52: Edge of Sanity - This American Life
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00:00 00:00 Transcript Share This American Life Life Partners How to Listen Episodes Recommended About Overview Staff Announcements Fellowships Jobs Music Make Radio On The Road FAQ Submissions Merch Contact Us Our Other Shows Merch Follow Us Life Partners Subscribe to our newsletter Full episode Toggle Audio and Transcript Sync Transcript | Episode #52 | February 4, 2000 52: Edge of Sanity Note: This American Life is produced for the ear and designed to be heard.
00:00 00:00 文字记录 分享此 美国生活 生活伙伴 如何收听 剧集 推荐 关于 概述 员工公告 奖学金 工作 音乐 在路上制作电台 常见问题解答 提交 商品 联系我们 我们的其他节目 商品 关注我们 生活伙伴 订阅我们的时事通讯 整集 切换音频和文字记录同步 文字记录 | 内容第 52 集 | 2000 年 2 月 4 日 52：理智边缘 注：《美国生活》是为耳朵而制作的，旨在让人们听到。
If you are able, we strongly encourage you to listen to the audio, which includes emotion and emphasis that's not on the page.
如果可以的话，我们强烈建议您收听音频，其中包括页面上没有的情感和重点。
Transcripts are generated using a combination of speech recognition software and human transcribers, and may contain errors.
文字记录是使用语音识别软件和人工转录员结合生成的，可能包含错误。
Please check the corresponding audio before quoting in print.
请在印刷版引用前检查相应的音频。
Prologue Ira Glass Dara met him in a mental hospital.
序言 Ira Glass Dara 在精神病院遇见了他。
They were both patients.
他们都是病人。
They had group therapy together.
他们一起进行团体治疗。
So she knew all his secrets, even before they started seeing each other.
所以，甚至在他们开始见面之前，她就知道他所有的秘密。
And they told us not to get involved and that just made it even more fun to get involved.
他们告诉我们不要参与其中，这让参与变得更加有趣。
He was very funny.
他很有趣。
He was so funny.
他真是太有趣了。
He just made me laugh all the time.
他总是让我笑。
And he was really fun to be with.
和他在一起真的很有趣。
Things continued, even after they got out of the hospital.
即使他们出院后，事情仍在继续。
He was officially diagnosed as manic depressive.
他被正式诊断为躁狂抑郁症。
But he was manic a lot.
但他非常狂躁。
She was depressive.
她很沮丧。
I guess we complemented each other in a way.
我想我们在某种程度上是互补的。
But he was-- whoa.
但他是——哇。
He was whacked, man.
他被重击了，伙计。
He'd be in my apartment.
他会在我的公寓里。
He'd be walking like a chicken and stuff.
他会像鸡一样走路。
And I don't know.
我不知道。
He did anything to make me laugh.
他做了任何事让我发笑。
We were kind of on and off and then we decided to live together.
我们的关系时断时续，然后我们决定住在一起。
He's a little different.
他有点不同。
I mean, I liked the crazy part of him.
我的意思是，我喜欢他疯狂的部分。
I liked that funny, wacky.
我喜欢那种有趣、古怪的感觉。
But then, it's weird.
但接下来，就很奇怪了。
It's different when you're living with it.
当你和它一起生活时，情况会有所不同。
It's like you have the stand up comedian with you 24 hours.
就好像你有一位单口喜剧演员 24 小时陪在你身边。
It gets to be a little like snap out of it, can't you act normal?
事情有点像突然爆发，你就不能表现得正常一点吗？
Can't you just act mellow?
你就不能表现得温柔一点吗？
And no. No, that wasn't happening.
没有。不，那没有发生。
It wasn't happening because he was after all, mentally ill.
这并没有发生，因为他毕竟是个精神病患者。
He was just driving me crazy.
他简直快把我逼疯了。
Because also, we would be in the grocery store and it would take him so long to buy one item.
因为我们会在杂货店，他需要很长时间才能购买一件商品。
He'd be looking at it, and then comparing it to another one.
他会看着它，然后将其与另一件进行比较。
And then to another one.
然后到另一个。
And then he was smart, so he'd be figuring everything out mathematically.
然后他很聪明，所以他能用数学计算出一切。
And then by grams and stuff.
然后按克之类的东西。
And I would be like no way.
而我就好像没办法。
I can't handle this anymore.
我不能再处理这个了。
I just couldn't do it.
我就是做不到。
For some reason he also thought-- he also treated me like I was the crazy one.
出于某种原因，他还认为——他也把我当作疯子一样对待。
I always thought he was crazy, I guess.
我猜我一直以为他疯了。
So I don't think that worked.
所以我认为这不起作用。
Although there are plenty of people with severe and debilitating mental illness just as often the line between crazy and not crazy is blurry.
尽管有很多人患有严重且使人衰弱的精神疾病，但疯狂与不疯狂之间的界限却很模糊。
So many different kinds of behavior fall into both categories.
许多不同类型的行为都属于这两类。
And I think what captures our attention and our hearts when we talk with someone who's mentally ill, is not how they're different from us, but how they're the same.
我认为，当我们与精神病患者交谈时，引起我们注意和心动的不是他们与我们有何不同，而是他们与我们有何相同。
Well, from WBEZ in Chicago and Public Radio International, it's This American Life.
好吧，这是来自芝加哥 WBEZ 和国际公共广播电台的《This American Life》。
I'm Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯。
Today on our program we bring you stories of the sanity that is part of mental illness.
今天，在我们的节目中，我们为您带来精神疾病中保持理智的故事。
People who stand on the borderline between sanity and sickness.
处于理智与疾病边缘的人。
Act One, Girl, Interrupted.
第一幕，女孩，被打断。
A movie has been made out of Susanna Kaysen's memoir, Girl, Interrupted , about a mental hospital.
苏珊娜·凯森 (Susanna Kaysen) 的回忆录《女孩，被打扰》(Girl, Interrupted) 被拍成一部电影，讲述的是一家精神病院的故事。
If you've never read the book, it is one of the most remarkable pieces of nonfiction writing of the last few years.
如果您从未读过这本书，那么它是过去几年最出色的非小说类作品之一。
We have an excerpt.
我们有一个摘录。
Act Two, Guided By Voices.
第二幕，声音引导。
We also have this tape made by people who actually hear voices in their heads.
我们还有这盘磁带，是由那些真正在脑海中听到声音的人制作的。
And the tape is designed to simulate what it is that they hear.
磁带的设计目的是模拟他们听到的内容。
Act Three, Plague of Tics.
第三幕，抽动症。
David Sedaris explains the voices that he hears in his head.
大卫·塞达里斯解释了他在脑海中听到的声音。
Act Four, You Don't Have to Be Crazy to Work Here, But It Helps.
第四幕，你不必疯狂地在这里工作，但这很有帮助。
What it's like if you hold the keys to the asylum, but your grip on them is not too steady.
如果你拿着疯人院的钥匙，但握得不太稳，会是什么样子？
Stay with us.
留在我们身边。
Act One, at the age of 18, after a brief appointment with a psychiatrist who she had never met before, Susanna Kaysen entered McLean Psychiatric Hospital.
第一幕，18 岁时，在与一位她从未见过的精神科医生短暂会面后，苏珊娜·凯森进入了麦克莱恩精神病医院。
Her book, Girl, Interrupted, describes her stay on the ward for teenage girls, where she spent most of two years.
她的书《女孩，被打扰》描述了她在少女病房度过的大部分时间。
It's partly an account of what it's like to have certain mental illnesses and partly an account of everyday life on the ward.
这部分是对患有某些精神疾病的感觉的描述，部分是对病房日常生活的描述。
The nurses the girls liked and didn't like, the doctors, and the way the young women on the ward interacted with each other.
女孩们喜欢和不喜欢的护士、医生，以及病房里年轻女性彼此互动的方式。
One day a second Lisa arrived.
有一天，第二个丽莎到来了。
We called her buy her full name, Lisa Cody, to distinguish her from the real Lisa, who remained named simply, Lisa, like a queen.
我们叫她买她的全名丽莎·科迪（Lisa Cody），以将她与真正的丽莎区分开来，后者仍然简单地命名为丽莎·科迪（Lisa Cody），就像一个女王。
The Lisas became friends.
丽莎夫妇成了朋友。
One of their favorite activities was having phone conversations.
他们最喜欢的活动之一是打电话。
The three phone booths near the double locked double doors were our only privacy.
双锁双门附近的三个电话亭是我们唯一的隐私。
We could go in one and shut the door.
我们可以进去然后关上门。
Even the craziest person could sit in a phone booth and have a private conversation, though only with herself.
即使是最疯狂的人也可以坐在电话亭里进行私人谈话，尽管只是和她自己。
The nurses had lists of permitted numbers for each of us.
护士有我们每个人允许的号码清单。
When we picked up the phone, a nurse would answer.
当我们拿起电话时，会有护士接听。
Hello, we'd say.
你好，我们会说。
This is Georgina, or Cynthia, or Polly.
这是乔治娜、辛西娅或波莉。
I want to call 555-4270.
我想拨打 555-4270。
That's not on your list the nurse would say.
护士会说这不在你的清单上。
Then the line would go dead.
然后线路就会断线。
But there was still the quiet dusty phone booth and the old fashioned black receiver with its sharp, dorsal ridge.
但仍然有安静、布满灰尘的电话亭和老式黑色听筒，其背部有锋利的脊线。
The Lisas had phone conversations.
丽莎夫妇进行了电话交谈。
Each one got in a booth, folded the door shut and yelled into her receiver.
每个人都进入一个隔间，关上门，对着听筒大喊。
When the nurse answered, Lisa yelled, "Off the line!" Then the Lisas got on with their conversation.
当护士接电话时，丽莎喊道：“挂线了！”然后丽莎一家继续谈话。
Sometimes they yelled insults.
有时他们还大声辱骂。
Sometimes they yelled about their plans for the day.
有时他们会大喊当天的计划。
"Want to go over to the cafeteria for dinner?" Lisa Cody would yell.
“想去食堂吃晚饭吗？”丽莎科迪会大喊大叫。
But Lisa was restricted to the ward, so she'd have to yell back something like, "Why do you want to eat that slop with all those psychotics?"
但丽莎被限制在病房里，所以她必须大喊类似这样的话：“你为什么想和那些精神病患者一起吃那泔水？”
To which Lisa Cody would yell, "What do you think you are?"
丽莎·科迪会大喊：“你以为你是什么？”
"Sociopath!" Lisa would yell proudly.
“反社会者！”丽莎会自豪地大喊。
Cynthia was depressive.
辛西娅很沮丧。
Polly and Georgina were schizophrenic.
波莉和乔治娜患有精神分裂症。
I had a character disorder.
我有性格障碍。
Sometimes they called it a personality disorder.
有时他们称之为人格障碍。
When I got my diagnosis, it didn't sound serious.
当我得到诊断结果时，听起来并不严重。
But after a while, it sounded more ominous than other people's.
但过了一段时间，听起来就比其他人更不祥了。
I imagine my character as a plate or shirt that had been manufactured incorrectly and was therefore useless.
我把我的角色想象成一件制造错误的盘子或衬衫，因此毫无用处。
When she had been with us a month or so, Lisa Cody got a diagnosis.
当丽莎·科迪和我们在一起大约一个月后，她得到了诊断。
She was a sociopath too.
她也是一个反社会者。
She was happy because she wanted to be like Lisa in all things.
她很高兴，因为她想在所有事情上都像丽莎一样。
Lisa was not so happy because she had been the only sociopath among us.
丽莎不太高兴，因为她是我们中唯一的反社会者。
We are very rare, she told me once.
“我们很稀有，”她有一次告诉我。
And mostly, we are men.
大多数情况下，我们都是男人。
After Lisa Cody got her diagnosis, the Lisas started making more trouble.
丽莎·科迪确诊后，丽莎一家开始制造更多麻烦。
Acting out, the nurses said.
护士们说，这是在表现。
We knew what it was.
我们知道那是什么。
The real Lisa was proving that Lisa Cody wasn't a sociopath.
真正的丽莎正在证明丽莎科迪不是一个反社会者。
Lisa tongued her sleeping meds for a week, took them all at once and stayed zonked for a day and a night.
丽莎吃了一周的安眠药，然后一次性全部服用，并昏迷了一天一夜。
Lisa Cody managed to save only four of hers.
丽莎·科迪只救了她的四个孩子。
And when she took them, she puked.
当她服用它们时，她吐了。
Lisa put a cigarette out on her arm at 6:30 in the morning while the nurses were changing shifts.
早上 6 点 30 分，护士们换班时，丽莎在手臂上掐灭了一支烟。
That afternoon, Lisa Cody burned a tiny welt on her wrist and spent the next 20 minutes running cold water on it.
那天下午，丽莎·科迪（Lisa Cody）手腕上烧伤了一个小伤口，并在接下来的 20 分钟里用冷水冲洗了伤口。
Then they had a life history battle.
然后他们进行了一场生活史之战。
Lisa wormed out of Lisa Cody that she'd grown up in Greenwich, Connecticut.
丽莎·科迪（Lisa Cody）认为她是在康涅狄格州格林威治长大的。
"Greenwich, Connecticut," she sneered.
“康涅狄格州格林威治，”她冷笑道。
"No sociopath could emerge from there.
“那里不会出现任何反社会人格者。
Were you a debutante too?"
你也是新人吗？”
Speed, black beauties, coke, heroine, Lisa had done it all.
速度、黑美人、可乐、女主角，丽莎都做到了。
Lisa Cody said she'd been a junkie too.
丽莎·科迪说她也是个瘾君子。
She rolled her sleeve back to show her tracks.
她把袖子向后卷起，露出脚印。
Faint scratches along the vein as if once, years before, she had tangled with a rose bush.
静脉上有微弱的抓痕，仿佛几年前，她曾与一朵玫瑰花丛纠缠在一起。
"A suburban junkie," said Lisa.
“一个郊区的瘾君子，”丽莎说。
"You were playing that's what."
“你玩的就是这个。”
"Hey, man.
“嘿，伙计。
Junk's junk," Lisa Cody protested.
垃圾就是垃圾，”丽莎·科迪抗议道。
Lisa pushed her sleeve up to her elbow and shoved her arm under Lisa Cody's nose.
丽莎把袖子拉到肘部，把手臂伸到丽莎·科迪鼻子底下。
Her arm was studded with pale brown lumps, gnarled and authentic.
她的手臂上布满了浅棕色的肿块，粗糙而真实。
"These," said Lisa, "are tracks, man.
“这些，”丽莎说，“是足迹，伙计。
Later for your tracks."
稍后查看你的踪迹。”
Lisa Cody was beaten, but she didn't have the sense to give up.
丽莎·科迪被打了，但她没有放弃的意思。
She still sat beside Lisa at breakfast and hall meeting.
在早餐和大厅会议上，她仍然坐在丽莎旁边。
She still waited in the phone booth for the call that didn't come.
她仍然在电话亭里等待电话，但没有打来。
"I gotta get rid of her," said Lisa.
“我得摆脱她，”丽莎说。
"Who?" asked Cynthia, Polly's protector.
“WHO？”波莉的保护者辛西娅问道。
But Lisa didn't bother to clarify.
但丽莎没有费心去澄清。
One evening when the nurses walked the halls at dusk to turn on the lights that made our ward as bright and jarring as a penny arcade, they found every light bulb gone.
一天晚上，当护士们在黄昏时分走过大厅去打开灯光时，我们的病房就像一个便士拱廊一样明亮而刺耳，他们发现每个灯泡都不见了。
Not broken, vanished.
没有破碎，消失了。
We knew who'd done it.
我们知道是谁干的。
The question was, where had she put them?
问题是，她把它们放在哪里了？
It was hard to search in the darkness.
在黑暗中寻找是很困难的。
Even the light bulbs in our rooms were gone.
甚至我们房间里的灯泡也不见了。
"Lisa has the true artistic temperament," said Georgina.
“丽莎具有真正的艺术气质，”乔治娜说。
"Just hunt," said the head nurse.
“只是打猎，”护士长说。
"Everybody hunt."
“大家一起狩猎。”
Lisa sat out the hunt in the TV room.
丽莎坐在电视室里，不参加狩猎活动。
It was Lisa Cody who found them as she was meant to.
丽莎·科迪如愿找到了他们。
She was probably planning to sit out the hunt as well, in the place that held memories of better days.
她可能也打算在狩猎结束时坐在那个保存着美好时光记忆的地方。
She must've felt some resistance when she tried to fold the door back.
当她试图将门折回去时，她一定感到了一些阻力。
There were dozens of light bulbs inside.
里面有几十个灯泡。
But she persevered, just as she had persevered with Lisa.
但她坚持了下来，就像她对待丽莎一样。
The crunch and clatter brought us also scampering down to the phone booths.
嘎吱声和叮当声让我们也跑到了电话亭。
"Broken," said Lisa Cody.
“坏了，”丽莎·科迪说。
Everyone asked Lisa how she'd done it.
每个人都问丽莎她是怎么做到的。
But all she would say was, I've got a long, skinny arm.
但她只会说，我有一条又长又瘦的手臂。
Lisa Cody disappeared two days later.
两天后，丽莎·科迪失踪了。
Somewhere between our ward and the cafeteria she slipped away.
她在我们的病房和自助餐厅之间的某个地方溜走了。
Nobody ever found her, though the search went on for more than a week.
尽管搜寻持续了一个多星期，但没有人找到她。
"She couldn't take this place," said Lisa.
“她不能占据这个地方，”丽莎说。
And though we listened for a trace of jealousy in her voice, we didn't hear one.
尽管我们从她的声音中听出一丝嫉妒，但我们没有听到。
Some months later, Lisa ran off again while she was being taken to a gynecology consult at the Mass General.
几个月后，丽莎在被带到麻省总医院去看妇科时再次逃跑。
Two days she managed this time.
这次她成功了两天。
When she got back she looked especially pleased with herself.
当她回来的时候，她看上去特别得意。
Polly shook her head.
波莉摇摇头。
"She's a real junkie now," said Lisa, smiling.
“她现在是个真正的瘾君子了，”丽莎微笑着说。
One girl among us had set herself on fire.
我们当中的一名女孩自焚了。
She used gasoline.
她用的是汽油。
She was too young to drive at the time.
当时她还太小，还不能开车。
I wondered how she had gotten hold of it.
我想知道她是怎么得到它的。
Had she walked to her neighborhood garage and told them her father's car had run out of gas?
她有没有走到附近的车库告诉他们她父亲的车没油了？
I couldn't look at her without thinking about it.
我无法不假思索地看着她。
I think the gasoline had settled in her collarbones, forming pools there beside her shoulders.
我认为汽油已经沉积在她的锁骨中，在她的肩膀旁边形成了水池。
Because her neck and cheeks were scarred the most.
因为她的脖子和脸颊伤痕最深。
The scars were thick ridges, alternating bright pink and white in stripes up from her neck.
伤疤呈粗隆状，从脖子开始，亮粉色和白色的条纹交替出现。
They were so tough and wide that she couldn't turn her head, but had to swivel her entire upper torso if she wanted to see a person standing next to her.
它们是如此坚硬和宽大，以至于她无法转动头，但如果她想看到站在她旁边的人，就必须旋转她的整个上半身。
Scar tissue has no character.
疤痕组织没有特征。
It's not like skin.
它不像皮肤。
It doesn't show age or illness, or pallor or tan.
它不显示年龄或疾病，也不显示苍白或晒黑。
It has no pores, no hair, no wrinkles.
它没有毛孔、没有毛发、没有皱纹。
It's like a slip cover.
它就像一个滑盖。
It shields and disguises what's beneath.
它屏蔽并掩盖了下面的东西。
That's why we grow it.
这就是我们种植它的原因。
We have something to hide.
我们有事要隐瞒。
Her name was Polly.
她的名字叫波莉。
This name must have seemed ridiculous to her in the days or months when she was planning to set herself on fire, but it suited her well in her slip-covered survivor life.
在她计划自焚的几天或几个月里，这个名字对她来说一定显得很荒谬，但在她的幸存者生活中却很适合她。
She was never unhappy.
她从来没有不快乐过。
She was kind and comforting to those who were unhappy.
她对那些不幸的人很友善并安慰。
She never complained.
她从不抱怨。
She always had time to listen to other people's complaints.
她总是有时间倾听别人的抱怨。
She was faultless in her impermeable, tight, pink and white casing.
她那不透水、紧身、粉色和白色的外壳完美无瑕。
Whatever had driven her, whispered "die" in her once perfect-- now scarred-- ear, she had emulated it.
无论是什么驱使她，在她曾经完美但现在伤痕累累的耳朵里低声说“死”，她都效仿了。
Why did she do it?
她为什么这么做？
Nobody knew.
没有人知道。
Nobody dared to ask.
没有人敢问。
Because what courage.
因为多么有勇气啊。
Who had the courage to burn herself?
谁有勇气自焚？
20 aspirin, a little slit alongside the veins of the arm, maybe even a bad half hour standing on a roof.
20颗阿司匹林，沿着手臂静脉划出一条小缝，甚至可能在屋顶上站了半个小时。
We've all had those.
我们都有过这些。
And somewhat more dangerous things, like putting a gun in your mouth.
还有一些更危险的事情，比如把枪放在嘴里。
But you put it there, you taste it, it's cold and greasy.
但你放在那里，你尝一尝，又冷又油腻。
Your finger is on the trigger and you find that a whole world lies between this moment and the moment you've been planning when you'll pull the trigger.
你的手指放在扳机上，你发现这一刻和你计划扣动扳机的那一刻之间存在着整个世界。
That world defeats you.
那个世界打败了你。
You put the gun back in the drawer.
你把枪放回抽屉里。
You'll have to find another way.
你必须找到另一种方法。
What was that moment like for her, the moment she lit the match?
当她点燃火柴的那一刻，对她来说是什么样的？
Had she already tried roofs and guns and aspirin?
她已经尝试过屋顶、枪和阿司匹林了吗？
Or was it just an inspiration?
或者这只是一个灵感？
I had an inspiration once.
我曾经有过一个灵感。
I woke up one morning and I knew that today I had to swallow 50 aspirin.
一天早上我醒来，我知道今天我必须吞下 50 颗阿司匹林。
It was my task, my job for the day.
这是我的任务，我今天的工作。
I lined them up on my desk and took them one by one, counting.
我把它们放在桌子上，一张一张地拿起，数着。
But it's not the same as what she did.
但这和她做的不一样。
I could have stopped at 10 or 30.
我本可以在 10 或 30 点停下来。
And I could have done what I did do, which was go onto the street and faint.
我本来可以做我做过的事，那就是走到街上晕倒。
50 aspirin is a lot of aspirin.
50颗阿司匹林是很多阿司匹林。
But going onto the street and fainting is like putting the gun back in the drawer.
但走到街上晕倒就像把枪放回抽屉里一样。
She lit the match.
她点燃了火柴。
Where?
在哪里？
In the garage at home where she wouldn't set anything else on fire?
在家里的车库里，她不会放火烧其他任何东西？
Out in a field?
在田野里？
In a high school gym?
在高中体育馆？
In an empty swimming pool?
在空荡荡的游泳池里？
Somebody found her, but not for a while.
有人找到了她，但有一段时间没有找到。
Who would kiss a person like that, a person with no skin?
谁会亲吻这样一个没有皮肤的人？
She was 18 before this thought occurred to her.
在她产生这个想法之前，她已经18岁了。
She'd spent a year with us.
她和我们一起度过了一年。
Other people stormed and screamed and cringed and cried.
其他人则愤怒、尖叫、畏缩、哭泣。
Polly watched and smiled.
波莉看着，笑了。
She sat by people who were frightened and her presence calmed them.
她坐在那些受到惊吓的人旁边，她的出现让他们平静下来。
Her smile wasn't mean, it was understanding.
她的笑容并不刻薄，而是一种理解。
Life was hellish, she knew that.
生活是地狱般的，她知道这一点。
But her smile hinted she'd burned all that out of her.
但她的微笑暗示着她已经把所有这些都烧光了。
Her smile with a little bit superior.
她的笑容带着几分优越。
We wouldn't have the courage to burn it out of ourselves, but she understood that too.
我们没有勇气把它烧掉，但她也明白这一点。
Everyone was different, people just did what they could.
每个人都是不同的，人们只是做了他们能做的。
One morning somebody was crying.
一天早上，有人在哭。
But mornings were often noisy.
但早晨常常很吵。
Fights about getting up on time and complaints about nightmares.
为准时起床而争吵，并抱怨做噩梦。
Polly was so quiet, so unobtrusive a presence that we didn't notice she wasn't at breakfast.
波莉是如此安静，如此不引人注目，以至于我们没有注意到她没有在吃早餐。
After breakfast we could still hear crying.
早餐后，我们仍然可以听到哭声。
Who's crying?
谁在哭？
Nobody knew.
没有人知道。
"It's Polly," said Lisa, who knew everything.
“是波莉，”丽莎说，她什么都知道。
At dusk, the crying changed to screaming.
黄昏时分，哭声变成了尖叫声。
Dusk is a dangerous time.
黄昏是一个危险的时刻。
At first she screamed, aah and ee!
起初她尖叫起来，啊啊啊！
Then she started to scream words.
然后她开始尖叫。
My face, my face, my face!
我的脸，我的脸，我的脸！
We could hear other voices shushing her, murmuring comfort.
我们可以听到其他声音在嘘她，低声安慰她。
But she continued to scream her two words long into the night.
但她仍继续尖叫着这两个字，直到深夜。
Lisa said, "Well, I've been expecting this for a while."
丽莎说：“好吧，我已经期待这一天有一段时间了。”
And then I think we all realized what fools we'd been.
然后我想我们都意识到我们是多么愚蠢。
We might get out some time, but she was locked up forever in that body.
我们或许可以出去一段时间，但她却被永远锁在了那个身体里。
Susanna Kaysen.
苏珊娜·凯森。
Her book is called Girl, Interrupted.
她的书叫《女孩，被打扰》。
[MUSIC- "YOU NEED AN ANALYST" BY ALLAN SHERMAN]
[音乐-艾伦·谢尔曼的《你需要一位分析师》]
Act Two, Guided by Voices.
第二幕，由声音引导。
Pat Deegan heard voices and she was a psychologist.
帕特·迪根听到了声音，她是一名心理学家。
When she was a girl the voices were friendly.
当她还是个女孩的时候，声音很友善。
She thought everybody heard voices.
她以为每个人都听到了声音。
She didn't know that other people didn't.
她不知道其他人不知道。
But when she turned 17, the voices changed.
但当她17岁的时候，声音就变了。
They became vicious, critical, unbearable.
他们变得恶毒、挑剔、难以忍受。
She was diagnosed as a schizophrenic.
她被诊断为精神分裂症患者。
Years later, as a psychologist herself, she thought the only way mental health workers can really understand what their patients go through is if they hear the voices too.
多年后，作为一名心理学家，她认为心理健康工作者能够真正理解患者经历的唯一方法就是他们也能听到这些声音。
So she and some other people who hear voices got together to make a tape.
于是她和其他一些听到声音的人聚在一起制作了一盘磁带。
They talked about the kinds of things the voices normally say to them and put together a script and had it recorded.
他们讨论了声音通常对他们说的各种事情，并编写了一个脚本并将其录制下来。
And then they set up these training sessions where mental health workers would listen to this tape on a Walkman.
然后他们设立了这些培训课程，让心理健康工作者在随身听上听这盘磁带。
And while they are listening to the voices, we also have them go through a mock psychiatric emergency services situation where they receive a mental status exam.
在他们聆听声音的同时，我们还让他们经历模拟精神科紧急服务情况，接受精神状态检查。
They go to a mock psychological testing center where they do a reading comprehension test.
他们前往模拟心理测试中心进行阅读理解测试。
They go to a mock day treatment program where they do some cognitive puzzles.
他们参加模拟日治疗项目，做一些认知谜题。
And we also send them out into the community to have some kind of interaction.
我们还派他们到社区进行某种互动。
Get four quarters for a dollar, for instance, where they have to have some kind of social exchange with the public while experiencing these voices.
例如，一美元就能买到四枚二十五美分的硬币，他们必须在体验这些声音的同时与公众进行某种社交交流。
And the actual voices that we're hearing on the tape, are these people who actually experience voices or they--
我们在磁带上听到的实际声音是那些真正经历过声音的人或者他们——
These aren't actors, no. All of us were voice-hearers.
这些不是演员，不是。我们所有人都是声音的聆听者。
And are people simply reciting the voices that they themselves hear in their head sometimes?
人们有时只是在背诵他们自己在脑海中听到的声音吗？
No, interestingly, we decided as a group that that's, for voice-hearers, much too dangerous a thing to do.
不，有趣的是，我们作为一个团队认为，对于语音听众来说，这是一件太危险的事情。
People can actually internally get into enormous conflict and go into enormous crisis by revealing the content of what it is their voices are saying.
通过揭露他们的声音所说的内容，人们实际上可能会在内部陷入巨大的冲突并陷入巨大的危机。
Voices, very frequently, don't want to be broadcast all over the place.
声音，非常频繁地，不想被传播到各处。
And so we had to take great care around that as voice-hearers ourselves.
因此，作为声音聆听者，我们自己必须非常小心。
And so, for example, I think there's a man on there who says, you disgust me.
例如，我认为那里有一个人说，你让我恶心。
That isn't his own-- that isn't what he, himself, hears, that's what somebody else might hear?
那不是他自己听到的——那不是他自己听到的，那是其他人可能听到的？
That's right.
这是正确的。
Man 1 That's right.
男人1 没错。
That's right.
这是正确的。
Look at them.
看看他们。
Their eyes are filled with disgust.
他们的眼神里充满了厌恶。
They know how disgusting you are.
他们知道你有多恶心。
Stop it now.
现在停止吧。
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
停下来，停下来，停下来，停下来。
I see you.
我看见你。
I see you.
我看见你。
They see you.
他们看到你了。
Everyone sees you.
每个人都看到你。
They hear you.
他们听到你的声音。
They know you.
他们认识你。
They know how foul you are.
他们知道你有多肮脏。
Ugh.
啊。
You are foul.
你犯规了。
Don't touch it.
别碰它。
Don't touch it.
别碰它。
Don't touch it.
别碰它。
Don't touch it.
别碰它。
Don't touch it.
别碰它。
The layering of voices on the tape, is that the way people actually experience this?
磁带上的声音层次，是人们实际体验的方式吗？
That they'll hear several voices at once?
他们会同时听到几个声音？
Again, there's enormous individual variation with this.
同样，这存在巨大的个体差异。
But it's not at all unusual for people to have more than one voice and to have more than one voice activated or talking at the same time.
但对于人们来说，拥有不止一种声音并且同时激活或说话不止一种声音并不罕见。
Are the voices generally negative?
大家的声音普遍都是负面的吗？
Are they saying negative things?
他们在说消极的话吗？
That seems to be a characteristic of people who are showing up for help with the voice-hearing experience, is that there aren't a predominance of helpful or good voices as we would call them.
这似乎是那些寻求声音听觉体验帮助的人的一个特点，那就是，我们所说的有帮助或好的声音并不占主导地位。
Filth, swine, disgusting garbage eater.
污秽、猪、恶心的垃圾食者。
I said you.
我说你。
Yeah, that's right.
是的，没错。
You stink.
你很臭。
You stink.
你很臭。
Filth, dirt, smirk, laughing, huh?
肮脏、肮脏、傻笑、大笑，是吧？
You're not funny.
你一点都不好笑。
You're pathetic.
你真可怜。
[LAUGHTER] You stink.
[笑声]你很臭。
Stinky, stinky, stink, stink.
臭，臭，臭，臭。
Stink.
臭。
The only thing that's funny around here is you.
这里唯一有趣的是你。
That's right.
这是正确的。
It's interesting because over the last few days, as a been thinking about this and listening to the tape and looking at your book, I've tried to be aware of whether in some low level way, I hear voices in my head.
这很有趣，因为在过去的几天里，当我一直在思考这个问题、听磁带、看你的书时，我试图意识到是否以某种低级的方式，我听到了脑海中的声音。
And I feel like I hear songs run through my head a lot more than I hear actual voices.
我觉得我听到的歌曲在我脑海中闪过的次数比我听到实际声音的次数要多得多。
And I was wondering if you view what voice-hearers experience as being just on a continuum from what everybody experiences in their everyday life?
我想知道您是否认为语音聆听者的体验与每个人日常生活中的体验是连续的？
I think that the idea of a continuum is a nice one, but I'm afraid in this way I don't think it's accurate to talk about voice-hearing as being a continuum.
我认为连续体的想法很好，但恐怕这样我认为将语音听觉视为连续体是不准确的。
The big, big, big difference between hearing the song in your head and having experience of hearing distressing voices is that first of all, in the truest sense of hearing, you don't hear it in the way that you hear my voice right now.
在你的脑海中听到这首歌和听到令人痛苦的声音之间的巨大、巨大、巨大的区别在于，首先，在最真实的听觉上，你听到的不是你现在听到我的声音的方式。
The voice-hearing experience is first and foremost and most primordially, a profoundly auditory experience.
声音聆听体验首先是一种深刻的听觉体验。
To the point where you can actually startle if a voice starts up suddenly and you turn around and you're wondering where it all started, and if someone is actually in the room.
如果一个声音突然响起，你会感到震惊，然后你转身想知道这一切是从哪里开始的，以及是否有人真的在房间里。
I feel silly that I didn't understand that up until this point.
我觉得自己很傻，直到现在我还不明白这一点。
Somehow I had thought that what we were talking about were just simply-- I didn't realize that it was an auditory experience that one might confuse with actually hearing a sound in the room.
不知怎的，我以为我们谈论的只是简单的——我没有意识到这是一种听觉体验，人们可能会与实际听到房间里的声音相混淆。
Hey, turn around and listen to me.
嘿，转过身来听我说。
Hey.
嘿。
Hey.
嘿。
Yeah, that's you I'm talking to.
是的，我正在和你说话。
You're nothing.
你什么都不是。
You know it's the truth too.
你知道这也是事实。
You know it.
你知道的。
Oh.
哦。
Ah.
啊。
Ah, I can't stand it anymore.
啊，我已经受不了了。
You are disgusting.
你真恶心。
Slow down.
减速。
Slow down.
减速。
Slow down.
减速。
Slow down.
减速。
Slow down.
减速。
Slow down.
减速。
Get in the house.
进屋吧。
Go where you belong.
去你属于的地方。
Hide away.
躲起来。
Hide away.
躲起来。
You know what?
你知道吗？
You can't hide.
你无法隐藏。
You can't hide.
你无法隐藏。
They know where you are.
他们知道你在哪里。
They're going to find you no matter what you do.
无论你做什么，他们都会找到你。
They know.
他们知道。
You know.
你知道。
I know.
我知道。
We know.
我们知道。
They all know.
他们都知道。
Stop it.
停止吧。
Stop it.
停止吧。
Among the materials that you've put out, there's a pamphlet called, "Coping with Voices: Self-help Strategies for People Who Hear Voices That Are Distressing." You have advice for people who are hearing voices, the simple things that they can do.
在你们发布的材料中，有一本小册子，名为《应对声音：针对听到令人痛苦的声音的人的自助策略》。您为那些听到声音的人提供了建议，以及他们可以做的简单事情。
And one of them that you suggest is-- just to take a typical one here.
您建议的其中之一是——仅举一个典型的。
One of them is using ear plugs.
其中之一是使用耳塞。
You say that some people have found that putting an ear plug in an ear can greatly reduce or eliminate distressing voices?
你说有人发现把耳塞塞在耳朵里可以大大减少或消除令人苦恼的声音？
Yes, this is an interesting finding.
是的，这是一个有趣的发现。
And empirically what they've found is that putting the wax in both ears does not work.
根据经验，他们发现将耳垢放入双耳中是行不通的。
You have to try through trial and error, work with you right ear, then your left ear.
你必须反复试验，先用右耳，然后用左耳。
For some people, for instance, putting it in the right ear, leaving it there for 15 minutes, will interrupt the voices.
例如，对于某些人来说，将其放在右耳中并停留 15 分钟，就会中断声音。
And in some cases, make them go away.
在某些情况下，让它们消失。
For other people you leave it in the right ear for 15 minutes and it's only when you take the plug out that the voices are interrupted and/or stop.
对于其他人，您将其放在右耳中 15 分钟，只有当您拔出塞子时，声音才会中断和/或停止。
Do you have any thoughts about why it might work?
您对它为何有效有什么想法吗？
No, I really don't.
不，我真的不知道。
Ira Glass Is it just as simple as, well, let's just change the situation and just any change, like any physical change might help?
艾拉·格拉斯（Ira Glass）：是不是就这么简单，好吧，让我们改变一下情况，任何改变，比如任何物理改变都可能有所帮助？
I think, frankly, after my studies and also through a lot of personal trial and error and learning experiences myself that there really is enormous truth that anything that promotes a sense of personal efficacy and power.
坦率地说，我认为，经过我的学习，也通过大量的个人尝试和错误以及我自己的学习经历，确实存在着巨大的真理，即任何能够促进个人效能和力量感的事情。
That seems to be the key that these voices, which present themselves as the all-knowing, all-powerful, we know everything, we see everything you do, and on and on and on, to find that I can interrupt that powerful a force, really creates a space for me to have some power.
这似乎是关键，这些声音将自己呈现为全知、全能的，我们知道一切，我们看到你所做的一切，不断地发现我可以打断那股强大的力量，真正为我创造了一个拥有某种力量的空间。
And of course, this flies in the face of what much of modern psychiatry is saying.
当然，这与现代精神病学的大部分说法背道而驰。
That people who are experiencing major mental illness are having broken brains and can't possibly take a stand towards what's ailing them, except to take medications.
患有严重精神疾病的人脑子已经坏了，除了服用药物之外，不可能对自己的疾病采取立场。
I feel we're doing an enormous disservice in the United States in particular, by saying that medications are the only answer.
我觉得我们说药物是唯一的答案，尤其是在美国，这是一种巨大的伤害。
Pat, do you talk about your own experiences of voice hear?
Pat，你能谈谈你自己的声音聆听经历吗？
I don't want to intrude in something that's private that you don't talk about publicly and ask you questions on this thing if you don't.
我不想打扰你不公开谈论的私人事情，如果你不这样做，我也不想问你关于这件事的问题。
No, I do talk about it in some generality.
不，我确实笼统地谈论过它。
Yes.
是的。
In your own experience, have you successfully made voices go away completely?
根据您自己的经验，您是否成功地让声音完全消失？
Do they come back sometimes for you?
他们有时会回来找你吗？
I live with distressing voices on almost a daily basis.
我几乎每天都生活在令人痛苦的声音中。
Not 24 hours a day, but usually in the course of the day my voices do come.
不是一天 24 小时，但通常一天中我的声音都会传来。
So, for instance, just before coming into this recording studio, I was sitting out in the waiting area.
例如，就在进入录音室之前，我坐在等候区。
In the BUR offices.
在 BUR 办公室。
And there's a lot of what I would call white noise out there.
那里有很多我称之为白噪音的东西。
White noise coming from a fan and a ventilation system in the room.
来自房间内风扇和通风系统的白噪音。
And for me, that was very prominent.
对我来说，这是非常突出的。
And for me and many other voice-heareres, a white noise situation is a set up for the emergence of distressing voices.
对于我和许多其他声音听众来说，白噪音环境是为出现令人痛苦的声音而设置的。
So as that began to happen, I could say to myself, OK, it's going to be all right.
当这种情况开始发生时，我可以对自己说，好吧，一切都会好起来的。
I know I've got 10 minutes before the interview starts.
我知道距离采访开始还有 10 分钟。
And I pulled out an ear plug and I put it in my left ear, which is the ear that works for me.
我拔出一个耳塞，把它戴在我的左耳上，这是适合我的耳朵。
And I reassured myself that once I got out of the white noise situation that I would be doing better.
我向自己保证，一旦摆脱白噪音的困扰，我会做得更好。
How do you conceive of the voices that you hear?
您如何看待您听到的声音？
Do you conceive of them as being separate from yourself?
你认为他们与你自己是分开的吗？
Or do you conceive of them as being a part of yourself that you can recognize?
或者你认为它们是你能认出的你自己的一部分吗？
I think that for me it's a goal to eventually be able to say these voices are a part of me.
我认为对我来说，最终能够说这些声音是我的一部分是一个目标。
And that's actually one of the self-help coping strategies that I do use sometimes.
这实际上是我有时使用的自助应对策略之一。
So, for instance, if I have a particularly derogatory, awful voice that I might say as a coping strategy, today I am feeling like I am no good.
所以，举例来说，如果我有一个特别贬义、可怕的声音，我可能会说这是一种应对策略，那么今天我会感觉自己不好。
Today I am feeling like I'm a worthless person.
今天我感觉自己是一个没有价值的人。
These are my thoughts.
这些是我的想法。
These are my feelings.
这些是我的感受。
Is that because when the voice is saying that, literally you are not having the feeling, oh, I'm feeling bad today?
那是因为当那个声音这么说时，你实际上并没有这种感觉，哦，我今天感觉很糟糕？
Dr. Patricia Deegan.
帕特里夏·迪根博士。
Her organization, The National Empowerment Center, can be reached at 1-800-POWER2YOU.
您可以拨打 1-800-POWER2YOU 联系她的组织国家赋权中心。
That's 1-800, then the word "power", then the number "2", then the letter "U".
这是 1-800，然后是单词“power”，然后是数字“2”，然后是字母“U”。
[MUSIC- "SEETHER" BY VERUCA SALT]
[音乐-《SEETHER》，作者：VERUCA SALT]
Coming up, David Sedaris rocks, but not the way we usually mean when we say that.
大卫·塞达里斯 (David Sedaris) 即将登场，震撼人心，但不是我们通常所说的那样。
And other stories in a minute from Public Radio International when our program continues.
当我们的节目继续时，国际公共广播电台将立即报道其他故事。
It's This American Life, I'm Ira Glass.
这就是美国生活，我是艾拉·格拉斯。
Each week on our program of course we choose a theme and invite a variety of writers, documentary producers, and performers to do stories on that theme.
当然，我们每周的节目都会选择一个主题，并邀请各种作家、纪录片制片人和表演者围绕该主题创作故事。
Today's program, on the edge of mental health.
今天的节目，关于心理健康的边缘。
Stories of people who stand right at the border of sanity and sickness.
那些站在理智与疾病边缘的人们的故事。
We have arrived at Act Three of our program, Plague of Tics.
我们已经到了节目的第三幕，抽动瘟疫。
Well, regular listeners to our show are familiar, very familiar, stunningly familiar, with David Sedaris.
嗯，我们节目的常客对大卫·塞达里斯很熟悉，非常熟悉，非常熟悉。
In the past, he's come onto the show to tell stories about getting the drama bug in high school, of his sister and mother deciding that they're going to solve crimes, of his first attempt, himself, at visiting a nudist colony.
过去，他在节目中讲述了高中时对戏剧的迷恋、他的姐姐和母亲决定破案的故事、他自己第一次尝试参观裸体主义者聚居地的故事。
Today's story begins in grade school.
今天的故事要从小学说起。
When the teacher asked if she might visit with my mother, I touched my nose eight times to the surface of my desk.
当老师问她是否可以拜访我的母亲时，我用鼻子在桌子上碰了八次。
"May I take that as a yes?" she asked.
“我可以认为这是肯定的吗？”她问道。
According to her calculations, I had left my chair 28 times that day.
根据她的计算，那天我离开椅子的次数有28次。
"You're up and down like a flea.
“你像跳蚤一样上上下下。
I turn my back for two minutes and there you are with your tongue pressed against that light switch.
我转过身去两分钟，你就发现你的舌头抵在了电灯开关上。
Maybe they do that where you come from, but here in my classroom we don't leave our seat and lick things whenever we please.
也许你来自的地方他们会这样做，但在我的教室里，我们不会离开座位，只要我们愿意就可以舔东西。
That is Ms. Chestnut's light switch and she likes to keep it dry.
那是栗子女士的电灯开关，她喜欢保持干燥。
Would you like for me to come over to your house and put my tongue on your light switches?
你想让我去你家用舌头舔你的电灯开关吗？
Well, would you?"
嗯，你愿意吗？”
I tried to picture her in action, but my shoe was calling.
我试图想象她的动作，但我的鞋子在呼唤。
"Take me off," it whispered.
“带我走吧，”它低声说道。
"Tap my heel against your forehead three times.
“用我的脚后跟敲击你的额头三下。
Do it now.
现在就做吧。
Quick.
快点。
No one will notice."
没有人会注意到。”
"Well?" Ms. Chestnut raised her faint penciled eyebrows.
“出色地？”切斯纳特女士扬起她用铅笔画的淡眉毛。
"I'm asking you a question.
“我在问你一个问题。
Would you or would you not want me licking the light switches in your house?"
你愿意还是不愿意我舔你家里的电灯开关？”
I slipped off my shoe, pretending to examine the imprint on the heel.
我脱下鞋子，假装检查鞋跟上的印记。
"You're going to hit yourself over the head with that shoe aren't you?"
“你会用那只鞋敲自己的头，不是吗？”
It wasn't hitting, it was tapping.
不是敲击，是敲击。
But still, how would she known what I was about to do?
但是，她怎么知道我要做什么呢？
"Heel marks all over your forehead," she said, answering my silent question.
“你的额头上全是脚后跟的痕迹，”她回答我无声的问题。
It was a short distance from the school to our rented house.
从学校到我们租的房子不远。
No more than 637 steps.
不超过 637 级台阶。
And on a good day, I could make the trip in an hour, pausing every few feet to tongue a mailbox or touch whichever single leaf or blade of grass demanded my attention.
如果天气好的话，我可以在一小时内完成行程，每隔几英尺就停下来用舌头舔邮箱或触摸任何需要我注意的叶子或草叶。
If I were to lose count of my steps, I'd have to return to the school and begin again.
如果我记不清自己的步数，我就必须返回学校重新开始。
I might touch the telephone pole at step 314 and then 15 paces later, worry that I hadn't touched it in exactly the right spot.
我可能会在第 314 步触摸电线杆，然后再过 15 步，担心我没有触摸到正确的位置。
It needed to be touched again.
需要再次触摸它。
This was a long and complicated process.
这是一个漫长而复杂的过程。
It demanded an oppressive attention to detail.
它需要对细节的高度关注。
Bypass that mailbox and my brain would never for one moment let me forget it.
绕过那个邮箱，我的大脑一刻也不会让我忘记它。
I might be sitting at the dinner table, daring myself not to think about it and the thought would revisit my mind.
我可能坐在餐桌旁，鼓起勇气不去想这件事，而这个想法又会重新出现在我的脑海里。
Don't think about it.
别想了。
But it was already too late and I knew then exactly what I had to do.
但已经太晚了，我清楚地知道我必须做什么。
Excusing myself to go to the bathroom, I'd walk out the front door and return to that mailbox.
我会借口去洗手间，走出前门，回到那个邮箱。
Not just touching, but jabbing.
不光是碰触，还有刺击。
Practically pounding on the thing because I thought I hated it so much.
实际上是在敲打那东西，因为我觉得我非常讨厌它。
What I really hated, of course, was my mind.
当然，我真正讨厌的是我的头脑。
There must've been an off switch somewhere, but I was damned if I could find it.
一定是某个地方有一个关闭开关，但如果我能找到它就该死了。
I didn't remember things being this way back north.
我不记得北方的事情是这样的。
Our family had been transferred from Endicott, New York, to Raleigh, North Carolina.
我们一家人从纽约州恩迪科特搬到了北卡罗来纳州罗利。
That was a word used by the people at IBM, "transferred."
这是 IBM 员工用的一个词，“转移”。
A new home was under construction, but until it was finished we were confined to a rental property built to resemble a plantation house.
一座新房正在建设中，但在完工之前，我们只能住在一栋类似种植园房屋的出租屋里。
The building sat in the treeless, balding yard.
这座建筑坐落在没有树木、光秃秃的院子里。
Its white columns promising a majesty the interior failed to deliver.
它的白色柱子承诺了内部的威严，但未能实现。
The front door opened onto a dark, narrow hallway lined with bedrooms not much larger than the mattresses which furnished them.
前门通向一条又黑又窄的走廊，两旁都是卧室，它们的面积比卧室里的床垫大不了多少。
Once home I would touch the front door seven times with each elbow, a task made much more difficult if there was anyone else around.
回到家后，我会用每个肘部碰前门七次，如果周围有其他人，这项任务就会变得更加困难。
"Why don't you try the knob?" my sister Lisa would say.
“你为什么不试试旋钮呢？”我姐姐丽莎会说。
"That's what the rest of us do and it seems to work for us."
“这就是我们其他人所做的，而且似乎对我们有用。”
Inside the house there were switches and door stops to be acknowledged.
房子里面有开关和门挡需要确认。
After kissing the 4th, 8th, and 12th carpeted stair, I wiped the cat hair from my lips and proceeded to the kitchen, where I was commanded to stroke the burners of the stove, press my nose against the refrigerator door, and arrange the percolator, toaster, and blender into a straight row.
亲吻了第四、八、十二层铺着地毯的楼梯后，我擦掉嘴唇上的猫毛，走进厨房，在那里我被命令抚摸炉子的燃烧器，把鼻子贴在冰箱门上，把渗滤器、烤面包机和搅拌机排成一排。
After making my rounds of the living room, it was time to kneel beside the banister and blindly jab a butter knife in the direction of my preferred electrical socket.
在客厅转了一圈后，是时候跪在栏杆旁边，用黄油刀盲目地朝我喜欢的电源插座的方向戳戳。
There were bulbs to lick and bathroom faucets to test before finally I was free to enter my bedroom, where I would carefully align the objects on my dresser, lick the corners of my metal desk, and lie on my bed, rocking back and forth and thinking of what an odd woman she was, my third grade teacher, Ms. Chestnut.
灯泡要舔，浴室水龙头要测试，最后我才能自由地进入卧室，在那里我会小心地对齐梳妆台上的物品，舔金属桌子的角，然后躺在床上，前后摇晃，想着她是一个多么奇怪的女人，我的三年级老师切斯特纳特女士。
Why come here and lick my light switches when she never used the one she had?
当她从未使用过她的电灯开关时，为什么要来这里舔我的电灯开关呢？
Maybe she was drunk.
也许她喝醉了。
On the afternoon that Ms. Chestnut arrived for her visit, I was in my bedroom rocking.
切斯纳特女士来访的那天下午，我在卧室里摇晃着。
Unlike the obsessive counting and touching, rocking was not a mandatory duty, but a voluntary and highly pleasurable exercise.
与痴迷的数数和触摸不同，摇晃不是强制性的义务，而是一种自愿且非常愉快的运动。
It was my hobby and there was nothing else I would rather do.
这是我的爱好，没有什么我愿意做的。
The point was not to rock oneself to sleep.
重点是不要摇晃自己入睡。
This was not a step towards some greater goal, it was the goal itself.
这并不是迈向某个更大目标的一步，而是目标本身。
The perpetual movement freed my mind, allowing me to mull things over and construct elaborately detailed fantasies.
永恒的运动解放了我的思想，让我能够仔细思考事物并构建精心设计的幻想。
Toss in a radio and I was content to rock until 3 or 4 o'clock in the morning, listening to the hit parade and discovering that each and every song was about me.
扔进收音机，我满足于摇滚到凌晨三四点，听着热门歌曲，发现每一首歌都是关于我的。
I might have to listen 200 or 300 times to the same song, but sooner or later it's private message would reveal itself.
我可能需要听同一首歌 200 或 300 遍，但迟早它的私人信息会暴露出来。
I was coming to terms with "The Shadow of Your Smile" when Ms. Chestnut arrived.
当切斯纳特女士到来时，我正要接受《你微笑的影子》。
She rang the bell and I cracked open the bedroom door, watching as my mother invited her in.
她按响了门铃，我打开卧室的门，看着妈妈邀请她进来。
"You'll have to forgive me for these boxes," my mother flicked your cigarette out the door and into the littered yard.
“你得原谅我这些盒子，”我母亲把你的香烟弹到门外，扔到乱七八糟的院子里。
"They're filled with crap, every last one of them.
“它们都充满了垃圾，每一个都是垃圾。
But God forbid we throw anything away.
但上帝禁止我们扔掉任何东西。
Oh no, we can't do that.
哦不，我们不能那样做。
My husband saved it all." She mopped at her forehead with a wadded paper towel.
我丈夫拯救了这一切。”她用纸巾擦了擦额头。
"Anyway, to hell with it.
“不管怎样，见鬼去吧。
You look like I need a drink.
你看起来我需要喝一杯。
Scotch all right?" Ms. Chestnut's eyes brightened.
苏格兰威士忌好吗？”栗子女士眼睛一亮。
"I really shouldn't but, oh, why not?" She followed my mother up the stairs.
“我真的不应该，但是，哦，为什么不呢？”她跟着我妈妈上了楼梯。
"Just a drop with ice.
“只要一滴加冰就可以了。
No water."
没有水。”
I tried rocking in bed, but the sound of laughter drew me to the top of the landing, where from my vantage point behind an oversized wardrobe box, I watched the two women discuss my behavior.
我试着在床上摇晃，但笑声把我引到了楼梯平台的顶部，从一个超大衣柜后面的有利位置，我看着两个女人讨论我的行为。
"Oh, you mean the touching," my mother said.
“哦，你是说触摸，”我妈妈说。
She opened her mouth just slightly, running her tongue over her upper lip, and then she inched forward, her index finger prodding the ash tray as though it were a sleeping thing she was trying to wake.
她微微张开嘴，用舌头舔过上唇，然后慢慢向前挪动，食指戳着烟灰缸，仿佛那是她试图唤醒的熟睡之物。
I had never seen myself an action, but a sharp stinging sense of recognition told me that my mother's impersonation had been accurate.
我从来没有见过自己有什么动作，但强烈的刺痛感告诉我，我母亲的模仿是准确的。
"God only knows where he gets it from," my mother said.
“只有天知道他从哪里得到它，”我母亲说。
"He's probably down in his room right this minute counting his eyelashes or gnawing at the poles on his dresser.
“他此刻可能正在自己的房间里数着自己的睫毛，或者啃着梳妆台上的杆子。
1, 2 o'clock in the morning and he'll still be at it, rattling around the house to poke the laundry hamper or press his face against the refrigerator door.
凌晨 1 点、2 点，他仍然会在房子里走来走去，戳破洗衣篮，或者把脸贴在冰箱门上。
The kid's wound too tight, but he'll come out of it.
这孩子的伤口太紧了，但他会痊愈的。
So what do you say, another scotch, Catherine?"
那么你觉得怎么样，再来一杯苏格兰威士忌，凯瑟琳？”
Now she was Catherine.
现在她是凯瑟琳。
Another few drinks and she'd probably be joining us on our summer vacation.
再喝几杯，她可能就会和我们一起度过暑假了。
How easy it was for adults to bond over a second round of cocktails.
对于成年人来说，在第二轮鸡尾酒中建立联系是多么容易。
I returned to my bed, cranking up the radio so as not to be disturbed by the sound of their cackling.
我回到床上，打开收音机，以免被他们的咯咯声打扰。
Following Ms. Chestnut's visit, my father attempted to cure me with a series of threats.
切斯纳特女士来访后，我父亲试图用一系列威胁来治愈我。
"You touch your nose to that windshield one more time and I'll guarantee you wish you hadn't," he said, driving home from the grocery store with a lot full of rejected, out of state coupons.
“如果你再用鼻子碰一下挡风玻璃，我保证你会希望自己没有这么做，”他一边说，一边从杂货店开车回家，手里拿着一大堆被拒绝的外州优惠券。
It was virtually impossible for me to ride in the passenger seat of a car and not press my nose against the windshield.
对我来说，坐在汽车的乘客座位上几乎不可能不把鼻子贴在挡风玻璃上。
And now that the activity had been forbidden, I wanted it more than anything.
既然这项活动已被禁止，我最想要的就是它。
I tried closing my eyes, hoping that might eliminate my desire, but found myself thinking that perhaps he was the one who should close his eyes.
我试着闭上眼睛，希望这样可以消除我的欲望，但发现自己在想，也许他才是应该闭上眼睛的人。
So what if I wanted to touch my nose to the windshield?
如果我想用鼻子碰挡风玻璃怎么办？
Who was it hurting?
伤害了谁？
Why was it that he could repeatedly worry his change and bite his lower lip without the threat of punishment?
为什么他可以一再担心自己的变化，咬着下唇而不用受到惩罚的威胁？
My mother smoked and Ms. Chestnut massaged her waist 20, 30 times a day.
我妈妈抽烟，栗子女士每天给她按摩腰部20、30次。
And here, I couldn't press my nose against the windshield of a car?
在这里，我不能把鼻子贴在汽车的挡风玻璃上？
I opened my eyes, defiant.
我睁开眼睛，一脸挑衅。
But when he caught me moving towards my target, my father slammed on the brakes.
但当他发现我正朝着目标前进时，我父亲猛踩了刹车。
"You like that, did you?" He handed me a golf towel to wipe the blood from my nose.
“你喜欢这样，是吗？”他递给我一条高尔夫球巾，帮我擦掉鼻子上的血。
"Did you like the feel of that?"
“你喜欢这样的感觉吗？”
Like was too feeble a word for what I felt.
对于我的感受来说，“喜欢”这个词太微弱了。
I loved it.
我喜欢它。
If mashed with the right amount of force, a blow to the nose can be positively narcotic.
如果用适当的力量捣碎，打鼻子就能起到积极的麻醉作用。
Touching objects satisfied a mental edge, but the task involved a great deal of movement.
触摸物体可以满足精神上的需求，但这项任务涉及大量的运动。
Run upstairs, cross the room, remove a shoe.
跑上楼，穿过房间，脱掉一只鞋子。
I soon found these same urges could be fulfilled within the confines of my own body.
我很快发现这些同样的渴望可以在我自己的身体范围内得到满足。
Punching myself in the nose was a good place to start.
打自己鼻子是一个很好的开始。
But the practice was dropped when I began rolling my eyes deep into their sockets, an exercise that provided quickly jolts of dull, intoxicating pain.
但当我开始将眼睛深深地转入眼窝时，这种练习就被放弃了，这种练习很快就会带来隐隐的、令人陶醉的疼痛。
"I know exactly what you're talking about," my mother said to Ms. Shatts, my visiting fourth grade teacher.
“我完全知道你在说什么，”我的母亲对我的四年级来访老师沙茨女士说。
"The eyes rolling every which way.
“眼睛向四面八方转动。
It's like talking to a slot machine.
这就像与老虎机交谈一样。
Hopefully one day it'll pay off, but until then what do you say we have ourselves another glass of wine?"
希望有一天它会得到回报，但在那之前你觉得我们又可以喝一杯酒怎么样？”
I took to violently shaking my head, startled by the feel of my brain slamming against the confines of my skull.
我开始猛烈地摇头，被我的大脑撞击头骨界限的感觉吓了一跳。
It felt so good and took so little time, just a few quick jerks and I was satisfied for up to 45 seconds at a time.
感觉非常好，而且花费的时间很短，只需几次快速的猛拉，一次最多 45 秒我就感到满意。
"Have a seat and let me get you something cool to drink." My mother would leave my fifth, and then my sixth grade teacher standing in the breakfast nook while she stepped into the kitchen to crack open a tray of ice.
“先坐吧，我给你倒点冷饮。”我母亲会把我五年级和六年级的老师留在早餐角，而她则走进厨房打开一盘冰块。
"I'm guessing you're here about the head shaking, am I right?" she'd shout.
“我猜你来这里是为了摇头，对吗？”她会大喊。
"That's my boy, all right.
“那是我的孩子，好吧。
No flies on him."
他身上没有苍蝇。”
This was part of my mother's act.
这是我母亲行为的一部分。
She played the ringleader, blowing the whistle and charming the crowd with her jokes and exaggerated stories.
她扮演头目，吹哨子，用笑话和夸张的故事吸引观众。
"It's a stretch, but I'm betting you're here about the tiny voices," she said, offering a glass of sherry to my visiting seventh grade teacher.
“这有点牵强，但我敢打赌你来这里是为了那些微小的声音，”她说，给我来访的七年级老师递了一杯雪利酒。
"I'm thinking of either taken him to an exorcist or buying him a doll, so he can bring some money as a ventriloquist."
“我正在考虑要么带他去看驱魔师，要么给他买一个布娃娃，这样他当口技师就能赚点钱。”
It had come out of nowhere, my desperate urge to summon high-pitched noises from the back of my throat.
它不知从何而来，我绝望地渴望从喉咙深处发出高亢的声音。
These were not words, but sounds that satisfied an urge I'd never before realized.
这些不是言语，而是声音，满足了我以前从未意识到的冲动。
The sounds were delivered not in my voice, but in that of a thimble-sized, temperamental diva clinging to the base of my uvula.
这些声音不是用我的声音发出的，而是用一个顶针大小、喜怒无常的女主角的声音发出的，她紧贴着我的小舌根部。
[MAKING NOISES] I was host to these wailing, but lacked the ability to control them.
[发出声音]我是这些哭声的主人，但缺乏控制它们的能力。
When I cried out in class, the teachers would turn from the blackboards with increasingly troubled expressions.
当我在课堂上哭的时候，老师们就会从黑板前转过身来，表情越来越困扰。
"Is somebody rubbing a balloon?
“有人在擦气球吗？
Who's making that noise?"
谁发出这样的声音？”
I'd like to think that some of my nervous habits faded during high school, but my class pictures tell a different story.
我想我的一些紧张习惯在高中时就消失了，但我的班级照片却讲述了一个不同的故事。
"Draw in the missing eyeballs and this one might not be so bad," my mother would say.
“把缺失的眼球画出来，这个可能不会那么糟糕，”我母亲会说。
In group shots I was easily identified as the blur in the back row.
在集体照中，我很容易被认出是后排的模糊人物。
For a time I thought that if I accompanied my habits with an outlandish wardrobe, I might be viewed as eccentric rather than just plain retarded.
有一段时间我想，如果我用一套古怪的服装来配合我的习惯，我可能会被视为古怪而不仅仅是弱智。
I was wrong.
我错了。
Only a confirmed idiot would wander the halls of my high school dressed in a floor length caftan.
只有真正的白痴才会穿着长及及地的长袍在我高中的大厅里徘徊。
And as for the countless medallions that hung around my neck, I might as well have worn a cow bell.
至于脖子上挂着的无数奖章，我还不如戴一个牛铃呢。
They clanged and jangled with every jerk of my head, calling attention when without them I might have passed unnoticed.
我的头每一晃动，它们就会发出叮当作响的声音，引起人们的注意，如果没有它们，我可能会被忽视。
My oversize glasses did nothing but provide a clearer view of my rolling, twitching eyes, and the chunky platform shoes left lumps when used to discreetly tap my forehead.
我的超大眼镜除了让我能更清楚地看到我转动、抽搐的眼睛外，什么也没做，而厚底厚底鞋在用来小心地敲击我的额头时留下了肿块。
I was a mess.
我当时一团糟。
"College is the best thing that can ever happen to you," my father used to say.
“上大学是你一生中最美好的事情，”我父亲常说。
And he was right.
他是对的。
For it was there that I discovered drugs, drinking, and smoking.
因为正是在那里我发现了毒品、酗酒和吸烟。
I'm unsure of the scientific aspects, but for some reason my nervous habits faded at around the same time I took up with cigarettes.
我不确定其中的科学依据，但出于某种原因，我的紧张习惯大约在我开始吸烟的同时消失了。
Maybe it was coincidental, or perhaps the tics retreated in the face of an adversary that, despite its health risks, is much more socially acceptable than crying out in tiny voices.
也许这是巧合，或者也许抽搐在面对对手时退却了，尽管对手有健康风险，但比小声哭泣更容易被社会接受。
It's as if I'd been born to smoke.
就好像我生来就是为了抽烟一样。
And until I realized that my limbs were left to search for some alternative, everything's fine as long as I know there's a cigarette in my immediate future.
直到我意识到我的四肢只能寻找替代品，只要我知道在不久的将来我还有一支香烟，一切都很好。
The people who ask me not to smoke in their cars have no idea what they're in for.
那些要求我不要在车内吸烟的人根本不知道他们这样做是为了什么。
David Sedaris' story, "Plague of Tics" is in his book, Naked.
大卫·塞达里斯 (David Sedaris) 的故事“抽搐瘟疫”收录在他的著作《赤裸裸》中。
[MUSIC-"PSYCHO" BY ELVIS COSTELLO]
[音乐-埃尔维斯·科斯特洛的《Psycho》]
Act Four, You Don't Have to Be Crazy to Work Here, But It Helps.
第四幕，你不必疯狂地在这里工作，但这很有帮助。
When he was in his 20, Joel Lovell had a job in a mental hospital helping care for patients.
20 岁时，乔尔·洛弗尔 (Joel Lovell) 在一家精神病院找到了一份工作，帮助照顾病人。
Usually he worked days, nights he says, were different.
他说，通常他白天和晚上的工作都是不同的。
We often made fun of the night staff.
我们经常取笑夜班工作人员。
Said that they were as crazy as the patients.
说他们和病人一样疯狂。
There was Joe, the monosyllabic bodybuilder, and John, the pathological liar, and Shawn, who arrived each night for his shift raw-throated and near tears from his own afternoon session of scream therapy.
其中有乔，一个单音节的健美运动员，还有约翰，一个病态的骗子，还有肖恩，他每天晚上都因下午的尖叫治疗而喉咙痛、几乎流泪。
Between midnight and seven we'd say, it wasn't at all clear who should be carrying the keys.
我们会说，在午夜到七点之间，根本不清楚谁应该拿着钥匙。
The suggestion, of course, was that during the day it was clear.
当然，建议是白天天气晴朗。
And that those of us who carried the keys, the shrinks from Harvard, the nurses in charge of the floor, even the lowly mental health workers like myself, were all models of sanity in the midst of so much chaos.
我们这些拿着钥匙的人，哈佛的心理医生，负责楼层的护士，甚至像我这样地位较低的心理健康工作者，都是在如此混乱的情况下保持理智的典范。
We had keys to everything.
我们有一切的钥匙。
There was a key to the front door and a key to the nurse's station.
有一把前门钥匙和一把护士站钥匙。
There were keys to the therapy offices and to the linen closet and to the staff bathroom across from the quite rooms, two windowless, white isolation areas to which we also had keys.
有治疗办公室、亚麻壁橱和安静房间对面的员工浴室的钥匙，还有两个没有窗户的白色隔离区域，我们也有钥匙。
And of course, there was the restraint key, a thin pointed silver thing, more like a tiny pocketknife than a key that slipped into the buckle of the straps we used to secure a patient's limbs to the corners of a metal bed.
当然，还有约束钥匙，一种细长的银色尖头东西，更像是一把小折刀，而不是一把钥匙，可以滑入我们用来将病人的四肢固定在金属床角的带子的带扣中。
If a patient wanted to use the toaster, we had the key.
如果病人想使用烤面包机，我们有钥匙。
If they wanted to use their own nail clippers, they were kept in a cabinet and we had the key.
如果他们想使用自己的指甲刀，它们会被放在柜子里，我们有钥匙。
During the day, we moved through the hall like a team of custodians, rousting patients out of bed, urging them to shower and dress and brush their teeth.
白天，我们像一队看门人一样穿过大厅，把病人从床上叫起来，催促他们洗澡、穿衣和刷牙。
To attend, in hospital parlance, to their activities of daily living.
用医院的话说，参与他们的日常生活活动。
We ushered them into large group meetings and small group meetings.
我们带领他们参加大型小组会议和小组会议。
Meetings in which we discussed the dynamics on the hall, meetings in which we explained the effects of medication, meetings in which patients were often told news they didn't want to hear.
我们在会议中讨论大厅里的动态，在会议中我们解释药物的效果，在会议中患者经常被告知他们不想听到的消息。
That they would have to endure another round of electro shock therapy.
他们将不得不忍受另一轮电击疗法。
That they were not well enough to attend their daughter's birthday party.
他们的身体状况不佳，无法参加女儿的生日聚会。
That for yet another week, they would not be allowed to do almost anything unsupervised.
接下来的一周，他们几乎不被允许在无人监督的情况下做任何事情。
It was a place where much more often than not, short-term hopes were dashed, ineffably sad outcomes were commonplace.
在这个地方，短期希望常常破灭，难以形容的悲伤结果司空见惯。
And anger over illnesses that no one knew precisely how to treat could erupt spontaneously.
对没有人确切知道如何治疗的疾病的愤怒可能会自发爆发。
We were constantly gauging the mood of the hall in the way that I imagine desperate farmers gauge the mood of the skies and reacting accordingly.
我们不断地衡量大厅的情绪，就像我想象绝望的农民衡量天空的情绪并做出相应的反应一样。
There has to be more of a staff presence on the hall someone would say.
有人会说，大厅里必须有更多的工作人员。
Meaning that there was a palpable tension on the unit, a sense of danger in the air.
这意味着单位里有一种明显的紧张气氛，空气中弥漫着危险的感觉。
And that rather than spending time back in the nurse's station blowing off steam and catching up on notes, we had to make our presence known out on the floor.
我们不能再花时间回到护士站发泄情绪并记笔记，而是必须让大家知道我们的存在。
Occasionally, for extra money, I'd work nights.
有时，为了额外的钱，我会上夜班。
Everything about the place seemed different at night.
到了晚上，这个地方的一切都显得不同了。
It's a sentimental notion, I know.
我知道，这是一个感性的想法。
But I could never quite shake the sense when driving through the front gate for a night shift of entering a parallel universe, a place where all the day's demons were laid to rest.
但当我开车穿过前门去上夜班时，我永远无法完全摆脱这种感觉，进入一个平行宇宙，一个白天所有恶魔都安息的地方。
Where medicines worked.
药物起作用的地方。
Where minds were calmed.
心灵平静的地方。
Where the safe haven we tried so hard to create during the day was actually made real.
我们白天努力创建的避风港实际上成为了现实。
I'd drive slowly along the winding road to our unit and look out at the moon on the snow, at the lights on here and there in the red brick buildings across the hospital grounds.
我会沿着蜿蜒的道路慢慢地开到我们的单位，看着雪地上的月亮，看着医院场地上红砖建筑里到处亮着的灯光。
And I'd think that, for all the terrors a place like this connotes, it couldn't possibly look more welcoming, less coldly clinical than it did in the middle of the night.
我想，尽管像这样的地方充满了恐怖，但它看起来不可能比在半夜更受欢迎、更不那么冷酷临床了。
Night, of course, can have this effect anywhere.
当然，夜晚在任何地方都可以产生这种效果。
Exhaustion finally wins out over struggle.
疲惫终于战胜了挣扎。
But the sense of calm that settled in at the hospital always surprised me.
但医院里那种平静的感觉总是让我感到惊讶。
The job at night, such as it was, consisted mostly of just staying awake.
晚上的工作基本上就是保持清醒。
If you were the staff member on checks, you were responsible for knowing where each patient was.
如果您是检查人员，您有责任了解每个患者的位置。
You sat in the foyer with a flashlight and every 30 minutes made a tour from one end of the unit to the other, poking your head into each darkened room and shining a quick bloom of light on the patients asleep in their beds.
你坐在门厅里，拿着手电筒，每隔 30 分钟从病房的一端到另一端巡视一遍，把头探进每个黑暗的房间，快速向睡在床上的病人身上照射一束光。
It was a simple, remarkable thing to see, people in so much pain sleeping peacefully.
这是一件简单而非凡的事情，人们在如此痛苦的情况下安然入睡。
There was Barbara, the reverend's wife, who previously had snuck in a utility razor and cut a five inch gash into the sole of her foot.
牧师的妻子芭芭拉（Barbara）曾偷偷地用一把实用剃须刀在脚底上割了一道五英寸的伤口。
And there was Tim, the former track star, who had gained so much weight from taking anti-psychotic meds that he'd spend hours each day with this high school yearbook in his lap, open to a page that had a photo of some graceful, muscled kid who looked vaguely like him.
还有蒂姆，这位前田径明星，由于服用抗精神病药物而体重增加了很多，以至于他每天都会花几个小时把这本高中年鉴放在腿上，打开一页，上面有一个优雅、肌肉发达的孩子的照片，这个孩子看起来有点像他。
There was Ann, and Mike, and there was Carol, who's sister came every Thursday afternoon.
有安、迈克，还有卡罗尔，她的妹妹每周四下午都会来。
Whenever she visited, I'd watch them in the foyer.
每当她来访时，我都会在门厅里看着他们。
Carol's sister talking and Carol staring out from behind her thick glasses, smoking cigarette after cigarette.
卡罗尔的姐姐在说话，卡罗尔从厚厚的眼镜后面凝视着外面，一根接一根地抽烟。
Her face, her hair, like a smudged version of the attractive woman sitting next to her.
她的脸，她的头发，就像坐在她旁边的迷人女人的污迹版本。
My own brother, the person I loved most in the world, was a patient in a psych hospital in Saratoga, New York.
我自己的兄弟，我在世界上最爱的人，是纽约萨拉托加一家精神病医院的病人。
It seems obvious now, though I couldn't quite articulate it to myself at the time, that I worked where I did not because, as I told myself, it would help me on my applications to medical school.
现在看来很明显，尽管我当时无法向自己清楚地表达出来，我在我不曾工作过的地方工作，因为正如我告诉自己的那样，这将有助于我申请医学院。
But because it allowed me to be both closer to my brother and more distanced from him.
但因为它让我既与我的兄弟更亲近，又与他更疏远。
To understand in some vaguely intimate way what he was suffering and to reassure myself that I was, in fact, safe from his madness.
以某种隐约亲密的方式理解他所承受的痛苦，并让自己放心，我实际上是安全的，不会受到他的疯狂的影响。
That I was so sane I carried the keys.
我很清醒，所以我带着钥匙。
Whenever I visited him, I couldn't stop myself from imagining us like Carol and her sister, his Goofus to my Gallant.
每当我拜访他时，我都会情不自禁地想象我们就像卡罗尔和她的妹妹一样，他的傻瓜对我的勇敢。
And the thought both comforted me and filled me with shame.
这个想法既让我感到安慰，又让我感到羞愧。
After I checked on the last patient, I'd go back to the foyer and bide my time.
检查完最后一个病人后，我会回到门厅等待时机。
I'd sit and drink coffee and watch the clock, waiting for the next half hour to tick by.
我会坐下来喝咖啡，看着时钟，等待接下来的半个小时过去。
Or I'd find a deck of cards on one of the shelves and play solitaire.
或者我会在一个架子上找到一副纸牌并玩纸牌。
Or sometimes I'd try writing letters to my brother that I never sent.
或者有时我会尝试给我的兄弟写信，但我从未寄出。
Opening them with some bad joke about how at that moment, both of us were in a hospital, but he was probably deep into sleep and I was the one up scribbling nonsense.
以一些糟糕的笑话开头，说当时我们俩都在医院，但他可能已经熟睡了，而我就是那个乱写乱画的人。
Sometimes late in the night, it could feel like I, too, was starting to unravel.
有时在深夜，我也会感觉自己开始崩溃。
I'd go into the nurses station and pull charts and read my notes from the day shifts.
我会去护士站拉图表并阅读白班的笔记。
I'd focus on their authoritative tone.
我会关注他们的权威语气。
Patient oriented to time, place, self.
患者以时间、地点、自我为导向。
But continues to ruminate about radio messages being sent through her braces.
但仍在思考通过她的牙套发送的无线电信息。
Patient remains highly paranoid, fears government is poisoning him through hospital food.
患者仍然高度偏执，担心政府通过医院食物毒害他。
At the end of most of my night shifts, my notes were all the same.
在我大部分夜班结束时，我的笔记都是一样的。
Patient slept.
病人睡了。
Patient slept.
病人睡了。
Patient slept.
病人睡了。
On the last night shift I worked I fell asleep while on checks-- the one mistake a night worker was never supposed to make.
在我工作的最后一个夜班中，我在检查时睡着了——这是夜班工人不应该犯的一个错误。
I was probably out for 45 minutes, long enough theoretically for something terrible to happen.
我可能缺席了 45 分钟，理论上来说，这段时间足以发生可怕的事情。
I woke to Carol standing in front of me in her night gown, a cigarette in hand.
我醒来时发现卡罗尔穿着睡衣站在我面前，手里拿着一支香烟。
"I need a light," she said.
“我需要一盏灯，”她说。
And then she sat down next to me near the foyer and made fun of me for falling asleep.
然后她在门厅附近坐在我旁边，取笑我睡着了。
"Go lie down," she said.
“去躺下吧，”她说。
"Ive got everything under control here."
“这里的一切都在我的掌控之中。”
She wasn't wearing her glasses and her hair was pulled back.
她没有戴眼镜，头发向后梳着。
Her disheveledness seemed normal in the middle of the night, the way any of us look when we shuffle in half sleep from our beds to the kitchen or bathroom.
她的凌乱在半夜里似乎很正常，就像我们任何人在半睡半醒中从床上拖着脚走到厨房或浴室时的样子。
I'd been having a dream in which a party was going on in a hospital, though not the one where I worked.
我一直梦见一家医院正在举办一场聚会，尽管不是我工作的医院。
Patients were coming out of their rooms in ball gowns and tuxes and my brother was there, looking happy and handsome.
病人穿着舞会礼服和燕尾服从房间里出来，我哥哥也在场，看上去快乐而英俊。
Now the pleasantness of the dream was fading and Carol must've been able to see it on my face.
现在，梦中的愉悦正在消退，卡罗尔一定能从我的脸上看到这一点。
She asked me what was wrong and because it was 5:00 AM and because I was exhausted and nauseous and not my appropriate daytime self, I told that I'd been dreaming of my brother and that he was in a hospital sick.
她问我怎么了，因为现在是凌晨 5:00，而且我又累又恶心，不像白天的样子，我告诉我我一直梦见我哥哥，他生病住院了。
"In the body or the head?" she asked.
“在身体里还是在脑袋里？”她问道。
"The head," I said.
“头，”我说。
She nodded knowingly, took a tremendous drag on her cigarette, and blew a cloud of smoke out over the two of us.
她会意地点点头，猛吸了一口香烟，然后在我们两个人头顶上吐出一团烟雾。
"He'll be all right," she said, in what seemed to me to be the sanest tone I'd ever heard her speak.
“他会没事的，”她说，在我看来，这是我听过她说话时最理智的语气。
"We'll all be all right."
“我们都会没事的。”
Carol finished her cigarette went back to bed.
卡罗尔抽完烟回到床上。
I did some jumping jacks in the foyer in order to stay awake.
为了保持清醒，我在门厅做了一些开合跳。
Eventually the sky began to lighten.
最终，天空开始变亮。
The day staff came in with snow melting on their shoes.
当天工作人员进来时，鞋子上的雪都融化了。
They crowded into the nurse's station for the change of shift report.
他们涌进护士站换班报告。
I stood there for a while watching the quick nods, the efficient division of responsibility.
我在那里站了一会儿，看着大家快速点头，高效地分工。
I considered saying something about Carol, about how lucid she'd seemed to me just a couple of hours ago.
我考虑说一些关于卡罗尔的事，关于她几个小时前在我看来是多么清醒。
It wasn't so extraordinary, I knew.
我知道，这并没有那么特别。
But still, I wanted the conversation on record.
但我仍然希望把这次谈话记录下来。
On the way out I stopped to see Carol.
出去的路上我停下来看卡罗尔。
She was awake and eating breakfast, and I wanted to thank her for our conversation.
她醒了，正在吃早餐，我想感谢她的谈话。
"I appreciate what you said earlier, Carol."
“我很欣赏你之前说的话，卡罗尔。”
She didn't look up.
她没有抬头。
She was preparing for cereal and muttering to herself, something about the children's book, Johnny Tremain , that she'd been reading over and over for the past several weeks.
她正在准备麦片粥，心里嘀咕着一些关于儿童读物《约翰尼·特里梅因》的事情，她在过去的几周里一直在读这本书。
I thanked her again and again she didn't look up.
我再三感谢她，她却没有抬头。
When I left the room, she was pouring sugar in huge spoonfuls over her Apple Jacks.
当我离开房间时，她正在用一大勺糖倒在她的苹果杰克上。
Well, our program was produced today by Alix Spiegel and myself with Peter Clowney and Nancy Updike.
嗯，我们今天的节目是由阿利克斯·斯皮格尔和我、彼得·克劳尼和南希·厄普代克共同制作的。
Additional production and editing by Susan Burton.
苏珊·伯顿 (Susan Burton) 进行额外制作和编辑。
[ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS] Musical help from Peter Margasak, John Connors and Sarah Vowell.
[致谢] Peter Margasak、John Connors 和 Sarah Vowell 的音乐帮助。
To buy a cassette of this or any of our programs, call us here at WBEZ Chicago 312-832-3380.
要购买本节目或我们任何节目的磁带，请致电 WBEZ Chicago 312-832-3380。
Or you can listen to most of our programs for free on the internet at our website www.thislife.org.
或者，您也可以在我们的网站 www.thislife.org 上免费收听我们的大部分节目。
Thanks to Elizabeth Meister who runs the site.
感谢运营该网站的伊丽莎白·梅斯特 (Elizabeth Meister)。
This American Life is distributed by Public Radio International.
《美国生活》由国际公共广播电台发行。
[FUNDING CREDITS] WBEZ management oversight by Torey Malatia, who has this advice for all our listeners--
[资金来源] WBEZ 管理监督由 Torey Malatia 负责，他向我们所有的听众提出了这样的建议——
If mashed with the right amount of force, a blow to the nose can be positively narcotic.
如果用适当的力量捣碎，打鼻子就能起到积极的麻醉作用。
I'm Ira Glass, back next week with more stories of this American life.
我是艾拉·格拉斯，下周回来，带来更多关于美国生活的故事。
Like was too feeble a word for what I felt.
对于我的感受来说，“喜欢”这个词太微弱了。
I loved it.
我喜欢它。
This American Life is produced in collaboration with WBEZ Chicago and delivered to stations by PRX The Public Radio Exchange.
《This American Life》与 WBEZ Chicago 合作制作，并由 PRX 公共广播电台传送到各电台。