677: Seeing Yourself In the Wild - This American Life
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00:00 00:00 Transcript Share This American Life Life Partners How to Listen Episodes Recommended About Overview Staff Announcements Fellowships Jobs Music Make Radio On The Road FAQ Submissions Merch Contact Us Our Other Shows Merch Follow Us Life Partners Subscribe to our newsletter Full episode Toggle Audio and Transcript Sync Transcript | Episode #677 | June 14, 2019 677: Seeing Yourself In the Wild Note: This American Life is produced for the ear and designed to be heard.
00:00 00:00 文字记录 分享此 美国生活 生活伙伴 如何收听 剧集 推荐 关于 概述 员工公告 奖学金 工作 音乐 在路上制作电台 常见问题解答 提交 商品 联系我们 我们的其他节目 商品 关注我们 生活伙伴 订阅我们的时事通讯 整集 切换音频和文字记录同步 文字记录 | 内容第 677 集 | 2019 年 6 月 14 日 677：在野外看到自己 注：《美国生活》是为耳朵而制作的，旨在让人们听到。
If you are able, we strongly encourage you to listen to the audio, which includes emotion and emphasis that's not on the page.
如果可以的话，我们强烈建议您收听音频，其中包括页面上没有的情感和重点。
Transcripts are generated using a combination of speech recognition software and human transcribers, and may contain errors.
文字记录是使用语音识别软件和人工转录员结合生成的，可能包含错误。
Please check the corresponding audio before quoting in print.
请在印刷版引用前检查相应的音频。
Prologue: Prologue Sean Cole From WBEZ Chicago, it's This American Life.
序言：序言 来自 WBEZ 芝加哥的 Sean Cole，这就是《美国生活》。
I'm Sean Cole in for Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯的肖恩·科尔。
The first punch landed on sort of the lower back right side of my skull, behind my ear.
第一拳打在我头骨右下侧，耳朵后面。
That was the one that knocked me down.
就是那个人把我击倒了。
This was a couple summers ago.
这是几个夏天前的事了。
I'd been walking down this sort of abandoned industrial block in my neighborhood in Brooklyn.
我一直在布鲁克林附近的一个废弃工业街区里散步。
It was after midnight.
那是午夜过后。
There was a big group of kids-- teenagers, boys-- maybe 9 or 10 of them, coming the other way.
有一大群孩子——十几岁的孩子、男孩——大概有九个或十个，从另一条路过来。
I was on the sidewalk.
我当时在人行道上。
They were walking in the middle of the street, where the cars go.
他们走在马路中间，也就是汽车行驶的地方。
Also, I was on the phone with my friend, Sam, talking to him with my earbuds in.
另外，我正在和我的朋友 Sam 打电话，戴着耳机与他交谈。
So I just kept walking and talking, glancing over at the kids a couple of times.
所以我只是一边走一边说话，偶尔看了孩子们几眼。
And then I saw them see me.
然后我看到他们看到了我。
And they sort of stopped and said something to each other.
他们停下来互相说了些什么。
And then a few of them, casually-- like I wouldn't notice-- started walking in my direction.
然后他们中的一些人，漫不经心地——就像我不会注意到的——开始朝我的方向走去。
I don't know if taking off in a sprint was the best decision, or if you could even call it a decision.
我不知道冲刺起飞是否是最好的决定，或者你是否可以称其为决定。
A couple of the kids said, yeah!
几个孩子说，是啊！
There are a few things I remember about the next 30 seconds or so and a few things I don't.
在接下来的 30 秒左右的时间里，有些事情我记得，有些事情我不记得。
I remember looking down at my shoes and thinking, why can't I run any faster than this?
我记得我低头看着我的鞋子，心想，为什么我不能跑得比这更快呢？
Sam said, what's happening?
萨姆说，发生什么事了？
I said, I'm being chased.
我说，我被追了。
Who's chasing you, he said.
谁在追你，他说。
They're chasing me, I apparently said, which I don't remember.
他们在追我，我显然说过，但我不记得了。
I don't remember how I got off the ground after the first punch.
我不记得第一拳之后我是如何离开地面的。
I just know that a second later, I was running again and still getting punched in the head.
我只知道一秒钟后，我再次奔跑，但头部仍然受到重击。
Being punched in the head while running becomes withstandable remarkably quickly.
跑步时头部被拳打很快就变得可以承受。
After the second hit, my skull was like, if this is all that's going to happen, you can manage.
第二次打击后，我的头骨就像是，如果这就是将要发生的一切，你可以应付。
One kid way in the back, nowhere near me, yelled, give me your wallet, but laughing, like it was a joke.
一个孩子在后面，离我不远，大喊，把你的钱包给我，但笑着说，就像这是一个笑话。
They never tried to take anything.
他们从来没有试图夺取任何东西。
They easily could have.
他们很容易就能做到。
I've tried to come up with something to compare the experience of it to, but I've never felt anything else that intensely.
我试图想出一些东西来与它的体验进行比较，但我从未有过如此强烈的感受。
I've never felt as good in my life as how bad that was.
我一生中从来没有像那次经历那样感觉那么糟糕过。
I rounded the corner and saw a semi truck coming.
我转过拐角，看到一辆半挂卡车驶来。
It was the only moving vehicle around.
这是周围唯一移动的车辆。
I ran toward it with my arms straight up over my head.
我跑向它，双臂伸过头顶。
And when I looked back, the kids had vanished-- gone just like they'd never been there in the first place.
当我回头看时，孩子们已经消失了——就像他们从来没有出现过一样。
I slowed to a walk, which is when I noticed my earbuds were neatly spooled around my left ankle, like I'd done it on purpose.
我放慢了脚步，这时我注意到我的耳塞整齐地绕在我的左脚踝上，就像我故意这样做的一样。
One of them was smashed.
其中一个被砸碎了。
And when I lifted the other one up toward my face--
当我把另一只举到我面前时——
Sean, are you OK?
肖恩，你还好吗？
Sean.
肖恩.
Sean.
肖恩.
Sean, talk to me.
肖恩，跟我说话。
Sam was still on the phone.
萨姆还在打电话。
Sam Sean.
萨姆·肖恩.
Sean?
肖恩？
Yeah, I'm OK.
是的，我没事。
Sam Are you OK?
萨姆你还好吗？
What's up?
这是怎么回事？
What happened?
发生了什么？
I'm OK.
我可以。
I'm OK.
我可以。
I-- there was a gang of guys.
我——有一群人。
Can you hear me?
你能听到我吗？
Sam So tell me what happened.
苏山姆告诉我发生了什么事。
I'm recording the call.
我正在录音。
This recording is the whole reason I'm telling you about this.
这段录音就是我告诉你这件事的全部原因。
When he realized something was wrong, Sam had taken the phone away from his ear and opened up this recording app, in case I needed some kind of evidence or something later.
当他意识到出了问题时，萨姆把手机从耳边拿开，打开了这个录音应用程序，以防我以后需要某种证据或其他东西。
He's extremely organized that way.
他在这方面非常有组织性。
And I'm really glad he did it.
我真的很高兴他做到了。
For one thing, I have this bizarrely candid portrait of myself now, in the moment exactly after one of the worst things that's ever happened to me.
一方面，在我经历过的最糟糕的事情之一发生之后的那一刻，我现在对自己有一幅奇怪而坦率的肖像。
It took a while for me to be able to listen to it.
我花了一段时间才能够听到它。
But I mean, there was a lot of them.
但我的意思是，他们有很多。
There was like a lot of guys.
那里有很多人。
I'm used to hearing my voice recorded and controlling the way I sound, like the way I'm talking to you right now.
我习惯于听到自己录制的声音并控制自己发声的方式，就像我现在和你说话的方式一样。
Do you want to-- Sean Cole There were a lot of guys.
你想吗——肖恩·科尔（Sean Cole） 有很多人。
But this was like some unbidden child creature, bubbling up from my throat.
但这就像某种不请自来的孩子一样，从我的喉咙里冒出来。
When I listen to it, it's like I've finally taken some mask off that I didn't know I was wearing.
当我听它的时候，就像我终于摘下了一些我不知道自己戴着的面具。
And they kept hitting me on the head, and then I fell.
他们不断地打我的头，然后我就摔倒了。
And I scraped myself up a bit, but I'm OK.
我把自己弄伤了一点，但我还好。
They didn't get anything.
他们什么也没得到。
What did they hit you with?
他们用什么打你？
Sean Cole I think just their hands.
肖恩·科尔 我认为只是他们的手。
Oh god.
天啊。
Sean Cole God, that was scary.
肖恩·科尔 天哪，太可怕了。
Jesus fucking Christ, that was scary.
天哪，太可怕了。
But you're all right?
但你还好吗？
Sean Cole Jesus.
肖恩·科尔 天哪。
No, I'm fine.
不，我很好。
I'm OK.
我可以。
Take some deep breaths, Sean.
深呼吸一下，肖恩。
You're really going to hyperventilate.
你真的会过度换气。
And this is another thing-- this kind of incantation I keep repeating of, I'm fine, I'm fine.
这是另一回事——我不断重复这种咒语，我很好，我很好。
Instead of telling Sam what did happen, I spend most of the call focusing on how bad it could have been.
我没有告诉萨姆到底发生了什么，而是在通话的大部分时间里都在思考事情可能有多糟糕。
It's like I'm clinging to a buoy in the ocean after a shipwreck.
这就像海难后我紧紧抓住海洋中的浮标一样。
Jesus.
耶稣。
Sean Cole It could have been a lot worse.
肖恩·科尔 情况可能会更糟。
I lost my glasses.
我把眼镜弄丢了。
Oh no. Sean Cole But it's OK.
哦不。肖恩·科尔 但没关系。
I mean, I'm fine.
我的意思是，我很好。
I'm OK.
我可以。
I'm OK.
我可以。
It could have been way worse.
情况可能会更糟。
I'm actually fine.
我其实很好。
I'm actually fine.
我其实很好。
I never say things could be worse.
我从来没有说过事情可能会更糟。
Almost every other time in my life has been better than this one.
我一生中几乎每一次都比这一次更好。
And yet most of the time, I just brood about what's going wrong or what I wish I'd done differently.
但大多数时候，我只是思考出了什么问题，或者我希望自己能采取不同的做法。
But here, I was clearly just paving over all the broken glass of what happened to me immediately, counting my blessings in a way I'm never usually able to.
但在这里，我显然只是在铺平立即发生在我身上的所有碎玻璃，以一种我通常无法做到的方式计算我的祝福。
And of course, it could have been way worse.
当然，情况可能会更糟。
Truly catastrophic things happen to people all over the world every day.
真正灾难性的事情每天都发生在世界各地的人们身上。
I remember talking to Sam for 45 minutes.
我记得和 Sam 聊了 45 分钟。
It was actually about 12 minutes, which I couldn't believe.
实际上大约有12分钟，我简直不敢相信。
I was like, where's the rest of it?
我当时想，剩下的在哪里？
By minute six, six minutes after the attack, we're already starting to laugh about stuff.
袭击发生后第六分钟、六分钟，我们已经开始大笑了。
I told him that I had been heading down to my car to get a pack of cigarettes.
我告诉他我正要下车去买一包香烟。
And he says, yeah, well, I guess it'll kill you.
他说，是的，好吧，我想这会杀了你。
It's good to know we were able to talk about it like that so quickly.
很高兴知道我们能够这么快地谈论它。
It makes a lot of bad things seem more survivable.
它让很多坏事看起来更容易生存。
We spend so much time trying to control how we're seen by other people.
我们花了很多时间试图控制别人如何看待我们。
But sometimes we can catch an unexpected glimpse of ourselves that we haven't manicured and that has way more information in it about how we actually are.
但有时我们可以意外地瞥见我们自己，但我们还没有修剪过，里面有更多关于我们实际情况的信息。
It might not be the funnest thing to witness, but at least we know.
这可能不是最有趣的事情，但至少我们知道。
In today's show, we got two stories in which that happens-- two different people seeing themselves in the wild and what it confirms, or doesn't, about who they think they are.
在今天的节目中，我们看到了两个发生这种情况的故事——两个不同的人在野外看到自己，以及这证实或不证实他们认为自己是谁。
Stay with us.
留在我们身边。
Jesus.
耶稣。
And that was something.
这就是事实。
That'll wake you up, won't it?
这会让你醒来，不是吗？
Jesus.
耶稣。
Act I.
第一幕。
You don't have to be a star to be in my show.
你不必成为明星才能参加我的节目。
I want to tell you about my friend Zack's first big break-- Zack McDermott.
我想告诉你我的朋友扎克的第一个重大突破——扎克·麦克德莫特。
We're pretty different people.
我们是完全不同的人。
Zack's from Wichita, and he has this kind of macho Kansan self certainty about him on the surface.
扎克来自威奇托，他表面上有一种堪萨斯州男子气概的自信。
I do an impression of him that I finally broke out when we were hanging with each other a couple of months ago.
我对他的印象是几个月前我们在一起时终于爆发的。
You know, I'm a writer.
你知道，我是一名作家。
I wasn't able to get gussied up for you.
我没能为你打扮得漂漂亮亮的。
I wasn't expecting you to be looking at my hair like that.
我没想到你会这样看着我的头发。
That was pretty good.
那是相当不错了。
That flatters me a great deal.
这让我很受宠若惊。
Why?
为什么？
Zack McDermott I don't think you usually do impressions of people, unless you kind of really like them or don't like them at all.
扎克·麦克德莫特 我认为你通常不会对别人产生印象，除非你真的喜欢他们或者根本不喜欢他们。
And I feel like you more super like me than super don't.
我觉得你超级喜欢我，而不是超级不喜欢我。
I super like you.
我超级喜欢你。
Zack is this singular combination of things I really haven't encountered before.
扎克是我以前从未遇到过的事物的独特组合。
As well as being swaggery, he can also be awkward and vulnerable.
除了趾高气扬之外，他也可能显得笨拙和脆弱。
He's conspicuously caring for the people he cares about.
他非常关心他关心的人。
After my assault, he made me promise I'd call him in the middle of the night if I needed to.
在我遭到袭击后，他让我保证如果需要的话我会在半夜给他打电话。
He spent about seven years working as a public defender for the Legal Aid Society of New York, sometimes juggling more than 60 cases, righteously indignant about the court system.
他在纽约法律援助协会担任公设辩护律师约七年，有时处理 60 多个案件，对法院系统感到义愤填膺。
He's always giving advice, but he also needs to be reassured a lot.
他总是给出建议，但他也需要很多安慰。
And he really likes other people's attention.
而且他真的很喜欢别人的关注。
He's always watching himself, in ways both literal and not, which, anyway, brings me to the story of the big break.
他总是在观察自己，无论是字面意义上的还是非意义上的，无论如何，这让我想起了这个重大突破的故事。
See, about 10 years ago, when he was still a public defender, Zack was also trying to make it as a comedian, grinding away, sometimes doing four or five open mics a night.
大约十年前，当扎克还是一名公共辩护人时，他也在努力成为一名喜剧演员，努力工作，有时每晚要表演四到五个开放式麦克风。
His act was pretty intense back then.
当时他的动作相当激烈。
He had a mohawk, and Frank Zappa mustache, and jazz patch.
他留着莫霍克发型，留着弗兰克·扎帕的小胡子，还戴着爵士补丁。
One time, he came out onstage, just shouting lyrics from the rapper, Gucci Mane.
有一次，他走上舞台，大声喊着说唱歌手古奇·马内 (Gucci Mane) 的歌词。
[RAPPING] Sean Cole He'd usually record his set, just with a little video camera or phone.
[RAPPING] Sean Cole 他通常会用一个小摄像机或手机来录制他的节目。
And he also had this friend who was always egging him on, sort of repping him in a way.
他还有一个朋友，总是怂恿他，在某种程度上代表他。
Zack always refers to him just as the producer.
扎克总是称他为制片人。
He doesn't want me to say who the guy is, but he's famous adjacent-- ran with a really heavy crowd.
他不想让我说出这个人是谁，但他在附近很有名——和一大群人一起跑步。
And apparently, he had big dreams for Zack's future.
显然，他对扎克的未来抱有远大的梦想。
It was like, oh, yeah, don't worry.
就像，哦，是的，别担心。
I know Hova.
我认识霍瓦。
Don't worry, I know Jimmy Fallon.
别担心，我认识吉米·法伦。
Don't worry, I know--
别担心，我知道——
Hova is Jay-Z.
Hova 是 Jay-Z。
Zack McDermott Yeah.
扎克·麦克德莫特 是的。
You know?
你知道？
Meeting all these people with him and him telling me, like, you're my project, man.
与他会面所有这些人，他告诉我，就像，你是我的项目，伙计。
I'm putting everything behind you.
我把一切都抛在你身后。
I'm willing to put all my money behind you.
我愿意把我所有的钱都放在你身后。
I'm willing to put all my connects behind you.
我愿意把我所有的人脉都抛在你身后。
You're next, you know?
下一个就是你，知道吗？
Trust me.
相信我。
When I push the button, it's going to go fast.
当我按下按钮时，速度会很快。
They worked on a pilot for a TV show together, held a casting call for the role of Zack's girlfriend, collected headshots, did screen tests-- the whole thing.
他们一起制作电视节目的试播集，为扎克的女朋友的角色进行选角，收集头像，进行屏幕测试——所有这一切。
And then, in the fall of 2009, Zack found himself walking out of his apartment building and onto the set of a TV pilot in which he was the star.
然后，在 2009 年秋天，扎克发现自己走出了他的公寓楼，来到了他主演的电视试播集的片场。
Everything just looked perfect, like a Coke commercial.
一切看起来都很完美，就像可口可乐的广告一样。
It was a gorgeous day.
这是美好的一天。
It was a fall day in New York-- sunny.
那是纽约的一个秋日——阳光明媚。
There was a realistic amount of people on the street, but not so many that the scene is going to look like rush hour.
街上确实有很多人，但没有那么多，以至于场景看起来像是高峰时段。
Because it wasn't.
因为事实并非如此。
It was the middle of the day.
当时是中午。
It should look like the middle of the day.
看起来应该是中午。
And everyone is also just a little too attractive.
而且每个人都太有吸引力了一点。
I don't have audio of this because it was never actually recorded.
我没有这方面的音频，因为它从未被实际录制过。
Because it wasn't a TV pilot.
因为这不是电视试播集。
Those people on the street weren't actors.
街上的那些人不是演员。
This wasn't Zack's first big break into show business.
这并不是扎克第一次大举进军演艺界。
It was his first big psychotic break, like the part of his brain that wanted to be in the spotlight all the time had suddenly exploded.
这是他第一次精神上的重大突破，就像他大脑中想要一直处于聚光灯下的部分突然爆炸了。
Zack was experiencing a type of delusion that we've talked about a little bit on the show before.
扎克正在经历一种我们之前在节目中讨论过的错觉。
It's called the Truman Show delusion-- not incredibly common, but not as rare as you might think either.
这被称为“杜鲁门秀”错觉——并不常见，但也不像你想象的那么罕见。
Sufferers of Truman Show delusion basically think they're being filmed all the time by hidden cameras, just like the Jim Carrey character in the movie The Truman Show.
杜鲁门的世界妄想症患者基本上认为他们一直被隐藏的摄像机拍摄，就像电影《杜鲁门的世界》中的金凯瑞角色一样。
In the weeks leading up to the break, Zack had been showing signs of this oncoming split with reality-- little harbingers and then bigger ones.
在分手前的几周里，扎克一直表现出与现实即将到来的分裂的迹象——先是小预兆，然后是更大的预兆。
He'd been growing more and more manic, sleeping less and less.
他变得越来越狂躁，睡得越来越少。
I had some friends and family start to be concerned about me.
我的一些朋友和家人开始担心我。
And I kind of just brushed it all off.
我只是把这一切都抛在脑后。
You don't understand what's going on in my brain.
你不明白我脑子里在想什么。
You don't understand how to write comedy.
你不明白如何写喜剧。
You don't understand how to do comedy.
你不明白如何演喜剧。
You don't understand how to do comedy after you're a lawyer all day.
当了一天律师之后你就不懂怎么拍喜剧了。
You don't understand how to write a joke.
你不明白如何写一个笑话。
Look, it's a mathematical equation.
看，这是一个数学方程。
Let me show you.
让我告诉你。
This is a premise.
这是一个前提。
This is why this is funny.
这就是为什么这很有趣。
This is why that's not funny.
这就是为什么这不好笑。
That's your inner monologue.
这就是你的内心独白。
Zack McDermott You don't understand-- and outer monologue.
扎克·麦克德莫特：你不明白——还有外在的独白。
Even the producer was concerned.
就连制片人也很担心。
He told Zack he had to go see a doctor if they were going to keep working together.
他告诉扎克，如果他们要继续合作，他就必须去看医生。
And yet, when Zack walked out of his apartment building onto the street that day, he was sure the producer had staged everything just for him.
然而，那天，当扎克走出他的公寓楼走到街上时，他确信制片人已经为他安排了一切。
And Zack was ready to perform, thinking of himself as some hybrid of Ali G and Johnny Knoxville.
扎克已经准备好表演了，他认为自己是阿里·G 和约翰尼·诺克斯维尔的混合体。
I'm thinking my friend, the brilliant producer, had decided, you know what?
我想我的朋友，杰出的制片人，已经决定了，你知道吗？
Zack's not really an actor.
扎克并不是真正的演员。
He's not going to know how to act.
他不会知道如何行动。
I'm just going to throw him in somewhere.
我只是想把他扔到某个地方。
He'll eventually get what he's supposed to be doing and he'll just kind of like, basically method act himself.
他最终会得到他应该做的事情，他会基本上按照自己的方式行事。
He could probably do that.
他或许可以做到。
You know?
你知道？
So, I go to Tompkins Square Park.
所以，我去了汤普金斯广场公园。
Soon as I'm in there, I spot generic old man on park bench.
我一进去，就发现公园的长椅上坐着一个普通的老人。
That's what it would say if he was in the credits.
如果他出现在片尾字幕中的话，就会这么说。
Yes, and he had a bike.
是的，他有一辆自行车。
And he was too old to have a bike.
而且他已经太老了，没有自行车了。
Another tell that the entire neighborhood had been cordoned off to showcase Zack's comedic talents.
另一种说法是，为了展示扎克的喜剧天赋，整个社区都被封锁了。
Zack thought it would be funny if he grabbed generic old man's bike and did a couple laps around the park with it.
扎克认为，如果他抓起普通老人的自行车并绕着公园绕几圈，那会很有趣。
Generic old man did not take kindly to Zack trying to grab his bike away.
普通老人对扎克试图抢走他的自行车并不友善。
Zack relented.
扎克态度软化了。
It was surely a sign from the producer.
这肯定是制片人发出的信号。
Keep things moving.
让事情继续发展。
So Zack takes off in a sprint toward the middle of the park and vaults over the wall of this big doggy playpen.
于是扎克向公园中央发起冲刺，并跳过了这个大狗狗围栏的墙壁。
I get down, like, on all fours myself.
我自己趴下来。
And I gallop with the pack.
我和狼群一起驰骋。
Running toward the end of the fence, I jump out the other side.
我跑向栅栏的尽头，从另一边跳了出去。
And I'm like, all right, cool.
我觉得，好吧，很酷。
Whatever that was worth, I did it.
不管那件事有价值，我都做了。
You know?
你知道？
That was funny, maybe.
也许这很有趣。
Zack McDermott Yeah, that was funny maybe.
扎克·麦克德莫特 是的，这也许很有趣。
Who knows?
谁知道？
And I also was thinking that the pedestrians were extras, doubling as production assistants.
我还以为行人是临时演员，兼任制作助理。
And I'm supposed to follow them, follow the foot traffic that will take you where you need to go.
我应该跟随他们，跟随人流，将你带到你需要去的地方。
No one's coming up to me with a clipboard and a shot list or anything, right?
没有人会拿着剪贴板和镜头列表之类的东西来找我，对吧？
So they're then phoning ahead to the producer or whatever production unit, saying, OK, he's on First Avenue.
因此，他们会提前打电话给制片人或任何制作单位，说，好吧，他在第一大道。
He's almost to Houston.
他快到休斯顿了。
And like, OK, we'll make him go west then.
就像，好吧，我们会让他向西走。
Whenever Zack tells this story, he has a whole menu of deranged things he did that day to talk about-- running around the soccer field with his shorts pulled down while a game is going on, ordering champagne on a hotel patio and proceeding to yell at the cameras in the trees.
每当扎克讲述这个故事时，他都会谈论自己那天所做的一整套疯狂的事情——比赛进行时拉下短裤在足球场上跑来跑去，在酒店的露台上点香槟，然后对着树上的摄像机大喊大叫。
As Zack remembers it-- and Zack's memory is all we have to go on-- this television non-debut lasted for about 10 hours-- a 10 hour narcissism variety show arranged for him to give the performance of his life.
正如扎克所记得的那样——扎克的记忆就是我们所要继续的——这场电视非首次亮相持续了大约10个小时——一个10小时的自恋综艺节目为他安排了他一生的表演。
I sprinted across the intersection of-- I think it was Houston and First Avenue.
我冲过十字路口——我想那是休斯顿和第一大道。
While cars were moving?
当汽车行驶时？
Zack McDermott Oh, yeah.
扎克·麦克德莫特 噢，是的。
That's incredibly dangerous.
这是非常危险的。
Zack McDermott Not if it's professional drivers on a closed course.
扎克·麦克德莫特（Zack McDermott）：如果是在封闭赛道上的职业车手，则不然。
At its height, everything he did was the right thing to be doing.
在巅峰时期，他所做的一切都是正确的。
He was a master of improvisation, following all the cues perfectly.
他是即兴创作的大师，完美地遵循所有线索。
And then he started getting tired and then exhausted.
然后他开始感到疲倦，然后精疲力尽。
Everything was still a clue, but he wasn't sure what any of it meant anymore.
一切仍然是线索，但他已经不确定这意味着什么了。
Somewhere along the way, he lost his shirt and also his shoes.
在途中的某个地方，他丢了衬衫和鞋子。
And the next thing he knew, he was standing on a Brooklyn subway platform, hands behind his head like a captured soldier, crying so hard, he flushed his contacts out of his eyes.
接下来他就知道，他站在布鲁克林的一个地铁站台上，双手抱在脑后，就像一个被俘的士兵，哭得很厉害，他把隐形眼镜从眼睛里冲了出来。
All he wanted was for someone to yell, cut, thinking to himself--
他想要的只是有人大喊大叫、剪断、自言自语——
OK, fine, you've got your shots.
好吧，好吧，你已经得到了你的镜头。
Can't you see that I'm bawling?
你没看到我在哭吗？
Can't you see that I'm here suffering?
难道你没看到我在这里受苦吗？
Can't you see that I'm done?
你没看到我已经完成了吗？
Like, come out, come out, wherever you are, Mr. Producer.
就像，出来吧，出来吧，无论你在哪里，制片人先生。
So I'm crying.
所以我哭了。
And I just scream, what do you want from me?
我只是尖叫，你想从我这里得到什么？
Two cops come up.
两个警察走了过来。
Their uniforms look real-- super real.
他们的制服看起来很真实——超级真实。
The next thing I recall with any clarity is being in the back of an ambulance.
我清楚地记得的下一件事是坐在救护车的后座上。
Huh.
呵呵。
Zack McDermott And eventually, I hear a radio crack on.
扎克·麦克德莫特 最终，我听到收音机响起。
It's like, psh.
就像，噗。
Intake available at Bellevue Psych Ward.
贝尔维尤精神病房可就诊。
Zack was eventually diagnosed with bipolar disorder type I, which can involve psychosis sometimes.
扎克最终被诊断出患有 I 型双相情感障碍，有时可能涉及精神病。
In Zack's case, lack of sleep and daily pot smoking might have triggered the episode.
在扎克的例子中，睡眠不足和每天吸大麻可能引发了这一事件。
At Bellevue, he says they dosed him up with antipsychotics.
他说在贝尔维尤，他们给他服用了抗精神病药物。
At times, he could barely lift his chin off of his chest.
有时，他几乎无法将下巴抬离胸口。
He drooled a lot.
他流了很多口水。
He couldn't go outside.
他不能出去。
Zack's only experience with psych wards before this was as a public defender, representing EDPs, or emotionally disturbed people.
在此之前，扎克在精神病院的唯一经历是担任公共辩护人，代表 EDP 或情绪失常的人。
And now he was one.
现在他就是其中之一。
The delusion that he was on TV lasted in one form or another for the next 10 days.
在接下来的十天里，他出现在电视上的错觉以这样或那样的形式持续着。
When he saw his mother, Cindy, coming down the hall on day two, he wasn't sure at first if it was her or an actor in prosthetics.
第二天，当他看到母亲辛迪从大厅走来时，他一开始不确定那是她还是假肢演员。
He calls her bird because of the way she snaps her head back and forth sometimes.
他称她为鸟，因为她有时会前后摇头。
The bird is here, she told him.
她告诉他，那只鸟在这里。
The bird can't be here, he said.
那只鸟不可能在这里，他说。
The bird lives in Wichita.
这只鸟住在威奇托。
She said, the bird got on a plane.
她说，那只鸟上了飞机。
It took more than a year and a couple more episodes like this before he got stable.
花了一年多的时间，又发生了几集这样的事情，他才稳定下来。
Along the way, he figured out a few things.
一路走来，他明白了一些事情。
He had to be good about taking his meds, and sleep was key.
他必须按时服药，而睡眠是关键。
He couldn't burn the candle at all ends, like he had been, going on stage all the time.
他不能像以前那样一直上台表演。
So he stopped, for the most part.
所以他大部分时间都停了下来。
He kept working his day job as a lawyer.
他继续从事律师的日常工作。
They say you have to be at least a little crazy to be a comedian.
他们说要成为一名喜剧演员，你至少得有点疯狂。
But it's also possible to be so crazy that you can't be a comedian.
但也有可能因为太疯狂而无法成为一名喜剧演员。
Zack has told the story of the psychotic break countless times at this point.
扎克已经无数次讲述过关于这一点的精神病发作的故事。
It's a good romp, and he's got it down-- all the different parts.
这是一个很好的嬉戏，他已经把它记下来了——所有不同的部分。
He tells it entertainingly.
他讲得很有趣。
But while it's one thing to recount something like that from memory, it's another thing if someone catches it on video.
但是，虽然凭记忆讲述类似的事情是一回事，但如果有人在视频中捕捉到它，那就是另一回事了。
You can actually see yourself in psychosis.
你实际上可以看到自己处于精神病状态。
I say this because after Zack got better and thought he was totally out of the woods, sanity wise, he did have another psychotic break.
我这么说是因为扎克康复后，他认为自己完全摆脱了困境，神智清醒，但他确实又出现了一次精神崩溃。
And it was captured on video.
它被视频捕捉到了。
And for the first time in his life, sane Zack would be able to see himself in the midst of Truman Show delusion.
理智的扎克有生以来第一次能够看到自己处于杜鲁门秀的幻觉之中。
Do you need to call the cops, or is he OK?
你需要报警吗？或者他还好吗？
Actually, let me-- sorry, I'm just going to stop that and explain what happened.
事实上，让我——抱歉，我只是要停止并解释发生了什么。
So after a while, Zack quit lawyering and decided to try to make it as a writer.
所以过了一段时间，扎克辞去了律师职务，决定尝试成为一名作家。
He wrote a book about that first psychotic break and his disorder, called Gorilla and the Bird.
他写了一本关于第一次精神病发作和他的疾病的书，书名叫《大猩猩和鸟》。
Gorilla is Zack's nickname because he's really hairy and barrel chested.
大猩猩是扎克的昵称，因为他毛茸茸的，胸肌发达。
Again, the bird is his mom.
再说一次，那只鸟是他的妈妈。
It was optioned for a TV series before it even came out.
它甚至在播出之前就被选为电视剧。
HBO is planning to run it.
HBO 正计划运营它。
The director Jean-Marc Vallée, who did Big Little Lies and Sharp Objects, is on board.
曾执导过《大小谎言》和《利器》的导演让-马克·瓦莱 (Jean-Marc Vallée) 也加入了该团队。
Zack and I have had entire conversations about who might play him on the TV show about the time he thought he was on a TV show and wasn't.
扎克和我就谁可能在电视节目中扮演他进行了完整的对话，关于他认为自己在电视节目中但没有出现的时间。
In fact, his therapist said to him-- sort of joking, but sort of not-- you know, you might end up playing yourself on that show.
事实上，他的治疗师对他说——有点开玩笑，但又不是——你知道，你最终可能会在那个节目中扮演自己。
To which Zack basically responded, yeah, I think they might want to go with one of these A-list celebrities they're considering.
扎克对此的回答基本上是，是的，我认为他们可能想与他们正在考虑的这些一线名人之一一起去。
And then, Zack was trying to figure out ways to promote his book.
然后，扎克试图找出推广他的书的方法。
And of course, these days, a lot of authors make videos when their books come out.
当然，如今，许多作者在他们的书出版时都会制作视频。
And so Zack hired a production crew to shoot footage for-- he wasn't sure what.
因此扎克雇佣了一个制作团队来拍摄镜头——他不确定是为了什么。
A promotional video, but if it was any good, maybe they'd do a bigger documentary.
一个宣传视频，但如果有什么好处，也许他们会制作一部更大的纪录片。
He wanted to take them back home with him to Wichita to interview some of the people that he'd written about in his memoir, meaning his family, and have the crew follow him around his hometown for a week, just rolling on everything, documentary style.
他想带他们一起回到威奇托的家，采访他在回忆录中写到的一些人，即他的家人，并让工作人员跟随他在他的家乡一周，以纪录片的方式滚动一切。
The crew consisted of two professional cameramen and a very seasoned TV producer that Zack happened to be friends with.
剧组由两名专业摄影师和一名经验丰富的电视制片人组成，扎克恰好是他的朋友。
He'd been around the cameras a bunch before this, by the way.
顺便说一句，在此之前他已经多次出现在镜头前了。
And it didn't trigger his disorder.
这并没有引发他的紊乱。
So the morning the delusion really hit, Zack hadn't met up with the film crew yet.
所以，在幻觉真正出现的那天早上，扎克还没有和摄制组见面。
They were actually wondering where he was.
他们实际上想知道他在哪里。
He was supposed to call.
他本来应该打电话的。
Instead, he was driving around Wichita by himself in his grandfather's pickup.
相反，他独自开着祖父的皮卡在威奇托周围行驶。
He was fighting serious back pain.
他正在与严重的背痛作斗争。
And he had barely slept in three days.
而且三天来他几乎没有睡觉。
Again, sleeplessness is a huge trigger for his episodes.
再次，失眠是他发作的一个重要诱因。
In the book, he writes, "The solution to mania is so simple, yet so hard to come by.
他在书中写道：“解决躁狂症的方法如此简单，但却很难实现。
Just sleep." And the thing his therapist said came back to him-- that Jean-Marc Vallée might want him to play himself on the TV show.
睡吧。”他想起了治疗师所说的话——让-马克·瓦莱可能希望他在电视节目中扮演自己。
I came to believe that, oh my god, maybe my therapist was contacted by whoever.
我开始相信，天哪，也许有人联系了我的治疗师。
And maybe I really am auditioning for myself.
也许我真的是在为自己试镜。
So--
所以——
Right now.
现在。
Like, I am auditioning to play the role of myself.
就像，我正在试镜扮演我自己的角色。
I'm in the process of an audition.
我正在试镜。
Yes.
是的。
And I was just testing it slowly because I was like, be careful, you know?
我只是慢慢地测试它，因为我想，要小心，你知道吗？
You've had this delusion before, and you've been wrong.
你以前也有过这种错觉，但你错了。
And not only that, I know how the world works a little bit.
不仅如此，我还知道一点这个世界是如何运作的。
I know HBO isn't just like, yeah, let him play himself.
我知道 HBO 不只是让他扮演自己。
Great idea.
好主意。
Like, no. But like, I don't know.
就像，不。但就像，我不知道。
Maybe the director's kind of crazy.
也许导演有点疯狂。
He takes a lot of risks.
他冒了很多风险。
And sitting in the truck, he started to have the feeling that in addition to the people he knew would be filming him later that day, there were also other cameras that he couldn't see, and maybe audio recorders, too, possibly right there in the truck with him.
坐在卡车上，他开始感觉到，除了那天晚些时候他认识的人会拍摄他之外，还有其他他看不到的摄像机，也许还有录音机，可能就在卡车上和他在一起。
I was listening to a song in his truck, and I was kind of dancing a little bit.
我在他的卡车里听着一首歌，我还跳了一点舞。
And I was like, oh, this is kind of funny.
我当时想，哦，这有点有趣。
And I was like, well, maybe you're not being taped right now.
我当时想，好吧，也许你现在没有被录音。
That's quite possible.
这很有可能。
That makes sense.
这是有道理的。
I was like, but maybe you are.
我当时想，但也许你是。
So maybe just give them a little something to think about.
所以也许只是给他们一些思考的机会。
Leave them with something, like, OK, he's got a little something there.
给他们留下一些东西，比如，好吧，他那里有一些东西。
He's raw, and he needs training.
他还很原始，需要训练。
But we got something we can possibly work with here.
但我们在这里找到了可以使用的东西。
So once again, the powers that be had spotted Zack's latent talent and set it up so he could just do his thing in the wild-- wow the crowd.
所以，当权者再一次发现了扎克的潜在才能并加以利用，这样他就可以在野外做他的事情了——让观众惊叹不已。
Should we watch the video?
我们应该看视频吗？
Zack McDermott If we must.
扎克·麦克德莫特 如果必须的话。
Let's watch the video.
我们来看视频吧。
Zack McDermott This is going to hurt.
扎克·麦克德莫特 这会很痛。
How come?
怎么会？
Zack McDermott Well, I think I'm going to feel bad for the dude I'm going to watch, who is me.
扎克·麦克德莫特：好吧，我想我会为我要观看的那个家伙感到难过，他就是我。
So the video-- it starts with the production crew in their car without Zack.
所以视频开始时，制作人员在他们的车里，没有扎克。
It's just one cameraman and Zack's TV producer friend, Jay.
只有一名摄影师和扎克的电视制片人朋友杰伊。
They're heading to a taco shop to meet Zack.
他们要去一家炸玉米饼店去见扎克。
They pull up to a standalone building surrounded by a big parking lot.
他们把车停在一座独立的建筑前，周围有一个大停车场。
And they arrive at the same time as Zack's family friend, Rob, an older guy with a white beard and a tan ball cap.
他们和扎克的家人朋友罗布同时到达，罗布是一个留着白胡子、戴着棕褐色棒球帽的老家伙。
The cameraman's walking around the side of the taco place.
摄影师在炸玉米饼店的旁边走来走去。
And there you are.
你就在那里。
Yeah.
是的。
Sean Cole Zack's in a spider-man crouch with his hands on the ground, staring down.
肖恩·科尔·扎克（Sean Cole Zack）穿着蜘蛛侠蹲姿，双手放在地上，向下凝视。
He's wearing an Adidas t-shirt and sweatpants.
他穿着阿迪达斯 T 恤和运动裤。
No glasses-- he dropped them somewhere, which means he can't see anything.
没有眼镜——他把眼镜掉在某个地方了，这意味着他什么也看不见。
He's clearly in a lot of physical pain.
显然他的身体承受着很大的痛苦。
It's his back, and it's spasming.
这是他的背，正在痉挛。
I'm on my hands and knees now.
我现在手脚并用。
I'm trying to stand up.
我正试图站起来。
I can't.
我不能。
You OK, dude?
你还好吗，伙计？
Zack McDermott Yeah, I just got to stand up.
扎克·麦克德莫特 是的，我必须站起来。
Is he OK?
他还好吗？
Zack McDermott Pedestrians are asking if I'm OK.
扎克·麦克德莫特 行人问我是否还好。
Yeah, he's just-- his back's a little hurt.
是的，他只是——他的背有点伤。
His back's a little hurt.
他的背有点伤。
He's fine.
他很好。
My friend Jay is saying, he's OK.
我的朋友杰伊说，他很好。
He's OK.
他没事。
It wasn't 100% clear what was going on with Zack at that point.
当时扎克的情况还不是百分百清楚。
And Jay and the others were trying to help him, to get him into a car so he could get back to his hotel and sleep.
杰伊和其他人试图帮助他，把他送进车里，这样他就可以回到酒店睡觉了。
But they also kept filming because that was the entire goal of the week.
但他们也继续拍摄，因为这是本周的全部目标。
And they thought Zack might want this footage.
他们认为扎克可能想要这段录像。
This is exactly what his book was about.
这正是他的书的内容。
And here it was happening.
事情就在这里发生了。
Zack, meanwhile, was now pretty convinced he was auditioning to play the role of himself on the TV show that, again, is actually being produced about the time he thought he was on a TV show.
与此同时，扎克现在非常确信他正在试镜在电视节目中扮演自己的角色，而该电视节目实际上是在他认为自己在电视节目中的时间制作的。
Some blurry calculus told him that his producer friend Jay and Jean-Marc Vallée must be in communication somehow.
一些模糊的计算告诉他，他的制片人朋友杰伊和让-马克·瓦莱一定以某种方式进行了沟通。
In the video, Zack's on his knees, swaying back and forth in front of the taco stand.
在视频中，扎克跪在玉米卷摊前来回摇晃。
He closes his eyes, then opens them, and looks toward the camera-- the one that isn't there.
他闭上眼睛，然后睁开，看向镜头——但镜头并不在那里。
Hold on.
坚持，稍等。
Hold on.
坚持，稍等。
Ah.
啊。
All right.
好的。
Too much.
太多了。
Too much.
太多了。
Too much.
太多了。
Too much.
太多了。
Too much.
太多了。
Too much.
太多了。
Stop.
停止。
Stop.
停止。
Stop.
停止。
It was freaky to see my friend like this.
看到我的朋友这个样子真是太奇怪了。
I've seen people in the park or on the subway, acting like Zack was that day.
我在公园或地铁上见过人们，表现得就像扎克那天一样。
They're just so literally lost and don't know it.
他们真的迷失了，却不知道。
But you know it.
但你知道。
It's like they're right beside you on the sidewalk and also in a forest that they can't be guided out of, not easily.
就像他们就在你旁边的人行道上，而且在森林里，他们无法被引导出去，不容易。
But in this case, Zack was sitting next to me, watching with me.
但在这种情况下，扎克坐在我旁边，和我一起观看。
And he remembers everything that was going through his head at that moment.
他还记得那一刻他脑子里所想的一切。
I came to believe that through some combination of Jean-Marc and my friend here, Jay, the producer, that we had maybe a yoga instructor who was watching my movements and could tell, by the way I was moving, how much pain I was in and where I was in pain.
我开始相信，通过让-马克和我的朋友、制片人杰伊的某种结合，我们可能有一位瑜伽教练在观察我的动作，并且可以通过我移动的方式来判断我的疼痛程度以及疼痛的部位。
Oh, man.
哦，伙计。
You know what?
你知道吗？
I think I thought they were even shocking my spine somehow.
我想我以为他们甚至以某种方式震撼了我的脊椎。
Those back spasms-- he thought they were electrical shocks being triggered by this magical, imaginary yoga instructor.
那些背部痉挛——他认为这是由这位神奇的、想象中的瑜伽教练引发的电击。
He moves in and out of different yoga poses on the ground.
他在地面上摆出不同的瑜伽姿势。
And I think that they're thinking that, if we shocked him this way, he would not only move his body to correct his posture that would alleviate his pain, but it can also point him toward whatever camera was capturing the particular footage that was going to be sent to Jean-Marc Vallée, the real director of the real series, Gorilla and the Bird.
我认为他们认为，如果我们以这种方式电击他，他不仅会移动自己的身体来纠正自己的姿势，从而减轻他的疼痛，而且还可以将他指向正在捕捉特定镜头的任何摄像机，这些镜头将发送给真实系列《大猩猩与鸟》的真正导演让-马克·瓦莱(Jean-Marc Vallée)。
Oh, I see.
我懂了。
So it was both to help you and also for production values.
所以这既是为了帮助你，也是为了生产价值。
Right.
正确的。
And when you see me waving my hand and waving them off, that means, I'm not good right now.
当你看到我挥手示意他们走开时，那就意味着我现在状态不好。
I don't really want to be shot.
我真的不想被枪杀。
But you're not saying, stop filming, to the person who's filming this.
但你并不是对拍摄这个的人说，停止拍摄。
The larger production team that doesn't exist.
不存在的更大的制作团队。
Stop.
停止。
For real, stop.
真的，停下来。
Sean Cole Which, when you think about it, takes a certain type of genius.
肖恩·科尔（Sean Cole），当你仔细想想，这需要某种类型的天才。
Because Zack's original delusion that he was being followed around by cameras had come true, his brain had to come up with a second level delusion that, again, involved real people.
因为扎克最初的错觉——他被摄像机跟踪——已经成为现实，所以他的大脑必须想出第二个层次的错觉，这个错觉再次涉及到真人。
The way he explained it to me, it's not like he forgets reality or hallucinates that the camera is really a dragon or something.
从他向我解释的方式来看，他并不是忘记了现实，也不是幻觉相机实际上是一条龙之类的东西。
He's able to take in all the data in front of him.
他能够吸收眼前的所有数据。
It's just that he comes to the wrong conclusions about it.
只是他对此得出了错误的结论。
Finally, Zack makes it to his feet and then walks off to the middle of the parking lot, sticks his hand in the air, and again, says, too much.
最后，扎克站了起来，然后走到停车场中间，把手举在空中，再次说道，太多了。
Too much.
太多了。
Too much.
太多了。
Way too much.
太多了。
And then he's back down on his knees and finally on his back, lying in the parking lot as cars pass him.
然后他又跪下来，最后仰面躺在停车场，汽车从他身边驶过。
Zack was right about what he said before, that it was going to hurt to watch this.
扎克之前说过的话是对的，看到这个会很痛苦。
I think I'm kind of just like, oof, oof.
我想我有点像，哦，哦。
I think I'm just bracing myself for it the whole time.
我想我一直都在为这一切做好准备。
And I'm kind of like rooting for the guy and feeling bad for him.
我有点喜欢支持这个家伙，并为他感到难过。
And like, buddy, oh, please stop.
就像，伙计，哦，请停下来。
Oh, please stop.
哦，请停下来。
But in the same way I would feel bad for someone I saw on the street who's yelling at pigeons--
但同样地，我也会为我在街上看到的对鸽子大喊大叫的人感到难过——
Right.
对。
Zack McDermott Or whatever, you know?
扎克·麦克德莫特 或者其他什么，你知道吗？
The difference is, I know that guy a little better.
不同的是，我更了解那个人了。
You know the guy that we saw in the video a little better.
你更了解我们在视频中看到的那个人。
Finally, they managed to get Zack back to his hotel.
最后，他们设法让扎克回到他的酒店。
And this is when we learn about a whole other side of psychotic Zack, one that's even harder for sane Zack to watch.
就在这时，我们了解到了精神病扎克的另一面，这对于理智的扎克来说是更难以观察的。
So Rob stays behind.
所以罗布留在后面。
And the cast is now Jay, the TV producer friend, and now two cameramen, Trevar and Tyler.
演员现在是杰伊，电视制片人的朋友，现在是两名摄影师，特雷瓦和泰勒。
They went and got all of Zack's stuff from his mom's house, where he'd been staying earlier-- his medication, and his clothes, and everything.
他们去扎克早些时候住过的地方，从他妈妈的家里拿走了他的所有东西——他的药物、他的衣服，以及所有东西。
And they roll up to Zack's hotel room door with one of those standard issue luggage carts.
他们推着一辆标准行李车来到扎克的酒店房间门口。
Zack's in the room, talking to his mom on speaker phone.
扎克在房间里，用免提电话和他妈妈说话。
Job one is to get an Ativan into Zack to put him to sleep.
第一项任务是让阿蒂万进入扎克体内，让他入睡。
And they also keep shooting.
而且他们还继续射击。
[KNOCKING] He opens the door, and there are two cameras pointing at him.
[敲门声]他打开门，有两个摄像机对着他。
What's up, boys?
怎么了，孩子们？
Sean Cole You're in sunglasses and a towel.
肖恩·科尔：你戴着墨镜，裹着毛巾。
I got your stuff.
我拿到了你的东西。
Sean Cole It's like Kanye West has answered the door here.
肖恩·科尔 (Sean Cole) 就好像坎耶·韦斯特 (Kanye West) 来开门一样。
Zack was about to take a shower, and he needed to see.
扎克正要洗澡，他需要看看。
The sunglasses are prescription.
太阳镜是有处方的。
Jay had his regular ones.
杰伊有他的常规。
Let me bring this.
让我带这个。
Let me just go here.
让我就到这里吧。
I'm going to let you turn that corner.
我会让你转过那个弯。
I'm kind of hamming it up there.
我有点把它搞砸了。
I said let me go here, and I'll going to let you turn that corner.
我说让我走这里，我会让你转过那个拐角。
Yeah, you're doing a voice.
是的，你正在发声。
Zack McDermott Yeah.
扎克·麦克德莫特 是的。
Your coconut oil.
你的椰子油。
Zack McDermott Mm-hmm.
扎克·麦克德莫特 嗯嗯。
Your glasses.
你的眼镜。
Zack McDermott Oh, that's nice to have.
扎克·麦克德莫特 哦，那真是太好了。
Your wallet.
你的钱包。
Sean Cole Zack's pretty disoriented at this point.
肖恩·科尔·扎克此时非常迷失方向。
His mom, the bird, chimes in on speaker phone sometimes, trying to talk him down.
他的妈妈，这只鸟，有时会用免提电话插话，试图说服他。
And even though Zack's discombobulated about almost everything, he still thinks he's playing a role, even if that role is himself.
尽管扎克几乎对所有事情都感到困惑，但他仍然认为自己正在扮演一个角色，即使这个角色就是他自己。
The blinking red light in his head is still on.
他脑袋里闪烁的红灯仍然亮着。
All the while, Jay is being really caring toward him.
一直以来，杰伊都非常关心他。
How are you feeling?
你感觉怎么样？
Zack McDermott I'm feeling a little shocked, like literally and figuratively.
扎克·麦克德莫特 我感到有点震惊，无论是字面上还是比喻上。
By all this display of-- Zack McDermott Oh, hold on.
扎克·麦克德莫特（Zack McDermott）的所有这些表现哦，等等。
Jay was about to say something like, by all of this display of generosity and caring?
杰伊正想说这样的话，通过所有这些慷慨和关怀的表现？
But of course, Zack means he was being shocked by a magical yoga instructor.
当然，扎克的意思是他被一位神奇的瑜伽教练震惊了。
And he's also amazed at all of the planning that went into this audition.
他也对这次试镜的所有计划感到惊讶。
[INAUDIBLE] Let's quit acting and let me just fucking coconut oil my ass.
[听不清] 让我们停止演戏，让我只操椰子油我的屁股。
Mm-hmm.
嗯嗯。
Sean Cole So I can coconut oil my ass.
肖恩·科尔 所以我可以给我的屁股涂椰子油。
Mm-hmm.
嗯嗯。
Which I guess if you think you're acting and someone's filming you, then you are acting.
我想如果你认为你在表演并且有人在拍摄你，那么你就是在表演。
Coconut oil on that ass now.
现在把椰子油涂在屁股上了。
Oh, you were literally coconut oiling your ass.
哦，你简直是在给你的屁股涂椰子油。
Yes.
是的。
Sean Cole Oh, I thought that was a euphemism.
肖恩·科尔 哦，我以为那是委婉说法。
No, I do that.
不，我就是这么做的。
Jay, where are my real glasses?
杰伊，我真正的眼镜在哪里？
Give me my real glasses.
把我真正的眼镜给我。
Oh, I got them.
哦，我明白了。
Barking orders like a real asshole.
像个真正的混蛋一样咆哮命令。
And--
还有——
It's true.
这是真的。
Like, with the coconut oil, Zack comes out of the bathroom at one point with the jar and asks if someone can put some on his back.
就像椰子油一样，扎克有一次拿着罐子从浴室出来，问是否有人可以在他背上放一些。
And this is probably the cringiest moment of the whole video for Zack to watch, mostly because the Zack in the video doesn't have any problem bossing everyone around.
这可能是扎克观看的整个视频中最令人难堪的时刻，主要是因为视频中的扎克没有任何问题来指挥周围的每个人。
Trevar puts his camera down and complies.
特雷瓦放下相机，照做了。
Yeah, yeah.
是啊是啊。
You got it.
你明白了。
Don't rub it in.
别把它擦进去。
Just, it's all around.
只是，一切都在身边。
Zack McDermott We're just moisturizing.
扎克·麦克德莫特：我们只是保湿。
Well, I'm not rubbing hard.
还好我没用力擦。
I'm not rubbing hard.
我没有用力擦。
No, I mean-- all right.
不，我的意思是——好吧。
Trevar I'm just rubbing it around.
Trevar 我只是在擦它。
Good.
好的。
We're fine.
我们很好。
Yeah.
是的。
Trevar Yeah.
特雷瓦 是的。
Lower.
降低。
There you go.
就这样吧。
Look, I'm just oiling up, all right?
瞧，我只是在加油，好吗？
Hey.
嘿。
Is that good?
这样好吗？
Zack McDermott Stop.
扎克·麦克德莫特 站住。
Stop.
停止。
No. That's not what we do.
不，那不是我们所做的。
You're like, stop, stop.
你就像，停下来，停下来。
No, that's not good.
不，那不好。
You're not putting coconut oil on my back right.
你没有把椰子油涂在我的背上吧。
Now Jay is doing it.
现在杰伊正在这样做。
Zack McDermott Not like-- no, just like you're putting lotion on.
扎克·麦克德莫特：不，不，就像你涂了乳液一样。
Hard.
难的。
Harder, harder.
更难，更难。
Just rub that shit in.
把那玩意儿擦进去就行了。
That's really painful to watch.
看着真的很痛苦。
It's just I'm being such a dick to everybody.
只是我对每个人来说都是个混蛋。
Well, you're here in a florid psychotic episode.
好吧，你正处于一场华丽的精神病发作中。
That's true.
这是真的。
But I'm still not being nice.
但我还是不太友善。
And no one there knows me all that well.
那里没有人那么了解我。
I mean, Jay knows me best at this point here.
我的意思是，杰伊此时最了解我。
But this is the first he's seen me be in any sort of bad mental state.
但这是他第一次看到我精神状态不好。
And he's got kids at home.
而且他家里还有孩子。
He's got a newborn.
他已经有了一个新生儿。
And he took time out of his schedule to come do this, for free.
他从自己的日程安排中抽出时间来免费做这件事。
And he is taking care of me.
他正在照顾我。
Yeah, and he's hiding his exasperation while he deals with me.
是的，他在跟我打交道时隐藏着他的愤怒。
But then you can see when he's looking at the camera-- I won't call it eye rolling, but it's just like, the guy's obviously frustrated and being pushed to the limits of his patience.
但是你可以看到，当他看着镜头时——我不会称之为翻白眼，但这就像，这家伙显然很沮丧，并且被逼到了耐心的极限。
He's doing everything perfect here.
他在这里把一切都做得很完美。
It's amazing what he's doing.
他所做的事情真是令人惊奇。
And so when I see that video, it makes me want to call Jay, my friend in the video, and say, hey, man.
所以当我看到那个视频时，我想给视频中我的朋友杰伊打电话，说，嘿，伙计。
I'm sorry I spoke to you like that, and I'm sorry that I brought that stress into your life.
很抱歉我这样对你说话，也很抱歉我给你的生活带来了这种压力。
But then out of the other side of my mouth, I'll preach to the general public, like, ain't your fault.
但然后我会从我嘴的另一边向公众宣讲，就像，这不是你的错。
When he does speaking events at bookstores and other places, talking about his disorder, he says, people shouldn't be ashamed of their own mental illness and their behavior during episodes like this one.
他说，当他在书店和其他地方举办演讲活动，谈论他的疾病时，人们不应该为自己的精神疾病和他们在这样的事件中的行为感到羞耻。
His mantra is always, this happens, and it's OK.
他的口头禅总是，这种事发生了，没关系。
Because I do believe this happens, and it is OK, as it relates to everyone else.
因为我确实相信这种情况会发生，而且没关系，因为这与其他人有关。
But when I see it happen to myself, I'm like, that's not OK, man.
但当我看到这种事发生在自己身上时，我就想，这不行，伙计。
You got to get your shit together.
你必须把你的狗屎整合起来。
The Ativan's starting to take effect.
Ativan 开始生效。
Zack's getting drowsy.
扎克开始昏昏欲睡。
He has to fly back to LA the next day, but it's not clear he understands that.
他第二天必须飞回洛杉矶，但不清楚他是否明白这一点。
The bird on speaker phone has been steadily beating a drum, trying to coax him away from the cameras-- the real ones and the imaginary ones-- and just get him to go to bed.
免提电话里的小鸟一直在不停地敲鼓，试图哄他远离摄像机——无论是真实的还是想象的——然后让他上床睡觉。
Sleep, of course, is the opposite of performing.
当然，睡眠与表演相反。
Zack, now that you've got your Ativan on board, you just need to lay down, son.
扎克，现在你已经把你的 Ativan 放在船上了，你只需要躺下来，儿子。
Yeah, you're right.
是的，你是对的。
Cindy You don't need to worry about the clothing right now.
辛迪：你现在不用担心衣服的问题。
So Zack, you just need to go to sleep.
所以扎克，你只需要去睡觉。
And then, you just need to coordinate with Trevar how to get you to the airport for your flight.
然后，您只需与 Trevar 协调如何送您前往机场搭乘航班。
Oh, yeah, because I have my earplugs now.
哦，是的，因为我现在有了耳塞。
It looks like he's getting ready to go to sleep.
看起来他正准备睡觉。
He hangs up with his mom, but then after everyone leaves, he calls her back.
他挂断了妈妈的电话，但等所有人都离开后，他又给她回了电话。
Says to her, what the hell just happened?
对她说，刚才到底发生了什么？
She says, what do you think happened?
她说，你认为发生了什么？
He says, I'm Jake Gyllenhaal.
他说，我是杰克·吉伦哈尔。
No, she says.
不，她说。
There's going to be a TV show made out of your book, but you are Zack.
将会有一部根据你的书改编的电视节目，但你是扎克。
You aren't messing with me, he says.
你没有惹我，他说。
Nothing happened just now?
刚才什么都没发生吗？
Nothing, she says.
没什么，她说。
You need to sleep.
你需要睡觉。
You're manic.
你很狂躁。
I'm just crushed that that just happened to me.
我只是因为这件事发生在我身上而感到震惊。
In this moment, I'm kind of realizing that my mind has betrayed me.
这一刻，我意识到我的思想背叛了我。
Again.
再次。
Zack McDermott Yeah.
扎克·麦克德莫特 是的。
And I just feel so fucking stupid--
我只是觉得自己太他妈愚蠢了——
Oh, honey.
哦，亲爱的。
Zack McDermott And so embarrassed.
扎克·麦克德莫特 非常尴尬。
I mean, this is humiliating, you know?
我的意思是，这很丢脸，你知道吗？
And it causes chaos, fault or no fault.
它会导致混乱、故障或无故障。
I wish it was easier to be my friend.
我希望成为我的朋友更容易。
I wish I took up less space in the people that love me's lives.
我希望我在那些爱我的人的生活中占据更少的空间。
I watch the video several more times on my own.
我自己又看了好几遍视频。
And I realize that maybe there's this one other thing that's unsettling for Zack when he sees the scene in the hotel room.
我意识到，当扎克看到酒店房间里的场景时，也许还有另一件事让他感到不安。
Zack told me he doesn't want to be on TV anymore like he used to.
扎克告诉我他不想再像以前那样上电视了。
But it's clear his delusion still does.
但很明显他的错觉仍然存在。
The Zack in the hotel room still has this naked, unfettered ambition of wanting to perform, wanting all the cameras on him.
酒店房间里的扎克仍然有这种赤裸裸的、不受约束的野心，想要表演，想要所有的摄像机都在他身上。
It's almost like a little kid's dream of stardom.
这几乎就像一个小孩子的明星梦想。
The towel around his waist could just as easily be tied around his neck, superhero style.
腰间的毛巾也可以轻松地系在脖子上，就像超级英雄一样。
And the Zack watching the video is bashful about that, in a way that the Zack in the video is not.
观看视频的扎克对此感到害羞，而视频中的扎克则不然。
I didn't think to ask him about this when we were watching it together.
当我们一起看的时候，我没想到要问他这个问题。
So I called him later and said it on the phone.
所以我后来给他打电话，在电话里说了。
Yeah, I think that's probably-- yeah, I think that's probably true.
是的，我认为这可能是——是的，我认为这可能是真的。
It's almost like I've kind of renounced the hustle in my normal day to day, this naked pursuit of fame and stardom.
就好像我已经放弃了日常生活中的喧嚣，放弃了对名誉和明星的赤裸裸的追求。
But yeah, like you're saying, the id keeps going no, dude.
但是，是的，就像你说的，id 一直不显示，伙计。
You're not fooling anybody, least of all your own brain.
你骗不了任何人，尤其是你自己的大脑。
This is what you want, except that you're a performer.
这就是你想要的，只不过你是一个表演者。
Yeah, I'm so shy about my acting aspirations, I didn't even realize that.
是的，我对自己的演艺抱负很害羞，我什至没有意识到这一点。
It's sort of like sane Zack set the stage for delusional Zack to get what he wants-- to be the star.
这有点像理智的扎克为妄想的扎克搭建了舞台，让他得到他想要的东西——成为明星。
And now that there's video of it, sane Zack has to confront what that show actually looks like-- the Zack show.
现在有了它的视频，理智的扎克必须面对那个节目的实际情况——扎克秀。
And he's not a fan.
而且他不是粉丝。
The full title of Zack's book is Gorilla and the Bird, a Memoir of Madness and a Mother's Love.
扎克这本书的全名是《大猩猩与鸟，疯狂与母爱的回忆录》。
I could talk about how great, and hilarious, and important I think it is, but I've already annoyed a lot of people doing that.
我可以谈论我认为这是多么伟大、多么搞笑、多么重要，但我已经惹恼了很多这样做的人。
So, see for yourself.
所以，你自己看看吧。
Coming up, that one mistake that haunts you, and you just can't get over it.
接下来，一个困扰你的错误，你就是无法克服它。
And then, you watch the same screw-up happen all over again four decades later.
然后，你会看到同样的错误在四十年后再次发生。
That's in a minute from Chicago Public Radio, when our program continues.
芝加哥公共广播电台一分钟后我们的节目仍在继续。
It's This American Life.
这就是美国生活。
And I'm Sean Cole in for Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯的肖恩·科尔。
Today's show-- Seeing Yourself in the Wild, stories of people who get to-- reluctantly decide to-- come face to face with an unedited version of who they are and what they do with that information.
今天的节目《在野外看到自己》讲述了人们的故事，他们不情愿地决定面对未经编辑的版本，了解他们是谁以及他们如何处理这些信息。
And I am now delighted to bring you Act 2 of our show.
现在我很高兴为您带来我们节目的第二幕。
Act 2, distant replay.
第二幕，远程重播。
So, this story is about a man who's been reliving this one moment from his life over and over again.
所以，这个故事是关于一个男人一遍又一遍地重温他生命中的这一时刻的。
He remembers every last detail of how it felt, how it changed his life.
他记得那感觉的每一个细节，以及它如何改变了他的生活。
And then 40 years later, someone shows up with a recording of that thing.
40 年后，有人带着那件事的录音出现了。
Emanuele Berry explains.
埃马努埃莱·贝里解释道。
The man is my dad.
这个男人是我的爸爸。
And the thing he cannot let go of is a high school basketball game from 1978.
而他最无法割舍的，就是1978年的一场高中篮球比赛。
I found out about the game when I was a kid.
我小时候就知道这个游戏了。
My mom had saved this old newspaper clipping, or maybe it was a yearbook.
我妈妈保存了这张旧剪报，或者可能是一本年鉴。
But either way, there is this picture of my dad on a basketball court.
但无论哪种方式，都有这张我父亲在篮球场上的照片。
And when I brought it to her, she told me not to ask my dad about it.
当我把它带给她时，她告诉我不要问我爸爸。
And so, I never brought it up.
所以，我从来没有提起过。
But it bugged me, because basketball is the one thing my dad and I share.
但这让我很烦恼，因为篮球是我和爸爸共同的事情。
Of my four siblings, I'm the only one who fell for the game like my dad.
在我的四个兄弟姐妹中，我是唯一一个像我父亲一样迷恋游戏的人。
I loved being on the court; the sound of squeaking shoes, creaking floors; the way the entire space of the gym would vibrate; the way my body would twist, and turn, and pivot to the basket.
我喜欢在球场上；鞋子吱吱作响、地板吱吱作响的声音；健身房的整个空间振动的方式；我的身体会扭曲、转动并转向篮筐的方式。
I loved basketball, but I also loved the attention my dad gave me because of it.
我喜欢篮球，但我也喜欢父亲因此而给予我的关注。
In the car after games, we'd annoy the hell out of the rest of my family by dissecting my every move, figuring out what I could improve on, what I did well.
比赛结束后在车里，我们会仔细分析我的一举一动，找出我可以改进的地方，我做得好的地方，这让我的家人很恼火。
It was like we were speaking our own language.
就像我们在说我们自己的语言一样。
Together, we laid out big dreams for my future-- club teams, high school star, college, the WNBA.
我们一起为我的未来制定了远大的梦想——俱乐部球队、高中明星、大学、WNBA。
But when I got to high school, I cared less about the game.
但到了高中，我就不太关心比赛了。
Our postgame talk stopped feeling like conversations and started sounding like lectures.
我们的赛后谈话不再像谈话，而开始听起来像讲座。
I started to dread the car rides home.
我开始害怕坐车回家。
And there's one ride for my junior year of high school that I still think about all the time.
我高中三年级时的一次骑行至今仍让我念念不忘。
I was walking to my dad's car after the game.
比赛结束后我正走向我爸爸的车。
And as soon as I closed the door, it started.
我一关上门，事情就开始了。
Why didn't you do this?
你为什么不这样做？
You need to do this.
你需要这样做。
How could you do this?
你怎么能这么做？
As I listen to the steady rhythm of my dad's critique, I realized, these lectures weren't about me or what I wanted.
当我听着父亲节奏稳定的批评时，我意识到，这些讲座不是关于我的，也不是我想要的。
They were about him.
他们是关于他的。
So I did something I had never done before.
所以我做了一些我以前从未做过的事情。
Shut the fuck up, I shouted.
他妈的闭嘴，我喊道。
He was taken aback for a moment, and then stony silence, waiting for an apology.
他愣了一下，然后就陷入了沉默，等待着道歉。
But it was an apology I wouldn't give.
但这是我不会给出的道歉。
I told him that I didn't want to talk about basketball with him anymore.
我告诉他我不想再和他谈论篮球了。
And if that's all he wanted to talk about, we didn't need to talk.
如果这就是他想谈的一切，我们就不需要谈了。
So we didn't.
所以我们没有。
For over a year, we barely spoke to each other.
一年多来，我们几乎没有说话。
A lot of time has passed.
已经过去很多时间了。
I haven't picked up a ball in forever.
我已经很久没有拿起过球了。
Neither has my dad.
我爸爸也没有。
The silence is long gone.
沉默早已消失。
But there's something that hasn't been repaired.
但还有一些东西没有修复。
Nowadays, we just exchange basketball pleasantries.
如今，我们只是交换篮球方面的寒暄。
Did you watch that game?
你看过那场比赛吗？
How does the team look this year?
今年球队的表现如何？
LeBron, LeBron, LeBron.
勒布朗，勒布朗，勒布朗。
Basketball gives us the illusion that we know each other.
篮球给我们一种我们彼此认识的错觉。
But I'm not sure we do.
但我不确定我们会这样做。
And I've been wanting to know my dad better-- to talk to him about something real, something that matters to him.
我一直想更好地了解我的父亲——和他谈论一些真实的、对他来说重要的事情。
So that high school basketball game from 1978 seems like a good place to start.
因此，1978 年的那场高中篮球比赛似乎是一个不错的起点。
I visited my parents in Michigan.
我去密歇根州拜访了我的父母。
And when I walk into the living room, of course, there's a college basketball game on in the background.
当然，当我走进客厅时，背景中正在播放一场大学篮球比赛。
My dad's in his usual position, sunken into his recliner.
我爸爸保持着他平常的姿势，陷在躺椅里。
Even sitting down, he's still big.
即使坐下来，他仍然很大。
Long arms-- his hands make the remote look teeny.
手臂很长——他的手让遥控器看起来很小。
I ask him to talk upstairs.
我请他上楼谈谈。
On what?
靠什么？
Emanuele Berry Do you want to sit back here?
Emanuele Berry 你想坐到这里吗？
Anywhere is OK with me.
任何地方都适合我。
Emanuele Berry OK.
埃马努埃莱·贝里 好的。
I go to sleep.
我睡觉了。
Emanuele Berry No, you can't go to sleep.
埃马努埃莱·贝里 不，你不能睡觉。
We're talking.
我们正在说话。
I'm nervous.
我很紧张。
My dad is intimidating.
我爸爸很吓人。
We chit chat for a long time before I bring up the game and that old photo my mom had kept.
在我提起游戏和我妈妈保留的那张旧照片之前，我们聊了很长时间。
And I remember her saying that it was sad and that I shouldn't mention it.
我记得她说这很悲伤，我不应该提及这件事。
That picture was of the final game when we lost in the semifinals.
那张照片是我们在半决赛输掉比赛时的最后一场比赛。
I blame myself for losing that game.
我责怪自己输掉了那场比赛。
There's a lot in that sigh.
这一声叹息里包含了很多东西。
My dad grew up poor in Mississippi, the youngest of 11.
我父亲在密西西比州长大，很穷，他是 11 个人中最小的一个。
And for him, basketball was a way to college.
对他来说，篮球是进入大学的一种方式。
But in the 10th grade, he suffered a serious knee injury.
但在十年级的时候，他的膝盖受了严重的伤。
His knee would swell when he ran, so he had to stop playing.
他跑步时膝盖会肿胀，所以他不得不停止比赛。
But he got an unlikely second chance.
但他得到了不太可能的第二次机会。
Before his senior year of high school, his family moved to Michigan.
在高中四年级之前，他的家人搬到了密歇根州。
There, the surgeon found bone shards under my dad's kneecap.
在那里，外科医生在我父亲的膝盖骨下发现了骨头碎片。
He removed them, and the swelling stopped.
他把它们取出来，肿胀就停止了。
My dad could play basketball again.
我爸爸又可以打篮球了。
That dream to get a basketball scholarship to go to college was back on.
获得篮球奖学金上大学的梦想又回来了。
My dad joined his high school basketball team.
我父亲加入了他的高中篮球队。
They were called the Everett Vikings, and they were good.
他们被称为埃弗雷特维京人，他们很优秀。
They'd won the state championship the previous year.
他们去年赢得了州冠军。
The star of that team was this guy named Earvin.
那支球队的明星是这个名叫埃尔文的人。
But most people just call him Magic Johnson.
但大多数人只是称他为“魔术师”约翰逊。
Even in high school, they called them that.
即使在高中，他们也这么称呼他们。
The coach was thrilled when my dad joined because he was tall.
当我父亲加入时，教练很兴奋，因为他很高。
And the team had lost Magic Johnson and all of their height.
球队失去了魔术师约翰逊和他们所有的身高。
As the season progressed, my dad flourished.
随着赛季的进展，我父亲的状态越来越好。
He was a strong rebounder.
他是一个很强的篮板手。
He could dunk.
他可以扣篮。
He even got a nickname.
他甚至还得到了一个绰号。
They wanted to try to figure out a name for me, a nickname for me.
他们想试着给我想一个名字，一个昵称。
They already had one for Earvin.
他们已经为埃尔文准备了一份。
As everybody know, Tim Scott nicknamed Earvin "Magic" Johnson.
众所周知，蒂姆·斯科特昵称埃尔文·“魔术师”·约翰逊。
One of the sportscasters found out I was from Mississippi.
一位体育广播员发现我来自密西西比州。
During a game where I dunked the ball, he said, Mississippi Slammer.
在一场我扣篮的比赛中，他说，密西西比扣篮手。
That's where they got the name the Mississippi Slammer.
这就是他们被称为“密西西比猛击者”的原因。
His team was cruising through the season to the state playoffs, which brings us to the game I was never supposed to ask about.
他的球队整个赛季都在进入州季后赛，这让我们看到了一场我本来不应该问的比赛。
It was the semifinals.
那是半决赛。
The team was supposed to wear suits to the game, but my dad didn't have one.
球队应该穿西装参加比赛，但我爸爸没有。
So he had to get one at the last minute.
所以他必须在最后一刻才得到一个。
He missed the pep rally, and he got to the gym late.
他错过了动员大会，而且他到健身房也晚了。
My dad remembers going to the locker room, the starting lineups being announced.
我父亲记得去更衣室，首发阵容已经宣布。
And when the game started, he says he just felt off.
当比赛开始时，他说他感觉很不舒服。
He remembers this one play in particular, where he says everything fell apart.
他特别记得这一出戏，他说一切都崩溃了。
I grab a rebound off the backboard above the rim.
我从篮筐上方的篮板上抢下篮板。
And I go up above the rim, to where I'm basically-- all I had to do was just drop the ball in the basket.
我走到篮筐上方，基本上到了我所在的位置——我所要做的就是将球投进篮筐。
Instead, I threw it across the basket.
相反，我把它扔到篮子对面。
And I never will forget it.
我永远不会忘记它。
It was hard on me because that was a turning point in the game that had made me feel that I lost the game.
这对我来说很难，因为那是比赛的转折点，让我觉得我输了比赛。
How long do you think you carried around that one little moment?
你认为这一小瞬间你能坚持多久？
I still carry it around.
我仍然带着它。
Obviously, I'm still talking about it.
显然，我还在谈论它。
What do you think would make you not carry it around with you?
您认为什么会让您不随身携带它？
I don't know.
我不知道。
I can't go back in time and redo it.
我无法回到过去并重做。
They lost the game by just a few points.
他们仅以几分之差输掉了比赛。
Did it feel like opportunities were closing for you with that game?
在那场比赛中你是否感觉机会即将来临？
Yeah.
是的。
If I had played better, and we would've won that game, we would have been in the finals.
如果我打得更好，我们就能赢得那场比赛，我们就会进入决赛。
And there would've been more visual eyes on us.
会有更多的目光注视着我们。
And the thing was is that I was only out there for one year because I came up here in my senior year.
问题是我只在那里待了一年，因为我是在大四的时候来到这里的。
So nobody really knew who I was.
所以没有人真正知道我是谁。
For me to get the more exposure, we needed to continue to win.
为了让我获得更多曝光，我们需要继续获胜。
And when we didn't win, I think that just-- a lot of the opportunities for me to be seen went out the window.
当我们没有获胜时，我认为我的很多被人看到的机会就消失了。
I have a lot of resentment about the opportunities that I feel that it could have changed my life from the way we are now.
我对那些机会充满怨恨，因为我觉得它可以改变我现在的生活。
When my dad says where we are now, he means no college degree, a career managing restaurants, raising five kids, and making ends meet.
当我父亲说我们现在的处境时，他的意思是没有大学学位，而是从事管理餐馆、抚养五个孩子、维持收支平衡的职业。
Where we are now is missing part of a lung and slipped discs.
我们现在的情况是肺的一部分缺失，椎间盘突出。
Where we are now is no kidneys and dialysis, while still working 60 hour weeks.
我们现在的情况是没有肾脏和透析，但仍每周工作 60 小时。
It's been over 40 years since he missed that shot.
距离他投丢那一球已经过去了 40 多年。
Maybe that's how long it takes to mourn an alternative universe.
也许这就是哀悼另一个宇宙所需要的时间。
But part of me also wonders, isn't that long enough to let it go-- to see that it's just a game?
但我内心也想知道，这么长的时间难道还不足以让它过去——让我明白这只是一场游戏吗？
That where we are now is also 40 years of marriage and kids who went to college, one even to Yale-- not me.
我们现在的处境也是四十年的婚姻和上大学的孩子，其中一个甚至是耶鲁大学——但不是我。
And it's not like my dad hates his job.
我父亲并不讨厌他的工作。
I've never thought of our life as anything other than a good one.
我从来不认为我们的生活是美好的。
I got it in my head that if he could watch the game, he'd see things differently.
我心里想，如果他能观看比赛，他会对事情有不同的看法。
Maybe he didn't play so badly.
也许他打得并没有那么糟糕。
Maybe he's just being hard on himself.
也许他只是对自己太苛刻了。
And I wanted to see it.
我想看看。
I've never seen him play.
我从来没有看过他打球。
So I looked for the tape everywhere-- his high school, TV stations, the Michigan High School Athletic Association.
所以我到处寻找录像带——他的高中、电视台、密歇根高中体育协会。
And then, a few months later, my dad reconnected with one of his high school teammates.
几个月后，我父亲与他的一位高中队友重新取得了联系。
And he said, I have a copy of the game.
他说，我有这个游戏的副本。
And not only that, but he and the other guys on the team had a different take of how my dad played.
不仅如此，他和球队中的其他人对我父亲的打球方式也有不同的看法。
They said they remembered him playing great-- that he's the reason they even stayed in the game.
他们说他们记得他打得很棒——他是他们留在比赛中的原因。
He gave the tape to my dad.
他把磁带给了我爸爸。
My dad tried to watch it once, but didn't get too far.
我爸爸曾尝试观看过一次，但没看得太远。
So, a few weeks ago, we sat down in the living room to watch the game together.
所以，几周前，我们坐在客厅一起观看比赛。
All right, you ready?
好吧，你准备好了吗？
Bobby Berry I think so.
鲍比·贝瑞 我想是的。
You think so?
你这么认为吗？
Are you worried right now?
你现在担心吗？
I'm nervous.
我很紧张。
Emanuele Berry Why?
埃马努埃莱·贝里 为什么？
What are you nervous about?
你紧张什么？
Watching myself 40 years ago playing basketball, revisiting those moments.
看着40年前的自己打篮球，重温那些时刻。
But my teammates said that I played very like a bear, or beast, or whatever.
但我的队友说我打得很像熊，或者野兽，或者什么的。
I would like to see that part of the video.
我想看视频的那部分。
Versus what I perceive that I did not play very well.
与我认为的相比，我打得不太好。
So from retrospective, I would like to see that version-- the beast.
所以回顾过去，我希望看到那个版本——野兽。
Well, you know, I'd take anything right now.
嗯，你知道，我现在愿意接受任何东西。
Here we go.
开始了。
A grainy black and white court comes into focus.
颗粒状的黑白法庭成为焦点。
Players zoomed towards the basket and layup lines.
球员们迅速冲向篮筐和上篮线。
Lots of them have afros.
他们中的很多人都留着爆炸头。
Um, not yet.
嗯，还没有。
Well, it's all over the place.
嗯，到处都是。
And then I see him.
然后我看到了他。
It's his body language, so like my little brother's that it gives him away.
这是他的肢体语言，很像我弟弟的肢体语言，以至于暴露了他的身份。
Is this you?
这是你吗？
Bobby Berry That's me, yeah.
鲍比·贝瑞 那就是我，是的。
Is that you?
那是你吗？
Bobby Berry Yes, that's me.
鲍比·贝里 是的，那就是我。
He's sporting a white jersey and teeny, tight white shorts that are very shy of his knees.
他穿着一件白色运动衫和一条非常紧身的白色短裤，距离膝盖很近。
Tube socks and high top sneakers-- the shoes make me cringe.
筒袜和高帮运动鞋——这些鞋子让我感到畏缩。
Ankle support apparently was not a thing.
脚踝支撑显然不是问题。
And he's way skinnier than I've ever known him.
而且他比我认识的任何时候都要瘦。
Yeah, all 189 pounds of me.
是的，我的体重是 189 磅。
Emanuele Berry When was the last time you were 189 pounds.
Emanuele Berry 你最后一次达到 189 磅是什么时候？
Yeah, in high school.
是啊，高中的时候。
TV Announcer Hold on, this game is underway.
电视播音员 请稍等，比赛正在进行中。
The teams line up at the big [INAUDIBLE] half court for the jump ball.
各队在大[听不清]半场排队等待跳球。
My dad loses the jump.
我爸爸失去了跳跃能力。
The other team picks the ball up on the court, fires off a quick jumper that bounces off the rim.
另一支球队在场上接球，快速跳投，从篮筐上弹起。
My dad's team takes the ball down, and throws up a shot, and also misses.
我爸爸的球队把球拿下来，投了一个球，但也投丢了。
My dad grabs the rebound.
我爸爸抓住了篮板球。
Bobby Berry has it.
鲍比·贝瑞拥有它。
Emanuele Berry Bobby Berry-- that's my dad.
埃马努埃莱·贝里（Emanuele Berry）鲍比·贝里（Bobby Berry）——那是我爸爸。
The funny thing is that as he watches, he seems to forget that he knows how this game ends.
有趣的是，当他观看时，他似乎忘记了他知道这场比赛如何结束。
And he's watching it like any other game on TV.
他看比赛就像看电视上的其他比赛一样。
Come on.
快点。
Emanuele Berry My dad's team scores the first two baskets.
埃马努埃莱·贝里 (Emanuele Berry) 我父亲的球队前两个投篮得分。
It's 4-0.
比分是4-0。
But the lead doesn't seem to matter to him.
但领先对他来说似乎并不重要。
He's already down on himself.
他已经对自己很失望了。
Um, I don't go to the ball.
嗯，我不去参加舞会。
I go away from the ball.
我离开球。
Watch the ball come to this side.
看着球来到这边。
Now watch where I go-- opposite side of the ball.
现在看我去哪里——球的另一侧。
I start to say things like, it just started.
我开始说这样的话，一切才刚刚开始。
It's not that bad.
没那么糟糕。
I'm pointing out every good thing he does.
我会指出他所做的每一件事。
Look, you just got an offensive rebound.
看，你刚刚拿到了进攻篮板。
And I'm so busy talking, I almost miss the play that's haunted my dad.
我正忙着说话，几乎错过了困扰我父亲的那场戏。
[INAUDIBLE] Tony Daniel high post drives around his hand, puts it up-- no good.
[听不清]托尼·丹尼尔（Tony Daniel）高位突破他的手，将其举起 - 不好。
You got the board.
你拿到了董事会。
Bobby Berry There it is.
鲍比·贝瑞 就是这样。
You want to-- Bobby Berry [INAUDIBLE] No, I don't want to see it again.
你想要—— Bobby Berry [听不清] 不，我不想再看到它。
Once is enough.
一次就够了。
The play is over so quick.
戏这么快就结束了。
It's just a second on the screen.
屏幕上只显示了一秒钟。
And the thing is after that shot, his teammate rebounds the ball and puts it in.
事情是在那次投篮之后，他的队友抢到篮板并将球投进。
In other words, the miss-- it didn't matter.
换句话说，错过了——没关系。
They still score.
他们仍然得分。
But it did matter to my dad.
但这对我父亲来说确实很重要。
He never really recovers.
他从未真正康复。
And for the rest of the game, he misses shot after shot.
在接下来的比赛中，他一次又一次投丢了球。
Though it's not all bad.
虽然这也不全是坏事。
He makes a monster block on the next play.
他在下一场比赛中完成了一次怪物拦网。
Though watching, he barely seems to notice.
虽然在观察，但他似乎几乎没有注意到。
Next play down, he's fouled on the shot.
下一场比赛，他在投篮时犯规了。
So he gets two free throws.
所以他获得了两次罚球机会。
You made your free throw.
你罚球命中了。
Bobby Berry I missed a shot, two feet away.
鲍比·贝里（Bobby Berry）我在两英尺外投丢了一个球。
I keep trying to get him to see what his teammates saw.
我一直试图让他看看他的队友所看到的。
He won't.
他不会。
Yeah, I know.
是的，我知道。
That's the point.
这就是重点。
We lost.
我们输了。
At halftime, it's 22-21.
半场结束，比分是22-21。
My dad's team is up by one.
我爸爸的球队领先一分。
But by the second half, it's as if my dad remembers what he's watching and how it ends.
但到了下半场，我爸爸就好像记起了他在看什么以及它是如何结束的。
No more yelling, he just sort of sits hand over mouth, quiet.
他不再大喊大叫，只是用手捂住嘴，安静地坐着。
And this is where I start to think, wait, is he mad at me?
这就是我开始思考的地方，等等，他生我的气了吗？
I start to worry that this was a terrible idea.
我开始担心这是一个糟糕的主意。
This isn't going to make him feel better.
这不会让他感觉好一点。
Rather than think about one mistake in a game from 40 years ago, he can now watch 40 minutes of mistakes.
他现在可以观看 40 分钟的失误，而不是去想 40 年前一场比赛中的一个失误。
The game remains close.
比赛依然胶着。
And I can see what his teammates are saying about him being a beast.
我明白他的队友们都说他是野兽。
He's pulling down lots of rebounds.
他抢下了很多篮板。
He is the reason they're still in the game.
他是他们仍在比赛中的原因。
But he's not scoring much.
但他得分不多。
Then, in the fourth quarter, their opponent pulls ahead by just a few.
然后，到了第四节，对手仅领先几分。
And my dad's team can't catch up.
我爸爸的团队也追不上。
It's over.
结束了。
The camera shows one final moment of my dad.
镜头记录了我父亲的最后一刻。
It zooms in on him before he heads into the locker room.
在他走进更衣室之前，镜头放大了他。
He leans down, wrapping his arms around his coach, consoling him.
他弯下身子，用双臂搂住教练，安慰他。
My father at the kitchen table has far less compassion for himself.
我在餐桌上的父亲对自己的同情心要少得多。
How are you feeling?
你感觉怎么样？
Bobby Berry Uh, depressed.
鲍比·贝里 呃，郁闷。
But I can't do anything about it.
但我对此无能为力。
It's like I said.
就像我说的。
It's sad to see that game over again, that's for sure.
很遗憾看到这场比赛再次重演，这是肯定的。
And I didn't-- still, I feel the same way.
我没有——但我也有同样的感觉。
I felt that I did not play very well, the way I felt that I should.
我觉得我打得不太好，但我觉得我应该打得很好。
My dad finally got to see how this moment actually looked from the outside.
我父亲终于从外面看到了这一刻的实际情况。
And it didn't change anything for him.
这对他来说没有任何改变。
You can't imagine that things were different.
你无法想象事情会有所不同。
The tape proves the way I felt that I played is what the tape shows.
磁带证明了我演奏时的感觉就是磁带所显示的。
When we were watching, I worried that I'd upset my dad.
当我们看的时候，我担心我会让爸爸不高兴。
I had.
我有过。
Me?
我？
Bobby Berry Yes.
鲍比·贝里 是的。
Why are you making me watch this game?
你为什么要让我看这个比赛？
Does it make you that upset?
这会让你如此心烦意乱吗？
Bobby Berry I'm not upset.
鲍比·贝里 我并不难过。
It just reopens it, and making me revisit it is not necessarily making me--
它只是重新打开它，让我重新审视它并不一定会让我——
See, I think my hope was that by watching it, it would make you feel better.
看，我想我的希望是通过观看它会让你感觉更好。
Like, you could let go of it.
就像，你可以放弃它。
The only way I probably can ever let go of it is go back into time and reverse everything.
我可能能摆脱它的唯一方法就是回到过去并扭转一切。
And that's not going to happen.
但这不会发生。
I think that's probably what it would take.
我想这可能就是需要的。
I think it makes me upset that you feel upset or that you feel depressed about this.
我认为你对此感到不安或沮丧会让我感到不安。
Because it just--
因为它只是——
I know it's just a game.
我知道这只是一场游戏。
Emanuele Berry It's not that it's just a game.
Emanuele Berry 这不仅仅是一场游戏。
It's just that it's so long ago and that like, yes, it's sad--
只是那是很久以前的事了，就像，是的，这很悲伤——
Oh, believe me.
哦，相信我。
In my life, I'm a very blessed and happy man.
在我的生活中，我是一个非常幸福和幸福的人。
Well, that's it, though.
好吧，不过就是这样。
That's exactly it.
就是这样。
It just feels like this is such an insignificant thing to all of the great shit that you have going on in your life.
只是感觉这对于你生活中发生的所有伟大的事情来说是一件微不足道的事情。
Watch the language.
注意语言。
Emanuele Berry Sorry.
埃马努埃莱·贝里 抱歉。
My dad did point out one positive thing in the video that I couldn't have noticed.
我父亲确实在视频中指出了一件我没有注意到的积极的事情。
What did you say?
你说什么？
Bobby Berry I'm sorry, sir.
鲍比·贝里 对不起，先生。
What were you sorry for?
你有什么对不起的？
Bobby Berry Losing the game.
鲍比·贝里输掉了比赛。
Now I gotta go.
现在我得走了。
I never told anybody what I said to my coach.
我从未告诉过任何人我对教练说的话。
What did he say back?
他回复了什么？
Bobby Berry No, you played your ass off.
鲍比·贝里 不，你玩得太过瘾了。
At this point, we've been talking for close to an hour.
至此，我们已经聊了近一个小时了。
And I realized what I'm doing isn't working.
我意识到我正在做的事情是行不通的。
I've been keeping things positive, trying to make my dad see something else-- sugar coating it.
我一直保持积极的态度，试图让我父亲看到一些其他的东西——糖衣。
And you know what I hate?
你知道我讨厌什么吗？
I hate when people sugar coat things.
我讨厌人们给事情涂上糖衣。
The truth was, he was right.
事实是，他是对的。
He didn't play well.
他打得不好。
That dunk-- he really did pass the ball over the rim, instead of just dropping it in.
那次扣篮——他确实把球传过篮筐，而不是直接投进。
After that, he only scored three points.
此后他只得到三分。
He played exactly the way he told me not to play for most of my basketball career, hanging out around the basket, hands down.
他的打球方式与他告诉我在我的篮球生涯的大部分时间里不要打球的方式一模一样，毫无顾忌地在篮筐周围闲逛。
He missed easy put backs.
他错过了轻松的回击。
He did rebound well, but without him as a threat offensively, his team suffered.
他的篮板球表现不错，但如果没有他作为进攻威胁，他的球队就会遭受损失。
I think he's absolutely right.
我认为他是完全正确的。
If he'd played better, they would have won.
如果他打得更好，他们就会赢。
Maybe what he needed wasn't to see himself differently.
也许他需要的并不是以不同的方式看待自己。
What he needed was for someone to see him just the way he is.
他需要的是有人能看到他原本的样子。
I mean, to be frank, it was not a great game for you.
我的意思是，坦白说，这对你来说不是一场精彩的比赛。
It wasn't a great-- it was a horrible game for me.
这不是一场伟大的比赛——对我来说这是一场可怕的比赛。
But I wanted you to also see yourself play basketball.
但我希望你也能看到自己打篮球。
And I think I was hoping that it would be different than you imagined.
我想我希望它会与你想象的不同。
Why would you think that?
你为什么会这么想？
Emanuele Berry Because I always imagined that I played like shit.
Emanuele Berry 因为我一直以为我打得很糟糕。
[LAUGHS] And I like to think I don't look that bad on tape.
[笑]我喜欢认为我在录像带上看起来并没有那么糟糕。
Well, you see?
嗯，你明白了吗？
Emanuele Berry We chatted a little longer, my dad looking drained-- I think a little sad.
埃马努埃莱·贝里 我们又聊了一会儿，我爸爸看起来很疲惫——我觉得有点悲伤。
It was late, and the Raptors were about to play the Bucks.
天色已晚，猛龙队即将对阵雄鹿队。
So I left my dad to watch his game.
所以我离开我爸爸去看他的比赛。
I spent the evening pretending to read, but really, I was worried about what I just did.
我整个晚上都假装在读书，但实际上，我很担心自己刚刚做了什么。
The next morning, my dad told me he had something he wanted to say.
第二天早上，爸爸告诉我他有话要说。
You know, I actually felt a sense of relief after watching the game with you.
你知道，和你一起看完比赛后，我其实有一种如释重负的感觉。
I don't think I would've watched it, to tell you the truth.
说实话，我想我不会看它。
So getting through that with someone that you care and for them to sit there, and watch, and just be brutally honest, like you said, that I played like shit-- excuse my language.
所以，和你关心的人一起度过这一切，让他们坐在那儿，看着，残酷地诚实，就像你说的，我打得很糟糕——请原谅我的语言。
But those things are important.
但这些事情很重要。
And that's what I wanted, to talk to my dad about the important things.
这就是我想要的，和我父亲谈论重要的事情。
And since I started this conversation, we've been doing that more and more.
自从我开始这次对话以来，我们越来越多地这样做。
We've talked about his childhood in Mississippi, about his health, like how dialysis is so depleting, and about his own parents and how he sees them.
我们谈论了他在密西西比州的童年，谈论了他的健康状况，比如透析如何使人精疲力尽，还谈论了他自己的父母以及他如何看待他们。
Our conversations are not always this deep.
我们的谈话并不总是那么深入。
But you know what they're not always about?
但你知道它们并不总是关于什么吗？
They're not always about basketball.
它们并不总是与篮球有关。
Emanuele Berry is one of the producers of our show.
埃马努埃莱·贝里 (Emanuele Berry) 是我们节目的制片人之一。
A version of this story appeared on The Nod, a podcast that tells stories about black culture that you won't hear anywhere else.
这个故事的一个版本出现在 The Nod 播客上，该播客讲述了您在其他地方听不到的有关黑人文化的故事。
Like, LeVar Burton discussing the love life of black Star Trek characters.
就像勒瓦尔·伯顿讨论《星际迷航》黑人角色的爱情生活一样。
You can find The Nod wherever you get your podcasts.
无论您在哪里找到播客，都可以找到 The Nod。
Our program was produced today by Lina Misitzis and Nadia Reiman.
今天我们的节目由 Lina Misitzis 和 Nadia Reiman 制作。
Our staff includes Bim Adewunmi, Elna Baker, Emanuele Berry, Ben Calhoun, Zoe Chace, Dana Chivvis, Aviva DeKornfeld, Neil Drumming, [?
我们的员工包括 Bim Adewunmi、Elna Baker、Emanuele Berry、Ben Calhoun、Zoe Chace、Dana Chivvis、Aviva DeKornfeld、Neil Drumming、[？
Hillary ?] [?
希拉里？] [？
Elkins, ?] [?
埃尔金斯，？] [？
Damien ?] [?
达米安？] [？
Grave, ?] [?
坟墓，？] [？
Michelle ?] [?
米歇尔？] [？
Harris, ?] Seth Lind, Miki Meek, Stowe Nelson, [?
哈里斯，？] 塞思·林德，米基·米克，斯托·尼尔森，[？
Katherine ?] [?
凯瑟琳？] [？
Raimondo, ?] Robyn Semien, Christopher Swetala, Matt Tierney, and Nancy Updike.
雷蒙多，？]罗宾·塞米恩、克里斯托弗·斯韦塔拉、马特·蒂尔尼和南希·厄普代克。
Our managing editor is Diane Wu.
我们的总编辑是 Diane Wu。
Executive editor, David Kestenbaum.
执行主编，大卫·凯斯滕鲍姆。
Special thanks today to Dr. Cindy Cisneros-McGilvery, Jayson Haedrich, Rob Howes, Trevar Cushing, Tyler Rickstrew, Aurelie Hagen, Farley Chase, Eileen Berry, Tony Daniels, Jorge Just, and Sam Greenspan.
今天特别感谢 Cindy Cisneros-McGilvery 博士、Jayson Haedrich、Rob Howes、Trevar Cushing、Tyler Rickstrew、Aurelie Hagen、Farley Chase、Eileen Berry、Tony Daniels、Jorge Just 和 Sam Greenspan。
Our website, ThisAmericanLife.org, where you can stream our archive of over 600 episodes for absolutely free-- ThisAmericanLife.org.
我们的网站 ThisAmericanLife.org，您可以在这里完全免费地播放我们的 600 多集档案 - ThisAmericanLife.org。
This American Life is delivered to public radio stations by PRX, the Public Radio Exchange.
《美国生活》由公共广播电台 PRX 向公共广播电台播出。
Thanks, as always, to my boss, Ira Glass.
一如既往地感谢我的老板艾拉·格拉斯 (Ira Glass)。
So this is weird.
所以这很奇怪。
I called him to ask him about the show this week.
我打电话给他询问本周演出的情况。
And he was at the beach with his pet donkey.
他和他的宠物驴在海滩上。
And I'm like, what are you doing?
我说，你在做什么？
And he's like--
他就像——
Coconut oil on that ass now.
现在把椰子油涂在屁股上了。
Sean Cole I'm Sean Cole.
肖恩·科尔 我是肖恩·科尔。
Ira will be back next week with more stories of This American Life.
艾拉将于下周带着更多《美国生活》的故事回来。
This American Life is produced in collaboration with WBEZ Chicago and delivered to stations by PRX The Public Radio Exchange.
《This American Life》与 WBEZ Chicago 合作制作，并由 PRX 公共广播电台传送到各电台。