790: You're It - This American Life
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00:00 00:00 Transcript Share This American Life Life Partners How to Listen Episodes Recommended About Overview Staff Announcements Fellowships Jobs Music Make Radio On The Road FAQ Submissions Merch Contact Us Our Other Shows Merch Follow Us Life Partners Subscribe to our newsletter Full episode Toggle Audio and Transcript Sync Transcript | Episode #790 | January 27, 2023 790: You're It Note: This American Life is produced for the ear and designed to be heard.
00:00 00:00 文字记录 分享此 美国生活 生活伙伴 如何收听 剧集 推荐 关于 概述 员工公告 奖学金 工作 音乐 在路上制作电台 常见问题解答 提交 商品 联系我们 我们的其他节目 商品 关注我们 生活伙伴 订阅我们的时事通讯 整集 切换音频和文字记录同步 文字记录 | 内容第 790 集 | 2023 年 1 月 27 日 790：You're It 注意：《This American Life》是为耳朵而制作的，旨在让人们听到。
If you are able, we strongly encourage you to listen to the audio, which includes emotion and emphasis that's not on the page.
如果可以的话，我们强烈建议您收听音频，其中包括页面上没有的情感和重点。
Transcripts are generated using a combination of speech recognition software and human transcribers, and may contain errors.
文字记录是使用语音识别软件和人工转录员结合生成的，可能包含错误。
Please check the corresponding audio before quoting in print.
请在印刷版引用前检查相应的音频。
Prologue: Prologue Ira Glass Kelsay Irby isn't somebody who likes being in the spotlight-- in fact, kind of the opposite.
序言：序言 艾拉·格拉斯 (Ira Glass) 凯尔赛·艾比 (Kelsay Irby) 不喜欢成为众人瞩目的焦点——事实上，恰恰相反。
And she wasn't looking to get in the newspaper the night that she did the thing that got her national attention.
当她做了引起全国关注的事情的那天晚上，她并不想登上报纸。
She was just showing up to work like normal at the emergency room at a hospital an hour or so outside Seattle, St. Michael's Medical Center.
她刚刚像往常一样出现在西雅图郊外圣迈克尔医疗中心一小时左右的医院急诊室上班。
So that night when I came in at 7:00, I was looking at the number of patients that were there, which was high.
所以那天晚上，当我 7:00 进来时，我查看了那里的病人数量，数量很高。
Like really high.
就像真的很高。
People were all over the lobby in a messy chaos, sitting in wheelchairs because there weren't enough regular chairs, sitting on the floor, sick kids and their parents, ambulance crews with patients waiting to be seen.
大厅里到处都是一片狼藉，人们坐在轮椅上，因为没有足够的普通椅子，坐在地板上，生病的孩子和他们的父母，救护人员和等待就诊的病人。
Kelsay says it was like an airport gate where the flight's just been canceled.
凯尔赛说，这就像机场门口，航班刚刚被取消。
A lot of dissatisfaction, a lot of unrest.
很多不满，很多不安。
And she was short-staffed.
而且她人手短缺。
Kelsay is the charge nurse.
凯尔赛是护士长。
So it's her job to make sure all these patients get seen and that she has enough staff to do that, which has been a problem since COVID at hospitals all over the country, hers included.
因此，她的工作就是确保所有这些患者都能得到诊治，并且她有足够的工作人员来做到这一点，自新冠疫情以来，这一直是全国各地医院（包括她的医院）面临的一个问题。
So many nurses burned out and left the profession since COVID that it's left hospitals perpetually short-staffed, which, Kelsay points out, makes the job that much more stressful for the nurses who stayed and leads to more of them saying that they can't take it, throwing in the towel, making the problem worse.
凯尔赛指出，自新冠疫情以来，许多护士精疲力尽并离开了这个行业，导致医院永远人手短缺，这使得留下来的护士的工作压力更大，导致更多的人表示自己无法接受，认输，从而使问题变得更糟。
The people who run Kelsay's hospitals say their staffing levels are in line with national standards and best practices.
凯尔赛医院的经营者表示，他们的人员配备水平符合国家标准和最佳实践。
But Kelsay says, typically, she only has half the nurses she should have for the night shift-- half.
但凯尔赛说，通常情况下，她只配备了夜班护士的一半——一半。
So I was already short-staffed.
所以我已经人手不足了。
And then I was going to be two more down.
然后我又落后了两场。
Two of my 7:00 nurses had called in sick.
我的 7:00 护士中有两名请病假。
And if that weren't enough, they'd had a cyberattack.
如果这还不够，他们还遭受了网络攻击。
This was a ransomware attack this past October at one of the largest nonprofit hospital chains in the country.
这是去年 10 月针对美国最大的非营利连锁医院之一的勒索软件攻击。
CommonSpirit Health, which meant that, suddenly, they couldn't access patients' medical records on the computer for two weeks.
CommonSpirit Health，这意味着他们突然两周内无法在计算机上访问患者的医疗记录。
I cannot overstate how chaotic that made things and how much it slowed us down.
我无法夸大这让事情变得多么混乱以及它让我们放慢了多少速度。
Normally she keeps track of everybody in the lobby by opening their charts in the computer where she can see if they have lab results yet and get the basic information to figure out who can wait longer and who needs care right away.
通常，她通过在计算机中打开图表来跟踪大厅中的每个人，她可以查看他们是否有实验室结果，并获取基本信息，以确定谁可以等待更长时间以及谁需要立即护理。
And I can see if I need to keep my eye on this patient, or this patient came in for chest pain, but they got punched in the chest by their brother.
我可以看看我是否需要留意这个病人，或者这个病人是因为胸痛来的，但他们的胸部被他们的兄弟打了一拳。
You know, chances are that it's probably not a heart attack.
你知道，这很可能不是心脏病发作。
But because we didn't have our computer system, I wasn't able to see anything other than just "chest pain." Yeah, so--
但因为我们没有计算机系统，所以除了“胸痛”之外我看不到任何东西。是的，所以——
Wow.
哇。
Kelsay Irby And I couldn't see vital signs.
凯尔赛·厄比（Kelsay Irby） 我看不到生命体征。
I couldn't see labs.
我看不到实验室。
I couldn't see anything about the patient's history.
我看不到任何关于病人病史的信息。
That is very much like a pilot, you know, flying without instruments in a foggy, stormy night.
你知道，这很像一名飞行员，在雾蒙蒙、暴风雨的夜晚，在没有仪表的情况下飞行。
I can't tell as you describe this-- I can't tell, like, is this just a really bad night?
正如你所描述的那样，我无法判断——我无法判断，这只是一个非常糟糕的夜晚吗？
Or is this like the worst you'd ever seen?
或者这是您见过的最糟糕的情况吗？
It was the worst I'd ever seen for all of those reasons.
由于所有这些原因，这是我见过的最糟糕的情况。
I just felt like it had the potential to be a huge catastrophe.
我只是觉得这有可能成为一场巨大的灾难。
The thing that we always worry about the most and the thing that we say a lot when we are short-staffed is we are one bad car accident away from people dying.
我们总是最担心的事情，也是在人手短缺时经常说的事情是，我们离一场严重的车祸就意味着死亡。
And not long ago, we had a hospital here in the area who actually had a patient die in the lobby, in the waiting room in the ER.
不久前，我们该地区的一家医院实际上有一名病人死在大厅的急诊室候诊室里。
Actually, the patient, a 41-year-old woman, became unresponsive in the waiting room and then was pronounced dead when she got into an ER bed.
事实上，这名患者是一名 41 岁的女性，她在候诊室里失去了知觉，当她进入急诊室时被宣布死亡。
And that's a huge-- that's a huge fear.
这是一个巨大的恐惧。
I'm just terrified that we're going to go out there and find somebody dead.
我只是害怕我们出去后会发现有人死了。
She realized she just had to get more nurses to cover these cases.
她意识到她只需要聘请更多护士来处理这些病例。
So she did the normal things that a charge nurse is supposed to do in that situation.
所以她做了护士长在这种情况下应该做的正常事情。
First, she checked with the hospital supervisor, a.k.a.
首先，她咨询了医院主管，也就是医院主管。
the house mom.
房子的妈妈。
I don't know what we'll ever do if it's a guy because the "house mom" is really the term.
我不知道如果是个男人我们会怎么做，因为“家庭妈妈”确实是这个词。
The house mom has the power to send somebody from elsewhere in the hospital to help out in the ER for a few hours-- nurses, lab techs who can draw blood, transport staff, anybody.
住院妈妈有权从医院其他地方派人到急诊室帮忙几个小时——护士、抽血的实验室技术人员、运输人员，任何人。
So she reaches the house mom.
于是她到达了房子的妈妈那里。
And that night, there was nothing.
而那天晚上，什么也没有。
There was no available help to be had.
没有可用的帮助。
Second thing she tries, she asked that they page every single person who works for the ER, see if anybody who's not working will come in.
她尝试的第二件事是，她要求他们给每个在急诊室工作的人传呼，看看是否有不工作的人会进来。
Nobody says yes.
没有人说是。
Third thing, she asks if they can divert ambulances to other hospitals so they're not adding to the patient count in her emergency room.
第三件事，她询问他们是否可以将救护车转移到其他医院，这样就不会增加她急诊室的病人数量。
But she's told, no, computers are down at the hospital they would send patients to and they're struggling also.
但她被告知，不，他们送病人去的医院的电脑坏了，他们也陷入困境。
Fourth thing, there's an ambulance company that the ER has a contract with and has called in, in the past, in exactly this kind of situation where they're short-staffed.
第四件事，急诊室与一家救护车公司签有合同，并且过去曾在这种情况下呼叫过他们人手短缺的情况。
To help us take vital signs on patients in the lobby or just do a tour of the lobby and just check on everybody.
帮助我们在大厅里测量病人的生命体征，或者只是参观大厅并检查每个人。
Those are things that helps us process patients faster.
这些可以帮助我们更快地处理患者。
But the ambulance company was too busy to send anybody.
但救护车公司太忙，无法派人前往。
So she tried four things, all the normal things you're supposed to do.
所以她尝试了四件事，都是你应该做的正常事情。
Four things failed.
有四件事失败了。
Was there any place else she could turn for more help?
她还有其他地方可以寻求更多帮助吗？
Then she got an idea, the thing that landed her in the papers.
然后她有了一个想法，这让她登上了报纸。
She called 911.
她拨打了 911。
The headlines basically were, ER nurse calls 911 for help.
头条新闻基本上是，急诊室护士拨打 911 寻求帮助。
Though, I should say, she did not actually dial the numbers 9 then 1 then 1.
不过，我应该说，她实际上并没有拨打数字 9、1、1。
She has a regular phone number that you can call and just talk to the 911 dispatcher.
她有一个常规电话号码，您可以拨打该号码并与 911 调度员通话。
It wasn't like a momentous decision-making process for me.
对我来说这并不是一个重大的决策过程。
It was just desperation.
这只是绝望。
[BEEP] 911 Dispatcher Central communications, how can I help you?
[BEEP] 911 调度中心通讯，有什么可以帮您的吗？
Hey, this is Kelsay over at St. Mike's in the ED.
嘿，我是圣迈克医院急诊室的凯尔赛。
I am calling to see if you guys have any available crews that can come in and help us in our lobby.
我打电话是想看看你们是否有工作人员可以进来并在大厅为我们提供帮助。
We are drowning.
我们快要淹死了。
OK, yeah, I don't know what hoops I have to jump through, but my house mom is drowning as well.
好吧，是的，我不知道我要经历什么困难，但我的妈妈也淹死了。
So I thought, I'm just going to call and see what I might be able to make happen.
所以我想，我只是打电话看看我能做些什么。
Can I just say the thing that really strikes me is you sound so calm.
我只能说，真正让我印象深刻的是你听起来如此平静。
And that is really kind of part of the job description of being the charge nurse.
这确实是护士长工作描述的一部分。
And I've been like that my whole life, even as a kid.
我一生都是这样，即使是小时候也是如此。
In the moment of crisis, I tend to stay pretty calm and focused and get home and cry.
在危机时刻，我倾向于保持冷静和专注，然后回家哭泣。
Did you go home and cry at the end of this night?
今晚你回家哭了吗？
That night and, yeah, though it wasn't the only time that I went home and cried during that week.
那天晚上，是的，尽管这不是我那一周唯一一次回家哭泣。
How many patients are there?
有多少病人？
Kelsay Irby Right now I have, it looks like, about-- so I have about-- so in the lobby, I have two nurses for about 45 patients, which is horrible.
Kelsay Irby 现在，我有，看起来，关于——所以我有——所以在大厅里，我有两名护士照顾大约 45 名病人，这太可怕了。
And I can hear it in my voice.
我可以从我的声音中听到它。
I can hear my alarm.
我能听到我的闹钟。
Even though it sounds to the outsider that I sound like I'm really calm, I can hear little things in my voice that tell me that I'm freaking out, and I'm trying to hide it.
尽管在外人看来我听起来很平静，但我可以从我的声音中听出一些小东西，告诉我我很害怕，而我正在努力隐藏它。
Yeah, yeah, tell me what you're hearing that gives that away to you.
是的，是的，告诉我你所听到的是什么，这让你暴露了这一点。
The laughter, really, is the thing that gives that away to me.
确实，笑声让我明白了这一点。
I mean, I know it's like unprecedented times, unprecedented request, but I figured it was worth a shot.
我的意思是，我知道这是前所未有的时代，前所未有的要求，但我认为值得一试。
Right-- Kelsay Irby A little nervous laugh, kind of like, I don't know what else to do.
对——Kelsay Irby 有点紧张的笑声，有点像，我不知道还能做什么。
It's almost like I am-- I'm throwing myself at your mercy because I have no, I have no other options.
这几乎就像我——我把自己交给你摆布，因为我没有，我没有其他选择。
What's your name?
你叫什么名字？
Kelsay Irby Kelsay.
凯尔赛·艾尔比·凯尔赛。
I'm a charge nurse tonight.
今晚我是一名护士长。
Lucky me.
幸运的是我。
OK.
好的。
OK.
好的。
Yeah, I'm going to see what we can do here.
是的，我要看看我们能在这里做什么。
911 decides to help her out.
911 决定帮助她。
They sent an ambulance crew with three people.
他们派出了一支救护人员和三人。
The three of them work the lobby, help monitor and process patients.
他们三人在大厅工作，帮助监控和处理病人。
They're there for nearly two hours, which is enough to get Kelsay over the hump.
他们在那里待了近两个小时，这足以让凯尔赛渡过难关。
Afterwards, when nurses around the country hear about this, they call Kelsay a shero, they reach out to her.
后来，当全国各地的护士听说这件事时，他们称凯尔赛为英雄，并向她伸出援手。
Some of them said, thanks for the idea, call 911.
他们中的一些人说，谢谢你的主意，请拨打 911。
I'm going to keep that one in mind just in case.
我会记住这一点以防万一。
Did it seem heroic to you, what you did?
你的所作所为对你来说是否显得很英雄？
Not at all.
一点也不。
Not at all.
一点也不。
I don't see it that way.
我不这么认为。
And I just saw it as solving a problem, doing my job trying to solve a problem.
我只是将其视为解决问题，尽我的职责试图解决问题。
She was the charge nurse.
她是护士长。
It was on her to figure things out.
她得把事情弄清楚。
She basically raised her hand when she took the job and said, I'm it, and then had to deal with everything that followed, stuff she never predicted or imagined, which is true of everybody in our show today.
当她接受这份工作时，她基本上举起手说，我就是了，然后必须处理接下来的一切，她从未预料到或想象到的事情，这对我们今天节目中的每个人来说都是如此。
We have stories where people are like, oh, I'm going to be the one to fix that.
我们有一些故事，人们会说，哦，我将成为解决这个问题的人。
And only later did they really discover, to their surprise, what that can really entail.
直到后来，令他们惊讶的是，他们才真正发现了这到底意味着什么。
Even when you think you see things coming, you've got it under control, that's who you are, you do not see things coming.
即使当你认为你看到事情即将发生时，你也已经控制住了它，这就是你，你看不到事情即将发生。
From WBEZ Chicago, it's This American Life.
来自芝加哥 WBEZ 的《This American Life》。
I'm Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯。
Stay with us.
留在我们身边。
Act One, Every day is Father's Day.
第一幕，每一天都是父亲节。
Family relationships, they get set in certain patterns that usually just harden over time.
家庭关系有一定的模式，通常会随着时间的推移而变得更加牢固。
I heard somebody recently used the word "cooked" to describe their relationship with a parent.
我听说最近有人用“熟”这个词来形容他们与父母的关系。
That relationship is cooked, it's done, it's not going to change.
这种关系已经熟了，已经完成了，不会改变。
Megan Tan felt that way about her and her dad.
梅根·谭对她和她的父亲也有这样的感觉。
For years, they'd been distant.
多年来，他们一直疏远。
He was super critical of her.
他对她非常挑剔。
She stopped engaging, moved across the country, stayed away.
她不再参与，搬到全国各地，远离了。
And then something happened that made Megan decide to try to uncook the relationship, to remake it with different ingredients, which is one of the things that you just can't tell how it's going to go till you try.
然后发生了一些事情，让梅根决定尝试解除这段关系，用不同的成分重新构建它，这是你不尝试就无法知道它会如何发展的事情之一。
Here's Megan.
这是梅根。
My relationship with my father has always felt tail-chasing, like we can never get close.
我和父亲的关系一直给人一种追尾的感觉，就像我们永远无法亲近一样。
It just didn't work.
它只是不起作用。
We're pretty different.
我们很不一样。
And he'll be the first to tell you how.
他将是第一个告诉你如何做的人。
This is a call from 2021.
这是 2021 年的电话。
Yeah.
是的。
Vincent 'Cause you cry out in the open.
文森特 因为你在公开场合哭泣。
I do cry out in the open.
我确实在露天哭泣。
[CHUCKLING] What about you?
[咯咯笑]你呢？
When do you cry?
你什么时候哭？
Do you cry ever?
你有哭过吗？
Don't compare.
不要比较。
I don't cry.
我不哭。
I hardly cry.
我几乎不哭。
Oh, why?
哦，为什么？
Vincent That's me.
文森特 那就是我。
That's the way I was brought up.
我就是这样长大的。
"That's the way I was brought up," he says.
“我就是这样长大的，”他说。
But it's hard to get him to say more than that.
但很难让他说更多的话。
It's conversations like this that remind me I'm always getting to know my father.
正是这样的谈话提醒我，我总是在了解我的父亲。
When I was little, he didn't teach us the language he grew up speaking.
当我小的时候，他没有教我们他从小就讲的语言。
So I thought one way we could become close is if I learned Mandarin Chinese.
所以我想我们可以变得亲密的一种方法就是学习普通话。
When I was a freshman in college, I spent a whole year in the library learning how to write characters, doing rote memorization, burning phrases into my brain.
当我大学一年级的时候，我在图书馆花了整整一年的时间学习如何写字、死记硬背、把短语刻进大脑。
[SPEAKING IN MANDARIN] Vincent [SPEAKING IN MANDARIN] Happy New Year, that's common thing people [INAUDIBLE].
[用普通话]文森特[用普通话]新年快乐，这是人们常做的事情[听不清]。
Over the phone, I remind him of what happened my first break home from college.
在电话里，我提醒他我大学第一次放假回家时发生的事情。
We sat across the table and I showed off my new skills.
我们坐在桌子对面，我展示了我的新技能。
I wanted to learn Chinese because I was trying to understand you and trying to get closer to you.
我想学中文，因为我想了解你，想靠近你。
And then I studied and studied and studied.
然后我学习了，研究了，研究了。
And then I came home.
然后我回到家。
That was the first time you ever told me that you didn't speak Chinese.
那是你第一次告诉我你不会说中文。
Yep.
是的。
Surprise.
惊喜。
Megan Tan "Surprise," he says.
梅根·谭“惊喜”，他说。
And, yeah, I was surprised, shocked, really.
是的，我真的很惊讶、震惊。
Especially when I said, [SPEAKING IN MANDARIN] and he said, I have no idea what you're saying.
尤其是当我说，[用普通话]，他说，我不知道你在说什么。
I was 18 years old when my dad told me for the first time he spoke Teochew.
当我父亲第一次告诉我他说潮州话时，我才18岁。
In the end, he told me I should learn Spanish instead.
最后，他告诉我我应该学习西班牙语。
It's more practical in America.
在美国更实用。
I suppose this is when I should share some warm childhood memories of my dad.
我想这是我应该分享一些关于我父亲的温暖童年回忆的时候。
But when I reach back in my memory, I don't really see him.
但当我回想起我的记忆时，我并没有真正看到他。
I don't see him at my birthday parties, volleyball games, or academic award ceremonies.
我在生日聚会、排球比赛或学术颁奖典礼上都没有见到他。
He was pretty closed off, icy, shuttered.
他非常封闭、冰冷、封闭。
I remember how he always said "no," how walking around him meant you walked softly.
我记得他总是说“不”，在他周围走动意味着你要轻轻地走。
I remember his mood swings and how nothing I did felt like it was enough.
我记得他的情绪波动，以及我觉得我所做的一切都不够。
I would tell him I got all A's.
我会告诉他我得了全A。
He would say, but you didn't do the dishes.
他会说，但你没有洗碗。
I would pay for my own ballet classes.
我会支付自己的芭蕾舞课程费用。
He would say, why are you wasting money on exercising?
他会说，你为什么要浪费钱去锻炼呢？
By the time, I went to college I had accepted how things were between us.
当我上大学时，我已经接受了我们之间的关系。
I tried not to tell him anything I cared about because I didn't think he really cared to listen.
我试着不告诉他任何我关心的事情，因为我认为他并不想听。
He didn't really want to know me.
他并不是真的想认识我。
But we always stayed in touch, even though it was pretty surface.
但我们始终保持联系，尽管只是表面的联系。
I would call him, check in.
我会打电话给他，检查一下。
Then, in 2021, my dad sunk into a deep depression.
然后，到了 2021 年，我父亲陷入了深深的抑郁之中。
He was in such a dark place my older sister Kristel called me.
我的姐姐克里斯特尔称我为他，他处于一个黑暗的地方。
She's in Ohio.
她在俄亥俄州。
I'm all the way in LA.
我一直在洛杉矶。
She didn't know what to do.
她不知道该怎么办。
I felt for my father.
我为我的父亲感到难过。
So I made him a part of my daily routine.
所以我让他成为我日常生活的一部分。
I would call him every morning to remind him someone was thinking of him.
我每天早上都会给他打电话，提醒他有人在想念他。
In January of 2022, I call my father three times and he doesn't respond.
2022年1月，我给父亲打了3通电话，但他没有接听。
Wednesday, nothing.
星期三，没什么。
Saturday, I leave a message.
星期六，我留言。
Monday, I leave another message.
星期一，我又留言了。
Just as I'm putting my phone down, he calls me back.
正当我放下手机时，他给我回了电话。
Hello?
你好？
Dad?
爸爸？
His voice is scratchy and dry.
他的声音沙哑而干燥。
I can barely hear what he's saying.
我几乎听不清他在说什么。
He's calling me from the floor.
他在地板上给我打电话。
What do you mean you're on the floor?
你在地板上是什么意思？
He fell.
他摔倒了。
He's been on the floor for five days.
他已经在场上呆了五天了。
I'm panicking.
我很恐慌。
I keep my dad on my phone while I call Kristel with my boyfriend's phone.
当我用男朋友的电话给克里斯特尔打电话时，我让父亲拿着我的电话。
She says she's rushing over and hangs up.
她说她正赶过去，然后就挂断了电话。
On the line with my dad, I keep him talking.
我和父亲通电话，让他继续说话。
I listen closely to his breathing.
我仔细聆听他的呼吸。
Then I hear everything unfold.
然后我听到一切都展开了。
Through his phone, I hear my sister come into his apartment.
通过他的电话，我听到我妹妹走进他的公寓。
I hear her call 911.
我听到她拨打 911。
I hear medics rush through the door.
我听到医务人员冲进门。
They ask my father a few questions.
他们问了我父亲几个问题。
What's his name?
他叫什么名字？
Where does he live?
他住在哪里？
How old is he?
他几岁了？
I hear a stretcher unfold.
我听到担架展开的声音。
My sister picks up his phone and tells me she'll call me right back.
我姐姐拿起他的电话并告诉我她会立即给我回电话。
Click.
点击。
I call my sister and ask for updates every day.
我每天打电话给我姐姐询问最新情况。
The doctors don't know why my father fell.
医生不知道我父亲为什么摔倒。
They don't know if he had a heart attack or a stroke.
他们不知道他是否心脏病发作或中风。
My sister tells me he's barely awake.
我姐姐告诉我他刚刚醒。
He's having a hard time talking, walking, and going to the bathroom.
他说话、走路、上厕所都很困难。
After my dad is discharged from the hospital and checked into a rehabilitation facility, I buy a one-way plane ticket.
当我父亲出院并入住康复机构后，我买了一张单程机票。
I'm on my way back to my hometown in Ohio.
我正在返回俄亥俄州家乡的路上。
My dad is 75, but when I see him for the first time after his fall, he looks like he's 90.
我爸爸已经 75 岁了，但当我摔倒后第一次见到他时，他看起来就像 90 岁一样。
Usually, he's a round, big belly guy.
通常，他是一个圆圆的、大肚子的家伙。
But now his skin is hanging off his face.
但现在他的皮肤已经从脸上垂了下来。
His eyes are sunken in.
他的眼睛陷进去了。
His hair is unrecognizably long.
他的头发长得让人认不出来。
And he has a beard.
他有胡子。
I didn't even know he could grow a beard.
我什至不知道他会留胡子。
Beside him is a walker.
他旁边是一个步行者。
I quickly kiss him on the cheek and say, "Hi, Dad," pretending to be unfazed.
我飞快地吻了一下他的脸颊，假装若无其事地说：“嗨，爸爸。”
I'm coming in all smiles.
我满面笑容地来了。
I'm the youngest in my family, you know, the one who makes the jokes, who intentionally brings an upbeat Kimmi Schmidt, Ted Lasso can-do spirit to family gatherings.
我是家里最小的一个，你知道，我是一个爱开玩笑的人，他故意把乐观的 Kimmi Schmidt、Ted Lasso 的进取精神带到家庭聚会上。
I kind of thought when I touched down in Ohio I would be the sunshine that saves my family.
我有点想，当我降落在俄亥俄州时，我会成为拯救我家人的阳光。
I would swoop in, relieve my sister, help my dad bounce back to himself, and then be back on an airplane.
我会突然冲过去，解救我姐姐，帮助我爸爸恢复正常，然后再坐飞机回来。
My dad spends a couple of weeks at the rehabilitation facility and then moves back home to his apartment.
我父亲在康复机构呆了几周，然后搬回自己的公寓。
I start living with him temporarily.
我开始暂时和他住在一起。
I get him into a routine.
我让他养成习惯。
And every morning, I have him do an exercise he loathes.
每天早上，我都会让他做一项他讨厌的运动。
OK, smile three times.
好，笑三遍。
Ready?
准备好？
One.
一。
Nice, OK, rest.
很好，好的，休息吧。
All right, two.
好吧，两个。
Big teeth, big teeth, there you go.
大牙，大牙，就这样吧。
OK, three, mm.
好的，三个，嗯。
Big, big, big, cheese, cheese, cheese.
大，大，大，奶酪，奶酪，奶酪。
Beautiful.
美丽的。
Smiling looks good on you, Dad.
爸爸，你笑起来真好看。
I want his grin to remind him of the person he used to be, the person who moved across the world, Singapore to the US, as a 22 year old, totally alone to pursue a dream to attend college and study art.
我希望他的笑容能让他想起自己曾经的样子，那个22岁时从新加坡搬到美国、完全独自一人追求上大学和学习艺术梦想的人。
My father loved to draw.
我父亲喜欢画画。
He made his living drawing and drafting streets at a civil engineering firm.
他在一家土木工程公司以绘制街道为生。
When we were all sleeping, he'd sketch cartoons and figures on old newspapers.
当我们都睡觉时，他会在旧报纸上画漫画和人物。
I'd find them in the kitchen the next morning all over the metro section.
第二天早上我会在整个地铁区的厨房里找到它们。
After my dad retired, he would fly home to Singapore by himself to see his family.
我爸爸退休后，他会独自飞回新加坡看望家人。
He would cook incredible Chinese food, fill his sketchbooks with portraits, and he was always in the middle of some big biography.
他会烹制令人难以置信的中国菜，在他的素描本上画满肖像，而且他总是沉浸在一些大型传记的中间。
I want to say, Dad, that's who you are and that's who you can be again.
我想说，爸爸，这就是你，这就是你可以再次成为的人。
But he fights me.
但他跟我打架。
He says, "no" and "I can't." This becomes his default response to everything.
他说：“不”和“我不能”。这成为他对一切的默认反应。
I feel like he's the boulder and I'm Sisyphus.
我觉得他是巨石，我是西西弗斯。
It's weird to be in my hometown for more than three days.
在家乡呆了三天多，感觉很奇怪。
Usually, I'm in and I'm gone.
通常，我进来，我就走了。
As I accompany my sister and my dad to visit doctor after doctor, I feel like I'm getting a peek into their life together.
当我陪着姐姐和爸爸去看一个又一个的医生时，我觉得我正在一窥他们在一起的生活。
Kristel is 10 years older than me.
克里斯特尔比我大 10 岁。
When my parents got a divorce and sold our childhood home, she helped them sell it.
当我的父母离婚并卖掉我们童年的房子时，她帮助他们卖掉了它。
She helped my father move into his apartment, connected him to his doctor when he needed one.
她帮助我父亲搬进了他的公寓，并在他需要医生时为他联系了医生。
For most of our lives, Kristel has been the one shouldering the family responsibilities I've always avoided.
在我们一生的大部分时间里，克里斯特尔一直承担着我一直回避的家庭责任。
At one appointment, we visit my father's psychiatric nurse practitioner.
在一次预约中，我们拜访了我父亲的精神科执业护士。
After the three of us settle into her office, she directs her focus on my father.
我们三个人在她的办公室安顿下来后，她把注意力集中在我父亲身上。
She asks him some intimate questions about his health and how he's been feeling, his mood, his motivation.
她问了他一些关于他的健康状况、感觉如何、他的心情、他的动机的私密问题。
He answers honestly.
他诚实地回答。
He tells her he has nothing to live for, that there's no purpose in his life anymore, and that he feels lonely and isolated.
他告诉她，他没有活着的意义，他的生活不再有目的，他感到孤独和孤立。
I sit quietly and sink into the chair.
我静静地坐着，陷进椅子里。
My father would never say this to us directly, which is why I'm hearing it all for the first time.
我父亲永远不会直接对我们说这些，这就是为什么我第一次听到这一切。
A few minutes go by.
几分钟过去了。
And then the nurse turns to us.
然后护士转向我们。
Because of his weakness, poor balance, cloudy thinking, and general fatigue, he can't live alone anymore, she says.
她说，由于他身体虚弱、平衡能力差、思维混乱和全身疲劳，他无法再独自生活了。
She asks if he agrees.
她问他是否同意。
He does.
他做到了。
But he tells her he feels guilty about burdening us.
但他告诉她，他对给我们带来负担感到内疚。
She looks at us again, smiles, and says one more thing, he should probably move in with one of you.
她再次看着我们，微笑着，又说了一件事，他可能应该搬去和你们中的一个住在一起。
Kristel and I talk it through.
克里斯特尔和我仔细讨论了一下。
Dad could move in with her.
爸爸可以搬去和她一起住。
But, to be honest, I don't know if that's such a good idea.
但说实话，我不知道这是否是一个好主意。
She has a kid, multiple jobs.
她有一个孩子，身兼多职。
Her life is already so full, so stressful.
她的生活已经如此充实，压力如此之大。
But in LA, my apartment is on the first floor.
但在洛杉矶，我的公寓在一楼。
I have a walk-in shower, all the things he needs.
我有一个步入式淋浴间，有他需要的所有东西。
I could do it.
我能做到。
On my own, I decide, it has to be me.
我自己决定，必须是我。
It just does.
确实如此。
Instead of seeing this moment as a burden, I want to see it as an opportunity.
我不想将这一刻视为负担，而是将其视为机会。
My father and I could become closer if we live together.
如果我们住在一起，我和父亲会变得更加亲密。
But I need him to want this too.
但我需要他也想要这个。
So at a family meeting, I put living in LA on the table to see what he says.
所以在一次家庭会议上，我把住在洛杉矶的生活摆在了桌面上，看看他怎么说。
Two big questions, stay in Ohio or move to California.
两个大问题，留在俄亥俄州还是搬到加利福尼亚州。
It's like choose your own adventure.
这就像选择你自己的冒险。
Based on my health basis, I don't think I can do either one.
根据我的健康状况，我认为我不能做任何一件事。
That's not a part of-- Kristel That's not an option, Dad.
这不是——克里斯特尔的一部分，爸爸，这不是一个选择。
Yeah, and if you come to California, you would be staying with me.
是的，如果你来加利福尼亚，你就会和我住在一起。
You say, me and Megan, new roommate situation, [LAUGHS] OK?
你说，我和梅根，新室友的情况，[笑]好吗？
If you stay in Ohio, you would be either in a retirement facility--
如果你留在俄亥俄州，你要么在退休机构——
It's clear my dad doesn't want to commit to anything.
很明显我父亲不想承诺任何事情。
After 10 minutes of circling around a decision, I start to get impatient.
经过十分钟的思考后，我开始变得不耐烦。
I asked my father pointedly--
我尖锐地问父亲——
If I said, you have to move to California and live with me, how would you feel about that?
如果我说，你必须搬到加利福尼亚和我住在一起，你对此有何感想？
OK.
好的。
All done.
全部完成。
Megan Tan OK, great, let's choose that one.
Megan Tan 好的，太好了，我们就选那个吧。
You said you'll feel great?
你说你会感觉很棒？
But-- Megan Tan No, no, no, I like this.
但是—— Megan Tan 不不不，我喜欢这个。
Da-da-da-da.
哒哒哒哒。
Logistics.
后勤。
Megan Tan Oh, Dad, logistics are logistics.
Megan Tan 噢，爸爸，物流就是物流。
We're in Ohio for another three weeks.
我们还要在俄亥俄州待三个星期。
Now that we're counting down the days, my father's anxiety is ramping up.
现在我们正在倒计时，父亲的焦虑感越来越强烈。
He doesn't understand how he's going to get on the plane or how we're going to get out of his apartment lease.
他不明白他将如何登上飞机，也不知道我们将如何摆脱他的公寓租约。
He doesn't think he has enough pants for California.
他认为自己没有足够的裤子去加州。
Everything is impossible.
一切都是不可能的。
What's our deal?
我们的交易是什么？
To have hope.
要有希望。
Can you have hope?
你能有希望吗？
Say yes.
说是的。
Can you have hope?
你能有希望吗？
Say yes.
说是的。
Yes.
是的。
It's hard for me to listen to this.
我很难听这个。
I sound forceful, like a sunshine bully.
我听起来很强势，就像一个阳光恶霸。
My dad tries to say something, but I quickly interrupt him.
我爸爸想说什么，但我很快打断了他。
[MUMBLING] Megan Tan Is this negative energy?
[咕哝] Megan Tan 这是负能量吗？
What do you have to have?
你必须拥有什么？
What do you have to have?
你必须拥有什么？
Hope.
希望。
Can you have hope?
你能有希望吗？
Here we go again.
又来了。
Megan Tan Yeah.
梅根·谭 是的。
We're going to live together.
我们要住在一起。
How?
如何？
Megan Tan Step by step.
梅根·谭一步一步。
We're going to make it work, OK?
我们会让它发挥作用，好吗？
I need you to trust me.
我需要你相信我。
Remember?
记住？
Yes, trust me, your 31-year-old daughter, who has never been a caretaker before and is taking you away from everything you know.
是的，相信我，你 31 岁的女儿，她以前从未当过看护者，她正在带你远离你所知道的一切。
Good morning and welcome aboard.
早上好，欢迎登机。
Your flight crew this morning is Captain Oscar--
今天早上你们的机组人员是奥斯卡机长——
Before this, I lived alone for three years.
在此之前，我独自生活了三年。
Then my boyfriend moved in and now my dad.
后来我男朋友搬进来了，现在是我爸爸搬进来了。
There are three of us in my one bedroom apartment.
我的一间卧室公寓里有我们三个人。
When we walk in, I immediately start dad-proofing the rooms.
当我们走进去时，我立即开始对房间进行爸爸防护。
I roll up all of my colorful rugs so my dad doesn't slip and fall.
我卷起所有彩色地毯，这样我爸爸就不会滑倒。
In my bathroom, I install a raised toilet seat and grip bars.
在我的浴室里，我安装了一个升高的马桶座圈和把手。
I give my father my bed and my bedroom.
我把我的床和我的卧室给了我父亲。
My boyfriend and I get the pullout bed in our dining room/office.
我和我的男朋友在我们的餐厅/办公室里放了一张折叠床。
I hide all my lingerie and sexy bathing suits.
我隐藏了所有内衣和性感泳衣。
When my father lands in Los Angeles, he's still incredibly weak.
当我父亲抵达洛杉矶时，他仍然非常虚弱。
And I'm not just his daughter.
而且我不仅仅是他的女儿。
I'm also his secretary.
我也是他的秘书。
I find him doctors and book his appointments.
我给他找到医生并预约。
When he needs to pay a bill, we pay it together.
当他需要付帐单时，我们一起付。
I'm also his nurse.
我也是他的护士。
I help him change his clothes and take showers.
我帮他换衣服、洗澡。
When he has an accident, I clean up the floors.
当他发生事故时，我清理地板。
He's having a hard time eating and I'm watching him lose weight.
他吃饭很困难，而我却看着他减肥。
I monitor his appetite and cook him specific meals for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
我监控他的食欲，并为他做早餐、午餐和晚餐的特定饭菜。
I've brought in a crew of people to help.
我已经派了一群人来帮忙。
There's a speech, physical, and occupational therapists and a nurse who all come to visit.
有言语、物理和职业治疗师以及护士都会来探望。
An hour here, an hour there.
这里一小时，那里一小时。
But I'm the first person he sees in the morning and the last person he sees at night.
但我是他早上见到的第一个人，也是他晚上见到的最后一个人。
The weight of his moment-to-moment life is fully on my shoulders and I had no idea how heavy it would be.
他每时每刻的生活重担完全压在我的肩上，我不知道它有多重。
He can't sit down without my help, can't take a shower without me there.
没有我的帮助他就无法坐下，没有我就无法洗澡。
Every move he makes, I'm right beside him, his shadow.
他的一举一动，我就在他身边，他的影子。
Still, I try to resume my life, launch back into work, make plans with friends, go out to bars.
尽管如此，我还是试图恢复我的生活，重新开始工作，和朋友一起制定计划，去酒吧。
I try to take my dog to the park, cook and clean the house like usual.
我试着像平常一样带我的狗去公园、做饭和打扫房子。
But it's just not possible.
但这是不可能的。
I cancel on my friends last minute.
我在最后一刻取消了朋友的预约。
I can't keep the house clean.
我无法保持房子干净。
And I'm constantly running late to meetings.
而且我经常开会迟到。
His life is my life.
他的生活就是我的生活。
It's all consuming.
都是很消耗的
But I can't tell my father that.
但我不能告诉我父亲。
We're together all the time.
我们一直在一起。
But I feel like I'm living this part of our life alone.
但我觉得我正在独自度过人生的这一部分。
And it's only been two weeks.
而且才过去两周。
I need my dad to depend on me a little less or start to move in that direction.
我需要我爸爸减少对我的依赖，或者开始朝这个方向前进。
So I try to help him.
所以我尽力帮助他。
At the kitchen table, I surround us with post-it notes and colorful markers, ready to brainstorm.
在厨房的桌子上，我用便利贴和彩色记号笔围绕着我们，准备进行头脑风暴。
If you can have anything, what do you want it to be?
如果你可以拥有任何东西，你希望它是什么？
I'm definitely more into this future planning than he is.
我肯定比他更热衷于未来的规划。
He's closing his eyes and starting to fall asleep.
他闭上眼睛，开始睡着了。
Dad?
爸爸？
Vincent How can you answer that question?
文森特 你怎么回答这个问题？
Yeah.
是的。
Megan Tan I don't know.
梅根·谭 我不知道。
Just make a goal.
只要制定一个目标即可。
My dad once told me before I go to bed, I should envision the things I want to accomplish, that he used to do that.
我爸爸曾经在我睡觉前告诉我，我应该想象一下我想要完成的事情，他以前就是这么做的。
That's how he came to America.
他就是这样来到美国的。
And that's always worked for me.
这对我一直有效。
But I can't convince him to make any goals.
但我无法说服他制定任何目标。
So I pick up a marker and start doing it for him.
于是我拿起记号笔开始为他做。
Yeah.
是的。
Megan Tan I'm so blinded by my own determination to move him forward.
Megan Tan 我对自己推动他前进的决心感到盲目。
Maybe he does need to sleep.
也许他确实需要睡觉。
But that's not what I'm thinking right now.
但我现在不是这么想的。
I'm afraid.
我耽心。
I write down a few more goals like walk without my walker, change clothes by myself.
我又写下了一些目标，比如不用助行器走路，自己换衣服。
How about cooking for myself and my daughter?
给我自己和女儿做饭怎么样？
How about that?
怎么样？
That's a good one.
这是一件好事。
What's another one, Dad?
爸爸，另一件事是什么？
Dad, are you there?
爸爸，你在吗？
His eyes are closed.
他的眼睛闭着。
He's tapped out and so am I.
他已经出局了，我也是。
No one ever told me my father would become independent again.
没有人告诉我我父亲会再次独立。
No nurse told me he would or wouldn't walk without his walker.
没有护士告诉我如果没有助行器他会或不会走路。
No doctors told me he would or wouldn't drive.
没有医生告诉我他会或不会开车。
I don't know what's realistic, which means I'm in my own ideal world and I'm just winging it .
我不知道什么是现实，这意味着我处于自己的理想世界中，只是即兴发挥。
I'm making up these goals.
我正在制定这些目标。
I want to imagine a better life for him.
我想为他想象更好的生活。
And he's improving, little by little, day by day.
他正在一点一点、一天一天地进步。
He's able to sit down and stand up on his own.
他能够自己坐下和站起来。
But I notice he's not making his bed.
但我注意到他没有整理床铺。
He's able to walk more confidently, but he's not going outside.
他能够更加自信地行走，但他不会出去。
He's able to stay awake longer, but he's not being social.
他能够保持清醒的时间更长，但他无法社交。
He spends hours in the middle of the day lying in his bed doing nothing.
他中午躺在床上好几个小时什么也不做。
That's when I'm the most frustrated with him.
那是我对他最失望的时候。
I storm into his room or I cry to myself in a corner.
我冲进他的房间，或者躲在角落里哭泣。
Exhausted by my own emotions, I call up a Buddhist friend who just encourages me to just let him be and to love him exactly as he is, to respect his life if he leaves his bedroom or not.
我被自己的情绪弄得精疲力尽，我打电话给一位佛教朋友，他只是鼓励我顺其自然，爱他本来的样子，无论他是否离开卧室，都要尊重他的生命。
I start writing that phrase down every day for myself.
我开始每天为自己写下这句话。
"I will respect my father's life.
“我会尊重我父亲的生命。
I will love him exactly as he is," something I've never written down before.
我会爱他本来的样子”，这是我以前从未写下的。
And this becomes my new goal, to hold my tongue, to say less.
这成为我的新目标，保持沉默，少说。
It's hard.
这很难。
I slip up all the time, especially when it comes to his medication.
我总是犯错，尤其是在他的药物方面。
Dad, did you take your medication yet?
爸爸，你吃药了吗？
It's 10:00.
现在是 10:00。
You were supposed to take it at 9:30.
你应该在 9 点 30 分服用。
Sometimes I catch myself.
有时我会抓住自己。
You're doing that thing again.
你又在做那件事了。
You're making it sound like he's messing up.
你这听起来像是他搞砸了。
But some days, I can't stop.
但有些日子，我无法停下来。
Did you drink your water today?
今天你喝水了吗？
I interrogate him.
我审问他。
Are you sure?
你确定吗？
Your water bottle looks full.
你的水瓶看起来已经满了。
I'm starting to realize it's the small stuff I say every day, the little things that can chip away at him the most.
我开始意识到，我每天说的那些小事，最能削弱他的小事。
Because that's what he did to me.
因为他就是这样对我做的。
When he gets all A's, I focus on how he didn't do the dishes.
当他获得全 A 时，我会关注他没有洗碗的原因。
It takes me a while.
我需要一段时间。
Eventually, I do get better.
最终，我确实变得更好了。
When it's 2:00 in the afternoon and I notice that my dad has been lying in bed for the past three hours, I go into his room and I ask if he wants to go for a walk.
下午 2:00，我发现爸爸已经在床上躺了三个小时了，我走进他的房间，问他是否想出去散步。
He says "no" and I just say "OK." I let him be.
他说“不”，我只是说“好吧”。我就让他这样吧。
It's June now.
现在已经六月了。
We're three months in and I've been practicing saying less.
我们已经三个月了，我一直在练习少说话。
We get on the phone with Kristel.
我们和克里斯特尔通了电话。
Well, give her an update.
好吧，给她通报最新情况。
How are you doing, Dad?
爸爸，你好吗？
I mean, work-work I'm talking about, not your housework.
我的意思是，我说的是工作，而不是你的家务。
Yeah, it's fine.
是的，没关系。
[CHUCKLING] Megan Tan Can you tell he's stronger?
[咯咯笑] Megan Tan 你能看出他更强吗？
[CHUCKLING]
[咯咯笑]
That's one of the first times I've heard my father recognize he's progressing out loud.
这是我第一次听到父亲承认自己正在进步。
What?
什么？
That's awesome.
太棒了。
And Megan's feeding you good food, I hear?
我听说梅根正在给你吃好吃的？
I'm laughing because I know he's joking.
我笑了，因为我知道他在开玩笑。
In the past, I might have gotten defensive.
过去，我可能会采取防御措施。
But now I know him better.
但现在我更了解他了。
And he's helping around the house.
他还在家里帮忙。
He helped me organize my cables yesterday.
昨天他帮我整理电缆。
Tell them what you did yesterday.
告诉他们你昨天做了什么。
We went to the park.
我们去了公园。
Megan Tan What did we have to eat, Dad?
梅根·谭 爸爸，我们要吃什么？
Yeah, we're running out of food right now.
是的，我们现在没有食物了。
We're not running out of food.
我们并没有耗尽食物。
We just need to go to grocery store like every family on a Sunday.
我们只需要像每个家庭一样在周日去杂货店。
Is he really worried we're running out of food?
他真的担心我们没有食物了吗？
I'm trying to get better at listening to him, like really listening.
我正在努力更好地倾听他的讲话，就像真正地倾听一样。
I don't want to brush him off or just tell him everything is fine.
我不想拒绝他或者只是告诉他一切都很好。
So I ask him directly about his worries and fears.
所以我直接询问他的担忧和恐惧。
He lists off a few things.
他列出了一些事情。
He's worried about his car, his clothes, where all the stuff from his apartment went.
他担心他的车、他的衣服以及他公寓里的所有东西都去了哪里。
Do you have anything else you're worried about?
您还有什么担心的吗？
What are you worried about?
你担心什么？
Vincent Money.
文森特·钱尼.
What would make you not worried about money?
是什么让你不为钱发愁？
As I'm loosening up, he's loosening up too.
当我放松的时候，他也放松了。
And I can tell he's coming into himself again.
我可以看出他又恢复了正常。
During breakfast when we're sitting at the dining room table, conversations that used to be dominated by his health status are replaced with mundane talks about whatever, which is great.
吃早餐的时候，当我们坐在餐桌旁时，过去以他的健康状况为主的谈话被有关任何事情的平凡谈话所取代，这很棒。
Did you have any dreams?
你有什么梦想吗？
Vincent Yeah, all kinds of dreams.
文森特 是的，各种各样的梦想。
Oh, like what?
哦，比如什么？
Vincent I'm trying to solve a problem.
文森特 我正在尝试解决一个问题。
What was the problem?
问题出在哪里？
Vincent A math problem.
文森特一道数学题。
That was the dream?
那是梦想吗？
Vincent Yeah, I screwed up.
文森特 是的，我搞砸了。
I don't remember.
我不记得了。
Yeah.
是的。
What about you?
你呢？
Megan Tan No dreams.
梅根·谭没有梦想。
So now we talk about all kinds of things.
所以现在我们谈论各种各样的事情。
But I hadn't asked him about how he thought it was going.
但我没有问他觉得事情进展如何。
Was I pushing him too hard?
是我逼他太紧了吗？
How was he feeling?
他感觉如何？
Then, a few weeks ago, one afternoon, he shuffles into my office.
然后，几周前的一个下午，他拖着脚步走进我的办公室。
I sit him in a chair and we get into it.
我让他坐在椅子上，然后我们就开始了。
I ask him, those first few weeks in LA, what was he thinking?
我问他，在洛杉矶的最初几周，他在想什么？
Yeah.
是的。
Having to change planes, change house, moving here and moving there.
不得不换飞机、换房子、搬到这里、搬到那里。
It was just dizzy.
只是头晕而已。
Dizzy, his mind was dizzy.
晕了，脑子晕了。
When I asked my father specifically about whether or not making goals was helpful, he tells me they weren't.
当我具体问父亲制定目标是否有帮助时，他告诉我没有帮助。
Even though you have good intentions, I just cannot see the outcome.
尽管你的意图是好的，但我就是看不到结果。
Every day I ask myself, what am I-- what am I going to do?
每天我都会问自己，我是什么——我要做什么？
My mind doesn't open.
我的头脑打不开。
Just block.
只是阻止。
It's a block.
这是一个块。
I had nothing to look forward to.
我没有什么可期待的。
That's the way I felt, yeah.
我就是这么感觉的，是的。
Yeah, until I overcome my injuries, I didn't feel confident to be able to do all these things.
是的，在我克服伤病之前，我没有信心能够做所有这些事情。
And I don't think anybody will help me do this.
我认为没有人会帮助我做到这一点。
Why?
为什么？
Vincent Because that's the way life is.
文森特：因为这就是生活。
Being dependent on somebody to do all these things, it's not easy, yeah.
依赖某人来做所有这些事情，这并不容易，是的。
No, no, essentially, you're trying to encourage me, trying to get me set in the positive direction.
不，不，本质上，你是在试图鼓励我，试图让我走上积极的方向。
It's not annoying?
不烦人吗？
Vincent It could be annoying, but I don't have much to say.
文森特：这可能很烦人，但我没什么可说的。
What do you mean?
你是什么意思？
Vincent Well, I know you're trying to do your best.
文森特：嗯，我知道你正在尽力而为。
Yeah.
是的。
And I try to follow you, yeah.
我试着跟随你，是的。
'Cause I know you think much about me.
因为我知道你很想我。
This isn't the first time my dad has told me that he sees me and everything I've been doing.
这不是我爸爸第一次告诉我他看到我和我所做的一切。
But every time he says it, it still gets to me.
但每次他说这句话时，我仍然心有余悸。
Me doing my best is enough.
我尽力而为就足够了。
After I fell, I felt that you were more concerned about my life than ever before, yeah.
我摔倒之后，我感觉你比以前更关心我的生活了，是啊。
Whereas before, we were just living separately, right?
而以前，我们只是分居，对吧？
Yeah, living separately and after I fell, you get to know more, know more about me, I believe.
是的，分开生活，在我跌倒之后，你会更加了解我，我相信。
I get to know more about your workings, how you feel.
我对你的工作和感受有了更多的了解。
What is this?
这是什么？
This is good.
这很好。
And your determination, determination to help me.
还有你的决心，决心帮助我。
Not a surprise, but just not a shock.
不意外，但也不意外。
Why was it a surprise?
为何感到惊讶？
Vincent Because I never thought that you really do care.
文森特 因为我从没想过你真的关心我。
It takes me a while to process what he's saying.
我花了一段时间才消化他所说的话。
I never knew he felt like I never cared.
我从来不知道他感觉我从不关心。
Because I've always cared.
因为我一直在乎。
But maybe he's right.
但也许他是对的。
Maybe I didn't care as much as I care now.
也许我没有现在那么在乎。
Megan Tan is the host of Snooze, a podcast from LAist Studios.
Megan Tan 是 LAist Studios 播客 Snooze 的主持人。
Her story was produced by Laura Starcheski.
她的故事由劳拉·斯塔切斯基制作。
Coming up, the surprising power of making a spreadsheet full of profanities.
接下来，让电子表格充满脏话的惊人力量。
That's in a minute from Chicago Public Radio when our program continues.
芝加哥公共广播电台一分钟后我们的节目仍在继续。
It's This American Life.
这就是美国生活。
I'm Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯。
Today's program, "You're It," stories of the people who step up and say, I will take care of this, I've got this, and the very, very unexpected places that can lead them.
今天的节目《你就是它》讲述了那些站出来说“我会处理好这个，我已经搞定了”的人们的故事，以及可以引导他们进入非常非常意想不到的地方的故事。
We have arrived at Act Two of our show, Act Two, Game of Phones.
我们已经到了节目的第二幕，第二幕，电话游戏。
So over the last few years, one of our producers, Chana Joffe-Walt, has been checking in with somebody who decided that they were going to be it, like, forever ago and wears the mantle well.
因此，在过去的几年里，我们的制作人之一查娜·乔菲-沃尔特 (Chana Joffe-Walt) 一直在与某个人进行交流，他们很久以前就决定要成为这样的人，并且很好地承担了这一职责。
She's a school principal, likes being in charge, was great about the whole thing of the buck stopping with her.
她是一名学校校长，喜欢负责，喜欢把责任全部交给她。
She is very consistent about it, except for one choice she made that Chana did not understand.
她对此非常一致，除了她做出的一个选择查娜不明白。
Here she is.
她在这里。
A school principal is a pretty classic "you're it" job.
校长是一个非常经典的“你就是它”的工作。
It's all you.
都是你。
When the school needs new math books, a new curriculum, a new budget, you're it.
当学校需要新的数学书、新的课程、新的预算时，你就是它。
A pipe broke and now the science classroom is flooded, you're it.
一根水管坏了，现在科学教室被水淹没了，就是你了。
Students got into a fight at lunch, seven teachers called in sick today and now there are 14 minutes to rearrange the entire schedule and communicated to everyone involved, all you.
学生们在午餐时发生了争执，今天有 7 名老师请了病假，现在有 14 分钟的时间来重新安排整个日程，并与所有相关人员进行沟通，包括你们所有人。
Because of this, the job tends to attract a certain type of person, a person who believes they can or should or needs to be the one called on in any given moment.
正因为如此，这份工作往往会吸引某一类人，即那些相信自己能够、应该或需要在任何特定时刻被召唤的人。
Often, but not always, this is also a person who is quick to color code, has contingency plans for everything, and loves a system.
通常（但并非总是），这也是一个能够快速使用颜色代码、对所有事情都有应急计划并且热爱系统的人。
You'll find variations.
你会发现变化。
You've got your brilliant visionary types and the parking rules people, the person whose task lists are alphabetical, and the person who is more playing it by ear and talks about holding space.
你有你的聪明有远见的类型和停车规则的人，任务清单按字母顺序排列的人，以及更见机行事并谈论保留空间的人。
Dr. Teresa Hill is somehow a little bit of all of these people.
特蕾莎·希尔博士在某种程度上是所有这些人中的一小部分。
The first time I tried to describe her to someone else, I found myself saying, she's just such a principal.
当我第一次试图向别人描述她时，我发现自己说，她就是这样一个校长。
When I first talked to her, Dr. Hill had recently become Arizona Principal of the Year.
当我第一次与希尔博士交谈时，她最近刚刚成为亚利桑那州年度校长。
I'd heard of Teacher of the Year.
我听说过年度最佳教师。
I didn't know Principal of the Year was a thing, but it is.
我不知道年度校长是一回事，但事实确实如此。
And in 2021, Dr. Hill was the one who was picked.
2021 年，希尔博士被选中。
Yeah, no, it was just a phone call.
是的，不，这只是一个电话。
I was in my office.
我当时在办公室。
It was a summer.
那是一个夏天。
There wasn't a lot going on and received the call, you know, congratulations, you are the Arizona Principal of the Year.
没有发生太多事情，接到电话后，你知道，恭喜你，你是亚利桑那州年度校长。
Why do you think you won?
为什么你认为你赢了？
Teresa Hill Oh, who knows?
特蕾莎·希尔 哦，谁知道呢？
I do.
我愿意。
That was a fake-out question.
那是一个假问题。
I know.
我知道。
Dr. Hill's assistant principal nominated her.
希尔博士的副校长提名了她。
You're actually supposed to apply yourself.
其实你应该自己去申请。
But the assistant principal knew Dr. Hill wouldn't actually do it.
但副校长知道希尔博士实际上不会这么做。
So she got the ball rolling, writing, quote, "Dr. Hill has built the culture at Walden Grove High School from the ground up."
于是她开始行动，写道：“希尔博士从头开始建立了瓦尔登格罗夫高中的文化。”
It's one of those schools that's friendly and warm.
这是一所友好而热情的学校。
People feel excited about what they do.
人们对自己所做的事情感到兴奋。
A few months after Dr. Hill was elevated to Principal of the Year, that's when she made a choice that seemed so unlike her, the opposite of everything she is.
希尔博士被提升为年度校长几个月后，她做出了一个看起来与她完全不同、与她的一切相反的选择。
That story begins in August 2021.
这个故事要从 2021 年 8 月开始说起。
And you remember this time-- COVID, then schools reopening, there were teacher shortages, parents angry about masks and having to keep their kids home.
你还记得这一次——新冠疫情，然后学校重新开放，教师短缺，家长对口罩感到愤怒，不得不让孩子呆在家里。
And when I saw Dr. Hill facing the chaos and vitriol of that miserable period of time, I thought, oh, just watch this woman own this mess.
当我看到希尔博士面对那段悲惨时期的混乱和刻薄时，我想，哦，就看这个女人承担这个混乱吧。
We are about to see all the wizardry of principalness brought to bear on the situation.
我们即将看到校长的所有魔法对这种情况产生影响。
She's going to rein this right in.
她会控制住这一切。
Here's what things looked like at Dr. Hill's school.
这是希尔博士学校的情况。
The county had mandated that students had to quarantine if they were exposed to COVID at school and weren't vaccinated.
该县规定，如果学生在学校接触过新冠病毒且未接种疫苗，则必须进行隔离。
So Dr. Hill enforced this mandate.
因此希尔博士强制执行了这项任务。
Parents pushed back.
父母极力反对。
One group of parents came to her school and refused to leave the lobby after one of their kids had to quarantine.
一群家长来到她的学校，在其中一个孩子不得不隔离后拒绝离开大厅。
They were there for hours.
他们在那里待了几个小时。
They were arrested.
他们被捕了。
They filmed themselves being arrested, posted it online, and the videos made headlines.
他们拍摄了自己被逮捕的过程，并将其发布到网上，这些视频成为了头条新闻。
And after that, Dr. Hill's office administrator said there were angry voicemail messages on the school phone.
此后，希尔博士的办公室管理员说学校电话里有愤怒的语音留言。
And I went to her and said, hey, I need you to send me those messages.
我去找她说，嘿，我需要你给我发这些信息。
And she just shook her head and she had tears in her eyes.
她只是摇摇头，眼里含着泪水。
And she was like, you don't want to hear these messages.
她说，你不想听到这些消息。
I told her it's OK.
我告诉她没关系。
I just said, I understand, I know.
我只是说，我明白，我知道。
I know they're not good.
我知道他们不好。
I just, I need them.
我只是，我需要他们。
So just send them to me.
所以只需将它们发送给我即可。
It's OK.
没关系。
Why did you need them?
你为什么需要它们？
Teresa Hill Well, everything that I did always was from a perspective of, like, I'm not going to make you do something that I'm not going to do myself.
特蕾莎·希尔：好吧，我所做的一切都是从这样的角度出发的：我不会让你做我自己不会做的事情。
And I wasn't going to put that on her to have to sort through, you know what I mean?
我不会让她来解决这个问题，你明白我的意思吗？
And that's kind of the way that I dealt with anything as a principal.
这就是我作为校长处理任何事情的方式。
It's like, I'm the leader of the school and I need to make sure that I'm taking care of things.
就像，我是学校的领导，我需要确保我处理好事情。
Principal Hill assumed the voicemails were about the videos that were circulating online, blaming her for enforcing the county quarantine rules.
希尔校长认为这些语音邮件与网上流传的视频有关，并指责她执行县隔离规定。
So angry messages on the school voicemail went straight to the bottom of her to do list.
因此，学校语音信箱中的愤怒信息直接进入了她待办事项列表的底部。
And I went about my day and did all the normal things of what I would do where, you know, I'm out supervising for lunch and supervising before school, between classes, you know, going into classes, whatever, just doing my normal thing.
我度过了我的一天，做了所有我会做的正常事情，你知道，我出去监督午餐，上学前、课间、上课，等等，只是做我的正常事情。
And then it wasn't until the end of the day once the buses have left and kids-- and teachers are kind of leaving.
直到一天结束时，公共汽车已经离开，孩子们和老师们也都离开了。
And then I started listening to them.
然后我开始听他们说话。
I hope your principal, your district, your high school, every one of you fucking morons gets sued into oblivion.
我希望你们的校长，你们的学区，你们的高中，你们每一个该死的白痴都被起诉到被遗忘的地步。
That was the first one.
这是第一个。
I want to say, if you're sensitive to profanity, this doesn't let up.
我想说，如果你对脏话很敏感，这不会放松。
Principal Hill kept listening.
希尔校长一直在听。
You are committing war crimes against the people of the United States.
你们正在对美国人民犯下战争罪。
You guys are shameful, disgusting, vile, evil.
你们是可耻的、恶心的、卑鄙的、邪恶的。
And you better check yourself before Christ.
你最好在基督面前检查一下自己。
Shame on you.
你太无耻了。
You guys definitely without a doubt suck ass.
毫无疑问，你们这些家伙绝对是个烂人。
Now, in the first few, I'm not really affected personally, I guess.
现在，在最初的几年里，我个人并没有真正受到影响，我想。
You know what I mean?
你知道我的意思？
Like, I can hear people are mad.
就像，我能听到人们很生气。
I can hear that they're venting.
我能听到他们在发泄。
Like, whatever, I can deal with all that.
就像，无论如何，我可以处理这一切。
I'm a high school principal.
我是一名高中校长。
I deal with all kinds of conflict, right?
我处理各种冲突，对吗？
It's not the end of the world.
这不是世界末日。
I'm not here to make everybody love me.
我来这里不是为了让每个人都爱我。
No big deal.
没什么大不了的。
But, definitely, when the fourth one comes, then things get real.
但是，毫无疑问，当第四个到来时，事情就会变得真实。
Yes, hi, if you could just let Teresa Hall-- I'm sorry, Teresa Hill, the principal of Walden Grove High School, know that America is watching her and if she could do everybody in this country a favor and disappear, maybe spin on a sandpaper dildo, maybe run backwards through a cornfield, maybe eat the end of a shotgun.
是的，嗨，如果你能让特蕾莎·霍尔——对不起，特蕾莎·希尔，瓦尔登格罗夫高中的校长，知道美国正在注视着她，如果她能为这个国家的每个人帮忙然后消失，也许用砂纸假阳具旋转，也许在玉米地里倒退，也许吃掉猎枪的枪头。
Any of those things would be acceptable.
任何这些事情都是可以接受的。
So tell her she better watch her six.
所以告诉她她最好看好她的六岁。
Dr. Hill paused.
希尔博士停了下来。
She was sitting alone in her office, door closed, listening on speakerphone.
她独自坐在办公室里，门关着，用免提听着。
And she'd been clicking through the messages-- next message, next message-- until this one.
她一直在点击消息——下一条消息，下一条消息——直到这一条。
I'd never received anything like that as a principal, as a teacher.
作为校长、老师，我从未接受过这样的待遇。
I mean like, whoa, what the heck, you know?
我的意思是，哇，到底是什么，你知道吗？
Yeah.
是的。
Teresa Hill Yeah.
特蕾莎·希尔 是的。
Yeah, "eat the end of a shotgun," maybe you should "eat the end of a shotgun."
是的，“吃散弹枪的末端”，也许你应该“吃散弹枪的末端”。
She slowly repeated the words of the messages to herself.
她慢慢地对自己重复着短信中的话语。
And then, she got back to work.
然后，她又回去工作了。
OK, I think I need, I need to save these.
好吧，我想我需要，我需要保存这些。
They were telling me that they were going to sue me.
他们告诉我他们要起诉我。
And I thought, you know what?
我想，你知道吗？
I want to make sure that I have this on record.
我想确保我已将此事记录在案。
And so as I was listening to the first-- to them for the first time, I was also transcribing them.
因此，当我第一次听到他们的声音时，我也在抄写它们。
You started transcribing word for word what people were saying?
你开始逐字记录人们所说的话？
Yeah.
是的。
Disgruntled Caller 5 You're bullies, cowards, and deniers of freedom.
不满的来电者 5 你们是恶霸、胆小鬼和自由的否认者。
She typed "cowards, deniers of freedom." There are 40 messages like these.
她输入“胆小鬼，自由的否认者”。类似这样的留言有40条。
Shame, shame, shame.
羞耻，羞耻，羞耻。
Chana Joffe-Walt She was playing them on speakerphone and her assistant principal overheard, came in to help Dr. Hill transcribe in case she needed these messages for something in the future, maybe as evidence, she thought.
查娜·乔夫-沃尔特（Chana Joffe-Walt）她正在用免提电话播放这些信息，她的副校长无意中听到了，她进来帮助希尔博士抄写，以防她将来需要这些信息，也许可以作为证据，她想。
How about we end up outside your guys' houses?
我们到你们家外面怎么样？
We're not going to protest the school.
我们不会抗议学校。
We'll go directly to your bloody fucking homes.
我们会直接去你该死的家。
As a person who has transcribed a lot of audio because of my job, it takes a really long time.
作为一个因为工作需要转录大量音频的人，这需要很长时间。
And if you are trying to get it word for word, you have to go back over and over again.
如果你想逐字逐句地理解它，你就必须一遍又一遍地回顾。
Yeah, I mean, there were times where I was-- we would look at each other and I was like, did they say this or did they say that?
是的，我的意思是，有时候我会看着对方，我想，他们是这样说的还是那样说的？
And she would say, I heard this.
她会说，我听到了。
I'm like, oh, I heard this.
我就像，哦，我听到了这个。
So let's play it again.
那么让我们再玩一次吧。
And we would play it again.
我们会再玩一次。
To be like, did he say, you definitely are a sick ass or you suck ass?
他有没有说，你绝对是个病态的混蛋，或者你很糟糕？
Right.
正确的。
Oh yeah, mm-hmm.
哦，是的，嗯嗯。
Chana Joffe-Walt Oh my god.
查纳·乔夫-沃尔特 天啊。
Yeah.
是的。
I was typing away.
我正在打字。
I would stop.
我会停下来。
I would go back, type again.
我会回去，再次打字。
And like, unfortunately, I couldn't just go back a little bit.
不幸的是，我不能回去一点。
So I literally, when I went to restart, I would have to listen to the message from the very beginning all the way through again.
所以我真的，当我重新启动时，我必须从头到尾再听一次消息。
I mean, man, it was brutal.
我的意思是，伙计，这太残酷了。
But she kept going all the way through the end.
但她一直坚持到了最后。
She could get this under control.
她可以控制住这一切。
She could create a useful document.
她可以创建一份有用的文档。
And I'm not talking about a simple transcript.
我说的不是简单的文字记录。
Tell me about the format.
告诉我有关格式的信息。
This is a spreadsheet.
这是一个电子表格。
Why did you choose to do it this way?
你为什么选择这样做？
I guess I'm a math teacher and I like spreadsheets more than I like Word.
我想我是一名数学老师，我喜欢电子表格胜过喜欢 Word。
[LAUGHS]
[笑]
It has columns.
它有列。
You say the message number, the time, the date, the phone number of the person.
你说出消息号码、时间、日期、该人的电话号码。
Yeah.
是的。
Chana Joffe-Walt It feels to me like, oh, when I saw it, I was like, of course she's a principal.
Chana Joffe-Walt 我觉得，哦，当我看到它时，我就想，她当然是校长。
She has organized, clear information.
她整理了清晰的信息。
Did it feel like you were interacting with it in the way that you might a school budget or--
你是否感觉自己正在以学校预算的方式与它互动，或者——
Yeah, I mean, I even highlighted so you could see, this is a direct threat.
是的，我的意思是，我什至强调了这样你就可以看到，这是一个直接的威胁。
This is an implied threat.
这是一种隐含的威胁。
I just felt like it was a lot more organized this way.
我只是觉得这样更有组织性。
And I think that's part of why I did it.
我认为这就是我这样做的部分原因。
It's something I can control, getting the phone number, writing down what is exactly said.
这是我可以控制的事情，获取电话号码，写下确切的内容。
I think that transcribing actually, it helped me, like, detach myself from what was being said and make it more like a job.
我认为实际上抄写可以帮助我将自己从所说的内容中分离出来，让它更像是一份工作。
I don't know if that makes any sense.
我不知道这是否有意义。
That makes so much sense.
这很有道理。
That makes so much sense.
这很有道理。
Yeah.
是的。
Principal Hill sent her spreadsheet to the superintendent, noting the threats that may still need investigating by police, helpfully color coded by degree of danger, the same way she may have shared, say, a color chart that allows you to assess and visualize student achievement.
希尔校长将她的电子表格发送给了学监，指出可能仍需要警方调查的威胁，并根据危险程度进行了颜色编码，就像她分享的方式一样，比如说，可以让你评估和可视化学生成绩的颜色图表。
It's not an obvious choice to respond this way.
以这种方式回应并不是一个显而易见的选择。
But everything she did in response to these messages felt so in line with who she is and how she operates.
但她为回应这些信息所做的一切都感觉非常符合她的身份和她的行事方式。
She managed it.
她做到了。
She contained the problem and shielded everyone else from unnecessary distress.
她控制了问题并保护其他人免受不必要的困扰。
She didn't share the messages with anyone else-- her colleagues, her husband.
她没有与其他任何人分享这些信息——她的同事、她的丈夫。
She told her family she'd gotten some threats and to be on alert for strange cars.
她告诉家人，她受到了一些威胁，要对陌生车辆保持警惕。
And she began parking in the back of the school and entering that way.
她开始把车停在学校后面，然后从那里进入。
She told me she imagined if someone was waiting to snipe her out when she arrived for work in the morning, they'd be sitting by the front door.
她告诉我，她想象如果有人在早上上班时等着把她赶出去，他们会坐在前门旁。
She said this casually, not like a person who was panicked or scared, but a person who was taking the appropriate steps to deal with the problem.
她说这话的时候很随意，不像一个惊慌或害怕的人，而是一个正在采取适当措施来处理问题的人。
It was handled.
已处理完毕。
And then we get to the choice that I did not understand.
然后我们就做出了我不明白的选择。
Principal Hill quit in the middle of the school year.
希尔校长在学年中期辞职。
Just six months after she was named Principal of the Year, she left her job.
就在她被任命为年度校长六个月后，她辞去了工作。
She didn't leave immediately after the harassment.
骚扰发生后，她并没有立即离开。
She kept going to work for a couple of months.
她继续工作了几个月。
But the voicemails started to get to her.
但她开始收到语音邮件。
The thing about listening to something over and over is that it stays with you.
一遍又一遍地听某件事的好处是它会一直伴随着你。
That was the accidental side effect of transcribing these messages.
这是抄写这些信息的意外副作用。
Principal Hill says the words became ingrained in her head.
希尔校长说，这句话在她的脑海中根深蒂固。
And she would find herself in a meeting or supervising lunch outside and they'd pop back up.
她会发现自己正在外面开会或监督午餐，他们就会突然出现。
You know, I'd find myself in the courtyard, like, not talking to anybody, you know?
你知道，我会发现自己在院子里，不和任何人说话，你知道吗？
Just like in my own little world sitting there by myself, not interacting with kids and doing the things that I like to do.
就像在我自己的小世界里，我一个人坐在那里，不与孩子们互动，也不做我喜欢做的事情。
I'm a pretty positive person.
我是一个相当积极的人。
And I like to keep things light and move forward.
我喜欢让事情保持轻松并继续前进。
And this was like heavy on me.
这对我来说就像是沉重的负担。
You couldn't move forward.
你无法前进。
Teresa Hill At the time, I couldn't, no. And I had a hard time.
Teresa Hill 当时我不能，不。我过得很艰难。
Because you know deep down how you feel.
因为你内心深处知道自己的感受。
You don't feel good.
你感觉不太好。
And, yet, it's not healthy for anyone in your organization to know how you feel.
然而，组织中的任何人都知道你的感受并不健康。
So you slap on a smile--
于是你就微笑着——
Wait, why?
等等，为什么？
Why?
为什么？
Teresa Hill You know, you put on a happy face and--
特蕾莎·希尔（Teresa Hill）你知道，你脸上挂着幸福的表情——
What is that?
那是什么？
That's some principal thing that people can't know how you feel?
这是人们无法知道你的感受的重要事情吗？
Yeah, I guess so.
是的，我想是的。
I mean, people want leaders who are strong but who aren't emotional.
我的意思是，人们想要坚强但不情绪化的领导者。
And, you know, I don't-- I don't ever want to put my own burdens and my own challenges on my people.
而且，你知道，我不想——我不想把自己的负担和挑战强加给我的人民。
Dr. Hill is so good at keeping what she feels to herself that even after we talked about this for hours, I still didn't understand why she had to leave, why this was the thing that she couldn't shake off.
希尔博士非常善于将自己的感受保密，即使我们讨论了几个小时，我仍然不明白她为什么要离开，为什么这是她无法摆脱的事情。
But then, months after she left her job, Dr. Hill gave testimony in court.
但在她离职几个月后，希尔博士在法庭上作了证词。
And she spoke candidly in public about her experience of all this for the first time.
她第一次在公开场合坦诚地讲述了这一切的经历。
The parents who wouldn't leave her school were charged with trespassing.
那些不愿离开学校的家长被指控非法侵入学校。
There was a whole trial.
进行了一次完整的审判。
They were found guilty.
他们被判有罪。
And then the judge asked Dr. Hill if she wanted to say anything.
然后法官问希尔博士是否想说点什么。
Did she want to share the effect this had on her?
她想分享这对她造成的影响吗？
And she did.
她做到了。
She talked about her fear.
她谈到了她的恐惧。
And this time, she wasn't all casual in describing avoiding the front entrance of the school.
而这一次，她描述的避开学校正门的动作也并不随意。
I couldn't go through the front of the school in this day and age with shootings and attacks on public officials.
在当今这个充斥着针对公职人员的枪击事件和袭击事件的时代，我无法走进学校门口。
If you listen to the messages and you heard their anger and their blood pressure raised, I feared for my safety and I feared for the safety of my family.
如果你听这些信息，你听到他们的愤怒和血压升高，我担心我的安全，我担心我家人的安全。
This has negatively impacted me physically.
这对我的身体产生了负面影响。
I've had health problems because of this.
我因此出现了健康问题。
It's impacted me mentally.
这对我的精神造成了影响。
And, unfortunately, the biggest impact is it affected me professionally.
不幸的是，最大的影响是它对我的职业影响。
Never in my 29 years as an educator would I think of leaving my school halfway through the year.
在我 29 年的教育生涯中，我从来没有想过在一年中中途离开学校。
She said to the judge, you have to understand what I had to listen to.
她对法官说，你必须明白我必须听什么。
I don't want to cuss, but I think I need you to understand here.
我不想骂人，但我想我需要你理解这里。
If it's OK, I can quote some of those messages that were left for me.
如果可以的话，我可以引用一些留给我的信息。
The judge gives permission to cuss.
法官允许骂人。
And Dr. Hill, who had prepared nothing, has nothing written down, begins repeating the messages verbatim.
希尔博士什么也没准备，什么也没有写下来，开始逐字重复这些信息。
It's like she's been waiting to let them out.
就好像她一直在等待让他们出去一样。
I was called a fucking cunt.
我被称为他妈的混蛋。
I was told to sit and spin on a sandpaper dildo.
我被告知要坐在砂纸假阳具上旋转。
I was told to disappear.
我被告知要消失。
I was told to eat the end of a shotgun.
有人告诉我要吃猎枪的枪头。
I was told not to go out in public.
我被告知不要去公共场所。
I was told, we're not coming to the school, we're coming to your house.
有人告诉我，我们不是去学校，而是去你家。
And I lived in fear for four months after that.
此后四个月我都生活在恐惧之中。
A friend of mine, an assistant principal for decades now, told me he still remembers his mentor explaining early on that the job of a school leader is never inflict pain on an institution.
我的一位朋友，已经担任了几十年的副校长，告诉我，他仍然记得他的导师很早就解释过，学校领导的工作永远不会给一个机构带来痛苦。
The job is to absorb pain for the institution.
这项工作是为机构减轻痛苦。
It must be confusing to be any kind of public official right now, trying to absorb the pain of the last few years.
现在作为任何类型的公职人员，试图吸收过去几年的痛苦，一定会感到困惑。
How many principals or election officials or public health officials or prime ministers of countries have scrambled to respond to a public that is rageful by doing what they know how to do, by throwing PowerPoints at people, by holding public hearings, printing out color charts, only to finally understand that all the vitriol and misinformation was always going to be too enormous for any one person to absorb.
有多少国家的校长、选举官员、公共卫生官员或总理争先恐后地通过做他们知道该怎么做的事情来回应愤怒的公众，通过向人们扔幻灯片、举行公开听证会、打印比色图表，最后却发现所有的尖酸刻薄和错误信息总是太大，任何一个人都无法吸收。
Principal Hill shielded everyone else from distress until it was only hers.
希尔校长保护其他人免受痛苦，直到只有她自己受到痛苦。
But it wasn't just the words.
但这不仅仅是言语。
It was the isolation that I felt with it.
我感受到的是孤立。
I felt like I was all alone in dealing with the situation.
我觉得我独自一人应对这种情况。
That is what made me say, I can't do this anymore.
这就是我说的，我不能再这样做了。
So many of these voicemails are asking for you to resign.
很多语音邮件都要求你辞职。
Yeah.
是的。
Chana Joffe-Walt So then when you did, did it feel like, oh, I don't want to give them what they wanted?
Chana Joffe-Walt 那么，当你这样做时，是否感觉，哦，我不想给他们他们想要的东西？
Of course.
当然。
Of course.
当然。
But I had to really dig deep and do what was best for me.
但我必须真正深入挖掘并做最适合我的事情。
What was best for her was the one choice that was completely out of character, something far from her principalness and all her familiar moves.
对她来说最好的选择是完全不符合她的性格、远离她的原则和她所有熟悉的举动的选择。
She decided not to be "it" anymore.
她决定不再是“它”了。
Chana Joffe-Walt is a producer on our show.
查娜·乔菲-沃尔特 (Chana Joffe-Walt) 是我们节目的制片人。
Today's program was produced by Miki Meek and Bethel Habte.
今天的节目由 Miki Meek 和 Bethel Habte 制作。
People who put together today's show include Chris Benderev, Sean Cole, Aviva DeKornfeld, Cassie Howley, David Kestenbaum, Valerie Kipnis, Katherine Rae Mondo, Alaa Mostafa, Stowe Nelson, Nadia Reimond, Alissa Shipp, Christopher Swetala, Lilly Sullivan, Matt Tierney, and Diane Wu.
今天节目的制作人包括 Chris Benderev、Sean Cole、Aviva DeKornfeld、Cassie Howley、David Kestenbaum、Valerie Kipnis、Katherine Rae Mondo、Alaa Mostafa、Stowe Nelson、Nadia Reimond、Alissa Shipp、Christopher Swetala、Lilly Sullivan、Matt Tierney 和 Diane Wu。
Our managing editor is Sarah Abdurrahman.
我们的总编辑是萨拉·阿卜杜拉赫曼 (Sarah Abdurrahman)。
Our senior editor is David Kestenbaum.
我们的高级编辑是大卫·凯斯滕鲍姆。
Our executive editor is Emanuele Berry.
我们的执行编辑是 Emanuele Berry。
Special thanks today to Ravenna Koenig, Mike Sowiski, and Regina Grossman, and the NASSP.
今天特别感谢 Ravenna Koenig、Mike Sowiski、Regina Grossman 以及 NASSP。
Our website, thisamericanlife.org, where you can stream our archive of over 750 episodes for absolutely free.
我们的网站 thisamericanlife.org，您可以在其中完全免费地观看我们的 750 多集档案。
Also, there's all kinds of other stuff-- lists of favorite shows, videos, tons of things there.
此外，还有各种各样的其他内容——最喜欢的节目列表、视频等等。
Again, thisamericanlife.org.
再说一次，thisamericanlife.org。
This American Life is delivered to public radio stations by PRX, the Public Radio Exchange.
《美国生活》由公共广播电台 PRX 向公共广播电台播出。
Thanks, as always, to our program's co-founder, Mr. Torey Malatia.
一如既往地感谢我们项目的联合创始人 Torey Malatia 先生。
You know, he called me at 2:00 AM today, 2:00 AM, woke me up to tell me he's been having trouble sleeping lately.
你知道，他今天凌晨 2:00 打电话给我，凌晨 2:00，叫醒我，告诉我他最近睡不好觉。
Could I maybe sing him a lullaby?
我可以给他唱一首摇篮曲吗？
I mean, I know it's like unprecedented times, unprecedented requests, but I figured it was worth a shot.
我的意思是，我知道这是前所未有的时代，前所未有的要求，但我认为值得一试。
I'm Ira Glass back next week with more stories of This American Life.
我是艾拉·格拉斯（Ira Glass），下周我将带着更多《美国生活》的故事回来。
This American Life is produced in collaboration with WBEZ Chicago and delivered to stations by PRX The Public Radio Exchange.
《This American Life》与 WBEZ Chicago 合作制作，并由 PRX 公共广播电台传送到各电台。