587: The Perils of Intimacy - This American Life
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00:00 00:00 Transcript Share This American Life Life Partners How to Listen Episodes Recommended About Overview Staff Announcements Fellowships Jobs Music Make Radio On The Road FAQ Submissions Merch Contact Us Our Other Shows Merch Follow Us Life Partners Subscribe to our newsletter Full episode Toggle Audio and Transcript Sync Transcript | Episode #587 | March 29, 2024 587: The Perils of Intimacy Note: This American Life is produced for the ear and designed to be heard.
00:00 00:00 文字记录 分享此 美国生活 生活伙伴 如何收听 剧集 推荐 关于 概述 员工公告 奖学金 工作 音乐 在路上制作电台 常见问题解答 提交 商品 联系我们 我们的其他节目 商品 关注我们 生活伙伴 订阅我们的时事通讯 整集 切换音频和文字记录同步 文字记录 | 内容第 587 集 | 2024 年 3 月 29 日 587：亲密关系的危险 注：《美国生活》是为耳朵而制作的，旨在让人们听到。
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如果可以的话，我们强烈建议您收听音频，其中包括页面上没有的情感和重点。
Transcripts are generated using a combination of speech recognition software and human transcribers, and may contain errors.
文字记录是使用语音识别软件和人工转录员结合生成的，可能包含错误。
Please check the corresponding audio before quoting in print.
请在印刷版引用前检查相应的音频。
Prologue: Prologue Ira Glass Rachel was identity thefted.
序言：序言 Ira Glass 雷切尔的身份被盗。
And at first, it was the kind of thing that you hear about.
起初，这就是你所听到的那种事情。
Money was vanishing from her bank account, and it turned out to be some charges and ATM withdrawals that she hadn't made herself.
她的银行账户里的钱正在消失，而且有些费用和自动柜员机取款都不是她自己办理的。
So she found this out, but she figured, OK, no problem.
所以她发现了这一点，但她想，好吧，没问题。
Call the bank, explain the situation.
打电话给银行，说明情况。
They'll take care of it.
他们会处理的。
She even figured out how it probably happened.
她甚至想通了这件事大概是怎么发生的。
She had been visiting friends in Chicago, sitting in a coffee shop.
她当时正在芝加哥拜访朋友，坐在一家咖啡店里。
And this guy walked in wearing a windbreaker and sat at the table next to us.
而这个家伙穿着风衣走进来，坐在我们旁边的桌子上。
And at one point, he just brushed against me, and I had my purse actually hanging over the chair.
有一次，他只是擦过我，我的钱包实际上挂在椅子上。
And it wasn't until after he had left and I went to pay that I realized that my wallet was gone.
直到他离开，我去付钱时，我才发现我的钱包不见了。
But you just figured that was the person who stole your identity?
但你只是认为那是盗用你身份的人？
Yeah.
是的。
My social security card had been in there, and I thought that was something you could do without.
我的社会保障卡就在那里，我想你可以没有它。
So she goes and closes out her bank account, switches to a different bank.
所以她去关闭了她的银行账户，转到另一家银行。
Same thing happens.
同样的事情也会发生。
Money just starts disappearing.
金钱刚刚开始消失。
And she goes through several banks this way.
她就这样跑了好几家银行。
It was like a game of bank-a-mole.
这就像一场打地鼠游戏。
Wherever her money goes, the identity thief arrives.
无论她的钱去了哪里，身份窃贼就会出现。
I was like, I don't really know what else I can do.
我当时想，我真的不知道我还能做什么。
I closed everything.
我关闭了一切。
It really started to freak her out, for money to just keep vanishing, inexplicably, out of her control.
她真的开始感到害怕了，因为钱总是莫名其妙地消失，超出了她的控制。
I started to become just a very paranoid person all the time.
我开始变得一直是一个非常偏执的人。
After this had been happening for a year or two, I was just very anxious all the time.
这种情况发生了一两年后，我一直很焦虑。
There was one point where I thought that my mail was being stolen because I was like, how else is this happening?
有一次我以为我的邮件被盗了，因为我想，不然怎么会发生这种情况呢？
So I got a PO box, and I got to the point where I thought someone was following me.
所以我收到了一个邮政信箱，我以为有人在跟踪我。
I was just so paranoid that I would try to find alternate routes to get to my PO box so that--
我太偏执了，以至于我会尝试寻找替代路线来到达我的邮政信箱，这样——
They couldn't figure out where your PO box is and hack your PO box?
他们无法弄清楚您的邮政信箱在哪里并侵入您的邮政信箱？
Yeah.
是的。
I mean, it sounds so crazy, looking back.
我的意思是，回想起来，这听起来太疯狂了。
To be honest, I didn't have that much money.
说实话，我没有那么多钱。
I was working at a non-profit children's museum and trying to wait tables to supplement my income.
我当时在一家非营利性儿童博物馆工作，靠做服务员来贴补收入。
But my boyfriend at the time was helping me out.
但当时我的男朋友正在帮助我。
I always paid my rent.
我一直都是付房租的。
I didn't want him to pay for me or anything.
我不想让他为我付钱或做任何事。
It was very uncomfortable for me, but he would buy the groceries and do everything.
这对我来说很不舒服，但他会买杂货并做所有事情。
I would pay my rent, and he would take care of everything else.
我负责付房租，其他的事情他都会处理。
So he was always into politics.
所以他总是热衷于政治。
So at that point, he was working at the Massachusetts State House, working for the president of the Senate.
那时，他正在马萨诸塞州议会大厦工作，为参议院议长工作。
And without him, she'd really be sunk, because money just keeps vanishing from her bank accounts.
如果没有他，她真的会沉下去，因为钱会从她的银行账户中不断消失。
So eventually, she just gives up on the entire banking system.
所以最终，她放弃了整个银行系统。
She closes her last account, has the bank put all of the money that was remaining, $1,000, into a bank check that she keeps in a drawer, handles all of her finances in cash and money orders.
她关闭了最后一个账户，让银行将所有剩余的钱（1,000 美元）存入她放在抽屉里的银行支票，并以现金和汇票处理她的所有财务状况。
Problem solved at last.
问题终于解决了。
Until she and her boyfriend decide they're going to move and she needs the $1,000.
直到她和男友决定搬家，而她需要 1,000 美元。
And she goes to the top dresser drawer, where she keeps all of her financial stuff, the receipts and statements and all of that, and there's no check.
她走到梳妆台最上面的抽屉里，里面放着她所有的财务资料、收据和报表等等，但没有支票。
And she's like, OK, well, maybe it fell behind the dresser.
她说，好吧，也许它掉在梳妆台后面了。
Maybe I put it somewhere else.
也许我把它放在别的地方了。
And so we tore apart the apartment, just flipping couch cushions and opening drawers.
于是我们把公寓拆了，只是翻转沙发垫并打开抽屉。
And I was just having a panic attack, because this was all of the money that I had in the world, and we couldn't find it.
我只是惊慌失措，因为这是我在世界上拥有的所有钱，而我们却找不到它。
So she goes to the bank.
所以她去了银行。
And they were like, you already cashed this check.
他们就像，你已经兑现了这张支票。
And they showed her a copy.
他们给她看了一份副本。
And then where my signature was was my forged signature, and it was my boyfriend's handwriting.
然后我的签名是我伪造的签名，是我男朋友的笔迹。
Bum-bum-bum.
流-流-流。
It was the boyfriend.
是男朋友。
After all, think about it.
毕竟，想一想。
Who else could it be?
还能是谁呢？
In retrospect, Rachel says that she is sure there was some small part of her in the back of her brain which was like, OK, what if it's him?
回想起来，雷切尔说她确信她的大脑深处有一小部分人在想，好吧，如果是他怎么办？
I mean, of course it's something you would think about, and the banks are always like, do you have a boyfriend?
我的意思是，这当然是你会考虑的事情，银行总是会问，你有男朋友吗？
It's the boyfriend.
是男朋友。
The banks would say that?
银行会这么说吗？
They would suggest that?
他们会建议吗？
Yeah.
是的。
Any bank or police officer would always be like, do you have a boyfriend?
任何银行或警察都会问，你有男朋友吗？
It's the boyfriend.
是男朋友。
It's always the boyfriend.
永远都是男朋友。
And I was like, you don't know my boyfriend.
我当时想，你不认识我的男朋友。
"You don't know my boyfriend." These are like magic words that sometimes keep people from seeing things that are right in front of their face.
“你不认识我男朋友。”这些就像魔法词一样，有时会让人们看不到眼前的事物。
You don't know my boyfriend.
你不认识我男朋友。
My boyfriend is, like, the king of generosity and kindness, just so giving all the time to everyone, just giving.
我的男朋友就像是一个慷慨和善良的国王，他把所有的时间都奉献给每个人，只是奉献。
He just wanted to give.
他只是想给予。
You don't know my boyfriend.
你不认识我男朋友。
You don't know my wife.
你不认识我的妻子。
You don't know my spouse.
你不认识我的配偶。
You don't know my partner.
你不认识我的搭档。
You don't know them like I know them.
你不像我那样了解他们。
This is one of the dangers of getting close to somebody.
这是接近某人的危险之一。
To get close, you have to agree, I trust you, I believe you, I know that what you say is true, you know what I say is true.
要接近，你必须同意，我相信你，我相信你，我知道你说的是真的，你也知道我说的是真的。
And sometimes that is a mistake.
有时这是一个错误。
That's one of the perils of intimacy.
这是亲密关系的危险之一。
There are others too, of course.
当然还有其他人。
That's what our show's about today, the perils of intimacy.
这就是我们今天节目的主题：亲密关系的危险。
Today, we have grown men awkwardly trying to make friends with each other not sure what to talk about.
今天，我们这些成年男人尴尬地试图与彼此交朋友，但不知道该谈论什么。
We have people on nervous first dates, bravely fighting their own insecurities and anxieties.
我们有人在第一次约会时感到紧张，勇敢地与自己的不安全感和焦虑作斗争。
There are downsides to being close to somebody.
与某人亲近也有缺点。
Let's talk about that for a change, instead of how great it is to be married forever and blah, blah, blah, Bridget Jones' wedding toast, blah, blah, blah.
让我们换个角度谈谈这一点，而不是永远结婚是多么美好，等等，等等，等等，布里奇特·琼斯的婚礼祝酒，等等，等等。
Single people, there are 32 million of you living alone, 107 million of you unmarried.
单身人士中，有 3200 万人独居，1.07 亿人未婚。
Here is an hour to make you feel good about that for a change.
这里有一个小时让你对改变感到满意。
From WBEZ Chicago, it's This American Life .
来自芝加哥 WBEZ 的《This American Life》。
I'm Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯。
Stay with us, losers.
和我们一起吧，失败者。
So when Rachel came back from the bank from seeing her boyfriend's handwriting on the check that he stole from her, when she got back to the studio apartment that they shared to confront him with the truth, obviously, how was she not going to ditch him?
所以，当雷切尔从银行回来，看到男友从她那里偷来的支票上的笔迹，当她回到他们合住的单间公寓向他面对真相时，显然，她怎么能不抛弃他呢？
But he sat on the bed with her and did something.
但他和她一起坐在床上，做了一些事情。
He broke down crying.
他崩溃地哭了。
And he said, I have to tell you something.
他说，我必须告诉你一件事。
And I don't want to tell you, because I'm afraid that if I tell you, you're going to leave me.
我不想告诉你，因为我担心如果我告诉你，你就会离开我。
And that's when he told me that he has impulse control disorder, that he's been diagnosed with this for many years, and that he's done a lot of stupid stuff.
就在那时，他告诉我他患有冲动控制障碍，他被诊断出患有这种疾病已经很多年了，而且他做了很多愚蠢的事情。
And he said he was seeing a therapist and getting help for it.
他说他正在看治疗师并寻求帮助。
Yeah.
是的。
I don't want to be disrespectful to somebody's actual disease, but the name impulse control disorder just sounds like the name of-- well, that's just saying, well, I just couldn't help myself.
我不想对某人的实际疾病不尊重，但冲动控制障碍这个名字听起来就像……好吧，这只是说，好吧，我就是无法控制自己。
Totally.
完全。
Ira Glass I just wanted to take money from a cash register.
艾拉·格拉斯（Ira Glass） 我只是想从收银机取钱。
I have impulse control disorder.
我有冲动控制障碍。
Right.
正确的。
Ira Glass I just wanted to sleep with your sister.
艾拉·格拉斯（Ira Glass） 我只是想和你妹妹睡觉。
I have impulse control disorder.
我有冲动控制障碍。
Right.
正确的。
Ira Glass It just seems like the most-- I mean, I say with respect to people who might have this as a real disorder.
艾拉·格拉斯（Ira Glass） 这似乎是最严重的——我的意思是，我说的是针对那些可能患有这种真正疾病的人。
Right.
正确的。
And you know when you tell these stories and then you just feel like, how do you not know?
你知道，当你讲述这些故事时，你就会觉得，你怎么不知道？
You just sound so stupid.
你只是听起来很愚蠢。
But back then, I think I needed to hear that there was some sort of medical reason.
但当时，我想我需要听到有某种医学原因。
OK, it's not--
好吧，这不是——
Yeah.
是的。
Like, he's not a bad person.
比如说，他不是一个坏人。
He's just going through something that's out of his control and it's medical.
他只是正在经历一些超出他控制范围的事情，而且是医学上的。
Yeah, it's interesting how a person would want that rather than the other thing.
是的，有趣的是，一个人会想要这个而不是其他东西。
Well, yeah-- like a bow I could tie up and here's why.
嗯，是的——就像我可以系上的蝴蝶结一样，这就是原因。
Not like, you've been living for years with a sociopath.
不像，你已经和一个反社会者一起生活了很多年。
The other one sounded better.
另一首听起来更好。
So at the time she accepted, all right, he has an impulse control disorder.
所以当时她接受了，好吧，他有冲动控制障碍。
And she believed that the disorder is what caused him to steal the very last money she had in this world and forge her name on a check and then search for the check with her, pretending he had no idea where the check could have gone.
她相信这种疾病导致他偷走了她在这个世界上最后的钱，并在一张支票上伪造了她的名字，然后和她一起寻找支票，假装他不知道支票可能去了哪里。
But that's all she thought he did.
但她以为他就是这么做的。
That tiny morsel of truth was all she was able to take in at that point.
那一点点真相是她当时所能接受的全部。
She did not put together the whole truth, that he'd been stealing from her for over a year, that he was the identity thief, not some stranger in a dingy apartment in Chicago.
她没有整理出全部的真相，即他一年多来一直在偷她的东西，他是身份窃贼，而不是芝加哥一间肮脏公寓里的某个陌生人。
He was the identity thief who made her so totally stressed out over money all the time, who drove her to the point where she was looking over her shoulder as she walked to her own post office box.
他是身份窃贼，让她一直因为金钱而感到压力很大，让她在走向自己的邮政信箱时不得不回头看。
They stayed together for another year and a half.
他们又在一起生活了一年半。
And before you judge, before you think how could she do that, I'll explain how.
在你做出判断之前，在你思考她怎么能这么做之前，我会解释一下她是如何做到的。
It's really interesting, and I think it could happen to a lot of us.
这真的很有趣，我想这可能发生在我们很多人身上。
For starters, her boyfriend had been the one steady thing in her life, right?
首先，她的男朋友是她生活中唯一稳定的人，对吗？
She's going through this hard time with banks and credit cards, and it's not ending.
她正在经历银行和信用卡的艰难时期，而且还没有结束。
And he was the one thing she thought she could depend on.
而他是她认为唯一可以依靠的人。
It was just hard to let that go.
很难放手。
Ugh, God, it makes me sound so stupid.
呃，上帝，这让我听起来很愚蠢。
But yeah, I really thought I knew what good was.
但是，是的，我真的以为我知道什么是好的。
Everything felt so bad and so hard to control, I was like, he has to be good.
一切都感觉如此糟糕，如此难以控制，我想，他必须表现得很好。
Because if he's not good, nothing is good.
因为如果他不好，那就没有什么好。
Right.
正确的。
That's the whole premise.
这就是整个前提。
That's the premise of your life.
这就是你生活的前提。
Right.
正确的。
Yeah.
是的。
I was like, rationally, there's no way that it was him because he literally supports me.
我当时想，理性地，不可能是他，因为他确实支持我。
He buys all of our groceries, and he pays all of our bills, and he is legitimately my personal army to try and figure out the identity fraud.
他买了我们所有的杂货，他支付了我们所有的账单，他合法地是我的私人军队，试图找出身份欺诈的原因。
Right.
正确的。
So it just doesn't add up.
所以它只是不加起来。
How could that person be taking money from me, the person who's actually paying for everything?
那个人怎么可能从我这个实际支付一切费用的人那里拿钱呢？
Right.
正确的。
Yeah.
是的。
So I was like, why would someone steal from you and then spend it on you?
所以我就想，为什么有人会偷你的钱然后花在你身上呢？
It just didn't make sense to me.
这对我来说没有意义。
But weird financial stuff keeps happening.
但奇怪的金融事情不断发生。
Rachel gets phone calls about credit cards that are in her name that she never took out and knew nothing about.
雷切尔接到电话，询问她名下的信用卡，但她从未取出过，对此一无所知。
Her car gets booted, even though Rachel never got a ticket herself.
尽管雷切尔本人从未拿到罚单，但她的车被启动了。
And occasionally, the thought would cross her mind, OK, if I broke up with him, would all those troubles go away?
有时候，她的脑海里会闪过这样的念头：好吧，如果我和他分手，所有的烦恼都会消失吗？
And she would just brush that thought away.
她就会把这个想法打消。
Once, the boyfriend's stepmother said something to Rachel.
有一次，男朋友的继母对瑞秋说了一些话。
She was like the evil stepmom that he-- he hated her.
她就像邪恶的继母，他——他恨她。
And he kind of got me to hate her.
他让我讨厌她。
And I realized years later, she was the only one who was onto him.
多年后我意识到，她是唯一一个关注他的人。
This happened early on.
这件事很早就发生了。
The stepmom said to Rachel, I hear you're having some kind of identity theft problems.
继母对雷切尔说，我听说你遇到了某种身份盗用问题。
I was like, yeah.
我当时想，是的。
And she was like, do you guys go over bills together?
她说，你们一起讨论账单吗？
Do you guys ever do that kind of stuff together?
你们一起做过这种事吗？
And I was like, no, I don't want to do it.
我当时想，不，我不想这样做。
It stresses me out.
这让我压力很大。
And she was like, a really important part of a relationship is figuring out financial stuff.
她说，一段关系中一个非常重要的部分就是弄清楚财务问题。
Maybe you should look into that and make sure that he's got things under control-- you know, really tried to get me to do stuff with him.
也许你应该调查一下，确保他能控制住事情——你知道，他真的试图让我和他一起做事。
And I honestly-- I know she said something rude about him, like, he's not great at this.
老实说，我知道她说了一些关于他的粗鲁的话，比如，他不擅长这个。
And I shut it down.
我把它关掉了。
I was just like, you don't know.
我当时就想，你不知道。
Because he made me hate her.
因为他让我讨厌她。
So years later, I realized, oh my God, she tried to warn me.
多年后，我意识到，天哪，她试图警告我。
But he had done such a good job of protection that I was like, she's not even a candidate for trusting.
但他的保护做得非常好，我就想，她甚至不是值得信任的候选人。
It's interesting to think about, what was in this for the boyfriend?
想想就很有趣，男朋友这么做是为了什么呢？
You know what I mean?
你知道我的意思？
Stealing from her, making her feel so anxious or paranoid about her finances, and then stepping in to comfort her and save the day and help her out, using her money.
从她那里偷东西，让她对自己的财务状况感到非常焦虑或偏执，然后用她的钱介入安慰她，挽救局面并帮助她摆脱困境。
He was like a caretaker.
他就像一个看门人。
It made him really happy.
这让他真的很高兴。
He really wanted to provide.
他真的很想提供。
I think he really wanted to be a provider.
我认为他真的想成为一名提供者。
And he would make me these fancy dinners every night and pack my lunch for work and stuff like that.
他每天晚上都会给我做这些丰盛的晚餐，并为我准备工作午餐等等。
So like I say, a year and a half passes, and he asks Rachel to marry him.
就像我说的，一年半过去了，他向雷切尔求婚。
She says yes.
她说是的。
She's really happy.
她真的很高兴。
The next morning-- this happens the very next morning-- she gets a call from their landlord, who the boyfriend had always dealt with.
第二天早上——就在第二天早上——她接到了房东的电话，而男友一直和房东打交道。
And he was just screaming.
他只是尖叫。
He's like, I don't know what you and your boyfriend are trying to pull, but you owe me $16,000, whatever it was.
他说，我不知道你和你男朋友想做什么，但不管是什么，你欠我 16,000 美元。
And you're being evicted.
而你正被驱逐。
And why aren't you returning my calls?
你为什么不回我的电话？
And I was like, I have no idea what you're talking about.
我当时想，我不知道你在说什么。
And he was like, you're a liar, just like your boyfriend.
他说，你是个骗子，就像你男朋友一样。
She'd been giving her boyfriend her half of the rent, but he hadn't paid the landlord in a year.
她已经给了她男朋友一半的房租，但他已经一年没有付房租了。
And she was like, OK, well, where did that money go?
她说，好吧，这些钱去了哪里？
And she started to look for it.
她开始寻找它。
She went through his stuff for the first time without him around and opened drawers and found all kinds of bills and credit cards in his name from American Express and Banana Republic and all kinds of other places, a whole secret financial chaos.
她第一次在没有他在场的情况下检查了他的东西，打开抽屉，发现美国运通、香蕉共和国和其他各种地方以他的名义寄来的各种账单和信用卡，整个秘密的财务混乱。
And then they fight about how he'd been lying to her.
然后他们就他如何对她撒谎而争吵。
And this is what breaks them up, though it takes a few weeks for them to break up-- which I get.
这就是他们分手的原因，尽管他们需要几周的时间才能分手——我明白。
He'd been her college boyfriend.
他是她的大学男友。
They'd been together five years.
他们已经在一起五年了。
They were engaged.
他们订婚了。
So, OK, it takes weeks.
所以，好吧，这需要几周的时间。
And during those weeks, horribly--
在那几周里，可怕的是——
We started planning a wedding.
我们开始筹划婚礼。
Like, I kind of went into a catatonic state of existence, where I went through the motions for a month, where we would go look at wedding places.
就像，我进入了一种紧张的存在状态，在那里我走过了一个月的动作，我们会去看看婚礼场所。
But in the back of my mind, it was like, I can't marry this person.
但在我内心深处，我不能嫁给这个人。
But I couldn't say it out loud.
但我不能大声说出来。
I did call her boyfriend to run all this by him, everything Rachel said, and give him a chance to respond, but he said no. People close to Rachel and to him did confirm her story.
我确实打电话给她的男朋友，让他来处理这一切，雷切尔所说的一切，并给他一个回应的机会，但他拒绝了。与雷切尔和他关系密切的人确实证实了她的故事。
So finally, they agreed they were going to take a break for a few days, think about things, talk to their families, and then come back and figure things out together.
所以最后，他们同意休息几天，想一想事情，和家人谈谈，然后回来一起解决问题。
And he went home to his parents, and I went to my parents.
他回到了他父母身边，我也回到了我父母身边。
And I never, ever saw him ever again.
我再也没有见过他。
Never.
绝不。
Months later, I was living with roommates and put together that for years I had been living with this person who was stealing from me, and started to put together, oh my god, he wasn't working.
几个月后，我和室友住在一起，并整理出多年来我一直和这个偷我东西的人住在一起，并开始整理，天哪，他没有工作。
He would get up every day and get dressed and leave the house when I left the house, and he would pretend to go to work.
每天我出门的时候他都会起床穿好衣服出门，假装去上班。
I never went to his office.
我从来没有去过他的办公室。
When he was working at the State House, he showed me his office from the car.
当他在州议会大厦工作时，他在车上向我展示了他的办公室。
He was like, look, that gold domed building, that's where I work.
他说，看，那座金色圆顶建筑，那就是我工作的地方。
I'm so excited.
我太激动了。
And I just realized, I don't know anything that was real.
我才意识到，我不知道任何真实的事情。
I don't know when he was working or when he wasn't.
我不知道他什么时候在工作，什么时候不在。
No. I heard stories about them all the time.
不，我一直听到关于他们的故事。
Oh.
哦。
So he had names of people who he said he worked with?
那么他有他所说的共事者的名字吗？
Totally.
完全。
Ira Glass What were their names?
艾拉·格拉斯 他们叫什么名字？
Well, I remember Ann from the State House.
嗯，我记得州议会大厦的安。
He had a boss.
他有一个老板。
I think he had named him Rob.
我想他给他起名叫罗布。
And I just remember because there was this one time he called me at work.
我只记得因为有一次他在工作时给我打电话。
And he was really upset because he was at the airport.
他真的很沮丧，因为他在机场。
And he was like, we're all supposed to go on a trip to DC.
他说，我们都应该去华盛顿旅行。
And it ends up there's a problem with the flight and we have to get put on the next flight, and there's not enough room for everyone.
结果航班出了问题，我们不得不换上下一趟航班，但没有足够的空间容纳每个人。
And I'm really bummed because I don't think I'm going to get to go on the trip.
我真的很沮丧，因为我认为我不会去旅行了。
Because I'm not important enough.
因为我还不够重要。
I'm not high up enough.
我的地位还不够高。
And he ended up not being able to go on the trip.
他最终没能去旅行。
And he was calling me from the airport telling me this story.
他从机场给我打电话，告诉我这个故事。
And I felt so bad for him.
我为他感到难过。
But he didn't work, and those people weren't real, and he wasn't at the airport.
但他没有工作，那些人也不是真的，他也不在机场。
I don't know.
我不知道。
He was probably at home.
他可能在家。
We have this idea that when we discover the truth it hits us all at once.
我们有这样的想法：当我们发现真相时，我们所有人都会立刻受到打击。
You know, we see what's real and what isn't in a flash of understanding.
你知道，我们在一瞬间就能看到什么是真实的，什么是不真实的。
In fact, the thing that we call an experience like that is "the moment of truth." That's what we say, "the moment of truth." We do not say "the dragged out year and a half of the truth."
事实上，我们称之为“关键时刻”的体验。这就是我们所说的“关键时刻”。我们不说“拖了一年半的真相”。
But that's how it goes sometimes.
但有时就是这样。
Sometimes we come to accept the truth slowly, in stages.
有时我们会慢慢地、分阶段地接受事实。
Sometimes we have reasons to hold on to a lie.
有时我们有理由坚持谎言。
We're not ready to let go of the world that the lie preserves, the people the lie keeps close to us.
我们还没有准备好放弃谎言所保护的世界、谎言所亲近的人们。
And we release the lie from our hand one finger at a time.
我们一次一根手指地释放谎言。
Act Two, "Why Can't We Be Friends?" OK, fellow adults.
第二幕“为什么我们不能成为朋友？”好吧，各位大人。
Here's a question.
这里有一个问题。
When did you last make a friend?
你上次交朋友是什么时候？
I mean an actual friend who you see regularly, you talk about actual personal things.
我指的是你经常见到的真正的朋友，你谈论真正的个人事情。
It's hard, right, to make a new one?
做一个新的很难吧？
To get to that point?
为了达到那个地步？
To get through the awkward, "hey, you want to hang out sometime" phase?
为了度过尴尬的“嘿，你想找个时间出去玩”阶段吗？
I'm in this thing right now with this guy who honestly I thought maybe we were going to become friends.
我现在正和这个人在一起，说实话，我以为我们可能会成为朋友。
And he sent me an email saying, hey, let's have dinner.
他给我发了一封电子邮件说，嘿，我们吃晚饭吧。
And I thought, great.
我想，太棒了。
And I responded with a specific time.
我回复了具体时间。
I said, Thursday, how about Thursday?
我说星期四，星期四怎么样？
Heard nothing.
什么也没听到。
Then, a few days later, in an email about something completely else, he suggested again, hey, we should do dinner sometime.
然后，几天后，在一封关于完全不同的事情的电子邮件中，他再次建议，嘿，我们应该找个时间吃晚饭。
And again I was like, great.
我再次感叹，太棒了。
How about Thursday?
星期四怎么样？
Again, heard nothing.
再次，什么也没听到。
What is that, people?
那是什么，人们？
How do adults become friends?
大人如何成为朋友？
Neil Drumming on our staff has run a little experiment with human Guinea pigs on this particular subject.
我们的工作人员尼尔·德鲁明（Neil Drumming）就这个特定主题对人类豚鼠进行了一个小实验。
I have no idea how adults make new friends.
我不知道成年人如何结交新朋友。
I'd like to, but I'm not really trying.
我很愿意，但我并没有真正努力。
I don't join clubs.
我不参加俱乐部。
I don't ask my co-workers out for drinks.
我不会请同事出去喝酒。
And when I am at bars, I don't do this.
当我在酒吧时，我不会这样做。
I have gone out by myself, just trying to talk about sports, what is usually what's blaring on the TV, or about the beer.
我一个人出去，只是想谈论体育，电视上通常播放的内容，或者啤酒。
Like, I'll notice someone just ordered a beer next to me.
就像，我会注意到有人刚刚在我旁边点了一杯啤酒。
I'm like, oh, how is that?
我想，哦，怎么样？
I really like hoppy beers.
我真的很喜欢啤酒花啤酒。
Blah, blah, blah.
巴拉，巴拉，巴拉。
That's Chris Gerben, poor guy.
那是克里斯·格本，可怜的家伙。
He's 37 years old.
他今年 37 岁。
Nine months ago, he moved his family from San Francisco to Austin for a teaching gig at a small university, leaving most of his male friends back on the West Coast.
九个月前，他举家从旧金山搬到奥斯汀，在一所小型大学任教，而他的大部分男性朋友则留在了西海岸。
He has no choice but to start over.
他别无选择，只能重新开始。
I haven't left New York in 16 years, but so many of my male friends have recently moved or drifted away that I probably need to start over too.
我已经 16 年没有离开过纽约了，但我的很多男性朋友最近搬家或渐行渐远，我可能也需要重新开始。
I haven't done anything about it, except maybe complain and overburden my romantic relationships.
我没有采取任何措施，除了抱怨并让我的恋爱关系负担过重。
The thing I found remarkable about Chris was that he was being proactive.
我发现克里斯的非凡之处在于他积极主动。
He was actively seeking male friends.
他正在积极寻找男性朋友。
He got on meetup.com.
他上了 meetup.com。
He formed a men's only book club.
他成立了一个仅限男性的读书俱乐部。
He memorized baseball statistics as conversation starters.
他记住棒球统计数据作为谈话的开场白。
He started going to bars expressly for the purpose of meeting other hetero dudes.
他开始去酒吧的目的就是为了结识其他异性恋者。
The only time I remember it ever going really well-- really well-- I'd been in Austin maybe for about a month.
我记得唯一一次进展得非常顺利——非常顺利——是我在奥斯汀呆了大约一个月。
And I was sitting at this brewery near my house, and I was eating dinner.
我坐在我家附近的啤酒厂里吃晚饭。
I think my wife had our daughter out somewhere.
我想我妻子带我们的女儿出去了。
So I was on my own, and this guy sat next to me.
所以我独自一人，这个人坐在我旁边。
And he was there with some of his friends.
他和他的一些朋友在那里。
And I don't even remember how it started, but at some point he actually turned towards me.
我什至不记得它是如何开始的，但在某个时候他真的转向了我。
And for a good, I would say, at least 20 minutes if not a half hour, it was just me and him.
我想说，如果不是半小时的话，至少有 20 分钟，只有我和他。
We were talking.
我们正在说话。
And we were talking, talking, talking.
我们一直在聊天、聊天、聊天。
I remember in the back of my head thinking, this is it.
我记得我在心里想，就是这样了。
This is how you start a guy friendship.
这就是你开始男性友谊的方式。
And then, at some point he started talking about how he was a vet and he had been in Iraq.
然后，在某个时候，他开始谈论他是如何成为一名兽医以及他如何去过伊拉克的。
And he was talking about how he'd just flew somewhere.
他正在谈论他刚刚飞到某个地方。
And he took his concealed gun into the airport, and the TSA flipped out about it.
他带着隐藏的枪进入机场，美国运输安全管理局对此大发雷霆。
And I'm thinking, OK.
我想，好吧。
I'm not a gun guy, and I don't really even know anything about guns.
我不是一个枪迷，我什至对枪一无所知。
But I'm just shaking my hand, like, OK, sure.
但我只是握了握我的手，就像，好吧，当然。
I'm in Texas now.
我现在在德克萨斯州。
This is how it is.
事情就是这样。
And then, out of nowhere, I think he grabbed my knee, if I remember correctly.
然后，如果我没记错的话，我想他突然抓住了我的膝盖。
But he definitely moved closer to me and looked me right in the eye and said, you've got to get a gun, bro.
但他确实靠近了我，直视着我的眼睛说，你必须拿把枪，兄弟。
You've got to protect your family.
你必须保护你的家人。
You've got to protect your daughter, bro.
你必须保护你的女儿，兄弟。
And I was like, oh yeah, I do.
我当时想，哦，是的，我愿意。
Wait.
等待。
Did you feel like you needed a gun to protect your family?
您是否觉得需要一把枪来保护家人？
No, of course not!
不，当然不是！
Neil Drumming So why did you agree to continue along this line?
Neil Drumming 那么你为什么同意继续沿着这条路线走下去呢？
(CHUCKLING) Because I was desperate for friends.
（笑）因为我非常需要朋友。
The only reason I know about Chris's predicament is because he emailed This American Life about it.
我知道克里斯的困境的唯一原因是他通过电子邮件向《美国生活》讲述了此事。
And even though I could relate, I wouldn't have given the letter a second thought if it didn't remind me of my buddy, Evan.
即使我能理解，如果它没有让我想起我的朋友埃文，我也不会再考虑这封信。
Evan, coincidentally, had also just moved to Austin with his partner and his young daughter.
巧合的是，埃文也刚刚与他的伴侣和小女儿搬到奥斯汀。
I could tell from Facebook that they'd managed to get set up OK, but Evan was already feeling lonely, that special kind of loneliness that people in long-term relationships often know too well.
我从 Facebook 上可以看出，他们已经成功地安排好了，但埃文已经感到孤独了，这种特殊的孤独感是长期恋爱关系中的人通常都非常了解的。
We do things together.
我们一起做事。
We're raising a child together, but we're not friends.
我们一起抚养孩子，但我们不是朋友。
That's Evan.
那是埃文。
He's honest.
他很诚实。
Evan The parts of my identity that make me who I am, being a nerd, reading and writing about comic books and video games and movies, I need somebody to share that with.
埃文：我的部分身份造就了我，作为一个书呆子，阅读和撰写有关漫画书、电子游戏和电影的内容，我需要有人与我分享。
Because we don't have similar interests in that regard, or similar tastes.
因为我们在这方面没有相似的兴趣，或者相似的品味。
So this is a part of me that I feel is important to me and I want somebody to care about and to share that with.
所以这是我的一部分，我觉得这对我很重要，我希望有人关心并与我分享。
And traditionally, that's where I've gone to my friends for.
传统上，这就是我去朋友那里的地方。
Yeah.
是的。
Evan is one of those friends I let slip away in a flurry of rain-checks earlier this year.
埃文是我今年早些时候在一系列的临时支票中溜走的朋友之一。
We've known each other, I don't know, maybe 10 years now.
我们已经认识了，我不知道，也许已经有十年了。
He used to recommend comic books and Xbox games that I never read nor finished.
他曾经推荐我从未读过或完成过的漫画书和 Xbox 游戏。
Part of what I love about Evan is how unabashedly he is who he is.
我喜欢埃文的部分原因是他毫不掩饰自己的本色。
He's earnest, somewhat awkward, and above all, a nerd-- although I think he'd accept the term black geek.
他很认真，有点笨拙，最重要的是，他是一个书呆子——尽管我认为他会接受“黑人极客”这个词。
He says he wasn't always so confident about these parts of his personality.
他说他对自己性格的这些部分并不总是那么有信心。
And moving to Austin, away from his friends and peers, living on the sleepy edge of town with only his partner and daughter, has put him in unfamiliar territory.
搬到奥斯汀，远离他的朋友和同龄人，只与他的伴侣和女儿一起生活在小镇昏昏欲睡的边缘，这让他进入了一个陌生的领域。
What is your place like?
你的地方是什么样的？
Evan It's nice.
埃文 很好。
There's a pool maybe a couple hundred feet away from us.
离我们大概几百英尺远有一个游泳池。
And there's tennis courts, not that I'm ever going to use them.
还有网球场，但我不会使用它们。
But it's nice.
但这很好。
Evan wasn't putting himself out there, but Chris was.
埃文并没有把自己暴露在外，但克里斯却这么做了。
And they live in the same city, both men, both dads, around the same age.
他们住在同一个城市，都是男人，都是父亲，年龄也差不多。
Both want friends.
两人都想要朋友。
Maybe I've been making it out to be harder than it actually is.
也许我一直认为这比实际情况更难。
Maybe all you have to do to make a friend is get off your ass and try.
也许你要交到朋友所要做的就是放手去尝试。
Here was a chance to find out without, you know, actually having to do anything myself.
这是一个找到答案的机会，你知道，实际上我不需要做任何事情。
I'd fix Evan and Chris up on a date-- a man date.
我会安排埃文和克里斯约会——一次男人约会。
You can't have a man date without an official activity.
没有正式活动就不可能有男人约会。
Those are the rules.
这些就是规则。
So the first thing I did was write to Chris and Evan and ask them each what they were into.
所以我做的第一件事就是写信给克里斯和埃文，询问他们各自的兴趣。
Chris sent me a list that included hiking, running, karaoke, and something called disc golf.
克里斯给我发了一份清单，其中包括徒步旅行、跑步、卡拉 OK 和飞盘高尔夫。
Evan said he likes playing video games and eating-- oh, and drinking in moderation.
埃文说他喜欢玩电子游戏和饮食——哦，还有适量饮酒。
I suggested they go sea Captain America: Civil War , which was coming out in a week.
我建议他们去看看一周后就要上映的《美国队长：内战》。
The trailer was awesome, plus the movie stars Chris Evans as Captain America.
预告片很棒，而且电影明星克里斯·埃文斯饰演美国队长。
Chris Evans.
克里斯埃文斯。
That's fate, right?
这就是命运吧？
The first thing I did was google him and see who this person was.
我做的第一件事就是用谷歌搜索他，看看这个人是谁。
I even went onto his Twitter feed and saw that he was interacting with people and retweeting people who seemed really big in his field.
我什至上了他的推特，看到他正在与人们互动，并转发那些在他的领域看起来非常重要的人。
And it was intimidating.
这很吓人。
I mean, the first thing I thought was, I feel sorry for this guy having to go out with me.
我的意思是，我首先想到的是，我为这个家伙不得不和我出去感到抱歉。
You know?
你知道？
I really felt like he didn't need this.
我真的觉得他不需要这个。
He felt like Evan was out of his league.
他觉得埃文格格不入。
Meanwhile, Evan was not even thinking about Chris.
与此同时，埃文甚至没有想到克里斯。
He never googled him.
他从来没有用谷歌搜索过他。
And when Chris gave Evan his phone number over email multiple times, Evan never responded with his.
当克里斯多次通过电子邮件向埃文提供他的电话号码时，埃文从未回复过他的电话号码。
When I talked to Evan hours before the date, his biggest worry was traffic.
当我在约会前几个小时与埃文交谈时，他最担心的是交通。
He moved to Texas from New York City.
他从纽约搬到德克萨斯州。
He hadn't driven in years.
他已经很多年没有开车了。
There's so much unpredictability surrounding you.
你周围有太多不可预测的事情。
Even when you feel like, I'm in control, I feel confident about my abilities, but you don't know who the [BLEEP] else is out there, making a sudden turn.
即使你觉得我一切尽在掌握，我对自己的能力充满信心，但你不知道外面还有谁，突然转弯。
It's stressful.
压力很大。
I get it.
我得到它。
Having relied on the subway most of my life, driving scares the crap out of me too.
我一生大部分时间都依赖地铁，开车也让我害怕。
But I needed Evan to get his head in the game.
但我需要埃文在比赛中保持头脑清醒。
You see, by now I was starting to think that Chris and Evan might not immediately or ever become fast friends.
你看，现在我开始认为克里斯和埃文可能不会立即或永远成为好朋友。
They might just be too different.
他们可能只是太不同了。
But whether they recognized it or not, there was something that connected them.
但无论他们是否意识到，有某种东西将他们联系在一起。
I could see it from my perch 1,800 miles away, even when they couldn't.
我可以从 1,800 英里外的栖息地看到它，即使他们看不到。
Evan is a deep-dive pop culture junkie.
埃文是一位深入流行文化的迷。
Chris is an English professor who's into sports.
克里斯是一位热衷于体育运动的英语教授。
They were opposite sides of an egg-headed coin.
它们是蛋头硬币的两面。
Between them, I figured they must have the gamut of trivia game minutiae thoroughly covered.
我想他们一定已经彻底涵盖了所有的琐事游戏细节。
If my experiment wouldn't generate a lifelong friendship, at least it was within my power to forge the mightiest trivia team in all of Austin on this particular Wednesday night.
如果我的实验不能产生终生的友谊，至少我有能力在这个特殊的周三晚上组建全奥斯汀最强大的问答团队。
In this hope, I was not alone.
抱着这种希望的我并不孤单。
Evan was poised to win.
埃文准备获胜。
If there's a whole bunch of superhero video game [BLEEP] out there, you better believe I want to [BLEEP] try and own it.
如果那里有一大堆超级英雄视频游戏 [BLEEP]，你最好相信我想 [BLEEP] 尝试并拥有它。
Yeah.
是的。
Well, I know I looked at the website for the trivia night, and I saw some Star Wars references and things.
嗯，我知道我在琐事之夜浏览了网站，我看到了一些星球大战的参考资料和东西。
Yeah, I saw Star Wars and Lord of the Rings and some other stuff.
是的，我看过《星球大战》和《指环王》以及其他一些东西。
But you know, I've got my weaknesses in certain areas.
但你知道，我在某些方面也有弱点。
Wait, what are your weaknesses?
等等，你的弱点是什么？
I don't know what your weaknesses are.
我不知道你的弱点是什么。
Tolkien?
托尔金？
I don't [BLEEP] with Tolkien at all.
我根本不喜欢托尔金。
Really?
真的吗？
Evan Yeah, no. No, that [BLEEP] was always too white for me.
埃文 是的，不。不，那个 [BLEEP] 对我来说总是太白了。
The night of the man date arrives, and I hear nothing from Chris or Evan.
约会之夜到了，我没有听到克里斯或埃文的任何消息。
Not a text, not an email.
不是短信，也不是电子邮件。
The next morning, still nothing.
第二天早上，还是什么都没有。
I finally talked to Chris that afternoon about how the night went.
那天下午我终于和克里斯谈论了当晚的情况。
Being the eager one, he'd gotten to the bar first.
作为一个急切的人，他第一个到达了酒吧。
I got there, and I was going table to table, asking if we could sit down.
我到了那里，我挨桌询问，问我们是否可以坐下来。
And every single person said no. It reminded me of elementary school, where you're going table to table asking if you can sit.
每个人都说不。这让我想起小学时，你会挨桌询问是否可以坐下。
All of the cool kids are saying no. I mean, that's kind of what it felt like.
所有酷孩子都说不。我的意思是，这就是那种感觉。
I really felt like I was already in the hole before Evan even arrived.
在埃文到达之前，我真的感觉自己已经陷入困境了。
They'd agreed ahead of time on how they would recognize each other.
他们事先就如何认出对方达成了一致。
He told me that he was going to be wearing a purple shirt and yellow shoes, and he was going to be limping slightly because he had a stubbed toe.
他告诉我，他将穿着紫色衬衫和黄色鞋子，而且由于脚趾被碰伤，他会稍微一瘸一拐。
So I got there a little bit early.
所以我到的有点早。
I ordered a drink right away.
我立刻点了一杯饮料。
Can I get a Fonrazade?
我可以获得福拉扎德吗？
And I saw him stride up to the first white dude with a blue shirt sitting near the stage and just go introduce himself, and it wasn't me.
我看到他大步走向坐在舞台附近的第一个穿着蓝色衬衫的白人，然后自我介绍，那不是我。
And as soon as I saw it, I said, this is my guy.
我一看到它，我就说，这是我的人。
How tight was his shirt?
他的衬衫有多紧？
I know how Evan likes his shirts tight.
我知道埃文多么喜欢他的紧身衬衫。
(CHUCKLING) It was a shirt I would not be able to wear out in public.
（咯咯笑）这是一件我不能在公共场合穿的衬衫。
And then he sat down, and then the first thing he did was order a lemonade.
然后他坐下来，然后他做的第一件事就是点了一杯柠檬水。
And I thought, oh no. This is going to be bad.
我想，哦不。这会很糟糕。
Evan eventually ordered some bourbon, but not too much.
埃文最终点了一些波本威士忌，但没有太多。
Moderation.
适度。
So I said, we need a team name.
所以我说，我们需要一个团队名称。
What do you want?
你想要什么？
And he just ripped off.
他就这样被骗了。
He said, we're the Lonely Transplants.
他说，我们是孤独的移植者。
And I said, all right.
我说，好吧。
And I thought that was a little on the nose.
我觉得这有点让人恼火。
I mean, it was a little briefer than "Two dudes, one from New York, one from California, both of whom can't find any friends, blah, blah, blah." But yeah, Lonely Transplants was our name.
我的意思是，它比“两个家伙，一个来自纽约，一个来自加利福尼亚，他们都找不到任何朋友，等等，等等”要简短一些。但是，是的，孤独移植是我们的名字。
The Lonely Transplants, Lonely Transplants.
孤独的移植，孤独的移植。
All right.
好的。
Emcee Welcome to town.
主持人欢迎来到小镇。
Enjoy the food.
享受食物。
The trivia night that Chris and Evan went to is officially called "Geeks Who Drink." And Evan killed it, just as I had hoped.
克里斯和埃文参加的问答之夜的正式名称是“喝酒的极客”。正如我所希望的那样，埃文杀死了它。
Chris was impressed.
克里斯印象深刻。
There was a whole category about directors.
关于导演有一个完整的类别。
They would show us clips, and we would have to guess what the movie was.
他们会给我们播放剪辑，我们必须猜测这部电影是什么。
And he was getting those left and right.
他正在左右这些事情。
And I honestly sat there.
我诚实地坐在那里。
I sat there for entire rounds without doing anything.
我整整坐在那里，什么也没做。
The Lonely Transplants did not turn out to be the quick-fire, mind-melded dream team that I had hoped for.
孤独移植队并没有成为我所希望的快速、思想融合的梦之队。
There was one where the answer was a loofah, like a bath loofah.
有一个答案是丝瓜络，就像沐浴丝瓜络一样。
It's an organic substance that you have to microwave once a day so it cleans out the bacteria.
它是一种有机物质，每天必须用微波炉加热一次，这样才能清除细菌。
And for whatever reason, I thought it was a sea cucumber.
不管出于什么原因，我以为那是海参。
And he's like, no, it's a loofah.
他说，不，这是丝瓜络。
And I was like, no, I promise it's a sea cucumber.
我当时想，不，我保证那是海参。
And if it's wrong, I will leave.
如果错了，我就会离开。
Chris says Evan didn't actually force him to leave or hold it over his head that he wasn't pulling his weight.
克里斯说，埃文实际上并没有强迫他离开，也没有认为他没有尽自己的职责。
Chris took that to mean that things were going well between them.
克里斯认为这意味着他们之间的事情进展顺利。
The Lonely Transplants came in 19th out of about 30 teams.
Lonely Transplants 在约 30 支球队中排名第 19 位。
But their meager showing didn't matter to Chris.
但他们微薄的表现对克里斯来说并不重要。
This is a guy who had told me that he was missing spontaneity in his life, that his everyday felt scheduled around work and running errands and toddler parties.
这个人告诉我，他在生活中缺少自发性，他的每一天都被安排在工作、跑腿和幼儿聚会上。
He was feeling like there were no surprises left.
他感觉已经没有什么惊喜了。
Suddenly, here he was trying to remember who recorded "Rock Me Amadeus" with this sort of awkward, sort of dapper black dude from Brooklyn.
突然，他试图回忆起是谁和这个来自布鲁克林的笨拙、衣冠楚楚的黑人录制了《Rock Me Amadeus》。
And he knew it was by Falco.
他知道这是法尔科的作品。
I had forgotten it was by Falco, and I didn't write down Falco.
我忘记了这是法尔科的作品，而且我也没有写下法尔科。
It was cool.
很酷。
Evan is a cool dude.
埃文是个很酷的家伙。
And yeah, I think if there was an opportunity to meet someone like him out in the, quote-unquote, real world, I think I would have gone home, just floated on air, telling my wife about how excited I was for a potential new friend.
是的，我想如果有机会在现实世界中遇到像他这样的人，我想我会回家，只是漂浮在空中，告诉我的妻子我对一个潜在的新朋友感到多么兴奋。
But at the end of the night, the trivia host came over to talk to Chris and Evan.
但在晚上结束时，问答主持人过来与克里斯和埃文交谈。
And something happened that left Chris feeling yet again a little inadequate.
发生了一些事情，让克里斯再次感到有点不适应。
Evan and the quizmasters went on this long riff about Star Wars and then Star Trek and the Death of Spock , and how that had a relation to men's feelings and loss.
埃文和测验大师们继续谈论《星球大战》、《星际迷航》和《斯波克之死》，以及这与人们的感受和失落有何关系。
And I'm sure I saw those movies, but I was just nodding like an idiot.
我确信我看过那些电影，但我只是像个白痴一样点头。
And it was at that moment where I thought, oh man.
就在那一刻我想，天哪。
I got nothing.
我什么也没得到。
Why would you need to microwave a sea cucumber to remove bacteria?
为什么需要用微波炉加热海参来去除细菌？
That would just kill the sea cucumber.
那只会杀死海参。
And what are you using a sea cucumber to wash anyway?
那你用海参来洗什么呢？
After talking to Chris, naturally, I called Evan.
与克里斯交谈后，我自然地给埃文打了电话。
How did it go?
进展如何？
Evan Are we talking about the quiz part?
埃文：我们在谈论测验部分吗？
Or are we talking about the making-a-friend part?
或者我们正在谈论交朋友的部分？
Just general impressions.
只是一般印象。
Evan Yeah, general impressions, I think it well.
埃文 是的，总体印象，我认为很好。
I definitely thought it was more fun than I was anticipating it to be.
我确实认为这比我预期的更有趣。
I can definitely see myself hanging out with him again.
我绝对可以想象自己再次和他一起出去玩。
This was confusing to me, because the entire time that I talked to Evan he just didn't say that much about Chris or how he himself felt about the date.
这让我很困惑，因为在我和埃文交谈的整个过程中，他并没有过多谈论克里斯或他自己对这次约会的感受。
If he had any impressions of Chris, he didn't let on.
即使他对克里斯有任何印象，他也没有表现出来。
The only thing Evan got passionate about, and I should have expected this, was when I asked him to revisit the impromptu Star Trek conversation he had with the hosts at the end of the night.
埃文唯一感兴趣的事情，也是我应该预料到的，是当我让他重温他在当晚结束时与主持人进行的即兴《星际迷航》对话时。
I love Wrath of Khan .
我喜欢可汗之怒。
And the friendship between Kirk and Spock has been a thing that I've always loved in science fiction pop culture.
柯克和斯波克之间的友谊一直是我在科幻流行文化中一直喜欢的东西。
Kirk represented the brash, impulsive, seat of your pants mode of living that I never really pulled off.
柯克代表了我从未真正实现过的傲慢、冲动、凭感觉的生活方式。
And Spock, he didn't fit in.
而Spock，他不适合。
And his emotions were not readily accessible to him.
而他的情绪也不易被他察觉。
And his primary identifier was his intelligence, which is something I felt deeply.
而他的首要标志就是他的聪明才智，这是我深深感受到的。
Kirk and Spock were opposites thrown together under extreme circumstances and multiple alien encounters, who came to a level of mutual respect and admiration that spanned a galaxy and several franchise reboots.
柯克和史波克是一对对立的人，在极端的环境和多次外星人遭遇中走到了一起，他们达到了跨越银河系和几部系列重启的相互尊重和钦佩的程度。
They were friends for decades who were willing to die for each other.
他们是几十年来的朋友，愿意为彼此而死。
By these standards, Chris and Evan's man date was not a rousing success.
按照这些标准，克里斯和埃文的约会并不是一次令人振奋的成功。
But I'm more of a romantic comedy buff than a Star Trek fan.
但我更像是一个浪漫喜剧迷，而不是《星际迷航》迷。
And rom-coms, for the most part, are only about the beginnings of relationships.
而浪漫喜剧在很大程度上只是关于关系的开始。
By those standards, you just have to establish that first connection.
根据这些标准，您只需建立第一个连接即可。
All you really need are two people who both kind of want to meet someone and a powerful external force to bring them together, like a best friend's impending wedding or a forced road trip together or, say, a radio producer just trying to satisfy his own curiosity.
你真正需要的是两个都想认识某人的人，以及一个强大的外部力量将他们聚集在一起，比如最好的朋友即将举行的婚礼或被迫一起公路旅行，或者，比如说，一个广播制作人只是想满足自己的好奇心。
Yeah.
是的。
I would love to hang out with Evan again.
我很想再次和埃文一起出去玩。
I thought he was a really cool guy.
我认为他是一个非常酷的人。
Would you consider calling Chris at some point or hanging out with him again?
你会考虑在某个时候给克里斯打电话或者再次和他出去玩吗？
Yeah.
是的。
Yeah, totally.
是的，完全可以。
I was planning after I spoke to you-- I didn't want to muck up the process by emailing him prematurely.
我在和你交谈之后就开始计划了——我不想过早地给他发电子邮件而搞砸这个过程。
But yeah, I was planning to follow up and email him.
但是，是的，我打算跟进并向他发送电子邮件。
It's been three weeks since their date.
距离他们约会已经三周了。
Chris and Evan still haven't gotten together again.
克里斯和埃文还没有再次聚在一起。
But Evan finally gave Chris his number, and they've been emailing back and forth about plans.
但埃文最终给了克里斯他的电话号码，他们一直在通过电子邮件来讨论计划。
I think it'll happen.
我想这会发生。
Hell, I'd do it.
见鬼，我会这么做的。
Probably.
大概。
Neil Drumming is one of the producers of our show.
尼尔·鼓明是我们节目的制作人之一。
Coming up, you meet your hero.
快来吧，你会见到你的英雄。
And maybe they're a jerk, maybe they're just OK, maybe they're wonderful.
也许他们是个混蛋，也许他们只是还好，也许他们很棒。
Why that third scenario might be the very, very worst.
为什么第三种情况可能是非常非常糟糕的。
In a minute, when our program continues.
一分钟后，我们的节目继续进行。
It's This American Life .
这就是美国生活。
I'm Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯。
Each week on our program, we choose a theme.
每周我们的节目都会选择一个主题。
Today's show, "The Perils of Intimacy," stories of what exactly can go wrong, big and small, when you get close to somebody.
今天的节目“亲密的危险”讲述了当你与某人亲近时到底可能出现大大小小的问题的故事。
We've arrived at Act Three of our show.
我们已经到了节目的第三幕了。
Act Three "Hero Today, Gone Tomorrow."
第三幕“今天的英雄，明天就消失了。”
It can be so awkward meeting one of your heroes.
见到你心目中的英雄之一可能会很尴尬。
I swear, there should be, like, a separate word for the phenomenon, for the specific problem of what in the world do you say or talk about that is going to live up to everything you know and feel about them.
我发誓，应该有一个单独的词来描述这种现象，描述你所说或谈论的具体问题，这将辜负你对他们的了解和感受。
Kyle Mizono is a comedian, and she faced this problem herself with a man who, in this story, she just refers to as Hero.
凯尔·米佐诺 (Kyle Mizono) 是一位喜剧演员，她自己也面临着这个问题，而她自己和一个男人在一起，在这个故事中，她只是将这个男人称为英雄。
One of the first jobs I got out of college was assisting on a video being made by a big hero of mine.
我大学毕业后得到的第一份工作是协助我的一位大英雄制作视频。
My friend got me the job because she thought this would be a really fun thing for me to do.
我的朋友给我提供了这份工作，因为她认为这对我来说是一件非常有趣的事情。
But I just thought, this is the worst thing ever, because I don't know if you can just tell by my energy, but I'm really bad at meeting most people.
但我只是想，这是有史以来最糟糕的事情，因为我不知道你是否可以通过我的精力来判断，但我真的不擅长与大多数人见面。
And this was meeting one of my heroes.
这是与我心目中的英雄之一的会面。
And I've had so many awkward, horrible interactions that at a certain point, you just realize, maybe I shouldn't speak.
我经历了很多尴尬、可怕的互动，以至于在某个时刻，你突然意识到，也许我不应该说话。
I took the job.
我接受了这份工作。
But I had a plan.
但我有一个计划。
I was like, I'm going to ignore my hero.
我当时想，我要忽略我的英雄了。
You know?
你知道？
He's not even going to know I'm there.
他甚至不会知道我在那里。
So I get there and immediately realize that this is a very small shoot.
所以我到达那里后立即意识到这是一个非常小的拍摄。
And there are only, like, seven people there.
那里只有七个人。
And one of the first people to introduce themselves to me was my hero.
第一个向我介绍自己的人是我的英雄。
He was like, hi.
他就像，嗨。
I'm your hero.
我是你的英雄。
What's your name?
你叫什么名字？
And I just thought, this is the worst day ever!
我只是想，这是有史以来最糟糕的一天！
And it keeps happening, because he's this really nice guy.
这种事一直在发生，因为他是一个非常好的人。
He'd pass by and he'd be like, are you having fun?
他路过时会问，你玩得开心吗？
How's it going?
怎么样了？
And I just wanted to say to him, like, why are you doing this to me?
我只是想对他说，你为什么要这样对我？
But I made it through the day without speaking to him.
但我一整天都没有和他说话。
They were so impressed with me.
他们给我留下了深刻的印象。
The producer was like, hey, we have another job.
制片人说，嘿，我们还有另一份工作。
Why don't you drive your hero to and from another shoot.
为什么不开车送你的英雄去另一个拍摄地点呢？
It's, like, an hour outside of LA.
距离洛杉矶大约一小时路程。
And like, I couldn't say no. I wanted to say to this producer person, I can't handle this.
就像，我无法拒绝。我想对这位制作人说，我受不了。
I'm a danger to this man.
我对这个人来说是一个危险。
But I said, OK.
但我说，好吧。
And now all these thoughts are going through my head.
现在所有这些想法都在我的脑海中闪过。
And I was like, there's just definitely going to be a moment where he shares something about himself, and I'm going to be like, I already know that.
我当时想，肯定会有那么一个时刻，他会分享一些关于自己的事情，我会说，我已经知道了。
You know?
你知道？
Because I know everything about you.
因为我知道你的一切。
So we're in the car, and it's really hard to avoid someone who's in your car.
所以我们在车里，很难避开你车里的人。
But a strange thing happened.
但奇怪的事情发生了。
It was that I didn't feel as uncomfortable as I thought I'd feel, because he was just being so open and nice.
我并没有像我想象的那样感到不舒服，因为他是如此开放和友善。
I started sharing things.
我开始分享东西。
And I told him that he was one of the reasons why I had started doing comedy, and I was this aspiring comedian, and it was just so cool to work with him.
我告诉他，他是我开始做喜剧的原因之一，我是一个有抱负的喜剧演员，和他一起工作真是太酷了。
And as I was dropping him off, he said, I'd love to see you perform sometime.
当我送他时，他说，我很想看你表演。
And he was probably being polite, but you've got to imagine being younger.
他可能很有礼貌，但你必须想象他更年轻。
It was just the most magical, exciting thing ever.
这是有史以来最神奇、最令人兴奋的事情。
And so a week later, I set about-- I went about composing just the perfect email to invite him to a show.
所以一周后，我开始撰写一封完美的电子邮件来邀请他参加一场演出。
And the great thing about email is that you don't have to send anything immediately.
电子邮件的好处在于您不必立即发送任何内容。
You can draft things.
你可以起草东西。
You can really take your time and make sure it's right.
您确实可以花点时间并确保它是正确的。
And that's what I did.
这就是我所做的。
I made all these drafts.
我做了所有这些草稿。
I made sure all the info was there about the event.
我确保有关该活动的所有信息都在那里。
And I made sure the grammar was right and the spacing.
我确保语法和间距正确。
And I even made sure I sounded like a fun person, you know?
我什至确保我听起来像个有趣的人，你知道吗？
Like, I sounded-- you read it, and you were like, that girl's fun.
就像，我听起来——你读了它，然后你就觉得，那个女孩很有趣。
And I never heard back.
我再也没有收到回复。
But it didn't even matter, because I was like, he's just busy.
但这并不重要，因为我想，他只是很忙。
He's this busy guy.
他是个忙碌的人。
And also I just felt like I had made this really good impression.
而且我只是觉得我给人留下了很好的印象。
And that was five years ago.
那是五年前的事了。
And I kept doing comedy.
我一直在演喜剧。
And I was on Gmail very recently.
我最近才使用 Gmail。
And something that I like to do-- so I was just nostalgically looking at old emails I had sent.
这是我喜欢做的事情——所以我只是怀旧地看着我发送的旧电子邮件。
It's just this weird thing I like to do, because occasionally I'll see a fun one and I'll forward it to a friend and be like, remember when I said that?
这只是我喜欢做的一件奇怪的事情，因为偶尔我会看到一个有趣的事情，然后我会把它转发给朋友，然后说，还记得我说过的话吗？
So I was doing that.
所以我就这么做了。
And I scrolled way down.
我向下滚动。
And I stumbled upon the very email that I had written to my hero five years ago.
我偶然发现了五年前我写给我的英雄的电子邮件。
"Dear hero, set aside two tickets for you to next month's show on January 19, if you can make it.
“亲爱的英雄，如果你能赶到的话，请为你预留两张 1 月 19 日演出的门票。
If not, it's every month, so there's always a next time.
如果没有，每个月都会有，所以总会有下一次。
Also, the shoot turned out awesome." It's pretty good, right?
而且，拍摄效果也很棒。”非常好，对吧？
That was sent at 12:01.
该消息于 12:01 发送。
And then underneath that, I found another one sent at 12:01.
然后在其下面，我发现了另一封于 12:01 发送的邮件。
It's within the same minute.
就在同一分钟之内。
"Dear hero, set aside two tickets for you to next month's show on January 19, if you can make it." And then I added, "Hope you had a wonderful holiday!"
“亲爱的英雄，如果你能赶到的话，请为你预留两张 1 月 19 日演出的门票。”然后我补充道：“希望你度过了一个愉快的假期！”
And then I found another one underneath that.
然后我在它下面发现了另一个。
Sent at 12:02.
12:02 发送。
I had confused saving with sending, and my comedy hero received all of my drafts.
我混淆了保存和发送，我的喜剧英雄收到了我所有的草稿。
"Dear hero, set aside two tickets for you to next month's show on January 19, if you can make it." And there's this huge gap.
“亲爱的英雄，如果你能赶到的话，请为你预留两张 1 月 19 日演出的门票。”还有这个巨大的差距。
And then I added, "Also, the shoot turned out awesome.
然后我补充道：“而且，拍摄效果非常棒。
Yeah!"
是啊！”
"Dear hero," and this one, at 12:04, just added the venue.
《亲爱的英雄》，这首，12点04分，刚刚添加了场地。
It's 12:04 again.
又是12点04分了。
Now I just added the time.
现在我只是添加了时间。
Now, it's 12:05, and I just added, parentheses, doors at 7:00 PM.
现在是 12:05，我刚刚添加了括号，晚上 7:00 开门。
You know, just in case he wants to come early when the doors open.
你知道，以防万一他想在开门时早点来。
12:05, same email.
12:05，同一封电子邮件。
12:06, same email.
12:06，同一封电子邮件。
And then this big time gap happens.
然后这个巨大的时间差距就发生了。
Now it's 12:21.
现在是 12 点 21 分。
And I say, "Dear hero, hol." It's just H-O-L, just a spelling error.
我说：“亲爱的英雄，哈哈。”只是 H-O-L，只是一个拼写错误。
And then at 12:25, I send it off.
然后在12点25分，我把它寄走了。
But of course in my style, I send it off twice.
但当然，按照我的风格，我会发送两次。
I can't believe I did that.
我不敢相信我竟然这么做了。
And if I had known about this, I don't know if I would be standing here in front of you tonight.
如果我知道这一点，我不知道今晚我是否会站在你们面前。
It would have been too embarrassing to do anything in comedy, ever, after doing this sort of thing to my comedy hero.
在对我的喜剧英雄做了这种事之后，在喜剧中做任何事情都太尴尬了。
And I also don't think I would be here tonight, because I would be in a nut house, just rocking back and forth, saying, "Also, the shoot turned out awesome!
我也不认为我今晚会在这里，因为我会在一个疯子屋里，只是来回摇晃，说：“而且，拍摄结果很棒！
Also, the shoot turned out awesome!
另外，拍摄效果也很棒！
Also, the shoot turned out awesome!" Thank you.
而且，拍摄效果也很棒！”谢谢。
Thank you so much.
太感谢了。
Kyle Mizono is a comedian in Los Angeles.
凯尔·米佐诺 (Kyle Mizono) 是洛杉矶的喜剧演员。
[MUSIC - "ANTI-LOVE SONG" BY BETTY DAVIS]
[音乐 - 贝蒂·戴维斯的《反情歌》]
Act Four, "Break It Down." So we end our show today about the perils of intimacy with this story that tries to tally up what is good and what is bad about getting close to somebody.
第四幕，“打破它”。因此，我们今天以这个故事结束关于亲密关系的危险的节目，这个故事试图总结与某人亲近的好处和坏处。
This is one of my favorite short stories.
这是我最喜欢的短篇小说之一。
It's by Lydia Davis.
这是莉迪亚·戴维斯的作品。
It's read first by actor Matt Malloy.
首先由演员马特·马洛伊朗读。
Warning to listeners, this story does acknowledge that people have sex.
警告听众，这个故事确实承认人们有性行为。
He's sitting there, staring at a piece of paper in front of him.
他坐在那里，盯着面前的一张纸。
He's trying to break it down.
他正试图打破它。
He says, I'm breaking it all down.
他说，我正在打破这一切。
The ticket was $600.
票价是600美元。
And after that, there was more for the hotel and food and so on, for just 10 days.
之后，还有更多的酒店和食物等等，仅仅10天。
Say $80 a day.
比如说每天80美元。
No, more like $100 a day.
不，大约每天 100 美元。
And we made love, say, once a day.
我们每天做爱一次。
On the average, that's $100 a shot.
平均来说，每次注射要 100 美元。
And each time, it lasted maybe two or three hours.
而且每次持续的时间大概有两三个小时。
So that would be anywhere from $33 to $50 an hour, which is expensive.
所以每小时 33 到 50 美元不等，这很贵。
Though, of course, that wasn't all that went on, because we were together almost all day long.
当然，这并不是全部，因为我们几乎整天都在一起。
So that means she would keep looking at me.
这意味着她会一直看着我。
And every time she looked at me, that was worth something.
每次她看着我，我都感到很值得。
And she smiled at me and didn't stop talking and singing.
她对我微笑，并没有停止说话和唱歌。
Something I said, she would sail into it, a snatch, for me.
我说了些什么，她就会为我而航行，抢夺。
She would be gone from me, a little ways, but smiling too.
她会离开我，离开我一点点，但也会微笑着。
And tell me jokes.
还给我讲笑话。
I loved it.
我喜欢它。
I didn't exactly know what to do about it.
我完全不知道该怎么办。
Just smiled back at her and felt slow next to her, just not quick enough.
只是对她微笑，感觉在她身边很慢，只是不够快。
So she talked and touched me on the shoulder and the arm.
于是她一边说话，一边抚摸我的肩膀和手臂。
She kept touching and stayed close to me.
她不断地触碰我，离我很近。
You're with each other all day long, and it keeps happening, the touches and smiles.
你们整天都在一起，这种事情一直在发生，触摸和微笑。
And it adds up.
累加起来。
It builds up.
它建立起来。
And you know where you'll be that night.
你知道那天晚上你会在哪里。
You're talking, and every now and then you think about it.
你一边说着，一边时不时地想一想。
No, you don't think.
不，你不认为。
You just feel it as kind of a destination, what's coming up after you leave wherever you are all evening.
你只是觉得它就像一个目的地，无论你整个晚上都在哪里，离开后会发生什么。
And you're happy about it.
你对此感到高兴。
And you're planning it all.
而你正在计划这一切。
Not in your head, really.
不在你的脑海里，真的。
Somewhere inside your body, or all through your body, it's all mounting up and coming together so that when you get in bed, you can't help it.
在你身体内部的某个地方，或者整个身体，所有这些都在向上并聚集在一起，所以当你躺在床上时，你会情不自禁。
It's a real performance.
这是一场真实的表演。
It all pours out, but slowly.
一切都倾泻而出，但很缓慢。
You go easy until you can't anymore.
你慢慢来，直到你再也不能为止。
Or you hold back the whole time.
或者你一直在压抑。
You hold back and touch the edges of everything.
你忍住并触摸一切的边缘。
You edge around until you have to plunge in and finish it off.
你四处走动，直到你必须投入并完成它。
And when you're finished, you're too weak to stand.
当你完成后，你已经虚弱得无法站立。
But after a while, you have to go to the bathroom and you stand.
但过了一会儿，你必须去洗手间，然后你就站起来。
Your legs are trembling.
你的腿在颤抖。
You hold on to the door frames.
你抓住门框。
There's a little light coming in through the window.
有一点光从窗户透进来。
You can see your way in and out, but you can't really see the bed.
你可以看到进出的路，但你看不到床。
So it's really not a $100 a shot, because it goes on all day, from the start when you wake up and feel her body next to you.
所以这真的不是 100 美元一针，因为它会持续一整天，从你醒来并感觉到她的身体在你身边开始。
You don't miss a thing, not a thing of what's going on next to you-- her leg, her arm, her shoulder, her face, that good skin.
你不会错过任何一件事，不会错过你身边发生的事情——她的腿、她的手臂、她的肩膀、她的脸，还有那美好的皮肤。
I've felt other good skin, but this skin is just the edge of something else.
我体验过其他不错的皮肤，但这款皮肤只是其他皮肤的边缘。
And you're going to start going.
你要开始行动了。
I mean, no matter how much you crawl all over each other, it won't be enough.
我的意思是，无论你们如何互相爬行，都不够。
And when your hunger dies down a little bit, then you start to think about how much you love her.
当你的饥饿感稍微减弱时，你就会开始思考你有多爱她。
And then that starts you off again.
然后你又开始了。
And her face, and you look over to her face and you can't believe how you got there and how lucky.
还有她的脸，你看着她的脸，你简直不敢相信你是如何到达那里的以及多么幸运。
And it's all still a surprise, and it never stops.
这一切仍然是一个惊喜，而且永远不会停止。
I mean, even after it's over, it never stops being a surprise.
我的意思是，即使结束了，它也永远不会停止令人惊讶。
It's more like you have a good 16 or 18 hours a day of this going on.
更像是你每天有 16 或 18 个小时的时间在进行这样的事情。
Even when you're not with her, it's still going on.
即使你不在她身边，事情仍在继续。
I mean, it's good to be away from her because it's going to be so good to get back to her.
我的意思是，离开她很好，因为回到她身边真是太好了。
You know, it's still there in you.
你知道，它仍然存在于你的内心。
And you can't go off and look at some old street or some old painting without feeling it in your body and a few things that happened the day before that don't mean much by themselves, or wouldn't mean much if you weren't having this thing together, but you can't forget.
你不可能离开去看一些老街或一些旧画而不在你的身体中感受到它，而前一天发生的一些事情本身并没有多大意义，或者如果你没有一起经历这件事就没有多大意义，但你不能忘记。
And it's all inside of you all the time.
这一切一直都在你的内心。
So it's more like, say, 16 into 100 would be $6 an hour, which isn't too much.
所以说，16 进 100 就是每小时 6 美元，这并不算多。
But it isn't over when it ends.
但结束的时候还没有结束。
I mean, it goes on after it's all over.
我的意思是，一切结束后，事情还会继续。
She's still inside you, like a sweet liqueur.
她仍然在你体内，就像一杯甜甜的利口酒。
You're filled with her.
你心里充满了她。
Everything about her has kind of bled into you-- her voice, her smell, the way her body moves.
她的一切都融入了你——她的声音、她的气味、她身体的动作。
It's all inside of you, at least for a while after.
这一切都在你的内心，至少在之后的一段时间内是这样。
Then you begin to lose it.
然后你开始失去它。
And I'm beginning to lose it.
我开始失去它。
You're afraid of how weak you are, that you can't get her all back into you again, and now the whole thing is going to be out of your body, and it's more in your mind than in your body.
你害怕自己有多虚弱，害怕无法让她再次回到你身边，而现在这一切都将离开你的身体，更多的是在你的脑海中而不是在你的身体里。
And the pictures come to you, one by one, and you look at them.
图片一张一张地出现在你面前，你看着它们。
Some of them last longer than others.
其中一些比其他的持续时间更长。
The pictures come to you, and you have to hope they won't lose their life too fast and dry up, though you know they will, and that you'll also forget some of what happened, because already you're turning up little things that you nearly forgot.
这些照片来到你面前，你必须希望它们不会太快地失去生命和干涸，尽管你知道它们会，而且你也会忘记一些发生过的事情，因为你已经在找一些你几乎忘记的小事情了。
We were in bed, and she asked me, do I seem fat to you?
我们躺在床上，她问我，你觉得我胖吗？
And I was surprised, because she didn't seem to worry about herself at all in that way.
我很惊讶，因为她似乎根本不担心自己。
And I guess I was reading into it that she did worry about herself.
我想我正在解读她确实担心自己。
So I answered what I was thinking and said stupidly that she had a very beautiful body, that her body was perfect.
于是我就按自己的想法回答了，傻傻地说，她的身体很漂亮，她的身体很完美。
And I really meant it as an answer, but she said kind of sharply, that's not what I asked.
我确实是想回答，但她尖锐地说，这不是我问的。
And so I had to try to answer her again exactly what she had asked.
所以我不得不再次尝试准确地回答她所问的问题。
And once she lay over against me late at night, and she started talking, her breath in my ear, and she just went on and on and talked faster and faster.
有一次深夜，她靠在我身上，开始说话，她的呼吸在我耳边，她一直说个不停，说得越来越快。
She couldn't stop.
她停不下来。
And I loved it.
我喜欢它。
I just felt that all that life in her was running into me too.
我只是觉得她身上的所有生命也都融入到了我身上。
I had so little life in me.
我的生命力太少了。
Her life, her fire was coming into me in that hot breath in my ear.
她的生命，她的火焰通过我耳边那股热气进入了我的体内。
And I just wanted her to go on talking forever right there next to me.
我只是想让她在我旁边继续说话。
And I would go on living like that.
我会继续这样生活。
I would be able to go on living but without her.
即使没有她，我也能继续生活。
I don't know.
我不知道。
Then you forget some of it all, maybe most of it all, almost all of it in the end.
然后你会忘记其中的一些，也许是大部分，最后几乎全部。
And you work hard at remembering everything now so you won't ever forget.
现在你努力记住一切，这样你就永远不会忘记。
But you can kill it too, even by thinking about it too much, though you can't help but thinking about it nearly all the time.
但你也可以杀死它，即使你想得太多，尽管你几乎无时无刻不在想它。
And then when the pictures start to go, you start asking some questions, just little questions that sit in your mind without any answers, like, why did she leave the light on when you came to bed one night, but it was off the next?
然后当照片开始播放时，你开始问一些问题，只是一些在你脑海中没有任何答案的小问题，比如，为什么有一天晚上你上床睡觉时她让灯开着，但第二天就关了？
But she had it on the night after that, and she had it off the last night.
但她在那之后的晚上就戴上了它，并在昨晚把它摘掉了。
Why?
为什么？
And other questions, little questions that nag at you like that.
还有其他问题，像这样困扰你的小问题。
And finally the pictures go, and these dry little questions just sit there without any answers, and you're left with this large heavy pain in you that you try to numb by reading.
最后，图片消失了，这些枯燥的小问题就坐在那里，没有任何答案，你心里留下了巨大的沉重痛苦，你试图通过阅读来麻木它。
Or you try to ease it by getting out into public places where there'll be people around you.
或者你可以尝试到周围有人的公共场所来缓解这种情况。
But no matter how good you are at pushing that pain away, just when you think you're going to be all right for a little while, that you're safe, you're kind of holding it off with all your strength and you're staying in some bare little numb spot of ground, then suddenly it will all come back.
但无论你多么擅长推开那种疼痛，当你认为自己会好一阵子、觉得自己很安全时，你用尽全身力气阻止它，呆在某个光秃秃的、麻木的地方，然后突然一切都会回来。
You'll hear a noise.
您会听到噪音。
Maybe it's a cat crying or a baby, something else like her cry.
也许是猫在哭，或者是婴儿在哭，或者是其他类似她的哭声。
You hear it and make that connection in a part of you you have no control over, and that pain comes back so hard that you're afraid, afraid of how you're going to fall back into it again.
你听到它，并在你无法控制的一部分中建立起这种联系，而那种痛苦又回来得如此强烈，以至于你害怕，害怕你将如何再次陷入其中。
And you wonder-- no, you're terrified-- at how you're ever going to climb out of it.
你想知道——不，你很害怕——你将如何摆脱困境。
So it's not every hour of the day while it's happening.
所以它并不是一天中的每个小时都在发生。
It's really for hours and hours every day after that, for weeks, though less and less, so that you could work out a ratio if you wanted.
此后，每天都要花几个小时、几个小时、几个星期，尽管时间越来越少，这样你就可以根据需要计算出一个比率。
Maybe after six weeks, you're only thinking about it an hour or so in the day altogether, a few minutes here and there, spread over-- or a few minutes here and there, and a half an hour before you go to sleep.
也许六周后，你一天中只会思考这件事一个小时左右，到处几分钟，分散开来——或者到处几分钟，睡觉前半小时。
Or sometimes it all comes back and you stay awake half the night.
或者有时候，一切又回来了，你半夜都睡不着。
So when you add up all that, you've only spent maybe $3 an hour on it.
所以当你把所有这些加起来时，你每小时大约只花了 3 美元。
If you have to figure in the bad times too, I don't know.
如果你也必须考虑困难时期，我不知道。
There weren't any bad times with her, though.
不过，和她在一起并没有什么不好的时光。
Maybe there was one bad time, when I told her I loved her.
也许有一次很糟糕，当我告诉她我爱她时。
I couldn't help it.
我忍不住了。
This was the first time this had happened with her.
这种事在她身上还是第一次发生。
Now I was half falling in love with her, or maybe completely if she'd let me.
现在我已经半爱上她了，或者如果她允许的话，也许是完全爱上她了。
But she couldn't, or I couldn't completely, because it was all going to be so short and other things too.
但她不能，或者说我完全不能，因为一切都会如此短暂，还有其他的事情。
And so I told her.
我就这样告诉她。
And I didn't know of any way to tell her first that she didn't have to feel that this was a burden, the fact that I loved her, or that she didn't have to feel the same about me or say the same back, that it was just that I had to tell her, that's all, because it was bursting inside me.
我不知道有什么办法可以先告诉她，她不必觉得这是一种负担，我爱她的事实，或者她不必对我有同样的感觉或说同样的话，只是我必须告诉她，仅此而已，因为它在我内心爆发。
And saying it wouldn't even begin to take care of what I was feeling, really.
并说它甚至不会开始照顾我的感受，真的。
I couldn't say anything of what I was feeling because there was so much words couldn't handle it.
我无法说出我的感受，因为有太多言语无法表达。
And making love only made it worse, because then I wanted words badly but they were no good, no good at all.
而做爱只会让情况变得更糟，因为那时我非常想要言语，但它们没有好处，一点好处也没有。
But I told her anyway.
但我还是告诉了她。
I was lying on top of her.
我躺在她身上。
And her hands were up by her head, and my hands were on hers.
她的手举在头上，我的手放在她的手上。
And our fingers were locked, and there was a little light on her face from the window, but I couldn't see her.
我们的手指十指相扣，窗外有一点光照射到她的脸上，但我看不到她。
And I was afraid to say it, but I had to say it because I wanted her to know.
我不敢说，但我不得不说，因为我想让她知道。
It was the last night.
那是最后一晚。
I had to tell her then, or I'd never have another chance.
我当时必须告诉她，否则我就再也没有机会了。
And I just said, before you go to sleep-- I have to tell you before you go to sleep that I love you.
我只是说，在你睡觉之前——我必须在你睡觉之前告诉你我爱你。
And immediately, right away after, she said, I love you too.
紧接着，她说，我也爱你。
And it sounded to me as if she didn't mean it, a little flat.
我听上去好像她不是故意的，有点平淡。
But then it usually sounds flat when somebody says "I love you too," because they're just saying it back, even if they do mean it.
但当有人说“我也爱你”时，通常听起来很平淡，因为他们只是在回嘴，即使他们确实是这么想的。
And the problem is that I'll never know if she meant it.
问题是我永远不知道她是否是认真的。
Or maybe someday she'll tell me whether she meant it or not, but there's no way to know now.
或者也许有一天她会告诉我她是否有意，但现在无法知道。
And I'm sorry I did that.
我很抱歉我这么做了。
It was a trap I didn't mean to put her in.
这是一个陷阱，我不是故意让她掉进去的。
I can see it was a trap, because if she hadn't said anything at all, that would have hurt me too, as though she were taking something from me and just accepting it and not giving anything back.
我可以看出这是一个陷阱，因为如果她什么也没说，那也会伤害我，就好像她从我身上夺走了一些东西，然后只是接受它，而不给予任何回报。
So she really had to.
所以她真的不得不这么做。
I mean, even if just to be kind, she had to say it.
我的意思是，即使只是出于善意，她也不得不说出来。
And I don't really know now if she meant it.
我现在真的不知道她是否是认真的。
Another bad time-- or it wasn't exactly bad, but it wasn't easy either-- was when I had to leave.
另一个糟糕的时刻——或者说不完全糟糕，但也不容易——是我不得不离开的时候。
The time was coming, and I was beginning to tremble and feel empty.
时间快到了，我开始颤抖，感到空虚。
Nothing in the middle of me, nothing inside, nothing to hold me up on my legs.
我中间没有任何东西，里面没有任何东西，没有任何东西可以支撑我的双腿。
And then it came.
然后它来了。
Everything was ready, and I had to go.
一切都准备好了，我也该走了。
So it was just a kiss, a quick one, as though we were afraid of what might happen after a kiss.
所以这只是一个吻，一个很快的吻，就好像我们害怕接吻后会发生什么一样。
And she was almost wild then.
那时她几乎是狂野的。
She reached up to a hook by the door and took an old shirt, a green and blue shirt from the hook, and put it in my arms for me to take away.
她伸手到门边的一个挂钩上，从挂钩上取出一件旧衬衫，一件绿蓝相间的衬衫，放在我怀里让我拿走。
The soft cloth was full of her smell.
柔软的布料上充满了她的味道。
And then we stood there, close together, looking at this piece of paper she had in her hand.
然后我们站在那里，靠得很近，看着她手里的这张纸。
And I didn't lose any of it.
而我并没有失去任何东西。
I was holding it tight, that last minute or two, because this was it.
最后一两分钟我紧紧抓住它，因为就是这样了。
We'd come to the end of it.
我们就到此为止了。
Things always change, so this was really it.
事情总是在变化，所以这确实是这样。
Over.
超过。
Maybe it works out all right.
也许一切顺利。
Maybe you haven't lost for doing it.
也许你并没有因此而失败。
I don't know.
我不知道。
No, really.
不，真的。
I mean, sometimes, when you think of it, you feel like a prince, really.
我的意思是，有时候，当你想到这一点时，你真的感觉自己像个王子。
You feel just like a king.
你感觉就像一个国王。
And other times, you're afraid.
而其他时候，你会感到害怕。
You're afraid, not all the time, but now and then, of what it's going to do to you.
你不是一直害怕，而是时不时地害怕它会对你产生什么影响。
And it's hard to know what to do with it now.
现在很难知道如何处理它。
Walking away, I looked back once, and the door was still open.
走开的时候，我回头看了一眼，门还开着。
I could see her standing far back in the dark in the room.
我可以看到她站在房间黑暗中很远的地方。
I could only really see her white face, still looking out at me, and her white arms.
我只能看到她苍白的脸，仍然看着我，还有她白皙的手臂。
I guess you get to a point where you look at that pain as if it were there in front of you three feet away, lying in a box, an open box in a window somewhere.
我猜你已经到了这样的地步：你看着那种疼痛，就好像它就在你面前三英尺远，躺在一个盒子里，某个窗户里的一个打开的盒子。
It's hard and cold, like a bar of metal.
它又硬又冷，就像一根金属条。
You just look at it there and say, all right.
你只要看着它然后说，好吧。
I'll take it.
我要买它。
I'll buy it.
我会买它。
That's what it is, because you know all about it before you even go into this thing.
就是这样，因为在你进入这件事之前你就知道了一切。
You know the pain is part of the whole thing.
你知道痛苦是整个事情的一部分。
And it isn't that we can say afterwards the pleasure was greater than the pain and that's why you'd do it again.
我们不能说事后的快乐大于痛苦，这就是为什么你会再做一次。
That has nothing to do with it.
这与此无关。
You can't measure it, because the pain comes after and it lasts longer.
你无法衡量它，因为疼痛会随之而来，而且持续时间更长。
So the question really is, why doesn't the pain make you say I won't do it again?
所以问题实际上是，为什么疼痛不会让你说我不会再这样做了？
When the pain is so bad that you have to say that, but you don't?
当疼痛严重到你不得不这么说，但你不这么做的时候？
So I'm just thinking about it, how you can go in with $600, more like $1,000, and how you can come out with an old shirt.
所以我只是在想，你如何能用 600 美元，更像是 1,000 美元进去，以及如何能带着一件旧衬衫出来。
Matt Malloy, reading Lydia Davis's story, "Break It Down." It was first published in her book of the same name.
马特·马洛伊正在阅读莉迪亚·戴维斯的故事《打破它》。它首次发表在她的同名书中。
It's also in her collected stories.
她的故事集中也有这样的内容。
We edited it slightly for radio.
我们为广播稍微编辑了一下。
[MUSIC - "LADY, YOU SHOT ME" BY HAR MAR SUPERSTAR]
[音乐 - HAR MAR SUPERSTAR 的“女士，你开枪打死我了”]
Our program was produced today by Robyn Semien, with help from Nancy Updike and our production staff, Zoe Chace, Sean Cole, Neil Drumming, Stephanie Foo, Chana Joffe-Walt, Miki Meek, Jonathan Menjivar, Lyra Smith, and Matt Tierney.
我们的节目今天由 Robyn Semien 制作，并得到了 Nancy Updike 和我们的制作人员 Zoe Chace、Sean Cole、Neil Drumming、Stephanie Foo、Chana Joffe-Walt、Miki Meek、Jonathan Menjivar、Lyra Smith 和 Matt Tierney 的帮助。
Our editor is Joe Lovell.
我们的编辑是乔·洛弗尔。
Editorial help Julie Snyder and Elna Baker.
编辑帮助朱莉·斯奈德和埃尔娜·贝克。
Research help from Christopher Swetala and Michelle Harris.
Christopher Swetala 和 Michelle Harris 提供了研究帮助。
Music help Damien Graef and Rob Geddis.
音乐帮助了达米安·格雷夫和罗布·格迪斯。
And our website, thisamericanlife.org.
还有我们的网站 thisamericanlife.org。
This American Life is delivered to public radio stations by PRX, the Public Radio Exchange.
《美国生活》由公共广播电台 PRX 向公共广播电台播出。
Thanks as always to our programs co-founder, Mr. Torey Malatia.
一如既往地感谢我们的项目联合创始人 Torey Malatia 先生。
You know, I tried talked to him about whether Daenarys Targaryen is going to end up on the Iron Throne with John Snow, and I just think he misunderstood.
你知道，我试图和他谈论丹妮莉丝·坦格利安是否会最终与约翰·斯诺一起登上铁王座，但我认为他误解了。
Tolkien?
托尔金？
I don't [BLEEP] with Tolkien at all.
我根本不喜欢托尔金。
Yeah, no. No, that [BLEEP] was always too white for me.
是的，不。不，那个 [BLEEP] 对我来说总是太白了。
I'm Ira Glass, back next week with more stories of This American Life .
我是艾拉·格拉斯，下周回来，带来更多《美国生活》的故事。
This American Life is produced in collaboration with WBEZ Chicago and delivered to stations by PRX The Public Radio Exchange.
《This American Life》与 WBEZ Chicago 合作制作，并由 PRX 公共广播电台传送到各电台。