446: Living Without (2011) - This American Life
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00:00 00:00 Transcript Share This American Life Life Partners How to Listen Episodes Recommended About Overview Staff Announcements Fellowships Jobs Music Make Radio On The Road FAQ Submissions Merch Contact Us Our Other Shows Merch Follow Us Life Partners Subscribe to our newsletter Full episode Toggle Audio and Transcript Sync Transcript | Episode #446 | September 16, 2011 446: Living Without (2011) Note: This American Life is produced for the ear and designed to be heard.
00:00 00:00 文字记录 分享此 美国生活 生活伙伴 如何收听 剧集 推荐 关于 概述 员工公告 奖学金 工作 音乐 在路上制作电台 常见问题解答 提交 商品 联系我们 我们的其他节目 商品 关注我们 生活伙伴 订阅我们的时事通讯 整集 切换音频和文字记录同步 文字记录 | 内容第 446 集 | 2011 年 9 月 16 日 446：生活没有（2011） 注：《美国生活》是为耳朵而制作的，旨在让人们听到。
If you are able, we strongly encourage you to listen to the audio, which includes emotion and emphasis that's not on the page.
如果可以的话，我们强烈建议您收听音频，其中包括页面上没有的情感和重点。
Transcripts are generated using a combination of speech recognition software and human transcribers, and may contain errors.
文字记录是使用语音识别软件和人工转录员结合生成的，可能包含错误。
Please check the corresponding audio before quoting in print.
请在印刷版引用前检查相应的音频。
Prologue Ira Glass Recently I was talking to this guy who told me how years ago, because of a medical condition, he had to give up beer.
序言 Ira Glass 最近我和一个人聊天，他告诉我几年前，因为身体状况，他不得不放弃啤酒。
He had only been a casual beer drinker before this.
在此之前，他只是偶尔喝点啤酒。
He'd never really given beer much thought.
他从来没有真正考虑过啤酒。
But now that he couldn't have a beer, he was thinking of beer all the time.
但现在喝不到啤酒了，他就一直想着啤酒。
He had a fantasy that went like this.
他有一个这样的幻想。
He goes into a bar and he orders a beer.
他走进一家酒吧，点了一杯啤酒。
That was the whole thing.
这就是整个事情的经过。
It's hard giving things up.
放弃一些东西是很难的。
Walter was three, and it was time for him to give up the pacifier.
沃尔特三岁了，是时候放弃奶嘴了。
The pacifier was impairing his speech, and so it was time to give it up.
安抚奶嘴妨碍了他的言语，所以是时候放弃它了。
And his mom and dad weaned him from it slowly.
他的妈妈和爸爸慢慢地让他戒掉了这个习惯。
First, he could only use the pacifier upstairs.
首先，他只能在楼上使用奶嘴。
Then only upstairs in his room.
然后就到了楼上他的房间。
Then only upstairs in his room, in the bed, though enforcement on the whole bed thing was actually kind of spotty.
然后只是在楼上他的房间里，在床上，尽管对整个床的执行实际上有点参差不齐。
Anyway, finally came the big day.
无论如何，重要的一天终于到来了。
Walter announced he was ready to get rid of the pacifier, and he threw it into the trash himself.
沃尔特宣布他准备扔掉奶嘴，然后他自己把它扔进了垃圾桶。
And everybody clapped, and everybody hugged him, and then they drove to a toy store and they got him some special presents.
每个人都鼓掌，每个人都拥抱他，然后他们开车去一家玩具店，给他买了一些特别的礼物。
A toy tree house, a teddy bear.
玩具树屋、泰迪熊。
And that first night, when it was time to sleep, Walter was brave.
第一个晚上，到了睡觉的时候，沃尔特很勇敢。
He was stoic.
他很坚忍。
He went right to bed.
他径直上床睡觉了。
And maybe-- I don't know-- five minutes passed before he was out of the bedroom and downstairs, crying.
也许——我不知道——五分钟过去了，他就走出卧室，下楼哭了。
"I'm really sad," he said.
“我真的很难过，”他说。
His mom and dad asked him if he wanted to play with his new toys for a while.
他的妈妈和爸爸问他是否想玩他的新玩具一段时间。
And he tried that and then went back to bed.
他尝试了一下，然后又回到床上。
More sobbing.
更加抽泣。
An hour passes.
一个小时过去了。
Two hours.
两个小时。
It breaks his parents' hearts.
这伤透了他父母的心。
Frankly, if they still had had the pacifier in the house, they would have caved and given it to him, it was so upsetting.
坦白说，如果他们家里还有奶嘴，他们就会屈服并把它给他，这太令人沮丧了。
But he had thrown it into the trash at his grandparents' house.
但他把它扔进了祖父母家的垃圾桶里。
It was gone.
它消失了。
And that night, for the first time in his life, Walter slept in his parents' bed.
那天晚上，沃尔特有生以来第一次睡在父母的床上。
It was the only way that he could actually get to sleep.
这是他真正能够入睡的唯一方法。
The next night was a little easier.
第二天晚上就轻松了一些。
The next a little easier than that.
接下来比这容易一点。
Anyway, after a couple of days, Walter announced the special request that he had for all the grown-ups in his life.
不管怎样，几天后，沃尔特宣布了他对他生命中所有成年人的特殊要求。
Grandmas and grandpas, uncles and aunts, the lady next door.
爷爷奶奶，叔叔阿姨，隔壁的女士。
He wanted to hear their stories about when they gave up their pacifiers.
他想听听他们放弃奶嘴的故事。
I told this to a friend of mine who gave up drinking a decade ago, how this little boy, Walter, wanted to hear these stories.
我告诉我的一个十年前戒酒的朋友，这个小男孩沃尔特多么想听这些故事。
And she said, man, that's just like AA.
她说，伙计，这就像 AA 一样。
Though the problem for Walter, of course, was that no adult really remembers giving up their own pacifier.
当然，沃尔特面临的问题是，没有成年人真正记得放弃自己的奶嘴。
It's just too long ago, right?
这只是太久以前的事了，对吧？
So everybody either talked about giving up other stuff that they did remember, like giving up their blankets as little kids.
所以每个人要么谈论放弃他们确实记得的其他东西，比如放弃小时候的毯子。
One auntie offered to talk to him about how she quit smoking.
一位阿姨提出要和他谈谈她是如何戒烟的。
But she was warned off that.
但她被警告不要这样做。
Or they just made up stories, dramatic stories about giving up their pacifiers to tell Walter.
或者他们只是编造故事，关于放弃奶嘴来告诉沃尔特的戏剧性故事。
It's comforting to hear other people's stories of kicking the habit.
听到其他人戒掉这个习惯的故事是令人欣慰的。
It's just comforting at any age.
无论在什么年龄，这都是令人安慰的。
It makes it feel like it's possible.
这让人感觉这是可能的。
And so this week, we bring you four stories of people giving things up, living without, some of them voluntarily, some not.
因此，本周，我们为您带来四个故事，讲述人们放弃某些东西、过着没有东西的生活，其中一些是自愿的，一些则不是。
From WBEZ Chicago, it's This American Life , distributed by Public Radio International.
来自芝加哥 WBEZ 的《This American Life》，由国际公共广播电台发行。
I'm Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯。
Act One of our program today, Do You Hear What I Hear?
我们今天的节目第一幕，你听到我听到的吗？
In that act, one man, one teenage daughter, and many, many fish.
在那一幕中，有一个男人、一个十几岁的女儿和很多很多鱼。
Act Two, Yerrrrr Out!
第二幕，Yerrrrr 出来！
The baseball story that no baseball player wants to tell.
没有棒球运动员愿意讲述的棒球故事。
Act Three, The Call of the Great Indoors, in which we hear a defense of living inside from somebody who can speak authoritatively about the pros and cons.
第三幕，《伟大的室内生活的呼唤》，我们听到一个能够权威地谈论室内生活的利弊的人对室内生活的辩护。
Act Four, Tin Man.
第四幕，铁皮人。
In that act, life without a heart.
在那一行为中，生活没有了心。
Stay with us.
留在我们身边。
Act One, Do You Hear What I Hear?
第一幕，你听到我听到的吗？
This is a story of being forced to give up one thing, and then giving up another by choice.
这是一个被迫放弃一件事，然后又选择放弃另一件事的故事。
Nubar Alexanian put it together with his daughter Abby.
努巴尔·亚历山大 (Nubar Alexanian) 和他的女儿艾比 (Abby) 将其放在一起。
You know, I didn't talk about it for a long time, because it's so abstract.
你知道，我很长一段时间都没有谈论它，因为它太抽象了。
It's like people can't imagine it.
简直让人无法想象。
[TONE] But then I'll be in a restaurant.
[语气]但是接下来我会去一家餐馆。
There's a loud din of people talking and dishes, and all that stuff going on in a restaurant.
餐馆里传来人们说话声和菜肴声，以及所有这些事情。
And somebody will ask me, how loud is it right now?
有人会问我，现在声音有多大？
And I'll often say, it's the loudest thing in the room.
我经常说，这是房间里最响亮的声音。
And people can't-- it's just incomprehensible to people that you could get used to a tone like that in your head all the time.
人们不能——人们无法理解你脑子里总是会习惯这样的语气。
See, like, I'm talking about it right now?
瞧，我现在正在谈论它？
It's really loud.
真的很大声。
[TONE] The very first doctor I saw was this young ear, nose, and throat guy.
[语气] 我见到的第一个医生是这个年轻的耳鼻喉科医师。
And he examined me.
他检查了我。
But he was examining me as if he were just going through the motions.
但他正在检查我，就好像他只是走过场一样。
He already knew what he was going to tell me.
他已经知道他要告诉我什么了。
So after all the examinations, he said, well, you have tinnitus, and there's no cure for it.
所以在所有检查之后，他说，好吧，你有耳鸣，而且没有治愈方法。
You're just going to have to learn to live with it.
你只需要学会忍受它。
And I thought, what are you talking about?
我想，你在说什么？
I can't learn to live with this.
我无法学会忍受这个。
And I went through 10 years of five other doctors, going to the high priests in Boston hospitals, to every alternative-- psychics-- you can possibly imagine.
我经历了 10 年的其他五位医生的治疗，拜访了波士顿医院的大祭司，接触了你能想象到的每一种替代方案——通灵术。
I mean, there's almost-- I don't think there's anything-- four or five different acupuncturists-- this one dentist said, well, I'm going to make you a mouth guard.
我的意思是，几乎——我不认为有什么——四五个不同的针灸师——这位牙医说，好吧，我要给你做一个护齿套。
He said, well, I'm sure this will work.
他说，好吧，我确信这会起作用。
It's going to cost $19,000.
它将花费 19,000 美元。
I did some muscle body work and some homeopathic remedies-- I had my entire jaw realigned by a dentist over a two year period.
我做了一些肌肉锻炼和一些顺势疗法——在两年的时间里，我让牙医重新调整了我的整个下巴。
And then we had things like this guy come in who spread these Petri dishes all over our house.
然后我们就遇到了这样的人，他把这些培养皿铺满了我们的房子。
So we had to install all these filtering systems in our house, and fans, and air cleaners, and dehumidifiers-- so I've spent, probably over 10 years, $7,000.
所以我们必须在家里安装所有这些过滤系统、风扇、空气净化器和除湿器——所以我可能花了 7,000 美元，大概 10 年多了。
I'm a photographer, and the first tone appeared around the same time that I started working on this book about musicians called Where Music Comes From.
我是一名摄影师，第一个音调出现的时间大约是在我开始创作这本关于音乐家的书《音乐从何而来》的同时。
And I travelled around the world with 25 different musicians.
我和 25 位不同的音乐家一起环游世界。
And all of a sudden, I had to stop.
突然之间，我不得不停下来。
First tone appeared at the beginning of the project, and then the second tone came, and the whole thing got so bad that my career just came to a stop.
第一个音调出现在项目开始时，然后第二个音调出现，整个事情变得如此糟糕，以至于我的职业生涯戛然而止。
I just couldn't travel.
我只是无法旅行。
I was completely disabled by these tones.
我完全被这些音调弄瘫痪了。
I'm going to try on the piano.
我要尝试弹钢琴。
I think what I have on my right ear is a D flat.
我认为我的右耳是降 D 调。
And in my left ear, a C, one octave lower.
在我的左耳中，是一个 C，低一个八度。
The right ear is a D flat, and the left ear is a C.
右耳为降D调，左耳为降C调。
The most maddening part of this was when I was with this friend of mine, this jazz musician.
最令人抓狂的部分是当我和我的一位爵士音乐家朋友在一起时。
And I described it to him.
我向他描述了这一点。
And he threw his head down in his hands on the table.
他低下头，双手撑在桌子上。
We were having lunch.
我们正在吃午饭。
And I could see in him that he completely understood how maddening it was.
我可以从他身上看出，他完全理解这有多么令人抓狂。
Because he understood that the D flat was always trying to resolve itself into the C.
因为他明白降 D 调总是试图将自己分解为降 C 调。
So can you play both of them at the same time?
那么可以同时玩这两个游戏吗？
I might be able to.
我也许可以。
Let's see.
让我们来看看。
Let me try this for a second.
让我尝试一下。
That well, as we've been doing this piece, I've been thinking.
好吧，当我们一直在做这个作品时，我一直在想。
It must-- I couldn't imagine having a tone in my ear-- especially like a pure tone-- tones that don't stop like that.
它一定——我无法想象我的耳朵里有一种音调——尤其是像纯音——不会像那样停止的音调。
So I can not even imagine what it must be like to have it all the time.
所以我什至无法想象一直拥有它会是什么样子。
Like you're trapped inside your own head.
就像你被困在自己的头脑里一样。
You're in a room with no doors and no windows, and just a speaker of that sound driving you literally up the walls.
你在一个没有门也没有窗的房间里，只有一个扬声器发出的声音简直要把你逼到墙上去。
I swear, I would cut my head off or something.
我发誓，我会砍掉我的头什么的。
I'd follow van Gogh's path and cut my ears off.
我会追随梵高的脚步，割掉我的耳朵。
Is this is an odd thing to say, you think?
你认为这是一件奇怪的事情吗？
I'm somewhat grateful for the tone.
我对这语气有些感激。
Of course, I don't feel grateful on bad days.
当然，在糟糕的日子里我不会感到感激。
But you know, before you were born, I used to travel constantly on assignment, all over the world.
但你知道，在你出生之前，我经常出差，到世界各地去。
And on good days, when I think about it, I think about the tone being a warning that I needed to slow down.
在美好的日子里，当我想到这一点时，我会认为这种语气是在警告我需要放慢速度。
And then you were born, and I thought, not only did I need to slow down, but I wanted to slow down.
然后你出生了，我想，我不仅需要慢下来，而且我想慢下来。
And on bad days, I feel like, oh, OK, I've learned this lesson.
在糟糕的日子里，我感觉，哦，好吧，我已经吸取了教训。
I've slowed down.
我放慢了速度。
Now the tone can go away.
现在音调可以消失了。
But it doesn't go away.
但它并没有消失。
[TONE] Abby I'm reading through this outline of all the tapes that we have.
[语气]艾比，我正在阅读我们拥有的所有磁带的大纲。
And you say, I could not imagine losing my hearing.
你说，我无法想象失去听力。
And I was like, well, wait a minute.
我当时想，好吧，等一下。
It's not that bad.
没那么糟糕。
And then I realize it's sort of the reverse.
然后我意识到情况正好相反。
I haven't really lived with perfect hearing ever, so I can't compare.
我从来没有真正拥有过完美的听力，所以我无法比较。
But I just thought it was interesting that you couldn't imagine losing your hearing, and I could not imagine having tinnitus.
但我只是觉得有趣的是，你无法想象失去听力，我也无法想象有耳鸣。
Do you remember when you got your hearing aid?
您还记得您何时获得助听器吗？
No. Nubar Alexanian Do you want to hear what happened?
不，Nubar Alexanian 你想听听发生了什么吗？
OK.
好的。
Nubar Alexanian I mean, because for Mom and I, it was like a huge event.
我的意思是，努巴尔·亚历山大 (Nubar Alexanian)，因为对于我和妈妈来说，这就像一件大事。
Because you'd gone through all of the tests.
因为你已经通过了所有的测试。
And we had discovered that you indeed had a hearing loss, and that they were going to fit you with a hearing aid.
我们发现你确实有听力损失，他们将为你配备助听器。
And before that, you kept saying "what" all the time.
在那之前，你一直在说“什么”。
And there were certain words that you couldn't pronounce, or certain sounds that you obviously were missing.
还有某些单词你无法发音，或者某些声音你显然错过了。
And that's what the audiologist and the doctors described to us.
这就是听力学家和医生向我们描述的。
So we went down to Beverly Hospital.
所以我们去了贝弗利医院。
And Mom and I were sitting in the room.
我和妈妈坐在房间里。
And she put the hearing aid in your ear, and turned it on, and made all the adjustments.
她把助听器放在你的耳朵里，打开它，并进行了所有的调整。
And then you slid off the chair and said, "Oh my god!
然后你从椅子上滑下来，说道：“天啊！
I can hear."
我能听到。”
But sometimes I wonder what it would be like to hear everything perfectly.
但有时我想知道完美地听到一切会是什么样子。
You know?
你知道？
Like to have that entire sound, every, like, aspect of someone's voice.
喜欢拥有完整的声音，喜欢某人声音的每一个方面。
Or music.
或者音乐。
Every note, to hear every single one.
每一个音符，聆听每一个音符。
Would be incredible to me.
对我来说将是难以置信的。
And I don't know what that would be like.
我不知道那会是什么样子。
I've never known what that would be like.
我从来不知道那会是什么样子。
Let's just talk about-- you transcribed my hearing test, where you got to actually hear the sound that's in my ear?
让我们谈谈——你转录了我的听力测试，你必须在哪里真正听到我耳朵里的声音？
I can't hear one of the tones that you hear.
我听不到你听到的任何一种声音。
So you didn't hear the tone in my right ear?
那么你没有听到我右耳里的声音吗？
No. I couldn't hear the high one.
不，我听不到高音。
Because I'm missing that in my-- that's part of my hearing loss.
因为我的听力缺失了这一点。
I'm missing that particular frequency in both my ears.
我的双耳都听不到那个特定的频率。
So you can't hear the sound-- Abby I can't hear the sound that you hear all the time.
所以你听不到声音——艾比，我听不到你一直听到的声音。
I can't be in quiet places.
我不能呆在安静的地方。
It can be really maddening to be in quiet places.
在安静的地方真的会让人抓狂。
It's the thing, though, that I think is responsible for me taking up fly fishing, because it's the closest I can get to quiet.
不过，我认为这正是我开始飞钓的原因，因为这是我能最接近安静的地方。
You know, I'm out there, it's early morning, it's dark.
你知道，我在外面，现在是清晨，天很黑。
I'm in my boat.
我在我的船上。
I push off into the current.
我推入潮流。
Don't start the engine.
不要启动发动机。
The river is waking up, and there are little sounds of birds and stuff going on.
河水苏醒了，几乎听不到鸟鸣之类的声音。
And then there's me with my fly line, going back and forth and back and forth.
然后我就带着我的飞线，来来回回。
And I'm focusing on the fly line, trying to get it out 100 feet.
我专注于飞线，试图将其飞出 100 英尺。
And there is a sound that it makes that I can sort of attach to.
它发出的声音让我有点依恋。
And so I'm really focused on that, and it takes me away from the sound in my head.
所以我真的很专注于此，它让我远离了脑海中的声音。
And that's what quiet is to me.
这就是安静对我来说的意义。
That's the most quiet that I can have.
这是我能拥有的最安静的时刻。
Just that I think maybe it's taught you patience.
只是我想也许它教会了你耐心。
Because I didn't know you before you had this, so I wouldn't know.
因为在你有这个之前我不认识你，所以我不知道。
But I would think that it might have taught you something about settling or acceptance.
但我认为它可能教会了你一些关于安定或接受的事情。
Because I remember you told us this story about how you went to all these doctors.
因为我记得你给我们讲过你如何去找所有这些医生的故事。
But the first doctor you went to told you there's no cure.
但你去看的第一位医生告诉你无法治愈。
You couldn't do anything.
你什么也做不了。
And so you spent tons of money seeing a whole bunch of other doctors, who tried a whole bunch of other things.
所以你花了很多钱去看了很多其他医生，他们尝试了很多其他的方法。
And finally, you just realized that the first doctor was right.
最后，你意识到第一位医生是对的。
And I guess that was probably your acceptance part of it.
我想这可能是你接受它的一部分。
And it's also that you were working so frantically before, and then you got tinnitus, and you had to stop.
还有就是你之前工作得那么疯狂，然后就出现了耳鸣，不得不停下来。
And I got more of you.
我得到了更多的你。
Because I do you remember you traveling a lot.
因为我记得你经常旅行。
And I remember how much you were gone.
我还记得你离开了多久。
And I remember asking Mom when you'd come home.
我记得我问妈妈你什么时候回家。
But then you came, and you stayed home, and you played with me, and you took me to school every day.
但后来你来了，你呆在家里，和我一起玩，你每天送我去学校。
And I think that was really good for the family.
我认为这对家庭来说确实有好处。
Nubar and Abby Alexanian.
努巴尔和艾比·亚历山大。
They put together that story with Jay Allison for the website Transom.org.
他们与 Jay Allison 一起将这个故事整理到 Transom.org 网站上。
If you want to learn how to put together a radio story, they explain how to do it at Transom.org.
如果您想学习如何编写广播故事，他们会在 Transom.org 上解释如何操作。
This story got funding from the Corporation for Public Broadcasting.
这个故事得到了公共广播公司的资助。
Act Two, Yerrrrr Out!
第二幕，Yerrrrr 出来！
At first you don't really think about it, Bobby says.
起初你并没有真正考虑过这一点，鲍比说。
He got drafted to play professional baseball for the Cubs, was sent to the minor leagues, like most players are.
他被选入小熊队打职业棒球，然后像大多数球员一样被送到小联盟。
And for the first two years, he says, you don't wonder if you're going to make it.
他说，在最初的两年里，你不会怀疑自己是否能成功。
You know you're going to make it.
你知道你会成功的。
For one thing, the evidence is everywhere.
一方面，证据无处不在。
You see it all the time.
你经常看到它。
You're in double A, or even in A ball, and somebody does get the call.
当你处于双 A 状态，甚至处于 A 球状态时，确实有人接到了电话。
We had a shortstop when I was with the Reds.
当我在红军效力时，我们有一名游击手。
His name was Travis Dawkins.
他的名字叫特拉维斯·道金斯。
His nickname was Gookie Dawkins.
他的绰号是古基·道金斯。
And Barry Larkin got hurt in the big leagues.
巴里·拉金（Barry Larkin）在大联盟中受伤了。
And the phone call came in to the manager's office.
然后电话就打进了经理办公室。
And the buzz-- all of a sudden, this buzz started taking over the clubhouse.
突然间，这种嗡嗡声开始占领俱乐部会所。
And it was about Gookie.
这是关于古基的。
Gookie is going to the show.
古奇要去看演出。
And I remember him cleaning out his locker, getting ready to get on the next flight to Cincinnati.
我记得他清理了他的储物柜，准备搭乘下一班飞往辛辛那提的航班。
So he's your buddy.
所以他是你的朋友。
And you're watching him clean out his locker to go.
你正在看着他清理他的储物柜准备离开。
Yeah.
是的。
And that has happened quite a bit.
这种情况已经发生了不少。
Quite a bit.
相当多。
By his third year, out of the 52 guys Bobby was drafted with, only 15 were still playing ball.
到了第三年，鲍比被选中的 52 名球员中，只有 15 人还在打球。
In his fourth year he was traded.
在他的第四年，他被交易了。
By his seventh year, he was sitting on the bench a lot.
到了第七年，他就经常坐在板凳上。
And then he broke his wrist, had a hard time finding a team who would pick him up.
然后他手腕骨折了，很难找到愿意接他的球队。
And I think I was pretty rusty.
我觉得我已经很生疏了。
And I was pretty discouraged.
我非常沮丧。
I really thought that the time might be sooner than later than I was out of the game.
我真的认为我迟早会被淘汰。
There were quite a bit of people that said, is this it?
很多人都说，是这个吗？
Can you go back?
你能回去吗？
And the questions started coming, and more regularly as I continued to play.
随着我继续玩，问题开始出现，而且越来越频繁。
How would people say it?
人们会怎么说呢？
Were they sheepish about it, or they just didn't even know to be sheepish about it?
他们是对此感到羞怯，还是他们根本不知道对此感到羞怯？
I wish they were sheepish about it, frankly.
坦率地说，我希望他们对此感到羞怯。
It's frustrating when people would ask-- I was always very uncomfortable when people would ask me those type of questions.
当人们问我这类问题时，我总是感到非常不舒服。
But then his season improved.
但随后他的赛季有所改善。
He actually went on a kind of streak.
他实际上连续不断。
I had a few games in particular where I thought, I can do this.
我在一些比赛中特别认为我可以做到这一点。
I'm a major league ballplayer.
我是一名美国职业棒球大联盟球员。
I can swing a baseball bat with anybody who plays the game.
我可以和任何玩这个游戏的人一起挥动棒球棒。
I had one game in particular, I think I was four for five, and hit two home runs, and knocked in seven runs.
我特别打了一场比赛，我认为我五投四中，打出了两个本垒打，并击出了七分。
And when you get on those hot streaks, those are times when you really think, I'm right there.
当你的状态火热时，你就会真正想到，我就在那里。
You know?
你知道？
Somebody goes down.
有人倒下。
They need a good left-handed hitter off the bench.
他们需要一名优秀的替补左手击球手。
I've got a phone call tomorrow.
明天我有电话。
And that's what keeps somebody going in this situation.
这就是让某人在这种情况下继续前进的原因。
There had always been so much proof, you know?
一直以来都有很多证据，你知道吗？
He had been a high school star, an all-state, and a college star, and all Big Ten.
他曾是一名高中明星、全州明星、大学明星，以及十大联盟明星。
And his brother, Hal Morris, was playing for the Reds.
他的兄弟哈尔·莫里斯正在为红军效力。
And it's like what happens in a casino.
这就像赌场里发生的事情一样。
You win enough of the time to keep you going, to keep you in the game.
你赢得了足够的时间来让你继续前进，让你继续参与游戏。
It feels like the big win is right around the corner.
感觉大胜利就在眼前。
What got Bobby to finally quit was that that vision of his future was replaced with a different vision of who he might become.
让鲍比最终放弃的原因是，他对未来的愿景被对他可能成为的人的不同愿景所取代。
At the beginning of his 10th year, he couldn't get onto an affiliated team.
在他的第10个年头，他无法进入附属球队。
He went to the independent leagues, a step down.
他去了独立联盟，降级了。
And when he showed up for spring training and looked around at the other guys, he thought to himself, he was seeing a lot of guys who had hung on for too long.
当他参加春训并环顾四周的其他球员时，他心想，他看到了很多坚持了太久的球员。
And he wondered if that's who he was becoming.
他想知道他是否会成为这样的人。
And during one of their very first practice games, he suddenly found he'd decided.
在他们的第一场练习赛中，他突然发现自己已经决定了。
My last at bat.
我最后一次击球。
I know I got three at bats.
我知道我击球数为三。
I ground it out to second base, and I did know.
我把球打到二垒，我确实知道。
I knew that was it.
我知道就是这样。
Certainly.
当然。
I think the moment the ball was off my bat, I had a thought that this might be the last one.
我想当球离开我的球棒的那一刻，我就想到这可能是最后一个。
And I ran by.
我跑过去。
The throw beat me by a couple of steps.
那次投掷使我落后了几步。
And I kept running as far as I can through the bag.
我继续尽可能地穿过袋子。
And I just kind of kept going out to the outfield a little bit.
我只是不断地去外场。
I remember thinking after, as I'm decelerating down the baseline, just thinking, well, if this is my last one, it's kind of apropos, because I gave it everything I had.
我记得当我在基线上减速时，我想，好吧，如果这是我的最后一次，那就合适了，因为我已经付出了我所拥有的一切。
I ran down to first with everything I had.
我用尽全力跑到了第一名。
And it just wasn't enough to get me there in time.
但这还不足以让我及时到达那里。
For years, he had been wrestling with his decision.
多年来，他一直在为自己的决定而苦苦挣扎。
And then it was done.
然后就完成了。
He went to the batting cage, he hit for a while, and then he told his coaches.
他去了击球笼，打了一会儿，然后告诉了他的教练。
What was it like for you after you decided?
当你决定之后，你的感受如何？
It was very difficult.
这是非常困难的。
I would say that there was a prolonged grieving process.
我想说，这是一个漫长的悲伤过程。
It was tough.
这很艰难。
For years, I still wanted to tell people-- when they asked, what do you do-- I'd say, I'm a baseball player.
多年来，我仍然想告诉人们——当他们问你做什么的时候——我会说，我是一名棒球运动员。
That was just how I identified myself.
这就是我识别自己的方式。
And when all that was done, when that final realization was there, it was like the amputated leg.
当这一切完成后，当最终的认识出现时，它就像被截肢一样。
I still felt it afterwards for a long time.
事后很长一段时间我仍然有这种感觉。
No. I wouldn't watch any baseball for a good year and a half after I left.
不，我离开后的一年半时间里我都没有再看任何棒球比赛。
I didn't watch any in 2002.
2002年的时候我没看过。
And frankly, I don't think I watched any in 2003.
坦白说，我想我在 2003 年没有看过任何一部。
I went back, and my dad still liked to watch baseball.
我回去了，我爸爸仍然喜欢看棒球。
And we'd put the Cubs game on.
我们还会播放小熊队的比赛。
And after about a half an inning or an inning, I'd see a lot of guys I played with or played against.
大约半局或一局后，我会看到很多与我一起比赛或对阵的人。
And I stopped.
我停了下来。
Go downstairs and do something else.
下楼去做点别的事吧。
It was very difficult.
这是非常困难的。
You see these players.
你看到这些球员了。
You want to play the if game and the if-then.
你想玩“如果”游戏和“如果-那么”游戏。
And this guy is not as good as I am, and why is he there?
而且这个家伙还不如我，他为什么会出现在那里？
Now, I'm absolutely fine with it.
现在，我完全同意了。
But for years, I didn't want anything to do with baseball.
但多年来，我不想与棒球有任何关系。
See, I think one of the things that would be hard in your situation is if you have this dream and this identity that's driving you for so long, and from such a young age, it's sort of like you can't replace something with nothing.
你看，我认为在你的情况下，困难的一件事是，如果你有这个梦想和这个身份，它驱使你这么长时间，而且从这么年轻的时候开始，这有点像你无法用什么都取代某些东西。
You've got to replace something with something else.
你必须用别的东西代替一些东西。
Absolutely.
绝对地。
You know, I'm a commodities trader.
你知道，我是一名大宗商品交易员。
And one of the things I love about what I do is the day in, day out process is the same.
我喜欢我所做的事情之一就是日复一日的过程都是一样的。
You fall into routines.
你陷入了例行公事。
You get up early.
你起得很早。
I watch Bloomberg every morning for 15 minutes before I go take a shower.
我每天早上洗澡前都会看彭博社 15 分钟。
And then I've got a routine that I read the newspaper on the way to the office.
然后我有一个惯例，就是在去办公室的路上看报纸。
When I'm in the office, I prepare for the day in the same way.
当我在办公室时，我也会以同样的方式为这一天做准备。
And then it's another highly competitive, dog-eat-dog world.
然后这是另一个竞争激烈、你死我活的世界。
And I like that.
我喜欢这样。
And also you know when you've won.
而且你也知道什么时候你赢了。
You know when you've lost.
当你输了的时候你就知道了。
There is a tally at the end of the day.
一天结束时会有一个统计。
You have your stats.
你有你的统计数据。
Absolutely.
绝对地。
Absolutely.
绝对地。
And I just am able to have that same tunnel vision like I did when I played.
我只是能够像我打球时一样拥有狭隘的视野。
Guys are always amazed that when I first got into the trading business, I would come in at 2:00 in the morning when the European markets closed.
大家总是感到惊讶，当我第一次进入交易行业时，我会在欧洲市场收盘时的凌晨 2:00 开始工作。
And I would sometimes trade until 3:00, 4:00 in the afternoon.
我有时会交易到下午3:00、4:00。
I'd sit down there for 14 straight hours and trade.
我会连续 14 个小时坐在那里进行交易。
I love the concentration.
我喜欢浓度。
I love having to focus and having to be on top of your game every day.
我喜欢每天都必须保持专注并处于领先地位。
Because I had to do something like that.
因为我必须做这样的事情。
I had to do something where there were stakes at hand, and that there was winning and there was losing.
我必须做一些有赌注的事情，有赢有输。
Bobby Morris.
鲍比·莫里斯。
He and I recorded that interview back in 2005.
他和我在 2005 年录制了那次采访。
He spent another few years after that as a full-time commodities trader in Chicago.
此后，他又在芝加哥担任了几年全职商品交易员。
Then in 2007, he left the city and moved back to his home state of Indiana.
然后在 2007 年，他离开了这座城市，搬回了家乡印第安纳州。
He still works as a trader part-time.
他仍然兼职做交易员。
But a few years ago, Bobby went back to baseball, this time in a new way, working with kids.
但几年前，鲍比重返棒球界，这次是以一种新的方式，与孩子们一起工作。
He's a teacher at the White Sox Youth Academy and a coach for competitive travel teams.
他是白袜队青年学院的老师，也是竞技旅行队的教练。
Focusing on the young players, he says, on helping them improve, watching them improve, helped him remember what he loved about baseball in the first place.
他说，关注年轻球员，帮助他们进步，看着他们进步，帮助他记住他最初对棒球的热爱。
He says he's enjoying the game for the first time in years.
他说这是多年来他第一次享受到这项运动的乐趣。
Act Three, The Call of the Great Indoors.
第三幕，伟大室内的呼唤。
There are some kinds of living without that is really hard for most of us to fathom.
对于我们大多数人来说，没有它的某些生活方式确实很难理解。
In Boston, Chelsea Merz has been talking with somebody about one of those.
在波士顿，切尔西·梅尔兹一直在与某人谈论其中之一。
The first thing I noticed about Matthew were his fingernails.
我注意到马修的第一件事是他的指甲。
They're so clean, much cleaner than mine.
他们真干净，比我的干净多了。
And I am humbled.
我很谦卑。
I have no excuse.
我没有任何借口。
Unlike Matthew, I have not been living on the streets for seven years.
与马修不同，我已经七年没有流落街头了。
Every Saturday, we meet for lunch at Bertucci's, which is this family style Italian restaurant.
每个星期六，我们都会在 Bertucci's 共进午餐，这是一家家庭风格的意大利餐厅。
Every week we sit at the same table.
每周我们都坐在同一张桌子旁。
And every time, our waitress assures us that we've made it in time for the lunch special.
每次，我们的女服务员都会向我们保证，我们已经及时做好了特价午餐。
We will get free refills on soft drinks, a complimentary garden salad, and a basket of rolls.
我们将免费续杯软饮料、免费花园沙拉和一篮面包卷。
One time, Matthew showed up 20 minutes late.
有一次，马修迟到了 20 分钟。
And the manager was giving him a hard time.
经理也为难他。
He was saying, you better make it up to her and buy lunch today.
他是在说，你最好补偿她，今天买午餐。
And when we got to our table, Matthew was laughing.
当我们到达餐桌时，马修正在笑。
And he said, he doesn't know I'm homeless.
他说，他不知道我无家可归。
He has no idea.
他不知道。
And even though Matthew is carrying a large cardboard box, a messenger bag, and two bookbags, he looks more like a college professor.
尽管马修背着一个大纸箱、一个邮差包和两个书包，但他看起来更像是一位大学教授。
He's clean.
他很干净。
He's tidy.
他很整洁。
He's organized.
他很有组织性。
He is incredibly polite.
他非常有礼貌。
Every week Matthew tells these stories.
马修每周都会讲述这些故事。
So every week I record him.
所以每周我都会记录他。
There was this time.
有一次。
It rained nonstop.
雨下个不停。
And when that happens, the shelters just fill up.
当这种情况发生时，避难所就会被填满。
And there were like 10 of us waiting for two hours.
我们大概有10个人等了两个小时。
Eventually people start talking.
最终人们开始说话。
Oh, where were you yesterday, when it started raining?
哦，昨天开始下雨的时候你在哪里？
Oh, I was over here.
哦，我在这儿。
Did you get in somewhere last night?
昨晚你到过什么地方吗？
No, I was outside.
不，我当时在外面。
Or I went under a bridge.
或者我走到桥下。
So everybody's talking about these things.
所以每个人都在谈论这些事情。
And one guy in the room was very quiet.
房间里有一个人非常安静。
Someone started talking to him.
有人开始和他说话。
What did you do?
你做了什么？
What did you do yesterday?
你昨天做了什么？
He has this very thick Spanish accent and doesn't speak English very well.
他有很浓的西班牙口音，而且英语说得不太好。
He told us he didn't know Boston at all.
他告诉我们他根本不了解波士顿。
He had just arrived from New York.
他刚从纽约来。
He didn't know the streets.
他不熟悉街道。
He didn't know where to go.
他不知道该去哪里。
And when it came time-- what about you?
当时间到了——你呢？
Where did you stay?
你住在哪里？
"Alley." The alley?
“胡同。”小巷？
Oh, just the next block?
哦，就在下一个街区吗？
"Yeah, one block.
“是的，一街区。
One block." You only got as far as one block, and then you went into the alley.
一街区。”你只走了一个街区，然后就走进了小巷。
"Si, si." Oh, wow.
“嘶，嘶。”哦，哇。
So where did you sleep in the alley?
那么你睡在巷子里的什么地方呢？
Was there any place you could sleep underneath or something?
下面有什么可以睡觉的地方吗？
He said something like "box."
他说了类似“盒子”之类的话。
Box?
盒子？
You slept in a box?
你睡在盒子里吗？
"Si, si." Well, a cardboard box?
“嘶，嘶。”嗯，一个纸板箱？
Wouldn't it be soaking wet?
不会被淋湿吗？
"Not cardboard.
“不是纸板。
Metal." Metal?
金属。”金属？
You slept in a metal box?
你睡在金属盒子里吗？
And someone said, oh, a dumpster.
有人说，哦，垃圾箱。
You slept in a dumpster.
你睡在垃圾箱里。
"No, no."
“不，不。”
Did you get any sleep?
你睡了吗？
"No, no. No sleep.
“不，不，睡不着。
I was afraid." Afraid?
我很害怕。”害怕的？
You were afraid.
你害怕了。
"Si, si." What were you afraid of, that somebody might come and beat you up, mug you?
“嘶，嘶。”你害怕什么，害怕有人过来打你、抢劫你？
"No, no. Button." Button?
“不，不。按钮。”按钮？
And all of a sudden, it occurred to me.
突然间，我想到了这一点。
And I just said, oh.
我只是说，哦。
You didn't sleep in a dumpster.
你没有睡在垃圾箱里。
You slept in a trash compacter.
你睡在垃圾压实机里。
"Si, si." You were afraid somebody was going to come and maybe push a button.
“嘶，嘶。”你担心有人会过来并按下按钮。
"Si, si."
“嘶，嘶。”
And when I heard that, I was like at a new level in my feelings and understanding of this whole thing.
当我听到这句话时，我对整件事的感受和理解都达到了一个新的水平。
You're afraid somebody might come to push the button, and you'll die a horrible death.
你担心有人会来按下按钮，而你会死得很惨。
Once or twice a year, he gets to housesit for an old friend.
每年一两次，他都会为一位老朋友看家。
Around Christmas, he got an offer to housesit for more than two weeks.
圣诞节前后，他收到了一份为期两周多的房屋看护工作邀请。
I met him for lunch the day that ended, and he was back on the street.
那天结束时我和他一起吃午饭，他又回到了街上。
I wanted to know what it was for him to have a comfortable place to sleep for a change.
我想知道对于他来说，有一个舒适的地方睡觉以换换口味意味着什么。
Usually, he can't count on any of his regular spots.
通常，他不能指望任何常规位置。
And sometimes he has to stay up all night in a Kinko's or a Dunkin' Donuts.
有时他不得不在 Kinko's 或 Dunkin' Donuts 里熬夜。
Sleep is such a large part of the whole experience of being homeless.
睡眠是无家可归者整个经历的重要组成部分。
I should say sleeplessness.
应该说失眠。
You never get enough sleep.
你永远得不到足够的睡眠。
You're so tired so much of the time.
你很多时候都很累。
So what was it like your first night indoors?
那么您在室内的第一个晚上感觉如何？
What was it like to sleep?
睡觉是什么感觉？
The first night is the best, because you know you've got 16 consecutive nights of uninterrupted living indoors again.
第一个晚上是最好的，因为您知道您又可以连续 16 个晚上不间断地在室内生活。
Of being able to come over to this apartment, open the door, unlock it with the key, open the door, go over to the sofa-- this nice, huge, comfortable, soft sofa with like eight large pillows.
能够来到这间公寓，打开门，用钥匙解锁，打开门，走到沙发旁——这张漂亮、巨大、舒适、柔软的沙发，有八个大枕头。
In front of the TV set, with a remote control and everything.
电视机前面，有遥控器什么的都有。
It's like what Jean Valjean experienced in the 1935 version of the film Les Miserables with Fredric March as Jean Valjean.
这就像 1935 年版电影《悲惨世界》中冉阿让 (Jean Valjean) 所经历的那样，弗雷德里克·马奇 (Fredric March) 饰演冉阿让 (Jean Valjean)。
After all those years in the prison, the galley slave prison system, whatever, he's released finally.
在监狱里待了这么多年，厨房奴隶监狱系统，无论如何，他终于被释放了。
I think it was 14 years, or something, in which he was sleeping on hard surfaces.
我想大概有 14 年，他一直睡在坚硬的地面上。
And when he is finally shown the room where he's going to get to stay, when it's time for him to go to sleep, he looks at the bed.
当他最终被带到他要住的房间时，当他该睡觉的时候，他看着床。
And in the years before I was homeless, whenever I'd see this film, I never noticed this.
在我无家可归之前的几年里，每当我看这部电影时，我从未注意到这一点。
He's looking at the bed.
他正在看着床。
That bed, it's like it's a soft surface, a soft mattress.
那张床，就像是一个柔软的表面，一个柔软的床垫。
It's a bed.
这是一张床。
He hasn't slept in a bed for like 14 years.
他已经有14年没有在床上睡觉了。
And when he plops down in it, he leans back.
当他扑通一声坐下时，他向后靠了靠。
He stretches out.
他伸了个懒腰。
If I remember correctly, his eyes close, as he's savoring the comfort.
如果我没记错的话，他闭着眼睛，享受着这种舒适。
That's what it's like.
就是这样。
That's what it feels like.
就是这样的感觉。
That's what it felt like the first night I was in there, for these 16 nights in a row.
这就是我住在那里的第一个晚上的感觉，连续 16 个晚上都是这样。
This is an excerpt from a radio project that Chelsea Merz and Matthew have worked on for years.
这是切尔西·梅尔兹和马修多年来致力于的一个广播项目的摘录。
When we first broadcast that story in 2004, Matthew had been on the street for seven years.
当我们 2004 年第一次播出这个故事时，马修已经流落街头七年了。
He has now gotten off the streets, and gives talks around the country about his experience.
现在他已经离开街头，并在全国各地发表演讲，讲述他的经历。
You can find more at his website, openchurches.org.
您可以在他的网站 openchurches.org 上找到更多信息。
Coming up.
即将到来。
Which is more dangerous to your health, heart disease or your own family?
心脏病和你自己的家人，哪个对你的健康更危险？
Answers in a minute from Chicago Public Radio and Public Radio International when our program continues.
当我们的节目继续进行时，芝加哥公共广播电台和国际公共广播电台将在一分钟内答复。
It's This American Life.
这就是美国生活。
I'm Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯。
Each week on our program, of course, we choose some theme, bring you a variety of different kinds of stories on that theme.
当然，每周我们的节目都会选择一些主题，为您带来关于该主题的各种不同类型的故事。
Today's program, two weeks into the new year, stories of giving things up, living without, voluntarily or not.
今天的节目是新年两周后的节目，讲述了放弃一切、放弃一切的故事，无论自愿与否。
We have arrived at Act Four of our program.
我们已经到了节目的第四幕了。
Act Four, Tin Man.
第四幕，铁皮人。
Sometimes you give up something and you're not sure if it's your own idea or not.
有时你放弃了一些东西，但你不确定这是否是你自己的想法。
As in this next story, a short story by Judy Budnitz, read for us by actor Matt Malloy.
就像下一个故事一样，朱迪·布德尼茨的短篇小说由演员马特·马洛伊为我们朗读。
"What kind of son are you?" asks Aunt Fran.
“你是个什么样的儿子？”弗兰姨妈问。
Aunt Nina says, "Your own flesh and blood." "What your mother wouldn't do for you," Aunt Fran goes on.
尼娜姨妈说：“你自己的骨肉。” “你妈妈不会为你做的事情，”弗兰姨妈继续说道。
"She'd do anything for you.
“她愿意为你做任何事。
Anything in the world.
世界上任何事。
And now you won't give just a little back." "For shame!" says Aunt Nina.
现在你不会再回馈一点点了。” “羞耻！”尼娜姨妈说。
The heat is stifling, but she pulls her sweater closer.
天气很闷热，但她还是把毛衣拉得更紧了。
We're sitting in the hospital waiting room, Aunt Fran and Aunt Nina and I.
我们坐在医院的候诊室里，弗兰阿姨、尼娜阿姨和我。
My mother suffered a heart attack this morning.
我妈妈今天早上心脏病发作。
We're waiting to see her, the aunts and I.
我们、阿姨们和我都在等着见她。
The doctor told us her heart won't last much longer.
医生告诉我们她的心脏活不了多久了。
"We can't fix it," the doctors said.
“我们无法修复它，”医生说。
"She needs a new one.
“她需要一个新的。
A transplant." "Well, then give her one!" the aunts cried.
移植。” “好，那就给她一个吧！”阿姨们哭了。
"It's not that easy," said the doctors.
“这并不那么容易，”医生们说。
"We need a donor."
“我们需要一个捐赠者。”
The doctors went away.
医生们都走了。
The aunts looked at me.
阿姨们看着我。
"Arnie?" Nina said.
“阿尼？”妮娜说。
"What about your heart?"
“你的心呢？”
"My heart?" I shouted.
“我的心？”我喊道。
"Are you crazy?"
“你疯了？”
That started them both off on what a bad son I was.
这让他们俩都开始意识到我是一个多么坏的儿子。
It's impossible to argue with Nina, especially with Fran to back her up.
与尼娜争论是不可能的，尤其是与支持她的弗兰相比。
I sit in the middle.
我坐在中间。
Aunt Fran clutches one arm, Aunt Nina the other.
弗兰姨妈抓住一只手臂，尼娜姨妈另一只手臂。
They wept at first, but now they sit grimly.
他们一开始哭了，但现在却表情严肃地坐着。
A Styrofoam cup of coffee steams next to my foot, but I can't reach for it.
一杯聚苯乙烯泡沫塑料咖啡在我脚边冒着热气，但我伸手够不到。
The aunts don't care.
阿姨们不关心。
They're amazed that I bought it, amazed that I could even think of coffee at a time like this.
他们很惊讶我买了它，很惊讶我在这样的时候还能想到咖啡。
Aunt Fran wears a bally sweater and sensible shoes.
弗兰阿姨穿着一件巴利毛衣和一双实用的鞋子。
Her lips are pressed tight.
她的嘴唇紧闭。
She taps her feet nervously.
她紧张地跺着脚。
On my other side, Nina licks her lips, again and again.
在我的另一边，尼娜一次又一次地舔着嘴唇。
"I saw it on 60 Minutes, " Aunt Fran announces.
“我在《六十分钟》节目中看到了它，”弗兰阿姨宣布道。
"They put the heart in a cooler, a regular Igloo cooler, like we have at home.
“他们把心脏放在一个冷藏器里，一个普通的冰屋冷藏器，就像我们家里的一样。
And they rush it in a helicopter to the hospital.
他们用直升机将其送往医院。
And they put it in, connect up the pipes.
他们把它放进去，连接管道。
It's just like plumbing."
这就像管道一样。”
"You must be your mother's tissue type, too.
“你一定也是你母亲的组织类型。
I'm sure you are," Aunt Nina puts in.
我确信你是，”尼娜姨妈插话道。
"You're young.
“你还年轻。
You're strong.
你很坚强。
You have a college education.
您受过大学教育。
Your heart is exactly what she needs." "You shouldn't have started smoking, though," Aunt Fran goes on.
你的心正是她所需要的。” “不过，你不应该开始吸烟，”弗兰姨妈继续说道。
"It's so bad for the heart.
“这对心脏来说太糟糕了。
You should have thought of that when you started."
你一开始就应该想到这一点。”
"But what about me?" I blurt out finally.
“但是我呢？”我终于脱口而出。
"That's what we're talking about.
“这就是我们正在谈论的。
We're talking about your heart," Nina says.
我们正在谈论你的心，”尼娜说。
"But what happens to me?" I say again.
“但是我怎么了？”我再说一遍。
"I can't believe he's thinking of himself at a time like this," Aunt Fran sniffs.
“我不敢相信他在这种时候还能想到自己，”弗兰姨妈嗤之以鼻。
"I need my heart.
“我需要我的心。
You want me to die so my mother can live?"
你想让我死，好让我妈妈活下去？”
"Of course we don't want that," says Aunt Fran.
“我们当然不希望这样，”弗兰阿姨说。
"Sylvie loves you so much.
“西尔维非常爱你。
She'd want to die herself if you died." "We can't both have my heart," I say.
如果你死了，她也想死。” “我们不能同时拥有我的心，”我说。
"Of course not," says Nina.
“当然不是，”尼娜说。
"You can get one of those monkey hearts, or that artificial heart they made such a fuss about in the news a while back." "Why can't mother get one of those?
“你可以得到一颗猴子心脏，或者是他们不久前在新闻中大惊小怪的人造心脏。” “为什么妈妈不能买一件呢？
Or a transplant from someone else?"
还是别人移植的？”
"Do you want your mother should have a stranger's heart?
“你希望你的母亲有一颗陌生人的心吗？
Or a monkey's heart?
还是猴子的心？
Your poor mother.
你可怜的母亲。
Do you remember how she never used to take you to the zoo because she couldn't stand to see the filthy monkeys?
你还记得她以前从不带你去动物园吗，因为她受不了看到肮脏的猴子？
And you want her to have a monkey's heart?
你还想让她有一颗猴心？
It would kill her." Fran cries.
这会杀了她。”弗兰哭了。
"She's so weak.
“她太虚弱了。
She needs a heart that will agree with her," Aunt Nina adds.
她需要一颗同意她的心，”尼娜阿姨补充道。
"Any heart but yours just wouldn't do.
“除了你的心之外，任何一颗心都行不通。
But you, you can handle anything.
但你，你可以处理任何事情。
You're young.
你还年轻。
You're strong.
你很坚强。
You--"
你——”
"Have a college education?" I finished for her.
“有大学学历吗？”我为她完成了。
Aunt Nina glares and says, "Your mother worked herself to the bone for you so you could go to college and make something of yourself.
尼娜阿姨瞪着眼睛说：“你妈妈为了你拼命工作，就是为了让你能上大学，出人头地。
And now what do you do?
现在你做什么？
Out of college four years already, all you do is sit in front of a typewriter all day, call yourself a writer.
大学毕业已经四年了，你所做的就是整天坐在打字机前，称自己为作家。
Smoking those cigarettes, never get a haircut."
抽那些烟，从来不理发。”
"And the first time your mother needs you," Aunt Fran finishes, "you turn your back on her." They both tighten their grips on my arm.
“当你妈妈第一次需要你的时候，”弗兰姨妈总结道，“你就转身背对着她。”他们都紧紧地抓着我的手臂。
"I do things for Mother all the time," I begin.
“我一直在为母亲做事，”我开始说道。
One of the doctors appears at the end of the hall.
一名医生出现在大厅的尽头。
As he approaches, my aunts rise, pulling me with them.
当他走近时，我的姨妈们站了起来，拉着我。
"Is she all right?" demands Fran, when he's still 20 feet away.
“她还好吗？”当弗兰距离他还有 20 英尺时，他问道。
"We've found a donor," Nina announces.
“我们找到了捐赠者，”尼娜宣布。
The doctor greets us.
医生向我们打招呼。
He's a small man, completely bald.
他是个小个子，完全秃顶。
The eyes behind thick glasses are sad.
厚厚的眼镜后面的眼睛充满悲伤。
He strokes his scalp as he talks, savoring the feel of it.
他边说话边抚摸着头皮，品味着那种感觉。
"She's all right.
“她没事。
She's being monitored," he says.
她正在受到监视，”他说。
"We will look for a donor, but there's a long waiting list."
“我们将寻找捐赠者，但等待名单很长。”
"We've got a donor.
“我们有一位捐赠者。
Sylvie's son.
西尔维的儿子。
He's in the prime of health," Aunt Nina says.
他正处于健康的最佳时期，”尼娜阿姨说。
"This is Arnie," Fran explains.
“这是阿尼，”弗兰解释道。
The doctor studies me carefully.
医生仔细地研究我。
"Surely you don't do that sort of thing?" I say incredulously.
“你肯定不会做那种事吧？”我难以置信地说。
He gazes at me.
他看着我。
"It's very rare, very rare indeed that a son will be so good as to donate his heart.
“一个儿子如此优秀，愿意捐出自己的心脏，这非常罕见，确实非常罕见。
In a few cases, it has been done.
在少数情况下，它已经完成了。
But it's so rare to find such a son, a rare and beautiful thing."
但能找到这样的儿子真是太难得了，真是难得又美丽的事情。”
He takes off his glasses and polishes them on his sleeve.
他摘下眼镜，放在袖子上擦亮。
Without them, his eyes are small, piggish.
没有它们，他的眼睛就很小，像猪一样。
He puts them back on, and his eyes are sad and soulful once more.
他重新戴上它们，他的眼睛再次充满悲伤和深情。
"You must love your mother very much," he says.
“你一定非常爱你的母亲，”他说。
"Oh, he does," Fran says.
“哦，他做到了，”弗兰说。
I shift my feet and knock over the cup of coffee and it spills on the floor, a sudden ugly brownness spreading over the empty white.
我移动脚，打翻了咖啡杯，咖啡洒在地板上，突然丑陋的棕色覆盖在空荡荡的白色上。
A nurse leads us to the intensive care unit, where my mother is lying attached to machines and bags of fluid.
一名护士带我们去了重症监护室，我母亲躺在那里，身上绑着机器和液体袋。
Aunt Fran rushes to one side of the bed, Aunt Nina the other.
弗兰姨妈冲到床的一侧，尼娜姨妈冲到另一边。
I shuffle awkwardly at the foot of the bed.
我笨拙地在床脚拖着脚步。
I touch my mother's feet.
我摸妈妈的脚。
"Sylvie, are you all right?" The aunts cry.
“西尔维，你还好吗？”阿姨们哭了。
My mother opens her eyes.
我妈妈睁开了眼睛。
There are purple circles around them.
它们周围有紫色圆圈。
She looks pale, but not so different from usual.
她看上去脸色苍白，但与平常并没有太大不同。
Hardly on the verge of death.
差一点就到了死亡的边缘。
She smiles dully at her sisters.
她对姐妹们呆呆地笑了笑。
"Oh, Sylvie.
“哦，西尔维。
You look wonderful, just the same," they say.
你看起来棒极了，还是一样，”他们说。
Then she raises her eyes to me.
然后她抬起眼睛看着我。
"Oh, Arnie.
“哦，阿尼。
You look terrible," she says.
你看起来很糟糕，”她说。
"That jacket.
“那件夹克。
I told you to throw it away.
我告诉过你把它扔掉。
I'll find you another.
我会再给你找一个。
There's no reason to go around looking like a mess."
没有理由四处走动，看起来一团糟。”
"Arnie has some good news," Nina says.
“阿尼有一些好消息，”尼娜说。
"Then why does he look like a thundercloud?" says my mother.
“那他为什么看起来像雷云？”我妈妈说。
"Arnie, is something bothering you?"
“阿尼，你有什么事吗？”
Fran says, "Arnie wants to give you his heart." "I never said that," I cry.
弗兰说：“阿尼想把他的心给你。” “我从来没有这么说过，”我哭道。
There is a pause.
停顿了一下。
"Of course, Arnie, you shouldn't.
“当然，阿尼，你不应该这样做。
You don't need to do that for me.
你不需要为我做那件事。
Really, you don't," my mother says.
真的，你不知道，”我妈妈说。
She looks terribly sad.
她看起来非常悲伤。
The aunts' faces have gone stony.
阿姨们的脸色都变得铁青了。
"I never expected anything from you, you know.
“我从来没有对你抱有任何期望，你知道。
Of course, nothing like this."
当然，没有这样的事情。”
I look down at her feet, two motionless humps under the blanket.
我低头看着她的脚，毯子下有两个一动不动的驼峰。
"I'm considering it, Mother.
“我正在考虑，妈妈。
Really, I am.
真的，我是。
I want to find out more about it before I decide.
我想在做出决定之前了解更多信息。
That's all.
仅此而已。
It's not as simple as changing a car battery or something." I force out a laugh.
这并不像更换汽车电池或其他东西那么简单。”我强忍着笑。
No one else laughs, but the aunts' faces melt a little.
其他人都没有笑，但阿姨们的脸却融化了一点。
My heart is is pounding.
我的心在狂跳。
My mother closes her eyes.
我妈妈闭上眼睛。
"You're a good boy, Arnie," she says.
“你是个好孩子，阿尼，”她说。
"Your father would be proud."
“你父亲会感到骄傲的。”
A nurse comes in and tells us that we should let my mother rest for a while.
护士进来告诉我们应该让我妈妈休息一会儿。
Aunt Fran and Aunt Nina head back to the waiting room.
弗兰阿姨和尼娜阿姨回到候诊室。
I walk up and down the halls of dull white where patients shuffle in slow motion, wheeling their IVs along beside them.
我在暗白色的大厅里走来走去，病人在慢动作中拖着脚步，旁边推着静脉注射器。
I can feel in the floor the buzzing vibration of motors churning away somewhere in the heart of the building.
我能感觉到地板上建筑物中心某处电机的嗡嗡振动。
I take the elevator and wander until I find a pay phone.
我乘电梯徘徊，直到找到公用电话。
I call up Mandy.
我给曼迪打电话。
She picks up on the first ring.
第一声铃声响起时她就接听了。
"Hi," she says.
“嗨，”她说。
"Where have you been?"
“你去哪儿了？”
"My mother had a heart attack this morning," I say.
“我妈妈今天早上心脏病发作，”我说。
"I'm at the hospital."
“我在医院。”
"Oh, I knew this would happen," Mandy says.
“哦，我知道会发生这种事，”曼迪说。
"I burned my hand on the radiator this morning, and right away I thought, uh oh, an omen.
“今天早上我的手被散热器烫伤了，我立刻就想，呃，哦，这是一个预兆。
Something bad's going to happen.
有不好的事情要发生了。
How old's your mother?"
你妈妈几岁了？”
"57," I say.
“57，”我说。
"Oh, that's young for a heart attack.
“哦，这么年轻就心脏病发作了。
And she wasn't fat or anything.
而且她并不胖什么的。
I feel like it's my fault.
我觉得这是我的错。
I should have warned you or something."
我应该警告你什么的。”
Finally, I ask her to come to the hospital.
最后我请她来医院。
And she says all right and hangs up.
她说好吧，然后就挂断了电话。
I don't need to tell her where to go.
我不需要告诉她去哪里。
Mandy never gets lost.
曼迪永远不会迷路。
She never has to wait in line.
她从来不用排队等候。
Strangers on the street talk to her.
街上有陌生人和她说话。
Jobs fall in her lap.
乔布斯落在了她的腿上。
She's nice looking, freckles on her nose, good straight teeth.
她长得很漂亮，鼻子上有雀斑，牙齿整齐。
She keeps telling me that my signs indicate my life will be on a big upswing soon, and that I'm just in a transition period right now.
她一直告诉我，我的迹象表明我的生活很快就会有一个大的好转，而我现在正处于过渡期。
I hope she's right.
我希望她是对的。
I finally reach the lobby, and just as I do, Mandy comes bursting in the doors, beaming at me.
我终于到达了大厅，就在我到达大厅的时候，曼迪冲进了门，微笑地看着我。
She doesn't smile.
她没有笑。
She beams.
她笑容满面。
"I knew I'd find you," she says.
“我知道我会找到你，”她说。
"How's your mother?
“你妈妈怎么样了？
Have you seen her?" Her breath in my face is like pine trees and toothpaste.
你见过她吗？”她的呼吸在我脸上就像松树和牙膏。
"Yes, she's all right for now.
“是的，她现在一切都好。
Come on.
来吧。
Let's go outside for a minute.
我们到外面去一会儿吧。
I want to ask you something."
我想问你一件事。”
Outside, the afternoon is darkening to early evening.
外面，午后已是傍晚时分。
We wander in the parking lot among the cars, talking softly like we're afraid we'll wake them.
我们在停车场的汽车中间徘徊，轻声说话，好像生怕吵醒他们一样。
It's cold.
是冷的。
I keep looking back to see if anyone is following us.
我不断回头看看是否有人跟踪我们。
"They say my mother's heart is bad," I tell Mandy.
“他们说我母亲的心脏不好，”我告诉曼迪。
"She needs a new one.
“她需要一个新的。
They want me to donate my heart.
他们希望我捐出我的心脏。
What do you think of that?"
你对此有何看法？”
Mandy stops, her eyes and mouth open.
曼迪停了下来，她的眼睛和嘴巴张开。
Wind whips her frizzy hair around her face.
风将她卷曲的头发拂过她的脸。
She looks shocked.
她看起来很震惊。
I breathe a sigh of relief.
我松了一口气。
At last, someone who can see reason.
终于有一个能看出道理的人了。
But then she says, "Oh, Arnie.
但随后她说：“哦，阿尼。
How wonderful.
多么美妙啊。
Can they really do that?
他们真的能做到吗？
That's so wonderful.
那真是太好了。
Congratulations!"
恭喜你！”
"You mean you think I should do it?"
“你的意思是你认为我应该这么做？”
"Isn't technology incredible?" Mandy says.
“科技不是很不可思议吗？”曼迪说。
"These days doctors can do anything.
“如今，医生可以做任何事情。
Now you can share yourself, really give yourself to someone in ways you never even thought were possible before.
现在您可以分享自己，以您以前从未想过的方式真正将自己奉献给某人。
Your mother must be thrilled."
你妈妈一定很兴奋吧。”
She takes my hand in hers and looks up into my eyes.
她握住我的手，抬头看着我的眼睛。
"Frankly, Arnie, I didn't think you had it in you.
“说实话，阿尼，我不认为你有这样的能力。
I'm really impressed.
我真的很感动。
Really I am."
真的是我。”
"Mandy, I thought you could be realistic about this.
“曼迪，我认为你可以现实一点。
What about me?
那我呢？
Do you want me dead?
你想要我死吗？
What am I supposed to do without a heart?"
没有心我该怎么办？”
"Oh, I'm sure they could fix you up.
“噢，我确信他们能治好你。
The important thing right now is to help your mother." She unzips my jacket and presses her hand against my chest.
现在最重要的是帮助你的母亲。”她拉开我夹克的拉链，把手按在我的胸前。
My heart twitches, flutters like a baby bird in her hands.
我的心抽搐着，像她手里的小鸟一样扑腾着。
"Arnie, you know what the right thing to do is.
“阿尼，你知道什么是正确的做法。
You should get back to your mother now." I watch her go, brisk, determined steps, like a schoolteacher.
你现在就该回到你妈妈身边了。”我看着她走，步伐轻快、坚定，就像一位学校老师。
I find my way back to the waiting room.
我找到了回到候诊室的路。
Someone has mopped up the coffee.
有人把咖啡擦干净了。
"Feel better?" Nina asks.
“感觉好些了吗？”尼娜问道。
"Made a decision yet?" Fran says.
“已经决定了吗？”弗兰说。
"Yes.
“是的。
No. I don't know," I say.
不，我不知道，”我说。
They are both quiet.
他们都很安静。
Fran turns to me.
弗兰转向我。
"Arnie, think about this.
“阿尼，想想这个。
The heart's a little thing, really.
心确实是一件小事。
Less than a pound.
不到一磅。
It's just a muscle.
这只是一块肌肉。
You've got muscles all over the place.
你浑身都是肌肉。
Can't you spare one?" She looks earnestly into my face.
就不能留一个吗？”她认真地看着我的脸。
"Can't you spare a little bit of flesh?" And then they are crying, both of them, drops sliding down the wrinkles in their faces.
“你就不能留点肉吗？”然后他们俩都哭了，眼泪顺着脸上的皱纹滑落。
Later we go visit my mother again.
后来我们又去看望我的母亲。
She looks worse, but perhaps it's the fluorescent lights.
她看起来更糟，但也许是荧光灯的原因。
I stand again at the foot of her bed.
我再次站在她的床脚边。
I can see the veins and tendons on her neck.
我可以看到她脖子上的静脉和肌腱。
So delicate, so close to the surface you could snip them with scissors.
如此脆弱，如此接近表面，你可以用剪刀剪断它们。
"Arnie," she says softly, "you should go home and get some sleep.
“阿尼，”她轻声说道，“你应该回家睡觉了。
And shave.
并刮胡子。
You look terrible.
你看起来很糟糕。
So tired.
太累了。
Go.
走吧。
I'll be here tomorrow.
明天我会在这里。
I'm not going anywhere."
我哪儿也不去。”
I drive home in the dark.
我在黑暗中开车回家。
I go up to my apartment and turn on the lights.
我回到我的公寓，打开灯。
I want to call Mandy.
我想给曼迪打电话。
Then I realize I don't want to call her at all.
然后我意识到我根本不想给她打电话。
Usually my mother calls in the evening and tells me about TV programs and weather changes.
通常我妈妈会在晚上打电话告诉我电视节目和天气变化。
I turn off the lights and sit in the dark.
我关掉灯，坐在黑暗中。
I look at the ceiling, at the smoke detector.
我看着天花板，看着烟雾探测器。
It has a blue light that pulses with a regular beat, like the blip on a cardiograph.
它发出蓝光，有规律地跳动，就像心电图上的光点一样。
Early the next morning at the hospital, I tell the doctor, "I want to do it.
第二天一早，我在医院告诉医生：“我想做。
Give her my heart." He gives me a long, steady look, eyes huge behind the glasses.
把我的心交给她。”他长久而稳定地看着我，眼镜后面的眼睛很大。
"I think you've made the right decision.
“我认为你做出了正确的决定。
I do," he says.
我愿意，”他说。
His eyes drop to my chest.
他的目光垂向我的胸口。
"We can get started right away."
“我们可以立即开始。”
"But what about a transplant for me?" I say.
“但是给我做移植手术怎么样？”我说。
"Don't you need to arrange that first?"
“不需要先安排一下吗？”
"Oh, we'll take care of that when the time comes.
“噢，到时候我们会处理这件事的。
I want to get your heart into your mother right away before, before--"
我想立刻把你的心融入你母亲的心里，在那之前，在那之前——”
"Before I change my mind?" I say.
“在我改变主意之前？”我说。
He hardly hears.
他几乎听不见。
He's already deep in his plans.
他已经深深地陷入了自己的计划之中。
He claps me on the back.
他拍拍我的背。
"Have you told your mother yet?
“你告诉你妈妈了吗？
Well, go tell her.
嗯，去告诉她吧。
And then we'll get your chest shaved and get started."
然后我们会把你的胸毛剃掉然后开始。”
This is what I have realized.
这就是我所认识到的。
All along, I thought I'd publish a book, lots of books.
一直以来，我都想出版一本书，很多本书。
Get recognition.
获得认可。
Earn lots of money.
赚很多钱。
Support my mother in style in her old age.
以时尚的方式支持我母亲晚年。
Give her gorgeous grandchildren.
给她生下漂亮的孙子。
I thought that was the way to pay her back for everything I owe her.
我想这就是我欠她的一切的回报。
But now it looks like I have to pay my debts with my heart instead.
但现在看来，我的债只能用心来还了。
Under these circumstances, I don't have a choice.
在这种情况下，我别无选择。
I'm almost glad.
我几乎很高兴。
It seems easier this way.
这样看来比较容易。
I'll just give her a piece of muscle, and then I'll be free of her forever.
我只要给她一块肌肉，然后我就永远摆脱她了。
All my debts paid.
我所有的债务都还清了。
One quick operation will be so much easier than struggling for the rest of my life to do back to her all the things she thinks she's done for me.
一次快速的手术比我用余生努力回报她所有她认为她为我做的事情要容易得多。
It seems like a good bargain.
这似乎是一笔不错的交易。
When I tell my mother the news, she cries a little, and smiles, and says, "Oh, I didn't expect it.
当我告诉妈妈这个消息时，她哭了一会儿，然后微笑着说：“哦，我没想到。
Oh, not for a minute.
哦，一分钟都没有。
I wouldn't expect such a sacrifice from you, Arnie.
我没想到你会做出这样的牺牲，阿尼。
I wouldn't dare to even mention such a thing.
这样的事我连提都不敢提。
It's more than any mother could expect of her son.
这超出了任何母亲对儿子的期望。
I'm so proud of you.
我为你感到骄傲。
I guess I did a good job of raising you after all.
我想我毕竟把你养育得很好。
You've turned into such fine, good person.
你已经变成了一个如此优秀、如此善良的人。
I worried that I may have made mistakes when I was bringing you up.
我担心我在抚养你的过程中可能犯了错误。
But now I know I didn't."
但现在我知道我没有。”
On and on she goes.
她不停地走。
And the aunts, they cry, clutch my arms, not so tight as before.
姑妈们哭着抓着我的手臂，不再像以前那么紧了。
And they say they'd doubted me, but they never will again.
他们说他们曾经怀疑过我，但他们再也不会了。
"What a good son," they keep saying.
“真是个好儿子，”他们不断地说。
Looking at them now, they seem smaller than they did before.
现在看，它们似乎比以前小了。
Shriveled.
干瘪。
I call Mandy and she dashes over to the hospital.
我打电话给曼迪，她冲到医院。
She kisses all over my face with her cherry-flavored ChapStick.
她用樱桃味的唇膏棒亲吻了我的脸。
She hugs me, presses her ear against my chest.
她拥抱我，把耳朵贴在我的胸口。
She tells me she knew I'd do the right thing.
她告诉我她知道我会做正确的事。
I'm feeling pretty good now.
我现在感觉很好。
I light up a cigarette.
我点了一支烟。
She takes it away from me and mashes it beneath her heel.
她把它从我手中夺走，并把它踩在脚后跟下。
"That belongs to your mother now," she says.
“那现在属于你母亲了，”她说。
They all give me flowers.
他们都给我送花。
I feel like a hero.
我感觉自己像个英雄。
I kiss my mother's cheek.
我亲吻妈妈的脸颊。
I hop on a stretcher.
我跳上担架。
They wheel me out.
他们把我推出去。
They sedate me slightly, strip me, shave me.
他们给我注射了轻微的镇静剂，剥掉我的衣服，给我刮胡子。
And then they put the mask on and knock me out good.
然后他们戴上面具，把我打晕了。
It's like I'm falling, falling down a deep well.
我就像坠落，坠入深井。
And the circle of daylight above me grows smaller and smaller and smaller until it is a tiny white bird, swooping and fluttering against a vast night sky.
我头顶上的日光圈变得越来越小，直到变成一只白色的小鸟，在广阔的夜空中俯冲、振翅。
How does it feel to have no heart?
没有心是什么感觉？
It feels light, hollow, rattly.
感觉很轻，空洞，嘎嘎作响。
Something huge is missing.
缺少一些巨大的东西。
It leaves an ache, like the ghost of a severed limb.
它会留下一种疼痛，就像断肢的鬼魂一样。
I'm so light inside but so heavy on the outside.
我内心如此轻盈，但外表却如此沉重。
Like gravity increased a hundredfold, gravity holding me to the bed like the ropes and pegs of a thousand Lilliputians.
就像重力增加了一百倍一样，重力将我固定在床上，就像一千个小人国的绳索和钉子一样。
I lie at the bottom of a pool.
我躺在池底。
Up above I see the light on the surface.
在上面我看到表面有光。
It wavers, ripples, breaks, and comes together again.
它摇摆、荡漾、破碎，然后又聚集在一起。
I can see the people moving about, far above in the light.
我可以看到人们在远处走动，在光亮中。
I am down here in the dark, cradled in the algae.
我在黑暗中，躺在藻类的摇篮里。
Curious fish nibble my eyelashes.
好奇的鱼咬我的睫毛。
After a while, I see a smooth, pink face above me.
过了一会儿，我看到上方有一张光滑、粉红色的脸。
The doctor?
医生？
"Arnie," he says.
“阿尼，”他说。
"The operation went very well.
“手术进行得很顺利。
Your mother is doing wonderfully.
你妈妈做得很好。
She loves the new heart."
她喜欢这颗新心。”
His words begin far away and drift closer, growing louder and louder until they plunk down next to me like pebbles.
他的话语从远处开始，渐渐靠近，声音越来越大，直到像鹅卵石一样落在我身边。
"Arnie," he calls.
“阿尼，”他喊道。
The pool's surface shivers.
泳池的表面在颤抖。
His face balloons, shrinks to a dot, then unfolds itself.
他的脸膨胀起来，缩小成一个点，然后自行展开。
"Arnie, about you.
“阿尼，关于你。
We're having a little trouble.
我们遇到了一点麻烦。
There is a shortage of spare hearts in the country right now.
目前国内正缺乏闲人。
We're looking for some kind of replacement.
我们正在寻找某种替代品。
But don't worry.
但不用担心。
You'll be fine."
你会没事的。”
Later, I see Aunt Fran and Aunt Nina.
后来，我看到了弗兰阿姨和尼娜阿姨。
They lean close.
他们靠得很近。
They're huge.
它们很大。
Their faces bleed and run together like wet watercolors.
他们的脸流着血，像湿水彩画一样流淌在一起。
"Your mother's doing so well," they call.
“你妈妈做得很好，”他们喊道。
"She loves you.
“她爱你。
Oh, she's so excited.
哦，她太兴奋了。
She'll be in to see you soon."
她很快就会来看你。”
And later it's my mother gliding in, her face pink, her hair curled.
后来我妈妈滑了进来，她的脸色呈粉红色，头发卷曲。
"Arnie, Arnie, you good boy," she calls.
“阿尼，阿尼，你好孩子，”她喊道。
And then they wheel her out.
然后他们把她推出去。
They leave me alone for a long time.
他们让我独自呆了很长一段时间。
I lie in the deep.
我躺在深处。
It sways me like a hammock.
它像吊床一样摇晃着我。
There is a deep, low humming all around, like whales moaning.
周围传来低沉的嗡嗡声，就像鲸鱼的呻吟声。
My mother does not visit again.
我妈妈没有再来看望我。
Alone in the dark, no footsteps, no click of the light switch.
独自一人在黑暗中，没有脚步声，也没有电灯开关的咔哒声。
Then a doctor looms above me.
然后一位医生出现在我上方。
"Your mother," he says, "is not doing well.
“你妈妈，”他说，“情况不太好。
The heart does not fit as well as we thought.
心脏并不像我们想象的那么合适。
It's a bit too small." He turns away and leans over again.
有点太小了。”他转过身，再次倾身。
"As for you, we're working on it.
“至于你，我们正在努力。
There is nothing available at the moment, but don't you worry."
目前还没有什么可以做的，不过你不用担心。”
And then Fran and Nina are back.
然后弗兰和尼娜回来了。
"How could you?" they scream, their voices shattering the surface into fragments.
“你怎么可以？”他们尖叫着，他们的声音将表面粉碎成碎片。
"Giving your mother a bad heart.
“让你妈妈心不好。
How could you?
你怎么可以？
What kind of son are you?
你是个什么样的儿子？
She's dying.
她快死了。
Your mother's dying, all because of you." They weep together.
你妈妈要死了，都是因为你。”他们一起哭泣。
For a long time, no one comes.
很长一段时间都没有人来。
I know without anyone telling me that my mother is dead.
无需任何人告诉我，我就知道我母亲已经去世了。
It is my heart.
这是我的心。
When it ceases to beat, I know.
当它停止跳动时，我知道。
The doctor comes to tell me how sorry he is.
医生过来告诉我他有多遗憾。
"She was doing so well at first.
“一开始她表现得很好。
But then it turned out the heart just wasn't enough.
但后来发现，光有心还不够。
I tell you, though, she was thinking of you when she died.
不过我告诉你，她死的时候一直在想你。
She asked for you." He sits quietly for a moment.
她求你了。”他静静地坐了一会儿。
"We haven't managed to find a heart for you, but you'll be fine.
“我们还没找到适合你的心，但你会没事的。
We've shot you up full of preservatives.
我们给你注射了满满的防腐剂。
You'll stay fresh for a while yet." He goes away.
你还能保持一段时间的新鲜感。”他走了。
Aunt Fran and Aunt Nina no longer visit.
弗兰姨妈和尼娜姨妈不再来看望。
Mandy?
曼迪？
Gone.
走了。
I lie, listening to the emptiness in my chest, like wind wailing through canyons.
我躺着，听着胸中的空虚，就像风在峡谷中呼啸而过。
These days the doctor comes in often to chat with me.
这些天医生经常过来和我聊天。
One day he tells me a story.
有一天，他给我讲了一个故事。
"You know, when your mother died, we managed to save your heart.
“你知道，当你母亲去世时，我们设法拯救了你的心。
It was still healthy.
它仍然很健康。
We thought about giving it back to you, but there was this little girl here, about eight years old.
我们想过把它还给你，但这里有一个小女孩，大约八岁。
She needed a new heart too.
她也需要一颗新心。
Cute little blond girl.
可爱的金发小女孩。
One time a basketball star came in here to visit, and there were TV cameras and photographers and everything.
有一次，一位篮球明星来这里参观，那里有电视摄像机和摄影师什么的。
She was in the papers a lot.
她经常出现在报纸上。
Kids were always sending her cards.
孩子们总是给她寄卡片。
"Anyway, we decided to give her your heart.
“无论如何，我们决定把你的心交给她。
She's only a kid, after all.
她毕竟只是个孩子。
She's got her whole life ahead of her.
她的一生都在前方。
Why should we deny her that?
我们为什么要否认她呢？
I'm sure your mother would have wanted it that way.
我相信你妈妈也会希望这样的。
She was such a caring, selfless woman.
她是一个多么有爱心、无私的女人。
I'm sure, deep down, you want her to have it too, don't you?"
我确信，在内心深处，你也希望她也拥有它，不是吗？”
Of course I do.
我当然知道。
Ira Glass Judy Budnitz's short story "Guilt," from her collection of short stories called Flying Leap.
艾拉·格拉斯·朱迪·布德尼茨的短篇小说《内疚》来自她的短篇小说集《飞跃》。
Her latest book is Nice Big American Baby.
她的最新书是《漂亮的美国大宝贝》。
Her story was read by actor Matt Malloy, who is in way too many movies to name here, but is available for your casting needs.
她的故事由演员马特·马洛伊 (Matt Malloy) 朗读，他参演的电影太多，无法在此一一列举，但他可以满足您的选角需求。
Chelsea Merz's story with Matthew came to us with help from Jay Allison and the Cape and Island NPR stations with support from the Corporation for Public Broadcasting.
切尔西·梅尔兹 (Chelsea Merz) 与马修 (Matthew) 的故事是在杰伊·艾利森 (Jay Allison) 以及开普和岛屿 NPR 电台以及公共广播公司的支持下向我们透露的。
[ACKNOWLEDGMENTS] Our web site, where you can hear any of our programs for absolutely free, thisamericanlife.org.
[鸣谢] 我们的网站 thisamericanlife.org，您可以在其中完全免费地收听我们的任何节目。
WBEZ management oversight for our show by our boss, Mr. Torey Malatia.
我们的老板 Torey Malatia 先生对我们的演出进行 WBEZ 管理监督。
Our message to him today?
我们今天要向他传达什么信息？
We've shot you up full of preservatives.
我们给你注射了满满的防腐剂。
You'll stay fresh for a while yet.
你会在一段时间内保持新鲜感。
I'm Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯。
Back next week with more stories of This American Life.
下周我们将带来更多《美国生活》的故事。
This American Life is produced in collaboration with WBEZ Chicago and delivered to stations by PRX The Public Radio Exchange.
《This American Life》与 WBEZ Chicago 合作制作，并由 PRX 公共广播电台传送到各电台。