700: Embiggening - This American Life

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Sign up for a free Life Partners trial, and you can watch the video “A Night of Stories and Improv.”

注册免费试用《Life Partners》，您可以观看视频“故事与即兴表演之夜”。

00:00 00:00 Transcript Share This American Life Life Partners How to Listen Episodes Recommended About Overview Staff Announcements Fellowships Jobs Music Make Radio On The Road FAQ Submissions Merch Contact Us Our Other Shows Merch Follow Us Life Partners Subscribe to our newsletter Full episode Toggle Audio and Transcript Sync Transcript | Episode #700 | April 10, 2020 700: Embiggening Note: This American Life is produced for the ear and designed to be heard.

00:00 00:00 文字记录 分享此 美国生活 生活伙伴 如何收听 剧集 推荐 关于 概述 员工公告 奖学金 工作 音乐 在路上制作电台 常见问题解答 提交 商品 联系我们 我们的其他节目 商品 关注我们 生活伙伴 订阅我们的时事通讯 整集 切换音频和文字记录同步 文字记录 | 内容第 700 集 | 2020 年 4 月 10 日 700：引人注目 注：《This American Life》是为耳朵而制作，旨在让人们听到。

If you are able, we strongly encourage you to listen to the audio, which includes emotion and emphasis that's not on the page.

如果可以的话，我们强烈建议您收听音频，其中包括页面上没有的情感和重点。

Transcripts are generated using a combination of speech recognition software and human transcribers, and may contain errors.

文字记录是使用语音识别软件和人工转录员结合生成的，可能包含错误。

Please check the corresponding audio before quoting in print.

请在印刷版引用前检查相应的音频。

Prologue: Prologue Man A quick warning-- there are curse words that are un-beeped in today's episode of the show.

序言：序言人 一个快速警告——在今天的节目中，有些脏话没有发出嘟嘟声。

If you prefer a beeped version, you can find that at our website, thisamericanlife.org.

如果您更喜欢蜂鸣声版本，您可以在我们的网站 thisamericanlife.org 上找到该版本。

In a crisis, we learn new things about the people we love.

在危机中，我们对我们所爱的人有了新的了解。

Saw this video online that this nurse, Elise Barrett, in Seattle made for her husband.

在网上看到了西雅图的护士埃莉斯·巴雷特 (Elise Barrett) 为她丈夫制作的这段视频。

She works in a cancer clinic but figured she'd be called to work in an ICU once things heated up there with COVID-19 cases, and she had some things she wanted to say to him.

她在一家癌症诊所工作，但她认为，一旦 ICU 的 COVID-19 病例升温，她就会被叫到 ICU 工作，而且她有一些话想对他说。

Hey, Bubber.

嘿，巴伯。

I wanted to make this video for you in case you find yourself in a really rough spot.

我想为你制作这个视频，以防你发现自己陷入困境。

I know you and I have had some conversations about what to do if, you know, I'm where I can't speak for myself, if I'm on a ventilator, if I'm super duper ill.

我知道你和我已经讨论过如果我无法为自己说话、如果我需要使用呼吸机、如果我病得很厉害，该怎么办。

You know I've seen a lot of awful stuff and awful deaths.

你知道我见过很多可怕的事情和可怕的死亡。

And--

还有——

She was an ICU nurse for nearly 10 years.

她担任 ICU 护士近 10 年。

And she instructs him, if she's on a ventilator, with no awareness or ability to interact and no chance to wake up again, let her die.

她指示他，如果她使用呼吸机，没有意识或互动能力，也没有机会再次醒来，那就让她死吧。

Or another possibility--

或者还有另一种可能——

If at some point I'm coding, and I'm coding over and over, they'll be able to tell you.

如果在某个时候我正在编码，并且我一遍又一遍地编码，他们将能够告诉您。

Don't-- don't make them code me over and over.

不要——不要让他们一遍又一遍地给我编码。

If I've had a protracted hypoxic code, don't make them keep working me.

如果我有长期缺氧状态，不要让他们继续为我工作。

If they're thinking that there's going to be massive brain damage secondary to generalized hypoxia, they'll tell you, there's white on the CAT scan.

如果他们认为全身缺氧会继发严重的脑损伤，他们会告诉你，CAT 扫描上有白色。

There's swelling in the brain, generalized.

大脑普遍肿胀。

People don't come back from that.

人们不会从那件事中回来。

And there's not really a lot of hope left at that point of getting me back.

到那时让我回来的希望已经不大了。

So at that point, you got to let me go.

所以到了那个时候，你就必须放我走。

She's entirely business-like about this-- medical professional running through the things that she needs him to now.

她对此完全是一本正经的——医学专家正在处理她现在需要他做的事情。

Yes, they talked about this before, but now she has some details, some gaps to fill in.

是的，他们之前谈过这个，但现在她有一些细节，一些空白需要填补。

And she ticks through the possibilities of what could happen to her.

她列出了可能发生在她身上的可能性。

If she's on a ventilator and starts to recover, she warns her husband not to get too hopeful, because it's not unusual for people to turn a corner and get worse again.

如果她依靠呼吸机并开始康复，她会警告她的丈夫不要抱太大希望，因为人们转危为安并再次变得更糟的情况并不罕见。

If she dies, here's what she's thinking about a funeral.

如果她去世了，她对葬礼的想法是这样的。

If she does recover and gets off the vent, he should know that it might be months of rehab before she'll be able to come home again.

如果她确实康复并脱离了通风口，他应该知道她可能需要几个月的康复时间才能再次回家。

And one more thing she wants a partner to know--

她还想让伴侣知道一件事——

You should be aware that when somebody is super duper sick, when they're proned, their face swells up.

你应该意识到，当某人病得很重时，当他们俯卧时，他们的脸就会肿胀。

They look awful.

他们看起来很糟糕。

If I'm sick enough to be mechanically ventilated, I'm going to look like shit, and I don't necessarily think you want to see that.

如果我病得需要机械通气，我就会看起来像屎一样，我认为你不一定想看到这一点。

It's OK for you not to visit me in the hospital.

你不去医院看我也没关系。

It's not going to be safe for you to visit me in the hospital.

你去医院探望我是不安全的。

I would rather you stay home and take care of Kepler, and have this video and other stuff that I've left for you to make sure that your memories of me are not traumatic or scarring.

我宁愿你呆在家里照顾开普勒，并保留我留给你的这段视频和其他东西，以确保你对我的记忆不会受到创伤或留下疤痕。

I want you to be safe.

我希望你安全。

I want you to take care of yourself.

我希望你照顾好自己。

I love you more than anything else on earth, except maybe Kepler.

我爱你胜过地球上的任何事物，除了开普勒。

Thank you for him.

谢谢你。

Thank you for giving me that beautiful boy and for giving me the life that we've had together.

谢谢你给了我那个漂亮的男孩，也谢谢你给了我我们一起度过的生活。

And I love you so much.

我非常爱你。

I'll miss you.

我会想念你。

Bye, bye.

再见，再见。

When you know somebody so well, what can you possibly say that's going to be news to them about who you are or what you think?

当你非常了解某人时，你能说什么对他们来说是关于你是谁或你的想法的新闻？

I'm guessing nothing in this video was a huge surprise to this nurse's husband.

我猜这段视频中没有任何内容让这位护士的丈夫感到惊讶。

But when there's a crisis, it's important to say certain things-- practical stuff, information and instructions.

但当出现危机时，说一些话很重要——实用的东西、信息和指示。

But also, there's feelings to share.

但同时，也有一些感受可以分享。

We need to connect.

我们需要连接。

It's not a moment for big revelations.

现在不是揭露重大事件的时刻。

You just want to tint the colors in the picture of you two a little bit, this way or that.

你只是想给你们两个的照片上的颜色一点点，这样或那样。

My co-worker, Bim, has been having these daily conversations with her brother, Demola.

我的同事 Bim 每天都会与她的兄弟 Demola 进行对话。

He's been sick with COVID-19 for over a week now.

他感染 COVID-19 已经一个多星期了。

And these conversations are totally different than that nurse's video.

这些对话和那个护士的视频完全不同。

All the ways that nurse, Elise Barrett, is so direct, imagining every possible terrible outcome one by one and discussing it, Bim and Demola are not into that.

护士埃莉斯·巴雷特 (Elise Barrett) 的做法是如此直接，将每一种可能的可怕结果一一想象并讨论，但比姆和德莫拉对此不感兴趣。

I'm guessing, with no evidence at all here, that most of us are more like Bim and Demola.

我猜测，在没有任何证据的情况下，我们大多数人都更像比姆和德莫拉。

We'd rather sidestep the scariest possibilities for as long as possible.

我们宁愿尽可能长时间地回避最可怕的可能性。

But in their daily talks, there's still new information passing between them than they usually share.

但在他们的日常谈话中，他们之间仍然传递着比平时分享的新信息。

She's in New York.

她在纽约。

Demola and the rest of her family are in London.

德莫拉和她的其他家人都在伦敦。

He's four years younger.

他比他小四岁。

He, perhaps, remains the most beautiful baby I have ever seen in my life, like aggressively so.

他也许仍然是我一生中见过的最漂亮的婴儿，就像这样咄咄逼人。

My mom will tell you, oh yeah, Demola's the most beautiful of my babies.

我妈妈会告诉你，哦，是的，德莫拉是我的孩子中最漂亮的。

She makes no qualms about it.

她对此没有任何疑虑。

He was very beautiful.

他非常漂亮。

That's just rude to say to your other children.

对你的其他孩子这么说是很不礼貌的。

It's really rude.

这真的很粗鲁。

But Demola was beautiful.

但德莫拉很漂亮。

He was pretty.

他很漂亮。

He was a pretty baby.

他是一个漂亮的婴儿。

He still has this little beauty spot right where Marilyn Monroe had hers.

他仍然保留着玛丽莲·梦露曾经拥有过的那个小风景点。

Oh wow.

哦哇。

Bim Adewunmi Yeah.

Bim Adewunmi 是的。

And these lashes.

还有这些睫毛。

And so when he was very little, my sister and I would put him on-- there was a short, exactly child level ironing board.

因此，当他很小的时候，我和姐姐会给他穿上——有一个短的、完全适合儿童级别的熨衣板。

It was more like a table.

它更像是一张桌子。

And we'd put him on there, and we would kiss him all over him until he would cry in protest.

我们把他放在那里，亲吻他的全身，直到他哭泣以示抗议。

To hear Bim tell it, Demola's relationship with the sisters today is a faint echo of that.

据 Bim 说，今天德莫拉与姐妹们的关系也隐隐约约地反映了这一点。

His older sister is more expressive with her feelings.

他的姐姐更善于表达自己的感受。

Demola, a little bit apart, happy to be by himself, a separate island from the rest of them, keeping his own counsel, very quiet.

德莫拉，有点疏远，很高兴独自一人，与其他人分开，保持自己的想法，非常安静。

Before he got sick, Bim would usually text him or talk to him on WhatsApp a couple of times a week.

在生病之前，Bim 通常每周都会给他发几次短信或通过 WhatsApp 与他交谈。

Lots of it was talk about TV shows and quoting Zapp Brannigan from Futurama to each other, and Bim mocking Demola whenever his team, Arsenal, loses.

大部分时间都是在谈论电视节目，互相引用《飞出个未来》中的扎普·布兰尼根，每当他的球队阿森纳输球时，比姆就会嘲笑德莫拉。

But now that they're talking every day, and for the first time it's video chats, the dailiness of it gives everything a different feeling.

但现在他们每天都在说话，而且还是第一次视频聊天，日常的一切都让一切有了不一样的感觉。

And the subject matter is different too.

而且题材也不一样。

So I'm asking him, did you drink enough water today?

所以我问他，你今天喝够水了吗？

What's your temperature?

你的体温是多少？

Did the cough go away?

咳嗽消失了吗？

Is it a dry cough?

是干咳吗？

So yeah, the questions, on the one hand, are very dry and basic.

所以，是的，一方面，这些问题非常枯燥和基本。

But on the other, I suppose because I've never asked them before, it feels extra special now to be asking very specifically, what's your temperature, and to be able to track his life in this way.

但另一方面，我想因为我以前从未问过他们，所以现在非常具体地询问你的体温是多少，并能够以这种方式追踪他的生活，感觉特别特别。

The knowledge that it went from 37 degrees, and now it's 36 degrees.

据了解，气温从 37 度变成了现在的 36 度。

You know?

你知道？

Yeah.

是的。

Bim Adewunmi I mean in Celsius, obviously.

Bim Adewunmi 显然是指摄氏温度。

Yeah.

是的。

Bim Adewunmi It just feels really oddly intimate that I know the temperature of his body across an ocean.

Bim Adewunmi 我知道大洋彼岸他身体的温度，这感觉真的很奇怪。

Even though the question seems really bland on the surface-- you know, what's your temperature?

尽管这个问题表面上看起来很平淡——你知道，你的体温是多少？

It's a way of asking-- and it's a way, I think, also of circumventing the elephant in the room, which is if he had a more serious case of COVID-19, if his symptoms were more severe, if things were really dire-- you know, we just don't talk about it.

这是一种询问的方式——我认为，这也是一种规避房间里的大象的方式，即他是否患有更严重的 COVID-19 病例，他的症状是否更严重，情况是否真的很可怕——你知道，我们只是不谈论它。

So when I ask about his temperature, what I'm asking is-- it's like a shorthand.

所以当我问他的体温时，我要问的是——这就像一个速记。

It's half language that we're using.

这是我们使用的半语言。

There's a Yoruba saying my mom often says, which is, speaking from underneath your tongue.

我妈妈经常说一句约鲁巴语，那就是“从舌头下面说话”。

And in a way, I feel like I am speaking from underneath my tongue to ask a really serious question but in the most bland language, which is, oh, are you drinking water?

在某种程度上，我觉得我是在用最平淡的语言问一个非常严肃的问题，那就是，哦，你在喝水吗？

What was the headache like?

头痛是什么样的？

It's asking these very basic questions that are basically pushing back my fear of what this could have been.

它提出了这些非常基本的问题，基本上消除了我对这可能会发生什么的恐惧。

That's terrifying to me.

这对我来说太可怕了。

Because the thing underneath it that you're not saying is--

因为你没有说的背后的事情是——

The thing I'm-- the thing I'm saying-- I feel like I'm screaming it-- is please don't die.

我想说的——我觉得我在尖叫——请不要死。

I don't want you to die.

我不想让你死。

So it sounds like she's learning some new information about this person she knows so well in these daily conversations.

所以听起来她正在从这些日常对话中了解这个她非常熟悉的人的一些新信息。

But she's seeing such a different side of him.

但她看到了他的另一面。

Normally, he's so stoic, she says.

她说，通常情况下，他都很坚忍。

But now he's way more vulnerable and way more open to everybody in the family calling him all the time and asking him questions.

但现在他变得更加脆弱，对家里的每个人都更加开放，他们总是打电话给他，问他问题。

I think he wants to be fussed over, in this at least, a little bit.

我认为他想要被人大惊小怪，至少在这一点上。

Mm-hmm.

嗯嗯。

Bim Adewunmi I think he likes it a little bit.

Bim Adewunmi 我认为他有点喜欢它。

And obviously, it will get more annoying as he gets better and stronger again.

显然，随着他再次变得更好更强，这会变得更烦人。

But for now, he's basically a baby on an ironing table, and we're going to kiss him.

但现在，他基本上是熨衣台上的婴儿，我们要亲吻他。

Well, from WBEZ Chicago, it's This American Life.

嗯，来自 WBEZ 芝加哥，这是《This American Life》。

I'm Ira Glass.

我是艾拉·格拉斯。

Today on our program, moments when we fill in the gaps and see parts of somebody we have not seen before, but we learn it can be a kind of subtle shading around the edges.

今天在我们的节目中，当我们填补空白并看到我们以前从未见过的人的部分时，我们了解到这可能是边缘周围的一种微妙的阴影。

Though, in all of our stories today, I have to say it is way bigger than that.

不过，在我们今天所有的故事中，我不得不说它的规模远大于此。

It's people declaring, you thought you knew the truth, but no, no, no, you did not, not all of it.

人们宣称，你以为你知道真相，但不，不，不，你不知道，不是全部。

And the part that you didn't know changes everything.

而你不知道的部分会改变一切。

Now, as Paul Harvey used to say, now you know the rest of the story.

现在，正如保罗·哈维常说的，现在你知道故事的其余部分了。

Stay with us.

留在我们身边。

Certain stories get told over and over about undocumented immigrants in this country.

关于这个国家无证移民的某些故事被反复讲述。

And one of the big ones is about sacrifice-- about hardworking people who work long hours in restaurant kitchens, and farms, and other low paying jobs to support their families, grateful for the chance to be in the US.

其中最重要的一个是关于牺牲——关于为了养家糊口而在餐馆厨房、农场和其他低薪工作中长时间工作的勤劳的人们，他们感激有机会来到美国。

Or the DACA kids, who strive and want nothing more than college and the American dream.

或者是 DACA 的孩子，他们努力奋斗，只想上大学和美国梦。

Karla Cornejo Villavicencio has heard lots of these stories and thought she could do better.

Karla Cornejo Villavicencio 听过很多这样的故事，并认为她可以做得更好。

Just a quick note about her essay-- there are very brief references in it to rape and suicide.

关于她的文章，请简要说明一下——其中非常简短地提到了强奸和自杀。

Here she is.

她在这里。

When I was a senior in college, I wrote an anonymous essay for The Daily Beast about what they wanted to call my dirty little secret, that I was undocumented.

当我读大学四年级时，我为《每日野兽报》写了一篇匿名文章，内容是他们所谓的“肮脏的小秘密”，即我没有证件。

This was in 2011, before DACA, and I was one of the first undocumented students to graduate Harvard.

那是在 2011 年，DACA 之前，我是第一批从哈佛毕业的无证学生之一。

The essay got me some attention, and agents wrote me asking if I wanted to write a memoir.

这篇文章引起了我的一些注意，经纪人写信给我询问我是否想写一本回忆录。

I was angry.

我很生气。

A memoir?

回忆录？

I was 21.

那年我21岁。

I wasn't fucking Barbra Streisand.

我他妈的不是芭芭拉·史翠珊。

I had been writing professionally since I was 15 but only about music.

我从 15 岁起就开始专业写作，但只涉及音乐。

I wanted to be the guy in High Fidelity.

我想成为《高保真》中的那个人。

And I didn't want my first book to be a rueful tale about being a sickly Victorian orphan with tuberculosis who didn't have a social security number, which is what the agents all wanted.

我不想让我的第一本书成为一个悲伤的故事，讲述的是一个患有肺结核、体弱多病的维多利亚孤儿，没有社会安全号码，而这正是特工们想要的。

The guy who eventually ended up becoming my agent respected that, did not find an interchangeable immigrant to publish a sad book, read everything I would write over the next seven years, and we kept in touch.

最终成为我经纪人的那个人尊重这一点，没有找到一个可以互换的移民来出版一本悲伤的书，阅读了我在接下来的七年里写的所有内容，我们保持着联系。

I was the first person who wrote him on the morning of November 9th, 2016.

我是2016年11月9日早上第一个给他写信的人。

That morning, I received a bunch of emails from people who are really freaked out about Trump winning.

那天早上，我收到了一堆来自人们的电子邮件，他们对特朗普获胜感到非常害怕。

And the emails, essentially, were offers to hide me in their second houses in Vermont or stay in their basements.

这些电子邮件本质上是提议将我藏在他们在佛蒙特州的第二所房子里，或者住在他们的地下室里。

Shit, I told my partner, they're trying to Anne Frank me.

妈的，我告诉我的搭档，他们想把安妮·弗兰克当成我的对象。

By this point, I had read lots of books about migrants.

到那时，我已经读了很多关于移民的书。

I hated a good number of these books.

我讨厌很多这样的书。

I couldn't see my family in them, because I saw my parents as more than laborers, as more than sufferers or dreamers.

我在他们身上看不到我的家人，因为我认为我的父母不仅仅是劳动者，不仅仅是受难者或梦想家。

I thought I could write something better, and I thought I was the best person to do it.

我认为我可以写出更好的东西，而且我认为我是最好的人选。

I was just crazy enough.

我只是够疯狂的。

Because if you're going to write about undocumented immigrants in America, tell the story, the full story, you have to be a little bit crazy.

因为如果你要写关于美国无证移民的故事，讲述整个故事，你就必须有点疯狂。

And you certainly can't be enamored by America, not still.

你当然不会迷恋美国，至少现在还不会。

That disqualifies you.

这会让你失去资格。

I did not want to write anything inspirational.

我不想写任何鼓舞人心的东西。

I wanted to write for everybody who wants to step away from the buzzwords in immigration-- the talking heads, the Dreamers in graduation caps and gowns-- and read about the people underground, not heroes, randoms, people.

我想为每一个想要远离移民流行语的人写作——那些会说话的人、戴着毕业帽和毕业袍的梦想家——并阅读有关地下人的故事，而不是英雄、随机者、普通人的故事。

I wanted to write about my parents, and that's the story I'm going to tell here, the story of my parents.

我想写我的父母，这就是我要在这里讲述的故事，我父母的故事。

If you ask my mother where she's from, she's 100% going to say, she's from the kingdom of god, because she does not like to say that she's from Ecuador, Ecuador being one of the few South American countries that has not especially outdone itself on the international stage.

如果你问我母亲她来自哪里，她百分百会说，她来自上帝的王国，因为她不喜欢说她来自厄瓜多尔，厄瓜多尔是少数几个在国际舞台上没有特别超越自己的南美国家之一。

Magical realism basically skipped over it.

魔幻现实主义基本上跳过了它。

And our military dictatorship never reached the mythical status of a Pinochet or a Videla.

我们的军事独裁从未达到皮诺切特或维地拉那样的神话地位。

Plus, there are no world famous Ecuadorians to speak of other than the fool who housed Julian Assange at the embassy in London and Christina Aguilera's father, who she said was a domestic abuser.

此外，除了在伦敦大使馆安置朱利安·阿桑奇的傻瓜和克里斯蒂娜·阿奎莱拉的父亲（克里斯蒂娜·阿奎莱拉称其父亲是家庭虐待者）之外，没有世界著名的厄瓜多尔人可言。

If you ask my father where he's from, he will definitely say Ecuador, because he is sentimental about the country for reasons he's working out in therapy.

如果你问我父亲来自哪里，他肯定会说厄瓜多尔，因为他在治疗中锻炼的原因对这个国家充满了感情。

But if you push them, I mean really push them, they're both going to say they're from New York.

但如果你逼他们，我的意思是真的逼他们，他们都会说他们来自纽约。

If you ask them if they feel American, because you're a little narc who wants to prove your blood runs red, white, and blue, they're going to say no, we feel like New Yorkers.

如果你问他们是否觉得自己是美国人，因为你是一个想要证明自己的血液流淌着红、白、蓝的小缉毒犯，他们会说不，我们觉得自己是纽约人。

They've lived in New York since they left Ecuador in 1991.

自从 1991 年离开厄瓜多尔以来，他们一直住在纽约。

I don't know much about my parents' decision to choose New York, or even the United States, as a destination.

我不太了解我的父母决定选择纽约，甚至美国作为目的地。

It's not that I haven't asked them why they came to the United States.

我并不是没有问过他们为什么来美国。

It's that the answer isn't as morally satisfying as most people's answers are-- a decapitated family member, famine.

问题在于，答案并不像大多数人的答案那样在道德上令人满意——家人被斩首、饥荒。

And I never pressed them for more details because I don't want to apply pressure on a bruise.

我从来没有向他们询问更多细节，因为我不想对瘀伤施加压力。

The story, as far as I know it, goes something like this.

据我所知，故事是这样的。

My parents had just gotten married, and their small auto body business was not doing well.

我的父母刚刚结婚，他们的小汽车车身生意生意并不好。

The idea of coming to America to work for a year to make just enough money to pay off their debts came up, and it seemed like a good idea.

于是想到了来美国工作一年，赚的钱刚好够还清债务，这似乎是个好主意。

They left me with my dad's family when I was a year and a half old.

当我一岁半的时候，他们把我留给了我父亲的家人。

That's about as much as I know.

我所知道的就这么多了。

My parents didn't come back after a year.

一年后，我的父母没有回来。

They were barely making ends meet.

他们勉强维持收支平衡。

When I was four years old, going to school in Ecuador, teachers began to comment on how gifted I was.

当我四岁时，在厄瓜多尔上学时，老师们开始评论我有多么有天赋。

My parents knew Ecuador was not the place for a gifted girl.

我的父母知道厄瓜多尔不适合有天赋的女孩。

The gender politics were too fucked up.

性别政治太操蛋了。

And they wanted me to have all the educational opportunities they hadn't had.

他们希望我拥有他们没有的所有教育机会。

So that's when they brought me to New York.

就在那时他们带我去了纽约。

I was just shy of five when I stepped off the plane.

当我走下飞机时，我还不到五岁。

White Americans love academically achieving minorities.

美国白人喜欢在学术上取得成就的少数族裔。

And I learned quickly that the most alluring thing about me was that I was young and brown and a good student, the holy trinity.

我很快就了解到，我最吸引人的地方是我年轻，肤色黝黑，是个好学生，三位一体。

I went to a Catholic elementary school on a scholarship, and we lived in Queens.

我靠奖学金去了一所天主教小学，我们住在皇后区。

My mother stayed home, and my father drove a cab.

我妈妈呆在家里，我爸爸开出租车。

This was back when East New York was still gang country, and he had to fold his body into a little origami swan and hide under his steering wheel during crossfires in the middle of the day.

那是在东纽约还是帮派国家的时候，他不得不把自己的身体折成一只折纸小天鹅，在中午的交火中躲在方向盘下面。

Then came September 11th, 2001.

然后到了2001年9月11日。

Here's how I remember the day my father started dying, not long after the twin towers fell.

这就是我对父亲去世那天的记忆，就在双子塔倒塌后不久。

My father comes home from work, and I greet him in the doorway to give him a kiss hello.

父亲下班回家，我在门口迎接他，给他一个吻打招呼。

He walks slowly and comes toward my body at a strange angle a child could only interpret as a terrible fall.

他慢慢地走着，以一个奇怪的角度朝我的身体走来，孩子只能将其理解为可怕的跌倒。

He collapses onto me to cry into my neck.

他倒在我身上，靠在我的脖子上哭泣。

I'm little, 12 or 13, but he does, he falls.

我很小，12岁或13岁，但他却摔倒了。

The letter says in English something about the DMV suspending driver's licenses for undocumented immigrants.

这封信用英文讲述了DMV暂停无证移民驾驶执照的情况。

It was part of an attempt to strengthen security measures after 9/11.

这是 9/11 事件后加强安全措施的一部分。

My father had just lost his job as a taxi driver.

我父亲刚刚失去了出租车司机的工作。

He had also lost his state ID.

他还丢失了州身份证。

Over the next 20 years, he'd lose many more things, but let's put a little blue thumb tack on this memory map, the first place in Hell we visited.

在接下来的 20 年里，他失去了更多的东西，但让我们在这张记忆地图上放一个蓝色的小图钉，这是我们访问的地狱的第一个地方。

September 11th changed the immigration landscaper forever.

9 月 11 日永远改变了移民景观设计师。

ICE was the creation of 9/11 paranoia.

ICE 是 9/11 偏执狂的产物。

It changed my father, too.

它也改变了我的父亲。

It was hard to see him fall, because he was the most powerful person I knew.

很难看到他倒下，因为他是我认识的最有权势的人。

He was a difficult man, and I was a difficult child.

他是一个很难相处的人，而我是一个很难相处的孩子。

I was polite and craved approval from authority figures, but I was also dark and precocious.

我很有礼貌，渴望得到权威人士的认可，但我也很阴暗、早熟。

Not precocious in the, we live in Tribeca, and my kid is a born artist, kind of way.

不早熟，我们住在翠贝卡，我的孩子是一个天生的艺术家，某种程度上。

More like, my immigrant third grader is reading Hemingway but is secretly drinking Listerine and toothpaste until she throws up because she wants it to kill her, kind of way.

更像是，我的移民三年级学生正在读海明威，但偷偷喝李施德林和牙膏直到她呕吐，因为她希望它杀死她，某种方式。

Only years later would I realized how real my suicidal impulses were.

几年后，我才意识到我的自杀冲动是多么真实。

That was too damn young, I'd think, lying down in the dark at my doctor's office with an IV of ketamine hooked up to my arm, hoping to extinguish the suicidality that began when I was five and lay crayons around the perimeter of my bed so I'd know in the morning if I'd been secretly raped at night.

我想，那真是太年轻了，我躺在医生办公室的黑暗中，胳膊上挂着一针氯胺酮，希望能熄灭我五岁时开始的自杀倾向，并在我的床周围涂上蜡笔，这样我早上就能知道我是否在晚上被秘密强奸了。

I'd know because the crayons would be broken.

我会知道，因为蜡笔会被打破。

My father read parenting books that explained how to raise troubled children.

我父亲读过一些育儿书籍，里面解释了如何抚养有问题的孩子。

But those children were never straight-A students who were soft-spoken and loved teachers.

但这些孩子从来都不是说话轻声细语、热爱老师的优等生。

It confused him, and the dissonance made him angry at me.

这让他感到困惑，这种不和谐让他对我生气。

He saw me as different from other children in a way that troubled him, and he fumbled in the dark to help me with what he couldn't name.

他认为我与其他孩子不同，这让他很困扰，他在黑暗中摸索着帮助我解决他无法说出的事情。

When I was off from school for any kind of break, my father would plan out my day in half hour increments, scheduling everything from bath time, to TV shows, to coloring time, to math drills, to time to play with dolls, and even bathroom breaks.

当我放学休息时，父亲会以半小时为单位安排我的一天，安排一切，从洗澡时间、看电视节目、涂色时间、数学练习、玩娃娃时间，甚至上厕所的时间。

He called it my schedule, and he hand wrote it on graph paper in different colored inks and taped it to my desk.

他称其为我的日程安排，并用不同颜色的墨水将其手写在方格纸上，然后将其贴在我的桌子上。

When I became overwhelmed with panic, crying hysterically, he would send me to take a cold shower or take me out on a jog around the neighborhood.

当我惊慌失措、歇斯底里地哭泣时，他会让我去洗个冷水澡，或者带我到附近慢跑。

He'd set aside a magazine or a newspaper articles for me to translate.

他留了一本杂志或报纸文章让我翻译。

He could not review the fidelity of the translation, but he judged my penmanship.

他无法审查翻译的保真度，但他评判了我的书法。

I didn't know what would have happened to me if I had not been kept away from my own thoughts for so many years.

我不知道如果这么多年我没有远离自己的想法，我会发生什么。

My father kept me alive.

我父亲让我活了下来。

After my father lost his job as a taxi driver, he found a job as a delivery man at a restaurant down in the Financial District.

我父亲失去了出租车司机的工作后，他在金融区的一家餐厅找到了一份送货员的工作。

In the mornings, he would deliver breakfast to offices-- a raisin bagel with cream cheese and a coffee with hazelnut creamer, orange juice and a banana, a granola bar and chocolate milk.

早上，他会把早餐送到办公室——一份葡萄干百吉饼加奶油奶酪，一杯咖啡加榛子奶精、橙汁和香蕉，还有格兰诺拉麦片和巧克力牛奶。

There was no delivery minimum, so my father delivered it all.

没有最低限度的交货量，所以我父亲把所有的东西都交货了。

Because the deliveries were so small, sometimes he didn't get a tip.

由于交货量太小，有时他拿不到小费。

Sometimes he was told to keep the change, a quarter.

有时他被告知保留零钱，即 25 美分。

Sometimes he was tipped in pennies.

有时他会收到几美分的小费。

He had to say, thank you, sir, thank you, ma'am.

他必须说，谢谢您，先生，谢谢您，女士。

Sometimes he was given a $20 tip for a $5.00 breakfast.

有时他会因为一份 5 美元的早餐而得到 20 美元的小费。

He always told us about those tips.

他总是告诉我们这些技巧。

They were usually from Puerto Rican receptionists who talked to him in Spanish and asked to see photos of me.

他们通常来自波多黎各接待员，他们用西班牙语与他交谈，并要求看我的照片。

When he came home was one of those tips, it was like having my dad back from the dead.

当他回家时就是这些提示之一，就像我父亲从死里复活一样。

He would dance to no music, and he'd make jokes, and he'd come out of his shower looking like a teenager.

他不会随着音乐跳舞，他会开玩笑，他洗完澡后看起来就像一个十几岁的孩子。

My father didn't use a bike.

我父亲没有使用自行车。

He made all his deliveries on foot.

他所有的送货都是步行完成的。

He speed walked while carrying bags of food to offices on Wall Street.

他拎着一袋袋食物快步走向华尔街的办公室。

The plastic handles of the bags would twist and cut into his fingers, and he developed large calluses on both his hands.

袋子的塑料手柄会扭曲并割伤他的手指，他的双手都长出了大老茧。

His polyester pants rubbed up against his calves so much that he lost all the hair on his legs.

他的涤纶长裤与小腿之间的摩擦力太大，以至于他腿上的毛都掉光了。

He went through many pairs of inexpensive black rubber shoes.

他换了很多双便宜的黑色胶鞋。

My mother massaged his feet at night.

晚上妈妈给他按摩脚。

My dad's feet are small and fat, like mine, so you can't tell when they're swollen.

我爸爸的脚又小又胖，和我的一样，所以你看不出它们什么时候肿。

After a few years, my dad's feet would hurt so much that he walked like he was on hot coals, sometimes leaning on me to move from the couch to the bed.

几年后，我爸爸的脚痛得厉害，走路就像踩在热炭上，有时要靠着我从沙发上搬到床上。

Aye, yai, yai, yai, yai, he'd say, as he limped, like a mariachi.

啊，呀，呀，呀，呀，他一瘸一拐地说道，就像流浪乐队一样。

When I was 15, the owner of the restaurant where my father worked hired a new manager to oversee the delivery men, who were all immigrants.

当我 15 岁的时候，我父亲工作的餐馆老板雇佣了一位新经理来监督送货员，他们都是移民。

The guy was Puerto Rican, an American citizen, and became immediately abusive, threatening to call ICE on them, yelling at them, getting up in their faces.

这名男子是波多黎各人，是一名美国公民，他立即开始辱骂，威胁要向 ICE 举报他们，对他们大喊大叫，并在他们面前站起来。

My father fell into a bit of a depression.

我的父亲陷入了一点抑郁症。

I had just watched All the President's Men.

我刚刚看了《总统班底》。

I put on my best posh accent, dialed *69 to block my number, and called the restaurant.

我装出最优雅的口音，拨打*69来屏蔽我的号码，然后给餐厅打电话。

I asked to speak to the owner.

我要求与业主交谈。

I said I was a beat reporter for a big city newspaper and had just received a tip from a customer about overhearing racist abuse in the kitchen.

我说我是一家大城市报纸的记者，刚刚收到一位顾客的举报，称在厨房里无意中听到种族主义辱骂。

And did he have a comment?

他有什么意见吗？

The owner said he'd handle it and asked me not to write the story.

店主说他会处理这件事并让我不要写这个故事。

I don't know, man, I said, it's a pretty good story.

我不知道，伙计，我说，这是一个非常好的故事。

In the end, the manager was fired, and the cloud over my father lifted.

最后，经理被解雇了，父亲的阴云也散去了。

My father was furious when I told him what I did.

当我告诉父亲我所做的事情时，他很生气。

But not for a minute in the 15 years since have I felt that what I did was unethical.

但从那以后的 15 年里，我没有一刻觉得自己的所作所为是不道德的。

Nor have I felt guilty for having a man fired.

我也没有因为解雇一个人而感到内疚。

I'd do it again, but my accent would be better.

我会再做一次，但我的口音会更好。

I went to a small public high school in Times Square, where around 80% of the student body was at or below the poverty line.

我就读于时代广场的一所小型公立高中，那里大约 80% 的学生生活在贫困线或以下。

We were mostly all black or Latinx.

我们大部分都是黑人或拉丁裔。

I was a high achiever.

我是一个成就很高的人。

I wanted to go to the University of Chicago because I found the unofficial motto, where fun goes to die, appealing.

我想去芝加哥大学，因为我发现“乐趣消逝”这一非官方座右铭很有吸引力。

But there is no beating Harvard.

但没有人能打败哈佛。

That name.

那个名字。

I needed the name to keep my parents safe.

我需要这个名字来保证我父母的安全。

Harvard, at the time, did not know how to deal with undocumented students.

当时的哈佛不知道如何处理无证学生。

When I was there, a very successful Wall Street man who knew me from an educational NGO we both belonged to-- he as a supporter, me as a supported-- learned I was undocumented and could not legally hold a work-study job.

当我在那里时，一位非常成功的华尔街人士从我们都所属的一个教育非政府组织认识了我——他是支持者，我是被支持者——得知我没有证件，不能合法地从事勤工俭学的工作。

So every semester, he wrote me a modest check.

所以每个学期他都会给我写一张微薄的支票。

In the notes section, and he cheekily wrote, beer money.

在笔记部分，他厚着脸皮写下，啤酒钱。

I wrote him regular emails about my life at Harvard and my budding success as a published writer.

我定期给他写电子邮件，讲述我在哈佛的生活以及我作为一名出版作家的新成功。

He was always appropriate and boundaried.

他总是恰到好处且有界限。

I had read obsessively about artists since I was a kid and considered myself an artist since I was a kid, so I didn't feel weird about older, wealthy, white people giving me money in exchange for grades or writing.

我从小就沉迷于关于艺术家的阅读，并且从小就认为自己是一名艺术家，所以我对年长的、富有的白人给我钱以换取成绩或写作并不感到奇怪。

It was patronage.

这是赞助。

They were Gertrude Stein, and I was a young Hemingway.

他们是格特鲁德·斯坦因，我是年轻的海明威。

I was van Gogh, crazy and broken.

我是梵高，疯狂而破碎。

I truly did not have any racial anxieties about this, thank god.

感谢上帝，我对此确实没有任何种族焦虑。

That kind of thing could really fuck a kid up.

这种事情真的可以把一个孩子搞砸。

Different therapists throughout the years have tried to get me to confess to cultural shock about arriving to Harvard as a poor, undocumented freshman.

多年来，不同的治疗师一直试图让我承认，作为一名贫穷、无证的新生来到哈佛时，我受到了文化冲击。

But the truth is there was none.

但事实是没有。

I've always had a really wonderful sense of self-esteem thanks to my mother, who is a tiny bit of a narcissist and has delusions of royalty, and because of my mental illness, which comes with delusions of grandeur of its own.

我一直有一种非常美妙的自尊感，这要感谢我的母亲，她有点自恋，有皇室的妄想，也因为我的精神疾病，它伴随着自己的伟大妄想。

So I kind of felt like it was my birthright.

所以我觉得这是我与生俱来的权利。

That probably makes a lot of people very mad.

这可能让很多人非常生气。

As I began to receive my diagnoses and misdiagnoses throughout my 20s-- depression, anxiety, OCD, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, complex trauma-- I didn't feel anything other than affinity with writers I loved, people like Emily Dickinson, Sylvia Plath, Anne Sexton, and Robert Lowell.

当我在二十多岁的时候开始接受我的诊断和误诊——抑郁、焦虑、强迫症、双相情感障碍、边缘性人格障碍、复杂的创伤——除了与我所爱的作家如艾米莉·狄金森、西尔维娅·普拉斯、安妮·塞克斯顿和罗伯特·洛厄尔等人的亲密关系之外，我没有任何感觉。

It made sense to me that I had my own demons.

我有自己的恶魔，这对我来说是有道理的。

Of course I did.

我当然这么做了。

I've always been super casual when people ask me about my parents having left me in Ecuador.

当人们问起我的父母把我留在厄瓜多尔的事情时，我总是非常随意。

That's a bravado I'd like to keep on the official record.

这是我想保留在官方记录中的虚张声势。

But sometimes I think about it.

但有时我也会想。

I haven't talked with my parents about their having left me in Ecuador when I was a year and a half old.

我还没有和父母谈论过他们在我一岁半的时候把我留在厄瓜多尔的事。

Sometimes I do adorable things, like take pictures of myself chugging vodka bottles or pretending to down the contents of a pill bottle, and send them to my mother with the caption, because you abandoned me.

有时我会做一些可爱的事情，比如拍下自己大口喝伏特加瓶或假装吞下药瓶里的东西的照片，然后把它们发给我妈妈，并附上说明文字，因为你抛弃了我。

When I am away from my partner and dog for a few days for work, and it's hard, I wonder how my parents were able to do it for three years.

当我因为工作而离开我的伴侣和狗几天，这很艰难时，我想知道我的父母是如何熬过三年的。

I don't blame either of them for it.

我不为此责怪他们任何一个。

I never have.

我从来没有。

What I'm describing to you is dirt extracted from a very tight pore.

我向您描述的是从非常紧密的毛孔中提取的污垢。

I don't feel anything about being left on the day to day, but I am told by mental health experts that it has affected me.

我对每天被留下没有任何感觉，但心理健康专家告诉我，这对我产生了影响。

And I fought that conclusion.

我反对这个结论。

I denied it.

我否认了。

I wanted to be a genius.

我想成为一名天才。

I wanted my mental illnesses to be purely biological.

我希望我的精神疾病纯粹是生物学的。

I wanted to have been born wild and crazy and weird and brilliant, writing math equations in chalk on a window.

我希望自己生来狂野、疯狂、怪异、聪明，在窗户上用粉笔写数学方程。

Instead, therapist after therapist told me I had attachment issues and that my mental illnesses were related to my childhood.

相反，一个又一个的治疗师告诉我，我有依恋问题，而且我的精神疾病与我的童年有关。

I left those therapists, ghosted them.

我离开了那些治疗师，把他们幽灵化了。

But it's not just those early years without my parents that branded me.

但给我打上烙印的不仅仅是那些没有父母陪伴的早年时光。

It's the life I've lead in America as a migrant.

这就是我作为移民在美国过的生活。

As an undocumented person, I felt like a hologram.

作为一个无证件的人，我感觉自己就像一张全息图。

Nothing felt secure.

没有什么是安全的。

I never felt safe.

我从未感到安全。

I didn't allow myself to feel joy because I was scared to attach myself to anything I'd have to let go of.

我不允许自己感到快乐，因为我害怕让自己依附于任何我必须放弃的东西。

Being deportable means you have to be ready to go at any moment.

被驱逐出境意味着您必须随时准备好离开。

I've never loved a material object.

我从来没有爱过任何物质的东西。

When my parents took me home after my Harvard graduation, we took the Chinatown bus, and we each took one suitcase of my things.

哈佛毕业后，当我父母带我回家时，我们乘坐唐人街巴士，每人带了一箱我的东西。

If it didn't fit, we threw it out.

如果不合适，我们就把它扔掉。

We threw out everything that wasn't clothes.

我们扔掉了所有不是衣服的东西。

After I graduated from Harvard, I went to Yale to do a PhD.

哈佛毕业后，我去耶鲁大学攻读博士学位。

I never wanted to PhD.

我从来没想过攻读博士学位。

But DACA didn't exist then, and I couldn't legally get a job anywhere.

但当时 DACA 还不存在，我也无法在任何地方合法找到工作。

And I had to buy time for something to happen-- for the DREAM Act to pass, which my dad had assured me would happened since I was in middle school.

我必须为事情的发生争取时间——为梦想法案的通过，我父亲从我上中学时就向我保证这将会发生。

And I needed the health insurance.

我需要健康保险。

It's allowed me to write, and my parents will be proud when I get that doctorate.

它让我能够写作，当我获得博士学位时，我的父母会为我感到自豪。

I have fetched the American dream and laid it at my parents' feet.

我已经取得了美国梦并将其放在我父母的脚下。

But the twisted inversion that many children of immigrants know is that, at some point, your parents become your children.

但许多移民子女都知道，扭曲的颠倒是，在某些时候，你的父母变成了你的孩子。

And your own personal American dream becomes making sure they age and die with dignity in a country that has long wanted them dead.

而你个人的美国梦就是确保他们在一个长期希望他们死去的国家里有尊严地衰老和死亡。

A few years ago, my father experienced heart failure.

几年前，我的父亲出现了心力衰竭。

This was the moment I had been preparing for my entire life.

这是我一生都在准备的时刻。

Everything that had happened to me since I took that New York-bound flight 24 years ago had been preparing me for this moment.

自从 24 年前乘坐飞往纽约的航班以来，发生在我身上的一切都在为这一刻做好准备。

Learning English, getting bangs, gaining weight, losing weight, getting the sick puppy from the pet shop-- all of that happened to prepare me to this point.

学习英语、留刘海、增重、减肥、从宠物店买来生病的小狗——所有这些都恰好让我做好了这一切的准备。

My parents were sick, undocumented, uninsured, and aging out of work in a fucking racist country.

我的父母生病了，没有证件，没有保险，而且在一个该死的种族主义国家里年老失业。

Until the pandemic hit, my father was a salad maker, feeding Manhattan's executive class.

在大流行爆发之前，我的父亲是一名沙拉制作者，为曼哈顿的行政阶层提供食物。

He had worked for 14 years at the same restaurant, then left.

他在同一家餐厅工作了 14 年，然后离开了。

He was invited to a promising new job, lured there by an acquaintance who assured him of better hours, better treatment, a better environment.

一位熟人向他保证更好的工作时间、更好的待遇和更好的环境，他被邀请去一份有前途的新工作。

My dad is very gullible.

我爸爸很容易上当受骗。

He spent a week at this new restaurant, where, for spare change, they had him work all day.

他在这家新餐厅待了一周，为了换取零钱，他们让他工作一整天。

And then at the end of the day, he was given just two and a half hours to clean an industrial kitchen-- an industrial fryer, a refrigerator, a stove, an oven, and a sink-- wash the dishes in the dishwasher, take out the trash, sweep and mop the floors, and clean the garbage chute.

然后在一天结束时，他只有两个半小时的时间来清洁工业厨房——工业油炸锅、冰箱、炉灶、烤箱和水槽——用洗碗机洗碗，倒垃圾，扫地和拖地，清理垃圾槽。

His body was wrecked at the end of each day.

每天结束时，他的身体都被毁坏了。

I'm too old to for this, he said.

“我已经太老了，做不了这个，”他说。

So he quit.

所以他退出了。

His old job wouldn't take him back.

他的旧工作不会让他回去。

Desperate, he began each morning by showing up at a Latinx job agency, which would send him out to audition at a different restaurant day after day, week after week, to no avail.

绝望之下，他每天早上都会去一家拉丁裔职业介绍所，日复一日、一周又一周，这家机构会派他去另一家餐厅试镜，但毫无结果。

My dad started texting me blurry cell phone pictures from the job agency.

我爸爸开始给我发短信，用求职机构发来的模糊的手机照片。

He took the photos when he was sitting in the waiting room of the agency, waiting for his name to be called.

这些照片是他坐在该机构的候诊室等待叫到他的名字时拍摄的。

The first picture is of a man, maybe in his late 70s, wearing a green button down, khaki pants, and aviator sunglasses.

第一张照片是一名男子，大约 70 多岁，穿着绿色系扣衬衫、卡其色裤子和飞行员太阳镜。

His lips are downcast.

他的嘴唇低垂。

My dad said he was applying to be a dishwasher.

我爸爸说他正在申请成为一名洗碗机。

The second picture is of a man, maybe in his late 40s, who was wearing a black baseball cap, a gray sweater, and maroon pants.

第二张照片是一名男子，大概四十多岁，戴着黑色棒球帽，穿着灰色毛衣和栗色裤子。

My dad said he'd had a stroke.

我爸爸说他中风了。

His right arm was paralyzed, and he had a limp and his right leg.

他的右臂瘫痪，右腿跛行。

He was also applying to be a dishwasher.

他还申请成为一名洗碗机。

It's hard to see men like that not get jobs, my dad texted.

我爸爸发短信说，很难看到这样的人找不到工作。

I hope they have children who can take care of them, I respond.

“我希望他们有可以照顾他们的孩子，”我回答道。

What I mean to say is, I hope they have a child like me.

我想说的是，我希望他们有一个像我这样的孩子。

I hope everyone has a child like me.

希望每个人都有一个像我一样的孩子。

I tell god, this is going to kill me anyway, so just take me.

我告诉上帝，无论如何这都会杀了我，所以带上我吧。

Patent and mass produce and distribute me to undocumented immigrants at Walmarts.

获得专利并批量生产并将我分发给沃尔玛的无证移民。

I am a professional undocumented immigrant's daughter.

我是一名职业无证移民的女儿。

I saved the photos on my phone as a reminder to myself of why I need to be successful, so successful, statistical anomaly successful.

我把这些照片保存在手机上，以提醒自己为什么我需要成功，如此成功，统计上异常的成功。

Then I deleted them because they harmed my mental health.

然后我删除了它们，因为它们损害了我的心理健康。

I wish I still had them.

我希望我还拥有它们。

My parents live in New York City, and after the pandemic hit in March, they lost their jobs.

我的父母住在纽约市，三月份大流行爆发后，他们失业了。

They're both in Queens, the center of the center of the epidemic.

他们都在皇后区，是疫情的中心地带。

I've prohibited my father from doing dangerous gig work, like deliveries.

我禁止父亲从事危险的零工工作，比如送货。

And I've begun to financially support them both.

我已经开始在经济上支持他们俩。

My mom is immunocompromised.

我妈妈免疫力低下。

She has an extremely low white blood cell count.

她的白细胞计数极低。

I have really lovely dreams, crazy fucking cotton candy fantasy dreams, dreams that make my whole body feel warm, where I cut up my chest, no anesthesia, take out my lungs, and implant them into her chest with the tree stitch.

我有非常可爱的梦，疯狂的棉花糖幻想梦，让我全身感到温暖的梦，我切开我的胸部，没有麻醉，取出我的肺，然后用树形针将它们植入她的胸部。

And if I'm lucky, in the seconds I have before I die, I would be able to see her heart.

如果我幸运的话，在我死前的几秒钟里，我就能看到她的心。

We wouldn't even need a ventilator.

我们甚至不需要呼吸机。

There is a Harvard scholar named Roberto Gonzalez who has conducted longitudinal studies on the effects of undocumented life on young people.

哈佛大学有一位学者名叫罗伯托·冈萨雷斯，他对无证生活对年轻人的影响进行了纵向研究。

He found his subjects suffered chronic headaches, toothaches, ulcers, sleep problems, and eating issues, which is funny to find in research because I get these migraines, an 8 or 9 on the 10 point scale.

他发现他的受试者患有慢性头痛、牙痛、溃疡、睡眠问题和饮食问题，这在研究中发现很有趣，因为我患有这些偏头痛，在 10 分制中为 8 或 9 分。

I have a CAT scan, an MRI.

我做了 CAT 扫描、MRI。

I go to the neurologist.

我去看神经科医生。

The readings are all inconclusive.

读数都没有结论。

I'm told it's a migraine with an unknown cause.

我被告知这是一种原因不明的偏头痛。

Have you tried yoga, they say.

他们说，你尝试过瑜伽吗？

The headaches get worse when I write about my parents.

当我写到我的父母时，头痛变得更严重。

From migrants shot in the head by Border Patrol, to migrant children being forcibly injected with drugs in detention centers, US government's crimes against immigrants are beyond the pale.

从移民被边境巡逻队射中头部，到移民儿童在看守所被强行注射毒品，美国政府针对移民的罪行令人目瞪口呆。

And the whole world knows.

全世界都知道。

But when I was growing up and throughout the Obama administration, similar crimes were happening, if on a different scale, and I'm not sure the same people cared.

但在我成长的过程中以及在奥巴马政府执政期间，类似的犯罪行为时有发生，只是规模不同，而且我不确定是否有同样的人关心这一点。

I felt crazy for thinking we were under attack, watching my neighbors disappear and then going to school, and watching the nightly news, and watching award shows and seeing no mention.

我感到疯狂，因为我认为我们受到了攻击，看着我的邻居消失然后去上学，看着晚间新闻，观看颁奖典礼却没有看到任何提及。

I felt crazy watching the white supremacist state slowly kill my father.

看着白人至上主义国家慢慢杀死我的父亲，我感到很疯狂。

I would frantically tell everyone that there was no such thing as the American dream.

我会疯狂地告诉所有人，美国梦并不存在。

But then some all-star immigrants around me, who had done things the right way, preached a different story, and Americans ate that up.

但后来我周围的一些以正确方式做事的全明星移民却宣扬了不同的故事，美国人接受了这一点。

It all made me feel crazy.

这一切都让我感到疯狂。

I also am crazy.

我也疯了。

Pero why?

但为什么呢？

Researchers have shown that the flooding of stress hormones resulting from a traumatic separation from your parents at a young age kills off so many dendrites and neurons in the brain that it results in permanent psychological and physical changes.

研究人员表明，年轻时与父母的痛苦分离导致的压力荷尔蒙泛滥会杀死大脑中大量的树突和神经元，从而导致永久性的心理和身体变化。

One psychiatrist I went to told me that my brain looks like a tree without branches.

我去找的一位精神科医生告诉我，我的大脑看起来就像一棵没有树枝的树。

So I just think about all the children who have been separated from their parents, and there's a lot of us, past and present, and some under more traumatic circumstances than others, like those who are in internment camps right now.

所以我只想到所有与父母分离的孩子，我们中有很多人，过去的和现在的，有些人比其他人承受着更多的创伤，就像现在在拘留营里的那些人一样。

And I just imagine us as an army of mutants.

我只是把我们想象成一支变种人军队。

What will happen to us?

我们会发生什么？

Who will we become?

我们会成为谁？

Who will take care of us?

谁来照顾我们？

We've all been touched by this monster, and our brains are forever changed, all of us trees without branches.

我们都被这个怪物感动了，我们的大脑永远改变了，我们都是无枝之树。

Karla Cornejo Villavicencio reading an essay adapted from her brand new memoir, The Undocumented Americans.

卡拉·科尔内霍·维拉维森西奥正在阅读一篇改编自她全新回忆录《无证美国人》的文章。

Coming up, a meaningless high school competition that, years later, becomes very, very meaningful.

即将到来的是一场毫无意义的高中比赛，多年后，它变得非常非常有意义。

That's in a minute from Chicago Public Radio when our program continues.

芝加哥公共广播电台一分钟后我们的节目仍在继续。

It's This American Life.

这就是美国生活。

I'm Ira Glass.

我是艾拉·格拉斯。

Today's program, Embiggening, stories where new details arrive that embiggen in the picture-- and thank you The Simpsons, by the way, for that word-- and change everything.

今天的节目，Embiggening，故事中新的细节到来，使图片中的embiggen——顺便说一句，谢谢辛普森一家，用了这个词——并改变了一切。

We have arrived at act two of our show.

我们已经到了节目的第二幕了。

Act 2, Popular Vote.

第二幕，大众投票。

So there are times when you discover an information gap in your own past, something you thought you knew everything about.

所以有时你会发现自己过去的信息差距，一些你认为你知道一切的事情。

After all, it happened to you.

毕竟，这发生在你身上。

And then somebody comes along and says, no, it didn't happen like that at all.

然后有人走过来说，不，事情根本不是那样发生的。

What do you do with that new information?

您如何处理这些新信息？

Sean Cole has a story like that.

肖恩·科尔有一个这样的故事。

It begins more than a decade ago at a high school.

事情要从十多年前的一所高中开始。

Here's Sean.

这是肖恩。

The school was Granada Hills Charter High School, GHCHS.

学校是格拉纳达山特许高中（Granada Hills Charter High School，GHCHS）。

It's in the suburbs of LA.

它位于洛杉矶郊区。

Huge, more than 4,500 kids enrolled right now.

目前已有超过 4,500 名儿童报名。

It's the largest charter school in the country.

它是该国最大的特许学校。

And in the spring of 2007, it engaged in one of the most hallowed of American high school traditions, senior superlatives.

2007 年春天，学校举行了美国高中最神圣的传统之一——高年级最高级活动。

You might have had these at your school.

您的学校可能有这些。

Kids vote each other most likely to succeed, best smile, cutest couple.

孩子们互相投票选出最有可能成功、最灿烂的笑容、最可爱的情侣。

Marc Snetiker was one of those kids.

马克·斯内蒂克就是其中之一。

I've been embarrassed about my superlatives for 10 years.

十年来我一直为自己的最高级感到尴尬。

Have you been?

你去过吗？

Marc Snetiker I mean, I won most school spirited.

Marc Snetiker 我的意思是，我赢得了最具学校精神的人。

Nobody wants to win most school spirited.

没有人想赢得最具学校精神的人。

I put all of my closeted gay energy into school spirit.

我把所有未公开的同性恋能量都投入到学校精神中。

You know what I mean?

你知道我的意思？

I did the morning announcements.

我做了早上的公告。

I was on student council.

我是学生会成员。

I did theater.

我做过戏剧。

I loved high school.

我喜欢高中。

He also won a category called all around senior.

他还赢得了一个名为“全能高级”的类别。

You were allowed to compete in two categories but no more than that.

您可以参加两个类别的比赛，但仅限于此。

And GHCHS really put a lot into these superlatives.

GHCHS 确实在这些最高级的方面投入了很多。

There was an election, like usual, with paper ballots.

像往常一样，进行了纸质选票的选举。

But instead of announcing the winners over the intercom or posting them on a hallway bulletin board, there was this event run by the Senior Leadership Council, which Marc was on-- a big ceremony and trophies.

但不是通过对讲机宣布获奖者或将获奖者张贴在走廊公告牌上，而是由高级领导委员会举办的一项盛大的仪式和奖杯，马克也参加了该活动。

All of the winners received a little replica of the Oscar statuette.

所有获奖者都收到了奥斯卡小雕像的小复制品。

It wasn't unlike a roast.

这与烤肉没什么不同。

All the seniors were in our auditorium.

所有的高年级学生都在我们的礼堂里。

And I think I actually-- now that I'm realizing it, I think I helped give them out.

我想我实际上——现在我意识到了这一点，我想我帮助了他们。

I see.

我懂了。

Marc Snetiker But I do remember reading names of some of my friends and cheering them on.

Marc Snetiker 但我确实记得读过一些朋友的名字并为他们加油。

And all of my best friends all won things.

我所有最好的朋友都赢得了东西。

Which make sense.

这是有道理的。

Marc was popular.

马克很受欢迎。

His friends were popular.

他的朋友很受欢迎。

But that was 13 years ago, and he hadn't been thinking too much about the superlatives until recently.

但那是13年前的事了，直到最近他才开始过多地思考最高级的事情。

I was at home, cooking dinner.

我当时正在家里做饭。

And I got a text from my friend.

我收到了朋友发来的短信。

A friend from high school.

一个高中时期的朋友。

Marc Snetiker And all it said was, please stop what you're doing and read this.

Marc Snetiker 上面所说的就是，请停止你正在做的事情并阅读本文。

It was a Facebook post, posted to a private Facebook group for Marc's high school class, the class of 2007.

这是一篇 Facebook 帖子，发布到 Marc 高中班级（2007 届）的私人 Facebook 群组中。

Marc's not on Facebook, so it was the first he was seeing it.

Marc 没有使用 Facebook，所以这是他第一次看到它。

And the text wasn't just to Marc.

而且这条短信不只是发给马克的。

Four other buddies from high school were on it as well.

另外四个高中好友也在其中。

We all read it.

我们都读过。

And immediately, we were all freaking out.

立刻，我们都吓坏了。

I can't believe this.

我简直不敢相信这一点。

Oh my god, this makes so much sense.

天哪，这太有道理了。

I wonder if you could just read the post.

我想知道你是否可以阅读这篇文章。

Do you have it there?

你那里有吗？

Totally.

完全。

So he said, "Hey, guys, one more thing before I forget.

所以他说：“嘿，伙计们，在我忘记之前还有一件事。

In the spirit of the new year, I'd like to take this opportunity to confess to all of you that I and one or two other members of Senior Leadership Council '07, who will remain unnamed, interfered with the class of 2007 senior superlatives.

本着新年的精神，我想借此机会向大家坦白，我和 07 届高级领导委员会的一两个其他成员（他们的名字不详）干扰了 2007 年高级领导层的班级。

This is not a joke.

这不是玩笑。

We went to great lengths to forge no less than 30 filled out ballots, with all of our friends and acquaintances winning their respective categories.

我们竭尽全力伪造了不少于 30 张填写的选票，我们所有的朋友和熟人都赢得了各自的类别。

We attempted to rig literally every category."

我们试图操纵几乎每个类别。”

So classic ballot stuffing, with 30 forged ballots, at least.

这是典型的选票填充行为，至少有 30 张伪造选票。

The perpetrator goes on to say that not everyone he tried to fix the election for actually won.

肇事者接着说，并不是所有他试图操纵选举的人都真正获胜。

And the nominees for each category, the choices on the ballot, those were all legit.

每个类别的提名者、选票上的选择，这些都是合法的。

It's just the outcome that was now in question.

现在所关心的只是结果。

Again, this confession was coming 13 years after the fact.

同样，这一坦白是在事实发生 13 年后才做出的。

"Wow, I feel such a weight lifted off my shoulders having finally confessed this.

“哇，终于承认了这一点，我感觉肩上的担子卸下了。

Thank you for reading." Oh my god.

感谢您的阅读。”我的天啊。

Now, it's not like Marc has been sitting around for the last 13 years clinging to as mini Oscar trophy, defining himself by his superlatives.

现在，马克已经不再像过去 13 年里一直坐在那里紧握着迷你奥斯卡奖杯，用他的最高级来定义自己。

Since high school, he's poured is no longer closeted energy into entertainment-- worked for Entertainment Weekly for a long time, just moved over to Netflix.

从高中开始，他就不再将封闭的精力投入到娱乐领域——在《娱乐周刊》工作了很长时间，刚刚转到 Netflix。

But it's not like he thinks he didn't deserve his awards.

但这并不是说他认为他不值得获得这些奖项。

Whether or not he rigged-- it's interesting to think about who really was rigged.

无论他是否被操纵——思考谁真正被操纵是很有趣的。

Because me, I really, objectively was very school spirited.

因为我，我真的，客观地非常有上学精神。

And very all-around seniory.

而且是非常全面的资深人士。

And a couple of friends on the text thread felt the same way.

短信里的几个朋友也有同样的感觉。

One of them said, "Do you think people don't believe I had best eyes?"

其中一人说：“你认为人们不相信我有最好的眼睛吗？”

We particularly were interested because the five of us all won.

我们特别感兴趣，因为我们五个人都赢了。

We all won some different superlative, and we all thought that was pretty cool.

我们都赢得了一些不同的最高级，我们都认为这很酷。

Because I think, ultimately, high school senior superlatives are-- I mean, it's complicated.

因为我认为，最终，高中生的最高级是——我的意思是，它很复杂。

Right?

正确的？

They are absolutely meaningless.

它们完全没有意义。

And yet, at the time, they are such a huge deal because they are peer-voted.

然而，在当时，它们是如此重要，因为它们是同行投票的。

And nobody wants their memories tampered with or invalidated.

没有人希望自己的记忆被篡改或失效。

Right?

正确的？

Subconsciously, we're all thinking to ourselves, oh my god, what would 18-year-old me have thought about this?

潜意识里，我们都在想，天啊，18岁的我会怎么想这个？

Yeah.

是的。

Marc Snetiker That's really at the core of all this.

Marc Snetiker 这确实是这一切的核心。

We're all having imaginary conversations with our 18-year-old selves, thinking, oh my god, he can never know.

我们都在与 18 岁的自己进行想象中的对话，心想，天哪，他永远不会知道。

This will uproot him.

这将把他连根拔起。

This will unravel him to find out.

这将让他解开谜团来找出答案。

Which probably explains what happened next.

这可能解释了接下来发生的事情。

In short, Marc posted a screenshot of the confession to Twitter, not thinking much about it, went off to the gym.

总之，马克把表白的截图发到了推特上，没有多想，就去了健身房。

And when he came back, it had exploded-- more than 150,000 likes and retweets and comments at this point, most of them not GHCHS alums.

当他回来时，它已经爆炸了——此时已有超过 150,000 条点赞、转发和评论，其中大多数不是 GHCHS 校友。

Weirdly, a lot of people wrote that the same thing had happened at their high school, or that they themselves had rigged the superlatives election, or had always suspected superlatives were rigged, and now here was proof.

奇怪的是，很多人写道，同样的事情在他们的高中发生过，或者他们自己操纵了最高级的选举，或者一直怀疑最高级的选举被操纵了，现在有证据了。

And a couple of people pointed out something that I noticed too, that the perpetrator never actually apologizes in his message.

有几个人指出了我也注意到的一件事，即肇事者从未在他的消息中真正道歉。

I didn't know this was going to go viral.

我不知道这会病毒式传播。

I thought this was going to be shared with 400 people in my high school senior class Facebook page, and that was it.

我以为这会在我的高中高年级 Facebook 页面上与 400 个人分享，仅此而已。

This is Michael Barlevav, rigger of high school elections, confessor of high school transgressions, 30 years old now, still living in LA.

这是迈克尔·巴勒瓦夫 (Michael Barlevav)，高中选举的操纵者，高中违规行为的忏悔者，现年 30 岁，仍住在洛杉矶。

And I had about 100 questions for him, chief among them why it took him so long to come clean and what it had been like sitting with the weight of that guilt for so many years.

我向他提出了大约 100 个问题，其中最主要的问题是为什么他花了这么长时间才坦白，以及多年来一直背负着愧疚的重担是什么感觉。

You say at the end of the confession-- hang on.

你在忏悔结束时说——坚持住。

Wow, I feel such a weight lifted off my shoulders.

哇，我感觉肩上的担子卸下了。

Weight lifted off my shoulders.

我肩上的重担卸下了。

Yeah.

是的。

Did you?

你有吗？

No, that was just me being-- that was just me being cynical.

不，那只是我——那只是我愤世嫉俗。

In truth, there was no weight, no guilt.

事实上，没有重量，没有罪恶感。

In fact, Michael had wanted to come clean right away, but a bunch of more pressing things took his attention.

事实上，迈克尔本想立即坦白，但一堆更紧迫的事情吸引了他的注意力。

He was diagnosed with cancer, actually.

事实上，他被诊断出患有癌症。

Went through treatment, got better, moved on.

经过治疗，病情好转，继续前进。

It was only when he saw his former classmates talking about a potential reunion on the Facebook page that he thought of all this again.

直到他看到以前的同学在脸书页面上谈论可能的重聚时，他才再次想起这一切。

And the thing you need to know about Michael, unlike Marc, he was a slacker senior year, checked out, only interested in, his words, smoking weed and getting laid.

关于迈克尔，你需要了解的一点是，与马克不同，他是一名懒惰的高年级学生，检查过，只对他的话、吸大麻和上床感兴趣。

And then he found out there's a superlative for that-- biggest case of senioritis.

然后他发现有一个最高级的说法——最大的老年炎病例。

And I remember begging everybody in my homeroom to nominate me.

我记得我恳求班里的每个人都提名我。

And I asked all my friends.

我问了我所有的朋友。

I was like, I really want to get senioritis.

我当时想，我真的很想得老年炎。

I want this.

我想要这个。

Because he was competitive about being a slacker.

因为他很想成为一个懒鬼。

And organized about it-- he only picked four super easy classes senior year, including, he says, Senior Leadership Council, which ran the election.

并对此进行了组织——高年级时他只选了四门超级简单的课程，其中包括他说的负责选举的高级领导委员会。

So he knew that no one would notice if, during class, he and an accomplice hung out for a while near the ballot box, where there also happened to be a stack of blank ballots handy.

所以他知道，如果在上课期间，他和一名同伙在投票箱附近闲逛，没人会注意到，那里碰巧手边还放着一叠空白选票。

And one thing Michael learned right away, rigging an election can be complicated.

迈克尔立即了解到一件事，操纵选举可能很复杂。

There was actually one category, I remember, where two girls were both nominated.

我记得，实际上有一个类别，有两名女孩同时获得提名。

And we were friends with both of them.

我们和他们都是朋友。

And so we just filled out an equal number of ballots for each of them, because I didn't want a favor-- I didn't want to favor either one because I liked them both.

所以我们只是为他们每个人填写了相同数量的选票，因为我不想偏袒任何一个，因为我喜欢他们两个。

Was it a kind of thing we're other people really wanted a certain superlative?

我们其他人真的想要某种最高级的东西吗？

Or were-- I mean, you really wanted biggest case of senioritis, and you were begging people in your homeroom to nominate you for that.

或者是——我的意思是，你真的想要最大的老年炎病例，而你恳求班里的人为此提名你。

Well, let's not-- let's not go crazy.

好吧，我们不要——我们不要发疯。

I wasn't begging anybody.

我没有乞求任何人。

OK?

好的？

I'm sorry, folks.

对不起，各位。

Just pausing here.

就在这里暂停一下。

Can we go back to that tape we played 60 seconds ago?

我们可以回到 60 秒前播放的那盘磁带吗？

And I remember begging everybody in my homeroom to nominate me.

我记得我恳求班里的每个人都提名我。

Thank you.

谢谢。

Anyway, votes were in, ballot box was stuffed.

无论如何，选票已经投了，投票箱已经塞满了。

And it came time for that big event where they announced all the winners.

到了宣布所有获奖者的大型活动的时候了。

The whole time I was super nervous.

整个过程中我都超级紧张。

Every time a new category was being announced-- the winners were being announced, I was like, oh man, are we going to win this one?

每当一个新类别被宣布——获奖者被宣布时，我就想，天哪，我们会赢得这个奖项吗？

Are we going to win this one?

我们会赢这一仗吗？

Are we going to win this one?

我们会赢这一仗吗？

And every time somebody was announced as the winner, I was like, ooh, that guy won because of me.

每次有人被宣布为获胜者时，我都会想，哦，那家伙因为我而获胜。

Or it was like, oh shit, the girl that I wanted to win didn't win.

或者就像是，天哪，我想赢的女孩没有赢。

Because like I said, not everybody that we tried to fix it for won.

因为就像我说的，并不是我们尝试修复它的每个人都能获胜。

And then when my friend who helped me rig it won his category and then when I won my category, it was just-- it was just so sweet.

然后，当我的朋友帮我安装它时，他赢得了他的类别，然后当我赢得了我的类别时，这真是——太甜蜜了。

I'll never forget it.

我永远不会忘记它。

They announced the winners, and the winners would go up on stage.

他们宣布了获胜者，获胜者将登上舞台。

We got our trophies.

我们得到了我们的奖杯。

And then he went backstage for a picture that would go into the yearbook, which was important to him, proof of his victory.

然后他去后台拍了一张照片，这张照片将被载入年鉴，这对他来说很重要，是他胜利的证明。

It was something that I would never forget.

这是我永远不会忘记的事情。

There would be a page in the yearbook reminding me and my friend that we interfered with this shit and that all of our friends, or most of our friends, won their category, whether or not they would have otherwise.

年鉴中会有一页提醒我和我的朋友，我们干扰了这件事，我们所有的朋友，或者我们的大多数朋友，赢得了他们的类别，无论他们是否会赢得。

I wanted to make it absurd, like ridiculous, preposterous.

我想让它变得荒唐、可笑、荒谬。

Some of the people who won their categories absolutely should not have won their categories.

一些赢得类别的人绝对不应该赢得类别。

And that delighted him in a diabolical way.

这让他以一种恶魔般的方式感到高兴。

It did then, and it does now.

过去是这样，现在也是如此。

The lack of apology in his confession wasn't just an oversight.

他的供词中没有道歉不仅仅是一个疏忽。

What is there to apologize for?

有什么可道歉的？

What is there to apologize for, honestly?

老实说，有什么可道歉的？

Yeah, I was an asshole.

是的，我是个混蛋。

Yeah, what I did was dishonest.

是的，我的所作所为是不诚实的。

Yeah, it was shady.

是的，当时很阴暗。

Yeah, it was insensitive.

是的，这是不敏感的。

But I would definitely do it again the exact same way--

但我肯定会以同样的方式再做一次——

Really?

真的吗？

Michael Barlevav --if I had-- absolutely.

迈克尔·巴勒瓦夫（Michael Barlevav）——如果我有的话——绝对如此。

I wouldn't do anything differently.

我不会做任何不同的事情。

I think it's going to be a net positive impact.

我认为这将产生净积极影响。

At least I hope so, man.

至少我希望如此，伙计。

I hope that what people take away from this is that you should not put value into things that are so arbitrary and silly, like popularity and who has the best hair, or the best smile, or who's the biggest flirt, or who's the most likely to become president, or who is most likely to whatever.

我希望人们从中得到的教训是，你不应该把价值放在如此武断和愚蠢的事情上，比如受欢迎程度、谁拥有最好的头发、最好的微笑、或者谁最调情、或者谁最有可能成为总统，或者谁最有可能成为任何人。

It's just opinion, man.

这只是意见，伙计。

It's completely subjective.

这完全是主观的。

There's no meaning behind it.

其背后没有任何意义。

Then Michael's heart's in the right place.

那么迈克尔的心就在正确的地方。

But as far as I can tell, the person from Michael's high school class who's most concerned about these senior superlatives is Michael.

但据我所知，迈克尔的高中班级中最关心这些高级最高级的人是迈克尔。

If you squint at it for a second, he cared so much about getting an award for caring the least, the senioritis award, that he went to, quote, "great lengths to commit electoral fraud."

如果你仔细看一下，你会发现他非常关心获得最不关心奖，即资历奖，以至于他“不遗余力地进行选举舞弊”。

Also, in the comments below his Facebook confession and my conversations with some of his classmates, no one else seems at all invested at this point in who won or lost.

此外，在他的 Facebook 忏悔下面的评论以及我与他的一些同学的对话中，目前似乎没有人对谁赢谁输感兴趣。

Elush Shirazpour was awarded class clown in 2007.

Elush Shirazpour 于 2007 年荣获班级小丑奖。

He says he and his friends were not the least upset reading Michael's Facebook post.

他说他和他的朋友们在读到迈克尔的脸书帖子后一点也不感到不安。

We just laughed and joked about this.

我们只是笑着开玩笑。

And I have some friend that lost.

我有一个失去的朋友。

And we said, oh, it was you!

我们说，哦，是你！

They rigged it against you!

他们操纵它来对付你！

Like you were the one who should have gotten it?

好像你是应该得到它的人？

Yeah, exactly.

是的，完全正确。

But yeah, apparently the deep state senior superlative council got to them.

但是，是的，显然深层国家高级最高委员会已经找到了他们。

Did it make you question whether or not you were actually the class clown?

这是否让你怀疑自己是否真的是班级小丑？

I think, for sure, I won-- Sean Cole Fair and square?

我想，我肯定赢了——肖恩·科尔 公平吗？

I think so.

我想是的。

I like to think I was funny.

我喜欢认为自己很有趣。

Back in high school, I was 5'2", very short and looked very young for my age.

回到高中时，我身高 5 英尺 2 英寸，非常矮，相对于我的年龄来说看起来很年轻。

Uh-huh.

嗯嗯。

Elush Shirazpour So all I had was a personality.

Elush Shirazpour 所以我所拥有的只是个性。

So that's all I could do.

所以我能做的就是这些了。

Pretty much everyone I talked to felt this way.

几乎所有与我交谈过的人都有这种感觉。

Since there's no way of really knowing, they were like, sure, maybe somebody else got a superlative they shouldn't have gotten, but mine was totally deserved.

由于没有办法真正知道，他们就像，当然，也许其他人得到了他们不应该得到的最高级，但我完全应得的。

My girlfriend, Eva, and I won cutest couple.

我和我的女朋友伊娃赢得了最可爱情侣奖。

This is David Vigodnier.

这是大卫·维戈尼尔。

He's a nursing student in Colorado now.

他现在是科罗拉多州的一名护理学生。

He was at home studying when I called him.

我打电话给他时，他正在家里学习。

Eva-- Sean Cole His girlfriend, Eva, was there too.

伊娃——肖恩·科尔 他的女朋友伊娃也在场。

She's pursuing a doctorate in psychology.

她正在攻读心理学博士学位。

Did you know the other couples that were up for cutest couple?

你知道其他那些被选为最可爱情侣的情侣吗？

I honestly don't remember.

老实说我不记得了。

David Vigodnier Insert a joke about it didn't really matter, because we weren't going to lose.

David Vigodnier 插入一个笑话，这并不重要，因为我们不会输。

Oh my god.

天哪。

Sean Cole If I only knew which names Michael checked off on those fake ballots, I could ask those people what they thought now, if all of this changed anything for them.

肖恩·科尔 如果我只知道迈克尔在那些假选票上勾选了哪些名字，我就可以问那些人现在的想法，如果这一切对他们有任何改变的话。

But Michael refused to give me those names.

但迈克尔拒绝告诉我这些名字。

It was one thing confessing to what he did in a general way.

以一般方式承认他所做的事情是一回事。

But pointing to individual people and saying, they wouldn't have won if not for me, that just seemed mean and unnecessary.

但指着个别的人说，如果不是我，他们就不会获胜，这似乎很刻薄，也没有必要。

I did end up asking him about one person in particular-- Marc Snetiker, who posted Michael's confession on Twitter.

我最终确实向他询问了一个特别的人——马克·斯内蒂克(Marc Snetiker)，他在推特上发布了迈克尔的自白。

They were in Senior Leadership Council together.

他们一起参加高级领导委员会。

Yeah!

是啊！

I knew Marc very well.

我很了解马克。

He was really popular.

他真的很受欢迎。

Yeah.

是的。

At this point, Michael took a peak in the old yearbook he'd brought along with him for the interview.

此时，迈克尔仔细阅读了他采访时随身携带的旧年鉴。

Yeah.

是的。

So he won most cool spirited, and he won all around senior.

所以他赢得了最冷静的精神，他赢得了所有周围的高级。

Did he win those fair and square, or did he win those because you stuffed the ballot box?

他是公平公正地赢得了那些胜利，还是因为你塞满了选票箱而赢得了这些胜利？

You can't-- how the fuck am I supposed to know?

你不能——我他妈的怎么知道？

That's the point, man.

这就是重点，伙计。

There's no way to know.

没有办法知道。

Did you vote for him on those ballots that you stuffed?

你在你填的选票上投票给他了吗？

Before I answer that-- Sean Cole Uh-huh.

在我回答之前——肖恩·科尔 嗯嗯。

--let's acknowledge that it doesn't matter.

——让我们承认这并不重要。

OK.

好的。

We'll acknowledge that it doesn't matter.

我们会承认这并不重要。

OK.

好的。

So you acknowledge that this answer I'm about to give you is arbitrary.

所以你承认我要给你的这个答案是任意的。

But I'm going to give it to you anyway.

但无论如何我都会把它给你。

OK, good.

好的，很好。

Michael Barlevav Yeah.

迈克尔·巴勒瓦夫 是的。

Yeah, I voted for-- I wanted him to win because he was a good guy.

是的，我投了票——我希望他获胜，因为他是个好人。

Uh-huh.

嗯嗯。

Michael Barlevav Yeah.

迈克尔·巴勒瓦夫 是的。

So he was definitely one of the guys I fixed it for, for sure.

所以他绝对是我修复它的人之一，当然。

Oh, my god!

哦，天啊！

But at the same time, girl, who is to say that everybody else didn't think I was a good guy too, honey?

但与此同时，女孩，谁能说其他人也不认为我也是个好人呢，亲爱的？

You know?

你知道吗？

Come on.

来吧。

I mean, look, if he deemed as good friends enough to have rigged it for me, cool.

我的意思是，看，如果他认为自己是好朋友，足以为我操纵一切，那就太好了。

Thanks a lot, dude.

非常感谢，伙计。

You have labeled me as most cool spirited for 10 years, and I would happily disavow myself of that.

十年来，你一直给我贴上“最冷静、最有精神”的标签，但我很乐意否认这一点。

Yeah.

是的。

Oh, you know, I-- this makes me smile, because Michael was fun.

哦，你知道，我——这让我微笑，因为迈克尔很有趣。

We had a good time in high school together.

我们一起度过了高中的美好时光。

So it's nice to hear that he believed in me enough to rig votes in my favor.

所以很高兴听到他对我足够信任，可以操纵选票来支持我。

In other words, while Michael worried that learning the news might make Marc feel bad, it didn't come close.

换句话说，虽然迈克尔担心得知这个消息可能会让马克感到难过，但事实并非如此。

In fact, the opposite.

事实上，恰恰相反。

But here's the real effect that Michael's rigging the election had, in the way that he did it.

但这是迈克尔操纵选举所产生的真正影响，就像他所做的那样。

Because it was just 30 fake ballots, in effect, what he's done is create a superlative sized black hole of information for everyone involved.

因为这只是 30 张假选票，实际上，他所做的是为所有参与者创造了一个超大的信息黑洞。

Like he says, a lot of the winners might have won anyway, but they might not have.

正如他所说，很多获胜者可能无论如何都赢了，但他们也可能没有赢。

A lot of the losers might have lost anyway, but maybe they would have won.

许多失败者可能无论如何都会失败，但也许他们会赢。

So what we're left with is an extremely rare occurrence-- I can't think of another one-- in which a brand new piece of definitive, clear information that the election was rigged actually makes it so that everyone knows less than they did before.

因此，我们剩下的是一种极其罕见的情况——我想不出还有什么情况——一条全新的、明确的、明确的信息表明选举被操纵，实际上让每个人都比以前知道得更少。

Sean Cole is one of the producers of our program.

肖恩·科尔是我们节目的制作人之一。

Act Three: Tunnel Vision Ira Glass Act 3, Tunnel Vision.

第三幕：隧道视野 Ira Glass 第三幕，隧道视野。

So this story was first on our show back in 2015.

这个故事早在 2015 年就首次出现在我们的节目中。

That was the year Canada hosted the Pan American Games.

那一年加拿大主办了泛美运动会。

But a few months before the games began, somebody made a mysterious discovery close to the Toronto venue for the games.

但在比赛开始前几个月，有人在多伦多比赛场地附近发现了一个神秘的发现。

It was a secret tunnel.

这是一条秘密隧道。

And it wasn't just some shabby, half-baked construction.

这不仅仅是一些破旧的、半成品的建筑。

This is tall enough to stand in, 33 feet long, with support beams, a plywood ceiling, walls.

它足够高，可以站立，长 33 英尺，有支撑梁、胶合板天花板和墙壁。

It had water-resistant lighting, a generator, a sump pump to pump out groundwater.

它有防水照明、一台发电机、一台抽出地下水的污水泵。

And at the end of the tunnel, two little rooms were still under construction.

隧道的尽头，还有两间小房间正在建造中。

Even more intriguing, the decor-- a rosary and a plastic red poppy nailed to the wall.

更有趣的是装饰——墙上钉着一串念珠和一朵塑料红罂粟。

Canadians use the poppy to commemorate fallen soldiers on Remembrance Day.

加拿大人在阵亡将士纪念日用罂粟花来纪念阵亡的士兵。

In the United States, all this got a little bit of coverage.

在美国，这一切都得到了一些报道。

But in Canada, in 2015, it was big news.

但在2015年的加拿大，这是一个大新闻。

No one knows who dug the 30-foot-long tunnel near the site of this year's Pan American Games in Toronto.

没有人知道是谁在今年多伦多泛美运动会场地附近挖掘了这条 30 英尺长的隧道。

A bizarre tunnel found near one of the venues for the upcoming Pan Am Games has sparked fears of an imminent terror attack.

在即将举行的泛美运动会的一个场馆附近发现了一条奇怪的隧道，引发了人们对即将发生的恐怖袭击的担忧。

Rarely has a dirt tunnel received so much attention.

很少有一条泥土隧道受到如此多的关注。

No one knows why it was created.

没有人知道它为何被创建。

Do you think someone told their kid to dig to China and the kid actually tried?

你认为有人告诉他们的孩子去中国挖掘，而孩子真的尝试过吗？

It's not just the sophistication that police say is troubling, but the lack of suspects or a motive.

警方称，令人不安的不仅仅是案件的复杂性，还有缺乏嫌疑人或动机。

When something unexplained like this happens, of course people go nuts, speculating about what it could be.

当发生这样无法解释的事情时，人们当然会发疯，猜测可能是什么。

In this case, the media pondered whether the tunnel would be used to plant a bomb at the upcoming Pan Am games nearby.

在这种情况下，媒体思考该隧道是否会被用来在附近即将举行的泛美运动会上放置炸弹。

The Pan Am Games are like an Olympics for North and South and Central America.

泛美运动会就像北美、南美和中美洲的奥运会。

Or maybe somebody was going to build a meth lab in the tunnel, or an operation grow marijuana.

或者也许有人要在隧道里建造一个冰毒实验室，或者种植大麻。

Or they would use the tunnel to hide foreign athletes from the Pan Am Games who might want to stay in Canada illegally.

或者他们会利用隧道来隐藏可能想非法留在加拿大的泛美运动会外国运动员。

On Twitter, it was hashtag #TerrorTunnel.

在推特上，它的标签是#TerrorTunnel。

But the truth of what was going on in that tunnel, and what its purpose was, was nothing like any of that.

但那条隧道里发生的事情的真相以及它的目的是什么，却完全不是这样的。

And the way the Canadian police figured it out--

加拿大警方的解决办法是——

OK.

好的。

First of all, can I say sometimes one is reminded of what a very different country Canada is from the United States.

首先，我可以说有时会让人想起加拿大与美国是一个非常不同的国家。

As part of the manhunt for whoever built the tunnel, a policeman tweeted, "If you built a tunnel near the Rexall Center in Toronto, give us a call, OK?" The Toronto Police pointed out that it is not illegal to dig a hole.

作为追捕隧道修建者的一部分，一名警察在推特上写道：“如果你在多伦多雷克索尔中心附近修建了隧道，请给我们打电话，好吗？”多伦多警方指出，挖洞并不违法。

Apparently, no law was broken.

显然，没有违反任何法律。

From the start, they said they saw no evidence of terrorism, and they did not want to jump to conclusions.

从一开始，他们就表示没有看到恐怖主义的证据，也不想仓促下结论。

For instance, here's a exchange between then-Toronto Deputy Chief Mark Saunders and reporters after he showed them a photo of that rosary and plastic poppy.

例如，这是时任多伦多副市长马克·桑德斯在向记者展示念珠和塑料罂粟花的照片后与记者之间的交流。

This was found inside the actual tunnel itself, and it was nailed on the wall.

这是在实际的隧道内部发现的，并被钉在墙上。

What does that tell you?

这告诉你什么？

Mark Saunders That tells me that this was nailed inside the tunnel on a wall.

马克·桑德斯告诉我，这是钉在隧道内墙上的。

The police basically went on TV and showed pictures of the stuff that they found in the tunnel-- a ladder and the generator and the sump pump.

警察基本上在电视上展示了他们在隧道中发现的东西的照片——梯子、发电机和污水泵。

And they asked public, this jog anybody's memory?

他们询问公众，这次慢跑有人记得吗？

Anybody know anything about this stuff?

有人知道这件事吗？

And that turned out to be exactly the right move, because watching that coverage was a guy named Boko Marich.

事实证明，这是完全正确的举动，因为观看该报道的是一个名叫博科·马里奇的人。

He sees that ladder--

他看到那个梯子——

And I said to myself, they look exactly like my stepladder, and I bet you any money this is mine.

我对自己说，它们看起来和我的梯子一模一样，我敢跟你打赌，这是我的。

And then, when I saw sump pump, I said, oh, ho, ho, my stepladder and sump pump.

然后，当我看到污水泵时，我说，哦，嗬，嗬，我的梯子和污水泵。

But I couldn't believe-- I couldn't believe-- I couldn't believe myself.

但我无法相信——我无法相信——我无法相信自己。

I couldn't sleep.

我无法入睡。

I was thinking about that.

我正在考虑这个。

He couldn't sleep because he knew who'd he given the stuff to.

他无法入睡，因为他知道他把这些东西给了谁。

Bob is a contractor.

鲍勃是一名承包商。

And he lent that stuff to one of his favorite employees, this young guy, just 22, Elton.

他把这些东西借给了他最喜欢的员工之一，这个年轻人，才 22 岁，埃尔顿。

What was Elton doing?

埃尔顿在做什么？

And come to think of it, Elton had been asking to borrow a lot of tools lately.

想想看，埃尔顿最近一直在要求借用很多工具。

He was asking me or shovel, for pick, for another shovel, and other tools, so many tools.

他向我要铲子，要镐，要另一把铲子，还有其他工具，很多工具。

I just would say, OK, if you need, take.

我只是想说，好吧，如果你需要的话，就拿吧。

Boko loves Elton.

博科喜欢埃尔顿。

He loves that Elton's a great worker.

他喜欢埃尔顿是一位出色的工人。

He loves that, unlike other young people Bob's worked with in the past, apparently, Elton always wants to learn, asks lots of questions.

他喜欢这一点，与鲍勃过去共事过的其他年轻人不同，埃尔顿显然总是想学习，问很多问题。

What do you do when you do the roof?

当你做屋顶的时候你会做什么？

How you connect this?

你如何连接这个？

How you put joist hangers?

托梁吊架如何放置？

What is distance between in that?

其中的距离是多少？

Can I do this instead of that?

我可以做这个而不是那个吗？

Is this going to carry this support?

这会带来这种支持吗？

Unbelievable.

难以置信。

You know?

你知道吗？

And I joked with everybody-- if everybody asks me, who's that guy?

我和每个人开玩笑——如果每个人都问我，那个人是谁？

This is my adopted son, Elton.

这是我的养子埃尔顿。

Always, I used to tell, this is my adopted son.

我总是说，这是我的养子。

OK.

好的。

So I would lend him any tools he wanted.

所以我会借给他任何他想要的工具。

So the morning after he sees the police pointing to a photo of his ladder and sump pump on television, he goes to pick up Elton to bring it to work, like always.

因此，第二天早上，当他看到警察在电视上指着他的梯子和污水泵的照片后，他像往常一样去接埃尔顿，把它带到上班的地方。

Elton gets in the truck.

埃尔顿上了卡车。

He brought two coffees, for me and him.

他给我和他带来了两杯咖啡。

And I said, Elton, tell me one thing.

我说，埃尔顿，告诉我一件事。

That sump pump-- I didn't even ask full question.

那个污水泵——我什至没有问完整的问题。

He said, Boko, yes, I did.

他说，博科，是的，我做到了。

Oh my god.

天哪。

Boko went to the authorities and made sure that Elton would not get arrested or go to prison for this.

博科向当局求助，确保埃尔顿不会因此被捕或入狱。

And then he turned him in.

然后他把他告了出来。

The police talked to Elton, satisfied themselves that Elton was not a terrorist or an evil criminal mastermind, but just some guy.

警察与埃尔顿交谈，确信埃尔顿不是恐怖分子或邪恶的犯罪主谋，而只是一个普通人。

And they let him go.

他们让他走了。

They didn't even give him a fine.

他们甚至没有给他罚款。

Though they did suggest that he not dig more tunnels.

尽管他们确实建议他不要挖掘更多隧道。

Canada.

加拿大。

So who is Elton?

那么埃尔顿是谁？

Why did he do it?

他为什么这么做？

Why go to the trouble?

何必自寻烦恼呢？

Well, Elton has not given many interviews.

嗯，埃尔顿没有接受过很多采访。

Though he did allow one reporter named Nick Kohler to spend a couple days with him and his family to write this long story about them in MacLean's Magazine.

不过，他确实允许一位名叫尼克·科勒的记者与他和他的家人一起度过几天，在《麦克莱恩杂志》上写下这篇关于他们的长篇故事。

And Nick was able to tell us a lot about Elton.

尼克能够告诉我们很多关于埃尔顿的事情。

Elton turned down our request for an interview.

埃尔顿拒绝了我们的采访请求。

Elton lives maybe two minutes from the ravine and woods where the tunnel was found, in a kind of rough neighborhood in public housing.

埃尔顿住在距离发现隧道的峡谷和树林大约两分钟路程的公共住房的一个简陋社区。

Nick says both of his parents are from Jamaica.

尼克说他的父母都来自牙买加。

He lives with two sisters, an older sister and a younger sister.

他与两个姐妹住在一起，一个姐姐和一个妹妹。

And they all live with their mother.

他们都和母亲住在一起。

Elton's the quiet kid in the family.

埃尔顿是家里最安静的孩子。

Nick says everybody else is a big talker.

尼克说其他人都很健谈。

And I think in particular, his older sister, Anora, she has a lot of ideas about how Elton should be living his life.

我特别认为，他的姐姐阿诺拉（Anora）对于埃尔顿应该如何生活有很多想法。

And she's not shy about sharing that with him.

她并不羞于与他分享这一点。

She's a big fan of self-help books.

她非常喜欢自助书籍。

And so I think Elton is often in the position of listening to life talks, as they put it.

所以我认为埃尔顿经常处于倾听人生谈话的位置，正如他们所说的那样。

Advice.

建议。

Nick Kohler Advice.

尼克·科勒的建议。

And Elton found refuge ever since he was a kid in the ravine.

埃尔顿从小就在峡谷里找到了避难所。

In the ravine, there were no life talks.

在山沟里，没有任何人生的话题。

And from the time he was little, Elton was this introspective kid who loved to build, to take machines apart and put them back together.

从很小的时候起，埃尔顿就是一个内省的孩子，他喜欢建造，喜欢把机器拆开然后再组装起来。

He fixed up old lawn mowers.

他修理了旧割草机。

He built clubhouses.

他建造了俱乐部会所。

And like he said in a short interview the Nick recorded for a video that MacLean's Magazine made, he'd go to the ravine.

就像他在尼克为麦克林杂志制作的视频录制的简短采访中所说的那样，他会去峡谷。

OK.

好的。

What I used to do in the ravine when I was a kid is run around, play hide and go seek.

小时候，我在山沟里常做的事就是跑来跑去，玩捉迷藏。

We'd play apple war.

我们会玩苹果战争。

We would go fishing.

我们会去钓鱼。

But I started my first tunnel probably when I was in elementary school.

但我可能在上小学的时候就开始了我的第一条隧道。

I would just go in the creek, walk around.

我只是去小溪里走走。

And this was something on my mind.

这就是我的想法。

I wanted to build a clubhouse.

我想建一个会所。

I had five or six attempts.

我尝试过五六次。

And I think the sixth one was the huge tunnel that you guys found.

我认为第六个就是你们发现的巨大隧道。

I've heard him call it the future of clubhouses.

我听他称之为俱乐部会所的未来。

Again, here's Nick.

尼克又来了。

Nick Kohler The treehouse of the future.

尼克科勒未来的树屋。

That it's underground because one of the fundamental things he wanted from this was that it be secret.

它位于地下，因为他想要的基本目的之一就是它是秘密的。

It was his secret place that he could go and just relax and be alone.

这是他的秘密之地，他可以去放松、独处。

Though not always alone.

虽然并不总是孤身一人。

A friend helped Elton dig the tunnel and built it, excavating, he thinks, two dump trucks of dirt by hand.

一位朋友帮助埃尔顿挖掘并建造了隧道，他认为，用手挖掘了两辆自卸卡车的泥土。

And once it was done, they would go there together, watch movies, listen to music, barbecue.

一旦完成，他们就会一起去那里，看电影，听音乐，烧烤。

OK, I did this because something I always wanted to be doing.

好吧，我这样做是因为我一直想做的事情。

But I know I should have grown out of it.

但我知道我应该已经摆脱它了。

And I knew that, OK, if I build a tunnel, it came from childhood reasons.

我知道，好吧，如果我建造一条隧道，那是出于童年的原因。

But at the same time, if I build it, who knows?

但与此同时，如果我建造它，谁知道呢？

I could probably hang out there, turn that childhood dream into a man cave, a bunker, whatever you call it-- just a place to go hang out.

我可能会在那里闲逛，把童年的梦想变成一个男人的洞穴，一个掩体，无论你怎么称呼它——只是一个闲逛的地方。

And if there was something that happened, like a natural disaster, or if something were to happen, I could go there-- if there's a blackout-- turn on a generator, charge my phone, even make a small meal down there just to bring back up to my house.

如果发生了什么事情，比如自然灾害，或者如果发生什么事情，我可以去那里——如果停电的话——打开发电机，给我的手机充电，甚至在那里做一顿小饭，然后带回我家。

Back when Elton would go to the tunnel, his sisters did not know exactly what he was doing.

当埃尔顿去隧道时，他的姐妹们并不知道他到底在做什么。

But they knew something was up.

但他们知道出事了。

For months, while he was digging the thing, he would come home just covered in dirt, tracking dirt everywhere.

几个月来，当他挖掘这个东西时，他回到家时总是浑身是泥土，到处都是泥土。

Anora thought he was building some kind of underground house and grilled him about it.

阿诺拉以为他正在建造某种地下房屋，并为此盘问他。

But he wouldn't say.

但他不肯说。

His other sister, Tracyann, found the rosary actually sitting at a bus stop and gave it to Elton to protect him.

他的另一个妹妹特蕾西恩 (Tracyann) 发现这串念珠实际上就放在公交车站上，并将其交给埃尔顿以保护他。

As soon as she gave it to me, like an hour later, it was already down there.

她一给我，大约一个小时后，它就已经在下面了。

I nailed it up.

我把它钉牢了。

Every day after that day, every day where I would go there, I would sometimes make a prayer.

那天之后的每一天，我去那里的每一天，我有时都会祈祷。

Not every day-- some days I'd forget.

不是每天——有些日子我会忘记。

But sometimes I would remember to have a little prayer just so I'm safe.

但有时我会记得做一点祈祷，这样我就安全了。

And it's a peace of mind.

这是一种内心的平静。

Yeah.

是的。

The reality of Elton's tunnel, it was so different from what people thought it was when it was first discovered by police.

埃尔顿隧道的真实情况，与警方首次发现时人们想象的完全不同。

I think what that's about is, I think when we encounter something that's inexplicable or mysterious, our imaginations-- we are such hacks.

我认为这就是，我认为当我们遇到一些无法解释或神秘的事情时，我们的想象力——我们就是这样的黑客。

You know?

你知道吗？

We go to the most standard, stock, seen it in 100 TV shows version of what something probably is.

我们选择最标准的、库存的、在 100 个电视节目中看到过的东西的版本。

Like, oh, it's a terrorist attack.

就像，哦，这是一次恐怖袭击。

Oh, it's drug dealers.

噢，是毒贩。

You know?

你知道吗？

When the reality of what this tunnel was-- it was this dreamy guy who just wanted a place to get away from his sisters, be alone for a little while.

当这条隧道的现实是——这个梦想家只是想要一个远离他的姐妹的地方，一个人呆一会儿。

It's so much smaller but so much less predictable and way more interesting.

它小得多，但更难以预测，而且更有趣。

Credits Ira Glass Well, our program was produced today by Bim Adewunmi.

感谢 Ira Glass 嗯，我们今天的节目是由 Bim Adewunmi 制作的。

People who put our show together today include Susan Burton, Ben Calhoun, Dana Chivvis, Sean Cole, Hillary Elkins, Nora Gill, Damian Grave, Michelle Harris, Stowe Nelson, Katherine Rae Mondo, Ben Phelan, Nadia Reiman, Robyn Semien, Alissa Shipp, Lilly Sullivan, Christopher Swetala, Matt Tierney, and Julie Whitaker.

今天制作我们节目的人员包括 Susan Burton、Ben Calhoun、Dana Chivvis、Sean Cole、Hillary Elkins、Nora Gill、Damian Grave、Michelle Harris、Stowe Nelson、Katherine Rae Mondo、Ben Phelan、Nadia Reiman、Robyn Semien、Alissa Shipp、Lilly Sullivan、Christopher Swetala、Matt Tierney 和 Julie Whitaker。

Our managing editors, Diane Wu and Sarah Abdurrahman.

我们的执行编辑 Diane Wu 和 Sarah Abdurrahman。

Executive editor, David Kestenbaum.

执行主编，大卫·凯斯滕鲍姆。

Special thanks today to Eric Boodman, who first reported on the nurse Elise Barrett for the website Stat, Steve Kolowich, Dr. Christopher Murray and the Institute for Health Metrics and Evaluation, Any Moskovian, Jerel Calaguas, Brendan Geddes, Ava Schreier, and Katie Cederborg.

今天特别感谢埃里克·布德曼 (Eric Boodman)、史蒂夫·科洛维奇 (Steve Kolowich)、克里斯托弗·穆雷 (Christopher Murray) 博士和健康指标与评估研究所、Any Moskovian、Jerel Calaguas、Brendan Geddes、Ava Schreier 和 Katie Cederborg，他首先在 Stat 网站上报道了护士 Elise Barrett。

Our website, thisamericanlife.org While you're on lockdown or commuting to your essential job, you can listen to our archive of 700 episodes for absolutely free.

我们的网站 thisamericanlife.org 当您处于封锁状态或通勤上班时，您可以完全免费收听我们存档的 700 集节目。

thisamericanlife.org.

thisamericanlife.org。

This American Life is delivered to the public radio stations by PRX, the Public Radio Exchange.

《美国生活》由公共广播电台 PRX 向公共广播电台播出。

Thanks, as always, to our program's co-founder, Mr. Torey Malatia.

一如既往地感谢我们项目的联合创始人 Torey Malatia 先生。

You know the thing he likes to do most while in lockdown?

你知道他在封锁期间最喜欢做的事情是什么吗？

Play Monopoly.

玩大富翁。

But can I say, he is getting so competitive.

但我可以说，他变得如此有竞争力。

What is there to apologize for, honestly?

老实说，有什么可道歉的？

Yeah, I was an asshole.

是的，我是个混蛋。

Yeah, what I did was dishonest.

是的，我的所作所为是不诚实的。

Yeah, it was shady.

是的，当时很阴暗。

Yeah, it was insensitive.

是的，这是不敏感的。

But I would definitely do it again the exact same way.

但我肯定会以完全相同的方式再做一次。

I'm Ira Glass.

我是艾拉·格拉斯。

Back next week with more stories of This American Life.

下周我们将带来更多《美国生活》的故事。

This American Life is produced in collaboration with WBEZ Chicago and delivered to stations by PRX The Public Radio Exchange.

《This American Life》与 WBEZ Chicago 合作制作，并由 PRX 公共广播电台传送到各电台。