47: Christmas and Commerce - This American Life
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00:00 00:00 Transcript Share This American Life Life Partners How to Listen Episodes Recommended About Overview Staff Announcements Fellowships Jobs Music Make Radio On The Road FAQ Submissions Merch Contact Us Our Other Shows Merch Follow Us Life Partners Subscribe to our newsletter Full episode Toggle Audio and Transcript Sync Transcript | Episode #47 | December 24, 2021 47: Christmas and Commerce Note: This American Life is produced for the ear and designed to be heard.
00:00 00:00 文字记录 分享此 美国生活 生活伙伴 如何收听 剧集 推荐 关于 概述 员工公告 奖学金 工作 音乐 在路上制作电台 常见问题解答 提交 商品 联系我们 我们的其他节目 商品 关注我们 生活伙伴 订阅我们的时事通讯 整集 切换音频和文字记录同步 文字记录 | 内容第 47 集 | 2021 年 12 月 24 日 47：圣诞节和商业 注意：《This American Life》是为耳朵而制作的，旨在让人们听到。
If you are able, we strongly encourage you to listen to the audio, which includes emotion and emphasis that's not on the page.
如果可以的话，我们强烈建议您收听音频，其中包括页面上没有的情感和重点。
Transcripts are generated using a combination of speech recognition software and human transcribers, and may contain errors.
文字记录是使用语音识别软件和人工转录员结合生成的，可能包含错误。
Please check the corresponding audio before quoting in print.
请在印刷版引用前检查相应的音频。
Act One: Toys R Us Ira Glass You know that saying, you can really tell who somebody is in a crisis?
第一幕：玩具反斗城 Ira Glass 你知道这句话吗？你真的能分辨出谁处于危机之中吗？
You can really tell at Christmas, too.
在圣诞节你也能看出来。
That's because Christmas, more than any other day in the American year, is a day when we're all handed the same stage props.
这是因为圣诞节比美国一年中的任何其他日子都是我们所有人都获得相同舞台道具的一天。
The same tree, the presents, the meal, the relatives, and all the same expectations.
同一棵树，同样的礼物，同样的食物，同样的亲戚，还有同样的期望。
And then we all try to create, more or less, the same kind of day.
然后我们都尝试创造或多或少相同的一天。
It's like hundreds of millions of people all set to work doing exactly the same art project.
这就像数亿人都准备做完全相同的艺术项目。
And not just any art project, but a very high stakes art project, an art project everybody cares about getting right.
这不仅仅是一个艺术项目，而是一个风险非常高的艺术项目，一个每个人都关心如何做好的艺术项目。
And in that setting, the choices people make never seem clearer.
在这种情况下，人们做出的选择似乎从未如此清晰。
And one place you can witness this human drama at work is at one of the epicenters of modern Christmas, the world's biggest toy store, Toys R Us.
您可以在现代圣诞节的中心之一、世界上最大的玩具店玩具反斗城 (Toys R Us) 见证这一人间戏剧。
Attention shoppers.
购物者注意。
Attention shoppers.
购物者注意。
Toys R Us is closed for the evening.
玩具反斗城晚上不营业。
Please bring all your final selections up to the registers at this time.
请此时将您所有的最终选择带到登记处。
Closing time, Christmas Eve.
关门时间，圣诞节前夕。
But still the store is filled with parents making one last run to the goal line of a perfect Christmas.
但商店里仍然挤满了父母，他们正在为完美圣诞节的目标线做最后的努力。
Mark [?
标记 [？
Neimus ?] and his teenage son Ricky are walking the length of the store.
尼姆斯？]和他十几岁的儿子瑞奇正在商店里走着。
Walking, literally, as quickly as men can walk without actually breaking into a run.
从字面上看，步行是指男人在不跑步的情况下能走的最快速度。
Their bodies are tense.
他们的身体都绷紧了。
They spot a sales girl.
他们发现了一名女售货员。
Do you know where these twins dolls are?
你知道这对双胞胎娃娃在哪里吗？
They are twins.
他们是双胞胎。
They're like $70.
它们大约是 70 美元。
They're directed into aisle 12C.
他们被引导至 12C 过道。
It is stacked high with dolls.
里面堆满了洋娃娃。
The [?
这 [？
Neimus ?] boys don't have much time.
Neimus？] 男孩们没有太多时间。
Where are the twin dolls?
双胞胎娃娃在哪里？
There's Heart to Heart Baby, whose heart really beats.
还有“心连心宝贝”，他的心真的在跳动。
There is poseable Sleepy Soft Skin.
有可动的昏昏欲睡的柔软皮肤。
There is Softina, the miracle soft foam doll.
Softina 是一款神奇的软泡沫娃娃。
There is Baby Bathe-A-Lot.
有“给宝宝洗澡”。
There's Danielle's Fashion Ensemble.
这是丹妮尔的时尚套装。
There's Baby Braids, the pretty, huggable, fashion hair doll.
Baby Braids 是一款漂亮、惹人喜爱的时尚发娃娃。
There is Baby Tummy Talks.
有婴儿肚子会说话。
Well, no. Actually, they're not.
嗯，不。事实上，他们不是。
A middle aged black couple, themselves in the search for a doll called the Sparkle doll, suggests 11C.
一对中年黑人夫妇正在寻找一种名为 Sparkle 娃娃的玩偶，他们建议 11C。
All the dolls in 11C, for some reason, have names that suggest the names of starlets in adult films.
出于某种原因，11C 中的所有娃娃的名字都让人联想到成人电影中的女明星的名字。
So Shy Sherry, Baby Shivers, Powder Pool twins, Previous Playmate.
害羞的雪利酒、颤抖的婴儿、粉池双胞胎、以前的玩伴。
Debbie Attachable Accessories.
黛比可连接配件。
Standing there, I realize, of course their names are like names from adult films.
站在那里，我意识到，他们的名字当然就像成人电影中的名字。
Where else do you find this kind of hyped up, packaged, theatrical girlishness?
你还能在哪里找到这种夸张、包装、戏剧化的少女气质？
They find a price sticker on the twins doll.
他们在双胞胎娃娃上发现了价格标签。
And they stand there, unnerved.
他们站在那里，心神不宁。
I don't know.
我不知道。
Ira Glass What are you looking at?
艾拉·格拉斯 你在看什么？
The price.
价格。
Ira Glass It turns out to be $90.
Ira Glass 结果是 90 美元。
Who is it for?
它是给谁用的？
Mark It's for my daughter.
马克 这是给我女儿的。
How old is she?
她年纪多大？
Mark She's four.
马克 她四岁了。
Going to be five.
马上就要五岁了
How come so last minute?
怎么到了最后一刻？
The store closes in just two minutes.
商店再过两分钟就关门了。
We bought her some other things.
我们给她买了一些其他东西。
And tonight, she asked me three times if Santa was coming.
今晚，她三次问我圣诞老人是否会来。
And I said, yes.
我说，是的。
And she said, good, because he's bringing me these twins.
她说，很好，因为他给我带来了这对双胞胎。
And we didn't have it.
而我们没有。
I never thought I'd be doing this at 7:30 on Christmas Eve.
我从没想过我会在平安夜 7:30 做这件事。
I've seen it in movies.
我在电影里见过。
I swear to God, I never thought I'd be doing this.
我向上帝发誓，我从来没想过我会这么做。
But here I am.
但我在这里。
You're a good dad.
你是个好爸爸。
Mark I'd better be, for $90.
马克，我最好是，90 美元。
This is the thing about Christmas.
这就是关于圣诞节的事情。
Christmas has given him a stage on which he can prove who he is.
圣诞节给了他一个可以证明自己的舞台。
He's the same good dad he always is, but more so, you know?
他还是一如既往的好爸爸，但更重要的是，你知道吗？
Christmas.
圣诞节。
Christmas is the time when everybody is who they normally are, but more so.
圣诞节是每个人都恢复正常的时候，但更是如此。
Well, from WBEZ Chicago, it's This American Life.
嗯，来自 WBEZ 芝加哥，这是《This American Life》。
I'm Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯。
If you are hearing our program for the first time, a number of public radio stations around the country are just picking us up for this Christmas special.
如果您是第一次收听我们的节目，全国各地的许多公共广播电台都在为我们收听这个圣诞特别节目。
We are a new public radio show.
我们是一个新的公共广播节目。
Each week we choose a theme, invite a variety of writers, performers, radio producers to tackle that theme with radio monologues, mini documentaries, overheard conversations, found tape, anything we can think of.
每周我们都会选择一个主题，邀请各种作家、表演者、广播制作人通过广播独白、迷你纪录片、无意中听到的对话、找到的磁带以及任何我们能想到的方式来解决这个主题。
Today's program in three acts.
今天的节目分三幕。
Act One, Toys R Us.
第一幕，玩具反斗城。
Act Two, David Sedaris' "SantaLand Diaries." Act Three, Christmas Freud.
第二幕，大卫·塞达里斯的《圣诞老人日记》。第三幕，圣诞节弗洛伊德。
That's Sigmund Freud.
那是西格蒙德·弗洛伊德。
Stay with us.
留在我们身边。
Act Two.
第二幕。
David Sedaris My costume is green.
大卫·塞达里斯 我的服装是绿色的。
I wear green velvet knickers, a forest green velvet smock, and a perky little hat decorated with spangles.
我穿着绿色天鹅绒内裤、森林绿色天鹅绒罩衫，戴着一顶饰有亮片的活泼小帽子。
This is my work uniform.
这是我的工作服。
Four Christmases ago, those were the words which introduced radio listeners across the country to David Sedaris.
四年前的圣诞节，正是这些话让全国各地的广播听众认识了大卫·塞达里斯。
His account of working as a department store elf for two Christmas seasons was immediately one of the most popular stories ever broadcast on National Public Radio's Morning Edition.
他在两个圣诞节期间担任百货公司小精灵的经历立即成为国家公共广播电台早间版最受欢迎的故事之一。
Only the coverage of commentator Red Barber's death generated more tape requests, I have been told.
有人告诉我，只有评论员雷德·巴伯之死的报道才引起了更多的磁带请求。
It is with pleasure that we broadcast it again today.
我们很高兴今天再次播出它。
The Morning Edition version of "The SantaLand Diaries" ran only eight and a half minutes because of the format of Morning Edition.
由于晨间版的格式，《圣诞老人日记》的晨间版只播放了八分半钟。
But here, here we have the time to stretch out, and play you something that's much closer to David's original text.
但在这里，我们有时间伸展一下，给你播放一些更接近大卫原文的东西。
I was in a coffee shop reading the want-ads when I saw, "Macy's Herald Square, the largest store in the world, has big opportunities for outgoing, fun-loving people of all shapes and sizes.
当我在一家咖啡店里阅读招聘广告时，我看到：“梅西百货先锋广场是世界上最大的商店，为各种体型和体型的外向、爱玩的人提供了巨大的机会。
Working as an elf in Macy's SantaLand means being at the center of the excitement." I brought the ad home and my roommate, Rusty, and I were laughing about it.
在梅西百货圣诞老人乐园里当小精灵工作意味着成为兴奋的中心。”我把广告带回家，我的室友拉斯蒂和我都笑了。
And he dared me to call for an interview.
他还鼓励我打电话去面试。
So I did.
所以我做到了。
The woman at Macy's asked, "Would you be interested in full-time elf or evening and weekend elf?" I said, "Full-time elf."
梅西百货的那位女士问：“你对全职精灵感兴趣还是晚上和周末精灵感兴趣？”我说：“全职小精灵。”
I am a 33-year-old man applying for a job as an elf.
我是一名33岁的男性，正在申请一份精灵工作。
I often see people in the streets dressed as objects and handing out leaflets.
我经常在街上看到人们打扮成物体并散发传单。
I usually avoid leaflets, but it breaks my heart to see a grown man dressed as a taco.
我通常会避免传单，但看到一个成年男子打扮成墨西哥卷饼让我心碎。
So if there is a costume involved, I tend to not only accept the leaflet, but to accept it graciously, saying, "thank you so much," and thinking, "you poor son of a bitch."
因此，如果涉及服装，我不仅会接受传单，而且会大方地接受，说：“非常感谢”，并想：“你这个可怜的混蛋。”
This afternoon on Lexington Avenue, I accepted a leaflet from a man dressed as a camcorder.
今天下午，在列克星敦大道上，我收到了一位穿着摄像机的男子发来的传单。
Hot dogs, tacos, video cameras, these things make me sad because there's no place for them, no community.
热狗、炸玉米饼、摄像机，这些东西让我很难过，因为没有它们的容身之地，没有社区。
They don't fit in on the streets.
他们不适合流落街头。
I figure that at least as an elf I will have a place.
我想至少作为一个精灵我会有一席之地。
I'll be in Santa's Village with all the other elves.
我会和其他小精灵一起去圣诞老人村。
We'll live in a fluffy wonderland, surrounded by candy canes and gingerbread shacks.
我们将生活在一个毛茸茸的仙境里，周围都是拐杖糖和姜饼屋。
It won't be quite as sad as being some big French fry out on a street corner.
它不会像街角的大炸薯条那么悲伤。
I have to admit that I had high hopes when moving to New York.
我不得不承认，搬到纽约时我抱有很高的期望。
In my imagination, I went straight from Penn Station to the offices of One Life to Live.
在我的想象中，我从宾夕法尼亚车站直接前往 One Life to Live 的办公室。
In my imagination, I went out for drinks with Cord Roberts and Victoria Buchanan, the show's biggest stars.
在我的想象中，我和这部剧的大明星科德·罗伯茨和维多利亚·布坎南一起出去喝酒。
We'd sit in a plush booth at a Tony Cocktail Lounge and they'd lift their frosty glasses in my direction and say, "A toast to David Sedaris, the best writer this show ever had." I'd say, "You guys, cut it out."
我们坐在托尼鸡尾酒酒廊的豪华包间里，他们会朝我的方向举起冰冷的玻璃杯，说：“为大卫·塞达里斯干杯，他是这部剧有史以来最好的编剧。”我会说：“你们，别再这样了。”
People at the surrounding tables would stare at us, whispering, "Isn't that?
周围桌子上的人会盯着我们，小声说：“不是吗？
Isn't that?" I might be distracted by their enthusiasm.
不是吗？”我可能会被他们的热情分散注意力。
And Victoria Buchanan would lay her hand over mine and tell me that I'd better get used to being the center of the attention.
维多利亚·布坎南 (Victoria Buchanan) 会把她的手放在我的手上，告诉我，我最好习惯成为关注的焦点。
But instead, I'm applying for a job as an elf.
但相反，我正在申请一份精灵的工作。
Instead, someone will say, "What's that shoe size again?" and hand me a pair of seven and a half slippers, the toes of which curl to a point.
相反，有人会问：“那双鞋的尺码是多少？”然后递给我一双七分半的拖鞋，脚趾卷曲成一个点。
Even worse is the very real possibility that I will not be hired, that I couldn't even find work as an elf.
更糟糕的是，我很可能不会被雇用，甚至找不到作为精灵的工作。
That's when you know you're a failure.
那时你就知道自己是个失败者。
This afternoon, I sat in the eighth floor SantaLand office, and was told, "Congratulations, Mr. Sedaris.
今天下午，我坐在八楼 SantaLand 办公室，有人告诉我：“恭喜你，塞达里斯先生。
You're an elf." In order to become an elf, I filled out 10 pages worth of forms, took a multiple choice personality test, underwent two interviews, and submitted urine for a drug test.
你是一个精灵。”为了成为一名精灵，我填写了10页表格，参加了多项选择性格测试，接受了两次面试，并提交了尿液进行药物测试。
During the second interview, we were asked why we wanted to be elves, which, when you think about it, is a fairly tough question.
在第二次采访中，我们被问到为什么想成为精灵，仔细想想，这是一个相当棘手的问题。
I told the interviewers that I wanted to be an elf because it was the most ridiculous thing I'd ever heard of.
我告诉面试官我想成为一名精灵，因为这是我听过的最可笑的事情。
I figured that, for once in my life, I would be completely honest and see how far it got me.
我想，这辈子只有一次，我会完全诚实，看看它能让我走多远。
I failed the drug test.
我药检没通过。
My urine had roaches and stems floating in it, but still they hired me, and honesty had nothing to do with it.
我的尿液里漂浮着蟑螂和茎，但他们仍然雇用了我，诚实与此无关。
They hired me because I'm short.
他们雇用我是因为我个子矮。
Everyone they hired is short.
他们雇用的每个人都很矮。
I am one of the taller elves.
我是个子较高的精灵之一。
I have spent the last several days sitting in a crowded, windowless Macy's classroom, undergoing the first phases of elf training.
过去几天，我坐在拥挤、没有窗户的梅西百货教室里，接受小精灵训练的第一阶段。
We have been addressed by all sorts of instructors, who begin their presentations by saying, "This looks like an outstanding group of elves." Several of the bosses have led us in motivational cheers, a concept which stuns me to the core.
各种各样的导师都向我们致辞，他们在演讲开始时都会说：“这看起来像是一群杰出的精灵。”几位老板给我们带来了鼓舞人心的欢呼，这个概念让我震惊不已。
Following an eight hour day of cash register training, we were treated to a video presentation by the security staff, visited by interpreters for the deaf, and presented with "The Elfin Guide," a 40-page booklet of rules and regulations.
经过一天 8 小时的收银培训后，我们观看了保安人员的视频演示，聋哑人的口译员拜访了我们，并向我们赠送了一本 40 页的规章制度小册子《精灵指南》。
This afternoon's training concluded with a tour of SantaLand.
今天下午的培训以参观圣诞老人乐园而结束。
SantaLand is beautiful.
圣诞老人乐园很美丽。
It really is.
确实如此。
It's a wonderland with 10,000 twinkling lights and diversions.
这是一个拥有一万盏闪烁灯光和娱乐活动的仙境。
People enter and walk through a maze, which affords views of mechanical dancing penguins, train sets, spinning bears, and really big candy canes.
人们进入并穿过迷宫，可以看到机械跳舞的企鹅、火车组、旋转的熊和巨大的拐杖糖。
They walk through a quarter mile of maze and wind up at the Magic Tree, at which point they brace themselves for Santa.
他们穿过四分之一英里的迷宫，最终到达魔法树，此时他们做好了迎接圣诞老人的准备。
The tree is a tunnel designed to resemble a complex system of roots.
这棵树是一个隧道，设计得类似于复杂的根系。
The child is supposed to think, "I can't believe I'm inside a tree." But instead, I think it looks like a large scientific model of the human intestinal tract.
孩子应该想：“我不敢相信我在一棵树里。”但相反，我认为它看起来像一个人类肠道的大型科学模型。
Once you pass the Magic Tree, the lights dim.
一旦你经过魔法树，灯光就变暗了。
It is dark beyond that tree.
那棵树后面一片漆黑。
It is dark because Macy's does not want people to know that there are six houses.
天很黑，因为梅西百货不想让人们知道有六栋房子。
Macy's wants people to think that there is only one house, and one Santa, and he lives at Macy's.
梅西百货希望人们认为只有一所房子和一位圣诞老人，而且他住在梅西百货。
They constantly refer to the movie Miracle on 34th Street.
他们经常提到电影《34街的奇迹》。
But even if someone believed in one Santa, why would they believe he lived in a department store?
但即使有人相信有一位圣诞老人，他们为什么会相信他住在百货公司里呢？
Nobody lives in a department store.
没有人住在百货公司里。
The Santa houses are cozy and intimate, laden with toys.
圣诞老人的房子舒适而温馨，里面摆满了玩具。
Each house has a hidden camera.
每个房子都有一个隐藏的摄像头。
This afternoon, we learn the names of the various elf positions.
今天下午，我们学习了各个精灵位置的名称。
You can be, for example, an Oh My God Elf, and stand at the corner near the escalator.
例如，您可以成为“天哪”精灵，站在自动扶梯附近的拐角处。
People arrive, see the long line around the corner, and say, "Oh, my god." And your job is to tell them that it won't take more than an hour to see Santa.
人们到达时，看到拐角处排着长队，然后说：“哦，天哪。”而你的工作就是告诉他们，见到圣诞老人不会超过一个小时。
You can be an Entrance Elf, a Water Cooler Elf, a Bridge Elf, Train Elf, Maze Elf, Island Elf, Magic Window Elf, Emergency Exit Elf, Counter Elf, Magic Tree Elf, Pointer Elf, Santa Elf, Photo Elf, Usher Elf, Cash Register Elf, or Exit Elf.
你可以是入口精灵、饮水机精灵、桥梁精灵、火车精灵、迷宫精灵、岛屿精灵、魔窗精灵、紧急出口精灵、计数器精灵、魔法树精灵、指针精灵、圣诞老人精灵、照片精灵、引座员精灵、收银机精灵或出口精灵。
We were given a demonstration of various positions in action, acted out by returning elves who were so on stage and goofy that it made me a little sick to my stomach.
我们向他们展示了各种动作姿势，由回归的精灵表演，他们在舞台上表现得很愚蠢，让我有点反胃。
I don't know that I could look anyone in the eye and exclaim, "Oh, my goodness!
我不知道我可以看着任何人的眼睛并惊呼：“哦，天哪！
I think I see Santa!" Or "Can you close your eyes and make a very special Christmas wish?" Everything these elves say seems to have an exclamation point on the end of it.
我想我看到圣诞老人了！”或者“你能闭上眼睛许一个特别的圣诞愿望吗？”这些精灵所说的每句话的末尾似乎都带有一个感叹号。
It makes one's mouth hurt to speak with such forced merriment.
带着这样强行的欢乐说话，让人的嘴都痛了。
It embarrasses me to hear people talk this way.
听到人们这样说话我感到很尴尬。
I prefer being frank with children.
我更喜欢对孩子坦诚。
I'm more likely to say, "You must be exhausted," or "I know a lot of people who would kill for that little waistline of yours." I'm afraid I won't be able to provide the enthusiasm Santa is asking for.
我更有可能说，“你一定累坏了”，或者“我认识很多人，他们会为了你那小小的腰围而杀人。”我恐怕无法提供圣诞老人所要求的热情。
I think I'll be a low-key sort of elf.
我想我会是一个低调的小精灵。
Today was elf dress rehearsal.
今天是精灵彩排。
The lockers and dressing rooms are on the eighth floor, directly behind SantaLand.
储物柜和更衣室位于八楼，就在 SantaLand 后面。
People have gotten to know one another over the past four days of training.
在过去四天的培训中，大家都相互了解了。
But once we took off our clothes and put on our costumes, everything changed.
但当我们脱掉衣服穿上戏服后，一切都变了。
Ivy, the woman in charge of costuming, handed out our uniforms, and gave us a lecture on keeping things clean.
负责服装的艾维女士分发了我们的制服，并给我们做了关于保持物品清洁的讲座。
She held up a calendar and said, "Ladies, you know what this is.
她举起日历说：“女士们，你们知道这是什么。
Use it.
使用它。
I have scraped enough blood out from the crotches of elf knickers to last me the rest of my life.
我从精灵内裤的胯部刮出了足够的血，足以供我余生使用。
And don't tell me, 'I don't wear underpants.
别告诉我，‘我不穿内裤。
I'm a dancer.' You're not a dancer.
我是一名舞者。你不是舞者。
If you were a real dancer, you wouldn't be here.
如果你是一个真正的舞者，你就不会在这里。
You're an elf, and you're going to wear panties like an elf."
你是一个精灵，你会像精灵一样穿内裤。”
My costume is green.
我的服装是绿色的。
I wear green velvet knickers, a forest green velvet smock, and a perky little hat decorated with spangles.
我穿着绿色天鹅绒内裤、森林绿色天鹅绒罩衫，戴着一顶饰有亮片的活泼小帽子。
This is my work uniform.
这是我的工作服。
During dress rehearsal, I worked as a Santa Elf for house number two.
在彩排期间，我担任二号屋的圣诞老人精灵。
A Santa Elf greets children at the Magic Tree and leads them to Santa's house.
圣诞老人精灵在魔法树上迎接孩子们，并带领他们前往圣诞老人的家。
When you work as a Santa Elf, you have to go by your elf name.
当你作为圣诞老人精灵工作时，你必须使用你的精灵名字。
My elf name is Crumpet.
我的精灵名字是克朗佩特。
The other elves have names like Jingle and Frosty.
其他精灵的名字有叮当（Jingle）和弗罗斯蒂（Frosty）。
They take the children by the hand and squeal with forced delight.
他们拉着孩子们的手，强颜欢笑地尖叫。
They sing and prance and behave like cartoon characters come to life.
他们又唱又跳，举止就像栩栩如生的卡通人物一样。
It frightens me.
这让我害怕。
Today was the official opening day of SantaLand, and I worked as a Magic Window Elf, a Santa Elf, and an Usher Elf.
今天是圣诞老人乐园的正式开幕日，我担任了魔法窗精灵、圣诞老人精灵和引座精灵。
The Magic Window is located in the adult quick peep line.
魔窗位于成人快速窥视线上。
My job was to say, "Step on the magic star, and look through the window, and you can see Santa." I was at the Magic Window for 15 minutes before a man approached me and said, "You look so stupid."
我的工作是说：“踩在魔法星上，透过窗户往外看，你就能看到圣诞老人。”我在 Magic Window 待了 15 分钟，然后一个男人走过来对我说：“你看起来很蠢。”
I have to admit that he had a point.
我不得不承认他说的有道理。
But still, I wanted to say that at least I get paid to look stupid, that he gives it away for free.
但我仍然想说，至少我得到报酬是为了看起来很愚蠢，而他是免费赠送的。
But I can't say things like that because I'm supposed to be merry.
但我不能说这样的话，因为我应该很高兴。
So instead, I said, "Thank you." Thank you, as if I had misunderstood and thought he had said, "You look terrific." Thank you.
所以我反而说：“谢谢你。”谢谢你，好像我误会了，以为他说的是：“你看起来棒极了。”谢谢。
He was a brawny, wiseguy, wearing a vinyl jacket and carrying a bag from the Radio Shack.
他是一个强壮、聪明的人，穿着一件乙烯基夹克，背着一个来自无线电小屋的包。
I should have said, real loud, "Sorry, man, I don't date other guys." People would have turned and looked our way.
我应该大声说：“对不起，伙计，我不和其他男人约会。”人们会转过头来看着我们。
And he would have curled into a little ball and died.
他会蜷缩成一个小球然后死掉。
All the Santas have different routines.
所有的圣诞老人都有不同的惯例。
Some want the children's names.
有些人想要孩子们的名字。
So as you're leading the youngsters from the Magic Tree, you say, "What was your name again?
因此，当你带领魔法树上的年轻人时，你会说：“你叫什么名字？
It's right on the tip of my mind where I can't get at it." Then they say their name.
它就在我的脑海里，我无法理解。”然后他们说出自己的名字。
And you say, "That's right.
你说：“没错。
Van.
范.
You're Van.
你是范。
See, I didn't recognize you with that turtleneck.
你看，穿那件高领毛衣我没认出你来。
That's new, isn't it?" And it's always new, because they grow so fast they are always needing larger clothes.
这是新的，不是吗？”而且它总是新的，因为它们长得太快，总是需要更大的衣服。
Then you lead them to Santa's door and say, "Let me just check and see if he's ready." And you poke your head in and whisper, "Van." Then, half the time you'll usher the child into the house, and Santa will say, "Stan, it's so good to see you." It's hard when you have three or four kids in a group.
然后你带领他们到圣诞老人门口并说：“让我检查一下他是否准备好了。”然后你探出头低声说：“范。”然后，有一半的时间你会把孩子带进屋，圣诞老人会说：“斯坦，很高兴见到你。”当你有三四个孩子在一起时，这很困难。
It's hard to keep the names straight.
很难保持名字正确。
And some of the names are names I've never heard.
其中有些名字是我从未听说过的。
Vaneesha, Fohntaj, Great.
瓦妮莎、丰塔吉，太棒了。
A child named Great.
一个名叫伟大的孩子。
I'm Great.
我很棒。
That's a name which is bound to prove challenging once he gets old enough to start sleeping around.
一旦他长大到可以开始露宿，这个名字注定会变得具有挑战性。
This afternoon, I was Photo Elf for Santa Howard.
今天下午，我是圣诞老人霍华德的摄影精灵。
Santa Howard uses names, and sits the kids on his lap, and asks if they've been good and what they want for Christmas.
圣诞老人霍华德点名，让孩子们坐在他的腿上，问他们过得好不好，圣诞节想要什么。
And then he asks what they plan to leave him on Christmas Eve.
然后他问他们打算在平安夜留给他什么。
And they say, cookies and milk.
他们说，饼干和牛奶。
And he asks, what kind of cookies?
他问，什么样的饼干？
And they say, chocolate chip, or whatever.
他们说，巧克力片，或者其他什么。
And he demands the Photo Elf to say, "Chocolate chip?
他要求照片精灵说：“巧克力片？
That is Santa's favorite kind of cookie." I don't mind saying it, but I must have said it 60 times today.
这是圣诞老人最喜欢的饼干。”我不介意说，但今天我一定已经说了60遍了。
This afternoon, Santa Howard got an Asian child who wasn't familiar with the idea of leaving cookies.
今天下午，圣诞老人霍华德有一个亚洲孩子，他不熟悉留下饼干的想法。
Santa asked what she was going to leave him to eat.
圣诞老人问她要留给他什么吃。
And she got a puzzled look on her face.
她脸上露出困惑的表情。
He said, "Something round to eat?" And she said, "A potato?"
他说：“有什么圆形的东西可以吃吗？”她说：“土豆？”
22,000 people came to see Santa today, and not all of them were well-behaved.
今天有 22,000 人来看望圣诞老人，但并非所有人都表现得很好。
Today I witnessed fistfights and vomiting and magnificent tantrums.
今天我目睹了打架、呕吐和大发脾气。
Once the line gets long, we break it into four different lines, because anyone in their right mind would leave if they knew it would take over two hours to see Santa.
一旦队伍变长，我们就会把它分成四条不同的队伍，因为任何心智正常的人如果知道要花两个多小时才能见到圣诞老人，就会离开。
Two hours.
两个小时。
You could see a movie in two hours.
两个小时就可以看完一部电影。
Standing in a two-hour line makes people worry that they're not living in a democratic nation.
排两个小时的队让人们担心他们不是生活在一个民主国家。
I was sent into the hallway to direct the second phase of the line.
我被派到走廊指挥第二阶段的队伍。
The hallway was packed with people, and all of them seemed to stop me with a question.
走廊里挤满了人，他们似乎都在问我什么问题。
Which way to the down escalator?
下自动扶梯走哪条路？
Which way to the elevator?
哪条路到电梯？
The patio restaurant, gift wrap, the women's restroom, Trim-a-Tree.
露台餐厅、礼品包装、女洗手间、Trim-a-Tree。
There was a line for Santa and a line for the women's bathroom.
圣诞老人排队，女洗手间也排队。
And one woman, after asking me 1,000 questions already, asked, which is the line for the women's bathroom?
一位女士在问了我 1000 个问题后问，女厕所的线路是哪条？
And I shouted that I thought it was the line with all the women in it.
我大声喊道，我以为这是队列，里面全是女性。
And she said, I'm going to have you fired.
她说，我要解雇你。
I had two people say that to me today.
今天有两个人对我这么说。
I'm going to have you fired.
我要解雇你。
Go ahead.
前进。
Be my guest.
做我的客人。
I'm wearing a green velvet costume.
我穿着绿色天鹅绒服装。
It doesn't get any worse than this.
没有比这更糟糕的了。
Who do these people think they are?
这些人认为他们是谁？
I'm going to have you fired.
我要解雇你。
And I want to lean over and say, I'm going to have you killed.
我想俯身说，我要杀了你。
This morning, I got stuck at the Magic Window, which is really boring.
今天早上，我被困在了“魔窗”，实在是太无聊了。
I'm supposed to stand around and say, "Step on the magic star and you can see Santa." I said that for a while.
我应该站在周围说：“踩到魔法星上，你就能看到圣诞老人。”我说了一会儿。
And then I started saying, "Step on the magic star and you can see Cher." And people got excited.
然后我开始说：“踩在魔法星上，你就能看到雪儿。”人们很兴奋。
So I said, "Step on the magic star and you can see Mike Tyson." Some people in the other line, the line to sit on Santa's lap, got excited and cut through the gate so that they could stand on my magic star.
所以我说，“踩在魔法星上，你就能看到迈克·泰森。”另一排的一些人，即坐在圣诞老人腿上的队伍，很兴奋，冲破了大门，这样他们就可以站在我的魔法星上。
Then they got angry when they looked through the Magic Window and saw Santa, rather than Cher or Mike Tyson.
然后，当他们透过魔窗看到圣诞老人，而不是雪儿或迈克·泰森时，他们很生气。
But what did they honestly expect?
但他们真正期望的是什么呢？
Is Cher so hard up for money that she would agree to stand behind a two way mirror at Macy's?
雪儿是否真的缺钱，以至于愿意站在梅西百货的双向镜子后面？
The angry people must have said something to management, because I was taken off the Magic Star and sent to Elf Island, which is really boring, because all you do is stand around and act merry.
愤怒的人们肯定对管理层说了些什么，因为我被从魔星上取下来，送到精灵岛，这真的很无聊，因为你所做的就是站在一旁卖乐。
At noon, a large group of retarded people came to visit Santa and passed me on my little island.
中午，一大群智障人士来看望圣诞老人，在我的小岛上从我身边经过。
These people were profoundly retarded.
这些人智障严重。
They were rolling their eyes and wagging their tongues and staggering towards Santa.
他们翻着白眼，摇着舌头，摇摇晃晃地走向圣诞老人。
It was a large group of retarded people and, after seeing them for 15 minutes, I could not begin to guess where the retarded people ended and the regular New Yorkers began.
这是一大群智障人士，在看了他们 15 分钟后，我无法开始猜测智障人士的终点和普通纽约人的起点。
Everyone looks retarded once you've set your mind to it.
一旦你下定决心，每个人都会显得迟钝。
This morning, I worked as an Exit Elf, telling people in a loud voice, "This way out of SantaLand." A woman was standing at one of the cash registers paying for her pictures while her son lay beneath her, kicking and heaving, having a tantrum.
今天早上，我以退出精灵的身份工作，大声告诉人们：“从这里离开圣诞老人乐园。”一名妇女站在一台收银机前为她的照片付款，而她的儿子则躺在她身下，踢来踢去，大发脾气。
The woman said, "Riley, if you don't start behaving yourself, Santa is not going to bring you any of those toys you asked for." The child said, "He is too going to bring me toys, liar.
女人说：“莱利，如果你不开始表现自己，圣诞老人就不会给你带来你想要的任何玩具。”孩子说：“他也要去给我送玩具，骗子。
He already told me."
他已经告诉我了。”
The woman grabbed my arm and said, "You there, elf.
那女人抓住我的手臂说：“你在那儿，小精灵。
Tell Riley here that if he doesn't start behaving immediately, then Santa is going to change his mind and bring him coal for Christmas." I said that Santa changed his policy and no longer traffics in coal.
在这里告诉莱利，如果他不立即开始表现，那么圣诞老人就会改变主意，给他带来圣诞节的煤炭。”我说圣诞老人改变了政策，不再运输煤炭了。
Instead, if you're bad, he comes to your house and steals things.
相反，如果你表现不好，他就会来你家偷东西。
I told Riley that if he didn't behave himself, Santa was going to take away his TV and all his electrical appliances and leave him in the dark.
我告诉莱利，如果他不守规矩，圣诞老人就会拿走他的电视和所有电器，把他留在黑暗中。
All your appliances, Riley, including the refrigerator.
莱利，你所有的电器，包括冰箱。
Your food is going to spoil and smell bad.
你的食物会变质并散发出难闻的味道。
It is going to be so cold and dark where you are.
你所在的地方将会非常寒冷和黑暗。
You're going to wish you never even heard the name Santa.
你会希望自己从未听说过圣诞老人这个名字。
The woman got a worried look on her face and said, "All right.
女人脸上露出担忧的神色，说道：“好吧。”
That's enough." I said, "He's going to take your car and your furniture and all of your towels and blankets and leave you with nothing." The mother said, "No, that's enough.
这就够了。”我说：“他会拿走你的车、你的家具、你所有的毛巾和毯子，什么也不留下。”妈妈说：“不用了，够了。”
Really."
真的。”
Two New Jersey families came today to see Santa.
新泽西州的两个家庭今天来看望圣诞老人。
Two loud, ugly husbands with two wives and four children between them.
两个吵闹、丑陋的丈夫，还有两个妻子和四个孩子。
The children gathered around Santa and had their pictures taken.
孩子们聚集在圣诞老人周围并拍照。
When Santa asked the 1o-year-old boy what he wanted for Christmas, his father shouted, "A woman.
当圣诞老人问这个 1 岁的男孩圣诞节想要什么时，他的父亲喊道：“一个女人。
Get him a woman, Santa." These men were very loud and irritating, constantly laughing and jostling one another.
给他找个女人吧，圣诞老人。”这些人非常吵闹，令人恼火，不断地大笑、互相推搡。
The two women sat on Santa's lap and had their pictures taken, and each asked Santa for a KitchenAid brand dishwasher and a decent winter coat.
两个女人坐在圣诞老人的腿上拍照，并各自向圣诞老人索要一台 KitchenAid 品牌的洗碗机和一件像样的冬衣。
Then the husbands sat on Santa's lap.
然后丈夫们坐在圣诞老人的腿上。
And when asked what he wanted for Christmas, one of the men yelled, "I want a broad with big jugs." The man's small-breasted wife crossed her arms over her chest, looked at the floor, and gritted her teeth.
当被问到圣诞节想要什么时，其中一个男人喊道：“我想要一个有大壶的女人。”男人的小胸妻子双臂抱在胸前，看着地板，咬牙切齿。
The man's son tried to laugh.
那人的儿子想笑。
"Hi.
“嗨。
Hello.
你好。
How are you doing tonight?
今晚你过得怎么样？
What are you up to tonight?
今晚你打算做什么？
What are you drinking?
你喝什么？
I think I'll have whatever you're having.
我想你拥有的一切我都会拥有。
I could use a change."
我可以换个东西。”
My roommate, Rusty, gave me these lines.
我的室友拉斯蒂给了我这些台词。
I don't have any idea what to say to people in clubs and bars.
我不知道该对俱乐部和酒吧里的人说什么。
I freeze up and wither away.
我冻结并枯萎。
But Rusty tells me that these lines work.
但拉斯蒂告诉我这些线路有效。
"Hi there.
“你好。
I was just standing across the room, but couldn't help but notice that your glass is empty.
我只是站在房间对面，但忍不住注意到你的杯子是空的。
Can I buy you a drink?
我可以请你喝一杯吗？
I think I'll have whatever you're having."
我想你拥有的一切我都会拥有。”
This evening I was a Maze Elf.
今天晚上我是一个迷宫精灵。
Nothing is more boring than being a Maze Elf.
没有什么比当迷宫精灵更无聊的了。
Other Maze Elves address children and ask, "What do you want for Christmas?" But really, why should a child tell an elf?
其他迷宫精灵对孩子们问道：“圣诞节你想要什么？”但说实话，孩子为什么要告诉精灵呢？
Santa is who they've come to see.
圣诞老人是他们来看望的人。
And it seems pathetic for an elf to try to outshine Santa.
对于一个小精灵来说，试图超越圣诞老人似乎是可悲的。
After children have passed the dancing penguins, they don't care if they ever see another elf as long as they live.
当孩子们经过跳舞的企鹅之后，只要他们活着，他们就不在乎是否会看到另一个精灵。
The maze is overpopulated with elves.
迷宫里挤满了精灵。
This evening, I was stationed in the maze near the candy canes.
今天晚上，我驻扎在拐杖糖附近的迷宫里。
Children would pass, bored.
孩子们会无聊地过去。
And I'd say, How are you doing tonight?
我会说，你今晚过得怎么样？
What are you up to this evening?
今天晚上你打算做什么？
Good.
好的。
I'll have whatever you're having.
你有什么我都会有。
Terrific.
了不起。
I've met elves from all walks of life.
我见过各行各业的精灵。
The recession has hit New York very hard.
经济衰退对纽约造成了沉重打击。
Most of the other elves are show business people, but several of them had real jobs at advertising agencies and brokerage firms.
其他精灵大多数都是演艺界人士，但其中有几个在广告公司和经纪公司拥有真正的工作。
Bless their hearts.
祝福他们的心。
These people never in their wildest dreams figured there was a velvet costume waiting in their future.
这些人在他们最疯狂的梦想中从来没有想到有一件天鹅绒服装在他们的未来等待着。
They are the really bitter elves.
他们才是真正的苦涩精灵。
Most of the elves are young, high school and college students.
大多数精灵都是年轻人、高中生和大学生。
They're young and they're cute, and one of the job perks is that I get to see these people in their underpants.
他们很年轻，很可爱，工作的好处之一就是我可以看到这些人穿着内裤。
The overall cutest elf is a fellow from Queens named Richie.
最可爱的小精灵是来自皇后区的一个名叫里奇的小精灵。
His elf name is Snowball, and he tends to ham it up with the children, sometimes tumbling down the path to Santa's house.
他的小精灵名字叫雪球，他喜欢和孩子们一起玩耍，有时会沿着通往圣诞老人家的小路跌跌撞撞。
I generally gag when elves get that cute, but Snowball is hands-down adorable.
当精灵变得那么可爱时，我通常会作呕，但雪球无疑是可爱的。
You want to put him in your pocket.
你想把他放进你的口袋里。
Yesterday, Snowball and I worked as Santa Elves and I got excited when he started saying things like, "I'd follow you to Santa's house any day, Crumpet." It made me dizzy, this flirtation.
昨天，斯诺鲍和我扮演圣诞老人精灵，当他开始说“我随时都会跟着你去圣诞老人的房子，Crumpet”之类的话时，我很兴奋。这种调情让我头晕。
By mid-afternoon, I was running into walls.
到了下午三点左右，我已经碰壁了。
By late afternoon, Snowball had cooled down.
到了下午晚些时候，雪球已经凉下来了。
By the end of our shift, we were in the bathroom changing our clothes, and all of the sudden we were surrounded by five Santas and three other elves.
轮班结束时，我们正在浴室里换衣服，突然我们被五个圣诞老人和另外三个小精灵包围了。
All of them were guys that Snowball had been flirting with.
他们都是雪球曾经调情过的人。
Snowball just leads elves on, elves and Santas.
雪球只是带领精灵们前进，精灵们和圣诞老人们。
Later on, we were in the elevator and I heard him say to his friend, "I don't know what these guys all want with me.
后来，我们在电梯里，我听到他对他的朋友说：“我不知道这些家伙想和我做什么。
It gives me the creeps, the way they stare." Snowball is playing a dangerous game.
他们凝视的方式让我感到毛骨悚然。”雪球正在玩一场危险的游戏。
It's one thing to get a child fired up, but you really don't want to be working under a jilted Santa.
让孩子兴奋是一回事，但你真的不想在一个被抛弃的圣诞老人手下工作。
More of David Sedaris' "SantaLand Diaries" and Christmas Freud, in a minute, when our program continues.
当我们的节目继续时，稍后将介绍更多大卫·塞达里斯的“圣诞老人日记”和圣诞节弗洛伊德。
It's This American Life.
这就是美国生活。
I'm Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯。
The special Christmas edition of our program.
我们节目的特别圣诞版。
We continue with David Sedaris' "SantaLand Diaries."
我们继续大卫·塞达里斯的《圣诞老人日记》。
Out of all the Santas, two are black.
在所有圣诞老人中，有两个是黑人。
And both are so light-skinned that, with a beard and makeup, you'd never know they weren't white.
两人的肤色都很浅，留着胡子，化着妆，你永远不会知道他们不是白人。
Yesterday, a black woman got upset after, having requested a Santa of color, she was sent to Will.
昨天，一名黑人妇女在要求一位有色人种的圣诞老人后被送到威尔那里，她感到很不安。
"He's not black," the woman said.
“他不是黑人，”女人说。
We assured the woman that, yes, he was black.
我们向那位女士保证，是的，他是黑人。
And the woman said, "Well, he isn't black enough."
那女人说：“好吧，他还不够黑。”
Will is a difficult Santa, moody and unpredictable.
威尔是一位难相处的圣诞老人，喜怒无常，难以捉摸。
He spends a lot of time staring off into space.
他花了很多时间凝视太空。
When a boss tells Will that we need to speed things up, Will gets defensive and says, "Listen, I'm playing a role here.
当老板告诉威尔我们需要加快速度时，威尔会采取防御态度并说：“听着，我在这里扮演着一个角色。
Do you understand?
你明白吗？
A dramatic role that takes a great deal of preparation."
一个戏剧性的角色需要大量的准备。”
I was the Pointer Elf this afternoon when a woman approached me and whispered, "We would like a traditional Santa.
今天下午，当我是指针精灵时，一位女士走近我，低声说道：“我们想要一个传统的圣诞老人。
I'm sure you know what I'm talking about." I sent her to Will.
我确信你知道我在说什么。”我把她送到威尔那里。
Last Saturday, Snowball was the Pointer and a woman said, "Last year we had a chocolate Santa.
上周六，雪球是指示者，一位女士说：“去年我们有一位巧克力圣诞老人。
Make sure it doesn't happen again." Snowball sent her to Will.
确保不再发生这种情况。”雪球把她送到威尔那里。
I spent time at the Magic Window with an elf named Rita, a dancer who was in the process of making a video with her all-girl singing group.
我和一个名叫丽塔的精灵一起在“魔窗”度过了一段时光，她是一名舞者，正在与她的全女子歌唱团制作视频。
We talked about one thing and another, and she told me that she has appeared on a few soap operas.
我们谈论了一件事又一件事，她告诉我她出演过几部肥皂剧。
I asked if she had done One Life to Live and she said, yes.
我问她是否拍过《一生一世》，她说是的。
She had had a bit part as a flamenco dancer two years ago when Cord and Tina remarried and had their honeymoon in Madrid.
两年前，当科德和蒂娜再婚并在马德里度蜜月时，她曾担任过弗拉门戈舞者。
And suddenly, I remembered Rita perfectly.
突然间，我完美地记得丽塔。
I remember Cord and Tina's honeymoon like it was yesterday.
我记得科德和蒂娜的蜜月就像昨天一样。
Rita wore a red, lacy flamenco dress and stomped around the shiny nightclub floor, while Spain's greatest bullfighter challenged Cord to a duel.
丽塔穿着红色蕾丝弗拉门戈连衣裙，在闪亮的夜总会地板上跺着脚，而西班牙最伟大的斗牛士则向科德发起决斗挑战。
Rita said to Cord, "Don't do it, Senor.
丽塔对科德说：“别这么做，先生。
You would be a fool to fight with Spain's greatest bullfighter."
与西班牙最伟大的斗牛士战斗，你就是个傻瓜。”
Rita told me that Cord and Tina's honeymoon was filmed right here in New York, which surprised me.
丽塔告诉我，科德和蒂娜的蜜月是在纽约拍摄的，这让我感到惊讶。
I really thought they went to Spain.
我真的以为他们去了西班牙。
Rita told me that she performed her flamenco dance in the morning and then they broke for lunch.
丽塔告诉我，她早上表演了弗拉门戈舞，然后他们一起吃午饭。
She was in the One Life to Live cafeteria and Tina waved her over to her table.
她在“One Life to Live”自助餐厅里，蒂娜挥手让她到自己的餐桌旁。
Rita had lunch with Tina.
丽塔和蒂娜共进午餐。
She said Tina was very sweet, but all she talked about was her love for Smokey Robinson.
她说蒂娜很可爱，但她谈论的只是她对斯莫基·罗宾逊的爱。
Tina fell in love with Smokey Robinson in real life.
蒂娜在现实生活中爱上了斯莫基·罗宾逊。
She drove a wedge between Smokey and his wife, and left the show so that she you could move to Los Angeles and be with Smokey.
她离间了斯莫基和他的妻子，并离开了节目，这样她就可以搬到洛杉矶和斯莫基在一起。
I'd read that in the Soap Opera Digest, but it was thrilling to hear it from someone who knows the whole story.
我在《肥皂剧文摘》中读到过这句话，但从了解整个故事的人那里听到这句话真是令人兴奋。
Later I was working at the cash register, and Stephanie, one of the managers, told me that her friend, Carol, was the person responsible for re-casting on One Life to Live, replacing the old Tina with the new Tina.
后来我在收银台工作，其中一位经理斯蒂芬妮告诉我，她的朋友卡罗尔是负责《One Life to Live》重新选角的人，用新的蒂娜取代了旧的蒂娜。
I told Stephanie that I liked the new Tina.
我告诉斯蒂芬妮我喜欢新的蒂娜。
And she said, "Well, I'll tell my friend Carol.
她说：“好吧，我会告诉我的朋友卡罗尔。
She'll be happy to hear it."
她听到这个消息会很高兴的。”
Then Michael, another one of the managers, got involved, and told me he has been on One Life to Live seven times.
然后另一位经理迈克尔参与其中，并告诉我他已经参加过《One Life to Live》七次了。
He played Clint Buchanan's lawyer five years ago when half the Buchanan family was on trial for the murder of Mitch Laurence.
五年前，他扮演克林特·布坎南的律师，当时布坎南家族的一半人因谋杀米奇·劳伦斯而受审。
Michael knows Victoria Buchanan personally, and said she's just as sweet and caring in real life as she is on the show.
迈克尔认识维多利亚·布坎南，并说她在现实生活中和节目中一样可爱和贴心。
He said that Clint tends to keep to himself and that Bo is a lot of fun.
他说克林特倾向于独来独往，而博很有趣。
I can't believe I'm hearing these things.
我不敢相信我听到这些事情。
I know people who know Tina, Cord, Clint, and Vicky.
我认识认识蒂娜、科德、克林特和维姬的人。
I'm honing in.
我正在磨练。
I'm getting closer.
我越来越近了。
I can feel it.
我能感觉到。
Today, a child told Santa that he wanted his dead father back and a complete set of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
今天，一个孩子告诉圣诞老人，他想要死去的父亲回来，并想要一套完整的忍者神龟。
Everyone loves those turtles.
每个人都喜欢那些乌龟。
A child came to Santa this morning and his mother said, "All right, Jason.
今天早上，一个孩子来到圣诞老人身边，他的母亲说：“好吧，杰森。
All right.
好吧。
Tell Santa what you want.
告诉圣诞老人你想要什么。
Tell him what you want." Jason said, "I want Proctin and Gamble to stop animal testing." The mother said, "Procter, Jason.
告诉他你想要什么。”杰森说：“我希望宝洁公司停止动物试验。”母亲说：“普罗克特，杰森。
That's Procter & Gamble.
那是宝洁公司。
And what do they do to animals?
他们对动物做了什么？
Do they torture animals, Jason?
他们虐待动物吗，杰森？
Is that what they do?" Jason said, "Yes, they torture." He was maybe six years old.
他们就是这么做的吗？”杰森说：“是的，他们折磨人。”他当时大概六岁。
Tonight a man proposed to his girlfriend in Santa house number five.
今晚，一名男子在圣诞老人五号屋向女友求婚。
Santa asked what he wanted for Christmas and he pulled a ring out of his pocket and said that he wanted this woman to be his wife.
圣诞老人问他圣诞节想要什么，他从口袋里掏出一枚戒指，说他想要这个女人成为他的妻子。
The Photo Elf got choked up and started crying.
照片精灵哽咽并开始哭泣。
I got a new haircut and a few people complimented me, but it didn't register.
我换了新发型，有几个人称赞我，但我没有注意到。
I spend all day lying to people, saying, "You look so pretty," and "Santa can't wait to visit with you.
我整天对人们撒谎，说：“你看起来很漂亮”，“圣诞老人迫不及待地想拜访你。
You're all he talks about.
他谈论的都是你。
It's just not Christmas without you.
没有你的圣诞节就不是圣诞节。
You're Santa's favorite person in the entire tri-state area."
你是整个三州地区圣诞老人最喜欢的人。”
Sometimes I lay it on really thick.
有时我把它涂得很厚。
"Aren't you the princess of Rongovia?
“你不是龙戈维亚的公主吗？
Santa said that a beautiful princess was coming to visit him.
圣诞老人说有一位美丽的公主要来看望他。
He said she would be wearing a red dress and that she was very pretty, but not stuck up or two-faced.
他说她会穿一件红裙子，而且很漂亮，但不会自命不凡，也不会两面派。
That's you isn't it?" I lay it on and the parents mouth the words, "Thank you," and "Good job."
那是你不是吗？”我把它放在身上，父母嘴里说着“谢谢”和“干得好”。
To one child I said, "You're a model, aren't you?" The girl was maybe six years old and she said, "Yes, I model, but I also act.
我对一个孩子说：“你是一名模特，不是吗？”这个女孩大概六岁，她说：“是的，我是模特，但我也演戏。
I just got a second callback for a Fisher Price commercial." The girl's mother said, "You may recognize Katelyn from the My First Sony campaign.
我刚刚收到费雪广告的第二次回电。”女孩的母亲说：“你可能会在《我的第一个索尼》广告活动中认出凯特琳。
She's pictured on the box." I said, "Yes, of course." All I do is lie, and that has made me immune to compliments.
盒子上有她的照片。”我说：“是的，当然。”我所做的就是撒谎，这让我对赞美免疫。
This afternoon, I was stuck being Photo Elf for Santa Santa.
今天下午，我被困在圣诞老人的照片精灵中。
I don't know his real name.
我不知道他的真名。
No one does.
没有人这样做。
During most days, there's a slow period when you sit around the house and talk to Santa.
在大多数日子里，你会坐在房子周围与圣诞老人交谈，这会是一个缓慢的时期。
And most of them are nice guys, and we sit around and laugh.
他们中的大多数都是好人，我们坐在一起开怀大笑。
But Santa Santa takes himself a bit too seriously.
但圣诞老人对自己有点太认真了。
I asked him where he lives, Brooklyn or Manhattan.
我问他住在哪里，布鲁克林还是曼哈顿。
And he said, "Why, I live at the North Pole with Mrs. Claus." I asked what he does the rest of the year and he said, "I make toys for all the children." Santa Santa sits and waves and jingles his bell sash when no one is there.
他说：“哎呀，我和克劳斯太太住在北极。”我问他今年剩下的时间做什么，他说：“我为所有的孩子制作玩具。”当没人在场时，圣诞老人就会坐下来挥动铃铛并叮当作响。
He actually recited "The Night Before Christmas," and it was just the two of us in the house.
他实际上背诵了《圣诞节前夜》，屋子里只有我们两个人。
No children, just us.
没有孩子，只有我们。
He says, "Oh little elf, little elf.
他说：“哦，小精灵，小精灵。
Straighten up those mantel toys for Santa." I reminded him that I have a name, Crumpet, and then I straightened up the stuffed animals.
为圣诞老人整理好壁炉架上的玩具。”我提醒他我有一个名字，Crumpet，然后我把毛绒动物摆正。
"Oh little elf, little elf.
“哦，小精灵，小精灵。
Bring Santa a throat lozenge." So I brought him a lozenge.
给圣诞老人带来一片润喉糖。”所以我给他带来了一片含片。
Santa Santa has an elaborate little act for the children.
圣诞老人为孩子们准备了一场精心设计的小表演。
He'll talk to them and give a hearty chuckle and ring his bells.
他会和他们说话，开怀大笑，然后按响铃。
And then he asks them to name their favorite Christmas carol.
然后他让他们说出他们最喜欢的圣诞颂歌。
Most of them say "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer." Santa then asks if they'll sing it for him.
他们中的大多数人说“红鼻子驯鹿鲁道夫”。然后圣诞老人问他们是否愿意为他唱这首歌。
The children are shy and don't want to sing out loud.
孩子们很害羞，不愿意大声唱歌。
So Santa Santa says, "Oh little elf, little elf.
所以圣诞老人说：“哦，小精灵，小精灵。
Help young Brenda here sing that favorite carol of hers." Then I have to stand there and sing "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer," which I hate.
帮助年轻的布伦达唱她最喜欢的颂歌。”然后我必须站在那里唱我讨厌的《红鼻子驯鹿鲁道夫》。
Late in the afternoon, a child said she didn't know what her favorite Christmas carol was.
下午晚些时候，一个孩子说她不知道她最喜欢的圣诞颂歌是什么。
Santa Santa suggested "Away in a Manger." The girl agreed to it but didn't want to sing because she didn't know the words.
圣诞老人建议“离开马槽”。女孩同意了，但不想唱歌，因为她不认识歌词。
Santa Santa said, "Oh little elf, little elf.
圣诞老人说：“噢，小精灵，小精灵。
Come sing 'Away in a Manger' for us." It didn't seem fair that I should have to solo.
来给我们唱一首《远离马槽》吧。”我必须独自一人似乎不公平。
So I told Santa that I didn't know the words.
所以我告诉圣诞老人我不认识这些词。
Santa Santa said, "Of course you know the words.
圣诞老人说：“你当然知道这些话。
Come now.
现在来吧。
Sing." So I sang it the way Billie Holiday might have sang if she had put out a Christmas album.
唱歌吧。”所以我唱这首歌的方式就像比莉·哈乐黛（Billie Holiday）发行圣诞专辑时可能会唱的那样。
Away in a manger, no crib for a bed, the little Lord Jesus lay down his sweet head.
在没有婴儿床的马槽里，小主耶稣放下了他可爱的头。
This evening I was sent to be a Photo Elf in house number two.
今天晚上我被派去二号屋当摄影精灵。
The camera is hidden in the fireplace, and I take the picture by pressing a button on the end of a cord.
相机隐藏在壁炉中，我通过按下绳子末端的按钮来拍照。
Most elves will hold up a stuffed animal over the fireplace and say, "Look at my little animal friend and smile." Oftentimes, the parent will settle the child on Santa's lap and then start grooming.
大多数精灵都会在壁炉上方举起一个毛绒动物并说：“看看我的小动物朋友，微笑吧。”通常，父母会将孩子放在圣诞老人的腿上，然后开始梳理毛发。
I've seen mothers pull cans of hairspray from their pocketbooks and spray the child's hair as if Santa were a false prop made out of cement.
我见过妈妈们从口袋里掏出几罐发胶，喷在孩子的头发上，就好像圣诞老人是水泥做的假道具一样。
Hairspray shoots into Santa's eyes, and he winces in pain.
发胶射进了圣诞老人的眼睛，他痛苦地皱起了眉头。
Once a child starts crying, it's all over.
一旦孩子开始哭，一切就都结束了。
The parents had planned to send these pictures as cards or store them away until the child is grown and can lie, claiming to remember the experience.
父母原本计划将这些照片作为卡片寄出，或者将它们保存起来，直到孩子长大并可以撒谎，声称记得这段经历。
Tonight I saw a woman slap and shake her crying child.
今晚我看到一个女人拍打并摇晃她哭泣的孩子。
She yelled, "Rachel, get on that man's lap and smile, or I'll give you something to cry about." Then she sat Rachel on Santa's lap, and I took the picture, which supposedly means, on paper, that everything is exactly the way it's supposed to be, that everything is snowy and wonderful.
她喊道：“瑞秋，坐在那个男人的腿上微笑，否则我会给你一些让你哭泣的东西。”然后她让瑞秋坐在圣诞老人的腿上，我拍了这张照片，据说这意味着，在纸上，一切都完全是它应该的样子，一切都是白雪皑皑的，美妙的。
It's not about the child or Santa or Christmas or anything, but the parents' idea of a world they can not make work for them.
这与孩子、圣诞老人、圣诞节或其他什么无关，而是父母对一个他们无法为他们创造的世界的想法。
David Sedaris' "SantaLand Diaries" are published in his book Barrel Fever.
大卫·塞达里斯 (David Sedaris) 的《圣诞老人日记》发表在他的书《桶热》中。
His forthcoming book of stories is called Naked.
他即将出版的故事书名为《裸体》。
Act Three, Christmas Freud.
第三幕，圣诞节弗洛伊德。
Well, on the Upper East Side of New York City, the upscale department store Barney's has chosen an odd tactic for its Christmas decorations.
那么，在纽约市上东区，高档百货公司 Barney's 为其圣诞装饰选择了一种奇怪的策略。
Namely, they don't refer to Christmas.
也就是说，他们不是指圣诞节。
It's like an odd-- you know, you've got to respect that kind of contrarian streak.
这就像一种奇怪的现象——你知道，你必须尊重这种逆向思维。
Instead, each of their department store windows is dedicated to different famous people of the twentieth century, filled with memorabilia, pictures, video monitors, all sorts of images and colors and lights.
相反，他们的每个百货商店橱窗都专门展示了二十世纪的不同名人，充满了纪念品、图片、视频监视器、各种图像、颜色和灯光。
The subjects of the windows?
窗户的主题？
Frank Sinatra, the beat poets, great blonds of the 20th century, Martin Luther King, and Sigmund Freud.
弗兰克·辛纳屈 (Frank Sinatra)、垮掉派诗人、20 世纪伟大的金发女郎、马丁·路德·金 (Martin Luther King) 和西格蒙德·弗洛伊德 (Sigmund Freud)。
Only one of these windows has a live human being in it, and it's the Freud window.
这些窗户中只有一扇里面有一个活人，它就是弗洛伊德窗户。
The human being is a 30-ish bearded actor named David Rakoff.
这个人是一位 30 岁左右、留着胡须的演员，名叫大卫·拉科夫 (David Rakoff)。
I am the ghost of Christmas subconscious.
我是圣诞节潜意识的幽灵。
I am the anti-Santa.
我是反圣诞老人的人。
I am Christmas Freud.
我是圣诞弗洛伊德。
People tell me what they wish for.
人们告诉我他们的愿望。
I tell them the ways their wishes are unhealthy or wished for in error.
我告诉他们他们的愿望是不健康的或错误的愿望。
My impersonation merely involves me sitting in a chair either writing or reading The Times or The Interpretation of Dreams every Saturday and Sunday until Christmas.
我的模仿只是每周六和周日坐在椅子上写作或阅读《泰晤士报》或《梦的解析》，直到圣诞节。
I sit in a mock study facing Madison Avenue at 61st Street.
我坐在面向 61 街麦迪逊大道的模拟书房里。
My study has the requisite chair and couch.
我的书房有必要的椅子和沙发。
It's also equipped with a motorized track on which a video camera-wielding baby carriage travels back and forth, a slide projector, a large revolving black and white spiral, two hanging torsos, and about 10 video monitors that play Freud-related text and images.
它还配备了一个机动轨道，一辆携带摄像机的婴儿车在其上来回行驶，一台幻灯机，一个大型旋转黑白螺旋，两个悬挂的躯干，以及大约 10 个播放弗洛伊德相关文本和图像的视频监视器。
When I sit down in the chair for the first time, I'm suddenly horrified at the humiliation of this.
当我第一次坐在椅子上时，我突然对这种屈辱感到震惊。
And I have no idea how I'm going to get through four weekends sitting here on display.
我不知道我将如何度过坐在这里展出的四个周末。
And this role raises unprecedented performance questions for me.
这个角色给我带来了前所未有的绩效问题。
For starters, should I act as though I had no idea there were people outside my window?
首先，我应该表现得好像我不知道窗外有人吗？
I opt for covering my embarrassment with a kind of Olympian humorlessness.
我选择用一种奥林匹斯山的无幽默感来掩盖我的尴尬。
If they want twinkles, that's Santa's department.
如果他们想要闪烁，那是圣诞老人的部门。
I am gnawed at by two fears.
我被两种恐惧折磨着。
One, that I'm being upstaged by Linda Evans' wig in the blonds window.
第一，我被金发橱窗里琳达·埃文斯的假发抢了风头。
And two, that a car will suddenly lose control, come barreling through my window, and kill me, an ignoble end to be sure, a life given in the service of retail.
第二，一辆汽车会突然失去控制，冲破我的窗户，杀死我，这无疑是一个不光彩的结局，我的生命是为零售服务而赋予的。
Sometimes, for no clear reason, entire crowds make the collective decision not to breach a respectful six foot distance from the window.
有时，没有明确的原因，整个人群集体决定不离开窗户六英尺的距离。
Other times, they crowd in, attempting to read what I'm writing over my shoulder.
其他时候，他们会挤过来，试图越过我的肩膀阅读我正在写的东西。
I thank God for my illegible handwriting.
我感谢上帝赐予我潦草的字迹。
Easily half the people have no idea who I'm supposed to be.
很容易一半的人不知道我应该是谁。
They wave, as if Freud was Garfield the cat.
他们挥手致意，仿佛弗洛伊德是加菲猫。
Others snap photos.
其他人拍照。
The waves are the kind of tiny juvenile hand crunches one gives to something either impossibly young and tiny or adorably fluffy.
波浪就像是一种幼稚的小手嘎吱嘎吱的声音，人们对某种东西发出的声音，要么是难以置信的年轻和微小，要么是可爱的毛茸茸的。
"Oh, look.
“哦，你看。
It's Freud.
这是弗洛伊德。
Isn't he just the cutest thing you ever saw?
他不是你见过的最可爱的人吗？
Aw, I just want to bundle him up and take him home."
唉，我只是想把他裹起来带回家。”
There are also the folks who are more concerned with whether or not I'm real.
还有一些人更关心我是否真实。
This I find particularly laughable, since where on Earth would they make mannequins that look so Jewish?
我觉得这特别可笑，因为他们到底在哪里会制作看起来如此犹太人的人体模型？
My friend David came up yesterday, and was writing down what people were saying outside.
我的朋友大卫昨天来了，正在写下人们在外面说的话。
"He really looks like him, only younger." "Hey, that's a real guy." "He just turned the page.
“他真的很像他，只是更年轻。” “嘿嘿，这才是真正的男人啊。” “他刚刚翻过这一页。
Is he allowed to do that?" "Who is that, Professor Higgins?"
他可以这样做吗？” “希金斯教授，那人是谁？”
If psychoanalysis was late 19th century secular Judaism's way of finding spiritual meaning in a post-religious world and retail is the late 20th century's way of finding spiritual meaning in a post-religious world, what does it mean that I'm impersonating the father of psychoanalysis in a store window to commemorate a religious holiday?
如果精神分析是19世纪末世俗犹太教在后宗教世界中寻找精神意义的方式，而零售是20世纪末在后宗教世界中寻找精神意义的方式，那么我在商店橱窗里模仿精神分析之父来纪念宗教节日意味着什么？
In the window, I fantasize about starting an entire Christmas Freud movement.
在橱窗里，我幻想着开始一场完整的圣诞弗洛伊德运动。
Christmas Freuds everywhere, providing grownups and children alike with the greatest gift of all, insight.
圣诞弗洛伊德无处不在，为成人和儿童提供了最伟大的礼物：洞察力。
In department stores across America, people leave display window couches snifflingly and meaningfully whispering, "Thank you, Christmas Freud," shaking his hand fervently, their holiday angst, if not dispelled, at least brought into starker relief.
在美国各地的百货公司里，人们离开展示橱窗的沙发时，抽泣着，意味深长地低声说：“谢谢你，圣诞节弗洛伊德”，并热情地与他握手，他们的节日焦虑即使没有被驱散，至少也得到了更加明显的缓解。
Christmas Freud on the cover of Cigar Aficionado magazine.
圣诞节弗洛伊德登上《雪茄爱好者》杂志的封面。
Christmas Freud on Friends.
圣诞节弗洛伊德的朋友们。
People grumbling that-- here it is, not even Thanksgiving, and already stores are running ads with Christmas Freud's face asking the question, "What do women want for Christmas?"
人们抱怨说——就在这，甚至连感恩节都没有，商店里已经开始刊登带有圣诞节弗洛伊德面孔的广告，询问这样的问题：“女人想要什么圣诞节？”
If it caught on, all the stores would have to compete.
如果它流行起来，所有商店都必须竞争。
Bergdorf Goodman would leap into action with a C.
波道夫·古德曼 (Bergdorf Goodman) 会立即以 C 的方式采取行动。
G.
G。
Jung window, a near-perfect simulation of a bear cave.
荣格窗，近乎完美的熊洞模拟。
While the Melanie Klein window at Niketown would have them lined up six deep.
而 Niketown 的 Melanie Klein 橱窗则让他们排成六排。
And neighborhood groups would object to the saliva and constant bell ringing in the Baby Gap's B.
邻里团体会反对 Baby Gap 的 B 区的唾液和持续不断的铃声。
F.
F。
Skinner window.
斯金纳窗口。
There's an unspeakably handsome man outside the window right now, writing something down.
此刻，窗外有一个美得无法形容的男人，正在写着什么。
I hope it's his phone number.
我希望这是他的电话号码。
How do I indicate to the woman in the fur coat, in benevolent Christmas Freud fashion, of course, to get the hell out of the way?
当然，我该如何以仁慈的圣诞弗洛伊德风格向穿毛皮大衣的女人示意让开呢？
Then again, how does one cruise someone through a department store window?
话又说回来，一个人如何带领某人穿过百货商店的橱窗呢？
Should I press my own phone number up against the glass, like some polar bear in the zoo holding up a sign reading, "Help!
我是否应该把自己的电话号码按在玻璃上，就像动物园里的北极熊举着一块牌子，上面写着：“救命！
I'm being held prisoner"?
我被囚禁了？”
One day, I come up to the store for a photo op for a news story about the holiday windows of New York.
有一天，我来到商店为一则有关纽约假日橱窗的新闻报道拍照。
It is my 32nd birthday.
今天是我 32 岁生日。
I am paired with a little girl named Sasha.
我和一个名叫萨莎的小女孩配对。
It's her birthday, as well.
这也是她的生日。
She is turning 10.
她即将 10 岁了。
She is strikingly beautiful and appears in the upcoming Howard Stern movie.
她非常美丽，出现在即将上映的霍华德·斯特恩电影中。
She's to be my patient for the photographers.
她将成为我摄影师的病人。
In true psychoanalytic fashion, I make her lie down and face away from me.
以真正的精神分析方式，我让她躺下，背对着我。
I explain to her a little bit about Freud, and we play a word association game.
我向她解释了一些关于弗洛伊德的知识，然后我们玩了一个单词联想游戏。
I say, "Center." She responds, "Of attention." I ask her her dreams and aspirations for this, the coming 11th year of her life.
我说：“中心”。她回答说：“引起注意。”我问她对即将到来的人生第 11 年的梦想和愿望。
"To make another feature and to have my role on One Life to Live continue." She sells every word she says to me, smiling with both sets of teeth, her gem-like eyes glittering.
“制作另一部作品，让我在《One Life to Live》中的角色继续下去。”她对我说的每一句话都出卖了，她的两副牙齿都在微笑，宝石般的眼睛闪闪发光。
She might as well be saying, "crunchy" the entire time.
她还不如一直说“脆脆的”。
But she is charming.
但她很迷人。
I experience extreme countertransference.
我经历了极端的反移情。
I read a bit from The Interpretation of Dreams to her.
我给她读了一点《梦的解析》。
"Is this boring?" I ask.
“这很无聊吗？”我问。
"Oh, no. It's relaxing.
“哦，不，这很放松。
I've been working since 5 o'clock this morning.
我从今天早上五点就开始工作了。
Keep going." Even though her eyes are closed, she senses the light from the news cameras on her.
继续。”尽管她闭着眼睛，但她仍能感觉到新闻摄像机的光线照射在她身上。
She curls towards it like a plant and clutches her dolly in a startlingly un-childlike manner.
她像一棵植物一样向它卷曲，并以一种令人惊讶的非孩子气的方式抓着她的洋娃娃。
The glass of the window fairly fogs up.
窗户玻璃上起了雾。
My photo op with Sasha leads me to the decision to start seeing patients throughout my stint.
我和萨莎的合影使我决定在我的整个任期内开始看望病人。
I'm simply not man enough to sit exposed in a window doing nothing.
我根本就不够男人，不能坐在窗边无所事事。
It's too humiliating and too boring.
这太丢人了，也太无聊了。
My patients are all people I know.
我的病人都是我认识的人。
Perhaps it's because the couch faces away from both the street and myself that the sessions are surprisingly intimate.
也许是因为沙发背对着街道和我自己，所以会议出奇地亲密。
But it's more than that.
但还不止于此。
The window is, weirdly enough, very cozy, more like a children's hideaway than a fish bowl.
奇怪的是，窗户非常舒适，更像是一个孩子们的藏身处，而不是一个鱼缸。
Patients seemed to relax immediately upon lying down.
患者躺下后似乎立即放松下来。
T.
T。
beings the session laughing at the artifice, and ends it actually crying on the sofa.
会议开始时人们嘲笑这个诡计，最后却在沙发上哭泣。
Christmas Freud is prepared and hands him a handkerchief.
圣诞节弗洛伊德已经准备好了，递给他一块手帕。
J.
J。
has near-crippling tendinitis and wears huge, padded orthopedic boots.
患有近乎致残的肌腱炎，穿着巨大的带衬垫的矫形靴。
The people watching think it's a fashion statement.
观看的人认为这是一种时尚宣言。
She wears a dress from Loehmann's, but I treat her anyway.
她穿着洛曼的裙子，但我还是招待了她。
G., a journalist likes to talk with children and write about them.
G.，一名记者，喜欢与孩子们交谈并撰写有关他们的文章。
Perhaps that's why his shirt is irregularly buttoned.
也许这就是他衬衫扣子不规则的原因。
I'm told that a woman outside the window wondered aloud if I was an actual therapist.
有人告诉我，窗外的一个女人大声地想知道我是否是一名真正的治疗师。
I suppose there must be one in this town who would jeopardize his or her credibility in that way.
我想这个镇上一定有人会以这种方式危及他或她的信誉。
I've scheduled our next session for the window at Barney's.
我已将我们的下一次会议安排在 Barney's 的窗口。
I hope that's OK.
我希望没关系。
Huh, you seem really resistant.
呵呵，看来你真的很抗拒啊。
Do you want to talk about that?
你想谈谈这个吗？
A journalist is doing a story on the windows for The Times.
一名记者正在为《泰晤士报》的窗户做报道。
He asks me if this is a dream come true.
他问我这是不是梦想成真。
Well, it is a dream.
嗯，这是一个梦。
"It's logical," I reply.
“这是合乎逻辑的，”我回答道。
"One of my parents is a psychiatrist.
“我的父母之一是一名精神科医生。
And the other one is a department store window." He doesn't laugh at my joke, but it's half true.
另一个是百货商店的橱窗。”他没有笑我的笑话，但这有一半是真的。
One of my parents is a psychiatrist.
我的父母之一是一名精神科医生。
The other is an MD who also does psychotherapy.
另一个是医学博士，也从事心理治疗。
I've been in therapy myself, for seven years.
我自己也接受治疗七年了。
The difference between seeing a shrink and being a shrink is not only less pronounced than I imagined it might be, it feels intoxicating.
看心理医生和成为心理医生之间的区别不仅没有我想象的那么明显，而且感觉令人陶醉。
When my own therapist of seven years says, "I have a fantasy of coming by the window and being treated by you," I think, "Of course you do." I feel finally and blissfully victorious.
当我自己的七年治疗师说：“我幻想着来到窗前接受你的治疗，”我想，“你当然会这样做。”我终于感到了胜利的喜悦。
My father tells me a dream he had in which I have essentially analyzed and exposed him.
我父亲告诉我他做了一个梦，在这个梦中我基本上分析并揭露了他。
It's the only indication I've gotten from him so far that he is anything other than amused by what is, basically, a mockery of what he does.
到目前为止，这是我从他那里得到的唯一迹象，表明他对他所做的事情基本上是一种嘲弄，而不是感到好笑。
In a certain sense, I'm not just aping my father and my mother but also, in a way, their father, the man who spawned their profession.
从某种意义上说，我不仅在模仿我的父亲和母亲，而且在某种程度上，我也在模仿他们的父亲，那个孕育了他们职业的人。
And when I sit there, a patient on my couch, pipe in my mouth, listening, it feels so perfect.
当我坐在那里，一个病人坐在我的沙发上，嘴里含着烟斗，倾听时，感觉是如此完美。
Like any psychiatrist's kid, I know enough from growing up and from my own years on the couch to ask open-ended questions, to let the silences play themselves out or not, to say gently, "Our time is up," after 45 minutes.
就像任何精神科医生的孩子一样，我从成长过程中以及在沙发上度过的岁月中知道了足够的知识，可以提出开放式问题，是否让沉默自行展开，在 45 分钟后轻轻地说：“我们的时间到了”。
The charade feels real, the conclusion of an equation years in the making.
这个猜谜游戏感觉很真实，是一个酝酿多年的方程式的结论。
Even the media coverage for this escapade is extensive and strange.
就连媒体对这次越轨行为的报道也是广泛而奇怪的。
People from newspapers and television are asking me deep questions about the holiday, the nature of alienation at this time of year, things like that, as though I actually was Freud.
报纸和电视上的人们向我询问有关节日的深刻问题，一年中这个时候的疏离本质，诸如此类的问题，就好像我实际上是弗洛伊德一样。
It's disconcerting because, with very little effort, I could be drunk with the power.
这令人不安，因为只要付出很少的努力，我就会沉迷于这种力量。
But it also points out the O.
但它也指出了O.
Henry "Gift of the Magi" quality of it all.
亨利《麦琪的礼物》的品质尽在其中。
The media is so desperate for any departure from the usual holiday stories they have to turn out, they come flocking.
媒体迫切希望能有任何与平常假期故事不同的报道，因此他们蜂拥而至。
And yet, the public doesn't really even want to read about the holiday in the first place.
然而，公众一开始就根本不想阅读有关这个节日的信息。
It's like trying to jazz up a meal nobody wants to eat anyway.
这就像试图让一顿没人愿意吃的饭菜变得有趣一样。
I get a call from the store that Allen Ginsberg might be in the beats window on Sunday.
我接到商店的电话说艾伦·金斯堡周日可能会出现在 Beats 橱窗里。
And if he wants to, would I speak to him?
如果他愿意的话，我会和他说话吗？
"I have no sway over Mr. Ginsberg.
“我对金斯伯格先生没有影响力。
But if he has something he would like to talk about, I'm certainly available," I tell them.
但如果他有什么想谈的，我当然可以，”我告诉他们。
Not entirely true.
不完全正确。
I'm pretty well booked.
我已经订满了。
The whole Allen Ginsberg thing depresses me a bit.
整个艾伦·金斯堡的事情让我有点沮丧。
Then again, if he can see it as a cosmic joke, why can't I?
话又说回来，如果他能将其视为一个宇宙笑话，为什么我不能呢？
I feel indignant and very territorial.
我感到愤怒并且非常有领土意识。
Impostors only.
仅限冒名顶替者。
No real ones in the window.
窗户里没有真正的东西。
Anyway, it's moot.
无论如何，这是没有意义的。
He doesn't show up.
他没有出现。
There is a street fair outside that teams to have brought a decidedly scarier type of spectator.
外面有一个街头集市，队伍带来了明显更可怕的观众。
They are like the crowd at a carnival, and I'm the dog-faced boy.
他们就像狂欢节上的人群，而我就是那个狗脸男孩。
A grown woman sticks her tongue out at me.
一个成年女人向我伸出舌头。
Later, during a session, a man in his 50s presses his nose up against the window, getting grease on the glass, presses his ears up to hear, and screams things at me I cannot hear.
后来，在一次治疗中，一名 50 多岁的男子将鼻子贴在窗户上，玻璃上沾满了油脂，他竖起耳朵听，并向我尖叫着我听不到的声音。
When I leave after each stint, I put up a little glass sign that reads, "Freud will be back soon." It's like a warning, the post-modern version of "Christ is coming.
每次结束后离开时，我都会竖起一个小玻璃标牌，上面写着：“弗洛伊德很快就会回来。”这就像一个警告，是“基督即将来临”的后现代版本。
Repent." Freud will be back soon, whether you like it or not.
悔改吧。”不管你喜不喜欢，弗洛伊德很快就会回来。
Freud will be back soon.
弗洛伊德很快就会回来。
Stop deceiving yourselves.
别再欺骗自己了。
In the affluent downtown neighborhood in Toronto in which I was raised, someone had spraypainted on a wall "Mao lives," to which someone else had added, "here?" My window is a haven in Midtown.
在我长大的多伦多市中心富裕社区，有人在墙上喷漆了“毛泽东生活”，还有人在上面加上了“这里？”我的窗户是市中心的避风港。
I can sit there unmindful of the crush in the aisles of the store, the hour badly spent over gifts thoughtlessly and desperately bought.
我可以坐在那里，不去理会商店过道里拥挤的人流，把时间浪费在不加考虑和拼命购买的礼物上。
As I sit there I hear the songs that play for the display one window over, the blonds of the 20th century.
当我坐在那里时，我听到一扇窗户的显示屏上播放着 20 世纪的金发女郎的歌曲。
Doris Day singing "Once I Had a Secret Love." Mae West singing "My Old Flame." Marlene Dietrich singing "Falling in Love Again.
多丽丝·戴 (Doris Day) 演唱《曾经我有过一段秘密的爱》(Once I Had a Secret Love)。梅·韦斯特演唱《我的旧情人》。玛琳·黛德丽演唱《再次坠入爱河》。
As I listen, I feel that they're really referring to my window, to Freud.
当我听的时候，我觉得他们实际上指的是我的窗户，指的是弗洛伊德。
Every time they come up on the repeating tape, I find them almost unbearably poignant, with all their talk of clandestine love, erotic fixation, and painfully hidden romantic agenda.
每当他们出现在重复录音带中时，我都发现他们几乎令人难以忍受的辛酸，他们谈论的都是秘密爱情、色情迷恋和痛苦隐藏的浪漫议程。
But they might also just as easily be referring to this time of year, with the aching sadness and loneliness that seems to imbue everything.
但他们也可能很容易地指的是一年中的这个时候，痛苦的悲伤和孤独似乎弥漫在一切之中。
Where is that perfect object, that old flame, that secret love that eludes us?
那个完美的对象、那个旧情人、那个让我们难以捉摸的秘密爱情在哪里？
Unfindable, unpurchaseable.
找不到，买不到。
This is my final weekend as Christmas Freud, and I'm starting to feel bereft in anticipation of having to take down my shingle.
这是我作为圣诞节弗洛伊德的最后一个周末，我开始因期待不得不取下我的木瓦而感到失落。
I started off as a monkey on display and have wound up uncomfortably caught between joking and deadly serious, a persona that seems laughable at times, fated for me at others.
我一开始是一只被展示的猴子，最后却不安地夹在开玩笑和极其严肃之间，这个角色有时看起来很可笑，但在其他人看来，这对我来说是命中注定的。
I know this will pass, but for now I want nothing more than to continue to sit in my chair, someone on the couch, and to ask them, with real concern, "So tell me, how's everything?"
我知道这一切都会过去，但现在我只想继续坐在我的椅子上，沙发上的某个人，并真诚地关心地问他们，“那么告诉我，一切都好吗？”
[MUSIC - "CHRISTMAS FREUD CAROLING," THE FORMERLY KNOWN AS FAMILY]
[音乐 - “圣诞弗洛伊德颂歌”，以前称为家庭]
You know, I think we have time for one more act.
你知道，我想我们还有时间再表演一场。
Where's [?
[？
Jennan's ?] at?
詹南的？]在？
Woman See what it says on the box there.
女人 看看盒子上写的是什么。
It's 1966.
现在是 1966 年。
John's family taped everything, all the time, he says, including this Christmas when he was three.
约翰说，他的家人一直在录下一切，包括他三岁时的今年圣诞节。
What are you doing in there?
你在里面做什么？
Woman Sparky, get out of there.
斯帕奇女士，离开那里。
Look at that.
看看那个。
Isn't that really sweet?
这真的不是很甜蜜吗？
Oh boy.
噢，孩子。
Look at how nice.
看看多好啊
Woman How about that one?
女人 那一个怎么样？
Do you like it?
你喜欢吗？
John is John Connors, a Chicago DJ.
约翰是约翰·康纳斯 (John Connors)，芝加哥 DJ。
He provides a lot of the music for This American Life from his vast and strange record collection.
他从他庞大而奇怪的唱片收藏中为《This American Life》提供了很多音乐。
And on this, the third Christmas of his life, he is given exactly the present that he asked for, a close and play record player.
在他生命中的第三个圣诞节，他得到了他想要的礼物，一台可以近距离播放的电唱机。
This is [UNINTELLIGIBLE].
这是[无法理解]。
John's mother pulls out her camera to take a picture of him with his presents.
约翰的母亲拿出相机给他和礼物拍了一张照片。
Do you like it?
你喜欢吗？
Man John with his first phonograph.
约翰带着他的第一台留声机。
OK, baby.
好的，宝贝。
Smile pretty.
笑起来真好看
Man Well, now the bulb don't work.
伙计，现在灯泡坏了。
Are there any batteries in there?
里面有电池吗？
I just put new batteries in there.
我刚刚把新电池放在那里。
What the heck?
到底是什么？
Don't be spitting on them.
不要向他们吐口水。
You'll have lead poisoning.
你会铅中毒。
It deteriorates from there.
它从那里开始恶化。
Woman Ah, I'm disgusted with these cameras.
女人啊，我对这些相机感到厌恶。
I should have gotten a nice one from Santa Claus.
我应该从圣诞老人那里得到一件漂亮的礼物。
That's what I should have got.
这就是我应该得到的。
This right here?
就在这里吗？
This is what Christmas is all about.
这就是圣诞节的意义所在。
Everybody's posed, everybody's ready, everybody's straining to be happy, and everybody has this picture in their heads of the perfect Christmas.
每个人都摆好了姿势，每个人都准备好了，每个人都努力让自己快乐，每个人的脑海里都浮现出完美圣诞节的画面。
And of course, it is never going to be perfect.
当然，它永远不会完美。
It's never going to live up to that picture.
它永远不会辜负那张照片。
And so disappointment is built into the very structure of the day.
因此，失望就融入了这一天的结构之中。
And so the best you can hope for on Christmas-- and I say this as a Jew, somebody who has never celebrated the holiday, which makes me an outside observer, an impartial observer-- the best you can do is to ride the imperfections, hope they don't overtake everybody.
因此，你对圣诞节所能抱有的最大希望——我是作为一个犹太人，一个从未庆祝过圣诞节的人这么说的，这使我成为一个局外观察者，一个公正的观察者——你能做的最好的事情就是克服不完美，希望它们不会超越每个人。
In this tape from 1966, John's parents spent a lot of time trying to keep him from destroying a new train set the very first day he gets it.
在 1966 年的这盘磁带中，约翰的父母花了很多时间试图阻止他在收到新火车的第一天就毁掉它。
Half way, John.
一半了，约翰。
Half way.
一半了。
Oh!
哦！
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
[插话]
Three-year-old John runs the train so fast, it always crashes.
三岁的约翰坐火车跑得太快，总是撞车。
Well, don't turn it so fast, John.
好吧，别转得太快，约翰。
John, don't monkey with that.
约翰，别胡闹了。
[UNINTELLIGIBLE] over there.
[无法辨认]在那儿。
Ira Glass All day long, a perfect day wavers in and out of focus, for a while wobbling towards disaster.
艾拉·格拉斯 (Ira Glass) 一整天，完美的一天都时隐时现，有时甚至走向灾难。
Broken toys, hurt feelings, disappointment, and listing back towards happiness.
玩具坏了，感情受到伤害，失望，然后又重新走向幸福。
Our three-year-old DJ puts a 45 of "Winchester Cathedral" in his new record player and runs the trains as fast as he can.
我们三岁的 DJ 将 45 首《温彻斯特大教堂》放入他的新电唱机中，并尽可能快地运行火车。
Our program was produced today by Peter Clowney and myself, with Alix Spiegel and Nancy Updike.
今天我们的节目由彼得·克劳尼和我、阿利克斯·斯皮格尔和南希·厄普代克共同制作。
"Christmas Freud Caroling" by The Formerly Known As Family-- Bill O'Reilly, Kate O'Reilly, [?
《弗洛伊德圣诞颂歌》作者：以前的家庭——比尔·奥莱利、凯特·奥莱利，[？
Colum ?] O'Reilly, and Jenny Magnus.
科勒姆？]奥莱利和珍妮·马格纳斯。
For tapes of This American Life, call us at WBEZ in Chicago, 312-832-3380.
如需《This American Life》的磁带，请致电芝加哥 WBEZ，电话：312-832-3380。
[FUNDING CREDITS] David Rakoff Freud will be back soon.
[资金来源] 大卫·拉科夫·弗洛伊德很快就会回来。
Stop deceiving yourselves.
别再欺骗自己了。
I'm Ira Glass, back next week with more stories of This American Life.
我是艾拉·格拉斯，下周回来，带来更多《美国生活》的故事。
This American Life is produced in collaboration with WBEZ Chicago and delivered to stations by PRX The Public Radio Exchange.
《This American Life》与 WBEZ Chicago 合作制作，并由 PRX 公共广播电台传送到各电台。