55: Three Women and the Sex Industry - This American Life
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00:00 00:00 Transcript Share This American Life Life Partners How to Listen Episodes Recommended About Overview Staff Announcements Fellowships Jobs Music Make Radio On The Road FAQ Submissions Merch Contact Us Our Other Shows Merch Follow Us Life Partners Subscribe to our newsletter Full episode Toggle Audio and Transcript Sync Transcript | Episode #55 | February 28, 1997 55: Three Women and the Sex Industry Note: This American Life is produced for the ear and designed to be heard.
00:00 00:00 文字记录 分享此 美国生活 生活伙伴 如何收听 剧集 推荐 关于 概述 员工公告 奖学金 工作 音乐 在路上制作电台 常见问题解答 提交 商品 联系我们 我们的其他节目 商品 关注我们 生活伙伴 订阅我们的时事通讯 整集 切换音频和文字记录同步 文字记录 | 内容第 55 集 | 1997 年 2 月 28 日 55：三个女人和性产业 注：《美国生活》是为耳朵而制作的，旨在让人们听到。
If you are able, we strongly encourage you to listen to the audio, which includes emotion and emphasis that's not on the page.
如果可以的话，我们强烈建议您收听音频，其中包括页面上没有的情感和重点。
Transcripts are generated using a combination of speech recognition software and human transcribers, and may contain errors.
文字记录是使用语音识别软件和人工转录员结合生成的，可能包含错误。
Please check the corresponding audio before quoting in print.
请在印刷版引用前检查相应的音频。
Prologue Ira Glass So Sarah was a college graduate, 22, just moved to San Francisco, broke.
序言 Ira Glass 莎拉是一名大学毕业生，22 岁，刚刚搬到旧金山，一文不名。
And while waiting for the bus on Geary Street, she called a friend.
在吉尔里街等公共汽车时，她给朋友打了电话。
But actually, I can't tell you what the friend said without first warning you that the content of the friend's advice might not be suitable for younger listeners.
但实际上，我不能在不先警告你朋友建议的内容可能不适合年轻听众的情况下告诉你朋友说的话。
In fact, the content of most of today's program-- it's This American Life by the way.
事实上，今天节目的大部分内容——顺便说一下，就是《美国生活》。
I'm Ira Glass-- may not be suitable for younger listeners.
我是艾拉·格拉斯——可能不适合年轻听众。
Today's program is Stories of Three Women and the Sex Industry.
今天的节目是三个女人和性产业的故事。
So Sarah's on the street, needs a job.
莎拉流落街头，需要一份工作。
Calls her friend from college.
给她大学的朋友打电话。
Her friend says, come do phone sex with me.
她的朋友说，来和我做电话性爱吧。
And so I went to her house that night and we got drunk and took phone sex calls.
那天晚上我去了她家，我们喝醉了，还接了性爱电话。
And I did it for the first time and I was really good at it.
我是第一次这样做，而且我真的很擅长。
And we made like $80.
我们赚了大约 80 美元。
And what was it like that first night?
第一个晚上感觉如何？
What instructions did she give you?
她给了你什么指示？
She gave me a list of dirty words.
她给了我一张脏话清单。
It wasn't even a list, it was like just this collage.
它甚至不是一个清单，它就像一张拼贴画。
Typed or handwritten?
打字还是手写？
Sarah Handwritten.
莎拉手写。
And just every single word that's associated with sex, either profanity or you know just words like "wet" and "hot" and "steamy." And she said that if you got lost, you could really just string them together.
还有每一个与性有关的词，要么是脏话，要么是你知道的“湿”、“热”和“热气腾腾”之类的词。她说如果你迷路了，你真的可以把它们串在一起。
And she was really, really, really funny.
她真的、真的、真的很有趣。
The guys on the phone seemed like the normal range of guys you meet, Sarah says.
莎拉说，打电话的人看起来就像你遇到的正常人一样。
Some unlikable, maybe 20% she felt like she could have been friends with.
有些人不讨人喜欢，也许有 20% 的人她觉得自己可以成为朋友。
Another 10% that she really liked.
另外10%是她真正喜欢的。
She would do calls where she was supposed to dominate the man and calls where she was supposed to be black or Asian.
她会在她应该控制那个男人的地方打电话，在她应该是黑人或亚洲人的地方打电话。
You could just sort of do this accent.
你可以用这种口音。
It was incredibly un-PC.
这是令人难以置信的非PC。
But you could just sort of do this accent which approximated like a guy in Nebraska's idea of what it is that an Asian woman talks like and they would believe you.
但你可以用这种口音，就像内布拉斯加州的一个男人认为亚洲女人说话的方式一样，他们会相信你。
OK.
好的。
So for example, if you were to say something to me in this accent.
举例来说，如果你用这种口音对我说些什么。
For example, describe where you're sitting right now as this Asian woman.
例如，描述一下这位亚洲女性您现在坐在哪里。
You know, I really-- Ira Glass Your dignity will preclude you from doing that?
你知道吗，我真的——艾拉·格拉斯（Ira Glass）你的尊严会阻止你这么做吗？
Yes, it will.
是的，会的。
It really will.
真的会的。
I don't have that much dignity, but I can't do that.
我没有那么大的尊严，但我做不到。
Well, I will respect that.
嗯，我会尊重这一点。
Sarah I also had a British accent, which was really, really awful which I modeled after the woman on LA Law.
莎拉，我还有英国口音，这真的非常非常糟糕，我模仿了《洛杉矶法律》中的那位女士。
Come on, let's here that.
来吧，让我们在这里。
Sarah No, I'm not going to do it for you.
莎拉 不，我不会为你做这件事。
How was that?
怎么样？
That wasn't very good.
那不太好。
The guy in the control room in sort of shaking his head at me.
控制室里的那个人对我摇了摇头。
I want you to unzip your pants for me.
我要你帮我解开裤子拉链。
Please, darling.
拜托，亲爱的。
All right, you can stop right there.
好吧，你可以就停在那里。
It's public broadcasting.
这是公共广播。
She did phone sex for a year, then got a job as a naked dancer.
她做了一年的电话性爱，然后找到了一份裸体舞者的工作。
She did this for two years.
她这样做了两年。
She said that she hurt her back dancing for hours in high heels.
她说她穿着高跟鞋跳舞几个小时，导致背部受伤。
She hated her bosses.
她讨厌她的老板。
Every now and then a customer would say something mean to her.
时不时就有顾客对她说一些难听的话。
But she really, really liked the women she worked with.
但她真的非常喜欢和她一起工作的女性。
And on a Saturday night, she would have a better time dancing naked at her job to loud music than say, going to a party with her friends.
周六晚上，她会在工作时随着吵闹的音乐裸体跳舞，而不是和朋友去参加聚会。
Because everyone kept trying to tell me, oh, you know, you really hate this job.
因为每个人都一直试图告诉我，哦，你知道，你真的很讨厌这份工作。
And you just don't know that you hate it.
而你只是不知道你讨厌它。
But I couldn't feel that I hated it.
但我感觉不到我讨厌它。
I called my sort of like closest friend and said, do you think it's stupid that I'm doing this?
我打电话给我最亲密的朋友说，你认为我这样做很愚蠢吗？
Like I don't feel like I don't like this job.
我不觉得自己不喜欢这份工作。
I feel like I like it.
我感觉我喜欢它。
I get up in the morning and I go to it and I don't mind.
我早上起床就去做，我并不介意。
And he was like, well, if you feel like you like it, then you probably do.
他说，好吧，如果你觉得你喜欢它，那么你可能会喜欢。
That was sort of a ramble.
这有点像闲逛。
But I guess what I'm trying to say is there were really, really crappy things about it, but it was so far from the worst job that I've ever had.
但我想我想说的是，这确实有一些非常糟糕的事情，但这远不是我做过的最糟糕的工作。
I'm just going to stop the tape right here.
我要在这里停止录像。
I'm just going to stop the tape and come in live to give you a moment to consider what that worse job might be before she gives her answer.
在她给出答案之前，我将停止录像并进入现场，让您有时间考虑一下更糟糕的工作可能是什么。
OK, are we all thinking now?
好吧，我们现在都在想吗？
All right, here we go.
好吧，我们开始吧。
Being a grant writer for the Central Park Conservancy.
担任中央公园保护协会的资助作家。
Being a grant writer?
成为资助作家？
A job I myself have done.
我自己也做过一项工作。
She said she didn't like working in an office.
她说她不喜欢在办公室工作。
She didn't like taking orders.
她不喜欢接受命令。
Being naked in front of strangers was preferable to taking orders.
在陌生人面前裸体比接受命令更好。
She says if you want to understand what this job is like, she says it's really-- for her anyway-- not that different than other service industry jobs that she's had.
她说，如果你想了解这份工作是什么样的，她说，无论如何，这对她来说，与她从事过的其他服务行业工作并没有太大不同。
I think it was like day-to-day, just pretty much like any job that's not a great job.
我认为这就像日常工作一样，就像任何不是一份好工作的工作一样。
It's like waitressing.
这就像女服务员。
There are some days where you're waitressing and you're going, oh, this is pretty cool.
有时候你当服务员的时候你会说，哦，这太酷了。
I'm making pretty good money.
我赚了很多钱。
I'm working out on the patio today.
我今天在露台上锻炼。
It's nice out.
出去真好。
And some days were like, if I have to ask one more person what they want on their hamburger, I'm going to shoot myself.
有些日子就像，如果我不得不再问一个人他们想要什么汉堡，我就会开枪自杀。
Well, that was Sarah's experience.
嗯，这就是莎拉的经历。
Other women have a different experience in the sex industry.
其他女性在性行业有不同的经历。
Today on our program, Act One, someone whose life comes apart working in the go-go clubs.
今天，在我们的节目《第一幕》中，一个在舞厅工作的人的生活支离破碎。
Act Two, a guy who prefers pornography to having sex with his girlfriend changes.
第二幕，一个更喜欢色情片而不是和女朋友发生性关系的男人发生了变化。
Stay with us.
留在我们身边。
Act One, Susan.
第一幕，苏珊。
Last summer, reporter and radio producer Sandy Tolan was going to do a story about the sex industry from the worker's prospective, with a woman named Susan Walsh.
去年夏天，记者兼电台制作人桑迪·托兰（Sandy Tolan）打算从工人的角度报道性产业，采访对象是一位名叫苏珊·沃尔什（Susan Walsh）的女性。
Walsh was an aspiring writer who worked in go-go bars in New Jersey to support her son.
沃尔什是一位有抱负的作家，为了养活儿子，她在新泽西州的一家酒吧工作。
And then a week or so before they were going to start work on their documentary, Susan Walsh disappeared.
然后，在他们准备开始制作纪录片的前一周左右，苏珊·沃尔什失踪了。
On July 16, she left her home in Nutley, New Jersey, to make a call at a pay phone on the corner.
7月16日，她离开新泽西州纳特利的家，去街角的公用电话拨打电话。
She didn't have a phone at home.
她家里没有电话。
She left her wallet, her keys, and her beeper behind.
她留下了钱包、钥匙和传呼机。
She told her son that she would be right back, and she never came back.
她告诉儿子她马上就回来，但她再也没有回来。
Everybody close to her assumes that she's dead.
所有与她关系密切的人都认为她已经死了。
So Sandy Tolan decided to set out on a different story.
因此，桑迪·托兰决定讲述一个不同的故事。
To try to understand what her life was like in the go-go bars of Jersey.
试图了解她在泽西岛的酒吧里的生活是什么样的。
And to understand what might have led to her life coming apart.
并了解是什么导致了她的生活分崩离析。
Again, a warning to parents, this is another story about the sex industry.
再次警告家长，这是另一个关于性行业的故事。
Large sections of it may not be suitable for younger listeners.
其中很大一部分可能不适合年轻的听众。
My first stop is at The Village Voice , where my old friend, James Ridgeway, works as a political correspondent.
我的第一站是《乡村之声》，我的老朋友詹姆斯·里奇韦 (James Ridgeway) 在那里担任政治记者。
Jim had suggested Susan Walsh and I work together.
吉姆建议我和苏珊·沃尔什一起工作。
She was the researcher for his new book, Red Light: Inside the Sex Industry, which tells the story from the point of view of the workers, strippers, street walkers, call girls, and porn actors.
她是他的新书《红灯：性产业内部》的研究员，该书从工人、脱衣舞娘、街头妓女、应召女郎和色情演员的角度讲述了这个故事。
I first met Susan Walsh in the offices of Screw magazine when I was working on a book about the sex industry.
我第一次见到苏珊·沃尔什是在《Screw》杂志的办公室里，当时我正在写一本关于性产业的书。
And I went to see Al Goldstein, who was the editor.
我去见了编辑艾尔·戈尔茨坦。
And as I was talking to him, I was complaining about how I couldn't get anywhere in this whole business.
当我和他谈话时，我抱怨我在整个事情上一事无成。
And asked him if he could give me some advice.
并问他是否可以给我一些建议。
And he said, well, you know, there's this woman that comes in here every so often and she writes for us and she'd be really good because she really knows this stuff.
他说，嗯，你知道，有一个女人经常来这里，她为我们写作，她会非常好，因为她真的知道这些东西。
And at that point, for some reason, this woman suddenly appeared and she had this kind of long, blonde hair.
而就在这个时候，不知道为什么，这个女人突然出现了，她有一头金色的长发。
It was kind of flying in the wind.
有点像在风中飞翔。
And she had this motorcycle jacket and she's real skinny and awkward looking.
她穿着这件机车夹克，看起来真的很瘦而且很尴尬。
She hardly looked like somebody you'd think was a striptease dancer, or go-go dancer.
她看起来一点也不像你认为的脱衣舞舞者或跳脱衣舞者。
She looked like kind of a college kid.
她看起来有点像大学生。
Only as I later learned that Susan was in her 30s.
后来我才知道，苏珊已经30多岁了。
A single mother trying to break into journalism paying the bills by dancing Jersey go-go.
一位单身母亲试图通过跳泽西舞来维持新闻业。
Susan started working with Jim, two, three days a week.
苏珊开始和吉姆一起工作，每周工作两三天。
And she was very smart.
而且她非常聪明。
She certainly knew the sex business like nobody I ever met when I was doing this book and I certainly met quite a few people.
她当然比我在写这本书时遇到的任何人都更了解性行业，而且我确实遇到了很多人。
She knew all aspects of it, and what she didn't know, she'd find out.
她知道这一切的方方面面，而她不知道的，她会找出来。
She was like a really good reporter.
她就像一个非常好的记者。
And she was a terrifically good mother.
她是一位非常好的母亲。
The big thing in her life was her kid.
她生命中最重要的事情就是她的孩子。
Her son, David, who at that time was 10, 11.
她的儿子大卫当时 10 岁、11 岁。
He would come to my office and he'd work on the computer.
他会来到我的办公室，在电脑上工作。
He'd work his homework while she did her work on the telephone or we talked.
他会做作业，而她则通过电话或我们聊天。
And she was just totally devoted to this boy.
而她却对这个男孩一心一意。
Susan longed to be a full-time writer.
苏珊渴望成为一名全职作家。
Jim got her to write a few pieces on go-go for the Voice .
吉姆让她为《好声音》写了一些关于 go-go 的文章。
He set her up with a couple of film and radio gigs, but dancing paid the bills.
他为她安排了几场电影和广播演出，但跳舞还是赚了钱。
She'd work six days a week sometimes, two shifts a day, just barely making it.
有时她一周工作六天，一天两班，勉强维持生计。
And she was always toting his bag around with her with her g-string and her heels.
她总是用丁字裤和高跟鞋带着他的包。
She didn't have the money to get on the PATH train to go home.
她没有钱坐 PATH 火车回家。
She would just check into one of these clubs and dance a set.
她只会去其中一个俱乐部并跳一组舞。
And see if she'd come out with $10.
看看她是否会拿出 10 美元。
Now that's not exactly the high life here.
现在这并不是这里的上流生活。
At dusk, I head through the Lincoln tunnel to the Jersey Turnpike, past the big, white oil storage tanks and the rusted globes of national gas.
黄昏时分，我穿过林肯隧道前往泽西收费公路，经过巨大的白色储油罐和生锈的天然气球。
I'm riding with Jill Morley, a writer and actress who worked in Jersey go-go until a couple of years ago when she got sick of it and left.
我和吉尔·莫利 (Jill Morley) 一起骑行，她是一位作家兼演员，曾在泽西岛工作，直到几年前她厌倦了工作并离开了。
Jill was a friend of Susan's.
吉尔是苏珊的朋友。
It's terribly sad.
真是太悲伤了。
I go in and out of being emotional about it because sometimes it just seems like it's too absurd to be true that it's happened.
我对此时而情绪激动，因为有时这件事的发生似乎太荒谬了，令人难以置信。
It just feels such a loss.
只是感觉这样的失落。
Jersey is the land of go-go, 350 clubs by one estimate.
泽西岛是一片热闹之地，据估计有 350 个俱乐部。
The most of any state.
是所有州中最多的。
We pull off the Turnpike and head into the small town of Belleville, just outside Newark.
我们驶下收费公路，前往纽瓦克郊外的贝尔维尔小镇。
We're trying to find an old haunt of Susan's.
我们正试图找到苏珊常去的地方。
And there it is right on a well lit main drag.
它就位于一条光线充足的主干道上。
Wiggles says the pink sign.
Wiggles 说的是粉红色的标志。
And below that a banner, breakfast special, legs and eggs.
下面是横幅、特价早餐、腿和鸡蛋。
Friday 7:00 AM to Noon.
周五上午 7:00 至中午。
This seems more like a place Susan would work.
这看起来更像是苏珊工作的地方。
It's more like divey and I don't know.
这更像是潜水，我不知道。
More regular looking women working.
看起来更正常的工作女性。
You know, very Jersey looking.
你知道，很像泽西岛。
On the narrow linoleum bar at Wiggles, a woman walks the gauntlet between the hands of men and the bottles of whiskey, gyrating in a Spandex bikini.
在 Wiggles 狭窄的油毡吧台上，一位女士穿着氨纶比基尼在男人的双手和威士忌酒瓶之间走来走去。
She pivots toward the men, pauses, presses her breasts together.
她转向男人们，停了下来，将乳房压在一起。
A customer lodges a folded up dollar bill in her cleavage.
一位顾客将一张折叠起来的美元钞票放在她的乳沟里。
At the bar, we ask around, but nobody seems to remember much about Susan Walsh.
在酒吧里，我们四处打听，但似乎没有人记得太多关于苏珊·沃尔什的事。
Can I ask you something?
我能问你一件事吗？
We're friends of Susan Walsh.
我们是苏珊·沃尔什的朋友。
But then a dancer tells us, oh, yeah, she remembers Susan.
但后来一位舞者告诉我们，哦，是的，她记得苏珊。
She takes Jill backstage to the dressing room where it's quieter.
她把吉尔带到后台更安静的更衣室。
Oh, yeah.
哦，是的。
I met her.
我遇见了她。
She was very nice.
她人很好。
She was really, really nice.
她真的非常非常好。
But I thought she was a little bit ditzy.
但我觉得她有点头晕。
And when I found out when she was missing and I read the article in the New York Times .
当我发现她失踪时，我读到了《纽约时报》上的这篇文章。
No, the New York Post and it said that she was working on a documentary and all this stuff.
不，《纽约邮报》说她正在制作一部纪录片之类的东西。
I was thinking, it's terrible that she didn't seem that smart to me.
我在想，可怕的是她在我看来并不那么聪明。
Not that she wasn't smart, but she seemed a little ditzy and she didn't seem that mature.
倒不是说她不聪明，只是她看起来有点傻，看起来不太成熟。
Then I found out she was 36 and I was surprised.
然后我发现她已经36岁了，我很惊讶。
Thought she looked really nice.
觉得她看起来真的很好看。
Whenever I seen her I thought she was very striking because she was so pale skinned and her hair was so white without looking phony.
每当我看到她时，我都觉得她很引人注目，因为她的皮肤很白，头发也很白，看起来一点也不假。
Most girls with white hair, it just looks bleached, it's phony.
大多数白头发的女孩，看起来只是漂白过的，这是假的。
It looked very natural on her.
她看起来很自然。
Whether it was real or not, I don't know.
到底是真是假，我不知道。
Somebody told me that her family pretty much thinks that she must be dead because she hasn't popped up yet and she would never leave her son.
有人告诉我，她的家人几乎认为她一定已经死了，因为她还没有出现，而且她永远不会离开她的儿子。
And they were saying maybe they should put it on Unsolved Mysteries.
他们说也许应该把它放在未解之谜上。
Maybe they'd find her then.
也许那时他们会找到她。
They are.
他们是。
They're doing it.
他们正在做。
Woman 1 Are they going to?
女人 1 他们要去吗？
When is it going to be on?
什么时候播出？
February 14 I think it's supposed to air.
2月14日我认为应该播出。
Wow.
哇。
That would be great.
那太好了。
Maybe something will come of it.
也许会有所收获。
Yeah, hopefully.
是的，希望如此。
Sandy Tolan And so it goes throughout the evening.
桑迪·托兰 整个晚上都是这样。
Jill and I walk into a go-go bar.
吉尔和我走进一家快闪酒吧。
Jill goes backstage and dancers speculates on what might have happened to Susan.
吉尔回到后台，舞者们猜测苏珊可能发生了什么事。
Maybe it was the Russian mob.
也许是俄罗斯暴徒干的。
Maybe it was the regular mob.
也许这是普通的暴民。
Maybe it was a deranged go-go patron.
也许这是一个疯狂的顾客。
Maybe somebody was mad at something she said in the book Red Light.
也许有人对她在《红灯》一书中所说的话感到愤怒。
It could have been anything.
它可能是任何东西。
Jill Morley You think she could have been bumped off maybe?
吉尔·莫利 你认为她可能会被赶走吗？
Who knows?
谁知道？
Who knows?
谁知道？
But there have been quite a few dancers that have been found in different areas.
但在不同地区已经发现了相当多的舞者。
Really?
真的吗？
Woman 2 Of course.
女人2 当然可以。
Yeah, you hear about it.
是的，你听说过。
In the [UNINTELLIGIBLE] magazine or in the newspaper.
在[无法辨认]杂志或报纸上。
It's never played up.
它从来没有被播放过。
Because everybody thinks, a go-go dancer.
因为每个人都认为，一个舞者。
Oh, she must be a slut or whatever.
哦，她一定是个荡妇什么的。
They're still people too, and whatever they do they do.
他们也是人，无论他们做什么，他们都会做什么。
But nobody deserves to be killed.
但没有人应该被杀。
Here, at the Marleybone, a dancer speaks in sharp, low tones, warning us not to ask too many questions about what happened to Susan.
在马利伯恩舞厅，一名舞者用尖锐、低沉的语调警告我们不要对苏珊的遭遇提出太多问题。
Here at Club After Dark, dozens of Russian women, part of the new wave of immigrant labor grind themselves into the laps of the men at the bar.
在夜色俱乐部这里，数十名俄罗斯女性——新一波移民劳工的一部分——在酒吧里挤进了男人的怀里。
Here at Club 516, smoke and Spandex and dead eyes.
在 516 俱乐部，烟雾、氨纶和死气沉沉的眼睛。
A woman mechanically pulling her skirt up and down as she stares at herself in the mirror.
一名女子盯着镜子里的自己，机械地上下拉动裙子。
I'm reminded of a photograph of Susan in the book Red Light.
我想起《红灯》一书中苏珊的一张照片。
She's on a carpeted stage, guys with beards are perched on bar stools enjoying a laugh.
她站在铺着地毯的舞台上，留着胡子的男人们坐在吧台凳上享受着欢笑。
And Susan, in a bikini, blonde hair falling over her shoulders, swivels her backside toward the men.
苏珊穿着比基尼，金色的头发披散在肩上，将她的背部转向男人们。
She's poised before the mirror, dazed, alone, in another world.
她站在镜子前，茫然、孤独，身处另一个世界。
Susan used to say that when she first got into go-go, it seemed like such a good idea.
苏珊常说，当她第一次接触 go-go 时，这似乎是个好主意。
Her she is telling her story on a radio talk show two weeks before she disappeared.
她在失踪两周前的一个广播脱口秀节目中讲述了她的故事。
I had been working for six years as a writer for engineering and business publications after college and raising a son pretty much on my own.
大学毕业后，我作为一名工程和商业出版物的作家工作了六年，并几乎独自抚养了一个儿子。
I was separated and I'd lost my job because of the recession.
由于经济衰退，我分居了并且失业了。
And I said, wow, how can I raise my son, go to graduate school, and take my writing out of the trade sector into the public sector and still do it all?
我说，哇，我怎样才能抚养我的儿子，去读研究生，并将我的写作从贸易部门转移到公共部门，并且仍然能够完成这一切？
Not just have time to make dinner and go to sleep every night.
不仅仅是每天晚上有时间做晚饭和睡觉。
And I thought it was an easy way out because I had a friend who was making thousands a week.
我认为这是一个简单的出路，因为我有一个每周赚数千美元的朋友。
She said to me, why don't you dance a couple nights a week, and then you can do whatever you want.
她对我说，你为什么不每周跳舞几个晚上，然后你就可以做任何你想做的事了。
Raise your kid, go to school.
养好孩子，上学。
I said, great.
我说，太好了。
At first I felt totally in control.
起初我感觉一切都在掌控之中。
Lots of attention, men loved me.
很多关注，男人爱我。
I'm getting attention.
我正在引起注意。
I'm the little princess on stage.
我是舞台上的小公主。
It's insidious and after a while I realized that it was exhausting.
这是阴险的，过了一段时间我意识到这让人筋疲力尽。
There were many hidden costs and I stayed in it for far too many years and I'm not happy with the fact that I am still dancing.
有很多隐性成本，我在其中呆了太多年，我对自己仍在跳舞这一事实并不满意。
Yes, I did complete half of my master's and I have been doing a lot of writing.
是的，我确实完成了一半的硕士学位，而且我一直在写很多东西。
But boy, what a high price I had to pay.
但是天哪，我必须付出多么高昂的代价啊。
At lunchtime, on the last day of July, I drive out to see Susan's mom, Martha Young, in Wayne, New Jersey.
七月最后一天的午餐时间，我开车去新泽西州韦恩市看望苏珊的妈妈玛莎·杨。
Susan's son, David, is visiting that day.
苏珊的儿子大卫那天来访。
Susan's been missing for two weeks now.
苏珊已经失踪两周了。
We eat lunch and make small talk, then they invite me to join them at a video arcade at the mall.
我们吃午餐并闲聊，然后他们邀请我和他们一起去商场的电子游戏厅。
What do you want to do [UNINTELLIGIBLE].
你想做什么[无法理解]。
Should we get the tickets first?
我们应该先买票吗？
Oh, Lucky & Wild.
哦，幸运与狂野。
That's a great two-player game.
这是一款很棒的两人游戏。
Martha watches David run off, dashing between video games.
玛莎看着大卫跑开，在电子游戏之间奔跑。
She's glad he's got something else to do besides think about his mother.
她很高兴他除了想念母亲之外还有别的事可做。
She says he's blocking his feelings, not wanting to confront the possibilities.
她说他正在压抑自己的感情，不想面对各种可能性。
I hope Suzy is still alive, but it's the not knowing that is so horrible.
我希望苏西还活着，但不知道才是如此可怕。
But it's also what would be worse is knowing that she isn't with us anymore.
但更糟糕的是知道她不再和我们在一起了。
I'm just crazy inside.
我只是内心疯狂。
I feel as though I'm broken apart.
我感觉自己好像支离破碎了。
This is all so unlike Susan, her mom says.
她妈妈说，这一切与苏珊完全不同。
She would never leave David like this.
她永远不会就这样离开大卫。
Then Martha pauses a moment.
然后玛莎停顿了一下。
She has something she wants to say.
她有话想说。
She stares at my microphone.
她盯着我的麦克风。
Hi, Suzy, this is mom.
嗨，苏西，这是妈妈。
If you're listening or if you hear about this, I want to give a message to you.
如果你正在听或者听说过这件事，我想向你传达一条信息。
I love you very, very much.
我非常非常爱你。
More than anybody in the world.
比世界上任何人都多。
And I just want to see you again.
我只想再次见到你。
And please, take good care of yourself wherever you are and know that you're loved and missed so much by everybody.
无论你身在何处，请照顾好自己，并知道每个人都非常爱你和想念你。
I love you.
我爱你。
Late October, three and a half months now since Susan disappeared.
十月底，苏珊失踪已经三个半月了。
Jill Morley and I are in Midtown, Manhattan.
吉尔·莫利和我在曼哈顿中城。
We're paying a visit on Susan's therapist, Mary Nolan, who works a lot with go-go girls and prostitutes.
我们正在拜访苏珊的治疗师玛丽·诺兰，她经常与性感女郎和妓女打交道。
We're trying to make sense of something.
我们正试图理解某件事。
By all accounts, Susan had a lot going for her outside of go-go, and she wasn't making much money dancing, yet she kept doing it.
从各方面来看，苏珊除了跳舞之外还有很多事情要做，而且她跳舞赚的钱不多，但她还是坚持跳舞。
Susan could not cut the ties with that world because it was a powerful pull for her.
苏珊无法切断与那个世界的联系，因为它对她有强大的吸引力。
So something was happening.
所以有些事情发生了。
I guess the term would be repetition compulsion.
我想这个词应该是强迫性重复。
It's acting out some type of an early event to get it right in the future.
它正在表演某种类型的早期事件，以便在未来得到正确的结果。
And she worked the whole gamut of the adult sex industry.
她涉足了成人性行业的各个领域。
I don't think she missed a wrinkle because she had a need to know and do this.
我不认为她错过了任何皱纹，因为她需要知道并这样做。
And then she had a need to write about it and tell people about it.
然后她需要写下来并告诉人们。
And now a striptease from the beautiful Susan Walsh for you out there in Midnight Blue land.
现在，美丽的苏珊·沃尔什 (Susan Walsh) 在《午夜蓝地》为您带来脱衣舞表演。
Hi, I'm Susan Walsh and I'm a dancer.
大家好，我是苏珊·沃尔什，我是一名舞者。
This is what I do for you when I dance in gentlemen's clubs.
这就是我在绅士俱乐部跳舞时为你做的事。
I move as if I were your lover, some fantastic embodiment of [?
我的动作就好像我是你的爱人一样，是[？
veloxed ?] beauty, breathless, hungry siren--
veloxed？]美丽，气喘吁吁，饥饿的海妖——
Susan wrote this essay for Al Goldstein's Midnight Blue porn cable show.
苏珊为艾尔·戈德斯坦的午夜蓝色色情有线电视节目写了这篇文章。
And defending the notion of free speech, they put it on.
为了捍卫言论自由的理念，他们穿上了它。
Now I will be [UNINTELLIGIBLE] for you.
现在我会[难以理解]为你服务。
You say you will, you must tease my sexual nerves.
你说你会，你一定会挑逗我的性神经。
You laugh when I struggle to protect my nipples from your raggedy fingers, as if I'm trying to believe the absurd notion that I'm real.
当我努力保护我的乳头免受你粗糙的手指伤害时，你笑了，就好像我试图相信我是真实的这个荒谬的想法。
She smiles, takes off her top, calls the bar patrons, "Pathetic droplets of insect mucus."
她微笑着，脱掉上衣，对酒吧顾客说：“可怜的昆虫粘液滴。”
We count the dollar bills you stuff into our costumes or fold into nauseatingly cute shapes like frogs or flowers.
我们数着你塞进我们的服装或折叠成青蛙或花朵等令人作呕的可爱形状的美元钞票。
We unravel it all at the end of the night, our legs coated with dust and bruises and memories of your existence rush from our mind.
我们在深夜解开这一切，我们的双腿沾满灰尘和瘀伤，关于你存在的记忆从我们的脑海中涌出。
If we thought about you too long, we'd go crazy.
如果我们想你太久，我们就会发疯。
So we stuff your bills in our pockets, just like we stuff the idea that maybe we all lost out.
所以我们把你的账单塞进我们的口袋，就像我们塞满了也许我们都输了的想法一样。
Maybe paying the rent just isn't worth--
也许付房租根本不值得——
Christmastime now, I'm back in New York.
现在圣诞节，我回到了纽约。
It's more than five months since anyone's heard a word from Susan.
已经五个多月没有人听到苏珊的消息了。
Susan's father, Floyd Merchant, drives in from New Jersey to see me.
苏珊的父亲弗洛伊德·麦钱特从新泽西开车来看我。
He looks like he's been crying.
他看起来像是刚刚哭过。
He says he often talked to Susan about quitting go-go.
他说他经常和苏珊谈论戒掉“go-go”的事情。
The go-go bars were the worst place for somebody with their head on straight.
对于头脑清醒的人来说，go-go 酒吧是最糟糕的地方。
Her's wasn't on straight.
她的不是直线。
First of all, she's a recovering alcoholic and drug addict and is sitting on the railroad tracks jumping off every time the train passes.
首先，她是一个正在康复的酒鬼和吸毒者，每次火车经过时她都会坐在铁轨上跳下。
And then jumping right back on.
然后又跳回来。
I thought she might have cardiac arrest.
我以为她可能心脏骤停。
I was almost sure she was going to go back to drinking and using.
我几乎可以肯定她会继续喝酒和吸毒。
Susan's health was failing.
苏珊的健康状况每况愈下。
She had emphysema, an ulcer, and chronic bronchitis.
她患有肺气肿、溃疡和慢性支气管炎。
And then she did start drinking and using drugs again, mixing them with the anti-anxiety drug, Xanax.
然后她又开始酗酒和吸毒，将它们与抗焦虑药 Xanax 混合。
It was a potent cocktail and Susan started getting more and more disconnected from reality.
这是一杯烈性鸡尾酒，苏珊开始越来越脱离现实。
She was already living in a fantasy world, in a paranoid fantasy world.
她已经生活在一个幻想的世界里，一个偏执的幻想世界里。
Not a happy fantasy world.
不是一个快乐的幻想世界。
She was running to people saying, there's a contract out on me, but don't tell anybody.
她跑向人们说，我的合同到期了，但不要告诉任何人。
Then she'd run to somebody else and say, there's a contract out on me, but don't tell anybody.
然后她会跑向其他人说，我的合同到期了，但不要告诉任何人。
And this is a preliminary to a real breakdown.
这是真正崩溃的初步。
She was addicted to the fantasy part of her life.
她沉迷于生活中的幻想。
A lot of the people that she associated with from the bars and stuff like that, they played the fantasy of FBI and CIA.
她在酒吧和类似的地方认识的很多人，他们都扮演着联邦调查局和中央情报局的幻想。
Now we're back in Jersey, Newark, on a windy, bitter December day.
现在我们回到了纽瓦克的泽西岛，那是十二月一个刮风、寒冷的日子。
Jill and I are visiting Melissa Hines, Susan's best friend.
吉尔和我正在拜访苏珊最好的朋友梅丽莎·海因斯。
She had a friend that claimed that he belonged to the CIA.
她有一个朋友声称他属于中央情报局。
He was playing the role that she wanted to hear.
他正在扮演她想听到的角色。
Oh, I'm CIA.
哦，我是中央情报局。
I'm going to Washington for the weekend.
我要去华盛顿度周末。
Oh, I'm working undercover against the mafia.
哦，我正在卧底打击黑手党。
So it was like this big role playing stuff that I think she lived for that fantasy and the danger that she thought she was in.
所以这就像这个大型角色扮演的东西，我认为她为这种幻想和她认为自己所处的危险而活。
It was crazy.
太疯狂了。
He turned out to be-- worked for a trucking company.
原来他在一家货运公司工作。
But lot of the fantasy world that she lived in, I think it had a lot to do with the fact that she was once diagnosed with bipolar disorder, manic depressiveness, and she wasn't taking her medication.
但她生活的很多幻想世界，我认为这与她曾经被诊断出患有双相情感障碍、躁狂抑郁症，而且她没有服用药物这一事实有很大关系。
So she needed a lot of help.
所以她需要很多帮助。
Dozens of presents are piled up under Melissa's Christmas tree, most for her nine-month-old boy.
梅丽莎的圣诞树下堆满了数十件礼物，其中大部分是送给她九个月大的儿子的。
Melissa's having a hard time talking to us.
梅丽莎很难和我们说话。
She and Susan used to celebrate Christmas together, and Susan was there when the baby was born.
她和苏珊经常一起庆祝圣诞节，孩子出生时苏珊也在场。
Melissa gets up, turns on a light, retrieves a well-worn folder.
梅丽莎站起来，打开灯，取出一个破旧的文件夹。
Like everyone in Susan's life, Melissa's been trying to figure out what happened.
和苏珊生活中的每个人一样，梅丽莎一直在试图弄清楚发生了什么。
It's different people that'd seen her.
见过她的人是不同的。
I wrote down who was calling her.
我记下了谁给她打电话。
Who she was associating with.
她和谁交往。
She was around a lot of different people.
她周围有很多不同的人。
I mean, Friday, July 12, Susan went to Towne Tap in Irvington and was sick.
我的意思是，7 月 12 日星期五，苏珊去了欧文顿的 Towne Tap 并生病了。
I was at her house and I talked to her and I left.
我在她家，和她聊了聊，然后就离开了。
That was the last time I'd seen her, was July 12.
那是我最后一次见到她，那是7月12日。
July 13, Susan worked at the Showplace from 5:30 at night to 1:45 AM.
7月13日，Susan从晚上5点30分到凌晨1点45分在Showplace工作。
On July 16, Susan left her house around noon.
7月16日中午，苏珊离开家。
By 3:30, Melissa had a strange feeling.
到了3点30分，梅丽莎有了一种奇怪的感觉。
She hurried over to Susan's.
她赶紧跑到苏珊家。
I rung the bell and it looked like there was nobody there and nobody answered.
我按响了门铃，看起来没有人在那里，也没有人回答。
And I got a very bad feeling.
我有一种非常不好的预感。
Just emptiness inside.
只是内心空虚。
At first, everyone had a hunch.
一开始，大家都有一种预感。
Susan had been murdered by a stalker.
苏珊被跟踪狂谋杀了。
Susan had been kidnapped and sold to a motorcycle gang.
苏珊被绑架并卖给了一个摩托车团伙。
Susan had been abducted by the Russian mob for sniffing around the story she and I were going to do.
苏珊因为窥探我和她要做的故事而被俄罗斯暴徒绑架。
Susan was a streetwalker in Newark.
苏珊是纽瓦克的一名街头妓女。
She was a call girl in Elizabeth.
她是伊丽莎白的应召女郎。
A dancer in a nightclub upstate or she'd fallen in with a vampire cult.
北部夜总会的舞者或者她已经陷入了吸血鬼邪教。
Or she'd checked herself into rehab.
或者她已经接受了康复治疗。
Or she enrolled in the witness protection plan.
或者她参加了证人保护计划。
Or she'd died of a drug overdose.
或者她死于吸毒过量。
As time has passed, more and more of her friends, family, and coworkers have come to believe Susan Walsh is dead.
随着时间的推移，越来越多的朋友、家人和同事相信苏珊·沃尔什已经死了。
Which Which house?
哪个哪个房子？
Is it the one with the rolling Christmas lights?
是那个圣诞彩灯滚滚的吗？
No, I think it's this one.
不，我想是这个。
Jill Morley Wait, let me just make sure.
吉尔·莫利 等等，让我确认一下。
January.
一月。
We look up a guy who says he thinks he knows what happened.
我们找到了一个人，他说他认为他知道发生了什么事。
He worked with Susan in the business.
他和苏珊一起做生意。
The guy says he'll talk on a couple of conditions.
那个人说他会提出几个条件。
If we don't use his name, if we distort his voice, and if he talks just to Jill, not to me.
如果我们不使用他的名字，如果我们扭曲他的声音，如果他只对吉尔说话，而不是对我说话。
She worked go-go, he feels she understands the life.
她工作忙碌，他觉得她懂生活。
Plus he clearly prefers the idea of a woman visiting him.
另外，他显然更喜欢有一个女人来拜访他。
I wait in the car.
我在车里等着。
OK.
好的。
I'm a little nervous.
我有点紧张。
Some dog's barking.
有狗在叫。
Oh boy.
噢，孩子。
Star fleet command is waiting for my official report.
星际舰队指挥部正在等待我的正式报告。
[UNINTELLIGIBLE PHRASE].
[难以理解的短语]。
Can I offer you a drink, like alcohol, wine?
我可以请您喝点饮料吗，比如酒精、葡萄酒吗？
Gin and tonic?
杜松子酒和补品？
Anything like that?
有这样的事吗？
Here's what Jill reports from the interview.
以下是吉尔在采访中报道的内容。
He lives with his invalid mother.
他和他生病的母亲住在一起。
Copies of Mentertainment, the guide to Jersey go-go, are scattered on the table.
桌子上散落着一本《Mentertainment》——泽西岛流行音乐指南。
Nailed into the wall there's a whip broken in half.
墙上钉着一根鞭子，断成了两半。
In his spare time, the guy makes knives.
在业余时间，这家伙制作刀具。
he keeps a photo album, Polaroids of his go-go girls to help him book clubs.
他保留了一本相册，即他的好女孩的宝丽来照片，以帮助他预订俱乐部。
He has 80 dancers working all over Jersey.
他有 80 名舞者在泽西岛各地工作。
He drives them to and from their gigs.
他开车送他们往返演出。
You're your own boss.
你是你自己的老板。
It's your car.
这是你的车。
You can tell them to drink, smoke, or not.
你可以告诉他们喝酒、抽烟或不喝酒。
I constantly having girls say, well, can I smoke in here?
经常有女孩问我，我可以在这里抽烟吗？
And I'm like, yeah.
我想，是的。
No problem.
没问题。
But I got a little bit of the power there.
但我在那里得到了一点力量。
I could tell them, no, suffer.
我可以告诉他们，不，受苦。
Let's see you go through a nicotine fit for the next half hour.
让我们看看您在接下来的半小时内经历尼古丁中毒的情况。
I'm sadistic.
我是虐待狂。
I guess so.
大概吧。
Sandy Tolan During the interview, the guy won't look Jill in the eyes.
桑迪·托兰 (Sandy Tolan) 在接受采访时，那家伙不会直视吉尔的眼睛。
He turns on the TV, puts it on mute, stares at it.
他打开电视，调至静音，盯着它看。
He puffs on his pipe, lighting it over and over.
他吸着烟斗，一遍又一遍地点燃。
Let me ask you some more stuff about Susan.
让我再问你一些关于苏珊的事情。
What kind of person was she?
她是一个什么样的人？
She is your typical, average dancer.
她是典型的普通舞者。
If there was rap music on, she could dance to that.
如果有说唱音乐，她就可以随着音乐跳舞。
If it was rock and roll, she could dance to that.
如果是摇滚乐，她可以跟着跳舞。
It didn't matter, she was good about the whole thing.
没关系，她对这一切都很好。
For somebody who was 36 and danced, I'd say she was in very good shape.
对于一个36岁还跳舞的人来说，我想说她的状态非常好。
She wasn't untoned or anything like that.
她没有任何肤色或类似的东西。
She was pretty tight.
她非常紧。
The only thing she didn't have was a tan.
她唯一没有晒黑的就是晒黑的皮肤。
I think she fell in some sort of a fatal attraction who made her just that.
我想她是被某种致命的吸引力所吸引，才让她变成了这样。
And she got into somebody's car that she knew and drove away with him and never came back.
然后她上了一个她认识的人的车，和他一起开走了，再也没有回来。
What makes you think that, that it was a fatal attraction thing?
是什么让你认为这是一种致命的吸引力？
Had you heard about this happening?
你听说过这件事吗？
Yeah, she had spoke to me within the prior two weeks to this and said how somebody was constantly beeping her.
是的，她在前两周内就此事与我交谈过，并说有人不断地向她发出嘟嘟声。
Susan can just be so friendly, so nice and naive.
苏珊是如此友好、如此善良、如此天真。
Maybe she didn't realize what kind of person this actually is.
也许她还没有意识到，这到底是一个什么样的人。
It's not clear how much this go-go driver really knows, but Susan did tell people she had a stalker.
目前还不清楚这个司机到底知道多少，但苏珊确实告诉人们她有跟踪者。
She told me the week before she disappeared.
她在失踪前一周告诉我的。
She told Melissa.
她告诉梅丽莎。
She told the therapist.
她告诉治疗师。
And during a shoot for a documentary Jill's producing, she told a group of other dancers, two days before she disappeared.
在吉尔制作的纪录片拍摄期间，她在失踪前两天告诉了一群其他舞者。
That's my beeper.
那是我的蜂鸣器。
It's probably a stalker right now.
现在可能是跟踪狂。
I do have a stalker.
我确实有一个跟踪者。
You You have a stalker?
你有跟踪狂吗？
Woman 3 I have a stalker too.
女人3 我也有跟踪狂。
I have a stalker.
我有一个跟踪者。
I usually have stalkers.
我经常有跟踪狂。
It could have been Susan's paranoia talking.
这可能是苏珊偏执的言论。
Most of the people who knew her well believe she died of a drug overdose and whoever was with the panicked and disposed of the body.
大多数熟悉她的人都相信她死于吸毒过量，而与她在一起的人惊慌失措并处理了尸体。
And the Nutley, New Jersey, police say they checked out the stalker theory.
新泽西州纳特利警方表示，他们核实了跟踪者的理论。
They say they twice hauled in a guy and determined he had nothing to do with Susan's disappearance.
他们说，他们两次抓到一个人，并确定他与苏珊的失踪无关。
But the cops, themselves, were slow in getting started.
但警察本身却起步缓慢。
A week or so after Susan vanished, I called them to see what they knew.
苏珊失踪大约一周后，我打电话给他们，了解他们所知道的情况。
A detective told me, well, she's, you know, a dancer.
一位侦探告诉我，嗯，你知道，她是一名舞者。
She's probably out, you know, partying.
你知道，她可能出去参加派对了。
Eventually several of us pointed out Susan was also a journalist on assignment.
最终我们中的几个人指出苏珊也是一名执行任务的记者。
Within days, they'd begun a major investigation.
几天之内，他们开始了一项重大调查。
Yeah, we wanted to see Detective Ryan.
是的，我们想见瑞安侦探。
I'm Sandy Tolan.
我是桑迪·托兰。
He's expecting us.
他正在等我们。
Jill and I finally got to talk to the cops in December.
十二月，吉尔和我终于与警察交谈。
But before we could ask them any questions, they made a big point of showing us how much work they'd done.
但在我们向他们提出任何问题之前，他们向我们展示了他们做了多少工作。
Hundreds of hours, three loose leaf binders filled up with information on the case.
数百小时后，三本活页夹装满了案件的信息。
We sat down at a small round table with detectives Johnson and Ferraro.
我们与约翰逊侦探和费拉罗侦探坐在一张小圆桌旁。
On the walls, framed posters from cop movies-- Out for Justice , One Good Cop.
墙上挂着警察电影《正义之师》、《一位好警察》的海报。
Detective Ferraro delivers the official line, "Nutley police believe Susan Walsh is still alive."
费拉罗侦探发表了官方说法：“纳特利警方相信苏珊·沃尔什还活着。”
It's just that she's chosen not to come home at this time.
只是她选择了这个时候不回家。
We don't have any other reasons to feel that through all the interviews that we've taken and statements that we've taken and people that we've talked to don't really have any concrete evidence to show something has happened to her.
我们没有任何其他理由认为，通过我们进行的所有采访、我们所做的陈述以及我们交谈过的人，确实没有任何具体证据表明她发生了什么事。
Nutley police say they've checked out many reports of people who claim they saw Susan street walking in Newark, dancing go-go in North Jersey or New York.
纳特利警方表示，他们已经核实了许多报告，称有人声称看到苏珊在纽瓦克街头行走，在北泽西或纽约跳舞。
But nothing checked out.
但什么也没检查出来。
Every lead dead-ended.
每一条线索都陷入了死胡同。
There was just nothing else to go on.
没有其他事情可继续了。
And so the investigation petered out.
于是调查就逐渐结束了。
Then in February, hopes rose again as Susan made prime time.
然后到了二月，随着苏珊登上了黄金时段，人们的希望再次燃起。
Susan Walsh was a woman who lived on the edge, a stripper turned journalist whose chosen assignments plunged her into a hazardous stew of Russian mobsters and self-proclaimed vampires.
苏珊·沃尔什（Susan Walsh）是一个生活在边缘的女人，从一名脱衣舞娘转型为记者，她所选择的任务让她陷入了俄罗斯黑帮和自称吸血鬼的危险之中。
In the end, however, Susan Walsh's walk on the wild side may have led to her death.
然而，最终，苏珊·沃尔什的疯狂行为可能导致了她的死亡。
It was another false hope producing few new leads.
这又是一个虚假的希望，几乎没有产生新的线索。
Months before, Jim Ridgeway and I had watched them film part of the docudrama.
几个月前，吉姆·里奇韦和我观看了他们拍摄这部纪录片的一部分。
It was in Tower Books where Jim and Susan had done a book signing for Red Light.
吉姆和苏珊就是在塔尔书店为红灯签售书的。
Now, the Unsolved Mysteries crew was shooting a reenactment.
现在，未解之谜剧组正在拍摄重演。
Up on the mezzanine there's wine, cheese, cameras, klieg lights, and actors playing the parts of Jim and Susan.
夹层楼上有酒、奶酪、相机、灯光，还有扮演吉姆和苏珊的演员。
Suddenly, the director spots the real Jim.
突然，导演发现了真正的吉姆。
Hey, we got an impostor here.
嘿，我们这里有一个骗子。
Get him out of here.
带他离开这里。
Hey, how you doing.
嘿，你怎么样。
Producer What are you doing, you communist.
制片人你在做什么，你这个共产主义者。
Get over here.
到这里来。
Get over to that corner.
走到那个角落。
I'm serious.
我是认真的。
Come here.
过来吧。
I can't have you in the shot.
我不能让你出现在镜头里。
Come here.
过来吧。
We stand in the corner, looking out at actors who look disturbingly like the real Jim Ridgeway-- tall, greying, paternal.
我们站在角落里，看着演员们，他们看起来与真正的吉姆·里奇威令人不安——高大、头发花白、充满慈父般的气息。
And the real Susan Walsh-- slight, blond, vibrant.
而真正的苏珊·沃尔什——身材苗条，金发碧眼，充满活力。
Step back please.
请退后一步。
Man 6 Move your lights.
男人 6 移动你的灯。
OK, this is picture.
好的，这是图片。
Everyone this is picture.
大家这是图。
Stand by.
支持。
Roll sound.
滚动声音。
We're rolling.
我们正在滚动。
And action.
和行动。
Actress [UNINTELLIGIBLE].
女演员[无法辨认]。
Hi.
你好。
You came out again for us--
你又为我们出来了——
The fake Susan makes small talk, signing copies of Red Light while the fake Jim stands by.
假苏珊闲聊，签署《红灯》，而假吉姆站在一旁。
I point to the fake Jim's larger belly and make a face.
我指着假吉姆的大肚子，做了个鬼脸。
Ridgeway obliges with a sour grin, but he's looking past me, gazing at the image of a woman he worked with for three years, alive again for a moment.
里奇韦苦笑着答应了，但他的目光越过了我，凝视着一个与他共事了三年的女人的形象，瞬间又活了过来。
And cut.
并切。
Man 5 And cut.
男人5然后切。
That's a cut.
那是一个削减。
Back to one everyone, please.
请大家回到一号。
Back to one.
回到一。
Thank you
谢谢你
I've stayed in it so long that my health is so bad.
我在里面呆得太久了，身体状况很差。
I have emphysema, bronchitis, and an ulcer.
我患有肺气肿、支气管炎和溃疡。
Geez.
天啊。
Susan Walsh Yeah, and I was in the hospital twice in the last two weeks.
苏珊·沃尔什（Susan Walsh）是的，过去两周我进过医院两次。
This is the real Susan in the documentary shoot with Jill and the other dancers.
这是纪录片中与吉尔和其他舞者一起拍摄的真实苏珊。
It was two days before she disappeared and it was like Susan was watching herself go down.
两天后她就消失了，苏珊似乎看着自己走下坡路。
I'm just trying to hang onto my raison d'etre, my reason for being at this point.
我只是想坚持我存在的理由，我现在的理由。
I'm just trying to hang on.
我只是想坚持下去。
But I stayed in so long that it got me.
但我呆了这么久，它抓住了我。
Because you can crawl on stage half dead.
因为你可以半死不活地爬上舞台。
But I stayed in it so long.
但我却在其中呆了那么久。
If you stay in it so long, it will break down your health to the point where you just can't go out and get the job.
如果你在里面呆得太久，你的健康就会崩溃，以至于你无法出去找到工作。
Now if I had a month to rest, get my health back.
现在，如果我有一个月的休息时间，就恢复健康吧。
But I can't because I'm the only one supporting my son, so I can't stop.
但我不能，因为我是唯一支持我儿子的人，所以我不能停下来。
And yet, staying in it is killing me.
然而，呆在里面却要了我的命。
So I'm sort of scared right now.
所以我现在有点害怕。
A Sunday morning and I'm going back home to Boston.
周日早上，我要回到波士顿的家。
I drop over to say goodbye to Jill.
我顺便向吉尔道别。
Susan is an extension of all the dancers, all of us.
苏珊是所有舞者、我们所有人的延伸。
And so what happened to her is that typical dancer trap of going all the way down this downward spiral and choosing the darkest path.
所以发生在她身上的就是典型的舞者陷阱，一路走下去，选择最黑暗的道路。
She chose the darkest path that we all see.
她选择了我们都看到的最黑暗的道路。
We can see that path and yet, she took it.
我们可以看到那条路，但她还是走了。
And it's possible that I could've taken it, or that any one of these other girls could have taken it.
我可能会接受它，或者其他任何一个女孩都可能会接受它。
And that's really terrifying.
这真的很可怕。
And especially that's she's this really smart, warm, loving, mother.
尤其是她是一位非常聪明、温暖、充满爱心的母亲。
Funny.
有趣的。
And even her, even she went down that path.
甚至她，甚至她也走上了这条路。
I mean, she was an incredible human being.
我的意思是，她是一个不可思议的人。
Coming up, another woman and a porn customer who changes, in a minute when our program continues.
接下来，当我们的节目继续进行时，另一位女性和一位色情顾客发生了变化。
It's This American Life, I'm Ira Glass.
这就是美国生活，我是艾拉·格拉斯。
Each week on our program, of course, we choose a theme, invite a variety of writers, documentary producers, and performers to take a whack at that theme.
当然，每周我们的节目都会选择一个主题，邀请各种作家、纪录片制片人和表演者来探讨这个主题。
Today's program, Three Women and the Sex Industry.
今天的节目是《三个女人和性产业》。
We are at Act Two of our program, Striptease.
我们正在进行脱衣舞节目的第二幕。
It's easy to imagine the guy in this next story as one of the customers in a go-go bar in Northern Jersey.
很容易将下一个故事中的那个人想象为新泽西州北部一家 go-go 酒吧的顾客之一。
He's an extreme case though, and he changes.
但他是一个极端的例子，他会改变。
Lauren Slater is a psychologist and writer in Boston.
劳伦·斯莱特是波士顿的心理学家和作家。
This is an account of one of her cases.
这是她的一个案例的记述。
Again, a warning to listeners.
再次警告听众。
Some of this story may not be appropriate for younger children.
这个故事的某些内容可能不适合年幼的孩子。
George came to our clinic in early autumn and was diagnosed by the intake worker with an antisocial personality disorder.
乔治于初秋来到我们诊所，被收治人员诊断出患有反社会人格障碍。
A sociopath, a deviant, whom I, a newcomer to the field of psychology, was now assigned to work with in therapy for an undefined period of time.
我是一个反社会者，一个离经叛道的人，作为心理学领域的新人，现在被指派在一段不确定的时间内与他一起进行治疗。
He looked almost ridiculously tough, sitting in a sleeveless leather vest in the clinic's lobby.
他穿着无袖皮背心坐在诊所的大厅里，看起来几乎强硬得可笑。
Hair scrunched back in a pony tail, a cigarette dangling from his mouth.
头发向后扎成马尾，嘴里叼着一根香烟。
Tattoos coiled over his arms.
纹身缠绕在他的手臂上。
Immediately I felt awkward in his presence.
我立刻在他面前感到尴尬。
The day I met George I was wearing my working garb, a sun dress, a pair of falling apart flats, legs stubbly from hair I'd only half shaved and perhaps a swatch of slip showing beneath my hem.
我见到乔治的那天，我穿着工作服、太阳裙、一双破平底鞋，腿上的头发被我只剃了一半，胡茬满地，下摆下面也许露出了一块衬裙。
I felt stout and dumpy.
我感觉又胖又矮。
As a therapist, I think I should be beyond these silly social embarrassments.
作为一名治疗师，我认为我应该超越这些愚蠢的社交尴尬。
I think I should at least be beyond my own bodily insecurities enough to throw my full attention into the client's waiting lap.
我想我至少应该超越自己身体上的不安全感，将全部注意力集中在客户的等待上。
But I'm not.
但我不是。
Around George I'm not.
在乔治周围我不是。
And the sense of shame he evokes in me to this day is part of our treatment story together.
直到今天，他在我心中唤起的羞耻感也是我们共同治疗故事的一部分。
My office at the time was windowless, and so small we had to sit with our knees near brushing.
当时我的办公室没有窗户，而且太小了，我们不得不坐着刷牙。
I got ready to ask my usual orienting questions.
我准备好问我通常的定向问题。
Age?, I asked.
年龄？，我问。
Instead of answering me, George gave a dramatic sigh.
乔治没有回答我，而是戏剧性地叹了口气。
"I have been waiting for this day," he said.
“我一直在等待这一天，”他说。
"Ive seen six of you guys and so far no one's worked out.
“我已经见过你们六个人了，到目前为止还没有一个人成功。
I need a doc who can really push me.
我需要一位能够真正推动我的医生。
I need to be challenged."
我需要受到挑战。”
"Challenged?" I asked.
“受到挑战？”我问。
"Like how?"
“怎么样？”
"Ive got my problems," George said, "And I can admit to them.
“我有我的问题，”乔治说，“我可以承认它们。
The other six I went to just sat there and stared at me.
我去的另外六个人只是坐在那里盯着我看。
I want someone who will give me feedback, make me see things in a new way."
我想要有人能给我反馈，让我以新的方式看待事物。”
George sat back, ran one hand over a large tattoo on his bicep.
乔治靠在椅背上，用一只手抚摸着他二头肌上的一个大纹身。
"Masturbation," he said gravely.
“手淫，”他严肃地说。
"I can't stop.
“我无法停下来。
Can't.
不能。
Seven, eight, nine times a day.
一天七次、八次、九次。
I have a strong drive."
我有很强的驱动力。”
Now he pulled a list out of his pocket and began to read.
现在他从口袋里掏出一份清单并开始阅读。
"Masturbation, pornography, aggression, defensiveness, pride, control, these are my problems.
“手淫、色情、攻击性、防御性、骄傲、控制，这些都是我的问题。
Take porn.
以色情片为例。
I love it, but the truth is I'd rather do it with a videotape than with my girlfriend, Joanne.
我喜欢它，但事实是我宁愿用录像带来做，而不是和我的女朋友乔安妮一起做。
We have huge beefs.
我们有巨大的牛肉。
Huge," George said.
巨大的，”乔治说。
"My anger is just--" he paused.
“我的愤怒只是——”他停顿了一下。
"Like I think I could kill her.
“就像我认为我可以杀了她一样。
I've killed a few people before, so I wouldn't put it past me."
我以前杀过几个人，所以我不会放过它。”
George was staring straight at me when he said this, testing me for my reaction.
乔治说这句话时直视着我，测试我的反应。
"So why do you think you prefer porn to people?" I said, keeping my voice even despite the fact that I suddenly felt like fleeing.
“那你为什么认为你更喜欢色情片而不是人呢？”尽管我突然想要逃跑，但我仍保持着声音说道。
"Don't get me wrong," George said.
“别误会我的意思，”乔治说。
"I like Joanne, she's a real smoker.
“我喜欢乔安妮，她是个真正的烟民。
But I'll be honest, a picture's just a lot easier.
但老实说，一张照片要容易得多。
Just a completely quiet and beautiful bod."
只是一个完全安静而美丽的身体。”
I thought of my own bod then and felt my breasts beneath my dress burn with shame.
那时我想到了自己的身体，感到裙子下的乳房因羞愧而燃烧。
George is 35 years old and has lived seven of those years on the street, drugging, knife fighting, and stealing.
乔治今年 35 岁，有七年流落街头，吸毒、持刀打架、偷窃。
He has been clean now for half a decade, a really remarkable achievement which he attributes to his spirituality, a weird blend of mysticism and heavy metal.
他现在已经戒毒五年了，这是一项非常了不起的成就，他将其归因于他的灵性，一种神秘主义和重金属的奇怪混合。
In his apartment where he lived with Joanne, he has two special cupboards side by side.
在他和乔安妮住的公寓里，他并排有两个特殊的橱柜。
In one of them, he keeps his incense and tarot cards.
其中一间里存放着他的香和塔罗牌。
In the other, he stores his collection of sadomasochistic videos and magazines.
另一间里，他存放着他收藏的施虐受虐视频和杂志。
Oddly, this second cupboard is lined with floral contact paper left by a previous tenant.
奇怪的是，第二个橱柜里衬着前任房客留下的花卉接触纸。
They bring him satisfaction, these videos.
这些视频给他带来了满足。
A lot goes on for him each day.
他每天都会发生很多事情。
Joanne is, as he said, a beautiful woman, but she is also unpredictable and self-absorbed, a series of seismic cycles he cannot control.
正如他所说，乔安妮是一个美丽的女人，但她也难以预测、自我陶醉，是一系列他无法控制的地震循环。
He tells me he is from the old school, expects his woman to cook and clean, to have fish on the table by six, dustless halls, and sex where her moans are synchronized to his.
他告诉我，他来自守旧派，期望他的女人做饭、打扫卫生，六点前把鱼端上餐桌，大厅里没有灰尘，做爱时她的呻吟声与他同步。
When Joanne lets him down, he gets mad.
当乔安妮让他失望时，他就会生气。
Really red-faced furious so that he hauls her up against a wall, wallops her across the face.
真的气得脸都红了，他把她拉到墙上，狠狠地打她的脸。
He feels so much sheer and irrational hate that he has to retreat to his room to watch his videos.
他感到如此纯粹和非理性的仇恨，以至于他不得不退回自己的房间来观看他的视频。
They soothe him, images of female flesh controlled.
他们用女性肉体的形象来安慰他。
In our first several sessions, I tried to find the origins of his hate.
在我们最初的几次会谈中，我试图找到他仇恨的根源。
For instance, George's father beat him, but the beatings were not as bad as the humiliation that went along with them.
例如，乔治的父亲殴打了他，但殴打并不像随之而来的羞辱那么严重。
He remembers the strap, the hands that were like hatchets.
他记得那条带子，还有那双像斧头一样的手。
But the intensity of his tale lies for me in this image, a small boy pressed against a refrigerator, white as a nuptial bed sheet.
但对我来说，他的故事的强度在于这张照片中，一个小男孩压在冰箱上，白色如婚礼床单。
The man pressing against him, shouting at him.
男人压在他身上，对他大喊大叫。
George could feel his father's groin hot and hard right in the nook between his thighs.
乔治能感觉到父亲大腿间角落里的腹股沟又热又硬。
He started to think of himself as having a nook there, a gross, gaping place.
他开始认为自己在那里有一个角落，一个恶心的、有缝隙的地方。
He imagined his body was a girl's.
他想象自己的身体是一个女孩的。
George was disgusted, horrified.
乔治感到厌恶、恐惧。
Soon afterward, he learned to fight, started to lift weights, running from the softness that is the requisite of all rapes.
不久之后，他学会了打架，开始举重，逃离所有强奸所必需的柔软。
I had, at first, a hard time dealing with George because he offended me.
起初，我很难与乔治打交道，因为他冒犯了我。
I understood his pornography obsession as a deflection of his own anxieties.
我理解他对色情作品的痴迷是他自身焦虑的一种转移。
So he wouldn't have to feel his fear, his memories of helplessness, he tried to control women.
这样他就不必感受到他的恐惧，他的无助记忆，他试图控制女人。
Now understand, I am a woman who has spent much time aiming to please men.
现在明白了，我是一个花了很多时间来取悦男人的女人。
I am a woman who, in her adolescent days, denied herself food or threw it all up so I could fit into the airless image, this man in my office was both struggling to possess and shed at the same time.
我是一个在青春期的女人，她拒绝自己吃东西，或者把所有东西都扔掉，这样我就可以融入那种毫无空气感的形象，而我办公室里的这个男人既努力占有，又同时摆脱。
I remember the smell of myself as an anorexic, a frail, dry odor like scorched grass.
我记得自己患有厌食症时的气味，一种微弱、干燥的气味，就像烧焦的草一样。
My limbs coated with hair.
我的四肢长满了毛发。
Because of these memories, it was impossible for me to like George.
因为这些记忆，我不可能喜欢乔治。
But I did feel deeply for him.
但我确实对他有很深的感情。
After all, hadn't I once driven for his same goals?
毕竟，我不是曾经为了他同样的目标而努力过吗？
To eradicate the weak part of the self who hurts and bleeds and feeds.
根除自我中受伤、流血、进食的脆弱部分。
During the first few weeks of our therapy together, I began to feel the old shame about my body returning more strongly than it had in a while.
在我们一起接受治疗的最初几周里，我开始感到以前的耻辱，因为我的身体比以前更强烈地恢复了。
Although George said he wanted help to overcome his pornography obsession, he was sometimes driven to watch five, six films a night.
尽管乔治说他需要帮助来克服对色情的痴迷，但有时他还是被迫每晚看五六部电影。
And to learn to diffuse his rages, he used his sessions to vent about Joanne's latest transgressions.
为了学会发泄愤怒，他利用治疗来发泄乔安妮最近的违规行为。
And from there, he would segue into diatribes about the perfect female sex organs, their size and smell.
从那里开始，他会继续对完美的女性性器官、它们的大小和气味进行谩骂。
After a day during which I'd seen George had ended, I would go home and feel my flash more heavily than ever.
当我看到乔治的一天结束后，我会回到家，感觉到我的闪光灯比以往任何时候都更强烈。
I often felt like weeping.
我常常想哭。
And it was during this time that I noticed small black hairs growing up around my nipples.
正是在这段时间，我注意到我的乳头周围长出了黑色的小毛发。
On the one hand, I wanted to pluck them out.
一方面，我想把它们拔出来。
On the other hand, I wanted them to grow, lush like the marsh weed that springs up in swamps.
另一方面，我希望它们能够像沼泽中生长的杂草一样茂盛地生长。
My prescription was for George to learn, somehow, that being soft does not mean being molested or murdered, necessarily.
我的处方是让乔治知道，不知何故，软弱并不一定意味着被骚扰或谋杀。
He would have none of it, of course.
当然，他不会接受这些。
We have been going at it for about two months and he told me a story that bowled me over.
我们已经讨论了大约两个月，他给我讲了一个让我大吃一惊的故事。
The woods of his childhood home divided his family's house from Teddy Swayze's, a classmate who lived through several stands of pines.
他儿时家的树林将他家的房子与泰迪·斯威兹（Teddy Swayze）的房子隔开，泰迪·斯威兹是一位同学，住在几片松树林中。
George was nine years old and that day, Teddy had promised him the use of his new red Tonka toy truck if only George would come over and play.
乔治九岁，那天，泰迪答应他，只要乔治过来玩，就可以使用他的新红色唐卡玩具卡车。
But when he got there, Teddy went back on his part of the bargain.
但当他到达那里时，泰迪却反悔了。
The truck, nope, was not to be shared.
不，卡车不能共用。
George had walked all this way, had stumbled over tree roots, had opened himself to hope, only to find he was fooled.
乔治一路走了过来，被树根绊倒，满怀希望，却发现自己被愚弄了。
So he went home, took his father's knife, some rope from the cellar and made a gallows in the woods using branches as a platform.
于是他回到家，拿起父亲的刀和地窖里的一些绳子，用树枝作为平台，在树林里搭了一个绞架。
"Boy, have I got the coolest thing to show you," George said to Teddy.
“男孩，我有最酷的东西要给你看吗？”乔治对泰迪说。
"You got to come."
“你一定要来。”
And then when they were there, George said, "Look up." It was floating against the sky, the noose, very bright in the sunlight.
当他们到达那里时，乔治说：“向上看。”绞索在天空的衬托下漂浮着，在阳光下显得非常明亮。
"Climb," George said, using the knife to persuade.
“爬上去，”乔治说着，用刀劝说。
He used the blade on the kid's soft skin and had a sudden jarring image of his mother in the kitchen in the morning wearing an apron and slicing through a warm bar of butter.
他把刀片放在孩子柔软的皮肤上，突然脑海中浮现出他母亲早上穿着围裙在厨房里切一块热黄油的令人不舒服的画面。
Teddy was up there, George positioned his head in place, kicked away the sticks, so all of a sudden Teddy swung, neck bunched in the noose.
泰迪就在那里，乔治把头固定在适当的位置，踢开了棍子，所以突然泰迪摆动了，脖子被套索缠住了。
"The rope broke," he said.
“绳子断了，”他说。
"I knew it would.
“我知道会的。
I just wanted to scare him because I wouldn't be had.
我只是想吓唬吓唬他，因为我不会被吓到。
I can't be had.
我不能被拥有。
You see what I mean?"
你明白我的意思吗？”
I didn't say anything.
我什么也没说。
"Otherwise I feel like I'm just a doormat." He took an angry drag off his cigarette.
“否则我觉得我只是一个受气包。”他生气地吸了一口烟。
"But do you think everyone in the whole world wants to treat you as a doormat and abuse you in some way?"
“但你认为全世界的人都想把你当作受气包，以某种方式虐待你吗？”
"Absolutely," George said.
“当然，”乔治说。
"I know it."
“我知道这。”
"Must be tiring having to think that.
“想想这个一定很累吧。
You can never really let down your guard.
你永远不能真正放松警惕。
Have you ever cried in front of someone to show that you're scared, upset?"
你有没有在别人面前哭泣过，以表达你的害怕、不安？”
George didn't say anything.
乔治什么也没说。
A long silence settled between as.
之间陷入了长时间的沉默。
We were a cut cord, a swarm of static.
我们是一根被切断的绳子，一群静电。
"What's going on, George?
“发生什么事了，乔治？
Why is it unsafe to feel anything but defensiveness or violence in this office?
为什么在这个办公室里除了防御或暴力之外的任何感觉都是不安全的？
Do you think I'm going to take advantage of you?" Immediately I realized I'd made a blunder by allowing him the opportunity to sexualize our interaction.
你觉得我会利用你吗？”我立刻意识到我犯了一个错误，让他有机会将我们的互动性感化。
"You, take advantage of me?
“你，想占我便宜？
Isn't that supposed to be the other way around?" He leaned back in his chair, lit another cigarette.
这不是应该反过来吗？”他靠在椅子上，又点燃了一支烟。
I saw the smoke slide from his mouth, felt it wrap around me in a blue and gauzy cloud, decking me in the moving material of a see-through dress.
我看到烟雾从他嘴里滑落，感觉到它以蓝色薄纱的云彩包裹着我，用透明连衣裙的移动材料装饰我。
George believed that the bodies outside him were missiles, poised and poisonous.
乔治相信他体外的尸体是导弹，蓄势待发，有毒。
His aggressive, slit-eyed stance is a typically male phenomenon.
他咄咄逼人、眯着眼睛的姿态是典型的男性现象。
My eating disorder, the obsessive desire to be thin, thin, thin, and perfectly, poisonously poised is typically a female phenomenon.
我的饮食失调，对瘦、瘦、瘦以及完美、有毒的平衡的强迫性渴望是典型的女性现象。
George and I were both victims of our culture's fear of the feminine, unable to lay down our system of weapons and spread our legs open to life because we learned that in this posture, we will be shamed not invigorated.
乔治和我都是我们文化中对女性的恐惧的受害者，无法放下我们的武器系统并张开双腿迎接生活，因为我们知道，在这种姿势下，我们会感到羞耻而不是充满活力。
We did not know how to trust what we could not dominate.
我们不知道如何相信我们无法主宰的事物。
And the recovering anorexic is not only in a particularly good position to articulate these truths, she is also ironically, in a particularly good position-- vis-a-vis therapy-- to treat the misogynist male.
具有讽刺意味的是，正在康复中的厌食症患者不仅能够很好地阐明这些事实，而且在治疗方面也处于特别有利的位置来治疗厌恶女性的男性。
She understands, perhaps better than anyone, the urge to whip and dominate, discipline and even delete the female form.
她也许比任何人都更了解鞭打、支配、规训甚至删除女性形态的冲动。
For years, I was hungry but could not risk the softness of surrender.
多年来，我一直在挨饿，但不能冒险投降。
I dreamt of letting down my guard, sitting at a table on which silver dishes steamed and ingesting colors.
我梦想着放松警惕，坐在一张银质餐具热气腾腾的桌子旁，吸收色彩。
Orange carrots, the soft wombs of tomatoes, the tangy dirt of chocolate cake.
橙色的胡萝卜，西红柿的柔软子宫，巧克力蛋糕的浓郁污垢。
But I couldn't dare, couldn't trust enough to let myself go.
但我不敢，也没有足够的信心让自己放手。
These are the memories that came to mind when I looked at George, rigid in his chair, his face set against the seepage of any emotion that wasn't cruel or lewd.
当我看着乔治时，我脑海中浮现出这些记忆，他僵硬地坐在椅子上，脸上流露出任何不残忍或不下流的情绪。
He told me about forcing himself to rise before dawn each morning, working out two hours a day, jogging barefoot in the snow.
他告诉我每天早上强迫自己在黎明前起床，每天锻炼两个小时，赤脚在雪地里慢跑。
I nodded yes, having done the same to myself.
我点点头，是的，我对自己也做了同样的事。
The more deeply I went into it with him, the more difficult he became.
我和他越深入，他就越难相处。
Our therapy started to evolve, so that I played a mostly silent role, while he went on and on, endlessly it seemed.
我们的治疗方法开始演变，所以我扮演了一个几乎沉默的角色，而他则一直在继续，似乎没完没了。
About Joanne's anatomy, the six hour plow, her tight little sex.
关于乔安妮的身体结构、六个小时的性爱、她紧致的小性爱。
What about me, I wanted to say to him.
那我呢，我想对他说。
Does it occur to you that I'm a woman here?
你有没有想到我在这里是个女人？
That you just might be offending me?
你可能会冒犯我？
And beneath that another smaller voice was crying, what about me?
在那声音之下，另一个较小的声音在哭泣，那我呢？
Am I not also attractive?
我不也很有魅力吗？
Do I not measure up to your standards?
难道我达不到你的标准吗？
Why not?
为什么不呢？
I began to realize our sessions were a lot like porn, in which I, the silent subject, absorbed his fantasies, and in my featurelessness, reflected them back to him.
我开始意识到我们的治疗很像色情片，其中我，沉默的主体，吸收了他的幻想，并以我的无特色，将它们反射回给他。
George let me know clearly what my role in our relationship was by shifting impatiently whenever I spoke.
每当我说话时，乔治都会不耐烦地转移立场，让我清楚地知道我在我们的关系中扮演的角色。
By the quick brushing motions he made with his hands as though to sweep away my words.
他用手做出快速的拂动动作，仿佛要把我的话扫掉。
By interrupting me and then exploding into a tyrannical temper if I asserted my right to finish my own sentence.
如果我主张自己有权利说完自己的话，就会打断我，然后爆发出暴虐的脾气。
"Quiet," he once roared at me.
“安静，”他有一次对我吼道。
And I, like a little girl, sank back down in my seat, and felt darkness grow up around me.
而我，像个小女孩一样，坐回座位上，感到周围一片黑暗。
"I wonder if you ever think," I finally burst out to him one day, "That I might be uncomfortable with your sexual talk, with the kinds of expressions you use."
“我不知道你是否想过，”有一天我终于对他说道，“我可能会对你的性谈话和你使用的各种表达方式感到不舒服。”
"But you're a shrink," George said to me.
“但你是一名心理医生，”乔治对我说。
"That's what you're here for.
“这就是你来这里的目的。
That's your whole job."
这就是你的全部工作。”
I wanted to reach out and slap him.
我真想伸手去扇他一巴掌。
"Not even in my office am I just a shrink.
“即使在我的办公室里，我也不仅仅是一名心理医生。
I am also a woman and the way you talk about my gender disgusts me."
我也是一名女性，你谈论我性别的方式让我感到厌恶。”
"I wouldn't ever talk to a woman I was trying to make it with like that, but you're not supposed to--"
“我永远不会和一个我想这样相处的女人说话，但你不应该——”
"Supposed to what?" George looked uncomfortable.
“应该做什么？”乔治看起来很不舒服。
"Surprise," I said.
“惊喜，”我说。
"I mind."
“我介意。”
George looked up at me, his expression confused.
乔治抬头看着我，表情困惑。
My face felt all red.
我感觉我的脸都红了。
For one moment then, our masks dropped away.
有一瞬间，我们的面具掉了下来。
I could tell by the way George was looking at me that he was, for maybe the first time, considering me not as a function, but as a feeling.
从乔治看我的方式我可以看出，他也许是第一次不再把我当作一种功能，而是一种感觉。
I smiled at him.
我对他微笑。
He nodded, hello.
他点点头，你好。
Shortly after this encounter, George left the state for six weeks to do a series of carpentry jobs in Arizona.
这次遭遇后不久，乔治离开该州六周，到亚利桑那州做一系列木工工作。
He returned to therapy in late May.
他于五月下旬恢复治疗。
He slumped down in his seat, looked at his lap.
他瘫坐在座位上，看着自己的腿。
"I was going to call you," he said in a low voice.
“我本来想给你打电话的。”他低声说道。
I'd never heard him use that voice before.
我以前从未听过他用过这个声音。
"She left me," George said.
“她离开了我，”乔治说。
He shook his head.
他摇摇头。
"Just like that.
“就这样。
I called her at her parents and she says it's completely finished.
我打电话给她的父母，她说事情已经完全结束了。
Gonzo.
奇闻趣事。
But I'm chasing her.
但我正在追她。
I'm running after her like a goddamn desperate dog.
我像一只该死的绝望的狗一样追赶她。
Phoning her 10, 20 times a day, bawling in her ear.
每天给她打电话10、20次，在她耳边嚎啕大哭。
It doesn't matter what I do."
我做什么并不重要。”
"It doesn't matter what you do," I said.
“你做什么并不重要，”我说。
"Tell me more about that."
“告诉我更多有关这件事的信息。”
"I've been trying every ploy with this bitch for the past week and I'm--"
“在过去的一周里，我已经尝试了对付这个婊子的所有策略，但我——”
"Helpless." His mouth was a bitter line of tension, but his eyes were wet.
“无奈。”他的嘴角露出苦涩的皱纹，但他的眼睛湿润了。
"I think that's what upsets you the most about Joanne's leaving.
“我认为这就是乔安妮离开让你最难过的地方。
That you have no control.
你无法控制。
That you feel helpless to get her back."
你感到无能为力，无法让她回来。”
George, to my surprise, nodded in agreement.
令我惊讶的是，乔治点头表示同意。
His own pain had made him flexible, open to vision and suggestion.
他自己的痛苦使他变得灵活，愿意接受异象和建议。
For the first time in six months of treatment, I think we really talked.
我认为这是六个月治疗以来我们第一次真正交谈。
The next few weeks brought some changes in George.
接下来的几周乔治发生了一些变化。
He found himself facing an emotion he could not defend himself against.
他发现自己面临着一种无法抵御的情绪。
No amount of swearing or swaggering could express mourning.
无论怎样的咒骂或趾高气扬都无法表达哀悼。
The pain of Joanne's leaving so suddenly broke his shield with an intensity neither of us had anticipated.
乔安妮的离开所带来的痛苦突然打破了他的盾牌，其强度是我们俩都没有预料到的。
I was drawn into George now and I told him so.
我现在被乔治吸引了，我也告诉了他。
In some moments I think I saw his real face, the flow of emotion across it like wind working on sand.
在某些时刻，我想我看到了他真实的面孔，脸上流淌着情感，就像风吹过沙子一样。
And I grew to love him and love the strength in his slow surrender.
我渐渐爱上了他，爱上了他缓慢屈服的力量。
It is August.
现在是八月。
I am 23 years old.
我今年23岁。
I have never met George.
我从未见过乔治。
I am just out of college.
我刚大学毕业。
I weigh 88 pounds.
我体重88磅。
When I look out my bedroom window, I can see tulips.
当我从卧室的窗户往外看时，我可以看到郁金香。
They are the most trusting beings.
他们是最值得信赖的人。
They with their throats always open.
他们总是张开喉咙。
Their long gold tongues hanging out.
它们伸出了长长的金舌头。
Nothing bad happens to them.
他们没有发生什么不好的事情。
The sun doesn't rape them.
太阳不会强奸他们。
They don't gag on the rain.
他们不会因为雨而作呕。
This day is really many months.
这一天，真的是好几个月了。
I watch the world.
我观察世界。
I watch the natural cycle of things.
我观察事物的自然循环。
Cliche as it may be, this is what cures me.
尽管这可能是陈词滥调，但这就是治愈我的方法。
There comes a moment when recovery is religious.
总有一天，恢复是宗教性的。
When a person says, all right, I will have faith.
当一个人说，好吧，我就有信心了。
I will lay down my sword and shield and see what the world works in me.
我将放下我的剑和盾牌，看看世界在我身上如何运作。
I look away from my bedroom window and go downstairs, out onto the porch.
我把目光从卧室的窗户上移开，下楼来到门廊上。
Someone has set a table for me.
有人为我摆好了桌子。
Sliced strawberries lie like the tongues of maidens on a platter, wedges of cheese and bread.
切好的草莓像少女的舌头一样躺在盘子里，还有奶酪和面包。
I put food in my mouth.
我把食物放进嘴里。
For the first time in years, I swallow the softness of ice cream.
多年来我第一次吞下柔软的冰淇淋。
I want to see if my body will blow up in disgusting fatness with this slow animal stupidity swelling in my stomach.
我想看看我的身体是否会因恶心的肥胖而爆炸，而这种缓慢的动物愚蠢在我的胃里膨胀。
It doesn't.
事实并非如此。
Letting down my guard, opening my many mouths does not bring about the ruin, the rape I had feared.
放松我的警惕，张开我的许多嘴并不会带来我所担心的毁灭和强奸。
On the contrary, food brings vitality back to me.
相反，食物给我带来了活力。
I feel my hair take on its sheen, grow longer as though new stalks of thought are springing from my brain.
我感觉我的头发变得有光泽，变长了，仿佛新的思想正在从我的大脑中涌现。
My brain, now nourished, thinks in colors instead of calories.
我的大脑现在得到了滋养，以颜色而不是卡路里来思考。
I can run harder.
我可以跑得更努力
My eyes are moist enough to cry.
我的眼睛湿润得想哭。
George started to taste-- styles, voices, times.
乔治开始品味——风格、声音、时代。
He reported allowing himself to sleep late one morning.
他报告说有一天早上自己睡得很晚。
He started going out some night without his leather vest or black boots.
有一天晚上，他开始不穿皮背心或黑色靴子出门。
Tried kissing a woman on the neck and going no farther.
尝试亲吻一个女人的脖子，然后就不再继续了。
He brought wood home with him at the end of working days, stayed up late making small objects without any obvious functions.
下班后，他把木头带回家，熬夜制作一些没有任何明显功能的小东西。
A box, a mobile, a chiseled plaque.
一个盒子，一个手机，一块凿刻的牌匾。
One day, he came to session and told me he had met a woman, [?
有一天，他来参加会议并告诉我他遇到了一位女士，[？
Blucky, ?] whom he thought he could fall in love with if only he could get over Joanne.
布莱基，？]他认为只要他能忘记乔安妮，他就能爱上他。
"The other problem is," George said.
“另一个问题是，”乔治说。
"She's the greatest person but she's heavy.
“她是最伟大的人，但她很沉重。
Maybe 30 pounds overweight.
也许超重30磅。
I've never made it with a fat woman before.
我以前从来没有和一个胖女人在一起过。
You know me, I'm used to perfect curves.
你了解我，我习惯于完美的曲线。
Thighs I can grab a hold of, someone I can flip like a doll." He gave me one of his lewd George smiles.
我可以抓住大腿，我可以像洋娃娃一样翻转。”他向我露出了他那淫荡的乔治微笑。
I was enchanted by the idea of George with a fat woman.
乔治和一个胖女人在一起的想法让我着迷。
I had seen enough of George changed, naked, to imagine how his body would be within a fat woman's arms.
我已经看够了乔治赤身裸体的变化，想象他的身体会如何躺在一个胖女人的怀里。
I imagined her rocking him and him kissing her face and mouth.
我想象她摇晃他，他亲吻她的脸和嘴。
I could not help but see her spread legs on a bed and he, a little cowed by the site of so much, trying to touch her, allowing himself entry into the many layers of her life.
我情不自禁地看到她在床上张开双腿，而他，因为如此多的事情而有点害怕，试图触摸她，让自己进入她生活的许多层面。
He brushes her, goes up past her hip, until he touches the curved rib bone, the hard male bone taken a long time ago from the man buried and found only in the full woman's body.
他拂过她，越过她的臀部，直到触及弯曲的肋骨，这是很久以前从埋葬的男人身上取出的坚硬的男性骨头，只在完整的女人尸体中发现。
Lauren Slater's story, "Striptease," was first published in the quarterly New Letters .
劳伦·斯莱特的故事《脱衣舞》首次发表在《新快报》季刊上。
It was read by actress Joy Gregory.
女演员乔伊·格雷戈里读了这本书。
Our program was produced today by Alix Spiegel and myself, with Peter Clowney and Nancy Updike.
今天我们的节目由我和阿利克斯·斯皮格尔、彼得·克劳尼和南希·厄普代克共同制作。
Contributing editor Sarah Vowell, Paul Tough, Jack Hitt and Margy Rochlin.
特约编辑莎拉·沃威尔、保罗·托夫、杰克·希特和玛吉·罗克林。
[ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS] Some original scoring today by Anthony Barilla Jeff Mueller and Jason Noble.
[鸣谢] 今天安东尼·巴里拉·杰夫·穆勒和杰森·诺布尔的一些原创得分。
If you would like a copy of this or any of our programs-- they only cost $10-- call us at WBEZ in Chicago, 312-832-3380.
如果您想要一份本课程或我们的任何课程（只需 10 美元），请致电芝加哥的 WBEZ，电话：312-832-3380。
That's 312-832-3380.
那是 312-832-3380。
[FUNDING CREDITS] WBEZ management oversight by Torey Malatia.
[资金来源] WBEZ 管理由 Torey Malatia 监督。
I'm Ira Glass, back next week with more stories of This American Life.
我是艾拉·格拉斯，下周回来，带来更多《美国生活》的故事。
This American Life is produced in collaboration with WBEZ Chicago and delivered to stations by PRX The Public Radio Exchange.
《This American Life》与 WBEZ Chicago 合作制作，并由 PRX 公共广播电台传送到各电台。