myself exposed to what happened next at all of these moments that I can see so clearly when I look back.
On the evening of October 17, I took an overnight train to Munich.
10月17日晚，我乘连夜火车前往慕尼黑。
I took off my shoes, lay down on my seat, and slept.
我脱掉鞋子，躺在座位上，睡着了。
People walked past me.
人们从我身边走过。
They'd bump into my feet.
他们会撞到我的脚。
I kept sleeping.
我继续睡觉。
On the morning of October 18, I arrived.
10月18日早上，我到达了。
I went to meet my friend, tried to sleep, then went to the consulate.
I went to meet my friend, tried to sleep, then went to the consulate.
But I still wasn't able to apply for a visa.
但我还是没能申请到签证。
Now, their internal system was glitching.
现在，他们的内部系统出现了故障。
We decided that I would come back another day.
我们决定我改天再来。
My friend picked me up at the consulate, and we went out to lunch.
我的朋友到领事馆接我，然后我们出去吃午饭。
We sat outside at a restaurant.
我们坐在外面的一家餐厅。
While we were eating, two different groups of her acquaintances happened to run into us.
当我们吃饭的时候，她的两群不同的熟人碰巧遇到了我们。
They came up to our table.
他们来到我们的餐桌旁。
There was a man and then two women.
有一个男人，然后有两个女人。
I thought, what a small town Munich is.
我想，慕尼黑是一个多么小的小镇啊。
It's like everyone here knows each other.
就好像这里的每个人都互相认识一样。
I went to the bathroom and then came back.
我去了趟洗手间，然后又回来了。
All I could think about was the visa.
我满脑子想的就是签证。
It was unlikely that I was going to get it, but what if it worked out?
我不太可能得到它，但如果它成功了怎么办？
After lunch, my friend took me back to the train station.
吃完午饭，朋友送我回火车站。
As we approached it, she said, listen, I have to tell you something.
当我们接近它时，她说，听着，我必须告诉你一些事情。
You smell bad.
你闻起来很难闻。
Let me find you some deodorant.
让我给你找点除臭剂。
But she couldn't find any.
但她什么也没找到。
I remember I was really surprised.
我记得我真的很惊讶。
She's a very tactful person.
她是一个非常机智的人。
She would have never said anything to me if I hadn't actually smelled terrible.
如果我没有闻起来很糟糕的话，她永远不会对我说什么。
When I got on the train, I found my seat and immediately went to the bathroom.
上车后，我找到座位，立即去洗手间。
I wet some paper towels and started wiping myself off with them.
我弄湿了一些纸巾，开始用它们擦拭自己。
I was covered in sweat.
我满身是汗。
The sweat smelled strong and strange, like rotten fruit.
汗水闻起来很浓很奇怪，就像腐烂的水果一样。
I sat down and started reading the manuscript of my book.
我坐下来开始阅读我的书的手稿。
After a while, I realized that I was just reading the same paragraph over and over.
过了一会儿，我意识到我只是一遍又一遍地读同一段话。
My head ached.
我的头很痛。
I had gotten over COVID a few weeks earlier.
几周前我已经克服了新冠肺炎。
I thought, do I really have it again?
我想，我真的又拥有了吗？
I was covered in sweat.
我满身是汗。
I went back to the bathroom and wiped myself off again.
我回到浴室，又擦了擦身子。
When I got out at the Berlin train station, it hit me that I couldn't figure out how to get home.
当我从柏林火车站出来时，我突然意识到我不知道如何回家。
I've tried to describe what was going on in my mind at the train station, and the closest I can get is this.
我试图描述一下我在火车站时脑子里发生的事情，我能得到的最接近的就是这个。
A friend told me once about what it was like having a stroke.
有一次，一位朋友告诉我中风的感觉。
She knew she was having a stroke.
她知道自己中风了。
She understood that she needed to get down the stairs of her house and go out into the street, but she couldn't understand stairs.
她明白她需要走下家的楼梯，走到街上，但她不明白楼梯。
I asked her, you mean you couldn't walk down the stairs?
我问她，你的意思是你不能走下楼梯？
She said, no. It wasn't about being able to walk.
她说，不。这与能否行走无关。
I couldn't understand the concept of stairs at all.
我根本无法理解楼梯的概念。
For me, the idea of space itself felt weird.
对我来说，空间的概念本身就感觉很奇怪。
In Berlin, it's easy to transfer from the train to the subway.
在柏林，从火车换乘地铁很方便。
I'd done it many times.
我已经做过很多次了。
But suddenly, I didn't understand getting from one platform to another, the whole idea of changing levels.
但突然之间，我不明白从一个平台到另一个平台，以及改变关卡的整个想法。
My mind failed.
我的头脑失败了。
I was terrified.
我很害怕。
Finally, I did manage to get on the subway platform, but when I realized that the trains went in both directions and I would have to figure out which way to go, I burst into tears.
最后，我终于上了地铁站台，但当我意识到火车是双向的，我必须弄清楚该走哪条路时，我泪流满面。
People on the platform helped me get on the right train and told me to go two stops and then get off.
站台上的人帮我上了正确的车，并告诉我走两站然后下车。
I did.
我做到了。
On the stairs, I got short of breath.
走到楼梯上，我感到呼吸急促。
I thought to myself, this fucking COVID has really messed me up this time.
我心里想，这该死的新冠病毒这次真是把我搞砸了。
I didn't once think, maybe I've been poisoned.
我没想过，我可能是中毒了。
I didn't know that what was possible had shifted.
我不知道一切可能发生的事情已经发生了变化。
In the old world, before the war, Russian reporters had been poisoned, but only inside of Russia.
在旧世界，战前，俄罗斯记者曾被投毒，但仅限于俄罗斯境内。
Russians who were poisoned outside the country had mostly been former security services people, not reporters, like me.
在国外中毒的俄罗斯人大多是前安全部门人员，而不是像我这样的记者。
As soon as I got home, I went to sleep.
我一回到家就去睡觉了。
I hoped that I would feel better when I got up, but I only got worse.
我希望起床后会感觉好些，但结果却变得更糟。
A pain in my stomach woke me up.
肚子里的一阵疼痛把我吵醒了。
The feeling was strange, very strong, but like it kept getting switched on and off.
这种感觉很奇怪，非常强烈，但就像它不断地开关一样。
I felt so dizzy.
我感到头晕目眩。
The room was spinning.
房间在旋转。
I barely slept.
我几乎没睡着。
My head kept spinning whenever I sat down or got up.
每当我坐下或站起来时，我的头就一直旋转。
On the third day, it became clear that I was not going anywhere and that whatever I had wasn't COVID.
第三天，我清楚地意识到我不会去任何地方，而且我所拥有的一切都不是新冠病毒。
It isn't easy to see a doctor in Berlin.
在柏林看医生并不容易。
And I didn't know how to navigate the medical system.
我不知道如何浏览医疗系统。
I wasn't able to get an appointment until 10 days after I got ill.
直到生病10天后我才得以预约。
The appointment was at a regular clinic in my neighborhood.
预约是在我家附近的一家常规诊所进行的。
The doctors, there were two of them, both immediately said that I had long COVID, but they did an ultrasound, too, just in case-- all clear.
医生有两个，他们都立即说我患有长期新冠肺炎，但他们也做了超声波检查，以防万一——一切都清楚了。
I also got them to do some blood tests.
我还让他们做了一些血液检查。
I came out of the clinic consoled.
我从诊所出来，得到了安慰。
It was nothing.
没什么。
I'd get better soon.
我很快就会好起来的。
Then the blood tests came back.
然后血液测试回来了。
They were bad.
他们很糟糕。
The levels of ALT and AST, two enzymes in my liver, were five times above normal.
我肝脏中的两种酶 ALT 和 AST 的水平比正常值高出五倍。
They tested my urine.
他们测试了我的尿液。
There was blood in it.
里面有血。
The doctors began taking me seriously.
医生们开始认真对待我。
I was referred to another more experienced specialist.
我被推荐给另一位更有经验的专家。
She said that it was most likely viral hepatitis, which I had contracted during the war.
她说这很可能是病毒性肝炎，我是在战争期间感染的。
We'll figure out which hepatitis it is, and then we'll treat it, she said.
“我们会查明是哪种肝炎，然后我们会治疗它，”她说。
The hepatitis tests came back negative.
肝炎检测结果呈阴性。
My symptoms kept changing.
我的症状不断变化。
My face started swelling.
我的脸开始肿胀。
My fingers started looking like sausages.
我的手指开始看起来像香肠。
Then it was my feet.
然后是我的脚。
I lost sight of my chin.
我看不见我的下巴了。
My face was no longer my face.
我的脸不再是我的脸了。
I couldn't recognize myself in the mirror.
我认不出镜子里的自己了。
Sometimes the palms of my hands and the bottoms of my feet would start to burn, turning red and shiny.
有时我的手掌和脚底会开始灼痛，变得又红又亮。
A few weeks into these symptoms, a friend of mine came to Berlin.
出现这些症状几周后，我的一个朋友来到了柏林。
He was horrified at the state I was in.
他对我现在的处境感到震惊。
He said, do you understand that you may have been poisoned?
他说，你明白你可能中毒了吗？
Have you talked to your doctors about that?
你和你的医生谈过这件事吗？
I said, I haven't, and I'm not going to.
我说，我没有，我也不会。
That's stupid.
那太愚蠢了。
I said, don't try to infect me with your paranoia.
我说，别试图用你的偏执来感染我。
Everything was exhausting, but I stopped being able to sleep altogether.
一切都让人筋疲力尽，但我完全无法入睡。
It was as though my brain had forgotten how to fall asleep.
就好像我的大脑忘记了如何入睡。
My hepatic enzyme levels kept rising.
我的肝酶水平不断上升。
I kept going to doctors.
我一直去看医生。
The doctors would come up with theories, test them, come up with new ones-- autoimmune diseases, systemic diseases, acute complicated complex pyelonephritis.
医生们会提出理论，测试它们，提出新的理论——自身免疫性疾病、全身性疾病、急性复杂性复杂性肾盂肾炎。
Finally, a doctor asked me, is it possible that you've been poisoned?
最后，医生问我，你有没有可能中毒了？
I replied, no, I'm not that dangerous.
我回答说，不，我没那么危险。
I told Yana about it later, and we laughed.
后来我把这件事告诉了亚娜，我们都笑了。
She said, of course.
她说，当然。
It's the simplest explanation.
这是最简单的解释。
A Russian journalist?
俄罗斯记者？
She must have been poisoned.
她一定是中毒了。
In December, two months after my trip to Munich, I went back to my neighborhood doctor.
十二月，也就是我去慕尼黑旅行两个月后，我又去看了附近的医生。
I got a new round of tests, and the results had gotten worse.
我进行了新一轮的测试，结果变得更糟。
My ALT was seven times above normal.
我的 ALT 比正常值高七倍。
We sat in the doctor's office.
我们坐在医生的办公室里。
Then she said, Elena, there are two theories left.
然后她说，埃琳娜，还有两种理论。
The first one is that the antidepressants you're on may have suddenly started working aberrantly.
第一个是您正在服用的抗抑郁药可能突然开始出现异常作用。
But you recently changed medications, and your symptoms and test results haven't changed.
但您最近更换了药物，但您的症状和检查结果没有改变。
That's why we have a second theory.
这就是为什么我们有第二种理论。
Please try to stay calm.
请尽量保持冷静。
You may have been poisoned.
你可能中毒了。
I laughed.
我笑了。
The doctor stayed silent.
医生保持沉默。
I said, that's impossible.
我说，那不可能。
She said, we've ruled out all other options.
她说，我们已经排除了所有其他选择。
I'm sorry.
对不起。
You need to go to the Toxicology Department at Charité Hospital.
您需要去 Charité 医院毒理学科。
I spent the next three days in the apartment, just lying there and thinking.
接下来的三天我都在公寓里度过，只是躺在那里思考。
At first, I told Yana that it was all stupid and that the doctors had made a mistake.
起初，我告诉雅娜，这一切都很愚蠢，医生犯了一个错误。
They just couldn't figure out how to diagnose me and didn't want to run any more tests.
他们只是不知道如何诊断我，也不想进行更多测试。
Then I got in touch with Meduza, my employer.
然后我联系了我的雇主 Meduza。
And we started trying to plan our next steps.
我们开始尝试计划下一步。
In order to get blood tests done for poisoning in Berlin, you have to go to the police.
为了在柏林进行中毒验血，您必须去警察局。
So I did.
所以我做到了。
They sent me straight to the hospital from the precinct.
他们直接把我从辖区送到医院。
The police officers came, too, to talk to me and the doctors.
警察也来找我和医生谈话。
My first round of questioning with the Berlin criminal police lasted nine hours.
我与柏林刑警的第一轮审讯持续了九个小时。
They wanted to know everything, what I was working on, what I was planning to work on, who I had been in contact with in Ukraine, who I was talking to now.
他们想知道一切，我正在做什么，我计划做什么，我在乌克兰与谁接触过，我现在正在与谁交谈。
I had to reconstruct October 17 and 18, my trip to Munich, minute by minute.
我必须一分钟一分钟地回忆起 10 月 17 日和 18 日我的慕尼黑之旅。
The police checked my clothes and apartment for radiation, my body, too.
警察检查了我的衣服和公寓以及我的身体是否有辐射。
They took the clothes I traveled to Munich with.
他们拿走了我去慕尼黑旅行时穿的衣服。
Then the police did a safety check of my apartment.
然后警察对我的公寓进行了安全检查。
An officer asked me, why are your blinds open?
一个警察问我，你的百叶窗为什么开着？
You could easily be shot from the balcony across the way.
你很容易从对面的阳台上被枪杀。
They told me I needed to follow new safety protocols.
他们告诉我，我需要遵守新的安全规程。
Like what?
比如什么？
I asked.
我问。
Move.
移动。
Take different routes home.
走不同的路线回家。
Don't get cabs directly to your destination.
不要直接乘坐出租车到达目的地。
Get out of cars a few blocks away.
从几个街区外的汽车下车。
Wear sunglasses.
戴上太阳镜。
The police officers were mad at me.
警察们对我很生气。
They didn't show it at first.
他们一开始并没有表现出来。
But after the third round of questioning, we started talking.
但在第三轮询问之后，我们开始交谈。
The lead detective said, we can't understand why it took you this long to come to us.
首席侦探说，我们不明白为什么你花了这么长时间才来找我们。
You should have called the police right away, as soon as you felt sick on the train.
当你在火车上感到不舒服时，你应该立即报警。
We would have met you at the station.
我们本来会在车站遇见你的。
But I didn't think I'd been poisoned.
但我没想到我中毒了。
I'm still not sure.
我还是不确定。
Why didn't you think so?
你为什么不这么认为？
It seemed crazy to me.
我觉得这很疯狂。
And I'm in Europe.
我在欧洲。
I felt like I was safe here.
我觉得我在这里很安全。
That is what drives us up the wall, the detective said.
侦探说，这就是让我们陷入困境的原因。
You people come here and act like you're on vacation, like this is some kind of paradise.
你们来到这里，表现得就像在度假一样，就像这是某种天堂。
It doesn't even occur to you to keep yourself safe.
你甚至没有想到要保证自己的安全。
The Russian Special Services are active in Germany.
俄罗斯特种部队在德国很活跃。
We have political killings here.
我们这里有政治杀戮。
The senior detective had already run two previous investigations of Russian citizens being attacked in Berlin.
这位高级侦探之前已经对俄罗斯公民在柏林遭受袭击的事件进行过两次调查。
One was shot and killed in Berlin in 2019.
2019 年，其中一人在柏林被枪杀。
The killer, Vadim Krasikov, received a life sentence in Germany for murder, quote, on the orders of the Russian government.
凶手瓦迪姆·克拉西科夫 (Vadim Krasikov) 在德国因谋杀罪被俄罗斯政府判处无期徒刑。
A year earlier, the same detective investigated the apparent poisoning of a prominent critic of President Putin, Pyotr Verzilov.
一年前，同一名侦探调查了普京总统的著名批评者彼得·韦尔齐洛夫(Pyotr Verzilov)明显中毒事件。
But, the detective said, we weren't able to establish anything in that case, not even the substance used.
但是，侦探说，我们无法确定该案的任何内容，甚至无法确定所使用的物质。
I asked, how come?
我问，怎么会呢？
Because it's impossible to ask a lab, was this person poisoned?
因为不可能去实验室询问这个人是否中毒了？
You could only ask if there was a specific substance present in their body.
你只能问他们体内是否存在某种特定物质。
And there are thousands of poisonous substances.
而且有毒物质有上千种。
That's why it's such a popular means of assassination.
这就是为什么它是一种如此流行的暗杀手段。
The Berlin police do not have any answers for me.
柏林警方没有给我任何答案。
Four months after I'd first gone to them, the prosecutor general's office informed me that they had not found, quote, "any indication that there had been an attempt to kill me." Quote, "Blood test results do not conclusively indicate poisoning."
在我第一次去找他们四个月后，总检察长办公室告诉我，他们没有发现“任何迹象表明有人企图杀害我”。引用：“验血结果并不能最终表明中毒。”
But in the meantime, I was approached by the editor-in-chief of online Russian investigative news site Insider at a journalism conference.
但与此同时，俄罗斯在线调查新闻网站 Insider 的主编在一次新闻会议上找到了我。
He took me aside.
他把我拉到一边。
Elena, I have a personal question.
埃琳娜，我有一个私人问题。
But first, I need to tell you something.
但首先，我需要告诉你一些事情。
Christo Grozev from Bellingcat and I have been investigating a series of poisonings in Europe.
来自 Bellingcat 的 Christo Grozev 和我一直在调查欧洲发生的一系列中毒事件。
All the known targets are female Russian journalists.
所有已知目标都是俄罗斯女记者。
I want to ask you.
我想问你。
You haven't written anything for a long time.
你已经很久没有写东西了。
Is it because you've been sick?
是因为你生病了吗？
And I told him what I'm telling you now.
我告诉了他我现在告诉你的事情。
The doctors and toxicologists Bellingcat consulted came to the conclusion that the most likely explanation of what happened to me was that I'd been poisoned with an organochlorine compound.
贝林卡特咨询过的医生和毒理学家得出的结论是，对我身上发生的事情最有可能的解释是我是被有机氯化合物中毒的。
I've passed this information on to the Berlin police.
我已将此信息转交给柏林警方。
I've thought a lot about why it took me so long to believe I'd been poisoned.
我想了很多为什么我花了这么长时间才相信自己中毒了。
During my time at Novaya Gazeta, four of my colleagues were killed.
在《新报》工作期间，我的四名同事被杀。
I organized the funeral of Khimki journalist Mikhail Beketov.
我组织了希姆基记者米哈伊尔·别克托夫的葬礼。
He'd been a friend.
他曾经是一个朋友。
I knew that journalists got murdered, but I didn't want to believe that they could kill me.
我知道记者被谋杀了，但我不想相信他们会杀了我。
I was protected from this thought by revulsion, shame, and exhaustion.
厌恶、羞耻和疲惫使我免于产生这种想法。
It disgusted me to think that there were people who wanted me dead.
一想到有人想要我死，我就感到恶心。
I was ashamed to talk about it, even with loved ones, let alone the police.
我羞于谈论这件事，即使是与亲人谈论，更不用说警察了。
And I felt how exhausted I was, how little strength I had left, that I wouldn't be able to go on the run again.
我感到我是多么的疲惫，我所剩的力气是多么的少，我再也无法继续逃跑了。
At this point, the pain, nausea, and swelling have gone.
此时，疼痛、恶心和肿胀已经消失。
But I still have very little energy.
但我的精力还是很少。
There are days when I can't do anything.
有时候我什么也做不了。
I feel useless.
我觉得没用。
Reporting is what has given me purpose my whole life.
报告给了我一生的目标。
My partner, Yana, and I have to move every month now.
我和我的伴侣亚娜现在每个月都必须搬家。
The Berlin police say we need to, as much as we can, for our safety.
柏林警方表示，为了我们的安全，我们需要尽我们所能。
We have to decide for ourselves how much moving that means.
我们必须自己决定这意味着多少感动。
It's so exhausting every time-- new languages, new currencies, new neighborhoods, packing, unpacking, over and over again.
每次都让人筋疲力尽——新的语言、新的货币、新的社区、打包、拆包，一遍又一遍。
It's hard for anyone to get a sense of what's safe or what's dangerous in our current reality.
在我们当前的现实中，任何人都很难了解什么是安全的，什么是危险的。
Like, what if moving around so much is actually stupid, and we're driving ourselves crazy for nothing?
比如说，如果如此频繁地四处走动实际上是愚蠢的，而且我们无缘无故地让自己发疯怎么办？
Does anyone really know what Yana and I are supposed to do?
有人真的知道我和亚娜应该做什么吗？
But the reality that we found ourselves in isn't actually totally new to me.
但我们所处的现实对我来说并不是全新的。
There's something familiar in it.
里面有一些熟悉的东西。
Even though Russia is my home, I never felt safe there.
尽管俄罗斯是我的家，但我在那里从未感到安全。
So for me, the feeling of home is the feeling of being unsafe.
所以对我来说，家的感觉就是不安全的感觉。
Now, I walk around foreign cities the same way I used to walk around Russian cities, paying close attention to the people and things around me, listening, watching, always weighing my risks.
现在，我在外国城市里走来走去，就像以前在俄罗斯城市里走动一样，密切关注周围的人和事，倾听、观察，时刻权衡自己的风险。
The habit of being vigilant actually feels comforting.
保持警惕的习惯实际上让人感到安慰。
It is both normal and not.
这既正常又不正常。
You can take the girl out of Russia, but Russia may not let you go.
你可以把女孩带出俄罗斯，但俄罗斯可能不会放你走。
Bela Shayevich reading an essay by Elena Kostyuchenko.
贝拉·沙耶维奇 (Bela Shayevich) 阅读埃琳娜·科斯尤琴科 (Elena Kostyuchenko) 的文章。
This essay first appeared in n+1, translated into English by Bela.
这篇文章首次发表于《n+1》，由 Bela 翻译成英文。
The book Elena talks about in the essay has come out.
埃琳娜在文章中谈到的书已经出版了。
It's full of intimate, eye-opening stories of people all over Russia.
它充满了俄罗斯各地人们的亲密、令人大开眼界的故事。
It's called I Love Russia, Reporting from a Lost Country.
它的名字叫《我爱俄罗斯，来自失落国度的报道》。
The radio adaptation of her essay was produced by Nancy Updike and Valerie Kipnis.
她的文章的广播改编由南希·厄普代克和瓦莱丽·基普尼斯制作。
Coming up, something good happens suddenly to comedian Tig Notaro, but she has trouble catching up to the reality of that.
接下来，喜剧演员蒂格·诺塔罗突然发生了一些好事，但她很难赶上现实。
That's in a minute from Chicago Public Radio when our program continues.
芝加哥公共广播电台一分钟后我们的节目仍在继续。
It's This American Life.
这就是美国生活。
I'm Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯。
Our show today is about moments when we all find ourselves catching up to some new reality that we're living inside, moments when we're shocked to realize that we are unprepared for what has already happened.
我们今天的节目讲述的是当我们发现自己正在追赶我们所生活的新现实的时刻，当我们震惊地意识到我们对已经发生的事情毫无准备的时刻。
I don't know about you, but I feel like we get a lot of those moments these last few years.
我不了解你的情况，但我觉得过去几年我们经历了很多这样的时刻。
They happen when they're big, world shaking changes-- wars and politics, pandemics, the climate.
当战争、政治、流行病、气候等重大、震撼世界的变化发生时，它们就会发生。
But they also happen with small, personal upheavals.
但它们也会随着个人的小变化而发生。
We find ourselves catching up to some new reality that we find ourselves in.
我们发现自己正在迎头赶上一些新的现实。
We have an example of that happening that got recorded on tape, like as it happened, somebody who was not adjusted to the new reality, their heads still sort of spinning, trying to get a grip on where they now found themselves.
我们有一个发生在磁带上的例子，就像发生的那样，一个没有适应新现实的人，他们的头仍然在旋转，试图抓住他们现在发现自己的位置。
This is going to be the second act of our show.
这将是我们演出的第二幕。
Act Two, We At The Hotel, Motel, Very Locked In.
第二幕，我们在酒店，汽车旅馆，非常锁定。
And the person this happens to is one of our regular contributors, Tig Notaro.
发生这种情况的人是我们的定期撰稿人之一，Tig Notaro。
She was on tour, doing stand up in Sacramento, California, in a big theater, the Crest Theater.
她正在巡回演出，在加利福尼亚州萨克拉门托的克雷斯特剧院 (Crest Theater) 大剧院里表演单口喜剧表演。
[CHEERING] Ira Glass And right before she got on stage, this thing happened to her.
[欢呼] Ira Glass 就在她上台之前，这件事发生在她身上。
And you can hear it in her voice.
你可以从她的声音中听出这一点。
In this recording, she is still not over this.
在这段录音中，她还没有结束这件事。
Mentally, she has barely caught up to the fact that she is on stage in front of all these people, and she talks it out, brings them along for her mental ride with this.
从精神上来说，她几乎没有意识到自己站在舞台上，在所有这些人面前，她把它说出来，带着他们一起参加她的精神之旅。
Oh, my gosh.
哦，天哪。
Sacramento, you have no idea how happy I am to see you.
萨克拉门托，你不知道见到你我有多高兴。
You really don't.
你真的不知道。
You don't know how happy I am to see you.
你不知道见到你我有多高兴。
I had no idea how happy I was going to be to see you.
我不知道见到你我会多么高兴。
I was already happy, but what you don't know-- and this is going to sound funny, but it wasn't-- in your fair city, at my hotel, I was locked in my bathroom for 30 minutes.
我已经很高兴了，但你不知道的是——这听起来很有趣，但事实并非如此——在你们美丽的城市，在我的酒店，我被锁在浴室里 30 分钟。
You're laughing.
你在笑。
It was not funny.
这并不好笑。
And I was like, oh, I can't believe I'm out of there.
我当时想，哦，我不敢相信我已经离开了那里。
I don't know if you can see.
不知道你能不能看到。
I was trying to break out of my bathroom.
我试图冲出我的浴室。
I have bruising and swelling.
我有瘀伤和肿胀。
That's what was going on when you were out to dinner before the show.
这就是演出前你出去吃晚饭时发生的事情。
I was trapped in my bathroom at my hotel.
我被困在酒店的浴室里。
Sorry.
对不起。
Tig Notaro What?
蒂格·诺塔罗 什么？
Yes.
是的。
I appreciate it.
我很感激。
And you know what?
你知道吗？
I was on my way over here, going, oh, I cannot wait to see these people.
我正在来这里的路上，哦，我迫不及待地想见到这些人。
I will never forget you.
我永远不会忘记你。
I truly was having a panic-- picture 30 minutes.
我真的很恐慌——30分钟的画面。
You know those locks that do this?
你知道那些锁有这样的功能吗？
And they go into the wall and they lock down?
他们进入墙内并锁定？
Wouldn't open.
打不开。
Stuck 30 minutes.
卡了30分钟。
Tig, move on.
蒂格，继续前进。
I know.
我知道。
But it wasn't even 30 minutes ago that that was happening.
但那件事发生还不到 30 分钟。
In fact, I know there's a woman here, right?
事实上，我知道这里有一个女人，对吗？
Clap.
拍。
I saw you in the hall at the hotel.
我在酒店的大厅里看到你了。
Are you here?
你在这里？
Yeah.
是的。
I had just gotten out of my bathroom.
我刚刚从浴室出来。
She's like, oh, I'm going to your show.
她就像，哦，我要去你的演出。
I was like, oh, god, you have no idea.
我当时想，哦，上帝，你不知道。
You know what I learned?
你知道我学到了什么吗？
I can't break a wall down.
我无法推倒一堵墙。
I can't kick a door down.
我不能把门踢下去。
I was like, OK.
我当时想，好吧。
You're not going to die.
你不会死的。
You're not going to die.
你不会死的。
What could kill you?
什么可以杀死你？
Nothing, except yourself.
什么都没有，除了你自己。
Because I was truly like, do I just knock myself out?
因为我真的想，我会不会把自己搞垮了？
That's a thought.
这是一个想法。
I was like, do I slam my head in the wall and just go unconscious?
我当时想，我会不会把头撞到墙上然后就失去知觉呢？
Because I can't deal with this.
因为我无法处理这个事情。
And then I was like, or do I just get in the shower and then just take another shower and pretend like this isn't happening?
然后我就想，或者我只是去洗个澡，然后再洗个澡，假装这件事没有发生？
And I was like, no!
我当时想，不！
Same question for you.
同样的问题问你。
I don't know.
我不知道。
How did I get out?
我是怎么出去的？
I called Stephanie.
我打电话给斯蒂芬妮。
I was backstage just now, calling her, and I was like, I just have to talk to you.
我刚才在后台给她打电话，我想，我只是想和你谈谈。
I have to tell you what I just went through.
我必须告诉你我刚刚经历了什么。
I was just traumatized.
我只是受到了创伤。
I have to go on stage.
我必须走上舞台。
And she said, how did it open?
她说，它是怎么打开的？
And I said, honestly?
我说，说实话？
I don't know.
我不知道。
I don't know how it opened.
我不知道它是怎么打开的。
I am not a religious person.
我不是一个有宗教信仰的人。
And I don't really believe in magic.
而且我真的不相信魔法。
But one or the other happened in that room in my hotel tonight.
但今晚其中一件事就发生在我酒店的那个房间里。
Magic or the Good Lord opened the bathroom.
魔法或上帝打开了浴室。
I forgot to tell you what room I'm in.
我忘了告诉你我在哪个房间。
My voice is still shaking.
我的声音还在颤抖。
That's how recent it was.
那是最近的事情。
Aw, you guys are kind.
噢，你们真是好心人。
And you know what?
你知道吗？
I knew it in my bones.
我骨子里知道这一点。
I was like, I know they're going to be good to me.
我当时想，我知道他们会对我很好。
And I thought, don't talk about this.
我想，不要谈论这个。
I can't help myself.
我无法自拔。
I was still saying it to myself as I walked up the stairs.
当我走上楼梯时，我还在自言自语。
It's like, don't.
就像，不要。
Don't talk about it.
别说这个了。
Just go into your material.
只需进入您的材料即可。
And I was like, I was locked in my bathroom for 30 minutes.
我当时想，我被锁在浴室里 30 分钟了。
And I don't mean to really bum you out, but I was crying.
我并不是故意让你生气，但我哭了。
I know!
我知道！
I was crying, and I was like, I know this is going to be funny.
我哭了，我想，我知道这会很有趣。
But I didn't think it was going to be tonight.
但我没想到会是今晚。
I didn't think the humor was going to come tonight.
我没想到今晚会出现幽默。
I thought it was going to be like in a month.
我以为一个月后就会这样。
And then I was walking up these steps right here, and I was like, just get into your material.
然后我就在这里走上这些台阶，我想，就进入你的材料吧。
I know your head's still stuck in that bathroom, and you're still shaking.
我知道你的头还卡在浴室里，而且还在发抖。
I learned like 15 years ago that I'm claustrophobic.
15 年前我就知道自己有幽闭恐惧症。
I was in a-- what are they called?
我当时在一个——他们叫什么？
Elevator?
电梯？
Elevator in DC.
华盛顿特区的电梯。
And I was with somebody I was newly dating, and then the elevator stopped.
我和一个新约会的人在一起，然后电梯停了。
And I would hear about people that were claustrophobic, and I didn't understand it.
我听说有人有幽闭恐惧症，但我不明白。
I was like, what is the problem?
我当时想，有什么问题吗？
It's not like anything's happening.
好像什么都没有发生一样。
And our elevator stopped.
我们的电梯停了。
Again, newly dating, and I was like, panic!
再次，新约会，我当时想，恐慌！
And we were stuck for less than three minutes.
我们被困了不到三分钟。
Now, picture tonight, 30 minutes.
现在，今晚拍照，30 分钟。
Anyway, we're here.
无论如何，我们来了。
We're here.
我们到了。
We're here.
我们到了。
And I do appreciate you being here.
我非常感谢你来到这里。
It's a lot that you went up against to come here-- I mean, not more than me, but--
你来到这里遇到了很多困难——我是说，不比我多，但是——
Tig Notaro.
蒂格·诺塔罗。
Her new stand-up special Hello Again comes out in two weeks on Amazon.
她的新单口喜剧特辑《Hello Again》将在两周后在亚马逊上推出。
Her podcast Handsome is available wherever you get your podcasts.
无论您在哪里获得播客，都可以收听她的播客《Handsome》。
Act Three, That's My Story and I'm Absolutely Not Sticking to It.
第三幕，这就是我的故事，我绝对不会坚持下去。
So our show today is about moments when we're all catching up to some new reality that we are living inside, and we turn in this act to political realities.
所以我们今天的节目是关于我们都在追赶我们生活在其中的一些新现实的时刻，我们将这一行为转向政治现实。
One thing that is very particular to being a politician is that it is a politician's actual job to make a new reality.
作为一名政治家的一个非常特别的事情是，创造新的现实是政治家的实际工作。
So maybe that reality is a world without abortion rights.
所以也许现实是一个没有堕胎权的世界。
Maybe it's a world where rich people get taxed a lot more.
也许这是一个富人被课税更多的世界。
You see what I'm saying.
你明白我在说什么。
Maybe you remember that old famous quote from a senior Bush administration official who told a reporter, when we act, we create our own reality.
也许你还记得布什政府一位高级官员对记者说过的一句名言：当我们采取行动时，我们创造了自己的现实。
Being a politician means that you think that you're the one who can reshape the reality that the rest of us live in.
成为一名政治家意味着你认为你是能够重塑我们其他人所生活的现实的人。
And with that in mind, we have this very interesting, very local example where you see a politician trying to bend reality to suit his purposes.
考虑到这一点，我们有一个非常有趣、非常本地化的例子，你会看到一个政客试图扭曲现实以适应他的目的。
Zoe Chace explains.
佐伊·查斯解释道。
This is a story of a politician who denied the truth, and then admitted it, and then, very publicly, went back to the original denial, as if no one would notice.
这是一个政客的故事，他否认真相，然后承认真相，然后非常公开地回到最初的否认，就好像没有人会注意到一样。
It starts in November of 2018, down in Monroe, North Carolina.
它于 2018 年 11 月在北卡罗来纳州门罗开始。
You know that feeling when you think you have something in the bag, and you're on top of the world about it?
你知道当你认为自己已经掌握了一些东西并且你在世界之巅时的感觉吗？
I absolutely want to start tonight by thanking our dear Lord, who has blessed my family and has blessed this campaign and has guided--
今晚开始时，我绝对想感谢我们亲爱的主，他祝福了我的家人，祝福了这次活动，并指导了——
That's the position this guy, Mark Harris, was in a few years ago.
这就是马克·哈里斯几年前所处的位置。
This was his victory speech.
这是他的胜利演讲。
He'd just run for Congress.
他刚刚竞选国会议员。
I have the greatest family in the world, who has been our rock and has been such a foundation for all of us.
我有世界上最伟大的家庭，他们是我们的基石，也是我们所有人的基础。
This was a very tight race, though, margin of just about 900 votes.
不过，这是一场非常激烈的竞选，仅差 900 票左右。
And Harris was headed to Washington when word came in he might not have won.
当哈里斯前往华盛顿时，有消息称他可能不会获胜。
Election officials in North Carolina unanimously voted not to certify the winner of the state's 9th District congressional election.
北卡罗来纳州选举官员一致投票不认可该州第九区国会选举的获胜者。
As it currently stands, Republican Mark Harris holds a 905-vote lead over Democrat Dan McCready, but the Harris campaign is being accused of coordinating an effort to collect ballots from voters and either fill them in for Harris or throw them away if the vote was for McCready.
目前，共和党人马克·哈里斯以 905 票领先民主党人丹·麦克雷迪，但哈里斯竞选团队被指控协调从选民那里收集选票的努力，要么将选票填给哈里斯，要么将选票投给麦克雷迪的扔掉。
Well, those actions are illegal.
嗯，这些行为是非法的。
And joining me now, outside--
现在跟我一起去外面——
It wasn't long before Mark Harris, former Baptist preacher, was accused of major election fraud.
不久之后，前浸信会传教士马克·哈里斯就被指控犯有重大选举舞弊行为。
The whole scheme was revealed at a hearing in Raleigh.
整个计划在罗利的一次听证会上被揭露。
The testimony was wild, mostly about a political operative Harris had hired, McCrae Dowless.
这些证词很疯狂，主要是关于哈里斯雇佣的政治特工麦克雷·道利斯。
This guy, McCrae Dowless, there's so much I could say about him, because I did a whole podcast about this.
这个人，麦克雷·道利斯，关于他我有很多话要说，因为我做了一个关于这个的播客。
But briefly, he was described as a good old boy who ate, drank, and smoked politics.
但简而言之，他被描述为一个吃喝玩乐、吸政治的好老男孩。
You could usually find him with a cigarette outside the hardware store in his windbreaker.
你通常可以在五金店外面找到他，穿着风衣，叼着烟。
McCrae had been hired to run Mark Harris's absentee ballot campaign.
麦克雷受聘负责马克·哈里斯的缺席投票活动。
And down in Bladen County, McCrae allegedly hired people he knew to go around picking up ballots-- illegal-- filling them out-- illegal-- signing for witnesses who weren't there-- illegal.
在布拉登县，据称麦克雷雇佣了他认识的人四处收集选票——非法——填写选票——非法——为不在场的证人签名——非法。
Apparently, he paid a woman named Kelly, who he befriended at the Hardee's drive-thru.
显然，他付钱给了一位名叫凯利的女士，他在哈迪汽车餐厅里与她成为了朋友。
He hired his in-law, Jessica.
他雇用了他的姻亲杰西卡。
His stepdaughter, Lisa, she testified at the hearing.
他的继女丽莎在听证会上作证。
So you were filling in the ovals and voting for other people, right?
所以你是在填写椭圆形并投票给其他人，对吗？
Yes, sir.
是的，先生。
Interrogator You were voting other people's ballots.
审讯员 你正在给其他人投票。
Yes, sir.
是的，先生。
Interrogator All right.
询问者 好吧。
I assume you knew that it was not legal to vote other people's ballots.
我想您知道投票他人的选票是不合法的。
Right.
正确的。
We were doing what we were paid to do.
我们正在做我们被付钱去做的事情。
I understand you, but you were paid to do something that you knew was wrong.
我理解你，但你被付钱是为了做一些你明知是错误的事情。
Yes, sir.
是的，先生。
Zoe Chace The question on all this, of course, was, did the candidate, Mark Harris, know McCrae was directing all this fraudulent voting activity?
当然，关于这一切的问题是，候选人马克·哈里斯是否知道麦克雷正在指挥所有这些欺诈性投票活动？
Had Harris signed off on it?
哈里斯签署了吗？
When Mark Harris finally took the stand, he was like, nope, not me.
当马克·哈里斯最终出庭时，他说，不，不是我。
No idea any of this was going on, and I had no reason to doubt McCrae or what he was doing at the time.
不知道发生了什么事，我没有理由怀疑麦克雷或他当时在做什么。
The big moment in the hearing came on day three, when a surprise blockbuster witness upended the Harris team's narrative of things.
听证会的重要时刻发生在第三天，一位令人惊讶的重磅证人颠覆了哈里斯团队对事情的叙述。
That witness?
那个证人？
His son.
他的儿子。
John Harris is a lawyer, at the time, an assistant US district attorney, respected, known lawyer in Raleigh.
约翰·哈里斯 (John Harris) 是一名律师，当时是美国助理地方检察官，是罗利受人尊敬的知名律师。
And John got up there, all fresh-faced at 29 years old, and was like, Dad, you knew.
约翰站起来，29 岁，面容焕然一新，他说，爸爸，你知道。
You knew McCrae was a fraudster, allegedly, and you knew because I told you.
据称，你知道麦克雷是个骗子，你也知道，因为我告诉过你了。
We talked about it.
我们讨论过。
I sent you emails, emails which are now in possession of the court, showing you he'd likely cheated in elections before using absentee ballots.
我给你发了电子邮件，这些电子邮件现在已由法院掌握，表明他可能在使用缺席选票之前在选举中作弊。
I warned you he was probably cheating now, and you ignored me.
我警告过你他现在可能在作弊，但你却忽略了我。
He recounted those emails and calls to his parents on the stand.
他在证人席上向父母讲述了这些电子邮件和电话。
They believed McCrae when he said ballot collection doesn't take place.
当麦克雷说不收集选票时，他们相信了他。
That's what he told them.
这就是他告诉他们的。
I said, I don't believe McCrae because I've looked at the data, and the numbers don't add up.
我说，我不相信麦克雷，因为我看过数据，这些数字不相符。
And I said, in the phone call, collecting a ballot is a felony, and I'll send you the statute.
我在电话里说，收集选票是重罪，我会把法令发给你。
At the very end of his testimony, which the entire room seems to find extremely convincing, John Harris asked to make a statement.
在整个房间似乎都认为极其有说服力的证词最后，约翰·哈里斯要求发表声明。
His voice cracks.
他的声音沙哑。
I love my dad.
我爱我的爸爸。
I love my mom.
我爱我的妈妈。
OK?
好的？
I certainly have no vendetta against them.
我当然对他们没有仇视。
I think that they made mistakes in this process.
我认为他们在这个过程中犯了错误。
John's crying.
约翰在哭。
And then pan the camera to his dad, the candidate, Mark Harris.
然后将镜头转向他的父亲、候选人马克·哈里斯。
There's this famous picture of this moment.
这一刻有这张著名的照片。
Mark Harris is crying, watching his son testify.
马克·哈里斯看着儿子作证，哭了。
You could see this as a moment where the reality of the situation finally caught up to Mark Harris, both Harris faces crumpling up with tears.
你可以把这看作马克·哈里斯终于面对现实的时刻，哈里斯的两张脸都因泪水而皱了起来。
Was Mark Harris mad?
马克·哈里斯生气了吗？
Ashamed?
羞愧？
Moved?
搬家了？
He squirmed through hours of testimony the next day.
第二天，他艰难地完成了几个小时的证词。
And after a break, he walked into the hearing room tight-lipped and miserable.
稍事休息后，他守口如瓶，表情痛苦地走进听证室。
He looked down and read a statement off a piece of paper, admitting, yeah, some very bad things were done by his own campaign.
他低下头，读了一张纸上的声明，承认，是的，他自己的竞选团队做了一些非常糟糕的事情。
Neither I nor any of the leadership of my campaign were aware of or condoned the improper activities that had been testified to in this hearing.
我和我的竞选团队的任何领导层都没有意识到或纵容本次听证会上证实的不当活动。
Through the testimony I've listened to over the past three days, I believe a new election should be called.
通过过去三天我听到的证词，我认为应该举行新的选举。
It's become clear to me that the public's confidence in the 9th District seat general election has been undermined to an extent that a new election is warranted.
我很清楚，公众对第九区议席换届选举的信心已经受到削弱，以至于需要重新选举。
Mr. Chairman, that concludes my statement.
主席先生，我的发言到此结束。
Another moment of catching up to reality, I think-- Mark Harris essentially admitting, after everything we've heard, I agree with you guys.
我认为，又是一个追赶现实的时刻——马克·哈里斯基本上承认，在我们听到的一切之后，我同意你们的观点。
It was improper.
这是不恰当的。
Whether I should have known or not, my side screwed up so bad that, yeah, let's do it over.
不管我是否应该知道，我这边搞砸了，所以，是的，让我们重来一次。
After that, Mark Harris leaves immediately.
之后，马克·哈里斯立即离开。
And the hearing is pretty much over.
听证会已经基本结束了。
The elections board unanimously votes to run a new election, and Harris doesn't run.
选举委员会一致投票决定举行新的选举，但哈里斯没有参加竞选。
Kind of a big deal.
有点大不了。
It was the first and only federal election to be overturned due to election fraud in 90 years.
这是 90 年来第一次也是唯一一次因选举舞弊而被推翻的联邦选举。
Anyway, that's where this tale of Mark Harris's short run for Congress lived in my mind-- a politician who had to admit the truth, sort of.
不管怎样，这就是马克·哈里斯短暂竞选国会的故事在我脑海中浮现的地方——一位不得不承认真相的政客。
So, imagine my surprise.
所以，想象一下我的惊讶吧。
Imagine how shocked, shocked, I was to see Mark Harris announce a run for Congress last year--
想象一下，去年我看到马克·哈里斯宣布竞选国会议员是多么震惊——
In 2020, Democrats stole the election from President Trump.
2020年，民主党从特朗普总统手中夺走了选举权。
The year before, they did it to me.
前一年，他们对我这么做了。
Well, in 2024, President Trump is making a comeback, and so am I.
那么，2024 年，特朗普总统将卷土重来，我也将卷土重来。
--with a completely different version of what had happened in the 2018 election, a new version that matches exactly what former President Trump says about his election.
——2018 年大选中发生的事情有一个完全不同的版本，这个新版本与前总统特朗普对其选举的评价完全一致。
Just like the DOJ has come after Trump, the weaponized Democrat-controlled State Board of Elections came after me.
就像司法部追随特朗普一样，武器化的民主党控制的州选举委员会也追随我。
They made up accusations, spread lies, and used the attention to make themselves famous.
他们编造指控、散布谎言，并利用关注度让自己出名。
It didn't take long for the media machine to get in line with their attacks.
没过多久，媒体机器就开始配合他们的攻击。
And the onslaught raged.
攻击更加猛烈。
In the end, they succeeded.
最终，他们成功了。
They stole the election and drug me through the mud.
他们窃取了选举权，并给我下了毒药。
First of all, where do I start?
首先，我从哪里开始？
Dr. Mark Harris, you were the one who called for a new election back then.
马克·哈里斯博士，您是当时呼吁重新选举的人。
Remember?
记住？
I understand that running a campaign based on being persecuted is very en vogue right now, but this is a very extreme example of it-- Harris claiming he was persecuted for something that he himself was accused of, election fraud, allegedly engineered by the campaign guy he hired.
我知道现在很流行以受迫害为基础进行竞选活动，但这是一个非常极端的例子——哈里斯声称他因自己被指控的选举舞弊而受到迫害，据称是由他雇用的竞选人员策划的。
But Mark Harris is reading the room correctly.
但马克·哈里斯对房间的解读是正确的。
This is the new reality we all live in.
这是我们所有人生活的新现实。
Saying you had an election stolen from you-- people like that, even, and maybe especially even, if it isn't actually true.
甚至有人说你的选举被偷走了——甚至可能特别甚至，如果这实际上不是真的。
I reached out to Harris and his son to discuss this new take on things.
我联系了哈里斯和他的儿子，讨论了这一新的观点。
Neither one would talk to me.
没人跟我说话。
This wonderful TV reporter in North Carolina, though, Joe Bruno, asked Harris about this a few weeks ago.
然而，北卡罗来纳州一位出色的电视记者乔·布鲁诺几周前向哈里斯询问了此事。
People testified under oath.
人们宣誓作证。
11 people were criminally charged.
11人被刑事指控。
Six pleaded guilty.
六人认罪。
Four still have pending charges.
其中四人仍有悬而未决的指控。
And you yourself said that public confidence was undermined in the election on the stand.
你自己也说过，公众对选举的信心在看台上受到了损害。
So how can you call it a manufactured scandal?
那么你怎么能称其为人为制造的丑闻呢？
Well, I think when you really look at the facts that ended up coming out later, there were things not shared.
嗯，我认为当你真正审视后来最终公布的事实时，有些事情没有被分享。
It's almost like there was information that was not shared in the hearing.
就好像听证会上没有分享一些信息一样。
That's its own move right there.
这是它自己的举动。
The "everything hasn't come out" move, the "once it does, I will be vindicated" move.
“一切都还没有出来”的举动，“一旦发生，我就会平反”的举动。
Do you accept that your race in 2018 was tainted to the point where a new election was necessary?
您是否承认您 2018 年的竞选已被玷污到需要重新选举的地步？
No. I don't think there should have been a new election based on all of what happened.
不。根据所发生的一切，我认为不应该举行新的选举。
I'll say again, he's the one who called for that new election back then.
我再说一遍，他是当时呼吁重新选举的人。
There's reality, and then there's political reality.
有现实，还有政治现实。
The two of them are so far apart right now.
两人现在的距离实在是太遥远了。
Post-2020, Republican politicians are pretty much required to agree that the election was stolen from Donald Trump.
2020年后，共和党政客几乎必须承认选举是从唐纳德·特朗普那里窃取的。
I think that's just the table stakes.
我认为这只是赌注。
Mark Harris and a bunch of other candidates are taking it one step further and saying it happened to me, too.
马克·哈里斯和其他一些候选人更进一步，说这也发生在我身上。
I have personally felt the pain of a stolen election.
我亲身感受到选举被盗的痛苦。
And it works.
它有效。
Last week, on Super Tuesday, Mark Harris won the primary.
上周的超级星期二，马克·哈里斯赢得了初选。
In this district, that means he finally gets to go to Congress.
在这个选区，这意味着他终于可以进入国会了。
Welcome to Washington, Dr. Harris.
欢迎来到华盛顿，哈里斯博士。
Zoe Chace is one of the producers of our program.
佐伊·查斯是我们节目的制作人之一。
Her podcast where she tells the whole story about how election fraud accusations tore apart Bladen County.
在她的播客中，她讲述了选举舞弊指控如何撕裂布莱登县的整个故事。
If you have not heard this, it's called The Improvement Association.
如果您还没有听说过，它的名字叫“改进协会”。
It's from Serial Productions and the New York Times.
它来自 Serial Productions 和纽约时报。
Act Four, What'd I Miss?
第四幕，我错过了什么？
So we close our show today with this story from Tobin Low about a very special group of people who have to catch up to new realities all the time.
因此，我们今天以托宾·洛 (Tobin Low) 的故事来结束我们今天的节目，故事讲述了一群非常特殊的人必须一直追赶新现实的故事。
They have no choice.
他们别无选择。
It's part of their lives.
这是他们生活的一部分。
Here's Tobin.
这是托宾。
This specific morning was unremarkable.
这个特定的早晨并没有什么特别之处。
Joe Dombrowski, a public school teacher at the time, was getting ready for work.
当时的公立学校教师乔·多布罗夫斯基 (Joe Dombrowski) 正准备上班。
He'd been out for a while, so he wanted to get to school a little early to get back in the swing of things.
他已经出去了一段时间了，所以他想早点到学校，以便恢复正常的生活。
He ate a quick breakfast, dashed out the door.
他匆匆吃了一顿早饭，就冲出了门。
Everything's pretty normal as I'm getting there.
当我到达那里时一切都很正常。
I'm driving through the suburbs.
我开车穿过郊区。
Everything's looking great.
一切看起来都很棒。
And I really noticed at the moment I got on the highway, there was absolutely no line to merge onto the highway at all.
当我上高速公路的那一刻，我真的注意到，根本没有任何线路可以并入高速公路。
And is there usually a line to merge on the highway?
高速公路上通常有并道线吗？
Detroit is the city of cars, right?
底特律是汽车之城，对吗？
So we're no stranger to traffic.
所以说，我们对于交通并不陌生。
But as I was driving and realizing just how few cars were on the road, I started thinking, when did this area of town become this ghost town?
但当我开车时，意识到路上的汽车很少，我开始思考，这个地区什么时候变成了这座鬼城？
He arrives at school, walks down a small flight of stairs to the front desk, where the school secretary and the principal are hanging out.
他到达学校，走下一小段楼梯来到前台，学校秘书和校长正在那里闲逛。
And when I turned the corner, when they both looked at me, I could see a sense of panic in their eyes.
当我转过拐角的时候，当他们都看着我时，我能从他们的眼中看到一种惊慌的感觉。
And at first, I was like, they're surprised to see me.
起初，我想，他们看到我很惊讶。
But then it sort of switched.
但后来情况发生了转变。
I could see legitimate concern in their faces.
我可以从他们脸上看到合理的担忧。
The secretary stood up, turned around the corner to speak to me.
秘书站起来，转过街角对我说话。
They're like both immediately wanted to know, how did you get here?
他们似乎都立刻想知道，你是怎么来到这里的？
How did you get here?
你是怎么到这里来的？
What roads did you take?
你走了哪些路？
Tell us.
告诉我们。
And I was like, I did this, this, and this.
我当时想，我做了这个，这个，还有这个。
And they were just like, oh, my God.
他们就像，哦，天哪。
There's a sniper on this road.
这条路上有狙击手。
You could have been killed.
你可能已经被杀了。
Apparently, a man with a gun had been randomly firing at people along I-96 that week, the very highway Joe had just taken to work.
显然，那周，一名持枪男子在 96 号州际公路（乔刚刚上班的那条高速公路）沿线随机向行人开枪。
The man would end up shooting at 23 drivers.
该男子最终向 23 名司机开枪。
After speaking with them, this was a thing that quickly became known to me that everybody was well aware of in the area.
与他们交谈后，我很快就知道了这一点，该地区的每个人都知道这一点。
It was kind of like, I had been sleeping for a couple of weeks and missed everything.
有点像，我已经睡了几个星期了，错过了一切。
And now I'm just getting caught up to speed.
现在我才刚刚跟上进度。
It wasn't even kind of like that.
根本不是那样的。
That's literally what happened.
这就是实际发生的事情。
He had been asleep for the past three weeks and missed everything.
过去三个星期他一直在睡觉，错过了一切。
And I don't mean napping or catching up on rest.
我的意思并不是小睡或补足休息。
Joe has a rare neurological disorder called Kleine-Levin Syndrome, or KLS.
乔患有一种罕见的神经系统疾病，称为克莱恩-莱文综合症 (Kleine-Levin Syndrome, KLS)。
It affects about 1 in a million people.
它影响大约百万分之一的人。
And its defining feature is that those who have it experience episodes of extreme exhaustion, entering a deep sleep for days, weeks, or even months at a time.
它的显着特征是，患有这种疾病的人会经历极度疲惫的情况，一次进入深度睡眠数天、数周甚至数月。
Now and then, they wake up.
他们时不时地醒来。
But when they do, they're in a fog, usually with only enough energy to eat a little, use the bathroom, and then back to bed.
但当他们这样做时，他们却陷入了迷茫，通常只有足够的能量吃一点东西，上厕所，然后回到床上。
There's no known cause for KLS and also no known cure.
KLS 的病因尚不清楚，也没有已知的治疗方法。
When Joe first started showing symptoms as a teenager, it was completely debilitating.
当乔十几岁的时候第一次出现症状时，他感到非常虚弱。
He'd go to school, feeling like he'd just pulled all-nighters for three weeks in a row.
他去上学时，感觉自己就像连续三周通宵达旦一样。
There's nothing keeping you awake.
没有什么能让你保持清醒。
You feel it and you're done.
你感觉到了，你就完成了。
I remember I would walk from class to class, and the minute I would hit my seat, I would sleep.
我记得我会从一个教室走到另一个教室，一坐到座位上，我就会睡觉。
Done, head on the table, sleeping.
完了，头趴在桌子上睡觉了。
Teachers yelling at me, trying to get me to wake back up, pulling me out of class, giving me detention for sleeping in class, calling, telling my parents he's sleeping.
老师们对我大喊大叫，试图让我醒来，把我从课堂上拉出来，因为我在课堂上睡觉而留校察看，打电话告诉我的父母他正在睡觉。
All he does is sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep.
他所做的就是睡觉，睡觉，睡觉，睡觉，睡觉。
When he finally got a diagnosis, he learned that the only way out of an episode was to give in to it, which is what people with KLS have to do.
当他最终得到诊断结果时，他了解到摆脱困境的唯一方法就是屈服，这是患有 KLS 的人必须做的。
They just have to sleep for however long it takes to get past it.
他们只需要睡多久就能克服它。
So people with KLS frequently find themselves emerging into a very different reality than the one they left.
因此，患有 KLS 的人经常发现自己进入了一个与他们离开时截然不同的现实。
I talked to someone who missed the onset of COVID completely, woke up to a shutdown world.
我和一个完全错过了新冠疫情爆发的人交谈过，一觉醒来发现世界已经关闭了。
I talked to another guy who missed the events of 9/11 and a woman in Ecuador who recently woke up to find out war had broken out in her country.
我与另一个错过了 9/11 事件的人以及厄瓜多尔的一名妇女进行了交谈，她最近醒来发现她的国家爆发了战争。
But the person I talked to who experienced the longest episodes by far was Arielle Poleg.
但与我交谈过的迄今为止经历时间最长的人是 Arielle Poleg。
I had a nine-month episode and a 15-month episode.
我有一次为期九个月的发作和一次为期15个月的发作。
15 months, wow.
15个月了，哇。
Arielle Poleg Yeah.
阿莉尔·波莱格 是的。
So, when I was 25 and 26, I was sick for over a year.
所以，当我25岁和26岁的时候，我病了一年多。
During that year, Arielle had to put off her plans to go to grad school and instead, move into her childhood bedroom at her parents' house in Boston.
那一年，阿莉尔不得不推迟读研究生的计划，搬进波士顿父母家里的童年卧室。
I didn't go downstairs in my parents' home for that entire 15 months.
整整15个月我都没有下过父母家的楼。
I did go to the bathroom on the upstairs floor.
我确实去了楼上的浴室。
My bedroom's upstairs.
我的卧室在楼上。
But I didn't go downstairs the whole time.
但我自始至终都没有下楼。
I did not see anybody or speak to anybody.
我没有看到任何人，也没有和任何人说话。
It was 2005.
那是2005年。
I pulled up some of the biggest headlines from that year, just to get a sense of how much you could miss in that amount of time.
我找出了那一年的一些最大的头条新闻，只是为了了解一下在这段时间内你可能会错过多少。
She slept through the death of Pope John Paul II, Hurricane Katrina.
她在卡特里娜飓风中度过了教皇约翰·保罗二世的去世。
She remembers seeing some headlines about it in magazines her mom left for her, but not much more than that.
她记得在她妈妈留给她的杂志上看到过一些关于这件事的头条新闻，但仅此而已。
Star Wars, Episode III, Revenge of the Sith was the top grossing movie of that year.
《星球大战》、《第三集》、《西斯的复仇》是当年票房最高的电影。
No, but that would not have meant anything to me anyway.
不，但这对我来说没有任何意义。
I guess 2005 was also the year Tom Cruise jumped on Oprah's couch.
我想 2005 年也是汤姆·克鲁斯跳上奥普拉沙发的一年。
I remember reading about that after.
我记得后来读到过这件事。
I was not at all aware or present when that happened.
当那件事发生时我根本不知道或不在场。
During those 15 months, all she knew was that she'd sleep almost all day and night, wake up for some amount of time, and then go back to sleep.
在那15个月里，她只知道自己几乎没日没夜地睡觉，醒来一段时间，然后再回去睡觉。
And even during those waking hours, she'd be in a haze.
即使在醒着的时候，她也会陷入迷雾之中。
She wouldn't talk.
她不肯说话。
The people I talked to described waking up during an episode as extremely confusing and disorienting, like they couldn't tell what was real or what they were hallucinating.
与我交谈过的人描述，在一次发作中醒来时感到非常困惑和迷失方向，就像他们无法分辨什么是真实的，什么是他们的幻觉。
During the episode, I was somewhat aware of the passage of time, but also somewhat not.
在这段情节中，我有些意识到时间的流逝，但又有些不知道。
The challenge was really the longevity.
真正的挑战是寿命。
This is so long, as she had gone through all these different-- this long period of time.
这么长的时间，她已经经历了这一切不同的——这么长的一段时间。
And we would try to give her a sense of the seasons changing.
我们会尽力让她感受到季节的变化。
This is Arielle's dad, Neal.
这是阿莉尔的父亲尼尔。
Arielle had gone into her episode in July.
阿莉尔（Arielle）在七月份就开始了她的生活。
So, at one point, it was snowing outside.
于是，有一次，外面下雪了。
So I went outside and just took a cup of-- a paper cup and brought some snow inside.
所以我走到外面，拿了一个纸杯，里面放了一些雪。
And I just remember she looked at it.
我只记得她看过它。
She felt it, and there was a sense of, oh, my God, this is snow.
她感觉到了，有一种感觉，哦，天哪，这是雪。
I remember just looking at him and tears leaking.
我记得我只是看着他，眼泪就流下来了。
I didn't say anything.
我什么也没说。
I couldn't say anything.
我什么也说不出来。
But I felt very sad to see the snow.
但看到雪，我感到非常难过。
Yeah, it was incredulous that she had been in bed all that time.
是的，令人难以置信的是她一直躺在床上。
And there's a disbelief that all this is happening, because the last thing she had remembered, it was nice weather.
人们难以置信这一切正在发生，因为她记得的最后一件事是天气很好。
Arielle says even though she missed a whole year of her life, that's not the episode that sticks out to her.
阿莉尔说，尽管她错过了整整一年的生活，但这并不是让她印象深刻的插曲。
The one that really hurt happened when she was a teenager.
真正让她痛苦的事情发生在她十几岁的时候。
She was in a deep sleep for a couple of weeks, but occasionally, when she would get up to use the restroom, she'd see her dad in the hallway.
她沉睡了几周，但偶尔，当她起身去洗手间时，她会在走廊里看到父亲。
So my father wasn't shaving.
所以我父亲没有刮胡子。
And I saw him, and I saw that he was growing a beard.
我看到了他，我看到他留起了胡子。
That was confusing, layered on to the confusion of having KLS, and then, all of a sudden, my dad looked different.
这很令人困惑，再加上 KLS 带来的困惑，然后，突然间，我父亲看起来不一样了。
And I wasn't quite sure why.
我不太确定为什么。
When she did finally come out of it, she found out her grandfather had gotten sick and died.
当她终于摆脱困境时，她发现祖父病了。
That's why her dad hadn't shaved.
这就是她爸爸不刮胡子的原因。
He was observing a Jewish tradition when you're in mourning.
当你哀悼时，他正在遵守犹太传统。
She looked at pictures of the rest of her family, who had been able to travel to see her grandfather to say their last words to him.
她看着其他家人的照片，他们都曾前往探望她的祖父，向他说最后一句话。
That was the first time something like that happened, like something that I couldn't get back.
那是第一次发生这样的事情，就像是我无法挽回的事情。
I always was a good student and able to make up work at school and able to make up things that I had missed, but you can't get back the opportunity to say goodbye to someone.
我一直是一个好学生，能够补上学校的作业，能够补上我错过的事情，但你无法找回与某人告别的机会。
So that was different.
所以那是不同的。
It makes me think about my grandmother who passed away several years ago.
这让我想起了几年前去世的祖母。
She had a stroke and her passing was this really long process.
她中风了，她的去世是一个非常漫长的过程。
It just took a very long time.
只是花了很长时间。
And I remember, at times, feeling like I wish I could skip this part.
我记得，有时，我希望我可以跳过这一部分。
Like, I wish I could zoom forward to what's eventually going to happen.
就像，我希望我能够展望最终将要发生的事情。
In my case, my experience of being robbed of those chances to be present made me prefer to be present, to adjust to a changing reality, right?
就我而言，我被剥夺了在场机会的经历让我更愿意在场，以适应不断变化的现实，对吗？
To process the information in real-time as it was happening.
实时处理正在发生的信息。
I think as somebody who missed a lot of moments, I would always prefer to experience a moment, even if it's painful.
我想，作为一个错过了很多时刻的人，我总是更愿意体验某个时刻，即使它很痛苦。
I see that.
我明白了。
Before talking to Arielle, I don't know that I would have said I'm glad I was there for the most difficult parts of my grandmother's decline, but now I get it.
在和阿莉尔交谈之前，我不知道我是否会说我很高兴能在祖母衰弱的最困难时期陪伴她，但现在我明白了。
It's way worse to have a new reality hit you all at once.
一个新的现实同时降临到你们身上，情况会更糟。
Better to be there.
最好在场。
Lucky, even.
甚至幸运。
Tobin Low is an editor here at our program.
托宾·洛 (Tobin Low) 是我们节目的编辑。
If you think you might have the often misdiagnosed Kleine-Levin Syndrome, you can get more information from the KLS Foundation at klsfoundation.org.
如果您认为自己可能患有经常被误诊的克莱恩-莱文综合症，您可以从 KLS 基金会的 klsfoundation.org 获取更多信息。
Well, our program was produced today by Diane Wu and Bethel Habte.
嗯，我们今天的节目是由 Diane Wu 和 Bethel Habte 制作的。
The people who put our show together include Phia Bennin, Jendayi Bonds, Sean Cole, Michael Comite, Chana Joffe-Walt, Katherine Rae Mondo, Nadia Reiman, Safiyah Riddle, Ryan Rumery, Laura Starecheski, Lilly Sullivan, Frances Swanson, Christopher Swetala, Marisa Robertson-Textor, Matt Tierney, and Julie Whitaker.
制作我们节目的人员包括 Phia Bennin、Jendayi Bonds、Sean Cole、Michael Comite、Chana Joffe-Walt、Katherine Rae Mondo、Nadia Reiman、Safiyah Riddle、Ryan Rumery、Laura Starecheski、Lilly Sullivan、Frances Swanson、Christopher Swetala、Marisa Robertson-Textor、Matt Tierney 和 Julie Whitaker。
Our managing editor is Sarah Abdurrahman.
我们的总编辑是萨拉·阿卜杜拉赫曼 (Sarah Abdurrahman)。
Our senior editor is David Kestenbaum.
我们的高级编辑是大卫·凯斯滕鲍姆。
Our executive editor is Emanuele Berry.
我们的执行编辑是 Emanuele Berry。
Special thanks today to Isaac Arnsdorf, Josh Lawson, Ben Phelan, Julie Snyder, Neil Drumming, Daniela Villarreal, Emmanuel Mignot, Varda Poleg, Kelsey Padgett, and Catherine Scott.
今天特别感谢 Isaac Arnsdorf、Josh Lawson、Ben Phelan、Julie Snyder、Neil Drumming、Daniela Villarreal、Emmanuel Mignot、Varda Poleg、Kelsey Padgett 和 Catherine Scott。
Thanks also today to Alex Steffen.
今天还要感谢亚历克斯·史蒂芬。
The quote from him that we named this week's show after was in a story by Elizabeth Weil for The New York Times Magazine called "This Isn't the California I Married." Jackson Landers, the guy who got bit by the black spider, also wrote about his experience for The New York Times.
我们本周的节目以他的名言命名，摘自伊丽莎白·韦尔为《纽约时报》杂志撰写的一篇名为“这不是我结婚的加州”的文章。被黑蜘蛛咬伤的杰克逊·兰德斯（Jackson Landers）也为《纽约时报》写下了他的经历。
His book about hunting invasive species is called Eating Aliens.
他关于狩猎入侵物种的书名为“吃外星人”。
Our website, thisamericanlife.org.
我们的网站 thisamericanlife.org。
You can listen to over 800 episodes of our show for absolutely free.
您可以完全免费收听我们的 800 多集节目。
This American Life is delivered to public radio stations by PRX, the Public Radio Exchange.
《美国生活》由公共广播电台 PRX 向公共广播电台播出。
Thanks, as always, to our program's confounder, Mr. Torey Malatia.
一如既往地感谢我们计划的混杂者 Torey Malatia 先生。
They tried to make him go to rehab, and he said--
他们试图让他去康复中心，他说——
No, no, no. Ira Glass I'm Ira Glass, back next week with more stories of This American Life.
不，不，不。艾拉·格拉斯（Ira Glass） 我是艾拉·格拉斯（Ira Glass），下周回来，带来更多《美国生活》的故事。
This American Life is produced in collaboration with WBEZ Chicago and delivered to stations by PRX The Public Radio Exchange.
《This American Life》与 WBEZ Chicago 合作制作，并由 PRX 公共广播电台传送到各电台。