804: The Retrievals - This American Life
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00:00 00:00 Transcript Share This American Life Life Partners How to Listen Episodes Recommended About Overview Staff Announcements Fellowships Jobs Music Make Radio On The Road FAQ Submissions Merch Contact Us Our Other Shows Merch Follow Us Life Partners Subscribe to our newsletter Full episode Toggle Audio and Transcript Sync Transcript | Episode #804 | June 30, 2023 804: The Retrievals Note: This American Life is produced for the ear and designed to be heard.
00:00 00:00 文字记录 分享此 美国生活 生活伙伴 如何收听 剧集 推荐 关于 概述 员工公告 奖学金 工作 音乐 在路上制作电台 常见问题解答 提交 商品 联系我们 我们的其他节目 商品 关注我们 生活伙伴 订阅我们的时事通讯 整集 切换音频和文字记录同步 文字记录 | 内容第 804 集 | 2023 年 6 月 30 日 804：检索 注：《美国生活》是为耳朵而制作的，旨在让人们听到。
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如果可以的话，我们强烈建议您收听音频，其中包括页面上没有的情感和重点。
Transcripts are generated using a combination of speech recognition software and human transcribers, and may contain errors.
文字记录是使用语音识别软件和人工转录员结合生成的，可能包含错误。
Please check the corresponding audio before quoting in print.
请在印刷版引用前检查相应的音频。
Prologue: Prologue Ira Glass And so she headed off to make it as its very own podcast, its own show, with her co-workers at Serial Productions and the New York Times.
序言：序言 Ira Glass 因此，她开始与 Serial Productions 和《纽约时报》的同事一起将其制作为自己的播客、自己的节目。
And the show is now finished.
现在演出已经结束了。
It just launched this week.
它本周刚刚推出。
I'm thrilled that we can present the first episode of their show here on our show, and that is what we're going to do today.
我很高兴我们能够在我们的节目中展示他们节目的第一集，这就是我们今天要做的。
It's great, and without further delay, let's just get into it.
太棒了，事不宜迟，让我们开始吧。
Here's Susan.
这是苏珊。
The women are seeking fertility treatment for a variety of reasons.
这些妇女出于各种原因寻求生育治疗。
They've had a couple of miscarriages, and they're pushing 40.
他们已经流产过几次了，现在已经 40 岁了。
They don't have fallopian tubes, or they need sperm.
他们没有输卵管，或者需要精子。
One woman has a diagnosis that's like a metaphor from feminist sci-fi, a uterus with a single horn like a unicorn.
一名女性的诊断就像女权主义科幻小说中的隐喻，子宫长有一个像独角兽一样的角。
All of them line up at the fertility clinic at Yale University.
他们都在耶鲁大学的生育诊所排队。
A couple of the women choose this clinic because they work at Yale, and that's what the Yale health plan covers.
几位女性选择这家诊所是因为她们在耶鲁大学工作，而这正是耶鲁大学健康计划的承保范围。
Others go to Yale on the recommendation of their doctors.
其他人则根据医生的推荐前往耶鲁大学。
But in Connecticut, you don't even really need the recommendation.
但在康涅狄格州，你甚至不需要推荐。
Yale Medicine-- it's a blue chip medical brand.
耶鲁医学——蓝筹医疗品牌。
You know, Yale is just a huge name, and you just think anything that has anything to do with Yale is going to be the best of the best.
你知道，耶鲁只是一个大名字，你认为任何与耶鲁有关的东西都将是最好的。
It's really not close to our house.
确实离我们家不近。
It's not where I would have gone.
这不是我想去的地方。
But we figured, another doctor from another hospital said this is the best you can get.
但我们认为，另一家医院的另一位医生说这是你能得到的最好的。
And of course, you want that.
当然，你想要那样。
To some of the women, the clinic seems to live up to its billing.
对于一些女性来说，诊所似乎没有辜负其账单。
They like their doctors, feel cared for by them.
他们喜欢他们的医生，感到受到他们的照顾。
That man is an angel, one of the women tells me.
那个男人是天使，其中一位女士告诉我。
He is by far the best doctor I've ever had.
他是迄今为止我见过的最好的医生。
Others are not happy at the clinic from the start.
其他人从一开始就对诊所不满意。
It's things like feeling like a number or issues with communication.
比如感觉自己像个数字，或者沟通出现问题。
There's a lot to communicate.
有很多东西需要沟通。
You don't know how hard fertility treatment is until you get into it.
直到你亲身参与，你才知道生育治疗有多难。
And once you start it in one place, it can be difficult to go somewhere else.
一旦你从一个地方开始，就很难去其他地方。
So they talk themselves into staying.
所以他们说服自己留下来。
That's the first thing they go against their instincts and talk themselves into.
这是他们违背本能并说服自己做的第一件事。
The women drive to the clinic before work in the morning for blood draws and then wait for the afternoon email from their nurse team.
妇女们早上上班前开车去诊所抽血，然后等待护士团队下午发来的电子邮件。
You really have to trust your nurse team, one of the women tells me.
一位女士告诉我，你真的必须相信你的护士团队。
At this point, she did.
这一刻，她做到了。
The nurse team gives instructions, and the women give themselves shots.
护士团队给出指示，妇女们自行注射。
These shots contain hormones to stimulate the body to produce eggs.
这些注射液含有刺激身体产生卵子的激素。
A side effect is emotional volatility.
副作用是情绪波动。
The wind is making me cry, one of the women says.
一位女士说，风让我哭泣。
But the thing is, you have to stay calm.
但问题是，你必须保持冷静。
Don't get stressed.
不要有压力。
It's so stressful trying not to get stressed.
努力不让自己感到压力真是太有压力了。
One woman uses a fertility meditation app called Expectful.
一名女性使用一款名为 Expectful 的生育冥想应用程序。
She does her guided meditation on the beach.
她在海滩上进行引导冥想。
The app plays the sound of waves while the real waves heave in the background.
该应用程序会播放海浪的声音，而真实的海浪则在背景中起伏。
It's absurd, but so much of this is absurd, including the money.
这很荒谬，但很多事情都是荒谬的，包括金钱。
There's all kinds of stuff that's not covered, no matter what insurance you have.
无论您有什么保险，都有各种各样的东西不受承保。
Meanwhile, your ovaries enlarge, and you get so bloated that your abdomen feels like bricks.
与此同时，你的卵巢会变大，你会变得臃肿，腹部感觉像砖块一样。
And then finally, you get to the day you've been waiting for-- the day of the first egg retrieval, which is what it sounds like.
最后，您终于等到了您一直在等待的那一天——第一次取卵的那一天，这就是听起来的样子。
The eggs are removed from the body and then fertilized or frozen, depending on what you're doing.
将卵子从体内取出，然后受精或冷冻，具体取决于您正在做什么。
How many eggs am I going to get?
我要得到多少个鸡蛋？
That is the big question.
这是一个大问题。
The more eggs you get, the better your chance of a healthy embryo, a viable pregnancy, a child.
您获得的卵子越多，获得健康胚胎、成功怀孕和生育孩子的机会就越大。
The day of the retrieval, the women arrive at the clinic.
取卵当天，妇女们到达诊所。
They check in on different mornings in different months and calendar years.
他们在不同月份和历年的不同早晨登记入住。
None of them are here on the same day, but they will come out of the day with the same story.
他们没有人在同一天来到这里，但他们会带着同样的故事离开这一天。
Laura arrives for her retrieval on a weekday morning in January 2020.
2020 年 1 月的一个工作日早上，劳拉 (Laura) 前来接院。
She checks in and changes into a gown.
她登记入住并换上礼服。
Two months ago, Laura was diagnosed with breast cancer.
两个月前，劳拉被诊断出患有乳腺癌。
A double mastectomy followed, then an infection and additional surgeries.
随后进行了双乳切除术，然后是感染和额外的手术。
As soon as she freezes her eggs, she's going to start cancer treatment.
一旦她冷冻了卵子，她就将开始癌症治疗。
It's a lot.
很多。
Laura is trying to put all of that to the side and just focus on the procedure ahead.
劳拉试图把所有这些都放在一边，只专注于接下来的程序。
I was excited, like trying to stay positive.
我很兴奋，想努力保持积极的态度。
And I was just like, having been through so much just the month prior, I was like, this is going to be easy because I had been through so many surgeries and procedures.
我当时想，就在前一个月经历了这么多事情，我想，这会很容易，因为我已经经历了很多手术和程序。
I was just like, I know what this is like.
我当时想，我知道这是什么样的。
I know what it's like to be under anesthesia or something and be given medication so you don't feel things.
我知道在麻醉或其他什么情况下并接受药物治疗的感觉如何，这样你就不会感觉到任何东西。
The egg retrieval is a surgical procedure.
取卵是一种外科手术。
A long needle is inserted into the vagina, then pierced through the vaginal wall and up into the ovary.
将一根长针插入阴道，然后刺穿阴道壁并向上进入卵巢。
Laura has been told in advance what drugs she will be getting during the procedure.
劳拉已提前被告知她在手术过程中将接受哪些药物。
Two drugs, fentanyl, and another one, midazolam or -zalam.
两种药物，芬太尼，另一种药物，咪达唑仑或-zalam。
And I believe that one is to induce sleepiness.
我相信其中之一就是引起睡意。
Together, these two drugs offer what's often called moderate sedation.
这两种药物一起提供通常所说的中度镇静作用。
Basically, the fentanyl takes away pain, and the midazolam relaxes you.
基本上，芬太尼可以消除疼痛，咪达唑仑可以让你放松。
Some people get drowsy with this combination.
有些人在这种组合下会感到昏昏欲睡。
Others remain alert.
其他人保持警惕。
The use of fentanyl surprises some of the women.
芬太尼的使用令一些女性感到惊讶。
One of them, a public defender, has seen a lot of clients messed up by fentanyl, and for a second, she's worried.
其中一位是一名公设辩护律师，她看到很多客户因芬太尼而陷入困境，有一瞬间，她感到很担心。
Another woman, Katie, a neuroscientist at Yale, feels a spark of interest.
另一位女士，耶鲁大学的神经科学家凯蒂，也对此产生了兴趣。
And in fact, just being someone who studies addiction and studies some opioid use disorder, and as a curious person, I remember the morning of, thinking like, OK, this will be interesting.
事实上，作为一个研究成瘾和阿片类药物使用障碍的人，作为一个好奇的人，我记得那天早上，我想，好吧，这会很有趣。
I've never tried fentanyl before.
我以前从未尝试过芬太尼。
And so I expected to go in and have twilight anesthesia, not full anesthesia, but not feel anything.
所以我希望进去接受暮光麻醉，不是完全麻醉，但没有任何感觉。
The women complete the last steps before the procedure, get an IV, go over some papers.
妇女们完成手术前的最后步骤，进行静脉注射，检查一些文件。
If their partners came back with them, now their partners say goodbye.
如果他们的伴侣和他们一起回来，现在他们的伴侣就要告别了。
And then it's time.
然后是时候了。
The women tell what happens next.
妇女们讲述接下来发生的事情。
I walked myself into the procedure room because you get rolled out afterwards.
我自己走进手术室，因为手术后你会被推出去。
But you don't have any medication in you.
但你身上没有任何药物。
You're just kind of hooked up to the IV pole.
你只是连接到了输液架上。
And I walked into there, and you get on the chair or table, whatever they call it.
我走进那里，你坐在椅子或桌子上，不管他们怎么称呼它。
And that's from there.
那就是从那里开始的。
They said, you're not going to feel anything, and they explained everything that was going to happen.
他们说，你不会有任何感觉，他们解释了将要发生的一切。
They started the procedure, and I was just sort of taken by surprise, not expecting the excruciating pain, and just letting them know that I don't think the pain medication is doing anything.
他们开始了手术，我有点惊讶，没有预料到会出现剧烈的疼痛，只是让他们知道我认为止痛药没有任何作用。
It really feels like you're stabbing the needle.
真的感觉像针扎一样。
I felt everything.
我感受到了一切。
It's literally your most intimate parts of your body.
它实际上是您身体最私密的部分。
They're using these long needles.
他们正在使用这些长针。
And there's also a screen.
还有一个屏幕。
So I can watch what they're doing, and I couldn't.
所以我可以观察他们在做什么，但我却不能。
I had to try and look away because literally each needle pierce, you feel.
我不得不试着把目光移开，因为你能感觉到，每一根针都在刺穿。
As we were moving along, it was my blood pressure started going up.
当我们继续前行时，我的血压开始升高。
I was sweating profusely and telling them, I was just in too much pain, that they had to stop.
我满头大汗地告诉他们，我实在是太痛苦了，他们必须停下来。
At that point, I remember them giving me more of the pain medication and me saying, it's not making a difference, a nurse coming over and putting a wet towel on my head, and another nurse holding my hand, and them comforting me and saying, you're going to be OK.
那时，我记得他们给了我更多的止痛药，我说，这没有什么区别，一名护士过来，把湿毛巾放在我的头上，另一名护士握着我的手，他们安慰我说，你会没事的。
The nurse who-- she was at the top of my body, kind of at my shoulders, wiping the tears away and helping me kind of hold my breath to keep myself still, so that the doctors didn't slip with the needle, and just telling me that I was going to be OK, that I was going to get through it.
护士——她在我身体的上方，在我的肩膀上，擦去眼泪，帮助我屏住呼吸保持静止，这样医生就不会因为针头滑倒，只是告诉我我会没事的，我会度过难关。
And up until that moment, I'm so excited, like, oh I have 24 follicles.
直到那一刻，我都非常兴奋，就像，哦，我有 24 个卵泡。
This is great.
这太棒了。
I'm going to have a great egg retrieval.
我将会有一个很棒的取卵过程。
And then you're like, oh, my god, I wish there was only one.
然后你就会想，哦，天哪，我希望只有一个。
Like, everything was counting on that retrieval.
就像，一切都指望着那次检索。
And that's how it feels, like the whole weight of your world.
这就是感觉，就像你的世界的全部重量。
My partner and I, she's counting on me to be able to get through this and to have this successful retrieval.
我和我的伴侣，她指望我能够度过难关并成功恢复。
And all I'm feeling is, oh, my god, I need it to stop.
我的感觉就是，哦，天啊，我需要它停止。
Is this worth it?
这值得吗？
And your feet are in the stirrups.
你的脚在马镫里。
And you're supposed to be laying on the table, but I remember tightening up and just trying to relax my body so that they could do what they needed to do because I was so tense that my bottom was almost off of the table.
你应该躺在桌子上，但我记得我收紧了身体，试图放松我的身体，这样他们就可以做他们需要做的事情，因为我太紧张了，我的屁股几乎离开了桌子。
I remember thrusting my hips up, actually thrusting my hips up, saying, I feel everything.
我记得我抬起了臀部，实际上抬起了臀部，说，我感觉到了一切。
And nobody believed me.
没有人相信我。
And it's just like, I don't know.
就像，我不知道。
But what are you going to do?
但你要做什么？
I wanted the procedure done.
我想要完成手术。
I just let it happen.
我只是让它发生。
And I was like, I'm awake, so.
我当时想，我醒了，所以。
I was stone-cold sober and awake.
我清醒又清醒。
And I remember, the egg retrieval, they kind of do them one by one or a couple at a time, my impression.
我记得，取卵时，他们一次一个或一对地进行，我的印象是。
And so you have moments in between pain to say, like, what the fuck is going on?
所以你在痛苦之间会有一些时刻说，比如，到底发生了什么事？
I do remember, I think I swore.
我记得，我想我发过誓。
I was using curse words because it was just so painful.
我使用咒语是因为这太痛苦了。
I don't know if I can do this any longer.
我不知道我是否还能再这样做。
You just have to get through it.
你只需要克服它。
It's going to be over before you know it.
在你意识到之前一切都会结束。
OK, this is going to be over eventually.
好吧，这一切最终都会结束。
I remember yelling or kind of making like, ahh, and then really looking in confusion at my nurse, the attending nurse and her saying, I'm giving you the most I can legally give you.
我记得我大喊大叫或者做出类似“啊”的样子，然后很困惑地看着我的护士，主治护士，她说，我正在给你我可以合法给你的最多的东西。
She said that that's the maximum that she's allowed to give me so she couldn't give me anything else.
她说这是她可以给我的最大限额，所以她不能给我任何其他东西。
I'm almost certain that at one point, they said that they had given me all of the pain medication that they could give me.
我几乎可以肯定，在某一时刻，他们说他们已经给了我所有可以给我的止痛药。
At one point, they did say that I had maxed out.
有一次，他们确实说我已经用尽了。
I couldn't have any more fentanyl or Versed.
我不能再服用芬太尼或 Versed。
And I was like, how is this possible?
我当时想，这怎么可能？
How is that even-- like, how am I feeling this?
这是怎么回事——就像，我感觉如何？
I can feel that.
我能感觉到。
I could feel the-- I don't even know how to describe that.
我能感觉到——我什至不知道如何描述。
You can just feel them inside of there.
你可以感觉到它们在里面。
As a woman, we've all been through things with those kind of doctors and stuff, but this is just a pain, it's like hard to even explain what it felt like.
作为一个女人，我们都经历过那些医生之类的事情，但这只是一种痛苦，甚至很难解释那种感觉。
It's-- this is hard to do, but could you describe the pain that you felt?
这很难做到，但是你能描述一下你感受到的痛苦吗？
Oh, gosh.
哦，天哪。
It felt like someone was ripping something from the inside of your body.
感觉就像有人正在从你的身体内部撕扯一些东西。
Yeah, which is literally what they were doing.
是的，这就是他们正在做的事情。
Yeah, yeah.
是啊是啊。
Ugh, I'm sorry.
呃，对不起。
Katie But I remember almost immediately thinking or almost daydreaming in that moment that the attending nurse had one tube going from my IV into my arm and another tube going from my IV into her pocket.
凯蒂 但我记得在那一刻我几乎立即想到或几乎是白日梦，主治护士将一根管子从我的静脉注射插入我的手臂，另一根管子从我的静脉注射插入她的口袋。
Like, it occurred to me almost immediately that the nurse was stealing the fentanyl.
就像，我几乎立即想到护士正在偷芬太尼。
And I remember telling my friends after the procedure, my friends who were aware of what I was going through, but who are also colleagues at Yale in addiction research.
我记得在手术后告诉我的朋友们，我的朋友们知道我正在经历什么，但他们也是耶鲁大学成瘾研究的同事。
I remember telling them like the nurse is stealing the fentanyl because it seems so obvious to me.
我记得告诉他们护士正在偷芬太尼，因为这对我来说似乎很明显。
I mean, fentanyl is the most diverted drug in medical settings.
我的意思是，芬太尼是医疗环境中最常用的药物。
It's like a now major driver of the opioid crisis.
它就像现在阿片类药物危机的主要驱动因素。
And it was just really easy to imagine that someone with access to poorly controlled fentanyl would be abusing it.
很容易想象，那些能够获得控制不善的芬太尼的人会滥用它。
That's so fascinating that that's the image that raised itself up for you because it is so evocative.
这太令人着迷了，以至于你会想到这个图像，因为它是如此令人回味。
Because it is so evocative and also because it was true.
因为它是如此令人回味，也因为它是真实的。
A nurse at the clinic was stealing fentanyl.
诊所的一名护士正在偷芬太尼。
Not Katie's nurse, not the tube in the pocket, but a nurse at the clinic was stealing fentanyl and replacing it with saline.
不是凯蒂的护士，不是口袋里的管子，而是诊所的一名护士偷了芬太尼并用生理盐水代替。
She did so undetected for months, which meant patients weren't getting fentanyl in their IVs.
几个月来，她一直没有被发现，这意味着患者不会在静脉注射中注射芬太尼。
They were getting saltwater instead.
他们取而代之的是盐水。
Drug addicted former nurse is sentenced for a crime that caused unbearable pain to dozens of women.
吸毒成瘾的前护士因给数十名妇女造成难以忍受的痛苦的罪行而被判刑。
The nurse stole drugs and then replaced them with saline solutions.
护士偷了药物，然后用盐水溶液代替。
Connecticut nurse admits that she swapped out anesthesia drugs for saltwater, causing excruciating pain to women during infertility treatments.
康涅狄格州护士承认，她将麻醉药换成了盐水，这给女性在不孕症治疗期间带来了难以忍受的疼痛。
It happened at a top rated center affiliated with--
事情发生在一个顶级中心，隶属于——
Tonight, a horrible story about the extremes a fertility nurse struggling with drug addiction took to get her fix.
今晚，一个可怕的故事讲述了一位与毒瘾作斗争的生育护士为了戒除毒瘾而采取的极端措施。
A federal investigation determined that as many as 200 patients may have been victims of this substitution over five months in 2020.
一项联邦调查确定，2020 年五个月内可能有多达 200 名患者成为这种替代的受害者。
Lawyers for some of the patients believe the real number is higher, and this went on for longer.
一些患者的律师认为真实数字更高，而且这种情况持续的时间更长。
I've talked to a dozen patients who believe they were victims of this.
我曾与十几名患者交谈过，他们认为自己是该事件的受害者。
11 of them are plaintiffs in a lawsuit against Yale, and their lawyers were present when we spoke.
其中11人是针对耶鲁大学的诉讼的原告，我们谈话时他们的律师在场。
When I started doing these interviews, I was struck by the echoes in these women's stories.
当我开始进行这些采访时，我对这些女性故事中的回声感到震惊。
To me, it sounded like a chorus of women saying, something is wrong here, again and again.
对我来说，这听起来就像一群女人齐声说，这里出了问题，一次又一次。
The patients wondered how the clinic could have failed to detect this.
患者们想知道诊所怎么可能没有发现这一点。
And the conversations I was having made me wonder that, too.
我的谈话也让我想知道这一点。
And then I began talking to other people, staffers who'd been there, and I learned about what went on behind the scenes.
然后我开始与其他人、在那里的工作人员交谈，我了解了幕后发生的事情。
The staffers I spoke to were horrified by what the patients had experienced.
与我交谈的工作人员对患者的经历感到震惊。
They were grappling with their own questions about how this had happened, about what had gone amiss.
他们正在努力解决自己的问题，关于这是如何发生的，关于出了什么问题。
The patients didn't know why they were in pain.
患者不知道为什么会感到疼痛。
Their doctors didn't know either.
他们的医生也不知道。
And in the absence of information about the true cause of the pain, people came up with stories to explain it.
在缺乏关于疼痛真正原因的信息的情况下，人们想出了故事来解释它。
The patients constructed stories about why they felt pain.
患者编造故事来解释他们为何感到疼痛。
Staffers at the clinic came up with theories, too.
诊所的工作人员也提出了一些理论。
Eventually, the nurse would tell her own story, which would launch a whole new set of stories, the ones her friends and family would come up with, the one that would get argued in court, the one Yale would tell.
最终，护士会讲述她自己的故事，这将推出一套全新的故事，她的朋友和家人会想出的故事，会在法庭上争论的故事，耶鲁会讲述的故事。
And all of these stories revealed something about women's pain-- how it's tolerated, interpreted, accounted for, or minimized.
所有这些故事都揭示了女性的痛苦——如何容忍、解释、解释或最小化这些痛苦。
In fertility treatment, you evaluate the outcomes by whether you wind up with a baby.
在生育治疗中，您通过是否最终怀上孩子来评估结果。
That's the metric by which success is measured.
这是衡量成功的标准。
It all went well if you leave with a live birth.
如果你能活产的话一切都会很顺利。
The outcomes here are a lot more complicated for everyone.
这里的结果对每个人来说都要复杂得多。
From Serial Productions and the New York Times, I'm Susan Burton, and this is "The Retrievals." This is Episode 1, "The Patients."
我是来自 Serial Productions 和《纽约时报》的苏珊·伯顿，这是《检索》。这是第一集“病人”。
When the retrieval is over, the women are wheeled out to the recovery room.
回收结束后，妇女们被推到康复室。
And one of the first things that happens is that they try to come up with an explanation for their pain.
首先发生的事情之一就是他们试图为自己的痛苦找到一个解释。
They put you into the recovery room, and that's where you meet with whoever you were with.
他们把你送进康复室，在那里你会见和你在一起的人。
And I just remember, that's when I had my phone back, and I was texting my sister-in-law because she was my confidant for all of this, having been through that.
我只记得，就在那时我拿回了手机，我正在给我的嫂子发短信，因为她是我经历过这一切的知己。
And she was just replying, like, oh, my god, how could you-- what do you mean, you felt everything?
她只是回答说，哦，天哪，你怎么能——你是什么意思，你感觉到了一切？
And I was just like explaining to her.
我只是想向她解释。
I'm like, I don't know what's wrong.
我想，我不知道出了什么问题。
And one of the texts I said, I said, I think I'm immune to fentanyl because I was like, I don't think it works on me.
我说的其中一篇短信，我说，我认为我对芬太尼免疫，因为我想，我认为它对我不起作用。
I'm not sensitive to fentanyl was a common theory.
我对芬太尼不敏感是一种常见的理论。
And I remember when the procedure was done, my family sort of-- we have a family text that's ongoing.
我记得手术完成后，我的家人——我们正在发送家庭短信。
And I just remember texting them that it's hard to believe that we have a fentanyl epidemic where people are addicted because it did nothing for me.
我只记得给他们发短信说，很难相信我们有芬太尼流行，人们上瘾，因为它对我没有任何帮助。
Not all of the women were alert during their procedures.
并非所有女性在手术过程中都保持警惕。
Some were more deeply sedated.
有些人服用了更深层的镇静剂。
They were so out of it during the retrieval that they don't really remember it, or only kind of.
在检索过程中，他们完全不记得了，或者只是记得了。
The pain hits when they come to.
当他们苏醒时，疼痛袭来。
It was bad instantly, and it shouldn't really be bad instantly.
立刻就坏了，而且不应该真的立刻就坏了。
You shouldn't wake up and be in horrific, like nightmarish pain.
你不应该醒来后感到可怕的、噩梦般的疼痛。
But I woke up, and I was.
但我醒了，我就醒了。
I mean, it felt like someone had been inside me and gutted me.
我的意思是，感觉就像有人进入了我的内心并摧毁了我。
Yeah, it was like a gutted feeling.
是的，那感觉就像是一种被毁掉的感觉。
It was like someone had been inside me, scraped me hollow.
就好像有人在我体内，把我刮得空洞。
It was burning.
它正在燃烧。
In a way, it is more confusing for the wake-up-later patients.
在某种程度上，这对于起床较晚的患者来说更加困惑。
They're not matching each stab of pain to the needle on the screen.
他们没有将每一次刺痛与屏幕上的针相匹配。
It hurts a lot, but it's less explicable, and because of that, scarier.
它很痛，但更难以解释，因此更可怕。
Your mind just goes to the worst possible places.
你的心思只会去往最糟糕的地方。
I'm thinking, am I bleeding, you know?
我在想，我在流血吗？
Am I bleeding internally?
我这是内出血吗？
Normally, pain is a sign-- is protective, right?
通常，疼痛是一种信号——具有保护作用，对吧？
It tells you something's wrong.
它告诉你出了什么问题。
There's a lot of uncertainty in the recovery room-- an elevated blood pressure, a nurse running around to get ginger ale, a doctor coming by to say, there are fewer eggs than we expected.
康复室里有很多不确定性——血压升高，护士跑来跑去拿姜汁汽水，医生过来告诉我们，鸡蛋比我们预期的要少。
Are you sure you only want us to fertilize half of them?
您确定只希望我们给其中一半施肥吗？
It's all just very overwhelming.
这一切都让人难以承受。
And on top of it, some of the women feel like they're being rushed out of the clinic.
最重要的是，一些女性感觉自己被赶出了诊所。
Julia is one of them.
朱莉娅就是其中之一。
I remember vomiting.
我记得呕吐。
They were giving me some fluids.
他们给了我一些液体。
I was very uncomfortable.
我心里很不舒服。
There was no way I could walk.
我无法行走。
They put me in a wheelchair and wheeled me out.
他们把我放在轮椅上，然后把我推了出去。
And I just had this feeling, like, this is not right.
我只是有这样的感觉，这不对。
Julia is 31 years old and already a college professor.
朱莉娅今年 31 岁，已经是一名大学教授。
This morning, when her husband drove to the clinic, she'd been frantic.
今天早上，当她丈夫开车去诊所时，她很慌张。
There was work on a bridge near their house, and they got stuck.
他们家附近的一座桥正在施工，他们被困住了。
There's only a short window to retrieve the eggs before you ovulate them, and Julia was worried she would miss it.
在排卵前取出卵子的时间很短，朱莉娅担心她会错过这个机会。
When she arrived at the clinic, she felt a huge relief, like we made it, both we made it on time and we made it to this day.
当她到达诊所时，她感到如释重负，就像我们做到了一样，我们都按时做到了，而且我们坚持到了今天。
Now, she's feeling something she never expected.
现在，她感受到了一些她从未预料到的事情。
At home, she goes upstairs and gets into bed.
回到家，她上楼上床睡觉。
I fell asleep for a little while, and then I woke up and I was nervous.
我睡了一会儿，然后就醒了，我很紧张。
We had a babysitter here watching my daughter.
我们有一个保姆在这里照顾我的女儿。
And I just-- you wake up, you're like, oh, my god, who's with my kid?
我只是——你醒来后，你会想，哦，天哪，谁和我的孩子在一起？
I need to-- and I walked a few steps to try and go down the stairs, and I realized I really had gone too far from the bed.
我需要——我走了几步试图下楼梯，然后我意识到我真的离床太远了。
By this point, the pain was excruciating, I would say.
我想说，此时此刻，疼痛已是难以忍受。
And I turned to go back to lay down in my bed again.
我转身又躺回床上。
And I mean, I don't remember this, but I blacked out or passed out.
我的意思是，我不记得了，但我眼前一黑或昏过去了。
And I woke up on the floor, and I kind of busted my lip open.
我在地板上醒来，我的嘴唇张开了。
Julia calls the clinic, and they tell her that she should go to the ER.
朱莉娅给诊所打电话，他们告诉她应该去急诊室。
She's in so much pain that she can't bend enough to get into a car.
她太痛苦了，以至于无法弯腰上车。
An ambulance is called, and when Julia gets to the hospital, they check her out.
救护车被叫来，当朱莉娅到达医院时，他们对她进行了检查。
The retrieval is a safe procedure, but things can go wrong.
检索是一个安全的过程，但可能会出现问题。
Your ovary can strangulate.
你的卵巢可能会窒息。
A major artery can get punctured.
主动脉可能会被刺穿。
But none of the obvious things are wrong, and nobody can explain what is.
但没有一个明显的事情是错误的，也没有人能解释到底什么是错误的。
Back home over the weekend, Julia calls the on-call doctor at the clinic multiple times.
周末回到家，朱莉娅多次给诊所的值班医生打电话。
By Sunday, I sort of got the sense I was annoying him.
到了周日，我有点感觉我惹恼了他。
Julia keeps waiting for a call from her official doctor.
朱莉娅一直在等待她的官方医生的电话。
By Tuesday, she still hasn't heard from him.
到周二，她仍然没有收到他的消息。
It was impossible for me to understand how he hadn't called me by this point.
我无法理解他怎么到现在还没有给我打电话。
But I called his office on Tuesday, basically saying, I need to talk to you.
但我周二打电话给他的办公室，基本上是说，我需要和你谈谈。
I wrote down what he said, and I've kept this note since that time.
我记下了他说的话，从那时起我就一直保留着这张纸条。
He said he was not alarmed, but perplexed and surprised at my experience.
他说他对我的经历并不感到惊慌，但感到困惑和惊讶。
Those words, I guess, ring pretty hollow now, right, knowing that there was a pattern of many women who had extreme, inexplicable pain after the egg retrieval.
我想，这些话现在听起来相当空洞，对吧，因为知道许多女性在取卵后都会感到极度的、莫名其妙的疼痛。
What did you make of that language in the moment, "perplexed and surprised"?
您当时对这种语言有何看法，“感到困惑和惊讶”？
It was-- I mean, I guess, I felt crazy.
那是——我的意思是，我想，我感觉很疯狂。
I mean, by this point, I'm asking myself, am I being difficult?
我的意思是，此时此刻，我问自己，我是不是很难相处？
I mean, you just question your sense of self, your ability to assess your situation rationally, which is very disconcerting when that happens, because at least at the end of the day, you have that, right?
我的意思是，你只是质疑你的自我意识，质疑你理性评估自己处境的能力，当这种情况发生时，你会感到非常不安，因为至少在一天结束时，你有这样的能力，对吧？
You start thinking about your whole life, right?
你开始思考你的一生，对吗？
Like, I'm a pretty high energy person.
就像，我是一个精力充沛的人。
I take care of a toddler.
我照顾一个小孩。
I have a PhD.
我有博士学位。
I have a job.
我有工作。
I run marathons in my free time.
我在空闲时间跑马拉松。
You have all these parts of your life that give you this sense of who you are.
你生活中的所有这些部分都让你意识到自己是谁。
And then I just felt like they were treating me like I was nuts for still being in pain and just having what I would call a difficult time.
然后我就觉得他们对待我就像我疯了一样，因为我仍然处于痛苦之中，只是经历了我所说的困难时期。
I just left the office, I mean, crying.
我刚离开办公室，我是说，哭了。
I just felt like nobody, nobody cares.
我只是觉得没人，没人关心。
That's the way I would describe how I felt in the days after.
这就是我接下来几天的感受。
Like, nobody gives a crap that this was so hard for me.
就像，没有人在乎这对我来说太难了。
In the days after the retrieval, other patients live out versions of the same story.
在检索后的几天里，其他患者也经历了同一个故事的不同版本。
They also call the clinic.
他们还给诊所打电话。
They ask, is this normal?
他们问，这正常吗？
They say, the Tylenol isn't helping.
他们说，泰诺没有帮助。
At home, they're laid up on the couch.
在家里，他们躺在沙发上。
They can't pick up their toddler.
他们无法接起他们的孩子。
They wonder if they really should have scheduled themselves for a shift the next day.
他们想知道是否真的应该安排自己第二天轮班。
Not all staffers at the clinic are dismissive, but even when they respond with concern, there aren't any real answers.
并非诊所的所有工作人员都对此不屑一顾，但即使他们表示担忧，也没有任何真正的答案。
Some of these conversations take place days after the procedure, like at follow-ups to talk about next steps.
其中一些对话是在手术后几天进行的，例如在后续行动中讨论后续步骤。
You didn't really talk to the office until day five or day six, which is when I found out that none of the eggs had survived.
直到第五天或第六天你才真正与办公室交谈，那时我发现没有一个鸡蛋存活下来。
None were healthy enough to go to testing.
没有人健康到可以接受检测。
And we had to talk about moving forward.
我们必须讨论如何继续前进。
And that's when I really expressed my sort of shock that the procedure was as painful as it was and talked about if there were other pain management protocols that could be considered at that point.
就在那时，我真正表达了我对手术如此痛苦的震惊，并谈到当时是否可以考虑其他疼痛管理方案。
And I was told that that was the best pain medication that was available.
我被告知这是最好的止痛药。
And my doctor prescribed me an anxiety medication to take before the next procedure.
我的医生给我开了一种抗焦虑药物，让我在下次手术前服用。
And I remember saying to my husband, I think it's strange because I'm not anxious about a medical procedure.
我记得对我丈夫说，我觉得这很奇怪，因为我对医疗程序并不焦虑。
It was the pain.
这就是痛苦。
It was severe pain, not anxiety about going into it.
这是剧烈的疼痛，而不是对进入其中的焦虑。
The next time that I saw my doctor, he asked me how the procedure went, and I said, it was really, really painful.
下次我去看医生时，他问我手术进行得怎么样，我说，真的非常非常痛苦。
And he was kind of like a little bit concerned, but then he just didn't say anything after that, so I was like, OK, I guess.
他有点担心，但之后他就什么也没说，所以我想，好吧，我猜。
And this was my first time doing it, so I didn't know any better.
而且这是我第一次这样做，所以我不知道更好。
So I was like, oh, OK, I guess it's supposed to be painful.
所以我想，哦，好吧，我想这应该很痛苦。
Other women are talking about what happened with family and friends.
其他女性正在谈论与家人和朋友发生的事情。
So at that point, I had talked to a couple of family members who had done retrievals, and I felt even worse.
所以那时，我和几个做过检索的家庭成员交谈过，我的感觉更糟了。
There's nothing like feeling shame from another female and unintentional, too.
没有什么比在无意中对另一个女性感到羞耻更好的了。
Like, that just seems weird because I was wheeled back there and joked with the staff and then fell asleep and woke up and was fine.
就像，这看起来很奇怪，因为我被推回那里并与工作人员开玩笑，然后睡着了，醒来后就没事了。
And that seemed to be the general consensus between procedures at different clinics, that, oh, yeah, I was kind of alert, but I didn't feel anything.
这似乎是不同诊所的手术之间的普遍共识，哦，是的，我有点警觉，但我没有任何感觉。
It was really no big deal.
这确实没什么大不了的。
Like, the shots ahead of time were way worse than the actual procedure.
就像，提前的镜头比实际的过程糟糕得多。
And I started shutting down after hearing those stories that this was on me.
在听到这些关于我的故事后，我开始封闭自己。
Something wasn't right with my tolerance and my ability to handle this.
我的容忍度和处理这件事的能力有些不对劲。
The women are already settling on their stories about what happened to them.
这些妇女已经开始讲述她们身上发生的事情。
I'm immune to fentanyl.
我对芬太尼有免疫力。
It's my fault.
这是我的错。
It's supposed to be painful.
应该是很痛苦的。
The clinic tells patients that they may experience mild discomfort, but now some of them have recalibrated their expectations, including Lynn, who will have eight retrievals at the clinic.
诊所告诉患者，他们可能会感到轻微的不适，但现在他们中的一些人已经重新调整了他们的期望，包括林恩，她将在诊所进行八次检索。
All of them will cause her excruciating pain.
所有这些都会给她带来难以忍受的痛苦。
Again, you hear about IVF and how tough of a process it is mentally and physically.
你再一次听说了体外受精（IVF），以及这个过程对精神和身体来说是多么艰难。
And I just thought, this is what I have to do.
我只是想，这就是我必须做的。
This is what I have to do.
这是我必须做的。
And sort of just thought, this is what women go through.
我想，这就是女性所经历的。
Yale declined to offer information about how reports of pain were addressed at the clinic or to answer any other questions.
耶鲁大学拒绝提供有关诊所如何处理疼痛报告的信息或回答任何其他问题。
Susan Burton.
苏珊·伯顿。
Coming up, how a person can go from thinking that a nurse is stealing the fentanyl, which, of course, was right, to thinking, oh, maybe there's some other explanation.
接下来，一个人如何从认为护士偷了芬太尼（这当然是正确的）到思考，哦，也许还有其他解释。
That's in a minute, from Chicago Public Radio, when our program continues.
稍后，芝加哥公共广播电台将继续我们的节目。
It's This American Life.
这就是美国生活。
I'm Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯。
Today, on our show, we're bringing you the first episode of our producer Susan Burton's brand new podcast, The Retrievals.
今天，在我们的节目中，我们为您带来制作人苏珊·伯顿的全新播客《检索》的第一集。
Susan picks up the story where she left off.
苏珊从她停下来的地方继续讲故事。
Of the 12 patients I spoke to, most are white.
在我采访的 12 名患者中，大多数是白人。
The one Black woman in the group was often the only Black woman in the clinic waiting room.
该群体中的一名黑人女性通常是诊所候诊室中唯一的黑人女性。
Everyone in the group identified as a woman.
该团体中的每个人都被认为是女性。
While a couple of them were pursuing pregnancy for the first time as they neared 40, most did not fit that stereotype.
虽然其中一些人在年近 40 岁时第一次想要怀孕，但大多数人并不符合这种刻板印象。
Most were married to men, one to a woman.
大多数人与男性结婚，其中一名与女性结婚。
That patient would provide the eggs, and her wife would carry the pregnancy.
该患者将提供卵子，而她的妻子将怀孕。
Her wife presents as more stereotypically masculine, doesn't wear women's clothing.
她的妻子表现得更加男性化，不穿女装。
And at first, family members were like, are you sure you want to do it this way?
起初，家人问，你确定要这样做吗？
Yes, they were sure.
是的，他们确信。
One was doing this on her own at 41 after the end of a long relationship.
其中一个人在 41 岁结束了一段长期关系后独自一人做这件事。
Another left her boyfriend partway through the process and then fell in love with the new guy at the office.
另一个人在这个过程中离开了她的男朋友，然后爱上了办公室的新人。
One was born in Iran and came to the US as a refugee.
其中一名出生于伊朗，以难民身份来到美国。
Another grew up in Jamaica.
另一个在牙买加长大。
One had what she described as a horrible childhood.
其中一个人的童年被她描述为可怕的。
She essentially had to raise herself.
她基本上必须提高自己。
Another longed to have a second baby because she was so close to all of her siblings.
另一个人渴望生第二个孩子，因为她和她所有的兄弟姐妹都很亲近。
One had type 1 diabetes and was used to everyone always attributing all medical issues to, oh, it's your diabetes.
其中一位患有 1 型糖尿病，并且习惯了每个人总是将所有医疗问题归因于，哦，这是你的糖尿病。
All of them worked.
他们都工作了。
A special ed teacher, an accountant at a maritime firm, and a lecturer at Yale in the Department of American Studies.
一名特殊教育教师，一家海事公司的会计师，以及耶鲁大学美国研究系的讲师。
Her name is Leah.
她的名字叫莉亚。
Her scholarship encompasses a variety of subjects-- exile and migration-- she's the patient who came to the US as a refugee from Iran-- and gender.
她的学术研究涵盖了各种主题——流亡和移民——她是作为伊朗难民来到美国的病人——以及性别。
From the beginning of her treatment, Leah located her experience within a context of assumptions about women patients, that they're unreliable narrators of their own symptoms, that they are anxious, exaggerating.
从治疗一开始，莉亚就将自己的经历置于对女性患者的假设背景下，认为她们对自己症状的叙述者不可靠，她们焦虑、夸大。
But I remember the first time I went in there to get ready for the ultrasound, there was blood on the floor from a previous person's ultrasound.
但我记得我第一次进去准备超声波检查时，地板上有前一个人超声波检查留下的血迹。
And I have to tell you, it was as ominous as signs fucking come.
我必须告诉你，这就像他妈的预兆一样不祥。
And I just remember Navid was with me, I think.
我想我只记得纳维德和我在一起。
Was Navid with me?
纳维德和我在一起吗？
Oh, no, he couldn't go inside.
哦，不，他不能进去。
He was waiting in the car.
他正在车里等着。
My husband was waiting in the car.
我丈夫正在车里等着。
I was just shaking.
我只是在发抖。
I was like, this isn't good.
我当时想，这不好。
I mean, it was like, you walk in, and I was like, there's blood?
我的意思是，就像，你走进来，我就想，有血吗？
You guys left blood over?
你们还留血吗？
What is going on here?
这是怎么回事？
But here's the thing, and this is where it begins, is, you are treated like a hysterical woman from the second you walk in there.
但事情是这样的，这就是事情开始的地方，从你走进那里的那一刻起，你就被当作一个歇斯底里的女人对待。
So you already know.
所以你已经知道了。
And as a person who-- I study this stuff.
作为一个人——我研究这些东西。
I teach this stuff.
我教这些东西。
And you're there, and you're like, oh, this is actually what's happening right now.
当你在那里时，你会想，哦，这实际上就是现在正在发生的事情。
Here comes like Freud's patient, the hysterical woman who's childless, and angry, and hormonal, and terrified, and bitchy, and mean.
这就像弗洛伊德的病人，一个歇斯底里的女人，没有孩子，愤怒，荷尔蒙旺盛，害怕，恶毒，卑鄙。
And that's how we're going to treat her.
这就是我们要对待她的方式。
Hysteria comes from the Greek word for "uterus." Ancient explanations for it involve an empty uterus.
歇斯底里症源自希腊语，意为“子宫”。古代对此的解释涉及空子宫。
A woman was hysterical because her uterus was not full.
一名妇女因子宫未满而歇斯底里。
Unanchored, the uterus roved through the body, which was what made women sick and crazy.
失去锚定的子宫在身体内四处游走，这就是让女性感到恶心和疯狂的原因。
To fix hysteria, you really needed to fill that uterus up.
为了解决歇斯底里症，你确实需要填满子宫。
So with the blood, I remember being like, there's blood on the floor.
所以对于血，我记得地板上有血。
You know?
你知道？
I was really upset.
我真的很难过。
And they're like, OK, OK.
他们就像，好吧，好吧。
I mean, it turned right back on me.
我的意思是，它又回到了我身上。
And I remember one of the nurses was like, OK, well, you can calm down.
我记得一位护士说，好吧，好吧，你可以冷静下来。
I was told to calm down.
有人告诉我要冷静。
And then when they're doing the ultrasounds, of course, someone's doing a transvaginal ultrasound.
当然，当他们进行超声波检查时，有人会进行经阴道超声波检查。
So there's literally like this stick that's inside of you, and they're moving it around.
所以实际上就像这根棍子就在你的体内，他们正在移动它。
And if you cringe, oh, OK, it'll just be like another-- it's just another second.
如果你感到畏缩，哦，好吧，它就会像另一秒钟一样——只是另一秒钟。
It's just, OK, just be patient.
只是，好吧，请耐心等待。
So you're constantly over emphasizing or over dramatizing what's happening.
所以你总是过度强调或过度戏剧化正在发生的事情。
It's not that big of a deal.
这没什么大不了的。
Leah felt like her doctor wasn't listening to her.
莉亚觉得她的医生没有听她的话。
She also didn't trust her assigned nurse.
她也不信任她指定的护士。
Then came Leah's first retrieval.
然后是莉亚的第一次检索。
She felt her pain wasn't taken seriously by anyone.
她觉得她的痛苦没有被任何人重视。
She says they all blew her off.
她说他们都让她失望了。
Leah wasn't happy with her treatment, but she decided to continue.
莉娅对自己的治疗并不满意，但她决定继续治疗。
Here I was.
我在这儿。
I saw it.
我看到了。
I felt it.
我感觉到了。
I was alarmed by it.
我对此感到震惊。
But I kept going because I wanted to have a baby.
但我还是坚持了下来，因为我想要个孩子。
Leah asked for a new doctor.
莉亚要求换一位新医生。
He oversaw her next cycle, and soon she went in for another retrieval.
他监督了她的下一个周期，很快她又进行了另一次检索。
Right after you're in that room, the anesthesiologist came up to me, and she said, you know what?
你一进那个房间，麻醉师就走到我面前，她说，你知道吗？
You were waking up.
你正在醒来。
You were waking up.
你正在醒来。
We ought to give you some more meds.
我们应该再给你一些药。
You were waking up.
你正在醒来。
So again, you, your body, you were nervous.
再说一次，你、你的身体、你都很紧张。
You were agitated.
你很激动。
You burdened us.
你给我们增加了负担。
Your kind of uncontrollable body put us in a position where we actually had to give you more drugs.
你这种无法控制的身体让我们不得不给你更多的药物。
You were waking up, so we had to give you more fentanyl.
你正在醒来，所以我们不得不给你更多的芬太尼。
And I was like, oh.
我当时想，哦。
But again, to them, to them, I'm this woman who's already on edge.
但再说一次，对他们来说，对他们来说，我就是这个已经处于边缘的女人。
I already left the doctor because I didn't like the doctor.
我已经离开了医生，因为我不喜欢这个医生。
So the other physicians and the other nurses all know this about me.
所以其他医生和护士都知道我的情况。
I'm a kind of already unruly, perhaps entitled, overly kind of needy woman who's just really angry that she doesn't have a baby.
我是一个已经不守规矩，也许是有权利的，过度需要帮助的女人，她只是因为没有孩子而感到非常生气。
There's a balance you have to strike as a woman patient.
作为一名女性患者，您必须保持平衡。
You have to complain just the right amount to be taken seriously, but not so much that you seem shrill.
你必须抱怨适量，才会被认真对待，但又不能太多，以免显得尖刻。
Still, your pain is more likely to be underestimated than men's.
尽管如此，你的疼痛比男性更容易被低估。
Black women are more likely to have their pain ignored, no matter what they do.
黑人女性无论做什么，她们的痛苦更有可能被忽视。
All of this, we know from the literature and also from life.
这一切，我们从文学中，也从生活中得知。
In my life, I've been the kind of patient where if I've ever spoken up, I felt like I need to be obsequious later to protect myself.
在我的生活中，我一直是那种耐心的人，如果我开口说话，我觉得我需要在以后卑躬屈膝以保护自己。
That is what I felt I needed to perform.
这就是我觉得我需要表现的。
Leah knew she'd need to perform a whole range of things in order to get help-- stern, docile, smart, stupid, agreeable.
利亚知道她需要做很多事情才能获得帮助——严厉、温顺、聪明、愚蠢、和蔼可亲。
And now, on a gurney in the recovery room, Leah became an observer.
现在，在康复室的轮床上，莉亚成为了一名观察员。
She would remember what was happening.
她会记得发生了什么。
She would write about this one day.
有一天她会写下这件事。
She tuned into the language and to the emphasis that, to her, seemed so interesting and fucked up and to the syntax that seemed to place the blame on her body.
她适应了这种语言和强调，对她来说，这似乎很有趣，而且很糟糕，而且语法似乎把责任归咎于她的身体。
But at the same time, Leah had also internalized the narrative that her body was to blame.
但与此同时，莉亚也内化了自己的身体是罪魁祸首的说法。
Her body was inadequate, deficient.
她的身体不够好，缺乏。
That was why she was here.
这就是她来这里的原因。
Her body had had miscarriages.
她的身体曾经历过流产。
Her body didn't make enough eggs.
她的身体无法产生足够的鸡蛋。
Her body couldn't cooperate long enough to get through a critical procedure.
她的身体无法配合足够长的时间来完成关键的手术。
Oh, god, my body.
哦，上帝，我的身体。
Like, here it goes again.
就像，又来了。
Not only can I not have a baby, I also can't even just lay still with the right amount of fentanyl.
我不仅不能生孩子，而且服用适量的芬太尼后，我什至无法安静地躺着。
Leah wasn't the only woman who had an area of expertise that was directly applicable here in a way that is kind of uncanny.
利亚并不是唯一一个拥有可以以一种不可思议的方式直接应用于此的专业领域的女性。
For example, there are multiple patients who work in health care, including one who's designed systems for the safe storage of medications.
例如，有多名患者从事医疗保健工作，其中一名患者设计了药物安全储存系统。
There's a nurse anesthetist.
有一名麻醉护士。
She thought the anesthesia was the one part of fertility treatment she wouldn't have to worry about.
她认为麻醉是她不必担心的生育治疗的一部分。
And of course, there's the addiction researcher, Katie, who had the prophetic fantasy.
当然，还有成瘾研究员凯蒂，她有预言性的幻想。
What's unique about you is that not only did you know something was wrong, you knew exactly what was wrong.
你的独特之处在于，你不仅知道出了什么问题，而且确切地知道出了什么问题。
I did.
我做到了。
Susan Burton Yet still, you constructed this other narrative to explain it.
苏珊·伯顿 然而，你仍然构建了另一个叙述来解释它。
Yes.
是的。
Susan Burton Like other patients, Katie had expertise that gave her knowledge, but she and others pushed that knowledge aside.
苏珊·伯顿（Susan Burton）和其他患者一样，凯蒂拥有丰富的专业知识，但她和其他人却将这些知识抛在了一边。
They decided not to know what they knew in order to keep going.
为了继续前进，他们决定不知道自己所知道的事情。
I wanted Katie to lay out the path to that cognitive dissonance.
我希望凯蒂为这种认知失调指明道路。
I wanted her to explain exactly how she got from one story to the other.
我想让她准确地解释一下她是如何从一个故事转到另一个故事的。
I mean, as I've told you, I came out of that procedure, and I remember immediately texting my friends, who are also colleagues in addiction research at Yale, like, the nurse is stealing the fentanyl.
我的意思是，正如我告诉过你的，我完成了那个程序，我记得立即给我的朋友发短信，他们也是耶鲁大学成瘾研究的同事，比如，护士正在偷芬太尼。
It just seemed so obvious.
这看起来是如此明显。
But then you sort come out of this-- I remember just coming out of the shock and recovering from the procedure, and things just go on.
但后来你就从这件事中走出来了——我记得刚从震惊中走出来，从手术中恢复过来，事情就这样继续下去。
No one is addressing the fact that I was sober during the procedure.
没有人提及我在手术过程中保持清醒的事实。
And I remember violently shaking in recovery from the shock.
我记得从震惊中恢复过来时剧烈颤抖。
I don't know that that's related to having the procedure with or without fentanyl, but that's how my body responded.
我不知道这与使用或不使用芬太尼的手术有关，但这就是我的身体的反应。
And my nurse was there.
我的护士也在场。
And I remember her saying something like, I think it was so painful because we got so many eggs.
我记得她说过这样的话，我认为这太痛苦了，因为我们有这么多鸡蛋。
And so it was just sort of this positive, kind of false narrative about what had happened.
所以这只是对所发生的事情的一种积极的、虚假的叙述。
And so then I think I coped by coming up with an alternate explanation, which was that I do remember waking up during having my wisdom teeth being pulled when I was a kid to the nurse saying, shit, shit, and then giving me more drugs, putting me back under.
所以我想我通过提出另一种解释来应对，那就是我确实记得当我还是个孩子的时候，我的智齿被拔掉时醒来，对护士说，狗屎，狗屎，然后给我更多的药物，让我恢复正常。
So the other explanation for me was that maybe I'm not sensitive to certain opiates.
所以对我来说另一个解释是也许我对某些阿片类药物不敏感。
And I remember also that kind of became my narrative with-- my friends and colleagues kind of remember me sort of switching to that narrative and saying, like, well, maybe you're not sensitive to fentanyl.
我还记得这成为了我的叙述——我的朋友和同事记得我有点转向那种叙述并说，好吧，也许你对芬太尼不敏感。
So I started to kind of just tell myself a story about my pain, just try to understand.
所以我开始给自己讲一个关于我的痛苦的故事，试着去理解。
It's a way of just understanding my experience and thinking, yeah, maybe this is what happened.
这是理解我的经历和思考的一种方式，是的，也许这就是发生的事情。
[MUSIC PLAYING] Susan Burton The story becomes a way not only to explain pain, but to cope with it, a way to not only make sense of the pain, but to manage it, to tamp it down, get through it.
[音乐播放]苏珊·伯顿 这个故事不仅成为一种解释痛苦的方式，而且成为一种应对痛苦的方式，一种不仅能理解痛苦的方式，还能管理它、压制它、度过它的方式。
In this way, the story becomes the medicine that the patients weren't given.
这样，故事就成了病人没有得到的药。
The women gear up for second, third retrievals.
妇女们为第二次、第三次检索做好准备。
They changed their diets.
他们改变了饮食。
They cut chemicals out of their home.
他们不再在家中使用化学品。
They read the books the nurses recommend, or they get ready for embryo transfers.
他们阅读护士推荐的书籍，或者为胚胎移植做好准备。
They make reservations at a hotel in town so that they won't have to drive home over a bumpy road.
他们在城里预订了一家酒店，这样就不用开车回家，路上崎岖不平。
Despite these efforts, some of the women miscarry.
尽管做出了这些努力，一些妇女还是流产了。
One woman wakes up about 10 days after her embryo transfer with some spotting.
一名女性在胚胎移植后约 10 天醒来，身上出现一些斑点。
Don't think anything of that yet, a nurse reassures her.
护士安慰她说，先别想那么多。
But the pregnancy test comes back negative.
但妊娠试验结果呈阴性。
When do you think you might want to get started again?
您认为您什么时候可能想重新开始？
Her doctor asks her at a virtual follow-up appointment.
她的医生在虚拟后续预约中询问她。
I'm not ready, the patient says.
“我还没准备好，”病人说。
She closes the telehealth, and that's the last time she talked to the doctor.
她关闭了远程医疗，这是她最后一次与医生交谈。
She never goes back to that clinic.
她再也没有去过那家诊所。
She stops fertility treatment and doesn't know when or if she will ever resume it.
她停止了生育治疗，并且不知道何时或是否会恢复治疗。
She never wants to go through an egg retrieval again.
她再也不想再进行取卵手术了。
Fertility treatment doesn't always result in a baby.
生育治疗并不总是能生出婴儿。
It's not just giving yourself shots that's hard.
困难的不仅仅是给自己投篮。
It's the cycle of hope and loss.
这是希望与失落的循环。
It just clobbers you.
它只会打击你。
And the longer you stay in it, the more the drugs mess with your head.
你呆在里面的时间越长，药物对你大脑的干扰就越严重。
It's called the Clomid crazies for a reason, one of the women tells me.
其中一位女士告诉我，这被称为克罗米芬疯狂是有原因的。
And the money, always the money.
还有钱，永远是钱。
If your insurance covers this, it probably only covers a few cycles.
如果您的保险涵盖这一点，它可能只涵盖几个周期。
There's so much pressure on each one.
每个人的压力都很大。
Once you have to pay out of pocket, you're talking maybe 15k for one cycle, and that's the low end.
一旦你必须自掏腰包，你说的一个周期可能是 15k，这是最低的。
Some of the women are keeping their treatments secret.
一些女性将她们的治疗方法保密。
One of them can't even tell her own mother.
其中一人甚至无法告诉自己的母亲。
It's hard.
这很难。
It's hard to begin with, even without this extra layer that's been added on to this now, the pain and the fear of more of it.
一开始就很难，即使没有现在添加的额外层，痛苦和对更多的恐惧。
The first time, I went in clueless, thinking, you're not going to feel a thing.
第一次，我毫无头绪地进去，心想，你不会有任何感觉。
So I think the second time, I had a lot more anxiety.
所以我认为第二次，我更加焦虑了。
Laura doesn't get as many eggs as she hoped for the first time around.
劳拉第一次得到的鸡蛋数量没有她希望的那么多。
It's urgent that she start cancer treatment, and the doctors accelerate her cycle.
她迫切需要开始癌症治疗，医生加快了她的周期。
Her second retrieval is scheduled for barely more than two weeks after her first.
她的第二次检索预计将在第一次检索后两周多一点的时间内进行。
That morning, Laura's mother drives her to the clinic and sits in the waiting room, while Laura goes back for the procedure.
那天早上，劳拉的母亲开车送她去诊所，坐在候诊室里，劳拉则回去接受手术。
And I was shocked.
我很震惊。
I was shocked again that it was the same situation.
我再次震惊了，同样的情况。
I'm thrusting my hips and telling these-- wide awake, speaking to them.
我挺着屁股，告诉这些人——我完全清醒，对他们说话。
And I was just like, I feel everything you're doing.
我当时想，我感觉到你所做的一切。
And that was when I remember actually saying to them, I could drive myself home right now.
就在那时，我记得实际上对他们说，我现在可以自己开车回家了。
I'm that alert.
我就是这么警觉。
In the recovery room, Laura gets her phone back and just like last time, texts her sister-in-law.
在康复室，劳拉拿回手机，像上次一样给她的嫂子发短信。
She sees her mom.
她看到了她妈妈。
She tells them both how much pain she's in.
她告诉他们她有多痛苦。
So my sister-in-law right away was like, oh, my god, I cannot believe you felt that again.
所以我嫂子立刻就说，哦，天啊，我不敢相信你又有这种感觉了。
But my mom, she just felt-- it's hard because she had seen me go through so much as it was with the cancer, any mother who has to live watching their daughter go through that.
但我妈妈，她只是觉得——这很难，因为她看到我经历了那么多，就像癌症一样，任何母亲都必须看着自己的女儿经历这些。
And then for me to tell her, this was supposed to be a special moment because we're preserving my fertility.
然后我告诉她，这应该是一个特殊的时刻，因为我们正在保留我的生育能力。
And-- I'm sorry.
还有——对不起。
[CRYING] And for her to see that, it hurts her to see me in pain, you know.
[哭泣] 让她看到这一点，看到我痛苦，她会很伤心，你知道。
And I was just like, well, thank god.
我当时就想，好吧，感谢上帝。
I think this was the last time I had to do that.
我想这是我最后一次不得不这样做。
So.
所以。
What did the two of you do the rest of that day?
那天剩下的时间你们两个都做了什么？
Did she drive you home?
她开车送你回家吗？
Yeah, she drove me home, and she stayed with me because she had already been staying with me a lot during the day after my surgeries because at that point, I still wasn't allowed to lift more than 5 pounds because I was still recovering from the other surgeries.
是的，她开车送我回家，她一直陪着我，因为在我手术后的一天里，她已经陪着我很多时间了，因为那时，我仍然不被允许举起超过 5 磅的东西，因为我仍在从其他手术中恢复。
So, yeah, she was with me and made me lunch and comforted me.
所以，是的，她和我在一起，给我做午餐并安慰我。
And just, we were like, OK, so now we just go back to waiting and hoping we get a good number.
只是，我们就像，好吧，所以现在我们只是回去等待并希望我们能得到一个好的号码。
And I just moved on from it because I faced many more surgeries that year as well.
我刚刚摆脱了它，因为那一年我也面临了更多的手术。
So I kind of had to just switch back into that survival mode.
所以我不得不切换回那种生存模式。
Like, OK, well, now we just battle the next thing, so.
就像，好吧，现在我们只是为下一件事而战，所以。
Ugh.
啊。
In the other surgeries you had, like cancer related surgeries, what were your experiences of pain?
在您进行的其他手术中，例如癌症相关手术，您经历过哪些疼痛？
It's actually interesting that you bring that up because when I did have my double mastectomy, I was hospitalized.
你提出这个问题实际上很有趣，因为当我进行双侧乳房切除术时，我住院了。
I think I was in for a day or two days.
我想我在里面呆了一两天。
And strangely enough, the night nurse forgot to give me morphine.
奇怪的是，夜间护士忘记给我吗啡。
So I actually was awake and in pain the entire night.
所以我整个晚上都在痛苦中清醒着。
And I have a gluten allergy, so they couldn't feed me anything because the kitchen was closed.
我对麸质过敏，所以他们不能给我吃任何东西，因为厨房关闭了。
So I spent the entire night vomiting because they were trying to give me like Percocets or something.
所以我整个晚上都在呕吐，因为他们试图给我服用 Percocets 之类的东西。
Ugh.
啊。
Laura And so I know what pain feels like.
劳拉 所以我知道疼痛是什么感觉。
Whatever.
任何。
And the next morning, the doctor goes, I don't understand why she didn't give it to you.
第二天早上，医生说，我不明白她为什么不给你。
It was on the order.
这是订单上的。
And I had a really young nurse.
我有一个非常年轻的护士。
Whatever.
任何。
This is completely unrelated to that, but I know what pain feels like.
这与那完全无关，但我知道痛苦是什么感觉。
I've been through it.
我经历过。
And then when I was hospitalized at Christmas, that's funny that you bring that up because my sister-in-law actually had pointed out.
然后当我在圣诞节住院时，你提出这个问题很有趣，因为我的嫂子实际上已经指出了。
She goes, do you remember when you kept telling me you were immune to fentanyl?
她说，你还记得你一直告诉我你对芬太尼免疫吗？
She goes, when I did a search on my phone-- she's really savvy.
当我用手机搜索时，她走了——她真的很精明。
You can type in fentanyl in text messages, and it'll bring up every conversation.
你可以在短信中输入芬太尼，它就会显示每一个对话。
She goes, I actually found one from when you were hospitalized at Christmas saying that you were on fentanyl.
她说，我实际上找到了一份你圣诞节住院时写的信，说你正在服用芬太尼。
And I guess she had sent me a picture of her Christmas tree, and I had made a comment like, oh, my god, did your house burn down?
我猜她给我发了一张她的圣诞树的照片，我评论道，哦，天哪，你的房子被烧毁了吗？
And she was just like-- and she was like, what are you talking about?
她就像——她就像，你在说什么？
And I said, I don't know.
我说，我不知道。
The nurse just gave me fentanyl.
护士刚刚给了我芬太尼。
And so she goes, look, Laura, so it does work on you.
于是她就说，劳拉，这对你确实有效。
Oh, wow.
哦，哇。
Laura And this was a month prior.
劳拉 这是一个月前的事。
And that didn't even dawn on me.
我什至都没有意识到这一点。
Like, oh, my god.
就像，哦，天哪。
But when it came time for the other thing, I was just like, oh, it must not work on me because I just felt like nobody had heard what I was saying, so it just didn't exist.
但当到了另一件事的时候，我就想，哦，它一定对我不起作用，因为我只是觉得没有人听到我在说什么，所以它根本不存在。
It was in my head.
它就在我的脑海里。
So yeah.
所以是的。
So I don't know.
所以我不知道。
Was I foolish because I didn't dispute it more?
我是否因为没有更多地争论而变得愚蠢？
Maybe not.
也许不是。
I don't know.
我不知道。
But I believe them.
但我相信他们。
You trust them.
你信任他们。
Months pass.
几个月过去了。
Some of the women get pregnant.
有些妇女怀孕了。
Others are still trying.
其他人仍在尝试。
Some of them are still showing up at that clinic for blood draws when they open their mailboxes in December 2020.
他们中的一些人在 2020 年 12 月打开邮箱时仍然出现在该诊所抽血。
Christmas was on a Friday of 2020, and the mail arrived on Thursday.
2020 年的圣诞节是星期五，邮件于星期四到达。
It was Christmas Eve.
那是圣诞节前夕。
And I was busy.
我很忙。
And I just thought, I'm not going to go get the mail today.
我只是想，我今天不会去取邮件。
And I waited until Monday the 28th.
我一直等到28号星期一。
And it was a nice day.
这是美好的一天。
I went outside, I got the mail.
我出去了，收到了邮件。
And I got this letter.
我收到了这封信。
So I got this letter in the mail.
所以我收到了这封信。
It's nothing fancy.
这没什么了不起的。
It's Yale envelope.
这是耶鲁大学的信封。
I'm assuming it's a bill.
我猜这是一张账单。
The bills never stopped coming with IVF.
体外受精带来的账单从未停止过。
You get so much-- when you work at Yale, also, you just get Yale emblazoned mail.
你会得到很多——当你在耶鲁大学工作时，你也会收到带有耶鲁大学印章的邮件。
And so you're like, oh, OK, whatever.
所以你就像，哦，好吧，无论如何。
It was like this thin thing, and I was like, oh, they changed locations or something.
就像这个薄薄的东西，我当时想，哦，他们换了地点什么的。
It's like, this is not important.
就好像，这并不重要。
And instead of just setting it aside, I happened to open it.
我没有把它放在一边，而是碰巧打开了它。
And I was furious.
我很愤怒。
And it says, Dear Kathleen Garrison, I'm writing to you in my role as director of Yale Reproductive Endocrinology and Infertility to let you know that we have learned of an event that may have involved your care.
上面写着，亲爱的凯瑟琳·加里森（Kathleen Garrison），我以耶鲁大学生殖内分泌和不孕不育科主任的身份写信给您，是为了让您知道我们已经了解到可能涉及您的护理的事件。
That they've become aware that the nurse was switching out the fentanyl with the saline.
他们已经意识到护士用生理盐水代替了芬太尼。
As a result, some patients may have received saline instead of the intended narcotic medication during their procedures.
因此，一些患者在手术过程中可能接受的是生理盐水而不是预期的麻醉药物。
While there's no reason to believe that this event has had any negative effect on your health or the outcome of the care that you received, we believe that you should be informed.
虽然没有理由相信此事件对您的健康或您接受的护理结果产生任何负面影响，但我们认为您应该被告知。
They make this stupid comment in the letter that there was no harm done from this happening.
他们在信中做出了愚蠢的评论，称这件事的发生并没有造成任何伤害。
And I don't know if Holl was home or I called her.
我不知道霍尔是否在家，或者我给她打过电话。
And I was like, bullshit.
我当时想，废话。
No harm done?
没有造成伤害吗？
Don't send me a letter and tell me that we're confident no one's outcomes were affected by this.
不要给我写信并告诉我我们确信没有人的结果受到此影响。
I know my outcomes were affected by this.
我知道我的结果受到了影响。
I know what I experienced and went through.
我知道我经历过什么。
But Yale wasn't going to help me.
但耶鲁不会帮助我。
They didn't think there was harm.
他们并不认为这有什么坏处。
They didn't think it was a problem that it was the most-- honestly, I think it was one of the most disrespectful ways they probably could have notified any of us that it had happened.
他们并不认为这是一个最严重的问题——老实说，我认为这是他们通知我们任何人这件事发生的最不尊重的方式之一。
That, oh, we had this little breach, and you're fine.
那个，哦，我们有这个小突破，你没事。
No biggie.
没什么大不了的。
Go about your day.
继续你的一天。
Again, no one reached out to talk with us or to see what we experienced as patients.
再次，没有人主动与我们交谈或了解我们作为患者的经历。
My only communication about it was through the letter.
我对此的唯一沟通是通过这封信。
And that's still to this day.
直到今天仍然如此。
And yet, in addition to fury, there's also vindication.
然而，除了愤怒之外，还有平反。
When they learn the news, however they learn it, the women text their twin sister or run inside to their husband or weep in their kitchen.
当她们得知这个消息时，无论她们是如何得知的，她们都会给她们的双胞胎姐妹发短信，或者跑到她们的丈夫身边，或者在厨房里哭泣。
It was mind blowing.
这真是令人兴奋。
I immediately called my mother.
我立即给妈妈打电话。
I immediately called my sister-in-law.
我立即给嫂子打电话。
And I'm like, oh.
我想，哦。
Like, I don't know.
就像，我不知道。
Something had just hit.
刚刚有什么东西击中了。
Like, it all makes sense now.
就像，现在一切都有意义了。
And it was like, OK, it all makes sense.
就好像，好吧，这一切都是有道理的。
It was almost a relief, a relief to know I'm not crazy.
这几乎是一种解脱，一种知道我没有疯的解脱。
There's nothing wrong with my body.
我的身体没有任何问题。
I don't have something blocking opioids or where my body is wrong and doesn't react to medicine.
我没有阻止阿片类药物的药物，或者我的身体有问题并且对药物没有反应。
And but it also shows how much they ignored my pleas for help and saying-- like, nobody believed me.
但这也表明他们是多么忽视我的帮助请求，并说——就像，没有人相信我。
And so, in a sense, it was like relief, just knowing that what I felt was real.
因此，从某种意义上说，我知道自己的感受是真实的，这就像一种解脱。
The law enforcement investigation and our own review have found no reason to believe that you were exposed to an infection due to this event.
执法调查和我们自己的审查没有发现任何理由相信您因该事件而受到感染。
Even so, we can appreciate that you may want further reassurance.
即便如此，我们还是理解您可能需要进一步的保证。
And if you wish, we will arrange for you to be tested for a group of bloodborne infections at no charge.
如果您愿意，我们将安排您免费接受一组血源性感染检测。
Those words, not alarmed, but perplexed and surprised, came back to me, right?
我回想起这句话时，不是惊慌，而是困惑和惊讶，对吗？
And you just feel like so completely let down by this institution that's supposed to make you feel safe and, I mean, keep you safe, right?
你只是对这个机构感到非常失望，这个机构应该让你感到安全，我的意思是，保证你的安全，对吧？
An institution that's supposed to keep you safe, right?
一个应该保证你安全的机构，对吗？
That was gone.
那已经消失了。
But maybe the most remarkable thing about the letter is the way it addresses pain.
但这封信最引人注目的地方也许是它解决痛苦的方式。
It seems to be saying, you did not feel what you felt.
似乎在说，你没有感受到你所感受到的。
I also want to assure you that the fertility center routinely uses a combination of pain medications during procedures.
我还想向您保证，生育中心在手术过程中通常会使用止痛药的组合。
We closely monitor patients for signs of discomfort during every procedure and adjust medications or add medications as needed.
我们在每次手术过程中密切监测患者是否有不适迹象，并根据需要调整药物或添加药物。
In this way, we can be confident that our patients stay comfortable, even if one medication is not working.
通过这种方式，我们可以确信，即使一种药物不起作用，我们的患者也能保持舒适。
Well, I don't believe that accurately describes my experience.
嗯，我不认为这准确地描述了我的经历。
[LAUGHS] And then it goes on to say if you have any questions or want a blood test, here's who you can call.
[笑]然后它继续说，如果您有任何疑问或想要进行血液检查，您可以致电给谁。
The women put the letter on the counter in shock.
女人们震惊地把信放在柜台上。
For months, they'd been constructing their own stories about what happened to them.
几个月来，他们一直在编造自己的故事，讲述发生在他们身上的事情。
Now they have Yale's story, which is that this is barely a story at all.
现在他们有了耶鲁大学的故事，这根本就不是一个故事。
The questions the patients have been asking all along have a new focus.
患者一直以来提出的问题有了新的焦点。
As soon as I received that letter, it's like, how does this happen?
当我收到那封信时，我就想，这是怎么发生的？
And how does it happen at Yale, a hospital system with such a great reputation?
耶鲁大学这样一个享有盛誉的医院系统又是如何发生这种情况的呢？
And how did it happen for so long?
而且这么长时间是怎么发生的？
So many things had to go wrong for this to happen as long as it did.
要让这种情况持续发生，必须有很多事情出错。
How does an entire facility let this happen?
整个设施如何让这种情况发生？
Who trained them?
谁训练了他们？
Who thought that this was OK?
谁认为这样就可以了？
I get sent home with-- I get packages in the mail with sharp needle containers and strict instructions and alcohol swabs and this crazy protocol that I'm expected to do at home.
我被送回家——我收到了邮寄的包裹，里面有锋利的针头容器、严格的说明和酒精棉签，还有我需要在家做的疯狂协议。
They make you double check things.
他们让你仔细检查事情。
Are there puncture marks?
有刺穿痕迹吗？
And I'm like, did I really spend more time following directions at home for hormone shots?
我想，我真的花了更多时间在家里按照指示注射激素吗？
Like, where were they?
就像，他们在哪里？
I think my immediate reaction was, how could this happen at Yale?
我想我的第一反应是，这种事怎么会发生在耶鲁？
Why wasn't there a better system in place to prevent it or detect it when it was happening and respond?
为什么没有一个更好的系统来防止它或在它发生时检测它并做出响应？
Why wasn't our pain listened to?
为什么我们的痛苦没有被倾听？
The women wonder about the system that failed them, but there's something very intimate and human that they are wondering about, too.
女性们对这个让她们失望的制度感到好奇，但她们也对一些非常亲密和人性化的东西感到好奇。
We were notified that it was a nurse.
我们被告知这是一名护士。
We didn't have the name of the nurse in that original letter.
原来的信中没有护士的名字。
And so it's sort of racing through your mind, like, well, which nurse?
所以你的脑海中就会浮现这样的想法，比如，哪位护士？
Because you build such a strong relationship with these people.
因为你与这些人建立了如此牢固的关系。
And you see them so often.
而且你经常见到他们。
And you trust them and build a relationship.
你信任他们并建立了关系。
And so you're thinking like, well, which nurse could this have been?
所以你会想，这可能是哪位护士？
And then you're showing up, and OK, who's not here anymore?
然后你出现了，好吧，谁不再在这里了？
Who's gone?
谁走了？
And just trying to figure out who it was.
只是想弄清楚那人是谁。
The patients know what happened.
病人都知道发生了什么。
They're about to find out who did it.
他们正要找出是谁干的。
That's next.
接下来就是了。
Susan Burton.
苏珊·伯顿。
As Susan said in the show, Yale declined to answer any of her questions about what happened in this case or about what they've done to address the issues that it raises.
正如苏珊在节目中所说，耶鲁大学拒绝回答她有关此案发生的情况或他们为解决该案所提出的问题所采取的措施的任何问题。
But they did send her a statement that they've sent to other journalists.
但他们确实向她发送了一份声明，并已发送给其他记者。
It states, quote, "Yale deeply regrets the distress suffered by some of its patients." It says that Yale alerted law enforcement about the, quote, "diverted pain medication." And it says that Yale Fertility Center, quote, "also reviewed its procedures and made changes to further oversight of pain control and controlled substances."
它指出，“耶鲁大学对一些患者遭受的痛苦深感遗憾。”据称，耶鲁大学向执法部门通报了“止痛药被转移”的情况。据称，耶鲁生育中心“还审查了其程序，并做出了改变，以进一步监督疼痛控制和受控药物。”
You can get other episodes of The Retrievals wherever you get your podcasts.
无论您在何处获取播客，都可以获取《检索》的其他剧集。
If you're a New York Times subscriber and you haven't tried their audio app yet, you really should check it out.
如果您是《纽约时报》订阅者并且还没有尝试过他们的音频应用程序，那么您确实应该检查一下。
You can find The Retrievals on there.
您可以在那里找到检索。
Later episodes of the show cover the criminal case and the judge's decision, which is fascinating, really fascinating and very telling in its own way.
该剧的后续剧集涵盖了刑事案件和法官的判决，非常引人入胜，非常引人入胜，而且以自己的方式讲述了故事。
The way this plays out feels very meaningful.
这种表现方式让人感觉非常有意义。
And of course, like Susan said, there's way more about the nurse who took the fentanyl, who, the patients learn, had been a fertility patient herself.
当然，正如苏珊所说，关于服用芬太尼的护士还有更多的事情，病人了解到，她自己也是一名生育患者。
So presumably, she understood the procedure that all of them went through and understood the stress and the feelings that anybody has during it and how they might feel getting it without anesthesia.
所以想必，她了解他们所有人经历的手术过程，了解每个人在手术过程中所承受的压力和感受，以及他们在没有麻醉的情况下接受手术时的感受。
The Retrievals is produced by Susan Burton and Laura Starecheski.
《检索》由苏珊·伯顿和劳拉·斯塔切斯基制作。
It's edited by Laura Starecheski with Julie Snyder.
该书由劳拉·斯塔莱切斯基 (Laura Starecheski) 和朱莉·斯奈德 (Julie Snyder) 编辑。
Additional editing from Miki Meek, Katie Mingle, and me.
由 Miki Meek、Katie Mingle 和我进行额外编辑。
Fact-checkers, Ben Phelan and Caitlin Love.
事实核查员本·费兰 (Ben Phelan) 和凯特琳·洛芙 (Caitlin Love)。
Original score composed by Carla Pallone.
卡拉·帕隆创作的原创配乐。
Music supervision, sound design, and mixing by Phoebe Wang.
Phoebe Wang 担任音乐监督、声音设计和混音。
Special thanks to Lisa Schuman, Calvin Hocker, Katie Fuchs, Kiley Silver, Dr. Marcelle Cedars, Dr. Maggie Smith, and Sam Dolnick.
特别感谢 Lisa Schuman、Calvin Hocker、Katie Fuchs、Kiley Silver、Marcelle Cedars 博士、Maggie Smith 博士和 Sam Dolnick。
Bim Adewunmi, Mike Comite, Alaa Mostafa, Stowe Nelson, and Matt Tierney put together this episode of our show.
Bim Adewunmi、Mike Comite、Alaa Mostafa、Stowe Nelson 和 Matt Tierney 整理了我们节目的这一集。
Our website, thisamericanlife.org.
我们的网站 thisamericanlife.org。
This American Life is delivered to public radio stations by PRX, the Public Radio Exchange.
《美国生活》由公共广播电台 PRX 向公共广播电台播出。
Thanks, as always, to our program's confounder, Mr Torey Malatia.
一如既往地感谢我们计划的混淆者 Torey Malatia 先生。
I'm Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯。
Back next week with more stories of This American Life.
下周我们将带来更多《美国生活》的故事。
This American Life is produced in collaboration with WBEZ Chicago and delivered to stations by PRX The Public Radio Exchange.
《This American Life》与 WBEZ Chicago 合作制作，并由 PRX 公共广播电台传送到各电台。