643: Damned If You Do… - This American Life
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00:00 00:00 Transcript Share This American Life Life Partners How to Listen Episodes Recommended About Overview Staff Announcements Fellowships Jobs Music Make Radio On The Road FAQ Submissions Merch Contact Us Our Other Shows Merch Follow Us Life Partners Subscribe to our newsletter Full episode Toggle Audio and Transcript Sync Transcript | Episode #643 | April 13, 2018 643: Damned If You Do…
00:00 00:00 文字记录 分享此 美国生活 生活伙伴 如何收听 剧集 推荐 关于 概述 员工公告 奖学金 工作 音乐 在路上制作电台 常见问题解答 提交 商品 联系我们 我们的其他节目 商品 关注我们 生活伙伴 订阅我们的时事通讯 整集 切换音频和文字记录同步 文字记录 | 内容第 643 集 | 2018 年 4 月 13 日 643：如果你这样做就该死……
Note: This American Life is produced for the ear and designed to be heard.
注：《美国生活》是为耳朵而制作的，旨在让人们听到。
If you are able, we strongly encourage you to listen to the audio, which includes emotion and emphasis that's not on the page.
如果可以的话，我们强烈建议您收听音频，其中包括页面上没有的情感和重点。
Transcripts are generated using a combination of speech recognition software and human transcribers, and may contain errors.
文字记录是使用语音识别软件和人工转录员结合生成的，可能包含错误。
Please check the corresponding audio before quoting in print.
请在印刷版引用前检查相应的音频。
Prologue Ira Glass A couple months ago, Amanda took her buddy Erin to see the rodeo in New York City at Madison Square Garden.
序言 Ira Glass 几个月前，阿曼达带着她的好友艾琳去纽约麦迪逊广场花园观看牛仔竞技表演。
Amanda goes nearly every year.
阿曼达几乎每年都会去。
Erin had never been.
艾琳从来没有去过。
This was the Professional Bull Riders tour.
这是职业公牛骑手之旅。
And one of the pleasures of that particular tour is the guy they have as a rodeo clown, Flint Rasmussen.
那次特别巡演的乐趣之一就是他们有一位牛仔竞技小丑弗林特·拉斯穆森（Flint Rasmussen）。
The guy's like a consummate entertainer, like consummate entertainer.
这家伙就像一个完美的艺人，就像一个完美的艺人。
What do you mean?
你是什么意思？
Amanda I mean he commands the crowd.
阿曼达，我的意思是他指挥着人群。
That's Amanda.
那是阿曼达。
Rasmussen's official title, in fact, is not rodeo clown or barrelman.
事实上，拉斯穆森的官方头衔并不是牛仔竞技小丑或酒桶曼。
It's entertainer.
这是艺人。
And unlike what you may picture in a rodeo clown, he speaks.
与你想象中的牛仔竞技小丑不同的是，他会说话。
He does a running patter the whole show, joking with the audience.
他在整个演出中不停地跑来跑去，与观众开玩笑。
He works in clown makeup and a cowboy hat, baggy gym shorts, athletic jersey.
他化着小丑妆，戴着牛仔帽，穿着宽松的运动短裤和运动衫。
Her friend Erin totally enjoyed him.
她的朋友艾琳非常喜欢他。
He was constantly finding people in the crowd who had their cowboy hat on backwards.
他经常在人群中发现牛仔帽反戴的人。
Yes, backwards.
是的，向后。
These were New Yorkers out for the night in Western gear, having no idea how to do it properly.
这些纽约人穿着西方装备外出过夜，却不知道如何正确行事。
Flint would have the cameramen pop them onto the JumboTron.
弗林特会让摄影师将它们放到 JumboTron 上。
I mean it was a great joke, you know.
我的意思是这是一个很大的笑话，你知道。
He called them Woody, like the Toy Story character.
他称他们为伍迪，就像玩具总动员中的角色一样。
Rasmussen's also an amazing dancer and great physical mimic.
拉斯穆森还是一位出色的舞者和出色的身体模仿者。
He can move like Michael Jackson or Elvis or, for laughs, a piece of bacon on the griddle.
他可以像迈克尔·杰克逊或猫王一样移动，或者，为了搞笑，他可以像煎锅上的一块培根一样移动。
He dances with people in the audience.
他与观众一起跳舞。
And in that show at Madison Square Garden, there came this moment.
在麦迪逊广场花园的那场演出中，出现了这一刻。
He was out in the audience, moving up the aisles.
他出现在观众席中，沿着过道走去。
Here's Erin.
这是艾琳。
He was dancing with people in the crowd, interacting with them.
他在人群中与人们跳舞，与他们互动。
And a girl in her mid-20s came down to dance.
一个二十多岁的女孩下来跳舞。
And he visibly got uncomfortable, and started backing off, and asked the arena if she was too young and if this was appropriate for him to be dancing with her.
他明显感到不舒服，开始后退，并询问舞台上她是否太年轻，他是否适合与她一起跳舞。
And what does the arena say?
竞技场说什么？
Erin The arena is fine.
艾琳 竞技场很好。
The girl on the JumboTron visually gives consent, verbally gives consent, said, yes, yes, yes, yes.
JumboTron上的女孩视觉上表示同意，口头上表示同意，说，是，是，是，是。
She was ushering him closer.
她正在引导他靠近。
As he was backing away, she was like, no, you can come closer.
当他后退时，她说，不，你可以靠近一点。
And he shakes his head and walks away, while she's still egging him on.
当她还在怂恿他时，他摇摇头走开了。
But he does not want to cross a line.
但他不想越界。
And remember please, this is a man in clown makeup and a cowboy hat.
请记住，这是一个化着小丑妆、戴着牛仔帽的男人。
Erin was like, wait.
艾琳说，等等。
Has #MeToo made it to clowns?
#MeToo 已经成为小丑了吗？
I turned over and looked at my friends.
我转过身，看着我的朋友们。
And I was like, you would not have seen this a year ago.
我当时想，一年前你不会看到这个。
Yeah.
是的。
Erin This is an amazing experience to see how the world is changing right in front of your eyes.
艾琳 这是一次奇妙的体验，可以看到世界如何在你眼前发生变化。
Now remember her friend Amanda had seen Flint Rasmussen many times before at Madison Square Garden.
现在请记住，她的朋友阿曼达以前曾在麦迪逊广场花园多次见过弗林特·拉斯穆森。
And she told me, yeah, in the past, he would dance with a young woman as comedy.
她告诉我，是的，在过去，他会和一个年轻女子跳舞作为喜剧。
Yeah.
是的。
Like very big, very exaggerated, very physical, slightly inept.
喜欢很大，很夸张，很体力，有点无能。
But in general, his shtick with women was fake flirting.
但总的来说，他对女人的伎俩是假调情。
Fake flirting, yeah, in very cartoonish, over the top.
假调情，是的，非常卡通化，太过分了。
Playful.
好玩。
And she says never threatening, never, ever creepy.
她说永远不要威胁，永远不要令人毛骨悚然。
And he's really floppy.
而且他真的很软弱。
And, you know, he's this middle-aged, corny guy wearing gym shorts.
而且，你知道，他是个穿着运动短裤、老套的中年人。
But this was his first show in New York since #MeToo, the first show of this year's tour.
但这是他自#MeToo（今年巡演的首场演出）以来在纽约的首场演出。
And once Erin pointed out to Amanda how weird that moment was with the woman in the aisle, they both were like, maybe he's still finding his way.
当艾琳向阿曼达指出那个女人在过道里的那一刻是多么奇怪时，他们俩都说，也许他还在寻找自己的出路。
Maybe he's trying to figure out how a man in clown makeup navigates this new #MeToo world.
也许他正试图弄清楚一个化着小丑妆的男人如何驾驭这个新的#MeToo世界。
And they both started watching for other moments.
他们都开始关注其他时刻。
And sure enough, at one point, Flint greeted some celebrities in the audience-- Miss USA and some other pageant winners, Miss Delaware and Miss New Jersey.
果然，弗林特有一次向观众中的一些名人致意——美国小姐和其他一些选美冠军，特拉华小姐和新泽西小姐。
Again, here's Erin.
再说一次，这是艾琳。
And the JumboTron went to them.
JumboTron 走向了他们。
And the rodeo clown asked Madison Square Garden, should I go visit them?
牛仔竞技小丑问麦迪逊广场花园，我应该去参观他们吗？
Should I go see them?
我应该去看看他们吗？
And the JumboTron followed him.
JumboTron 跟随着他。
And he was photobombing them almost behind them.
他几乎在他们身后对他们进行了照片轰炸。
While the JumboTron was on the girls, he was kind of poking his head in between them with his hands up.
当 JumboTron 对准女孩们时，他举起双手，将头探入她们之间。
But his hands were very visible.
但他的手却非常明显。
It just felt like a physical manifestation of, I'm not crossing any lines.
感觉就像是一种身体表现，我没有跨越任何界限。
And I want everyone to see.
我希望每个人都看到。
I feel like in the past, he'd probably put his arms around them.
我觉得在过去，他可能会用双臂拥抱他们。
You know, he would engage with them.
你知道，他会与他们接触。
They're beautiful ladies.
她们是美丽的女士。
But instead, he did not touch them.
但他却没有碰它们。
He asked the crowd, what should I do?
他问众人，我该怎么办？
He asked them, what should I do?
他问他们，我该怎么办？
And it was like a real question?
这就像一个真正的问题吗？
It was more perplexed.
心里更疑惑了。
Ira Glass Like, what do I do?
Ira Glass 就像，我该怎么办？
Yeah.
是的。
Like, what do I do?
比如，我该怎么办？
Like all of his usual shticks, something that he's done forever and ever, rodeo pageant queens, how he'd interact with beautiful women, how he would interact for all the years that he's been doing this up until this point no longer is valid.
就像他所有惯用的伎俩一样，他永远都在做的事情，牛仔竞技选美皇后，他如何与美丽的女人互动，他多年来一直这样做的方式，直到现在不再有效。
It seemed like this veteran showman was caught in this "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation.
这位经验丰富的表演者似乎陷入了“做该死，不做该死”的境地。
There were beauty queens at the show.
展会上有选美皇后。
And it's his job.
这是他的工作。
He had to do something with them.
他必须对他们做点什么。
If he would do the old fake flirting shtick, maybe that wasn't gonna play so well that particular month, when middle-aged men were losing their careers for unwanted advances on young women.
如果他会做那种古老的假调情动作，也许在那个特定的月份效果不会那么好，因为中年男人因为对年轻女性的不受欢迎的追求而失去了自己的职业生涯。
But saying, what do I do?
但说，我该怎么办？
That didn't seem like a great alternative either.
这似乎也不是一个很好的选择。
It was more awkward than I expected and slightly uncomfortable.
这比我想象的更尴尬，而且有点不舒服。
I don't know what to do right now.
我现在不知道该怎么办。
I remember saying that.
我记得这么说过。
I reached Flint Rasmussen when he was off the road and back in his home state, Montana.
当弗林特·拉斯穆森离开公路回到他的家乡蒙大拿州时，我找到了他。
He does a lot of shows, but Madison Square Garden's a big deal.
他举办了很多演出，但麦迪逊广场花园是一件大事。
And so--
所以——
I remember the moment I stopped and said, I'm not really sure what I can do here.
我记得我停下来的那一刻说，我不太确定我能在这里做什么。
And I kind of put my hands up like, hi, you guys.
我举起手来，就像，嗨，你们。
And maybe it's not something I should say in a microphone.
也许这不是我应该在麦克风里说的话。
But I felt like I had a pretty good rapport with the crowd at that point, and they'd get what I was saying.
但我觉得那时我与人群的关系非常融洽，他们会明白我在说什么。
He told me that, sure, that moment might've looked awkward to somebody in the audience.
他告诉我，当然，那一刻对于观众中的某些人来说可能看起来很尴尬。
But he swears he was playing it for awkwardness intentionally.
但他发誓他是故意玩这个来尴尬的。
He thought it would play funnier.
他认为这样会更有趣。
And he said the adjustments that he made in his performance that night in New York City were not really very big.
他说，他在纽约当晚的表现调整并不是很大。
He's never been the kind of rodeo clown who would mack on women onstage.
他从来都不是那种在舞台上对女性下手的竞技小丑。
He's careful to be respectful.
他很小心地表现出尊重。
When he dances with any woman in the show, he says, it's just not entertaining if there's any whiff that he might be hitting on her.
他说，当他与节目中的任何一位女性跳舞时，如果他有任何可能对她产生兴趣的气味，那就没意思了。
And if someone in their 20s comes down and sees what I'm doing, I don't wanna be that creepy guy dancing with the 20-year-old girl.
如果一个 20 多岁的人下来看到我在做什么，我不想成为那个和 20 岁女孩跳舞的令人毛骨悚然的家伙。
It was the perception of the woman who'd seen you before.
这是以前见过你的女人的看法。
She felt like in the past, you wouldn't have asked the crowd, what should I do?
她觉得以前，你不会去问众人，我该怎么办？
You know--
你知道——
Yeah, probably.
是的，可能是。
I may not have said that, honestly.
老实说，我可能没有这么说过。
I don't know.
我不知道。
I would've maybe said, hey, let's get a picture, and put my arms around them possibly, which I still will eventually do and still maybe should have.
我可能会说，嘿，让我们拍张照片，然后用我的手臂拥抱他们，我最终仍然会这样做，也许仍然应该这样做。
But I think any performer, if it's not on your mind, you have not turned on the television.
但我认为任何表演者，如果你不介意，你就没有打开电视。
You are not with it.
你不同意它。
It is in the back of your mind.
它就在你的脑海里。
To hear Flint tell it, all this is no big deal.
在弗林特看来，这一切都没什么大不了的。
Change is happening in the culture.
文化正在发生变化。
He noticed, took it in, and then revised how he acted onstage by turning all this into shtick.
他注意到了这一点，接受了这一点，然后通过把这一切变成了搞笑来修改他在舞台上的表现。
If only things were always so simple.
要是事情总是这么简单就好了。
Today in our program, we have stories of people who end up in situations where it is not clear at all how to proceed.
今天，在我们的节目中，我们讲述了人们最终陷入完全不清楚如何继续下去的情况的故事。
And they really do feel like every option leaves them in a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" kind of place.
他们确实觉得每一个选择都会让他们陷入“做也该死，不做也该死”的境地。
And then, they have to figure out a path forward.
然后，他们必须找出前进的道路。
From WBEZ Chicago, it's This American Life.
来自芝加哥 WBEZ 的《This American Life》。
I'm Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯。
Stay with us.
留在我们身边。
Act One, The Borrowers.
第一幕，借款人。
So this is sort of an impossible choice that some refugees are going to have to make.
因此，这是一些难民不得不做出的一个不可能的选择。
And this is something new in the last year or two.
这是最近一两年的新事物。
And it's happening at one of the biggest and oldest refugee camps in the world, this camp called Dadaab, this vast sprawl of makeshift housing that's way out in the hot, arid plains of Kenya.
这一切都发生在世界上最大、最古老的难民营之一，这个名为达达布的难民营，这是一个巨大的临时住房，位于肯尼亚炎热、干旱的平原上。
Just under a quarter million people live there.
那里居住着不到 25 万人。
Most of them fled civil war and famine just across the border in Somalia.
他们中的大多数人是为了逃离索马里边境的内战和饥荒。
You should probably know we're in the middle of the largest refugee crisis since World War II.
您可能应该知道我们正处于二战以来最大的难民危机之中。
The Trump administration has pretty much stopped resettling refugees from this camp and from lots of places to here in the United States, even people with life-threatening illnesses.
特朗普政府几乎已经停止将难民从这个难民营和美国许多地方重新安置到这里，甚至包括那些患有危及生命的疾病的人。
But the US does give food.
但美国确实提供食物。
There's bipartisan consensus in Congress on this.
国会两党对此达成共识。
We are the biggest donor by far to this camp and in general around the world.
迄今为止，我们是该营地乃至全世界最大的捐助者。
No other country is even close, though in recent years other countries have cut back.
尽管近年来其他国家已经削减了开支，但没有其他国家能接近这一水平。
And food supplies are just not keeping pace with the number of people who need food, which brings us to the impossible choice that refugees are having to make at this camp in Kenya.
粮食供应跟不上需要食物的人数，这让我们看到难民在肯尼亚这个难民营中不得不做出的不可能的选择。
It begins with food.
这要从食物开始。
Reporter Kevin Sieff, who until recently was The Washington Post bureau chief in Nairobi, explains.
直到最近担任《华盛顿邮报》内罗毕分社社长的记者凯文·西夫 (Kevin Sieff) 解释道。
Over the last couple of years, the food situation here went from bad to worse.
近几年来，这里的粮食形势每况愈下。
The UN used to consistently provide enough food at the camp for three meals each day-- things like rice, vegetable oil, wheat flour.
联合国过去一直在营地提供足够的一日三餐食物——比如大米、植物油、小麦粉。
A lot of people told me they went from three meals a day to just one.
很多人告诉我，他们从一日三餐变成了只吃一顿。
Recently, the UN has increased rations.
最近，联合国增加了口粮。
But the situation's still pretty dire.
但情况仍然相当严峻。
For a bunch of bureaucratic reasons, a lot of the food that the UN gets from the US is sorghum.
由于一系列官僚原因，联合国从美国获得的许多食物都是高粱。
I didn't know what it is.
我不知道那是什么。
And it turns out neither do the people in Dadaab.
事实证明，达达布的人们也不这么认为。
It's a kind of cereal that they have no idea how to cook and that they don't like.
这是一种他们不知道如何烹饪并且不喜欢的谷物。
People usually barter it away.
人们通常会以物易物。
Hadija Ahmed, 58 years old, a single mom with three kids in the camp, she remembers when the rations were cut two years ago.
哈迪贾·艾哈迈德 (Hadija Ahmed) 58 岁，是一位单亲妈妈，在营地里带着三个孩子，她还记得两年前口粮被削减的情景。
[NON-ENGLISH SPEECH] Interpreter We used to get milk, rice, wheat flour, cooking oil, even canned tuna.
[非英语演讲] 翻译 我们过去常常买牛奶、大米、面粉、食用油，甚至金枪鱼罐头。
But now, we don't know what's happened.
但现在，我们不知道发生了什么。
Hadija's kids started complaining that they were hungry.
哈迪贾的孩子们开始抱怨他们饿了。
She's used to figuring things out.
她习惯于把事情弄清楚。
So to fill the gaps, she started going to a tiny shop in the camp.
因此，为了填补空白，她开始去营地里的一家小商店。
Lots of people do this.
很多人都这样做。
The markets are run mostly by other refugees and stocked with produce from outside the camp.
市场主要由其他难民经营，里面摆满了来自营地外的农产品。
Hadija asked the shopkeeper if she could take a little rice and milk on credit, thinking, I'll be able to pay this back.
哈迪贾问店主是否可以赊购一点大米和牛奶，心想，我能还清这些。
She also bought medicine and school uniforms.
她还买了药品和校服。
And her debt kept growing.
她的债务不断增加。
The Kenyan government doesn't allow refugees to work outside the camp.
肯尼亚政府不允许难民在难民营外工作。
And then after two years, this past December, the store owner had enough and cut her off.
两年后，去年 12 月，店主受够了，并与她断绝了联系。
[NON-ENGLISH SPEECH] Interpreter So he closed the accounts, like, this is the end of it.
[非英语演讲] 翻译所以他关闭了帐户，就像，这就是结束。
I went back home.
我回家了。
I cried.
我哭了。
My mind was full of, you know, troubles and stress.
你知道，我的脑子里充满了烦恼和压力。
And I did not talk to the kids for a day or two.
我有一两天没有和孩子们说话。
Hadija is in debt for an impossible sum here-- $350.
哈迪贾 (Hadija) 欠下了一笔巨额债务——350 美元。
And now her creditor was hounding her to come up with the money.
现在她的债主催促她拿出钱。
[NON-ENGLISH SPEECH] Interpreter He keeps on asking me, why don't you pay my debt?
[非英语演讲] 翻译 他一直问我，你为什么不还我的债？
Do you want to run away with my debt?
你想背负我的债逃跑吗？
Are you refusing to pay my debt?
你拒绝偿还我的债务吗？
Busting my brains, how nagging it is.
绞尽脑汁，这是多么令人烦恼啊。
The guy who owns the shop is named Abdi Nor.
这家店的老板名叫阿卜迪·诺尔。
Hadija says he came by her house with a Kenyan police officer and threatened to arrest her.
哈迪贾说，他和一名肯尼亚警察来到她家，威胁要逮捕她。
She knew it could get even worse than that.
她知道情况可能会变得更糟。
People are often beaten up or killed over personal disputes.
人们经常因个人纠纷而遭到殴打或杀害。
There was only one solution left.
只剩下一种解决办法了。
The UN does have a program that will give you money, more money than most of the refugees here have ever seen.
联合国确实有一个项目可以给你钱，比这里大多数难民见过的钱都多。
But it comes with a crazy catch.
但它也带来了一个疯狂的收获。
You have to return home to the country you fled.
你必须回到你逃离的国家。
Refugees in Dadaab can get about $150 per person upfront if they agree to go back to Somalia.
达达布的难民如果同意返回索马里，每人可以获得大约 150 美元的预付款。
I know how that sounds.
我知道这听起来怎么样。
They'll leave a relatively safe place and move back to the same war zone that they ran from.
他们会离开一个相对安全的地方，回到他们逃离的同一个战区。
Posters all over the camp advertise this program.
营地各处都贴有海报宣传该计划。
In one, a woman stands in a field with a bag on her back and a baby on her chest.
在其中一张照片中，一名妇女站在田野里，背着一个袋子，胸前抱着一个婴儿。
It says, return is my choice.
它说，回归是我的选择。
Hadija decided to do it.
哈迪贾决定这么做。
[NON-ENGLISH SPEECH] Interpreter All avenues are closed for me.
[非英语演讲] 翻译 所有途径对我来说都是关闭的。
There's not any other alternative.
没有其他选择。
I have to go because of the debt.
因为欠债我必须走了。
She was returning to a failed state, a place she hadn't been to since 1998.
她正在回到一个失败的状态，自 1998 年以来她就没有去过这个地方。
The morning she was leaving for Mogadishu, I met up with her and her kids at a transit center.
她动身前往摩加迪沙的那天早上，我在一个转运中心与她和她的孩子们见面。
They were surrounded by suitcases and big plastic bags with other families who were waiting to board planes and buses back to Somalia.
他们周围堆满了手提箱和大塑料袋，其他家庭也在等待登上返回索马里的飞机和公共汽车。
[NON-ENGLISH SPEECH] Interpreter This morning.
[非英语演讲] 今天早上有口译员。
Hadija's saying, I'm sad this morning.
哈迪贾说，今天早上我很伤心。
Her son and daughter are 19 and 17.
她的儿子和女儿分别19岁和17岁。
She raised them in the camp alone.
她独自在营地里抚养他们。
Her husband died years ago.
她的丈夫几年前去世了。
They have no memories of Mogadishu.
他们对摩加迪沙没有任何记忆。
They don't want to go back.
他们不想回去。
[NON-ENGLISH SPEECH] Interpreter But I'm just stopping myself from crying.
[非英语演讲] 翻译 但我只是阻止自己哭泣。
The kids get scared.
孩子们会害怕。
I'm afraid they might sneak away and run away when they see me crying like this because they think I'm taking them to a bad place.
我担心他们看到我哭成这样，会偷偷溜走，因为他们认为我带他们去了一个不好的地方。
She was so worried about them running off that the night before, she slept between the two of them.
她很担心他们会跑掉，所以前一天晚上，她就睡在他们两个中间。
Nobody was getting any real sleep, though.
不过，没有人真正入睡。
Her son Ahmed was a few months away from graduating high school.
她的儿子艾哈迈德还有几个月就高中毕业了。
Now, he was dropping out and going to a place where boys his age were kidnapped by insurgents.
现在，他正在退学，前往一个与他同龄的男孩被叛乱分子绑架的地方。
This is Ahmed.
这是艾哈迈德。
Yeah.
是的。
I was just-- I was awake, chatting with my friends, saying them goodbye.
我只是——我醒着，和朋友们聊天，向他们道别。
I was thinking about making new friends.
我正在考虑结交新朋友。
It's hard to make a new friend, you know.
你知道，结交新朋友很难。
I'm thinking about what will happen.
我在想会发生什么。
My life is going to be dangerous because I'm going somewhere which is dangerous.
我的生活将会很危险，因为我要去一个危险的地方。
And I can't trust that I can live there a long time.
我不敢相信我能在那里住很长时间。
Do you know why your mom's making this decision?
你知道你妈妈为什么做出这个决定吗？
Yeah.
是的。
I know very well.
我很清楚。
The main reason that she's going back is for us.
她回来的主要原因是为了我们。
If we were not there, she will not borrow any debt.
如果我们不在，她就不会借任何债务。
Yeah.
是的。
I'm changing my life because of that money.
因为这笔钱，我正在改变我的生活。
If there was not that money, I will stay here.
如果没有那么多钱，我就留在这里。
Ahmed kept telling me how guilty he felt.
艾哈迈德一直告诉我他感到多么内疚。
He said Hadija was a good mom.
他说哈迪贾是一位好妈妈。
When he asked for shoes, she bought them.
当他要鞋子时，她就买了。
When he was hungry, she fed him.
他饿了，她就喂他。
He never thought about how she was paying for everything.
他从来没有想过她是如何支付这一切的。
He was a kid.
他还是个孩子。
But now he thinks maybe they wouldn't be going back to Somalia if he hadn't asked for so much.
但现在他想，如果他没有提出这么多要求，他们也许就不会回到索马里了。
I'd met creditors like the one who loaned money to Hadija.
我遇到过像向哈迪贾借钱的债权人。
They were pretty menacing guys, gangster types with dark sunglasses and jewelry, relentless in their attempts to get their money back.
他们是非常具有威胁性的家伙，戴着墨镜和珠宝的黑帮类型，不遗余力地试图收回他们的钱。
At one point, after talking to Hadija for a while, I was off talking to my interpreter.
有一次，在与哈迪贾交谈了一段时间后，我就不再和我的翻译交谈了。
And he said, hey, you know her creditor, the store owner, he's here with her.
他说，嘿，你认识她的债主，店主，他和她在一起。
And I looked over.
我看了过去。
And there he was, this guy Abdi Nor.
他就在那里，这个家伙阿卜迪·诺尔。
He'd snuck into the transit center.
他偷偷溜进了转运中心。
He wanted to make sure she was leaving so he'd get all of his money back.
他想确保她离开，这样他就能拿回所有的钱。
He had no sunglasses, no jewelry.
他没有戴墨镜，也没有佩戴首饰。
He was carrying a brown notebook with an itemized bill for Hadija.
他拿着一本棕色笔记本，上面有哈迪贾的详细账单。
What's in the notebook?
笔记本里有什么？
Abdi Nor Like this is rice, 6,508 shillings.
阿卜迪·诺尔 这是大米，6,508 先令。
For sugar, 5,500.
对于糖来说，5,500。
And this is 4,900 in cash.
这是4900现金。
Total, there are about, let's see, about 15 lines with a big line under all of that that says 35,000 shillings, or $350.
让我们看看，总共大约有 15 条线，所有线下都有一条大线，上面写着 35,000 先令，即 350 美元。
But as I spent more time with them, I realized Abdi wasn't some kind of mob boss trying to shake people down for money.
但随着我和他们相处的时间越来越多，我意识到阿卜迪并不是那种为了金钱而压榨人们的黑帮老大。
He's a 23-year-old guy who still looks like a kid-- soft-spoken, a failing attempt at a mustache, sitting quietly on the ground next to Hadija.
他是一个 23 岁的小伙子，看起来仍然像个孩子——说话轻声细语，没能留起小胡子，静静地坐在哈迪贾旁边的地上。
It turns out they live in the same block in the camp, and he's friends with her kids.
原来他们住在营地的同一个街区，而且他和她的孩子们是朋友。
They actually have a real relationship.
他们实际上有真正的关系。
That's why Abdi Nor let her take out groceries on credit from his tiny sheet metal stall in one of Dadaab's busy markets.
这就是为什么阿卜迪·诺尔让她从他位于达达布繁忙市场之一的小金属板摊位赊购杂货。
She comes to me every day while she's crying.
她每天都哭着来找我。
She's saying, I don't have food for my children.
她说，我没有食物给我的孩子们吃。
I have felt very emotional because I don't want to see her children suffering.
我感到非常激动，因为我不想看到她的孩子受苦。
And I know her.
我认识她。
I can't see her dying.
我不能眼睁睁看着她死去。
I know her situation.
我知道她的情况。
So I've just allowed her to take that money from me.
所以我就允许她拿走我的钱。
And the money that I have given to Hadija, that's a lot of money, almost half of my yearly earning.
我给哈迪贾的钱是很多钱，几乎是我年收入的一半。
Half of your yearly earning.
你年收入的一半。
Abdi Nor Yeah.
阿卜迪·诺尔 是的。
Hadija's debt, $350, that's the most credit Abdi Nor has ever lent out to any of his customers.
Hadija 的债务为 350 美元，这是 Abdi Nor 借给任何客户的最高信用额度。
Most of them are running smaller tabs with him-- $16 there, another $40 here.
他们中的大多数人都与他一起支付较小的费用——那里 16 美元，这里另外 40 美元。
It adds up.
加起来。
In total, Abdi Nor is in way more debt than Hadija-- about $1,500 to the big shops outside of the camp, mostly other Somalis living in Kenya.
总的来说，阿卜迪·诺尔的债务比哈迪贾多得多——大约 1,500 美元欠营地外的大商店，其中大部分是居住在肯尼亚的其他索马里人。
It scares him, the hole he's dug for himself.
这让他感到害怕，这是他为自己挖的坑。
He says he had no choice but to cut Hadija off.
他说他别无选择，只能切断哈迪贾的联系。
So when you were asking for your money, you could see that it was stressing her out.
所以当你要钱时，你可以看出这给她带来了压力。
Yeah.
是的。
And I also feel sorry for her.
而且我也为她感到难过。
But I don't have any other option.
但我没有其他选择。
I need my money.
我需要我的钱。
I have a small shop.
我有一个小商店。
I'm about to close that shop because of this debt.
由于这笔债务，我即将关闭那家商店。
Do you think the police would have arrested her eventually if she had stayed?
你认为如果她留下来警察最终会逮捕她吗？
Yeah.
是的。
I think they will have come for her.
我想他们会来找她的。
Because they may also come for me.
因为他们也可能来找我。
I think I may be forced to go back to Somalia because I am facing the problems they are facing also.
我想我可能被迫返回索马里，因为我也面临着他们所面临的问题。
I mean are you going to be in the same situation as she is?
我的意思是，你会遇到和她一样的情况吗？
The only way to pay that debt is the same--?
偿还债务的唯一方法是一样的——？
It's the same way.
方法是一样的。
I don't have another option.
我没有其他选择。
People all over the world risk their lives in boats and with smugglers to try to get refugee status.
世界各地的人们冒着生命危险乘船和走私者试图获得难民身份。
But you can give up refugee status too.
但您也可以放弃难民身份。
There's a name for the process-- deregistration.
这个过程有一个名字——注销。
I followed Hadija and her family through the process.
我跟随哈迪贾和她的家人完成了整个过程。
They're taken from table to table to sign forms and to give their fingerprints-- a conveyor belt of bureaucracies.
他们被从一张桌子带到另一张桌子，签署表格并留下指纹——这是官僚机构的传送带。
OK.
好的。
So now Hadija's coming.
现在哈迪贾来了。
Deregistration Officer [NON-ENGLISH SPEECH]
注销官 [非英语演讲]
[NON-ENGLISH SPEECH] Interpreter Now I'm about to surrender my refugee status on this table.
[非英语演讲] 口译员 现在我即将在这张桌子上放弃我的难民身份。
One of the deregistration officers then says this is the last process.
一名注销官员随后表示，这是最后一个过程。
This is the last process.
这是最后一个过程。
Kevin Sieff So are they surrendering their refugee status?
凯文·西夫 那么他们要放弃难民身份吗？
Is that what's happening?
是这样吗？
They are surrendering their refugee status here.
他们正在这里放弃难民身份。
We are taking the fingerprint of the left thumb to show that this person has left the country to his own country.
我们正在采集左手大拇指的指纹，以表明此人已离开该国回到自己的国家。
So after this, they are no longer refugees.
所以从此以后，他们就不再是难民了。
They are Somalis.
他们是索马里人。
They are not refugees.
他们不是难民。
Right now, they are Somali citizens, not Kenyan refugees.
现在，他们是索马里公民，而不是肯尼亚难民。
It's a big moment.
这是一个重要的时刻。
It's hard to explain the magnitude of what Hadija is giving up.
很难解释哈迪贾放弃的东西有多大。
She was a part of a tiny fraction of refugees who had been singled out by the UN a few years ago for possible resettlement in the United States.
她是几年前被联合国挑选出来可能在美国重新安置的一小部分难民的一部分。
She says she'd already done a couple of interviews.
她说她已经完成了几次采访。
Now, she's pulling herself out of the pipeline.
现在，她正在把自己从管道中拉出来。
And if Hadija decided she wanted to come back from Somalia again, she would no longer be considered a refugee.
如果哈迪贾决定再次从索马里回来，她将不再被视为难民。
It would be harder to get food and shelter and to get her kids back in school at the camp.
获得食物和住所以及让她的孩子重返营地的学校将会更加困难。
As I watch Hadija go through this, so many of the UN and Kenyan government workers who are shuffling Hadija and all these refugees through the process tell me how terrible they feel and what a bad idea they think it is for people to go back to Somalia.
当我看到哈迪贾经历这一切时，许多联合国和肯尼亚政府工作人员在整个过程中对哈迪贾和所有这些难民进行洗牌，他们告诉我他们的感受有多么可怕，他们认为人们返回索马里是一个多么糟糕的主意。
For the refugees now life has become some more hard.
对于现在的难民来说，生活变得更加艰难了一些。
People are expecting to get resettlement.
人们期待着重新安置。
And resettlement now is-- Trump has refused them to go back.
现在的重新安置是——特朗普拒绝让他们回去。
So I think some of them, they have lost hope of seeing this come.
所以我认为他们中的一些人已经失去了看到这种情况发生的希望。
We are feeling of guilt of doing this, but because--
我们对这样做感到内疚，但因为——
You feel guilty doing it.
你这样做会感到内疚。
Worker Yes.
工人 是的。
We feel guilty because we don't want these people to go back.
我们感到内疚，因为我们不想让这些人回去。
We want them to stay.
我们希望他们留下来。
Some refugees who've returned to Mogadishu have died in terrorist attacks.
一些返回摩加迪沙的难民在恐怖袭击中丧生。
Others have already come back to Dadaab.
其他人已经回到达达布。
And they've tried to warn people like Hadija that it's too dangerous.
他们试图警告像哈迪贾这样的人，这太危险了。
I talked to top UN officials about this, about refugees using repatriation money to pay off their debt.
我与联合国高级官员讨论了难民使用遣返资金来偿还债务的问题。
They say they're aware that it's a problem facing some people.
他们说他们意识到这是一些人面临的问题。
They dispute that it's widespread.
他们认为这种现象很普遍。
And they aren't ready to change the program.
他们还没有准备好改变计划。
They say there's a need for a program like this.
他们说需要这样的程序。
Some refugees don't want to live at Dadaab anymore.
一些难民不想再住在达达布了。
They need the repatriation money to restart their lives in Somalia.
他们需要遣返资金才能在索马里重新开始生活。
The real problem here, the UN said, is that it's caught in its own impossible position.
联合国表示，真正的问题是它陷入了自己不可能的境地。
It's just not getting enough foreign aid to buy food.
只是没有获得足够的外国援助来购买食物。
Later, we all got on a pink bus with yellow stars on the windows and took the bumpy road out to the airstrip.
后来，我们都坐上了一辆窗户上有黄色星星的粉红色巴士，沿着崎岖不平的道路前往机场。
The airstrip is an exclamation mark of asphalt, the only paved thing for miles, surrounded by an endless plain of lava-red sand.
飞机跑道是一个感叹号的沥青路，是方圆数英里内唯一铺砌的跑道，周围是一望无际的熔岩红沙平原。
I've been reporting at this camp over the last few years.
过去几年我一直在这个训练营进行报道。
And I've come to think of this strip as the capital of the camp, the departure point for its luckiest and unluckiest residents.
我开始将这条地带视为营地的首都，是最幸运和最不幸的居民的出发点。
I got used to meeting families clutching their winter coats in the 100-degree heat with paperwork that named their future homes in places like Seattle and Minneapolis.
我习惯了在 100 华氏度的高温下见到一些家庭，他们手里拿着冬季外套，上面写着他们未来在西雅图和明尼阿波利斯等地的家的名字。
Now, with refugee resettlement stalled under President Trump, those flights have pretty much stopped.
现在，随着特朗普总统领导下的难民安置工作陷入停滞，这些航班几乎已经停止。
Instead, the planes are headed for Somalia.
相反，这些飞机将飞往索马里。
When Hadija and her family arrived at the airfield, she and other refugees dragged all their belongings off the bus-- suitcases, along with mattresses, Qurans, pots and pans.
当哈迪贾和她的家人到达机场时，她和其他难民把他们所有的物品拖下巴士——手提箱、床垫、古兰经、锅碗瓢盆。
A few minutes later, a UN official sitting under a white tent calls out her name.
几分钟后，坐在白色帐篷下的一名联合国官员喊出了她的名字。
They're in line.
他们在排队。
They're getting their money now.
他们现在拿到钱了。
She's putting her fingerprints down under her name.
她正在把指纹记在名字下面。
Kids, come over here.
孩子们，过来吧。
Kevin Sieff And now it's her daughter's turn.
凯文·西夫 现在轮到她女儿了。
She's putting her fingerprints down.
她正在按指纹。
OK.
好的。
So there's a line of people.
于是就有了人排队。
And there's a man with a pile of white envelopes.
还有一个男人拿着一堆白色信封。
Each of them has a name on it.
他们每个人身上都有一个名字。
He takes the cash out of the envelope-- $100 bills-- and counts them in front of them.
他从信封里拿出现金——100 美元的钞票——并在他们面前数了数。
[NON-ENGLISH SPEECH] Kevin Sieff I see he counted $450.
[非英语演讲] Kevin Sieff 我看到他数了 450 美元。
And he's handing it now to Hadija.
他现在将其交给哈迪贾。
They're giving her the repatriation money right here in cash, four 100s and a 50 in US bills.
他们给她的遣返费是现金、四张 100 元和一张 50 元的美钞。
That's the total for her and her son and her daughter-- $150 per person.
这是她和她的儿子和女儿的总费用——每人 150 美元。
So now Hadija's walking away.
现在哈迪贾要走开了。
She's got the envelope with the money.
她拿到了装有钱的信封。
And we just need to follow them.
我们只需要跟随他们。
Let's go.
我们走吧。
We give out the money, the debt, that's what my mom said.
我们把钱、债务都拿出来，这就是我妈妈说的。
She immediately starts walking towards Abdi Nor, who somehow made it onto the airstrip.
她立即开始向阿卜迪·诺尔走去，阿卜迪·诺尔以某种方式登上了机场。
She's taking the money out.
她正在把钱拿出来。
She just handed it to Abdi Nor in the white envelope.
她只是把它装在白色信封里递给阿卜迪·诺尔。
She did this right in front of UN officials, officials who are here to oversee this process that the UN calls voluntary repatriation.
她是在联合国官员面前这样做的，这些官员来这里是为了监督联合国称之为自愿遣返的进程。
Around 100 feet away, a bunch of other refugees are also paying their creditors, slipping bills through the barbed wire fence at the edge of the airfield.
大约 100 英尺外，一群其他难民也在向债权人付款，他们通过机场边缘的铁丝网寄出账单。
Everywhere I look, people were settling their debts.
我所见之处，人们都在偿还债务。
For the moment, Hadija stood alone.
此刻，哈迪贾独自一人。
So you had-- in your hand, you held the money for 30 seconds.
所以你手里拿着钱 30 秒。
And then you had to give it away.
然后你必须把它放弃。
[NON-ENGLISH SPEECH] Interpreter Yes.
[非英语演讲] 翻译 有。
Because this money I've ate long before.
因为这些钱我早就吃过了。
This money she ate.
这些钱她都吃了。
Interpreter Yeah.
翻译 是的。
And why I'm leaving is because of giving it out.
我离开的原因是为了放弃。
She had $100 left.
她还剩下100美元。
She gave $50 of it to an older son who's staying behind in the camp.
她把其中的 50 美元捐给了留在营地的大儿子。
He was afraid to go.
他不敢去。
Hadija and her kids huddled around him.
哈迪贾和她的孩子们挤在他周围。
They're saying goodbye to the other son.
他们正在向另一个儿子告别。
They're hugging.
他们正在拥抱。
[NON-ENGLISH SPEECH] Hadija Ahmed [NON-ENGLISH SPEECH]
[非英语演讲] Hadija Ahmed [非英语演讲]
We are leaving now.
我们现在要走了。
I am leaving my son.
我要离开我的儿子了。
And I am leaving you guys to say bye.
我要和你们说再见了。
OK.
好的。
Interpreter They are being told to queue and go to the field.
翻译 他们被告知排队并前往现场。
OK.
好的。
All right.
好的。
OK.
好的。
Interpreter Now they're queuing for the flight.
口译员 现在他们正在排队等候航班。
OK.
好的。
They just called her name.
他们只是叫她的名字。
She walks up the steps.
她走上台阶。
All right.
好的。
They're pulling up the steps.
他们正在拉上台阶。
Wheels up.
轮子升起来。
It's flying out over the airfield, over the camp, over the shrubs.
它飞过机场、营地、灌木丛。
And in about five minutes, they'll probably be in Somalia.
大约五分钟后，他们可能会到达索马里。
Abdi Nor looked on as Hadija and her kids, his friends, flew away.
阿卜迪·诺尔 (Abdi Nor) 看着哈迪贾 (Hadija) 和她的孩子们、他的朋友们飞走了。
I went to meet him and asked how he was feeling.
我去见他并询问他感觉如何。
I felt happy to get my money back, but I also felt sorry for her.
我很高兴能拿回我的钱，但我也为她感到难过。
The only other person who paid him off like this and flew to Mogadishu was another mom who went back with her daughter.
唯一像这样付钱给他并飞往摩加迪沙的人是另一位带着女儿回来的妈妈。
Not long after they got there, a gigantic truck bomb went off in the city, killing more than 500 people, including her daughter.
他们到达后不久，城里发生了一起巨大的卡车炸弹爆炸，造成包括她女儿在内的 500 多人死亡。
It was one of the deadliest terrorist attacks anywhere since 9/11.
这是自 9/11 以来最致命的恐怖袭击之一。
After the bomb blast, I felt very emotional because I think she didn't deserve.
炸弹爆炸后，我感到非常激动，因为我认为她不值得。
I've followed returnees back to Mogadishu.
我跟随返回者回到摩加迪沙。
I've seen the massive, impoverished displacement camps where they end up, many of them partially controlled by Islamist extremists.
我看到了他们最终落入的大规模、贫困的流离失所者营地，其中许多营地部分由伊斯兰极端分子控制。
They're way bleaker than Dadaab.
他们比达达布黯淡得多。
So when do you think you have to make your own decision?
那么你什么时候认为你必须做出自己的决定呢？
I don't have a deadline.
我没有最后期限。
But I think it's not far.
但我认为并不远。
It's not far.
不远了。
I'm thinking about it right now.
我现在正在考虑这个问题。
It may be next month or--
可能是下个月或者——
Really?
真的吗？
You might have to go back pretty soon?
你可能很快就要回去了？
Yes.
是的。
I think so.
我想是的。
Kevin Sieff And today, I mean you saw the plane leave.
凯文·西夫 今天，我的意思是你看到飞机起飞了。
That's the same plane that you would take if you went back.
如果你回去的话，这就是你会乘坐的同一架飞机。
Yes.
是的。
That's the exact same plane that I will go.
这与我要乘坐的飞机完全相同。
Dadaab was never the world's most hopeful place.
达达布从来都不是世界上最有希望的地方。
But for so long, there was at least the possibility of escape.
但这么久了，至少还有逃走的可能。
From across the camp, you used to be able to see the flights overhead, full of lucky people on their way to America.
从营地的另一边，你过去可以看到头顶上的航班，上面满是幸运的人正在飞往美国。
Kevin Sieff, he's a foreign correspondent for The Washington Post.
凯文·西夫（Kevin Sieff），《华盛顿邮报》驻外记者。
Thanks to his interpreter in Kenya, Abdi Hussein.
感谢他在肯尼亚的翻译阿卜迪·侯赛因。
The United Nations World Food Programme needs $8 million a month in donations to support all the refugees in Kenya.
联合国世界粮食计划署每月需要 800 万美元的捐款来支持肯尼亚的所有难民。
They never, ever get that much.
他们从来没有得到那么多。
If you personally would like to help and get at least a bit more food in there, they do take donations from people, not just from governments.
如果您个人愿意提供帮助并至少获得更多食物，他们确实会接受人们的捐赠，而不仅仅是政府的捐赠。
Go to wfp.org.
访问 wfp.org。
Again, that's like World Food Programme, wfp.org.
同样，这就像世界粮食计划署，wfp.org。
Coming up, a parent desperate to help her kid has only one option through a perverse loophole in the law.
接下来，一位急于帮助自己孩子的父母只有一个选择，那就是通过法律中的不正当漏洞。
But does she dare to use it?
但她敢用吗？
That's in a minute from Chicago Public Radio when our program continues.
芝加哥公共广播电台一分钟后我们的节目仍在继续。
It's This American Life.
这就是美国生活。
I'm Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯。
Today's program, Damned If You Do, stories of people faced with options where all the options are bad.
今天的节目《如果你这样做就该死》讲述了人们面临选择的故事，但所有选择都是糟糕的。
We've arrived at act two of our program.
我们已经进入了计划的第二幕。
Act Two, We Must Destroy This Family in Order to Save It.
第二幕，我们必须摧毁这个家庭才能拯救它。
So Eileen and her 19-year-old son Noah, they are not agreeing about some of the big issues, like for instance death as it occurs in Star Wars movies.
因此，艾琳和她 19 岁的儿子诺亚在一些重大问题上意见不一致，比如星球大战电影中出现的死亡。
Wait.
等待。
Luke?
卢克？
Eileen We don't know that he's dead.
艾琳：我们不知道他死了。
They say that all the time.
他们一直这么说。
When a Jedi evaporates, it's the same thing that happened with Yoda.
当绝地武士蒸发时，尤达身上也会发生同样的事情。
Their physical body's gone, but their Jedi spirit's around.
他们的肉身消失了，但他们的绝地精神还在。
I mean jeez.
我的意思是天哪。
You're from--
你来自——
Yeah.
是的。
You're just a mom.
你只是一个妈妈。
Come back to me when you know what you're talking about.
当你知道你在说什么时再回来找我。
They live in the Chicago suburbs, have two dogs, go on vacations to Florida, get along well enough, as you can hear.
他们住在芝加哥郊区，养了两只狗，去佛罗里达度假，相处得很好，正如你所听到的。
But it took a while to get there.
但花了一段时间才到达那里。
In fact, as a parent, Eileen had to deal with the kinds of decisions that other parents fear that they're going to have to make.
事实上，作为一名家长，艾琳必须应对其他家长担心他们必须做出的各种决定。
And this story is about this one moment in Noah's life when Eileen faced the toughest of those decisions.
这个故事讲述的是诺亚一生中艾琳面临最艰难决定的时刻。
Shannon Heffernan tells the story.
香农·赫弗南讲述了这个故事。
Noah's problem started when he was little.
诺亚的问题从他很小的时候就开始了。
He'd throw fits, like not standard kid fits-- shrieking, kicking, completely uncontrollable for hours.
他会突然发作，就像非标准的小孩子发作一样——尖叫、踢腿，几个小时内完全无法控制。
He would run from one end to the other down this hallway.
他会沿着走廊从一端跑到另一端。
And he would literally bounce himself off a wall.
他真的会把自己从墙上弹下来。
Like he needed that pressure on him to stop his impulses.
好像他需要这种压力来阻止他的冲动。
His diagnoses started when he was around five-- ADHD, obsessive compulsive disorder, oppositional defiant disorder, mood disorder.
他五岁时就开始被诊断出患有多动症、强迫症、对立违抗症、情绪障碍。
He'd pull out his own hair, so he had bald patches on his head.
他会拔掉自己的头发，所以他的头上有一块秃了。
But Eileen's a nurse, has a calm, can-do attitude in emergency situations.
但艾琳是一名护士，在紧急情况下有着冷静、能干的态度。
Blood and guts is a matter of routine.
血与胆是家常便饭。
So she found solutions, like pillow therapy.
所以她找到了解决方案，比如枕头疗法。
She'd put a pillow over Noah and lay on top of him.
她把一个枕头放在诺亚身上，然后躺在他身上。
The pressure calmed him.
压力让他平静下来。
By the time he was in kindergarten, doctors had put him on a bunch of different meds.
当他上幼儿园时，医生给他开了多种不同的药物。
Noah asked why he had to take them.
诺亚问他为什么要带走它们。
Eileen was like, no problem.
艾琳说，没问题。
And she explained.
她解释道。
I sat down with a piece of paper and crayons or markers or something.
我坐下来，拿着一张纸、蜡笔、记号笔之类的东西。
And I said, look, this is what a normal brain looks like.
我说，看，这就是正常大脑的样子。
See how all the pathways connect?
看到所有路径是如何连接的吗？
Your brain tried to form right, but your brain is kind of like a bowl of spaghetti.
你的大脑试图形成正确的状态，但你的大脑有点像一碗意大利面条。
Sometimes the connections are there.
有时联系是存在的。
And sometimes there's a blockage, and then it had to grow a different way.
有时会出现堵塞，然后它必须以不同的方式生长。
So when you're having issues, your brain is trying to make it go through here.
所以当你遇到问题时，你的大脑会试图让它通过这里。
And then it gets blocked.
然后它就被阻止了。
And that's why you have to take medication.
这就是为什么你必须服药。
Still, they constantly had to change his meds.
尽管如此，他们还是不得不不断地改变他的药物。
Sometimes, it seemed like nothing worked.
有时，似乎什么都不起作用。
As Noah got bigger, his outbursts got scarier.
随着诺亚变得越来越大，他的爆发也变得更加可怕。
When he was about 10 at an Easter brunch, Noah showed up in the doorway with a carving knife and said he was going to stab himself.
当诺亚十岁左右的时候，在一次复活节早午餐上，诺亚拿着一把切肉刀出现在门口，说他要刺伤自己。
When Noah's family couldn't get the knife away from him, they called 911.
当诺亚的家人无法从他手中拿走刀时，他们拨打了 911。
The cops got the knife away, and the paramedics took him to the emergency room.
警察拿走了刀，医护人员将他送往急诊室。
Eileen started finding knives hidden under the couch.
艾琳开始寻找藏在沙发底下的刀具。
She worried what Noah might do to himself.
她担心诺亚会对自己做什么。
She also worried about her daughter Bridget.
她还担心女儿布丽吉特。
She's seven years younger than Noah.
她比诺亚小七岁。
In middle school, Noah would go into these rages, throw things, shove furniture.
在中学时，诺亚会发怒，扔东西，推家具。
He never hurt her, but it was scary.
他从来没有伤害过她，但这很可怕。
Eileen would tell Bridget--
艾琳会告诉布里奇特——
Go in the car and lock the door.
走进车里，锁上车门。
Because I knew I could still see her.
因为我知道我还能见到她。
She was safer in the car.
她在车里比较安全。
He couldn't get in the car.
他无法上车。
And then I would go in the car as well at some point.
然后我也会在某个时候上车。
And then he'd be outside the car screaming and yelling and pounding on the car.
然后他就会在车外尖叫、大喊大叫、猛击汽车。
Noah's 19 now.
诺亚现在19岁了。
The explosions were as frightening to him as they were to the people around him.
爆炸对他来说和对他周围的人一样可怕。
It was scary.
太可怕了。
It was very scary.
非常可怕。
Because it's the type of thing where you have a random burst of uncontrollable actions.
因为这是一种随机爆发、无法控制的行为的类型。
When he began to calm down, it was like waking up from a nightmare.
当他开始平静下来时，就像从噩梦中醒来一样。
And when you awake, it's like you're scared of what you just did.
当你醒来时，你就像对自己刚才所做的事情感到害怕。
So it was this type of thing where, when I awoke from it, I saw there was things broken on the wall.
所以就是这样的事情，当我醒来的时候，我看到墙上有东西碎了。
There was a lot of knives thrown everywhere, things broken, things on the floor.
有很多刀子扔得到处都是，东西碎了，东西散落在地板上。
Sometimes it would be so intense that I'm not conscious of what I was doing.
有时它会如此强烈，以至于我不知道自己在做什么。
It was a thing where like it ate at me, really, because day in and day out, I always thought to myself, oh my god.
这件事确实在吞噬着我，因为日复一日，我总是对自己说，天哪。
What if I really hurt someone?
如果我真的伤害了别人怎么办？
And I don't know what I'm going to do.
我不知道我要做什么。
Eileen met Noah before she was actually his mom.
艾琳在成为诺亚的母亲之前就认识了她。
She was a neonatal nurse working the night shift.
她是一名上夜班的新生儿护士。
He was a preemie, only 1 pound, 7 ounces.
他是个早产儿，体重只有 1 磅 7 盎司。
He had drugs in his system from his birth mom.
他的体内有来自他生母的药物。
She disappeared on him, left him at the hospital.
她消失在他身边，把他留在医院。
Child welfare workers said he'd be hard to find a home for because he was so medically fragile.
儿童福利工作者表示，他很难找到一个家，因为他的身体状况非常脆弱。
They said he would probably end up in a special kind of nursing home for babies.
他们说他最终可能会住进一种特殊的婴儿疗养院。
And that broke Eileen's heart.
这让艾琳心碎了。
And so she decided to adopt him.
所以她决定收养他。
She was single.
她是单身。
She didn't have a lot of money.
她没有很多钱。
And she knew Noah needed lots of help.
她知道诺亚需要很多帮助。
But she thought, I've always wanted to be a mother.
但她想，我一直想成为一名母亲。
I'm a nurse.
我是一名护士。
Who better than me?
谁比我更好？
She borrowed a car seat and crib from a friend, filled out all the necessary paperwork with DCFS, the Department of Children and Family Services, and took Noah home.
她从朋友那里借了一个汽车座椅和婴儿床，向儿童和家庭服务部 DCFS 填写了所有必要的文件，然后把诺亚带回家。
When he was a baby, Eileen brought him everywhere with her.
当他还是个婴儿的时候，艾琳到处都带着他。
He was easy.
他很轻松。
But as he got older and started having these meltdowns, she says her friends and family stopped inviting them over.
但随着他年龄的增长并开始出现这些崩溃，她说她的朋友和家人不再邀请他们过来。
She calls mental illness a no casserole disease.
她称精神疾病为“非砂锅病”。
If your kid has cancer, people show up on your doorstep with casseroles.
如果您的孩子患有癌症，人们就会拿着砂锅菜出现在您家门口。
If your kid is hospitalized with mental health, everybody runs away.
如果你的孩子因心理健康问题住院，每个人都会逃跑。
From the time he was five, Noah sometimes wound up in the hospital for psychiatric care, sometimes for weeks at a time.
从五岁起，诺亚有时会去医院接受精神科治疗，有时一次持续数周。
Remember, Noah had been abandoned by his biological parents as a newborn.
请记住，诺亚在刚出生时就被他的亲生父母抛弃了。
So Eileen always reassured him that she wasn't going to leave him there.
所以艾琳总是向他保证，她不会把他留在那里。
Yeah.
是的。
I always would promise him, yes, I'm coming back.
我总是会答应他，是的，我会回来的。
I promise I will not leave you.
我保证我不会离开你。
I've said that his whole life, that I'm not going anywhere.
我一生都对他说过，我哪儿也不去。
You're stuck with me.
你被我困住了。
By the time Noah reached high school, Eileen estimates he'd been hospitalized 30 times.
艾琳估计，诺亚上高中时，他已住院 30 次。
She says police and paramedics knew them by name.
她说警察和护理人员都知道他们的名字。
That's how much she called 911.
这就是她拨打 911 的号码。
Noah's doctor started saying they had to stop dealing with his illness in crisis mode.
诺亚的医生开始说他们必须停止以危机模式处理他的疾病。
He should go to residential care, a facility, get 24-hour supervision, live there for months at a time.
他应该去寄宿护理机构，接受 24 小时的监督，一次住在那里几个月。
Social workers said the same thing.
社会工作者也说了同样的话。
The kind of intensive services Noah needed if he wanted to stay at home, they were too expensive for Eileen, for most people.
如果诺亚想呆在家里，他需要的那种密集服务对于艾琳和大多数人来说都太昂贵了。
But Eileen wasn't sure about residential.
但艾琳对住宅并不确定。
She couldn't stand the idea of Noah being in an institution.
她无法忍受诺亚被关在收容所里。
But she worried if she didn't do something soon, he'd end up in juvie, or he would hurt himself.
但她担心如果她不尽快采取行动，他最终会被送进少年监狱，或者他会伤害自己。
Because he had said multiple times that that's what he was thinking about.
因为他已经说过很多次了，这就是他的想法。
And I never really believed him.
我从来没有真正相信过他。
But I didn't want to be that parent who people would say on the news-- they'd be sitting at home and going, well, how did she not see the signs?
但我不想成为人们在新闻中所说的那样的父母——他们会坐在家里，然后，好吧，她怎么没有看到这些迹象呢？
My god, he was in the hospital 30 different times.
我的天啊，他已经在医院住过 30 次了。
How did she not know?
她怎么不知道？
I wasn't going to be that person that didn't try every single thing they could.
我不会成为那个不尝试一切能做的事情的人。
Better off that he's mad at me than he's no longer here.
他生我的气总比他不再在这里要好。
Well, I was more than mad.
好吧，我简直生气了。
I was beyond mad.
我简直疯了。
For a time, I hated-- I hated everybody for a time.
有一段时间，我讨厌——我有一段时间讨厌所有人。
But looking back, I mean I did do some very bad things, some of the stuff I told you about.
但回想起来，我的意思是我确实做了一些非常糟糕的事情，一些我告诉过你的事情。
But I'm not going to say it on live radio because I don't want to be perceived as a monster.
但我不会在广播直播中这么说，因为我不想被视为怪物。
But I mean, yeah, I did very, very stupid things.
但我的意思是，是的，我做了非常非常愚蠢的事情。
Eileen started calling around to residential homes.
艾琳开始给居民家打电话。
But none of them had an open bed for a kid on public aid, which was Noah's situation.
但他们都没有为接受公共援助的孩子提供空床，这就是诺亚的情况。
She considered paying for a residential place on her own.
她考虑自己出钱购买住宅。
But when she did the math, it came out to about $100,000 for six months.
但她算了一下，六个月的费用约为 10 万美元。
There was no way she could afford it.
她不可能承担得起。
So Eileen worked her way up the chain of command, hoping someone could find a facility the state would pay for.
因此，艾琳在指挥系统中一路向上，希望有人能找到国家愿意支付费用的设施。
She called social workers, state representatives.
她打电话给社会工作者、国家代表。
She says she even got the governor on the phone.
她说她甚至给州长打了电话。
I talked to the governor myself.
我亲自和州长谈过。
He got on the phone and said, hi, this is me.
他接到电话说，嗨，这是我。
I had literally three minutes with him.
我和他相处了三分钟。
That didn't really lead anywhere.
那并没有真正带来任何结果。
She felt like she hit a wall.
她感觉自己撞到了墙上。
And then she heard about another option, a radical one, a last resort.
然后她听说了另一种选择，一种激进的选择，也是最后的手段。
Eileen talked to a mom who had been in a similar situation to hers, Toni Hoy.
艾琳与一位与她处境相似的妈妈托尼·霍伊(Toni Hoy)进行了交谈。
And what Toni had done to get her kid treatment was give up custody of him, hand him over to the state.
托尼为了让她的孩子得到治疗所做的就是放弃对他的监护权，把他交给国家。
Once the state takes custody of a child, they have to provide mental health care.
一旦国家接管了孩子的监护权，他们就必须提供心理健康护理。
It's a perverse legal loophole that exists in a bunch of states.
这是许多州都存在的不正当法律漏洞。
It's called a psychiatric lockout.
这被称为精神科封锁。
It's meant to ensure that kids who are abandoned by their parents end up with the care that they need.
其目的是确保被父母遗弃的孩子最终得到他们需要的照顾。
But instead, desperate parents like Eileen are using it as a last-ditch effort of making sure their kids get treatment.
但相反，像艾琳这样绝望的父母却将其作为确保孩子得到治疗的最后一搏。
It's called a lockout because it's as if the kid has been locked out of their house.
这被称为“停工”，因为就好像孩子被锁在家里一样。
Some child welfare workers even tell parents to do it.
一些儿童福利工作者甚至告诉家长这样做。
It's called lockout coaching.
这就是所谓的停工辅导。
The way it would work is the next time Noah was hospitalized, Eileen would refuse to pick him up and bring him home.
它的运作方式是，下次诺亚住院时，艾琳会拒绝接他并带他回家。
Eventually, the state would take custody of him and pay for him to live in a residential facility.
最终，国家将接管他并支付他住在住宅设施中的费用。
And that was it.
就是这样。
Technically, it was easy.
从技术上来说，这很容易。
Emotionally, of course, it was much harder.
当然，在情感上，这要困难得多。
Was there any part of you just that had an emotional reaction to the idea of giving up custody, that that just felt--?
你是否有任何一部分对放弃监护权的想法产生了情感反应，感觉——？
Ugh.
啊。
Absolutely.
绝对地。
Because I'd been fighting for him my whole life.
因为我一生都在为他而战。
And I promised him, I will never, ever, ever, ever give you away-- ever.
我向他保证，我永远、永远、永远、永远不会出卖你——永远。
Toni actually advised Eileen against it.
托尼实际上建议艾琳反对。
She had done it and regretted it.
她已经这么做了，并且后悔了。
Eileen felt like she was stuck between two terrible options-- give up custody and get Noah into residential care or keep custody and try to deal with the threadbare services they had now, which felt like failing Noah, endangering him even.
艾琳觉得她陷入了两个可怕的选择之间——放弃监护权并让诺亚进入寄宿护理中心，或者保留监护权并尝试处理他们现在所拥有的陈旧服务，这感觉让诺亚失望，甚至危及他。
You don't sleep.
你不睡觉。
You don't-- you just try to think, OK.
你不——你只是试着思考，好吧。
Is this my only choice?
这是我唯一的选择吗？
What could be the worst that could happen?
最坏的情况可能是什么？
Could it be any worse than what you're living right now?
会比你现在的生活更糟糕吗？
Eileen was on the fence, so she didn't mention it to Noah.
艾琳犹豫不决，所以没有向诺亚提起这件事。
She didn't want to create more stress for him if it wasn't going to happen.
如果这件事不发生的话，她不想给他制造更多的压力。
Then, when he was 14, Noah had two back-to-back episodes.
然后，当诺亚 14 岁时，他连续两次发作。
The first one landed him in the hospital for five days.
第一个让他住院五天。
The second one started after he'd only been home for a few hours.
第二次是在他回家几个小时后开始的。
Eileen and Noah got in a fight over the car keys.
艾琳和诺亚为了车钥匙发生了争执。
Eileen says she doesn't think Noah was trying to hurt her, but the struggle got physical.
艾琳说，她不认为诺亚试图伤害她，但斗争变成了身体上的斗争。
And she got scared.
她害怕了。
It was one of those times Bridget wound up hiding in the car.
那是布里奇特躲在车里的一次。
Eileen called 911, and the paramedics took Noah back to the hospital.
艾琳拨打了 911，医护人员将诺亚带回医院。
I knew I couldn't bring him back home.
我知道我不能带他回家。
Poor Bridget, you know.
可怜的布里奇特，你知道。
I mean you look at your other child, and they have to lock themselves in a car.
我的意思是，你看看你的另一个孩子，他们必须把自己锁在车里。
And it's not like I'm choosing one child over the other.
我并不是选择一个孩子而不是另一个孩子。
But when you have two kids, you have to make them both safe.
但当你有两个孩子时，你必须确保他们都安全。
And that was when she decided to do the lockout.
就在那时，她决定停工。
She thought she'd only lose custody temporarily, only while Noah needed residential treatment.
她以为自己只会暂时失去监护权，只是在诺亚需要住院治疗时。
So the whole thing would be short-term.
所以整个事情都是短期的。
What she didn't fully grasp at the time was that some parents go years without seeing their kid when they do a lockout.
她当时没有完全理解的是，有些父母在停工期间几年都看不到自己的孩子。
Some parents lose custody of their kids permanently.
有些父母永久失去了孩子的监护权。
So Noah went back to the hospital.
于是诺亚又回到了医院。
And after his allotted number of days in treatment, when his caseworker told Eileen he was ready to go home--
在他规定的治疗天数之后，当他的社工告诉艾琳他准备回家时——
I said, I'm not coming to get him.
我说，我不是来找他的。
What do you mean you're not coming to get him?
你不来接他是什么意思？
I'm not coming to get him.
我不是来接他的。
He needs to go to residential.
他需要去住宅区。
The hospital called again and again.
医院的电话一次又一次的打来。
And every time, she'd say the same thing.
而每次，她都会说同样的话。
I won't come to get my son.
我不会来接我儿子的。
And then the guy from billing would call and say, you have to come get him.
然后计费人员会打电话说，你必须来接他。
Every day that you don't come get him, it's going to cost you thousands of dollars, whatever the price was.
每天你不来接他，无论价格是多少，你都会损失数千美元。
I said, I'm not coming to get him.
我说，我不是来找他的。
So I think after two days or something of refusal to come get him, they said, well, we're going to have to call DCFS.
所以我想在两天后或者拒绝来接他之后，他们说，好吧，我们必须打电话给 DCFS。
I said, OK, go ahead.
我说，好吧，你继续吧。
Somewhere about the seventh or eighth day, and I'm wondering, why the hell am I still here?
大约第七天或第八天的某个时候，我在想，我到底为什么还在这里？
Why-- why aren't they going anywhere?
为什么——为什么他们不去任何地方？
So I called her.
所以我打电话给她。
And then she explained it to me.
然后她向我解释了这一点。
And what was your reaction?
你的反应是什么？
What did you think when you heard that?
当你听到这句话时，你有什么感想？
Oh, I was mad.
哦，我很生气。
I was mad.
我很生气。
I was sad, hurt, betrayed, a lot of emotions going through my head.
我感到悲伤、受伤、被背叛，很多情绪在我脑海中闪过。
And at that point, I just called her out on her name.
那时我只是喊她的名字。
And I said, I don't want you a part of my life.
我说，我不想让你成为我生活的一部分。
And I said, if you don't care enough about me to keep me and to push through everything, then I don't know why you ever adopted me.
我说，如果你不够关心我、留住我、推动一切，那么我不知道你为什么要收养我。
He's like, but you said you would never do this to me.
他就像，但你说过你永远不会这样对我。
You said you would never give me away.
你说过你永远不会放弃我。
Oh, yeah, it's heartwrenching.
哦，是啊，真是令人心碎。
He's believing that I am sick of this and that I want him gone.
他相信我已经厌倦了这一切并且我希望他离开。
So how did you explain it to him?
那你怎么跟他解释呢？
Like what did you say?
就像你说的那样？
I would just keep saying, you are my son.
我只是一直说，你是我的儿子。
You are always my son.
你永远是我的儿子。
I love you.
我爱你。
I loved you from the day you were born.
从你出生那天起我就爱你。
I will love you to the day I die and then beyond.
我会爱你直到我死的那一天，然后再爱你。
We're doing this because you know you need to be in residential treatment.
我们这样做是因为您知道您需要接受住院治疗。
She tried to convince him that she wasn't really giving up custody.
她试图让他相信她并没有真正放弃监护权。
It was just a formality, just some words they had to use so the state could come and give him treatment.
这只是一种形式，只是他们必须使用的一些词语，以便国家可以来给他治疗。
Trying to convince him that this was really in his best interest.
试图让他相信这确实符合他的最大利益。
And was he convinced?
他被说服了吗？
Eileen I think sometimes, and sometimes not.
艾琳 我有时想，有时不想。
And were you convinced?
你确信吗？
Eileen No, not always.
艾琳 不，并不总是如此。
And when your mom said, hey, we are doing this to get you treatment, did you believe her?
当你妈妈说，嘿，我们这样做是为了让你接受治疗，你相信她吗？
Not really, no. No. I didn't believe her, no. I honestly felt like that she-- I felt like it was her plan all along to give up on me.
不完全是，不。不，我不相信她，不。老实说，我觉得她——我觉得她一直计划放弃我。
That's how emotionally stressed I was.
这就是我的情绪压力。
I thought that this was your plan.
我以为这就是你的计划。
14 years, and then you're just going to give up on me.
14年了，然后你就要放弃我了。
That's how I felt.
我就是这么感觉的。
Then I didn't talk to her really for the next 30, 40 days.
然后接下来的30、40天我没有真正和她说话。
Oh, yeah.
哦，是的。
Because you go through-- even though I tried everything for so many years and been through so much, what could I have done differently?
因为你经历了——尽管我尝试了这么多年，经历了这么多，但我还能做些什么不同的事情呢？
If I had done this differently way back, would that have changed the chain of events?
如果我早先采取了不同的做法，事件链会改变吗？
Yeah.
是的。
You go through all of that in your mind.
你在心里经历了这一切。
For weeks, Noah sat in the hospital, and Eileen didn't visit him.
诺亚在医院里呆了几个星期，艾琳也没有去看望他。
Because she worried if she showed up, the state would force her to take him home.
因为她担心如果她出现，国家会强迫她接他回家。
And the whole plan would fail.
整个计划就会失败。
It was hard not to see him.
很难不看到他。
But Eileen channeled her energies into finding a residential treatment facility for him.
但艾琳集中精力为他寻找住院治疗机构。
Some of them had terrible reputations.
他们中的一些人名声很坏。
They seemed more like prisons.
它们看起来更像是监狱。
But she found a place outside Chicago called Allendale.
但她在芝加哥郊外找到了一个叫艾伦代尔的地方。
It looked nice.
看起来不错。
She called and made sure they had an open bed.
她打电话确认他们有一张空床。
DCFS agreed to send him there.
DCFS 同意送他去那里。
And after spending about a month in the hospital, Noah was transferred to Allendale.
在医院呆了大约一个月后，诺亚被转移到艾伦代尔。
Eileen had wanted to drive him to Allendale herself.
艾琳想亲自开车送他去艾伦代尔。
But DCFS wouldn't let her.
但 DCFS 不让她这么做。
The state was now his custodial parent.
国家现在是他的监护人。
So she drove up on her own.
于是她就自己开车过去了。
Now that he was there, she could visit him again.
现在他在了，她就可以再次去看望他了。
I brought up his things.
我提起了他的事情。
I brought up sheets, and blankets, and things to try and make his room feel more homey.
我带来了床单、毯子和一些东西，试图让他的房间感觉更温馨。
I just wanted to be there to support him and to show him that this is not what I want to do.
我只是想在那里支持他并向他表明这不是我想做的。
I'm doing this so that you can get in there.
我这样做是为了让你能进去。
I wasn't going to abandon him.
我不会抛弃他。
To Eileen, Allendale looked like a summer camp.
对艾琳来说，艾伦代尔就像一个夏令营。
There's a beautiful lake there.
那里有一个美丽的湖。
And there's lots of green, lots of grass, baseball fields, a farm area.
这里有很多绿地、很多草地、棒球场和农场。
I said, Noah, it looks really pretty.
我说，诺亚，看起来真漂亮。
It looks OK.
看起来还不错。
I kind of took a relaxing breath and thought, OK.
我松了口气，心想，好吧。
We were on the right track.
我们走在正确的轨道上。
I felt like we finally got what he needed and that this was an OK decision.
我觉得我们终于得到了他所需要的，这是一个不错的决定。
As painful as it was to make that trade, to give up custody of her 14-year-old son in return for treatment, in that moment, it felt like it was worth it.
尽管做出这笔交易、放弃 14 岁儿子的监护权以换取治疗是痛苦的，但在那一刻，我觉得这是值得的。
The relief didn't last long.
缓解并没有持续多久。
A couple weeks after he arrived there, Eileen got a call from DCFS saying that she needed to come to court, that she could be charged with neglect.
他到达那里几周后，艾琳接到 DCFS 的电话，说她需要出庭，否则她可能会被指控疏忽大意。
Eileen didn't know that.
艾琳并不知道这一点。
A lawyer told me this is a pretty common tactic to try to scare the parents into ending the lockout.
一位律师告诉我，这是一种很常见的策略，试图吓唬父母结束停工。
And it did scare her.
这确实吓到了她。
She tried to explain to them.
她试图向他们解释。
I said, well, I don't abuse him.
我说，好吧，我不虐待他。
What?
什么？
You know, I went through the whole thing about I've been taking care of him for all this time.
你知道，我经历了这段时间我一直在照顾他的整个事情。
There's no abuse.
不存在滥用行为。
There's no neglect.
没有疏忽。
I was told that if I did this lockout, this was the only way for me to get him into this program.
有人告诉我，如果我这样做，这是我让他加入这个计划的唯一方法。
I didn't just do this because I don't want him.
我这么做不仅仅是因为我不想要他。
I'm there all the time.
我一直都在那里。
The first time Eileen appeared in court, the judge told her to get an attorney.
艾琳第一次出庭时，法官告诉她去找律师。
He told her this was serious.
他告诉她这件事很严重。
Not only could she permanently lose custody of Noah, she could lose Bridget too-- and her nursing license.
她不仅可能永久失去诺亚的监护权，还可能失去布丽吉特以及她的护士执照。
You leave those court doors.
你离开那些法庭门。
What happens?
会发生什么？
Just I went in the bathroom.
我刚去洗手间。
You know, you just go in a stall, and you just try to get yourself together enough to make it to the car.
你知道，你只是进入一个隔间，然后努力让自己振作起来才能上车。
And then I get in the car, and I already start-- I'm sitting in a parking lot making phone calls, saying, oh my god.
然后我上了车，我就开始了——我坐在停车场打电话，说，天哪。
What could I do now?
我现在能做什么？
She called Toni, the woman who had explained lockouts to her in the first place.
她给托尼打了电话，这位女士首先向她解释了停工的原因。
And Toni put her in touch with an attorney who had worked on other cases like Eileen's, kind of a superstar in this world.
托尼帮她联系了一位曾处理过像艾琳这样的案件的律师，他是这个世界上的超级明星。
The lawyer was able to get Eileen custody of Noah again, while getting the state to still pay for Allendale-- which is a way better outcome than many parents got and way better than the choices Eileen had at the beginning.
律师能够再次获得艾琳对诺亚的监护权，同时让州政府仍然支付艾伦代尔的费用——这比许多父母得到的结果要好得多，也比艾琳一开始的选择要好得多。
In 2015, not long after Noah went to Allendale, Illinois implemented a new law that was supposed to keep lockouts from happening.
2015年，诺亚前往艾伦代尔后不久，伊利诺伊州实施了一项新法律，旨在防止停工的发生。
But it hasn't really worked.
但它并没有真正发挥作用。
In 2016, DCFS got 173 psychiatric lockout calls.
2016 年，DCFS 接到 173 起精神科停工电话。
This whole thing could probably be avoided if we did what basically everyone-- DCFS workers, mental health policy wonks, activists-- say we need to do-- provide kids like Noah with services in the home, the earlier the better.
如果我们按照每个人——DCFS 工作人员、心理健康政策专家、活动人士——所说的我们需要做的那样，为像诺亚这样的孩子提供家庭服务，那么这整件事可能是可以避免的，越早越好。
It would be expensive.
会很贵。
But then, at least in most cases, we could avoid this whole weird thing of lockouts and sending kids to live in institutions.
但至少在大多数情况下，我们可以避免这种奇怪的停工和送孩子去机构生活的事情。
Noah had a terrible experience at Allendale.
诺亚在艾伦代尔经历了一段可怕的经历。
He was there for over two years.
他在那里待了两年多。
He hated it.
他讨厌它。
It was beyond hate.
这已经超越了仇恨。
I mean honestly, there were so many things wrong there.
我的意思是，老实说，那里有很多问题。
I was there when a staff murdered a kid.
当一名工作人员谋杀了一个孩子时我在那里。
This incident Noah's talking about, a kid died after being restrained by a staff member in a chokehold.
诺亚所说的这起事件是，一名孩子被一名工作人员掐住脖子后死亡。
The man was charged with involuntary manslaughter, not murder, and eventually pled to the lesser charge of obstruction of justice.
该男子被指控犯有过失杀人罪，而不是谋杀罪，并最终承认了较轻的妨碍司法公正的指控。
Allendale, by the way, says they put procedures in place to make sure this kind of thing never happens again.
顺便说一句，艾伦代尔表示，他们已制定程序以确保此类事情不再发生。
Eileen says it's only in the last few months that her relationship with Noah has recovered.
艾琳说，她和诺亚的关系直到最近几个月才恢复。
Now, they give each other crap in a loving way.
现在，他们以充满爱意的方式互相吐槽。
Now, most of the time, you are right.
现在，大多数时候，你是对的。
Most of the time, you are right.
大多数时候，你是对的。
But--
但是——
It's on the record.
这是记录在案的。
Eileen And it's on tape.
艾琳 这是磁带上的。
But for the times that you are wrong, I wait for it.
但当你错了的时候，我会等待。
Eileen says she and Noah have had hundreds of conversations about the lockout and about Allendale.
艾琳说，她和诺亚已经就停摆和艾伦代尔进行了数百次对话。
Sometimes he's still angry at Eileen.
有时他还在生艾琳的气。
He says he wouldn't make the same choice she did.
他说他不会做出和她一样的选择。
But then again, he's not sure exactly what he'd do differently.
但话又说回来，他不确定自己会采取什么不同的做法。
He gets it was hard.
他明白这很难。
If 19-year-old him could talk to 14-year-old him, he'd try to explain that.
如果 19 岁的他可以和 14 岁的他交谈，他会尝试解释这一点。
I would say, look, peanut, don't give your mom trouble.
我会说，听着，小花生，别给你妈妈添麻烦。
Don't give your mom trouble about this.
别为这件事给你妈妈添麻烦。
I would say, look, your mom really did the best that she could.
我会说，看，你妈妈真的尽力了。
I asked Eileen if she'd do something different now.
我问艾琳现在是否会做一些不同的事情。
She says sure, but she doesn't know what either.
她说当然可以，但她也不知道是什么。
She can't see a different turn she'd make.
她看不到自己会做出什么不同的转变。
The thing about living in a broken system is you make broken choices.
生活在一个破碎的系统中的问题是你会做出破碎的选择。
Shannon Heffernan, she's a reporter at our home station, WBEZ Chicago.
Shannon Heffernan，她是我们芝加哥 WBEZ 总部的记者。
Act Three, Amricani.
第三幕，阿姆里卡尼。
So a bunch of us heard this story, and we just really liked it.
所以我们很多人都听了这个故事，我们真的很喜欢它。
And like everything else in today's program, it's about somebody in an impossible situation.
就像今天节目中的其他内容一样，它是关于某人处于不可能的境地的。
Sharif Youssef put this together.
谢里夫·优素福将这些放在一起。
He now makes radio for a living.
他现在以制作收音机为生。
But this is actually the very first radio story he ever attempted.
但这实际上是他尝试的第一个广播故事。
He did this back when he was in college.
他在大学时就这样做过。
Here he is.
他在这里。
When I was five, my whole life changed.
当我五岁的时候，我的整个生活都改变了。
My mother lost her battle with cancer.
我的母亲在与癌症的斗争中失败了。
We had no money.
我们没有钱。
So Dad and I moved back to Alexandria-- Egypt, not Virginia.
于是我和爸爸搬回了亚历山大——埃及，而不是弗吉尼亚。
I had lived in Egypt as a toddler.
我小时候住在埃及。
I knew I had once called it home.
我知道我曾经把它称为家。
I just didn't have any memories of that home.
我对那个家没有任何记忆。
We couldn't afford the private American school, so I went to an Egyptian one.
我们上不起美国的私立学校，所以我去了埃及的一所学校。
It was my first day in the first grade.
这是我上一年级的第一天。
I was six now.
我现在六岁了。
My Arabic was limited to yes, no, apple, and toilet-- which is toilet, so it doesn't really count.
我的阿拉伯语仅限于是、不、苹果和厕所——这是厕所，所以它实际上不算数。
I was terrified.
我很害怕。
When we arrived at the school's front gate, Dad gave me a hug and told me it would all be all right.
当我们到达学校正门时，爸爸拥抱了我并告诉我一切都会好起来的。
I desperately wanted to believe him.
我非常想相信他。
I walked toward the mass of kids running around the yard and looked back over my shoulder.
我走向院子里跑来跑去的一群孩子，回头看了一眼。
He was the only parent at the gate.
他是门口唯一的家长。
He waved and gave me a thumbs up.
他向我挥手并竖起了大拇指。
I waved back and turned before he could see the tears roll down my face.
我向他挥手，在他看到泪水从我脸上滚落之前转过身来。
That morning, like every morning, we gathered to sing the national anthem.
那天早上，像每个早晨一样，我们聚集在一起唱国歌。
I didn't know the words.
我不认识这些词。
But the tune was catchy enough.
但旋律足够动听。
[ARABIC SINGING] I could feel my classmates pointing and laughing behind my back, whispering, [SPEAKING ARABIC] In class, we sat three to a desk as the teacher went through her lesson.
[阿拉伯语歌唱] 我能感觉到同学们在我背后指指点点、大笑，小声说，[说阿拉伯语] 在课堂上，我们三个人坐在一张桌子旁，老师正在讲课。
Two kids to my left were talking.
我左边的两个孩子正在说话。
The teacher, Miss Mona I think her name was, turned from the board and called them to the front.
老师，我想她的名字是莫娜小姐，从黑板上转过身来，把他们叫到前面。
They went and instinctively, if reluctantly, put a hand out in front of them.
他们走过去，本能地（虽然不情愿）伸出一只手放在他们面前。
Miss Mona grabbed a ruler from her desk and brought it down on each hand.
莫娜小姐从桌上抓起一把尺子，两只手都放下来。
At this point, I distinctly remember thinking, oh, [BLEEP]-- or whatever the six-year-old equivalent is.
在这一点上，我清楚地记得我在想，哦，[BLEEP]——或者无论六岁的孩子的等同物是什么。
Fast forward a couple months, I was picking up the language quickly.
快进几个月，我很快就学会了这门语言。
I think I was doing better in Arabic than most of my classmates, actually.
事实上，我认为我的阿拉伯语成绩比大多数同学都好。
I was even getting used to the kids being hit, though it never failed to grate on my nerves to see it happen.
我什至已经习惯了孩子们被打，尽管看到这样的事情发生总是让我神经紧张。
In my religion class one day, the teacher asked us all to show him the questions we were supposed to do for homework.
有一天，在我的宗教课上，老师要求我们所有人向他展示我们应该做的家庭作业问题。
He didn't assign us any questions.
他没有给我们布置任何问题。
"Everyone stand," he said, as he picked up the ruler lying on his desk.
“大家起立，”他一边说，一边拿起桌上的尺子。
We did.
我们做到了。
He wound his way through the aisles, starting on the left side.
他从左边开始，蜿蜒穿过过道。
I was on the right.
我在右边。
"Show me." He stopped to read.
“给我看看。”他停下来读书。
"Good." Wait.
“好的。”等待。
How the hell did that kid know we were supposed to do these questions?
那孩子怎么知道我们应该做这些问题？
Did I miss him saying it?
我错过了他说的话吗？
Or was he just some sort of overachiever?
或者他只是某种成绩优异的人？
"Show me." "I didn't do it," replied another kid.
“给我看看。” “我没有这么做，”另一个孩子回答道。
My palms were sweating.
我的手心出汗了。
Maybe I could show him an old assignment, and he wouldn't notice the difference.
也许我可以给他看一份旧作业，他不会注意到其中的区别。
He was already in my aisle.
他已经在我的过道里了。
Maybe I could pretend I was sick.
也许我可以假装自己生病了。
No, everyone would just make fun of me.
不，每个人都会取笑我。
Getting closer, right behind me.
越来越近了，就在我身后。
He stood in front of me, his dark eyes darting between my face and my notebook.
他站在我面前，黑色的眼睛在我的脸和笔记本之间扫视。
"I didn't know we were supposed to." [SPEAKING ARABIC] he said.
“我不知道我们应该这么做。” [说阿拉伯语]他说。
"Give me your hand."
“把手给我。”
Tears were already falling onto my notebook, blurring the blue and red lines of the painfully blank page.
泪水已经落在我的笔记本上，模糊了令人痛苦的空白页上的蓝色和红色线条。
But before he brought the ruler down on my pale, pudgy hand, I saw something soften in his eyes.
但在他把尺子放到我苍白、矮胖的手上之前，我看到他眼中的东西变得柔和了。
It wasn't quite empathy, or even sympathy.
这不完全是同理心，甚至是同情。
It was pity.
真是可惜。
He looked at me and brought the ruler down with about a tenth of the force that he did for everyone else.
他看着我，用他对付其他人的十分之一的力量打倒了尺子。
I sat down, shaking, not sure if the glares I was getting from classmates were real or imagined.
我坐下来，浑身发抖，不确定同学们对我的瞪视是真实的还是想象的。
I rubbed my hand to numb what little physical pain was there.
我揉了揉手，以麻痹身体上的轻微疼痛。
But that didn't help how I was feeling on the inside.
但这对我内心的感受没有帮助。
[SPEAKING ARABIC] Very, very [SPEAKING ARABIC]
[讲阿拉伯语] 非常非常 [讲阿拉伯语]
Sharif Youssef, he's the technical producer at the great podcast 99% Invisible.
Sharif Youssef，他是伟大的播客 99% Invisible 的技术制作人。
Credits Ira Glass Our program was produced today by Lilly Sullivan.
图片来源 Ira Glass 今天我们的节目由 Lilly Sullivan 制作。
The people who put our program together include Elna Baker, Elise Bergerson, Dana Chivvis, Emily Condon, Stephanie Foo, Michelle Harris, Kimberly Henderson, Chana Joffe-Walt, David Kestenbaum, Miki Meek, Alvin Melathe, Nadia Reiman, Robyn Semien, Alissa Shipp, Christopher Swetala, Matt Tierney, and Diane Wu.
我们的项目的共同编写者包括 Elna Baker、Elise Bergerson、Dana Chivvis、Emily Condon、Stephanie Foo、Michelle Harris、Kimberly Henderson、Chana Joffe-Walt、David Kestenbaum、Miki Meek、Alvin Melathe、Nadia Reiman、Robyn Semien、Alissa Shipp、Christopher Swetala、Matt Tierney 和 Diane Wu。
Our senior producer is Brian Reed.
我们的高级制片人是布莱恩·里德。
Our managing editor is Susan Burton.
我们的总编辑是苏珊·伯顿。
Our website, thisamericanlife.org, where you can listen to every show we've made, more than 600 episodes, for free.
我们的网站 thisamericanlife.org，您可以免费收听我们制作的所有节目，超过 600 集。
And as of this week, you can also find us on Instagram.
从本周开始，您还可以在 Instagram 上找到我们。
Yes, we really jumped on that bandwagon.
是的，我们确实赶上了这股潮流。
We waited eight years to see if it would catch on.
我们等了八年，看看它是否会流行。
Our username there is the same as on Twitter, @ThisAmerLife.
我们的用户名与 Twitter 上的用户名相同：@ThisAmerLife。
Just search us, OK?
只要搜索我们，好吗？
You'll find us there.
您会在那里找到我们。
This American Life is delivered to public radio stations by PRX, the Public Radio Exchange.
《美国生活》由公共广播电台 PRX 向公共广播电台播出。
Thanks as always to our program's cofounder, Mr. Torey Malatia.
一如既往地感谢我们项目的联合创始人 Torey Malatia 先生。
You know, he saw a puppet show this week.
你知道，他这周看了一场木偶戏。
He said the puppeteer was definitely substandard.
他说这个傀儡师绝对不合格。
His hands were very visible.
他的双手非常明显。
Ira Glass I'm Ira Glass.
艾拉·格拉斯 我是艾拉·格拉斯。
Back next week with more stories of This American Life.
下周我们将带来更多《美国生活》的故事。
This American Life This American Life is produced in collaboration with WBEZ Chicago and delivered to stations by PRX The Public Radio Exchange.
This American Life This American Life 与 WBEZ Chicago 合作制作，并由 PRX 公共广播电台传送到各电台。