50: Shoulda Been Dead - This American Life
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00:00 00:00 Transcript Share This American Life Life Partners How to Listen Episodes Recommended About Overview Staff Announcements Fellowships Jobs Music Make Radio On The Road FAQ Submissions Merch Contact Us Our Other Shows Merch Follow Us Life Partners Subscribe to our newsletter Full episode Toggle Audio and Transcript Sync Transcript | Episode #50 | May 18, 2001 50: Shoulda Been Dead Note: This American Life is produced for the ear and designed to be heard.
00:00 00:00 文字记录 分享此 美国生活 生活伙伴 如何收听 剧集 推荐 关于 概述 员工公告 奖学金 工作 音乐 在路上制作电台 常见问题解答 提交 商品 联系我们 我们的其他节目 商品 关注我们 生活伙伴 订阅我们的时事通讯 整集 切换音频和文字记录同步 文字记录 | 内容第 50 集 | 2001 年 5 月 18 日 50：Shoulda Been Dead 注：《This American Life》是为耳朵而制作的，旨在让人们听到。
If you are able, we strongly encourage you to listen to the audio, which includes emotion and emphasis that's not on the page.
如果可以的话，我们强烈建议您收听音频，其中包括页面上没有的情感和重点。
Transcripts are generated using a combination of speech recognition software and human transcribers, and may contain errors.
文字记录是使用语音识别软件和人工转录员结合生成的，可能包含错误。
Please check the corresponding audio before quoting in print.
请在印刷版引用前检查相应的音频。
Prologue Girl From PRI, Public Radio International.
序言 来自国际公共广播电台 PRI 的女孩。
Radio International.
国际广播电台。
Boy 2 --Radio International.
男孩2——国际广播电台。
One more time.
再一次。
Ira Glass The day Sandra should have been dead started like a normal day.
艾拉·格拉斯 桑德拉本该像平常一样开始这一天。
She was cutting school with the girls in her gang.
她和帮派里的女孩们一起逃学。
We were standing there, and a group of girls passed us, and they looked at us, and we looked at them.
我们站在那里，一群女孩从我们身边经过，她们看着我们，我们也看着她们。
And of course, automatically our mouths flew open without thinking.
当然，我们不假思索地张开了嘴。
What are you looking at?
你在看什么？
Oh, you got something?
哦，你有东西吗？
What do you be about?
你到底想干什么？
And started asking them what their affiliation is, and other stuff.
并开始询问他们的隶属关系以及其他问题。
And we started talking [BLEEP] to them and other stuff.
我们开始和他们谈论[BLEEP]以及其他事情。
And they pulled out a gun, and they said OK, you want to talk [BLEEP] now?
他们掏出一把枪，然后说，好吧，你现在想[BLEEP]说话吗？
Let's talk [BLEEP].
让我们谈谈[哔]。
And I panicked.
我惊慌失措。
I mean, nobody had ever pulled a gun on me.
我的意思是，从来没有人拿枪指着我。
I was like, holy [BLEEP], and I just started kind of running around, and I was like, oh my god, they're going to kill us.
我当时想，天哪，我就开始到处乱跑，我当时想，天啊，他们要杀了我们。
They're actually going to kill us.
他们实际上会杀了我们。
It had finally sunk in that somebody was going to kill us, that that would be it, the end of my life.
我终于明白，有人会杀了我们，那就是我生命的终结。
At like 14, somebody was going to kill me.
14岁左右，有人要杀了我。
And it kind of flashed in my mind that here comes my mother finding me on the street corner with a bullet through my head and blood gushing everywhere, and oh my god.
我的脑海里突然闪过，我的母亲来了，发现我在街角，一颗子弹穿过我的头，血流得到处都是，天哪。
So everybody just kind of spread out, and I ran, and I lost my shoes, and my jacket, my purse.
所以每个人都分散开来，我跑了，然后我丢了鞋子、夹克和钱包。
I lost everything.
我失去了一切。
I was just like throwing things off me to make me lighter so I could run faster.
我就像把东西从身上扔掉，让自己变得更轻，这样我就可以跑得更快。
And finally I jumped into a dumpster, and I stood there.
最后我跳进了一个垃圾箱，站在那里。
And I must have stood there a good hour, hour and a half.
我一定在那里站了整整一个小时、一个半小时。
And I just stood there and prayed and shaked, and tried to not make noise.
我只是站在那里祈祷，颤抖着，努力不发出声音。
And I heard them run past me, and run past me, and screaming "bitch" and looking for people.
我听到他们从我身边跑过，又跑过我，一边尖叫着“婊子”，一边寻找人。
And I was there, and I was praying to God that they didn't open the dumpster and find me, because if they would have, I think I would have been dead.
我在那里，我向上帝祈祷，希望他们不要打开垃圾箱找到我，因为如果他们打开了，我想我就死了。
In movies and books, when somebody nearly dies it changes them.
在电影和书籍中，当某人濒临死亡时，他们就会发生改变。
You know?
你知道？
They mend their ways.
他们改正自己的方式。
They treat people better.
他们待人更好。
But in real life, it can go either way.
但在现实生活中，两种情况都可能发生。
Sandra waited and finally walked home alone, smelling like garbage, unrepentant.
桑德拉等待着，最后独自一人走回家，浑身散发着垃圾的味道，毫无悔意。
And my mother asked me, where's your shoes and your purse and your jacket and everything?
我妈妈问我，你的鞋子、你的钱包、你的夹克和所有东西在哪里？
And I told her that these girls were going to beat us up.
我告诉她这些女孩会殴打我们。
I lied and I said that they started talking to us.
我撒了谎，说他们开始和我们说话。
They were gang-bangers.
他们是黑帮分子。
I told her like that, that they were gang-bangers, and they were looking for trouble.
我就这样告诉她，他们是黑帮，是来找麻烦的。
Knowing full well--
充分了解——
Yeah, knowing full well.
是的，非常了解。
Sandra Knowing full well that I was the one that started it, and that I was gang-banging.
桑德拉（Sandra）很清楚我是这件事的始作俑者，而且我正在群殴。
But even after that you didn't quit the gang.
但即使在那之后你也没有退出帮派。
No. Why?
不，为什么？
A lot of different answers why.
原因有很多不同的答案。
We didn't get hurt.
我们没有受伤。
We got to go back and tell our story.
我们必须回去讲述我们的故事。
And none of us said that we hid.
我们谁也没有说过我们躲起来了。
You know, none of us said we hid.
你知道，我们谁都没有说过我们藏起来了。
What did you say?
你说什么？
Sandra We said that we outran them.
桑德拉 我们说过我们跑赢了他们。
As if that's more heroic.
好像这样更有英雄气概。
Sandra It's better than saying I hid in the garbage can.
桑德拉：这比说我藏在垃圾桶里要好。
That's cowardly.
这是懦弱的表现。
But outrunning them is still just as fleeing.
但超越他们仍然和逃跑一样。
But they had a gun.
但他们有枪。
It's fleeing, but it's honorable fleeing.
这是逃跑，但却是光荣的逃跑。
Well, from WBEZ Chicago it's This American Life.
嗯，来自芝加哥 WBEZ 的节目是《This American Life》。
I'm Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯。
Today on our program, stories of people who thought they were about to die, and how it affected them or didn't affect them.
今天在我们的节目中，讲述了那些认为自己即将死去的人的故事，以及这对他们有何影响或没有影响。
Act One, the day after Kevin slept on the spot Jesus was crucified.
第一幕，凯文睡在耶稣被钉十字架的地方的第二天。
Act Two, the day Lawrence left the AIDS clinic for the big road trip.
第二幕，劳伦斯离开艾滋病诊所开始公路旅行的那天。
Act Three, the day Claudia asked her brother some questions.
第三幕，那天克劳迪娅问她哥哥一些问题。
Act Four, the day Cheryl got the news.
第四幕，谢丽尔得知消息的那天。
Act Five, the day Matthew saw Brigid.
第五幕，马修见到布里吉德的那天。
Stay with us.
留在我们身边。
Act One.
第一幕。
So what if you knew?
如果你知道了又怎样？
What if you really knew the date and time of your own death?
如果您真的知道自己死亡的日期和时间怎么办？
Well, Kevin Kelly spent most of his twenties wandering around Asia.
凯文·凯利二十多岁的大部分时间都在亚洲闲逛。
He was a freelance photographer.
他是一名自由摄影师。
And he found himself photographing a lot of religious ceremonies.
他发现自己拍摄了很多宗教仪式。
He found himself drawn to religious ceremonies.
他发现自己被宗教仪式所吸引。
He was confused about what he believed.
他对自己的信仰感到困惑。
I would get twisted and caught up, and these things were sort of in the background consuming me.
我会变得扭曲和陷入困境，这些事情在某种程度上消耗着我。
Actually I found that I could think about little else for many, many months, that behind all that I was doing there was always this unresolved question of was God real?
事实上，我发现在很多很多个月里，我几乎无法思考其他事情，在我所做的一切背后，总是有一个未解决的问题：上帝是真实的吗？
If he was real, then how could we ignore him?
如果他是真实的，那么我们怎么能忽视他呢？
And if we were trying to not ignore him, what do we do?
如果我们不想忽视他，我们该怎么办？
And if he was real, then what about these other things that people said about God?
如果他是真实的，那么人们对上帝的其他评价又如何呢？
But all that changed.
但一切都变了。
When he was 27, he came into Jerusalem.
当他27岁的时候，他来到了耶路撒冷。
It was the weekend of both Easter and Passover, and the city was flooded with tourists.
那是复活节和逾越节的周末，这座城市挤满了游客。
So I entered Jerusalem on Easter with the simple expectation that I was going to photograph yet another religious ceremony, another religious festival.
因此，我在复活节进入耶路撒冷，只是抱着一个简单的期望：我要拍摄另一个宗教仪式，另一个宗教节日。
And then for various reasons I got locked out of my hostel room.
然后由于各种原因我被锁在宿舍房间外面。
They had a curfew, and I didn't make it back in time.
他们实行宵禁，我没能及时回来。
And I was in quite a fix because I was a stranger in this very strange town.
我陷入了困境，因为我是这个陌生小镇的陌生人。
When it happened, I didn't have enough money to stay elsewhere, nor did I even have knowledge of where to go.
当事情发生时，我没有足够的钱留在其他地方，我什至不知道该去哪里。
So I wandered the old town of Jerusalem at night, which had been shuttered up and was like a time machine.
于是我晚上在耶路撒冷老城闲逛，那里已经关门了，就像一台时光机器。
It was if I had been transported back into the 15th century, because all the souvenir vendors were gone, and what was left were the labyrinthine paths of cobbled passageways.
我仿佛回到了15世纪，因为所有的纪念品摊贩都消失了，只剩下鹅卵石铺就的迷宫般的小路。
And I wandered around for a number of hours, and it was getting colder.
我在周围闲逛了好几个小时，天气越来越冷了。
Eventually I found myself at the one place that was still open, which was some of the churches.
最终我发现自己来到了一个仍然开放的地方，那就是一些教堂。
And particularly I finally settled into the Church of the Holy Sepulchre, which is called and viewed as the church built over the mound where Jesus Christ was crucified.
特别是我最终定居在圣墓教堂，它被称为并被视为建在耶稣基督被钉十字架的土丘上的教堂。
And I was getting very tired, and there weren't many people around.
我已经很累了，周围也没有多少人。
And so eventually I laid myself out on about the only flat area that was left, which was this marble slab underneath some pendants that had incense on them.
所以最终我把自己放在了唯一剩下的平坦区域上，那就是大理石板，下面是一些挂着香的吊坠。
And this was presumably the slab that commemorated the exact position of the crosses.
这大概就是纪念十字架确切位置的石板。
So I slept there.
所以我就睡在那里。
I slept on the crucifixion spot that night because it was the only place.
那天晚上我睡在受难地点，因为那是唯一的地方。
There was no place in the inn.
客栈里已经没有地方了。
I slept there until early morning, when the activities started to increase, and people started coming in.
我在那里睡到凌晨，活动开始增多，人们开始进来。
And I went out and followed the crowd where it was going when they were going out to the tombs area in Jerusalem.
当他们前往耶路撒冷的坟墓区时，我就出去跟随人群。
And I went out, and there were some folding chairs set up in front of this tomb area.
我出去了，发现这个墓区前面摆着一些折叠椅。
And as the sun was coming up on that Easter morning, I was staring at empty tombs.
复活节早晨，当太阳升起时，我凝视着空荡荡的坟墓。
And for a reason that I cannot comprehend, as I sat on that chair contemplating this view of the early sun morning coming into the empty tombs, all that I had been wrestling with for the past many, many years in thinking about religion sort of became resolved in my mind.
出于一个我无法理解的原因，当我坐在那张椅子上，沉思着清晨的太阳照进空坟墓的景象时，我多年来一直在思考宗教问题时所苦苦思索的一切都在我的脑海中得到了解决。
And at that very moment, I believed that Jesus Christ has indeed risen from those tombs.
就在那一刻，我相信耶稣基督确实从那些坟墓中复活了。
In an instant the tension of trying to figure things out was resolved, because now suddenly everything was figured out.
刹那间，试图弄清楚事情的紧张感得到了解决，因为现在突然一切都弄清楚了。
It was as if you had been working on a problem for a long time, and suddenly the answer was there, and it was very clear that was the answer.
就好像你已经研究了一个问题很长时间，突然答案就出现了，而且很明显那就是答案。
And although there were many things that were still not clear to you, you were very certain that you were on the right path.
尽管还有很多事情你还不清楚，但你非常确定自己走在正确的道路上。
Having that realization that I believe that Jesus Christ had actually risen from those tombs did not settle 1,001 other things about what one was supposed to do with that, what I was supposed to do with that.
意识到我相信耶稣基督实际上已经从那些坟墓中复活了，并没有解决其他 1,001 件事，即人们应该如何处理它，我应该如何处理它。
Did that mean I was supposed to be a monk?
这是否意味着我应该成为一名和尚？
Did that mean I was supposed to be an evangelist?
这是否意味着我应该成为一名传道者？
Did that mean that I had to immediately renounce all that I had and get into sackcloth and ashes and march out into the desert?
这是否意味着我必须立即放弃我所拥有的一切，披上麻衣，裹上灰烬，向沙漠进发？
All of that was left unopened, and that is in fact what occupied my mind as I went back to my hostel to lay down and think about, because I had no clue what it really meant to me ultimately.
所有这些都没有被打开，事实上，当我回到宿舍躺下来思考时，这就是我的心思，因为我不知道它最终对我意味着什么。
And that's what I was pondering when I sort of was laying there napping.
这就是我躺在那里小睡时所思考的问题。
And I wouldn't say it's a voice, but there was an idea that came into my mind that just would not go away.
我不会说这是一个声音，但有一个想法出现在我的脑海中，并且不会消失。
And that was that I should live as if I would die in six months, that I should really truly live.
那就是我应该像六个月后就会死去一样生活，我应该真正地生活。
And that I could not tell for certain whether I would really die, but that either way I should live as if I was going to die.
我无法确定我是否真的会死，但无论如何我都应该像快要死一样生活。
And so that was the assignment.
这就是任务。
I'm a pretty rational person.
我是一个相当理性的人。
I'm pretty logical.
我是很有逻辑的。
And after thinking the thought that I should live as if I was going to die in six months, the first thought that comes to my head was, well that's pretty silly.
当我想到我应该像六个月后就会死去一样生活时，我脑海中出现的第一个想法是，这太愚蠢了。
You have no evidence whatsoever.
你没有任何证据。
I could live like I'm going to die in six months and not die at all.
我可以像六个月后就要死一样生活，但根本不会死。
It would just be kind of an interesting exercise.
这将是一个有趣的练习。
But at the same time, it was equally probable that I might die in six months.
但与此同时，我同样有可能在六个月内死亡。
It happened all the time.
这种事一直都在发生。
There was no guarantee that I wouldn't die.
无法保证我不会死。
And so fairly quickly I decided that I could not settle that issue of whether I would really die or not, or just think that I was going to die in six months.
很快我就决定我无法解决我是否真的会死的问题，或者只是认为我会在六个月内死去。
And that in either case, the important thing was to live as if I really believed that I was going to die in six months.
无论哪种情况，重要的是要生活得好像我真的相信我将在六个月内死去。
Which is what I set out to do.
这就是我打算做的。
The next couple days had a kind of joyous experience of saying, OK, what do I do for six months if I have only six months to live?
接下来的几天有一种快乐的经历，我说，好吧，如果我只剩下六个月的生命，那么这六个月我该怎么办？
And the answers to that surprised me as much as the assignment.
这个问题的答案和作业一样令我惊讶。
Because after thinking that through and contemplating it, the conclusion that I came to was that what I wanted to do for six months was to go home and be ordinary, to go back to my parents, to help them take out the trash and trim the hedges and move furniture around, and to be with them.
因为经过深思熟虑，我得出的结论是，这六个月我想做的就是回家，做一个普通人，回到我的父母身边，帮他们倒垃圾，修剪树篱，搬动家具，和他们在一起。
And I was really shocked by that, because I thought that with six months to live I would climb Mount Everest, or I would go scuba diving to the depths of the ocean, or get in a speedboat and see how fast I could go.
我对此感到非常震惊，因为我以为我还有六个月的生命，我会攀登珠穆朗玛峰，或者我会去水肺潜水到海洋深处，或者乘坐快艇，看看我能走多快。
But instead I wanted to go back home and be with my family for that time.
但相反，我想回家和家人在一起。
I, of course, did not tell anybody my crazy idea.
当然，我没有告诉任何人我的疯狂想法。
This is, in fact, the first time I'm really talking about it publicly, because it was a very scary and sort of alarming idea, and I never told anybody why I was coming home.
事实上，这是我第一次真正公开谈论它，因为这是一个非常可怕和令人震惊的想法，而且我从未告诉过任何人我为什么要回家。
I got back to where my parents live in New Jersey, and things were unbelievably ordinary.
我回到了我父母在新泽西州居住的地方，一切都异常平常。
And yet I found myself relishing the ordinariness and finding it in some ways as exotic as anything that I had traveled to see.
然而我发现自己很享受这种平凡，并发现它在某些方面与我旅行所见的任何事物一样具有异国情调。
And so I was involved in-- I helped around the house.
所以我参与了——我在家里帮忙。
I dug up shrubs.
我挖了灌木。
I worked on a deck.
我在甲板上工作。
I moved furniture, washed dishes, and I was intending to kind of spend my last remaining six months at home getting to know my parents better, and myself hopefully.
我搬了家具，洗了碗，我打算在家里度过最后的六个月，更好地了解我的父母，也希望更好地了解我自己。
But about three months into that, my travel urges I guess got the better of me.
但大约三个月后，我想我的旅行欲望战胜了我。
And what I was most concerned about is I wanted to see my brothers and sisters.
我最关心的是我想见见我的兄弟姐妹。
I had four brothers and sisters, and they were scattered all across the country.
我有四个兄弟姐妹，他们分散在全国各地。
And so I felt very strongly that I wanted to see them before I died.
所以我强烈地感觉到我想在死前见到他们。
And I got the idea that the way to see them was to ride my bicycle across the country and visit them on bicycle.
我的想法是，看他们的方式就是骑着自行车穿越整个国家，骑着自行车去拜访他们。
But before I did that, I made up a will to dispose of the little things that I had.
但在此之前，我立下决心要处理掉我所拥有的小东西。
And I had some money left over, and one of the things that I did with that money was I went to the bank and got some cashier's checks for like $500 and $1,000.
我还剩下一些钱，我用这些钱做的一件事就是去银行买了一些 500 美元和 1,000 美元的银行本票。
And I mailed the money to various people anonymously as gifts.
我把钱作为礼物匿名邮寄给不同的人。
And I think giving away those thousands of dollars was the first true act of charity I had ever done, because there was absolutely no way for any kind of gratitude or elevated feelings to come back to me, because people had no idea who had sent them that money.
我认为捐出这数千美元是我做过的第一个真正的慈善行为，因为我绝对没有办法表达任何感激之情或崇高的感情，因为人们不知道是谁给他们寄了这笔钱。
It was really remarkable to see the consequences of getting an anonymous gift like that, because when you get a check for $1,000 in the mail, you immediately become suspicious of all your friends of having given it to you.
看到收到这样一份匿名礼物的后果真是太了不起了，因为当你收到一张邮寄来的 1,000 美元支票时，你会立即怀疑你所有的朋友是否把它送给了你。
And so there's this sort of like the suspicion of charity, suspicion of goodness, that starts to infect the people that are around you.
因此，这种对慈善的怀疑、对善良的怀疑开始感染你周围的人。
And you look at someone, you think, hmm, I wonder if he gave me that $1,000?
你看着某人，你会想，嗯，我想知道他是否给了我那 1,000 美元？
I had enough money left over to basically pay for food and whatnot on my bicycle journey across America.
我剩下的钱基本上可以支付我骑自行车穿越美国的食物和其他费用。
And the path that I had to visit all my brothers and sisters was not a direct route of going from San Francisco to New York.
而我拜访所有兄弟姐妹的路径并不是从旧金山到纽约的直达路线。
I actually had to go up to Idaho and back down to Texas, and then back up through Indiana.
事实上，我必须先去爱达荷州，然后返回德克萨斯州，然后再通过印第安纳州返回。
So it was a 5,000 mile trip.
这是一次 5,000 英里的旅行。
The day, which coincidentally was exactly six months from when I had this assignment, was October 31, was Halloween.
巧合的是，这一天是 10 月 31 日，是万圣节，距离我接到这项任务正好是六个月。
And so the plan would be that I would ride back home so that I would come back to die on the day after Halloween.
所以计划是我会骑车回家，这样我就可以在万圣节后的第二天回来死去。
I think there are a lot of people who have trouble staying in the present.
我认为有很多人很难活在当下。
There are some people who like to slip into the past as a means to perhaps fantasize or escape, and they find that the past is the place that they retreat to.
有些人喜欢滑入过去，以此作为幻想或逃避的手段，他们发现过去是他们退却的地方。
And I often retreat to the future.
我经常退回到未来。
I was not a person who planned or had a career staged out, or who had a particular woman he wanted to marry someday, or some vision of a house.
我不是一个有计划或已经展开职业生涯的人，也不是一个有朝一日想娶某个特定女人的人，也不是一个对房子有某种愿景的人。
The future that I found so hard to give up was a much more insidious type.
我发现很难放弃的未来是一种更加阴险的未来。
It was that of-- I like to buy this record because in the future I want to hear the song again and again.
我喜欢买这张唱片，因为将来我想一次又一次地听到这首歌。
Or I will read this book, and there's some cool ideas in it because someday I may write an article about this, and it's kind of good to know that.
或者我会读这本书，里面有一些很酷的想法，因为有一天我可能会写一篇关于这方面的文章，知道这一点是件好事。
There was a sense in which my entire life was shifted to the future, and the thought of sort of doing something now for the enjoyment or the pleasures or the principle of the function of just right now, without any sense at all that it would ever be used again or that it could ever be brought forward, was extremely difficult and disconcerting.
有一种感觉，我的整个生活都转移到了未来，一想到现在做某事是为了享受、快乐或当下的功能原则，而完全没有任何感觉它会被再次使用或它可以被提出来，是极其困难和令人不安的。
And I fought it day by day, and tooth by tooth.
我日复一日、日复一日地与它斗争。
One of the ways I dealt with this was that I was actually able by the last weeks to not think about my life beyond Halloween.
我处理这个问题的方法之一是，到最后几周，我实际上已经能够不去思考万圣节之后的生活了。
There was a way in which I had just-- each time a thought came up about something that was beyond this horizon, I just said, nope, can't think about, it doesn't work.
有一种方式，每当我想到一些超出这个范围的事情时，我就说，不，不能思考，这是行不通的。
We have to dwell in the present.
我们必须活在当下。
And at the same time I was doing that-- and I was able to do that-- I also decided that it was entirely unnatural and inhumane way to live, and that having a future is part of what being human is about, and that when you take away the future for humans, you take away a lot of their humanness.
与此同时，我正在这样做——而且我能够做到这一点——我也认为这是完全不自然和不人道的生活方式，拥有未来是人类的一部分，当你剥夺人类的未来时，你就剥夺了他们的很多人性。
And that it's not actually a very good thing to live entirely in the present, that one needs to have a past, and one needs to have a future to be fully human.
完全活在当下实际上并不是一件好事，一个人需要有过去，一个人需要有一个未来才能成为一个完整的人。
So he bicycled across the country, and as he did he found himself increasingly obsessed with death, with dying.
于是他骑着自行车穿越了整个国家，当他这样做的时候，他发现自己越来越沉迷于死亡，沉迷于死亡。
He was making drawings and writing haikus along the way, and as he went across the country, they became more and more dark, more and more preoccupied with death.
他一路上画画、写俳句，当他走遍全国时，它们变得越来越黑暗，越来越关注死亡。
And as he traveled across the country, the other thing is that he always had to find a place to stay every night.
当他走遍全国时，另一件事是他每天晚上总是必须找到一个住宿的地方。
And at first he just tried what he had done in Jerusalem.
起初他只是尝试了他在耶路撒冷所做的事情。
That is, he would just find a church, and he would camp out on the church lawn.
也就是说，他只要找一个教堂，就在教堂的草坪上露营。
But people got upset at that.
但人们对此感到不安。
And so what he decided to do instead is that at each town that he would come into, he would find some quiet residential street.
所以他决定做的是，在他进入的每个城镇，他都会找到一些安静的住宅街道。
And he'd go up to a house, and he'd say hi, this is who I am.
他会走到一栋房子前，打招呼，这就是我。
I'm bicycling across the country.
我骑自行车穿越全国。
I've just eaten dinner, he would say so they wouldn't feel obligated to feed him.
我刚吃过晚饭，他会说，这样他们就没有义务喂他了。
Can I camp out in back?
我可以在后面露营吗？
And invariably they would say yes, and invariably they would also at some point invite him in for coffee.
他们总是会答应，并且总是会在某个时候邀请他进来喝咖啡。
So I would spend my evenings with entirely ordinary people, and my job at that point was to tell them my story.
所以我晚上会和完全普通的人一起度过，那时我的工作就是告诉他们我的故事。
It was to tell them how great a time I was having, because if I wasn't having a great time they were really disappointed, because I was riding for them.
这是为了告诉他们我度过了多么愉快的时光，因为如果我没有度过愉快的时光，他们真的会很失望，因为我是在为他们骑行。
I was vicariously doing what they had always wanted their lives to do, and so the more I enjoyed my time, and the more in the present I was living, the more they enjoyed it, and the more it uplifted them.
我正在代替他们做他们一直希望自己的生活做的事情，所以我越享受我的时间，我越活在当下，他们就越享受它，它就越让他们振奋。
And so that was basically my job.
这基本上就是我的工作。
It was a journey that began at the tomb of Jesus, and as I set off to my own presumed death, I did indeed think about Jesus Christ.
这是一段从耶稣坟墓开始的旅程，当我走向自己的假定死亡时，我确实想到了耶稣基督。
We have the history in the Gospels of Jesus' torment in his soul as he approached what he knew of his anointed time to die.
我们在福音书中看到了耶稣在临近他所知道的受膏死亡时刻时灵魂所受折磨的历史。
So it was again that very harsh information of knowing when you're going to die.
所以这又是一个非常残酷的信息，告诉你什么时候会死。
And Jesus' soul was in great turmoil and pain because of knowing that.
耶稣的灵魂因知道这一点而感到极大的动荡和痛苦。
And I think I did experience some of that, not because I had the same weight.
我想我确实经历过一些这样的事情，并不是因为我有同样的体重。
That was just my own life.
那只是我自己的生活。
But Jesus prayed that this burden be lifted, and there were days when I did pray that, that if I didn't have to die, I really would rather not.
但耶稣祈求解除这个负担，有几天我确实祈祷，如果我不必死，我真的宁愿不死。
By late fall I was pedaling through the Appalachians, and it was getting colder and colder, and my hands were freezing on the bicycles, and there was ice on my tents in the morning when I got up.
深秋时节，我骑着自行车穿越阿巴拉契亚山脉，天气越来越冷，骑在自行车上的手都冻僵了，早上起床时帐篷上也结了冰。
And as each day went on, I was coming closer and closer to terrain that I was familiar with and that felt like home.
随着时间一天天过去，我越来越接近我熟悉的、感觉像家一样的地方。
And I was riding into New Jersey, and I was elated.
我骑车去新泽西，我很高兴。
I was elated that I had accomplished this long journey, and I was elated that I was home to see my parents.
我很高兴我完成了这段漫长的旅程，我很高兴我回家见到了我的父母。
And I came into their house on Halloween day, and I was so filled with ideas and things and emotions that I didn't really say very much.
万圣节那天我走进他们的房子，我充满了想法、事物和情感，所以我并没有说太多。
And again, I couldn't say very much.
再说一遍，我不能说太多。
I think we had a wonderful dinner.
我想我们吃了一顿丰盛的晚餐。
They were, of course, glad to see me, because they hadn't seen me in a long time.
他们当然很高兴见到我，因为他们已经很长时间没有见到我了。
They knew I was coming back, and we had a wonderful dinner.
他们知道我要回来，我们吃了一顿丰盛的晚餐。
We had baskets of candy which I gave out to the kids.
我们有一篮子糖果，我把它们送给了孩子们。
And we had a discussion that night which was about nothing in particular.
那天晚上我们进行了一次讨论，没有什么特别的内容。
It was not about the future.
这与未来无关。
It was just about I think talking about our family, and my brothers and sisters, and I was telling them all that I had learned about them.
我只是想谈论我们的家庭、我的兄弟姐妹，我告诉他们我所了解到的关于他们的一切。
And so it was a very together and, again, not a very dramatic evening, but just a pleasant one, the kind of one that you might have a memory about as you were dying.
所以，这是一个非常团结的夜晚，再说一遍，这不是一个非常戏剧性的夜晚，而是一个令人愉快的夜晚，那种你在临终时可能会记得的夜晚。
It was not a special evening, but just an ordinary evening.
这不是一个特别的夜晚，只是一个普通的夜晚。
And I went to bed that night, which was a very difficult thing to do, because I was fully prepared at that point never to wake up again.
那天晚上我就上床睡觉了，这是一件非常困难的事情，因为那时我已经做好了再也不会醒来的准备。
I had been praying.
我一直在祈祷。
I had gotten everything arranged.
我已经把一切都安排好了。
And at that point I'd fully gone through in my own mind, my own soul, all the things that I might have regretted, and I had righted as many of those as I thought I could through letters.
那时，我已经在自己的思想、灵魂中彻底经历了所有我可能后悔的事情，并且我已经通过信件尽可能地纠正了其中的错误。
And I was prepared as much as anybody could be prepared to die.
我和任何人一样做好了死亡的准备。
So I went to bed while the kids were still ringing the doorbells.
所以当孩子们还在按门铃时我就上床睡觉了。
And I went to sleep, because I was very tired after that long trip.
然后我就去睡觉了，因为经过长途旅行我很累。
And I didn't know what was going to happen the next day.
而且我不知道第二天会发生什么。
I thought that I had done all that I could.
我以为我已经做了我能做的一切。
And the next morning I woke up.
第二天早上我醒了。
And the next morning I woke up, and it was if-- the next morning I woke up, and it was if I had my entire life again.
第二天早上我醒来，就好像——第二天早上我醒来，就好像我又拥有了我的整个生活。
The next morning I woke up, and I had my entire life again.
第二天早上我醒来，我又过上了我的生活。
I had my future again.
我又拥有了自己的未来。
There was nothing special about the day.
这一天没有什么特别的。
It was another ordinary day.
这又是平凡的一天。
I was reborn into ordinariness, but what more could one ask for?
重生到平凡，还能奢求什么呢？
Nearly two decades after that happened, Kevin Kelly is now the executive editor of a magazine about the future, Wired magazine.
在那件事发生近二十年后，凯文·凯利现在是一本关于未来的杂志《连线》杂志的执行编辑。
Coming up, more people who nearly died and what they made of it, in a minute when our program continues.
当我们的节目继续进行时，稍后会介绍更多差点死去的人以及他们的遭遇。
It's This American Life.
这就是美国生活。
I'm Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯。
Each week on our program, of course, we choose a theme, invite a variety of writers and performers and documentary producers to tackle that theme.
当然，我们每周的节目都会选择一个主题，邀请各种作家、表演者和纪录片制片人来解决这个主题。
Today's program, Should Have Been Dead, stories of people who thought they were going to die and what they learned or did not learn from the experience.
今天的节目《本该死》讲述了那些认为自己即将死去的人的故事，以及他们从这次经历中学到了什么或没有学到什么。
We're at Act Two of our program, Maybe Six Months.
我们正处于计划的第二幕，可能是六个月。
Well, Lawrence Steger is a filmmaker and a performance artist here in Chicago, and I told him about Kevin Kelly's story.
劳伦斯·斯蒂格是芝加哥的一名电影制片人和表演艺术家，我向他讲述了凯文·凯利的故事。
And it turned out that, like Kevin Kelly, at the moment that Lawrence thought he'd glimpsed the possible end of his life, Lawrence also set out on a big trip.
事实证明，和凯文·凯利一样，在劳伦斯以为自己已经看到生命可能终结的那一刻，劳伦斯也踏上了一次伟大的旅行。
Title-- Road.
标题——路。
Treatment-- it's shot entirely on video, mostly handheld, shaky, out of focus, bad color, overblown color actually.
处理——它完全是用视频拍摄的，大部分是手持的，摇晃，失焦，色彩不好，实际上色彩过分夸张。
Can I get this microphone adjusted a little so I don't have to lean over so much?
我可以稍微调整一下麦克风，这样我就不用弯得太厉害吗？
Yeah, sure.
是的，当然。
Lawrence Steger Check, one, two, three.
劳伦斯·斯蒂格·检查，一，二，三。
Synopsis-- the story concerns Luke-- gay, white, Midwestern, late twenties-- follows Luke on the day that he is informed of his HIV-positive status.
剧情简介——故事讲述的是卢克——同性恋、白人、中西部人、二十多岁——讲述了卢克被告知自己艾滋病毒呈阳性的那一天。
Luke cops a stance of cold, brittle, not unlike the Harrison Ford narration on Blade Runner, but there's a hint of vulnerability to Luke.
卢克的态度冷酷、脆弱，与《银翼杀手》中哈里森·福特的旁白没什么不同，但卢克有一丝脆弱。
Have we got the Harrison Ford or the Rutger Hauer voice?
我们有哈里森·福特或鲁特格尔·豪尔的声音吗？
Enhance 57 19.
增强 57 19.
Track 45 left.
轨道 45 左。
Lawrence Steger Great, take it under me.
劳伦斯·斯蒂格 太好了，交给我吧。
That's great.
那太棒了。
Story follows Luke.
故事发生在卢克身上。
He's accompanied by his college buddy Bill, and both are packed for a road trip across the country to San Francisco.
他由大学好友比尔陪同，两人都收拾好行李，准备穿越全国前往旧金山。
Locations-- car interior, gas station exterior, HIV clinic parking lot, HIV clinic interior, highway.
地点——汽车内部、加油站外部、艾滋病毒诊所停车场、艾滋病毒诊所内部、高速公路。
The music is Strauss' "Four Last Songs," particularly "Ruhe, meine Seele" sung by Dame Janet Baker.
音乐是施特劳斯的《最后四首歌》，特别是珍妮特·贝克夫人演唱的《Ruhe, meine Seele》。
Follows Luke and his friend Bill to the gas station and to the clinic.
跟随卢克和他的朋友比尔去了加油站和诊所。
OK, take it out.
好的，拿出来。
Take out the Janet Baker.
把珍妮特·贝克拿出来。
Bill loads one-hits of pot while driving on the way to the gas station into the clinic.
比尔在开车去加油站和诊所的路上一次性加了大麻。
Can we nix that Strauss music?
我们可以禁止施特劳斯音乐吗？
It's kind of too mournful.
这实在是太悲惨了一点。
There's really no music on the soundtrack.
原声带上确实没有音乐。
It's stark, crisp, maybe some songs coming from the radio at the clinic's desk.
声音质朴、清脆，可能是诊所办公桌上收音机里传来的一些歌曲。
Great.
伟大的。
And definitely from the car radio, mixed with surfing on an AM radio.
绝对是来自汽车收音机，与调幅收音机冲浪混合在一起。
No music.
没有音乐。
The drama is constantly being undermined through the cool, collective quality of Luke's demeanor.
卢克冷静、集体的举止不断地削弱了戏剧性。
He seems detached.
他看起来很冷漠。
Quote, "I'm not sure how I feel.
引用：“我不确定我的感受。
I feel a little sad, sort of mad.
我感到有点难过，有点生气。
I guess blank, but I'm OK." End quote.
我猜是一片空白，但我还好。”结束报价。
Luke thinks he's sounding like a short story assignment in a creative writing class, or worse, trapped inside an artsy novel.
卢克认为他听起来像是创意写作课上的短篇小说作业，或者更糟糕的是，被困在一本艺术小说中。
Luke imagines himself in a television dramatization of himself.
卢克想象自己出现在自己的电视剧中。
Camera pulls back from behind Luke's head, sort of on a mini-crane.
摄影机从卢克的头后面拉回来，有点像在微型起重机上。
Camera floats, hovers over the back of Luke's head.
摄像机漂浮在卢克的后脑勺上方。
The ceiling of the car must be incredibly high, he thinks to himself.
汽车的天花板一定高得令人难以置信，他心里想。
Bill pulls into the closest parking spot in the clinic, blows out the last of the one-hit, and as he's knocking the brass pipe into the ashtray, turns to Luke with that slightly watery look in his eyes from too much intake.
比尔把车停进诊所最近的停车位，吹灭了最后一枪，当他把铜管敲进烟灰缸时，他转向卢克，眼睛里带着因摄入过多而略显水汪汪的表情。
Luke takes it as one of those Care Bear looks that he's experienced before from Bill.
卢克认为这是他以前从比尔那里经历过的护理熊造型之一。
There's a moment of anger flashing in Luke when he registers Bill's look.
当卢克注意到比尔的表情时，他的心中闪过一丝愤怒。
When Bill asks him, "What are you thinking about?" Luke responds, "Who's thinking?
当比尔问他：“你在想什么？”卢克回答道：“谁在想？
Nothing." I hate thinking I'm in a novel, he thinks to himself.
没什么。”我讨厌认为自己是在小说里，他心想。
Cut to interior of the clinic, the reception area.
切入诊所内部，接待区。
Can we change this sound bed here?
我们可以在这里更换这个音床吗？
Great.
伟大的。
Take it down just it's a little-- great.
把它拿下来只是一点点——太棒了。
The nurse assigned to Luke's anonymous number is a black drag queen named Stephanie who wears a full nurse's outfit complete with a little paper hat that sits atop of her freshly coiffed hairdo.
分配给卢克匿名号码的护士是一位名叫斯蒂芬妮的黑人变装皇后，她穿着全套护士服，新整理的发型上戴着一顶小纸帽子。
She's the only one in the clinic who wears a real uniform.
她是诊所里唯一穿着真正制服的人。
Stephanie has the longest fingernails that Luke has ever seen on anyone.
斯蒂芬妮拥有卢克见过的最长的指甲。
Luke thinks briefly about how the fingernails keep on growing even after a person dies, but he pushes that thought away with his fingers to his forehead, wonders why he's thinking about that.
卢克短暂地思考了人死后指甲如何继续生长的问题，但他用手指抵住额头将这个想法推开，不知道自己为什么会想到这个。
It's that novel thing again.
这又是新奇的事了。
Stephanie, the drag queen nurse, walks Luke back to the small cubicles that the tests are administered in, and then used to relay the results.
变装皇后护士斯蒂芬妮带着卢克回到进行测试的小隔间，然后用来传达结果。
Luke's narrator imagines how many people have been in these cubicles and what they would look like if they were all piled on top of one another, piles of tested bodies.
卢克的叙述者想象了这些隔间里有多少人，以及如果他们都堆在一起，一堆堆经过测试的尸体，他们会是什么样子。
Cut to Stephanie closing the hollow core door.
切到斯蒂芬妮正在关闭空心门。
It makes that hollow core door sound.
它让那扇空心门发出声音。
Do you have that on a cart?
你的购物车上有这个吗？
[DOOR CLOSES] Perfect.
[门关闭] 完美。
Maybe a shot from a security camera that shows all of the cubicles in the clinic.
也许是安全摄像头拍摄的一张显示诊所所有隔间的照片。
Luke imagines himself in a George Tooker painting that was reproduced in his sixth grade reader.
卢克想象自己在一幅乔治·图克的画作中，这幅画在他六年级的读物中被复制。
He wonders what his sixth grade teacher would think of Stephanie.
他想知道他的六年级老师会怎么看待斯蒂芬妮。
He wonders if his sixth grade teacher was ever tested.
他想知道他的六年级老师是否接受过测试。
He imagines her body in the pileup of bodies who have come to the clinic.
他想象着她的尸体在来到诊所的一堆尸体中。
Stephanie's been saying something, and Luke has to blink his eyes again to refocus.
斯蒂芬妮一直在说些什么，卢克不得不再次眨眼睛来重新集中注意力。
He explains to Stephanie that he's been expecting this result, that he's experienced a large share of AIDS cared for and likewise buried lots of his friends, but it doesn't seem to come as a surprise.
他向斯蒂芬妮解释说，他一直在期待这个结果，他经历过大部分艾滋病的治疗，也埋葬了他的很多朋友，但这似乎并不令人意外。
Stephanie says, "You can cry or hold my hand.
斯蒂芬妮说：“你可以哭，也可以握住我的手。
I just want you to sit for a moment and let it sink in." Luke thinks, whatever.
我只是想让你坐一会儿，让自己明白。”卢克想，无论如何。
Cut to Bill in waiting room, flipping through People's "The Year in Pictures." Cut back to close-up of Luke, forehead wrinkled.
镜头切换到候诊室里的比尔，正在翻阅《人物》杂志的《年度图片》。切回到卢克的特写镜头，额头皱了起来。
He thinks his narrator wants him to get out of the cubicle.
他认为他的叙述者希望他离开小隔间。
He waits for Stephanie to finish her spiel, thanks her, and shakes her hand, getting a slight scrape from one of the fingernails.
他等待斯蒂芬妮说完她的长篇大论，向她致谢，然后握了握她的手，手指甲上有轻微的擦伤。
Close-up on Luke's hand, new scratch.
卢克手上的特写，新的划痕。
The walls seem to pulsate as Luke walks down the hallway to the reception area.
当卢克沿着走廊走向接待区时，墙壁似乎在颤动。
He tries to be as blank as possible to Bill.
他尽量对比尔保持空白。
I'm not sure about this final section.
我不确定最后一部分。
I know that we talked about it ending on the highway with the car being surrounded by bikers on their way to the Sturgis bikers rally, but now I like the idea of it ending on the highway entrance ramp.
我知道我们讨论过它在高速公路上结束，汽车在前往斯特吉斯自行车手集会的路上被骑自行车的人包围，但现在我喜欢它在高速公路入口坡道上结束的想法。
OK.
好的。
Cut to interior of car pulling out of parking lot.
切到从停车场驶出的汽车内部。
Luke keeps looking straight ahead as he murmurs, "I'm positive." Long slow pan from the back of Luke's head to the back of Bill's.
路克目视前方，低声说道：“我确定。”从卢克的后脑勺到比尔的后脑勺，缓慢地进行长距离平移。
There's no reaction in either of their faces, or better, the profiles of their faces.
他们的脸上都没有任何反应，或者更好的是，他们的脸部轮廓都没有反应。
This is the longest shot.
这是最长的镜头。
They don't look at each other.
他们不看对方。
Perhaps this scene would be shot in blue screen with the camera in the backseat, and the sky surrounding the two heads of Bill and Luke having that old scratchy 16 millimeter time lapse exposure so the clouds seem to be moving at a rapid pace.
也许这个场景会用蓝屏拍摄，相机放在后座，比尔和卢克两个头周围的天空采用老式的 16 毫米延时曝光，所以云彩似乎在快速移动。
Flickers, flips back and forth between real sky and blue screen backdrop.
在真实的天空和蓝色屏幕背景之间闪烁、来回翻转。
Voice comes up on a car radio, try not to think of the future.
汽车收音机里传来声音，尽量不要去想未来。
Just live in the present moment, something like that.
就活在当下，类似这样的事情。
You got that?
你明白了吗？
It comes on to the radio.
它出现在收音机中。
I also decided that it was entirely unnatural and inhumane way to live, and that having a future is part of what being human is about.
我还认为这是完全不自然和不人道的生活方式，拥有未来是人类的一部分。
And that when you take away the future for humans, you take away a lot of their humanness.
当你剥夺人类的未来时，你就剥夺了他们的很多人性。
And that it's not actually a very good thing to live entirely in the present, that one needs to have a past.
完全活在当下实际上并不是一件好事，一个人需要拥有过去。
Luke comments to Bill, "Live entirely in the present, huh?" Bill drives and looks out the corner of his right eye to see what position Luke is holding his head in.
卢克对比尔说：“完全活在当下，是吧？”比尔开车，用右眼的余光看卢克把头放在什么位置。
Luke looks outside passenger window, and every once in a while turns to glance at Bill.
卢克看着乘客窗外，时不时地转头看看比尔。
Long pause.
长时间的停顿。
There's dead air.
空气死气沉沉。
Cut to Luke's point of view.
切入卢克的观点。
Car is pulling on to entrance ramp of highway.
汽车正驶入高速公路入口坡道。
Luke sees hitchhiker with a sign that he scans for any remote meaning to the narrative.
卢克看到搭便车的人举着一个牌子，表示他在寻找与叙述无关的任何遥远意义。
Luke sees himself outside of his own story.
卢克在自己的故事之外看到了自己。
He can't read the hitchhiker's sign.
他看不懂搭便车的标志。
He knows that he's on a long, silent journey.
他知道他正在踏上一段漫长而寂静的旅程。
He leans over to turn off the radio.
他倾身关掉收音机。
Cut to black.
剪成黑色。
Act Three.
第三幕。
Claudia Perez This is is a show Claudia Perez is doing on my brother Javier.
克劳迪娅·佩雷斯 (Claudia Perez) 这是克劳迪娅·佩雷斯 (Claudia Perez) 为我弟弟哈维尔 (Javier) 表演的节目。
[UNINTELLIGIBLE] Claudia Perez Shut up.
[无法理解] 克劳迪娅·佩雷斯 闭嘴。
No wonder your friends can't listen to this.
难怪你的朋友不能听这个。
[UNINTELLIGIBLE] Claudia Perez Did you ever have any thoughts like oh, I want to die?
[无法理解] Claudia Perez 你有过类似“哦，我想死”这样的想法吗？
[UNINTELLIGIBLE] Claudia Perez No, I don't got to-- have you ever imagined your death, like--
[无法理解]克劳迪娅·佩雷斯 不，我不必——你有没有想象过你的死亡，比如——
[INAUDIBLE] Claudia Perez [INAUDIBLE] In April of 1996, how did your day begin the day that you got shot?
[听不清] Claudia Perez [听不清] 1996 年 4 月，您的一天是如何开始的？
[BLEEP] [UNINTELLIGIBLE] Ira Glass That's a recording of Claudia Perez, who's 19 years old, an occasional contributor to this program, interviewing her 21-year-old brother.
[BLEEP] [无法辨认] Ira Glass 这是 19 岁的克劳迪娅·佩雷斯 (Claudia Perez) 的录音，她是该节目的临时撰稿人，采访了她 21 岁的弟弟。
And her brother had an experience where he and his family thought he might die.
她的兄弟有过一次经历，他和他的家人都认为他可能会死。
He was being a big brat.
他是个大孩子。
He's laying down on the bed, and I'm sitting on his wheelchair, and I'm interviewing him.
他躺在床上，我坐在他的轮椅上，正在采访他。
And he keeps trying to grab the microphone from me.
他一直试图从我手中夺走麦克风。
Tell me what happened, like what you see, what you thought of that moment when you got shot?
告诉我发生了什么事，比如你看到了什么，当你被枪杀的那一刻你有什么想法？
What happened?
发生了什么？
What happened?
发生了什么？
Well, I got a hole in my body, and I was bleeding.
好吧，我的身体被破了一个洞，而且还在流血。
So how did you bring him around?
那你是怎么把他带过来的？
What did you do?
你做了什么？
I had to open up the story.
我必须打开这个故事。
I had to take him back so he could remember.
我必须带他回去，这样他才能记住。
Why don't you take us back?
你为什么不带我们回去？
What exactly happened to him?
他究竟发生了什么？
Well, it was April 2 or April 6 of '96, and he had come to the house in the morning.
嗯，那是96年的4月2日或4月6日，他早上就到了家里。
And he had bought some gym shoes, and he was showing off, ha ha, look, I got some gym shoes.
他买了一些运动鞋，他在炫耀，哈哈，你看，我买了一些运动鞋。
And you're not supposed to buy gym shoes because that's not fair, because you're not buying stuff for my little brother.
你不应该买运动鞋，因为那不公平，因为你不是给我弟弟买东西。
And I was like, you're being greedy.
我当时想，你太贪婪了。
Something's going to happen to you for being greedy.
你会因为贪婪而发生一些事情。
And I remember that I felt weird that day.
我记得那天我感觉很奇怪。
You know how they say women have this kind of sense?
你知道他们怎么说女人有这种感觉吗？
I don't know, but I felt weird.
我不知道，但我感觉很奇怪。
So it was quick.
所以速度很快。
It happened quick.
事情发生得很快。
Go for the gun quick, and then turn around and take off.
快速拿起枪，然后转身起飞。
But as soon as I turned around, that's when I got shot.
但我一转身，就被枪杀了。
Then everything happened so fast.
然后一切都发生得太快了。
I seen like a white light.
我看见一道白光。
Everybody says they seen a light, but it is weird, because you see like a little light.
每个人都说他们看到了光，但这很奇怪，因为你看到的只是一点光。
Everything's like in slow motion.
一切都像慢动作一样。
I was trying to-- like oh, this is a dream.
我试图——哦，这是一个梦。
I'm going to go back to sleep.
我要回去睡觉了。
I'm going to wake up, and then I'm going to be home in bed next to my wife and kids.
我要醒来，然后我会回到家，躺在床上，旁边是我的妻子和孩子。
And this is only a bad dream.
而这只是一个噩梦。
I can shake it off.
我可以摆脱它。
One of his friends, they were going to go party at a bar, and they went towards the back of the gangway.
他的一个朋友，他们要去酒吧参加聚会，他们朝舷梯后面走去。
They were over there in the back of the gangway, and--
他们在舷梯后面，而且——
The game way is?
游戏方式是？
Claudia Perez A house.
克劳迪娅·佩雷斯 一座房子。
Of a house.
一座房子的。
OK.
好的。
Oh, the gangway.
哦，舷梯。
Claudia Perez Yeah.
克劳迪娅·佩雷斯 是的。
And they were just all talking there, and the guy stuck out the gun to my brother, and my brother tried to take it from his hand.
他们只是在那里说话，那家伙向我哥哥伸出了枪，我哥哥试图从他手里夺走它。
Wait, now this guy came out of where?
等等，这家伙是从哪里出来的？
Was he in a car?
他在车里吗？
Was he walking?
他在走路吗？
No, they were all just over there in the back of the gangway.
不，他们都在舷梯后面。
They were talking, and he tried to rob my brother.
他们正在说话，他试图抢劫我的兄弟。
And my brother tried to take the gun from him, and the guy did it.
我哥哥试图从他手中夺走枪，那家伙做到了。
While my brother was trying to run, he shot him in the stomach, which hit his spinal cord.
当我哥哥试图逃跑时，他向他的腹部开了一枪，击中了他的脊髓。
Like I said, I was thinking.
就像我说的，我在想。
I was thinking that I had to get to the front of the house, because then if I lay here and bleed, I'll probably just bleed to death.
我想我必须到房子前面去，因为如果我躺在这里流血的话，我可能就会失血过多而死。
I'll just bleed to death.
我只会流血而死。
So I figured that I would try to figure out a way to get to the front of the house.
所以我想我应该想办法到达房子前面。
So I dragged myself on my arms.
于是我用胳膊拖着自己。
I dragged myself, and then some guy was passing by.
我拖着自己的身子，然后有一个人经过。
I told him, "Hey, help me, I got shot." He didn't believe me.
我告诉他：“嘿，救救我，我中枪了。”他不相信我。
A big old commotion started happening.
一场古老的骚乱开始发生。
I caught an ambulance.
我叫了一辆救护车。
And then all of a sudden, my wife and my kid and my sister just got there.
然后突然间，我的妻子、我的孩子和我的妹妹就到了那里。
I don't know how they found out I was there.
我不知道他们是怎么发现我在那里的。
When he was in the ICU unit, he looked real bad.
当他在重症监护病房时，他看起来很糟糕。
And he was like all bloody, and blood was coming out, whatever.
他就像浑身是血一样，血正在流出来，不管怎样。
And he's dark-skinned, my brother.
我的兄弟，他皮肤黝黑。
And at the ICU he looked pale.
在重症监护室里，他看上去脸色苍白。
He had no color.
他没有颜色。
And my mom was crying, because she's like, "Oh, my son.
我妈妈哭了，因为她说：“哦，我的儿子。
He's Negrito, like he's dark-skinned.
他是黑人，就像他皮肤黝黑一样。
Where's his color at?
他的颜色在哪里？
Where's his color?" And she was crying, "Where's my son's color at?" And begging, "Oh, my son's not dark no more.
他的颜色在哪里？”她哭着说：“我儿子的颜色在哪里？”并乞求道：“噢，我的儿子不再黑了。
Got to give him his color back, because we will know that he's healthy with his color back."
必须让他恢复颜色，因为恢复颜色后我们就会知道他很健康。”
And it was three days, it was three or four days in the ICU.
在重症监护室呆了三天，三四天。
They came and told me that I'm going to be paralyzed.
他们过来告诉我，我会瘫痪。
What was your reaction to that?
你对此有何反应？
How did it make you feel?
你感觉如何？
I don't know.
我不知道。
I didn't know how to react to it, because it had never happened to me.
我不知道该如何反应，因为这从来没有发生在我身上。
I mean, how am I supposed to know my [BLEEP] reaction?
我的意思是，我怎么知道我的 [BLEEP] 反应？
He usually talks about it freely, nice.
他平时说话很自在，很好。
But I guess because it's me he won't talk about it normally, because me and him, we never talk about it.
但我想因为是我，他通常不会谈论这件事，因为我和他，我们从不谈论这件事。
I want him to tell me, because I never asked him that before.
我想让他告诉我，因为我以前从未问过他。
And I wanted him to tell me something that I always wanted to know, and I was mad, because he gave me a dumb answer.
我想让他告诉我一些我一直想知道的事情，我很生气，因为他给了我一个愚蠢的答案。
I thought, then tell me something more--
我想，然后再告诉我一些事情——
Heartfelt.
衷心的。
Claudia Perez Yeah, and he didn't tell me that.
克劳迪娅·佩雷斯：是的，他没有告诉我这一点。
He just made me feel like, oh, my god, you're never going to change, or something.
他只是让我觉得，哦，天啊，你永远不会改变，或者什么的。
What have you learned from this experience?
你从这次经历中学到了什么？
Well, I learned a lot of new words.
嗯，我学到了很多新单词。
I don't know.
我不知道。
I know a lot of things about spinal cords and stuff I never paid attention to.
我知道很多关于脊髓的事情以及我从未关注过的事情。
You know, like stuff like you really never cared about.
你知道，就像你从来不关心的事情一样。
It's the same.
是一样的。
Ira Glass Do you think your brother's changed since the accident?
艾拉·格拉斯（Ira Glass）：你认为事故发生后你哥哥有什么变化吗？
He's changed, yeah.
他变了，是的。
He doesn't drink anymore.
他不再喝酒了。
He thinks more about the future, like before he would go day by day.
他更多地考虑未来，就像以前一样，日复一日。
He doesn't drink at all?
他根本不喝酒吗？
Claudia Perez Not at all, and you could drink when you're paralyzed.
克劳迪娅·佩雷斯（Claudia Perez）：不，当你瘫痪的时候你可以喝酒。
You could.
你可以。
He says he doesn't smoke.
他说他不抽烟。
And why?
为什么？
Why not?
为什么不呢？
Claudia Perez He don't want to.
克劳迪娅·佩雷斯 他不想。
He says that he feels stupid.
他说他觉得自己很愚蠢。
He looks at-- before, he used to go out with his boys and all his friends.
他看着——以前，他经常和他的孩子们以及所有的朋友一起出去。
He's never seen how stupid they look.
他从来没见过他们看起来有多么愚蠢。
And now that he doesn't drink, he sees how stupid they are, and that there's no point to drink and get like that anymore.
现在他不喝酒了，他才知道他们有多么愚蠢，再也没有必要再喝酒了。
He says that-- one day he told me that if he ever walked again, he wouldn't take it for granted.
他说——有一天他告诉我，如果他能再次行走，他不会认为这是理所当然的。
He told me that once.
他曾经告诉过我一次。
He goes, I'll kiss the ground, or something like that.
他走了，我会亲吻地面，或者类似的东西。
He told me once.
他告诉过我一次。
And I was like, whoa, because we never talk like nice to each other.
我当时想，哇，因为我们从来没有好好地交谈过。
We're always fighting or something about something.
我们总是在吵架或为某件事而吵架。
And that one day that he told me that, I was like, oh.
有一天，他告诉我这一点，我当时想，哦。
I felt weird.
我感觉很奇怪。
When he talks nice to me, it feels weird.
当他对我说好话时，我感觉很奇怪。
Like when I was doing the interview, I couldn't look at him, because I was like, oh, you get on my nerves.
就像我接受采访时，我不能看着他，因为我想，哦，你让我心烦意乱。
It's that kind of thing, like we love each other, but we can't stand each other.
就是这样的事情，就像我们彼此相爱，但却无法忍受对方。
And when we fight, he still beats me up, even though he's in a wheelchair.
当我们吵架时，他仍然殴打我，即使他坐在轮椅上。
He still beats me up.
他还是打我。
I don't know.
我不知道。
It's strange.
很奇怪。
That hasn't changed.
这一点没有改变。
Claudia Perez People tell me, how can he beat you up still?
克劳迪娅·佩雷斯 人们告诉我，他怎么还能打你？
And I'm like, he does.
我想，他也是。
How does he beat you up?
他怎么打你？
Well, answer that.
好吧，回答一下。
How can he pull that off?
他怎样才能做到这一点呢？
I don't know.
我不知道。
He does.
他做到了。
I don't know.
我不知道。
He's just real-- it's weird.
他是真实的——这很奇怪。
It's like I learned after my brother's death experience, almost near, I wrote a poem to him.
就像我在哥哥去世后才知道的经历，差不多快到的时候，我写了一首诗给他。
And I have it at home, but it's like I named it sick brother.
我家里也有它，但就像我给它起名叫生病的兄弟一样。
And I said-- I don't remember exactly what I said in it, but I was writing letters to him when he was in the ICU unit, because I didn't want to go in there.
我说——我不太记得我在信中说了什么，但当他在重症监护病房时我给他写了信，因为我不想进去。
I didn't want to go in there.
我不想进去那里。
And I told him when he was like laying there, and I told him I loved him.
当他躺在那里时我告诉他，我告诉他我爱他。
And I never told him that, but I had to tell him that.
我从来没有告诉过他，但我必须告诉他。
And I was like, man, in case something happens, I want him to know that even though he gets on my nerves, I do love my brother.
我当时想，伙计，万一发生什么事情，我想让他知道，尽管他让我心烦意乱，但我确实爱我的兄弟。
And when you said this to him in the hospital, he was awake, and he could--
当你在医院里对他说这句话时，他已经醒了，他可以——
No, I wrote it to him.
不，我写给他的。
Ira Glass You wrote it to him, and he saw it and he read it?
艾拉·格拉斯（Ira Glass）是你写给他的，他看到并读了？
He read it.
他读了它。
Ira Glass And did he say anything about it afterwards?
Ira Glass 后来他有说什么吗？
No. Ira Glass And then when he came out of the hospital, it was just like back to normal?
不，艾拉·格拉斯（Ira Glass） 然后当他出院时，一切就像恢复正常一样？
Normal.
普通的。
Ira Glass Like it never happened?
艾拉·格拉斯 就像这一切从未发生过一样吗？
Yeah, like whatever.
是的，就像什么一样。
One day I told him, "Oh, I love you, brother." "ooh, get away from me." He told me, "Get away from me."
有一天我告诉他：“哦，我爱你，兄弟。” “哎哟，离我远点。”他对我说：“离我远点。”
So even nearly dying hasn't changed anything between the two of you?
所以即使濒临死亡也没有改变你们两个之间的关系吗？
That is true, very true.
确实如此，非常正确。
Claudia Perez Is there any advice you would give to any young people out there who are trying to use their lives the same way you did, and they get up in the next incident like this?
克劳迪娅·佩雷斯（Claudia Perez） 对于那些试图像你一样利用自己的生活并在下一次这样的事件中站起来的年轻人，你有什么建议吗？
Just don't be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
只是不要在错误的时间出现在错误的地点。
Claudia Perez is a college freshman at Moraine Valley majoring in fashion design.
克劳迪娅·佩雷斯 (Claudia Perez) 是梦莲谷 (Moraine Valley) 大学一年级学生，主修时装设计。
She also works as a hostess at the Continental House of Pancakes on Chicago's south side.
她还在芝加哥南区的大陆煎饼屋担任女主人。
Act Four, Hope.
第四幕，希望。
A friend of a friend of mine was misdiagnosed with a disease and nearly died, and it got so bad that in the end she couldn't get out of bed, had said goodbye to everybody she knew, had given away everything, spent all her money.
我的一个朋友的一个朋友被误诊为一种疾病，险些丧命，最后她无法下床，告别了所有认识的人，放弃了一切，花光了所有的钱。
And she said that when the doctor told her you'll live, it was actually harder than when he told her you're going to die.
她说，当医生告诉她你会活下去时，实际上比他告诉她你会死时更难。
She thought, what now?
她想，现在怎么办？
Well, Cheryl Trykv had a similar experience, and has our next story.
好吧，谢丽尔·特里克夫（Cheryl Trykv）也有类似的经历，并且有我们的下一个故事。
Dr. Fargate tells me how lucky I am.
法盖特博士告诉我我是多么幸运。
He says surgery was touch and go, and that for an hour or so there I was this close-- with his fore and middle fingers side by side sticking out from the rest of his fist, he demonstrates the proximity.
他说手术就是一触即发，在大约一个小时的时间里，我离得这么近——他的食指和中指并排从拳头的其余部分伸出，他展示了这种接近。
"You nearly died," he says, smiling, teasing me, "But it looks like you'll live." Oh?
“你差点就死了，”他笑着说，取笑我，“但看起来你会活下去。”哦？
Why, that's wonderful.
为什么，那太棒了。
Life, one missed opportunity after the other, was this close.
人生，一次又一次错失良机，却如此接近。
My roommate in the hospital tells me how lucky I am.
我在医院的室友告诉我我是多么幸运。
She says that when she arrived there was no toilet paper or paper towels in the bathroom.
她说，当她到达时，浴室里没有卫生纸或纸巾。
"How am I supposed to wipe myself without no toilet paper?" she asked.
“没有卫生纸我该怎么擦？”她问道。
Indeed.
的确。
Great to be alive.
能活着真是太好了。
Later I request a private room.
后来我要求一间私人房间。
But her line of thinking gets me asking questions of my own, big questions.
但她的思路让我提出了自己的问题，很大的问题。
The biggest questions come at meal time, such as, what is it?
最大的问题出现在用餐时间，例如，这是什么？
One evening the nurse comes in with my dinner tray.
一天晚上，护士端着我的餐盘进来了。
I situate myself upright in bed so as to feed myself, and lift the cover off the entree.
我在床上坐直，以便自己吃饭，然后掀开主菜的盖子。
They've served me my own pancreas.
他们为我提供了我自己的胰腺。
What's more is they try to pass it off as Italian beef.
更重要的是，他们试图将其冒充为意大利牛肉。
I tell the nurse there's been a mistake.
我告诉护士这是一个错误。
I think I may have somebody else's tray.
我想我可能有别人的托盘。
"No," she says, "no mistake."
“不，”她说，“没有错。”
So many questions.
这么多问题。
So many, many questions.
很多很多问题。
Oh, the morphine drip provides five or six brilliant answers, but I can't remember them now.
哦，吗啡滴注提供了五六个精彩的答案，但我现在不记得了。
I blather away the hours in a semi-fog of hope that maybe the doctors missed something.
我在半雾的希望中喋喋不休地度过了几个小时，也许医生错过了一些事情。
Maybe I'm not so lucky after all.
也许我终究没有那么幸运。
Maybe they're wrong about me.
也许他们对我的看法是错误的。
Maybe I won't have to return to that world of tending bar, and waiting tables, and customers with their selfish tastes and relentless hungers for penny ante attention.
也许我不必回到那个充满酒吧、服务员和顾客的世界，他们有自私的品味和对一分钱关注的无情渴望。
No more train and bus connections.
不再有火车和巴士连接。
The flowers and get well cards will keep coming in all day long, the few days I'll have remaining.
在我仅剩的几天里，鲜花和康复卡会源源不断地送来。
And friends will flock in from the trees or wherever it is they've been hiding, and tell me over and over again how much they love me.
朋友们会从树上或他们躲藏的任何地方蜂拥而至，一遍又一遍地告诉我他们有多么爱我。
They'll tell me not so much in words but in the way they massage my feet, get me ice cream, and bring me gifts.
他们不会用言语告诉我太多，而是通过按摩我的脚、给我买冰淇淋、给我带来礼物的方式告诉我。
"Not another book on the mind-body connection.
“这不是另一本关于身心联系的书。
Oh, put it with the stack of others there in the corner.
哦，把它和其他一堆放在角落里。
Did you find out if Toshiro had any more of those little bed jackets for me?"
你知道俊郎还有没有给我的那些小床单吗？”
Dr. Fargate comes and goes with his probing brigade.
法盖特博士随他的探索队来来去去。
I think the Pakistani has a crush on me.
我认为巴基斯坦人迷恋我。
Anyway, he's barely an intern.
无论如何，他只是一个实习生。
Later Dr. Fargate returns alone with something serious to tell me.
后来法盖特博士独自回来，带着一些严肃的事情要告诉我。
"We've taken a second look at your biopsy report.
“我们已经再次查看了你的活检报告。
I'm afraid we're looking at stage four.
恐怕我们正在考虑第四阶段。
It's critical." "Oh, thank God.
这很关键。” “噢，感谢上帝。
I thought you were going to talk about my bill." He tells me at this point I should do anything to lift my spirits.
我以为你会谈论我的账单。”他告诉我此时我应该做任何事情来振奋精神。
That night there is a champagne party in my room for the entire ward.
那天晚上，我的房间里为整个病房举办了一场香槟派对。
I let one of the nurses wear my bed cap, the one with mink along the brim.
我让一位护士戴上我的床帽，那顶帽檐上有貂皮。
A few of us are busted for smoking in the bathroom.
我们中的一些人因在浴室吸烟而被捕。
Drunk on Fools Wit long after the others have returned to their rooms, I prank phone call various former employers, leaving messages of hell-born prophecy on their voice mail.
在其他人回到房间很久之后，我就喝醉了“愚人智慧”，恶作剧地给各个前雇主打电话，在他们的语音信箱中留下了地狱诞生的预言。
I make a list of hardships and collection agencies I will escape if I were to die.
我列出了一份清单，列出了如果我死了我会遇到的困难和收债机构。
How soon is now?
现在多久了？
At night I dream I am a beekeeper developing a strain of worker bees that automatically die before their pension fund kicks in.
晚上，我梦见自己是一名养蜂人，正在培育一种工蜂，这些工蜂在养老基金启动之前会自动死亡。
Because the fund only amounts to a thimble full of pollen, the early death is useful.
因为这笔资金只相当于装满花粉的顶针，所以早死是有用的。
I wake with the image of me standing before a subcommittee selling a special gas made from identical molecular bee genetics that can be sprayed on postal employees.
当我醒来时，脑海中浮现出我站在一个小组委员会面前，出售一种由相同的蜜蜂基因分子制成的特殊气体，这种气体可以喷洒在邮政员工身上。
I hold a sign that reads, works until drops dead.
我举着一块牌子，上面写着“工作至死”。
How do I sustain interest in a world that I'm scheduled not to be a part of very soon?
我如何保持对一个我不会很快融入的世界的兴趣？
Matthew Goulish says that when he had cancer, he found that he couldn't cry.
马修·古利什说，当他患上癌症时，他发现自己无法哭泣。
He would hear bad news about people who he knew, fellow patients who he heard had died, and he says that he just didn't feel much.
他会听到关于他认识的人的坏消息，关于他听说的病人去世的坏消息，他说他只是没有什么感觉。
It was as if he had arrived at a state where all the events of the world seemed of equal weight, of equal importance.
就好像他已经达到了一种境界，世界上所有的事件似乎都同等重要。
Well, we thought we would give Matthew the last word in today's program.
好吧，我们认为我们应该让马修在今天的节目中做最后发言。
In 1994, six years after I had been cured, an acquaintance of mine contracted lymphoma.
1994年，也就是我痊愈六年后，我的一个熟人患上了淋巴瘤。
I wrote her a letter which I never delivered-- until now.
我给她写了一封信，但直到现在我还没有寄出。
Dear Brigid, as our small party waited for the table, talking among ourselves at the Greek restaurant last night, I noticed you looking at the display of fresh foods-- heaps of hazelnuts, walnuts, leaves of oregano, bottles of oils on the dark wood cutting block.
亲爱的布里吉德，昨晚，当我们一行人在希腊餐厅等待餐桌时，我们互相交谈时，我注意到你正在看着陈列的新鲜食品——成堆的榛子、核桃、牛至叶、深色木材切割块上的瓶装油。
You watched the cook chopping up onions, and I recognized the look on your face.
你看着厨师切洋葱，我认出了你脸上的表情。
Events had equalized for you.
Events had equalized for you.
You had been pulled three quarters out of the world, and I wanted to say what's happening to you is not fair.
你已经被从这个世界上拉了四分之三，我想说发生在你身上的事情是不公平的。
It's not time yet, and statements of that kind.
It's not time yet, and statements of that kind.
But when you are leaving the world you understand that it isn't death that is strange and fearsome, but life.
但当你离开这个世界时，你就会明白，奇怪和可怕的不是死亡，而是生命。
How is this struggling life possible?
How is this struggling life possible?
How are these people possible?
How are these people possible?
How am I possible?
我怎么可能？
I am not.
我不是。
Our program was produced by Nancy Updike, Alix Spiegel, and myself.
我们的节目由 Nancy Updike、Alix Spiegel 和我自己制作。
Contributing editors Paul Tough, Jack Hitt, and Margy Rochlin.
特约编辑 Paul Tough、Jack Hitt 和 Margy Rochlin。
Music help from John Connors, Peter Margasak, and Steve Cushing.
约翰·康纳斯 (John Connors)、彼得·马加萨克 (Peter Margasak) 和史蒂夫·库欣 (Steve Cushing) 提供音乐帮助。
Thanks to Bridget Murphy.
Thanks to Bridget Murphy.
The first version of this episode of our radio show aired back in 1995.
我们的广播节目本集的第一版于 1995 年播出。
In the years since then, I am sorry to report Lawrence Steger, the writer and performer in Act Two, has died.
从那以后的几年里，我很遗憾地报告第二幕的编剧兼表演者劳伦斯·斯蒂格去世了。
A very wonderful man.
一个非常出色的人。
This American Life is distributed by Public Radio International.
《美国生活》由国际公共广播电台发行。
[FUNDING CREDITS] WBEZ management oversight by Torey Malatia.
[资金来源] WBEZ 管理由 Torey Malatia 监督。
I'm Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯。
Back next week with more stories of This American Life.
下周我们将带来更多《美国生活》的故事。
This American Life is produced in collaboration with WBEZ Chicago and delivered to stations by PRX The Public Radio Exchange.
《This American Life》与 WBEZ Chicago 合作制作，并由 PRX 公共广播电台传送到各电台。