778: Me Minus Me - This American Life
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00:00 00:00 Transcript Share This American Life Life Partners How to Listen Episodes Recommended About Overview Staff Announcements Fellowships Jobs Music Make Radio On The Road FAQ Submissions Merch Contact Us Our Other Shows Merch Follow Us Life Partners Subscribe to our newsletter Full episode Toggle Audio and Transcript Sync Transcript | Episode #778 | August 26, 2022 778: Me Minus Me Note: This American Life is produced for the ear and designed to be heard.
00:00 00:00 文字记录 分享此 美国生活 生活伙伴 如何收听 剧集 推荐 关于 概述 员工公告 奖学金 工作 音乐 在路上制作电台 常见问题解答 提交 商品 联系我们 我们的其他节目 商品 关注我们 生活伙伴 订阅我们的时事通讯 整集 切换音频和文字记录同步 文字记录 | 内容第 778 集 | 2022 年 8 月 26 日 778：我减去我 注：《美国生活》是为耳朵而制作的，旨在让人们听到。
If you are able, we strongly encourage you to listen to the audio, which includes emotion and emphasis that's not on the page.
如果可以的话，我们强烈建议您收听音频，其中包括页面上没有的情感和重点。
Transcripts are generated using a combination of speech recognition software and human transcribers, and may contain errors.
文字记录是使用语音识别软件和人工转录员结合生成的，可能包含错误。
Please check the corresponding audio before quoting in print.
请在印刷版引用前检查相应的音频。
Prologue: Prologue Bim Adewunmi From WBEZ Chicago, it's This American Life.
序言：序言 来自 WBEZ 芝加哥的 Bim Adewunmi，这就是《美国生活》。
I'm Bim Adewunmi sitting in for Ira Glass.
我是比姆·阿德温米 (Bim Adewunmi)，代理艾拉·格拉斯 (Ira Glass)。
Do you know what the square footage of your home is?
你知道你家的面积是多少吗？
Oh, God, Bim!
哦，上帝，比姆！
How could you ask me that, you monster?
你怎么能问我这个问题，你这个怪物？
I'm sorry.
对不起。
That's my friend Mona.
那是我的朋友莫娜。
Mona bought a house after saving for 10 years.
莫娜攒了十年钱买了一套房子。
And she has a lot of complicated feelings about that house.
而她对那所房子，有着很多复杂的感情。
For the majority of her life, she's thought of herself as a person who doesn't have money.
在她一生的大部分时间里，她都认为自己是一个没有钱的人。
That's what makes her, her-- no matter the actual reality.
这就是她的本质——无论现实如何。
It's been that way since she was a kid.
她从小就是这样。
I went to a school, and just up the street was another school that was a private school, that was called Bancroft's.
我去了一所学校，就在街上有另一所私立学校，叫做班克罗夫特学校。
And we all used to call it Wankroft's because I think there was just this understanding that those rich kids were not like us.
我们过去都称其为万克罗夫特，因为我认为人们都认为那些有钱的孩子不像我们。
And they weren't like us because I think, even when you're like 11 years old, you know that the future ahead of them is just smoother.
他们不像我们，因为我认为，即使你只有 11 岁，你也知道他们的未来会更加顺利。
It just has less friction in it.
它只是摩擦力较小。
And I think we resented them, even then, for that.
我认为即使在那时我们也因此而怨恨他们。
Fun fact-- we went to an all-girls school and they called us the Virgin Megastore, which was also pretty accurate, I would say.
有趣的是——我们去了一所女子学校，他们称我们为“维珍大商店”，我想说，这也很准确。
The Virgin Megastore?
维珍大卖场？
Mona Chalabi Yeah.
莫娜·沙拉比 是的。
I know.
我知道。
I know.
我知道。
Bim Adewunmi Mona knows the price of everything in her house.
Bim Adewunmi Mona 知道她家里所有东西的价格。
She can't forget-- the rugs from IKEA, the lamp she bought on sale, but still thinks was too expensive.
她无法忘记——宜家的地毯，她在打折时买的台灯，但仍然认为太贵了。
Being able to afford a down payment, and now a mortgage, it just doesn't match how Mona has always seen herself or how she wants other people to see her.
能够负担首付，现在又负担抵押贷款，这与莫娜一直以来对自己的看法或她希望别人如何看待她的方式不符。
A few months after she moved in, she hosted a casual bachelorette party at the house for her childhood friend.
搬进来几个月后，她在家里为儿时的朋友举办了一场休闲单身派对。
The bridal party were all school friends she hadn't seen in ages.
迎亲队伍都是她多年未见的校友。
And Mona was feeling a little uncomfortable.
莫娜感觉有点不舒服。
Like, I'm really obsessed with cleanliness, normally.
就像，我通常非常注重清洁。
And I kind of deliberately didn't tidy or clean for the few days before they came, which is so weird, just because I didn't want it to look too nice.
在他们来之前的几天里，我故意没有整理或打扫卫生，这很奇怪，只是因为我不想让它看起来太漂亮。
So you were trying to look kind of like shabby chic?
所以你想让自己看起来有点破旧别致？
She didn't clean or dust the mirrors, didn't zhuzh up the cushions, didn't even vacuum for a couple of days beforehand.
她没有清洁镜子或除尘，没有把垫子弄脏，甚至没有提前几天用吸尘器吸尘。
But despite that, to her horror--
但尽管如此，令她恐惧的是——
The first friend to arrive, like, did this funny little sort of dance in my kitchen where she was like, oh my God, it's just so big.
第一个到达的朋友在我的厨房里跳了一段有趣的小舞蹈，她说，天哪，它太大了。
They asked if they could have a tour of the house.
他们询问是否可以参观一下房子。
And I kind of was just like, yeah, and then didn't do anything about it.
我当时就想，是的，然后什么也没做。
But then, the third time they asked-- they know all of my evasion tactics at this point-- they were just like, Mona, give us the fucking tour.
但后来，他们第三次问的时候——他们知道我现在所有的逃避策略——他们就说，莫娜，带我们参观一下。
So then I did.
于是我就这么做了。
And I don't know.
我不知道。
They were just like, it's nice.
他们就像，这很好。
And I was like, thanks.
我当时想，谢谢。
And it shouldn't be a big deal, but it is, because I think it's-- I just don't think I deserve it, I guess.
这不应该是什么大不了的事，但确实如此，因为我认为——我想我只是认为我不值得。
These friends all knew how she'd grown up.
这些朋友都知道她是如何长大的。
Her parents had bought their house off an older lady and never updated it.
她的父母从一位年长的女士那里买了房子，但从未对其进行过更新。
So the carpets were old.
所以地毯很旧。
The wallpaper was peeling in places.
壁纸有些地方剥落了。
And there was a bit too much furniture.
而且家具有点太多了。
When friends would come over, Mona felt super aware of it and embarrassed, a weirdly identical emotion to what she was feeling in this new house now.
当朋友们过来时，莫娜感到非常意识到这一点并感到尴尬，这种情绪与她现在在这栋新房子里的感受出奇地相同。
The whole tour, she could feel them looking, which is the point of a house tour.
整个参观过程中，她都能感觉到他们在看，这就是房屋参观的重点。
And when they got upstairs in her bedroom, the closet door was ajar.
当他们上楼进入她的卧室时，壁橱的门半开着。
Oh, God.
哦，上帝。
It's just so embarrassing to say these things out loud.
大声说出这些话真是太尴尬了。
In my closet, was a Gucci bag containing a Gucci handbag.
我的衣柜里有一个古驰包，里面有一个古驰手提包。
Now I did not purchase said Gucci handbag.
现在我没有购买所说的Gucci手提包。
It was given to me, which is also incredibly bizarre.
它是给我的，这也非常奇怪。
It was a work gift.
这是一份工作礼物。
Mona Chalabi And I just kind of saw an eye track on that.
莫娜·查拉比（Mona Chalabi） 我只是看到了一个视线轨迹。
And that felt weird to me.
这对我来说感觉很奇怪。
And then, also in any human interaction, there's always this choice, right?
然后，在任何人际互动中，总是存在这种选择，对吧？
Do you acknowledge the thing or do you not acknowledge a thing and just keep the conversation going?
你是承认这件事，还是不承认这件事，只是继续谈话？
And I just know myself that if I would have acknowledged it, I would have made things even weirder by, like, overexplaining how I came to have this free Gucci handbag and why I haven't opened it since I got it.
我自己也知道，如果我承认这一点，我就会让事情变得更奇怪，比如过度解释我是如何得到这个免费的 Gucci 手提包的，以及为什么我收到它后就没有打开过它。
Why haven't you opened it?
你怎么还没打开呢？
Mona Chalabi Because, again, it doesn't feel like it belongs to me, even though I own it.
Mona Chalabi：因为，尽管我拥有它，但我感觉它并不属于我。
Who I am is not somebody who owns a Gucci handbag.
我并不是拥有古驰手提包的人。
And therefore, it stays in the cupboard.
因此，它留在橱柜里。
To her, the designer bag is not actually a bag.
对她来说，名牌包实际上并不是一个包。
It's a material asset, something she could sell if ever things got rough, because Mona is a person who knows that the ground can give way under your feet at any time.
这是一种物质资产，如果遇到困难，她可以卖掉它，因为莫娜知道你脚下的土地随时都会塌陷。
I have to point something out, though.
不过，我必须指出一些事情。
Like--
就像——
Uh oh.
呃哦。
Bim Adewunmi No, no. I'm just-- I'm just kind of thinking, like, it's a weird thing to be like, "Oh, I don't know what to do.
Bim Adewunmi 不，不。我只是……我只是在想，“哦，我不知道该怎么办，这是一件很奇怪的事情。
I have money." It's kind of like, "My diamond shoes, they're so tight."
我有钱。”这有点像，“我的钻石鞋，太紧了。”
Oh, I know.
哦，我知道。
It's absolutely disgusting.
这绝对是令人厌恶的。
I'm not expecting anyone that's listening to have any sympathy for this.
我不希望任何正在倾听的人对此表示同情。
To be really, really clear, this isn't framed as poor me.
说实话，这并不是说我很可怜。
I feel so uncomfortable talking about this because, again, especially growing up, any time that someone with more resources than me complained-- yeah, I was just like, shut the fuck up.
谈论这个我感到很不舒服，因为，尤其是在成长过程中，每当有人比我拥有更多资源时抱怨——是的，我就想，他妈的闭嘴。
Like, I don't really want to hear it.
比如说，我真的不想听。
I'm not complaining.
我没有抱怨。
I'm really just trying to describe a feeling, I think.
我想我真的只是想描述一种感觉。
And actually, it still feels weird.
事实上，它仍然感觉很奇怪。
The strangest feeling is the feeling of coming back, is the feeling of putting a key through the door and opening the door.
最奇怪的感觉就是回来的感觉，就是把钥匙插进门打开门的感觉。
And it's kind of like-- what's that thing-- agoraphobia, where you're scared of open spaces.
这有点像——那是什么东西——广场恐惧症，你害怕开放的空间。
It's like really fucking weird to have that when you walk into your home, to have a fear of the open space.
当你走进家时，对开放空间感到恐惧，这真是太奇怪了。
But if I'm walking upstairs to go to bed or something, no, it's really weird.
但如果我上楼去睡觉什么的，不，这真的很奇怪。
I feel like a lodger here.
我感觉自己就像这里的房客。
It's transitory.
这是暂时的。
So when you're in your house, and you're going up to bed, does it feel like an out-of-body sort of "it's me, but it's not really me"?
那么，当你在家里，准备上床睡觉时，是否会有一种灵魂出窍的感觉，“这是我，但不是真正的我”？
Exactly.
确切地。
I can see a woman going up the stairs.
我看到一个女人正在上楼梯。
And every now and then, I remind myself that that person is me.
我时不时地提醒自己，那个人就是我。
For Mona, there was another big change, and it came a few months after she'd bought the house that had made her feel so unlike herself.
对于莫娜来说，还有另一个重大变化，这是在她买下那栋让她感觉与自己截然不同的房子几个月后发生的。
She was on a long-awaited vacation with friends.
她正在和朋友们一起度过期待已久的假期。
On the second-to-last night, got a phone call from my sister telling me that my mom-- I got a phone call from my sister telling my that my mom had had a stroke.
倒数第二天晚上，接到姐姐的电话，告诉我妈妈中风了。
So I came back immediately.
于是我立刻就回来了。
And then she had another stroke.
然后她又中风了。
And yeah, she just-- she needs 24-hour care.
是的，她只是——她需要 24 小时护理。
And so she moved in with me.
于是她就搬来和我一起住了。
And I tried to do that as best I could.
我尽力做到最好。
Mona swung into action.
莫娜立即行动起来。
She worked out the likely cost of care and for how long they could afford it.
她计算出了可能的护理费用以及他们可以负担的时间。
That money that she'd been so careful to save was actually being useful.
她这么小心翼翼攒下来的钱，居然有用处。
At one point, she thought she might have to sell the house.
有一次，她认为自己可能不得不卖掉房子。
And the weird thing was, it felt horribly familiar to be in a position where things felt more precarious again.
奇怪的是，身处一个事情再次变得更加不稳定的境地，感觉非常熟悉。
When I moved into the house, and everything was OK for those six months, I didn't feel like me.
当我搬进房子后，这六个月一切都很好，但我感觉不像我了。
And now, I do feel like myself because the fear is back.
现在，我确实感觉像我自己了，因为恐惧又回来了。
It's me just living in a nice house for now.
我现在只是住在一个漂亮的房子里。
This house isn't mine, really.
这房子真的不是我的。
On some level in my mind, the house isn't mine.
在某种程度上，在我看来，房子不是我的。
And so that makes me feel like me, by dissociating slightly.
所以这让我感觉像我一样，通过轻微的分离。
When I did get more safe, I felt less like myself.
当我确实变得更加安全时，我感觉不太像自己了。
I felt really disconnected with myself.
我真的感觉自己与自己脱节了。
I think actually being afraid is part of my identity.
我认为实际上害怕是我身份的一部分。
That's what our show today is all about.
这就是我们今天节目的全部内容。
When something you understand to be such a fundamental part of yourself changes dramatically or goes away, and you're left wondering, is this still me, am I still who I think I am?
当你所理解的你自己的基本部分发生巨大变化或消失时，你会想，这还是我吗？我还是我认为的那个人吗？
That feeling of me minus me.
那种感觉是我减去了我。
We hear three people facing down monumental changes, wondering exactly that.
我们听到三个人面对着巨大的变化，并想知道这一点。
Stay with us.
留在我们身边。
Act 1, Voice Over.
第一幕，画外音。
Sometimes you can plot the life of a singer from their discography.
有时你可以从歌手的唱片中描绘出他们的生活。
Think of the shift Beyoncé made from girl-group power pop to soul-baring global superstar.
想一想碧昂丝从女团实力流行歌手到直率的全球巨星的转变吧。
So I want to play you some recordings of Sandy Allen, who this first story is about, singing from four different points in his life.
所以我想给你们播放一些桑迪·艾伦的录音，第一个故事是关于他的，从他生命中的四个不同点唱歌。
They map out the story of a person losing a big part of themself and building something to replace it.
他们描绘了一个人失去了自己的很大一部分并建造一些东西来取代它的故事。
Here's the first recording.
这是第一个录音。
I'll call it the First Voice.
我将其称为“第一声音”。
OK, here's the first part of a very complicated new vocalese.
好的，这是一个非常复杂的新声音的第一部分。
(SINGING) Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, ah.
（唱歌）啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊。
Ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, ah.
啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊。
Good.
好的。
That was Sandy around the age of 14, singing scales in a voice lesson.
那是14岁左右的桑迪，在声乐课上唱音阶。
Sandy was born with A Voice.
桑迪天生就有声音。
By the age of four or five, he'd be hoisted onto the nearest table at family weddings to belt out "Somewhere Over The Rainbow." Those impromptu wedding gigs became roles in musicals at school and performing in choirs and choruses both at home and internationally.
四五岁的时候，他就会在家庭婚礼上被抬到最近的桌子上高唱《彩虹之上》。这些即兴婚礼演出成为学校音乐剧中的角色，并在国内外合唱团和合唱团中表演。
By the age of 15, Sandy had sung in a choir that performed at a San Francisco Giants game and also at the Sydney Opera House.
15 岁时，桑迪就加入了合唱团，并在旧金山巨人队的比赛和悉尼歌剧院演出。
He was good, and he knew it.
他很好，他也知道这一点。
I was the person in the girls chorus who would sing the mega-mega high note, whether it was in "O Holy Night" or the end of the national anthem, while you're at the MLB game or whatever.
我是女子合唱团中那个会唱超高音的人，无论是在“O Holy Night”还是国歌的结尾，当你在观看 MLB 比赛或其他什么的时候。
I was that voice.
我就是那个声音。
Sandy's voice, with its three-octave range, was special enough to seriously consider Juilliard.
桑迪的声音具有三个八度的音域，非常特别，值得认真考虑茱莉亚音乐学院。
Sandy could sound like a Disney princess.
桑迪听起来就像迪士尼公主。
And in this parody of a song from The Little Mermaid, he really does.
在这首《小美人鱼》歌曲的模仿中，他确实做到了。
(SINGING) Look at my face.
（唱歌）看我的脸。
Check out my chest.
看看我的胸部。
Wouldn't you say clamshell bras are the best?
你不是说翻盖文胸是最好的吗？
Looking around me, you'd think, sure, I could tap that.
环顾四周，你会想，当然，我可以利用它。
But as you know, I'm a merfolk, and so I'm a fish down below.
但如你所知，我是人鱼，所以我是水下的鱼。
Sandy didn't go the Juilliard path.
桑迪没有走茱莉亚学院的路。
He became a writer instead.
他转而成为一名作家。
That's how I first got to know him, working in the same newsroom.
我就是这样第一次认识他的，当时我在同一个新闻编辑室工作。
But he still loved singing-- karaoke or just sitting at his piano with no audience, just the act of it.
但他仍然喜欢唱歌——卡拉 OK 或者只是坐在钢琴前，没有观众，只是唱歌。
Sandy's voice-- high, vast in range, and also kind of effortless-- was programmed in, a cool part of the swirl of DNA that made Sandy Sandy.
桑迪的声音——高亢、音域广阔、而且毫不费力——是被编程进去的，是造就桑迪桑迪的 DNA 漩涡中很酷的一部分。
Another thing about Sandy-- in his own words, he'd known he was different since he was a little kid, but he kept it to himself all through college and into his 20s, which was when he made his first trans friend.
关于桑迪的另一件事——用他自己的话说，他从小就知道自己与众不同，但他在整个大学和二十多岁的时候都保守着这一点，也就是在那时他结识了第一个跨性别朋友。
It was at that friend's house that Sandy first saw testosterone syringes.
正是在那位朋友的家里，桑迪第一次看到睾酮注射器。
It would take another few years before Sandy came out as nonbinary and trans, which felt great to name out loud.
又过了几年，桑迪才以非二元性别和跨性别者身份亮相，大声说出这一点感觉很棒。
Whenever he thought about actually starting testosterone himself, it came with a clutch of worries-- a severe anxiety around needles, he was nervous about his relationships with the people in his life.
每当他想到自己真正开始使用睾丸激素时，都会伴随着一系列的担忧——对针头的严重焦虑，他对自己与生活中的人的关系感到紧张。
But when it came to articulating all those concerns--
但当谈到阐明所有这些担忧时——
The reason I would give myself was I can't give up my singing voice.
我之所以愿意奉献自己，是因为我无法放弃我的歌声。
Maybe I thought the universe would punish me, you know?
也许我以为宇宙会惩罚我，你知道吗？
Maybe I thought that, hey, if I do this "monstrous," quote, unquote, thing and start testosterone and ruin this beautiful voice that I spent so much of my childhood building, then the punishment I'll receive is that I won't ever feel the pleasure of singing again.
也许我想，嘿，如果我做了这个“可怕的”，引用，取消引用，事情并启动睾丸激素并毁掉我花了很多童年时间建立的美丽声音，那么我将受到的惩罚是我将永远不会再感受到唱歌的乐趣。
This fear of losing his voice-- it's one that many trans people have experienced and spoken about.
这种对失去声音的恐惧——这是许多跨性别者都经历过并谈论过的恐惧。
Sandy's fear was that there would be a total absence of a singing voice.
桑迪担心的是完全没有歌声。
He didn't know any famous trans men singers, and he'd heard one trans guy talking on a podcast about how he couldn't sing anymore.
他不认识任何著名的跨性别歌手，而且他听到一位跨性别歌手在播客上谈论他如何不再唱歌。
Four years went by.
四年过去了。
OK, here's the second set of recordings.
好的，这是第二组录音。
I'm calling this one "The Countdown Sessions."
我把这个称为“倒计时会议”。
Sandy Allen (SINGING) Somewhere over the rainbow.
桑迪·艾伦（唱歌）彩虹上方的某个地方。
This is from late 2020, about 21 months ago.
这是 2020 年底，大约 21 个月前的事情。
At this point, Sandy had made the choice to start T.
此时，桑迪做出了选择开始T。
But before he started, he felt compelled to sing some of his favorite songs and record himself doing it.
但在开始之前，他觉得有必要唱一些他最喜欢的歌曲，并录下自己的唱法。
What I ended up doing, when I look back at it now, was I was recording really nostalgic stuff for myself, stuff that I had sung in plays, songs that I had sung in my car as a teenager.
现在回想起来，我最终所做的就是为自己录制一些非常怀旧的东西，那些我在戏剧中唱过的东西，那些我十几岁时在车里唱过的歌曲。
One of the songs that I recorded on my old voice was "Somewhere Over The Rainbow." It was almost like I reversed all the way to the beginning.
我用老嗓子录制的歌曲之一是“Somewhere Over The Rainbow”。就好像我从一开始就一路逆转了。
I think it was like-- it almost felt like a memorial, you know?
我认为这就像——它几乎感觉像是一个纪念碑，你知道吗？
Like, hey, let's give this one last spin, you know?
就像，嘿，让我们最后一次旋转，你知道吗？
You said this thing when we spoke earlier that it felt like a countdown to never singing again.
当我们早些时候谈话时，你说过这件事，感觉就像是不再唱歌的倒计时。
Yeah, yeah.
是啊是啊。
I was sad.
我很伤心。
I was-- I felt guilty.
我——我感到内疚。
It was like, well, if I'm going to kill this sweet thing that's been my friend for all this time, I will at least enjoy our last days together.
就好像，好吧，如果我要杀死这个一直以来都是我朋友的可爱的东西，我至少会享受我们在一起的最后几天。
(SINGING) Where troubles melt like lemon drops away above the chimney tops, that's where--
（唱）当烦恼像柠檬滴在烟囱顶上一样融化时，那就是——
I was mourning an entire selfhood that was the one that I had created.
我正在哀悼我所创造的整个自我。
I never felt like a woman, but I had to act like a woman for a very long time.
我从来没有觉得自己像个女人，但很长一段时间我不得不表现得像个女人。
And I was saying goodbye to all of that.
我正在向这一切说再见。
Did it really feel like you would never sing again, like never, ever?
是不是真的感觉你再也不会唱歌了，就像永远、永远一样？
Well, I think that if I'm being honest, my sense was my new voice, whatever it was going to be, was going to be so bad that I just wouldn't want to.
好吧，我认为，说实话，我的感觉是我的新声音，无论它会是什么，都会很糟糕，我只是不想这样做。
(SINGING) I can't seem to focus, and you don't seem to notice I'm not here.
（唱）我似乎无法集中注意力，而你似乎没有注意到我不在这里。
I'm just a mirror.
我只是一面镜子。
This is one of his newer favorites, Billie Eilish's "My Future." As good as he sounds--
这是他最近的最爱之一，比莉·艾利什的《我的未来》。尽管他听起来不错——
I mostly hear how thin and kind of tentative that voice is and how much it doesn't fit me.
我主要听到的是那个声音是多么的细弱和试探，以及它多么不适合我。
(SINGING) Can't you hear me?
（唱歌）你听不到我说话吗？
I'm not coming home.
我不会回家。
You told me that the last song that you ever recorded using your voice pre-T was "Changes," which is very on the nose--
你告诉我你在 T 之前用你的声音录制的最后一首歌是《Changes》，这首歌非常好听——
Very on the nose.
非常在鼻子上。
Bim Adewunmi --as songs go.
Bim Adewunmi——就像歌曲一样。
You know, just this idea of you flipping through the catalog and, ah-ha, "Changes," because of the changes I'm going through, see?
你知道，只是你翻阅目录的想法，啊哈，“变化”，因为我正在经历的变化，明白吗？
But I love that so much.
但我非常喜欢这样。
I love that that was where your brain and your voice landed.
我喜欢那是你的大脑和声音落地的地方。
Can you play a little bit of that recording?
你能播放一下这段录音吗？
(SINGING) I'm too fast to take that test.
（唱歌）我太快了，无法参加那个测试。
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes.
Ch-ch-ch-ch-变化。
Turn to face the strange.
转身面对陌生的人。
What do you think when you hear that version of yourself singing it?
当你听到自己唱的那个版本时，你有什么想法？
I hear me singing a male artist with a kind of yearning, you know?
我听到我在唱一个男艺人，带着一种向往，你知道吗？
Yeah, it sounds like the most excited of any of the takes, right?
是的，这听起来像是所有镜头中最令人兴奋的，对吧？
I hear more energy in my voice there.
我听到我的声音更有活力。
It's like he knows in his gut that this is what he would like to sound like, what he could sound like, and he's itching to get to a time when it's already happened.
就好像他内心知道这就是他想要听起来的样子，他可能听起来像的样子，而且他渴望到达一个已经发生的时刻。
I was like, yeah, deep down, super excited for what was on the other side.
我当时想，是的，内心深处，对另一边的事情非常兴奋。
(SINGING) So I turn myself to face me, but I never caught a glimpse of how others must see the faker.
（唱）于是我转过身来面对我，但我从未瞥见别人会如何看待冒牌者。
Let me play the third set of recordings.
让我播放第三组录音。
I'm calling it "Rough Going."
我称之为“艰难的前进”。
What the fuck key are we in?
我们他妈的钥匙是什么？
Bim Adewunmi Sandy's voice in a new phase and not always successful at making the exact sounds he wanted it to be making.
Bim Adewunmi Sandy 的声音处于一个新的阶段，但并不总是能成功地发出他想要的声音。
(SINGING) I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you.
（唱歌）我做梦也没想到会遇到像你这样的人。
I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you.
我从来没有梦想过我会失去像你这样的人。
No, I--
不，我——
[BLOWS RASPBERRY] Sandy Allen's Friend [LAUGHS]
[吹覆盆子]桑迪艾伦的朋友[笑]
It took some time for the T to have a notable effect on Sandy's voice.
T 花了一些时间才对桑迪的声音产生显着影响。
Those recordings are from about two months after he'd started.
这些录音是他开始工作两个月后录制的。
I couldn't sing sounds that even sounded OK at all.
我根本无法唱出听起来还不错的声音。
I was like a screechy teen sound.
我就像一个尖叫的青少年声音。
I had full-on moments where-- that quintessential voice break, where you go to sing a note, and there's nothing there.
我有过这样的时刻——典型的声音中断，你去唱一个音符，但那里什么也没有。
It's reminding me of-- it's different, but after top surgery, for example,
这让我想起——这是不同的，但是在顶部手术之后，例如，
I was so weak in my upper body that I couldn't lift a glass.
我的上半身非常虚弱，无法举起玻璃杯。
I couldn't open a door.
我无法打开门。
And over that period of months of learning how to use my upper body again, I mean, it was like these small victories, like when I could hold a mug, and it didn't feel so heavy that I was going to drop it.
在学习如何再次使用我的上半身的几个月里，我的意思是，这就像这些小小的胜利，就像我可以握住一个杯子，而且它不会感觉那么重，以至于我会掉下来。
In those croaky, newly post-T days, Sandy found himself attempting to sing the songs of artists that he wouldn't have approached before.
在那些低沉的、新的后 T 时代，桑迪发现自己正在尝试演唱他以前从未接触过的艺术家的歌曲。
He tried Leonard Cohen.
他尝试过莱昂纳德·科恩。
He tried Johnny Cash.
他尝试了约翰尼·卡什。
None of it was sounding quite right.
这些听起来都不对劲。
Testosterone does a lot of things.
睾丸激素有很多作用。
It changes the way weight is distributed on your body, as well as the thickness of your skin and hair and even how fast your hair grows.
它改变了体重在身体上的分布方式，以及皮肤和头发的厚度，甚至头发的生长速度。
It also thickens the vocal cords, making some voices break and deepen.
它还会使声带变厚，使一些声音变得嘶哑和低沉。
And Sandy's voice was breaking.
桑迪的声音沙哑了。
Waiting for this fourth-decade second puberty to kick in was kind of surreal.
等待这第四个十年的第二个青春期的到来有点超现实。
Sandy had had top surgery, was growing facial hair.
桑迪做了顶级手术，脸上长出了毛发。
And now, he was waiting for his voice to drop.
而现在，他正等着自己的声音落下。
And then one day--
然后有一天——
I sat down at the piano, I hit a middle C, and I could not sing it.
我坐在钢琴前，弹了一个中音C，但我唱不出来。
Wow.
哇。
Sandy Allen You know what I mean?
桑迪·艾伦 你知道我的意思吗？
It was gone.
它消失了。
Middle C was gone.
中C不见了。
For context, middle C used to be where I would have started my scales, you know?
就上下文而言，中音 C 曾经是我开始制作音阶的地方，你知道吗？
It would have been kind of just like, it's the easiest thing to sing is a middle C on my previous voice.
有点像，最容易唱的是我以前的声音中的 C 音。
That was like, uh-oh.
就像，呃哦。
It wasn't like a weaning off?
不是说断奶了吗？
It wasn't kind of like, oh, it's tapering, and now-- it was just like, oh, I can't do that?
不是那种，哦，它正在逐渐减少，而现在——它只是像，哦，我不能这样做？
Yeah.
是的。
My voice was, like, gone.
我的声音就像消失了。
The voice that I had was honestly a few notes big.
老实说，我的声音很大。
It was absurd.
这太荒谬了。
I sat there at the piano going, oh, no, there's almost nothing here.
我坐在钢琴前，心想，哦，不，这里几乎什么都没有。
What song can I even make out of such a small ability?
这么小的能力，我能创作出什么歌曲呢？
It was a very horrible thing to all of a sudden have my voice go from being the most familiar part of my body on some level to this completely unknown.
我的声音突然从某种程度上从我身体最熟悉的部分变得完全陌生，这是一件非常可怕的事情。
I didn't even know what it could do, let alone how to make it do it.
我什至不知道它能做什么，更不知道如何让它做到这一点。
I remember the song where I sang it, and it was like, oh, my god, this sounds like a song.
我记得我唱的那首歌，就像，哦，天哪，这听起来像一首歌。
What was the song?
那首歌是什么？
Sandy Allen It was "Your Song" by Elton John, which is not a song that I like.
桑迪·艾伦 这是埃尔顿·约翰的《你的歌》，这不是我喜欢的歌。
And I remember having this moment of like--
我记得有这样的时刻——
[GASPS] --oh, my god.
[喘息]——哦，天啊。
It's a song.
这是一首歌。
I could feel it.
我能感觉到。
It was like the first time that I was able to kind of step back and cross my arms and just watch.
这就像我第一次能够退后一步，交叉双臂，只是看着。
It was like I was going, whoa, look at this thing go.
就像我要去，哇，看看这件事。
Now I have a much better sense of where the voice starts, and where it can get to.
现在我对声音从哪里开始以及到达哪里有了更好的认识。
I have a much better sense of how to actually use it.
我对如何实际使用它有了更好的认识。
And I feel it when I'm doing it.
当我这样做的时候我就能感觉到。
It's a bigger instrument.
这是一个更大的乐器。
Bigger how?
怎么更大？
Sandy Allen Hmm.
桑迪·艾伦 嗯。
I think when I say that in my mind, I'm picturing a violin and a cello.
我想当我这么说的时候，我脑海中浮现出一把小提琴和一把大提琴的画面。
There's so many examples of instruments where there's a smaller version that's higher.
有很多乐器的例子，其中有较小的版本但较高的版本。
There's a piccolo, and then there's a flute.
有一支短笛，然后有一支长笛。
And it's like, I'm just rocking a new-- it's a bigger, and it's lower.
就像，我只是在摇晃一个新的——它更大，而且更低。
In order to make a lower sound, you have to move more air through that thing.
为了发出更低的声音，你必须让更多的空气通过那个东西。
I need more in order to power it.
我需要更多才能为其提供动力。
We're on the last set of recordings now.
我们现在正在录制最后一组录音。
Let's call these "Sandy's Third Voice."
我们称其为“桑迪的第三声音”。
(SINGING) I can't seem to focus, and you don't seem to notice I'm not here.
（唱）我似乎无法集中注意力，而你似乎没有注意到我不在这里。
I'm just a mirror.
我只是一面镜子。
You--
你——
Sandy singing Billie Eilish again on his piano at home.
桑迪在家里的钢琴上再次演唱了《比莉·艾利什》。
We were on the phone, and I asked him to play me a couple of songs while we were talking in this third voice, the post-post-testosterone voice.
我们正在打电话，我请他在我们用第三种声音（后睾丸激素后的声音）交谈时给我播放几首歌。
It was the first time he'd sung in front of anyone beside his husband and a couple of friends.
这是他第一次在除了他丈夫和几个朋友之外的任何人面前唱歌。
The squeaks and croaks have abated, but Sandy's voice is still in flux.
吱吱声和嘎嘎声已经减弱，但桑迪的声音仍然不稳定。
The voice rehab is ongoing.
声音康复正在进行中。
(SINGING) Can't you hear me?
（唱歌）你听不到我说话吗？
I'm not coming home.
我不会回家。
It's easy to hear the difference, even only a few months apart.
即使仅相隔几个月，也很容易听出差异。
The voice is obviously deeper.
声音明显低沉了一些。
But more than that, it sounds strong, like he's been practicing.
但更重要的是，听起来很强大，就像他一直在练习一样。
(SINGING) I'll see you in a couple years.
（唱歌）几年后我会见到你。
That sounds more lived in than what you sent me back in March.
这听起来比你三月份发回给我的更生动。
Of course, I had to ask Sandy to sing "Changes," too.
当然，我也得请Sandy唱《Changes》。
(SINGING) Turn to face the strange.
（唱）转身面对陌生的事物。
Ch-Ch-Changes.
Ch-Ch-变化。
Pretty soon now, you're going to get older.
很快，你就会变老。
Time may change me, but I can't trace time.
时间可以改变我，但我无法追踪时间。
I said that time may change me, but I can't trace time.
我说时间可能会改变我，但我却无法追踪时间。
How did that feel?
感觉如何？
Sandy Allen Oh.
桑迪·艾伦哦。
A little scary.
有点吓人。
[LAUGHS]
[笑]
How does your voice feel singing it today?
今天唱这首歌感觉如何？
OK.
好的。
Yeah.
是的。
Every day that I wake up and I can just sing is like another beautiful, glorious gift.
每天我醒来就能唱歌就像另一份美丽而光荣的礼物。
It's like, wow, here we go.
就像，哇，我们开始了。
I can still do it.
我仍然可以做到。
And some days are better.
有些日子会更好。
And some days are worse.
有些日子更糟。
But it's like, I'm no longer in this period of murk and everything feeling off and searching.
但就好像，我不再处于这段黑暗的时期，一切都感觉不对劲，正在寻找。
I'm on the other side, and I'm just living my life.
我在另一边，我只是过着自己的生活。
His effortless three-octave first voice and his second unmaintained voice and the raw post-T voice, they're all the bones of this new voice that he had to build up himself.
他毫不费力的三个八度的第一个声音和他的第二个未经维护的声音和原始的后T声音，它们都是他必须自己建立的这个新声音的骨头。
It's a different sound.
这是不同的声音。
What I enjoy about it, in some sense, is it's a trans voice.
从某种意义上说，我喜欢它的地方是它是一种跨性别声音。
I don't know if I sound like a cis guy.
我不知道我听起来是否像一个顺性别的人。
I think that I sound like something else, and I'm a product of a very specific right set of things that can happen to a body.
我认为我听起来像是别的东西，而且我是身体上可能发生的一系列非常特定的正确事物的产物。
And I love that too.
我也喜欢这样。
I love that it winds up being a sound that isn't like others.
我喜欢它最终成为一种与其他声音不同的声音。
It feels more grown up and a little more fragile, perhaps, because it's new.
也许，因为它是新的，所以感觉更成熟，也更脆弱。
But also, I'm always pushing it.
但同时，我也一直在推动它。
I'm always trying stuff that I haven't done before.
我总是尝试一些我以前没有做过的事情。
Something he'd never even thought to imagine before now was harmonizing with himself.
一些他以前从未想过的东西现在与他自己融为一体。
I had a moment the other day when we were playing some of my old voice over the stereo, and then I, in my voice now, sang along with it and did a self-duet.
有一天，我们在立体声音响上播放我以前的声音，然后我用现在的声音跟着它唱，并进行了自唱。
And there was just this moment of, like, whoa.
就在这一刻，哇。
(SINGING) I'm not coming home.
（唱歌）我不回家。
Do you understand?
你明白吗？
And I think part of that is just the sheer uncanniness of, of course, it's the same voice.
我认为部分原因在于，当然，这是同一个声音，这完全是不可思议的。
It's like, it is me, and you could hear how, in a sense, faithful a replica this is with a big difference.
就好像，这就是我，你可以听出，从某种意义上来说，这是一个忠实的复制品，有很大的不同。
It felt kind of like I was breaking time, the kind of fossil of my old voice in the room and then my new one joining it, dueting with my former voice.
感觉有点像我在打破时间，房间里有一种我旧声音的化石，然后我的新声音加入其中，与我以前的声音二重唱。
Suddenly, my former voice becomes so much more interesting to me this way, where it's not just this thing that I walked away from.
突然间，我以前的声音对我来说变得更加有趣，我离开的不仅仅是这个东西。
(SINGING) Not with anybody else.
（唱）不和其他人一起。
Just wanna get to know myself.
只是想了解我自己。
Sandy had expected a split in himself with the arrival of a new voice, but what was once so unfamiliar is somehow now the truest expression of himself.
桑迪原本以为自己会随着新声音的到来而分裂，但曾经如此陌生的东西现在却成了他最真实的表达。
You could even say he turned to face the strange.
甚至可以说，他转身面对陌生的人。
(SINGING) I know supposedly I'm lonely now.
（唱）我知道我现在很孤独。
Lonely now.
现在很孤独。
Know I'm supposed to be unhappy without someone.
知道没有人陪伴我会不开心。
Without someone.
没有人。
But aren't I someone?
但我不是一个人吗？
Coming up, a mysterious man in a hospital parking lot offers to grant one wish.
即将到来，一名神秘男子在医院停车场提出实现一个愿望。
That's in a minute from Chicago Public Radio, when our program continues.
芝加哥公共广播电台一分钟后我们的节目仍在继续。
It's This American Life.
这就是美国生活。
I'm Bim Adewunmi, in for Ira Glass.
我是 Bim Adewunmi，代表 Ira Glass。
Today's show, Me Minus Me, stories of people who change a fundamental part of themselves and wonder if they're still who they thought they were.
今天的节目《我减去我》讲述了人们改变了自己的基本部分并想知道自己是否仍然是他们所认为的那个人的故事。
We've arrived at Act Two, Me Minus You.
我们已经到了第二幕，《我减去你》。
I reached out to one of my favorite writers, Marie Phillips, and told her about today's theme.
我联系了我最喜欢的作家之一玛丽·菲利普斯，告诉她今天的主题。
Two days later, she'd written this short story and sent it to me.
两天后，她写了这篇短篇小说并发送给我。
Here's Marie.
这是玛丽。
Stephanie sat with her parents by her sister's bed.
斯蒂芬妮和她的父母坐在她姐姐的床边。
Her mother was reading aloud from The Road Less Traveled while her father muttered to himself as he did the crossword.
她的母亲正在大声朗读《少有人走的路》，而她的父亲一边做填字游戏一边自言自语。
Fluorescent lights buzzed, machines hummed and beeped, and the sneakers of hurrying nurses squeaked on rubber floors.
荧光灯嗡嗡作响，机器嗡嗡作响，护士们的运动鞋在橡胶地板上吱吱作响。
Stephanie tried to ignore it all as she flicked through client emails on her phone, but it was impossible.
斯蒂芬妮在手机上浏览客户电子邮件时试图忽略这一切，但这是不可能的。
Even if she could screen out the noise, there was the cloying smell of patchouli oil, Rachel's favorite, from the diffuser by the bed.
即使她能屏蔽掉噪音，床边的扩香器里还是传来雷切尔最喜欢的广藿香油的令人腻味的气味。
Stephanie hadn't thought that there could be a worse smell than the hospital's mix of disinfectant, disease, and cheap canned soup, but patchouli oil was it.
斯蒂芬妮没想到，还有比医院里混合着消毒剂、疾病和廉价罐装汤的味道更糟糕的，但就是广藿香油。
Rachel had been in a coma for six months, some bug she'd picked up on one of her endless overseas trips to find herself.
雷切尔已经昏迷了六个月，这是她在一次无休止的海外旅行中发现自己的一种病。
Nobody could figure out why she hadn't woken up yet, but the doctors encouraged them to keep visiting, keep talking to her, hoping that something would prompt her to open her eyes.
没有人能弄清楚她为什么还没有醒来，但医生鼓励他们继续探望，继续和她说话，希望有什么东西能让她睁开眼睛。
Typical Rachel, thought Stephanie, attention seeking even while unconscious.
典型的雷切尔，斯蒂芬妮想，即使在无意识的情况下也会寻求关注。
Stephanie's mother finished her chapter and pressed play on an ancient portable tape deck.
斯蒂芬妮的母亲读完了这一章，按下了一台古老的便携式录音机上的播放键。
The sound of flutes and whale song filled the air.
空气中充满了笛声和鲸鱼的歌声。
I'm going to stretch my legs, said Stephanie.
“我要去伸展一下我的腿，”斯蒂芬妮说。
There was a coffee cart by the front door of the building.
大楼前门旁有一辆咖啡车。
Stephanie ordered a double espresso and briefly considered, then rejected, a sweaty pastry.
斯蒂芬妮点了一杯双份浓缩咖啡，短暂地考虑了一下，然后拒绝了一份出汗的糕点。
The coffee tasted like tarmac.
咖啡尝起来像停机坪。
She took it outside into the car park and lit a cigarette.
她把它拿到外面的停车场，点燃了一根香烟。
A man shuffled over.
一个男人拖着脚步走了过来。
He was short and dressed in a long trench coat with a collar turned up and a battered black hat pulled down over his brow, like a PI in an old detective series, except that his skin was green-- not nauseous green, but actual green, traffic light green.
他身材矮小，穿着一件翻领的长风衣，一顶破旧的黑色帽子拉低到额头上，就像旧侦探系列中的私家侦探，只不过他的皮肤是绿色的——不是令人作呕的绿色，而是真正的绿色，红绿灯绿。
"Hello, Rachel," he said.
“你好，雷切尔，”他说。
Stephanie started, then shook her head.
斯蒂芬妮吃了一惊，然后摇了摇头。
"My name's not Rachel," she said.
“我不叫雷切尔，”她说。
She moved her handbag closer to her body.
她把手提包移近身体。
"My apologies," said the green man.
“抱歉，”绿衣男子说道。
"You are Stephanie, and your sister in the coma is Rachel.
“你是斯蒂芬妮，你昏迷中的妹妹是雷切尔。
Allow me to introduce myself.
请允许我自我介绍一下。
I am the genie of the lamp." He bowed.
我是神灯精灵。”他鞠了一躬。
Stephanie rolled her eyes.
斯蒂芬妮翻了个白眼。
Friend of Rachel's, obviously.
显然是雷切尔的朋友。
Only Rachel would have friends who paint themselves green and call themselves genies.
只有雷切尔才会有朋友把自己涂成绿色并称自己为精灵。
She turned to go, but the green man grabbed her by the wrist.
她转身要走，却被绿衣人抓住了手腕。
"I have something to show you," he said.
“我有东西要给你看，”他说。
He put his other hand on her forehead.
他将另一只手放在她的额头上。
She felt herself become dizzy, then her mind filled with images playing out like a film.
她感觉自己头晕目眩，脑子里充满了像放电影一样的画面。
She saw Rachel unpacking her backpack in her filthy flat, dirty clothes and half-read self-help books and ashtrays overflowing with Rachel's foul menthol cigarettes.
她看到雷切尔在肮脏的公寓里打开背包，衣服脏兮兮的，还有读了一半的自助书籍，烟灰缸里装满了雷切尔肮脏的薄荷香烟。
She saw the antique lamp at the bottom of the bag wrapped in an old T-shirt.
她看到旧T恤包裹着的袋子底部有一盏古董灯。
She saw Rachel rubbing at a tarnish on it and the green man appearing, him offering her three wishes, as is traditional.
她看到雷切尔正在擦拭上面的污点，绿人出现了，按照传统，他向她提出了三个愿望。
Money, sex, power, thought Stephanie.
金钱、性、权力，斯蒂芬妮想。
What else is there?
还有什么？
But she saw Rachel looking at the mess around her.
但她看到雷切尔正在看着她周围的混乱。
"I need to get my shit together," Rachel told the genie.
“我需要振作起来，”雷切尔告诉精灵。
"I need to be more like Stephanie.
“我需要更像斯蒂芬妮。
She's got it all-- husband, career, big house.
她拥有一切——丈夫、事业、大房子。
First wish, I want to be like Stephanie."
第一个愿望，我想成为斯蒂芬妮那样的人。”
"Your wish is my command," said the genie.
“你的愿望就是我的命令，”精灵说。
There was a flash, and Rachel collapsed to the ground.
一道闪光，雷切尔倒在了地上。
In that instance, Stephanie-- or someone who looked like Stephanie-- appeared in Rachel's apartment.
在这种情况下，斯蒂芬妮——或者看起来像斯蒂芬妮的人——出现在雷切尔的公寓里。
She was wearing a tailored cashmere suit and had her hair neatly curled in a bun.
她穿着剪裁考究的羊绒套装，头发整齐地盘成一个发髻。
The Stephanie in Rachel's apartment walked over to a mirror and stood at it, mouth wide.
雷切尔公寓里的斯蒂芬妮走到镜子前，张大了嘴站在镜子前。
Stephanie watched Stephanie watching Stephanie in the mirror.
斯蒂芬妮看着斯蒂芬妮看着镜子里的斯蒂芬妮。
Mirror Stephanie ran her hands over her body.
镜子斯蒂芬妮用手抚摸自己的身体。
She started to laugh.
她开始笑。
She turned to the genie.
她转向精灵。
"This is not what I meant, she said.
“这不是我的意思，”她说。
I just wanted to know how she gets what she's got.
我只是想知道她是如何得到她所拥有的。
But no, it's good.
但不，这很好。
It's really good, but it's not enough.
这确实很好，但还不够。
It's her body, but I'm still Rachel.
这是她的身体，但我仍然是雷切尔。
OK, second wish.
好吧，第二个愿望。
I want to actually be Stephanie.
我其实想成为斯蒂芬妮。
I want to forget I was ever me.
我想忘记我曾经是我。
Let me be her completely for six months and then come back and get me.
让我完全成为她六个月，然后回来接我。
Then I can use my third wish to go back into my own body, but I'll remember what it was like being her." "Your wish is my command," said the genie again.
然后我可以用我的第三个愿望回到我自己的身体，但我会记住成为她的感觉。” “你的愿望就是我的命令。”精灵又说道。
There was another flash.
又是一道闪光。
Then everything went dark.
然后一切都变暗了。
Stephanie felt the genie remove his hand from her forehead.
斯蒂芬妮感觉到精灵将手从她额头上移开。
She opened her eyes and found herself back in the hospital car park, her cigarette burned down to the filter.
她睁开眼睛，发现自己回到了医院停车场，香烟已经烧到过滤嘴了。
"I'm Rachel," she said.
“我是雷切尔，”她说。
"I'm Rachel?
“我是雷切尔？
Crystals, magic mushrooms, energetic healing, Women Who Run With The Wolves, exotic dancing, caftan Rachel?
水晶、神奇蘑菇、精力充沛的治疗、与狼同行的女人、异国情调的舞蹈、雷切尔长袍？
She hasn't even got a fucking pension!" The genie nodded.
她连退休金都没有！”精灵点点头。
"But I don't understand.
“但我不明白。
I feel like me.
我感觉就像我一样。
How can I be Rachel when I'm still me?"
当我还是我时，我怎么能成为瑞秋呢？”
"Think of Stephanie like a car," said the genie.
“把斯蒂芬妮想象成一辆汽车，”精灵说。
"The machinery still operates in the same way, but it's Rachel behind the wheel, even if she's not aware of it.
“机器仍然以同样的方式运行，但驾驶者是雷切尔，即使她没有意识到这一点。
Let me give you an example.
让我举个例子。
What are you smoking, Stephanie?"
你在抽什么烟，斯蒂芬妮？”
Stephanie looked down at the cigarette in her hand.
斯蒂芬妮低头看着手里的香烟。
"Ugh," she said, "Menthol!
“呃，”她说，“薄荷醇！
I would never!" She tossed the revolting thing away.
我永远不会！”她把那个令人厌恶的东西扔掉了。
"It's a lot to take in," said the genie.
“有很多东西需要吸收，”精灵说。
She took a steadying breath, wiping her hand on her skirt.
她屏住呼吸，用手在裙子上擦了擦。
"So if I'm Rachel, where's Stephanie?" "Asleep." "In there?" she said, pointing at the hospital, where Rachel's body lay.
“那么，如果我是雷切尔，斯蒂芬妮在哪里？” “睡着了。” “在那里？”她指着医院里躺着雷切尔的尸体说道。
"Yes," said the genie.
“是的，”精灵说。
"And when you vacate this body, Stephanie will come back.
“当你离开这个身体时，斯蒂芬妮就会回来。
She won't remember the last six months or any of this.
她不会记得过去的六个月或任何这一切。
But other than that, she'll carry on as normal."
但除此之外，她会像往常一样生活。”
"And I'll be Rachel again, fully Rachel, but I'll remember it all?" "That's right." She'd be Rachel in her crappy basement flat with her crappy job giving teenage girls piercings in Claire's Accessories and her crappy parade of crappy boyfriends who smelled like unwashed hair while Stephanie went back to her mansion and her law firm and her hot house-husband who cooks like a Michelin-starred chef?
“我会再次成为雷切尔，完全的雷切尔，但我会记住这一切吗？” “这是正确的。”她会是瑞秋，住在她蹩脚的地下室里，她的蹩脚工作是在克莱尔的配饰里给十几岁的女孩穿耳洞，她的蹩脚男友们闻起来像没洗过的头发，而斯蒂芬妮则回到她的豪宅和她的律师事务所，还有她像米其林星级厨师一样做饭的性感家庭丈夫？
My mansion!
我的豪宅！
My law firm!
我的律师事务所！
My hot house-husband!
我的热辣家庭主夫！
It isn't fair.
这不公平。
And I would be Rachel, she thought.
我会成为雷切尔，她想。
I'm Rachel?
我是雷切尔？
"I've still got one wish," she said to the genie.
“我还有一个愿望，”她对精灵说。
"I didn't actually make my third wish back in the flat." The green man nodded.
“我实际上并没有在公寓里实现第三个愿望。”绿衣人点点头。
"Then finish her off," she said.
“那就干掉她吧，”她说。
"Rachel's body.
“雷切尔的尸体。
Kill it.
杀掉它。
And leave me alone." She lit another menthol cigarette and walked away.
别打扰我。”她又点燃了一支薄荷香烟，然后走开了。
Sometimes one wish is all you need.
有时候，一个愿望就是你所需要的。
Marie Phillips, who is a younger sister, by the way, as am I.
顺便说一下，玛丽·菲利普斯是我的妹妹，我也是。
Marie's latest book is Create Your Own Midlife Crisis, the best way to make the worst decisions.
玛丽的最新著作是《创造你自己的中年危机》，这是做出最糟糕决定的最佳方式。
Act Three, One Pill Made Me Small.
第三幕，一粒药让我变小。
This past year, writer Karla Cornejo Villavicencio made a change that had the potential to alter who she has known herself to be for many years.
去年，作家卡拉·科尔内霍·维拉维森西奥做出了一个改变，这有可能改变她多年来所认识的自己。
She really didn't know who would emerge.
她实在不知道谁会出现。
A heads up, this story briefly mentions suicide.
注意，这个故事简短地提到了自杀。
Here's Karla.
这是卡拉。
In my early 20s, I would sometimes flirt with boys I didn't even like at parties I didn't want to be at by saying things like, "I'm on the maximum dose of my antipsychotic," because I liked that it made me sound dangerous, and it felt like a general disclaimer that nothing I said should be taken seriously.
在我20岁出头的时候，我有时会在我不想参加的聚会上与我什至不喜欢的男孩调情，说“我服用了最大剂量的抗精神病药”之类的话，因为我喜欢这让我听起来很危险，而且感觉就像是一种普遍的免责声明，我所说的任何事情都不应该被认真对待。
Now, if I say, "I went off my antipsychotic," with no suggestive inflection, with no inflection at all, at 33 years old, married to a woman, increasingly allergic to alcohol, this also makes me sound dangerous, but not in a socially-sanctioned hot way.
现在，如果我说，“我停用了抗精神病药物”，没有任何暗示性的语调，根本没有任何语调，33岁，嫁给了一个女人，对酒精越来越过敏，这也会让我听起来很危险，但不是以社会认可的危险方式。
You can't escape the stigma.
你无法逃脱耻辱。
It's there if you're on these pills.
如果您服用这些药物，它就在那里。
It's there if you go off the pills.
如果你停药的话它就在那里。
This is a story of coming off the pills.
这是一个关于戒掉药物的故事。
One night last fall, I told my partner, Talya, that something was off.
去年秋天的一个晚上，我告诉我的伴侣塔利亚，有些事情不太对劲。
I couldn't feel sadness or joy.
我感受不到悲伤或喜悦。
I couldn't distinguish indignation and frustration from excitement.
我无法区分愤怒、沮丧和兴奋。
I thought it had to do with my current antipsychotic, Latuda.
我认为这与我目前服用的抗精神病药物 Latuda 有关。
I have never experienced psychosis, but Latuda is prescribed for other things too.
我从未经历过精神病，但拉图达也有其他用途。
I'd been taking it for thoughts that go round and round and a general state of suicidal feeling.
我一直认为这是一种反复的想法和一种自杀倾向的总体状态。
I struggled with sometimes explosive emotions that I had a hard time regulating.
我有时会与爆发性的情绪作斗争，而且很难调节。
And in the years since the original prescription, thanks to lots and lots of therapy, I'd grown stronger and more stable.
自从最初的处方以来的这些年里，由于大量的治疗，我变得更强壮、更稳定。
The Latuda had saved my life, but in the way that a sedating dart saves your life.
拉图达救了我的命，就像镇静飞镖救了你的命一样。
It made me so lethargic that it was impossible to act out on all my feelings or even to feel them.
这让我变得如此昏昏欲睡，以至于无法将我所有的感受付诸行动，甚至无法感受它们。
I asked my psychiatrist what he thought about maybe going off the Latuda.
我问我的精神科医生，他对于离开拉图达有何看法。
He said he was proud of the work I'd done over the past couple of years.
他说他对我过去几年所做的工作感到自豪。
It felt like a bespoke commencement speech.
这感觉就像一场定制的毕业典礼演讲。
I cried.
我哭了。
And then we made a plan to taper my dose down to zero.
然后我们制定了一个计划，将我的剂量逐渐减少到零。
Just to be clear, I'm not anti-med.
需要澄清的是，我并不反对医学。
I love meds.
我爱吃药。
I believe my antidepressants-- plural-- which I still take, are helping me thrive.
我相信我仍在服用的抗抑郁药（复数）正在帮助我茁壮成长。
But the Latuda was different.
但拉图达不同。
It's a heavy medication targeting challenges I had addressed in therapy.
这是一种针对我在治疗中遇到的挑战的重型药物。
Maybe I was ready to try life without it.
也许我已经准备好尝试没有它的生活了。
I'd been on one antipsychotic or another since my early 20s.
我从 20 岁出头就开始服用一种或另一种抗精神病药物。
I didn't know what I was like without this medication.
我不知道如果没有这种药物，我会是什么样子。
It was an odd feeling to realize that I did not know who I was at baseline, as an adult.
意识到作为一个成年人，我不知道自己是谁，这种感觉很奇怪。
I could be anyone, and that was maybe the scariest thing about going off the Latuda.
我可以是任何人，这也许是离开拉图达最可怕的事情。
What if I was unrecognizable to Talya or my dog or my editors?
如果塔莉亚、我的狗或我的编辑认不出我怎么办？
What if I became unrecognizable to myself?
如果我变得连自己都认不出来了怎么办？
I started tapering off Latuda in November.
我从 11 月份开始逐渐减少 Latuda 的用量。
And in January, I taped a conversation with Talya about how it was going.
一月份，我录制了与塔莉亚的对话，了解事情的进展。
You and I have been together, like, six years.
你和我在一起已经六年了。
And this entire time, I've been on an antipsychotic.
一直以来，我都在服用抗精神病药物。
Most of the time.
大多数时候。
Most of the time.
大多数时候。
And so when I was thinking about going down on the Latuda or off of the Latuda, I was like, certainly, the person married to me right now likes the person that I am on the Latuda.
因此，当我考虑是登上拉图达还是离开拉图达时，我就想，当然，现在与我结婚的人喜欢我在拉图达上的那个人。
And I wondered how you were going to react to somebody you didn't know or maybe you didn't like off the Latuda.
我想知道你会对拉图达之外的一个你不认识的人或者你不喜欢的人做出什么反应。
You're asking if I was worried about that too?
你问我是否也担心这个？
No. How do you respond to what I said?
不，你对我说的话有何反应？
Like, I'm prompting you to talk.
就像，我在提示你说话。
Yeah.
是的。
Karla Cornejo Villavicencio See, I didn't ask you a yes-or-no question.
Karla Cornejo Villavicencio 看，我没有问你是或否的问题。
I am formulating a thought as though on an academic panel.
我正在像在学术小组中一样制定一个想法。
Talya teaches college students and does her best to get me to write with outlines, thesis statements, and evidence to support my findings.
塔莉亚（Talya）教大学生，并尽力让我写出大纲、论文陈述和证据来支持我的发现。
Talya and I got together in grad school at Yale, and she often fact-checks my memories because those years are a blur.
塔莉亚和我在耶鲁大学研究生院相识，她经常核实我的记忆，因为那些岁月已经模糊了。
I was popping Ativan from mini Altoid tins in literature seminars and new sedating medications had me falling asleep in cafes, wandering lost in downtown New Haven.
在文学研讨会上，我从迷你阿尔托伊罐中取出阿蒂凡，新的镇静药物让我在咖啡馆里睡着了，在纽黑文市中心迷路了。
Over time, with a rotating door of psychiatrists, diagnoses, and medications, including Latuda, I got better in the ways we measure getting better for mental illness.
随着时间的推移，随着精神科医生、诊断和药物（包括拉图达）的不断轮流，我在衡量精神疾病好转的方法上取得了进步。
I made plans with friends.
我和朋友们制定了计划。
I was productive.
我很有成效。
I wore lipstick.
我涂了口红。
But a deep sadness gnawed away at me all the time.
但一种深深的悲伤一直折磨着我。
That scared me.
那吓到我了。
It made me feel damaged and broken and radioactive in ways I couldn't even understand.
它让我感觉自己受到了伤害、破碎，并且以一种我什至无法理解的方式感受到了放射性。
OK, so it's been how many months since I stopped taking the Latuda?
好的，那么我停止服用 Latuda 已经几个月了？
January, February, March, April, May-- five months.
一月、二月、三月、四月、五月——五个月。
No way.
决不。
Karla Cornejo Villavicencio Mm-hmm.
卡拉·科尔内霍·维拉维森西奥 嗯嗯。
That's almost half a year.
这一等就是快半年的时间了。
How do you remember that it was January?
你怎么记得那是一月？
I kept a diary.
我写日记。
But yeah, those were some long evenings that I just spent in the bedroom kind of just lying down.
但是，是的，那些漫长的夜晚我只是躺在卧室里度过。
What do you remember about it?
关于它你还记得什么？
When you think about that time, do you remember a certain feeling?
回想起那段时光，你是否还记得某种感觉？
I remember maybe the first three months, I wanted to--
我记得也许前三个月，我想——
Go back?
回去吗？
Karla Cornejo Villavicencio To go back, yeah.
卡拉·科尔内霍·比亚维森西奥 要回去，是的。
Well, maybe you should say why you discouraged it.
好吧，也许你应该说说你为什么不鼓励这样做。
Yeah.
是的。
Frequently, you would have bad days, and you would announce to me that you had decided that you needed Latuda.
通常，你会遇到糟糕的日子，你会向我宣布你决定需要拉图达。
And I would say to you, OK, that's fine, and, before you make such a big decision, why don't you make sure that you're not reacting to withdrawal?
我会对你说，好吧，那很好，而且，在你做出如此重大的决定之前，为什么不确保你不会对退出做出反应呢？
Yeah.
是的。
Talya Because once you go back on, you're going to lose the opportunity to have that data.
塔利亚：因为一旦你反悔，你就会失去获得这些数据的机会。
So I was like, if you could just wait.
所以我就想，如果你能等一下就好了。
And it wasn't because I didn't want you to be on Latuda.
这并不是因为我不想让你加入 Latuda。
It was honestly because I wanted you to know and think about what you know now.
老实说，因为我想让你知道并思考你现在所知道的事情。
Yeah.
是的。
Talya And you wouldn't have ever gotten the chance to know that.
塔莉亚：而你永远不会有机会知道这一点。
No. Talya What do you remember about wanting to go back on it and thinking you couldn't do it?
不。 塔莉亚 你还记得关于想回头却又认为自己做不到的事情吗？
What do you remember?
你还记得什么？
I remember thinking that it was a lot of work, you know?
我记得我当时想这工作量很大，你知道吗？
Yeah.
是的。
Karla Cornejo Villavicencio I remember just having a sense-- what I always wanted to know was the baseline.
Karla Cornejo Villavicencio 我记得我只是有一种感觉——我一直想知道的是基线。
Right.
正确的。
Karla Cornejo Villavicencio Who I was, what I was at the baseline.
卡拉·科尔内霍·维拉维森西奥 我是谁，我在基线时是什么。
And off the Latuda, I didn't really know, right, if what I was experiencing at that time was who I really was.
在拉图达之外，我真的不知道我当时所经历的是否就是我真正的自己。
Yeah.
是的。
Karla Cornejo Villavicencio But what I did know is that I was experiencing bodily things like the night sweats and the clamminess and these other things that made me feel like--
卡拉·科尔内霍·比亚维森西奥 但我所知道的是，我正在经历身体上的一些问题，比如盗汗、湿冷以及其他让我感觉——
Nausea, headache.
恶心、头痛。
Karla Cornejo Villavicencio Constant nausea, headaches, that made me feel like an old computer that's just running all the time, that just feels really, really hot.
Karla Cornejo Villavicencio 持续的恶心、头痛，让我感觉自己就像一台一直在运行的旧电脑，感觉非常非常热。
I feel like the thing that's-- so what happened when you went off the Latuda, right, there was this kind of eruption of emotion and agitation and frustration.
我觉得事情是这样的——所以当你离开拉图达时发生了什么，对吧，有这种情绪、激动和沮丧的爆发。
And you got really scared, I think, that maybe your baseline was too much and you didn't want your baseline.
我想，你真的很害怕，也许你的基线太多了，你不想要你的基线。
Right?
正确的？
And then you kept hanging in there.
然后你就一直坚持在那里。
You kept hanging in there.
你一直坚持在那里。
I did keep hanging in there.
我确实一直坚持在那里。
For many months, I didn't know what was me and what was the withdrawal.
有好几个月，我不知道什么是我，什么是退缩。
But slowly, the bodily agitation, migraines, and shivers lifted, and I was left with me.
但慢慢地，身体的烦躁、偏头痛和颤抖消失了，只剩下我了。
The difference between you on and off the Latuda is huge.
Latuda 车上和车下的差别是巨大的。
It's absolutely huge.
这绝对是巨大的。
But it's not your fear of a different personality coming out.
但这并不是你害怕出现不同的个性。
It's not like that at all.
根本不是那样的。
No, I don't seem to have a different personality.
不，我的性格似乎并没有什么不同。
It's true.
这是真的。
I'm not a different person off the Latuda.
我和 Latuda 没什么不同。
But everything is harder now.
但现在一切都变得更加困难了。
Moving through my day is like trying to beat egg whites into a meringue without a mixer, just a butter knife-- all effort, and I'm bone tired at the end of each day.
我的一天就像是在没有搅拌机的情况下试图将蛋白打成蛋白酥皮，只需一把黄油刀——所有的努力，而且每天结束时我都感到筋疲力尽。
I feel much more sensitive than I have ever felt-- tender, sore, and scared-- like a prey animal, a baby deer, or a Yorkie with a bobcat for a neighbor.
我感觉比以往任何时候都更加敏感——温柔、疼痛和恐惧——就像一只被捕食的动物、一只小鹿，或者一只约克夏犬和一只山猫做邻居。
It takes almost nothing to make me fall apart-- not being able to open a jar, dropping a mug of coffee, taking the weather personally.
几乎不需要什么就能让我崩溃——打不开罐子、摔倒一杯咖啡、把天气当成个人的事。
I fall apart multiple times a day.
我一天会崩溃好几次。
But it also takes almost no time to gather myself now.
但现在也几乎不需要时间来集中精力。
If I feel overwhelmed, I excuse myself to another room, set a 15-minute timer, blast the AC, and cry.
如果我感到不知所措，我就会借口去另一个房间，设置 15 分钟的计时器，打开空调，然后哭泣。
I watch a video about chipmunk facts narrated by a young man who seems as delighted by chipmunks as I am.
我观看了一个有关花栗鼠事实的视频，由一位年轻人讲述，他似乎和我一样对花栗鼠感到高兴。
And then I'm fine.
然后我就没事了。
I'm back downstairs making coffee, scheduling doctor's appointments and Zoom meetings, sometimes even before the alarm goes off.
我回到楼下煮咖啡，安排医生的预约和 Zoom 会议，有时甚至在闹钟响起之前。
Latuda, which was supposed to protect me from emotional intensity, which was supposed to prevent me from breaking down, just kept me stuck in bed, sad about being sad.
拉图达本应保护我免受情绪强度的影响，本应防止我崩溃，但它却让我困在床上，为悲伤而悲伤。
I've also noticed that I can concentrate better now for longer stretches of time.
我还注意到我现在可以在更长的时间内更好地集中注意力。
For a while on Latuda, I could not read, not at all.
有一段时间，我在 Latuda 上无法阅读，根本无法阅读。
I could only reread, and that felt lonely.
我只能重读，那感觉很孤独。
I'm reading again.
我又读书了
One morning, I took my dog and demons on a walk in the nearby woods.
一天早上，我带着我的狗和恶魔在附近的树林里散步。
I was midway through the first chapter of Edith Wharton's House of Mirth on audiobook.
我正在读伊迪丝·华顿（Edith Wharton）的有声读物《欢乐之家》的第一章。
I was kind of star-struck, starry-eyed about the rhythm of her sentences, the wickedness and speed of her wit, and the sensuous appreciation of melodrama.
我对她句子的节奏、她机智的邪恶和速度，以及对情节剧的感性欣赏有点痴心妄想。
I felt a bit like a teenybopper.
我感觉有点像个青少年。
I felt about Wharton the way I felt about John Mayer in seventh grade and Room for Squares came out, and on it, the song, "Your Body is a Wonderland."
我对沃顿商学院的感觉就像我对七年级的约翰·梅尔的感觉一样，《Room for Squares》出版了，其中有歌曲“你的身体是一个仙境”。
I'm confronting strangers again.
我又要面对陌生人了。
That's back.
那回来了。
Maybe it's because I grew up in New York under Giuliani or because my dad had an explosive temper and, once my brother was born, I learned that if I was scared someone with more power was going to be a fucking asshole to someone with less power, I could put my body in between them and dare the bully to blink first.
也许是因为我在朱利安尼的领导下在纽约长大，或者因为我父亲脾气暴躁，而当我哥哥出生后，我了解到，如果我害怕权力更大的人会对权力较小的人变成混蛋，我可以把自己的身体放在他们之间，让恶霸先眨眼。
The thing about me is I never blink first.
我的特点是我从不先眨眼。
A couple of months ago, I ran a guy out of a liquor store downtown because he did a little bow and said namaste to an Indian kid who was working behind the counter.
几个月前，我把一个人从市中心的一家酒品店赶了出来，因为他对柜台后面工作的印度孩子做了一点鞠躬并向他说合十礼。
He also kept interrogating him about the village where he was born, and the kid clearly did not want to talk about it.
还一直追问他出生的村庄的事，那小子显然不愿意谈。
He looked pained and annoyed.
他看上去既痛苦又恼怒。
When I was being rung up, I aggressively scrolled through Instagram, trying to distract myself.
当我被叫醒时，我积极地浏览 Instagram，试图分散自己的注意力。
The cashier said something to me.
收银员对我说了些什么。
I did not hear it and asked him to repeat himself.
我没听见，请他再说一遍。
Then I heard myself say, "I'm sorry.
然后我听到自己说：“对不起。
Can you say that again?
你能再说一遍吗？
I was distracted by how much that guy knows about India."
我被那家伙对印度的了解搞得心烦意乱。”
The guy and his wife heard me say that too and announced this store did not have the wine they were looking for after all.
那家伙和他的妻子也听到我这么说，并宣布这家商店根本没有他们要找的酒。
That's when the guy did a little bow and said namaste to the cashier.
就在那时，那家伙稍微鞠了一躬，向收银员说了声合十礼。
"Sir, that's fucking rude," I told him.
“先生，这太粗鲁了，”我告诉他。
They left the store.
他们离开了商店。
I wouldn't have done that on the Latuda.
我不会在 Latuda 上这么做。
Maybe I wouldn't do it again.
也许我不会再这样做了。
But it certainly sounds like me.
但这听起来确实很像我。
I remember the exact moment a few months ago-- in the middle of the night, on the toilet-- when I realized I felt happy.
我记得几个月前的那一刻——半夜，在厕所里——当我意识到我感到快乐时。
Nothing had happened.
什么也没发生。
I was still half-asleep.
我还在半睡半醒中。
But the rush was unmistakable.
但这种匆忙是毫无疑问的。
I grabbed my phone and made note of the time-- 2:00 AM-- and wrote a short description of what that felt like in case I wouldn't remember it, in case I needed photographic proof of the Loch Ness monster in the morning.
我抓起手机记下时间——凌晨 2:00——并写下一段简短的描述，以防我记不住，以防我需要早上尼斯湖水怪的照片证明。
Earlier this summer, I sat in the kiddie pool we picked up from Walmart with my book and my music and my dog.
今年夏天早些时候，我坐在我们从沃尔玛买来的儿童泳池里，带着我的书、我的音乐和我的狗。
I'd been doing this every day for weeks, and it made me feel safe, lit from within with love for the whole world.
几个星期以来，我每天都这样做，这让我感到安全，从内心充满对整个世界的爱。
I again wrote down the time and place.
我又记下了时间和地点。
At 12:07 PM from the hammock, my thighs and stomach covered by old wet hand towels we kept in the freezer to help regulate my body temperature, I emailed Talya only this, "I happy.
中午 12 点 07 分，我在吊床上，用放在冰箱里的旧湿手巾盖住我的大腿和胃，以帮助调节体温，我给塔莉亚发了一封电子邮件，只说了这样一句话：“我很高兴。
Posterity pic of my yard day?" This must be what happy women feel, I think.
我院子里的后代照片？”我想，这一定就是幸福女人的感受。
I also know that in a few hours, when the sun goes down, I will crash.
我也知道，几个小时后，当太阳落山时，我就会崩溃。
Something about the color of the sky at dusk makes me feel gloomy and dark.
黄昏时天空的颜色让我感到阴郁和黑暗。
It is irrational, and it is also very real.
这是不合理的，也是非常现实的。
And when that happens, I won't remember what it felt like to be happy.
当这种情况发生时，我将不记得快乐是什么感觉。
So now I make a point to remember.
所以现在我要记住一点。
Something else I realized-- sadness comes back every day.
我意识到另一件事——悲伤每天都会回来。
It was there on the Latuda.
它就在拉图达号上。
It's there off the Latuda.
就在拉图达河旁边。
The sadness is always in a corner.
悲伤总是在角落里。
It goes where I go, like a shadow or a Disney sidekick.
我走到哪儿，它就跟到哪儿，就像影子或迪士尼伙伴一样。
I hate it, but I think it's mine.
我讨厌它，但我认为它是我的。
It's like accepting, in the sixth grade, this is as tall as you're going to get.
这就像六年级时接受的那样，这就是你能达到的最高高度。
And then I realized that.
然后我意识到了这一点。
And I told my psychiatrist.
我告诉了我的精神科医生。
I was like, I think I'm probably going to always be sad.
我想，我想我可能会永远悲伤。
Remember?
记住？
I was like, because that is a constant.
我当时想，因为这是一个常数。
And I think my entire life, I've been looking for an answer of like, just why am I so sad?
我想我一生都在寻找这样的答案：为什么我如此悲伤？
And he was like, what if you just accept that that is how you're going to feel for the rest of your life?
他说，如果你接受这就是你余生的感受怎么办？
What decisions can you make for yourself to make life gentler and to do things that you want to do and to-- you know, like happiness or, I mean, non-sadness, he said that that wasn't the goal, that you could have a meaningful life, or you can have a fulfilling life, or you can have an influential life, and you didn't necessarily have to have a happy life.
你可以为自己做出什么决定，让生活变得更加温和，去做你想做的事情——你知道，比如快乐，或者我的意思是，不悲伤，他说那不是目标，你可以拥有有意义的生活，或者你可以拥有充实的生活，或者你可以拥有有影响力的生活，但你不一定必须拥有幸福的生活。
And that was maybe like two months ago that he said that.
他大概是两个月前才这么说的。
And I think that was a turning point for me because I think the thing that I was always trying to correct in myself and find language for is I feel like there's a hole in my heart, like someone took a melon baller-- you know the melon ballers that you take?
我认为这对我来说是一个转折点，因为我认为我一直试图纠正自己并寻找语言的事情是我感觉我的心里有一个洞，就像有人拿了一个瓜球手 - 你知道你拿的瓜球手吗？
It's like an ice cream scooper.
它就像一个冰淇淋勺。
OK.
好的。
So I feel like there's a melon-- OK, this is-- you know.
所以我觉得有一个瓜——好吧，这是——你知道的。
But yeah--
但是是的——
Yeah, yeah.
是啊，是啊。
You feel-- yeah.
你感觉——是的。
Karla Cornejo Villavicencio Now I'm just like, I guess that's the way it is.
Karla Cornejo Villavicencio 现在我想，我想事情就是这样。
Yeah.
是的。
Everybody's different.
每个人都不同。
Karla Cornejo Villavicencio Fortunately or unfortunately, it's still me I come home to every day, and I'm still learning who I am and what I'm like.
Karla Cornejo Villavicencio 幸运或不幸的是，我每天回家的仍然是我，我仍在了解我是谁以及我是什么样的。
But I am more curious about the too loud, too bright, too harsh world, ever and ever more curious with 30% less abject terror.
但我对这个太喧闹、太明亮、太严酷的世界更加好奇，越来越好奇，而卑鄙的恐惧也减少了30%。
I'm not sure I like myself yet, but I do trust myself to go on this journey, even if I end up in the back yard again, staring at a molting cardinal who is so freaky looking, I take a picture of it and then cry.
我不确定我是否喜欢自己，但我相信自己会继续这段旅程，即使我最终再次回到后院，盯着一只长相怪异的正在蜕皮的红衣主教，我拍了一张照片然后哭了。
Karla Cornejo Villavicencio is the author of the book, The Undocumented Americans.
卡拉·科尔内霍·比亚维森西奥 (Karla Cornejo Villavicencio) 是《无证美国人》一书的作者。
Her story for us was produced by Susan Burton.
她为我们讲述的故事是由苏珊·伯顿制作的。
Credits Bim Adewunmi Today's show was produced by me, Bim Adewunmi, and edited by David Kestenbaum.
致谢 Bim Adewunmi 今天的节目由我 Bim Adewunmi 制作，由 David Kestenbaum 编辑。
The people who put together today's show include Elna Baker, Susan Burton, Zoe Chace, Sean Cole, Michael Comite, Aviva DeKornfeld, Valerie Kipnis, Tobin Low, Miki Meek, Michelle Navarro, Stowe Nelson, Katherine Rae Mondo, Nadia Reiman, Marisa Robertson-Textor, Ryan Rumery, Charlotte Sleeper, Laura Starcheski, Lilly Sullivan, Frances Swanson, Christopher Swetala, Matt Tierney, Julie Whitaker, and Diane Wu.
今天节目的制作人包括 Elna Baker、Susan Burton、Zoe Chace、Sean Cole、Michael Comite、Aviva DeKornfeld、Valerie Kipnis、Tobin Low、Miki Meek、Michelle Navarro、Stowe Nelson、Katherine Rae Mondo、Nadia Reiman、Marisa Robertson-Textor、Ryan Rumery、Charlotte Sleeper、Laura Starcheski、Lilly Sullivan、Frances斯旺森、克里斯托弗·斯维塔拉、马特·蒂尔尼、朱莉·惠特克和黛安·吴。
Our managing editor is Sarah Abdurrahman.
我们的总编辑是萨拉·阿卜杜拉赫曼 (Sarah Abdurrahman)。
Our executive editor, Emanuele Berry.
我们的执行编辑埃马努埃莱·贝里。
Special thanks today to Tuck Woodstock and Rob Dubbin.
今天特别感谢塔克·伍德斯托克和罗布·杜宾。
Sandy Allen is the author of the book, A Kind of Miraculous Paradise.
桑迪·艾伦是《一种神奇的天堂》一书的作者。
My friend Mona Chalabi, who you heard talking about the weird feelings her house gave her, is actually working on a book about our feelings about money.
我的朋友莫娜·查拉比（Mona Chalabi），你听说过她谈论她的房子给她带来的奇怪感觉，她实际上正在写一本关于我们对金钱的感受的书。
Our website, ThisAmericanLife.org, where you can stream our archive of over 700 episodes for absolutely free.
我们的网站 ThisAmericanLife.org，您可以在其中完全免费地观看我们的 700 多集档案。
This American Life is delivered to public radio stations by PRX, the Public Radio Exchange.
《美国生活》由公共广播电台 PRX 向公共广播电台播出。
Special thanks to our boss, Ira Glass.
特别感谢我们的老板 Ira Glass。
He was on Sesame Street the other week, and Cookie Monster for once wanted to share a treat.
前一周他在芝麻街，饼干怪物曾经想分享一顿美食。
He was like-- (IMITATING COOKIE MONSTER) Ira, do you want cookie?
他就像——（模仿饼干怪物）艾拉，你想要饼干吗？
I'm Bim Adewunmi.
我是比姆·阿德温米。
Ira Glass will be back next week with more stories of This American Life.
艾拉·格拉斯将于下周回归，带来更多《美国生活》的故事。
This American Life This American Life is produced in collaboration with WBEZ Chicago and delivered to stations by PRX The Public Radio Exchange.
This American Life This American Life 与 WBEZ Chicago 合作制作，并由 PRX 公共广播电台传送到各电台。