422: Comedians of Christmas Comedy Special - This American Life
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00:00 00:00 Transcript Share This American Life Life Partners How to Listen Episodes Recommended About Overview Staff Announcements Fellowships Jobs Music Make Radio On The Road FAQ Submissions Merch Contact Us Our Other Shows Merch Follow Us Life Partners Subscribe to our newsletter Full episode Toggle Audio and Transcript Sync Transcript | Episode #422 | December 17, 2010 422: Comedians of Christmas Comedy Special Note: This American Life is produced for the ear and designed to be heard.
00:00 00:00 文字记录 分享此 美国生活 生活伙伴 如何收听 剧集 推荐 关于 概述 员工公告 奖学金 工作 音乐 在路上制作电台 常见问题解答 提交 商品 联系我们 我们的其他节目 商品 关注我们 生活伙伴 订阅我们的时事通讯 整集 切换音频和文字记录同步 文字记录 | 内容第 422 集 | 2010 年 12 月 17 日 422：圣诞喜剧喜剧演员 特别说明：《美国生活》是为耳朵而制作的，旨在让人们听到。
If you are able, we strongly encourage you to listen to the audio, which includes emotion and emphasis that's not on the page.
如果可以的话，我们强烈建议您收听音频，其中包括页面上没有的情感和重点。
Transcripts are generated using a combination of speech recognition software and human transcribers, and may contain errors.
文字记录是使用语音识别软件和人工转录员结合生成的，可能包含错误。
Please check the corresponding audio before quoting in print.
请在印刷版引用前检查相应的音频。
Prologue Ira Glass Everybody knows the holidays can be stressful.
序言 Ira Glass 每个人都知道假期可能会充满压力。
And so with the holidays upon us, we thought, you know what would be nice?
因此，随着假期的临近，我们想，你知道什么是好的吗？
An hour of jokes.
一个小时的笑话。
Let's do an hour of holiday jokes.
让我们讲一个小时的节日笑话吧。
But reflecting on this for about 10 seconds made us realize there's actually no such thing.
但思考了大约 10 秒钟，我们意识到实际上没有这样的事情。
Think about it for a second.
想一想。
What is your favorite Christmas joke?
你最喜欢的圣诞笑话是什么？
Right?
正确的？
Even kids who love Christmas and love jokes do not have Christmas jokes.
即使是喜欢圣诞节、喜欢笑话的孩子也没有圣诞节笑话。
To be sure this is true we actually ran a scientific test this week where we asked a group of kids to tell us their favorite Christmas joke.
为了确保这是真的，我们本周实际上进行了一项科学测试，要求一群孩子告诉我们他们最喜欢的圣诞笑话。
OK.
好的。
Hmm.
唔。
I don't really know one.
我真的不认识一个。
Can they go first?
他们可以先走吗？
One of our producers, Jonathan Menjivar, went to the playground at New York's PS 11 asking third graders for Christmas jokes.
我们的一位制作人 Jonathan Menjivar 前往纽约 PS 11 的操场，向三年级学生询问圣诞笑话。
And while none of them knew any Christmas jokes, it turns out that all of them were willing on the spot-- apparently any third grader will do this-- they were willing to make up Christmas jokes.
虽然他们都不知道任何圣诞笑话，但事实证明，他们所有人都愿意当场——显然任何三年级学生都会这样做——他们愿意编圣诞笑话。
I don't know.
我不知道。
Why?
为什么？
Kid 2 To get to the horn station.
Kid 2 去喇叭站。
You know, the horn station.
你知道，喇叭站。
Jonathan Menjivar The horn?
乔纳森·门吉瓦 号角？
What's a horn station?
什么是喇叭站？
Where they get new horns.
他们得到新角的地方。
Kid 3 Oh!
孩子3哦！
That makes sense sort of.
这是有道理的。
Yeah.
是的。
Ira Glass I don't know if you could hear that.
Ira Glass：我不知道你是否能听到。
One of the kids in the background goes, "That makes sense." And everyone then agrees.
背景中的一个孩子说：“这是有道理的。”然后每个人都同意。
Because reindeer have horns and then they need new horns.
因为驯鹿有角，所以它们需要新的角。
Yeah.
是的。
And then sometimes reindeer if they get their antlers broke off, they grow back in, and in this joke, they go to a store.
有时，如果驯鹿的鹿角被折断，它们会重新长出来，在这个笑话中，它们会去商店。
Here's another one.
这是另一张。
Kid 6 There was a chicken that's running around like crazy on Christmas Eve.
孩子 6 有一只鸡在平安夜疯狂地跑来跑去。
And then Santa came.
然后圣诞老人来了。
And it's like, "Hey, Santa!
就像，“嘿，圣诞老人！
Can I go on?" Then Santa's like, "You can get on the deer, but not on my head!"
我可以继续吗？”然后圣诞老人就会说：“你可以骑到鹿身上，但不能骑到我的头上！”
Why does Santa get married with a skinny woman?
圣诞老人为什么要娶一个瘦女人？
Yeah.
是的。
I feel like the setup is often the best part of these jokes.
我觉得设置通常是这些笑话中最好的部分。
Why does Santa get married to a skinny woman?
圣诞老人为什么要娶一个瘦女人？
Because Santa feels bad that he's so fat and she's so skinny.
因为圣诞老人感觉很糟糕，因为他这么胖，而她这么瘦。
And he wants to see somebody that's skinny.
他想见一个瘦的人。
I'm glad to say though that some of the jokes the kids made up on the spot did actually have the structure of real jokes and worked as real jokes, with punch lines that actually made actual sense.
我很高兴地说，孩子们现场编的一些笑话确实具有真正的笑话的结构，并且起到了真正的笑话的作用，其中的妙语确实有意义。
I don't know.
我不知道。
Kid 8 Because it wasn't Christmas.
Kid 8 因为那不是圣诞节。
OK.
好的。
This next one was told to Jonathan by a little kid who first explained that they don't celebrate Christmas.
下一个是一个小孩告诉乔纳森的，他首先解释说他们不庆祝圣诞节。
They celebrate Hanukkah with the Hanukkah menorah and all that.
他们用光明节烛台等庆祝光明节。
What does the Christmas tree say to the menorah?
圣诞树对烛台说了什么？
I don't know.
我不知道。
Kid 9 He says, "You don't have decorations like me.
孩子 9 他说：“你没有像我这样的装饰品。
I'm more popular than you."
我比你更受欢迎。”
It's funny because it's true.
这很有趣，因为这是真的。
Jonathan wasn't sure what he should say to this little Jewish kid about that joke.
乔纳森不确定他应该对这个犹太小孩子说些什么关于这个笑话。
The Christmas tree is mean, but the menorah actually has good intelligence.
圣诞树虽然卑鄙，但烛台其实有很好的智慧。
Good as these jokes are, fact is, if you want a Christmas holiday special that's filled with jokes, you really have to go to professionals.
尽管这些笑话很好，但事实是，如果你想要一个充满笑话的圣诞假期特别节目，你真的必须去找专业人士。
And so in preparation for today's show, we went to stand-up comedians and performers and we put them on stage in little clubs and venues, wherever they like to try out new material over the last few weeks.
因此，在准备今天的节目时，我们去找了单口喜剧演员和表演者，让他们在小俱乐部和场地的舞台上表演，无论他们在过去几周里喜欢在哪里尝试新材料。
And today, from just a small club with I think 200 people in it, we bring you our Comedians of Christmas special.
今天，我们从一个大概有 200 人的小俱乐部为您带来我们的圣诞特别喜剧演员。
We have some people who you've heard of on our show before, like Mike Birbiglia, but lots of amazingly funny people who you may not know.
我们有一些你以前在我们的节目中听说过的人，比如迈克·比尔比利亚 (Mike Birbiglia)，但也有很多你可能不认识的非常有趣的人。
We have actually never tried this before, and it's been completely exciting seeing what happens when we throw a theme like Christmas to these really talented, funny people.
事实上，我们以前从未尝试过这一点，当我们向这些真正有才华、有趣的人提供像圣诞节这样的主题时，看到会发生什么，真是令人兴奋。
And so, from WBEZ Chicago, it's This American Life , distributed by Public Radio International.
因此，来自 WBEZ 芝加哥的节目是《This American Life》，由国际公共广播电台发行。
I'm Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯。
Stay with us.
留在我们身边。
Act One, Christ Has Prison.
第一幕，基督入狱。
We were worried that was a little too Eastery.
我们担心这有点太复活节了。
It's a Christmas show.
这是一场圣诞表演。
Wyatt Cenac is a correspondent and a performer for The Daily Show with Jon Stewart .
怀亚特·塞纳克 (Wyatt Cenac) 是《乔恩·斯图尔特每日秀》的通讯员和表演者。
And he has this story about spreading Christmas cheer in Texas.
他有一个关于在德克萨斯州传播圣诞节欢乐的故事。
Please welcome him.
请欢迎他。
That's not normally the response I expect.
这通常不是我所期望的回应。
Its very weird because when you tell somebody that you're from Texas, their response is, "Oh my God, I love Austin!" Which is cool, but I grew up in Dallas.
这很奇怪，因为当你告诉某人你来自德克萨斯州时，他们的反应是，“天哪，我爱奥斯汀！”这很酷，但我在达拉斯长大。
And people will be like, "Oh, I'm sorry.
人们会说：“哦，对不起。
Austin's pretty awesome.
奥斯汀真是太棒了。
Austin's great."
奥斯汀很棒。”
It's weird.
很奇怪。
I've lived here in New York now for about two and a half years, and I was actually born here.
我已经在纽约住了大约两年半了，我实际上是在这里出生的。
I lived here as a baby.
我小时候住在这里。
And it's nice to be back.
很高兴回来。
The city has changed a lot since I lived here as a baby.
自从我小时候住在这里以来，这座城市发生了很大的变化。
When I was a baby, everywhere you went it was just colors and shapes everywhere.
当我还是个婴儿的时候，无论你走到哪里，到处都是颜色和形状。
Gentrification has changed all of that.
绅士化改变了这一切。
In my old neighborhood, I remember on the corner there was this amorphous yellow blob.
在我的老邻居中，我记得在拐角处有一个无定形的黄色斑点。
Now it's a Chipotle.
现在是Chipotle。
When my mother hit her 50s, she went through a bit of a midlife crisis.
当我母亲五十多岁的时候，她经历了一些中年危机。
And typically, a midlife crisis is something that people associate with men.
通常，人们将中年危机与男性联系在一起。
Men who are struggling with getting older, they maybe go out and buy themselves a Corvette or some other type of penis car.
那些正在与变老作斗争的男人，他们可能会出去给自己买一辆克尔维特或其他类型的阴茎车。
And my mother didn't do that.
而我的母亲没有这样做。
What she did for her midlife crisis was she went to church wearing those big fancy church lady hats that star in Tyler Perry movies.
她为应对中年危机所做的就是戴着泰勒·佩里电影中主演的那些华丽的教堂女士大帽子去教堂。
You see, a man in a midlife crisis maybe goes and gets himself an old Mustang and soups it up.
你看，一个处于中年危机的男人可能会去给自己买一辆旧野马，然后给它加点油。
And my mother did the same thing.
我的母亲也做了同样的事情。
She would take these hats, and you'd see her at church on Sunday with a bunch of other middle aged ladies.
她会戴上这些帽子，周日你会在教堂看到她和一群其他中年女士。
And they'd have tricked these hats out with lace and ribbons and flowers and dodo eggs, whatever they could get their hands on.
他们会用蕾丝、丝带、鲜花和渡渡鸟蛋，以及任何他们能得到的东西来装饰这些帽子。
They'd put rims and a spoiler on there if they could.
如果可以的话，他们会在上面放上轮辋和扰流板。
And this is what my mother did.
这就是我母亲所做的。
And in the same way that when a man goes through a midlife crisis, he might find himself a trophy girlfriend, some 20-year-old who will spike up his hair and put him in ill-fitting T-shirts that have sparkly dragon skeletons on them.
同样，当一个男人经历中年危机时，他可能会找到一个奖杯女友，一个 20 岁的女孩，她会把他的头发扎起来，让他穿上不合身的 T 恤，上面有闪闪发光的龙骨架。
My mother did the same thing.
我妈妈也做了同样的事情。
She went to church and she found herself a trophy boyfriend named Jesus Christ.
她去教堂，发现自己有一个男朋友，名叫耶稣基督。
And when you think about it, Jesus is really the best trophy boyfriend for a menopausal woman.
当你仔细想想，耶稣确实是更年期女性最好的奖杯男友。
He's older, but he doesn't show it.
他年纪大了，但他没有表现出来。
He doesn't care if you feel like you're aging and you've got crows feet or you feel bloated or anything like that.
他不在乎你是否感觉自己变老了，有鱼尾纹，或者感觉臃肿或类似的东西。
He doesn't care.
他不在乎。
He loves unconditionally.
他无条件地爱。
If you want to spend all day in aerobic slippers, guess what?
如果您想整天穿着有氧拖鞋，您猜怎么着？
So does he.
他也是。
That's his uniform.
那是他的制服。
Oh, and the most important one.
哦，还有最重要的一点。
He's made of bread and wine.
他是用面包和酒做成的。
He's perfect.
他很完美。
And around the same time that my mother started seeing Jesus, the church decided that this Christmas they were going to do some Christmas prison ministry.
大约在我母亲开始见到耶稣的同时，教会决定今年圣诞节他们要进行一些圣诞节监狱事工。
And what they were going to do is they were going to take Christmas gifts to prison inmates.
他们要做的就是给监狱里的囚犯送圣诞礼物。
And my mother loved this idea, so she signed up.
我妈妈很喜欢这个主意，所以她报名了。
And you might be asking yourself, What kind of Christmas gift do you give to a prison inmate?
您可能会问自己，您会给监狱囚犯什么样的圣诞礼物？
I mean, their list is probably pretty simple, it's probably just freedom and sex, not necessarily in that order.
我的意思是，他们的清单可能非常简单，可能只是自由和性，不一定按这个顺序。
The church couldn't deliver on those things, so they thought the next best thing would be a bag of fruit.
教会无法提供这些东西，所以他们认为次好的东西就是一袋水果。
And what it was, it was a paper bag that had been decorated by the children of the church.
那是什么，这是一个由教堂的孩子们装饰过的纸袋。
They drew little pictures on it.
他们在上面画了一些小图。
And then inside that bag was an apple and an orange and a little prayer card.
袋子里有一个苹果、一个橙子和一张小祈祷卡。
Because it's church, nothing's free.
因为是教堂，所以没有什么是免费的。
And then on the flip side of that card was a calendar, which really seems like the worst thing you could give a prison inmate as a gift.
那张卡片的另一面是一本日历，这看起来确实是你能给监狱囚犯作为礼物的最糟糕的东西。
That's the Christmas prison equivalent of some kid waking up on Christmas morning to find a pair of socks when he has no feet.
这就相当于圣诞节的监狱，就像某个孩子在圣诞节早上醒来，发现自己没有脚时却发现了一双袜子。
But at the same time, it's the thought that counts.
但与此同时，想法也很重要。
And my mother was doing this thing.
而我的母亲正在做这件事。
It was very noble.
这是非常高贵的。
Not everybody would go and give Christmas to prison inmates.
并不是每个人都会去给监狱里的囚犯过圣诞节。
I thought, wow, that's really awesome of her that she wants to do that.
我想，哇，她想这么做真是太棒了。
I'm going to do something nice for her.
我要为她做一些好事。
So that morning, I figured I was going to wake up and I was going to make her some pancakes because she's got a big day ahead of her.
所以那天早上，我想我要醒来了，我要去给她做一些煎饼，因为她还有重要的一天等着她。
And that's when I found out that my mother would not be going to the maximum security prison.
就在那时我发现我的母亲不会去最高安全级别的监狱。
My mother had never had any intention of going.
我母亲从来没有打算去。
See, she liked the idea of doing a Christian mission, but she also liked the idea of spending the day in bed watching Wheel of Fortune.
看，她喜欢做基督教传教的想法，但她也喜欢花一天时间躺在床上看《命运之轮》的想法。
And since she couldn't do both, she decided she would send me to prison in her place.
由于她无法同时做到这两点，她决定将我送进监狱。
It was at that moment of my life that I understood what outsourcing was.
正是在我生命中的那一刻，我明白了什么是外包。
My mother decided to send me, my little brother, and my stepfather, who up to this point had been OK with the open relationship that my mother, he, and Jesus had been having.
我母亲决定派我、我的弟弟和我的继父去，到目前为止，我的继父对我母亲、他和耶稣之间的开放关系表示满意。
And we get out to the prison.
然后我们就到了监狱。
And if you've never been to prison, the first thing that happens is you take off your Santa cap, because you feel silly.
如果你从未进过监狱，发生的第一件事就是摘下你的圣诞老人帽，因为你觉得自己很傻。
It doesn't seem right.
看来不对劲。
And it's like everything you've seen in movies.
这就像你在电影中看到的一切。
There's a big buzzer that's like, errr, and some guy's like, "Come on through!" And you do that and then there's a caclunk of the door and all that stuff.
有一个很大的蜂鸣器，就像，呃，有人说，“过来吧！”你这样做了，然后门就发出嘎嘎声，诸如此类。
And we do all that, and we're inside the prison.
我们做了这一切，然后我们就在监狱里了。
But what doesn't happen most times in the movies or an episode of NBC's Lockup is because there was a thunderstorm going on, there was like big flash of lightning and then this really loud thunder crack.
但在电影或 NBC 的《Lockup》的一集中，大多数情况下不会发生的情况是因为正在发生雷暴，出现了巨大的闪电，然后是非常响亮的雷声。
And then the power went out.
然后停电了。
Yeah.
是的。
It was just darkness in prison.
监狱里一片漆黑。
And at the time, the movie Jurassic Park was big.
当时，电影《侏罗纪公园》很火爆。
And all I can think to myself is, [BLEEP], the raptors are loose and all I have are these apples to defend myself.
我自己能想到的就是，[哔]，猛禽队松了，我只有这些苹果来保护自己。
The oranges I'll keep to fend off scurvy.
我会保留这些橙子来预防坏血病。
But the apples.
但是苹果。
And then eventually the power comes back on, and everybody's fine.
然后最终电力恢复，每个人都很好。
I have to pick up some of the warning apples that I threw out.
我必须捡起一些我扔掉的警告苹果。
And we're doing this.
我们正在这样做。
We're giving Christmas to these guys.
我们要给这些家伙过圣诞节。
And in prison they tend to separate the prisoners and categorize them in different ways.
在监狱里，他们倾向于将囚犯分开并以不同的方式对他们进行分类。
And there are the guys who are in solitary confinement.
还有一些人被单独监禁。
It's called the hole.
这就是所谓的洞。
They're considered the worst of the worst.
他们被认为是最糟糕的。
And then on the other side of the spectrum, they have inmates called trustees.
另一方面，他们有被称为受托人的囚犯。
And these are inmates who have decided they want to rehabilitate themselves.
这些囚犯决定自我改造。
They may never make parole, but they've decided that they want to be better people now than they were when they walked in.
他们可能永远不会获得假释，但他们决定现在要成为比刚进来时更好的人。
And so they take counseling, they take classes, they get jobs, and they're given more responsibilities.
因此，他们接受咨询，参加课程，找到工作，并承担更多责任。
And they don't live in cells, they live in barracks with bunks.
他们不住在牢房里，而是住在有铺位的营房里。
And so these are the people we're going to be giving Christmas gifts to.
这些就是我们要送圣诞礼物的人。
And we go there and we go into the barracks and we start handing these gifts out, and it's amazing watching these guys get these gifts.
我们去那里，进入军营，开始分发这些礼物，看到这些人收到这些礼物真是太棒了。
Their faces just light up.
他们的脸都亮了。
Just the bag itself, the drawings on the bags.
只是包本身，包上的图画。
You would've assumed that those were drawn specifically for them because they're so proud of these drawings.
你可能会认为这些画是专门为他们画的，因为他们对这些画感到非常自豪。
They are like, "Yo, check it out.
他们就像是，“哟，看看吧。
This kid drew me a car, and it's red, and that's my favorite color.
这个孩子给我画了一辆车，它是红色的，这是我最喜欢的颜色。
It's awesome." Another inmate would be like, "Check it out.
太棒了。”另一位囚犯会说：“看看吧。
This kid drew me a house, and then there's a pool.
这孩子给我画了一座房子，然后还有一个游泳池。
And that's the house I want to live in." Another inmate was like, "Check it out.
这就是我想住的房子。”另一个囚犯说：“看看吧。
This kid drew me a horse with a spear sticking out of his head." "That's a unicorn." "It's a spear horse!"
这小子给我画了一匹马，头上伸出一根长矛。” “那是一只独角兽。” “是矛马！”
And to see how happy they were getting these gifts.
看看他们收到这些礼物有多高兴。
And for this moment, they're not inmates in a prison anymore.
这一刻，他们不再是监狱里的囚犯了。
As they're going through these gifts, they're just kids on Christmas.
当他们在处理这些礼物时，他们只是圣诞节的孩子。
And they're so happy.
他们很高兴。
And they're emptying out the bags and just smoothing out the bags and hanging them on their bunks, and you're watching just the sheer pleasure on their faces as they're going through the gifts.
他们正在倒空袋子，整理袋子并将它们挂在床上，你会看到他们在检查礼物时脸上洋溢着纯粹的快乐。
And you're watching that fade away as they find the calendar.
当他们找到日历时，你会看到它逐渐消失。
"Like seriously, man, what am I supposed to do with this?" Beyond that, they were very appreciative.
“说真的，伙计，我该怎么办？”除此之外，他们非常感激。
They were appreciative for the apple, appreciative for the orange, appreciative for the bag.
他们感激苹果，感激橙子，感激袋子。
The calendar not so much.
日历没那么多。
But we give everybody the gifts, and I notice there's still a lot of gifts left.
但我们给每个人都送了礼物，我注意到还剩下很多礼物。
And so the guard who had been taking us around was like, "You know what?
带着我们四处走动的警卫说：“你知道吗？
Let's take those and give those to the guys in solitary." Really?
让我们把它们交给那些单独关押的人吧。”真的吗？
Does Santa's naughty list mean nothing at this point?
圣诞老人的顽皮清单此时是否毫无意义？
I mean, what happened to be good for goodness' sake?
我的意思是，天哪，到底发生了什么好事？
Better not pout, better not cry, better not shout?
最好不要撅嘴，最好不要哭泣，最好不要喊叫？
Santa has problems with those, but murder he's cool with?
圣诞老人对这些有意见，但他对谋杀却很满意？
Really?
真的吗？
And we go to solitary.
然后我们就去单独关押。
Solitary, each of the doors are these metal doors.
单独的，每扇门都是这些金属门。
And there are these metal doors.
还有这些金属门。
And then on the door is a smaller little over door about the size of a shoebox.
然后门上有一个较小的小门，大约有鞋盒那么大。
And that's there.
就在那里。
And then there's a guard, and he's got a stick.
然后有一个守卫，他拿着一根棍子。
And he'll take the stick.
他会拿起棍子。
He takes it to the little shoebox sized oven door and opens up and he's like, "All right, give me a gift." "All right.
他把它拿到鞋盒大小的小烤箱门前，然后打开，他说，“好吧，给我一份礼物。” “好吧。
Do I get a stick?" "No, you'll be fine." "Really?
我拿根棍子吗？” “不，你会没事的。” “真的吗？
Because you have a stick." "Do it." So I start giving the gifts, and I'm just throwing them in the hole.
因为你有一根棍子。” “做吧。”所以我开始送礼物，然后把它们扔进洞里。
And we go to the next one, and it's like I'm playing Quidditch, just tossing them in.
然后我们进入下一个，就像我在打魁地奇一样，只是把它们扔进去。
And eventually we get to this one, and I throw the gift in, and the guard is about to stick up the door again, and from behind the door I hear this voice and he goes, "Wait.
最终我们到达了这个，我把礼物扔了进去，守卫正要再次把门关上，我从门后听到这个声音，他说：“等等。
Hold on a second.
等一下。
Hold on.
坚持住。
I want to shake his hand." "Well, my friend, I'd love to, but I'm sure the guard has something to say about that." "No, it's fine.
我想握他的手。” “好吧，我的朋友，我很乐意，但我确信警卫对此有话要说。” “不，没关系。
Go ahead.
继续吧。
Do it." "Really?"
做吧。” “真的吗？”
And I'm terrified, because now I can't see anything except eyes back there.
我很害怕，因为现在除了后面的眼睛我什么也看不见。
And I'm slowly making my way and just thinking, I could shake his hand, and he could eat my fingers.
我慢慢地走着，心里想着，我可以握他的手，他可以吃我的手指。
And I'm nervous.
我很紧张。
And I'm walking closer, and I still can't see anything.
我走近了，但还是什么也看不见。
And then all of a sudden this hand just comes out.
然后突然这只手就出来了。
It's a big, meaty hand, because it's a prison hand.
这是一只又大又多肉的手，因为它是一只监狱的手。
And I walk over, and my hand sort of nervously grabs his and shakes it.
我走过去，紧张地握住他的手并摇晃。
And he holds on to it and pulls me a little closer.
他抓住了它，把我拉得更近了一些。
He's like, "Yeah, I thought I knew you.
他就像是，“是的，我以为我认识你。
Yeah, I know you." I'm like, "Oh, no you don't.
是的，我认识你。”我说：“哦，不，你不知道。
No. No you don't." And he's convinced.
不，不，你不知道。”他深信不疑。
He's like, "Yeah, I know you.
他就像是，“是的，我认识你。
I know you, man." And now I'm starting to think to myself, Does he know me?
我认识你，伙计。”现在我开始思考，他认识我吗？
He's really convinced.
他真的很确信。
"Yeah, I thought it was you.
“是啊，我还以为是你呢。
Yeah, I know you.
是的，我认识你。
You're from Austin." Which at that particular moment, I had never felt more pride to be from Dallas.
你来自奥斯汀。”在那一刻，我从未为自己来自达拉斯感到如此自豪。
I was just like, "No, I'm from Dallas, [BLEEP]!" At which point, he was like, "Oh, you should really tell people you're from Austin.
我当时想，“不，我来自达拉斯，[哔]！”这时，他说：“哦，你真的应该告诉人们你来自奥斯汀。
It's a much nicer place." Thank you, everybody.
这是一个更好的地方。”谢谢大家。
Thank you.
谢谢。
Wyatt Cenac.
怀亚特·塞纳克。
Act Two: Stocking Stuffers Ira Glass Act Two, Stocking Stuffers.
第二幕：长袜填充者 Ira Glass 第二幕，长袜填充者。
Among other things, Edith Zimmerman writes these very short, short stories.
除此之外，伊迪丝·齐默尔曼还写了这些非常短的故事。
Please welcome Edith Zimmerman.
欢迎伊迪丝·齐默尔曼。
This story is called "The Holiday Party."
这个故事叫做“假日派对”。
"So, do you come here often?" he asked, leaning toward me with a twinkle in his eye and a sprig of mistletoe in his hand.
“那你经常来这里吗？”他问道，向我倾身，眼中闪烁着光芒，手里拿着一枝槲寄生。
We had been exchanging flirtatious glances across the bar all night.
整个晚上我们都在酒吧里交换着调情的眼神。
Finally he was making a move.
终于，他开始行动了。
"Yes," I said with a playful smile.
“是的，”我带着顽皮的微笑说道。
"Oh really?" he said.
“哦真的吗？”他说。
"Yep.
“是的。
I come here every day actually," I said.
事实上我每天都来这里，”我说。
"On weekdays, they open at 5:00, so I get here 15 minutes before that to wait outside.
“工作日，他们在 5:00 开门，所以我提前 15 分钟到这里在外面等。
And then on the weekends they open at 3:00.
然后周末他们在 3:00 开门。
And then today because it's a holiday party, they opened at noon, and I didn't have to wait outside at all." "Huh," he said, giving me a funny smile.
然后今天因为是节日聚会，他们中午就开门了，我根本不用在外面等。” “哈，”他说，给了我一个有趣的微笑。
"You really do come here often I guess." "Yep.
“我猜你确实经常来这里。” “是的。
There's no one else who comes here as much as me.
没有人像我一样经常来这里。
You can ask the manager.
你可以问经理。
They let me keep stuff in the bathroom sometimes." "Ah," he said and looked around the room.
他们有时让我把东西放在浴室里。” “啊，”他说，环视了一下房间。
"One time I fell down over there and hit my head," I said and pointed to a corner in the bar, "but no one noticed, so I even got to stay here overnight."
“有一次我在那边摔倒了，撞到了头，”我指着酒吧的一个角落说道，“但是没有人注意到，所以我还在这里过夜了。”
This one is called "Christmas Cookies."
这个叫做“圣诞饼干”。
"Good morning!" I said to my students.
“早上好！”我对我的学生说。
"Does anyone like--" And here, I reached under my desk to produce a heaping tray of homemade treats.
“有人喜欢吗——”说到这里，我把手伸到桌子底下，拿出一盘自制的零食。
"--Christmas cookies?
“——圣诞饼干？
Yes!" they screamed.
是的！”他们尖叫起来。
"How much?" I asked.
“多少？”我问。
"A lot!" they screamed.
“很多！”他们尖叫起来。
"Do you love them?" I asked.
“你爱他们吗？”我问。
"Yes!" they screamed.
“是的！”他们尖叫起来。
"We love them!" "So why don't you marry them?" I asked.
“我们爱他们！” “那你为什么不嫁给他们呢？”我问。
"No!" they screamed.
“不！”他们尖叫起来。
"Why not?" I asked.
“为什么不呢？”我问。
"You can't marry cookies!" they screamed.
“你不能嫁给饼干！”他们尖叫起来。
I looked down at my engagement ring and slid my hand behind my back so the children couldn't see.
我低头看着我的订婚戒指，然后把手放到背后，这样孩子们就看不到了。
"Is that like for sure a fact or is it something you just assume?" I asked.
“这是肯定的事实还是你只是假设的？”我问。
Edith Zimmerman.
伊迪丝·齐默尔曼。
She's the editor at TheHairpin.com where she writes all day, every day.
她是 TheHairpin.com 的编辑，每天都在写作。
Coming up, more Comedians of Christmas.
即将推出，更多圣诞节喜剧演员。
That's in a minute from Chicago Public Radio and Public Radio International when our program continues.
一分钟后，芝加哥公共广播电台和国际公共广播电台将继续我们的节目。
It's This American Life.
这就是美国生活。
I'm Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯。
Each week on our show of course we choose a theme, bringing a variety of different kinds of stories on that theme.
当然，每周我们的节目都会选择一个主题，并围绕该主题带来各种不同类型的故事。
Today's show for Christmas, a comedy Christmas special.
今天的圣诞节节目是喜剧圣诞特别节目。
We wanted something funny for the holidays, so we invited comedians and other performers to go on stage at various locations wherever they perform.
我们想要在假期里看到一些有趣的东西，所以我们邀请喜剧演员和其他表演者在不同的地点登台表演，无论他们在哪里表演。
And we created two shows at a club in Brooklyn called Littlefield to record them in front of live audiences.
我们在布鲁克林一家名为利特菲尔德的俱乐部制作了两场演出，并在现场观众面前录制。
In our search for holiday jokes, Christmas jokes, holiday humor of all kinds, one of the kids of one of our producers found this book called Christmas Crackups and knew that we were doing the show and sent it into the office very generously.
在我们寻找节日笑话、圣诞节笑话、各种节日幽默时，我们一位制片人的一个孩子发现了这本书，名为《圣诞爆笑》，他知道我们正在做这个节目，并非常慷慨地把它送到了办公室。
Though I'm supposed to return it when I'm done.
虽然我应该在完成后归还它。
I thought I would read you a few of the jokes.
我想我应该给你读一些笑话。
What kind of bills to elves have to pay?
精灵们需要支付什么样的账单？
Jingle bills.
叮当账单。
What nationality are Santa and Mrs. Claus?
圣诞老人和克劳斯夫人是哪个国籍的？
North Polish.
北波兰语。
Suddenly I feel like Steven Wright or something.
突然我觉得自己像史蒂文赖特什么的。
I'm deadpan.
我面无表情。
On which side of Santa's face is his beard?
圣诞老人脸的哪一侧有胡子？
The outside.
外面。
I want to play you guys one more clip that Jonathan Menjivar got when he was out on the schoolyard at PS 11 talking to kids about Christmas jokes.
我想再给大家播放一段乔纳森·门吉瓦尔 (Jonathan Menjivar) 在 PS 11 的校园里和孩子们谈论圣诞笑话时录制的片段。
He talked to this one kid and he said, "Have you got any Christmas jokes?" And the kid says--
他与这个孩子交谈，他说：“你有什么圣诞笑话吗？”孩子说——
I don't want to do that if it's going on radio.
如果它在广播中播放，我不想这样做。
Yeah, don't worry about it.
是的，不用担心。
No one's going to know who you are.
没有人会知道你是谁。
Oh, OK!
哦，好的！
Ira Glass OK, so now the kid knows that the kid is anonymous, so here's the joke that this kid tells.
Ira Glass 好的，现在这个孩子知道这个孩子是匿名的，所以这是这个孩子讲的笑话。
Knock, knock.
敲，敲。
Jonathan Menjivar Who's there?
乔纳森·门吉瓦尔 谁在那儿？
Ella really got to go poo.
艾拉真的要去便便了。
Ira Glass The kid works blue.
艾拉·格拉斯（Ira Glass） 这孩子的工作是蓝色的。
The kid knows, I'm anonymous.
这孩子知道，我是匿名的。
Great.
伟大的。
I've got this dirty material that I've got to try out on public broadcasting.
我有这些肮脏的材料，我必须在公共广播上尝试一下。
Act Three, Little Altar Boy.
第三幕，小祭坛男孩。
Despite our nation's best efforts to turn Christmas into a festival that's about gifts and toys and buying stuff, it is still a religious holiday.
尽管我们国家尽了最大努力将圣诞节变成一个关于礼物、玩具和购物的节日，但它仍然是一个宗教节日。
Please welcome comedian Mike Birbiglia.
欢迎喜剧演员迈克·比尔比利亚。
One of the reasons Christmas was a really big deal to me when I was a kid was that I was really good at being Catholic.
当我还是个孩子的时候，圣诞节对我来说非常重要，原因之一是我非常擅长成为天主教徒。
And not everyone was.
但并非所有人都是如此。
My brother Joe only came to church on Christmas and even then he'd show up late.
我哥哥乔只在圣诞节才来教堂，即便如此他也会迟到。
He'd be like, "Mike, the later you show up, the shorter it is." And then he'd change the lyrics to the hymns.
他会说，“迈克，你出现得越晚，时间就越短。”然后他会把歌词改成赞美诗。
There was this one we used to sing every week that goes, "Christ has died.
我们每周都会唱这样一首歌曲：“基督已经死了。
Christ is risen.
基督复活了。
Christ will come again." And Joe's lyrics were, "Christ has lied.
基督还会再来。”乔的歌词是：“基督撒了谎。
Christ is in prison.
基督在监狱里。
Christ will come at 10:00." I'd try so hard not to laugh, because I was on Jesus's team.
基督会在 10:00 到来。”我努力忍住不笑，因为我是耶稣团队的一员。
Well I went to church every week with my mom and I thought it made me her favorite.
我每周都会和妈妈一起去教堂，我想这让我成为她最喜欢的人。
My mom decided early on that I would be a priest.
我妈妈很早就决定我要成为一名牧师。
And I really thought that I would, and I liked the idea.
我真的以为我会的，而且我喜欢这个主意。
So every week we'd go to church.
所以每周我们都会去教堂。
When other kids would go to the park or the mall, we'd go to church.
当其他孩子去公园或商场时，我们会去教堂。
And sometimes I'd be like, "Hey, Mom, I want to go to the mall." And my mom would say, "Like fun are you going to the mall." That's an expression that my mom uses.
有时我会说，“嘿，妈妈，我想去商场。”我妈妈会说：“你去商场真是太有趣了。”这是我妈妈常用的表达方式。
Like fun.
喜欢好玩。
Which is her way of saying, Like Hell, because she's Catholic.
这是她说“见鬼了”的方式，因为她是天主教徒。
And for Catholics, Hell is fun.
对于天主教徒来说，地狱很有趣。
When you're seven, and your mom sends you to Catholic school, it's all pretty simple.
当你七岁的时候，你妈妈送你去天主教学校，这一切都很简单。
They're like, "There's this guy Jesus, and he totally loves you." And you're like, "Great." And they're like, "You love him too, right?" And you're like, "I'm sorry.
他们就像是，“耶稣这个人，他完全爱你。”你会说：“太棒了。”他们就像，“你也爱他，对吧？”你会说：“对不起。
Do I know this guy?" And they're like, "You know, from the cross.
我认识这个人吗？”他们会说，“你知道，来自十字架。
That guy loves you, and you love him." And it starts innocently enough, as innocently as man/boy love can start.
那个人爱你，你也爱他。”一切的开始都很天真，就像男人/男孩的爱情一样天真地开始。
You just kind of accept it.
你只要接受它就可以了。
"There's this guy, Jesus, who everybody's afraid of but everybody loves because he loves everybody.
“有一个人，耶稣，每个人都害怕他，但每个人都喜欢他，因为他爱每个人。
And a long time ago, some people killed him, and it's not totally your fault.
很久以前，有人杀了他，这不完全是你的错。
So don't be scared or sad, because he's living forever next to God who's his dad, even though he's also God.
所以不要害怕或悲伤，因为他永远生活在上帝身边，也就是他的父亲，尽管他也是上帝。
And also there's this whole Holy Spirit part too that no one really understands.
而且还有整个圣灵的部分，没有人真正理解。
Am I going too fast for you, seven-year-old boy?"
我对你来说是不是太快了，七岁的男孩？”
So you go with that for a few years.
所以你就这样坚持了几年。
And then you're 11 and you get the word that Father Grady wants you to be one of his new altar boys.
然后你 11 岁了，你得到消息说格雷迪神父希望你成为他的新祭坛侍童之一。
He's seen your work at recess on the kickball field, and he thinks you've got what it takes to snuff out candles and hold a chalice and not trip and fall on your robe.
他在踢球场上看到了你在课间休息时的表现，他认为你有能力吹灭蜡烛，握住圣杯，而不是被长袍绊倒。
So I became an altar boy.
于是我就成了一名祭坛侍童。
And the answer's no. I wasn't, and I think it's because they knew I was a talker.
答案是否定的。我不是，我想这是因为他们知道我是一个健谈的人。
I have that look about me.
我就是这样的样子。
And I loved being an altar boy because church was glamorous.
我喜欢当祭坛男孩，因为教堂很迷人。
The priests have these multicolor robes.
祭司们穿着这些彩色长袍。
As an altar boy, even you have a robe, just a plain white one.
作为祭坛侍童，连你也有一件长袍，只是一件朴素的白色。
It's like karate where they start you with the white belt and then you get the different color belts once you start kicking some Devil ass.
就像空手道一样，他们一开始会给你白色腰带，然后一旦你开始踢一些魔鬼的屁股，你就会得到不同颜色的腰带。
So I loved being an altar boy, especially on Christmas.
所以我喜欢当祭坛男孩，尤其是在圣诞节。
That's when I could really show off, because Christmas was cool.
那是我真正可以炫耀的时候，因为圣诞节很酷。
I mean everyone came to Christmas Mass.
我的意思是每个人都来参加圣诞弥撒。
People who you never saw at church came to Christmas mass, people like my brother Joe.
你在教堂从未见过的人来参加圣诞弥撒，比如我的兄弟乔。
And they'd see me there with their families and they'd see me in my robe, all fitting in around the church.
他们会看到我和他们的家人在那里，他们会看到我穿着长袍，一切都适合教堂周围。
I acted like I owned the place.
我表现得就像我拥有这个地方一样。
I'd go, "Oh yeah?
我会说：“哦，是吗？
You want to walk up on the altar?
你想走上祭坛吗？
That's probably not a great idea.
这可能不是一个好主意。
That's where J-Dog hangs out." "You know Jesus too?
那是 J-Dog 常去的地方。” “你也认识耶稣吗？
Yeah, he's a pretty good friend of mine.
是的，他是我的一个很好的朋友。
It's cool of you to come by, but seriously where were you during Advent?" That's for the real diehard Catholics, that last one.
你能过来真是太酷了，但说实话，基督降临节期间你在哪里？”最后一个是针对真正顽固的天主教徒的。
Shortly after I finished college, my mom developed this condition where as far as the doctors could tell, part of her spine was pushing into her spinal cord.
我大学毕业后不久，我妈妈就患上了这种病症，据医生所知，她的部分脊柱推入了脊髓。
And they weren't sure what was happening, but she was experiencing chronic pain all over her body.
他们不确定发生了什么，但她全身都在经历慢性疼痛。
And so the doctors did this operation, and the problem is the pain didn't go away.
所以医生做了这个手术，但问题是疼痛并没有消失。
So my mom was faced with both the original pain and then the pain of this operation.
所以我妈妈既面临着最初的痛苦，又面临着这次手术的痛苦。
And she was laid up for months.
她躺了几个月。
She was in bed.
她正在床上。
And so I came home and lived with them to administer her pain meds, and get her meals.
于是我回到家和他们住在一起，给她服用止痛药，并给她做饭。
She was also prescribed this drug called Ativan, which is an anti-anxiety.
她还服用了一种名为 Ativan 的药物，这是一种抗焦虑药。
And she was supposed to take it three times a day, but pretty soon she wanted to take it five or six times a day.
本来她应该一天吃三次，但很快她就想一天吃五六次了。
And I wasn't sure why.
我不知道为什么。
And I asked her, and she pulled me aside and she said, "I'm dying." And I was so upset that I called her doctor and I asked him if my mom was dying.
我问她，她把我拉到一边说：“我快死了。”我非常沮丧，于是给她的医生打电话，问他我妈妈是不是快要死了。
And he said, "Well we don't know what's happening exactly, but there's no reason to believe she's dying.
他说：“我们不知道到底发生了什么，但没有理由相信她快要死了。
Just make sure she doesn't take too much Ativan.
只要确保她没有服用太多阿蒂凡即可。
It's making her delirious."
这让她神志不清。”
So I hid the Ativan.
所以我把阿蒂凡藏起来了。
And it drove my mother crazy.
这让我妈妈发疯了。
At one point she shouted, "Michael, where is the Ativan?" And I said, "Mom, I can't give you the Ativan." And she said, "I am your mother and if I say get me the Ativan, you get me the Ativan." And I said, "Mom, like fun am I getting you the Ativan."
有一次她喊道：“迈克尔，阿蒂万在哪里？”我说：“妈妈，我不能给你 Ativan。”她说：“我是你的母亲，如果我说给我买 Ativan，你就给我买 Ativan。”我说：“妈妈，我给你买了 Ativan 真是太有趣了。”
She started pulling me aside every day and she'd say, "Michael, I'm dying and I'm going to Hell." And the way she said it wasn't in that exaggerated way that people use it, where they say, I'm going to Hell.
她开始每天把我拉到一边，然后说：“迈克尔，我快死了，我要下地狱了。”她说的方式并不是人们使用它的那种夸张的方式，他们说，我要去地狱。
She said it as though it was the next stop on her train, like it was this actual location.
她说得好像这是她火车的下一站，就像是这个实际位置一样。
It wasn't a concept.
这不是一个概念。
It was like, I'm going to Hell on Tuesday.
就像，我周二就要下地狱。
And I'd say, "Mom, you're not going to Hell." And she said, "No, there's things that I've done in my life that you don't know about." And I'd say "Mom, if you're going to Hell, Hell is going to be really crowded, because I had you as a first-round draft pick for Heaven."
我会说：“妈妈，你不会下地狱的。”她说：“不，我一生中做过一些你不知道的事情。”我会说“妈妈，如果你要去地狱，地狱会非常拥挤，因为我把你作为天堂的第一轮选秀权。”
And she wouldn't laugh.
她不会笑。
I mean there wasn't a lot of laughing in this period.
我的意思是这段时间没有太多笑声。
And eventually my mom got better.
最终我妈妈的病好多了。
But the whole thing shook me up.
但整件事让我震惊。
It was this side of Catholicism I never thought about as a kid.
我小时候从未想过天主教的这一面。
And I never went back to church.
我再也没有回过教堂。
I can't be part of an organization that convinced my mom she was headed for eternal torture.
我不能成为一个让我妈妈相信她将遭受永恒折磨的组织的一员。
Like Hell am I going to a church like that, except of course on Christmas.
我真要去那样的教堂，当然圣诞节除外。
Mike Birbiglia.
迈克·比尔比利亚。
He's the author of a book based on his one-man show called Sleepwalk With Me: and Other Painfully True Stories.
他是一本根据他的单人秀改编的书的作者，书名为《与我一起梦游：以及其他痛苦的真实故事》。
Act Four, One Lord A-Leaping.
第四幕，一位领主A-跳跃。
Gabe Liedman and Jenny Slate perform together all kinds of places.
加布·利德曼 (Gabe Liedman) 和珍妮·斯莱特 (Jenny Slate) 在各种地方一起表演。
They have a video series called Bestie x Bestie .
他们有一个名为 Bestie x Bestie 的视频系列。
They have their own weekly show, Big Terrific in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.
他们在布鲁克林威廉斯堡有自己的每周节目“Big Terrific”。
Please welcome Gabe Liedman and Jenny Slate.
欢迎加布·利德曼和珍妮·斯莱特。
Hi.
嗨。
My name is Jenny.
我叫珍妮。
Gabe Liedman I'm Gabe.
加布·利德曼 我是加布。
We're thrilled to be here.
我们很高兴来到这里。
Yeah.
是的。
We're really excited and we put on our holiday best.
我们真的很兴奋，我们穿上了假期最好的衣服。
Yeah, you look great.
是的，你看起来很棒。
Jenny Slate Thank you very much.
珍妮·斯莱特非常感谢你。
You look really good.
你看起来真不错。
Jenny Slate Well, I think I sort of look like--
珍妮·斯蕾特 嗯，我想我看起来有点像——
You look like Stevie Nicks.
你看起来像史蒂夫·尼克斯。
Jenny Slate Oh, thank you.
珍妮·斯莱特 哦，谢谢。
It is the highest compliment you can give a woman.
这是你能给女人的最高赞美。
I don't want to ruin the vibe or anything, but I'd just like to say how happy I am to have a boyfriend that I can also perform with--
我不想破坏气氛什么的，但我只想说我很高兴有一个可以和我一起表演的男朋友——
A what?
一个什么？
Jenny Slate --over the holidays--
珍妮·斯蕾特——假期里——
A what?
一个什么？
Jenny Slate --because it's really like a double [INTERPOSING VOICES].
Jenny Slate——因为它真的很像一个替身[插入声音]。
She's kidding.
她在开玩笑。
Yeah, we're not a couple.
是的，我们不是情侣。
You guys probably already know that without being told, because you can hear my voice.
你们可能已经知道了，无需告诉，因为你们可以听到我的声音。
And to be in a couple is very important to me.
成为情侣对我来说非常重要。
We're just friends and comedy partners and we spend all the time together in the world.
我们只是朋友和喜剧搭档，我们在世界上所有的时间都在一起度过。
I'm a very loving person.
我是一个非常有爱心的人。
Gabe Liedman But we're just friends and we work together.
Gabe Liedman 但我们只是朋友，我们一起工作。
It's sort of my main quality that I'm very loving.
这是我非常热爱的主要品质。
Obviously.
显然。
No duh times a million.
没有废话乘以一百万。
And I can tell she's pretty.
我可以说她很漂亮。
I'm happy about it.
我对此很高兴。
Gabe Liedman I'm not blind.
加布·利德曼 我没瞎。
I'm not a blind comedian.
我不是一个盲目的喜剧演员。
But it is lovely to be in love because--
但相爱是美好的，因为——
Yeah, or in whatever.
是的，或者无论什么。
Just hanging out in Brooklyn.
刚刚在布鲁克林闲逛。
I'm very, very grateful.
我非常非常感激。
I'm just in general in sort of a sappy mood I guess, because I really, really love the holidays.
我猜我的心情总体来说比较乐观，因为我真的非常喜欢假期。
Me too.
我也是。
Jenny Slate I get super into it.
珍妮·斯莱特（Jenny Slate）我非常喜欢它。
Or I love other people's holidays.
或者我喜欢别人的假期。
I wish I had Christmas.
我希望我能过圣诞节。
Yeah, we're Jewish.
是的，我们是犹太人。
Yeah.
是的。
Jenny Slate But I love Hanukkah.
珍妮·斯蕾特 但我喜欢光明节。
I love it.
我喜欢它。
You do?
你知道吗？
Jenny Slate Yeah.
珍妮·斯莱特 是的。
My family just floored it, and I can remember almost all of my presents that I got.
我的家人刚刚把它摔倒了，我几乎记得我收到的所有礼物。
They were so shocking and awesome, I can remember each one.
它们是如此令人震惊和令人敬畏，我可以记住每一个。
You're so lucky.
你真幸运。
I don't know what this says about me.
我不知道这对我来说意味着什么。
I mean I know my parents were the sweetest people ever.
我的意思是我知道我的父母是有史以来最可爱的人。
They were such good parents, but all I can remember is my worst Hanukkah present.
他们是很好的父母，但我只记得我最糟糕的光明节礼物。
What was it?
那是什么？
Gabe Liedman I have two siblings.
加布·利德曼 我有两个兄弟姐妹。
And one night for Hanukkah we all opened our presents and we had all gotten thermometers.
光明节的一天晚上，我们都打开了礼物，都收到了温度计。
No!
不！
That's horrible!
太可怕了！
Gabe Liedman All three of us, three thermometers.
Gabe Liedman 我们三个人，三个温度计。
That's medical!
这就是医学啊！
Gabe Liedman No, not for taking a fever.
加布·利德曼 不，不是因为发烧。
It was for the temperature outside.
是为了外面的温度。
No, that's even worse!
不，这更糟糕！
Gabe Liedman It's way worse.
加布·利德曼 情况更糟。
I don't even get that.
我什至不明白。
Why don't you just use your face?
为什么不直接用脸呢？
How does it feel on your face?
你脸上感觉如何？
Yeah, totally.
是的，完全可以。
Jenny Slate Why did you each need one?
珍妮·斯蕾特 为什么你们每个人都需要一个？
I don't know.
我不知道。
Jenny Slate You only need one, right?
珍妮·斯蕾特 你只需要一个，对吗？
Yeah.
是的。
You don't need any!
你不需要任何！
Jenny Slate Right.
珍妮·斯莱特 对。
You don't need any.
你不需要任何。
We had AOL.
我们有美国在线。
It was fine.
很好。
It was fine.
很好。
Everyone knew what the weather was.
每个人都知道天气如何。
I really love your parents.
我真的很爱你的父母。
Gabe Liedman They're the best.
加布·利德曼 他们是最棒的。
That would be weird.
那会很奇怪。
Jenny Slate But that is a horrible present and it's stupid and I don't like it.
珍妮·斯蕾特 但这是一份可怕的礼物，而且很愚蠢，我不喜欢它。
Yeah.
是的。
Jenny Slate But what I want to talk more about is how good one of my presents was one time.
珍妮·斯莱特（Jenny Slate）但我更想谈谈的是我的一件礼物曾经有多好。
I think that I'll never die because of the energy that I got from that one day of getting the present.
我想我永远不会死，因为我从得到礼物的那一天获得了能量。
It gave me an extra heart somewhere in my body.
它在我身体的某个地方给了我一颗额外的心。
That's how exciting it was.
就是这样令人兴奋。
OK.
好的。
It was from my grandparents, who were a wild card, a lot of mock turtlenecks in the mix for sure.
它来自我的祖父母，他们是一个外卡，肯定有很多仿高领毛衣。
Yes definitely.
是的，绝对是。
Jenny Slate But I opened it up, and it was a digital clock radio-- Hold on.
珍妮·斯蕾特 但我打开它，它是一个数字时钟收音机——等等。
I know.
我知道。
--with a tape deck in it.
——里面有一个磁带座。
Nice.
不错。
Jenny Slate And then my older sister to top it off gave me a cassingle--
珍妮·斯蕾特 然后我姐姐给了我一个砂锅——
Yes, of course.
是的，当然。
Jenny Slate Gabe taught me that word.
珍妮·斯莱特·加布教了我这个词。
--of "From a Distance" by Bette Middler, which I know how to sign.
——贝蒂·米德勒的《From a Distance》，我知道如何签名。
Yes.
是的。
Jenny Slate Thank you.
珍妮·斯莱特 谢谢你。
I know.
我知道。
And I woke up every morning to "From a Distance" and I felt mature.
每天早上我都会听着《来自远方》醒来，我感觉自己成熟了。
I felt beautiful.
我感觉很美丽。
I felt ready for my day.
我觉得我已经准备好迎接新的一天了。
Yes, that is a good present.
是的，这是一个很好的礼物。
Jenny Slate Well I didn't ask for any presents this year, because I have everything that I need.
Jenny Slate 嗯，今年我没有要求任何礼物，因为我已经拥有了我需要的一切。
And I would like to say that the best gift that I could have ever received is to have a wonderful boyfriend like Gabe Liedman.
我想说，我能收到的最好的礼物就是拥有一个像加布·利德曼这样出色的男朋友。
Or whatever that you have.
或者无论你有什么。
Jenny Slate That's right.
珍妮·斯莱特 没错。
So, Season's Greetings.
那么，季节的问候。
Season's Greetings, guys.
季节的问候，伙计们。
Jenny Slate Let's find some mistletoe!
珍妮·斯蕾特 让我们去找一些槲寄生吧！
Yeah, and take it down so no one gets hurt!
是的，把它拿下来，这样就不会有人受伤了！
It's poisonous.
它有毒。
Happy Holidays!
节日快乐！
Thank you.
谢谢你。
Gabe Liedman Goodnight.
加布·利德曼晚安。
Jenny Slate wrote and voiced the award-winning film Marcel the Shell with Shoes On , and can be seen on HBO's Bored to Death .
珍妮·斯莱特 (Jenny Slate) 为获奖影片《穿鞋的马塞尔》编剧并配音，该影片在 HBO 的《无聊至死》中播出。
Gabe Liedman writes for videogum.com, and can be seen on AOL.com's new series, The One.
Gabe Liedman 为 videogum.com 撰稿，并出现在 AOL.com 的新系列《The One》中。
Act Five, 'Twas the Fight Before Christmas.
第五幕，“这是圣诞节前的战斗”。
So we booked a bunch of comedians to do stories about Christmas.
所以我们请了一群喜剧演员来做有关圣诞节的故事。
And for reasons I don't even understand or care to speculate about just a number of them ended up doing stories that heavily involved their moms.
由于我什至不理解或不愿意猜测的原因，他们中的一些人最终创作了与他们的母亲密切相关的故事。
Go figure.
去算算吧。
Please welcome our next comedian, Julian McCullough.
请欢迎我们的下一位喜剧演员朱利安·麦卡洛。
When I was a 14 years old, I lived with my dad and my mom in southern New Jersey.
当我 14 岁的时候，我和爸爸妈妈住在新泽西州南部。
And one Sunday, my mom was like, "Hey, let's go out to your favorite restaurant for breakfast." And I was like, "Why?
有一天，我妈妈说：“嘿，我们去你最喜欢的餐厅吃早餐吧。”我当时想，“为什么？
OK." So we go to breakfast and after we leave we're driving home, and she stops.
好吧。”所以我们去吃早餐，离开后我们开车回家，她停了下来。
The car has to stop at a railroad crossing.
汽车必须停在铁路道口。
And she turns to me and she says, "How would you feel if I moved to Tennessee?" And I kind of understood the finality of what she was saying, even though she didn't use the word divorce or anything like that.
她转向我说：“如果我搬到田纳西州，你会有什么感觉？”我有点理解她所说的话的最终意义，尽管她没有使用“离婚”或类似的词。
And it's amazing how fast defense mechanisms can kick in, because I remember immediately my reaction was, "Oh my God.
令人惊讶的是，防御机制的启动速度如此之快，因为我立即记得我的反应是：“哦，天哪。
Go.
去。
When was the last time Patricia did something for Patricia?"
帕特里夏最后一次为帕特里夏做事是什么时候？”
So another thing you should know is that this didn't seem that strange to me, because my parents had moved us so many times.
所以你应该知道的另一件事是，这对我来说并不奇怪，因为我的父母已经多次搬家了。
I was born in Philadelphia.
我出生在费城。
We had lived in Portland, Oakland, San Francisco, Pittsfield, Massachusetts, and southern New Jersey.
我们曾住在波特兰、奥克兰、旧金山、马萨诸塞州皮茨菲尔德和新泽西州南部。
People always asked if I was an Army brat, and it wasn't true at all.
人们总是问我是不是一名陆军小子，但事实并非如此。
My parents would just get bored and move us.
我的父母只会感到无聊并搬走我们。
So I was used to an unstable existence.
所以我已经习惯了不稳定的存在。
I was new in school almost every year.
我几乎每年都是新来的。
And I just thought this seemed kind of logical for my mom to all of a sudden move to Tennessee for no reason.
我只是觉得我妈妈突然无缘无故搬到田纳西州似乎是合乎逻辑的。
So that started a series of visits to my mom down in Tennessee for the next five years.
就这样，我在接下来的五年里开始了对田纳西州妈妈的一系列探访。
I would go in the summers when I didn't have school.
我会在暑假没有上学的时候去。
And I really started to dread it.
我真的开始害怕它。
By the second time that I went to visit her, my mom's new boyfriend, Rick, showed up at the airport to pick me up.
当我第二次去看望她时，我妈妈的新男友瑞克出现在机场接我。
And Rick showed up on a Harley, which is a motorcycle, to pick someone up at an airport.
瑞克骑着哈雷摩托车出现在机场接人。
And I was like, "That's awesome.
我当时想，“那太棒了。
I'll just leave my bags on the twirly thing until I go back to New Jersey." He was wearing a T-shirt that's very popular.
我会把我的包放在这个扭曲的东西上，直到我回到新泽西。”他穿着一件非常受欢迎的 T 恤。
It's a Harley Davidson T-shirt, and the back of it said, "If you can read this, the bitch fell off." And I was like, "That's my mom.
这是一件哈雷戴维森 T 恤，背面写着：“如果你能读懂这句话，那婊子就掉下来了。”我当时想，“那是我妈妈。
Is she OK?
她还好吗？
Let's get her."
我们去抓她吧。”
To give you an idea of what Rick looked like, he was about 5'7".
为了让您了解 Rick 的样子，他身高约 5 英尺 7 英寸。
He had been a commercial roofer for many years.
他多年来一直是一名商业屋顶工。
He had started out in a biker gang, and I guess decided to move on from that life and became a commercial roofer.
他最初是在一个骑自行车的帮派中开始的，我想他决定摆脱这种生活，成为一名商业屋顶工人。
So he was very, very strong and muscly and very red.
所以他非常非常强壮，肌肉发达，而且非常红。
He was red everywhere from the sun and from just anger.
由于阳光和愤怒，他浑身通红。
And the tension between me and Rick started immediately and built from there.
我和里克之间的紧张关系立即开始并逐渐加剧。
See, I thought Rick was an anti-intellectual, homophobic, racist, gun-toting alcoholic.
看，我以为里克是一个反知识分子、恐同者、种族主义者、持枪酗酒者。
And Rick thought that I was a wimpy, arrogant, self-entitled kid whose grandparents were putting him through college.
里克认为我是一个懦弱、傲慢、自以为是的孩子，他的祖父母正在供他读完大学。
And we were both dead on.
我们俩都全力以赴。
So finally after five years of going down there in the summers, my mom convinces me and my sister to visit her for Christmas for the first time.
因此，在夏天去那里五年后，我妈妈终于说服我和我妹妹第一次去看她过圣诞节。
She had always been begging, "Hey, maybe for Christmas one year you should come down." And I didn't want to do that for a couple reasons.
她总是乞求，“嘿，也许你应该下来过一年圣诞节。”我不想这样做有几个原因。
One, you just heard everything.
第一，你刚刚听到了一切。
Two, I had a sweet Christmas going on with my dad's parents.
第二，我和爸爸的父母一起度过了一个甜蜜的圣诞节。
My grandparents in Philadelphia threw the most amazing Christmas.
我在费城的祖父母度过了最美妙的圣诞节。
They threw a Thomas Kinkade painting Christmas.
他们扔了一幅托马斯·金凯德的《圣诞节》画作。
But finally me and my sister-- she lived in San Francisco at the time, she was older --decided we would do that for my mom.
但最后我和我姐姐——她当时住在旧金山，她年纪大了——决定我们会为我妈妈做这件事。
And we go to Christmas.
我们去圣诞节。
Now Rick was on his best behavior.
现在瑞克表现出了他最好的表现。
In fact, he had a smile plastered on his face that my mom had clearly put there for him.
事实上，他脸上挂着微笑，这显然是我妈妈为他准备的。
But it's going fine.
但一切进展顺利。
He's behaving himself, and so are we.
他表现得很好，我们也表现得很好。
And we have dinner that night, and my mom cooked a great dinner.
那天晚上我们共进晚餐，我妈妈做了一顿丰盛的晚餐。
One other thing is that my mom was a vegetarian my entire life.
另一件事是我妈妈一生都是素食主义者。
And she also was a poet, and she read all the time, and she meditated.
她也是一位诗人，她一直读书，她冥想。
She did all these things until she got to Tennessee and she threw all of that out the window, because it made them uncomfortable.
她做了所有这些事情，直到她到达田纳西州，然后她把所有这些都扔到了窗外，因为这让他们感到不舒服。
So she started eating meat and cooking ribs and wings and shepherds pie.
于是她开始吃肉、做排骨、鸡翅和牧羊人馅饼。
And that's what we had for dinner.
这就是我们晚餐吃的。
She also got tattoos at 47.
她在47岁时还纹了纹身。
She got a black widow spider on her hand.
她手上有一只黑寡妇蜘蛛。
[LAUGHTER] That's the laugh of a man who that's not his mom.
[笑声] 那是一个不是他妈妈的男人的笑声。
She also had a tattoo of an apple with a bite taken out of it on her upper thigh, which I didn't need to see to believe.
她的大腿上还有一个苹果被咬了一口的纹身，我不需要亲眼所见就能相信。
And by the way, I have to give them credit.
顺便说一句，我必须给予他们信任。
They did a great job on the house.
他们把房子做得很好。
It was decorated, lit with Christmas lights everywhere.
到处都装饰一新，到处都挂满了圣诞彩灯。
The tree was big and decorated.
这棵树很大，而且装饰得很漂亮。
And there were presents.
还有礼物。
And we were sitting down to this dinner, and my mom was obviously really excited to have us there.
我们坐下来吃晚饭，我妈妈显然很高兴我们能在那里。
She was so happy, she was choking back tears.
她太高兴了，强忍着泪水。
And Rick was drinking tequila out of a bottle to celebrate the fact that he had tequila, a whole bottle.
瑞克正在喝一瓶龙舌兰酒，以庆祝他拥有一整瓶龙舌兰酒。
So he was drinking Patron Silver, which if you don't know is a very unique bottle.
所以他喝的是Patron Silver，如果你不知道的话，这是一瓶非常独特的酒。
It's a very thick, square, heavy bottle.
这是一个非常厚、方形、重的瓶子。
So he's drinking that.
所以他正在喝那个。
He finishes the entire bottle of Patron Silver at dinner.
晚餐时他喝完了整瓶Patron Silver。
And like a human, passes out.
就像人类一样，昏倒了。
So he goes to lay down, and now it's just me and my mom and my sister.
于是他就躺了下来，现在只剩下我、妈妈和妹妹了。
And it's beautiful.
而且它很漂亮。
And we're having Christmas.
我们正在过圣诞节。
And it's the tree and the fireplace and the music.
这是树、壁炉和音乐。
And we're just catching up.
我们正在迎头赶上。
And I'm making my mom and my sister laugh with stories about college.
我用大学的故事让妈妈和姐姐开怀大笑。
And it's going really nicely.
进展非常顺利。
And then the subject comes up-- I think my mom brought it up --of Rick's pride and how it's always an issue, the Southern/ Northern thing.
然后话题就出现了——我想是我妈妈提起的——里克的骄傲，以及它如何始终是一个问题，南方/北方的事情。
And I said, "You know, it's just so weird for us to understand why he cares so much about that, because you know what the North thinks about the South?" And she said, "What?" And I said, "We don't.
我说，“你知道，我们很奇怪为什么他这么关心这个，因为你知道北方对南方的看法吗？”她说：“什么？”我说：“我们不这样做。
We pretty much won and we're like, bye!" Which I was very proud of at the time.
我们几乎赢了，我们就说，再见！”我当时对此感到非常自豪。
I thought that was very witty.
我觉得这很机智。
Somebody who didn't like it was Rick, who apparently had been awake enough to hear me say that.
瑞克不喜欢这样，他显然已经足够清醒地听到我这么说。
[BOTTLE ROLLING ON THE FLOOR] And that was him getting off of the bed.
[瓶子在地板上滚动]他就从床上起来了。
I've been doing comedy for nine years.
我演喜剧已经九年了。
That's the first time a bottle rolling on the floor was perfect for the story.
这是第一次用在地板上滚动的瓶子来完美地讲述这个故事。
"Uh-oh.
“呃-哦。
He's awake!
他醒了！
It's a Christmas miracle."
这是圣诞节的奇迹。”
All of a sudden, Rick comes out of his bedroom like a bull in a rodeo.
突然，瑞克像牛仔竞技表演中的公牛一样从卧室里走出来。
He charges across the room with just jeans on and no shirt.
他只穿牛仔裤，没穿衬衫，冲过房间。
So he's got all his prison tats showing.
所以他的监狱纹身都暴露了。
He's bright red.
他是鲜红的。
His eyes are just as red as his skin.
他的眼睛和他的皮肤一样红。
And I don't know if any of you have ever dealt with someone that was so drunk that they weren't there, but Rick wasn't there.
我不知道你们中是否有人遇到过喝醉了而自己不在场的人，但瑞克却不在场。
And I've been struggling with how to describe what he was saying for a show like this.
我一直在努力思考如何描述他在这样的节目中所说的话。
So let's just say I'll say what he said, and you guys can put in the F word every other word.
所以我们就说我会说他说的话，你们可以每隔一个词添加一个“F”词。
Fair enough?
很公平？
He came out of the room straight at me first saying, "Get out of my house." And then to my sister, "You get out of my house." Are we doing the F thing?
他走出房间，径直对我说：“滚出我的房子。”然后对我妹妹说：“你滚出我家。”我们正在做F事吗？
OK.
好的。
My mom said, "Rick, please calm down and go back to bed." And I say, "Yeah." And he said-- you can add in a couple of B's and C's on this one too.
我妈妈说：“瑞克，请冷静下来，回去睡觉吧。”我说：“是的。”他说——你也可以在这个上添加几个 B 和 C。
He said, "I don't want these spoiled Yanks in my house.
他说：“我不想让这些被宠坏的美国佬来到我家。
Nobody comes into my house in my country and tells me that I'm not good enough." So my mom says, "Rick, you're drunk and you're being stupid."
在我的国家，没有人走进我的家并告诉我我不够好。”所以我妈妈说：“瑞克，你喝醉了，你很蠢。”
And that's when he turned, grabbed the bottle of Patron Silver that was empty, and threw it at my mom as hard as he could.
就在那时，他转过身来，抓起空了的Patron Silver瓶子，用尽全力向我妈妈扔去。
It hit her in the chest and made a sickening smack sound.
它击中了她的胸口，发出令人作呕的声音。
And her chest immediately started to turned black.
而她的胸口立刻就开始发黑。
My mom bruises easily, but that's not fair either way.
我妈妈很容易受伤，但这无论如何都不公平。
So my mom said to Rick, "You promised you wouldn't do this on Christmas." And that's when me and my sister realized that this was the kind of thing that was going on a lot.
所以我妈妈对里克说：“你答应过圣诞节不会这样做的。”就在那时我和我姐姐意识到这种事情经常发生。
So then he turns to me and he says, "I will kill you tonight." And people say that a lot I think and don't mean it, but that's not what he was doing.
然后他转向我说：“今晚我会杀了你。”人们常说我这么想，但他并不是真心实意的，但这不是他所做的。
So now me and my sister decide to cower behind the Christmas tree, which is a weird place for a Christmas tree to be.
所以现在我和我姐姐决定躲在圣诞树后面，这对于圣诞树来说是一个奇怪的地方。
They're not used to breaking up fights.
他们不习惯阻止争吵。
In fact, the tree was so scared, I think it unplugged itself so that Rick wouldn't notice it.
事实上，这棵树非常害怕，我想它自己拔掉了插头，这样瑞克就不会注意到它。
So now my mom decides that I guess we could leave.
所以现在我妈妈决定我们可以离开了。
So we leave.
所以我们离开。
We get in the car, and Rick is chasing us out to the driveway.
我们上了车，里克正在追我们到车道上。
And we get in a car and just start driving at 1:00AM on Christmas Eve in our pajamas with nowhere to go.
平安夜凌晨 1:00，我们穿着睡衣开车，无处可去。
We eventually find a hotel and stay there overnight.
我们最终找到了一家酒店并在那里过夜。
We're kind of shell-shocked.
我们有点震惊。
Nobody really says much.
没有人真正说太多。
We wake up in the morning and we go to the police station, because my mom needs to go get some things and we don't want to go there without police.
我们早上醒来就去警察局，因为我妈妈需要去拿一些东西，而我们不想在没有警察的情况下去那里。
Also there was a lot of presents.
还有很多礼物。
So we show up back at the house with the police escort, and they had turned the lights on on top of the car, which I thought was festive.
于是我们在警察的护送下回到了房子，他们打开了车顶的灯，我认为这是节日气氛。
And I don't know if you've ever gone into a house with a homicidal maniac and a police escort for your presents, but it's very different than coming down the stairs.
我不知道你是否曾经走进过一个有杀人狂和警察护送你礼物的房子，但这和走下楼梯有很大不同。
So we collected our presents and put them in the trunk and drove away.
于是我们收集了礼物，把它们放进后备箱，然后开车走了。
We went to a Waffle House for breakfast.
我们去华夫饼屋吃早餐。
And normally if you told me, hey, you were going to spend Christmas morning at a Waffle House, I would be depressed.
通常，如果你告诉我，嘿，你要在华夫饼屋度过圣诞节早晨，我会感到沮丧。
But after that night, I didn't care that the eggs weren't locally grown or whatever.
但那天晚上之后，我不在乎这些鸡蛋不是本地种植的还是其他什么。
So we were sitting at breakfast, and it was then that I realized that I'd been going to Tennessee every year because I didn't want my mom to think that I'd abandoned her.
所以我们坐在一起吃早餐，就在那时我意识到我每年都会去田纳西州，因为我不想让我妈妈认为我抛弃了她。
I wanted her to think that in some way I was validating her choice, that I was encouraging her and her new life, even though I hated every decision she made.
我想让她认为我在某种程度上验证了她的选择，我在鼓励她和她的新生活，尽管我讨厌她所做的每一个决定。
And it was after that Christmas Eve that I realized I had no more burden to go to Tennessee ever again.
正是在那个平安夜之后，我意识到我不再有负担再去田纳西州了。
That was the best present I could have gotten.
那是我能得到的最好的礼物。
Thank you very much.
非常感谢。
Ira Glass Julian McCullough.
艾拉·格拉斯朱利安·麦卡洛。
His Comedy Central Presents special can be seen on his website, julianmccoullough.com.
您可以在他的网站 julianmccoullough.com 上看到他的喜剧中心特别节目。
One, two, three, four.
一、二、三、四。
[SINGING - "THE BEST CHRISTMAS SONG EVER"] It's Christmas time.
[唱歌-“有史以来最好的圣诞歌曲”]现在是圣诞节。
And Baby, please don't come home.
还有宝贝，请不要回家。
Not even if you want to.
即使你愿意也不行。
Because for you I've got no Christmas cheer.
因为对你来说我没有圣诞节的欢乐。
It's Christmas time.
现在是圣诞节。
And, Baby, please don't come home, not even if you want to, not after what happened last year.
而且，宝贝，请不要回家，即使你想也不要回家，在去年发生了那件事之后。
Our program was produced today by Jane Feltes, Seth Lind, and me, with Alex Blumberg, Ben Calhoun, Lisa Pollak, Sarah Koenig, Jonathan Menjivar, Robyn Semien, Alissa Shipp, and Nancy Updike.
今天我们的节目由 Jane Feltes、Seth Lind 和我以及 Alex Blumberg、Ben Calhoun、Lisa Pollak、Sarah Koenig、Jonathan Menjivar、Robyn Semien、Alissa Shipp 和 Nancy Updike 制作。
Senior Producer for our show is Julie Snyder.
我们节目的高级制片人是朱莉·斯奈德。
Emily Condon's our Office Manager.
艾米丽·康登是我们的办公室经理。
Production help from Shawn Wen.
Shawn Wen 提供制作帮助。
[ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS] Dave Hill [SINGING] It's Christmas time, and baby please don't come home.
[致谢]戴夫·希尔[唱歌]现在是圣诞节，宝贝请不要回家。
Not even if you want to.
即使你愿意也不行。
Not after what happened last year.
不是去年发生的事情之后。
Yeah, I know, you're already thinking to yourself, wait, what do you mean, Dave?
是的，我知道，你已经在想，等等，你是什么意思，戴夫？
What happened last year?
去年发生了什么？
Well, I'm so glad you asked, Karen!
嗯，我很高兴你问这个问题，凯伦！
Why don't I just refresh your memory?
我为什么不唤醒你的记忆呢？
It was Christmas Eve, and all our friends and family came over to the house.
那是平安夜，我们所有的朋友和家人都来到了我们家。
And yes, Karen, I know it wasn't my house.
是的，凯伦，我知道那不是我的房子。
I don't own a house, Karen.
我没有房子，凯伦。
And I guess that makes me not a real person or something, right?
我想这让我不再是一个真实的人什么的，对吧？
Anyway, so the doorbell rings, and guess who it is?
不管怎样，门铃响了，猜猜是谁？
It's Karen, everybody's favorite.
这是大家最喜欢的凯伦。
Only it's not just you at the door.
只是门口不只有你一个人。
There's some guy with you, too.
还有一个人和你在一起。
Some guy in a dumb sweater.
某个穿着愚蠢毛衣的家伙。
And you walk in and you're all like, Merry Christmas, everybody.
当你走进去时，大家都会说，大家圣诞快乐。
I'd like everyone to meet my boyfriend, Don.
我想让大家认识一下我的男朋友唐。
And naturally, I can't help but think to myself, well that's strange.
当然，我忍不住想，这很奇怪。
I thought I was Karen's boyfriend.
我以为我是凯伦的男朋友
Who the hell is Don?
唐到底是谁？
And so I just decided to go ahead and say it out loud.
所以我决定继续大声说出来。
I said, well that's strange.
我说，这很奇怪。
I thought I was Karen's boyfriend.
我以为我是凯伦的男朋友
Who the hell is Don?
唐到底是谁？
Our website, thisamericanlife.org.
我们的网站 thisamericanlife.org。
WBEZ management oversight for our program by our boss, Mr. Torey Malatia.
我们的老板 Torey Malatia 先生对我们的项目进行 WBEZ 管理监督。
Every day between now and Christmas, you will find him where he always is this time of year, at the downtown store of Marshall Fields in Chicago or whatever they call it now on Santa's lap.
从现在到圣诞节期间的每一天，你都会在每年这个时候都在的地方找到他，在芝加哥马歇尔菲尔兹市中心的商店，或者现在人们所说的圣诞老人腿上。
Go there yourself.
你自己去那里吧。
Find him and he'll tell you himself,
找到他，他会亲自告诉你，
Yep.
是的。
There's no one else who comes here as much as me.
没有人像我一样经常来这里。
You can ask the manager.
你可以问经理。
They let me keep stuff in the bathroom sometimes.
他们有时让我把东西放在浴室里。
I'm Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯。
I'm back next week with more stories of This American Life.
下周我会带着更多《美国生活》的故事回来。
And you know Karen, even though I'm pretty much the manliest guy I know, I'm not made of stone.
你知道凯伦，尽管我几乎是我认识的最有男子气概的人，但我不是石头做的。
So right then and there I couldn't help but burst into tears.
所以当时我就忍不住流下了眼泪。
And what do you do when the floodgates open?
当闸门打开时你会做什么？
You just offer me a tissue like Michael Douglas in the hit movie Wall Street , after he punches Charlie Sheen right in the nose.
你只要给我一张纸巾，就像热门电影《华尔街》中的迈克尔·道格拉斯（Michael Douglas）在打查理·辛（Charlie Sheen）的鼻子后一样。
Well, I'll tell you what, Karen, you might as well have punched me right in the nose, because you already stepped on my heart.
好吧，我告诉你吧，凯伦，你还不如直接打我的鼻子，因为你已经踩到了我的心。
Go ahead, Karen.
来吧，凯伦。
Punch me in the nose.
打我鼻子。
See what I care!
看看我关心什么！
It's Christmas time, and baby please don't come home.
圣诞节到了，宝贝请不要回家。
Unless of course maybe you kind of feel like it, because Karen, I still love you.
当然，除非你有这种感觉，因为凯伦，我仍然爱你。
Still love you.
依然爱你。
I still love you.
我依然爱你。
I still love you.
我依然爱你。
Thank you, good night.
谢谢你，晚安。
[APPLAUSE] Announcer PRI.
[掌声] 播音员 PRI。
Public Radio International.
国际公共广播电台。
This American Life is produced in collaboration with WBEZ Chicago and delivered to stations by PRX The Public Radio Exchange.
《This American Life》与 WBEZ Chicago 合作制作，并由 PRX 公共广播电台传送到各电台。