550: Three Miles - This American Life
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00:00 00:00 Transcript Share This American Life Life Partners How to Listen Episodes Recommended About Overview Staff Announcements Fellowships Jobs Music Make Radio On The Road FAQ Submissions Merch Contact Us Our Other Shows Merch Follow Us Life Partners Subscribe to our newsletter Full episode Toggle Audio and Transcript Sync Transcript | Episode #550 | September 9, 2022 550: Three Miles Note: This American Life is produced for the ear and designed to be heard.
00:00 00:00 文字记录 分享此 美国生活 生活伙伴 如何收听 剧集 推荐 关于 概述 员工公告 奖学金 工作 音乐 在路上制作电台 常见问题解答 提交 商品 联系我们 我们的其他节目 商品 关注我们 生活伙伴 订阅我们的时事通讯 整集 切换音频和文字记录同步 文字记录 | 内容第 550 集 | 2022 年 9 月 9 日 550：三英里 注意：《美国生活》是为耳朵而制作的，旨在让人们听到。
If you are able, we strongly encourage you to listen to the audio, which includes emotion and emphasis that's not on the page.
如果可以的话，我们强烈建议您收听音频，其中包括页面上没有的情感和重点。
Transcripts are generated using a combination of speech recognition software and human transcribers, and may contain errors.
文字记录是使用语音识别软件和人工转录员结合生成的，可能包含错误。
Please check the corresponding audio before quoting in print.
请在印刷版引用前检查相应的音频。
Prologue Ira Glass Hey there, everybody.
序言 Ira Glass 大家好。
Ira Glass here.
艾拉·格拉斯在这里。
It's This American Life from WBEZ Chicago.
这就是 WBEZ 芝加哥的《美国生活》。
I'm just here for a minute to say we have a special show for you today.
我来这里只是想告诉大家今天我们有一场特别的表演。
One of our producers, Chana Joffe-Walt, has been reporting a lot on education and schools.
我们的制作人之一查纳·乔夫-沃尔特 (Chana Joffe-Walt) 一直在报道很多有关教育和学校的内容。
And three years ago, she did this story that's about a part of education that everybody knows about, but I think we do not talk about much at all, not in a way that feels like anything.
三年前，她写了这个故事，内容是关于每个人都知道的教育的一部分，但我认为我们根本没有谈论太多，也没有以一种感觉上的方式谈论任何事情。
And this is one of my favorite shows we've ever done and full of surprise turns and twists.
这是我们做过的我最喜欢的节目之一，充满了惊喜和曲折。
And I don't want to waste any more time here setting this up, so I'm just going to hand over the show to Chana so we can get to it.
我不想再浪费时间在这里进行设置，所以我将把演出交给查纳，这样我们就可以开始了。
Here she is.
她在这里。
In 2005, Lisa and Angela were part of a program that brought their two schools together, sort of a classroom exchange.
2005 年，丽莎和安吉拉参加了一个将两所学校联合起来的项目，类似于课堂交流。
Kids from Lisa's school would see Angela's school and vice versa.
丽莎学校的孩子会看到安吉拉的学校，反之亦然。
They thought their students would get a lot out of meeting each other and learning about one another's schools because their students spend their school days in two very different places.
他们认为他们的学生会从彼此见面并了解彼此的学校中获益匪浅，因为他们的学生在两个截然不同的地方度过上学时光。
Lisa Greenbaum's school, University Heights High School, is a public school.
丽莎·格林鲍姆的学校大学高地高中是一所公立学校。
It's 97% black and Hispanic.
97% 是黑人和西班牙裔。
It's located in the poorest congressional district in the country, the South Bronx.
它位于该国最贫穷的国会选区南布朗克斯。
Angela Vassos' school, Fieldston, is also in the Bronx.
安吉拉·瓦索斯 (Angela Vassos) 的学校菲尔德斯顿 (Fieldston) 也在布朗克斯区。
But it's one of New York City's elite private schools.
但它是纽约市的精英私立学校之一。
It's 70% white.
70%是白色的。
It's known as a progressive school.
它被称为进步学校。
One in five kids gets financial aid, which is helpful because last year tuition was $43,000.
五分之一的孩子获得经济援助，这很有帮助，因为去年的学费为 43,000 美元。
These two schools were three miles from each other, but the students basically needed a foreign exchange program to meet each other.
这两所学校相距三英里，但学生们基本上需要通过外汇交流项目才能见面。
The teachers started by having their students write letters to each other.
老师们首先让学生互相写信。
They were pen pals for a while, which was going well.
他们曾是一段时间的笔友，进展顺利。
And then Lisa and Angela planned a time to get them together.
然后丽莎和安吉拉计划了一个时间让他们聚在一起。
Lisa, the public school teacher, says the moment her kids got off the bus at Fieldston, the private school, they had a dramatic reaction to what they saw.
公立学校老师丽莎说，当她的孩子们在私立学校菲尔德斯顿下车时，他们对所看到的一切做出了戏剧性的反应。
They couldn't believe the campus.
他们简直不敢相信这个校园。
They felt like everyone was looking at them.
他们感觉所有人都在看着他们。
And one of the students started screaming and crying.
其中一名学生开始尖叫和哭泣。
Like, this is unfair.
就像，这不公平。
This is-- I don't want to be here.
这是——我不想呆在这里。
I'm leaving.
我要走了。
I'm leaving right now.
我现在就离开。
I'm going home.
我要回家了。
We were like, Melanie, it's OK.
我们说，梅兰妮，没关系。
You should stay with the group.
你应该留在团队里。
Let's talk, you know?
我们来谈谈吧，你知道吗？
Some context, University Heights, the public school these kids were coming from, it's small and friendly.
一些背景，大学高地，这些孩子来自的公立学校，它小而友好。
There are no metal detectors.
没有金属探测器。
But it's a public school in a poor neighborhood.
但这是一所位于贫困社区的公立学校。
The kids share a building and a gym with another school.
孩子们与另一所学校共用一栋大楼和一个健身房。
The private school, Fieldston, has an 18-acre campus on a hill.
私立学校 Fieldston 在山上拥有占地 18 英亩的校园。
Stone buildings are connected by landscaped paths.
石头建筑由景观小径连接。
Every few windows is the size of a garage door.
每隔几扇窗户就有车库门那么大。
There's a dance studio, an art gallery, a pool.
这里有一个舞蹈室、一个艺术画廊、一个游泳池。
So on that first day, the public school kids, almost all of them Puerto Rican and Dominican kids from the South Bronx, walk onto the campus, look around at the quad, the trees, see the school's mission etched into the stone arches.
因此，在第一天，公立学校的孩子们，几乎都是来自南布朗克斯的波多黎各和多米尼加孩子，走进校园，环顾四周的庭院、树木，看到学校的使命刻在石拱门上。
Angela, the private school teacher from Fieldston, came to greet them and immediately noticed that one of the girls seemed upset.
来自菲尔德斯顿的私立学校老师安吉拉过来迎接他们，立即注意到其中一个女孩似乎很不安。
And I went over to talk to her, as did Lisa.
我走过去和她说话，丽莎也一样。
And she jumped up and she said, we've got to get out of here.
她跳起来说，我们必须离开这里。
We've got to get out of here.
我们必须离开这里。
We've got to get out of here.
我们必须离开这里。
And I thought it was a joke at the beginning.
而且一开始我还以为这是个玩笑。
I didn't realize, you know?
我没意识到，你知道吗？
And it really was-- I mean, she went white, like completely white, you know?
确实是——我的意思是，她变白了，就像完全变白了，你知道吗？
Blood drained from her face.
血从她脸上流干。
And her friend was holding her and saying, calm down, Melanie.
她的朋友抱着她说，冷静点，梅兰妮。
Calm down, Melanie.
冷静点，梅兰妮。
So it was just an awful situation.
所以这真是一个糟糕的情况。
None of us had anticipated such a strong reaction.
我们谁都没有预料到会有如此强烈的反应。
There are hundreds of programs right now that are trying to do some version of this exchange program to help people connect across a growing divide.
目前有数百个项目正在尝试执行此交换项目的某些版本，以帮助人们跨越日益扩大的鸿沟建立联系。
For a lot of students, American public schools are more segregated than they were a generation ago, not less.
对于很多学生来说，美国公立学校的种族隔离程度比上一代人更加严重，而不是更少。
The gap between rich and poor is wider than it's been since the Great Depression.
贫富差距比大萧条以来的差距更大。
Basically, whatever gap you hear about-- income gap, achievement gap, racial divide-- these two groups of kids from University Heights and Fieldston exist on opposite sides.
基本上，无论你听到什么差距——收入差距、成就差距、种族鸿沟——这两组来自大学高地和菲尔德斯顿的孩子都存在对立面。
And just seeing across that divide, something so many of us never do, can be incredibly powerful.
我们很多人从未做过的事情，只是看到了跨越鸿沟的力量，就会产生难以置信的力量。
In this case, from the very first few minutes, it was definitely dramatic.
在这种情况下，从最初的几分钟开始，这绝对是戏剧性的。
This incident when the kids visited Fieldston happened 10 years ago.
孩子们访问菲尔德斯顿时发生的这件事发生在十年前。
And I heard this story from so many different people-- the teachers, kids from both schools.
我从很多不同的人那里听到了这个故事——老师、两所学校的孩子们。
Allison Roland was a junior at the private school, Fieldston, at the time.
艾莉森·罗兰当时是菲尔德斯顿私立学校的三年级学生。
She remembers the girl who freaked out.
她记得那个吓坏了的女孩。
People were like, what happened?
人们就像，发生了什么事？
That was weird.
这很奇怪。
But nobody really-- it was very behind the scenes.
但实际上没有人——这是在幕后进行的。
Even more, she remembers the feeling she had seeing the girl freak out, feeling helpless.
更重要的是，她记得自己看到女孩惊慌失措、无助的感觉。
It's uncomfortable when you can't help someone not be uncomfortable.
当你无法帮助某人摆脱不舒服的感觉时，就会感到不舒服。
No one wants to feel like they're on the hill school on the top of the hill, and there are people-- it's uncomfortable.
没有人愿意感觉自己是在山顶的山上学校，而且还有人——这很不舒服。
But at the same time, I totally understood where she was coming from in terms of it is messed up.
但与此同时，我完全理解她从哪里来的，因为事情一团糟。
It's crazy.
太疯狂了。
Our educations have been so drastically different, and that's completely unfair.
我们的教育差异如此之大，这是完全不公平的。
But what do you do in the moment when you're still a high school student, and you don't have the power-- like I don't have a degree.
但是，当你还是一名高中生时，你没有权力，就像我没有学位一样，你会做什么。
I couldn't become a politician in that moment and change-- I don't know.
在那一刻我无法成为一名政治家并做出改变——我不知道。
Making change just takes a long time.
做出改变需要很长时间。
A lot of Fieldston students do go on to be politicians, and run Walt Disney and the New York Times, and host evening news programs, and design major American cities.
许多菲尔德斯顿的学生后来都成为了政治家，经营华特迪士尼和纽约时报，主持晚间新闻节目，设计美国主要城市。
And part of the point of programs like these that try to bridge the divide is-- seeing as the private school kids will likely go on to be important, influential people, maybe write education policy or finance new businesses-- it's good for them to know not everybody's life looks like theirs.
此类试图弥合分歧的项目的部分目的是——鉴于私立学校的孩子可能会继续成为重要的、有影响力的人，也许会制定教育政策或为新企业提供资金——对他们来说，知道并不是每个人的生活都像他们的那样是有好处的。
But of course, then there's the question, what do the public school kids get out of it?
当然，还有一个问题，公立学校的孩子们能从中得到什么？
Right now, there's a popular idea in education-- it pops up all over the place-- about exposure, that exposure is particularly important for poor kids-- not just important, that it can change destinies.
现在，教育界有一个流行的观念——到处都在流行——关于接触，接触对贫困的孩子来说尤其重要——不仅重要，还可以改变命运。
You know, you take a group of kids to tour a college campus, they'll be more likely to go to college.
你知道，你带一群孩子参观大学校园，他们更有可能上大学。
Or if you just know someone who went to college, that'll help.
或者，如果您认识一个上过大学的人，那会有帮助。
The idea is if you want a kid to move from one social class to another, that kid has to see what it looks like over there on the other side.
这个想法是，如果你想让一个孩子从一个社会阶层转移到另一个社会阶层，那个孩子就必须看看另一边是什么样子。
Exposure is a tool for social change and economic mobility.
曝光是社会变革和经济流动性的工具。
Or it just sucks.
或者它只是很糟糕。
You see how much you did not get, and it's shocking or painful.
你会发现自己没有得到多少，这是令人震惊或痛苦的。
And you freak out, like that one girl, Melanie.
然后你就吓坏了，就像那个女孩梅兰妮一样。
The people who run programs like these hope that even if it's upsetting in the moment, ultimately, this kind of experience helps more than it hurts.
运行此类项目的人们希望，即使当时令人不安，但最终这种体验还是利大于弊。
But nobody really knows because this is the kind of thing that plays out over time.
但没有人真正知道，因为这是随着时间的推移而发生的事情。
It occurred to me that the group of kids who were part of that first year exchange between Fieldston and University Heights could answer this question.
我突然想到，参加菲尔德斯顿和大学高地第一年交流的一群孩子可以回答这个问题。
Does it hurt or help the public school kids?
这对公立学校的孩子们有伤害还是有帮助？
It's been 10 years.
已经10年了。
They're in their mid-20s now, so they've gone to college, gotten apartments and jobs.
他们现在二十多岁了，已经上了大学，找到了公寓，找到了工作。
And it turns out this one experience really has shaped some of the public school kids in profound ways, ways I did not see coming.
事实证明，这一经历确实以深刻的方式塑造了一些公立学校的孩子，这是我没有预见到的。
Today's show, what happens when you see the other side, and it looks a lot better?
今天的节目，当你看到对方的时候，会发生什么，而且看起来好多了？
Let's begin with Melanie, the girl who freaked out.
让我们从梅兰妮开始吧，那个吓坏了的女孩。
I wondered about Melanie because she had such a strong, immediate reaction that everyone remembered, but also because listen to what happened after that.
我对梅兰妮感到好奇，因为她的反应是如此强烈、立即，以至于每个人都记得，而且还因为听了之后发生的事情。
So apparently, Melanie started crying the moment she got to Fieldston, wanted to leave.
显然，梅兰妮一到菲尔德斯顿想要离开就开始哭泣。
But the teachers managed to calm her down.
但老师们设法让她平静下来。
And for a while, it seemed like the moment had passed, and they were fine.
有一段时间，似乎这一刻已经过去了，他们都很好。
They partnered all the students up, so the University Heights kids could go with the Fieldston kids to some of their classes.
他们让所有学生都搭档，这样大学高地的孩子就可以和菲尔德斯顿的孩子一起去参加他们的一些课程。
Marlena Edelstein, a Fieldston student, told me the girl who shadowed her, she doesn't remember her name.
菲尔德斯顿的学生玛琳娜·埃德尔斯坦 (Marlena Edelstein) 告诉我，跟踪她的那个女孩，她不记得自己的名字了。
But other people told me it was Melanie.
但其他人告诉我那是梅兰妮。
Marlena has never forgotten her.
玛琳娜从未忘记过她。
I remember we were studying the Enlightenment.
我记得我们正在研究启蒙运动。
And we were looking at it through paintings.
我们通过绘画来观察它。
And I remember her making connections between the painting and Enlightenment era philosophers, and quoting John Locke, and just schooling all of us-- you know, making connections that I would have been completely incapable of making, and just clearly the smartest person in the room.
我记得她在绘画和启蒙时代哲学家之间建立了联系，并引用了约翰·洛克的话，并教育了我们所有人——你知道，建立了我完全无法建立的联系，而且显然是房间里最聪明的人。
Then, after wowing everyone in this class with her intellect, Melanie left, ran away.
然后，梅兰妮的智慧让班里的每个人都惊叹不已，然后她就离开了，逃跑了。
She found the experience of being at Fieldston so upsetting she ultimately could not stand to be there.
她发现在菲尔德斯顿的经历非常令人沮丧，她最终无法忍受在那里。
And Lisa Greenbaum, her teacher, told me Melanie did not just run away from Fieldston that day.
她的老师丽莎·格林鲍姆告诉我，梅兰妮那天并非只是逃离了菲尔德斯顿。
She also seemed to run away from high school.
她似乎也逃离了高中。
She doesn't remember seeing her much after that.
在那之后，她不记得多久见过她了。
I would love to know-- I would love to know how she feels about who she is and if that moment in her life in any way shaped the way she thinks today.
我很想知道——我很想知道她对自己的感受如何，以及她生命中的那一刻是否以任何方式塑造了她今天的思维方式。
Lisa told me she had no idea where Melanie was.
丽莎告诉我她不知道梅兰妮在哪里。
But she said, you know who you should call?
但她说，你知道你应该给谁打电话吗？
Ashleigh Wallace.
阿什莉·华莱士。
That was Melanie's best friend.
那是梅兰妮最好的朋友。
She'll know what happened.
她会知道发生了什么。
What happened?
发生了什么？
Ashleigh Wallace We were definitely pissed off.
阿什利·华莱士（Ashleigh Wallace）：我们确实很生气。
I mean have you ever seen Edward Scissorhands?
我的意思是你看过剪刀手爱德华吗？
Seen what?
看到什么了？
Ashleigh Wallace Edward Scissorhands.
阿什莉·华莱士《剪刀手爱德华》。
Yeah, yeah.
是啊是啊。
Ashleigh Wallace And you know how his house is at the top of the hill, and it's all dark and gloomy?
阿什利·华莱士（Ashleigh Wallace）你知道他的房子在山顶上，周围又黑又阴暗吗？
And then you have the rest of the town where all the houses are colorful, and it's sunny all day and bright, or whatever the case is?
然后镇上的其他地方，所有的房子都是色彩缤纷的，而且整天阳光明媚，明亮，或者无论如何？
It was just like that.
就是这样。
Like we were leaving the Bronx and going into some complete, totally different, Utopian existence.
就像我们要离开布朗克斯，进入某种完全不同的乌托邦生活一样。
You know, Lisa kept telling us while we were pen palling these kids that, oh, they go to a private school, but they're just like us.
你知道，当我们与这些孩子笔谈时，丽莎一直告诉我们，哦，他们上私立学校，但他们和我们一样。
And just like us is you live in a bad neighborhood like we do.
就像我们一样，您也和我们一样生活在一个糟糕的社区。
You go to a bullshit, shitty ass school like we do where we have no cafeteria because it's been converted into a classroom.
你去的学校就像我们一样，那里没有自助餐厅，因为它被改造成教室了。
We have a daycare for the mothers who have children.
我们为有孩子的母亲提供日托服务。
There's-- what?
有——什么？
One, two, three floors in our school?
我们学校一、二、三层？
She's like, oh, they're just like us.
她就像，哦，他们就像我们一样。
They're nothing like us, nothing at all.
他们和我们完全不同，一点都不像。
I asked Ashleigh, so where is Melanie now?
我问阿什利，那么梅兰妮现在在哪里？
She actually graduated a little earlier.
其实她毕业得早一些。
And I've been looking for her since then because, you know, me and her used to be very, very close.
从那时起我就一直在寻找她，因为，你知道，我和她曾经非常非常亲密。
For a while, it seemed like maybe they just lost touch.
有一段时间，他们似乎失去了联系。
That happens after high school.
高中毕业后就会发生这种情况。
Ashleigh's mom moved to Atlanta.
阿什莉的妈妈搬到了亚特兰大。
Eventually, Ashleigh did too and had a baby.
最终，阿什莉也这么做了，并生了一个孩子。
But after a while, it stopped feeling to Ashleigh like the two of them had just drifted apart and started to feel more like Melanie did not want to be found.
但过了一段时间，阿什莉不再觉得他们两个已经疏远了，而是开始觉得梅兰妮不想被发现。
Her phone number changed.
她的电话号码变了。
She's nowhere online.
她不在线。
Ashleigh has checked Facebook so many times.
Ashleigh 已经多次查看 Facebook。
My mom always asks about her and stuff, but I could not find her.
我妈妈总是打听她的情况，但我却找不到她。
No, I really don't.
不，我真的不知道。
Chana Joffe-Walt But Ashleigh says she must have.
查娜·乔菲-沃尔特 但阿什莉说她必须这么做。
How else does someone disappear like that unless they make it out of the Bronx and never look back?
除非一个人走出布朗克斯并且永不回头，否则怎么会像这样消失呢？
There is a New York City number listed under Melanie's name, but of course--
梅兰妮的名字下面列出了一个纽约市的电话号码，但是当然——
--does not accept calls at this time.
--此时不接听电话。
We're sorry for any inconvenience this may cause.
对于由此造成的任何不便，我们深表歉意。
There's a woman with the same name who manages a real estate firm in Corpus Christi.
有一位同名女士在科珀斯克里斯蒂经营一家房地产公司。
There's a dental lab technician in Harrisburg, an executive office professional in Las Vegas, a woman on Twitter, who I think lives in Mexico and has devoted her account to retweeting Justin Bieber's Twitter account.
哈里斯堡有一名牙科实验室技术员，拉斯维加斯有一名行政办公室专业人员，还有一名推特女士，我认为她住在墨西哥，并专门用她的帐户转发贾斯汀·比伯的推特帐户。
They all seem to be about the right age, all not her.
他们的年龄似乎都差不多，但她却不是。
A background check on Melanie's name lists a current and former address.
对梅兰妮姓名的背景调查列出了当前和以前的地址。
I went to the current one.
我去了当前的一个。
She does not live there.
她不住在那里。
Sent letters to both-- no luck.
给两人都写了信——没有运气。
Ashleigh, her friend from high school, gave me a couple of names of people she thought might have kept up with Melanie.
她的高中朋友阿什利给了我几个她认为可能与梅兰妮保持联系的人的名字。
And top of the list was Pablo Muriel, their high school history teacher.
排名第一的是他们的高中历史老师巴勃罗·穆里尔(Pablo Muriel)。
He's Puerto Rican, like Melanie, from the neighborhood.
他和梅兰妮一样，都是波多黎各人，来自附近地区。
Ashleigh says, we all loved Pablo, but especially Melanie.
阿什利说，我们都喜欢巴勃罗，尤其是梅兰妮。
Yes, hello?
是的，你好？
Chana Joffe-Walt Hi.
查纳·乔夫-沃尔特 你好。
It's Chana Joffe-Walt, the reporter.
我是记者查娜·乔夫-沃尔特。
Oh, yes, hi.
哦，是的，嗨。
How are you?
你好吗？
You caught me at the perfect time.
你在完美的时间抓住了我。
These people calling me into meetings.
这些人叫我去开会。
I was like, oh, thank god.
我当时想，哦，感谢上帝。
How are you?
你好吗？
Pablo said Melanie is one of those kids you remember because she was very, very, very smart-- three verys-- and full of potential.
巴勃罗说梅兰妮是你记得的孩子之一，因为她非常、非常、非常聪明——三个非常——而且充满潜力。
She stood out to him for other reasons too.
她对他的脱颖而出还有其他原因。
She was a bit out there, like her personality was out there.
她有点外向，就像她的个性一样。
However, her intellect surpassed most of her peers at the time.
然而，她的智力却超越了当时的大多数同龄人。
Interesting enough, I think she passed by the school to visit maybe four years ago.
有趣的是，我想她大概是四年前路过学校来参观的。
And I remember her coming back with me to say hello to me.
我记得她和我一起回来向我打招呼。
And I was with another teacher, sitting down-- I won't forget this day because it was just so odd.
我和另一位老师坐在一起——我不会忘记这一天，因为它太奇怪了。
She came and spoke to me.
她过来跟我说话。
And I told her, hold on.
我告诉她，坚持住。
I'll talk to you in a minute.
我一会儿就和你谈谈。
I think she took it as me brushing her off, and she just kind of stormed out.
我想她以为我是在拒绝她，然后她就怒气冲冲地走了出去。
And I never saw her again.
我再也没有见过她。
You were just busy and like, happy to see you, just hang on a second?
你只是很忙，很高兴见到你，等一下？
Yeah.
是的。
Yeah, because it was she caught me between classes.
是的，因为她在课间抓住了我。
Hi, Pablo.
嗨，巴勃罗。
I'm like, oh, hey, Melanie.
我想，哦，嘿，梅兰妮。
Hold on.
坚持，稍等。
I'll talk to you in a minute.
我一会儿就和你谈谈。
And then she just said, OK, whatever.
然后她就说，好吧，随便吧。
And she just left.
而她就这样离开了。
And I never saw her again.
我再也没有见过她。
I began contacting former classmates.
我开始联系以前的同学。
And I became sort of obsessed because it was weird how invisible she was.
我变得有点着迷，因为她是那么隐形，这很奇怪。
Everyone else was super easy to find.
其他人都非常容易找到。
These are 25-year-olds, and we have the internet.
这些都是 25 岁的人，我们有互联网。
And the classmates' memories of Melanie were all similarly mythic.
而同学们对媚兰的记忆也同样都是神话般的。
She spoke her mind.
她说出了自己的想法。
She was brilliant.
她很聪明。
She was fierce.
她很凶猛。
She was going to make it.
她会成功的。
And no one had heard from her.
但没有人收到她的消息。
Weirdly, the one person I contacted who had a real idea of what happened to Melanie was the teacher from Fieldston, the private school, Angela Vassos.
奇怪的是，我联系的唯一一个真正了解梅兰妮遭遇的人是菲尔德斯顿私立学校的老师安吉拉·瓦索斯。
Someone told me Angela had taken a special interest in Melanie after she got so upset at Fieldston.
有人告诉我，安吉拉在梅兰妮对菲尔德斯顿感到如此不安之后，对她特别感兴趣。
And a decade later, when I met Angela and first asked about Melanie, she started crying.
十年后，当我见到安吉拉并第一次询问梅兰妮时，她开始哭泣。
No problem.
没问题。
Angela Vassos [INAUDIBLE], you know?
安吉拉·瓦索斯 [听不清]，你知道吗？
There's a part of me I guess--
我想我的一部分——
Angela got a box of tissues, then sat down.
安吉拉拿了一盒纸巾，然后坐下来。
I had a real soft spot for that kid.
我真的对那个孩子情有独钟。
I still have a soft spot for that kid.
我还是对那个孩子情有独钟。
She was smart, really smart.
她很聪明，非常聪明。
I don't know if she realized.
不知道她是否意识到了。
She knew she was powerful, but I don't know if she knew she was smart.
她知道自己很强大，但我不知道她是否知道自己很聪明。
After that first encounter at Fieldston, Angela tried hard to gain Melanie's trust.
在菲尔德斯顿第一次见面后，安吉拉努力赢得梅兰妮的信任。
I think she felt partially responsible.
我认为她感到自己负有部分责任。
And she really wanted to help Melanie, even though she wasn't Melanie's teacher.
她真的很想帮助梅兰妮，尽管她不是梅兰妮的老师。
The program kept going throughout the year.
该计划全年持续进行。
Angela would bring her private school students over to the public school.
安吉拉会把她的私立学校的学生带到公立学校。
And sometimes she'd visit on her own.
有时她也会独自拜访。
And every time, she'd make a special point to check in on Melanie.
每次，她都会特别留意梅勒妮的情况。
The last time Angela ever saw Melanie was in the public school.
安吉拉最后一次见到梅兰妮是在公立学校。
Angela was over there visiting, and Lillian, the college advisor, comes in.
安吉拉正在那里拜访，大学顾问莉莲进来了。
She walked in.
她走了进去。
And Melanie was really on a tear about white bitches and they don't know anything about the world.
梅勒妮真的对白人母狗感到热泪盈眶，她们对这个世界一无所知。
And Lillian walks in, and she waves a piece of paper.
莉莲走进来，挥舞着一张纸。
And she says, Melanie, come here.
她说，梅兰妮，过来。
Melanie goes up.
梅兰妮站了起来。
There are like 50 people in the room.
房间里大约有50个人。
She says, Middlebury accepted you, full scholarship.
她说，米德尔伯里大学录取了你，并提供全额奖学金。
And Melanie started crying.
梅兰妮开始哭泣。
I started crying.
我开始哭了。
We all did.
我们都这么做了。
We were so excited.
我们非常兴奋。
And Lillian, she says, we made it.
莉莲说，我们做到了。
We made it.
我们成功了。
We made it.
我们成功了。
You know?
你知道？
Incredible news.
令人难以置信的消息。
And Middlebury, we're talking about a serious, serious school-- full scholarship.
而米德尔伯里，我们谈论的是一所严肃认真的学校——全额奖学金。
And Melanie buried her face in Lillian's shoulder here.
梅兰妮把脸埋在莉莲的肩上。
And they hugged for such a long time, not one of these hugs.
而且他们拥抱了这么久，没有一个这样的拥抱。
It must have been a two-minute hug.
这肯定是一个两分钟的拥抱。
And Lillian was swinging her around.
莉莲正在摇晃着她。
And Melanie had her arms around her.
梅兰妮用双臂搂着她。
And I thought, that's so great.
我想，那太好了。
And you knew at that moment-- it was moving because you knew at that moment Melanie felt safe.
你知道那一刻——它很感动，因为你知道那一刻梅兰妮感到安全。
And that's when Melanie disappeared.
就在那时，梅兰妮失踪了。
Because she did not finish the last month of the year.
因为她今年的最后一个月还没有完成。
She disappeared.
她消失了。
To this day, they don't know where she is.
直到今天，他们还不知道她在哪里。
She probably just got scared.
她可能只是害怕了。
You know?
你知道？
Wait.
等待。
She got into Middlebury, but she didn't go?
她考上了米德尔伯里，但她没有去？
She didn't finish the last month of school either.
她也没有完成最后一个月的学业。
She left.
她离开了。
Oh, wow.
哦，哇。
Angela Vassos Yeah.
安吉拉·瓦索斯 是的。
Literally disappeared.
从字面上消失了。
No one could find her.
没有人能找到她。
I called Middlebury to see if maybe Melanie did attend.
我打电话给米德尔伯里，看看梅兰妮是否参加了。
They said, no. Did she get in?
他们说，不。她进来了吗？
They said, we have no record showing that she received an offer of admission.
他们说，我们没有记录显示她收到了录取通知书。
I didn't know if that meant she wasn't admitted, or they just had no record either way, but that's all they would say.
我不知道这是否意味着她没有被录取，或者他们只是没有记录，但他们只会说这些。
And this was strange because Angela had such a vivid memory of Melanie getting in.
这很奇怪，因为安吉拉对梅兰妮进来的记忆如此清晰。
And Angela herself went to Middlebury, so she probably didn't mix up the name of the college.
而安吉拉本人就读于米德尔伯里，所以她可能没有混淆学院的名称。
Plus, the college advisor at Melanie's school seemed to remember it.
另外，梅兰妮学校的大学顾问似乎还记得这件事。
So at this point, I went back to Melanie's high school friend, Ashleigh, and just asked if it sounded like Melanie to psych herself out like that.
所以在这一点上，我回到梅兰妮的高中朋友阿什利那里，只是问梅兰妮是否像这样让自己兴奋起来。
And she said, no way.
她说，没门。
I only made it to my GED, but Melanie was singularly focused on college.
我只考取了 GED，但梅兰妮非常专注于大学。
She'd curse me out when I cut class.
当我逃课时她会咒骂我。
When it came down to me and her, I was what she was trying to avoid.
当事情涉及到我和她时，我就是她想要回避的对象。
Melanie was not going to fail at high school.
梅兰妮高中不会失败。
She would go to college with no babies and live far, far from New York City, period.
她会在没有孩子的情况下上大学，住在离纽约市很远很远的地方。
You can say things like, when is my recycling picked up?
你可以说，我的回收物什么时候被回收？
Or report a noisy neighbor.
或者举报吵闹的邻居。
Go ahead.
前进。
Death record.
死亡记录。
Siri All right.
西瑞 好吧。
I can help you learn how to request a certificate for a death reported in the city.
我可以帮助您了解如何申请本市报告的死亡证明。
I didn't think Melanie was dead, but a friend asked.
我不认为梅兰妮死了，但一个朋友问。
And once that seed was planted, I could not get the idea out of my head.
一旦种下这个种子，这个想法就无法从我的脑海中消失。
The same day I went in person to the city's office for vital records, I also went to an old address listed on a background check, one I'd sent letters to.
就在我亲自前往市政府办公室获取重要记录的同一天，我还去了背景调查中列出的一个旧地址，我曾向该地址寄过信。
The buzzer didn't have Melanie's name on it, and I pressed it anyway.
蜂鸣器上没有梅兰妮的名字，但我还是按下了它。
No answer.
没有答案。
Stood by the door to the building.
站在大楼门口。
Oh.
哦。
Raquel Hardy You've been searching for her, I see.
拉奎尔·哈迪 我明白了，你一直在寻找她。
I have.
我有。
Jonathan She got your letters.
乔纳森 她收到了你的信。
She's actually at work.
她其实在工作。
She's just-- she's been busy for school and work.
她只是——她一直忙于学业和工作。
Yeah.
是的。
Jonathan She hasn't really got a chance to reach out to you.
乔纳森：她还没有机会联系你。
And she did get my letters.
她确实收到了我的信。
Jonathan Yeah.
乔纳森 是的。
She got your letters.
她收到了你的信。
I'm so glad I asked you.
我很高兴问你。
What's your name?
你叫什么名字？
I'm Chana.
我是查娜。
Nice to meet you.
很高兴见到你。
He told me she'd call when she got off work.
他告诉我她下班后会打电话给我。
He didn't want to tell me anything more.
他不想再告诉我任何事情。
But he did tell me Melanie worked at a supermarket on Sixth Avenue.
但他确实告诉我梅兰妮在第六大道的一家超市工作。
It happens to be around the corner from my office.
它恰好就在我办公室的拐角处。
It took three days for Melanie to call me.
三天后梅兰妮才给我打电话。
And when she did, she carefully said, I've given this a lot of thought, and I'm ready to talk.
当她这样做时，她小心翼翼地说，我已经考虑了很多，我准备好谈谈了。
I can't believe you're here.
我不敢相信你在这里。
Melanie [LAUGHS] I can't believe I'm here.
梅兰妮[笑]我不敢相信我在这里。
Yeah?
是的？
Are you nervous?
你紧张吗？
Melanie I mean, I looked on the website.
梅兰妮，我是说，我浏览了网站。
I mean, it's probably something that people are going to hear, people are going to listen to.
我的意思是，这可能是人们会听到的、人们会听的。
If they could see me, they'd know I'm different.
如果他们能看到我，他们就会知道我与众不同。
You know I'm different.
你知道我与众不同。
I'm sitting here with like blue-green hair.
我坐在这里，头发是蓝绿色的。
[LAUGHS]
[笑]
She's also wearing pink sweatpants and a hoodie.
她还穿着粉色运动裤和连帽衫。
Her hair is actually under a hat, so all I can see are some green bangs peeking out.
她的头发实际上是在帽子下面，所以我只能看到一些绿色的刘海露出来。
The "they" she's talking about, that's you listening right now.
她所说的“他们”，就是你现在正在听的。
Melanie has considered you a lot-- who you are, how you'll hear her.
梅兰妮考虑了你很多——你是谁，你会如何听到她的声音。
I asked Melanie about the visit to Fieldston pretty early on in our conversation, but her answer began with her first day of high school.
在我们谈话的早期，我问梅兰妮关于拜访菲尔德斯顿的事情，但她的回答是从她上高中的第一天开始的。
She says she was just one of those kids who always loved school.
她说她只是那些一直热爱学校的孩子之一。
She got good grades, and she'd been anticipating high school years before she got there.
她成绩很好，在进入高中之前她就一直期待着上高中。
She had a clear image in her mind of how exciting it would be.
她心里清楚地想象着这将是多么令人兴奋。
She'd become a better writer, read, read, and read, and go to games, maybe join the dance team.
她会成为一名更好的作家，读书，读书，读书，参加比赛，也许会加入舞蹈队。
And her first day of freshman year--
还有她大一的第一天——
Well, I remember going in.
嗯，我记得进去过。
And I was just like, what is this?
我当时就想，这是什么？
You know?
你知道？
Like, this has got to be a joke.
就像，这一定是个笑话。
Yeah, completely.
是的，完全如此。
I was sitting in the classroom with seniors when I was a freshman.
当我大一的时候，我和学长们一起坐在教室里。
They didn't even have a math B course.
他们甚至没有数学B课程。
What's math B?
数学B是什么？
I don't know what that is.
我不知道那是什么。
It's like the second level to math A, I would say prior to taking trigonometry or even statistics or something like that.
我想说，这就像数学 A 的第二级，在学习三角学甚至统计学或类似的东西之前。
They don't offer any AP classes.
他们不提供任何 AP 课程。
Another thing that was really tormenting to me was that we didn't have a library.
另一件真正折磨我的事情是我们没有图书馆。
And I love books.
我喜欢书。
This is like, wow, we're really in a poor part of the Bronx where we're not being considered.
这就像，哇，我们真的是在布朗克斯的一个贫穷地区，我们没有被考虑到。
Then, in 10th grade, Melanie's English teacher said they were going to start a pen pal program with a school called Fieldston.
然后，在十年级时，梅兰妮的英语老师说他们将与一所名为菲尔德斯顿的学校启动笔友计划。
Melanie was open to it.
梅兰妮对此持开放态度。
She wrote a sincere letter describing herself and her dreams and climbed onto the bus with the rest of her classmates to go to Fieldston.
她写了一封真诚的信，描述了自己和自己的梦想，然后和其他同学一起登上了前往菲尔德斯顿的公共汽车。
When we went there, we looked like a bunch of hooligans.
当我们去那里的时候，我们看起来就像一群流氓。
I would say we looked like the goonies walking in a Wall Street building.
我想说我们看起来就像在华尔街大楼里行走的傻瓜。
I felt like you knew we weren't from there.
我感觉你知道我们不是那里人。
Like, who are these ghetto kids walking in?
就像，这些走进来的贫民窟孩子是谁？
We just-- we knew we didn't fit in.
我们只是——我们知道我们不适合。
We didn't look like the rest of the students.
我们看起来不像其他学生。
It was a very organized school.
那是一所组织严密的学校。
Wait.
等待。
What did you look like?
你看起来是什么样子？
What do you mean when you [INAUDIBLE].
当您[听不清]时，您是什么意思。
Well, when I went there, I had bright red hair, cherry red like Charli Baltimore, which was a female rapper at that time.
嗯，当我去那里的时候，我有一头鲜红的头发，樱桃红色，就像当时的女说唱歌手查莉·巴尔的摩一样。
I had my nails super long, out here, really colorful, like 20 colors on them.
我的指甲超长，颜色非常鲜艳，好像有 20 种颜色。
All of us wore Jordans.
我们所有人都穿着乔丹鞋。
Everybody in the hood, oh, Jordans is the big thing.
每个人都在兜帽里，哦，乔丹是一件大事。
You could tell.
你可以看出来。
You knew off the back these students are not from this school.
你一看就知道这些学生不是这所学校的。
I felt like a ratchet ass girl from the hood.
我感觉自己就像一个来自引擎盖的棘轮女孩。
I felt like I didn't belong there.
我觉得我不属于那里。
I just felt like I have no business in this building.
我只是觉得我在这座大楼里没有什么事。
I don't remember them.
我不记得他们了。
They were just like a sea of white, blond, blue-green eyes.
它们就像一片白色、金色、蓝绿色的眼睛的海洋。
I couldn't possibly bring myself into my body to actually engage with these kids.
我不可能让自己进入自己的身体来真正与这些孩子接触。
I didn't want to engage with them.
我不想和他们交往。
For so many University Heights kids I talked to, seeing Fieldston was shocking because of the stark difference.
对于我采访过的许多大学高地的孩子来说，看到菲尔德斯顿是令人震惊的，因为这种明显的差异。
It was a surprise.
这是一个惊喜。
They could not have imagined a place like Fieldston.
他们无法想象会有像菲尔德斯顿这样的地方。
For Melanie, it wasn't that.
对于梅兰妮来说，事实并非如此。
Melanie had imagined it.
这是梅兰妮想象出来的。
This was what I envisioned as high school, what these kids are experiencing.
这就是我想象的高中，这些孩子正在经历的事情。
This is what I wanted to see myself going to as a high school experience.
这就是我希望自己能经历的高中经历。
Oh, that's what you expected high school to be.
哦，这就是你所期望的高中。
Yeah, definitely.
是的，绝对是。
Chana Joffe-Walt So you didn't-- what felt surprising to you was just like, this is the first time that I'm seeing the thing in real life that I thought was what I was going to walk into in ninth grade?
Chana Joffe-Walt 所以你没有——让你感到惊讶的是，这是我第一次在现实生活中看到我认为是我九年级时会遇到的事情？
Yep.
是的。
And it was just like, OK, this is private.
就像，好吧，这是私人的。
So this is-- everything kind of is a fucking lie that you see your whole life growing up on TV shows or movies.
所以这就是——你在电视节目或电影中看到自己长大的一切都是他妈的谎言。
It's like, OK, this is not free.
就像，好吧，这不是免费的。
This is not available for kids of color.
这不适用于有色人种的孩子。
This is something that only privileged or the elite can have.
这是只有特权阶层或者精英才能拥有的东西。
I know I looked at it and I said, well, I know that we're only being taught to flip burgers in Burger King or McDonald's or to hold doors for students like them that will probably live in those buildings on Madison Avenue.
我知道我看了它，我说，好吧，我知道我们只是被教导如何在汉堡王或麦当劳翻转汉堡，或者为像他们这样可能住在麦迪逊大道那些建筑物中的学生拉门。
And we'll be wearing the uniform servicing these people.
我们将穿着制服为这些人服务。
You thought that when you were at Fieldston?
你在菲尔德斯顿的时候也这么想吗？
Definitely.
确实。
Chana Joffe-Walt Whoa.
查纳·乔夫-沃尔特 哇。
That's wild.
那太疯狂了。
So it was like when the shit hits the fan.
所以这就像当狗屎撞到风扇时一样。
So you imagined this is-- Melanie The future, yeah.
所以你想象的是——梅兰妮 未来，是的。
Yeah.
是的。
Melanie Seeing what we would all be like as adults.
梅兰妮看到我们成年后会是什么样子。
So that's what she found so upsetting.
这就是她感到如此不安的原因。
It seemed that the people around her must believe that this was the natural order of things.
看来她周围的人一定都相信这是事物的自然规律。
Melanie knew there was no innate difference between her and a kid born into wealth.
梅兰妮知道她和一个出生在富裕阶层的孩子并没有天生的区别。
She could see that this division we're all so inured to was not a reflection of her inferior worth or ability.
她可以看出，我们都如此习惯的这种划分并不反映她的低劣价值或能力。
She just didn't know what to do with the idea that she might be alone in seeing that.
她只是不知道该怎么办，因为她可能独自一人看到了这一点。
But Melanie had her own plan after Fieldston, as soon as she could get out of high school.
但梅兰妮在菲尔德斯顿毕业后就有了自己的计划，一旦她高中毕业。
And her plan did not involve holding doors.
她的计划并不涉及守门。
She had enough credits to graduate high school early, as a junior.
她在大三时就获得了足够的学分，可以提前高中毕业。
So I just want to hurry up and get my high school diploma to say, here, I'm educated.
所以我只想赶快拿到高中毕业证，告诉大家，在这里，我受过教育。
I got it.
我得到了它。
I want to get into a four-year school.
我想进入四年制学校。
I already sold myself with a master's degree, which means 16 to 24, eight years.
我已经把自己卖给了硕士学位，这意味着16到24岁，八年。
Yep.
是的。
Check.
查看。
Melanie's vision was so clear.
梅兰妮的视野是如此清晰。
And the adults around her could see it too.
而她身边的大人也都看出来了。
Pablo Muriel, the teacher, and all the teachers at her school knew their job was to fill in the gaps, make up for the fact that Melanie did not get to be a Fieldston kid and get her to college anyway.
老师巴勃罗·穆里尔（Pablo Muriel）和她学校的所有老师都知道，他们的工作就是填补空白，弥补梅兰妮没能成为菲尔德斯顿孩子的事实，并让她无论如何都能上大学。
So a few months before graduation, the high school guidance counselor nominated Melanie for something called a Posse scholarship.
因此，在毕业前几个月，高中辅导员提名梅兰妮获得 Posse 奖学金。
The Posse Foundation sends kids from 10 cities to private, elite colleges, full scholarship-- schools like Cornell, Dartmouth, and Middlebury.
Posse 基金会将来自 10 个城市的孩子送到全额奖学金的私立精英大学——康奈尔大学、达特茅斯大学和米德尔伯里大学等学校。
Melanie had her eyes set on Middlebury, just like Angela Vassos remembered.
正如安吉拉·瓦索斯记忆中的那样，梅兰妮把目光投向了米德尔伯里。
And the thing that could get her there was the Posse scholarship.
能够让她到达那里的是 Pose 奖学金。
It's really competitive.
真的很有竞争力。
There's hundreds of kids all over New York City in this one floor of a building that you go to.
在你去的一栋大楼的这一层楼里，有数百名孩子遍布纽约市。
I think the first day, I wore high heels and a skirt.
我想第一天，我穿着高跟鞋和裙子。
Maybe I wore a tie with a shirt, a dress-up shirt.
也许我穿了一件领带，搭配一件衬衫，一件正装衬衫。
I always went very professional when I went there, like what is considered office apparel.
当我去那里时，我总是非常专业，就像被认为是办公服装一样。
Posse sends groups of kids to college together, a posse.
团队将一群孩子一起送到大学，这是一个团队。
And they're trying to choose kids who would otherwise be missed because their test scores aren't great, or because they go to bad schools.
他们试图选择那些原本会因为考试成绩不佳或就读不好的学校而被错过的孩子。
After the first round, half the students get called back, the next round, half the remaining students.
第一轮结束后，一半的学生会被召回，下一轮，剩下的一半学生会被召回。
Then that group gets cut again.
然后该组再次被削减。
Trying to figure out how to get into college is stressful for everyone.
试图弄清楚如何进入大学对每个人来说都是有压力的。
But for most people, it does not look like reality TV.
但对于大多数人来说，它看起来并不像真人秀。
I kept getting put to the next stage.
我不断进入下一阶段。
And each time you go back, they just send you a letter in the mail letting you know, OK, you made it through the next round.
每次你回去时，他们都会给你寄一封信，让你知道，好吧，你已经通过了下一轮。
We expect you here at this day, this time.
我们期待您在这一天、这个时候来到这里。
The final time is when you meet the college.
最后的时间是你见到大学的时候。
Middlebury.
米德尔伯里。
Do you remember what they asked you in the interview?
你还记得面试时他们问你什么吗？
No, I don't.
不，我不。
Chana Joffe-Walt Were you nervous?
Chana Joffe-Walt 你紧张吗？
I was nervous, very nervous.
我很紧张，非常紧张。
Chana Joffe-Walt This year, I sat in on the Posse finalist interviews.
今年，我参加了 Posse 决赛入围者的采访。
And I can tell you that by this point in the process, the only kids left in the room could do your job with a week of training.
我可以告诉你，到了这个过程的这一点，房间里唯一剩下的孩子可以通过一周的培训来完成你的工作。
We were sitting in this room with 25 amazing kids.
我们和 25 个很棒的孩子坐在这个房间里。
15 of them were about to get voted off the island.
其中 15 人即将被投票离开该岛。
They get a letter, like Melanie did, saying no.
他们像梅兰妮一样收到一封信，拒绝了。
Unfortunately, you didn't get picked.
不幸的是，你没有被选中。
I believe I still have that letter hiding somewhere.
我相信我还把那封信藏在某个地方。
Melanie did not get in.
梅兰妮没有进去。
She made it to the very last round.
她进入了最后一轮。
But in the end, she did not get it.
但最终，她没有得到。
I don't know why Angela Vassos remembers Melanie getting into Middlebury, except that what she and the school college counselor must be remembering is the moment Melanie was selected as a finalist, because that would have been an exciting moment.
我不知道为什么安吉拉·瓦索斯记得梅兰妮进入米德尔伯里，但她和学校的大学辅导员一定记得梅兰妮被选为决赛选手的那一刻，因为那将是一个激动人心的时刻。
And it would make sense that they did not know the very last step-- that in the end, Melanie did not make it-- because they never saw her again.
他们不知道最后一步是有道理的——最终梅兰妮没能成功——因为他们再也没有见过她。
They couldn't have known seeing Fieldston was not what made Melanie want to run away, it was this.
他们不可能知道梅兰妮想要逃跑的原因并不是看到菲尔德斯顿，而是这个。
You go through something to just get turned down.
你经历了一些事情，结果却被拒绝了。
It's a waste too.
也是一种浪费。
It's like, would you have been better off not going through this experience?
就像，如果你不经历这种经历会更好吗？
Is that how you feel?
你是这样的感觉吗？
Melanie I mean, maybe I would have been better off not going through that experience.
梅兰妮，我的意思是，也许我不经历那样的经历会更好。
Once that happened, I just wrote it off out of my life.
一旦发生这种情况，我就把它从我的生活中注销了。
Because it's too painful?
因为太痛了？
Melanie I think because it's just a moment of disappointment.
梅勒妮，我想是因为这只是一个令人失望的时刻。
Yeah, I can see that.
是的，我看得出来。
Melanie Mm-hm.
梅兰妮 嗯嗯。
(EMOTIONAL) It's like a really beautiful thing if you do get it.
（情感）如果你真的得到了它，那就像是一件非常美丽的事情。
At least that's the way it looked.
至少看起来是这样。
But what you put children through to get there is hard to then be turned down and say, why didn't I get it?
但是，你让孩子们经历的一切让他们到达那里，然后很难被拒绝并说，为什么我没有得到它？
What was wrong with me?
我到底怎么了？
Melanie could see an elite college was a long shot, especially for a kid from a poor public school.
梅兰妮认为进入精英大学的可能性不大，特别是对于来自贫困公立学校的孩子来说。
But she was going to make it because she was exceptional.
但她一定会成功，因为她很出色。
Her teachers saw it.
她的老师们看到了。
She knew it.
她知道。
That was the ground she stood on-- until this moment.
那是她站立的地面——直到这一刻。
You know, maybe you were just somebody exceptional because of the environment you were in, not necessarily because you are exceptional.
你知道，也许你之所以成为一个杰出的人只是因为你所处的环境，而不一定是因为你是杰出的。
People'd be like, oh, you're so smart.
人们会说，哦，你真聪明。
You're going to be this.
你将会是这样的。
You're going to be that.
你就会成为那样的人。
You're going to be somebody.
你将会成为某人。
You're going to change the world.
你将改变世界。
You're going to-- and it's like, be realistic.
你要现实一些。
You know, Pablo wanted me to apply for Harvard.
你知道，巴勃罗希望我申请哈佛。
I was like, be fucking realistic.
我当时想，他妈的要现实一点。
I'm never going to get accepted to Harvard.
我永远不会被哈佛录取。
This is a school that doesn't even have fucking statistics offered, you know, like AP classes.
这所学校连他妈的统计数据都没有提供，你知道，比如 AP 课程。
Versus a kid like Fieldston-- you walk out in four years, you're prepared to go to a school like that.
与像菲尔德斯顿这样的孩子相比——四年后你就毕业了，你已经准备好去那样的学校了。
This is not happening for me.
这不会发生在我身上。
I don't think anything is going to change that.
我认为任何事情都不会改变这一点。
After that, I definitely knew that I wanted to run out of that high school as fast as possible.
从那以后，我明确地知道我想尽快逃离那所高中。
And I ended up graduating spring semester of that year, and I was gone.
那年春季学期我毕业了，然后我就离开了。
So--
所以——
Really gone.
真的走了。
Melanie Yeah, really gone.
梅兰妮 是的，真的走了。
Gone.
走了。
Like off the map gone.
就像从地图上消失一样。
Melanie Yep.
梅兰妮 是的。
This has to be her.
这必须是她。
(ON PHONE) Hi, Melanie.
（电话中）嗨，梅兰妮。
This is Lisa.
这是丽莎。
I taught you English--
我教你英语--
I was walking with Melanie one day recently when she played a voicemail for me she got from Lisa Greenbaum, her old high school teacher.
最近的一天，我和梅兰妮一起散步，她给我播放了一封语音邮件，是她以前的高中老师丽莎·格林鲍姆发来的。
I hadn't given Lisa Melanie's number.
我没有给丽莎·梅兰妮的电话号码。
I hadn't even told her yet about being in touch.
我什至还没有告诉她我们有联系。
It turned out just a few days before, Melanie had called the front desk of the high school to get a copy of her diploma, and people from the school started getting back in touch.
原来，就在几天前，梅兰妮给高中前台打电话索要了一份毕业证书，学校的人也开始重新联系。
(ON PHONE) I would love to hear what's going on with you.
（电话中）我很想听听你的近况。
Call me when you can.
可以的时候给我打电话。
(ON PHONE) Loking forward to talking to you.
（电话中）期待与您交谈。
Bye bye.
再见。
No, I'll probably call.
不，我可能会打电话。
I just want to go about my business, do what I got to do for myself.
我只想做我自己的事，做我自己该做的事。
In other words, yeah, absolutely not.
换句话说，是的，绝对不是。
Melanie never called Lisa.
梅勒妮从来没有给丽莎打过电话。
I'm surprised that my number even got passed to these people.
我很惊讶我的电话号码竟然传给了这些人。
They're just calling because I happened to call the school.
他们打电话只是因为我碰巧给学校打电话。
It's not like anybody's really reaching out to me.
好像没有人真正向我伸出援手。
This, of course, makes no sense.
这当然是没有意义的。
Somebody calling your mobile device and saying, I would love to hear what's going on with you, that's the definition of someone reaching out.
有人打电话给您的移动设备并说，我很想听听您的情况，这就是有人伸出援手的定义。
But this is where Melanie is right now.
但这就是梅兰妮现在所在的地方。
For the last decade of her life, she's been working at the supermarket, taking local college courses part-time, stopping every few semesters when she needs money or sleep, and thinking about where she went wrong.
在她生命的最后十年里，她一直在超市工作，兼职学习当地的大学课程，每隔几个学期当她需要钱或睡觉时就停下来，思考自己哪里做错了。
She didn't apply to any other private colleges after Middlebury turned her down.
在米德尔伯里大学拒绝她之后，她没有申请任何其他私立大学。
She did not reach out to Lisa, or Pablo, or Ashleigh, or Angela.
她没有联系丽莎、巴勃罗、阿什利或安吉拉。
She graduated early and checked out of high school.
她提前毕业并从高中退学。
And she's furious at herself for doing that.
她对自己这样做感到愤怒。
I accepted it, basically.
我基本上接受了。
And I guess I just grew very angry with myself for making that choice of saying, well, I'm going to accept this, instead of fighting against it or maybe bringing change into that situation.
我想我只是对自己感到非常生气，因为我做出了这样的选择：好吧，我要接受这一点，而不是与之抗争，或者可能为这种情况带来改变。
But I didn't, I accepted it.
但我没有，我接受了。
That's always in the back of my head.
这一直在我的脑海里。
Like I know I fucked that up, because I could have probably gotten something out of that extra year of school.
就像我知道我搞砸了一样，因为我可能可以从那额外的一年的学校里得到一些东西。
What would you have gotten?
你会得到什么？
Melanie I don't know.
梅兰妮我不知道。
What if I would have reached out?
如果我伸出手怎么办？
What if-- what if they would have sent me to CUNY for free college courses?
如果——如果他们把我送到纽约市立大学免费大学课程怎么办？
There could have been another opportunity.
本来可能还有另一个机会。
I just didn't-- I got so frustrated to the point that I didn't want to look for that opportunity.
我只是没有——我非常沮丧，以至于我不想寻找这个机会。
It was just like, I want this shit over and done with because I felt like it wasn't going to change.
就像，我希望这件事结束，因为我觉得它不会改变。
So now, a high school teacher who remembers Melanie as having so much promise is calling and wanting to catch up.
所以现在，一位记得梅兰妮有如此多的前途的高中老师打电话来，想要跟上。
Of course, Melanie doesn't want to return that call.
当然，梅勒妮不想回那个电话。
So for you to have people tell you you're exceptional or for me to say people remember you as being very smart, it's just sort of like salt on a wound or something?
所以如果你让人们告诉你你很出色，或者让我说人们记得你非常聪明，这就像在伤口上撒盐之类的吗？
It just--
它只是——
I don't-- yeah.
我不——是的。
How do I measure that intelligence?
我如何衡量智力？
It's very hard to deal with.
很难对付。
Had you gone to Middlebury, do you think you would believe that you are smart?
如果你去了米德尔伯里，你认为你会相信自己很聪明吗？
Um, yeah.
嗯，是的。
Why not?
为什么不呢？
Chana Joffe-Walt Just like she felt when she visited Fieldston that first time, Melanie can sense a better, alternate reality sitting right there next to her today-- an alternate reality where she went to college, and her life is totally different.
恰娜·乔菲-沃尔特 就像她第一次拜访菲尔德斯顿时的感觉一样，梅勒妮今天可以感觉到一个更好的替代现实就坐在她旁边——一个她上大学的替代现实，她的生活完全不同。
Chana Joffe-Walt.
查纳·乔夫-沃尔特。
Coming up, we meet that alternate reality, Melanie if she went to college.
接下来，我们会遇到另一个现实，梅兰妮，如果她上大学的话。
That's in a minute from Chicago Public Radio when our program continues.
芝加哥公共广播电台一分钟后我们的节目仍在继续。
It's This American Life.
这就是美国生活。
I'm Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯。
Today's program, Three Miles.
今天的节目，三英里。
Chana Joffe-Walt is looking at a group of students who shared one small experience.
查纳·乔夫-沃尔特 (Chana Joffe-Walt) 正在观察一群分享了一个小经历的学生。
They're students from a public school in the Bronx who took field trips three miles up the road to visit one of New York's fanciest private schools.
他们是布朗克斯区一所公立学校的学生，他们沿着三英里的路实地考察，参观了纽约最高档的私立学校之一。
In the first half of our program, we heard from Melanie, who thinks that if she had gone to college, it would have made all the difference in her life.
在我们节目的前半部分，我们听到梅兰妮的来信，她认为如果她上了大学，她的生活将会发生很大的变化。
In this half of the show, we're going to look at whether or not that's true.
在节目的这半部分中，我们将看看这是否属实。
A lot of kids from her public high school, University Heights High School, lived the life that she did not.
她所在的公立高中大学高地高中的很多孩子都过着她没有过的生活。
They did go to college, two thirds of them last year.
他们确实上了大学，其中三分之二是去年。
Again, here's Chana Joffe-Walt.
查纳·乔夫-沃尔特（Chana Joffe-Walt）再次报道。
I've been talking to lots of University Heights graduates.
我一直在和很多大学高地的毕业生交谈。
And I've had this experience a couple times where I feel like I'm speaking to Melanie's alternate reality.
我已经有过几次这样的经历，我觉得我正在和梅兰妮的另一个现实说话。
The year after Melanie graduated, a handsome, young, black University Heights senior named Jonathan Gonzales won the Posse scholarship.
梅兰妮毕业后的第二年，高地大学一位英俊、年轻的黑人大四学生乔纳森·冈萨雷斯 (Jonathan Gonzales) 获得了 Posse 奖学金。
This is a kid who grew up in Melanie's neighborhood, went to her school, was one of only a dozen or so kids picked to be part of the program with Fieldston.
这是一个在梅兰妮附近长大的孩子，上过她的学校，是被选中参加菲尔德斯顿项目的十几个孩子之一。
And he won the Posse scholarship Melanie so desperately wanted.
他还获得了梅兰妮迫切想要的Posse奖学金。
If anyone is alternate reality Melanie, it is Jonathan.
如果有人是替代现实梅兰妮，那就是乔纳森。
But this is not a role Jonathan conveniently slots into.
但这并不是乔纳森轻易扮演的角色。
I didn't really-- for myself, I didn't really see college.
我并没有真正——就我自己而言，我并没有真正看到大学。
For myself, I saw just not being a homeless guy.
就我自己而言，我认为自己并不是一个无家可归的人。
At 15 years old, Melanie could see a future with college and graduate school.
15 岁时，梅兰妮就看到了大学和研究生院的未来。
Not only that, everyone around her could see it too.
不仅如此，周围的人也都看到了。
This is not what people saw for Jonathan.
人们对乔纳森的看法并非如此。
This is not what Jonathan saw for Jonathan.
这不是乔纳森看到的乔纳森的样子。
Why not?
为什么不呢？
Jonathan Gonzales I-- it was never-- you know, what I thought of myself in the future was being a janitor because I was waking up Saturday mornings, mopping the house, cleaning ceiling fans, sweeping the floor, washing dishes, whatever, what have you.
乔纳森·冈萨雷斯（Jonathan Gonzales）我——从来没有——你知道，我对自己未来的想法是成为一名看门人，因为我周六早上醒来，拖房子，清洁吊扇，扫地，洗碗，无论什么，你有什么。
That was what I was experienced in.
这就是我所经历的。
So college was like I don't know what I would do there.
所以大学就像我不知道我会在那里做什么。
And I had the blessing to have a girlfriend that was into the books.
我很幸运有一个喜欢读书的女朋友。
Raquel Hardy.
拉奎尔·哈迪。
I wish you could see Jonathan's face when he talks about Raquel.
我希望你能看到乔纳森谈论拉克尔时的表情。
I know that's a corny thing to say.
我知道这样说很老套。
I promise, if you could see it, you'd forget to be so cool.
我保证，如果你能看到它，你就会忘记自己有多酷。
Jonathan says he's loved Raquel basically as long as he can remember.
乔纳森说，从他记事起，他就一直爱着拉克尔。
Pretty long time.
相当长的时间了。
I've known her since I was 12.
我从 12 岁起就认识她了。
My junior high school teacher actually said that we would be married.
我的初中老师居然说我们要结婚。
I guess she saw it from, you know, the way we looked at each other or spent time with each other in the classroom.
我猜她是从我们互相注视对方或在教室里相处的方式中看到的。
And we always played it down like, nah, no.
我们总是淡化它，就像，不，不。
But that summer right before high school, Raquel and Jonathan got together.
但就在高中之前的那个夏天，拉克尔和乔纳森走到了一起。
And it stopped feeling like a joke that they might just stay together.
他们可能会继续在一起，这不再像一个笑话。
Jonathan and Raquel both found being at home stressful.
乔纳森和拉克尔都发现在家压力很大。
Jonathan was given up to foster care as a baby.
乔纳森在婴儿时期就被送去寄养。
His foster mom adopted him.
他的养母收养了他。
He says she loved him, but she could be very cruel.
他说她爱他，但她可能非常残忍。
I was very-- I held a lot of things in.
我非常——我保留了很多东西。
And the way I got them out was by sometimes punching a wall, or punching other people, or getting into fights, or acting out in the classroom.
我把他们赶出去的方法是有时用拳头打墙，或者打其他人，或者打架，或者在教室里表现出来。
And for Raquel, she was into school.
对于拉奎尔来说，她进入了学校。
I think her outlet was doing work, being in the books, so she didn't have to think about it.
我认为她的出路是在做工作，在书本上，所以她不必考虑这个问题。
And my outlet was thinking about it, being sad about it, and not speaking to anybody, and just being quiet.
我的出路是思考这件事，为此感到悲伤，不与任何人说话，只是保持安静。
[LAUGHS]
[笑]
Yeah, having no outlet, OK.
是的，没有出口，好吧。
[LAUGHS] But yeah, so that was our coping mechanisms.
[笑]但是，是的，这就是我们的应对机制。
We were best friends.
我们是最好的朋友。
I don't know.
我不知道。
It was great.
太棒了。
This, of course, is Raquel.
这当然是拉奎尔。
Raquel is beautiful, driven, and just quick.
拉奎尔很漂亮，有干劲，而且速度很快。
She's the friend you want sitting shotgun when you're lost driving.
当你开车迷路时，她是你想要的朋友。
Raquel and Jonathan were both selected for the Fieldston program.
拉克尔和乔纳森都被选入菲尔德斯顿项目。
And for Raquel, seeing Fieldston was a revelation.
对于拉克尔来说，见到菲尔德斯顿是一种启示。
She remembers specific details-- the trees in the quad, that the library was a freestanding building.
她记得具体的细节——院子里的树木，图书馆是一座独立的建筑。
She remembers walking up to it.
她记得自己走到了那里。
And we get in.
我们进去了。
And there were kids hanging out on the floor, and with their book bags, and kids leaving their book bags unattended.
有些孩子拿着书包在地板上闲逛，有些孩子把书包放在无人看管的地方。
And like this is unheard of, I mean, I'm sorry.
这是闻所未闻的，我的意思是，我很抱歉。
In the Bronx, you don't leave your book bag on the floor and walk away.
在布朗克斯，你不会把书包留在地板上然后走开。
You know what I mean?
你知道我的意思？
With a Mac laptop inside, you know what I mean?
里面有 Mac 笔记本电脑，你明白我的意思吗？
That just doesn't happen.
那是不会发生的。
And you don't get to sit on the floor at the school in a laid back kind of relaxed way.
而且你不能以一种悠闲的方式坐在学校的地板上。
Raquel says she had the following thoughts all within the first few minutes.
拉克尔说，她在最初几分钟内就产生了以下想法。
These kids are free.
这些孩子是自由的。
This is what freedom looks like.
这就是自由的样子。
We must not deserve to be free.
我们一定不应该获得自由。
And finally, I am really lucky to be seeing this.
最后，我真的很幸运能够看到这一点。
I mean, it's one thing hearing it from Pablo, but it's another thing seeing those things.
我的意思是，从巴勃罗那里听到它是一回事，但看到这些东西又是另一回事。
You don't know how little you have because you don't have anything to compare it to.
你不知道自己拥有的有多少，因为你没有任何东西可以与之比较。
So I think it motivates you.
所以我认为这会激励你。
For me, that's what the connection with the Fieldston school did for me-- it motivated me.
对我来说，这就是与菲尔德斯顿学校的联系对我的影响——它激励了我。
As for me, I didn't feel like I was shit anyway, and I would never be shit.
至于我，反正我不觉得自己是狗屎，而且我永远不会狗屎。
So I was just like, well, this is where the rich people are.
所以我就想，好吧，这就是有钱人的地方。
Raquel says everyone felt bad seeing Fieldston, but Jonathan more so because he had been taught to feel that way at home.
拉克尔说，每个人看到菲尔德斯顿都感到很难过，但乔纳森更是如此，因为他被教导要在家里有这种感觉。
We had a lot of arguments about his mom, but he knows now.
我们为他妈妈发生了很多争执，但他现在知道了。
He saw himself through her eyes in a lot of ways.
他通过她的眼睛在很多方面看到了自己。
She made him feel very low at times.
她有时让他心情很低落。
So I tried to love him and show him the support.
所以我试着爱他并向他表示支持。
She says she just told him over and over how special he was.
她说她只是一遍又一遍地告诉他他有多么特别。
Yeah, because he was.
是的，因为他是。
He was-- and he is.
他过去是——现在也是。
He's a remarkable man, and he's very talented.
他是一个了不起的人，而且非常有才华。
He deserved what this world had to offer him.
他值得这个世界为他提供的一切。
And he had to take it.
他必须接受它。
That was how Jonathan went from imagining himself as a janitor to applying for college-- not because he saw Fieldston, because Raquel saw Fieldston.
这就是乔纳森从想象自己是一名看门人到申请大学的过程——不是因为他看到了菲尔德斯顿，而是因为拉克尔看到了菲尔德斯顿。
Raquel wanted to go to a college where she could sit on the rug and debate with friends, laptop on the floor by her knee.
拉克尔想去一所大学，在那里她可以坐在地毯上与朋友辩论，笔记本电脑放在膝盖旁的地板上。
Senior year, they were both nominated for a Posse scholarship.
高四那年，他们都获得了 Posse 奖学金的提名。
Raquel didn't make it past the first round, but she went on to apply to lots of other schools and got into Bard College with a scholarship.
拉奎尔没有通过第一轮，但她继续申请了许多其他学校，并获得奖学金进入巴德学院。
And Jonathan got Posse.
乔纳森得到了Posse。
He got into Wheaton College in Massachusetts.
他进入了马萨诸塞州的惠顿学院。
I think it was a Friday.
我想那是星期五。
I think it was a Friday they gave me-- that I had the letter in the mail from Wheaton.
我想那是他们给我的星期五——我收到了惠顿寄来的这封信。
My main thing was, who am I to be accepted into a college?
我最重要的是，我是谁才能被大学录取？
Yeah.
是的。
Chana Joffe-Walt Did you have any moment of, this is great, I got into college?
Chana Joffe-Walt 你有没有想过，这太棒了，我考上了大学？
No, I was scared.
不，我很害怕。
Chana Joffe-Walt You skipped right past excitement?
Chana Joffe-Walt 你跳过了兴奋吗？
Yeah.
是的。
There was no real excitement.
没有真正的兴奋。
I was just like, all right, so now what?
我当时想，好吧，那现在怎么办？
Did something change from November to whenever you arrived at college where you started to feel like, OK, I'm a person who goes to college?
从 11 月到你一上大学，你开始觉得，好吧，我是一个上大学的人，有什么变化吗？
I can't really say, yes, you know?
我真的不能说，是的，你知道吗？
Because at the core, I still didn't feel like I was worthy.
因为在内心深处，我仍然觉得自己不值得。
And when I got to college, it showed.
当我上大学时，这一点就显现出来了。
Jonathan's first day at Wheaton, he looked up his course syllabi and panicked.
乔纳森在惠顿的第一天，查阅了课程大纲，感到惊慌失措。
He couldn't afford the books.
他买不起这些书。
He also did not tell anyone he couldn't afford the books, he just never got them.
他也没有告诉任何人他买不起这些书，他只是从来没有得到过它们。
I didn't do the homework.
我没有做作业。
So I'm going now into a class where, one, it's a different dynamic.
所以我现在要进入一堂课，其中，第一，这是一种不同的动态。
Now I'm in Fieldston where it's 12 kids to a teacher.
现在我在菲尔德斯顿，那里有 12 个孩子和一位老师。
And I'm the only black kid in some of these classes.
我是其中一些班级中唯一的黑人孩子。
I'm the only kid in some of these classes.
我是其中一些班级中唯一的孩子。
So now I'm embarrassed to be the only black guy that doesn't do the work and fulfill that stereotype.
所以现在我很尴尬，因为我是唯一一个不做这项工作、不履行这种刻板印象的黑人。
So I'm not going to class.
所以我不去上课。
It's a catch-22 because now I'm still the black kid now that just doesn't come to class and doesn't do the work on top of that, you know?
这是一个第二十二条军规，因为现在我仍然是一个黑人孩子，只是不来上课，也不做除此之外的工作，你知道吗？
But for me, it was-- I mean, what am I going to say to these teachers?
但对我来说，我的意思是，我要对这些老师说什么？
In the beginning, I struggled too.
一开始，我也很挣扎。
My first year, I got C-pluses and B-minuses.
第一年，我的成绩是 C-+ 和 B--。
It was devastating to me because I was an A-plus student in high school.
这对我来说是毁灭性的，因为我在高中时是一名优秀的学生。
And we both were like, this is a lot.
我们俩都说，这太多了。
This is crazy.
这太疯狂了。
I wasn't expecting this.
我没想到会这样。
Yeah, we talked about it.
是的，我们讨论过。
Chana Joffe-Walt Was it nice to have somebody to--
Chana Joffe-Walt 有人能够——
It was nice to have somebody to talk about it with because my parents hadn't gone to college.
很高兴有人可以和我谈论这件事，因为我的父母没有上过大学。
Nobody could really help us, you know?
没有人能真正帮助我们，你知道吗？
We just sort of needed to figure it out together.
我们只是需要一起解决这个问题。
We kind of troubleshooted some problems, like the book situation.
我们解决了一些问题，比如书籍的情况。
Were you the one who told him that he should go to the library?
是你告诉他应该去图书馆的吗？
Mm-hm.
嗯嗯。
Yeah, because that's what I was doing.
是的，因为这就是我正在做的事情。
It had not occurred to either of them that the beautiful, freestanding library on campus was there to serve them and had a lot of the books they needed for free.
他们都没有想到，校园里美丽的独立图书馆就是为他们服务的，并且免费提供大量他们需要的书籍。
But when Raquel panicked, she went to the student center and learned about the library and the interlibrary loan system.
但当拉克尔惊慌失措时，她去了学生中心，了解了图书馆和馆际互借系统。
She told Jonathan, 200 miles away, who still had not asked a soul.
她告诉了 200 英里外的乔纳森，乔纳森仍然没有问过任何人。
And Jonathan was the one who was in Posse.
乔纳森就是团队中的那个人。
Posse scholars have a 90% college graduation rate.
一批学者的大学毕业率高达90%。
The program is full of supports for kids just like him.
该计划为像他这样的孩子提供了充分的支持。
He had months of training from Posse before he even went to college.
在上大学之前，他就在 Posse 接受了几个月的训练。
He had a special campus mentor.
他有一位特殊的校园导师。
Posse was calling him and sending him letters.
波塞给他打电话并给他寄信。
He was ignoring it all.
他无视这一切。
A few months into his first semester, Jonathan was barely getting outside of his room-- or his head.
第一个学期开始几个月后，乔纳森几乎没有走出他的房间——或者他的头脑。
I need to go to class.
我需要去上课。
You need to talk to somebody.
你需要和某人谈谈。
And then there's another voice that's like, nah, you're going to be embarrassed.
然后还有另一个声音说，不，你会感到尴尬。
It's embarrassing.
真尴尬。
Anyway, you're not going to have the money, so how is that going to help?
无论如何，你不会有钱，那有什么帮助呢？
You know, asking for help is being vulnerable.
你知道，寻求帮助是一种脆弱的表现。
And the only person I was vulnerable with was Raquel.
唯一让我容易受到伤害的人就是拉奎尔。
And sometimes, I would just lie like, yeah, I did homework today.
有时，我会撒谎，比如，是的，我今天做了作业。
You started lying to her?
你开始对她撒谎了？
Jonathan Gonzales Yeah, because it was too much pressure.
乔纳森·冈萨雷斯 是的，因为压力太大了。
But-- and I don't-- I just don't want help from them.
但是——我不——我只是不想从他们那里得到帮助。
Because I wasn't in close proximity to him and I couldn't help, and I couldn't save him-- and I wasn't trying to save him, but it was like-- you know, I tried everything to sort of keep him afloat, even though I was barely with my head above the water as well.
因为我离他不太近，所以我无能为力，也无法救他——我并不想救他，但就像——你知道，我尽一切努力让他浮在水面上，尽管我的头也几乎没有露出水面。
But we were floating together.
但我们一起漂浮。
But he seemed like, at times, he would drown.
但有时他似乎会被淹死。
And I was trying to help him.
我试图帮助他。
But it got to be-- it wasn't enough after a certain amount of time, you know?
但一定是——在一段时间之后还不够，你知道吗？
He was tired of me pushing him.
他厌倦了我推他。
He sort of just-- you know, I don't know-- just kind of let go.
他有点——你知道，我不知道——只是有点放手。
In the middle of her junior year, Raquel let go of Jonathan.
大三中期，拉克尔放弃了乔纳森。
They broke up.
他们分手了。
By this point, Jonathan was so far behind, the school was warning him he'd be expelled.
此时，乔纳森已经远远落后，学校警告他将被开除。
He'd already been suspended twice.
他已经被停职两次了。
He did not respond to the letters, did not tell anyone what was happening.
他没有回复这些信件，也没有告诉任何人发生了什么事。
Jonathan appeared to be unable to see how bad it was himself.
乔纳森似乎看不出自己的处境有多糟糕。
He went back to school after Christmas break that year.
那年圣诞假期结束后，他回到了学校。
The way I found out that I failed out of Wheaton was by going back to the school.
我发现自己未能从惠顿毕业的方法是回到学校。
And my roommate opened the door, and he was like, yeah, man, they changed the lock.
我的室友打开了门，他说，是的，伙计，他们换了锁。
Somebody else is coming in.
还有人进来了。
And so right then, I was like, oh, shit.
就在那时，我就想，哦，该死。
And the dean was like, you need to leave immediately.
院长说，你需要立即离开。
You cannot be on this campus.
你不能在这个校园里。
You need to leave immediately.
你需要立即离开。
I felt like I had to go to my mom and say, listen, you were right.
我觉得我必须去找我妈妈说，听着，你是对的。
I'm not shit.
我不是屎。
Jonathan came back to the Bronx, got a job at the front desk of a gym, and moved back in with his mom.
乔纳森回到布朗克斯，在一家健身房的前台找到了一份工作，然后搬回和他妈妈住在一起。
Raquel finished her senior year without Jonathan.
拉奎尔在没有乔纳森的情况下完成了她的高三学业。
She unfriended him on Facebook.
她在脸书上取消了他的好友关系。
But other friends she had on Facebook seemed to be struggling with the same things he had.
但她在 Facebook 上的其他朋友似乎也面临着与他同样的问题。
All the time, Raquel would see the same news.
拉克尔总是会看到同样的新闻。
So-and-so flunked out of that school, or this kid partied too much and got kicked out.
某某因不及格而被学校退学，或者这个孩子参加太多聚会而被开除。
Her high school friends were failing at college, one by one.
她的高中朋友在大学里一一都失败了。
Jonathan was not the anomaly, she was.
乔纳森不是异常者，她才是。
By the time she graduated, Raquel was the only person she knew of who made it.
当她毕业时，拉奎尔是她认识的唯一成功的人。
Raquel is now more than twice as likely as Jonathan to make it into the middle class-- statistically more likely to be employed, to be healthy, to enjoy her daily work, to have a happy marriage.
现在，拉奎尔进入中产阶级的可能性是乔纳森的两倍多——从统计数据来看，拉克尔更有可能就业、身体健康、享受日常工作、拥有幸福的婚姻。
But most poor kids who make it to college do not make it to graduation.
但大多数上了大学的贫困孩子却没能毕业。
In fact, the number is shockingly low.
事实上，这个数字低得惊人。
Less than one fifth finish in six years.
六年内完成学业的不到五分之一。
There are swarms of researchers trying to figure out what to do about this right now.
目前有大量研究人员试图找出解决办法。
Education is the best way to cross class barriers.
教育是跨越阶级障碍的最佳途径。
And in many cases, education seems to be the barrier.
在许多情况下，教育似乎是障碍。
Pablo Muriel, the high school teacher who all these kids remember and loved, he knows this very well.
巴勃罗·穆里尔（Pablo Muriel）是所有孩子们都记得和喜爱的高中老师，他非常清楚这一点。
Just listen to what happened when I asked Pablo if he remembered Raquel.
听听当我问巴勃罗是否记得拉克尔时发生了什么。
Yeah, Raquel.
是的，拉奎尔。
Of course, I remember her.
当然，我记得她。
She went to Bard-- Bard College.
她去了巴德学院——巴德学院。
She's already graduated?
她已经毕业了？
Chana Joffe-Walt She graduated and she's teaching.
Chana Joffe-Walt 她毕业了，正在教书。
(GASPING) I'm so proud of her.
（喘气）我为她感到骄傲。
That's beautiful.
那好美丽。
Oh, my god.
我的天啊。
I'm so proud of her.
我为她感到骄傲。
That's beautiful.
那好美丽。
That's awesome.
太棒了。
Pablo is Puerto Rican.
巴勃罗是波多黎各人。
He grew up in the Bronx, in the projects.
他在布朗克斯的项目中长大。
So when he told kids they could make it to college, it was credible because he did it.
因此，当他告诉孩子们他们可以上大学时，这是可信的，因为他做到了。
He graduated college.
他大学毕业了。
He went to graduate school, traveled the world.
他读了研究生，环游世界。
Pablo says it's important for kids to see someone like them succeed.
巴勃罗说，对于孩子们来说，看到像他们这样的人取得成功很重要。
But he also feels deeply ambivalent about playing this role.
但他对于扮演这个角色也感到非常矛盾。
He still tells kids to go to college because what else is he supposed to do?
他仍然告诉孩子们去上大学，因为他还能做什么？
And it's sort of something to reach for.
这是一种值得追求的东西。
I didn't want them to feel like this is it, and there's no way out.
我不想让他们觉得事情就这样了，没有出路。
But unfortunately-- I'm going to be very sincere-- with most of the kids that have graduated-- I've kept in touch with so many of them-- only a handful have actually been the Raquel Hardys.
但不幸的是——我会非常真诚地——对于大多数已经毕业的孩子——我和他们中的很多人都保持着联系——只有少数人实际上是拉奎尔·哈代一家。
I just had someone visit me yesterday, Anthony, who went to Hampshire, got a full scholarship.
昨天刚有人来看我，安东尼，去汉普郡，拿到了全额奖学金。
He called me a year later and said, I can't do it.
一年后他打电话给我说，我做不到。
I'm sorry.
对不起。
I'm leaving, you know?
我要走了，你知道吗？
Columbia University, Fordham University.
哥伦比亚大学、福特汉姆大学。
There was one young lady who was part of that program, as well.
还有一位年轻女士也参与了该计划。
She went to Fordham University, and she left.
她去了福特汉姆大学，然后离开了。
She couldn't hack it.
她无法破解它。
And we're talking about the Bronx, you know?
我们正在谈论布朗克斯，你知道吗？
Fordham University.
福特汉姆大学。
She couldn't do it.
她做不到。
Pablo says Bard College, Columbia, these are Fieldstons.
巴勃罗说，哥伦比亚巴德学院，这些都是菲尔德斯顿。
And he imagines that what happened to lots of his former students is probably the same thing that happened to them at Fieldston.
他认为，他以前的许多学生所发生的事情可能与他们在菲尔德斯顿发生的事情是一样的。
They were dropped into a foreign land and asked to mentally imagine themselves as belonging.
他们被扔到异国他乡，并被要求在精神上想象自己的归属感。
That's hard to do.
这很难做到。
In fact, the entire project of Raquel's life has been trying to convince herself she does belong.
事实上，拉克尔一生的整个计划一直在试图说服自己，她确实属于这里。
In this regard, she is a mental gladiator.
从这一点来说，她是一位心理角斗士。
Because this project did not end when she got into the prestigious college.
因为这个项目并没有在她进入名牌大学后结束。
It did not end when she graduated from that college or when, after college, she landed an excellent job interview at a law firm to be a paralegal.
当她从那所大学毕业，或者大学毕业后，她在一家律师事务所获得了一份出色的面试机会，成为一名律师助理时，这一切并没有结束。
Even though I got my foot in the door by having a good resume and maybe giving a good phone interview, when I get in there, I'm like, I don't deserve this.
尽管我通过良好的简历和可能的电话面试而踏入了大门，但当我进入那里时，我想，我不应该得到这个。
It's not-- the pay grade salary was above what I deserve.
并不是——工资等级的工资超出了我应得的。
This is more money than either of my parents have ever made, probably.
这可能比我父母赚的钱都多。
And those things go through my mind when I'm walking into a place that I'm trying to apply for work.
当我走进一个我想要申请工作的地方时，这些事情就会出现在我的脑海中。
And so how could you convince somebody that you deserve it when you don't even believe it yourself?
那么，当你自己都不相信时，你如何才能让别人相信你应得的呢？
It's like a reoccurring theme in my life.
这就像我生活中反复出现的主题。
I have to tell myself that I deserve this because I work really hard for it.
我必须告诉自己，这是我应得的，因为我为此付出了很大的努力。
She has to ignore the fancy library that she did not get to enjoy in high school, the bad grades she got in college, the fact that she can't afford books, the fact that she's the only black kid in class, the fact that her peers in college already knew how to use a semicolon correctly, the Facebook stream of high school friends dropping out of college one at a time, and the boyfriend who deeply, more deeply than her, believes the message confirmed again and again by all these things, that he is unworthy.
她不得不忽略高中时没有享受过的豪华图书馆、大学时成绩不佳、买不起书的事实、班上唯一的黑人孩子的事实、大学里的同龄人已经知道如何正确使用分号的事实、高中朋友从大学退学的Facebook信息流，以及比她更深层次的男友，他一次又一次地相信所有这些事情一次又一次证实的信息，即他不值得。
Raquel has to not look at the mountain of evidence that what she's working toward will not be possible, and instead has to repeat to herself, you do deserve this.
拉奎尔不必去看堆积如山的证据，证明她正在努力的目标是不可能实现的，而必须对自己重复一遍，你确实应得的。
You deserve this.
这是你应得的。
You do deserve this.
你确实应得的。
And that's what I did while I was at Fieldston.
这就是我在菲尔德斯顿时所做的事情。
And that's what I did when I was at Bard.
这就是我在巴德时所做的。
And that's what I do on my job interviews now.
这就是我现在在工作面试中所做的。
That's what I do at work.
这就是我在工作中所做的。
Raquel keeps waiting for the sense of entitlement to set in, the bravado she sees in her peers from Bard.
拉奎尔一直在等待权利感的出现，她在巴德的同辈身上看到了虚张声势的感觉。
She can fake it, but she hasn't gotten to the point where she truly feels it.
她可以假装，但还没有达到真正感受到的程度。
I mentioned this to Pablo.
我向巴勃罗提到过这一点。
And I'm going to be very sincere with you.
我会对你非常真诚。
I am 36 years old, and I have two master's degrees, and I'm all but dissertation at this point-- I'm working on my dissertation now-- and I still feel that way.
我今年 36 岁，有两个硕士学位，现在我正在写论文——我现在正在写论文——我仍然有这样的感觉。
It is something that will never leave.
这是永远不会离开的东西。
This group of kids got their first peek over the fence a decade ago now.
十年前，这群孩子第一次越过栅栏偷看。
And Melanie, the girl who found it so upsetting as a 15-year-old that she ran away, she's 25 now.
梅兰妮，那个在 15 岁时因为感到如此沮丧而离家出走的女孩，现在已经 25 岁了。
She's the same person she was at 15, but there are no longer people around to tell her, you are exceptional.
她还是15岁时的她，但周围不再有人告诉她，你很出色。
You're going to make something of yourself.
你将会有所作为。
What there is are customers in an upscale supermarket with red banners out front announcing luxury apartments upstairs.
一家高档超市里有顾客，前面挂着红色横幅，宣布楼上有豪华公寓。
When you described being at Fieldston and seeing these kids are going to be doctors and lawyers and we're going to be the people opening doors for them and serving them, do you feel like that's you now?
当你描述在菲尔德斯顿看到这些孩子将成为医生和律师，而我们将成为为他们敞开大门并为他们服务的人时，你觉得现在就是你吗？
Absolutely.
绝对地。
100%.
100%。
That's why I'm so ashamed of my job.
这就是为什么我对自己的工作感到羞耻。
I don't really tell people what I do for a living.
我并没有真正告诉人们我以什么为生。
You know, I felt like we were there to service people like that.
你知道，我觉得我们是来为这样的人服务的。
And that's what I service.
这就是我所服务的。
I service people that definitely express that they're better than us and let you know you're not on their level.
我服务的人明确表示他们比我们更好，并让你知道你不在他们的水平上。
I hate telling people where I work, because I hate-- it's a supermarket.
我讨厌告诉别人我在哪里工作，因为我讨厌——那是一家超市。
And that's-- I really want to shake that off of me.
那就是——我真的很想把它从我身上甩掉。
That's been almost nine years of my life, and I'm just like, I have to move on.
我的人生已经过去九年了，我想，我必须继续前进。
I just really want out.
我只是真的想出去。
There's this one thing I keep replaying in my head after talking to all these people.
与所有这些人交谈后，我脑海中不断回想起一件事。
It's the story Angela Vassos told me about Melanie getting into Middlebury.
这是安吉拉·瓦索斯告诉我的关于梅兰妮进入米德尔伯里的故事。
Do you remember that?
你还记得吗？
The teacher from Fieldston, the private school?
私立菲尔斯顿学校的老师？
You remember how vivid Angela's memory was?
你还记得安吉拉的记忆有多清晰吗？
And she says, Melanie, come here.
她说，梅兰妮，过来。
Melanie goes up.
梅兰妮站了起来。
There are 50 people in the room.
房间里有 50 个人。
She says, Middlebury accepted you, full scholarship.
她说，米德尔伯里大学录取了你，并提供全额奖学金。
Melanie did not get into Middlebury.
梅兰妮没有进入米德尔伯里。
She doesn't remember this moment at all.
她根本不记得这一刻。
But Angela does, clearly.
但安吉拉显然是这么做的。
Even today, she acknowledges it must not have been what really happened, but she remembers it.
即使在今天，她也承认这一定不是真正发生的事情，但她记得。
I have a theory about this.
我对此有一个理论。
I think Angela has this memory of Melanie making it-- triumphantly making it-- because it is really hard to believe that Melanie would not make it.
我认为安吉拉对梅兰妮成功的记忆——胜利地成功——因为真的很难相信梅兰妮不会成功。
And I can completely understand that.
我完全可以理解这一点。
I met Melanie in November, and I still call her most weeks just to say, so what happened-- with your dentist, with your grades, with that meeting with your professor?
我在 11 月份遇见了梅兰妮，大多数时候我仍然给她打电话，只是想问一下，那么，你的牙医、你的成绩、与你的教授的会面发生了什么？
I keep expecting there to be news, like she's about to get her big break or something and things will happen for her.
我一直期待着有消息，比如她即将获得重大突破或者发生什么事情，她会发生一些事情。
It feels suspenseful, but nothing has happened for her for 10 years.
感觉很悬疑，但是十年来她什么也没发生。
I think it's some special brand of American pathological optimism that so many of us believe the story of Melanie has to turn out to be happy.
我认为这是美国病态乐观主义的某种特殊品牌，我们很多人都相信梅兰妮的故事一定会是幸福的。
And that if it doesn't, something unusual has happened-- and not just this is what happens all the time, that the supermarket might be full of Melanies.
如果没有，就会发生一些不寻常的事情——而且不仅仅是这样，超市里可能挤满了梅兰妮。
Chana Joffe-Walt is one of the producers of our program.
查纳·乔夫-沃尔特 (Chana Joffe-Walt) 是我们节目的制作人之一。
It's now been three years since we first broadcast this story.
距离我们第一次播出这个故事已经过去三年了。
Raquel, Jonathan, and Melanie all decided that they want to be educators like their teacher Pablo Muriel.
拉克尔、乔纳森和梅兰妮都决定成为像他们的老师巴勃罗·穆里尔一样的教育家。
And Raquel's been a teacher for awhile.
拉奎尔当老师已经有一段时间了。
Jonathan's recently become a school aide in the Bronx.
乔纳森最近成为布朗克斯区的一名学校助理。
Melanie is still at the supermarket, working toward a job as a school aid.
梅兰妮仍在超市工作，寻找一份学校助教的工作。
Our program was produced today by Nancy Updike with Zoe Chace, Sean Cole, Stephanie Foo, Chana Joffe-Walt, Miki Meek, Jonathan Menjivar, Brian Reed, Robyn Semien, and Alissa Shipp.
今天我们的节目由 Nancy Updike 与 Zoe Chace、Sean Cole、Stephanie Foo、Chana Joffe-Walt、Miki Meek、Jonathan Menjivar、Brian Reed、Robyn Semien 和 Alissa Shipp 共同制作。
Our senior producer is Julie Snyder.
我们的高级制片人是朱莉·斯奈德。
Editing on today's show from Paul Tough and Joel Lovell.
保罗·托夫和乔尔·洛弗尔对今天的节目进行编辑。
Production help from Simon Adler.
西蒙·阿德勒 (Simon Adler) 提供制作帮助。
Seth Lind is our operations director.
塞思·林德 (Seth Lind) 是我们的运营总监。
Emily Condon is our production manager.
艾米丽·康登 (Emily Condon) 是我们的生产经理。
Elise Bergerson is our office manager.
埃莉斯·伯格森 (Elise Bergerson) 是我们的办公室经理。
Adrianne Mathiowetz runs our website.
阿德琳娜·马修韦茨 (Adrianne Mathiowetz) 负责运营我们的网站。
Elna Baker scouts stories for our show.
艾尔娜·贝克为我们的节目寻找故事。
Research help today from Michelle Harris.
米歇尔·哈里斯今天提供研究帮助。
Music help from Rob Geddis.
罗布·格迪斯 (Rob Geddis) 提供音乐帮助。
Our website, thisamericanlife.org.
我们的网站 thisamericanlife.org。
This American Life is delivered to public radio stations by PRX, the Public Radio Exchange.
《美国生活》由公共广播电台 PRX 向公共广播电台播出。
Thanks as always to our program's cofounder, Mr. Torey Malatia.
一如既往地感谢我们项目的联合创始人 Torey Malatia 先生。
You know, every year when Beyonce fails to win album of the year, Torey walks out of our Grammy party saying--
你知道，每年当碧昂斯未能赢得年度专辑时，托里在离开我们的格莱美派对时都会说——
This is unfair.
这是不公平的。
This is-- I don't want to be here.
这是——我不想呆在这里。
I'm leaving.
我要走了。
I'm leaving right now.
我现在就离开。
I'm going home.
我要回家了。
I'm Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯。
Back next week with more stories of This American Life.
下周我们将带来更多《美国生活》的故事。
This American Life This American Life is produced in collaboration with WBEZ Chicago and delivered to stations by PRX The Public Radio Exchange.
This American Life This American Life 与 WBEZ Chicago 合作制作，并由 PRX 公共广播电台传送到各电台。