56: Name Change - This American Life
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00:00 00:00 Transcript Share This American Life Life Partners How to Listen Episodes Recommended About Overview Staff Announcements Fellowships Jobs Music Make Radio On The Road FAQ Submissions Merch Contact Us Our Other Shows Merch Follow Us Life Partners Subscribe to our newsletter Full episode Toggle Audio and Transcript Sync Transcript | Episode #56 | March 7, 1997 56: Name Change Note: This American Life is produced for the ear and designed to be heard.
00:00 00:00 文字记录 分享此 美国生活 生活伙伴 如何收听 剧集 推荐 关于 概述 员工公告 奖学金 工作 音乐 在路上制作电台 常见问题解答 提交 商品 联系我们 我们的其他节目 商品 关注我们 生活伙伴 订阅我们的时事通讯 整集 切换音频和文字记录同步 文字记录 | 内容第 56 集 | 1997 年 3 月 7 日 56：更名 注：This American Life 是为耳朵而制作的，旨在让人们听到。
If you are able, we strongly encourage you to listen to the audio, which includes emotion and emphasis that's not on the page.
如果可以的话，我们强烈建议您收听音频，其中包括页面上没有的情感和重点。
Transcripts are generated using a combination of speech recognition software and human transcribers, and may contain errors.
文字记录是使用语音识别软件和人工转录员结合生成的，可能包含错误。
Please check the corresponding audio before quoting in print.
请在印刷版引用前检查相应的音频。
Prologue Ira Glass When my grandmother, Mollie Politzer, was just 32 years old, she got sick.
序言 Ira Glass 我的祖母 Mollie Politzer 在 32 岁时就生病了。
So sick that she was in the hospital for months.
她病得很重，在医院住了几个月。
So sick that the doctors thought she would die.
病得很重，医生认为她会死。
So sick that finally, when all else seemed to fail, they called for a rabbi, and he changed her name.
病得很严重，最后，当其他一切似乎都失败时，他们请来了一位拉比，他改变了她的名字。
As my mom explains--
正如我妈妈解释的那样——
The reason the rabbi said that they changed her name was so that when the Angel of Death came that he wouldn't know who she was.
拉比之所以说给她改名字，是为了让死亡天使来的时候不知道她是谁。
And he wouldn't take her.
而他不会带她走。
That's such a beautiful picture of what the Angel of Death is, that the Angel of Death could be so easily fooled.
这就是死亡天使的美丽图画，死亡天使很容易被愚弄。
The Angel of Death is stupid.
死亡天使是愚蠢的。
The Angel of Death is like the UPS man.
死亡天使就像UPS的人。
Well, it says here the address.
嗯，上面写着地址。
So I've got the name.
所以我有了这个名字。
Are you sure she's not here?
你确定她不在这里吗？
Well, it's sort of like if they put the wrong name tag on you in the hospital, then you get the wrong operation.
好吧，这有点像如果他们在医院给你贴了错误的名牌，那么你就会接受错误的手术。
So my grandmother changed her name to fool the Angel of Death.
所以我的祖母改了名字来愚弄死亡天使。
And it worked.
它奏效了。
She survived, got well, changed her name back to what it was, lived to the age of 87.
她活了下来，康复了，改回了原来的名字，活到了87岁。
There's something so medieval about this story, so unlike my family, actually, my family which basically discarded the Old World the day that they got off the boat.
这个故事有一些中世纪的味道，与我的家人不同，实际上，我的家人在下船的那天基本上就抛弃了旧世界。
But I think it's easy to believe that there's something magical when you change your name.
但我认为当你改变你的名字时，你很容易相信有一些神奇的东西。
You change your name, you become a new person.
你改变了你的名字，你就变成了一个新人。
You take on a different identity.
你呈现出不同的身份。
You start over again, clean slate.
你重新开始，从头开始。
In a way, it's a very American impulse.
在某种程度上，这是一种非常美国式的冲动。
It's the New World.
这是新世界。
It's the move westward.
这就是西迁。
It's divorce, and self-help, and 12-step programs, and Ellis Island all rolled into one.
离婚、自助、12步计划和埃利斯岛都合而为一。
It's the story of Marilyn Monroe, and Andy Warhol, Muhammad Ali, and Malcolm X, and The Artist Formerly Known as Prince.
这是玛丽莲·梦露、安迪·沃霍尔、穆罕默德·阿里、马尔科姆·艾克斯以及这位艺术家（前身为王子）的故事。
Well, from WBEZ Chicago, it's This American Life.
嗯，来自 WBEZ 芝加哥，这是《This American Life》。
I'm Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯。
Today on our program, Name Changes, some done in innocence, some done to con people.
今天在我们的节目中，改名有些是出于无辜，有些是为了骗人。
Act One, The Procedure.
第一幕，程序。
Act Two, Baby Remember My Name, in which a 17-year-old tricks an entire resort town into believing that he is someone that he is not.
第二幕《宝贝记住我的名字》讲述了一名 17 岁的少年欺骗了整个度假小镇，让他们相信他是一个真实存在的人。
Act Three, As Seen On Television, the story of a guy who got booked onto The David Letterman Show, didn't want to go, got a friend to take his name, and go in his place successfully.
第三幕，如电视中所见，讲述了一个被预订了大卫莱特曼秀的人不想去的故事，他让一个朋友记下他的名字，并成功地取代了他的位置。
Act Four, Nom De Plume, how a guy named Tom became Camden Joy.
第四幕，Nom De Plume，一个名叫汤姆的人如何成为卡姆登·乔伊。
And what he gained and what he lost when he did that.
当他这样做时，他得到了什么，又失去了什么。
Stay with us.
留在我们身边。
Act One, The Procedure.
第一幕，程序。
In Los Angeles, to legally change your name, you show up at the LA Civil Courthouse at five minutes before 9:00, Thursday or Friday, and go to Room 208, Department 1A.
在洛杉矶，要合法更改姓名，您需要在周四或周五 9:00 前 5 分钟到达洛杉矶民事法院，前往 1A 部 208 室。
It works like this.
它的工作原理是这样的。
You file a petition to change your name.
您提交更改姓名的请愿书。
That costs $189.
售价 189 美元。
You pay about $85 to publish your name change in the newspaper.
您需要支付大约 85 美元才能在报纸上公布您的姓名变更。
If you're changing your kid's name, you need to prove that it's OK with the other parent or prove that you have searched for the other parent and you cannot find them.
如果您要更改孩子的姓名，您需要证明另一方家长同意，或者证明您已寻找另一方家长但找不到他们。
And you have to fill out a form, so they can check and make sure that you're not a registered sex offender.
你必须填写一份表格，以便他们检查并确保你不是登记的性犯罪者。
Imagine a line at the Department of Motor Vehicles.
想象一下机动车辆管理局的队伍。
That's what this line looks like.
这就是这条线的样子。
Several teenage girls in white or black jeans, long, nylon coats, heavy makeup, and long, long crimped hair.
几个十几岁的女孩穿着白色或黑色的牛仔裤，长长的尼龙外套，浓妆艳抹，长长的卷发。
A few couples stand, holding hands, and look to each other for assurance.
几对情侣手牵手站着，互相看着对方寻求保证。
We sent writer Margy Rochlin to watch the proceedings last Friday.
上周五我们派作家玛吉·罗克林观看了整个过程。
17 people showed up.
共有17人到场。
There was a youngish, black guy with an afro, baggy, plaid pants, and a battered briefcase, changing his name from Damon Washington to [?
有一个年轻的黑人，留着爆炸头，宽松的格子裤，拎着一个破旧的公文包，他的名字从达蒙·华盛顿改成了[？
Damone ?] [?
达蒙？] [？
Ide ?] [?
井井？] [？
Sativa.
苜蓿。
?] A Vietnamese man named Sonny The Ang changed his name to Sonny Thomas Wu.
？] 一位名叫Sonny The Ang的越南男子改名为Sonny Thomas Wu。
A schoolteacher named Carol Ann Anderson became Devakar Anderson.
一位名叫卡罗尔·安·安德森的教师成为德瓦卡·安德森。
Her yoga teacher gave her the name.
她的瑜伽老师给了她这个名字。
It means "angel princess." But more than half the people who come here are mothers who want to change their children's names.
意思是“天使公主”。但来这里的人一半以上都是想给孩子改名字的妈妈。
Apparently, they don't want to be reminded of the ex, who isn't around.
显然，他们不想让别人想起不在场的前任。
We asked Margy Rochlin to describe the scene, what she saw when she visited.
我们请玛吉·罗克林描述一下当时的场景，以及她参观时所看到的情况。
Even without being told, people follow the rules of any legal proceeding.
即使没有被告知，人们也会遵守任何法律程序的规则。
If they speak, they speak softly.
如果他们说话，他们会轻声说话。
For 15 minutes, I sit in this room, watching a line of people, one after the other, speak to the court clerk, a young woman who looks a lot like Kim Goldman, Ron Goldman's little sister, from the OJ Simpson trial.
我在这个房间里坐了 15 分钟，看着一排人一个接一个地与法庭书记员交谈，她是一位年轻女子，看起来很像 OJ 辛普森案审判中罗恩·戈德曼的妹妹金·戈德曼。
Mostly, the court clerk asks and answers questions.
大多数情况下，法庭书记员提出并回答问题。
She examines their papers and says things like, "Are you his mother?" The minutes tick by, and each of the people are addressed in the same kind, helpful tones.
她检查了他们的文件并说了这样的话：“你是他的母亲吗？”时间一分一秒过去，每个人都以同样友善、乐于助人的语气说话。
And then they walk out the door.
然后他们走出门。
And then at a certain point, I realize something.
然后在某个时刻，我意识到了一些事情。
This is it.
就是这样。
There's no more to this proceeding.
此程序没有更多内容。
In my mind, I'd imagined that the filing of the papers was going to be followed by some kind of swearing in process, like the kind that happens when you become an American citizen.
在我看来，我想象文件提交后会进行某种宣誓过程，就像你成为美国公民时发生的那样。
I pictured a group of people standing up with their right hand raised, and a judge banging the gavel and then making them repeat some official oath.
我想象一群人站起来，举起右手，法官敲击木槌，然后让他们重复一些正式的誓言。
Although I'm not sure what that could be.
虽然我不确定那可能是什么。
"I," new name goes here, "solemnly swear that I will answer to my new name and no other, so help me God."
“我，”新名字在这里，“庄严宣誓，我将服从我的新名字，而不是其他名字，所以请上帝帮助我。”
Where the judge sits, there's only an empty chair and a nameplate that says, "Murray Gross, Commissioner." Later, I asked the clerk why the judge isn't around.
法官坐的地方只有一把空椅子和一块铭牌，上面写着“穆雷·格罗斯，专员”。后来我问书记员为什么法官不在。
And she says, "Oh, he is.
她说：“哦，他是。
He's been here all day long.
他已经在这里一整天了。
He's in the back." And then she waves her hand in the direction of a room behind her.
他在后面。”然后她朝身后的一个房间的方向挥了挥手。
The thing is, I look through the open door and I only see a secretary wandering around.
问题是，我透过敞开的门往里看，只看到一名秘书在周围徘徊。
And immediately, I think of the great and powerful Oz.
我立刻就想到了伟大而强大的奥兹国。
"There's no Murray Gross," I think.
“没有默里·格罗斯，”我想。
In Los Angeles, if you want to get your name changed, you deal with this clerk.
在洛杉矶，如果你想改名，你可以和这个职员打交道。
Her name is Robin.
她的名字叫罗宾。
She's a temp.
她是临时工。
About five deep into the line, there's a tall, thin, elderly woman with a fuzz of gray hair, who stands as patiently as the rest.
队伍深处大约五处，有一位又高又瘦、头发花白的老妇人，她和其他人一样耐心地站着。
She wears all white, a long, white sweater, white, sheer stockings, white shoes, and an ankle-length, crisply ironed, pleated, white skirt.
她穿着全白的衣服，一件长长的白色毛衣，白色的透明丝袜，白色的鞋子，还有一条长及脚踝、熨烫干净的褶皱白色裙子。
There is something about her that immediately catches your eye.
她身上有一种东西会立即引起你的注意。
She's the only one in line wearing a crown, a beaded one, gold and blue.
她是队列中唯一戴着皇冠的人，皇冠是一顶金色和蓝色的串珠皇冠。
This is Her Holiness O'Bryant.
这是奥布莱恩特陛下。
Her name used to be Olivia, she tells me.
她告诉我，她以前叫奥利维亚。
But in 1981, God told her to change her name-- she wouldn't say why-- to "Her Holiness." And she respectfully complied.
但在 1981 年，上帝告诉她将自己的名字改为“殿下”（她没有透露原因）。她恭敬地答应了。
Ever since then, everyone at the retirement home, where she lives, calls her Her Holiness or nothing at all.
从那时起，她居住的养老院里的每个人都称她为“殿下”，或者根本不称她为“殿下”。
"What do they call you for short?" I ask her.
“他们简称你什么？”我问她。
And she smiles dreamily at me.
她对我梦幻般地微笑。
That's it.
就是这样。
No answer.
没有答案。
Her Holiness has definitely dealt with bigger smart alecks than myself.
陛下肯定遇到过比我更自作聪明的人。
Somewhere, from the folds of her all-white costume, she pulls out a small, black, leather wallet.
从她全白服装的褶皱中，她从某个地方拿出了一个黑色的小皮钱包。
And she shows me her social security card and her driver's license.
她向我展示了她的社会保障卡和驾驶执照。
And they both say, "Her Holiness O'Bryant." Then she slides the cards back into the wallet, adjusts her crown with a tiny tap of her long, skinny fingers, and then she disappears off down the court hallway.
他们都说：“奥布莱恩特陛下。”然后她将卡片滑回钱包，用她又长又瘦的手指轻轻敲击一下调整皇冠，然后消失在法庭走廊上。
Watching this whole thing, it's hard to believe how simple it is to change something that has been so much a part of your life for so long, something that seems irrevocable, this thing you've had since birth.
看着这整件事，很难相信改变一些东西是多么简单，这些东西长期以来一直是你生活的一部分，似乎是不可挽回的，这是你从出生起就拥有的东西。
And when they walk out of the courtroom, people have an expression that I've only seen in one other place.
当他们走出法庭时，人们脸上的表情是我只在其他地方见过的。
It's the "what just happened?" expression of newlyweds after they've been married in a quickie wedding in Las Vegas.
就是“刚刚发生了什么？”新婚夫妇在拉斯维加斯举行快速婚礼后的表情。
So much anticipation has come before this.
在此之前，已经有很多期待。
So much thought has been invested on the road to this moment.
为了这一刻，我们投入了很多思考。
And it all happens so quickly, they don't know what to feel.
这一切发生得太快了，他们不知道该感受什么。
They assume they're going to feel different, but they don't feel different, just numb.
他们以为自己会感觉不同，但他们并没有感觉不同，只是麻木了。
Sometimes they actually say it out loud to Robin.
有时他们实际上会对罗宾大声说出来。
They lean towards her and whisper, "Is that it?" "That's it," she says, moving on to the next applicant.
他们凑近她，低声问道：“是吗？” “就是这样，”她说，然后转向下一位申请人。
Margy Rochlin in Los Angeles.
玛吉·罗克林在洛杉矶。
More name changes coming up.
更多名称即将更改。
Act Two, Baby Remember My Name.
第二幕，宝贝记住我的名字。
Well, to understand this next story, we have to return to American pop culture circa 1974.
好吧，为了理解下一个故事，我们必须回到 1974 年左右的美国流行文化。
Writer Jack Hitt's gonna help us out.
作家杰克·希特会帮助我们。
It's hard for people to understand nowadays what National Lampoon was in 1974, where everybody had to read it for whatever reason, especially if you were a 17-year-old guy.
现在的人们很难理解 1974 年的《国家讽刺》是什么样的，当时每个人都必须阅读它，无论出于什么原因，尤其是如果你是一个 17 岁的小伙子。
For a certain group of American teenagers and college students, National Lampoon was what Saturday Night Live would be in the John Belushi, Gilda Radner years.
对于某些美国青少年和大学生来说，《国家讽刺》就像约翰·贝鲁什、吉尔达·拉德纳时代的《周六夜现场》。
In fact, some of the early Saturday Night Live staff came from the Lampoon.
事实上，《周六夜现场》早期的一些工作人员就来自《讽刺报》。
One of the Lampoon writers was a guy named Christopher Cerf.
《讽刺报》的作者之一是克里斯托弗·瑟夫 (Christopher Cerf)。
This next story is about Jack Hitt, now an adult, deciding as a teenager, to take Christopher Cerf's name in the year 1974 for himself.
下一个故事是关于杰克·希特 (Jack Hitt)，现已成年，青少年时期决定在 1974 年采用克里斯托弗·瑟夫 (Christopher Cerf) 的名字作为自己的名字。
We invited Mr. Hitt into a studio and, to keep things fair, Mr. Cerf.
我们邀请了希特先生进入工作室，为了公平起见，我们还邀请了瑟夫先生。
You picked me out of all the writers you could have picked.
您从所有可以挑选的作家中挑选了我。
It's startling, especially when you don't hear about it 'til 20 years later or so.
这令人震惊，尤其是当你直到 20 年后才听说这件事时。
Mr. Cerf's assignment for this studio session was to interview Jack Hitt about the incident.
瑟夫先生这次演播室会议的任务是就这一事件采访杰克·希特。
Up until this moment, the two had never met.
直到此刻，两人还从未见过面。
Chris seemed very happy to be asked.
克里斯似乎很高兴被问到。
Jack seemed very, very happy to tell his story.
杰克看起来非常非常高兴讲述他的故事。
The whole story starts in-- it's the summer of '74.
整个故事开始于——74年的夏天。
And I was 17 years old, a rising senior in high school.
当时我17岁，正在读高中。
And my friend Jimmy had a country house in the highlands of North Carolina, this little town called-- I think it's-- Brevard.
我的朋友吉米在北卡罗来纳州的高地有一座乡间别墅，这个小镇叫——我想是——布里瓦德。
And on the way up, we were just talking about all the people that he had gotten to know over the years up there.
在上山的路上，我们只是谈论他多年来在那里认识的所有人。
He knew most of the families.
他认识大多数家庭。
And they're fairly wealthy, well-to-do people.
而且他们都是相当富有、富裕的人。
And he knew a lot of the kids and stuff, the other teenagers up there.
他认识很多孩子之类的东西，还有那里的其他青少年。
And so somehow, between the two of us, we came up with the idea that I would just be somebody else.
因此，不知何故，我们两个人想到了我会成为另一个人。
And we'd just have a couple of day's fun, hoodwinking everybody with pretending that I was somebody I wasn't.
我们就这样度过了几天的乐趣，假装我是一个我不是的人来欺骗每个人。
So we were reading a couple of different articles, and we came across one of yours.
因此，我们正在阅读几篇不同的文章，并且遇到了您的一篇文章。
All of those names, by the way-- you have to remember that your name, O'Rourke's name, Donoghue's name, all those names were, to a 17-year-old male in 1974, these were the names of gods.
顺便说一句，所有这些名字——你必须记住，你的名字、奥罗克的名字、多诺霍的名字，所有这些名字，对于 1974 年的 17 岁男性来说，都是神的名字。
I'm honored.
我很荣幸。
I'm honored.
我很荣幸。
Jack Hitt At last, I'm here.
杰克·希特 我终于来了。
At last somebody thinks I'm a god.
终于有人认为我是神了
It only took 23 years.
只用了23年。
So anyway, so we decided that I would be you.
所以无论如何，我们决定我就是你。
We decided we weren't going to be too ham-fisted about it.
我们决定不会在这件事上表现得过于笨拙。
We'd come into the town, we'd go out, see some of the people, and he would just introduce me as Chris Cerf.
我们进城，出去，见一些人，他只会介绍我叫克里斯·瑟夫。
And no one would say anything.
没有人会说什么。
And if it came up in conversation, slowly but surely, I began to retail this gigantic lie.
如果在谈话中提到这个问题，我就会慢慢地但肯定地开始散布这个弥天大谎。
And the lie was that I was a junior at Harvard.
谎言是我是哈佛的大三学生。
And in my spare time, I was freelancing as a writer for the National Lampoon.
在业余时间，我是《国家讽刺报》的自由撰稿人。
And of course, to say that, and to say Christopher Cerf's name at that time was-- everyone got it.
当然，当时说出克里斯托弗·瑟夫的名字是——每个人都明白了。
Everyone that we talked to up there, the minute I'd say that, they'd go, "You're Christopher Cerf?" I'd say, "Yeah, have you seen my stuff?
我们在那里交谈过的每个人，当我这么说的那一刻，他们都会说：“你是克里斯托弗·瑟夫？”我会说：“是啊，你看到我的东西了吗？
I write occasionally in a little magazine called the National Lampoon.
我偶尔在一本叫做《国家讽刺》的小杂志上写文章。
Maybe you've heard of it?" That kind of thing.
也许你听说过？”那种事。
Anyway, it went over way too well.
不管怎样，一切进展得太顺利了。
Within 48 hours, I was the hottest commodity on the mountain.
48小时之内，我成了山上最热门的商品。
It was fabulous.
太棒了。
Let me just say, being you for those first three or four days was just absolutely the best for a couple reasons.
我只想说，最初的三四天绝对是最好的，原因有几个。
But mainly because I suddenly found out that being somewhat famous made people laugh at your jokes just a lot more quickly.
但主要是因为我突然发现，有点名气会让人们更快地嘲笑你的笑话。
I didn't have to do any work at all.
我根本不需要做任何工作。
I was used to being the guy that had to really put on a big, big show to get the smallest laugh.
我已经习惯了必须上演一场盛大的表演才能获得最小的笑声的人。
Now anything I said got an incredible reaction because, of course, everybody was trying to kiss up to me.
现在我所说的任何话都会得到令人难以置信的反应，因为当然，每个人都试图拍我的马屁。
Because I was Christopher Cerf.
因为我是克里斯托弗·瑟夫。
Yeah.
是的。
But what amuses me is that you had absolutely no idea what I was like or anything.
但有趣的是，你完全不知道我是什么样的人或任何事情。
No. Christopher Cerf Just that you made me up.
不，克里斯托弗·瑟夫 只是你编造了我。
Right.
正确的。
And I was giving people publishing advice, too.
我也向人们提供出版建议。
That was the other thing.
那是另一回事。
And I realize now that I've been a magazine writer for 22 years, and edited, and so forth, that advice was actually pretty right on.
现在我意识到，我已经做了 22 年杂志作家、编辑等工作，这个建议实际上是非常正确的。
Is there anybody whose career that I helped a lot that you can tell me about now that made it?
有没有人在我的职业生涯中得到过我的帮助，现在你可以告诉我，他的事业是否成功了？
I don't remember any of the names unfortunately.
不幸的是我不记得任何一个名字。
I do remember one time being at a party, and there were two girls vying for my affection in this really wonderfully aggressive, teenage way, where they're both trying to out-entertain each other in my eyes.
我确实记得有一次在一个聚会上，有两个女孩以一种非常具有攻击性的、青少年般的方式争夺我的感情，她们都试图在我眼中比对方更有趣。
And it was clear that one of these two girls wanted to be my regular date for the time that I was going to be up there.
很明显，这两个女孩中的一个想成为我去那里期间的常规约会对象。
This was going to be a summertime fling.
这将是一次夏季狂欢。
That night, one thing led to another, and I somehow fell in with the really good-looking brunette one.
那天晚上，一件事接着另一件事，我不知何故爱上了那个非常漂亮的黑发女孩。
I'm amazed you picked her.
我很惊讶你选择了她。
Jack Hitt All I remember is that we did neck in the corner of the room late at night.
杰克·希特 我只记得我们深夜在房间的角落里扭脖子。
And I felt-- that was a very strange moment.
我觉得——那是一个非常奇怪的时刻。
With your fame, I got to neck with this really beautiful brunette.
凭借你的名声，我和这个非常美丽的黑发女郎发生了关系。
That's what makes me so damn angry.
这就是让我如此愤怒的原因。
Because that's my girl.
因为那是我的女孩。
I loved her, Jack.
我爱她，杰克。
She's mine.
她是我的。
As I say, what amazes me about this story is that that never worked for me.
正如我所说，这个故事让我惊讶的是它对我来说从来没有用过。
I didn't say, "I'm Chris Cerf," and people didn't say, "Wow."
我没有说“我是克里斯·瑟夫”，人们也没有说“哇”。
Well, the problem is you weren't hanging out with 17-year-olds.
好吧，问题是你没有和 17 岁的孩子一起出去玩。
I should have gone to North Carolina.
我应该去北卡罗来纳州。
Well, that's true.
嗯，确实如此。
I should have gone to North Carolina.
我应该去北卡罗来纳州。
I knew it.
我就知道。
Did anyone ask you about particular articles that you'd supposedly written?
有人问过你关于你应该写的特定文章吗？
Because that might have been tricky.
因为这可能很棘手。
Well, first of all, I knew the entire magazine from issue one up until whatever month it was at that time.
嗯，首先，我知道整本杂志从第一期到当时的任何月份。
But there was one guy who figured me out.
但有一个人明白了我的意思。
There was one guy who was even more of a National Lampoon freak than I was or than Jimmy was.
有一个人比我或吉米更像是一个全国讽刺狂。
He lived out of a VW bug-- I'm not even sure what he was doing up there-- he lived out of a VW bug with all the National Lampoons stuck in the slot in the back.
他靠一辆大众汽车为生——我什至不确定他在那里做什么——他靠一辆大众汽车为生，所有的《国家讽刺报》都卡在后面的插槽里。
And he read them compulsively.
他不由自主地阅读它们。
He was beyond any of us in terms of his Lampoon fanaticism.
就讽刺狂热而言，他超越了我们任何人。
But at first, he was very excited to meet me and was just going on.
但一开始，他很高兴见到我，并且只是继续说下去。
I signed copies of the magazine for him, the whole thing.
我为他签署了杂志的副本，整个事情。
And he would talk to me about different articles.
他会和我谈论不同的文章。
And of course, I would always direct the conversation to articles of yours that I knew at the time.
当然，我总是会把话题引向我当时知道的你的文章。
But he knew every one of your articles.
但他知道你的每一篇文章。
And I remember this.
我记得这一点。
We were on the porch of Jimmy's house, where I just kept slipping up.
我们在吉米家的门廊上，我总是滑倒。
And I could see it.
我可以看到它。
You mean he would say, "Do you remember this one?"
你的意思是他会说：“你还记得这个吗？”
Right.
正确的。
Or "How did you get the idea for this article?" And then, at one point, he pulled something like that.
或者“你是怎么想到写这篇文章的？”然后，有一次，他做出了类似的事情。
And of course, it wasn't an article that I had written.
当然，这不是我写的文章。
It was an article that Doug Kenney had written.
这是道格·肯尼 (Doug Kenney) 写的一篇文章。
But there was definitely a moment where you could almost see it in his eyes, where he suddenly realized that he was being had.
但肯定有那么一刻，你几乎可以从他的眼睛里看到这一点，他突然意识到自己被骗了。
And he suddenly said, "You're not Chris Cerf?"
他突然说道：“你不是克里斯·瑟夫？”
Yeah.
是的。
He goes, "I know you're not Christopher Cerf." And I just told him, "You're right.
他说：“我知道你不是克里斯托弗·瑟夫。”我只是告诉他：“你是对的。
I'm a complete fraud."
我是一个彻头彻尾的骗子。”
He laughed.
他笑了。
Jack Hitt And then he loved it.
Jack Hitt 然后他就喜欢上了它。
As soon as he was in on the joke, then that was cool.
一旦他开始开玩笑，那就太酷了。
He was totally cool once he was part of the prank, then he played along.
一旦他成为恶作剧的一部分，他就完全冷静了，然后他就一起玩了。
That, actually, I've always found is the best thing that happens with a hoax anyway.
事实上，我一直认为这是恶作剧中最好的事情。
Once one person gets it, you bring them in on it.
一旦有人得到它，你就把他们带入其中。
And then it gets better and better.
然后它变得越来越好。
Well, having a confederate, yeah, definitely made it OK.
嗯，有一个同盟者，是的，绝对可以。
Because then, of course, he was serving as a kind of front man too.
当然，因为那时他也充当了一名前锋。
He was going out into other parties and going, "See that guy over there?
他正要出去参加其他聚会，然后说道：“看到那边那个人了吗？
You know who that is?
你知道那是谁吗？
That's Christopher Cerf.
那是克里斯托弗·瑟夫。
Writes for the National Lampoon.
为国家讽刺撰稿。
"
”
What else did I do besides write for the Lampoon?
除了为《讽刺报》写作之外，我还做了什么？
Do you remember?
你是否记得？
I mean, in your view.
我的意思是，在你看来。
Well, I was a junior at Harvard.
嗯，我当时是哈佛的大三学生。
And I was majoring in English.
我的专业是英语。
That was right actually.
其实是这样的。
Jack Hitt I remember saying things like, "I was studying with Harold Bloom," who, of course, doesn't teach at Harvard.
我记得杰克·希特（Jack Hitt）说过这样的话，“我正在和哈罗德·布鲁姆（Harold Bloom）一起学习”，当然，他不在哈佛任教。
He's Yale.
他是耶鲁大学。
Ivy League, what the heck.
常春藤盟校，到底是什么？
No, he came up to tutor me at Harvard.
不，他来哈佛辅导我。
Oh, yes.
哦是的。
Right.
正确的。
Of course.
当然。
Yeah.
是的。
So where did you go to college?
那么你在哪里上大学？
I got that right?
我说得对吗？
I just made that up.
我刚刚编出来的。
Were you on The Harvard Lampoon?
你上过《哈佛讽刺》吗？
Yes, I was.
是的，我是。
And a lot of us were.
我们很多人都是。
So that wasn't a bad guess.
所以这不是一个糟糕的猜测。
And Henry Beard and Doug Kenney were from The Harvard Lampoon, who really started the magazine.
亨利·比尔德和道格·肯尼来自《哈佛讽刺报》，他们真正创办了这本杂志。
Jack, was there any point at which you regretted this, where you felt, "Oh my gosh, I've misled people?"
杰克，你是否曾在某个时刻感到后悔，感到“天哪，我误导了人们？”
There was a moment that was very Hitchcockian, where we all went off to play a round robin of tennis at the local club.
有一个非常希区柯克式的时刻，我们都去当地的俱乐部打网球循环赛。
And everybody on the mountain top has signed up for this.
山顶上的每个人都报名参加了。
And from time to time over the loudspeaker, they would call the next pair to go play in this round robin.
他们时不时地通过扩音器喊出下一组参加循环赛。
And I remember it was a particularly strange moment when I was just wandering around this country club grounds with my tennis racket and, all of a sudden, hearing over the loudspeaker, "Christopher Cerf, Christopher Cerf, please report to court seven." And all of a sudden, I realized I was Christopher Cerf.
我记得那是一个特别奇怪的时刻，当时我拿着网球拍在乡村俱乐部的场地上闲逛，突然，从扩音器里听到：“克里斯托弗·瑟夫，克里斯托弗·瑟夫，请到第七法庭报到。”突然间，我意识到我就是克里斯托弗·瑟夫。
I was more Christopher Cerf than you probably ever were.
我可能比你更像克里斯托弗·瑟夫。
I think so.
我想是的。
I was going to say, maybe I should just give it back to you.
我想说，也许我应该把它还给你。
At that point, I think, people I know started calling me "Chris." That was really unnerving for a while.
我想，从那时起，我认识的人就开始叫我“克里斯”。这确实让人不安了一阵子。
And it was around that time that, I have to say, I began to resent being Christopher Cerf because the psychic weight of having to carry around all this huge collection of lies and trying to remember constantly to whom I had told which set of lies, I was just exhausted really.
就在那个时候，我不得不说，我开始讨厌成为克里斯托弗·瑟夫，因为必须随身携带所有这些大量的谎言，并试图不断记住我对谁说过哪一套谎言，这给我带来了精神上的负担，我真的筋疲力尽了。
I was just really tired of putting on the pretense.
我只是真的厌倦了假装。
And I was tired of getting all these easy laughs.
我厌倦了这些轻松的笑声。
And I was tired of all these people hounding me for tips on how to get into Redbook and all the things that these 17-year-old girls want to publish in.
我厌倦了所有这些人向我寻求如何进入红皮书以及这些 17 岁女孩想要发表的所有内容的建议。
I didn't have any real answers, and I felt like a complete ass by the end of it.
我没有任何真正的答案，到最后我感觉自己像个彻头彻尾的混蛋。
Well, was there any friends that you made there that expected to see you after you left?
那么，您在那里结识的朋友中是否有希望在您离开后见到您的人？
Because that would've been a real problem, I would think.
我想，因为这将是一个真正的问题。
You would have told them, I guess.
我想你会告诉他们的。
I did tell the one couple that we'd gotten to know the most, the closest.
我确实告诉那对夫妇我们最了解、最亲密。
It was a married couple.
那是一对已婚夫妇。
And they were probably about 27 or 28, 10 years older than us at the time.
当时他们大概27、28岁，比我们大10岁。
And we had really gotten to be really good friends with them.
我们真的和他们成为了很好的朋友。
We'd spent almost every day of the two weeks with them, been out camping with them, done all kinds of stuff.
这两周我们几乎每天都和他们在一起，和他们一起出去露营，做了各种各样的事情。
And at the end of the two weeks, we thought we'd tell them because we thought, "They'll really, really dig this joke." They didn't.
两周结束时，我们认为我们应该告诉他们，因为我们认为，“他们会真的非常喜欢这个笑话。”他们没有。
It was horrifying.
太可怕了。
We were sitting in their cabin.
我们坐在他们的小屋里。
And I told them that I was just Jack Hitt, this junior in high school in Charleston, South Carolina.
我告诉他们我只是杰克·希特，南卡罗来纳州查尔斯顿的一名高中三年级学生。
And I'd never published a thing in my life.
我一生中从未发表过任何东西。
And they blew.
他们爆炸了。
They went berserk.
他们发疯了。
They cursed us and threw us out of the house.
他们咒骂我们，把我们赶出了家门。
And we never saw them again.
我们再也没有见过他们。
Jack Hitt and Christopher Cerf.
杰克·希特和克里斯托弗·瑟夫。
In 1974, when Jack Hitt was pulling this prank, Cerf was in his early 30s, living in Manhattan, going to parties where nobody ever, he says, gave him this kind of adulation.
1974 年，当杰克·希特 (Jack Hitt) 搞这个恶作剧时，瑟夫才 30 岁出头，住在曼哈顿，经常参加派对，据他说，从来没有人对他表示过这种奉承。
He became a writer for Sesame Street, author of the song "The Letter B," and many other well-known Sesame Street songs, and says that he was in on his share of pranks also.
他成为《芝麻街》的编剧，创作了歌曲《The Letter B》和许多其他著名的《芝麻街》歌曲，并表示他也参与了恶作剧。
When I first got to Sesame Street, correctly so, everybody was very worried about whether our books and records and things would look like we were commercializing the program.
当我第一次来到芝麻街时，确实如此，每个人都非常担心我们的书籍、记录和其他东西是否看起来像是我们正在将该程序商业化。
And we wanted to make it very clear that we weren't.
我们想明确表示我们不是。
And everybody was being very careful to make sure everything was educational and priced at the right point.
每个人都非常小心，以确保一切都具有教育意义并且定价合理。
And some people at Children's TV Workshop-- the producers were so fanatic about this that Joe Raposo, who was the main composer and music director, and I decided we would make the most commercial product that we could possibly imagine, as a joke, and give it to Joan Cooney, the founder of Sesame Street , for a Christmas present.
儿童电视工作室的一些人——制片人对此非常狂热，以至于主要作曲家和音乐总监乔·拉波索（Joe Raposo）和我决定，我们将制作我们所能想象到的最具商业性的产品，作为一个笑话，并将其作为圣诞礼物送给《芝麻街》的创始人琼·库尼（Joan Cooney）。
Joe had a friend who was a butcher.
乔有一个朋友是屠夫。
So we made up Sesame Street Imperial Polish Kielbasas.
所以我们制作了芝麻街帝国波兰基尔巴萨。
We made 25 of them.
我们做了 25 个。
And they had a little picture of Cookie Monster with a crown saying, "It's better than cookie" on it.
他们还有一张饼干怪物的小照片，上面戴着皇冠，上面写着“它比饼干更好”。
And we obviously had too much time in those days because Big Bird and Cookie Monster, Carroll Spinney and Frank Oz, made a series of radio spots, fake ones, and we had the band on them.
那时我们显然有太多的时间，因为大鸟和饼干怪物、卡罗尔·斯平尼和弗兰克·奥兹制作了一系列广播节目，假的，我们还有乐队在上面。
We spent a lot of time on this joke.
我们在这个笑话上花了很多时间。
And we had labels printed.
我们还打印了标签。
And it had a little disclaimer on it, saying, "This educational sausage," et cetera, "is being made for the good of your children." And we made up about 100 of them to give out at Christmas time.
它上面有一个小小的免责声明，说：“这种教育香肠”等等，“是为了你的孩子的利益而制作的。”我们制作了大约 100 个在圣诞节期间分发。
And a few days before Christmas, we put them in the refrigerator in the lunchroom there.
圣诞节前几天，我们把它们放进餐厅的冰箱里。
And lo and behold, that night, the janitor found them, and decided they were real, and that this was a real product, and it had been done illegally on the sly.
你瞧，那天晚上，看门人找到了它们，并认定它们是真的，而且这是真正的产品，而且是偷偷地非法制作的。
And it was just like the hoax you were talking about.
这就像你所说的骗局一样。
The minute that anybody found out about it, we just let them in on the joke, and they joined it.
当有人发现这件事的那一刻，我们就让他们参与这个笑话，他们也加入了进来。
And the lawyers for CTW went crazy.
CTW 的律师们都疯了。
They thought it was real.
他们认为这是真的。
They ran a D&B on the Imperial Sausage Company.
他们在帝国香肠公司 (Imperial Sausage Company) 经营一家 D&B。
And we were always one--
而我们始终是一体的——
What's a D&B?
什么是D&B？
Christopher Cerf A D&B.
克里斯托弗·瑟夫 D&B。
A Dunn and Bradstreet report.
邓恩和布拉德斯特里特的报告。
And they were looking for these guys.
他们正在寻找这些人。
And we just kept staying one step ahead of them.
我们一直领先他们一步。
We found a guy in Mill Valley who claimed to be Dominick Imperiale who had founded this company.
我们在米尔谷找到了一个自称是 Dominick Imperiale 的人，他创立了这家公司。
He called Joan Cooney to thank her for the license.
他打电话给琼·库尼，感谢她颁发了许可证。
Then we had a radio station send in our spots, saying, "Are you sure you really want to run these?" And then Joan got a call from Links, the sausage monthly magazine, asking her for an interview.
然后我们有一个广播电台发送我们的节目，说：“你确定你真的想运行这些吗？”然后琼接到了香肠月刊《Links》的电话，邀请她接受采访。
And it just went on and on.
它就这么一直持续下去。
And finally, at the very end, we dressed the entire Sesame Street band up in lederhosen.
最后，在最后，我们为整个芝麻街乐队穿上了皮短裤。
And they came in with tubas and things and played "Merry Christmas" to her.
他们拿着大号之类的东西进来，给她演奏“圣诞快乐”。
And we gave her the sausages and fessed up.
我们给了她香肠并坦白了。
But it was a great hoax.
但这是一个巨大的骗局。
Coming up, a story David Letterman doesn't want you to hear, as if there's only one.
接下来是大卫·莱特曼不想让你听到的故事，就好像只有一个故事一样。
That's in a minute when our program continues.
一会儿我们的节目就继续了。
It's This American Life.
这就是美国生活。
I'm Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯。
Each week on our program, of course, we choose a theme, invite a variety of writers and performers to tackle that theme with short stories, radio monologues, essays, the occasional radio play, whatever we can think of.
当然，我们每周的节目都会选择一个主题，邀请各种作家和表演者通过短篇小说、广播独白、散文、偶尔的广播剧以及我们能想到的任何内容来解决这个主题。
Today's program, Name Change.
今天的节目是《改名》。
And when the radio staff and I started to assemble stories for today's show, all the stories seemed to divide off into two basic types, the stories about people who changed their name seeking a new life, a new beginning, and the stories about people changing their name hoping to perpetrate a con, a swindle.
当我和电台工作人员开始为今天的节目收集故事时，所有的故事似乎都分为两种基本类型：关于人们改名寻求新生活、新开始的故事，以及关于人们改名希望进行骗局、诈骗的故事。
This next story falls into the second category, though it's a very small con, a very innocent con.
下一个故事属于第二类，尽管这是一个非常小的骗局，一个非常无辜的骗局。
Nobody gets hurt.
没有人受伤。
No property is damaged.
没有财产受损。
Nobody's feelings are wounded.
没有人的感情受到伤害。
It is about as innocent a swindle as they come.
这几乎是一种无辜的骗局。
What these guys do, essentially, is appear on The David Letterman Show under a false name and identity.
这些人所做的，本质上就是以假名和假身份出现在《大卫莱特曼秀》上。
We've arrived at Act Three of our program, As Seen On Television.
我们已经到了节目的第三幕，如电视中所见。
When I was first told to expect an invitation to appear on David Letterman's show, my only response was, "Thanks, but no thanks."
当我第一次被告知期待出现在大卫·莱特曼的节目中时，我唯一的回答是：“谢谢，但不用了。”
This is Dishwasher Pete, author of a zine called Dishwasher.
我是洗碗机皮特，《洗碗机》杂志的作者。
I just realized, do I have to explain what a zine is?
我刚刚意识到，我需要解释什么是杂志吗？
OK, for those of you who have not seen what zines are, zines are these little self-published, often xeroxed magazines.
好吧，对于那些还没有见过什么是杂志的人来说，杂志就是这些自行出版、通常复印的小杂志。
This particular one recounts the real-life adventures of Dishwasher Pete on his ongoing quest to wash dishes in every state in the Union.
这本特别的书讲述了洗碗机皮特在联邦每个州不断寻求洗碗的现实生活中的冒险经历。
It's a combination diary and philosophical inquiry into the nature of dishwashing, what it means to wash dishes for a living.
这是一本日记和对洗碗本质的哲学探究的结合，以及以洗碗为生意味着什么。
And it's so well written, and funny, and evocative that it has gotten some attention from the mainstream media.
它写得很好、很有趣、很令人回味，以至于引起了主流媒体的关注。
Back when reporters from newspapers and magazines first started contacting me, I did a couple of interviews.
当报纸和杂志的记者第一次联系我时，我做了几次采访。
One resulting article was so hokey, "Hey, look at this wacky guy," that, naturally, it made its way into newspapers around the country.
由此产生的一篇文章非常做作，“嘿，看看这个古怪的家伙”，自然而然地，它就登上了全国各地的报纸。
Before long, I began to get exasperated with media folks.
不久之后，我开始对媒体人士感到恼火。
Then came the final straw.
然后是最后一根稻草。
A producer from CNN somehow tracked down my parents' phone number and called them three times a week for nearly a month, urging my folks to have me call him.
CNN 的一位制片人不知何故找到了我父母的电话号码，并在近一个月的时间里每周给他们打电话 3 次，催促我的家人让我给他打电话。
I made the call, but I happened to mention my apprehension towards the media.
我打了电话，但碰巧提到了我对媒体的担忧。
He took it personally and became defensive.
他认为这是针对个人的，并采取了防御措施。
He explained that he was "down with the cause," his very words, and didn't always work for "the man," but was forced to because he had a mortgage to pay, a family to feed, and, get this, had to put shoes on his children's feet.
他解释说，他“对事业感到失望”，他的原话就是这样，并不总是为“男人”工作，而是被迫这样做，因为他要偿还抵押贷款，要养家糊口，而且，为此，不得不给孩子们穿鞋。
I couldn't make this up if I tried.
如果我尝试的话，我也无法弥补这一点。
He was actually implying that if I didn't do the interview with him, then his two daughters were going to go barefoot.
他实际上是在暗示，如果我不接受他的采访，那么他的两个女儿就会赤脚走路。
I had enough.
我受够了。
From that point on, whenever a letter arrived in the stationary of some big media outlet from Los Angeles or New York, it went straight into the garbage can, unopened.
从那时起，每当一封信从洛杉矶或纽约到达某家大型媒体的文报时，它就会直接被扔进垃圾桶，不会被打开。
But at some point, a friend of Pete's, Jess Hilliard, said that he would love to be in Pete's shoes.
但在某个时候，皮特的朋友杰西·希利亚德表示，他很乐意站在皮特的立场上。
He'd love to be on TV.
他很想上电视。
Pete figured, why deprive him of his dream?
皮特想，为什么要剥夺他的梦想呢？
He promised that if another offer came in, he would call Jess, and Jess could go as his stand-in.
他承诺，如果收到另一个邀请，他会打电话给杰西，杰西可以作为他的替身。
Soon a letter arrived from The Letterman Show.
不久，莱特曼秀寄来了一封信。
Like a prop in some sort of old, 1960s, Barbra Streisand, Ryan O'Neal movie-- soon a letter arrives in the mail from The Letterman Show.
就像 20 世纪 60 年代芭芭拉·史翠珊 (Barbra Streisand) 和瑞恩·奥尼尔 (Ryan O'Neal) 主演的老电影中的道具一样，很快一封来自莱特曼秀 (The Letterman Show) 的信件寄来。
Pete kept to his promise.
皮特遵守了他的诺言。
Having Jess impersonate him on national television, as far as he was concerned, had two big appealing things to it.
就他而言，让杰西在国家电视台上模仿他有两大吸引人的地方。
Number one, Jess could get a free trip to New York, where Pete was living at the time, and the two of them could hang out.
第一，杰西可以免费去纽约旅行，皮特当时住在那里，他们两个可以出去玩。
And number two, free food.
第二，免费食物。
There'd be free food, an unimaginable quantity of it, backstage at The Letterman Show.
莱特曼秀的后台会提供免费食物，数量之多难以想象。
Pete would just tag along on the taping.
皮特只会跟着录音。
Because if there was going to be free food, then I was going to be right there beside him.
因为如果有免费食物，那么我就会在他身边。
And here, our saga begins.
在这里，我们的传奇开始了。
The Letterman Show was so excited to book Dishwasher Pete-- they had heard, after all, that he was impossible to get on TV-- that they talked to Jess, thinking that he's Pete, every day for a week.
《莱特曼秀》非常兴奋地预订了洗碗机皮特——毕竟，他们听说他不可能上电视——所以他们一周每天都和杰西交谈，认为他就是皮特。
And when a guest cancels out at the last minute for the TV show, they fly Jess to New York that very day.
当一位客人在最后一刻取消观看电视节目时，他们当天就用飞机将杰西飞往纽约。
He arrives.
他来了。
They tell him, "No, no, no, we don't need you." Put him up for a night in a hotel, send him back home.
他们告诉他：“不，不，不，我们不需要你。”让他在酒店住一晚，然后送他回家。
10 days later, fly him to New York again.
10天后，再次飞他到纽约。
I met him at the airport, and we rode into the city in a stretch limousine.
我在机场遇见了他，我们乘坐加长豪华轿车进城。
At the hotel, Jess was greeted grimly by the staff at the desk.
在酒店，杰西受到了前台工作人员冷酷的欢迎。
They remembered him from the week before when they had difficulties trying to squeeze a room deposit out of him.
他们还记得一周前的他，当时他们很难从他身上榨取房间押金。
They wanted a credit card.
他们想要一张信用卡。
He didn't have one.
他没有。
They wanted $150 cash.
他们想要 150 美元现金。
Jess didn't have it.
杰西没有。
With both parties frustrated, they had agreed on a $20 cash deposit.
由于双方都感到沮丧，他们同意支付 20 美元的现金押金。
But this time, Jess was determined to not even give up that much.
但这一次，杰西决心不会放弃那么多。
"Oh yeah, I remember you," the desk clerk grumbled.
“哦，是的，我记得你，”前台服务员抱怨道。
Jess told them that if they wanted a deposit, they'd have to get it from The Letterman Show.
杰西告诉他们，如果他们想要押金，就必须从莱特曼秀上获得。
When they called the show, whoever was on the other end, while saying that they would cover the deposit, apparently explained that Jess was a dishwasher.
当他们打电话给节目时，无论电话另一端是谁，在说他们将支付押金的同时，显然解释说杰西是一名洗碗机。
The clerk snorted, "Oh, is that what he does?" I emptied the candy dish into my pocket, and we went upstairs to our suite.
店员哼了一声：“哦，他就是这么做的吗？”我把糖果盘倒进口袋里，然后我们上楼回到我们的套房。
We spent the rest of the night goofing around in the hotel's gym and roaming about in our complimentary, pillowy, white robes, raiding food service trays left in the hallways.
那天晚上剩下的时间里，我们在酒店的健身房里闲逛，穿着免费的白色枕头漫步，掠夺走廊上留下的食品服务托盘。
I slept for only a couple of hours before getting up around 6:00 AM.
我只睡了几个小时，早上 6:00 左右就起床了。
Jess was still awake, writing letters.
杰西还没睡，正在写信。
Later in the morning, I went downtown to pick up my disguise, a suit.
早上晚些时候，我去市中心取了我的伪装服。
I slowly made my way back up to Midtown.
我慢慢地走回市中心。
When I reached the hotel room, Jess looked a bit worried, having just completed a series of phone calls with Letterman's staff.
当我到达酒店房间时，杰西看起来有点担心，她刚刚与莱特曼的工作人员打了一系列电话。
In the weeks prior, they had been asking Jess to send them more issues of Dishwasher.
几周前，他们一直要求杰西给他们寄更多的《洗碗机》杂志。
And while Jess kept telling them he would, he never did.
虽然杰西一直告诉他们他会的，但他从来没有这样做。
The more issues they had meant the more material Jess would be responsible for knowing as his own.
他们提出的问题越多，就意味着杰西需要负责了解更多属于他自己的材料。
But now, Jess had just learned, during the previous days, they had a researcher working to track down any information by or about me.
但现在，杰西刚刚得知，在前几天，他们有一名研究人员正在努力追踪我的或关于我的任何信息。
So he had no idea what they had come up with, what Jess would have to answer to.
所以他不知道他们想出了什么，杰西必须回答什么。
And worst of all, we didn't know if they had found a photo of me.
最糟糕的是，我们不知道他们是否找到了我的照片。
Before the phone could ring again, we took a few beers and snuck up onto the roof of the 55-story hotel.
在电话再次响起之前，我们喝了几杯啤酒，偷偷爬上了这家 55 层酒店的屋顶。
We sat up there devising alibis to explain why Jess was Pete even if a photo might identify me as Pete.
我们坐在那里设计不在场证据来解释为什么杰西是皮特，即使照片可能表明我是皮特。
Satisfied with our arsenal of defenses and hungry from fasting all day in preparation for the free eats, it was time to go.
我们对自己的防御手段感到满意，并且因整天禁食以准备免费食物而感到饥饿，是时候出发了。
We went downstairs to the awaiting limo with its thick-necked driver and thicker-necked bodyguard.
我们下楼来到等候的豪华轿车上，车上有粗脖子的司机和粗脖子的保镖。
The studio is right around the corner from the hotel.
一室公寓就位于酒店的拐角处。
The distance can be covered on foot in two or three minutes.
步行两三分钟即可走完这段距离。
And even I, with my slow pace and my need to check the pay phones for quarters, could have made the trek in five minutes.
即使是我，由于我的步伐缓慢，而且需要检查公用电话是否有硬币，也可以在五分钟内完成长途跋涉。
But with Midtown Manhattan's traffic locked in rush-hour gridlock and all the one-way streets working against us, it took a full half hour to make the trip in the limousine.
但由于曼哈顿中城的交通在高峰时段陷入拥堵，而且所有单行道都对我们不利，所以乘坐豪华轿车花了整整半个小时才到达目的地。
Outside the studio, a small crowd gathered around the limo, expecting a star to emerge.
工作室外面，一小群人聚集在豪华轿车周围，期待着一位明星的出现。
I had hoped Jess would appease the autograph seekers with signatures like Jacques Cousteau or Jesus Christ.
我曾希望杰西能用雅克·库斯托或耶稣基督等签名来安抚那些寻求签名的人。
But instead, he bolted from the car and blew right through the crowd, just like a real star.
但他却从车上冲了出来，冲破了人群，就像一个真正的明星一样。
Inside the building, we were shown around the stage before being led upstairs to the dressing room, where someone asked if we'd like a beer.
在大楼内，我们被带到了舞台周围，然后被带到楼上的更衣室，那里有人问我们是否想要一杯啤酒。
"Sure," Jess said.
“当然，”杰西说。
"How does a bunch of imported beer sound?" The offer was supposed to impress us, and the sad truth is we were impressed.
“一堆进口啤酒听起来怎么样？”这个提议本来应该给我们留下深刻的印象，但可悲的事实是我们留下了深刻的印象。
"Sounds good," Jess said.
“听起来不错，”杰西说。
"And what do you guys want to eat?
“那你们想吃什么？
I'll go down to the deli and get whatever you want." This offer caught us off guard, since we had assumed a full spread of food would have been awaiting us.
我去熟食店买你想要的东西。”这个提议让我们措手不及，因为我们以为会有全套食物在等着我们。
So we were unprepared to place an order.
所以我们没有准备好下订单。
And when Jess gave his simple request, "A cheese sandwich," I nearly screamed, "Anything.
当杰西提出简单的要求“一个奶酪三明治”时，我几乎尖叫起来，“任何东西都可以。
We could have anything from the deli."
我们可以从熟食店得到任何东西。”
"And a cheese sandwich for you, too?" she asked me.
“还有奶酪三明治给你吗？”她问我。
"Yeah," I said humbly, "but, you know, with a lot of things on it, vegetables and stuff." "Yeah, a lot of stuff on mine, too," Jess added.
“是的，”我谦虚地说，“但是，你知道，上面有很多东西，蔬菜之类的。” “是的，我身上也有很多东西，”杰西补充道。
As soon as she left, we closed the door, and I felt relieved that we survived that first hurdle with relative ease.
她一走，我们就关上了门，我松了口气，因为我们相对轻松地度过了第一个障碍。
Then, stealthily, Jess handed me a scrap of paper which read, "Hidden cameras, microphones," and gave me a "you never know" look.
然后，杰西偷偷地递给我一张纸条，上面写着“隐藏的摄像机、麦克风”，并给了我一个“你永远不知道”的表情。
We were soon passing notes and whispering.
我们很快就开始传递纸条并窃窃私语。
After only a few minutes of privacy, the talent coordinator entered.
仅仅几分钟的私密时间后，人才协调员就进来了。
She walked right up to me and said, "Pete?" I shook my head and pointed her in Jess's direction.
她径直走到我面前说：“皮特？”我摇摇头，把她指向杰西的方向。
She shook Jess's hand, but then turned back to me.
她握了杰西的手，然后又转向我。
"Wait a minute.
“等一下。
You're the guy in the photograph."
你就是照片上的那个人。”
Damn, they had dug up a picture of me.
该死，他们挖出了我的照片。
"He just poses for the photos sometimes," Jess said.
“他有时只是摆姿势拍照，”杰西说。
His explanation didn't dampen her suspicion, since she kept staring at me.
他的解释并没有消除她的怀疑，因为她一直盯着我看。
All I could say was, "He's Pete, not me.
我只能说：“他是皮特，不是我。
My name's Jerry." She was far from convinced.
我叫杰瑞。”她还远没有被说服。
"Really, guys.
“真的，伙计们。
What's going on here?" Simultaneously, Jess and I began rambling varied and conflicting stories.
这是怎么回事？”与此同时，杰西和我开始漫无目的地讲述各种相互矛盾的故事。
Apparently, we hadn't settled on exactly which alibi we would use.
显然，我们还没有确定要使用哪种不在场证明。
The whole mission was on the brink of doom, but somehow, we were able to confuse her to the point where she seemed resigned that, at this late stage, so close to show time, it was in her interest to remain ignorant.
整个任务正处于厄运的边缘，但不知何故，我们能够让她感到困惑，以至于她似乎已经辞职了，在这么晚的阶段，如此接近演出时间，保持无知才符合她的利益。
The interrogation ceased, while she made small talk with Jess.
审讯停止了，她和杰西闲聊起来。
After each question posed to Jess, she looked at me as if to gauge any reaction I may have had to Jess's responses.
在向杰西提出每个问题后，她都会看着我，好像是在评估我对杰西的回答可能有的反应。
I did my best to disappear from her thoughts.
我尽力从她的思绪中消失。
I remained silent, stared out the window, and feigned boredom.
我保持沉默，盯着窗外，假装无聊。
When the talent coordinator finally took a seat, she didn't sit on a chair like me or on the couch, proper like Jess.
当人才协调员最终坐下时，她没有像我一样坐在椅子上，也没有像杰西那样坐在沙发上。
Rather, she straddled the arm of the couch.
相反，她跨坐在沙发扶手上。
With the arm being much higher than the seat of the couch and with her wearing a miniskirt, there was suddenly plenty of eye-level, exposed flesh inches away from Jess's face.
由于手臂比沙发座高得多，而且她穿着迷你裙，杰西的脸突然出现了很多齐平、裸露的肉。
It didn't appear to be accidental.
这看起来并非偶然。
When her chitchat with Jess turned flirtatious, I realized she was trying to use her sex appeal to get him to relax.
当她与杰西的闲聊变得调情时，我意识到她正试图利用自己的性感来让他放松。
This tactic backfired.
这种策略适得其反。
Instead of being relaxed, Jess seemed uneasy with her presence and the attention she was giving him.
杰西不但没有放松，反而对她的存在和她给予他的关注感到不安。
He began to sweat.
他开始出汗。
The flirting continued for another 10 minutes until she unexpectedly turned her focus on me, asking about my life, who I was, what I did, where I was from.
调情又持续了10分钟，直到她出人意料地将注意力转向我，询问我的生活，我是谁，我做了什么，我来自哪里。
My alias was simple.
我的别名很简单。
Jerry, a graphic designer from Soho.
Jerry，苏荷区的一名平面设计师。
But the questions kept coming as if to trip me up, and I found myself struggling to explain who this Jerry character was.
但问题不断出现，好像让我绊倒，我发现自己很难解释这个杰瑞角色是谁。
When she finally seemed satisfied with my answers and returned her attention to Jess, I quietly breathed a sigh of relief.
当她最终似乎对我的回答感到满意并将注意力转回到杰西身上时，我悄悄地松了一口气。
Then the much-anticipated food arrived from the deli, and the talent coordinator left the room.
随后，大家期待已久的食物从熟食店送来，人才协调员离开了房间。
We hoped to relax with our eats, but no sooner had she left then in walked the segment producer.
我们希望吃点东西放松一下，但她一离开，片段制作人就走了进来。
The segment producer showed Jess six questions he had prepared for Letterman to ask and six prepared answers Letterman could expect to hear from Jess.
片段制片人向杰西展示了他为莱特曼准备的六个问题，以及莱特曼可能会从杰西那里听到的六个准备好的答案。
To make sure Jess would know what to say on the air, the segment producer had Jess study the prepared answers and then conducted a pop quiz.
为了确保杰西知道在广播中该说些什么，片段制作人让杰西研究准备好的答案，然后进行了一个小测验。
"OK, now say Letterman asks you question number three, how are you going to respond?" Suddenly, Jess was rehearsing lines.
“好吧，现在假设莱特曼问你第三个问题，你打算如何回答？”突然，杰西开始排练台词了。
All the while, I quietly ate my sandwich, and drank my beer, and watched the show on the monitor.
一直以来，我静静地吃着三明治，喝着啤酒，看着显示器上的节目。
With show time rapidly approaching, we left the dressing room and headed downstairs towards the stage.
随着演出时间的临近，我们离开更衣室，下楼走向舞台。
In the tiny green room beside the stage, we sat watching the show on the monitor until the segment producer announced it was finally time.
在舞台旁边的小绿色房间里，我们坐在显示器上观看演出，直到片段制作人宣布终于到了。
Jess rose, winked, and then disappeared.
杰西站起来，眨了眨眼睛，然后就消失了。
I made quick work in devouring the strawberries and grapes in a fruit bowl and was moving in on a plate of gourmet cookies when the television screen faded from black.
我很快就把水果盘里的草莓和葡萄吃完了，正准备吃一盘美味的饼干，这时电视屏幕从黑色消失了。
Suddenly, there was Jess without the obligatory walk-across-the-stage entrance, already sitting next to Letterman.
突然，杰西没有走过舞台入口，已经坐在了莱特曼旁边。
"Folks," Letterman said, "our next guest has spent the past 10 years working towards his ultimate goal, to wash dishes in every state in the Union.
“各位，”莱特曼说，“我们的下一位客人在过去 10 年里一直在努力实现他的最终目标，即在联邦每个州洗碗。
Here he is, a true American patriot, Dishwasher Pete." I dropped my cookie and laughed so hard, I slid off the couch.
他是一位真正的美国爱国者，洗碗机皮特。”我掉下了饼干，笑得很厉害，从沙发上滑了下来。
One of the other two people in the green room asked, "Is that your friend?"
绿色房间里的另外两个人之一问道：“那是你的朋友吗？”
"And that's really his goal?
“这真的是他的目标吗？
To wash dishes in all 50 states?"
在所有 50 个州洗碗？”
"Yeah." "That's very strange."
“是的。” “这很奇怪。”
"Yeah," I said again, but then realized this bozo was calling my friend Jess strange.
“是的，”我又说了一遍，但随后意识到这个笨蛋说我的朋友杰西很奇怪。
No, wait, he was calling me strange.
不，等等，他说我很奇怪。
I was confused for a moment, but then the chuckling overwhelmed me again, and I no longer cared.
我一时间有些困惑，但随后那笑声又淹没了我，我不再在意了。
Laughing almost nonstop, I caught almost none of the interview until I realized Letterman was steering Jess towards doing his Fire Hand trick.
我几乎笑个不停，几乎没有看到任何采访，直到我意识到莱特曼正在引导杰西表演他的火手戏法。
While Jess had lobbied the staff all along to let him do this trick, they had been so skeptical, I was sure they wouldn't allow him to do it.
虽然杰西一直游说工作人员让他做这个把戏，但他们一直持怀疑态度，我确信他们不会允许他这样做。
Now, Pete, as I understand, to while away sometimes the lonely hours in the kitchen, you've taught yourself sort of a little kind of a trick.
现在，皮特，据我所知，为了消磨厨房里的孤独时光，你自学了一些小技巧。
And from time to time on this show, we have something called Stupid Human Tricks.
在这个节目中，我们时不时会出现一些叫做“人类愚蠢的把戏”的东西。
And I think this falls right smack in the middle of that category.
我认为这恰好属于该类别的中间位置。
Well, yeah, actually-- David Letterman Licking the plates.
嗯，是的，实际上——大卫莱特曼舔盘子。
That's what it is.
就是这样。
You got to get free food, too.
你也必须获得免费食物。
They don't pay enough.
他们付出的钱还不够。
Yeah, one of the tricks that I learned was-- well, after an accident I had when I sliced my hand open-- I don't know if you can see a slight scar.
是的，我学到的技巧之一是——好吧，在我切开手时发生事故之后——我不知道你是否能看到轻微的疤痕。
Well, I don't know that we want to see the slice, Pete, but we'll take your word for it.
好吧，我不知道我们想看切片，皮特，但我们会相信你的话。
It's a five-and-a-half inch scar.
这是一个五英寸半的疤痕。
It's from slicing my hand open.
这是我的手被切开的结果。
I had nerve surgery.
我做了神经手术。
And my hand is dead.
我的手已经死了。
But I can still move it.
但我仍然可以移动它。
But I can light cigarettes and cigars by catching my hand on fire and putting them up to the smoking--
但我可以通过将我的手放在火上并将它们放在吸烟处来点燃香烟和雪茄--
He can catch his hand on fire.
他可以让他的手着火。
May we dim the lights, please?
我们可以把灯调暗吗？
The lights dimmed.
灯光暗了下来。
Letterman put a cigar in his mouth and failed to notice Jess lighting not his scarred left hand, but his right hand.
莱特曼把雪茄放进嘴里，没有注意到杰西点的不是他伤痕累累的左手，而是右手。
Jess thrust the flaming hand at Letterman's face who could only jump back in fright, his cigar unlit.
杰西将那只燃烧着的手伸向莱特曼的脸，莱特曼吓得向后跳了一步，他的雪茄没有点燃。
I got scared.
我害怕了。
I saw a guy with a dead, flaming hand lunging at me.
我看到一个人用一只死去的、燃烧着的手向我扑来。
I don't know.
我不知道。
It put me off.
这让我失望了。
Good luck to you, Pete.
祝你好运，皮特。
Seems like you're a very nice young man.
看来你是一个非常好的年轻人。
Thank you.
谢谢。
Thank you.
谢谢。
David Letterman Dishwasher Pete.
大卫莱特曼洗碗机皮特。
We'll be right back.
我们马上回来。
And then before I knew it, the show was over, and I was alone in the green room.
不知不觉间，演出就结束了，演员休息室里只剩下我一个人了。
Immediately, I pounced on the refrigerator, but it held no beer.
我立即扑向冰箱，但冰箱里没有啤酒。
In fact, there was nothing edible in the whole room besides the gourmet cookies.
事实上，整个房间里除了美味的饼干之外，就没有任何可以吃的东西了。
I was searching for a container to stash the cookies in when Jess poked his head through the door just long enough to say, "Hey, let's get out of here." "But wait, Jess," I yelled, "cookies." But he was gone.
我正在寻找一个容器来存放饼干，这时杰西从门里探出头来，说：“嘿，我们离开这里吧。” “但是等等，杰西，”我喊道，“饼干。”但他已经走了。
I grabbed as many cookies as I could cradle in my arms and caught up to him at the elevator.
我抓起尽可能多的饼干，抱在怀里，在电梯里追上了他。
Back upstairs, I rushed to the bathroom while Jess retrieved his stuff from the dressing room.
回到楼上，我冲进浴室，杰西则从更衣室取回他的东西。
We charged down the stairs, past Letterman's office, past his waiting minions, and finally, outside.
我们冲下楼梯，经过莱特曼的办公室，经过他等待的部下，最后到了外面。
Jess led the charge past the crowd, knocking aside at least one autograph book held out for him to sign.
杰西带头冲过人群，撞开了至少一本供他签名的签名簿。
People were shouting my name.
人们喊着我的名字。
Excited, I assumed there was some friends in the crowd.
我很兴奋，以为人群中有一些朋友。
But then I saw a pack of frat boys emerge from the mass and rush towards Jess.
但随后我看到一群兄弟会男孩从人群中出现，冲向杰西。
"Pete, Pete," they yelled.
“皮特，皮特，”他们喊道。
Terrified, Jess dove in the limousine and slammed the door.
杰西吓坏了，跳进豪华轿车并关上车门。
The following day, Letterman's staff found out that they'd been duped when several curious friends called the show to find out what had happened.
第二天，当几个好奇的朋友给节目打电话询问发生了什么事时，莱特曼的工作人员发现他们被骗了。
For a couple of weeks, we weren't sure if we were going to see the $500 they owed us for the appearance.
几周以来，我们都不确定是否能看到他们因这次出场而欠我们的 500 美元。
But as it turned out, The Letterman Show was eager to bury the whole incident with as little fuss or publicity as possible.
但事实证明，《莱特曼秀》急于以尽可能少的大惊小怪或宣传来掩盖整个事件。
So we were paid without having to raise a ruckus.
所以我们不用吵闹就得到了报酬。
Now The Letterman Show officially has no comment about Dishwasher Pete.
现在莱特曼秀官方对洗碗机皮特没有发表任何评论。
Dishwasher Pete's story about The Letterman Show appears in the zine Dishwasher.
洗碗机皮特关于《莱特曼秀》的故事出现在杂志《洗碗机》中。
If you want to get a copy, you can write to this address.
如果您想获取副本，可以写信至此地址。
Grab a pen.
拿起一支笔。
Dishwasher, PO Box 8213, Portland, Oregon, 97207.
洗碗机，邮政信箱 8213，波特兰，俄勒冈州，97207。
What do you sacrifice when you change your name?
改名后你会牺牲什么？
What do you give up when you take on another, more reckless identity?
当你接受另一个更鲁莽的身份时，你会放弃什么？
We carry this question with us into the next act.
我们将这个问题带入下一幕。
Act Four, Nom De Plume, Nom De Guerre.
第四幕，Nom De Plume，Nom De Guerre。
One of the most original music writers in this country does not write for the mainstream magazines like Spin or Rolling Stone.
这个国家最具原创性的音乐作家之一并不为《旋转》或《滚石》等主流杂志撰稿。
In fact, he doesn't write for magazines at all.
事实上，他根本不为杂志撰稿。
His "name"-- and I'm putting name in quotes here because it's not his real name-- is Camden Joy.
他的“名字”——我在这里把名字加引号，因为这不是他的真名——是卡姆登·乔伊。
He prints his opinions on posters which he plasters all over New York and publishes in little pamphlets with titles like "The Lost Manifestos of Camden Joy."
他将自己的观点印在海报上，张贴在纽约各地，并以小册子的形式出版，标题为“卡姆登·乔伊失落的宣言”。
Regular listeners may remember hearing him on our Frank Sinatra show.
普通听众可能还记得在我们的弗兰克·辛纳屈 (Frank Sinatra) 节目中听到过他。
He wrote a story for us about watching the movie The Manchurian Candidate on a TV in a kabob restaurant with a bunch of cabbies.
他为我们写了一个故事，讲述在一家烤肉店里和一群出租车司机在电视上观看电影《满洲候选人》的故事。
Sarah Vowell, one of our contributing editors, is a music critic herself and went to New York to find out more about Camden Joy, the man, the myth.
莎拉·沃威尔（Sarah Vowell）是我们的特约编辑之一，她本人也是一名音乐评论家，她前往纽约了解更多关于卡姆登·乔伊（Camden Joy）这个男人和神话的信息。
I'm a sucker for a condensed, exaggerated emotion.
我很喜欢浓缩、夸张的情感。
Its what made me fall for rock and roll in the first place.
这首先是让我爱上摇滚乐的原因。
And Camden Joy's manifestos work like good pop songs.
卡姆登·乔伊的宣言就像优秀的流行歌曲一样。
Each one short, crisp, and strange.
每一篇都短小、清脆、陌生。
Reading his bizarre claim that Paul Simon's Graceland was the best album of the 1980s, that a Mekon's cassette saved his life, that he, Camden Joy, should father Madonna's baby, that an obscure, little group called Yo La Tengo are "great, like Chinese food," I felt like there was no one in the world who cared more about what guitars and drums can do.
读到他奇怪的说法，比如 Paul Simon 的《Graceland》是 20 世纪 80 年代最好的专辑，Mekon 的录音带救了他的命，他，Camden Joy，应该是麦当娜的孩子的父亲，一个名叫 Yo La Tengo 的不起眼的小团体“很棒，就像中国菜一样”，我觉得世界上没有人比他更关心吉他和鼓的功能了。
One of my favorites dealt with the global economic impact of the Indie band, Pavement.
我最喜欢的作品之一涉及独立乐队 Pavement 对全球经济的影响。
It goes like this.
事情是这样的。
"I hereby suggest that the American president and all them trade reps haul Pavement to the trade talks.
“我在此建议美国总统和所有贸易代表将帕夫门特拉到贸易谈判中。
They are our grandest export, our finest product, infusable in hot weather, our best materials.
它们是我们最大的出口产品、我们最好的产品、在炎热天气下可注射的产品、我们最好的材料。
Pavement should be carried on our shoulders, and emblazoned on our backs, and ushered onto waiting planes at the last minute with an almost effete, deliberate importance, their bellies bloated with our very best meats."
人行道应该扛在我们的肩上，印在我们的背上，在最后一刻以一种近乎虚弱的、刻意的重要性引导他们登上等待的飞机，他们的肚子里装满了我们最好的肉。”
Charles Aaron, an editor at Spin, remembers stumbling upon the Pavement piece as an orange handbill on a telephone pole by his Brooklyn subway stop.
Spin 的编辑查尔斯·亚伦 (Charles Aaron) 记得，他在布鲁克林地铁站的电线杆上偶然发现了《Pavement》这篇文章，它是一张橙色传单。
It was the first time he saw one of Joy's posters.
这是他第一次看到乔伊的海报。
The headline just said, "Pavement."
标题只是说：“人行道”。
And I couldn't imagine that it was really about the band, Pavement.
我无法想象这真的是关于Pavement乐队的。
I thought it was maybe about a paving company or something.
我以为这可能是关于铺路公司之类的。
But then I read it, and it was this impassioned review of, I think, their Crooked Rain album, and also about how magnetic and awe-inspiring Steve Malkmus, the singer, was.
但后来我读到了这篇文章，我认为这是对他们的《Crooked Rain》专辑的热情评论，也是对歌手史蒂夫·马尔克穆斯 (Steve Malkmus) 的魅力和令人敬畏的评论。
And it wasn't that well written a review, but it was so impassioned.
这篇评论写得不是很好，但很热情。
And as it went to the end, it became more like a stalker letter.
随着它的结束，它变得更像是一封跟踪信。
And I knew that at one point Steve Malkmus had lived in the neighborhood, and I started to get worried that this was someone who was stalking him.
我知道史蒂夫·马尔克姆斯曾经住在附近，我开始担心有人在跟踪他。
And so I almost wanted to take it down.
所以我几乎想把它拿下来。
It was disturbing.
这令人不安。
It was funny though.
不过这很有趣。
It was possibly a joke.
这可能是个玩笑。
It seemed less like a joke.
这看起来不像是一个笑话。
It seemed more disturbing than a joke.
这似乎比一个笑话更令人不安。
Probably a couple weeks later, I was coming back home from the laundromat.
大概几周后，我从自助洗衣店回家。
And this time, I was staring down at the ground, and there was another one, long, impassioned review veering into stalker-like comments about Yo La Tengo.
这一次，我低头盯着地面，又看到了一篇长篇、充满激情的评论，转向对 Yo La Tengo 的跟踪狂般的评论。
These were not the most well-known bands in the world.
这些乐队并不是世界上最知名的乐队。
And I just couldn't understand where these handbills could possibly be coming from.
我只是不明白这些传单可能来自哪里。
I felt like I was one of, maybe, 5 to 10 people in this zip code who would actually know who these bands were.
我觉得我是这个邮政编码中可能真正知道这些乐队是谁的 5 到 10 个人之一。
It got to the point where I felt like someone was planting them for me to find.
到了这种地步，我感觉好像有人在种植它们供我寻找。
No, I don't.
不，我不。
And people have refused to tell me.
人们拒绝告诉我。
I guess because I seem interested.
我猜是因为我看起来很感兴趣。
If I was disinterested, they would probably tell me right out.
如果我不感兴趣，他们可能会立即告诉我。
But they see that I'm semi-fascinated, so they want to keep the myth going.
但他们看到我有点着迷，所以他们想让这个神话继续下去。
So Camden Joy or whoever you are, can you tell me how long you've been Camden Joy?
那么卡姆登·乔伊或者无论你是谁，你能告诉我你成为卡姆登·乔伊多久了吗？
I've been Camden Joy for about four years.
我担任卡姆登·乔伊大约四年了。
What's your real first name?
你的真实名字是什么？
Camden Joy My real first name is Tom.
卡姆登·乔伊 我的真名是汤姆。
Tom.
汤姆.
How do I know you're telling me the truth?
我怎么知道你说的是实话？
He says he decided on the name Camden when he was visiting Trenton, New Jersey.
他说，卡姆登这个名字是他在访问新泽西州特伦顿时决定的。
He says he went there looking for the darkest, most depressing American city.
他说他去那里是为了寻找美国最黑暗、最压抑的城市。
But the locals had this advice.
但当地人有这样的建议。
"You really should go down to Camden."
“你真的应该去卡姆登。”
Camden, New Jersey?
新泽西州卡姆登？
Camden Joy Camden, New Jersey.
卡姆登·乔伊·卡姆登，新泽西州。
And I said, "Why?" And they said, "Well, it's a lot like Trenton, but without all the thrills."
我说：“为什么？”他们说：“嗯，这很像特伦顿，但没有那么多刺激。”
He claims that calling himself Camden opened a window, that it gave him permission to experiment with his writing, to say whatever he wanted, to be whoever he wanted.
他声称，称自己为卡姆登打开了一扇窗，这让他得以尝试自己的写作，说任何他想说的话，成为任何他想成为的人。
Doesn't Tom have a real job?
汤姆没有真正的工作吗？
Camden Joy Yes.
卡姆登·乔伊 是的。
What does Tom do?
汤姆做什么？
Camden Joy Well, right now, Tom works as a word processor.
卡姆登·乔伊 嗯，现在，汤姆的工作是一名文字处理器。
I feel like I'm talking to Sybil or something.
我感觉我正在和西比尔什么的说话。
So at Tom's job, where does he process words?
那么在汤姆的工作中，他在哪里处理文字呢？
Tom?
汤姆？
At a world-famous law firm in New York City.
在纽约市一家世界著名的律师事务所。
And do the world-famous lawyers, do they address Tom as "Tom"?
那些世界著名的律师，他们称呼汤姆为“汤姆”吗？
Yes, they do.
是的，他们确实这么做了。
Sarah Vowell And do they know about Camden?
莎拉·沃威尔 他们知道卡姆登吗？
Do they know Tom's dirty, little secret?
他们知道汤姆肮脏的小秘密吗？
They could care less.
他们可以不在乎。
If I went in there and I said, "Yeah, I'll type your lousy deposition, but can I tell you while I'm doing this what a world-important artist I am?" That wouldn't really be conducive to a good work environment.
如果我进去说：“是的，我会打印你糟糕的证词，但是我可以在我这样做的时候告诉你我是一个多么重要的世界艺术家吗？”这实际上不利于创造良好的工作环境。
Does Tom dress differently?
汤姆的穿着有什么不同吗？
Does Tom wear different clothes than Camden?
汤姆穿的衣服和卡姆登穿的衣服不一样吗？
I know Camden obviously must wear a cape.
我知道卡姆登显然必须披斗篷。
No, they share a lot.
不，他们有很多共同点。
They share toothbrushes and clothes.
他们共用牙刷和衣服。
They sleep on the same pillows.
他们睡在同一个枕头上。
Now say you're at a party.
现在假设你正在参加一个聚会。
And you're introducing yourself to someone.
你正在向某人介绍自己。
Who do you say?
你说谁？
Do you say, "Hi, I'm Camden Joy," or do you say, "Hi, I'm Tom Doe," or whatever?
你会说“嗨，我是卡姆登·乔伊”，还是说“嗨，我是汤姆·多伊”，或者其他什么？
I, ah-- I-- I ah-- hmmm.
我啊——我——我啊——嗯。
Sarah Vowell Joy is such a trickster and so accustomed to playing around with personae and hyperbole that by the end of the time I spent with him, I no longer trusted a word he said.
莎拉·沃威尔·乔伊是个骗子，习惯于玩弄人物和夸张，以至于在我和他在一起的最后一段时间里，我不再相信他说的任何一句话。
His poster campaign while I was there sort of frightened me.
我在那里的时候他的海报活动让我有点害怕。
It's one thing for a man to verbally stalk the lead singer of Pavement.
一个男人口头上跟踪人行道的主唱是一回事。
It's something else to stalk his ex-girlfriend.
跟踪他的前女友是另一回事。
It was Valentine's Day.
那天是情人节。
And the posters ranted against the phone company, claiming that his girlfriend broke up with him because he couldn't call her.
这些海报还对电话公司进行了攻击，声称他的女朋友因为他无法给她打电话而与他分手。
He says he couldn't find a pay phone that worked.
他说他找不到可用的公用电话。
And when he did, he was out of change.
当他这样做的时候，他就没有变化了。
We had a little debate in front of this poster in Soho.
我们在 Soho 的这张海报前进行了一些辩论。
So it's your theory that you tape up all over town these paranoid rants against the phone company.
所以你的理论是你把这些针对电话公司的偏执的咆哮贴满了整个城镇。
And that's what brings the women to your door.
这就是吸引女性来到您家门口的原因。
It's never proven false yet.
它从未被证明是错误的。
You go into bars.
你走进酒吧。
I see guys doing this all the time.
我经常看到有人这样做。
They go into bars, and they explain that their hands are freezing cold and they're suffering from frostbite because they've been up all night postering to their last girlfriend.
他们走进酒吧，解释说他们的手很冷，而且冻伤了，因为他们整夜没睡，给上一个女朋友张贴海报。
And time and again, these are the guys that leave the bar accompanied not just by one, but by many, many women.
一次又一次，这些男人离开酒吧时，不仅有一个人，而且还有很多很多女人。
So this woman is going to read the phrase, what, "I was trying to use the pay phone, but my hands, slick from pizza grease, only shined the receiver and could not lift it from the cradle." You think women want boys whose hands are slick from pizza grease, that that's the boys they want?
所以这个女人会读这句话，“我试图使用公用电话，但我的手被披萨油脂弄得光滑，只擦亮了听筒，无法将其从支架上提起。”你认为女人想要那些手上沾满披萨油脂的男孩，那就是她们想要的男孩吗？
This last girlfriend of mine, pizza grease was a catch-all thing that we would-- I don't want to get too specific, but I would say that pizza grease, it's a lubricant, I think I could say.
我的最后一个女朋友，披萨油脂是我们想要的包罗万象的东西——我不想说得太具体，但我想说披萨油脂，它是一种润滑剂，我想我可以说。
And it's certainly a lubricant of the heart in this case.
在这种情况下，它无疑是心脏的润滑剂。
A lubricant of the heart?
心脏的润滑剂？
Camden Joy Yeah, what I'm saying here is that I'm a man.
卡姆登·乔伊：是的，我在这里想说的是，我是一个男人。
I'm a man, and I have an appetite.
我是个男人，我有胃口。
Later, when I tell Joy that his stalker impulses towards his ex-girlfriend make me nervous, he tells me that the whole thing, even the weirdest poster called Camden's Conspiracy Hearts, was just a big put-on art project and that he and the woman parted amiably.
后来，当我告诉乔伊，他对前女友的跟踪冲动让我感到紧张时，他告诉我整件事，甚至是最奇怪的海报《卡姆登的阴谋之心》，都只是一个大型的艺术项目，他和那个女人友好地分手了。
Then when I ask if I could corroborate this with her, he says that there was no single woman, just a composite of several women.
然后当我问我是否可以向她证实这一点时，他说没有单一的女性，而是几个女性的复合体。
Here I was, drawn to Joy's writing because I thought it was so emotionally raw, so embarrassingly honest, when really, it's a web of fictions.
我被乔伊的写作所吸引，因为我认为它的情感如此原始，如此诚实，令人尴尬，而实际上，它是一个虚构的网络。
This was interesting and exasperating.
这很有趣也很令人恼火。
But it gets even more complicated.
但情况变得更加复杂。
There's another name that I'm writing under right now, too.
我现在也用另一个名字来写作。
Now wait a minute.
现在等一下。
What does this person write?
这个人写什么？
Is he a journalist, the other guy?
另一个人是记者吗？
The third man?
第三个人？
The third man.
第三个人。
There was a third man.
还有第三个人。
He roams freely amongst the different things.
他在不同的事物之间自由地漫游。
What does that mean?
这意味着什么？
Tell me what he writes.
告诉我他写了什么。
He writes poetry and some rather poetic music reviews, I suppose.
我想他写诗和一些相当诗意的音乐评论。
Oh, poetic music reviews.
哦，诗意的音乐评论。
Camden Joy Poetic music reviews.
卡姆登·乔伊诗意的音乐评论。
I know that sounds awful.
我知道这听起来很糟糕。
What rhymes with Elvis?
与猫王押韵的是什么？
No, just kidding.
不，只是开玩笑。
Purple.
紫色的。
Sarah Vowell Well, the other day you told me you were at a Pavement show, and you were picking up on some girl.
莎拉·沃威尔（Sarah Vowell） 嗯，有一天你告诉我你在参加人行道表演，并且正在勾搭某个女孩。
What name did you give her?
你给她起了什么名字？
Camden.
卡姆登。
Sarah Vowell Camden.
莎拉·沃威尔·卡姆登。
And she took your word for it?
她相信你的话吗？
Yeah.
是的。
We should point out that I wasn't successful in any way.
我们应该指出，我在任何方面都没有成功。
And it could be that Tom could have been far more successful.
汤姆可能会取得更大的成功。
Maybe Tom should have gone back and tried again.
也许汤姆应该回去再试一次。
It wasn't just that I didn't successfully pick up on this woman, but that--
不仅仅是我没有成功勾搭上这个女人，而是——
One telling way to sum up the difference between Camden and Tom is examining their attitudes about Freedy Johnston.
总结卡姆登和汤姆之间差异的一个有效方法是检查他们对弗里迪·约翰斯顿的态度。
Camden devoted his cruelest manifesto to the folk rocker, spewing, "I would crawl through glass to claw your eyes.
卡姆登向这位民谣摇滚歌手发表了他最残酷的宣言，他滔滔不绝地说：“我会爬过玻璃去抓你的眼睛。
I would offer a hug if my suit were explosive."
如果我的宇航服爆炸了，我会拥抱一下。”
I think Tom would hear Freedy Johnston playing on the muzak of a store like Bed Bath & Beyond, and this sort of occurrence would just make his shoulders droop a bit.
我想汤姆会听到 Freedy Johnston 在 Bed Bath & Beyond 这样的商店里演奏背景音乐，这种情况只会让他的肩膀有点下垂。
And he'd go, "Darn it, he used to be so good.
他会说：“该死，他以前真是太棒了。
Darn it, I wonder what happened to him." Tom is a person who has felt often absent of opinions and often a little bit excluded by things.
该死的，我想知道他出了什么事。”汤姆是一个经常感到缺乏意见并且经常被事物排斥的人。
And Camden is desperately trying to make up for that by coming up with rather fanciful and wild opinions often woven out of complete insanity.
卡姆登正拼命地想弥补这一点，提出了一些相当奇特和疯狂的观点，这些观点往往是完全疯狂的。
Good writing, which is to say, real communication, lies somewhere between Tom's lack of opinions and Camden's surplus of them.
好的写作，也就是说，真正的沟通，介于汤姆缺乏观点和卡姆登过剩之间。
When you take on a new name, when you split yourself into two people like that, you think the new name's going to make things easier.
当你采用新名字时，当你像这样将自己分成两个人时，你会认为新名字会让事情变得更容易。
But what actually happens is that your life becomes twice as complex.
但实际发生的是，你的生活变得更加复杂。
It's almost as if the two alter egos need an introduction, as if they need someone to walk up and say, "Camden, I'd like you to meet Tom.
就好像这两个不同的自我需要一个介绍，就好像他们需要有人走上来说：“卡姆登，我想让你认识一下汤姆。
Tom, this is Camden Joy."
汤姆，这是卡姆登·乔伊。”
Well, our program was produced today by Nancy Updike and myself with Peter Clowney and Alix Spiegel.
嗯，我们今天的节目是由南希·厄普代克和我、彼得·克劳尼和阿利克斯·斯皮格尔共同制作的。
Contributing editors Sarah Vowell, Paul Tough, Jack Hitt, and Margy Rochlin.
特约编辑 Sarah Vowell、Paul Tough、Jack Hitt 和 Margy Rochlin。
Production help today from Kristina Stevens and from WDUQ Pittsburgh.
今天，克里斯蒂娜·史蒂文斯 (Kristina Stevens) 和 WDUQ 匹兹堡 (WDUQ Pittsburgh) 为制作提供帮助。
If you'd like a copy of this program, it only costs $10.
如果您想要该程序的副本，只需花费 10 美元。
Call us at WBEZ in Chicago, 312-832-3380, 312-832-3380.
请致电芝加哥 WBEZ，电话：312-832-3380、312-832-3380。
Our email address, [email protected] .
我们的电子邮件地址，[电子邮件受保护]。
[FUNDING CREDITS] WBEZ management oversight by Torey Malatia, who reminds you--
[资金来源] WBEZ 管理监督由 Torey Malatia 负责，他提醒您——
Imperial Sesame Street Polish Kielbasa, it better than cookie.
帝国芝麻街波兰基尔巴萨，它比饼干更好。
I'm Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯。
Back next week with more stories of This American Life .
下周我们将带来更多《美国生活》的故事。
But wait, Jess, cookies.
但是等等，杰西，饼干。
This American Life This American Life is produced in collaboration with WBEZ Chicago and delivered to stations by PRX The Public Radio Exchange.
This American Life This American Life 与 WBEZ Chicago 合作制作，并由 PRX 公共广播电台传送到各电台。