765: Off Course - This American Life
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00:00 00:00 Transcript Share This American Life Life Partners How to Listen Episodes Recommended About Overview Staff Announcements Fellowships Jobs Music Make Radio On The Road FAQ Submissions Merch Contact Us Our Other Shows Merch Follow Us Life Partners Subscribe to our newsletter Full episode Toggle Audio and Transcript Sync Transcript | Episode #765 | March 31, 2023 765: Off Course Note: This American Life is produced for the ear and designed to be heard.
00:00 00:00 文字记录 分享此 美国生活 生活伙伴 如何收听 剧集 推荐 关于 概述 员工公告 奖学金 工作 音乐 在路上制作电台 常见问题解答 提交 商品 联系我们 我们的其他节目 商品 关注我们 生活伙伴 订阅我们的时事通讯 整集 切换音频和文字记录同步 文字记录 | 内容第 765 集 | 2023 年 3 月 31 日 765：偏离路线 注意：《美国生活》是为耳朵而制作的，旨在让人们听到。
If you are able, we strongly encourage you to listen to the audio, which includes emotion and emphasis that's not on the page.
如果可以的话，我们强烈建议您收听音频，其中包括页面上没有的情感和重点。
Transcripts are generated using a combination of speech recognition software and human transcribers, and may contain errors.
文字记录是使用语音识别软件和人工转录员结合生成的，可能包含错误。
Please check the corresponding audio before quoting in print.
请在印刷版引用前检查相应的音频。
Prologue: Prologue Ira Glass When Yibin describes what it was like to grow up in a town in the Gobi Desert, just first the simple physical hardship of it.
序言：序言 艾拉·格拉斯 当伊宾描述在戈壁沙漠的一个小镇长大的感觉时，首先只是简单地描述了其中的艰苦。
Harsh winters.
严冬。
Summers so hot the asphalt on the road would melt and get on her white school uniform, she says.
她说，夏天很热，路上的沥青会融化，沾到她的白色校服上。
This is China in the 1970s.
这是20世纪70年代的中国。
Her town, Jiuquan, had a big factory that made products out of metal and steel.
她所在的酒泉镇有一家大型工厂，生产金属和钢铁产品。
There were some really poor farms.
有一些非常贫穷的农场。
Yibin's dad had a job that was better than most, Yibin says.
一斌说，一斌的父亲有一份比大多数人都好的工作。
He led the musicians for the local song and dance ensemble, making shows for the government, basically propaganda.
他带领当地歌舞团的音乐家为政府表演，基本上是宣传。
They would tour to smaller towns.
他们会去较小的城镇游览。
When she turned four and a half, her dad told her, you're going to learn to play an instrument.
当她四岁半的时候，她爸爸告诉她，你要学习演奏乐器。
And she started on the violin.
她开始拉小提琴。
It wasn't until she got older that he explained why.
直到她长大后，他才解释了原因。
Yibin Li He doesn't want me to have a job that has to be under the sun, in the factory with my hands, with heavy labor.
宜宾李赫不想让我从事一份必须在阳光下、在工厂里用双手、用重体力劳动的工作。
And then would your dad tell you you have to do this because this is your future?
然后你爸爸会告诉你你必须这样做，因为这是你的未来吗？
I remember one time when he took me to the market.
我记得有一次他带我去市场。
There are people selling garments on the street.
街上有人卖衣服。
It was really hot.
天气真的很热。
And he says, look, if you don't practice, you're going to work here.
他说，听着，如果你不练习，你就会在这里工作。
Did you see that girl?
你看到那个女孩了吗？
She was trying to help her dad to sell a pair of pants.
她试图帮助她爸爸卖一条裤子。
Do you want to be here?
你想来这里吗？
I thought, oh, so hot.
我想，哦，太热了。
I can't stay there.
我不能呆在那里。
And did that motivate you?
这激励了你吗？
Would you think about that, and it would keep you practicing?
你会想一想，这会让你继续练习吗？
She was a kid.
她还是个孩子。
She hated practicing.
她讨厌练习。
And dad had her doing like two hours a day and four or five hours on days there wasn't school.
爸爸让她每天学习两个小时，不上学的时候学习四到五个小时。
Sometimes while she practice, she'd put rubber bands around the chair legs and do Chinese jump rope.
有时，当她练习时，她会在椅子腿上套上橡皮筋，然后跳中国式跳绳。
Other times--
其他时间——
I was just playing the comic books I put on a music stand.
我只是在玩放在乐谱架上的漫画书。
You were playing the comic books?
你在玩漫画吗？
What do you mean?
你是什么意思？
No, I was flipping comic books.
不，我正在翻漫画书。
I would just play, and I would flip the comic book on my music stand.
我只是演奏，然后翻动乐谱架上的漫画书。
And I set the alarm maybe half an hour before Mom comes home and then squeeze my skin to make it very red.
我大概在妈妈回家前半小时定好闹钟，然后挤压我的皮肤，让它变得很红。
So when she comes in, I said, look, I practice two hours.
所以当她进来时，我说，看，我练习了两个小时。
You mean you squeeze the skin on your neck.
你的意思是你挤压脖子上的皮肤。
Yeah.
是的。
So it-- Ira Glass Where the violin rests.
所以它——艾拉·格拉斯 小提琴所在的地方。
Fortunately, she had a good ear and natural skill.
幸好她耳聪目明，身手自然。
And her dad, she says, was a patient and kind teacher.
她说，她的父亲是一位耐心而友善的老师。
But to turn her into a musician, she and her dad faced some pretty daunting and extraordinary challenges.
但为了让她成为一名音乐家，她和她的父亲面临着一些相当艰巨和非凡的挑战。
All this was happening during a very particular moment in China, during the Cultural Revolution.
所有这一切都发生在中国一个非常特殊的时刻，即文化大革命期间。
Starting in the 1960s, Western classical music was banned in the country.
从20世纪60年代开始，西方古典音乐在该国被禁止。
It couldn't be performed or played on the radio.
它无法在广播中表演或播放。
Violins and pianos were smashed or burned.
小提琴和钢琴被砸碎或烧毁。
Her dad, who loved Western classical music, would stay up late at night to hear it on Russian radio stations.
她的父亲热爱西方古典音乐，经常熬夜听俄罗斯广播电台的音乐。
He knew Yibin wouldn't be allowed to play this kind of music in public, but violins were permitted in China if you were playing revolutionary music.
他知道宜宾不会被允许在公共场合演奏这种音乐，但在中国如果演奏革命音乐，小提琴是允许的。
Now, from the beginning, to send her down this road of becoming a musician, he had to be incredibly resourceful.
现在，从一开始，为了送她走上音乐家这条路，他就必须足智多谋。
He just had to jump into battle just to get her violins to play.
他只得投入战斗，只是为了让她拉小提琴。
He found one in a school warehouse in a nearby town where old instruments were locked up.
他在附近城镇的一所学校仓库里发现了一台，里面锁着旧仪器。
Another he secretly saved from a fire where it was going to be burned.
另一个他从一场即将被烧毁的大火中偷偷救了出来。
And then he had his next obstacle.
然后他遇到了下一个障碍。
If it's so hard to get a violin, where do you get the music?
如果买一把小提琴这么难，那你从哪里得到音乐呢？
He hand-copied music he borrowed from his friends.
他手抄了从朋友那里借来的音乐。
In his organization, there were violinists.
在他的组织中，有小提琴手。
They were all some sort of self-taught.
他们都是自学成才的。
They had these books of etudes for beginners that they'd hand-copied from someone else, who'd hand-copied them from someone else, each book 80 or 90 pages long.
他们有这些初学者练习曲，是从别人那里手抄的，每本书有80或90页长。
Neighbors hearing this stuff didn't recognize it as Western music.
听到这些东西的邻居并不认为这是西方音乐。
Just sounded like exercises.
听起来就像是练习。
Yeah.
是的。
He borrowed from everybody.
他向所有人借钱。
Do you have a book five?
有第五本书吗？
Do you have book four?
有第四本吗？
He would just spending time at night just hand copy.
他只是在晚上花时间抄写。
Your father would.
你父亲会的。
Yibin Li Yeah.
李宜宾 是啊。
I saw him copying.
我看到他在抄袭。
I was fascinated.
我很着迷。
He would cut the pen diagonal, and then he put the ink in.
他会把钢笔对角切开，然后把墨水放进去。
And the thick edge, if you put it down, would be already a note.
而厚边，如果你把它放下，就已经是一张纸条了。
Yeah.
是的。
He'd just go like that.
他就这样走了。
He said, look, this is very fast.
他说，你看，这速度真快。
This is a flat.
这是一套公寓。
This is a sharp.
这是一个锐器。
And then quickly, if you go quick, the lines are very straight.
然后很快，如果你走得快，线条就会非常直。
You can't be slow.
你不能慢。
You can't shake your hand.
你不能握手。
Then, in 1977, Yibin's seven years old.
那时，1977年，宜宾七岁了。
She gets home from school, and her dad is all excited.
她放学回家，她爸爸很兴奋。
He says, come, come.
他说，来吧，来吧。
I have something to tell you.
我有话要告诉你。
I thought I was in trouble.
我以为我有麻烦了。
He says, no, no, no. We're going to audition for Xi'an Conservatory.
他说，不，不，不。我们要去西安音乐学院试镜。
A year after Chairman Mao's death, China's music conservatories were open again and holding auditions.
毛主席去世一年后，中国的音乐学院重新开放并举行试演。
Suddenly, playing the violin could open up a whole world to Yibin, a world far from their town in the Gobi.
突然间，拉小提琴为宜宾打开了一个全新的世界，一个远离戈壁小镇的世界。
He says, if you get in, then that would be great.
他说，如果你能进去，那就太好了。
You have your future.
你有你的未来。
Did he want you to get out of the Gobi Desert area, though?
他想让你离开戈壁滩吗？
Yes.
是的。
Ira Glass So was his goal you'll play the violin, and then you'll end up in some big city somewhere?
艾拉·格拉斯（Ira Glass）：所以他的目标是你会拉小提琴，然后你会去某个大城市的某个地方？
Yes.
是的。
Then I'm on my way.
然后我就上路了。
In a big city, it's class up.
在大城市，它的档次很高。
If she aces this audition, she'll be in Xi'an, one of the largest cities in the country.
如果她在这次试镜中取得好成绩，她将来到中国最大的城市之一西安。
It could get her into a big city orchestra or get her into university, which would be nearly impossible otherwise, coming from where she came from.
这可以让她进入大城市的管弦乐队，或者让她进入大学，否则，这对于她的家乡来说几乎是不可能的。
And so this became their single-minded goal.
于是，这便成了他们一心一意的目标。
And I'm telling you this story because this is This American Life from WBEZ Chicago, and our whole show today is about people who set out on some path, and they are ripped off that path by bad luck, by fate, by mistakes they made that they didn't even know they were making, and then they have to fight and claw their way back.
我告诉你们这个故事是因为这是 WBEZ 芝加哥的《美国生活》，我们今天的整个节目都是关于那些走上某条道路的人们，他们被厄运、命运、他们所犯的错误所撕裂，而他们甚至不知道自己正在犯下这些错误，然后他们必须奋斗并重新走回来。
The biggest thing to throw Yibin off course is still to come and is one where her father is really left with no options, where he has to try and invent something out of absolutely nothing to fix things and get back on course.
让宜宾偏离轨道的最大的事情还在后头，她的父亲真的别无选择，他必须尝试从无到有的地方发明一些东西来解决问题并回到正轨。
Stay with us.
留在我们身边。
OK.
好的。
So Yibin's dad tells her about these auditions when she's seven years old.
因此，一斌的父亲在她七岁时告诉了她这些试镜的事情。
But the conservatory in Xi'an, it's a middle school, and so she can't actually audition till she's old enough for middle school.
但西安的音乐学院是一所中学，所以她只有到了中学年龄才能真正参加试镜。
That day finally comes.
那一天终于到来了。
She's 11 and 1/2 years old.
她今年 11 又 1/2 岁。
It's 1981 when she finally gets her chance to grab at this special future that her dad has been preparing her for for years, though before they can do that, they have one rather serious obstacle to overcome first.
1981 年，她终于有机会抓住这个特殊的未来，而她的父亲多年来一直在为她做准备，尽管在此之前，他们首先要克服一个相当严重的障碍。
They don't have enough money for train tickets to get to Xi'an for the audition or for a hotel.
他们没有足够的钱买去西安参加试镜的火车票或酒店。
So Dad gets relatives to donate some money, he sells off stuff from their house, and there was some money from when his dad died that had never been distributed.
所以爸爸让亲戚捐了一些钱，他卖掉了他们家里的东西，还有一些他爸爸去世时的钱从未分发过。
Getting some of that money led to a squabble with his older brother that lasted for years.
得到其中一些钱后，他与哥哥发生了持续多年的争吵。
But at the end of all that, money in hand, one spring day, Yibin and her dad headed off on the train.
但最终，在一个春天的一天，手里拿着钱的一斌和她的父亲踏上了火车。
The ride to Xi'an took 36 hours, a trip unlike anything she'd ever taken in her life.
到西安的旅程花了 36 个小时，这是她一生中从未经历过的一次旅行。
First time leaving her part of China.
第一次离开她的中国。
First time visiting a big city.
第一次访问大城市。
And what does she remember?
她还记得什么？
The thing she brings up right off the bat when we talk about it--
当我们谈论这件事时她立即提到的事情——
I was very excited because my dad would give me steamed cake.
我很兴奋，因为爸爸会给我蒸蛋糕。
Each bag has 12.
每袋有 12 个。
It was very brown.
它是非常棕色的。
What is steamed cake?
什么是蒸糕？
I don't know what that is.
我不知道那是什么。
Steamed cake, basically, made of egg and flour, sugar.
蒸糕，基本上是用鸡蛋和面粉、糖制成的。
And they're very fluffy, and has the smell of eggs.
而且它们非常蓬松，还有鸡蛋的香味。
I saw it in the store, but we don't buy very often.
我在商店里看到过，但我们不常买。
But there, that's all for me.
但对我来说，这就是全部。
[LAUGHS] Each morning breakfast, I get to eat two.
[笑]每天早上我都会吃两份早餐。
And then you had never been away from the Gobi Desert, right?
那你就从来没有离开过戈壁滩吧？
No. Ira Glass So what was it like?
不，艾拉·格拉斯（Ira Glass） 那么它是什么样的呢？
What were your impressions of the city?
您对这座城市的印象如何？
My god.
我的上帝。
By the last, I think, last six hours, we enter Xi'an.
我想，最后六个小时，我们进入了西安。
Everything was green, and we open the window.
一切都是绿色的，我们打开窗户。
The air was moist.
空气潮湿。
I remember our heads were sticking out of the window.
我记得我们的头都伸出窗外。
I said, wow, can you breathe this?
我说，哇，你能呼吸吗？
And the mountain, the hills, were all covered with green.
山峦、丘陵，都被绿色覆盖了。
We were both thinking, wow, so many trees.
我们都在想，哇，这么多树。
In the train station, they were selling fresh fruit she'd never seen.
火车站里，他们正在卖她从未见过的新鲜水果。
Pomegranate.
石榴。
Persimmon.
柿子。
And we stayed in the hotel.
我们住在酒店。
I'd never been to a hotel.
我从来没有去过酒店。
And then I got very excited.
然后我变得非常兴奋。
I thought, this is a great life if I live here.
我想，如果我住在这里，这真是一种美好的生活。
The hotel was close to the conservatory and noisy, she says, with the sounds of kids' instruments, filled with parents and kids who were also auditioning.
她说，酒店靠近音乐学院，很吵，充满了孩子们的乐器声，挤满了也在试镜的父母和孩子。
She and her dad started to get nervous.
她和她的父亲开始变得紧张。
And then he went to our neighbor next door and the girl from just bigger town next to Xi'an.
然后他去了我们隔壁的邻居和那个来自西安旁边更大的城镇的女孩。
But her father played in the orchestra.
但她的父亲在管弦乐队中演奏。
And she had nice clothes, and her father knows all the repertoire.
她的衣服很漂亮，她的父亲知道所有的曲目。
And then they had a book.
然后他们有一本书。
Like a printed book.
就像一本印刷书。
Yibin Li Printed book.
李宜宾印刷书。
And the first time, my dad says, can I see your book?
第一次，我爸爸说，我可以看看你的书吗？
And he took the books and said, oh, I have never seen the book.
他接过书说，哦，我从来没有看过这本书。
He had never seen printed music in a book?
他从来没有在书上见过印刷乐谱？
That music had been banned.
该音乐已被禁止。
He'd seen books of Chinese music, which uses a different notation.
他看过一些使用不同记谱的中国音乐书籍。
Yibin made it through the first round of auditions, and the second round.
宜宾通过了第一轮海选和第二轮海选。
After that, not many kids were left in the hotel.
此后，酒店里就剩下不多的孩子了。
The hotel was very quiet, I remember, at the breakfast.
我记得早餐时酒店非常安静。
15 violinists were left.
剩下15名小提琴手。
Yibin was the very last one to play for the judges.
宜宾是最后一位为评委出场的选手。
I remember I walked into the room.
我记得我走进了房间。
It was a big room.
那是一个很大的房间。
There were six people on the panel.
小组中有六人。
I was very confident because I get to play with the pianist the conservatory provided.
我非常有信心，因为我可以和音乐学院提供的钢琴家一起演奏。
I remember I really enjoyed having the piano to play.
我记得我真的很喜欢弹钢琴。
I thought, wow, listen to that sound.
我想，哇，听听那个声音。
I sound so good with piano.
我弹钢琴的声音真好
Because you never heard yourself do that.
因为你从未听过自己这样做。
No. I never played with a pianist.
不，我从来没有和钢琴家一起演奏过。
And we were very confident.
我们非常有信心。
I thought the concerto was so well prepared.
我认为协奏曲准备得非常充分。
I also like the concerto because it has a melody.
我也喜欢协奏曲，因为它有旋律。
There's a technical part.
有一个技术部分。
You can show off.
你可以炫耀一下。
[MUSIC - "VIOLIN CONCERTO IN A MINOR" BY JB ACCOLAY]
[音乐 - JB ACCOLAY 的“小调小提琴协奏曲”]
This is Yibin basically sight reading for me the concerto that she played that day by JB Accolay.
这是宜宾为我视奏的那天她演奏的 JB Accolay 协奏曲。
She's also played the other solo violin pieces we've heard in this story.
她还演奏了我们在这个故事中听到的其他小提琴独奏作品。
Anyway, so at the audition, she's playing, feeling great.
不管怎样，在试镜时，她在演奏，感觉很棒。
Barely a page in--
几乎没有一页——
Someone in the panel clap their hand and says, OK, that's it.
小组中有人拍手说，好吧，就是这样。
Thank you.
谢谢。
You can go.
你可以走了。
I was shocked because the best part, I haven't reached there yet.
我很震惊，因为最好的部分，我还没有到达那里。
I look at them.
我看着他们。
I saw them talking.
我看到他们在说话。
One teacher, I remember, he had a double chin.
我记得有一位老师，他有双下巴。
He was shaking his head.
他摇摇头。
I saw the chin was moving.
我看到下巴在动。
And I heard he says, no, no, no. It's just impossible.
我听到他说，不，不，不。这是不可能的。
We don't need to hear more.
我们不需要听到更多。
And then what?
然后呢？
Yibin Li I walked out of the room.
李一斌走出了房间。
I remember I was terrified.
我记得我当时很害怕。
I thought, my dad's dream is over.
我想，爸爸的梦想结束了。
She says she also thought, I'm 11 and 1/2.
她说她还想，我已经 11 又 1/2 了。
No more green city.
不再有绿色城市。
No more hotel.
没有酒店了。
No more excitement.
不再兴奋。
Her dad was waiting for her in the hallway.
她的父亲正在走廊里等她。
He was like, so how did it go?
他说，事情进展得怎么样？
I said, Dad, I think-- I think I did very bad.
我说，爸爸，我想——我想我做得很糟糕。
They asked me to leave.
他们要求我离开。
He says, but maybe you were good enough.
他说，但也许你已经足够好了。
They don't need to hear more.
他们不需要听到更多。
I said, no, no, no. One man was shaking his head.
我说，不，不，不。一名男子正在摇头。
He says, no, it's not possible.
他说，不，这是不可能的。
My dad was so-- he held his fist, hammering on the edge of the window.
我父亲是这样的——他握着拳头，敲打着窗沿。
The sound was behind him.
声音就在他身后。
He says, there got to be a way.
他说，一定有办法。
Got to be a way.
总得有个办法吧
Then in Chinese he says, [SPEAKING CHINESE].
然后他用中文说：[说中文]。
What's the solution?
解决办法是什么？
What's the solution now?
现在有什么解决办法吗？
Got to be a way.
总得有个办法吧
I looked at him.
我看着他。
I felt terrified.
我感到害怕。
I thought, I disappointed him.
我想，我让他失望了。
He says, have to find a way.
他说，得想办法。
You wait here, he said.
你在这里等一下，他说。
I said, don't go.
我说，别走。
Why did you try to talk him out of whatever this is?
你为什么要试图劝说他别管这件事？
Because I was embarrassed.
因为我很尴尬。
I don't want to be more embarrassed when people tell him how terrible I was.
当人们告诉他我有多糟糕时，我不想变得更加尴尬。
I said, I-- I really didn't do well.
我说，我……我真的做得不好。
It's my fault.
这是我的错。
I'm very, very sorry.
我非常非常抱歉。
He said, did you make a mistake?
他说，你是不是搞错了？
I said, I don't know.
我说，我不知道。
He said, just wait here.
他说，你就在这里等吧。
Let me just remind you.
让我提醒你一下。
Most people, you fail your audition, it's over.
大多数人，你试镜失败了，一切就结束了。
Not her dad.
不是她爸爸。
He went into the classroom where the auditions were, and outside the room a college student was packing up papers because Yibin was the last audition.
他走进试镜的教室，教室外面有一个大学生正在收拾试卷，因为宜宾是最后一次试镜。
She follows, violin in hand.
她手里拿着小提琴跟在后面。
I heard my dad.
我听我爸爸说。
He says, could she play again?
他说，她能再玩一次吗？
If she was so terrible, can you talk to them?
如果她这么可怕，你能和他们谈谈吗？
The guy says, no, I don't think so.
那家伙说，不，我不这么认为。
It's over.
结束了。
And my dad says, but what happened?
我爸爸说，但是发生了什么？
Can you find out?
你能查出来吗？
The guy says, I can't go in to talk.
那家伙说，我不能进去说话。
I'm a student.
我是一名学生。
I only work here.
我只在这里工作。
Then my dad says, you know, we took train 36 hours.
然后我爸爸说，你知道，我们坐了 36 个小时的火车。
You know where I'm from?
你知道我来自哪里吗？
The guy didn't answer.
那家伙没有回答。
He said, I'm from Jiuquan.
他说，我是酒泉人。
The guy says, oh.
那家伙说，哦。
You know, my uncle lived in town nearby.
你知道，我叔叔住在附近的镇上。
I know Jiuquan.
我知道酒泉。
My dad says, so you know.
我爸爸说，所以你知道。
You know how hard this is.
你知道这有多难。
And I think the guy, young guy, had a little soft spot for that.
我认为这个年轻人，对此有一点情有独钟。
Her dad says, can you just ask them to give her another chance?
她爸爸说，你能请他们再给她一次机会吗？
At least let her play to the end of the concerto.
至少让她演奏到协奏曲的结尾。
The guy says, I don't think I can do that.
那个人说，我想我做不到。
But I have to turn in these papers.
但我必须交出这些文件。
I'll find out what happened with her.
我会查明她发生了什么事。
So we waited outside.
于是我们就在外面等着。
I don't know how long.
我不知道要多久。
I just thought it was so hopeless, why my dad is embarrassing me.
我只是觉得这真是没救了，为什么我爸爸要让我难堪。
The guy came out, told my dad, they told me that she has good posture.
那家伙出来告诉我爸爸，他们告诉我她的姿势很好。
She has good intonation.
她语调很好。
But she played many wrong notes.
但她弹错了很多音符。
That's not acceptable.
这是不可接受的。
My dad says, what do you mean, wrong notes?
我爸爸说，你说错音符是什么意思？
I'm a musician.
我是一名音乐家。
I correct every note.
我纠正每一个笔记。
I played it with her, practice with her.
我和她一起玩，一起练习。
I know every note.
我知道每一个音符。
The guy says, but maybe you don't read music well.
那家伙说，但也许你不太懂乐谱。
Maybe you were wrong.
也许你错了。
He said, wait, I can show you the score.
他说，等等，我可以给你看分数。
Every note is correct.
每个注释都是正确的。
So he run back to his bag, then took the music, the hand-copied sheet music, came over.
于是他跑回包里，然后拿着乐谱，手抄的乐谱，走了过来。
He was basically begging.
他基本上是在乞讨。
He says, please, please.
他说，求你了，求你了。
I can't go back home like this.
我不能就这样回家了。
This is my only chance, our only chance.
这是我唯一的机会，我们唯一的机会。
He says this to him?
他对他说这些？
It's our only hope?
这是我们唯一的希望？
Yeah.
是的。
Yeah.
是的。
Yeah.
是的。
You, you are lucky.
你，你很幸运。
You study in the conservatory.
你在音乐学院学习。
But do you know how many people study in the conservatory from our hometown?
但你知道我们家乡有多少人在音乐学院学习吗？
None.
没有任何。
Violinist?
小提琴家？
None.
没有任何。
Please, just help me.
请帮帮我吧。
Her dad hands the student the score, and he looks at it.
她爸爸把乐谱递给学生，他看了看。
He was surprised.
他很惊讶。
He saw the score was all hand-copied.
他看到乐谱都是手抄的。
He says, did you copy this?
他说，你抄的吗？
Who wrote this?
这是谁写的？
He says, me.
他说，我。
But who you copied from?
但你抄袭了谁呢？
He says, my friend.
他说，我的朋友。
But where the score came from?
但分数从哪里来呢？
He said, I don't know.
他说，我不知道。
The student says, wait a minute, and goes back into the audition room.
学生说，等一下，然后回到试镜室。
This time he's gone for longer.
这次他离开的时间更长了。
I remember my dad was not looking at me.
我记得我爸爸没有看我。
He would just swallow.
他只会吞咽下去。
And then this time, one violin teacher came out.
然后这一次，一位小提琴老师走了出来。
It was not the one with double chin.
这不是那个有双下巴的人。
He says, come over here.
他说，过来吧。
Did you play from this copy?
你玩过这个副本吗？
I said, yes.
我说，是的。
And he asked my dad, that's your hand copy?
他问我爸爸，那是你的手抄本吗？
My dad said, yes.
我爸爸说，是的。
You know there are many wrong notes, right?
你知道有很多错误的笔记，对吗？
My dad says, no. I don't know.
我爸爸说，不。我不知道。
I copied right.
我抄对了。
I correct-- checked many times.
我纠正了——检查了很多次。
I don't think it's wrong.
我不认为这是错误的。
But the teacher said, but she played many wrong notes.
但老师说，她却弹错了很多音符。
It's from this score.
就从这个分数来看。
This is the wrong key.
这是错误的钥匙。
There's no F sharp.
没有升F。
But here, you are missing a flat, and there's many mistakes.
但在这里，你错过了一套公寓，而且有很多错误。
My dad says, but that's all we had.
我爸爸说，但这就是我们所拥有的一切。
My dad says, can you let her play-- finish-- if she didn't play well?
我爸爸说，如果她打得不好，你能让她打完吗？
He says, no, no, no. It's not about that.
他说，不，不，不。不是这个问题。
There's no second chance.
没有第二次机会了。
We don't give a second chance.
我们不会给第二次机会。
There's no second audition.
没有第二次试镜。
It's not fair to other people.
这对其他人不公平。
My dad was so hopeless.
我的父亲是如此绝望。
He says, OK.
他说，好吧。
I will talk to my colleague.
我会和我的同事谈谈。
My dad says, will you give her a chance?
我爸说，你能给她一次机会吗？
He says, no, don't ask question like that.
他说，不，不要问这样的问题。
I'm not going to say anything.
我不会说什么。
Dad says, but how many you will keep out of 15?
爸爸说，但是 15 个你会保留多少个呢？
He says, nine.
他说，九。
Six will get in, he says, and then three backups.
他说，将有六人加入，然后是三名备份。
That's all I can say.
我只能说这么多。
Now you have to go.
现在你必须走了。
What happened then?
然后发生了什么？
Yibin Li We went back home.
李宜宾 我们回家了。
There was two weeks of wait.
等待了两周。
Did you think you had any chance at all?
你以为你还有机会吗？
I was completely hopeless.
我彻底绝望了。
One day he got a telegraph from the post office.
有一天，他收到了一封来自邮局的电报。
Telegram, yeah.
电报，是的。
Yibin Li Oh, telegram.
李宜宾哦，电报。
One sentence.
一句话。
Yibin Li is selected, congratulations.
李宜宾入选，恭喜。
He had that telegram in his hand.
他手里拿着那封电报。
He read it many, many times.
他读了很多很多遍。
Read to my mom.
读给我妈妈听。
Read to me.
读给我听。
He was shaking.
他在发抖。
He says, I can't-- unbelievable.
他说，我不能——难以置信。
He couldn't help himself, had to reach out to the school.
他实在无法自拔，只好向学校求助。
Wrote a letter to the admissions office thanking them, saying how grateful and overjoyed they were.
给招生办公室写了一封感谢信，表达了他们的感激之情和欣喜若狂。
And he asked, how come you picked her?
他问，你怎么选了她？
The guy working at admissions was a very nice man.
在招生处工作的那个人是一个非常好的人。
He was about retiring.
他即将退休。
For some reason, he took moment to wrote letter to my dad.
出于某种原因，他抽出时间给我父亲写了一封信。
He says, I had sympathy.
他说，我有同情心。
I heard your story.
我听到了你的故事。
We were shocked about hand-copied each note, and I'm very touched.
我们对手抄每张笔记感到震惊，我很感动。
By the way, she got in because three other kids did not pass Chinese and math exams.
顺便说一句，她之所以能被录取，是因为另外三个孩子没有通过语文和数学考试。
She's on the bottom, but she's in.
她在底层，但她在里面。
Congratulations.
恭喜。
In other words, she was on the waitlist, number nine of nine kids.
换句话说，她在候补名单上，在九个孩子中排名第九。
Then three kids didn't have the academic qualifications to enter the school, so she got in.
后来三个孩子没有入学资格，她就进去了。
I mean, it's interesting.
我的意思是，这很有趣。
Your dad puts you on a path starting when you're like 11 and 1/2, and everything is going perfectly.
当你 11 岁又 1/2 岁的时候，你爸爸就让你走上了一条道路，一切都很顺利。
And you're at the audition, and then everything gets thrown off course.
当你参加试镜时，一切都偏离了轨道。
And then your dad just fights and fights and fights, grabs at any straw, and he just wills you back on course.
然后你爸爸就不停地战斗、战斗、战斗，抓住任何一根稻草，他只是想让你回到正轨。
Have you thought about that moment very much in the years since?
从那以后的几年里，你是否经常想起那一刻？
I always think my dad made me.
我一直认为我的父亲创造了我。
Without him, I wouldn't be me.
没有他，我就不是我。
I don't know what the other life could be.
我不知道另一种生活会是什么样。
I don't know.
我不知道。
But I love what I have.
但我喜欢我所拥有的。
I mean, I'm so lucky, doing what I love to do.
我的意思是，我很幸运，能做自己喜欢做的事。
It's all because of my father.
这一切都是因为我的父亲。
From the conservatory in Xi'an, she graduated and went to an even better conservatory for college in Shanghai.
她从西安音乐学院毕业，到上海更好的音乐学院读大学。
She graduated there and joined the faculty there, came to America, studied at Juilliard, now is in New York.
她在那里毕业并在那里任教，来到美国，在茱莉亚音乐学院学习，现在在纽约。
When she first came to America, her father cried on the bus to the airport, thinking he'd never see her again.
当她第一次来美国时，她的父亲在去机场的公共汽车上哭泣，以为他再也见不到她了。
The way he saw it, she was in a dream job in Shanghai.
在他看来，她在上海从事着一份梦想的工作。
Why would she ever leave it?
她为什么要离开它？
But then, her parents moved here in 2016.
但后来，她的父母于2016年搬到了这里。
Her dad died two years ago.
她的父亲两年前去世了。
Today, Yibin performs and records and teaches and has a 15-year-old daughter of her own.
如今，宜宾从事表演、录音、教学工作，并拥有一个 15 岁的女儿。
Have you had moments with your daughter where you felt like, OK, you need to jump in the way your dad did with you to save the day, to make her future?
你有没有和女儿在一起的时候，觉得，好吧，你需要像你父亲对你所做的那样跳起来，以拯救世界，为她创造未来？
She grew up in New York City.
她在纽约长大。
She can have any cake she wants.
她可以吃任何她想要的蛋糕。
Her daughter plays the violin, but if she wants she can sign up for flute.
她的女儿拉小提琴，但如果她愿意，可以报名学习长笛。
If that doesn't work out, she can do martial arts.
如果这不起作用，她可以练习武术。
If that's not right for her, she can try something else, whatever she wants.
如果这不适合她，她可以尝试其他事情，无论她想要什么。
That's the life Yibin wants for her, one where everything doesn't ride on a single audition, make or break, your whole future, with six strangers in a room on some random spring morning and your dad there to protect you.
这就是一斌想要的生活，在这样的生活中，一切都不会依赖于一次试镜，无论成败，你的整个未来，在某个随机的春天早晨，六个陌生人在一个房间里，而你的父亲在那里保护你。
Coming up, a 17-year-old girl starts swimming into the open ocean and ends up somewhere so different from what she'd planned on.
接下来，一名 17 岁的女孩开始游入公海，最终到达的地方与她计划的完全不同。
That's in a minute from Chicago Public Radio when our program continues.
芝加哥公共广播电台一分钟后我们的节目仍在继续。
It's This American Life.
这就是美国生活。
I'm Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯。
Today's program, "Off Course," stories of people-- and as you'll hear, not just people-- who get thrown off the very clear course that their lives were on and then have to invent what they're going to do next.
今天的节目“偏离路线”讲述的是人们的故事——正如你将听到的，不仅仅是人们——他们偏离了他们生活中非常清晰的路线，然后不得不发明他们下一步要做什么。
We've arrived at Act Two of our program.
我们已经到了节目的第二幕了。
Act Two, Synchronized Swimmers.
第二幕，花样游泳。
So in the ocean, when you get off course, there are all kinds of dangers that you face that just are not there when you're on dry land.
因此，在海洋中，当您偏离航线时，您会面临各种危险，而在陆地上则不会出现这些危险。
Phoebe Judge has a story where you see some of that.
菲比·贾吉（Phoebe Judge）有一个故事，你可以看到其中的一些内容。
She's the host of the This Is Love podcast, where a version of this story first ran.
她是“这就是爱”播客的主持人，该故事的一个版本首次在播客中播出。
When Lynne Cox was a teenager, she was a competitive long-distance ocean swimmer.
林恩·考克斯（Lynne Cox）十几岁时，是一名竞技长距离海洋游泳运动员。
Six days a week, she'd wake up early to swim at a beach near her house in Southern California.
每周有六天，她会早起去南加州她家附近的海滩游泳。
Typically, she'd swim back and forth in the deep water between a really long pier and a stone jetty.
通常，她会在很长的码头和石头码头之间的深水中来回游泳。
She was training for a 21-mile swim.
她正在训练 21 英里的游泳。
It was March, and I was 17 years old, and I was going for a morning swim.
那是三月，我 17 岁，我要去晨泳。
It was before the sun had risen, and the water was pitch black.
太阳还没有升起，水面一片漆黑。
I started swimming between the Seal Beach Pier and the jetty.
我开始在海豹滩码头和码头之间游泳。
And so my plan was just to go in and stretch out and swim for an hour and be done and then go hang out with my high school friends.
所以我的计划只是进去伸展一下身体，游一个小时，然后就去和我的高中朋友出去玩。
But I started swimming, and as I got closer to the pier, I felt the water hollowing out around me, meaning that I could feel something underneath pulling me forward.
但我开始游泳，当我靠近码头时，我感觉到水在我周围变空，这意味着我可以感觉到下面有什么东西在拉着我前进。
It felt like something really big was swimming below.
感觉下面有一个很大的东西在游动。
And so in my mind, I'm thinking, oh my gosh.
所以在我心里，我在想，天哪。
Is it a seal?
是印章吗？
And I'm like, no, it's too big for a seal.
我想，不，它对于海豹来说太大了。
And it's like, OK, is it a dolphin?
就像，好吧，这是海豚吗？
No, it's not a dolphin.
不，这不是海豚。
And then I thought, oh my god.
然后我想，天啊。
Could it be a shark?
它会是鲨鱼吗？
What is this below me?
我下面这个是什么？
I mean, this is most people's biggest nightmare on Earth, that they would be swimming in the water, and that they would feel something large underneath them.
我的意思是，这是地球上大多数人最大的噩梦，他们会在水中游泳，并且会感觉到下面有一个巨大的东西。
And I think that that's normal, to be scared.
我认为害怕是很正常的。
I mean, when you can't see anything below, but you can feel something, and you can also not just feel the motion but the presence of something.
我的意思是，当你看不到下面的任何东西时，但你可以感觉到某些东西，而且你不仅可以感觉到运动，还可以感觉到某些东西的存在。
But when you do these long swims, you have to keep your mind under control because if you freak out, then you're out of a swim.
但当你进行这些长时间的游泳时，你必须控制自己的情绪，因为如果你惊慌失措，那么你就无法游泳了。
So I kept talking to myself and saying, OK, you're not sure what it is.
所以我一直对自己说，好吧，你不确定那是什么。
Just move closer to shore.
只要靠近岸边就可以了。
So I swam closer to shore, but this thing kept swimming around near me.
于是我游得更靠近岸边，但这个东西一直在我附近游来游去。
The water kept getting hollowed out.
水不断地被掏空。
And I realized that whatever was there was still there, and it had not gone away.
我意识到，无论存在什么，它仍然存在，并且没有消失。
And I was just ready to turn and race out of the water.
我正准备转身冲出水面。
But there was an old man named Steve who worked in the bait shop on the pier, and he sort of watched over me and watched what was going on with the water.
但有一位名叫史蒂夫的老人在码头的鱼饵店工作，他有点监视着我，观察着水里的情况。
And I could see him standing under a light on the pier, waving toward me to come, to swim out to him.
我可以看到他站在码头的灯光下，向我招手，让我游到他身边。
And he yelled at me and said, Lynne, come here.
他对我大喊，说，林恩，过来。
There's a baby whale swimming with you.
有一只小鲸鱼和你一起游泳。
So you stick your head out of the water, and he's waving, and he says, there's a baby whale?
所以你把头伸出水面，他在挥手，他说，有一条小鲸鱼？
Yeah.
是的。
He said a baby whale, and I'm like, really?
他说是小鲸鱼，我说，真的吗？
I have never seen a baby whale in the wild before.
我以前从未在野外见过小鲸鱼。
So he told me that the baby whale had lost his mother, and I needed to stay with the baby whale.
所以他告诉我，小鲸鱼失去了母亲，我需要留在小鲸鱼身边。
Why did you need to stay with the baby whale?
你为什么要和小鲸鱼呆在一起？
Why couldn't you get out?
为什么你出不去？
He was afraid that if I turned to go to shore that the baby whale would follow me and possibly could run aground, but he also thought that maybe the baby whale will just swim off and be totally lost.
他担心如果我转身上岸，小鲸鱼会跟着我，可能会搁浅，但他也认为也许小鲸鱼会游走，然后完全迷路。
So his idea was that you just need to stay with the baby whale.
所以他的想法是你只需要和小鲸鱼呆在一起就可以了。
It can be dangerous for baby whales to be separated from their mothers.
对于小鲸鱼来说，与母亲分离可能会很危险。
There are predators around, like sharks, and also, young whales are totally dependent on their mother's milk to survive.
周围有鲨鱼等掠食者，而且幼鲸完全依赖母乳生存。
A while back, there was a story about a baby whale getting so lost it tried to suckle on a yacht.
不久前，有一个关于小鲸鱼迷路后试图在游艇上吃奶的故事。
That sense of being lost was something I related to with the baby whale.
那种迷失的感觉与小鲸鱼有关。
Is it easy as a swimmer to get off course?
作为一名游泳运动员，很容易偏离航线吗？
Yeah.
是的。
And I think the thing that most people don't know about when you're in the ocean-- if you get lost, and you try to continue going, you start swimming in a huge circle.
我认为，当你在海洋中时，大多数人都不知道这一点——如果你迷路了，而你试图继续前进，你就会开始绕一个大圈游泳。
And that makes it more difficult for anyone to find you.
这使得任何人都更难找到你。
And so the mother may not find the baby ever.
所以母亲可能永远找不到婴儿。
At this point, Lynne still couldn't see the baby whale beneath her in the water.
此时，琳恩仍然看不到她身下水下的小鲸鱼。
She only saw bits and pieces of it swimming.
她只看到它在游动的碎片。
You could only see part of him.
你只能看到他的一部分。
I mean, you couldn't see his whole head or face.
我的意思是，你看不到他的整个头或脸。
You just saw his back.
你刚刚看到了他的背影。
And the baby gray whale then surfaced, and he swam over toward me.
然后小灰鲸浮出水面，向我游过来。
It was scary.
太可怕了。
It was scary because he was so big, and I was not sure how to deal with him.
这很可怕，因为他太大了，我不知道如何对付他。
I mean, how do I interact with a whale?
我的意思是，我如何与鲸鱼互动？
Steve, though, was so calm and assured that it was just fine to be in the water with a baby that I thought, well, he knows.
不过，史蒂夫非常平静，也很放心，带着孩子在水里就好了，我想，好吧，他知道。
He's this old guy that's been out here forever, and so he knows everything about the ocean.
他是个一直在这里生活的老家伙，所以他知道关于海洋的一切。
So I will do what he told me to do is, and then I'll just stay out here with this whale until we find his mother.
所以我会按照他告诉我的去做，然后我会和这条鲸鱼呆在这里，直到找到他的母亲。
Steve got on the radio to all the fishing boat captains and lifeguards along the coast and told them to keep their eyes out for a large gray whale traveling north.
史蒂夫通过无线电通知沿岸所有渔船船长和救生员，告诉他们要留意一头向北航行的大灰鲸。
He told Lynne to swim back towards the jetty.
他告诉琳恩游回码头。
Once she got to the jetty, she turned around and swam back to the pier again.
到了码头，她转身又游回了码头。
The baby stayed with her.
婴儿留在了她身边。
We were sort of side by side, or he was right underneath me or very, very close.
我们有点并排，或者他就在我下面，或者非常非常接近。
And at one point, he just rolled over and looked right at me.
有一次，他翻了个身，直视着我。
And it was just the most amazing thing in the world because I felt like he sees me and I see him, and we're together.
这是世界上最奇妙的事情，因为我感觉他看到了我，我也看到了他，我们在一起了。
It was sort of the size, I'd say, of a plum or a orange.
我想说，它的大小相当于李子或橙子。
It's large.
它很大。
And it was dark, dark, dark brown, almost black.
它是黑色的，黑色的，深棕色的，几乎是黑色的。
Did you try to talk to him?
你尝试和他说话吗？
Were you talking to him?
你在跟他说话吗？
Yes.
是的。
[LAUGHS] Yes, yes.
[笑]是的，是的。
I mean, I was like-- as if he would understand-- but I told him he'd be OK and that things will work out, and we'll find his mother.
我的意思是，我当时想——就好像他会理解一样——但我告诉他他会没事的，事情会解决的，我们会找到他的母亲。
And I'm thinking, oh my gosh.
我在想，天哪。
He can't understand my words, but maybe he'll understand the feeling or the intention.
他听不懂我的话，但也许他会明白我的感受或意图。
They swam for an hour, then another hour.
他们游了一个小时，然后又游了一个小时。
Lynne started to wonder if it was even possible for the mother to find the baby.
琳恩开始怀疑母亲是否有可能找到婴儿。
How do you find something in the ocean?
如何在海洋中找到东西？
She got scared that the mother might never be coming.
她害怕母亲可能永远不会来。
She got scared that the mother could be dead.
她害怕母亲可能会死。
Maybe the mother was dead.
也许母亲已经死了。
Some people had gathered on the pier with Steve to watch what was going on, and the fishermen out in boats were all talking to each other on the radio.
有些人和史蒂夫聚集在码头上观看发生的事情，船上的渔民都在通过无线电互相交谈。
One of them reported seeing a large gray whale swimming near an oil rig about a mile and a half offshore.
其中一人报告称，看到一头大型灰鲸在离岸约一英里半的石油钻井平台附近游泳。
And then, as though the baby whale was listening to the radio, it abruptly turned and started swimming in the direction of the oil rig.
然后，小鲸鱼就像在听广播一样，突然转身，开始向石油钻井平台的方向游去。
Normally, Lynne wouldn't swim out into the open ocean without a boat or somebody near her, but she decided to follow.
通常情况下，如果没有船或没有人在她身边，琳恩不会游到公海中，但她决定跟随。
He made a point of swimming right in front of me and a little bit below so I could swim in his slipstream.
他特意在我前面和下面一点的地方游泳，这样我就可以在他的滑流中游泳。
And I thought, wow, I bet he learned that from his mother.
我想，哇，我敢打赌他是从他母亲那里学来的。
I bet when they were migrating north, he was in her slipstream, and it enabled him to swim much easier than against the strong currents.
我敢打赌，当他们向北迁徙时，他就在她的尾流中，这使他比逆流而上游得容易得多。
And it was just so cool.
真是太酷了。
I mean, because I was hardly moving at all, my arms, and I was just flying through the water.
我的意思是，因为我的手臂几乎没有移动，我只是在水中飞翔。
And I just thought, wow, can he-- you know, at times, I tried to think about, how does he see me?
我只是想，哇，他能——你知道吗，有时，我试着想，他怎么看我？
And he must have thought, horrible swimmer, she is.
他一定想，她是个可怕的游泳运动员。
[LAUGHS] He's just so beautiful, elegant, graceful in the water and just moves so effortlessly.
[笑]他在水中是如此美丽、优雅、优雅，而且动作如此轻松。
Just one big kick of his fin, his tail fin, his fluke, and he would just move, and here I was struggling with my arms.
只要用力踢一下他的鳍、尾鳍、尾鳍，他就会移动，而我却在用手臂挣扎。
He probably thought I needed help.
他可能认为我需要帮助。
By this time, Lynne had been in the water with the whale for almost four hours.
此时，林恩已经和鲸鱼一起在水里待了近四个小时。
As strong a swimmer as Lynne was, she didn't know how much longer she could be in that cold water.
林恩虽然是游泳健将，但她不知道自己还能在冰冷的水中坚持多久。
They swam towards the oil rig for a while but didn't see the other whale, and Lynne realized she'd have to make a decision soon.
他们向石油钻井平台游了一会儿，但没有看到另一头鲸鱼，琳恩意识到她必须尽快做出决定。
I was used to swimming very long distances.
我习惯了游很长的距离。
But there were points along the way where I was getting tired and cold because I was not swimming at my normal speed.
但沿途有些地方我感到疲倦和寒冷，因为我没有以正常速度游泳。
I was treading water.
我踩着水。
I was wondering where the whale was going because he was suddenly diving down deep into the water.
我想知道鲸鱼要去哪里，因为它突然潜入水深处。
And I think it was about four and a half hours or five hours into this time out there in the water I was getting really cold, and I realized that I was putting myself in danger now, that I could go into hypothermia.
我想大约四个半小时或五个小时后，我在水里变得非常冷，我意识到我现在正把自己置于危险之中，我可能会体温过低。
And if I got hypothermia, then I could become really disoriented, and I could also pass out in the water.
如果我体温过低，我可能会变得非常迷失方向，我也可能会在水中昏倒。
It was five hours of swimming around and not really going anywhere.
游了五个小时，却没有真正去任何地方。
So I decided that I really needed to start getting back toward the pier.
所以我决定我真的需要开始返回码头。
She turned around and swam back toward the pier.
她转身游回码头。
The whale stayed with her.
鲸鱼留在了她身边。
Then Lynne saw a Long Beach lifeguard boat coming towards her at full speed.
然后林恩看到一艘长滩救生船全速向她驶来。
And when it reached her, a lifeguard told her she was out too far, but then he told her something else.
当消息传到她身边时，一名救生员告诉她，她已经离得太远了，但随后他又告诉了她一些别的事情。
A commercial fishing boat had spotted a solo whale only a half mile from the pier, where Lynne usually swam, and that the whale was now swimming in their direction.
一艘商业渔船在距离林恩通常游泳的码头仅半英里的地方发现了一条单独的鲸鱼，而这条鲸鱼现在正朝他们的方向游来。
I kept thinking, oh my god, please let him somehow hear her.
我一直在想，天哪，请让他以某种方式听到她的声音。
Hopefully she's making some kind of noise so that he can understand that she's approaching, or maybe he's doing something that she's hearing, the cry of the baby to come and find him.
希望她能发出某种声音，以便他能明白她正在接近，或者也许他正在做一些她听到的事情，婴儿的哭声来找他。
Even though this is what she'd been hoping for, Lynne didn't quite know what to do.
尽管这是她一直希望的，但林恩却不太知道该怎么办。
Full-size gray whales can be 50 feet long and weigh 90,000 pounds.
全尺寸的灰鲸可长 50 英尺，重 90,000 磅。
Oh, I would have gotten so-- I would have been-- I would have gotten so-- did you get nervous about this mother coming?
哦，我本来会这样的——我本来会这样的——我本来会这样的——你对这位母亲的到来感到紧张吗？
I was really nervous because, again, it was like, do I stay in the water?
我真的很紧张，因为我又想，我要留在水里吗？
Do I get out of the water?
我能从水里出来吗？
Do I stay with the baby?
我要和宝宝一起住吗？
What do I do?
我该怎么办？
And so I thought, well, my intention all along has been good, and the baby recognizes that.
所以我想，好吧，我的意图一直都是好的，婴儿也意识到了这一点。
And so hopefully they're communicating, and she will understand that this has been a good thing.
希望他们能够进行沟通，她会明白这是一件好事。
And what happened?
发生了什么？
Lynne Cox When she actually swam over to us, she came over very, very slowly and didn't come really close to me initially.
Lynne Cox 当她真正游向我们时，她游得非常非常慢，一开始并没有离我很近。
But a few minutes later, she came right next to me.
但几分钟后，她就来到了我身边。
And when a mother whale comes next to you, it's like a bus pulling up beside you.
当母鲸来到你身边时，就像一辆公共汽车停在你身边。
And I backed away some because I was afraid.
我因为害怕而退缩了一些。
I mean, the animal is 40 feet long, 45 feet long, and to be in the water with something so huge is frightening.
我的意思是，这种动物有 40 英尺长、45 英尺长，和如此巨大的东西一起在水中是很可怕的。
I mean, because just one push of her fin or anything, I could be hurt.
我的意思是，因为只要轻轻一推她的鳍或其他东西，我就可能受伤。
So I tried to tell myself, just be calm.
所以我试着告诉自己，要冷静。
Just float on the water, and if she doesn't want you around, you will know that very quickly.
只要漂浮在水面上，如果她不想让你在身边，你很快就会知道。
So I saw them together, and it was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen in my life, to see the mother and baby reunited.
所以我看到他们在一起，这是我一生中见过的最美丽的事情之一，看到母亲和婴儿团聚。
I mean, for five hours, we'd been out there swimming together.
我的意思是，我们一起游泳了五个小时。
And she came over.
她也过来了。
She approached me.
她走近我。
And so she was so close that I thought, I'm going to touch her.
她离我如此之近，以至于我想，我要触碰她了。
I'm just going to do it because I feel like a part of this whole thing.
我之所以这么做只是因为我感觉自己是这整件事的一部分。
And I touched her, and I could feel that she felt my hand on her.
我触碰了她，我能感觉到她感觉到我的手在她身上。
And it was amazing because she was so big.
这太神奇了，因为她太大了。
And then a few minutes later, they swam off.
几分钟后，他们游走了。
While Lynne swam back to the shore, the lifeguard made sure that the cargo ships around Los Angeles Harbor knew where the mother and baby were swimming.
当琳恩游回岸边时，救生员确保洛杉矶港周围的货船知道母亲和婴儿在哪里游泳。
Later, boats reported seeing the two join a group of whales on their way north.
后来，船只报告称看到这两个人加入了一群鲸鱼，向北航行。
When she got back to the beach, Lynne asked a lifeguard if she could use the phone to call her parents to let them know that her workout had gone longer than she expected, and she was on her way home.
当她回到海滩时，林恩问救生员是否可以用电话给父母打电话，让他们知道她的锻炼时间比她预期的要长，她正在回家的路上。
And it was so weird, though, to go from-- that's always so weird, to be in this amazing environment, the ocean, to then leave it and then go back to, OK, now what am I doing the rest of the day?
然而，这太奇怪了，从——这总是很奇怪，在这个令人惊叹的环境中，海洋，然后离开它，然后回到，好吧，现在我这一天剩下的时间在做什么？
It's just so strange.
真是太奇怪了。
But I didn't tell my parents what had happened because I knew I would have been in so much trouble, because it was so irresponsible for me to swim offshore without support, without people watching the water.
但我没有告诉父母发生了什么事，因为我知道我会遇到很多麻烦，因为我在没有支持、没有人看管水流的情况下游到离岸去是非常不负责任的。
But I told myself it was really OK because Steve was out there watching, and the lifeguards were out there watching, and they knew what was going on.
但我告诉自己这真的没关系，因为史蒂夫在外面看着，救生员也在外面看着，他们知道发生了什么。
But it was still a stretch.
但这仍然是一个延伸。
I think now that what I did was pretty dumb, but if I was to do it again, I'd still do it because I felt like it was something I could do.
我现在觉得我所做的事情很愚蠢，但是如果我再做一次，我仍然会这样做，因为我觉得这是我可以做的事情。
A few weeks later, Lynne found herself off course in the ocean.
几周后，林恩发现自己偏离了大海的航向。
She was trying to set a record, become the fastest person to swim the Catalina Channel, that 21-mile stretch off the coast of California.
她试图创造一项纪录，成为游过距加利福尼亚海岸 21 英里的卡塔利娜海峡最快的人。
Lynne set out at midnight with a support boat-- a dory-- and a coach on a paddle board beside her.
林恩在午夜出发，带着一艘支援船——一艘平底船——旁边还有一辆桨板上的马车。
On that attempt from Catalina Island, the fog came in at midnight.
在卡塔利娜岛的那次尝试中，午夜时分浓雾袭来。
I got separated from my support boat, the dory, and I just had a coach on a paddle board, so we were lost in the middle of the channel at midnight.
我和我的支援船——平底船失散了，而我的桨板上只有一辆教练船，所以我们在午夜时分在航道中央迷路了。
And there were ships surrounding us, and we were feeling the bow waves breaking.
我们周围有船只，我们感觉到船头的波浪正在破碎。
To be lost in the fog where you can't see more than 10 meters in front of you in the pitch blackness, and to feel and to hear ships moving around you, is absolutely terrifying.
在一片漆黑中迷失在雾中，看不到前方10多米的地方，并且感觉和听到船只在你周围移动，这绝对是可怕的。
And my coach, who had had no experience in the open water, had told me to just keep swimming because eventually the crew would find us.
我的教练没有在开放水域游泳的经验，他告诉我继续游泳，因为最终船员会找到我们。
But then Lynne thought of the baby whale.
但随后林恩想到了小鲸鱼。
The way the whale, even though it lived in the water, had lost its way and ended up further and further from its mother.
鲸鱼虽然生活在水中，却迷失了方向，最终离母亲越来越远。
Lynne didn't want this to happen to her, so she stopped swimming and gave up her attempt at the record.
琳恩不想让这种事发生在自己身上，所以她停止了游泳，并放弃了打破纪录的尝试。
She says she and her coach just stayed put, bobbing up and down in the water until eventually her crew picked them up.
她说她和她的教练只是留在原地，在水中上下浮动，直到最终她的工作人员把他们救起来。
Phoebe Judge.
菲比法官。
A version of this story was on her podcast, This Is Love, from Criminal and Vox Media.
这个故事的一个版本出现在她的播客“这就是爱”中，由Criminal 和 Vox Media 提供。
Lynne Cox, who she interviewed, twice won the record for the fastest crossing of the English Channel.
她采访的林恩·考克斯曾两次获得最快穿越英吉利海峡的纪录。
She was also the very first person to swim across the Bering Strait from the United States to the Soviet Union.
她也是第一个从美国游过白令海峡到达苏联的人。
Just for the record, by the way, it can be illegal to touch a whale.
顺便说一句，郑重声明一下，触摸鲸鱼可能是违法的。
So, you know, don't try this at home.
所以，你知道，不要在家里尝试这个。
Act Three, The Year of Manic-al Thinking.
第三幕，疯狂思考之年。
So we now turn to another father and daughter who get abruptly thrown off the path they thought they were on, shoved off course.
因此，我们现在转向另一对父女，他们突然偏离了他们以为自己走的道路，被推离了轨道。
And in this case, we see the strange places that takes them to.
在这种情况下，我们看到了他们去的奇怪的地方。
Casey Wilson is a comedian.
凯西·威尔逊是一位喜剧演员。
She tells the story.
她讲故事。
It begins when she's 24 years old, and her mom dies suddenly.
故事从她24岁时开始，她的母亲突然去世。
It happened on a family trip to Rehoboth Beach, Delaware.
这件事发生在一次去特拉华州里霍博斯比奇的家庭旅行中。
My parents got there a day before my brother and me and had a nice married couple's evening.
我的父母比我和兄弟早一天到达那里，并度过了一个愉快的新婚之夜。
Bought a Tom Clancy novel for my dad, took a walk on the beach holding hands, fell asleep watching Sex and the City.
给我爸爸买了一本汤姆·克兰西小说，手牵着手在海滩上散步，看着《欲望都市》睡着了。
The next morning, my dad got up earlier than my mom.
第二天早上，爸爸比妈妈起得早。
And so I went to breakfast and gathered up all the papers for her, and then I came back to the room.
于是我去吃早餐并为她收集了所有文件，然后我回到了房间。
And lo and behold, I got just the shock of a lifetime as I realized that she wasn't doing very well at all.
你瞧，当我意识到她的表现一点都不好时，我感到了一生中从未有过的震惊。
I mean, that's to say the least.
我的意思是，至少可以这么说。
She had turned black and blue in the two hours I had gone and left, and she had clearly died in that period of time from a heart attack.
在我离开的两个小时里，她的脸色变得青一块紫一块，而且她显然是在那段时间因心脏病发作而死的。
My dad, Paul, can be a little detached when he talks about this.
我的父亲保罗在谈论这件事时可能有点超然。
And it's not just that it's a tough thing for anyone to talk about.
这不仅仅是因为这对任何人来说都是一件很难谈论的事情。
He has a really hard time talking about his feelings.
他真的很难谈论自己的感受。
But he's expressive in so many other ways.
但他在很多其他方面都很富有表现力。
To be clear, he's a great dad.
需要明确的是，他是一位伟大的父亲。
When I was eight, he built this stage for me in the backyard to put on plays and during the finale set off fireworks in the garden.
当我八岁的时候，他在后院为我搭建了这个舞台，让我上演戏剧，并在终场时在花园里燃放烟花。
He was my Girl Scout leader till I was 17.
在我 17 岁之前，他一直是我的女童子军领袖。
He's got a big personality.
他很有个性。
He's happy-go-lucky, generous.
他性格开朗、慷慨。
Makes political ads for a living, so he has friends all over the country.
以制作政治广告为生，因此他的朋友遍布全国。
People call him the unofficial mayor of our neighborhood.
人们称他为我们社区的非官方市长。
And my mom, Kathy, was an equally big personality.
我的妈妈凯西也是一个同样有个性的人。
She fought for the Equal Rights Amendment, was the youngest chairwoman of the National Women's Political Caucus.
她为平等权利修正案而奋斗，是全国妇女政治核心小组最年轻的主席。
She was an incredibly passionate person, the type who could go from anger to laughter in the same sentence, extremely funny, and, really, just fun.
她是一个非常热情的人，一句话就能从愤怒变成笑声，非常有趣，而且真的很有趣。
But the thing she'd say before anything we did was, let's have a big old time.
但在我们做任何事之前她会说的是，让我们度过一段美好的旧时光吧。
And so for her to just be gone so suddenly-- she was only 54-- even my dad, who has a hard time expressing feelings, the word he uses is brutal.
所以她就这么突然离开了——她才 54 岁——即使是我很难表达感情的父亲，他用的词也很残酷。
It was absolutely, instantly paralyzing, instantly frightening, and disorienting.
这绝对是瞬间瘫痪、瞬间恐惧、迷失方向。
In a state of shock, my dad did something really strange, something I've never heard of anyone doing.
在震惊的状态下，我父亲做了一件非常奇怪的事情，这是我从未听说过有人做过的事情。
Well, I remember that back in the day, we had film.
嗯，我记得那天我们有电影。
And so I noticed that I had a few images left on the roll.
所以我注意到胶卷上还留有一些图像。
This was 2005.
那是2005年。
Paul Wilson And I was alone with your mom, and I decided to capture the moment with a few stills.
保罗·威尔逊 我和你妈妈单独在一起，我决定用几张剧照来捕捉这一时刻。
What I didn't realize is how gruesome it really did look, that when life is gone, it is gone.
我没有意识到它看起来确实多么可怕，当生命消失时，它就消失了。
And, Dad, why was your instinct in that moment to take photos of Mom?
爸爸，为什么你在那一刻本能地给妈妈拍照？
Well, I just felt like we might want this.
嗯，我只是觉得我们可能想要这个。
Now, it turned out we didn't want it, but we went ahead and have it.
现在，事实证明我们并不想要它，但我们还是得到了它。
I found these photos by accident.
我偶然发现了这些照片。
I was home about a year after she died and flipping through rolls and rolls of photos my dad took, and intermingled between pictures of his softball team were about a dozen photos of my mom, dead.
她去世大约一年后，我回到家，翻阅着我父亲拍的一卷卷照片，在他垒球队的照片中夹杂着十几张我母亲去世的照片。
And one was a selfie.
其中一张是自拍照。
I threw them on the ground and just remember screaming and crying and my dad saying, oops.
我把它们扔到地上，只记得尖叫和哭泣，我爸爸说，哎呀。
Forgot those were on that roll.
忘了那些在那卷上。
I thought, who would do this?
我想，谁会做这件事呢？
Take a selfie with a dead body?
和尸体自拍？
And then how do you forget you have these photos and just leave them out for your kids to find?
然后你怎么会忘记你有这些照片而把它们留在外面让你的孩子找到呢？
I mean, I was equally unmoored by my mom's death.
我的意思是，我妈妈的死同样让我感到不安。
I moved a mattress into my closet.
我把一张床垫搬进了衣柜。
I set up a shrine to my mom around me and spent hours crying in the darkness of that strange cave.
我在我周围为我的妈妈建立了一座神殿，并在那个奇怪的洞穴的黑暗中哭泣了几个小时。
But my dad dealt with it very differently.
但我父亲的处理方式却截然不同。
He made choices I've never understood, and we've never spoken about it.
他做出了我一直无法理解的选择，我们也从未谈论过。
Talking for this story is the first conversation we've ever had about that time.
谈论这个故事是我们关于那段时期的第一次对话。
Let's start with the funeral.
我们先从葬礼开始吧。
My dad became obsessed with the idea that we were not only going to want it filmed, but filmed right.
我父亲痴迷于这样一个想法：我们不仅要拍摄它，而且要拍摄得正确。
So he hired a crew to do it as a three-camera shoot, like a TV sitcom, to make into a DVD that he'd give out as stocking stuffers.
于是他雇了一个工作人员用三机位拍摄，就像电视情景喜剧一样，然后制作成 DVD，作为圣诞礼物分发出去。
Just what everyone wants for Christmas.
这正是每个人都想要的圣诞节。
To give you a sense of how hardcore my dad was about all this, when I gave my eulogy, the sound cut out during the last five minutes.
为了让你们感受到我父亲对这一切有多么顽固，当我发表悼词时，声音在最后五分钟被切断了。
So he insisted on bringing me into the sound booth at his office to do ADR, which in TV and film is when you rerecord any dialogue that got messed up.
所以他坚持带我到他办公室的录音室做 ADR，在电视和电影中，就是重新录制任何混乱的对话。
I work as an actress, and I've done this many times.
我是一名演员，我已经做过很多次了。
But to be directed by my father saying goodbye to my mom was surreal.
但在父亲的指挥下向母亲告别真是超现实。
And so I had you rerecord.
所以我让你重新录制。
And so I pushed you a little bit, and you weren't into it.
所以我给了你一点压力，但你不喜欢。
It was very low energy.
这是非常低的能量。
And I said, come on, Casey.
我说，来吧，凯西。
You've got to do this with a little more enthusiasm, a little more oomph.
你必须以更多的热情、更多的活力来做到这一点。
A little more oomph.
多一点魅力。
You wanted me to be-- you wanted me to feel it more.
你希望我——你希望我有更多的感受。
Yeah.
是的。
Casey Wilson And, quote, "really go there."
凯西·威尔逊（Casey Wilson）并且，引用的话，“真的去那里。”
And to cry.
并哭泣。
Casey Wilson And to cry, yeah.
凯西·威尔逊 哭吧，是的。
So I had you do it with a little more oomph, and we finally got a good take.
所以我让你做得更有魅力一点，我们终于得到了一个好的结果。
But why did it feel so important to you at the time?
但为什么当时它对你来说如此重要？
That's a good question.
这是个好问题。
It just felt like that was an act of completion, and we needed it.
感觉就像这是一个完成的行为，我们需要它。
We needed it done.
我们需要完成它。
The final product did drop by Christmas.
最终产品确实在圣诞节前发布了。
It was a three-and-a-half-hour two-parter that, I'm guessing, not one person watched.
这是一部时长三个半小时的二人剧，我猜没有人观看。
Next, my dad decided to, quote, "take the funeral on the road," meaning he set up six additional funerals in different cities across the country for his friends.
接下来，我父亲决定引用“在路上举行葬礼”，这意味着他在全国各地的不同城市为他的朋友们另外举办了六场葬礼。
If the funeral in our hometown was the Broadway show, my dad embarked on the national tour.
如果说家乡的葬礼是百老汇演出，那么我父亲就开始了全国巡演。
He booked hotel conference rooms, brought along a life-size photo of my mom, and redelivered his own eulogy.
他预订了酒店会议室，带来了我妈妈的真人大小照片，并重新发表了自己的悼词。
At some of these, there were 60 or 70 people.
其中一些有 60 或 70 人。
At the time, I could not understand why he would put himself through this again and again.
当时我不明白他为什么要一次又一次地让自己经历这样的事情。
The way I saw it back then, based on his daily updates, these felt less like funerals and more like huge parties for him.
在我当时的看法中，根据他的每日更新，对他来说，这些感觉不像葬礼，而更像是大型派对。
I mean, a lot of these people never even met my mom, which left me wondering, what was the point?
我的意思是，很多人甚至从未见过我妈妈，这让我想知道，这有什么意义呢？
I wanted her, meaning your mom, I wanted her to feel like we had really loved her and really cherished her.
我想要她，指的是你的妈妈，我想让她感觉我们真的爱她并且真的珍惜她。
Yeah.
是的。
Did you think at the time you felt more like, I'm doing this as sort something to keep busy or drive towards or do instead of maybe, like, feeling?
你是否认为当时你的感觉更像是，我这样做是为了保持忙碌或努力去做某事，而不是也许，就像，感觉？
To me, this was healing.
对我来说，这很治愈。
This was how I healed.
我就是这样痊愈的。
Weeks after my dad got back from the funeral tour, just three months after my mom died, I got a phone call from him I never would have imagined I'd get so soon.
我父亲参加葬礼回来几周后，也就是我母亲去世三个月后，我接到了他的电话，我从来没想过会这么快接到。
I was driving in LA, where I live, and he told me he was going to start dating again.
我当时在我居住的洛杉矶开车，他告诉我他要再次开始约会。
Then he amended that and said he had actually already started dating again.
然后他修正了这一点，并说他实际上已经重新开始约会了。
I found it unthinkable.
我觉得不可思议。
How could he possibly be ready to date?
他怎么可能准备好约会呢？
It felt so dishonoring of my mom.
感觉这对我妈妈来说是一种极大的侮辱。
I've never understood it and never asked why he started dating so soon till we had this conversation.
在我们进行这次谈话之前，我一直无法理解，也从未问过他为什么这么快就开始约会。
The way he tells it, it's like it happened to him.
从他讲述的方式来看，这就像发生在他身上一样。
This was not what I expected.
这不是我所期望的。
So I'm at the bar, and I had my back to the windows.
所以我在酒吧，背对着窗户。
And all of a sudden, I hear pounding on the window.
突然，我听到敲打窗户的声音。
And I turn around, and it's somebody I don't know, and they are motioning for me to go outside.
我转身，看到一个我不认识的人，他们示意我出去。
I go outside, and they instantly start kissing me.
我走到外面，他们立即开始亲吻我。
Don't ask me why.
别问我为什么。
What?
什么？
Paul Wilson Yeah.
保罗·威尔逊 是的。
Maybe they had had a little too much to drink.
也许他们喝得太多了。
Wait.
等待。
Wait a minute.
等一下。
This is harassment.
这是骚扰。
Yes.
是的。
Just out of the blue.
出乎意料。
And I go, whoa--
我走了，哇——
You're telling me a woman kissed you from seeing you in a window?
你是说一个女人因为在窗户里看到你而吻了你？
This woman was a complete stranger and, to my eye, a predator.
这个女人完全是个陌生人，在我看来，她是一个掠夺者。
But to my dad, this felt like a meet-cute in When Harry Met Sally.
但对我爸爸来说，这感觉就像《当哈利遇见莎莉》中的一次可爱的邂逅。
And not long after that, the floodgates opened.
不久之后，闸门打开了。
He started dating everyone.
他开始和每个人约会。
My mom's good friends, Mom's first cousin, a C-SPAN anchor, everyone.
我妈妈的好朋友，妈妈的表弟，C-SPAN 的主播，大家。
He literally-- he asked a woman out he met in a crosswalk.
他确实——他约了一个在人行横道上遇到的女人出去。
When I think of my dad at this time, it's like he was a blurry image.
此时想起父亲，他的形象就变得模糊了。
He just never stopped moving.
他只是从未停止过前进。
Some people say that the first year after a loved one dies is the worst, but for him, as he entered year two, things ramped up even more.
有人说亲人去世后的第一年是最糟糕的，但对他来说，进入第二年，事情变得更加糟糕。
He was acting manic.
他表现得很狂躁。
He'd call every day with these new, grandiose ideas and big plans that no one could talk him out of.
他每天都会打电话提出这些新的、宏伟的想法和宏伟的计划，没有人能说服他放弃。
At one point, he attempted to wallpaper our living room with wrapping paper because, as he told me, why pay all that money for wallpaper when wrapping paper at the Paper Source is just as nice?
有一次，他试图用包装纸给我们的客厅贴壁纸，因为正如他告诉我的那样，既然 Paper Source 的包装纸也同样好，为什么还要花那么多钱买壁纸呢？
He bought a woman in our church new teeth.
他给我们教堂的一位女士买了新牙。
And then there was his hair.
然后是他的头发。
So I walked into the woman who'd been cutting my hair, and she was a senior expert.
于是我走进了给我剪头发的那位女士，她是一位资深专家。
And I walked in, and I said, I want to do something different, and I pulled out a $20 bill.
我走进去，说，我想做点不同的事情，然后我拿出一张 20 美元的钞票。
And I held it up to her, and I said, I want to look like this.
我把它举给她，我说，我想要看起来像这样。
And it's Andrew Jackson, and he has long waves of hair that go back across his ear and to the back of his head.
这是安德鲁·杰克逊，他有一头长长的波浪发，从耳朵后面一直延伸到后脑勺。
And I go, that's how I want to look.
我走了，这就是我想要的样子。
This senior expert gave him a large barrel perm.
这位资深专家给他烫了一个大筒烫发。
He texted me a picture of himself in curlers.
他给我发了一张他戴着卷发夹的照片。
It is a shock I have never gotten over and one I hope no one else has to go through.
这是我从未经历过的震惊，我希望其他人也不会经历这种震惊。
Then, he had a run-in with the law.
然后，他就触犯了法律。
One night at a restaurant, he picked a fight with a maitre d' on behalf of an older woman who was not being seated, and the cops were called.
一天晚上，他在一家餐馆里代表一名没有座位的老妇人与领班打架，结果报了警。
And as they were dragging him out, my dad, who hadn't eaten yet, managed to rally the whole bar into throwing nuts into his mouth, shouting, "Nut me!" as he passed.
当他们把他拖出来时，我爸爸还没吃东西，他设法团结整个酒吧，把坚果扔进他嘴里，喊道：“坚果我！”当他经过时。
He called me later that night laughing, just thinking I would get such a kick out of the story and his great comedic exit line.
那天晚上晚些时候，他笑着打电话给我，只是觉得我会从这个故事和他伟大的喜剧退出台词中得到很大的乐趣。
And he was shocked by how concerned I was.
他对我的担心感到震惊。
Now, just to say, my dad was seeing a grief therapist at the time.
现在，只是说，我父亲当时正在看悲伤治疗师。
And, unbeknownst to me, she helped explain what was happening to him.
而且，在我不知情的情况下，她帮助解释了他身上发生的事情。
The sudden loss of his wife had triggered some manic behavior.
妻子的突然去世引发了一些狂躁的行为。
It was a reaction to grief she'd seen before.
这是她以前见过的对悲伤的反应。
There's actually a term for this, "bereavement mania," manic behavior caused by the stress of losing a loved one.
实际上有一个术语来形容这种情况，“丧亲狂潮”，即因失去亲人的压力而引起的狂躁行为。
And this kind of mania can happen in people with no other history of mood disorders, and it can happen just once and not recur.
这种躁狂症可能发生在没有其他情绪障碍病史的人身上，而且可能只发生一次，不会复发。
But at the time, I didn't know any of that.
但当时我对此一无所知。
And so I was just horrified by the things he was doing and the places he was showing up.
所以我对他所做的事情和他出现的地方感到震惊。
Our neighbors across the street told him, Paul, come by any time, whatever you need, the way people do when someone dies.
我们街对面的邻居告诉他，保罗，无论你需要什么，都可以随时来，就像人们在有人去世时所做的那样。
And he sure did.
他确实做到了。
He showed up unannounced in their hot tub more than once.
他不止一次突然出现在他们的热水浴缸里。
I told him, Dad, no one wants you in their hot tub every night.
我告诉他，爸爸，没有人希望你每晚都泡在热水浴缸里。
These are hard words you're making me say to you, but you're giving me no choice.
你让我对你说这些难听的话，但你却让我别无选择。
Or there was the time someone stole his car, and he tried to set up a sting to get it back.
或者有一次有人偷了他的车，他试图设下圈套把车夺回来。
I was so worried about him, I tried to get him to come stay with me so I could keep an eye on him.
我很担心他，我试图让他留在我身边，这样我就可以照顾他。
And when these tactics failed, I threw fits, and I cried.
当这些策略失败时，我大发脾气，哭了。
And he would actually yell, stop trying to control me!
他实际上会大喊，别再试图控制我了！
I'm fine!
我很好！
He kept trying to explain he was OK and that, in fact, he was having fun.
他一直试图解释说他很好，事实上，他玩得很开心。
Sometimes I'd felt like I'd lost my mom and my dad.
有时我感觉自己失去了妈妈和爸爸。
And then, it all came to a head at a wedding.
然后，这一切在一场婚礼上达到了顶峰。
Yeah, but I don't think it's really relevant here.
是的，但我认为这与此无关。
Do you?
你？
You don't think Amanda's wedding is relevant to the story of your manic phase after mom died?
你不认为阿曼达的婚礼与你妈妈去世后的躁狂阶段的故事有关吗？
Well, I mean, all right.
嗯，我的意思是，好吧。
You start it off.
你开始吧。
I understand why he's hesitant.
我明白他为什么犹豫。
It's the only thing he did during that period that still embarrasses him.
这是他在那段时间所做的唯一一件事，至今仍让他感到尴尬。
My dad loves weddings.
我爸爸喜欢婚礼。
They're his Super Bowl.
他们是他的超级碗。
It was for my best friend, Amanda, and my dad was the unofficial father of the bride.
这是给我最好的朋友阿曼达的，我的父亲是新娘的非官方父亲。
He was also, as always, filming the wedding.
他还一如既往地拍摄婚礼。
Those three cameras were back, baby.
那三台摄像机又回来了，宝贝。
So we were all on the dance floor outside, and he was in his element, the life of the party.
所以我们都在外面的舞池里，而他则融入了他的元素，融入了派对的生活。
And then, suddenly, I couldn't find him.
然后，突然间，我找不到他了。
To my horror, I looked up and found he'd made his way into the house, where no one was allowed, and was standing in this room that overlooked the dance floor.
令我惊恐的是，我抬头一看，发现他已经走进了不允许任何人进入的房子，并且站在这个可以俯瞰舞池的房间里。
He was framed by huge floor-to-ceiling windows, like a fishbowl, and my dad had turned this living room into his own personal stage.
他的周围是巨大的落地窗，就像一个鱼缸，我父亲把这个客厅变成了他自己的个人舞台。
He was hoisting up what looked like a dead body, but it turned out to be a bridesmaid he'd rolled up in an area rug so that just her head was popping out.
他正在举起一具看起来像是尸体的东西，但结果发现是一名伴娘，他把它卷在一块地毯上，所以只有她的头伸出来。
Thankfully, she was in on the bit.
值得庆幸的是，她参与其中。
He proceeded to bob her back and forth between his arms, like the way you see guys on the boardwalk try to juggle a stick between two other sticks.
他开始用双臂来回摇晃她，就像你在木板路上看到的人们试图在另外两根棍子之间玩弄一根棍子一样。
And then, unfortunately, he stuck an empty beer bottle through the zipper of his pants and pretended to pee.
然后，不幸的是，他把一个空啤酒瓶从裤子的拉链里塞了进去，假装尿尿。
Everyone was laughing, but it wasn't funny.
大家都在笑，但这并不好笑。
It felt scary to see him like that.
看到他这个样子感觉很可怕。
My brother, my friend's uncle, and I raced into the house, and we dragged him out across the giant lawn.
我的兄弟、我朋友的叔叔和我跑进房子，把他拖到了巨大的草坪上。
And he started putting on this baby voice, saying, me no want to stop having fun, just begging us to go back to the party.
他开始用婴儿般的声音说，我不想停止玩乐，只是求我们回去参加聚会。
We finally got him to agree to go home.
我们终于让他同意回家了。
And as he was getting on the bus, he turned to us and asked if we would hold his camera equipment for a second so he could tie his shoe.
当他上车时，他转向我们，问我们是否可以帮他拿一下相机设备，以便他系鞋带。
The moment our hands were full, he did a fake out, and he took off running back across the lawn, jumping over hedges to get to the party, yelling, I'm free!
当我们的双手都满了的时候，他做了一个假动作，然后他跑回草坪，跳过树篱去参加聚会，大喊，我自由了！
I'm free!
我自由了！
Turned out the hedges were filled with poison ivy, which landed him in the hospital the next day.
原来树篱里长满了毒藤，第二天他就被送进了医院。
I didn't know until we talked that this moment changed something for my dad.
直到我们交谈后我才知道这一刻改变了我父亲的一些事情。
He realized--
他意识到——
What am I doing here?
我在这里做什么？
Maybe I'm a little out of control.
也许我有点失控了。
And I started to say, I better bring it down a couple of notches.
我开始说，我最好把它降低几个档次。
So that night really was kind of this turning point for you, huh?
所以那天晚上对你来说确实是一个转折点，是吧？
That's so interesting.
那太有趣了。
I think so.
我想是的。
That was certainly one that slowed me down, and which I needed at that point.
这无疑是让我慢下来的一个因素，也是我当时所需要的。
Yep.
是的。
I really do think that was also a big moment for me because it was just the moment that I really gave up.
我确实认为这对我来说也是一个重要时刻，因为那是我真正放弃的时刻。
I was just like, I can't control this man anymore.
我当时就想，我再也无法控制这个男人了。
It doesn't feel good to do that to you, and I also simply can't.
那样对你感觉不好，我也做不到。
I don't think anyone can.
我认为没有人可以。
One of the reasons I wanted to talk to you-- because I think when mom died we just grieved her very differently.
我想和你谈谈的原因之一是因为我认为当妈妈去世时，我们对她的悲伤有很大不同。
I really was hell bent that you were grieving wrong and I was grieving right, and I'm kind of laying in bed and feeling, and you're not feeling, to my eye, how I was.
我真的很伤心，你的悲伤是错误的，而我的悲伤是正确的，我躺在床上感觉，而在我看来，你并没有感觉到我的感受。
Well, I think it was just a different process for me.
嗯，我认为这对我来说只是一个不同的过程。
And I felt-- I felt the grief, but I also felt this compulsion, almost, to be the funny man, to live a little bit.
我感受到了——我感受到了悲伤，但我也感受到了这种冲动，几乎是，成为一个有趣的人，活一点点。
And at the same time that there is this tremendous sadness, there is the beginning of a little freedom.
在巨大的悲伤的同时，也开始有了一点自由。
It just felt different, kind of pleasant, to be free of shackles.
只是感觉不一样，有点愉快，摆脱了束缚。
I guess I sort of-- the reason I thought it felt wrong to me was even when you say you wanted to feel free of shackles, it sort of implies that mom was your shackles as opposed to grieving mom, in a way.
我想我有点——我认为这对我来说感觉不对的原因是，即使你说你想摆脱束缚，这在某种程度上也暗示着妈妈是你的枷锁，而不是悲伤的妈妈。
Yeah, and I don't mean it to be your mom.
是的，我并不是说要成为你的妈妈。
But it was just the notion that there were constraints on how all of us live our life, and the constraints were off.
但这只是一种观念，即我们所有人的生活方式都受到限制，而这些限制却被取消了。
What he means is that when the stable, suburban life he'd built for himself suddenly shattered, he thought, if I have to start over, then I'm just going to do me.
他的意思是，当他为自己建立的稳定的郊区生活突然破碎时，他想，如果我必须重新开始，那么我就做我自己。
He got this idea, I was surprised to learn, from someone at my mom's wake.
我惊讶地发现，他是在我母亲守灵后从某人那里得到这个想法的。
A woman who had lost her husband not that long ago, about 14, 15 months earlier, she came up to hug me.
一位不久前失去丈夫的女人，大约14、15个月前，她走过来拥抱我。
And I remember asking her, when does it get easier?
我记得我问她，什么时候事情会变得更容易？
And she just said, it doesn't.
她只是说，事实并非如此。
And that said it all.
这说明了一切。
So he decided, why not enjoy life?
于是他决定，为什么不享受生活呢？
In all those times I thought I was being helpful and protecting him, I was actually making things worse.
在所有那些时候，我以为自己在帮助他、保护他，但实际上我让事情变得更糟。
I think what made me a little angry at times was how you wanted to control me and control my emotions, and they weren't controllable.
我想有时候让我有点生气的是你想要控制我，控制我的情绪，而它们是无法控制的。
Yeah.
是的。
Would you say I treated you kind of like a child?
你会说我把你当小孩子了吗？
No. Maybe just a little bit.
不，也许只是一点点。
But you were trying to kind of keep me on the rails, keep me in a straight and narrow.
但你却试图让我保持在正轨上，让我走在一条笔直而狭窄的道路上。
And I felt like you were trying to say, no, no. This is how you have to feel.
我觉得你想说，不，不。这就是你必须有的感受。
You have to be very sad.
你一定非常难过。
Yeah.
是的。
And what did you feel about me and how I kind of handled it and did it?
你对我有什么感觉？我是如何处理和做到的？
Did grief, if you will.
如果你愿意的话，你会感到悲伤吗？
You were pretty consistent in not liking anything.
你一贯不喜欢任何东西。
Were you worried about me?
你担心我吗？
Paul Wilson Very much so.
保罗·威尔逊 非常如此。
Yeah.
是的。
When someone's sleeping in their closet, I think that's cause for concern.
当有人睡在衣柜里时，我认为这值得关注。
From your perspective, from where you were at, did you feel like I was grieving wrong?
从你的角度来看，从你所处的位置来看，你是否觉得我的悲伤是错误的？
Yeah, I guess I did.
是的，我想我做到了。
I mean, I didn't feel like it was the most noble thing to be sleeping in your closet for over a year.
我的意思是，我不觉得睡在衣柜里一年多是最崇高的事情。
You were very disturbed by that.
你对此感到非常不安。
As were--
一如既往——
Yeah, I thought it was-- Casey Wilson --friends.
是的，我以为是——凯西·威尔逊——朋友。
--thought it was disturbing Casey Wilson I know.
——我知道这让凯西·威尔逊感到不安。
But isn't it funny, at the time, I thought, there's nothing weird about this at all.
但这不是很有趣吗，当时我想，这根本没有什么奇怪的。
It's not weird at all that I found a twin-sized mattress in the garage of my building, and I have it sticking half in the closet, half out.
我在自家大楼的车库里发现了一张双人床床垫，我把它一半放在衣柜里，一半放在外面，这并不奇怪。
And before I would go to bed, I would just take a swig of this NyQuil every night, and then I would go through her datebook just to see her handwriting and to see all the upcoming events.
每天晚上睡觉前，我都会喝一大口奈奎尔，然后我会浏览她的日记本，看看她的笔迹，看看所有即将发生的事件。
It's almost like a mystery you want to put together, and I'd think, oh-- you know, it would say, Fletcher's graduation and doctor's appointments.
这几乎就像一个你想要拼凑起来的谜团，我会想，哦——你知道，它会说，弗莱彻的毕业典礼和医生的预约。
And you're just kind of like, wow, to not, not that this is such an original thought, but to have no notion or knowledge or something sad about someone planning out a future that's just never to be.
你只是有点像，哇，不是，这不是一个原创的想法，而是没有任何概念或知识或对某人规划一个永远不会发生的未来感到悲伤。
While you can put a label on my dad's route of mania, you can also put a label on mine.
你可以给我父亲的疯狂路线贴上标签，你也可以给我的疯狂路线贴上标签。
Depression.
沮丧。
In a way, they are two sides of the same coin.
在某种程度上，它们是同一枚硬币的两面。
For my dad to have fun, go out on dates, I don't know.
为了让我爸爸玩得开心，出去约会，我不知道。
Maybe it was healthier.
也许这样更健康。
Why did it upset you so that you thought somebody was replacing your mom?
为什么你会因为认为有人取代了你的妈妈而感到不安？
Why did it bother you so that, you know--
为什么它让你烦恼，你知道——
Oh, it was horrible.
哦，太可怕了。
It was horrible.
太可怕了。
Horrible to think of.
想起来就可怕。
Unfathomable.
深不可测。
I really had it in my head that to move on was like an insult to mom, as opposed to you moving forward because you had to.
我真的认为继续前进就像是对妈妈的侮辱，而不是因为你必须这样做而继续前进。
It was excruciating.
这太痛苦了。
Well, I can appreciate what you're saying.
嗯，我很欣赏你所说的。
Yeah.
是的。
Yeah.
是的。
But I do feel I was too hard on you now that I'm married.
但现在我结婚了，我确实觉得我对你太严厉了。
And I really am of the mind now, God, however anybody has to get through this is the right way.
我现在真的很明白，上帝，无论如何，任何人都必须度过这个难关，这是正确的方法。
Yeah, that's right.
是的，没错。
Casey Wilson And just, you know, there is no way.
凯西·威尔逊 只是，你知道，没有办法。
Yeah.
是的。
There is no way.
没有办法。
Casey Wilson It wasn't until eight years after my mom's death that our grief lifted a little.
凯西·威尔逊 直到我母亲去世八年后，我们的悲痛才稍稍减轻了一些。
Not all of it.
不是全部。
It will always be there.
它永远都在那里。
But I remember the moment that it lifted enough to finally feel like it wasn't crushing us.
但我记得那一刻，它升起足够大，最终感觉它没有压垮我们。
It happened on a trip my brother Fletcher, my dad, and I took to the beach.
这件事发生在我和我的兄弟弗莱彻、我的父亲去海滩旅行时。
It was just the three of us, our family now, missing a limb.
现在只有我们三个人，我们的家人，失去了一条肢体。
On the plane, my dad told us that he had met someone, a woman named Marjorie, a speechwriter and professor.
在飞机上，我父亲告诉我们，他遇到了一个人，一个名叫马乔里的女人，一位演讲撰稿人和教授。
And we could tell in his voice that this woman was different.
从他的声音中我们可以看出这个女人与众不同。
He was in love.
他恋爱了。
And for the first time, I was flooded with happiness for my dad that he was moving on.
我第一次为我的父亲感到高兴，因为他正在继续前进。
By this point, I was also dating my now-husband, David, and my brother shared that when he got home from this trip, he was going to propose to his now-wife, Kathleen.
此时，我也在和我现在的丈夫大卫约会，我的兄弟分享说，当他结束这次旅行回家时，他将向他现在的妻子凯瑟琳求婚。
And so I remember on this trip, there was a feeling in the air that this would be the last trip just the three of us.
所以我记得在这次旅行中，空气中有一种感觉，这将是我们三个人的最后一次旅行。
We didn't talk about it, but we knew.
我们没有谈论过，但我们都知道。
We all scuba dive, and I remember the dive we went on.
我们都潜水，我记得我们进行的潜水。
There we were, 100 feet below the surface.
我们就在那里，在地表以下 100 英尺处。
It was very calm.
气氛非常平静。
But I turned and looked to my right and was shocked to see a literal abyss, just a cliff and darkness below.
但我转过身来，向右看去，震惊地看到了真正的深渊，只有悬崖和下面的黑暗。
It was eerie.
真是令人毛骨悚然。
But we drifted away from it and kept swimming, alternating who was ahead and who was behind.
但我们却渐渐远离了它，继续游着，交替着谁在前，谁在后。
And that's how I like to think of us, swimming together towards the surface.
这就是我喜欢想象的我们一起游向水面的样子。
Casey Wilson is the author of the memoir The Wreckage of My Presence.
凯西·威尔逊是回忆录《我的存在的残骸》的作者。
You can also see her in The Shrink Next Door on Apple TV.
您还可以在 Apple TV 上的《邻家心理医生》中看到她。
Well, today's program was produced by Elna Baker with help from Chris Benderev.
嗯，今天的节目是由埃尔娜·贝克（Elna Baker）在克里斯·本德列夫（Chris Benderev）的帮助下制作的。
The people who put together today's program include Dana Chivvis, Sean Cole, Michal Comite, Rebecca Davis, Aviva DeKornfeld, Kyla Jones, Tobin Low, Michelle Navarro, Stowe Nelson, Katherine Rae Mondo, Alix Spiegel, Robyn Semien, Alissa Shipp, Christopher Swetala, Matt Tierney, Julie Whitaker, and Diane Wu.
今天节目的制作人包括 Dana Chivvis、Sean Cole、Michal Comite、Rebecca Davis、Aviva DeKornfeld、Kyla Jones、Tobin Low、Michelle Navarro、Stowe Nelson、Katherine Rae Mondo、Alix Spiegel、Robyn Semien、Alissa Shipp、Christopher Swetala、Matt Tierney、Julie Whitaker 和 Diane Wu。
Our managing editor is Sarah Abdurrahman.
我们的总编辑是萨拉·阿卜杜拉赫曼 (Sarah Abdurrahman)。
Our senior editor is David Kestenbaum.
我们的高级编辑是大卫·凯斯滕鲍姆。
Our executive editor is Emanuele Berry.
我们的执行编辑是 Emanuele Berry。
Special thanks today to Ari Saperstein, George Green, Steve Callahan, Nadia Wilson, Lauren Spohrer, Nick Pyenson, Laela Sayigh, Mark Elliott, and Madeleine Dong.
今天特别感谢 Ari Saperstein、George Green、Steve Callahan、Nadia Wilson、Lauren Spohrer、Nick Pyenson、Laela Sayigh、Mark Elliott 和 Madeleine Dong。
Yibin Li, who you heard at the beginning of our show, runs the OneMusic Project, which is musicians from around the world trying to bring chamber music to a bigger audience.
李一斌（Yibin Li），你在我们节目开始时听到的，负责运营 OneMusic 项目，该项目由来自世界各地的音乐家组成，试图将室内乐带给更多的观众。
Our website, thisamericanlife.org, where you can stream our archive of over 750 programs for absolutely free.
我们的网站 thisamericanlife.org，您可以在其中完全免费地播放我们的 750 多个节目档案。
Also, there's videos, there's lists of favorite shows if you're looking for something to listen to, tons of other stuff there.
此外，还有视频、最喜欢的节目列表（如果您正在寻找可听的内容）以及大量其他内容。
Again, thisamericanlife.org.
再说一次，thisamericanlife.org。
This American Life is delivered to public radio stations by PRX, the Public Radio Exchange.
《美国生活》由公共广播电台 PRX 向公共广播电台播出。
Thanks, as always, to our program's co-founder, Mr. Torey Malatia, who has a foolproof strategy for playing Marco Polo.
一如既往地感谢我们节目的联合创始人 Torey Malatia 先生，他有一个万无一失的扮演马可波罗的策略。
You start swimming in a huge circle, and that makes it more difficult for anyone to find you.
你开始绕一个大圈游泳，这使得任何人都更难找到你。
I'm Ira Glass, back next week with more stories of This American Life.
我是艾拉·格拉斯，下周回来，带来更多《美国生活》的故事。
This American Life is produced in collaboration with WBEZ Chicago and delivered to stations by PRX The Public Radio Exchange.
《This American Life》与 WBEZ Chicago 合作制作，并由 PRX 公共广播电台传送到各电台。