579: My Damn Mind - This American Life
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00:00 00:00 Transcript Share This American Life Life Partners How to Listen Episodes Recommended About Overview Staff Announcements Fellowships Jobs Music Make Radio On The Road FAQ Submissions Merch Contact Us Our Other Shows Merch Follow Us Life Partners Subscribe to our newsletter Full episode Toggle Audio and Transcript Sync Transcript | Episode #579 | March 10, 2017 579: My Damn Mind Note: This American Life is produced for the ear and designed to be heard.
00:00 00:00 文字记录 分享此 美国生活 生活伙伴 如何收听 剧集 推荐 关于 概述 员工公告 奖学金 工作 音乐 在路上制作电台 常见问题解答 提交 商品 联系我们 我们的其他节目 商品 关注我们 生活伙伴 订阅我们的时事通讯 整集 切换音频和文字记录同步 文字记录 | 内容第 579 集 | 2017 年 3 月 10 日 579：我该死的想法 注：《美国生活》是为耳朵而制作的，旨在让人们听到。
If you are able, we strongly encourage you to listen to the audio, which includes emotion and emphasis that's not on the page.
如果可以的话，我们强烈建议您收听音频，其中包括页面上没有的情感和重点。
Transcripts are generated using a combination of speech recognition software and human transcribers, and may contain errors.
文字记录是使用语音识别软件和人工转录员结合生成的，可能包含错误。
Please check the corresponding audio before quoting in print.
请在印刷版引用前检查相应的音频。
Prologue Ira Glass On a Thursday morning in August, 2015, a staffer at a big hospital in downtown Houston, St. Joseph Medical Center, heard a Code Green on the intercom and did what they always did-- ran over to the room.
序言 Ira Glass 2015 年 8 月的一个星期四早上，休斯敦市中心一家大医院圣约瑟夫医疗中心的一名工作人员听到对讲机上发出绿色代码，然后做了他们一贯做的事情——跑到病房。
Then it was a Code Blue.
然后是蓝色代码。
Code Blue means somebody needs immediate medical attention.
蓝色代码意味着有人需要立即就医。
Same room.
同一个房间。
And I just see blood everywhere, all over the floor.
我只看到到处都是血，地板上到处都是血。
I was actually shocked.
我其实很震惊。
It was just kind of smeared here.
这里只是被涂抹了。
There was some there.
那里有一些。
But it was all over the floor.
但地板上到处都是。
We had to put on-- we put shoe covers on in order to walk in the room.
我们必须穿上鞋套才能在房间里行走。
That was just how much it was.
就是这样。
They walked in and saw a 26-year-old college student on the floor, handcuffed, with a bullet wound in his chest.
他们走进去，看到一名26岁的大学生倒在地上，戴着手铐，胸部中弹。
He'd been tasered by police before he was shot.
在他被枪杀之前，他曾被警察电击。
And he still had the taser things attached to his chest.
他的胸前还挂着泰瑟枪的东西。
And I mean, that was the first time I'd ever seen what taser lines look like-- just a bunch of wires coming from him.
我的意思是，那是我第一次看到泰瑟枪的样子——只是从他身上发出的一束电线。
And I remember the surgeon screaming at the cop to take his handcuffs off.
我记得外科医生对警察尖叫，要求他摘下手铐。
He was like, "take the cuffs off now.
他说：“现在把手铐摘下来吧。”
We have no time to waste." And he said it multiple times.
我们没有时间可以浪费了。”而且他也说过很多次了。
"Really?
“真的吗？
He's cuffed on the floor?
他被铐在地板上？
We can't do anything with him cuffed.
他被铐着我们什么也做不了。
Just take the damn cuffs off him."
只要把他那该死的手铐解开就行了。”
Police had shot an unarmed patient in his own hospital room.
警察在一名手无寸铁的病人自己的病房里开枪射击了他。
The fallout from this incident was enormous.
这起事件的影响是巨大的。
Federal investigators came in.
联邦调查员进来了。
The hospital's funding was threatened.
医院的资金受到威胁。
It was so contentious that I recorded an interview with this hospital staffer, and to protect their identity, we have replaced the person's voice with an actor saying the exact same words.
由于争议很大，我录制了对这位医院工作人员的采访，为了保护他们的身份，我们用一个演员说着完全相同的话来代替这个人的声音。
The story I'm about to tell you is one that we put together in collaboration with The New York Times, last year.
我要告诉你们的故事是我们去年与《纽约时报》合作编写的。
The actor, by the way, is named Scott Shepherd.
顺便说一句，这位演员名叫斯科特·谢泼德。
To explain what happened in that hospital room, I want to back up to the day before, 20 hours before the shooting, and tell you about the patient.
为了解释那间病房里发生的事情，我想回到前一天，也就是枪击事件发生前 20 小时，向大家介绍一下病人的情况。
The doctor saved his life.
医生救了他的命。
His name is Alan Pean.
他的名字叫艾伦·皮恩。
He's alive and talking about what happened.
他还活着，正在谈论发生的事情。
And when he does, before you get to the very interesting story about how he ended up with a bullet in his chest, it's also incredibly interesting to hear him describe the day that led up to the shooting, because during that day, over the course of just a few hours, basically his mind slipped away from him.
当他这样做时，在你了解他如何最终胸部中弹的非常有趣的故事之前，听他描述导致枪击事件的那一天也是非常有趣的，因为在那一天，在短短几个小时的过程中，基本上他的思绪从他身上溜走了。
Bit by bit, he stopped understanding what was real and what wasn't real.
渐渐地，他不再明白什么是真实的，什么是不真实的。
And he describes what that feels like in this way I have never heard anybody describe before.
他以我以前从未听过任何人描述过的方式描述了那种感觉。
It's This American Life from WBEZ Chicago.
这就是 WBEZ 芝加哥的《美国生活》。
I'm Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯。
Today's program, "My Damn Mind." We have two stories on our program today-- in one, the brain working for you, and the other, this story, the brain very much not working for you, not being a helper, not being a pal.
今天的节目是《我该死的心》。今天我们的节目有两个故事——一个是大脑为你工作，另一个是这个故事，大脑非常不为你工作，不是一个帮助者，不是一个朋友。
And let's get right to it.
让我们开始吧。
This is Act One, "When Your Hospital-Borne Infection is a Bullet." The week before this happened, Alan Pean was starting his last semester at college, in a new school in a new city.
这是第一幕，“当你的院内感染是一颗子弹时”。就在这件事发生的前一周，艾伦·皮恩在一个新城市的一所新学校开始了大学的最后一个学期。
He'd just moved to Houston two weeks before, anxious to do well.
两周前他刚刚搬到休斯敦，渴望取得好成绩。
Alan comes from a family with a lot of doctors-- his dad, his uncle.
艾伦来自一个有很多医生的家庭——他的父亲、他的叔叔。
Both his brothers are on their way to becoming doctors.
他的两个兄弟都正在成为医生。
In this family of overachievers, Alan's the one who's still figuring out what he wants to do.
在这个成绩优异的家庭中，艾伦是那个仍在弄清楚自己想做什么的人。
He plays video games with a group of friends from high school, smokes weed, soft-spoken, thoughtful, considerate.
他和一群高中朋友一起玩电子游戏，吸大麻，说话轻声细语，体贴，体贴。
And he moved to Houston with a plan to get things done-- finish school, get to grad school.
他搬到了休斯顿，并计划完成学业——完成学业，进入研究生院。
He stopped smoking weed, time to buckle down.
他不再吸大麻了，是时候该认真工作了。
And he was stressed out, sleeping only four hours a night.
他压力很大，每晚只睡四个小时。
But at the same time, he had all this energy, which I guess is something that just happens to him sometimes.
但与此同时，他又拥有如此的能量，我想这有时会发生在他身上。
I recognize it as a mania.
我认为这是一种狂热。
OK, Alan.
好的，艾伦。
You're manic right now.
你现在很狂躁。
But I didn't think much of it.
但我并没有想太多。
I was like, OK, this is just going to happen for a little bit, and it'll go away.
我当时想，好吧，这种情况只会发生一点，然后就会消失。
And that's because in the past, sometimes this would happen for a couple of days, and then it would go away.
那是因为在过去，有时这种情况会发生几天，然后就会消失。
So he's trying to hold it together.
所以他正在努力将其保持在一起。
He's going to class.
他要去上课了。
He's forcing himself to talk to people at this new school.
他强迫自己与这所新学校的人们交谈。
He's making himself do all the things that he's supposed to do.
他强迫自己做所有他应该做的事情。
And it's working.
它正在发挥作用。
On August 26, the day before the shooting, in his philosophy of science class, lots of people want to be in his study group.
8月26日，枪击事件的前一天，在他的科学哲学课上，很多人想加入他的学习小组。
And when class ended, they made a plan to meet over the weekend.
课程结束后，他们计划周末见面。
And everyone was exchanging emails.
每个人都在交换电子邮件。
And I was like, "all right, OK.
我当时想，“好吧，好吧。
So I'll see you guys later." And you know, it's like, we were in the quad, and I'm walking out to go to my car.
所以我稍后会见到你们。”你知道，就像我们在四方车里，我正走出去去我的车。
And I just continue walking.
我就继续走。
I feel great.
我感觉很棒。
This is good.
这很好。
I finally have my group ready to go.
我终于让我的团队准备出发了。
I'm going to go ahead and get home and continue being productive.
我要回家并继续高效工作。
I have a book that I really like to read.
我有一本我非常喜欢读的书。
I'm going to go finish that.
我要去完成那件事。
And then--
然后——
This is the moment that we're roughly 20 hours before the shooting in the hospital room.
这是距离医院病房发生枪击事件大约 20 小时的时刻。
When Alan gets in the car, he starts thinking about all the things that he needs to read and do and study, and something in him just kind of tips, he says.
他说，当艾伦上车时，他开始思考他需要阅读、做和学习的所有事情，而他身上的一些东西只是一些技巧。
He starts to panic.
他开始惊慌。
But you know, he gets home, he starts to cook some food, he tries to calm down.
但你知道，他回到家，开始做饭，他试图冷静下来。
He's got a plan to play a video game online with his buddies.
他计划与他的好友一起玩在线视频游戏。
He hooks up the PS4, gets on FaceTime with his friends.
他连接上 PS4，通过 FaceTime 与朋友们通话。
So I'm trying to play on the game, but it's like my wires start getting crossed.
所以我试图玩这个游戏，但我的电线开始交叉。
Things start getting confusing.
事情开始变得混乱。
Confusing like I have this controller, but then a thought would interject.
就像我有这个控制器一样令人困惑，但随后一个想法就会插入。
He thought this controller somehow switches on a processor inside of him.
他认为这个控制器以某种方式打开了他体内的处理器。
Like I'm this bionic being who had been reprogrammed by the enemy.
就像我是一个被敌人重新编程的仿生生物。
It's like where you have the delusional thoughts competing with your rational thoughts.
这就像你的妄想想法与你的理性想法竞争一样。
And then you disproving your delusional thoughts, but then another one comes up.
然后你反驳了你的妄想，但另一个想法又出现了。
And it seems more likely.
而且这种可能性似乎更大。
His computer, he thought, was not his computer.
他想，他的电脑不是他的电脑。
It was a state-of-the-art device that could summon drones to destroy his apartment complex.
这是一种最先进的设备，可以召唤无人机摧毁他的公寓大楼。
Meaningless coincidences seemed like signals that he was on a secret mission.
毫无意义的巧合似乎表明他正在执行一项秘密任务。
Now, Alan had had delusional episodes before-- two times.
艾伦以前曾有过两次妄想症。
The first was in 2008, when he was a freshman at the University of Texas at Austin.
第一次是在 2008 年，当时他还是德克萨斯大学奥斯汀分校的新生。
It lasted about a week.
持续了大约一周。
Where I thought that I was President Barack Obama.
我以为我是巴拉克·奥巴马总统。
That I was either a lookalike or someone that could be used as a replacement.
我要么是一个长得像的人，要么是一个可以替代的人。
But it's not so much like--
但它并不那么像——
I should tell you that you're a light-skinned black man with short hair.
我应该告诉你，你是一个浅肤色、短发的黑人。
You look nothing like President Barack Obama.
你看起来一点也不像巴拉克·奥巴马总统。
Yeah.
是的。
So-- Ira Glass The next summer, it happened again.
所以——艾拉·格拉斯 第二年夏天，这样的事又发生了。
And it was more of a biblical-type deal this time, Alan says, a delusion with demons in disguise, and he was on the verge of being sent to hell.
艾伦说，这一次更像是一场圣经式的交易，是恶魔伪装的错觉，而他正处于被送入地狱的边缘。
Alan was briefly hospitalized, diagnosed as possible bipolar and put on anti-psychotic medications for a while.
艾伦短暂住院，被诊断为可能患有双相情感障碍，并服用了一段时间的抗精神病药物。
And he recovered.
他康复了。
Six years passed without another incident.
六年过去了，没有再发生任何事件。
But that night, on the PS4 with his friends on FaceTime, it was all kicking in again.
但那天晚上，当他在 PS4 上与朋友们通过 FaceTime 通话时，这一切又开始了。
And what are your friends seeing?
你的朋友们看到了什么？
Do they know you're going through this freak-out?
他们知道你正在经历这种疯狂的事情吗？
They start asking, Alan, what's wrong?
他们开始问，艾伦，怎么了？
They had realized that I was acting strange.
他们意识到我的行为很奇怪。
Like, why can't he log on to the computer?
例如，为什么他无法登录计算机？
Why can't he log on to the PS4 or whatever?
为什么他无法登录 PS4 或其他什么设备？
Why can't he do that?
为什么他不能这样做？
Yeah.
是的。
I was like, no. I shouldn't do it, because if I do, they'll triangulate on my position.
我当时想，不。我不应该这样做，因为如果我这样做，他们就会对我的立场进行三角测量。
But you didn't say that to your friends?
但你没有对你的朋友说过吗？
I couldn't tell it to them because I didn't know who exactly they were.
我无法告诉他们，因为我不知道他们到底是谁。
So he gets off the FaceTime call.
于是他挂断了 FaceTime 通话。
It's now 13 hours before the shooting.
现在距枪击事件还有 13 个小时。
And I was like, who can I trust?
我当时想，我可以相信谁？
Well, obviously, you trust your brother, your unit, right?
嗯，显然，你信任你的兄弟，你的单位，对吧？
So he's my little brother, Dominique.
所以他是我的弟弟，多米尼克。
And I call him and I tell him, "hey, man, I'm having a panic attack.
我打电话给他，告诉他：“嘿，伙计，我惊恐发作了。
I'm having a panic attack.
我惊恐发作了。
And I don't know what to do.
我不知道该怎么办。
And I think it's getting worse than that."
我认为情况正在变得更糟。”
So he called me at 10:00 PM.
于是他在晚上 10:00 给我打电话。
I had just got back from class.
我刚下课回来。
Dominique says, actually, there's a fair amount of "how was your day" kind of small talk with Alan taking these weird, deep, deep breaths before Alan actually admitted he was having a panic attack.
多米尼克说，实际上，在艾伦承认自己惊恐发作之前，他和艾伦进行了很多“今天过得怎么样”的闲聊，并进行了奇怪的深呼吸。
And I was like, "oh, OK." Well, I get anxious kind of often, too.
我当时想，“哦，好吧。”嗯，我也经常感到焦虑。
So I walked him through some just relaxation exercises.
所以我带他做了一些放松练习。
So I was like, take a deep breath-- in, out.
所以我就像，深吸一口气——吸气，呼气。
Lie on your back.
仰卧。
Put some water on your face.
在脸上放一些水。
And he was like, "oh, OK.
他说：“哦，好吧。
Well, put some cold water on your face.
好吧，在脸上敷点冷水。
Cold water on your face." And I was like, "what?" And I'm like-- I actually go to say-- I'm, like, "is it because I'm overheating?"
冷水泼你的脸。”我当时想，“什么？”我想——我实际上想说——我想，“是因为我过热吗？”
Right.
正确的。
And he might also know that.
他可能也知道这一点。
And he knows what I need to do in order for my circuits to calm down.
他知道我需要做什么才能让我的电路平静下来。
[SIGH]
[叹息]
Ira Glass It continues like this.
Ira Glass 就这样继续下去。
The part of Alan's brain that looks at the world and draws conclusions about what he sees doesn't stop doing that.
艾伦大脑中观察世界并根据所见得出结论的部分并没有停止这样做。
It's like he's still in there, thinking and applying logic.
就好像他还在那里思考和运用逻辑。
It just keeps arriving at the wrong answers.
它只是不断得出错误的答案。
So innocent statements said to him, like "I don't know anybody in Houston who can come over to your apartment," Alan inserts into the delusion.
艾伦对他说了一些无辜的话，比如“我不认识休斯顿的任何人可以到你的公寓来”，艾伦陷入了这种错觉。
I took that as code.
我把它当作代码。
There's no agents in your area that could come to your assistance.
您所在地区没有可以为您提供帮助的代理。
Then I'm thinking, like, well, wait a minute.
然后我想，好吧，等一下。
Like, what if-- what if he's not really my brother?
就像，如果——如果他不是我真正的兄弟怎么办？
It could be some sort of trap.
这可能是某种陷阱。
Alan hangs up on his brother.
艾伦挂断了他哥哥的电话。
Dominique gets their dad to reach out.
多米尼克让他们的父亲伸出援手。
Here he is.
他在这里。
So I call him, and I try to calm him through it on the phone to try to relax him.
所以我给他打电话，我试图通过电话让他平静下来，让他放松。
This is Alan's dad, Dr. Harold Pean.
这是艾伦的父亲哈罗德·皮恩博士。
He's originally from Haiti, hence the accent.
他来自海地，因此有口音。
I ask him, "Alan, how you doing?
我问他：“艾伦，你好吗？
You're having some problem, they're telling me," and try to relax him to get his mind off.
他们告诉我，你遇到了一些问题。”并尝试让他放松，让他放开思绪。
But he was very anxious.
但他却很着急。
He was not able to focus, to control it.
他无法集中注意力，无法控制它。
And then suddenly, he say, "well, I think I'm going to just go drive to the hospital or something."
然后突然，他说：“好吧，我想我要开车去医院什么的。”
Alan doesn't tell his dad or his brother that he's having delusions.
艾伦没有告诉他的父亲或兄弟他有妄想症。
He doesn't say what he's really thinking, which is that he's in greater and greater danger if he stays at his apartment, that there are snipers outside watching the front of the building, that if he walks out his front door he'll get shot, and they're moving in.
他没有说出他真正的想法，那就是如果他留在自己的公寓里，他会面临越来越大的危险，外面有狙击手在监视大楼的前面，如果他走出前门，他就会被枪杀，而他们正在搬进来。
I thought at that point that time elapsed too long and that they're closing in on my position, and they're going to be there any moment.
我当时想，时间已经过去太久了，他们正在逼近我的位置，而且随时都会出现。
So I'm talking with my dad, and I call him Pop.
所以我正在和我爸爸说话，我叫他爸爸。
So I'm like, Pop-- and then the following word in my mind was pop, which made me believe that the phone was going to explode, right?
所以我想，Pop——然后我脑海中的下一个词是pop，这让我相信手机会爆炸，对吧？
And then I run out, throw my phone into the toilet, and run out into the balcony and close the balcony door behind me.
然后我跑出去，把手机扔进厕所，跑到阳台上，关上身后的阳台门。
So I'm on the balcony.
所以我在阳台上。
It's the third-story balcony.
这是三楼的阳台。
And I'm like, OK, well, just remember your training.
我想，好吧，记住你的训练就可以了。
And I start to climb over on the other side and essentially let go and catch myself again on the second balcony area.
我开始爬到另一边，基本上放手，然后在第二个阳台区域再次抓住自己。
And--
还有——
I'm just trying to picture this.
我只是想想象一下这个。
So you're in a suburban apartment complex.
所以你在郊区的公寓大楼里。
You're on the third floor.
你在三楼。
You're on a balcony.
你在阳台上。
You're holding on to it.
你正坚持着它。
You let go.
你放手吧。
And you're able to drop one floor down and catch--
你可以从一层楼下来然后抓住——
Catch myself.
抓住我自己。
Ira Glass And not break your arms?
艾拉·格拉斯 不打断你的手臂吗？
Nothing happened.
什么也没发生。
Yeah.
是的。
All my muscles must have been-- you're like high.
我所有的肌肉一定是——你就像嗨了。
You're just-- adrenaline pumping.
你只是——肾上腺素激增。
That's what I'm trying to say, like an adrenaline high, and it's just--
这就是我想说的，就像肾上腺素飙升一样，只是——
OK, then?
好吧，那么？
Alan Pean So then after that, I catch myself on the second story.
艾伦·皮恩（Alan Pean） 那么在那之后，我开始关注第二个故事。
And I look down.
我往下看。
And I keep telling myself, just remember your training.
我不断告诉自己，记住你的训练。
You trained for this.
你为此受过训练。
What, my football training?
什么，我的足球训练？
No, I don't know.
不，我不知道。
I never trained for anything.
我从来没有训练过任何东西。
So I'm just here, like, remember your training.
所以我就在这里，记住你的训练。
You know, so--
你知道，所以——
Yeah.
是的。
Alan Pean And I look down, and there's these two AC units down there.
艾伦·皮恩（Alan Pean）：我往下看，下面有两台空调机组。
And I basically, from the second story to the AC units, I do a parkour stunt, like jump off of it and then jump onto the sidewalk.
基本上，从第二层到空调单元，我都会做跑酷特技，比如从上面跳下来，然后跳到人行道上。
And I start running.
我开始跑步。
OK, I know it's a cliche, but the mind, it is powerful.
好吧，我知道这是陈词滥调，但头脑，它是强大的。
By the way, this story about jumping down the balcony seems to be completely true.
顺便说一下，这个跳下阳台的故事似乎完全是真的。
We checked with the property manager of the building.
我们向该大楼的物业经理进行了核实。
And for a bunch of reasons that I won't bore you with here, the way Alan's apartment was locked, the only way he could have gotten out was off the balcony.
由于一系列原因，我不会在这里让你感到厌烦，艾伦的公寓被锁着，他唯一能出去的方法就是从阳台上出去。
So after Alan action-heroes his way down the balcony, he makes his way to his car-- not a direct path, of course.
因此，在艾伦以动作英雄的方式走下阳台后，他走向了自己的汽车——当然，不是一条直路。
Too dangerous.
太危险了。
Evasive maneuvers, under cover of night.
在夜色掩护下进行规避动作。
He believes that he called in a drone strike using Google Maps, and any second the whole apartment complex is going to be blown up.
他相信，他使用谷歌地图呼叫了无人机袭击，整个公寓大楼随时都会被炸毁。
So he's racing against the clock.
所以他正在与时间赛跑。
And it's interesting.
这很有趣。
I didn't know what I thought a delusion would be like.
我不知道我以为的妄想会是什么样子。
I thought it might be like a hallucination or something.
我想这可能是幻觉什么的。
It might make no sense when you look at it later.
以后再看的时候可能就没啥意义了。
But in this case, it's a totally logical story with consistent details, like a movie or a video game.
但在这种情况下，这是一个完全合乎逻辑的故事，具有一致的细节，就像电影或电子游戏一样。
I'm kind of jogging, running.
我有点慢跑、跑步。
Ira Glass And you're full-on delusion?
艾拉·格拉斯（Ira Glass）：你完全是在妄想吗？
You're not ever coming to--
你永远不会来——
Yeah.
是的。
At this point, I do believe I'm a bionic person.
在这一点上，我确实相信我是一个仿生人。
I'm a cyborg.
我是一个赛博格。
I'm a secret agent on a mission to break himself out from behind enemy lines.
我是一名特工，肩负着冲出敌后的使命。
So I get in my car, and I basically peel out.
所以我上了车，然后基本上就下车了。
And I get to the gate.
我到了门口。
Apartment complex.
公寓大楼。
And I'm like, why isn't the gate opening?
我就想，为什么门不开呢？
They locked it.
他们把它锁上了。
They locked it, of course.
当然，他们锁了它。
You know, so I just rammed the gate open.
你知道，所以我直接把门撞开。
That's right.
这是正确的。
Boom, it opens.
轰隆一声，打开了。
Get out.
出去。
Take a left, and there I am.
向左转，我就在那里。
I'm driving.
我正在开车。
I'm driving, and I'm having these thoughts, like, that place is about to explode.
我一边开车，一边有这样的想法，比如，那个地方快要爆炸了。
However, as I'm driving, I tell myself, you were supposed to go somewhere before.
然而，当我开车的时候，我告诉自己，你之前就应该去某个地方。
Where's the rendezvous point?
集合点在哪里？
And it's at the hospital.
而且是在医院。
It's at the hospital that you're supposed to go to.
你应该去的地方是医院。
That's where the good guys are.
这就是好人所在的地方。
But then he has a moment.
但后来他有一个时刻。
He remembered, he and his dad had talked about going to the hospital for a different reason.
他记得，他和父亲曾讨论过去医院的原因不同。
I had a moment of clarity.
我有一瞬间的清醒。
I need my medication.
我需要我的药物。
I need that.
我需要那个。
It's like-- it's Geodon.
这就像——这是 Geodon。
It's an anti-psychotic.
这是一种抗精神病药。
Then the delusion kicks back in.
然后妄想又回来了。
So he's driving, looking for a hospital.
于是他开车去找医院。
Remember, he's just moved to town that month.
请记住，他那个月刚刚搬到城里。
And he sees St. Joseph Medical Center, Houston's oldest hospital, and the only one downtown.
他还看到了圣约瑟夫医疗中心，这是休斯顿最古老的医院，也是市中心唯一的一家医院。
It's like I just lost control of the car.
就像我刚刚失去了对汽车的控制一样。
I don't really remember-- for me, it was like I was in the car, and the next thing I know, the car has crashed, and I'm falling out.
我不太记得了——对我来说，就像我在车里一样，接下来我知道的是，车撞坏了，我摔了出去。
That's it?
就是这样？
That's all you remember of the accident?
这就是你对那次事故的全部记忆吗？
Yeah.
是的。
Ira Glass How badly damaged was your car?
Ira Glass 您的汽车受损程度如何？
The car was totaled.
车子报废了。
Ira Glass The car was totaled?
艾拉·格拉斯 这辆车被毁了？
Totaled.
总计。
Ira Glass You just rammed into--
艾拉·格拉斯 你刚刚撞上了——
The side of a wall.
墙的一侧。
Ira Glass He had actually hit a bunch of cars before he slammed into the side of the hospital at high speed.
艾拉·格拉斯（Ira Glass）：他实际上已经撞到了一堆汽车，然后才高速撞到了医院的一侧。
The front of the car caved in, airbags inflated.
车头塌陷，安全气囊充气。
Even in his psychotic state, Alan wore a seat belt.
即使在精神病状态下，艾伦也系着安全带。
I mean, I'm religious.
我的意思是，我有宗教信仰。
I thank God that I didn't hurt anyone else there.
我感谢上帝，我没有伤害那里的其他人。
I thank God that people there just miraculously did not get hit at all.
我感谢上帝，那里的人们奇迹般地没有受到袭击。
So you get out of the car.
所以你下了车。
You walk to the hospital, which is how far from you?
你步行去医院，医院离你有多远？
10 feet.
10 英尺。
I'm at the hospital.
我在医院。
I crashed into the hospital.
我撞进了医院。
And there's an EMT guy right there.
那里有一名急救人员。
The EMT sees that Alan just crashed his car and probably needs medical attention.
急救人员发现艾伦刚刚撞坏了车，可能需要医疗护理。
They put Alan on a stretcher, take him into the ER.
他们将艾伦放在担架上，送他进急诊室。
This is where this turns from one kind of story, a story of Alan losing control of his mind, to the other story we're telling here, of how you can show up in an emergency room needing psychiatric help and end up shot by the police in the hospital.
这就是从一种故事，艾伦失去理智的故事，转向我们在这里讲述的另一种故事，即你如何出现在需要精神科帮助的急诊室，最终在医院被警察枪杀的故事。
And from this point in the story, for the 11 hours before the shooting, we don't have to rely on Alan's recollection.
而从故事的这一点开始，拍摄前的11个小时，我们就不必依赖艾伦的回忆了。
There's documentation of what he looked like from the outside to people who were not in his head, people who did not think that he was a robot cyborg on a secret mission.
有文件记录了他的外表，那些不在他脑海中的人，那些不认为他是执行秘密任务的机器人的人。
We have Alan's medical records.
我们有艾伦的病历。
He gave permission for the hospital to turn them over.
他允许医院将他们移交。
And there's a 50-page report, prepared by federal investigators, of what happened from the time Alan arrived at the hospital until he was shot.
还有一份由联邦调查人员准备的 50 页报告，讲述了从艾伦到达医院到他被枪杀期间发生的事情。
Alan gets to the emergency room at 10 minutes before midnight.
艾伦在午夜前 10 分钟到达急诊室。
And St. Joseph is a big downtown hospital.
圣约瑟夫是市中心的一家大型医院。
It gets lots of trauma patients, lots of mentally ill patients, some homeless people.
这里有很多创伤患者、精神病患者，还有一些无家可归的人。
Staff often have to quickly assess what a patient needs to be treated for.
工作人员通常必须快速评估患者需要接受什么治疗。
And even though the staff notices all kinds of things that might lead them to treat Alan for his psychiatric problem, they don't do it.
尽管工作人员注意到各种可能导致他们治疗艾伦精神问题的事情，但他们并没有这样做。
What they treat Alan for is the car crash, which must have seemed pretty urgent.
他们治疗艾伦的原因是车祸，这看起来一定很紧急。
The diagnosis in his medical chart is hand abrasion, substance abuse, motor vehicle accident.
他的病历中的诊断是手部擦伤、药物滥用、机动车事故。
They do a CT scan of his head, spine, chest, abdomen, and pelvis, looking for injuries.
他们对他的头部、脊柱、胸部、腹部和骨盆进行 CT 扫描，寻找受伤情况。
They test him for drugs and alcohol.
他们对他进行了药物和酒精测试。
Those come up negative, except for marijuana, which can linger in the body for weeks.
这些结果都是阴性，但大麻除外，大麻可以在体内停留数周。
Alan says that he tried to tell the ER staff what it is that he came for, that he was having a manic episode.
艾伦说，他试图告诉急诊室工作人员他来的目的是什么，他正在经历躁狂发作。
It's like I snapped back into myself.
就像我突然恢复了自我。
I just say, "I'm manic, I'm manic, I'm manic." And I say it multiple times.
我只是说：“我很躁狂，我很躁狂，我很躁狂。”我说过很多次了。
And I'm saying that.
我就是这么说的。
And there's people around me.
而且我周围还有人。
There's nurses and stuff who are putting needles and things into me.
有护士之类的人正在给我注射针头之类的东西。
And it never clicked.
但它从来没有点击过。
There's no mention of that in his medical records.
他的医疗记录中没有提及这一点。
And there's no mention of phone calls that his brother Christian and his father say they made at 1:00 AM and 1:14 AM, respectively, to alert the hospital about Alan's psychiatric issues-- though that's not unusual that phone calls like that wouldn't be mentioned in the chart.
而且没有提及他的兄弟克里斯蒂安和他的父亲说他们分别在凌晨 1:00 和凌晨 1:14 拨打的电话，以提醒医院有关艾伦的精神问题 - 尽管图表中没有提及此类电话并不罕见。
But the medical records do include all kinds of things that could have tipped the staff off about what was really wrong.
但医疗记录确实包含了各种各样的信息，这些信息可能会让工作人员发现真正的问题所在。
On Alan's arrival at the ER, the first handwritten notes from a resident on duty include that Alan is someone who has manic depression.
艾伦到达急诊室后，值班住院医生的第一张手写便条表明艾伦患有躁狂抑郁症。
Then Alan is so incoherent, making so little sense, that the attending physician notes in the chart that he can't get Alan to describe his medical history or even a basic rundown of his symptoms.
然后艾伦语无伦次，毫无意义，主治医生在图表中指出，他无法让艾伦描述他的病史，甚至无法描述他的症状的基本概要。
By 1:30 in the morning, the nurses' notes say that Alan is acting weirdly, trying to pull out his IVs and his lines.
凌晨 1 点 30 分，护士记录显示艾伦表现得很奇怪，试图拔出静脉注射器和导管。
They, quote, "educate him on his behavior and ask him not to remove any equipment."
他们引用“对他的行为进行教育，并要求他不要移除任何设备。”
He doesn't stop.
他没有停下来。
He tries to pull out his own catheter.
他试图拔出自己的导管。
This continues for hours.
这持续了几个小时。
He starts telling the staff that he feels all better, no need for any equipment.
他开始告诉工作人员他感觉好多了，不需要任何设备。
But they still don't treat him like a psychiatric case.
但他们仍然没有把他当作精神病患者来对待。
Alan and his family told me, their sense of the staff's attitude was, this is just a guy, drunk or on drugs, crashed his car.
艾伦和他的家人告诉我，他们对工作人员态度的感觉是，这只是一个醉酒或吸毒的人，把他的车撞坏了。
Happens all the time.
一直在发生。
Alan's put into a hospital room for observation of his injuries.
艾伦被送进病房观察伤势。
His father booked a plane to Houston from their home in McAllen, Texas.
他的父亲预订了从德克萨斯州麦卡伦家飞往休斯敦的航班。
We decide to fly right away, yeah, 6:45.
我们决定立即起飞，是的，6:45。
We went to Houston at 6:45 in the morning.
我们早上6点45分就到了休斯敦。
Dr. Pean and his wife, Paloma, get to Alan's hospital room around 10:00 AM.
Pean 医生和他的妻子 Paloma 于上午 10:00 左右到达艾伦的病房。
Well, I say, "Alan, we are here.
好吧，我说：“艾伦，我们到了。
You know, we've come to see you." He say, "hi, Pop." But he would not-- I say, "how you doing?" He would not tell me anything.
你知道吗，我们是来看你的。”他说：“嗨，爸爸。”但他不会——我说，“你怎么样？”他什么也不肯告诉我。
And he was different than usual.
而且他和平时不一样。
So I say, well, that's not him.
所以我说，好吧，那不是他。
He's totally withdrawn.
他完全孤僻了。
Didn't hug them hello.
没有拥抱他们打招呼。
Alan explains why.
艾伦解释了原因。
I do recall my parents showing up.
我确实记得我的父母出现过。
And I don't actually believe it's them.
我实际上并不相信是他们。
I don't think it's them.
我不认为是他们。
In Alan's mind, he's still on his mission, which is evolving.
在艾伦看来，他仍在履行自己的使命，而且使命还在不断发展。
The TV in his room is sending coded messages.
他房间里的电视正在发送编码信息。
And the IV tubes he's hooked up to?
还有他连接的静脉输液管？
They're putting the serum that I needed in order for the morphing process to begin, to morph, to look more like Barack Obama.
他们给我注射了所需的血清，以便开始变形过程，让我看起来更像巴拉克·奥巴马。
Because if he is taken out, they don't know where he is.
因为如果他被带出去，他们就不知道他在哪里。
But they need someone to speak out as though the government is still functioning as normal.
但他们需要有人发声，就像政府仍在正常运作一样。
Now his dad knows none of that.
现在他的父亲对此一无所知。
All he knows is something is wrong.
他只知道出了什么问题。
He goes to the nurses' station.
他去了护士站。
So I talk with the nurse, and I told them, look, I think he's having some kind of anxiety or panic, and I wanted to talk with the doctor.
所以我和护士交谈，我告诉他们，看，我认为他有某种焦虑或恐慌，我想和医生谈谈。
And I say to her that I think he may need some kind of psychiatric help.
我对她说，我认为他可能需要某种精神科的帮助。
Did you say, I want a psychiatric evaluation?
你是说，我想要进行精神评估吗？
That's right.
这是正确的。
I told her, I think he needs to be evaluated by a psychiatrist.
我告诉她，我认为他需要接受精神科医生的评估。
And what did the nurse say?
护士说什么？
Dr. Harold Pean Oh, she just didn't pay attention to me.
哈罗德·皮恩博士哦，她只是没有注意我。
She said he's going to be discharged.
她说他要出院了。
That's all she said.
她就是这么说的。
According to the report by federal investigators, the nurse confirmed he did ask for a psychiatric evaluation, and she did tell him Alan was going to be discharged.
根据联邦调查人员的报告，护士证实他确实要求进行精神评估，并且她确实告诉他艾伦即将出院。
And I asked what medication they were giving him.
我问他们给他吃什么药。
They said they were giving him cyclobenzaprine.
他们说他们正在给他服用环苯扎林。
And I told her, well, I don't think that's appropriate.
我告诉她，好吧，我认为这不合适。
Maybe that will make it worse.
也许这会让情况变得更糟。
What was your fear that it would do to Alan?
你担心这会对艾伦产生什么影响？
That's a muscle relaxant.
那是一种肌肉松弛剂。
But some people, it may cause psychosis, actually, because that's part of the side-effect-- confusion, dizziness, psychosis.
但实际上，有些人可能会导致精神病，因为这是副作用的一部分——意识混乱、头晕、精神病。
I think it would probably make him more disoriented, confused.
我认为这可能会让他更加迷失方向，更加困惑。
But she said, well, that's what the doctor prescribed.
但她说，好吧，医生就是这么规定的。
Yeah.
是的。
I told the nurse that I'm a physician from McAllen, internal medicine.
我告诉护士我是来自麦卡伦的内科医师。
But she just didn't pay attention.
但她只是没有注意。
She thought maybe I was lying.
她认为也许我在撒谎。
I don't know what was in her head.
我不知道她脑子里在想什么。
He said the nurse said to him-- maybe hearing his accent-- you might be a doctor somewhere, but you're not a doctor here.
他说护士对他说——也许是听到他的口音——你可能是某个地方的医生，但你不是这里的医生。
So Dr. Pean and his wife figured, OK, no help here.
所以皮恩博士和他的妻子想，好吧，这里没有帮助。
They would drive Alan back home to McAllen and get psychiatric help there.
他们会开车送艾伦回到麦卡伦的家，并在那里接受精神科帮助。
They left to arrange for a car rental.
他们离开去安排汽车租赁。
The doctor did come looking for them, according to federal investigators, but they'd already left.
据联邦调查人员称，医生确实来找过他们，但他们已经离开了。
Alan gets shot in his own hospital room less than 40 minutes after they go.
他们离开后不到 40 分钟，艾伦在自己的病房里被枪杀。
Here's how that goes down.
事情是这样的。
I'm going to read you a little bit from the 50-page report issued by federal investigators.
我将向您解读联邦调查人员发布的 50 页报告中的一些内容。
Quote, "At 11 o'clock, the patient was encouraged to put on his gown after he had a shower, but refused and started dancing in his room.
引述：“11点钟，患者洗完澡后被鼓励穿上病号服，但他拒绝了，并开始在自己的房间里跳舞。
The patient came out of his room naked four to five times.
病人赤身裸体走出房间四到五次。
The nurse stated at this time, the patient was calmly responsive.
护士表示，此时患者反应平静。
She stated each time she redirected him, he would say, yes, ma'am.
她说，每次她重新引导他时，他都会说，是的，女士。
Radio.
收音机。
OK, ma'am.
好的，女士。
When asked what year it was, he said, 1989.
当被问及今年是哪一年时，他说，1989年。
Some time later, the patient came out in the hallway naked, except he had shoes on.
一段时间后，病人赤身裸体地出现在走廊上，只是还穿着鞋子。
He was told to go back to his room, and the nurse would come in to assist him with his gown.
他被告知要回到自己的房间，护士会进来帮他穿礼服。
She stated she went to the room with another nurse and was trying to help the patient into his gown.
她说她和另一名护士一起去了房间，试图帮助病人穿上礼服。
They told him to turn around so they could tie the gown.
他们让他转过身来系好礼服。
The patient started to dance and would not comply.
病人开始跳舞，但不肯服从。
The nurse said the patient was acting inappropriately.
护士称患者行为不当。
She said he would not comply with her orders to turn around so his gown could be buttoned up."
她说他不会遵守她的命令，转身扣好礼服的扣子。”
Do you remember why you were going out into the hallway naked?
你还记得你为什么赤身裸体走进走廊吗？
I don't remember-- I don't recall dancing, but I do know that I was going out there because whenever I finished taking my showers, well, where's the suit?
我不记得了——我不记得跳舞了，但我确实知道我要去那里，因为每当我洗完澡时，好吧，套装在哪里？
Remember, he's morphing into Barack Obama.
请记住，他正在变成巴拉克·奥巴马。
He's about to address the nation.
他即将向全国发表讲话。
You need a suit for that kind of thing.
你需要一套西装来做这种事情。
In the hallway--
走廊里——
I'd expect other people to be there that would help me with the changing process, just to look professional or to hand me my script.
我希望其他人能够帮助我完成改变的过程，只是为了看起来很专业或者把我的剧本交给我。
If the patient doesn't comply with orders, it's protocol in the hospital to ring for security.
如果病人不遵守命令，医院按照规定按铃寻求保安。
And the nurse does that.
护士就是这么做的。
Now at this particular hospital, calling security usually gets you uniformed guards who don't carry weapons, but also might get you off-duty cops who are on the security team.
现在在这家特殊的医院，打电话给保安通常会找到不携带武器的穿制服的警卫，但也可能会找到保安小组中下班的警察。
It depends on who's available.
这取决于谁有空。
This time, it's the cops who arrive, in full Houston Police Department uniforms with guns.
这一次，警察来了，他们穿着休斯顿警察局的全套制服，拿着枪。
They go into his room and close the door.
他们走进他的房间并关上门。
This, by the way, is not standard hospital procedure, I was told.
顺便说一句，有人告诉我，这不是标准的医院程序。
A nurse, a doctor, somebody treating the patient, should have been in there with them.
护士、医生、治疗病人的人应该和他们在一起。
Now at this point, once the cops are inside that room, the story gets a little hazy.
现在，一旦警察进入那个房间，故事就变得有点模糊。
It's not totally clear what happened inside the room.
目前尚不清楚房间内发生了什么。
Police turned down our interview request.
警察拒绝了我们的采访请求。
And Alan's lawyers told him not to talk about the details either because the whole thing is going to court.
艾伦的律师告诉他也不要谈论细节，因为整个事情都会上法庭。
But there are some things we know for sure.
但有些事情我们确实知道。
We know the cops were not in that room for long, a few minutes at most.
我们知道警察在那个房间里呆的时间不长，最多几分钟。
We know there was a scuffle.
我们知道发生了扭打。
Several people told investigators that.
有几个人告诉调查人员。
And the staffer I interviewed, whose voice we're replacing with an actor's, said you could hear it from outside Alan's hospital room.
我采访的工作人员（我们用演员的声音代替了他的声音）说你可以从艾伦的病房外面听到。
We heard noise.
我们听到噪音。
And we couldn't identify exactly what it was.
我们无法准确识别它是什么。
We didn't know if it was maybe a table hitting a wall.
我们不知道是否是桌子撞到了墙。
it was just like a pop and all kinds of stuff.
就像流行音乐和各种各样的东西一样。
One nurse told investigators she heard a scream.
一名护士告诉调查人员，她听到一声尖叫。
On the day of the shooting in August, the Houston Police Department issued a brief statement about what happened next.
八月枪击事件发生当天，休斯敦警察局就接下来发生的事情发表了一份简短声明。
It's still on their website.
它仍然在他们的网站上。
It says, when the officers arrived, Alan attacked.
据称，当警察到达时，艾伦发起了袭击。
Quote, "The patient suddenly physically assaulted Officer Ortega, striking him in the head, causing a laceration.
引用：“病人突然对奥尔特加警官进行身体攻击，击打他的头部，造成撕裂伤。
At that time, Officer Law deployed his conducted energy device--" that's the taser-- "which had no apparent effect on the suspect who continued to assault the officers.
当时，劳警官部署了他的传导能量装置——“那就是泰瑟枪——”这对继续袭击警官的嫌疑人没有明显影响。
Officer Ortega, fearing for his and his partner's safety, then discharged his duty weapon, striking the subject one time."
奥尔特加警官担心他和他搭档的安全，然后使用了他的执勤武器，击中了目标一次。”
Alan disputes this account.
艾伦对这个说法提出异议。
He and his lawyers say he did not attack the officers first but they charged him first, and he responded.
他和他的律师表示，他并没有首先攻击警察，而是他们先指控了他，他做出了回应。
Soon the door to his hospital room opened.
很快，他的病房门就打开了。
That, by the way, is when the hospital staffer who I interviewed arrived in the hallway outside Alan's room.
顺便说一句，就在那时，我采访的医院工作人员来到了艾伦房间外的走廊。
Again, we've replaced the staffer's voice with an actor saying the same words and-- I hope this isn't weird-- you're hearing my original questions from the recording of the original interview mixed with the actor's voice.
再次，我们用演员说同样的话替换了工作人员的声音，并且 - 我希望这并不奇怪 - 你会听到我从原始采访录音中与演员的声音混合的原始问题。
Apparently, they had probably just opened it.
显然，他们可能刚刚打开它。
And the first thing I seen was a cop fall out of the room on the floor.
我看到的第一件事是一名警察从房间里摔倒在地板上。
So you're out in the hallway.
所以你在外面的走廊里。
Scott Shepherd Correct.
斯科特·谢泼德 正确。
Well, I didn't go that close to the room because when you see a cop with a bloody eye on the floor, that states, stay where you are.
好吧，我没有走得离房间那么近，因为当你看到地板上有一个眼睛流血的警察时，那就说明，呆在原地。
Don't go any closer.
别再靠近了。
He was bleeding from his eye?
他的眼睛流血了？
Scott Shepherd His head.
斯科特·谢泼德 他的头。
Like right above his right eye.
就像他右眼的正上方。
We weren't sure if it was the eye or the head.
我们不确定是眼睛还是头部。
It was just this huge, red, fresh gash.
就是这个巨大的、红色的、新鲜的伤口。
It was big.
它很大。
This is from the account by the federal investigators.
这是来自联邦调查人员的叙述。
Quote, "Inside the room, the other officer was standing over the patient, who was lying on the floor.
引用：“在房间内，另一名警官站在躺在地板上的病人旁边。
He had a taser on his upper chest.
他的上胸部有一把泰瑟枪。
There was blood on the wall and floor.
墙上和地板上都有血迹。
The patient was conscious, trying to get up, saying he was Super-Man and needed to get up.
病人意识清醒，试图站起来，说自己是超人，需要站起来。
The doctor who rushed into the room and treated him told investigators--" again, I'm quoting the federal report here, quote-- "he heard a Code Blue page overhead while he was walking upstairs.
冲进房间治疗他的医生告诉调查人员——“再次，我在这里引用联邦报告，引用——”他在上楼时听到头顶传来蓝色代码页面的声音。
He realized it was his patient's room and went to the floor.
他意识到这是他的病人的房间，然后走到地板上。
He went to the patient's room and saw him lying on the floor on his back with a drape over him.
他来到病人的房间，看到病人仰面躺在地板上，身上盖着一块布。
The patient was quiet.
病人很安静。
His eyes were closed.
他的眼睛闭着。
The doctor says he took the drape off the patient and saw he was handcuffed.
医生说，他把病人身上的布单取下来，发现他戴着手铐。
When he asked what happened, he was told the patient was just tasered.
当他询问发生了什么事时，他被告知病人刚刚被泰瑟枪击中。
He asked if the patient was shot, because of the blood and multiple wounds.
他询问病人是否被枪杀，因为血迹斑斑，多处受伤。
The response was that the patient was tasered.
得到的答复是病人被电击枪击中。
When the doctor began to assess the patient, somebody mentioned that he was shot."
当医生开始评估病人时，有人提到他被枪杀了。”
While Alan was recovering in the Intensive Care Unit, police handcuffed him to his bed and restricted his family's visits to just 10 minutes a day, and they couldn't enter the room.
当艾伦在重症监护室康复期间，警察将他铐在床上，并限制他的家人每天只能探望10分钟，并且不能进入房间。
They had to look at him through a window.
他们不得不透过窗户看着他。
That's because police saw him as a criminal.
那是因为警察把他视为罪犯。
They charged Alan with two counts of aggravated assault, one for each officer.
他们指控艾伦犯有两项严重攻击罪，每名警官各一项。
I couldn't believe it.
我简直不敢相信。
Ira Glass Again, here's Alan.
艾拉·格拉斯（Ira Glass） 艾伦又来了。
I was expecting an apology.
我期待着道歉。
I was expecting 100% an apology.
我原以为 100% 会得到道歉。
And that is not what happened.
但事实并非如此。
And I could not believe it.
我简直不敢相信。
I couldn't believe it.
我简直不敢相信。
I don't know if you-- how is it that you have these officers who shoot an unarmed patient in the hospital, and then he is the bad guy, he's the guy who needs to go to jail?
我不知道你——为什么这些警察在医院里射杀了一名手无寸铁的病人，然后他就是坏人，他就是那个需要进监狱的人？
And it's jarring.
这很刺耳。
I just don't understand.
我只是不明白。
Later, when federal investigators asked Alan about the shooting, he said, quote, "He forgave the police officers.
后来，当联邦调查人员向艾伦询问枪击事件时，他说，“他原谅了警察。
But what he cannot understand is why police officers were in his room, when he was an ill patient trying to get well."
但他无法理解的是，当他是一个正在努力康复的病人时，为什么警察会出现在他的房间里。”
So what were armed police doing in a patient's room?
那么武警在病人房间里做什么呢？
This is something a New York Times correspondent, Elisabeth Rosenthal, has been looking into.
这是《纽约时报》记者伊丽莎白·罗森塔尔一直在调查的事情。
As I said earlier, the story that you're hearing right now is a collaboration between our radio show and The New York Times .
正如我之前所说，您现在听到的故事是我们的广播节目和《纽约时报》合作的。
And when Elisabeth Rosenthal heard about Alan Pean, she wondered how common this kind of thing was.
当伊丽莎白·罗森塔尔听说艾伦·皮恩时，她想知道这种事情有多普遍。
Elisabeth is also a doctor and has worked in hospitals, but none that allowed guns.
伊丽莎白也是一名医生，曾在医院工作过，但没有一家医院允许携带枪支。
And she just started calling hospitals and looking at the few surveys that exist on this stuff.
她开始给医院打电话，查看有关这方面的少数调查。
The one national survey on this subject found that about half of all hospitals now allow guns.
关于这一主题的一项全国调查发现，现在大约一半的医院允许携带枪支。
And the evidence suggests that that's about doubled in the past three years.
有证据表明，这一数字在过去三年中大约翻了一番。
Doubled.
翻倍了。
Lots of hospitals now have police and ex-military doing security with guns.
许多医院现在都有警察和退伍军人持枪进行保安。
Hospitals aren't required to keep records on how many of their patients are injured or killed by those guns.
医院不需要记录有多少病人被这些枪打伤或打死。
But Elisabeth looked for that as well by digging through old police blotters, court documents, news accounts, and surveys, and found over a dozen cases, most of them mentally ill patients.
但伊丽莎白也通过挖掘旧的警察记录、法庭文件、新闻报道和调查来寻找这一点，并发现了十几起案件，其中大多数是精神病患者。
First, on the very same day that Alan was shot, there was another psychiatric patient who was shot and killed at a hospital in suburban Cleveland.
首先，就在艾伦被枪杀的同一天，克利夫兰郊区的一家医院里，又有一名精神病患者被枪杀。
And then, just in January this year, there was another patient with bipolar illness who was shot and paralyzed by security in a Virginia hospital.
然后，就在今年一月，另一名患有双相情感障碍的患者在弗吉尼亚州一家医院被保安枪杀并瘫痪。
And then sometimes people die when they're shocked with tasers.
有时人们会因为被泰瑟枪电击而死亡。
So there's two cases, one in Utah and one in Ohio, where patients were actually killed after repeated tasering.
因此，有两起案件，一起在犹他州，一起在俄亥俄州，患者在反复电击后实际上被杀死。
Both were by hospital security.
两人均由医院保安负责。
Both were psychiatric patients.
两人都是精神病患者。
Of course, we all would hope that police would know how to deal with people who were mentally ill.
当然，我们都希望警察知道如何处理精神病患者。
They have to do it on the street all the time.
他们必须一直在街上做这件事。
But they don't always do it so well.
但他们并不总是做得那么好。
In December, The Washington Post published the results of a huge, yearlong investigation into police shootings nationwide.
去年 12 月，《华盛顿邮报》公布了针对全国警察枪击事件进行的为期一年的大规模调查的结果。
They found that last year, officers fatally shot at least 243 people with mental health problems.
他们发现，去年，警察枪杀了至少 243 名有心理健康问题的人。
And in most of those cases, the cops who pulled the trigger hadn't received any training in how to deal with the mentally ill.
在大多数情况下，扣动扳机的警察没有接受过任何如何处理精神病患者的培训。
And their tactics escalated the situation rather than calmed it down.
他们的策略非但没有平息局势，反而使局势升级。
So why are hospitals turning to police?
那么为什么医院要向警方求助呢？
Why have the number of guns in hospitals apparently doubled in just three years?
为什么医院里的枪支数量在短短三年内明显增加了一倍？
Well, for one thing, violence in hospitals has also nearly doubled in that same period.
一方面，同一时期医院内的暴力事件也几乎增加了一倍。
It's up 40% according to statistics gathered by the International Health Care Security and Safety Foundation.
根据国际医疗保健安全基金会收集的统计数据，这一数字增长了 40%。
Most of that violence is against hospital staff.
大部分暴力行为都是针对医院工作人员的。
A study last year by the Occupational Safety and Health Administration revealed that there is more violence in hospitals than any other workplace.
美国职业安全与健康管理局去年的一项研究显示，医院中的暴力事件比其他任何工作场所都多。
And the way hospitals have responded to this violence, Elisabeth found, is a hodgepodge.
伊丽莎白发现，医院应对这种暴力的方式是一种大杂烩。
One national survey found that half of all hospitals have tasers.
一项全国调查发现，一半的医院都有泰瑟枪。
They have them partly thanks to an aggressive marketing campaign directed at hospitals by TASER International.
他们的成功部分归功于泰瑟国际公司针对医院开展的积极营销活动。
In New York's hospital system, which has several of the busiest emergency rooms in the country, security carries no weapons.
纽约的医院系统拥有全国最繁忙的几间急诊室，保安人员没有携带武器。
And lots of hospitals, as I've said, have decided they're comfortable with guns.
正如我所说，许多医院已经决定可以接受枪支。
Someone said to me-- and I think this is true.
有人对我说——我认为这是真的。
It kind of reflects the divide in American society right now about guns, whether they make you feel safer or not.
这在某种程度上反映了美国社会目前对枪支的分歧，无论它们是否让你感到更安全。
Right.
正确的。
And that just varies around the country, depending on--
这只是在全国各地有所不同，具体取决于——
That varies a lot by your background, where you live in the country.
这因你的背景、你居住在这个国家的地方而有很大差异。
Do you feel safer when you see a person with a gun at the door of the emergency room?
当你在急诊室门口看到一个拿着枪的人时，你会感到更安全吗？
I think the second issue, then, is if you decide you need weapons in your emergency room or in your hospital, how are the people trained who are using them?
我认为第二个问题是，如果您决定在急诊室或医院需要武器，那么使用这些武器的人员是如何接受培训的？
This may actually be a bigger issue than the guns themselves.
这实际上可能是比枪支本身更大的问题。
Have the people carrying the guns been trained to work in a health care setting?
持枪人员是否接受过在医疗机构工作的培训？
Because it's different.
因为它不同。
It's not like law enforcement.
这不像执法部门。
When there's a patient who's psychotic or acting up from mental illness, like Alan Pean, there are standard techniques that nurses and hospital security use to get control of the situation, non-confrontational ways of speaking to patients, restraints, medicines.
当有像艾伦·皮恩这样的精神病患者或因精神疾病而表现出行为异常时，护士和医院保安会使用标准技术来控制局势、与患者交谈的非对抗性方式、约束和药物。
Simply warning a patient that you're going to give them a shot can calm them down.
只需警告患者您要给他们注射一针即可让他们平静下来。
And in her research, Elisabeth found some hospitals that taught these techniques to the security officers when they brought in tasers or guns and set clear rules about when to deploy weapons and how armed security would interact with staff and patients.
在她的研究中，伊丽莎白发现一些医院在保安人员携带泰瑟枪或枪支时向他们教授这些技术，并就何时部署武器以及武装保安如何与工作人员和患者互动制定明确的规则。
But that definitely wasn't every place.
但这绝对不是每个地方。
I mean, that's the thing that shocked me.
我的意思是，这就是让我震惊的事情。
As I called around to different hospitals, there was no pattern to this.
当我拜访不同的医院时，这没有任何规律可循。
It was all over the map.
地图上到处都是。
And sometimes there had been a lot of thought put into the process.
有时，这个过程需要经过很多思考。
And sometimes, in fact, there seemed to be very little thought.
事实上，有时似乎没有什么想法。
When it comes to Alan Pean's case in St. Joseph Medical Center, the federal investigation notes that police officers were supposed to be trained to deescalate situations and restrain confused patients.
当谈到圣约瑟夫医疗中心艾伦·皮恩的案件时，联邦调查指出，警察应该接受培训来缓和局势并约束困惑的病人。
But there's no evidence that it ever happened.
但没有证据表明它曾经发生过。
This is quoting from the federal investigation report.
这是引自联邦调查报告的内容。
Quote, "The facility failed to provide evidence that contracted police officers were trained in dealing with confused, disoriented, and aggressive patients.
引用：“该机构未能提供证据证明合同警官接受过处理困惑、迷失方向和攻击性患者的培训。
The facility failed to ensure contract police officers were trained in the use of safe, acceptable health care interventions for confused and aggressive patients.
该机构未能确保合同警官接受培训，了解如何对困惑和有攻击性的患者使用安全、可接受的医疗保健干预措施。
This resulted in the tasering, shooting, and handcuffing of a confused, aggressive patient." End quote.
这导致了一名困惑、好斗的病人遭到电击、射击和戴上手铐。”引用结束。
This is actually what was galling to the staffer that I talked to from St. Joseph Medical Center.
这实际上是令我与圣约瑟夫医疗中心的工作人员交谈的事情。
This person said that these cops were walking into a totally normal situation for the hospital that any trained staff or the regular hospital security could have handled without firearms.
这位人士表示，这些警察正在走进医院完全正常的情况，任何受过训练的工作人员或常规医院保安都可以在没有枪支的情况下处理。
That's an everyday thing for us.
这对我们来说是日常的事情。
We see that all the time.
我们一直都看到这一点。
You see it all day.
你整天都能看到它。
You see confused, demented people that can be very combative.
你会看到一些困惑、疯狂的人，他们可能非常好斗。
I mean, hospital staff, we get abused and we're put in more danger than-- or just as much danger as cops on the street.
我的意思是，医院工作人员，我们受到虐待，我们面临的危险比街上的警察更危险，或者和街上的警察一样危险。
We don't walk around with guns.
我们不会带着枪到处走。
We get hit.
我们受到打击。
We get hit by patients all the time.
我们总是被病人袭击。
As long as that person doesn't have a weapon to harm someone else, why should you have a weapon?
只要那个人没有武器去伤害别人，你为什么要拥有武器呢？
Or why should you use your weapon?
或者说你为什么要使用你的武器？
To be clear, this medical staffer thought that it was totally appropriate.
需要明确的是，这位医务人员认为这是完全合适的。
They liked it.
他们喜欢它。
It made them feel safer that a couple of cops with guns would be in the emergency room in case somebody with a weapon came into the hospital.
这让他们感到更安全，因为急救室里会有几名持枪警察，以防有人携带武器进入医院。
But sending cops to the room of somebody like Alan Pean?
但是派警察去像艾伦·皮恩这样的人的房间吗？
That's totally different.
那是完全不同的。
First of all, if someone's delusional and two cops walk into the room, it's a normal reaction for that patient that's having delusions, or that psychotic, to react violently.
首先，如果某人有妄想症并且两名警察走进房间，那么对于有妄想症的患者或精神病患者来说，剧烈反应是正常反应。
That's how they are.
他们就是这样。
That's what they do.
这就是他们所做的。
So you kind of give that space.
所以你要给这个空间。
You stay back.
你留下来。
You find out what's going on.
你就知道发生了什么事。
You try and talk to them to see if they're safe to approach or not.
您尝试与他们交谈，看看他们是否可以安全接近。
And that's what-- I'm not sure if that was done or not.
就是这样——我不确定这是否已经完成。
To paraphrase an old saying, guns in hospitals don't kill people.
套用一句老话，医院里的枪不会杀人。
Guns in hospitals wielded by people who are not trained to have guns in hospitals kill people.
未经受过在医院持枪训练的人在医院中使用枪支会杀人。
So better training of the officers in Alan Pean's case might have prevented the shooting.
因此，对艾伦·皮恩案件中的警官进行更好的培训可能会阻止枪击事件的发生。
But in this particular case, there was something else that could have stopped this from happening, something simple.
但在这个特殊情况下，还有其他一些事情可以阻止这种情况的发生，一些简单的事情。
Alan could have been given a psychiatric evaluation.
艾伦本可以接受精神评估。
Remember, the ER staff noted Alan's erratic mental state in his chart but didn't get him evaluated.
请记住，急诊室工作人员在他的图表中注意到艾伦不稳定的精神状态，但没有对他进行评估。
And Alan's father asked for a psych evaluation, but he was ignored.
而艾伦的父亲要求进行心理评估，但遭到忽视。
The St. Joseph staffer that I talked to said it's hard to understand why.
我采访过的圣约瑟夫工作人员说很难理解为什么。
I hate to say it because we never want to talk bad about anyone that we work with-- and I wasn't there, but if that was said to a medical professional, then their wishes should have been complied with immediately.
我不想这么说，因为我们从来不想说与我们一起工作的任何人的坏话——而且我当时不在场，但如果这是对医疗专业人员说的，那么他们的愿望应该立即得到满足。
That's the protocol.
这就是协议。
That's what's supposed to happen.
这就是应该发生的事情。
And is it true that if he had been diagnosed as a psych patient, he would have been in a psych ward where no guns are allowed?
如果他被诊断为精神病人，他是否真的会被关进不允许携带枪支的精神病房？
Correct.
正确的。
Ira Glass So that would've prevented this whole thing?
艾拉·格拉斯（Ira Glass）：那么这样就可以阻止这一切了？
Correct.
正确的。
Ira Glass You don't want guns in psychiatry wards for common sense reasons.
艾拉·格拉斯（Ira Glass）：出于常识原因，你不希望精神病房里有枪。
It's too dangerous.
太危险了。
You don't want a patient to grab the gun.
你不希望病人抢到枪。
And seeing firearms might agitate certain patients.
看到枪支可能会让某些患者感到不安。
Because of that, almost universally guns are banned from state mental hospitals in the United States.
正因为如此，美国的州立精神病院几乎普遍禁止携带枪支。
When officers enter those facilities, they check their guns at the door.
当警察进入这些设施时，他们会在门口检查枪支。
Possibly the one exception is Texas, where Alan was shot, where just last month on January 1, four months after Alan's shooting, it became legal to carry licensed firearms in state-run psychiatric hospitals.
可能唯一的例外是艾伦被枪杀的德克萨斯州，就在上个月的 1 月 1 日，也就是艾伦枪击事件发生四个月后，在公立精神病院携带有执照的枪支变得合法。
When the Pean family filed a complaint against the hospital with the federal government, specifically the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services, or CMS, CMS felt the shooting raised serious enough questions about St. Joseph Medical Center that they had investigators at the hospital within five days of the shooting and publicly raised the possibility that St. Joseph might lose its federal funding.
当皮恩家族向联邦政府，特别是医疗保险和医疗补助服务中心（CMS）对该医院提出投诉时，CMS 认为枪击事件对圣约瑟夫医疗中心提出了足够严重的问题，因此他们在枪击事件发生后五天内派出调查人员到医院，并公开提出圣约瑟夫可能失去联邦资助的可能性。
When the investigators interviewed St. Joseph's Chief Executive Officer Mark Bernard about the incident, he told them that he stood by the officers.
当调查人员就这一事件采访圣约瑟夫首席执行官马克·伯纳德时，他告诉他们他支持警察。
This from the report, he said, quote, that "the minute the patient hit the uniformed police officer, it became a criminal offense, and the officers went into police mode and were justified in the actions they took to protect themselves." When asked what other interventions could have been used by the security staff, the CEO said, quote, "if it should happen today, they would not have done anything different."
他援引报告称，“病人袭击穿制服的警察的那一刻，就构成刑事犯罪，警察进入警察模式，为保护自己而采取的行动是正当的。”当被问及安全人员还可以采取哪些其他干预措施时，首席执行官说，“如果今天发生这种情况，他们不会做任何不同的事情。”
I wondered if the CEO still felt that way, given the evidence in the federal report that police officers may not have been properly trained to deal with a patient like Alan Pean and that hospital staff failed to do a psychiatric evaluation.
我想知道首席执行官是否仍然有这种感觉，因为联邦报告中的证据表明，警察可能没有接受过适当的培训来处理像艾伦·皮恩这样的病人，而且医院工作人员也没有进行精神评估。
The hospital referred this and all of our questions to an outside crisis manager they work with named Rhonda Barnat.
医院将这个问题和我们所有的问题转给了与他们一起工作的外部危机经理朗达·巴纳特 (Rhonda Barnat)。
I was told that CEO Mark Bernard declined to answer that question.
我被告知首席执行官马克·伯纳德拒绝回答这个问题。
I ran CEO Mark Bernard's statement, quote, "If it should happen today, they would not have done anything different," by Alan's father.
我引用了首席执行官马克·伯纳德 (Mark Bernard) 的声明，引用了艾伦父亲的话：“如果这件事发生在今天，他们不会采取任何不同的做法。”
Remember, as a physician and familiar with hospitals and how they work, his response is that of a doctor and a father.
请记住，作为一名医生并熟悉医院及其运作方式，他的反应是医生和父亲的反应。
That's crazy.
太疯狂了。
That's totally crazy.
这太疯狂了。
Can you believe that?
你能相信吗？
So he didn't see anything wrong.
所以他并没有看出什么不对劲。
He said that was normal procedure.
他说这是正常程序。
I mean, can you believe a CEO saying that?
我的意思是，你能相信首席执行官这么说吗？
That's terrible.
太可怕了。
I don't understand it.
我不明白。
So that would be standard procedure for a patient who's sick, instead of sending their doctor, send police officers and shoot them.
因此，对于生病的病人来说，这将是标准程序，而不是派出他们的医生，而是派出警察并向他们开枪。
That's totally absurd.
这完全是荒谬的。
We sent what Alan's dad said to the hospital's crisis manager to give CEO Mark Bernard a chance to respond, along with a long list of other questions.
我们将艾伦父亲所说的话发送给医院的危机经理，让首席执行官马克·伯纳德有机会做出回应，同时还提出了一长串其他问题。
In reply, the hospital issued this statement, which it said came from CEO Mark Bernard.
作为回应，医院发表了这份声明，称该声明来自首席执行官马克·伯纳德(Mark Bernard)。
Quote, "In the wake of this sad event, we are reviewing our practices and procedures as we continue to provide the best possible care to those we serve."
引用：“在这一悲伤事件发生后，我们正在审查我们的做法和程序，继续为我们服务的人提供最好的护理。”
Change is happening at St. Joseph.
圣约瑟夫正在发生变化。
According to the report by federal investigators, St. Joseph is now limited where police officers can go in the hospital to peripheral areas.
根据联邦调查人员的报告，圣约瑟夫医院目前警察可以前往周边地区的地方受到限制。
They can't go to patients' rooms unless staff has tried everything else to calm a situation.
除非工作人员尝试了一切方法来平息事态，否则他们不能前往病人的房间。
St. Joseph also has to do crisis prevention training with staff and police.
圣约瑟夫还必须与工作人员和警察一起进行危机预防培训。
They have 17 months to get their act together, or they lose their federal funding.
他们有 17 个月的时间来采取行动，否则他们将失去联邦资助。
OK.
好的。
So basically, you drove yourself to a hospital.
所以基本上，你自己开车去了医院。
And when you're at the hospital, you said explicitly, you're having a manic episode.
当你在医院时，你明确地说，你正在经历躁狂发作。
You're unarmed.
你手无寸铁。
And you end up shot.
而你最终会被枪杀。
Yep.
是的。
Correct.
正确的。
Ira Glass OK.
艾拉·格拉斯 好的。
I don't even know what my question is.
我什至不知道我的问题是什么。
I just want to say, that seems bad.
我只想说，这看起来很糟糕。
On a whole bunch of levels.
在很多层面上。
And that opened my eyes in a way that I sort of never want it to.
这以一种我从来不希望的方式让我大开眼界。
What do you mean?
你是什么意思？
Alan Pean Well, I'm black.
艾伦·皮恩：好吧，我是黑人。
Because you don't think this would have happened if you were white?
因为你认为如果你是白人就不会发生这种事？
That the only reason this guy was able to look at me and decide that, hey, he needs to be shot in the chest.
这就是这个家伙能够看着我并决定，嘿，他的胸部需要被射中的唯一原因。
I think they just-- another black guy acting crazy.
我认为他们只是——又一个表现得很疯狂的黑人。
Angry black guy.
愤怒的黑人。
In the immediate wake of the shooting, Alan's father says that one of the questions that police asked him over and over was, did Alan have a criminal record?
枪击事件发生后，艾伦的父亲说，警方一遍又一遍地问他的问题之一是，艾伦有犯罪记录吗？
Alan told me that, of course, he's seen all the news stories about young black men being shot by police.
艾伦告诉我，他当然看过所有关于年轻黑人被警察枪杀的新闻报道。
I would think outrage.
我会认为愤怒。
It's an outrage.
这是一种愤怒。
It's a complete outrage.
这完全是一种愤怒。
But I would never think that it would happen to me.
但我绝对不会想到这种事会发生在我身上。
I'm privileged, right?
我很荣幸，对吧？
I acknowledge that.
我承认这一点。
I acknowledge I'm privileged.
我承认我很荣幸。
This is a family of doctors, a family with money.
这是一个医生世家，一个有钱人家。
That car that he crashed into the hospital was a 2010 Lexus.
他撞进医院的那辆车是一辆 2010 款雷克萨斯。
And it's interesting.
这很有趣。
Of the four black men in the family, three of them thought that they were living a life where they would never have this kind of run-in with a cop.
家里的四名黑人中，有三人认为他们的生活永远不会与警察发生这种冲突。
One of Alan's closest friends is a cop.
艾伦最亲密的朋友之一是一名警察。
His dad is friends with cops.
他的父亲是警察的朋友。
Only Christian, the oldest son, thought it could happen to him.
只有长子克里斯蒂安认为这会发生在他身上。
In fact, when his father texted him the day of the shooting to say that something had happened-- Alan was in the ICU, they didn't know what happened yet-- Christian's first text back was, wait, what?
事实上，当他的父亲在枪击事件发生那天给他发短信说发生了一些事情时——艾伦在重症监护室，他们还不知道发生了什么——克里斯蒂安回复的第一条短信是，等等，什么？
What?
什么？
Did they shoot him?
他们开枪打死他了吗？
Alan Pean nearly died.
艾伦·皮恩差点就死了。
The bullet hit him squarely in the chest.
子弹正好击中了他的胸口。
It missed his aorta by millimeters.
它以几毫米之差击中了他的主动脉。
He lost a third of the blood in his body.
他体内的血液流失了三分之一。
I can't believe that I'm even here, walking around, standing.
我不敢相信我竟然在这里，走来走去，站着。
And I don't know why he would shoot me in the chest unless he was trying to kill me.
我不知道他为什么要朝我的胸部开枪，除非他想杀我。
That's a kill shot, so that's-- I don't think too much about it.
这是致命一击，所以——我没有想太多。
I try not to, I think, actually, honestly.
我想，老实说，我尽量不这样做。
And I really can't handle it sometimes.
而且有时候我真的受不了。
Well, I can take it.
好吧，我可以接受。
I heard you say it like that.
我听到你这么说。
It's just, I still think I'm in shock, that I don't know how to handle it.
只是，我仍然认为我很震惊，我不知道如何处理。
I don't know how to handle it.
我不知道该如何处理。
Well, yeah.
嗯，是的。
That day in August, Alan had a delusion that people were out to kill him, that if he walked out of his apartment, he'd be shot.
八月的那天，艾伦有一种错觉，认为有人要杀他，如果他走出公寓，就会被枪杀。
There were assassins after him.
有刺客在追杀他。
He was going to get shot.
他要被枪杀了。
And then, he was shot.
然后，他被枪杀了。
This literally crazy thought came true.
这个疯狂的想法成真了。
How do you make sense of that?
你怎么理解这一点？
The New York Times ' version of this story is online at their website.
《纽约时报》的这个故事的版本在他们的网站上发布。
It's great, with great photos, at nytimes.com/hospital.
非常棒，照片也很棒，请访问 nytimes.com/hospital。
Since we first aired this story in 2016, the assault charges against Alan Pean were dismissed by a grand jury.
自从我们于 2016 年首次播出这个故事以来，大陪审团驳回了针对艾伦·皮恩的袭击指控。
Another grand jury looked into the behavior of the two officers involved in this shooting and did not indict them.
另一个大陪审团调查了参与这起枪击事件的两名警官的行为，但没有起诉他们。
The Texas State Legislature is currently considering a new bill that would allow state-run psychiatric hospitals to ban guns again.
德克萨斯州立法机关目前正在考虑一项新法案，允许公立精神病院再次禁枪。
Coming up, consciously telling yourself things that you know are not true as a way to use your mind and its power.
接下来，有意识地告诉自己一些你知道不真实的事情，以此作为使用你的思想及其力量的一种方式。
That's in a minute from Chicago Public Radio when our program continues.
芝加哥公共广播电台一分钟后我们的节目仍在继续。
It's This American Life .
这就是美国生活。
I'm Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯。
Today's program, "My Damn Mind."
今天的节目是《我该死的心》。
Our first act was about somebody whose mind was sending him jumping off of balconies.
我们的第一幕是关于一个人的思想让他从阳台上跳下来的故事。
And now, in this part of our show, we're turning to a very different story-- still about a man and his brain and the awesome and confounding power of one's own mind.
现在，在我们节目的这一部分，我们将转向一个非常不同的故事——仍然是关于一个人和他的大脑，以及一个人自己的思想的令人敬畏和令人困惑的力量。
In this case, though, it is about a man harnessing that power for a constructive purpose of his own.
然而，在这种情况下，这是关于一个人利用这种权力来实现自己的建设性目的。
This is Act Two of our show.
这是我们节目的第二幕。
Act Two, "Don't Need to Know Basis."
第二幕，“不需要知道基础”。
The man in this story is Michael Kinsley-- writer, editor, known for, among other things, starting the online magazine Slate and for being just a very sharp, funny observer of American politics and human nature generally, including his own nature.
这个故事中的人物是迈克尔·金斯利 (Michael Kinsley)，他是作家、编辑，因创办在线杂志 Slate 以及对美国政治和人性（包括他自己的本性）的敏锐、有趣的观察家而闻名。
He is a human.
他是一个人。
Nancy Updike talked to him.
南希·厄普代克与他交谈。
Michael Kinsley wrote an essay years ago-- it was funny, naturally-- in which he announced that he had Parkinson's Disease.
迈克尔·金斯利几年前写了一篇文章——这很有趣，自然——他在文中宣布自己患有帕金森病。
The essay was called "In Defense of Denial," because what he was really announcing was that he had already had Parkinson's for the previous eight years.
这篇文章被称为“为否认辩护”，因为他真正宣布的是，他在过去八年里已经患有帕金森症。
In that time, he said, the way he had chosen to use his mind, his deliberate strategy for dealing with Parkinson's, had been denial.
他说，在那段时间，他选择运用自己的思想的方式，以及他治疗帕金森氏症的深思熟虑的策略，都是否认的。
And he was not writing to confess or apologize or to vow not to engage in denial in the future.
他写信并不是为了认罪或道歉，也不是为了发誓将来不再否认。
He was talking about the benefits of self-deception and secrecy.
他正在谈论自欺欺人和保密的好处。
His argument was, when it comes to serious illness, like with all terrible things that happen to us, sure, yes, the goal is to get to acceptance-- eventually, if you can.
他的论点是，当谈到严重的疾病时，就像发生在我们身上的所有可怕的事情一样，当然，是的，目标是最终获得接受——如果可以的话。
But acceptance is not a strategy, he said.
但他表示，接受并不是一种策略。
It's not something you can just do.
这不是你能做的事。
He said, really, there are only two strategies, denial or confrontation.
他说，真的，只有两种策略，否认或对抗。
Confrontation, it's the strategy that everything in our culture pushes you toward, fighting it all the way.
对抗，这是我们文化中的一切都促使你采取的策略，一路与之抗争。
And also joining the community of sufferers of whatever, making it your life.
并加入任何受苦者的社区，让它成为你的生活。
Who are you?
你是谁？
I'm someone with Parkinson's.
我是一名帕金森病患者。
And I'm going off to my support group.
我要去支持小组了。
Right.
正确的。
They really engage.
他们真的很投入。
Michael Kinsley Yes.
迈克尔·金斯利 是的。
Michael J.
迈克尔·J。
Fox is an example, and a thoroughly admirable example of how to react.
福克斯就是一个例子，而且是一个非常令人钦佩的反应例子。
He's made it his cause, both his public cause and his personal cause.
他将其作为自己的事业，既是他的公共事业，也是他的个人事业。
And that's great.
那太好了。
But I just decided, that is not for me.
但我刚刚决定，那不适合我。
You went with denial.
你否认了。
Michael Kinsley Denial, which is the opposite.
迈克尔·金斯利否认，恰恰相反。
You don't think about it.
你不考虑它。
You don't get involved.
你不参与。
You don't learn everything you can about it.
你并没有学到关于它的一切。
You try to live your life and spend your time outside of that world.
你尝试过自己的生活，并在那个世界之外度过你的时间。
And in many ways, this was a cowardly choice.
从很多方面来说，这是一个懦弱的选择。
But it was the choice I made.
但这是我做出的选择。
I really appreciate a person who's prepared to use every mental trick in dealing with sickness.
我真的很欣赏一个愿意使用一切心理技巧来应对疾病的人。
Mike's essay spoke to me.
迈克的文章对我说话。
I have experienced the clear benefits of denial.
我体验到了拒绝的明显好处。
I know what it's like to choose that option.
我知道选择这个选项是什么感觉。
I had a tumor in my abdomen three years ago-- cancer.
三年前我的腹部长了一个肿瘤——癌症。
In the week before the surgery, denial-- carefully executed not thinking-- was my only goal.
在手术前一周，否认——不加思考地小心执行——是我唯一的目标。
I wasn't graceful or even logical about it.
我对此并不优雅，甚至不合逻辑。
For some reason, my denial involved making several trips to the drugstore, Duane Reade, to buy dental floss, and yet more dental floss.
出于某种原因，我的否认涉及多次前往杜安·里德药店购买牙线，以及更多的牙线。
Not sure why floss.
不知道为什么要使用牙线。
Mike suggested maybe I was stockpiling a message to myself.
迈克暗示我也许是在给自己储存一条信息。
You will live to floss long into the future.
你将在未来很长一段时间内使用牙线。
When he chose denial, Mike did feel bad about deceiving other people, not just the general public but also people he knew.
当迈克选择否认时，他确实对欺骗其他人感到内疚，不仅是公众，还有他认识的人。
And he said he tried not to lie outright.
他说他尽量不公然撒谎。
But denial was very good to him.
但否认对他来说非常好。
It gave him eight years of privacy, eight years of relative normalcy.
这给了他八年的隐私，八年相对正常的生活。
Nothing else could have done that.
没有其他事情可以做到这一点。
And he saw another benefit.
他还看到了另一个好处。
If you're lucky, you have good friends and close relatives who are going to help you get through it.
如果你幸运的话，你有好朋友和近亲，他们会帮助你度过难关。
But the best person in the world's sympathy is going to be limited.
但世界上最好的人的同情心是有限的。
So you do think, well, do I want to use that up?
所以你确实想，好吧，我想用掉它吗？
Maybe that's a crazy way to look at it.
也许这是一种疯狂的看待方式。
But I thought, I'm going to need their sympathy in years to come.
但我想，在未来的岁月里我将需要他们的同情。
And I don't especially need it now.
而且我现在并不特别需要它。
As Mike's symptoms progressed, bit by bit, some tremors, some stiffness, he told more people, bit by bit.
随着迈克的症状一点一点进展，有的颤抖，有的僵硬，他一点一点告诉更多的人。
And he ignored each person's advice in turn because every person was saying the same thing-- no more denial.
他依次忽略了每个人的建议，因为每个人都在说同样的话——不再否认。
The upshot was that Mike continued not reading up on Parkinson's, continued trying to know as little as possible, while his friends were reading up.
结果是，迈克继续不阅读有关帕金森氏症的文章，而是继续尝试尽可能少地了解，而他的朋友们却在阅读有关帕金森氏症的文章。
Thanks to a couple of them, he ended up at the Cleveland Clinic to get brain surgery, basically because his friends had been badgering him to go there and see a doctor who was surgically placing electrodes in the brains of people with Parkinson's to help slow down the progress of the disease's physical symptoms.
感谢他们中的几个人，他最终来到克利夫兰诊所接受脑部手术，主要是因为他的朋友们一直缠着他去那里看一位医生，这位医生正在通过手术在帕金森病患者的大脑中放置电极，以帮助减缓疾病的身体症状的进展。
Well, it was sort of a slippery slope.
嗯，这有点像一个滑坡。
They said, why don't you just go and let him examine you and see if you're suitable for it.
他们说，你去让他检查一下你是否适合。
It's like a blind date.
就像相亲一样。
Maybe just go meet her.
也许只是去见见她。
She's nice.
她很好。
Yeah.
是的。
Yes.
是的。
Well, I did.
嗯，我做到了。
And they wanted to make sure you were up for this.
他们想确保你做好了准备。
And after I had been to Cleveland two or three times, they suddenly said, well, how about July 12?
我去过克利夫兰两三次之后，他们突然说，好吧，7 月 12 日怎么样？
I'm making up the date.
我正在安排日期。
But they--
但他们——
Wow.
哇。
They got very specific all of a sudden.
他们突然变得非常具体。
Yeah.
是的。
And I didn't think about it nearly as long as I should have.
我并没有思考它应有的时间。
There is a controversy about which particular spot in the brain you should go to.
关于你应该去大脑中的哪个特定位置存在争议。
And different surgeons do different spots.
不同的外科医生做不同的部位。
But that's a perfect example of something I didn't research but that many people would and do.
但这是一个完美的例子，说明了我没有研究过但很多人会研究并且正在做的事情。
But I said, OK.
但我说，好吧。
And the next thing I knew, I was in Cleveland.
接下来我知道的是，我已经到了克利夫兰。
And were you nervous?
你紧张吗？
Michael Kinsley Yeah.
迈克尔·金斯利 是的。
I mean, I'm not that good at denial that I wouldn't be nervous about brain surgery.
我的意思是，我不太擅长否认我不会对脑部手术感到紧张。
So they just-- they said we're just going to make a little hole.
所以他们只是——他们说我们只是要挖一个小洞。
And they said it's just dime-sized.
他们说它只有一毛钱大小。
And that took me back, because I think of a dime-sized hole as being pretty big.
这让我回想起，因为我认为一毛钱大小的洞相当大。
Large.
大的。
For them it's small.
对他们来说这很小。
For you, it's big.
对你来说，它很大。
Because it's your brain.
因为那是你的大脑。
Yeah.
是的。
But I thought, well, this is how they do it.
但我想，好吧，他们就是这样做的。
OK.
好的。
And they screw your head to the table so it won't move while the surgery is happening right?
他们将你的头拧到手术台上，这样在手术过程中它就不会移动，对吗？
Even though it's general anesthesia, it's not local or anything.
虽然是全身麻醉，但不是局部麻醉什么的。
You were awake?
你醒了吗？
Michael Kinsley For most of the time.
迈克尔·金斯利（Michael Kinsley）大部分时间都是这样。
Oh, my god.
我的天啊。
Michael Kinsley Because they had to-- well, it's like you're down in the basement trying to replace a fuse.
迈克尔·金斯利：因为他们不得不——好吧，就像你在地下室试图更换保险丝一样。
And someone has to go upstairs to see if the light comes on.
并且必须有人上楼查看灯是否亮起。
And so that was me.
这就是我。
Right.
正确的。
You were the test about whether they were getting it right.
你是对他们是否做对的考验。
Yeah.
是的。
And it was quite weird.
这很奇怪。
They could press a button or something, and my hand would start to wave.
他们可以按下按钮或其他东西，我的手就会开始挥动。
The surgery did what it was supposed to.
手术达到了预期效果。
It slowed the progress of the physical symptoms which then allowed Mike to continue his project of exercising however much denial he possibly could at every stage.
它减缓了身体症状的进展，使迈克能够继续他的锻炼计划，在每个阶段尽可能地否认。
Parkinson's isn't usually fatal.
帕金森病通常不会致命。
Or, as Mike has cheerfully written over the years, Parkinson's gives you a decent chance for something else to get you first.
或者，正如迈克多年来愉快地写道的那样，帕金森病给了你一个很好的机会让其他事情先解决你。
But Parkinson's does get worse over time.
但帕金森氏症确实会随着时间的推移而恶化。
And maybe even more galling, Parkinson's is not just one thing.
也许更令人恼火的是，帕金森病不仅仅是一件事。
Eight years after the brain surgery, Mike wrote another essay about Parkinson's in The New Yorker .
脑部手术八年后，迈克在《纽约客》上发表了另一篇有关帕金森病的文章。
It's called "Have You Lost Your Mind?" Look it up if you haven't read it.
它的名字叫《你疯了吗？》如果你还没有读过，请查一下。
It's great.
这很棒。
It's about the research, more and more of it over the last couple of decades, indicating that Parkinson's can include cognitive symptoms.
这是关于研究的，在过去的几十年里越来越多的研究表明帕金森病可能包括认知症状。
It can affect your thinking.
它会影响你的思维。
A doctor once said to you when you asked him-- I think it was a him-- when you asked him about the cognitive issues associated with Parkinson's, he said, well, you may lose your edge.
一位医生曾经对你说，当你问他——我想是他——当你问他与帕金森氏症相关的认知问题时，他说，好吧，你可能会失去优势。
Yes.
是的。
That was the most terrifying moment, I think, in the whole process.
我认为那是整个过程中最可怕的时刻。
I mean, I make my living off of my edge.
我的意思是，我靠自己的优势谋生。
And also, it's part of my sense of who I am.
而且，这是我自我意识的一部分。
He thought he was sort of soft-pedaling something, saying, oh, you might lose your edge, as though you're still an intact thing with just a slightly softer edge.
他认为自己有点软弱，他说，哦，你可能会失去你的优势，就好像你仍然是一个完整的东西，只是边缘稍微软一些。
And meanwhile, for you, you were thinking, but I am my edge.
与此同时，对于你来说，你在思考，但我就是我的优势。
My edge is me.
我的优势就是我。
I'm not a thing with an edge.
我不是一个有棱角的东西。
The edge is-- that's me.
边缘是——那就是我。
That's what feels like me.
这就是我的感觉。
Yeah, that's exactly it.
是的，就是这样。
But let me say to anyone who cares who's listening that I have not lost my mind.
但让我对所有关心谁在听的人说，我并没有失去理智。
Mike says the rallying cry for his generation is death before dementia, only after a very long life, of course.
迈克说，他这一代人的战斗口号是在痴呆症之前死亡，当然，只有在很长的生命之后。
He wrote in his New Yorker essay that the kind of thing you'd want people to say about you, looking back, would be something like, "he was 102 years old when he was accidentally shot by a neighbor and still sharp as a tack."
他在《纽约客》的文章中写道，回顾过去，你希望人们对你的评价是这样的：“当他被邻居意外射杀时，他已经 102 岁了，但仍然锋利如钉。”
Parkinson's is different from Alzheimer's.
帕金森病与阿尔茨海默病不同。
The cognitive issues vary a lot from person to person, and they're still being researched.
认知问题因人而异，而且仍在研究中。
But dementia is one possibility.
但痴呆症是一种可能性。
And a big reason we know that is because other people with Parkinson's-- the confronters, not the deniers-- are talking about it.
我们知道这一点的一个重要原因是其他帕金森病患者——对抗者，而不是否认者——正在谈论这个问题。
Most of our information about cognitive problems comes from the patient, him or herself.
我们关于认知问题的大部分信息都来自患者本人。
And I'm thinking, are these people out of their minds?
我在想，这些人是不是疯了？
You want to send a mass email to everybody with Parkinson's just saying, can we all just not talk about this?
您想向每个患有帕金森病的人发送一封群发电子邮件，只是说，我们可以不要谈论这个吗？
Why are we talking about this?
我们为什么要谈论这个？
Yes.
是的。
Well, when I hear people talking about this, I think, shut up.
好吧，当我听到人们谈论这个时，我想，闭嘴。
Shut up.
住口。
Yeah.
是的。
It doesn't work.
这不起作用。
I switch back into denial when it comes to the cognitive thing.
当谈到认知问题时，我又转而否认。
And yet here I am, discussing it on a national radio show, so obviously my motives are mixed.
然而我却在这里，在一个全国广播节目中讨论这个问题，所以显然我的动机是复杂的。
Well, we have nothing else to talk about, Nancy.
好吧，我们没什么可谈的了，南希。
Yes, well, we've got the New Hampshire primary.
是的，好吧，我们已经举行了新罕布什尔州初选。
No. What's she done?
不，她做了什么？
Ira Glass Nancy Updike is one of the producers of our program.
艾拉·格拉斯·南希·厄普代克是我们节目的制作人之一。
Michael Kinsley is a contributing columnist for Vanity Fair and The Washington Post .
迈克尔·金斯利是《名利场》和《华盛顿邮报》的特约专栏作家。
His latest book is Old Age: A Beginner's Guide .
他的最新著作是《老年：初学者指南》。
Our program was produced today by Chana Jofee-Walt, with Zoe Chace, Sean Cole, Neil Drumming, Stephanie Foo, Miki Meek, Jonathan Menjivar, Robyn Semien, Alissa Shipp, and Nancy Updike.
今天我们的节目由查纳·乔菲-沃尔特 (Chana Jofee-Walt) 制作，佐伊·查斯 (Zoe Chace)、肖恩·科尔 (Sean Cole)、尼尔·鼓明 (Neil Drumming)、斯蒂芬妮·福 (Stephanie Foo)、米基·米克 (Miki Meek)、乔纳森·曼吉瓦 (Jonathan Menjivar)、罗宾·塞米恩 (Robyn Semien)、艾丽莎·希普 (Alissa Shipp) 和南希·厄普代克 (Nancy Updike) 共同制作。
Our senior producer is Brian Reed.
我们的高级制片人是布莱恩·里德。
Our editor is Joel Lovell.
我们的编辑是乔尔·洛弗尔。
Julie Snyder is our editorial consultant.
朱莉·斯奈德是我们的编辑顾问。
Our technical director is Matt Tierney.
我们的技术总监是马特·蒂尔尼。
Production help from Lyra Smith.
Lyra Smith 提供制作帮助。
Seth Lind is our operations director.
塞思·林德 (Seth Lind) 是我们的运营总监。
Emily Condon's our production manager.
艾米丽·康登是我们的生产经理。
Elise Bergerson's our business operations manager.
Elise Bergerson 是我们的业务运营经理。
Elna Baker scouts stories for our show.
艾尔娜·贝克为我们的节目寻找故事。
Kimberly Henderson is our office coordinator.
Kimberly Henderson 是我们的办公室协调员。
Research help today from Christopher Swetala and Benjamin Anastas.
Christopher Swetala 和 Benjamin Anastas 今天提供了研究帮助。
Music help today from Damien Graef and Rob Geddis.
今天达米安·格雷夫 (Damien Graef) 和罗布·格迪斯 (Rob Geddis) 提供音乐帮助。
[ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS] Our website, thisamericanlife.org.
[致谢] 我们的网站 thisamericanlife.org。
This American Life is delivered to public radio stations by PRX, the Public Radio Exchange.
《美国生活》由公共广播电台 PRX 向公共广播电台播出。
Thanks, as always, to our program's co-founder, Mr. Torey Malatia.
一如既往地感谢我们项目的联合创始人 Torey Malatia 先生。
You know, how do I get through this program every week?
你知道我每周如何完成这个计划吗？
Let me tell you, I just come in to the studio, I look up at the photo of Torey Malatia that is here in the radio studio, and I can hear his voice in my head, saying--
让我告诉你，我刚进演播室，我抬头看着广播演播室里托里·马拉蒂亚的照片，我能听到他的声音在我脑海里说——
Just remember your training.
只要记住你的训练就可以了。
You trained for this.
你为此受过训练。
I'm Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯。
Back next week with more stories of This American Life .
下周我们将带来更多《美国生活》的故事。
[MUSIC - "WHERE IS MY MIND" BY VANILLA FUDGE]
[音乐-香草软糖的“我的思想在哪里”]
This American Life is produced in collaboration with WBEZ Chicago and delivered to stations by PRX The Public Radio Exchange.
《This American Life》与 WBEZ Chicago 合作制作，并由 PRX 公共广播电台传送到各电台。