646: The Secret of My Death - This American Life
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00:00 00:00 Transcript Share This American Life Life Partners How to Listen Episodes Recommended About Overview Staff Announcements Fellowships Jobs Music Make Radio On The Road FAQ Submissions Merch Contact Us Our Other Shows Merch Follow Us Life Partners Subscribe to our newsletter Full episode Toggle Audio and Transcript Sync Transcript | Episode #646 | September 11, 2026 646: The Secret of My Death Note: This American Life is produced for the ear and designed to be heard.
00:00 00:00 文字记录 分享此 美国生活 生活伙伴 如何收听 剧集 推荐 关于 概述 员工公告 奖学金 工作 音乐 在路上制作电台 常见问题解答 提交 商品 联系我们 我们的其他节目 商品 关注我们 生活伙伴 订阅我们的时事通讯 整集 切换音频和文字记录同步 文字记录 | 内容第 646 集 | 2026 年 9 月 11 日 646：我的死亡笔记的秘密：《美国生活》是为耳朵而制作的，旨在让人们听到。
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如果可以的话，我们强烈建议您收听音频，其中包括页面上没有的情感和重点。
Transcripts are generated using a combination of speech recognition software and human transcribers, and may contain errors.
文字记录是使用语音识别软件和人工转录员结合生成的，可能包含错误。
Please check the corresponding audio before quoting in print.
请在印刷版引用前检查相应的音频。
Prologue: Prologue Ira Glass Graeme grew up in a working class town north of England.
序言：序言 艾拉·格拉斯·格雷姆 (Ira Glass Graeme) 在英格兰北部的一个工人阶级小镇长大。
And when he was 11 or 12, his family moved into one of the first houses in a new development that was being built.
当他 11 或 12 岁时，他的家人搬进了正在建设的新开发项目中的第一批房屋之一。
It was kind of hitting the jackpot for him at that age.
对于那个年纪的他来说，这简直就是中了大奖。
Because all around everywhere were homes under construction, which-- I remember this from construction sites in our neighborhood when I was a kid-- was so incredibly fun.
因为到处都是在建的房屋，我记得小时候在我们附近的建筑工地上看到过这种情况，这真是太有趣了。
This is Graeme.
这是格雷姆。
Graeme So I would climb on the scaffolding, do a bit of kind of amateur gymnastics, but also build stuff.
格雷姆所以我会爬上脚手架，做一些业余体操，但也会建造东西。
And the big thing amongst us kids was lighting fires.
我们孩子们最重要的事情就是生火。
And there was tar paper was one thing that burned very nicely.
焦油纸是一种燃烧得非常好的东西。
There was actually all kinds of trouble get into.
实际上遇到了各种各样的麻烦。
Bricks and boards to play with and wet concrete to write in.
可以玩的砖块和木板，以及可以写字的湿混凝土。
They'd find food the workers left, and cigarettes, which they would smoke.
他们会找到工人们留下的食物和香烟，然后抽起来。
Once they found a porn magazine.
有一次他们发现了一本色情杂志。
And one day, Graeme was there alone, and he had this great idea.
有一天，格雷姆独自一人在那里，他有了一个好主意。
He put together a little makeshift seesaw-- or as he calls it, a teeter totter-- with a plank of wood balanced on a brick at the center.
他组装了一个临时搭建的小跷跷板——或者用他的话说，跷跷板——中间有块木板平衡在一块砖上。
He put another brick on one end of the plank.
他在木板的一端放了另一块砖。
And his idea was to drop something really heavy-- really, really heavy-- onto the other end of the plank from a great height to find out just how far he could send that brick catapulting into space.
他的想法是把一些非常重的东西——非常非常重——从很高的地方扔到木板的另一端，看看他能把那块砖弹射到太空多远。
So to accomplish this, he set up his teeter totter by some scaffolding.
为了实现这一目标，他用脚手架搭起了跷跷板。
So I climbed up on the scaffolding.
于是我就爬上了脚手架。
And I carried up this kind of massive piece of curbing stone.
我搬起了一块巨大的路缘石。
I'm guessing around 25 pounds.
我猜大约25磅。
So you are how high up?
那么你的地位有多高呢？
Graeme Probably at the sort of second floor window level.
格雷姆 可能在二楼窗户的高度。
So what?
所以呢？
15 feet, 12 feet.
15英尺，12英尺。
He carefully tries to line up the stone directly above the near end of the seesaw below down on the ground.
他小心翼翼地尝试将石头直接排列在下面地面上跷跷板近端的上方。
And then he dropped the stone.
然后他扔下了石头。
It landed perfectly.
它完美着陆。
I really had lined this up pretty well.
我确实把这个安排得很好。
And the brick launched.
砖块启动了。
And the following few moments are probably the most vivid memory I have of my childhood.
接下来的几个瞬间可能是我对童年最生动的记忆。
I was obviously watching to see what the brick would do, because that was the experiment really, to sort of follow that in its journey.
显然，我正在观察这块砖块会做什么，因为这确实是一个实验，在它的旅程中遵循它。
But the brick, it didn't move at all like he thought.
但那块砖头，却并没有像他想象的那样动起来。
He thought it was going to arc into the air like a rocket.
他认为它会像火箭一样划向空中。
Instead, it just seemed to be getting bigger and bigger.
相反，它似乎变得越来越大。
I now have an image in my head of this brick just getting larger and larger as it headed right towards my face.
现在我脑子里有这样一个画面：这块砖头正朝我的脸冲去，变得越来越大。
I even remember very vividly that the construction of the brick had three circular holes in it.
我什至清楚地记得，砖块的结构上有三个圆孔。
And I can still picture them now as they headed towards me.
现在我仍然可以想象他们朝我走来的情景。
Yes, very much so.
是的，非常如此。
I feel like that memory is minutes when obviously, it was just not even a second.
我觉得那段记忆只有几分钟，但显然，那甚至不是一秒钟。
So I, I believe, instinctively jerked my head back as this brick came directly towards my face.
所以，我相信，当这块砖头直接朝我的脸来时，我本能地把头向后一仰。
And I have a very clear memory of the kind of sound and the wind.
而且我对那种声音和风的记忆非常清晰。
And even, I believe, the brick, as it flew past me, flicked my fringe.
我相信，甚至当砖头飞过我身边时，也弹开了我的刘海。
The fringe of your hair?
你头发的边缘？
Graeme Yeah, and it sort of whistled as it went.
格雷姆 是的，它一边走一边发出口哨声。
Even when I throw my dog's ball now, which has a little whistle device in it, that memory comes back to me.
即使当我现在扔出我的狗的球时，里面有一个小口哨装置，那段记忆又回到了我的脑海中。
This moment was stunning.
这一刻真是令人惊叹。
Like nothing like this had ever happened to him.
就像这样的事从来没有发生在他身上一样。
And I remember having to sit down for actually quite a few minutes to recover.
我记得实际上必须坐下来好几分钟才能恢复。
I really felt like, probably for the first time, that I was inches away from death.
我真的感觉，可能是第一次，我离死亡只有几英寸的距离。
And I remember walking home in some state of shock afterwards.
我记得事后我带着某种震惊的心情走回家。
I used to wonder if the brick had actually hit me and killed me, maybe I'd fallen off the scaffolding or something.
我曾经想知道砖头是否真的击中了我并杀死了我，也许我从脚手架上掉了下来或者什么的。
I used to wonder whether the crime scene investigators came to look, what would they make of the whole setup?
我曾经想知道犯罪现场调查员是否来查看，他们会对整个设置有何看法？
Would they even understand what had happened?
他们能明白发生了什么吗？
(LAUGHING) Right.
（笑）对。
Like you got hit by a brick.
就像你被砖头砸中一样。
Like where did it come from?
比如它是从哪里来的？
Yeah.
是的。
This dead child, who laying in a building site-- there was the teeter totter there, but I even had this sort of vision of what if my body fell forward and destroyed the little structure that I had made down there?
这个死去的孩子，躺在一个建筑工地上——那里摇摇欲坠，但我什至有这样的幻象：如果我的身体向前倒下，毁掉了我在那里搭建的小建筑怎么办？
And how did I get hit under the chin with a brick?
我的下巴是怎么被砖头砸到的？
And where's the brick?
砖头在哪里？
What the forensics would have made of the whole set up.
法医会对整个装置进行怎样的分析。
That's the thing, right?
就是这样，对吧？
Your own death, that is not bad enough on its own.
你自己的死，本身还不够糟糕。
There's the whole question of the forensics afterwards, what people will make of it.
这就是事后取证的整个问题，人们会如何看待它。
It's weird to think that they'll stare at the scene of your death, look at the objects scattered around you, and get it all wrong, and get you wrong.
奇怪的是，他们会盯着你死亡的现场，看着你周围散落的物体，然后全都错了，也错了你。
That's the bigger thing, right?
这是更大的事情，对吧？
The bigger question after you're gone isn't just how it happened, but you, your motives, your state of mind, what to make of you, and your whole life, your good qualities, your bad ones.
你离开后更大的问题不仅仅是事情是如何发生的，而是你、你的动机、你的心态、你的人生、你的好品质、你的坏品质。
Today on our program, we have three stories of people who embark on this kind of forensics for beginners trying to understand somebody's death, bumbling their way through whatever scraps of evidence they can get their hands on, old text messages, handwritten notes, stuff that, frankly, seems so puny compared to the task at hand.
今天，在我们的节目中，我们讲述了三个故事，故事中的人们开始为初学者进行这种取证，试图了解某人的死亡，他们摸索着摸索他们能得到的任何证据碎片，旧短信，手写笔记，坦率地说，与手头的任务相比，这些东西似乎微不足道。
WBEZ Chicago, it's "This American Life." I'm Ira Glass.
WBEZ 芝加哥，这就是“美国生活”。我是艾拉·格拉斯。
Stay with us.
留在我们身边。
Act One: Dear Dealer Ira Glass So we begin today with a woman whose sister has died and she has questions.
第一幕：亲爱的经销商艾拉·格拉斯 今天我们从一位女士开始，她的姐姐去世了，她有一些问题。
The woman's name is Nadia Bowers, and she wrote this to somebody who she thinks might be of help.
这位女士的名字叫纳迪亚·鲍尔斯 (Nadia Bowers)，她把这封信写给了她认为可能有帮助的人。
Quick warning for people listening to the podcast of our show, we've unbeeped some curse words in here.
对收听我们节目播客的人们发出快速警告，我们已经取消了这里的一些脏话。
If you prefer a beeped version of today's program, it's at our website.
如果您喜欢今天节目的嘟嘟声版本，请访问我们的网站。
Anyway, here's Nadia.
无论如何，这是娜迪亚。
Dear Dealer.
亲爱的经销商。
Hey, man.
嘿，伙计。
What's up?
这是怎么回事？
I'm saying "man" because that's my guess as to what you are.
我说“男人”是因为这是我对你的猜测。
All the people blowing up my sister's phone offering and seeking drugs were men-- Brian, Jerry, Eric, and my personal favorite, baby Jesus.
所有炸毁我姐姐的电话并寻求毒品的人都是男人——布莱恩、杰瑞、埃里克，还有我个人最喜欢的宝贝耶稣。
I can make a graph charting the meeting of particular men with misfortune for my sister.
我可以制作一张图表，记录与我妹妹遭遇不幸的特定男人的会面。
It's a safe bet you're just another data point, one among many, part of a pattern.
可以肯定的是，您只是另一个数据点，是众多数据点中的一个，是模式的一部分。
But distinguished because you're the last data point.
但很突出，因为你是最后一个数据点。
You're the one who killed her.
你就是杀了她的人。
And Dealer-- it just seemed like the right title for you since I don't know your name.
还有经销商——这个头衔似乎很适合你，因为我不知道你的名字。
We can be informal here, right?
我们在这里可以非正式一点，对吧？
You don't have to call me Miss or Mrs. Definitely don't call me Ma'am.
你不必叫我小姐或夫人。绝对不要叫我女士。
My sister called me Nad.
我姐姐叫我纳德。
My sister's Sasha, who I believe you knew.
我姐姐是萨莎，我相信你认识她。
What did you call her?
你叫她什么？
I hope you didn't call her Sash, because that's what a lot of people who loved her called her, and I find it hard to believe that you loved her.
我希望你没有叫她莎什，因为很多爱她的人都这样称呼她，我很难相信你爱她。
Did you know her well enough to care for her, or did you hardly know her?
你足够了解她，能够关心她，还是根本不了解她？
When we were little, we sometimes called one another after the food we give our cats.
当我们小的时候，我们有时会在给猫喂食后互相打电话。
She was Tender Vittle, and I was Chef's Blend.
她是 Tender Vittle，我是 Chef's Blend。
Did you even call her by her name?
你甚至叫过她的名字吗？
Or was it Lady?
或者是女士？
Or maybe you had a nickname for her like purple, the color of her car, the one she was found in.
或者你可能给她起了个昵称，比如紫色，她的车的颜色，她被发现时乘坐的那辆车。
Keeping with our informal tone, I won't call you Mr. I'll just call you "my man," because that is what you are.
按照我们非正式的语气，我不会叫你先生。我只会叫你“我的男人”，因为你就是这样。
You are my man, the one I want to talk to, the one I'm seeking, the only one who knows some very important things about how my sister died.
你是我的男人，是我想与之交谈的人，是我正在寻找的人，也是唯一一个知道我姐姐的死因的一些非常重要的事情的人。
You are quite possibly the last person who saw her alive, and I'm a little jealous.
你很可能是最后一个见到她活着的人，我有点嫉妒。
As for me, you don't have to call me by my name.
至于我，你不必直呼我的名字。
You can just call me "The Sister."
你可以叫我“姐姐”。
I think about you all the time, almost every day.
我几乎每天都在想你。
I feel like I deserve to know you, like I deserve the have at least five minutes of your time, five minutes alone with you.
我觉得我应该认识你，就像我应该有至少五分钟的时间，与你单独相处五分钟。
This is me tying you to a chair so we can think about some things together.
这是我把你绑在椅子上，这样我们就可以一起思考一些事情。
Are you still alive?
你还活着吗？
I feel like you are, and I'm angry about that.
我感觉你就是这样，我对此很生气。
But then if I learned who you were and that you were dead, I might be angry about that too.
但如果我知道你是谁并且你已经死了，我可能也会对此生气。
I think about hurting you.
我想伤害你。
And when I imagine the violence I could commit, it alarms me.
当我想象我可能实施的暴力时，我感到震惊。
It's important to me that you know some things.
你知道一些事情对我来说很重要。
I want you to see who you messed with, know who you destroyed.
我想让你看看你惹了谁，知道你毁了谁。
Sasha was the valedictorian of her high school class.
萨莎是她高中班级的告别演说者。
She studied psychology at Yale.
她在耶鲁大学学习心理学。
She was bold.
她很大胆。
I was her apprentice.
我是她的徒弟。
She gave me my taste in music.
她给了我音乐品味。
Riding around in her Ford Escort, she'd slip in a cassette, explaining the difference between Funkadelic and Parliament.
她开着她的福特护卫车四处走动，随身携带一盒磁带，解释芬卡德利克和议会之间的区别。
One of my most prized possessions is a cassette tape where we taped ourselves on mushrooms sitting in my room.
我最珍贵的财产之一是一盘盒式磁带，我们把自己录音在我房间里的蘑菇上。
I was a senior in high school.
我当时是一名高中生。
She was home from college for Christmas vacation.
她从大学回家过圣诞假期。
That's Sasha asking me what I'm laughing at.
萨莎问我在笑什么。
"Nothing," I tell her.
“没什么，”我告诉她。
We stared as my grandmother's watercolors on my wall started to blur.
我们凝视着墙上祖母的水彩画开始变得模糊。
Oh my God.
我的天啊。
It's like-- you know what it looks like right now?
就像——你知道现在是什么样子吗？
It really looks like it's like all these different planes, like these different [?
它看起来真的就像所有这些不同的平面，就像这些不同的[？
dominions.
领土。
?]
？]
We burned Nag Champa incense and cracked ourselves up about things we called social experiments.
我们烧Nag Champa香，并为我们称之为社会实验的事情而大笑。
These were basically fantasies about ways we could be completely inappropriate in situations where certain contained behavior was expected, like the public library.
这些基本上是关于我们在公共图书馆等预期有某些特定行为的情况下完全不合适的幻想。
And if you [INAUDIBLE] like the library, and I pulled all the books off the shelves.
如果你[听不清]喜欢图书馆，我就把书架上的所有书都撤下来了。
That's me screaming.
那是我在尖叫。
Nadia Strange, they're like weirding out or something.
纳迪亚·斯特兰奇，他们就像是怪异之类的。
Like what are doing?
比如在做什么？
What are you doing?
你在干什么？
What do you mean?
你是什么意思？
Huh?
啊？
Huh?
啊？
[LAUGHTER] Nadia When I listen to the tape, I hear a self-assured Sasha.
[笑声] Nadia 当我听磁带时，我听到了自信的 Sasha。
She's in control.
她掌控一切。
I'm her little sister, overjoyed to have her full attention, trying to impress her with my wisdom, and also be her court jester.
我是她的妹妹，很高兴能得到她的全部关注，试图用我的智慧给她留下深刻的印象，同时也成为她的宫廷小丑。
Sasha tells me a story about this horse she knew that she called a total bitch.
萨莎给我讲了一个关于这匹马的故事，她知道她称之为十足的母狗。
She's just full of snot.
她只是充满了鼻涕。
Nadia --not safe to have around people.
纳迪亚——与人在一起并不安全。
And then this girl from the Special Olympics showed up in the barn and threw her arms around the horse's neck, and the horse stayed calm.
然后这个来自特奥会的女孩出现在马厩里，用双臂搂住马的脖子，马保持平静。
It was like right on her shoulder, and everybody was like [GASPS] waiting for it to take a bite out of this chick.
它就像就在她的肩膀上，每个人都像[喘气]等待它咬这只小鸡。
And it was like she knew.
就好像她知道一样。
She just like sat there.
她就喜欢坐在那里。
Oh, yeah.
哦，是的。
That's why it was so cool that she didn't.
这就是为什么她没有这样做太酷了。
That is so-- Sasha I bet she did kind know that this wasn't the right time to be an asshole.
是这样的——萨莎我敢打赌她确实知道现在不是当混蛋的好时机。
No, I didn't-- Nadia "Is there ever a good time to be an asshole?" I'm asking her.
不，我没有—— Nadia “有做混蛋的好时机吗？”我在问她。
I've done the math.
我已经算过。
And as of March 11, 2018, at 6:49 PM, I have lived longer than my sister.
截至2018年3月11日下午6点49分，我的寿命比我姐姐长。
I have walked the earth more seconds than my big sister, who was born 2 and 1/2 years before me.
我在地球上行走的时间比我的姐姐多，她比我早出生 2 又 1/2 年。
This does not make sense.
这没有道理。
You have knocked the universe off course.
你已经让宇宙偏离了轨道。
My husband would say, "Take it easy, Encyclopedia Brown," as he watched me walk around with her phone trying to reconstruct her last days, reading texts, listening to messages, making notes.
当我丈夫看着我拿着手机走来走去，试图重现她最后的日子，阅读短信，听消息，做笔记时，我丈夫会说：“别紧张，布朗百科全书”。
Trying to figure out who you are, my man.
试图弄清楚你是谁，我的朋友。
I was hoping to finally understand the part of her life that she refused to share with me at the end.
我希望最终能了解她最后拒绝与我分享的那部分生活。
It infuriated me that she kept getting texts after she died, like this one from Brian.
令我愤怒的是，她死后不断收到短信，比如布莱恩发来的短信。
"Hey, any of the shirts around?" My hand shaking, I responded, "You should fuck off.
“嘿，周围有衬衫吗？”我的手颤抖着，回答道：“你该滚蛋了。
This is Sasha's sister, and she died.
这是萨莎的妹妹，她死了。
Go get your drugs somewhere else, you piece of shit." Or this one from Franky, "Any news?
去别处把你的毒品拿走吧，你这个混蛋。”或者弗兰基的这则消息：“有消息吗？
Got Sleepies." When there was no response, he wrote, "Must be dead." I wrote back to Franky.
有瞌睡了。”当没有回应时，他写道：“一定死了。”我回信给弗兰基。
"Actually, she is dead.
“事实上，她已经死了。
Fuck off.
滚蛋吧。
This is her sister.
这是她的妹妹。
You'll have to fucking get your drugs somewhere else."
你他妈的得去别的地方拿到你的毒品。”
So my man, are you one of the guys she talked to and texted with on her last day?
那么我的朋友，你是她最后一天与之交谈和发短信的人之一吗？
Are you the ex-boyfriend who kept harassing her, the one who introduced her to Oxycontin?
你是那个一直骚扰她、给她介绍奥施康定的前男友吗？
That guy?
那个家伙？
Are you the friend who told me how sorry he was that Sasha died, and that it was a hot day, and maybe her windows were rolled up, and she suffocated during a nap in her car?
你是那个告诉我他对萨莎去世感到多么遗憾的朋友吗？那天很热，也许她的车窗是摇起来的，她在车里小睡时窒息而死？
Are you one of those friends I ran into who didn't have the decency to show up for her memorial?
你是我遇到的那些没有礼貌出席她追悼会的朋友之一吗？
One of those people?
其中之一？
Were you feeling guilty about something?
你是否对某件事感到内疚？
Here's something that's been eating at me for a while.
这件事一直困扰着我一段时间。
I read that you actually don't mind when people die from something you were selling because it tells the hardcore users that the high is really powerful.
我读到，你实际上并不介意人们死于你所销售的东西，因为它告诉铁杆用户，高潮真的很强大。
The high of heroin mixed with fentanyl-- fentanyl, which is up to 100 times more potent than morphine, 100 times more potent than the drug given to my father when he was dying from cancer.
海洛因与芬太尼混合而成的高浓度芬太尼，其药效比吗啡强100倍，比我父亲死于癌症时服用的药物强100倍。
So a death from this stuff is like a calling card, is that true?
所以死于这种东西就像一张名片，是真的吗？
Did my sister's obituary bring in business for you?
我姐姐的讣告给你带来了生意吗？
I have a friend who's a Jehovah's Witness.
我有一个朋友，他是耶和华见证人。
And she told me that in the Resurrection, I'll be able to hold my sister like I used to and speak to her like nothing happened.
她告诉我，在复活时，我将能够像以前一样抱着我的妹妹，并像什么都没发生一样与她说话。
I like this idea, but I can't get myself to believe it.
我喜欢这个想法，但我无法让自己相信它。
Her body was burned, cremated at 1,800 degrees.
她的尸体在1800度的高温下被火化。
I don't like picturing that, but I do.
我不喜欢想象那样的景象，但我喜欢。
Aside from my own body, hers is probably the other female body I knew the best.
除了我自己的身体之外，她的身体可能是我最熟悉的另一个女性身体了。
Lean, taut, muscular.
瘦、紧、肌肉发达。
She rode horses.
她骑马。
She was fearless, always wanting to ride the ones that were trouble.
她无所畏惧，总是想骑那些有麻烦的人。
She could lose her saddle and gallop at a flat run like a wild woman, gripping the horse's mane with her hand.
她可以丢掉马鞍，像个野女人一样，用手抓住马鬃，在平地奔跑。
Her leg muscles were iron cables.
她的腿部肌肉是铁索。
She used to put me in the vise, a move inspired by our love of the WWF wrestlers.
她曾经把我置于虎钳之下，这一举动的灵感来自于我们对世界自然基金会摔跤手的热爱。
She would wrap her brawny legs around me and squeeze until I almost couldn't breathe.
她会用她粗壮的双腿搂住我，挤压我，直到我几乎无法呼吸。
My mother always called Sasha "the daughter with a bleeding heart." At one point when she was working in New Haven, you would walk down the street with her, and she knew all the homeless people by name.
我母亲总是称萨莎为“心在流血的女儿”。有一次，当她在纽黑文工作时，你会和她一起走在街上，她知道所有无家可归者的名字。
If you were driving with her, she would jerk the car to the side of the road, get out, leaving the car door swinging open, and call to the man or woman to see if they were OK, if they needed anything.
如果你和她一起开车，她会把车猛地拉到路边，下车，让车门开着，然后打电话给那个男人或女人，看看他们是否还好，是否需要什么。
That was her life's work.
那是她毕生的事业。
She was actually a clinical social worker with two master's degrees in social work and public health.
她实际上是一名临床社会工作者，拥有社会工作和公共卫生两个硕士学位。
For the last five or so years of her life, she had trouble keeping jobs.
在她生命的最后五年左右的时间里，她很难保住工作。
She had trouble committing to anything.
她很难承诺做任何事情。
"The daughter with a bleeding heart." Her autopsy report says that her heart weighed 360 grams.
“心在滴血的女儿。”她的尸检报告称她的心脏重360克。
When I had to identify her body, the edges of the sheet she lay on were pink from her watered down blood, the watered down blood of her compassionate, bleeding heart.
当我必须辨认她的尸体时，她躺在床上的床单边缘因她被稀释的血液而呈现出粉红色，她富有同情心、流血的心被稀释的血液。
They should have cleaned up better, cleaned her up better.
他们应该更好地清理，更好地清理她。
Though I caught myself thinking how perfect her eyebrows were.
尽管我发现自己在想她的眉毛是多么完美。
How old are you?
你今年多大？
Were you my sisters age?
你们是我姐妹们的年纪吗？
Younger?
更年轻？
Did you know she was 44?
你知道她44岁了吗？
Maybe that seems old to you, but it's not.
也许这对你来说似乎很旧，但事实并非如此。
She looked older since she started using.
自从她开始使用以来，她看起来更老了。
But before, before, my man, she was gorgeous, sexy.
但在之前，在之前，我的男人，她是华丽、性感的。
She probably met you at your place, or the Taco Bell parking lot in her filthy car, baseball cap, picked at skin, too much eyeliner.
她很可能是在你家或塔可钟停车场遇见你的，她开着她肮脏的汽车，戴着棒球帽，皮肤被抓破，眼线画得太多。
So maybe you could never imagine that, but she was.
所以也许你永远无法想象这一点，但她是。
Ask anyone who knew her.
问问任何认识她的人。
Ask the multitude of men who knew her.
询问众多认识她的男人。
Ask the ones I would like to line up against a wall execution style and actually execute.
询问那些我想靠墙执行风格并实际执行的人。
Ask her first mind fuck of a boyfriend at age 14, and the obsessive one that followed in high school.
问问她 14 岁时第一次对男朋友的意念操，以及高中时的那次痴迷。
Ask the professors, married men, random men, apparent friends, the one who first gave her crack then Oxycontin.
问问教授、已婚男人、随机的男人、表面上的朋友、第一个给她服用可卡因、然后是奥施康定的人。
Ask her coach who slept with the young women on his team and pulled her into a coke-fueled party scene while she was still a teenager.
问问她的教练，当她还是个十几岁的时候，他就和球队中的年轻女性上床，并把她拉进了可乐派对场景。
He denies all this today.
今天他否认了这一切。
I find myself fixated on the men.
我发现自己对男人很着迷。
They circle her memory like these loser, dead beat ghosts or something.
他们就像那些失败者、死气沉沉的鬼魂什么的一样围绕着她的记忆。
How dare they have the nerve to be alive.
他们哪有勇气活下去。
A year after Sasha died, after visiting her grave on a summer day, I drove through the center of our hometown.
萨莎去世一年后，在一个夏日，我参观了她的坟墓后，开车穿过我们家乡的中心。
By the town green, there was a cluster of boys and girls not yet high school age.
小镇的绿地旁，聚集着一群还不到高中年龄的男孩和女孩。
The boys were on their BMX's doing tricks, riding down a little hill.
男孩们骑着小轮车从一座小山上滑下来，表演特技。
The girls were all clumped together watching these young peacocks strut their stuff, knowing their job was to sit there and be impressed.
女孩们都聚集在一起，看着这些小孔雀炫耀她们的东西，她们知道她们的工作就是坐在那里，留下深刻的印象。
They were nearly silent, whispering among themselves while the boys were having all the fun.
当孩子们玩得很开心时，他们几乎保持沉默，互相窃窃私语。
I drove by them and shocked myself by rolling down the window and yelling, "Girls, get a backbone.
我开车经过他们身边，摇下车窗大喊：“姑娘们，有骨气吧。”
They are not that cool." I worried what my sister's death was doing to me.
他们没那么酷。”我担心姐姐的死对我造成什么影响。
What was your day like today, your day as a dealer?
作为经销商，您今天过得怎么样？
There's so much heroin and fentanyl on the streets these days, I'm pretty sure you're crushing it, as the kids say.
这些天街上有这么多海洛因和芬太尼，我很确定你正在消灭它，就像孩子们说的那样。
On the radio, I heard the chief medical examiner for Connecticut actually get choked up about how they need to build new buildings just to keep up with all the dead bodies from overdoses.
在广播中，我听到康涅狄格州的首席法医实际上感到哽咽，因为他们需要建造新的建筑物才能跟上所有因服药过量而死亡的尸体。
A grown man who sees dead bodies for a living cried.
一个以看见尸体为生的成年男子哭了。
You, my man, are powerful.
你，我的男人，很强大。
Is that how you feel?
你是这样的感觉吗？
A few days before she died, Sasha sent me a silly text.
在她去世前几天，萨莎给我发了一条愚蠢的短信。
There had been an incident about a week and a half before at my mother's house, where she had been hosting a cookout for friends.
大约一个半星期前，在我母亲家里发生了一起事件，当时她正在那里为朋友们举办野餐活动。
Sasha showed up in bad shape, slurring her words, fighting off drowsiness.
萨莎的状态很糟糕，她说话含糊不清，强忍着睡意。
I forbade her to use some combination charcoal gas grill because I thought she was going to blow us all up.
我禁止她使用组合木炭燃气烧烤炉，因为我认为她会把我们都炸死。
There was a fight.
有一场打斗。
She felt wrongly accused and was crying a lot.
她感到自己受到了错误的指责，哭了很多次。
I tried to get her to talk to me about what was really going on, and that went nowhere.
我试图让她跟我谈谈到底发生了什么，但毫无结果。
My mom confronted her with some hard evidence, a text I saw ding on to her phone.
我妈妈向她提出了一些确凿的证据，我在她的手机上看到了一条短信。
Sasha did this thing when she knew she was caught.
萨莎知道自己被捕后做了这件事。
She would stare hard into your eyes while she sized you up.
当她打量你的时候，她会紧紧地盯着你的眼睛。
What did you know for sure?
你确定知道什么？
What could she convince you of?
她能说服你什么？
What could she get away with admitting without completely throwing herself under the bus?
如果她承认了这一点，又不至于彻底陷入困境，她能逃脱什么惩罚呢？
Eventually she just sort of faded away into the next room, trying to clear the table, but knocking things over instead.
最终，她只是消失在隔壁房间，试图清理桌子，但却把东西打翻了。
I was still holding a grudge about it, but I was happy to get her innocuous text asking if I remember the drawing in our middle school French books that went with the word "faible," meaning "weak." It looked like a man with no bones making a face like he had just eaten something distastefully bland.
我仍然对此怀恨在心，但很高兴收到她无伤大雅的短信，问我是否还记得我们中学法语课本上的那张图画，上面有“faible”这个词，意思是“软弱”。看上去就像是一个没有骨头的人，脸上的表情就像是刚刚吃了一些淡而无味的东西。
Growing up, my sister delighted in imitating the man, "Faible," and making me crack up.
在我的成长过程中，我姐姐很喜欢模仿“Faible”这个男人，这让我笑得很开心。
She did it so often, it was such a staple in our repertoire, that I thought it was odd that she would even have to ask if I remembered.
她经常这样做，这是我们剧目中的主要内容，我觉得她甚至不得不问我是否记得很奇怪。
But this was our pattern.
但这就是我们的模式。
There would be an incident.
将会发生事件。
Then after things subsided, she would reach out, and we would both be happy to not have to deal with the larger issue.
事情平息后，她会伸出援手，我们都会很高兴不必处理更大的问题。
But each time, I knew I was being roped into denial.
但每一次，我都知道自己被迫否认。
I was less willing this time, and I held out on writing her back.
这次我不太愿意，所以没有给她回信。
I wanted to punish her a little more, show her I wasn't a pushover.
我想多惩罚她一点，让她知道我不是一个容易屈服的人。
But this thought came to me strongly.
但我强烈地想到了这个想法。
"You don't want that to be the last text she ever sends you.
“你不希望这是她给你发的最后一条短信。
Read the subtext.
阅读潜台词。
She may need you.
她可能需要你。
And you need to let her know that you love her." I never texted Sasha back.
你需要让她知道你爱她。”我从来没有给萨莎回过短信。
I waited too long.
我等得太久了。
After she died, I looked at the texts in her phone from the night of that cookout, the night we fought about whether she was on drugs.
她去世后，我查看了她手机里的那次野餐当晚的短信，那天晚上我们为她是否吸毒而争吵。
She wrote a friend, "How do I not hate my sister?
她写信给朋友说：“我怎么能不恨我的妹妹呢？
My family truly hates me.
我的家人真的很讨厌我。
I don't want to talk anymore." Her friend wrote back, "Damn.
我不想再说话了。”她的朋友回信说：“该死。
Nadia, the fucking narc."
纳迪亚，那个该死的缉毒犯。”
Seeing the word "hate" in association with me knocked the wind out of me.
看到“恨”这个词与我联系在一起，我感到很沮丧。
I wanted to yell at her, "No, you've got it all wrong.
我真想对她大喊：“不，你完全错了。
I'm the one who loves you, not those people." But by the time I read that, she was already dead.
爱你的是我，而不是那些人。”但当我读到这篇文章时，她已经死了。
On July 31, 2015, the day she died, she had just seen her drug counselor.
2015年7月31日，也就是她去世的那天，她刚刚见过她的戒毒顾问。
After our dad died and her addiction blossomed, he became the father figure in her life.
在我们的父亲去世后，她的毒瘾开始蔓延，他成为了她生命中的父亲角色。
She was working in his garden.
她正在他的花园里干活。
Toward the end of her life, she created gardens for people just because she loved it.
在她生命的最后阶段，她为人们创造了花园，只是因为她喜欢它。
It gave her a place to put her anxiety, her manic tendencies.
它给了她一个地方来安放她的焦虑和躁狂倾向。
He called to her saying he had to go and was she OK.
他打电话给她说他必须走了，她还好吗？
She waved him on, "I'm fine.
她挥手示意他，“我很好。”
I'm fine." This was maybe 3:30 PM.
我很好。”这时候大概是下午 3:30。
I'm glad that she saw her counselor that day.
我很高兴她那天见到了她的辅导员。
They loved one another very much.
他们非常相爱。
At 4 o'clock, she has a 47 second outgoing call to Alan.
4 点，她给艾伦打了 47 秒的电话。
At 4:02 there is an incoming call from Alan for 54 seconds.
4 点 02 分，艾伦打来电话，持续 54 秒。
At 4:08, she calls Gary for one minute, then Gary calls her back at 4:20, and they talk for 42 seconds.
4:08，她给加里打电话一分钟，然后加里在 4:20 给她回电话，他们聊了 42 秒。
At 4:27, she calls Gary again, and they talk for 41 seconds.
4 点 27 分，她再次给加里打电话，他们聊了 41 秒。
At 4:39, she has an outgoing call to Tim for one second.
4:39，她给 Tim 打了一秒钟的电话。
At 4:40, she has a call out to Jerry for one minute.
4:40，她给杰里打电话一分钟。
Are you Alan, Gary, Tim, Jerry?
你是艾伦、加里、蒂姆、杰瑞吗？
Were you the last one to talk to her?
你是最后一个和她说话的人吗？
Did you see her too?
你也看到她了吗？
Were you with her?
你和她在一起吗？
Both her windows were rolled down.
她的两扇窗户都摇了下来。
Had someone been in her passenger seat?
有人坐在她的乘客座位上吗？
Were you with her when she died, and you got scared and ran?
她死时你在她身边吗？你害怕并逃跑了吗？
Tell me what were her last moments like?
告诉我她最后的时刻是什么样的？
What was she saying before?
她之前说了什么？
Did you watch her die?
你亲眼看着她死吗？
My mother worries that she wanted to die, but I don't think so.
我妈妈担心她想死，但我不这么认为。
How long have you been cutting heroin with fentanyl?
您用芬太尼戒断海洛因多久了？
I don't think Sasha saw it coming.
我不认为萨沙预见到了它的到来。
You sucker punch people, you know?
你这家伙真是太会打人了，知道吗？
She had meetings coming up written in her day book about possible work.
她在日记本上写下了即将召开的会议，讨论可能的工作。
She was trying.
她正在努力。
In an email reconnecting with a beloved former colleague two days before she died, she said, "Hi.
在一位深爱的前同事去世前两天，她在一封电子邮件中重新联系了她，她说：“嗨。
Surprise, surprise.
惊喜，惊喜。
Rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated.
关于我死亡的谣言被严重夸大了。
LOL."
哈哈。”
Her autopsy says 6:54 PM as the time of death.
她的尸检显示死亡时间为下午 6 点 54 分。
Sometime between 4:40 and 6:54, Sasha inhaled the drugs that killed her.
4:40 到 6:54 之间的某个时间，萨莎吸入了导致她死亡的药物。
She hated needles.
她讨厌针。
She was found in her car in the parking lot of a seafood restaurant off I-95.
她被发现在 95 号州际公路旁一家海鲜餐厅停车场的车里。
The detective on the scene happened to be an old high school friend.
现场的侦探恰好是一位高中老朋友。
He told me that he thought she had probably used, felt sleepy, and needed to pull over.
他告诉我，他认为她可能已经用了，感到困了，需要靠边停车。
The restaurant is on the water.
餐厅就在水上。
I was happy that maybe she was seeing water in those last moments.
我很高兴也许她在最后时刻看到了水。
There's an off track betting place next to the restaurant with galloping horses painted on it two stories high.
餐厅旁边有一个场外投注处，两层楼高，上面画着奔腾的骏马。
Maybe she saw the horses.
也许她看到了马。
I just wonder if she knew what was happening, or did she really just think she was going to take a little nap?
我只是想知道她是否知道发生了什么事，还是她真的只是想小睡一会儿？
I don't want her to have known what was happening.
我不想让她知道发生了什么事。
I don't want her to have been scared.
我不想让她害怕。
If I'm going to be honest here-- am I going to be honest here?
如果我要在这里诚实——我会在这里诚实吗？
Maybe I don't want to believe that you deserve my empathy.
也许我不想相信你值得我同情。
I don't want to look you in the eye because you may not look much different than my sister.
我不想看着你的眼睛，因为你看起来可能和我姐姐没有太大不同。
You may be like her, someone who can't be around their family that much anymore, because pretending is so hard.
你可能像她一样，不能再和家人在一起了，因为假装太难了。
Seeing Sasha trying to dry the wineglasses we used for Thanksgiving while she nodded out, pretending that she still had one foot in our world, was one of the most heartbreaking things I have seen.
看到萨莎试图擦干我们感恩节用的酒杯，而她点着头，假装她的一只脚仍然踏在我们的世界里，这是我见过的最令人心碎的事情之一。
You may look like that.
你可能看起来像那样。
You may be sick, needing to get high just to maintain some equilibrium.
您可能生病了，需要喝点酒才能保持平衡。
You may have been her friend.
你可能曾经是她的朋友。
I may have even met you.
我什至可能见过你。
You may have called her Sash.
你可能叫她莎什。
You may have loved her.
你可能曾经爱过她。
God help you if you loved her.
如果你爱她，上帝会帮助你。
To be fair, my sister dealt too.
公平地说，我姐姐也打过牌。
As I was writing this to you, my husband offered me a gentle reminder of this fact.
当我写这篇文章给你时，我丈夫温柔地提醒我这个事实。
It was mainly so she could use.
主要是为了让她能够利用。
There's long hand addition and subtraction in the back of her day book with people's initials, how much they owed or paid her, how much she owed and paid in return.
她的日记本后面有长长的手写加法和减法，上面写着人们姓名的首字母，他们欠了她多少钱或付给了她多少钱，她欠了多少钱并支付了多少回报。
It's chump change really, written a few times as "Me, free." Drugs were her pay.
这确实是小钱，好几次都写着“我，免费”。毒品是她的报酬。
This was not high rolling dealing.
这不是高额交易。
This was survival.
这就是生存。
When my husband reminded me that my sister was dealing too, I quickly defended her.
当我的丈夫提醒我我姐姐也在交易时，我很快就为她辩护。
"Yeah, but she never killed anyone." He said again gently, "You don't know that." I was stunned.
“是啊，但她从来没有杀过任何人。”他又轻声说道：“你不知道。”我惊呆了。
It's true.
这是真的。
I didn't know that.
我不知道。
And the fact is she could have killed someone.
事实是她本可以杀了人。
My worst fear when she was alive was that she would be driving around high and kill someone.
当她还活着的时候，我最担心的就是她会高高在上地开车杀人。
The idea of her killing someone kept me up at night.
她杀人的念头让我彻夜难眠。
I often thought about having her followed, so curious I was about what her days were like where she would go.
我常常想着让她跟着，所以我很好奇她会去哪里过日子。
I was once driving to visit her and my mother thinking about how I could spy on her when there was a traffic slowdown on I-95 a few exits away from our hometown.
有一次，我开车去探望她和我的母亲，想着如何才能监视她，当时离我们家乡几个出口的 95 号州际公路交通很慢。
On the radio, they said there was an accident up ahead.
他们在广播中说前方发生了事故。
My mind went to my sister.
我的心思转向了姐姐。
Had she caused it?
是她造成的吗？
I pulled up in the traffic jam right behind a purple car.
我在交通堵塞中把车停在一辆紫色汽车后面。
I gasped.
我喘着气。
It was Sasha.
是萨莎。
Here was my chance to play detective.
这是我扮演侦探的机会。
She moved to the right lane, and the middle one I was in began to pull forward.
她移到了右边车道，我所在的中间车道开始向前拉。
I was at risk of being seen, so I decided to not try to hide.
我面临着被看见的风险，所以我决定不再试图隐藏。
I pulled up next to her, ready to make a stupid face and stare at her until she felt my presence.
我把车停在她旁边，准备做个鬼脸，盯着她，直到她感觉到我的存在。
To my horror, she looked half asleep.
令我惊恐的是，她看起来半睡半醒。
Her head was back, her eyes at half mast.
她的头向后仰，眼睛半垂。
I couldn't believe she was able to drive a car.
我简直不敢相信她竟然能开车。
My heart started racing and I pulled in behind her as if that might shield other cars from her.
我的心跳加速，我把车停在她身后，仿佛这样可以保护其他车辆免受她的伤害。
I followed her all the way home to her house, trying to steer her car with my body like a bowling ball headed for the gutter.
我一路跟着她回到了她家，试图用我的身体来驾驶她的车，就像一个滚向阴沟的保龄球一样。
She was still living in her own place with an ex-boyfriend turned best buddy, not yet evicted, and forced to live with my mother during the last year of her life.
她仍然住在自己的住处，与前男友成为最好的朋友，尚未被驱逐，并被迫在她生命的最后一年与我母亲住在一起。
I pulled into her street and watched her drive into her driveway.
我把车开进她所在的街道，看着她把车开进车道。
I wanted to follow her in, barge into the apartment that she never let me enter.
我想跟着她进去，闯进她不让我进的公寓。
But I froze, because I didn't know what I'd do once I was inside.
但我愣住了，因为我不知道进去后我会做什么。
Deliver some Joan of Arc, Oprah, Hulk Hogan speech?
发表一些圣女贞德、奥普拉、绿巨人霍根的演讲吗？
Like she'd go for that?
好像她会这么做？
So I did nothing.
所以我什么也没做。
I told myself "She's going to an outpatient clinic.
我告诉自己“她要去门诊。
She has a therapist, a drug counselor, all these professionals helping her."
她有一位治疗师、一位药物咨询师，所有这些专业人士都在帮助她。”
But unfortunately, she also had you.
但不幸的是，她还有你。
And here's the thing, my man.
事情是这样的，我的朋友。
I need you too.
我也需要你。
I know that.
我知道。
I know what I'm doing here.
我知道我在这里做什么。
Because of you, I get to say, "If it weren't for that guy." Because of you, I don't have to blame her.
因为你，我可以说：“如果没有那个人就好了。”因为有你，我才不用责怪她。
Because of you, I can nod my head when people tell me there's nothing I could have done.
因为你，当人们告诉我我无能为力时，我可以点头。
But I don't know if that's true.
但我不知道这是不是真的。
I did try.
我确实尝试过。
My family tried interventions, honesty, confrontation, rejection, love.
我的家人尝试过干预、诚实、对抗、拒绝、爱。
She once told my parents that out of anyone in the world, she cared most about what I thought of her.
她曾经告诉我的父母，在世界上任何人中，她最关心我对她的看法。
I ache at the possibility that if anyone in the world could have saved her, it was me.
如果世界上有谁能拯救她，那就是我，这让我感到痛苦。
But to save her, I would have had to go to her, live with her, make it my life.
但为了拯救她，我必须去找她，和她住在一起，让它成为我的生活。
I would have had to physically remove her from her life and stand guard at the door holding a shotgun.
我将不得不将她从她的生活中剔除，并拿着猎枪在门口站岗。
I would have had to somehow wrestle her denial, get her to finally go to her knees and raise the white flag.
我必须以某种方式与她的否认进行斗争，让她最终跪下并举起白旗。
But I got engaged.
但我订婚了。
I got pregnant.
我怀孕了。
Today, whenever I tell somewhere about my violent feelings towards you, they inevitably say, "Well, if it wasn't him, it would have been someone else.
今天，每当我向某个地方讲述我对你的暴力感受时，他们不可避免地会说：“好吧，如果不是他，也会是其他人。
If it wasn't him, it would have been some other guy." But my question is, why did it have to be anyone at all?
如果不是他，也会是其他人。”但我的问题是，为什么必须是任何人？
Why should my comfort be that there would have been another one?
为什么我的安慰应该是还有另一个呢？
That all we can expect from life is a game of whack-a-mole but with shitty people?
我们对生活的期望就是一场打地鼠游戏，但对手却是卑鄙的人？
I can't accept that because you know what, man?
我无法接受这一点，因为你知道吗，伙计？
It was you.
是你。
And yeah, I'm raging at you so I don't have to rage at myself or my sister, to save myself from falling into a sad heap on the ground.
是的，我对你发怒，这样我就不必对自己或我的妹妹发怒，以免自己落到地上悲伤的一堆。
So yeah, I'm using you.
所以是的，我正在利用你。
I don't care.
我不在乎。
None of this is fair, my man.
这一切都不公平，我的朋友。
So fuck you.
所以他妈的你。
Fuck you because you're still here and there will never be another her.
操你妈的，因为你还在这里，再也不会有另一个她了。
Fuck you because I will always think about you.
去你妈的，因为我会一直想着你。
You are my dealer now, man.
你现在是我的经销商了，伙计。
You dealt me a life without Sasha.
你让我过上了没有萨莎的生活。
Because of you, I'm going out to do this alone.
因为你，我才独自一人出去做这件事。
And I'll never let you forget that.
我永远不会让你忘记这一点。
Yours forever, The Sister.
永远属于你，姐姐。
Ira Glass Nadia Bowers, she's writing a memoir about her sister.
艾拉·格拉斯·纳迪亚·鲍尔斯，她正在写一本关于她姐姐的回忆录。
Coming up, the problem with having a Facebook account after you're dead that you have never, ever, ever thought about?
接下来，您从未想过在死后拥有 Facebook 帐户的问题吗？
That's in a minute, from Chicago Public Radio, when our program continues.
稍后，芝加哥公共广播电台将继续我们的节目。
This is "American Life." I'm Ira Glass.
这就是《美国生活》。我是艾拉·格拉斯。
Today's program, "The Secret of My Death," stories of people who die and the stuff about them that is hidden, and the stuff about them that is uncovered after their deaths by people on a mission to figure them out.
今天的节目“我死亡的秘密”讲述了死去的人的故事，以及他们被隐藏的事情，以及在他们死后被执行任务的人们发现的关于他们的事情。
We've arrived at Act 2 of our program, Act 2, "Commento mori."
我们已经到了节目的第二幕，第二幕“Commento mori”。
Is that act title too obscure?
这剧名是不是太晦涩难懂了？
I was hoping it would be a kind of a play on "Momento mori," which is like a moment of awareness of one's own death.
我希望这会是一部“Momento mori”的戏剧，就像一个人意识到自己死亡的时刻。
But even I know maybe that's too obscure.
但即使我知道也许这太晦涩了。
But anyway, a lot of this story happens in the comments section of Facebook.
但无论如何，这个故事很多都发生在 Facebook 的评论部分。
So you know, commento mori?
所以你知道吗，评论莫里？
Anyway, Stephanie Foo explains.
无论如何，Stephanie Foo 解释道。
After someone you love dies, suddenly even their most annoying traits in retrospect seem endearing.
当你所爱的人去世后，回想起来，突然间，即使是他们最令人讨厌的特征也变得可爱起来。
Blake Burkhart's friend was this guy Dave Maher.
布莱克·伯克哈特的朋友是戴夫·马赫。
They were both comedians in Chicago, met in their 20s in the comedy scene.
他们都是芝加哥的喜剧演员，20 多岁时在喜剧界相识。
Blake was drawn to Dave because he was this extroverted weirdo, loud and absurd.
布莱克被戴夫所吸引，因为他是一个外向的怪人，大声而荒唐。
He was also a problem drinker and constantly high.
他也是一个酗酒者，并且经常酗酒。
He even had a bit about being so stoned he couldn't order food at the movies.
他甚至有点喝醉了以至于无法在电影院点餐。
And he had this laugh.
他笑了。
I remember that kind of bugging me.
我记得这种事困扰着我。
Like he [LAUGHS] he would just start talking real fast like, "Oh, hoo hoo hoo!" [LAUGHS] It's hard to do an impression.
就像他[笑]他会开始快速说话一样，“哦，呼呼呼！” [笑]很难给人留下印象。
But he'd be like, "Come on, Blakey boy!
但他会说，“来吧，布莱基男孩！
Oh hoo hoo hoo hoo, come on!" And he'd grab me and shake my shoulders and stuff if he was excited about just the dumbest thing, like a new joke he wrote.
啊啊啊啊啊啊，来吧！”如果他对最愚蠢的事情感到兴奋，比如他写的一个新笑话，他就会抓住我，摇晃我的肩膀之类的。
[LAUGHS]
[笑]
Dave saw himself as this in your face, brutally honest, iconoclast.
戴夫在你的脸上看到了这样的自己：极其诚实、反传统。
But Blake says thinking about it now, he can't really remember any actual instances of Dave being much of a rebel.
但布莱克说现在想起来，他真的不记得戴夫有任何反叛的实际例子。
He just remembers Dave as being disarmingly nice.
他只记得戴夫是一个令人心旷神怡的好人。
To me, it was almost a little bit annoying how kind he was, because it made me look bad in comparison.
对我来说，他的友善几乎有点烦人，因为相比之下，这让我显得很糟糕。
And we were always together.
我们总是在一起。
[LAUGHS] Blake But yeah, he would go up to people that he had only met once or twice and say like, "Hey, how's it going?
[笑]布莱克但是，是的，他会走到只见过一两次的人面前，说：“嘿，怎么样？
How are you today?" And you could tell he really meant it.
今天怎么样？”你可以看出他是真心实意的。
On stage, you could often hear this earnestness in Dave's comedy, this almost childlike excitement about ridiculous stuff.
在舞台上，你经常可以在戴夫的喜剧中听到这种真诚，这种对荒谬事物的近乎孩子般的兴奋。
I heard a song played on church bells recently, you guys.
我最近听到教堂钟声里播放着一首歌曲，你们。
And it just was like-- you know when you just hear something, you're like, oh!
就像——你知道，当你听到一些东西时，你会想，哦！
Something shifts inside you, you know?
你内心的某些东西正在发生变化，你知道吗？
And I heard this song, and I just want to do my best to replicate it to see if it affects you guys in the same way, OK?
我听到了这首歌，我只是想尽我所能地复制它，看看它是否以同样的方式影响你们，好吗？
Cool.
凉爽的。
Ding dong, ding dong.
叮咚，叮咚。
Ding, ding, ding, ding, bong, bong, bong, bong, bing--
叮、叮、叮、叮、嘭、嘭、嘭、嘭、丙——
That's a recording of a set Dave did on October 10, 2014.
这是 Dave 在 2014 年 10 月 10 日录制的一组录音。
[LAUGHTER] Twelve days later, Blake got a call that said Dave was in a coma.
[笑声] 十二天后，布莱克接到电话说戴夫处于昏迷状态。
It was sudden.
事情很突然。
Dave had been a diabetic, and somehow, his blood sugar had gotten so high that his body shut down.
戴夫是一名糖尿病患者，不知何故，他的血糖变得如此之高，以至于他的身体停止运转。
His kidneys were failing.
他的肾脏衰竭了。
Blake visited him in the hospital.
布莱克去医院探望了他。
It was jarring.
这很刺耳。
Then after three weeks of doctors trying to jump start Dave's body, they told his family it was probably best to take him off life support.
经过三周的医生试图让戴夫的身体恢复活力后，他们告诉他的家人最好让他脱离生命维持系统。
They invited his friends to the hospital to say goodbye.
他们邀请他的朋友到医院告别。
When I found out he wasn't going to be coming out of the coma and was going to be taken off life support, I just said, "I can't go.
当我发现他无法从昏迷中苏醒并且将停止生命支持时，我只是说：“我不能去。
There's no way I can see him like that, knowing that I'll never be able to talk to him again."
我不可能再这样看着他，因为我知道我再也不能和他说话了。”
So instead, I went to my house, where, at the time, I was living with four other comedians and all friends with Dave.
因此，我回到了自己的家，当时我和其他四位喜剧演员以及戴夫的所有朋友住在一起。
And I said, "I'm going to go home, and everyone should just come over tonight after you go see Dave." We just made a whole night out of it, and just kind of made basically a wake for Dave, and just kind of waited for the news of him officially passing.
我说：“我要回家了，今晚大家去看戴夫之后就过来吧。”我们花了一整夜的时间，基本上是为戴夫守灵，然后等待他正式去世的消息。
How many people came?
有多少人来了？
Blake Oh, it was at least 50, 60 people.
Blake 哦，至少有 50、60 人。
Oh, wow.
哦，哇。
That's a lot.
就这么多了。
Everyone knew Dave was going to be taken off life support that night.
每个人都知道那天晚上戴夫将失去生命维持系统。
And finally, a Facebook post confirmed it.
最后，脸书上的一篇帖子证实了这一点。
"Rest in peace, Dave Maher." Then his 1,700 Facebook friends began to post eulogies of him to his Facebook wall.
“安息吧，戴夫·马赫。”随后，他的 1,700 名 Facebook 好友开始在他的 Facebook 墙上发布对他的悼念。
"Thoughts and prayers." "I had a gigantic crush on Dave," one admitted.
“思考和祈祷。” “我非常迷恋戴夫，”其中一人承认。
Another said, "Let's all be the most Dave Maher versions of ourselves." Blake's post kept it simple.
另一位说：“让我们都成为最像戴夫·马赫的自己。”布莱克的帖子很简单。
I wrote, "I love you, dude." Stephanie Foo Had you ever told Dave "I love you" to his face?
我写道：“我爱你，伙计。” Stephanie Foo 你曾经当面告诉过戴夫“我爱你”吗？
Blake I don't know.
布莱克我不知道。
I don't think so.
我不这么认为。
When you're faced with actually losing them, you kind of realize it more.
当你真正面临失去他们时，你会更加意识到这一点。
Unfortunately, that's how it works, so--
不幸的是，事情就是这样的，所以——
Stephanie Foo Two weeks later on Thanksgiving Day, there was a post on Dave's Facebook page from Dave.
Stephanie Foo 两周后的感恩节，Dave 的 Facebook 页面上发布了一条来自 Dave 的帖子。
Oh, man.
哦，伙计。
It was this-- it was-- it's so hard to explain.
是这样的——是这样的——这很难解释。
"This is Dave Maher.
“这是戴夫·马赫。
Spoiler alert." You're alive?
剧透警报。”你还活着吗？
His friends all whipped out their phones in the middle of their Thanksgiving dinners and started shouting in joy on his Facebook page.
他的朋友们在感恩节大餐中都纷纷拿出手机，开始在他的 Facebook 页面上欢呼雀跃。
People are saying, "No one celebrates Thanksgiving the way Dave celebrates Thanksgiving." "Dave turned Thanksgiving into Easter."
人们说：“没有人像戴夫庆祝感恩节那样庆祝感恩节。” “戴夫把感恩节变成了复活节。”
[LAUGHS] Stephanie Foo It turned out Dave's parents never did wind up taking him off life support.
[笑] Stephanie Foo 事实证明戴夫的父母最终并没有让他脱离生命维持系统。
They transferred him to another hospital instead.
他们将他转移到另一家医院。
And a couple days later, his dad walked into his room and started talking to him like he had countless times since he'd fallen into the coma.
几天后，他的父亲走进他的房间，开始和他说话，就像他陷入昏迷以来无数次一样。
And at some point, perhaps I recognized his voice.
在某个时刻，也许我认出了他的声音。
My eyes popped open.
我的眼睛突然睁开。
And I was still intubated at this point, so I had a whole mess of tubes sticking out of my face and attempted to scream.
此时我仍在插管，所以我脸上插着一堆管子，我试图尖叫。
But because I was intubated, it came out silently.
但因为插管了，所以无声无息地出来了。
But I just mouthed the words, (WHISPERING) "What the fuck?"
但我只是用嘴说出了这些话，（低声）“他妈的是什么？”
Dave had been in the coma for a month.
戴夫已经昏迷了一个月。
He's a type 1 diabetic who had just done an awful job caring for himself.
他是一名 1 型糖尿病患者，刚刚照顾自己做得很糟糕。
He hadn't paid much attention to what he was eating, drank too much, and he had no way of monitoring his blood sugar because he sold all his test strips for weed money.
他没有太注意自己吃的东西，喝得太多，而且他无法监测自己的血糖，因为他为了大麻钱卖掉了所有的试纸。
So he had no idea his blood sugar was skyrocketing, eventually sending him into a coma.
所以他不知道自己的血糖飙升，最终导致他陷入昏迷。
The last thing he remembered was puking into a bucket and figuring he must have food poisoning.
他记得的最后一件事是吐进桶里，并认为自己一定是食物中毒。
And then after a month, he woke up in a hospital bed, completely bewildered by the entire situation.
一个月后，他在医院的病床上醒来，对整个情况完全感到困惑。
But the upshot of all that was that he was in this weird situation that some of us fantasize about, that Tom Sawyer thing of being at your own funeral, where you get to hear all the things people say about you.
但所有这一切的结果是，他陷入了我们中的一些人幻想的那种奇怪的境地，就像汤姆·索亚那样参加自己的葬礼，在那里你可以听到人们对你的所有评价。
You get to finally find out how you're seen, what people will remember about you.
你最终会发现别人如何看待你，人们会记住你什么。
Dave didn't get a chance to look at Facebook for a while.
戴夫有一段时间没有机会查看 Facebook。
He was still recovering.
他仍在康复中。
His hands wouldn't stop shaking, so he couldn't even use his phone.
他的双手不停地颤抖，甚至连手机都无法使用。
It took another month or so for him to be discharged from the hospital, and that's when he finally decided to read through all of the eulogies people had left on his page, about a hundred of them.
又过了一个月左右，他才出院，这时他终于决定读完人们在他的页面上留下的所有悼词，大约有一百篇。
It was New Year's day after the ball had dropped and everyone went to sleep.
球落下之后就是元旦了，大家都去睡觉了。
He was recuperating in his parents' house, so he went down to their basement and sat alone at the little kitchen island scrolling for hours.
他在父母家里养伤，所以他去了他们的地下室，独自坐在小厨房岛上滚动了几个小时。
You know, it got to be 2:00, and 3:00, and 3:30 AM.
您知道，时间必须是凌晨 2:00、凌晨 3:00 和凌晨 3:30。
And I'm just there at this island reading these things from my laptop.
我就在这座岛上，用笔记本电脑阅读这些内容。
One of the first things he spotted right in the middle of all the "I miss you's" was a post from his brother trying to quash the whole thing, written the day after Dave supposedly died.
他在所有“我想念你”的中间发现的第一件事之一是他的兄弟试图平息整个事情的帖子，据说是在戴夫去世后的第二天写的。
I think my family was honestly pretty upset reading some of these things.
老实说，我认为我的家人读到这些事情后感到非常沮丧。
Like "To friends of David, there seems to be some confusion and unofficial word on David's passing.
就像“对于大卫的朋友们来说，关于大卫的去世似乎有一些混乱和非官方的消息。
At the time of this posting, Dave Maher is still with us.
截至本文发布时，戴夫·马赫 (Dave Maher) 仍在我们身边。
Until you hear official word that David has passed, please out of respect for him and our family, refrain from posting about David in the past tense."
在您听到大卫去世的官方消息之前，出于对他和我们家人的尊重，请不要以过去时态发布有关大卫的信息。”
It got 70 likes, three comments.
它得到了 70 个赞和 3 条评论。
But the Facebook algorithm had buried it.
但 Facebook 的算法已经把它埋葬了。
It was overshadowed by all of the comments coming in facilitating the dead Dave narrative.
它被所有促进戴夫死亡叙述的评论所掩盖。
Some of those got twice as many likes.
其中一些获得的赞数是原来的两倍。
And reading these comments was sort of like you'd imagine.
阅读这些评论有点像你想象的那样。
People brought up a lot of memories, things he did, some of which he didn't even remember, funny stories.
人们提起了很多回忆，他做过的事情，其中一些他甚至不记得了，有趣的故事。
And he got to see what this life he bumbled through actually looked like from the outside.
他也得以从外表上看清自己跌跌撞撞的生活实际上是什么样子。
There's pretty good ones in here.
这里有相当不错的。
[LAUGHS] Oh yeah.
[笑]哦，是的。
This one I had forgotten existed.
这个我已经忘记了存在。
OK, so this woman writes, "Deep into the late night hour of a crazy, sexy, cool party, I found Dave pounding on a closet door." And then she transcribes this conversation where she says, "What are you doing, Dave?" And I say, "I gotta go to the bathroom." And she says, "That's a closet." And I say, "No, it's not.
好吧，这位女士写道，“在一场疯狂、性感、酷炫的派对的深夜，我发现戴夫在敲打壁橱门。”然后她抄录了这段对话，她说：“戴夫，你在做什么？”我说：“我要去趟洗手间。”她说：“那是一个壁橱。”我说：“不，不是的。
It's the bathroom, and there are people in there.
这是浴室，里面还有人。
There are people in there.
里面有人。
And they need to get out." And then she says, "I show Dave that it is indeed a closet." And then the last line is me saying, "Just let me knock on the door for a little, and then I'll walk away so that people don't know what I did."
他们需要出去。”然后她说：“我向戴夫展示了这确实是一个壁橱。”最后一句是我说：“让我敲一下门，然后我就会走开，这样人们就不知道我做了什么。”
[LAUGHS] Dave And that's great, man.
[笑]戴夫 这太棒了，伙计。
That's so funny.
太有趣了。
[LAUGHS] Stephanie Foo A bunch of posts perplexed him just because they were so random.
[笑] Stephanie Foo 一堆帖子让他感到困惑，因为它们是如此随机。
There was one from an ex-girlfriend who was appreciative of the fact that he broke up with her inside his car because it was cold outside.
有一位前女友的来信，她很感激他在车里与她分手，因为外面很冷。
One woman said he was a great storyteller and also quote, "unreasonably sweaty."
一位女士说他是一位出色的讲故事者，并引用了“出汗过多”的说法。
Why?
为什么？
Dave Yeah, absurd, right?
戴夫 是啊，荒谬，对吧？
Like it's so easy not to include that sentence.
就像很容易不包括那句话一样。
But as Dave kept scrolling past the funny memories, of course, things got heavier.
但随着戴夫不断翻阅那些有趣的回忆，事情当然变得更加沉重。
Many of his friends had been devastated, and they took to Facebook as a form of therapy, pouring their hearts out about their loss.
他的许多朋友都深受打击，他们把 Facebook 作为一种治疗方式，倾诉自己的悲伤。
Dozens painted Dave as a devoted friend, the kind of guy who was there with hugs and advice and beer whenever you needed him.
许多人将戴夫描绘成一位忠实的朋友，每当你需要他时，他都会给你拥抱、提供建议和啤酒。
And then he got to this one post from a friend that just gutted him.
然后他看到了一位朋友发来的这篇帖子，这让他很伤心。
"Hey, dude.
“嘿，伙计。
Pretty sure Kit took this photo right before I told you I was going to leave her party in order to go to bed early.
可以肯定的是，在我告诉你我要离开她的聚会以便早点睡觉之前，基特拍了这张照片。
And then you made fun of me for doing that.
然后你就因为我这么做而取笑我。
I guess I never thought about this before, but you were totally my best friend in college.
我想我以前从来没有想过这个，但你完全是我大学里最好的朋友。
Even though you were a senior when I was a freshman, you insisted on treating me and everyone as equals, even though we weren't, dude.
尽管我大一时你是大四的学生，但你坚持平等对待我和每个人，尽管我们不是，伙计。
You really made me feel so effing cool.
你真的让我感觉很酷。
My dumb smile in this photo is 100% genuine because I was so happy to be with you all the time.
这张照片中我傻傻的微笑是百分百真诚的，因为我很高兴一直和你在一起。
It wasn't just me who felt that way.
不只是我有这样的感觉。
Whenever we went to CVS or Walgreens, every employee recognized you and said hello.
每当我们去 CVS 或 Walgreens 时，每个员工都会认出你并打招呼。
We've even eaten at Chipotle for free because you have it going on, dude.
我们甚至还免费在 Chipotle 吃过饭，因为你有这样的经历，伙计。
Thanks for telling me not to be so hard on myself, and then laughing about how funny that sounded coming from you.
谢谢你告诉我不要对自己太严厉，然后笑着说你这句话听起来多么有趣。
Thanks for all the rides home.
感谢大家乘车回家。
Thanks for being my best friend.
谢谢你成为我最好的朋友。
It looks like it's finally your turn to turn in early.
看起来终于轮到你提前上班了。
You earned it.
你赚到了。
I'll talk to you later.
我稍后再跟你谈。
Duffer." [CRIES]
达夫。” [哭泣]
That is so sweet.
那真是太甜蜜了。
Dave (CRYING) Yeah.
戴夫（哭泣）：是的。
[CRIES] Yeah.
[哭声] 是的。
It's just really sweet.
真的很甜。
[SIGHS] It's really-- I don't know.
[叹气]这真的是——我不知道。
It's like so many of these things I didn't remember.
好像很多事情我都不记得了。
Like I don't remember things that way.
好像我不记得那样的事情。
I don't remember employees at Walgreens all knowing my name.
我不记得沃尔格林的员工都知道我的名字。
I remember shoplifting from Walgreens and spending the night in jail.
我记得从沃尔格林商店行窃并在监狱里过夜。
That's how I remember this stuff.
我就是这样记住这件事的。
This was the main thought Dave had going through his eulogies.
这是戴夫在悼词中的主要想法。
Even though everyone was being so nice, he thought, "They're all wrong."
尽管每个人都那么友善，但他想，“他们都错了。”
I know that people don't really talk shit about someone when they've died, but it's just really tough to like square the image that I have of myself with the way other people talked about me when they thought I was dead.
我知道人们在某人去世后并不会真正谈论他们，但是很难将我对自己的形象与其他人在他们认为我死了时谈论我的方式进行调和。
And that's why reading his own eulogies, it actually made him feel awful.
这就是为什么读他自己的悼词时，实际上让他感觉很糟糕。
He felt overwhelmed by the complete disconnect between the guy he thought he was and the guy everyone else was talking about.
他对自己以为的自己和其他人谈论的那个人之间的完全脱节感到不知所措。
He'd thought that he was at core a bad person, that he took his depression out on people, that he could be insensitive, self-centered.
他认为自己本质上是一个坏人，他把自己的抑郁发泄在别人身上，他可能麻木不仁、以自我为中心。
I put myself in this coma.
我让自己陷入昏迷。
It was my carelessness, my recklessness, that got me to this place in the first place.
正是我的粗心，我的鲁莽，才让我走到了这个地步。
And on the one hand, while it's moving to hear that everyone at this wake at Blake's house was so miserable to feel like I had gone, I made these people miserable.
一方面，虽然听到布莱克家里参加守灵活动的每个人都如此痛苦地感觉我已经走了，这令人感动，但我让这些人感到痛苦。
That totally makes sense.
这完全有道理。
You were like, "You guys, you're not acknowledging how fucked up it was that I did this stupid thing to you."
你会说，“你们这些家伙，你们不承认我对你们做了这件蠢事是多么糟糕。”
Right.
正确的。
And that's why it was like-- it's very different, the experience with my family.
这就是为什么我和家人的经历非常不同。
Because my family was pretty aware and they had been hurt by-- in terms of the traditional wreckage that an alcoholic or an addict leaves in their wake, my family suffered a lot of that.
因为我的家人非常清楚，他们受到了酗酒者或瘾君子留下的传统残骸的伤害，我的家人遭受了很多伤害。
And so they weren't effusive when I came back.
所以当我回来时他们并不热情。
They were very aware of the ways in which I contributed to the situation.
他们非常清楚我对这种情况的贡献。
Stephanie Foo So now that everyone was saying he was this wonderful and nice guy, it actually made him feel guilty.
Stephanie Foo 所以现在每个人都说他是一个很棒的好人，这实际上让他感到内疚。
Even now years later, it's a burden.
即使多年后的今天，这仍然是一种负担。
Witnessing your own funeral, it actually kind of sucked.
目睹自己的葬礼，实际上有点糟糕。
Maybe it wouldn't if you stayed dead.
如果你死了也许就不会了。
The problem is if you have to keep on living.
问题是你是否必须继续生活。
But you know who this didn't suck for?
但你知道这不适合谁吗？
Dave's friend, Blake.
戴夫的朋友布莱克。
Have you ever found his laugh annoying since then?
从那以后你有没有觉得他的笑声很烦人？
That's so crazy!
太疯狂了！
Blake got to watch his loved one come back to life.
布莱克必须亲眼目睹他所爱的人复活。
That's really the thing worth fantasizing about.
这确实是一件值得幻想的事情。
He gets excited just thinking about the day Dave woke up.
一想到戴夫醒来的那一天，他就兴奋不已。
Yeah, just to relive that moment again and again would be priceless, because that's the happiest I think I've ever felt.
是的，只要一次又一次地重温那一刻，那就是无价的，因为那是我认为我所感受到的最幸福的时刻。
I think it just makes me a little happier to be around him every time.
我想每次和他在一起都会让我更开心。
It's just like-- I'm just a little happier around him than I could be around any other friend because I know what it's like to also lose the same person.
就像——我在他身边比和其他朋友在一起更快乐，因为我知道失去同一个人是什么感觉。
Dave and Blake both got second chances to love and to be loved.
戴夫和布莱克都获得了第二次爱和被爱的机会。
Turns out one's a lot easier than the other.
事实证明，一个比另一个容易得多。
Ira Glass Stephanie Foo is one of the producers of our program.
Ira Glass Stephanie Foo 是我们节目的制作人之一。
The living Dave Maher has comedy stuff that he would like to share with you at thisisdavemaher.com.
活着的戴夫·马赫 (Dave Maher) 有喜剧作品，他想在 thisisdavemaher.com 上与您分享。
Act 3, "Funeral for a Stranger." So this last story is about a guy who goes to a funeral for somebody who does not know at all and has to piece together all the stuff you would want to know in that kind of situation.
第三幕，“陌生人的葬礼”。最后一个故事是关于一个人去参加一个根本不知道的人的葬礼的人，他必须在这种情况下拼凑出所有你想知道的东西。
And the guy who did this wrote us an email last summer at the radio show.
去年夏天，做这件事的人在广播节目中给我们写了一封电子邮件。
There was no subject heading in this email.
这封电子邮件中没有主题标题。
The very first line was a link to an obituary for another guy named Eddie Furlani.
第一行是另一个名叫埃迪·弗拉尼 (Eddie Furlani) 的人的讣告的链接。
Eddie had died a few weeks before.
埃迪几周前去世了。
He was young when he died, only 35.
他去世时还很年轻，年仅35岁。
The email began, "Dear This American Life, I'm attaching a quick document that I created Friday documenting some of the thoughts and emotions I had following the funeral of a Navy SEAL.
电子邮件的开头是：“亲爱的美国生活，我附上一份我周五创建的快速文件，记录了我在海豹突击队葬礼后的一些想法和情感。
The whole experience was more of an odyssey than I had bargained for." This caught the eye of a producer here on our show, Dana Chivvis.
整个经历比我预想的更像是一次冒险。”这引起了我们节目制作人 Dana Chivvis 的注意。
Here she is.
她在这里。
The email was signed by a retired officer in the Navy, a guy I'm going to call Charlie.
这封电子邮件是由一位退役海军军官签署的，我称他为查理。
It's not his real name.
这不是他的真名。
The document he had attached to the email was an essay.
他附在电子邮件中的文件是一篇论文。
It was four pages long.
它有四页长。
He'd written it quickly after Eddie Furlani's funeral.
他是在埃迪·弗拉尼的葬礼结束后很快写下的。
Eddie was a stranger to him, but there was something about the whole experience that seemed to kind of haunt him that led him to write an essay, something deeply emotional.
埃迪对他来说是个陌生人，但整个经历中有些东西似乎一直困扰着他，促使他写了一篇文章，一些深感情感的文章。
I couldn't tell what it was, so I gave him a call.
我不知道发生了什么，所以我给他打电话。
So why did you write us?
那你为什么写信给我们？
Charlie I knew you were going to ask this question.
查理，我知道你会问这个问题。
I don't.
我不知道。
And I think I wrote you guys one time prior, and that's the only reason why I even knew how to contact you.
我想我之前曾给你们写过一封信，这是我知道如何联系你们的唯一原因。
OK, so maybe Charlie writes radio shows more than most people.
好吧，也许查理比大多数人写的广播节目更多。
I asked him to tell me the story of Eddie Furlani's funeral last summer.
我请他告诉我去年夏天埃迪·弗拉尼葬礼的故事。
The story begins with a random text message from a friend of Charlie's, a guy named Mark.
故事始于查理的一位名叫马克的朋友发来的随机短信。
He and Charlie went to the Naval Academy together.
他和查理一起去了海军学院。
After graduation, Charlie went on to become a Naval aviator.
毕业后，查理继续成为一名海军飞行员。
He flew medivac helicopters in Iraq in 2007.
2007 年，他在伊拉克驾驶医疗直升机。
His friend Mark joined the Navy SEALs, the Navy's special operations forces.
他的朋友马克加入了海军海豹突击队，即海军特种作战部队。
What was the text that you got from Mark?
你从马克那里收到的短信是什么？
So actually, it started with, a "Good morning." I said, "Good morning.
事实上，它是从一句“早上好”开始的。我说：“早上好。
How's Liam, your son?" And his next text is, "Hey, I got a job for you." And that's where my response came back, "Does it involve explosives?"
你儿子利亚姆怎么样了？”他的下一条短信是：“嘿，我给你找到了一份工作。”这就是我的回答：“这涉及爆炸物吗？”
[LAUGHS] Charlie And he says, "Attend the service of a frog man in my absence."
[笑]查理然后他说：“在我不在的时候参加青蛙人的仪式。”
Frogman is a nickname for a Navy SEAL.
蛙人是海豹突击队队员的绰号。
Eddie Furlani and Mark had been Navy SEALs together.
埃迪·弗拉尼和马克曾一起服役于海豹突击队。
The funeral was going to be in San Diego, and Mark, who lives in Florida, couldn't make it.
葬礼原定在圣地亚哥举行，而住在佛罗里达州的马克未能出席。
So he asked Charlie, who lives nearby, to go in his place.
于是他请住在附近的查理代替他去。
That was the moment where it was like that moment of decision where I was like, "Well, do I really want to go to a funeral of somebody I don't know in his absence?" If it was anybody but Mark, I probably would have made an excuse.
那一刻就像是我做出决定的那一刻，我想，“好吧，我真的想在他缺席的情况下参加一个我不认识的人的葬礼吗？”如果不是马克，我可能会找借口。
So did you sit there for like a minute or two before you wrote him back thinking of excuses not to go?
那么，在给他回信之前，你是否坐了一两分钟，想找借口不去？
[SIGHS] I'd be lying if I said no. I did think of a few excuses not to go because funerals aren't one of those things that people like attending to begin with, and let alone the funeral of somebody that you don't know, which technically seems a little rude because it just doesn't seem appropriate.
[叹气]如果我说不，那我就是在撒谎。我确实想了一些不去的借口，因为葬礼本来就不是人们喜欢参加的事情之一，更不用说参加你不认识的人的葬礼了，从技术上讲，这似乎有点粗鲁，因为它看起来不合适。
But Charlie wrote Mark back, said, "Send me the details and I'll do it." And then in the swirl of his own life and work and family, he kind of forgot about it.
但查理给马克回信说：“把详细信息发给我，我会做的。”然后在他自己的生活、工作和家庭的漩涡中，他有点忘记了这件事。
Two weeks later, he woke up and realized it was the morning of Eddie Furlani's funeral.
两周后，他醒来，意识到这是埃迪·弗拉尼葬礼的早晨。
He put on a nice pair of jeans, some nice shoes, and a dark button down shirt.
他穿上了一条漂亮的牛仔裤，一双漂亮的鞋子，还有一件深色系扣衬衫。
He thought he'd go to the service during his lunch break, catch the eulogy, and then scoot out of there, get back to work.
他想在午休时间去参加葬礼，听听悼词，然后迅速离开那里，回去工作。
He realized he didn't have any of the details about the service, and he also didn't know anything about Eddie Furlani.
他意识到他不知道有关该服务的任何细节，而且他也不了解埃迪·弗拉尼（Eddie Furlani）的任何情况。
So he did some googling and found a Facebook memorial that Mark had set up and a GoFundMe page asking for donations to help support Eddie's family.
于是他在谷歌上搜索了一下，找到了马克建立的 Facebook 纪念馆和一个 GoFundMe 页面，要求捐款来帮助支持埃迪的家人。
It mentioned that he had passed suddenly.
上面提到他突然去世了。
In the essay Charlie sent us, he writes, "There are pictures of his three children and the smiling face of Eddie in SEAL training, submerged in mud and smiling and giving a thumbs up with green fatigues on.
在查理发给我们的文章中，他写道：“有他的三个孩子的照片，还有埃迪在海豹突击队训练中的笑脸，他穿着绿色迷彩服，浸在泥里，微笑着竖起大拇指。
The date of his passing was listed, and I started googling different military tragedies.
列出了他去世的日期，我开始在谷歌上搜索不同的军事悲剧。
Being alumni from a military academy means that rarely is there a military accident where someone I know isn't involved or affected.
作为军事院校的校友，这意味着很少有我认识的人没有参与或受到影响的军事事故。
I found it unusual that I could find no reporting on anything."
我发现很不寻常的是我找不到任何关于任何事情的报道。”
You know, at the time, I told myself that he was a Navy SEAL that had died in the line of duty.
你知道，当时我告诉自己，他是一名因公殉职的海豹突击队员。
If it was a major firefight or a conflict, there would be yellow ribbons, there would be parades, there would be flags everywhere, there would be people weeping in the streets if he had died in combat.
如果是重大交火或冲突，就会有黄丝带，会有游行，到处都会有旗帜，如果他在战斗中牺牲了，就会有人在街上哭泣。
So you knew it wasn't that.
所以你知道不是那样的。
You knew it wasn't a battlefield death, but maybe it was an accident
你知道这不是战场上的死亡，但也许这是一场意外
Well, I didn't-- you get that little bug in the back of your head because I'm like, OK, well, how did he die?
好吧，我没有——你脑子里有那个小虫子，因为我想，好吧，好吧，他是怎么死的？
Was it a car accident?
这是一场车祸吗？
The internet didn't shed any light on the mystery surrounding Eddie's death.
互联网没有透露有关埃迪死亡的任何谜团。
But anyway, it was the day of the funeral, so Charlie would probably find out what happened there.
但无论如何，今天是葬礼的日子，所以查理很可能会知道那里发生了什么。
It's a weird thing being a proxy at a funeral.
在葬礼上担任代理人是一件很奇怪的事情。
It reminds me of being a plus one at a wedding, only miserable.
这让我想起了在婚礼上加一的感觉，只有悲惨。
You don't know the person who died or their family, so it's hard to have any feelings about it.
你不认识死者或他们的家人，所以很难有任何感觉。
Like the fact that Eddie Furlani was gone, it hadn't changed the course of Charlie's life at all, just the course of his lunch break, really.
就像埃迪·弗拉尼去世的事实一样，它根本没有改变查理的生活轨迹，只是改变了他的午休时间，真的。
Charlie gets to the chapel late because Mark texted at the last minute and asked him to pick up some flowers for the family, corsages for Eddie Furlani's daughter and widow.
查理迟到了教堂，因为马克在最后一刻发短信要求他为家人挑选一些鲜花，为埃迪·弗拉尼的女儿和遗孀挑选胸花。
As soon as he drives into the parking lot, he notices a woman sitting on the sidewalk dressed in black, attending to a little boy who's having a total meltdown over his pants and how he doesn't want to be wearing them.
当他开车进入停车场时，他注意到一个穿着黑色衣服的女人坐在人行道上，照顾一个小男孩，他的裤子完全崩溃了，他不想穿裤子。
Charlie recognizes the boy from pictures as Eddie Furlani's son.
查理认出照片中的男孩是埃迪·弗拉尼的儿子。
When Charlie walks into the chapel, the service has already started, and he's carrying those flowers.
当查理走进教堂时，仪式已经开始，他手里拿着那些鲜花。
So one of the funeral directors intercepts him and asks him if he's the flower delivery guy.
因此，一位葬礼承办人拦截了他，并询问他是否是送花的人。
Charlie tries to explain awkwardly and in whisper talk because, again, the service has already started, that no, he's there for the service.
查理试图用低声说话的方式尴尬地解释，因为，服务已经开始了，不，他是来参加服务的。
But no, he doesn't actually know the deceased, and no, he doesn't know the family either.
但不，他实际上并不认识死者，也不认识死者的家人。
He's just there for a guy in Florida, like as a stand in.
他只是在佛罗里达州为一个人服务，就像替身一样。
The funeral director lets him by, and Charlie finally squeezes into the back row of mourners.
葬礼承办人让他过去，查理终于挤进了哀悼者的后排。
The pews were all full, and the walls-- especially the back of the walls were lined with men in three piece suits that were 6 foot 4, athletically built, wearing sunglasses.
长凳上都坐满了人，墙上——尤其是墙后——排满了穿着三件套西装的男人，他们身高 6 英尺 4 英寸，身材健壮，戴着墨镜。
I mean, you're clearly Navy SEALs.
我的意思是，你们显然是海豹突击队队员。
People were giving eulogies.
人们纷纷致悼词。
In his essay, Charlie writes that it felt odd to hear about the achievements of a stranger, stories from his friends.
查理在他的文章中写道，听到一个陌生人的成就、他朋友的故事感觉很奇怪。
The men on the back wall with him were steel-faced, betrayed no emotion until Eddie Furlani's daughter, a 7-year-old named Zelma, broke down in tears.
和他一起坐在后墙上的人都面无表情，没有流露出任何情绪，直到埃迪·弗拉尼 (Eddie Furlani) 7 岁的女儿泽尔玛 (Zelma) 泪流满面。
The little girl was sobbing.
小女孩抽泣着。
You know [COUGHS] in that sort of deep, heartbroken [COUGHS] deep, heartbroken sob.
你知道[咳嗽]那种深沉、心碎的[咳嗽]深沉、心碎的抽泣。
And her stepmother was kind of bent over and escorting her out through the door.
她的继母弯下腰，护送她出了门。
And she is just sobbing.
她只是在抽泣。
[COUGHS] Again, you can imagine all these 6 foot plus, 300 pound, athletic Navy SEALs.
[咳嗽]再一次，你可以想象所有这些身高 6 英尺以上、体重 300 磅的海豹突击队员。
And [COUGHS] [LAUGHS] Everybody just looked so helpless.
[咳嗽][笑]每个人看起来都很无助。
It was like-- there isn't anything these guys can't take on and win, and here's this little girl sobbing [LAUGHS] right behind us.
就好像——没有什么是这些家伙不能承受并赢得的，而这个小女孩就在我们身后抽泣[笑]。
And there's nothing anybody could do.
而任何人都无能为力。
There was a part of your essay that really struck me.
你的文章中有一部分给我留下了深刻的印象。
I'm just going to read.
我只是去读书。
You wrote, "The military trains you to separate the emotion from the mission.
你写道：“军队训练你将情感与使命分开。
Eddie's oldest girl Zelma was old enough to understand what was happening, but not military enough to know not to show it." Did you want Zelma to be a little more military in that moment?
埃迪最大的女儿泽尔玛已经足够大了，能够理解正在发生的事情，但还不够军事，不知道不要表现出来。”你希望泽尔玛在那一刻变得更加军事化吗？
I don't know what to say to that because that little girl wailing out there in the hallway-- you know, that again, set off a cascade of grief that everybody there had to kind of stuff away.
我不知道对此该说些什么，因为那个小女孩在走廊里哭泣——你知道，这再次引发了一系列的悲伤，那里的每个人都不得不把悲伤抛开。
Charlie stuffed the grief away with an old military trick.
查理用一个古老的军事伎俩来掩饰悲伤。
He focused on accomplishing the mission to deliver the flowers Mark had sent him with.
他专注于完成递送马克送给他的鲜花的任务。
It's stupid, and I feel so embarrassed to even admit this, but I mean, that's what I clung to is I need give her the flowers.
这很愚蠢，我什至都不好意思承认这一点，但我的意思是，这就是我坚持的就是我需要给她花。
I clung to that idea that my mission is to give her the flowers.
我坚持认为我的使命就是给她送花。
Luckily, a voice in Charlie's head-- his wife's voice, he says-- told him that delivering the flowers then was a really bad idea.
幸运的是，查理脑海中的一个声音——他说是他妻子的声音——告诉他，当时送花是一个非常糟糕的主意。
So he stayed put.
所以他就留在原地。
It made him deeply uncomfortable, all these feelings for a stranger.
对一个陌生人的所有这些感觉让他深感不舒服。
He wasn't being military enough.
他的军事素质还不够。
You lose a degree of empathy in the military because empathy is not an advantageous skill to have in most-- especially comrade-in-arms fields.
你在军队中会失去一定程度的同理心，因为同理心在大多数人——尤其是战友领域——并不是一项有利的技能。
Empathy is not a useful emotion to have.
同理心并不是一种有用的情感。
And [SIGHS] the fact that I'm sniffling and tearing up is generally thought as weak.
[叹息]我抽泣和流泪的事实通常被认为是软弱的。
Like I said, your empathy centers tend to be atrophied.
就像我说的，你的同理心往往会萎缩。
Well, I mean, I think that you could also see it as proof that your empathy centers haven't atrophied, that they're actually quite present.
嗯，我的意思是，我认为你也可以将其视为你的同理心中心没有萎缩的证据，它们实际上相当存在。
They just come out at the wrong times with odd things, which is--
他们只是在错误的时间出现了奇怪的事情，那就是——
I guess.
我猜。
Although I think some people would argue that a funeral is the exact right time for it to come out.
尽管我认为有些人会认为葬礼是它出现的最佳时机。
Oh, they're present.
哦，他们在场。
Yeah, I know they're there.
是的，我知道他们在那里。
[SNIFFS]
[嗅嗅]
The service finally ended.
服务终于结束了。
The chaplain asked everyone not to talk to the family, just proceed outside to the flag presentation.
牧师要求大家不要与家人交谈，只是到外面去参加国旗展示。
But Charlie ignored these instructions and walked up to Eddie Furlani's widow, eager to give her the flowers, to accomplish his mission at last.
但查理无视这些指示，走到埃迪·弗拉尼的遗孀面前，渴望给她鲜花，最终完成他的使命。
When he told her he was there on behalf of his friend, Mark, she brightened and gave him a hug.
当他告诉她他是代表他的朋友马克来的时候，她高兴起来并给了他一个拥抱。
She told him Mark was the whole reason they'd had a service there in San Diego.
她告诉他，马克是他们在圣地亚哥举行礼拜的全部原因。
He'd arranged everything.
他已经安排好了一切。
Charlie got back in his car and called Mark to give him a report.
查理回到车里，打电话给马克，向他汇报情况。
And then Mark said something strange.
然后马克说了一些奇怪的话。
He told Charlie he was relieved to hear there had been so many people at the service.
他告诉查理，听到有这么多人参加葬礼，他感到很欣慰。
It hit me almost like touching a light socket.
它对我的打击几乎就像触摸电灯插座一样。
He said, "I'm glad people showed up.
他说：“我很高兴人们出现。
I was worried nobody was going to be there." And you get that kind of sinking feeling that you've missed something important.
我担心没有人会在那里。”你会有一种沮丧的感觉，觉得自己错过了一些重要的事情。
And the next thing he told me was is because of how he killed himself.
他告诉我的下一件事是因为他是如何自杀的。
And-- [SIGHS]
还有——[叹气]
Eddie had disappeared from home 3 and 1/2 weeks earlier.
埃迪在 3又1/2 周前从家里失踪。
He'd been missing for about a week before his body was found under a bridge.
在他的尸体在桥下被发现之前，他失踪了大约一周。
He had a backpack filled with pictures of his family and his service record.
他的背包里装满了家人的照片和服役记录。
In his essay, Charlie writes about that moment after the funeral when he was in his car talking to Mark, and he finally understood how Eddie had died.
查理在他的文章中写到了葬礼后的那一刻，当时他在车里与马克交谈，他终于明白了埃迪是怎么死的。
"It all came together in my mind suddenly.
“这一切突然出现在我的脑海里。
No mention of cause of death, no news stories of training accidents, no mention of the end of his life at the eulogy-- the monster that hides in the dark, the one that you don't mention lest you summon his attention."
悼词中没有提及死亡原因，没有训练事故的新闻报道，也没有提及他生命的终结——这个隐藏在黑暗中的怪物，你不提这个怪物，以免引起他的注意。”
How did that change things for you, to understand that Eddie had committed suicide?
当你了解到埃迪自杀后，事情发生了怎样的变化？
Charlie I got lightheaded, honestly.
查理，老实说，我有点头晕。
I had a physical reaction.
我有身体反应。
Because there was nothing about it.
因为没有任何关于它的事情。
I mean, there were no articles on it.
我的意思是，没有关于它的文章。
The chaplain's invocation didn't talk-- nobody said anything about it.
牧师的祈祷没有说话——没有人对此说什么。
Both Mark-- and Eddie's widow, as I found out this morning when I talked to her-- they were terrified because they expect to show up to an empty chapel.
马克和埃迪的遗孀，正如我今天早上与她交谈时发现的那样，他们都很害怕，因为他们预计会出现在一个空荡荡的教堂里。
They expected no one to come.
他们预计不会有人来。
Dana Chivvis In fact, the Navy chaplain had mentioned at the start of the service that Eddie had killed himself.
事实上，海军牧师在仪式开始时曾提到埃迪自杀了。
But Charlie arrived late and missed it.
但查理来晚了，错过了。
And Charlie had misunderstood Mark's worry that no one would show up.
而查理误解了马克担心没人会出现的担心。
Mark told me he was worried about that, but not because Eddie killed himself.
马克告诉我他对此感到担心，但并不是因为埃迪自杀了。
It was more like it all happened so suddenly, and he wasn't sure people would be able to come.
更像是这一切发生得太突然，他不确定人们能否来。
The morning before our interview, Charlie called Eddie's widow to make sure it was OK with her that he talked to me.
在我们采访的前一天早上，查理打电话给埃迪的遗孀，以确保她同意他和我说话。
And during that conversation, he learned something about Zelma's breakdown in the chapel.
在那次谈话中，他了解到了泽尔玛在教堂崩溃的情况。
The reason why she wanted to leave is because she was ashamed.
她之所以要离开，是因为羞愧。
She felt ashamed that everybody knew her father had killed himself, and that they felt that she was a bad person.
她感到羞愧，因为每个人都知道她父亲自杀了，而且他们都觉得她是个坏人。
And I was horrified to hear that.
听到这个消息我很震惊。
[LAUGHS] I mean, of all the [CRYING] of all the things for her to think, that she was somehow this pariah for her father passing away.
[笑]我的意思是，在她想到的所有[哭泣]的事情中，她在某种程度上因为她父亲的去世而被遗弃。
And that everybody in that memorial service, who was there to support her, and she was-- I don't know.
参加追悼会的每个人都在场支持她，而她——我不知道。
I was horrified to hear that.
听到这个我很震惊。
And that she wanted to leave.
并且她想离开。
Dana Chivvis Eddie left the military in 2012, the same year as Charlie.
达纳·奇维斯·埃迪 (Dana Chivvis Eddie) 于 2012 年退伍，与查理同年退伍。
Charlie says when you go back to civilian life, you get a job, you've got your family and friends, but you miss having a greater mission.
查理说，当你回到平民生活时，你会找到一份工作，你会有家人和朋友，但你会怀念更伟大的使命。
Your sense of purpose is gone.
你的目标感消失了。
You have to evolve.
你必须进化。
But when I heard what Eddie did, I understood what he was thinking in that moment.
但当我听到埃迪所做的事情时，我明白了他那一刻的想法。
I guess I'm trying to explain in basic layman terms.
我想我正在尝试用基本的外行术语进行解释。
Without knowing myself, but maybe I can put myself in a few of their shoes with--
我不了解自己，但也许我可以设身处地为他们着想——
Can you talk about that?
你能谈谈吗？
Charlie About what?
查理关于什么？
Being able to put yourself in their shoes.
能够设身处地为他们着想。
I mean, can you talk about that?
我的意思是，你能谈谈吗？
Are you up for talking about that?
你愿意谈论这个吗？
[SIGHS] Sorry, I've been kind of dreading this.
[叹气]抱歉，我一直有点害怕这个。
OK.
好的。
Charlie [SIGHS] I'd like to say I'm brave enough to take that subject on, but I don't think I can do that.
查理[叹气]我想说我有足够的勇气接受这个话题，但我认为我做不到。
I don't think I can do that right--
我认为我做不到这一点——
That's fine.
没关系。
That's fine.
没关系。
Charlie's had his own bouts with suicidal thoughts.
查理也曾有过自杀念头。
They brought his career in the Navy to an end.
他们结束了他在海军的职业生涯。
He told me about it when the microphones were off.
当麦克风关闭时，他告诉了我这件事。
He said it was OK to talk about here.
他说可以在这里讨论。
I asked him if, in retrospect, the thing that got him about Eddie's funeral, the reason he felt compelled to write the essay, was that it could have been his own funeral.
我问他，回想起来，他之所以对埃迪的葬礼感兴趣，以及他觉得有必要写这篇文章的原因，是否是因为这可能是他自己的葬礼。
But he said no, that's not it.
但他说不，不是这样的。
And then he explained why he wrote the essay.
然后他解释了他写这篇文章的原因。
He said he knew from his time doing medivac flights that the mere sound of a helicopter approaching can improve the vital signs of a person on the verge of death.
他说，从他从事医疗运输飞行的经历中就知道，仅仅直升机接近的声音就可以改善濒临死亡的人的生命体征。
He said, "I wrote you because I wanted to be the sound of a helicopter to someone."
他说：“我写信给你是因为我想向某人传达直升机的声音。”
Ira Glass Dana Chivvis-- we wanted to share the phone number for the National Suicide Prevention Hotline.
Ira Glass Dana Chivvis——我们想分享国家自杀预防热线的电话号码。
That number is 800-273-TALK.
该号码是 800-273-TALK。
800-273-TALK.
800-273-谈话。
That guy Charlie who wrote that essay asked us to say that he dedicates his essay to a guy who helped him, a marine who died in Iraq, Major Richard Gannon II.
写那篇文章的查理要求我们把他的文章献给一位帮助过他的人，一位在伊拉克阵亡的海军陆战队员理查德·甘农二世少校。
Our program is produced today by Miki Meek.
今天我们的节目由 Miki Meek 制作。
People who put our show together includes Elma Baker, Ben Calhoun, Dana Chivvis, Sean Cole, Whitney Dangerfield, Hilary Elkins, Stephanie Foo, David Kestenbaum, Alvin Melathe, [?
制作我们节目的人包括 Elma Baker、Ben Calhoun、Dana Chivvis、Sean Cole、Whitney Dangerfield、Hilary Elkins、Stephanie Foo、David Kestenbaum、Alvin Melathe、[？
Stone ?] Nelson, Nadia Reiman, Robyn Semien, Alissa Shipp, Lilly Sullivan, Christopher Swetala, Matt Tierney, Julie Whitaker, and Diane Wu.
斯通？]尼尔森、纳迪亚·雷曼、罗宾·塞米恩、艾丽莎·希普、莉莉·沙利文、克里斯托弗·斯韦塔拉、马特·蒂尔尼、朱莉·惠特克和黛安·吴。
Our senior producer is Brian Reed, our managing editor is Susan Burton.
我们的高级制片人是布莱恩·里德，我们的总编辑是苏珊·伯顿。
Special thanks today to Judy Melinek, Wesley Lowery, Melissa Franklin, and David Morin.
今天特别感谢 Judy Melinek、Wesley Lowery、Melissa Franklin 和 David Morin。
Our website, thisamericanlife.org, where you can subscribe to our free weekly podcast or listen to the archive of over 600 episodes for absolutely free.
我们的网站 thisamericanlife.org，您可以在其中订阅我们的免费每周播客或完全免费收听 600 多集的存档。
"This American Life" is delivered to public radio stations by PRX, the Public Radio Exchange.
《This American Life》由公共广播电台 PRX 向公共广播电台播出。
Thanks as always to our program's co-founder, Mr. Torey Malatia.
一如既往地感谢我们计划的联合创始人 Torey Malatia 先生。
I know it's been a week since Mother's Day, but Torey is still reminiscing about how much fun he had.
我知道母亲节已经过去一周了，但托雷仍在回忆他度过的快乐时光。
I remember shoplifting from Walgreens and spending the night in jail.
我记得从沃尔格林商店行窃并在监狱里过夜。
I'm Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯。
Back next week with more stories of "This American Life."
下周将带来更多“美国生活”的故事。
[MUSIC - THE POLICE, "MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE"]
[音乐-警察，“瓶中信”]
I hope that someone gets my, I hope that someone gets my, I hope that someone gets my message in a bottle, yeah.
我希望有人能明白我的意思，我希望有人能明白我的意思，我希望有人能明白我在瓶子里的信息，是的。
This American Life is produced in collaboration with WBEZ Chicago and delivered to stations by PRX The Public Radio Exchange.
《This American Life》与 WBEZ Chicago 合作制作，并由 PRX 公共广播电台传送到各电台。