359: Life After Death - This American Life
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00:00 00:00 Transcript Share This American Life Life Partners How to Listen Episodes Recommended About Overview Staff Announcements Fellowships Jobs Music Make Radio On The Road FAQ Submissions Merch Contact Us Our Other Shows Merch Follow Us Life Partners Subscribe to our newsletter Full episode Toggle Audio and Transcript Sync Transcript | Episode #359 | September 17, 2010 359: Life After Death Note: This American Life is produced for the ear and designed to be heard.
00:00 00:00 文字记录 分享此 美国生活 生活伙伴 如何收听 剧集 推荐 关于 概述 员工公告 奖学金 工作 音乐 在路上制作电台 常见问题解答 提交 商品 联系我们 我们的其他节目 商品 关注我们 生活伙伴 订阅我们的时事通讯 整集 切换音频和文字记录同步 文字记录 | 内容第 359 集 | 2010 年 9 月 17 日 359：死后生命 注：《美国生命》是为耳朵而制作的，旨在让人们听到。
If you are able, we strongly encourage you to listen to the audio, which includes emotion and emphasis that's not on the page.
如果可以的话，我们强烈建议您收听音频，其中包括页面上没有的情感和重点。
Transcripts are generated using a combination of speech recognition software and human transcribers, and may contain errors.
文字记录是使用语音识别软件和人工转录员结合生成的，可能包含错误。
Please check the corresponding audio before quoting in print.
请在印刷版引用前检查相应的音频。
Prologue Ira Glass David says there are only two ways to see it.
序言 Ira Glass David 说只有两种方式可以看到它。
Either he succeeded in inviting the devil into a church camp in Wisconsin or he didn't.
他要么成功地邀请魔鬼进入威斯康星州的一个教堂营地，要么没有成功。
It was right around this time of year.
正是每年的这个时候。
David was 12.
大卫当时 12 岁。
Back home in Sheboygan, he went to a religious school.
回到希博伊根的家中，他去了一所宗教学校。
It was pretty strict, fundamentalist.
这是相当严格的、原教旨主义的。
And one summer night around the campfire he and his friends started talking about all these supernatural things they had heard of.
一个夏夜，他和朋友们围坐在篝火旁，开始谈论他们听说过的所有这些超自然的事情。
Not just ghost stories, but have you ever used a Ouija board?
不只是鬼故事，你用过显灵板吗？
Do you believe in that stuff?
你相信那些东西吗？
And then stories of like, my friend-- Whatever it was, like oh, they were using a juice glass for the Ouija board, and it filled with smoke while they were doing it, you know?
然后是这样的故事，我的朋友——不管是什么，就像哦，他们用果汁杯做显灵板，他们这样做的时候里面充满了烟雾，你知道吗？
Just sort of scaring ourselves and--
只是有点吓唬我们自己，然后——
Right, which is one of the best parts of camp.
是的，这是营地最好的部分之一。
Right.
正确的。
And then the next thing I remember is we all went to sleep.
然后我记得的下一件事是我们都睡了。
And I woke up in the middle of the night.
我在半夜醒来。
I don't know if I was half in a dream, or what.
我不知道我是半梦半醒，还是什么。
But I heard what I thought was something flying over the cabin, this sort of like, whoosh.
但我听到了我认为是有东西飞过机舱的声音，就像是“嗖”的声音。
And in my mind-- with all of the conversation that had gone on earlier in the evening-- I thought it was the devil, that all this talk had somehow opened up some door, like if you use a Ouija board you can bring spirits.
在我的脑海里——考虑到那天晚上早些时候进行的所有谈话——我认为这是魔鬼，所有这些谈话都以某种方式打开了一扇门，就像如果你使用显灵板你可以带来精神一样。
And I knew my friend had a crucifix that he had brought with him, this sort of three inch metal crucifix.
我知道我的朋友随身带着一个十字架，这种三英寸的金属十字架。
And I woke him up.
我叫醒了他。
And I said, can I have that crucifix?
我说，我可以拥有那个十字架吗？
Somehow-- and I know you'll be shocked to hear this-- they all survived that night safely.
不知何故——我知道你听到这个消息一定会感到震惊——那天晚上他们都安全地活了下来。
And the next morning when they all went to the showers, David told the other guys about the sound that he had heard in the middle of the night.
第二天早上，当他们都去洗澡时，大卫告诉其他人他半夜听到的声音。
And they all laughed at him.
他们都嘲笑他。
And later that morning, coming back from sailing, he was going to the cabin to change out of his swimsuit right before lunch.
那天早上晚些时候，航行回来后，他准备在午餐前去船舱换掉泳衣。
And he sees this storm rolling in.
他看到这场风暴正在袭来。
And my mind was still full of these ideas of Ouija boards, and the supernatural, and the devil, and all that stuff.
我的脑子里仍然充满了显灵板、超自然现象、魔鬼以及所有这些东西。
And first of all, I started imagining this storm as coming from the devil, this sort of rumbling off in the distance as coming from the devil.
首先，我开始想象这场风暴来自魔鬼，这种在远处隆隆作响的声音就像来自魔鬼。
And for whatever reason, my reaction was to sort of challenge the devil, to sort of be like, OK, come on, bring it on.
不管出于什么原因，我的反应是挑战魔鬼，有点像，好吧，来吧，加油。
Come and fight me, or fight us, let's see what you got.
来和我战斗，或者和我们战斗，让我们看看你能得到什么。
I'm at a church camp.
我在教堂营地。
And I'm with God.
我与神同在。
And you're not.
而你不是。
And all that.
还有这一切。
But I also remember saying, six, six, six, over and over again, which is just more like a curiosity thing to see what would happen, just this sort of childhood curiosity.
但我也记得一遍又一遍地说，六，六，六，这更像是一种好奇心，想看看会发生什么，只是这种童年的好奇心。
Well that seems to do the job, because right away it starts to pour.
嗯，这似乎成功了，因为马上就开始倾盆大雨。
And not just pour this light summer drizzle.
而不仅仅是倾洒这夏日的细雨。
This was a torrential, Old Testament downpour, the kind where your clothes are immediately sopping wet, you're drenched instantaneously.
这是一场旧约里的倾盆大雨，衣服立刻就湿透了，瞬间就湿透了。
David thought, OK, that worked.
大卫想，好吧，这行得通。
And he got back to his cabin, and changed his clothes for lunch.
他回到自己的小屋，换了衣服准备吃午饭。
And he saw the guy who he had borrowed the crucifix from the night before, whose name was Joe.
他看到了前一天晚上借来的十字架的那个人，他的名字叫乔。
And I said to Joe, do you want me to wait for you to go to lunch?
我对乔说，你想让我等你去吃午饭吗？
Because we would often walk to lunch together.
因为我们经常一起走路去吃午饭。
We were buddies.
我们是朋友。
And he said, no, just go ahead without me.
他说，不，不用我，你就继续吧。
And then I put my parka on.
然后我穿上派克大衣。
And I'm rushing to the mess hall.
我正赶往食堂。
And just as I'm about to get to the mess hall, there is the loudest thunder that I'd ever heard in my entire life, just this humongous crack of thunder.
就在我快要到达食堂的时候，突然传来了我一生中听到过的最响亮的雷声，巨大的雷声。
And I didn't see anything.
而我什么也没看到。
I don't remember seeing a flash or anything like that.
我不记得看到过闪光或类似的东西。
But the next thing I know, one of our counselors comes running from behind, just white as a ghost.
但接下来我知道，我们的一位辅导员从后面跑了过来，脸色苍白得像鬼一样。
And he just says, they've been hit.
他只是说，他们被击中了。
They got hit.
他们被击中了。
And about 50 yards behind me, lightning had struck.
在我身后大约 50 码处，闪电击中了我。
And six kids got struck in all.
总共有六个孩子被击中。
The six kids included Joe, who had told David not to wait up for him.
这六个孩子包括乔，他告诉大卫不要等他。
As the ambulances arrived, David and all the other campers were ushered into the mess hall.
当救护车到达时，大卫和所有其他营员被带进食堂。
And it took a few days before they were told exactly what happened.
几天后他们才被告知到底发生了什么。
The chaplain made an announcement at services in front of everybody.
牧师在仪式上当着所有人的面宣布了这一消息。
And he gets up there, and sort of takes a deep breath.
他站起来，深吸了一口气。
His hands are folded in front of him.
他的双手交叉在身前。
And I think he names off all the names.
我认为他列出了所有的名字。
He says, these six kids were struck by lightning.
他说，这六个孩子被闪电击中了。
There was this boy named Rico who was killed instantly.
有一个叫里科的男孩，他当场就被杀了。
And then he said, Joe survived-- and I just remember this pause.
然后他说，乔活了下来——我只记得这个停顿。
And I was thinking that he was going to say, but he's in a coma.
我以为他会这么说，但他正处于昏迷状态。
And then he said, Joe survived-- until Friday.
然后他说，乔活了下来——直到周五。
And I mean I just collapsed.
我的意思是我刚刚崩溃了。
I just collapsed on the ground.
我简直瘫倒在地上了。
I think it would be impossible not to feel that-- especially at the age of 12-- not to feel that I had done something to make that happen.
我想我不可能不感觉到——尤其是在 12 岁的时候——不感觉到我做了一些事情来实现这一点。
David still had the metal crucifix that Joe had given him the night before he had been hit by lightning.
大卫还保留着乔在他被闪电击中前一天晚上送给他的金属十字架。
David knew what he had secretly asked the devil to do.
大卫知道他暗中要求魔鬼做什么。
And so while everybody at camp took the news really hard, he might have taken it the hardest.
因此，虽然营地里的每个人都对这个消息感到非常难过，但他可能是最难接受的。
I had been told that you don't mess with spirits.
有人告诉我，你不能扰乱灵魂。
You don't mess with that kind of stuff, because it's real.
你不要乱搞那种东西，因为它是真实的。
Spirits are real.
精神是真实的。
And ghosts are real.
而且鬼魂是真实存在的。
And the devil is real.
而魔鬼是真实存在的。
And I had very directly challenged the devil.
我非常直接地挑战了魔鬼。
And it resulted in somebody I was close to being killed.
这导致了我差点被杀的一个人。
So David went to his counselor.
于是大卫去找他的谋士。
And the counselor had him talk to the priest.
辅导员让他和牧师谈话。
And all the adults said kind of what you would expect.
所有的成年人都说了一些你所期望的。
It wasn't David's fault.
这不是大卫的错。
He shouldn't blame himself.
他不应该责怪自己。
Don't worry about it.
别担心。
But because this was a church camp, David had expected something very different.
但由于这是一个教堂营地，大卫的预期截然不同。
It was confusing, this reaction he was getting from the adults.
令人困惑的是，他从大人们那里得到了这种反应。
When the adults told you, don't worry about it.
大人告诉你了，你就不用担心了。
It wasn't the devil.
那不是魔鬼。
Did you feel like no, no, no. That's not what you taught me.
你有没有感觉不，不，不。那不是你教我的。
Yeah, it's kind of like after I talked with the priest, I thought, don't you believe this, dude?
是的，就像我和牧师交谈后，我想，你不相信这个吗，伙计？
I mean it's like here you are, a priest.
我的意思是，你就像在这里，一个牧师。
And I'm telling you this very serious thing happened within the system that you advocate.
我告诉你，这件非常严重的事情发生在你所倡导的体系内。
And then you're just telling me to ignore it.
然后你只是告诉我忽略它。
It's almost like oh we'll drop this because it's convenient now.
就好像哦，我们会放弃这个，因为现在很方便。
It's like it's more convenient to not believe this.
好像不相信这个更方便。
So we'll just not do it right now.
所以我们现在不会这样做。
Let's just suspend it for this one circumstance.
鉴于这种情况，我们就暂停一下吧。
This one circumstance, the biggest thing that could possibly happen.
这种情况，可能发生的最大的事情。
Right.
正确的。
This stuff is only real as long as it's not taken really seriously.
只要不认真对待，这些东西才是真实的。
For a couple of years right after the lightning strike, David used to tell people what happened so he could see their reactions.
在雷击发生后的几年里，大卫常常告诉人们发生了什么事，这样他就能看到他们的反应。
He wasn't sure what to think-- if it was the devil at work or not-- and he wanted to gauge what other people thought.
他不知道该怎么想——是否是魔鬼在作怪——他想了解一下其他人的想法。
But after a while he stopped telling people.
但过了一段时间，他就不再告诉别人了。
It's such an intense story that even with people who didn't believe in the devil, it seemed to contaminate how they saw him.
这是一个如此激烈的故事，即使对于那些不相信魔鬼的人来说，它似乎也影响了他们对魔鬼的看法。
It seemed to raise a question about him.
这似乎对他提出了疑问。
And slowly, over the next few years, David stopped believing what he'd been taught.
在接下来的几年里，大卫慢慢地不再相信他所学到的东西。
He stopped believing the devil exists, and is out there throwing lightning bolts at whoever he wants.
他不再相信魔鬼的存在，而是向任何他想要的人扔闪电。
I sort of wonder how much of me not believing that has to do with the fact that when I was a kid something happened that, if I continued to believe that the devil can work that way, would make me sort of a killer.
我有点想知道，我有多少人不相信这与以下事实有关：当我还是个孩子的时候，发生了一些事情，如果我继续相信魔鬼可以这样工作，就会让我成为一个杀手。
There is no in between.
两者之间没有任何关系。
It made it untenable to continue believing the devil is real.
这使得继续相信魔鬼是真实的变得站不住脚。
Are you afraid that some people are going to hear you describe this on the radio, and they'll think, well actually you've got it wrong, and in the way they see the world, you actually did call on the devil, and that's what killed your friend?
你是否担心有些人会在广播中听到你描述这一点，他们会想，好吧，实际上你弄错了，在他们看待世界的方式中，你实际上确实召唤了魔鬼，而这就是杀死你朋友的原因？
I'm not afraid that that will happen.
我并不担心这种事会发生。
I know that that will happen.
我知道那会发生。
I know that people will hear this and think that I brought the devil down on my friend.
我知道人们听到这句话后会认为我把魔鬼降到了我的朋友身上。
I don't know.
我不知道。
I don't know if I have anything to say to them.
我不知道我是否有什么话要对他们说。
What can you say to somebody who blames you for a death that you don't think is your fault?
如果有人因你的死亡而责怪你，而你却认为这不是你的错，你能对他说什么？
Well today on our show, Life After Death, we have people on the show today in a situation that most of us never imagine we're going to be in.
今天，在我们的节目《死后的生命》中，今天节目中的人们处于我们大多数人从未想象过的境地。
And in fact, the people on the program never thought that they would be in the situation they are in.
事实上，节目中的人从来没有想到他们会陷入现在的境地。
You can't make a bigger mistake.
你不能犯更大的错误。
You can't fix it once somebody is dead.
一旦有人死了，你就无法修复它。
These people are haunted by the role they played in somebody's death.
这些人因自己在某人的死亡中所扮演的角色而感到困扰。
And even in situations where everyone says they're blameless, where they seem blameless, they have a hard time feeling blameless.
即使在每个人都说他们无可指责、他们看起来无可指责的情况下，他们也很难感到无可指责。
Stay with us.
留在我们身边。
Act One, Guilty As Not Charged.
第一幕，未受指控而有罪。
Darin Strauss tells this story.
达林·施特劳斯讲述了这个故事。
It's a true story, though we've changed everybody's name but Darin's, out of consideration for the family of the girl in this story, who Darin calls Celine Zilke.
这是一个真实的故事，尽管出于对故事中女孩（达林称之为席琳·齐尔克）家庭的考虑，我们更改了除达林之外的每个人的名字。
Here's Darin Strauss.
这是达林·施特劳斯。
Half my life ago I killed a girl.
我前半生杀了一个女孩。
It happened in 1988.
事情发生在1988年。
I had just turned 18.
我当时刚满18岁。
And my friends and I were headed to shoot a few rounds of putt-putt golf.
我和我的朋友们正要去打几轮推杆高尔夫球。
We had a week of high school left before graduation.
距离毕业还有一周的时间。
I was driving.
我当时正在开车。
Far ahead, on the right shoulder, a pair of tiny bicyclists bent over their handlebars.
前方远处，右肩上，一对小小的自行车骑手弯下车把。
It was a four lane highway.
那是一条四车道高速公路。
And my Oldsmobile was in the left lane, going south.
我的奥兹莫比尔在左边车道，向南行驶。
I think I futzed with the radio.
我想我把收音机弄乱了。
A song I liked had come on.
一首我喜欢的歌响起来了。
Then one of the riders did something.
然后其中一名骑手做了一些事情。
I remember just that, a glitch up ahead.
我只记得前面有一个小故障。
After a wobble or two, the bicyclist hopped into the road, maybe 30 feet ahead of me.
摇晃了一两下后，骑自行车的人跳上了马路，距离我大约 30 英尺。
My tires lapped up the distance that separated us.
我的轮胎磨合了我们之间的距离。
Then suddenly the bicyclist made a crisp turn into the left lane, just 10 feet ahead of my hurrying car.
然后，突然，骑自行车的人突然转入左侧车道，距离我那辆疾驰的汽车仅 10 英尺。
For a second, her dark blond hair appeared very clearly in my windshield.
一瞬间，她的深金色头发清晰地出现在我的挡风玻璃上。
I remember a kind of mechanical curiosity about why this was happening and what it might mean.
我记得有一种机械般的好奇心，想知道为什么会发生这种情况以及它可能意味着什么。
The next moment has been, for all my life, a kind of shadowy giant.
在我的一生中，下一刻就像是一个阴暗的巨人。
I'm able-- tick by tick-- to lay out each second.
我能够——一滴一滴地——规划每一秒。
Radio, friends, thoughts of bailing on mini-golf and heading to the beach, distance between car and bicycles closing.
收音机、朋友、打迷你高尔夫、去海滩的想法、汽车和自行车之间的距离越来越近。
Anything could still happen.
任何事情仍然可能发生。
And then it's too late.
然后就太晚了。
My forearm hooks to protect my eyes.
我的前臂钩住以保护我的眼睛。
My friends shout.
我的朋友们喊道。
And I picture a cartoon of my foot disappearing under the dash, kicking down for the break, reaching farther than any leg can go.
我想象出一幅漫画，我的脚消失在仪表板下，向下踢以休息，伸出的距离比任何腿都可以走得更远。
Yet the hood of my car met Celine Zilke at 40 miles an hour.
然而我的汽车引擎盖却以每小时 40 英里的速度遇到了席琳·齐尔克 (Celine Zilke)。
Her head cracked the windshield.
她的头撞破了挡风玻璃。
I remember the yellow reflector from her spokes flipping past us and over the roof.
我记得她辐条上的黄色反光镜从我们身边掠过，飞过屋顶。
The car made it onto the grassy median.
车子驶上了绿草如茵的中央隔离带。
I must have done all the normal driverish things, put on the hazards, killed the engine.
我肯定已经做了所有正常的驾驶事情，增加了危险，关掉了引擎。
I must have stepped onto the grass.
我一定是踩到了草地上。
I just have no memory of how I got there.
我只是不记得我是如何到达那里的。
Celine Zilke, the girl I killed, was 16.
我杀死的那个女孩席琳·齐尔克 (Celine Zilke) 当时 16 岁。
And I knew her.
我认识她。
She went to my school.
她去了我的学校。
She was an 11th grader.
她是一名十一年级学生。
I can see her playing field hockey in blue gym shorts, settled in beside friends on the concrete benches of the court yard, scribbling notes in the public speaking class we took together.
我可以看到她穿着蓝色运动短裤打曲棍球，坐在庭院水泥长凳上的朋友旁边，在我们一起上的公开演讲课上记笔记。
Celine had sat by the window.
席琳坐在窗边。
Now I walked to where Celine lay in the road.
现在我走到赛琳躺在路上的地方。
I didn't know who I'd hit, or even that we'd had a serious collision.
我不知道我撞到了谁，甚至不知道我们发生了严重的碰撞。
I thought in terms of broken arms and getting in trouble with my parents.
我想到了手臂骨折和与父母发生麻烦的情况。
Then I reached her and noticed the peculiar stillness of her face, which transformed her.
然后我走到她身边，注意到她脸上奇特的平静，这改变了她。
I didn't recognize her.
我没认出她来。
Celine's eyes were open.
席琳的眼睛睁开了。
But her gaze seemed to extend only an inch or so.
但她的目光似乎只延伸了一英寸左右。
A small imprinted purple horseshoe of blood was pressed in the space between her eyebrows.
她的眉心处，压着一道小小的紫色马蹄血印。
I think maybe she's hurt, my friend Dave said.
“我想她可能受伤了，”我的朋友戴夫说。
This might seem an obvious or even a dense statement when you hear it now, but not if you were there.
当你现在听到这句话时，这似乎是一个显而易见的，甚至是一个沉重的陈述，但如果你在场的话，情况就不是这样了。
I could feel my breathing rev up, and that's all.
我能感觉到我的呼吸加快，仅此而已。
A tragedy's first act is crowded with supporting players, policeman scribbling in pads and making radio calls, witnesses crimping their faces, EMS guys folding equipment.
悲剧的第一幕挤满了支持者，警察在笔记本上乱写乱画，拨打无线电电话，目击者皱着眉头，急救人员折叠设备。
I must have managed to ask about Celine's condition, because at some point the cops told me that she was unconscious but still alive.
我一定设法询问了席琳的情况，因为警察在某个时候告诉我，她已经失去知觉，但还活着。
I remember talk of cardiac arrest, of a medevac helicopter on its way.
我记得有关心脏骤停和一架医疗救护直升机正在途中的谈论。
I had the strangest feeling that everyone was responding appropriately to what must have been an emergency.
我有一种最奇怪的感觉，每个人都对这一定是紧急情况做出了适当的反应。
But I still didn't have the feeling there was anything to freak out about.
但我仍然不觉得有什么值得惊慌的。
This was something that was being fixed.
这是正在修复的问题。
Police had suspended traffic on both sides of the highway.
警方已暂停高速公路两侧的交通。
My friends made cameo appearances as standers, mullers, back rubbers.
我的朋友们客串了替补、替补、后卫等角色。
I thought, how strange that in normal life we touched each other so rarely.
我想，在平时的生活中我们很少互相碰触，这真是太奇怪了。
The most embarrassing memory of that day was when two teenage girls materialized from one of the stopped cars nearby.
那天最尴尬的记忆是，两名十几岁的女孩从附近一辆停着的汽车中出现。
They were pretty and not from my school.
他们很漂亮，但不是我学校的。
I remember they were both in shorts and white sleeveless undershirts.
我记得他们都穿着短裤和白色无袖汗衫。
One of them smelled strongly of suntan oil.
其中一件散发着强烈的防晒油气味。
Hey, she said, were you in that crash?
嘿，她说，你在那场车祸中了吗？
Her voice was a mix of shyness, concern, and pure nosiness.
她的声音混合着害羞、关心和纯粹的爱管闲事。
Yeah, I said, I was.
是的，我说过，我是。
Having acknowledged my own sensuality and drama, and knowing the girls were still watching, I dropped to my knees and covered my head with my hands, fingers between the ears and temples, like a man winning the US Open.
在承认了自己的性感和戏剧性，并且知道女孩们仍在观看之后，我跪下来，用双手捂住头，手指放在耳朵和太阳穴之间，就像一个赢得美国公开赛的男人一样。
This movieishly emotional reaction acted out for girls I'd never see again is one more stomach-turning fact of that afternoon.
对于我再也见不到的女孩来说，这种电影般的情感反应是那天下午又一个令人反胃的事实。
Aw, the first girl said, coming over to me.
噢，第一个女孩朝我走过来说道。
I know it wasn't your fault.
我知道这不是你的错。
My father arrived.
我父亲来了。
Someone must have called him.
肯定有人给他打电话了。
This was before cellphones.
这是在手机出现之前。
It was the sight of my dad that day, the sadness on his face, that made it finally real somehow.
那天看到我父亲，他脸上的悲伤，不知怎的，让这一切最终变得真实。
And when he hugged me I totally lost it, collapsed all at once into tears, as I never had before and haven't since.
当他拥抱我时，我完全失去了控制，一下子就哭了，这是我以前从未有过的，从那以后也没有。
I got a call the next day, saying that Celine died in the hospital before her parents-- who had been on vacation-- got the chance to see her.
第二天我接到电话，说席琳在她度假的父母有机会见到她之前就在医院去世了。
The police, Celine's biking companion that day, and several cars of eye witnesses all said there was nothing I could have done.
警察、席琳那天的自行车同伴以及几辆车的目击者都说我无能为力。
No charges were filed.
没有提出任何指控。
A police detective, Paul Vitucci, later told the newspaper, quote, "for an unknown reason, her bicycle swerved into the traffic portion of the street.
警探保罗·维图奇后来告诉该报，“出于某种未知的原因，她的自行车突然冲进了街道的交通路段。
And she was immediately struck by the car.
她立刻就被车撞了。
There was no way he"-- meaning me "--could have avoided the accident, no way whatsoever."
他”——指的是我“——不可能避免这场事故，无论如何都不可能。”
I thought, how could that be possible?
我想，这怎么可能？
I saw it all happen.
我看到这一切发生了。
It was hard to believe there was only one way this could have gone.
很难相信只有一种方式可以解决这种情况。
It was hard to believe she had to die.
很难相信她必须死。
Maybe I'd been distracted.
也许我分心了。
Maybe I could have swerved away somehow.
也许我本可以以某种方式避开。
Maybe I hadn't felt the right amount of alarm just before the girl jumped into my lane.
也许在那个女孩跳进我的车道之前我没有感到适当的警报。
After the story appeared in the local paper, everyone knew.
这个故事登上当地报纸后，大家都知道了。
I remember coming down to breakfast and my parents showing me the article.
我记得下楼吃早餐时，父母给我看了这篇文章。
And I remember thinking, that was it.
我记得我当时想，就是这样。
There was no hiding from this.
这一点是无可隐瞒的。
My parents, after offering quiet voiced assurances, encouraged me not to beat myself up about it.
我的父母在轻声做出保证后，鼓励我不要为此自责。
You should go to a movie, they said.
他们说，你应该去看电影。
And so a friend and I drove to Stand and Deliver.
于是我和一个朋友开车去“Stand and Deliver”。
At the multiplex, the weirdness of my having gone out, of not being under house arrest, slowly sunk in.
在电影院里，我走出去、没有被软禁的奇怪感慢慢地融入了进来。
We traveled to another town.
我们去了另一个城镇。
I didn't want to be seen trying to enjoy myself.
我不想让别人看到我在努力享受。
I didn't want people to know that I was capable of having any emotion, but constant remorse.
我不想让人们知道我有任何情绪，但会不断悔恨。
We left before the end of the movie.
电影结束前我们就离开了。
I spent the next few days behind a closed door, talking to no one in particular, a parrot in underpants and socks who kept asking, will I get over this?
接下来的几天里，我关起门来，没有和任何人说话，就像一只穿着内裤和袜子的鹦鹉一直在问，我能克服这一切吗？
That Monday or Tuesday, I heard there was a school-wide memorial assembly.
那个星期一或星期二，我听说有一个全校范围的追悼会。
Celine's teachers, friends, and coaches giving tribute to her, the quote, "girl who's been so cruelly taken from us." I hadn't had the guts to be there that day, or back to school at all.
席琳的老师、朋友和教练向她致敬，引用了一句话：“这个女孩被残酷地从我们身边夺走了。”那天我根本没有勇气去那里，或者根本没有勇气回到学校。
My friend Eric told me that near the end of that assembly, a teacher I barely knew and didn't very much like stood from the crowd and walked straight to the microphone.
我的朋友埃里克告诉我，在那次集会即将结束时，一位我几乎不认识而且不太喜欢的老师从人群中站起来，径直走向麦克风。
This was a surprise.
这是一个惊喜。
He hadn't been designated to speak.
他没有被指定发言。
Along with the sadness, he said-- taking the mic from the principal-- I know there's a lot of anger here.
他从校长手中接过麦克风说道，除了悲伤之外，我知道这里还有很多愤怒。
This teacher wasn't a hippie.
这位老师不是嬉皮士。
He was given to wearing pullover Baja shirts to social studies class.
他习惯在社会研究课上穿套头巴哈衬衫。
I had laughed behind his back many times.
我曾多次在背后嘲笑他。
Great emotion is justified in tragic events like these, he said.
他说，在此类悲惨事件中，强烈的情感是合理的。
But we should take a second to remember that Darin is a student in the North Shore community too.
但我们应该花点时间记住，达林也是北岸社区的学生。
The reports tell us he wasn't at fault.
报告告诉我们他没有过错。
And I'm sure we can agree, he's a good person.
我相信我们都会同意，他是一个好人。
It was years before I wrote to thank him, this guy I didn't really know, who was decent enough to perform this simple act of kindness for a student he barely knew.
几年后，我才写信感谢他，这个我并不真正认识的人，他足够体面，为一个他几乎不认识的学生做出了这种简单的善举。
I returned to class about a week after the accident and a few days before the funeral.
事故发生大约一周后，葬礼前几天，我回到了课堂。
I hadn't heard what kids were saying about me.
我没有听到孩子们对我的评价。
But I was met at the school's front door with a dirty look from one Steffi [?
但在学校前门，一位 Steffi 用一种肮脏的眼神迎接了我[？
Gayheart ?], a friend of Celine's.
Gayheart？]，席琳的朋友。
What high schooler wouldn't glare hard at the driver who had killed her friend?
哪个高中生不会狠狠地瞪着杀害她朋友的司机呢？
I expected my day would be filled with these black looks.
我预计我的一天会充满这些黑色的造型。
But in the classrooms and corridors there quickly grew around me a zone of silence and inviability, except when my friends would suddenly mount brief, haphazard campaigns of everything's normal, quoting lines from Fletch and slapping my book bag, and calling me a dick.
但在教室和走廊里，我周围很快就形成了一片沉默和死气沉沉的区域，除非我的朋友们突然发起短暂的、随意的一切正常活动，引用弗莱奇的台词，拍打我的书包，骂我是混蛋。
My friend Frank assured me that they also-- without my knowing it-- had started in on the high school equivalent of caucusing, push polling, of lobbying for votes.
我的朋友弗兰克向我保证，他们也——在我不知情的情况下——开始进行相当于高中的预选、推式民意调查、游说选票的活动。
Come on, they'd say to anyone still on the fence, the undecideds.
来吧，他们会对那些仍持观望态度、尚未做出决定的人说。
Wasn't it kind of suspicious how she just turned into his car?
她怎么就撞上了他的车，这不是很可疑吗？
Did you ever think of that?
你有没有想过？
True friends, they'd say quietly, we have to be there for Darin too.
真正的朋友，他们会轻声说，我们也必须支持达林。
We have to support him too.
我们也必须支持他。
Steffi [?
斯特菲[?
Gayheart, ?] at the end of that first day, approached my locker.
盖哈特，？]在第一天结束时，走近我的储物柜。
I'm sorry I, she barely managed to say, I support you.
对不起，我，她几乎没能说出，我支持你。
She told it straight to my Keds.
她直接告诉了我的 Keds。
At the time, I was sure it was insincere.
当时我就确信这是不真诚的。
She'd been peer pressured into saying that.
她是在同侪的压力下才这么说的。
She definitely wasn't sorry.
她绝对没有后悔。
But now, I don't know.
但现在，我不知道了。
Maybe she meant it.
也许她是认真的。
It couldn't have been easy for her to talk with me, the kid who killed her friend.
对她来说，和我这个杀了她朋友的孩子说话并不容易。
A few days after I'd gone back to school, Celine had her funeral.
我回到学校几天后，席琳举行了她的葬礼。
It was just my dad accompanying me.
只有我爸爸陪着我。
At the church entrance, I remember taking a breath, grabbing the door handle, then plunging into the crowd.
在教堂入口处，我记得吸了一口气，抓住门把手，然后冲进了人群。
This was and remains the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
这曾经是、现在仍然是我做过的最困难的事情。
I couldn't help but be scared.
我不禁感到害怕。
But I was also kind of relieved to feel tears on my face, tears some part of me knew would look good.
但当我感到脸上有泪水时，我也感到松了口气，我知道眼泪的一部分看起来会很好。
And they were real, these tears.
这些眼泪是真实的。
I was afraid someone might stand up and yell at me, here in front of everyone.
我担心有人会站起来当着所有人的面对我大喊大叫。
One old man looked at me like he wanted to kill me with his bare hands.
一位老人看着我，就像他想徒手杀掉我一样。
And then I had to face Celine's parents.
然后我不得不面对席琳的父母。
Some morticianal functionary shunted me into a back chamber where they were.
一些殡葬人员把我带到他们所在的后室。
Her father, a big man, moved toward me with a surprisingly light step.
她的父亲是个大个子，迈着令人惊讶的轻快的步伐向我走来。
He didn't know what to do with his face.
他不知道该拿自己的脸做什么。
It was soft and jowly.
它柔软而有下巴。
And he wore glasses that gave him a Tom Bosley, Happy Days vibe.
他戴着的眼镜给人一种汤姆·博斯利《快乐时光》的感觉。
In the long moment before he found words, and as he took my hand, he settled on an expression of, I will be friendlier than you have any right to expect me to be.
在他找到言语之前的很长一段时间里，当他握住我的手时，他决定表达：我会比你期望的更友好。
"You're Darin," he said.
“你是达林，”他说。
My voice and face behaved-- or prevailed upon to behave-- as if this were a regular meeting between cordial strangers.
我的声音和表情表现得——或者被说服表现得——就好像这是一次亲切的陌生人之间的定期会面。
Celine's mother joined us.
席琳的母亲加入了我们。
She attempted a smile, but without much success.
她尝试微笑，但没有成功。
Her body clenched as she steeled herself for an odious act.
她的身体绷紧，准备做出可恶的举动。
Then she hugged me quickly.
然后她飞快地拥抱了我。
And just as quickly, she pulled away.
她很快就离开了。
"I know it was not your fault.
“我知道这不是你的错。
They all tell me it was not your fault." She was speaking as kindly as she could.
他们都告诉我这不是你的错。”她尽可能和善地说话。
And so her voice was dim.
所以她的声音很微弱。
"But I want you to remember something.
“但我希望你记住一件事。
Whatever you do in your life, you have to do it twice as well." She looked at me with exhausted eyes, "because you are living it for two people now.
无论你一生中做什么，你都必须做两次。”她用疲惫的眼神看着我，“因为你现在是为两个人而活。
Can you promise me?"
你能答应我吗？”
It didn't feel right.
感觉不对劲。
I was going to commit to something I had no control over, or even really understood.
我将致力于一些我无法控制、甚至无法真正理解的事情。
I nodded.
我点点头。
I'd accepted her request without saying a word, as you would a benediction.
我二话不说就接受了她的请求，就像祝福一样。
Then I was standing before Celine's open coffin.
然后我站在席琳打开的棺材前。
I don't remember how I got there, who had taken me.
我不记得我是怎么到那里的，也不记得是谁带我去的。
I only remember the whispers at my back, the weight of 400 eyes on me.
我只记得背后的窃窃私语，400双眼睛注视着我的重量。
Celine's eyes were now closed.
席琳的眼睛现在已经闭上了。
And she looked almost like herself again.
她看起来几乎又像她自己了。
Next I was hurrying from the coffin, past all the people who stared.
接下来我匆匆从棺材里跑出来，穿过所有注视着我的人。
As I approached the exit, my dad kept buzzing in my ear, keep your head up, just keep your head up.
当我快到出口的时候，爸爸一直在我耳边嗡嗡叫，抬起头，抬起头。
I hadn't realized I'd been slouching my head.
我没有意识到我已经低下了头。
I felt buoyed by a great respect for my father at that moment.
那一刻，我对父亲产生了极大的敬意，这让我感到振奋。
And I wondered if I would ever know the things grownups know.
我想知道我是否会知道成年人知道的事情。
And I lifted my head.
我抬起头。
About two weeks later, I graduated and left town.
大约两周后，我毕业并离开了小镇。
I didn't stay for summer break.
我没有留下来过暑假。
College offered a sort of witness protection program.
学院提供了一种证人保护计划。
Everyone in my high school knew.
我高中的每个人都知道。
No one at Tufts did.
塔夫茨大学没有人这样做。
And while I was there, they never would.
当我在那里时，他们永远不会。
But I did make one important stop in town before I'd left, to Celine Zilke's parents' house.
但在离开之前，我确实在城里做了一个重要的停留，那就是席琳·齐尔克父母的家。
They had invited me to come by whenever at the funeral.
他们邀请我每次参加葬礼时都过来。
So I thought they expected this visit.
所以我认为他们期待这次访问。
I went alone.
我一个人去的。
I even imagined a cozy welcome.
我什至想象过一种温馨的欢迎。
They would smile, maybe touch my cheek, we'd cry together.
他们会微笑，也许会触摸我的脸颊，我们会一起哭泣。
I knocked.
我敲了敲门。
My stomach shuttered up into my throat.
我的胃关上了喉咙。
No one seemed to be home.
家里似乎没人。
Leaning an ear to the door, I made out the clumps and risings of voices.
我把耳朵贴在门上，听出了断断续续的说话声。
After an extra swallow for courage, I knocked again.
我又鼓起勇气，又敲了敲门。
One man's voice became louder and more distinct, getting closer.
一个男人的声音越来越大，越来越清晰，越来越近。
The door opened.
门开了。
It was Celine Zilke's father.
那是席琳·齐尔克的父亲。
After seeing me, Mr. Zilke turned back toward the room.
齐尔克先生看到我后，转身朝房间走去。
"Look who it is." He still wasn't facing me.
“看看是谁。”他仍然没有面对我。
"It's Darin." He said this as if he was proud of me for having showed, as if he had that very instant been defending me to someone.
“是达林。”他说这句话的时候就好像他为我的表现而感到自豪，就好像他在那一刻就在某人面前为我辩护。
"He's here to say how sorry he is," he told the room, "to apologize." There were a few other people there in the Zilke's den, fellow grievers whom I didn't know, who didn't say a word.
“他来这里是为了表达他的歉意，”他对房间里的人说，“道歉。”齐尔克的巢穴里还有其他几个人，他们都是我不认识的悲伤者，他们什么也没说。
And I wondered, was I there to apologize?
我想知道，我是来道歉的吗？
The Zilkes said they knew it wasn't my fault, hadn't they?
齐尔克斯一家说他们知道这不是我的错，不是吗？
Mr. Zilke gestured me to the couch and offered me an iced tea.
齐尔克先生示意我坐到沙发上，并给我倒了一杯冰茶。
"Good," I said, "good," taking a long sip before I put the glass down.
“好，”我说，“好。”我喝了一大口，然后放下了杯子。
Then that was finished.
然后就完成了。
The room got quiet.
房间里安静了下来。
I couldn't believe how quiet, how quickly.
我简直不敢相信如此安静、如此迅速。
So I shouldn't have come.
所以我不应该来。
The visit was a check cashed too soon.
这次访问是一张兑现得太快的支票。
They didn't want me there.
他们不希望我在那里。
I didn't want to be there.
我不想去那里。
Before long, Mr. Zilke shepherded me to the door with another, "no matter what, we would never blame you, Darin."
不久，齐尔克先生带着另一个人把我送到门口，“无论如何，我们永远不会责怪你，达林。”
I left there covered in a feeling of globby naivete.
我带着一种天真的感觉离开了那里。
There was little chance, I thought, that I'd ever see them again.
我想，我再也见不到他们了。
A month into my freshman year of college I got an official letter saying that Celine's parents were suing me for $1.5 million.
大学一年级开始一个月后，我收到一封正式信函，说席琳的父母正在起诉我，要求赔偿 150 万美元。
It took five years of depositions and meetings before the case finally went away.
经过五年的证词和会议，此案最终不了了之。
Right before the trial, the Zilke family lawyer advised them to take a small amount of money-- go away money, my insurance company's lawyer called it-- that payment corporations give to a family when they know their client isn't at fault.
就在审判前，齐尔克家庭的律师建议他们拿走一小笔钱——我的保险公司的律师称之为“消失的钱”——支付公司在知道他们的客户没有过错时会给一个家庭。
There was-- they were told-- no case.
他们被告知，没有任何病例。
At college, I dove into physics and psychology textbooks, where I discovered a weird solace in computation.
在大学里，我深入研究了物理和心理学教科书，在那里我发现了计算中一种奇怪的安慰。
If you're doing 45, and the girl with the bicycle cuts 10 feet in front of you, impact will take place in something like 700 milliseconds.
如果你做的是 45 度，骑自行车的女孩在你前面 10 英尺处切入，撞击将在大约 700 毫秒内发生。
Human perception time-- not only to see a hazard, but to designate one as such-- is generally accepted to consume some 220 milliseconds.
人们普遍认为，人类感知时间（不仅是看到危险，而且是指定危险）大约需要 220 毫秒。
Next, the purely neural job of stamping your foot on the brake adds roughly another 500 milliseconds.
接下来，踩刹车的纯粹神经工作又增加了大约 500 毫秒。
I was exculpated by 20 milliseconds.
我被宽恕了20毫秒。
I'd be studying in the library, and tell myself I was going to take a bathroom break or something.
我会在图书馆学习，然后告诉自己我要去洗手间什么的。
And then I'd find myself in the stacks, making sure that my reassuring numbers were still there, still reassuring.
然后我会发现自己在堆栈中，确保我令人放心的数字仍然存在，仍然令人放心。
In the first semester of my freshman year, I took a class called On Death and Dying, which was a lot of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and When Bad Things Happen to Good People.
大一第一学期，我选了一门叫做《论死亡与临终》的课程，里面有很多伊丽莎白·库伯勒-罗斯和《当坏事发生在好人身上时》。
I thought it would make me feel better.
我以为这会让我感觉好一些。
After I wrote a paper about my accident, the grad students who taught this touchy feely seminar suggested that I do research into Celine's side of things.
在我写了一篇关于我的事故的论文后，教授这个敏感的研讨会的研究生建议我研究一下席琳的事情。
I thought this was a terrible idea.
我认为这是一个糟糕的主意。
But I was an obedient student.
但我是一个听话的学生。
So I made blundering, unwanted intrusions into the lives of Celine's friends, the other bicyclist that day, a girl she played field hockey with, a lab partner, anyone whose number I could get.
因此，我无意中闯入了席琳朋友的生活，包括那天的另一位骑自行车的人、和她一起打曲棍球的女孩、实验室的合作伙伴以及任何我能找到电话号码的人。
I learned that Celine had remade herself, becoming a born again in the months before her death, even though her family hadn't been particularly religious.
我了解到席琳已经重塑了自己，在她去世前的几个月里获得了重生，尽管她的家人并不是特别虔诚。
And then I discovered something that changed how I felt about her death for years when I talked to her friend from the field hockey team.
然后，当我与她曲棍球队的朋友交谈时，我发现了一些事情，这些事情改变了我多年来对她的死亡的看法。
"I'm sorry to call like this," I'd said, floundering.
“很抱歉这么打电话。”我支支吾吾地说。
"I just am taking this class.
“我刚刚上这门课。
I need to find out more about, you know, her, because of the class."
因为课程的原因，我需要更多地了解她。”
"Wasn't that diary thing weird?" the girl said.
“那日记不是很奇怪吗？”女孩说道。
I felt my heart thump.
我感到我的心砰砰直跳。
"What diary thing?"
“什么日记？”
"Oh," the girl said.
“哦，”女孩说。
She obviously felt that she'd overstepped.
她明显感觉自己有些过分了。
"I assumed you knew."
“我以为你知道。”
It turned out that Celine had written in her journal right before the crash, "today I realized I am going to die." Celine's mother had told this field hockey friend about it.
原来，席琳在坠机前夕在日记中写道：“今天我意识到我要死了。”席琳的母亲告诉了这位曲棍球朋友这件事。
"Thank you," I'd said as I hung up.
“谢谢，”挂断电话时我说道。
I may have even said it again after I put down the phone.
我什至可能在放下电话后又说了一遍。
"Thank you."
“谢谢。”
Celine, I decided, had taken her own life.
我断定，席琳结束了自己的生命。
That's why she turned right in front of my car.
这就是为什么她在我车前右转的原因。
That was how I got through my twenties and even my early thirties, believing with full certainty that she'd committed suicide, that I was no more responsible for the accident than the bullet that comes out of the gun's chamber.
我就这样度过了二十多岁甚至三十岁出头的时光，我坚信她是自杀的，我对这次事故的责任并不比枪膛里射出的子弹负责。
I wouldn't let myself think what now seems obvious, that when she wrote, "today I realized that I'm going to die," she may have just meant, today I realized I will die someday.
我不会让自己思考现在看来显而易见的事情，即当她写道“今天我意识到我会死”时，她可能只是想说，今天我意识到我有一天会死。
Before the accident, I wasn't so introspective.
事故发生之前，我并没有那么内省。
I'd had nothing to be introspective about.
我没有什么值得反省的。
And I never had anything that I hid from the world.
我从来没有向世人隐瞒过任何事情。
But now I did.
但现在我做到了。
For years, I told pretty much no one, which seemed the only way to treat a thing I was so uncomfortable with.
多年来，我几乎没有告诉任何人，这似乎是治疗我感到不舒服的事情的唯一方法。
I didn't tell any friends.
我没有告诉任何朋友。
I thought it would taint how they saw me.
我认为这会玷污他们对我的看法。
I thought they wouldn't want to know.
我以为他们不想知道。
Who would want to know?
谁想知道？
Even I didn't want to.
连我自己也不愿意。
When I went on dates, I'd be talking-- just getting to know you stuff-- and I'd wonder, when do I tell her?
当我去约会时，我会说话——只是为了了解你的东西——我想知道，我什么时候告诉她？
The few times I did tell women, it was only after I had known them a while.
我有几次告诉女性，那是在我认识她们一段时间之后。
Even then, I hated the reaction it got.
即便如此，我还是讨厌它所引起的反应。
It made them feel tender.
这让他们感觉很温柔。
They hugged me.
他们拥抱了我。
I felt gross for having told them, like I was using the accident to score points.
我对告诉他们这件事感到很恶心，就像我在利用这次事故来得分一样。
Though one time-- in my earlyish twenties-- I ended up on a first date at the movie I Know What You Did Last Summer.
尽管有一次——在我二十出头的时候——我第一次约会是在电影《我知道你去年夏天做了什么》中。
There is a pivotal scene, where a teenager hits somebody with his car.
有一个关键场景，一个青少年用他的车撞了一个人。
I just couldn't watch anymore.
我实在是看不下去了。
I told my date, "we have to get out of here." This was like 20 minutes in.
我告诉我的约会对象，“我们必须离开这里。”这大约是20分钟。
She didn't want to leave.
她不想离开。
And when we got outside, I told her everything.
当我们出去时，我告诉了她一切。
Her response surprised me.
她的反应令我惊讶。
She got angry at me.
她对我生气了。
"It's really selfish of you to feel bad for yourself," she said.
“你为自己感到难过，这真的很自私，”她说。
"Don't you ever think of her?"
“你就没有想过她吗？”
I didn't know what to say.
我不知道该说什么。
Of course I thought of Celine.
我当然想到了席琳。
"Yes," she said.
“是的，”她说。
"But do you think about her enough?
“但是你够想她吗？
How can you go on living with that?"
你怎么能继续忍受这样的生活呢？”
I excused myself.
我原谅了自己。
And I left for the subway without walking her home.
我没有送她回家，就去了地铁。
A little later, she called me to apologize.
过了一会儿，她打电话给我道歉。
She said she'd often thought of committing suicide in high school by swerving into oncoming cars.
她说，高中时她经常想通过转向迎面驶来的汽车来自杀。
All right, I'd said.
好吧，我说过。
Celine's father making up goofy songs just for her when she was a baby.
当席琳还是个婴儿的时候，她的父亲就专门为她创作了一些愚蠢的歌曲。
Celine crying after she tripped stealing third base in little league.
席琳在少年棒球联盟偷三垒时绊倒后哭了。
Celine on crunching roller skates, hurrying away from the neighbor's dog.
席琳踩着嘎吱嘎吱的溜冰鞋，匆匆逃离邻居的狗。
I try to imagine her before the accident.
我试着想象她在事故发生前的样子。
And sometimes I try to imagine the life she would have gone on to live had it never happened.
有时我会试着想象，如果这一切从未发生过，她会继续过什么样的生活。
Maybe this was my way of pretending she hadn't died that day.
也许这是我假装她那天没有死的方式。
As I got into my twenties and thirties, Celine stayed with me.
当我进入二三十岁的时候，席琳一直陪伴着我。
I thought of her, of course, any time I drove by a bicyclist, which happens a lot more often than you'd think.
当然，每当我开车经过骑自行车的人时，我就会想起她，这种情况比你想象的要频繁得多。
I know that's not something most people even register.
我知道大多数人都没有注意到这一点。
As I got older, she'd show up with me on job interviews.
随着我年龄的增长，她会和我一起参加工作面试。
Would the prospective employer find out what I'd done?
未来的雇主会发现我做了什么吗？
Was this an ambitious enough job for two lives?
这是一份足够雄心勃勃的工作，足以满足两个人的生活吗？
Because I'd absorbed Celine's mother's request, I had to live well enough and successfully enough for two.
因为我接受了席琳母亲的要求，所以我必须为两个人生活得足够好、足够成功。
I thought of her at my wedding, and when my wife got pregnant.
我在我的婚礼上和我妻子怀孕时想起了她。
Now I'm twice as old as I was when the accident happened.
现在我的年龄是事故发生时的两倍。
And I don't know when I changed.
而且我也不知道什么时候我就变了。
There was no single moment.
没有任何一个时刻。
But somehow I've grown into a different way of seeing it all.
但不知何故，我已经以不同的方式看待这一切。
Because I was alive in a certain place, Celine Zilke isn't anymore.
因为我还活着在某个地方，所以 Celine Zilke 已经不在了。
That's all this was, a highway mathematical error.
这就是所有这一切，一个高速公路数学错误。
In the US there are over 40,000 traffic deaths a year.
在美国，每年有超过 40,000 人因交通事故死亡。
But it was me, and it was Celine.
但这是我，也是席琳。
She was someone that I happened to, someone who happened to me.
她是我偶然遇到的一个人，一个偶然发生在我身上的人。
The police told me if I'd swerved the car differently, I might have flipped it.
警察告诉我，如果我以不同的方式转向汽车，我可能会翻车。
If that had happened-- if I had died and Celine had lived-- I think I'd like her not to remember, not to have at 18, at 23, even at 35 years old to contend with a stranger there at all her intimate moments.
如果那件事发生了——如果我死了而席琳还活着——我想我希望她不要记得，不要在18岁、23岁、甚至35岁的时候在她所有的亲密时刻与一个陌生人发生冲突。
And I'd like her to be spared the feeling she'd traveled for two decades with a ghost.
我希望她不要有跟鬼魂一起旅行了二十年的感觉。
I'd be OK if she forgot me, though I can't forget her.
如果她忘记我我也没关系，尽管我无法忘记她。
Darin Strauss.
达林·施特劳斯.
He is the author most recently of the novel More Than It Hurts You.
他最近是小说《More Than It Hurts You》的作者。
A reporter for Washingtonian Magazine a few years ago interviewed lots of drivers who had been in accidents and killed people.
几年前，《华盛顿杂志》的一名记者采访了许多发生事故并造成人员伤亡的司机。
It wasn't their fault.
这不是他们的错。
And this article quotes a psychologist named Ed Hickling, who wrote a book about overcoming the trauma of a car accident.
这篇文章引用了一位名叫埃德·希克林（Ed Hickling）的心理学家的话，他写了一本关于克服车祸创伤的书。
And he says that drivers who have done nothing wrong in an accident are actually at greater risk of developing post-traumatic stress disorder about the accident than people who were really at fault for an accident.
他说，在事故中没有做错任何事的司机实际上比那些对事故负有责任的人患上事故后创伤后应激障碍的风险更大。
Quote, "someone who falls asleep at the wheel knows what they can do to prevent future accidents.
引用：“在方向盘上睡着的人知道他们可以采取什么措施来防止未来发生事故。
Innocent drivers," Hickling says, "realize they're at the mercy of the universe."
无辜的司机，”希克林说，“意识到他们受到宇宙的摆布。”
Coming up, one positive side to being incarcerated, it is a lot easier to sleep at night.
接下来，被监禁的一个积极的方面是，晚上更容易入睡。
That's in a minute from Chicago Public Radio and Public Radio International when our program continues.
一分钟后，芝加哥公共广播电台和国际公共广播电台将继续我们的节目。
It's This American Life.
这就是美国生活。
I'm Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯。
Each week on our program, of course, we choose a theme, and bring you a variety of different kinds of stories on that theme.
当然，我们的节目每周都会选择一个主题，并为您带来有关该主题的各种不同类型的故事。
Today's show, Life After Death.
今天的节目，死后的生活。
We have stories of people who are unable to stop thinking about things that they have done that may have resulted in somebody else's death.
我们有这样的故事，人们无法停止思考他们所做的事情可能导致其他人的死亡。
We have arrived at Act Two of our show, Soldier of Misfortune.
我们已经到了节目《不幸的士兵》的第二幕。
You may have heard stories about veterans coming home from Iraq and Afghanistan, and then committing acts of violence here at home, sometimes against wives and other family members.
您可能听说过退伍军人从伊拉克和阿富汗回来，然后在家中实施暴力行为，有时针对妻子和其他家庭成员的故事。
There was a big New York Times series about this, which found 121 cases of vets who killed someone once they came home from those wars.
《纽约时报》有一篇关于此事的大型系列文章，其中发现了 121 起退伍军人在战争结束后杀人的案例。
But we don't often hear about this from the vet's perspective.
但我们很少从兽医的角度听到这个问题。
Chris Neary talked with an Iraq war vet who has attacked people close to him.
克里斯·尼里 (Chris Neary) 与一名伊拉克战争老兵进行了交谈，这名老兵曾袭击过他身边的人。
This is somebody who did three tours of duty in the Mideast in the build up and early part of the Iraq War.
此人在伊拉克战争的准备阶段和早期阶段曾三次前往中东执行任务。
Here's Chris Neary.
请听克里斯·尼尔里的报道。
I met John in the fall of 2007.
我在 2007 年秋天认识了约翰。
I had been hanging around the VA Hospital in Chicago, working on a story about veterans with PTSD, post-traumatic stress disorder.
我一直在芝加哥的退伍军人管理局医院闲逛，撰写一个关于患有创伤后应激障碍（PTSD）的退伍军人的故事。
John stood out.
约翰脱颖而出。
He was really well-liked at the hospital, comfortable with the other vets and the staff.
他在医院很受欢迎，与其他兽医和工作人员相处融洽。
He was interested in me too.
他也对我感兴趣。
He wanted to get a job in radio some day.
他希望有一天能在电台找到一份工作。
And so, after talking to him at the hospital, we agreed to meet at his apartment for another interview.
因此，在医院与他交谈后，我们同意在他的公寓见面进行另一次采访。
I wasn't really sure what I was after.
我不太确定我在追求什么。
He seemed like the kind of guy who could help me understand something about how war affects you.
他似乎是那种可以帮助我了解战争如何影响你的人。
I met him at his apartment the day after Thanksgiving.
感恩节后的第二天我在他的公寓遇见了他。
There was an unopened package of dinner rolls and a brand new baking pan and baster that clearly hadn't been used.
有一个未开封的餐卷和一个全新的烤盘和涂油器，显然没有使用过。
His apartment smelled stale.
他的公寓闻起来有股霉味。
There were VA papers everywhere.
到处都是退伍军人管理局的文件。
He said he'd been waiting all day for me.
他说他已经等我一整天了。
But when I got there, he suddenly got embarrassed, and started hurriedly cleaning up his apartment.
但当我到达那里时，他突然感到尴尬，并开始匆忙地清理他的公寓。
I was surprised how different he seemed from the guy I'd met at the VA.
我很惊讶他与我在退伍军人管理局遇到的那个人有多么不同。
John said I shouldn't be.
约翰说我不应该这样。
We have two faces.
我们有两副面孔。
There's two faces to everybody that has been in a war.
每个经历过战争的人都有两张面孔。
You have a face that wants to get help, an optimistic face.
你有一张想要寻求帮助的脸，一张乐观的脸。
And then you have like the real face.
然后你就拥有了真实的面孔。
And at the hospital they're like, everybody's doing well.
在医院里，他们就像，每个人都做得很好。
And everybody's cool.
每个人都很酷。
And I'm like you really don't know that Roger can't get on the elevator with anybody.
我就像你真的不知道罗杰不能和任何人一起上电梯。
I used to not even go into stores to get food.
我以前甚至不去商店买食物。
I would pay drug addicts to go in there and get me food, because I didn't even want to go in the store.
我会付钱给吸毒者，让他们去那里给我买食物，因为我什至不想去商店。
That's the stuff that really happens, what people are really acting like.
这就是真实发生的事情，人们的真实行为。
I haven't left the house since like Tuesday.
从周二开始我就没有离开过家。
John and I talked about a lot of things, his family, high school, the service.
约翰和我谈论了很多事情，他的家庭、高中、服务。
Iraq, it turned out, was just one of the many traumas John had suffered during his life.
事实证明，伊拉克只是约翰一生中遭受的众多创伤之一。
He had been abused and molested as a kid, kicked around foster families.
他小时候曾遭到虐待和猥亵，在寄养家庭中被踢。
But when he was five he was basically rescued.
但当他五岁的时候，他基本上被救了。
He got adopted into a big family that was known around the neighborhood as the Huxtables.
他被一个大家庭收养，这个大家庭在附近被称为赫克斯特布尔家族。
And he settled into an uneventful and happy childhood and adolescence.
他度过了一个平静而快乐的童年和青少年时期。
He had a girlfriend and a best friend, got good grades.
他有一个女朋友和一个最好的朋友，成绩很好。
He went to church, and played drums in his high school's marching band.
他去教堂，并在高中的军乐队中打鼓。
If you knew him then, he says, you would probably have called him a band geek.
他说，如果你当时认识他，你可能会称他为乐队极客。
We would all meet up in the band room.
我们都会在乐队室见面。
And basically we would just talk about the dullness that we all had.
基本上我们只会谈论我们所有人都有的迟钝。
Most of the time, just we went over the sheet music.
大多数时候，我们只是看一下乐谱。
I'm trying to think of something, like maybe somebody stuck something in a tuba, or something.
我正在努力思考一些事情，比如也许有人在大号里塞了一些东西，或者其他什么东西。
But there is really not much.
但确实不多。
John's adopted father, sister, and brother joined the military.
约翰的养父、姐妹和兄弟参军了。
And after high school, so did John.
高中毕业后，约翰也是如此。
This was 1999.
那是1999年。
He deployed to Kuwait in early 2002.
2002 年初，他被派往科威特。
He saw heavy fighting in Iraq.
他亲眼目睹了伊拉克的激烈战斗。
And then when he got out of the military in 2005, he moved to Louisiana.
2005 年退伍后，他搬到了路易斯安那州。
He closed on a house in Gulfport, Mississippi, a month before Hurricane Katrina hit.
在卡特里娜飓风袭击前一个月，他关闭了密西西比州格尔夫波特的一所房屋。
He lost everything, his car, his home.
他失去了一切，他的车，他的家。
That was sort of a final blow to his stability.
这对他的稳定性来说是最后的打击。
He made his way back to Chicago with the last of his money.
他带着最后的钱回到了芝加哥。
And now here he was, alone on Thanksgiving weekend, afraid to leave his messy apartment, with me.
现在感恩节周末他独自一人在这里，不敢和我一起离开他凌乱的公寓。
It's a bleak picture.
这是一幅惨淡的画面。
But compared to some of the other vets at the VA with PTSD, he was doing OK.
但与退伍军人管理局其他一些患有创伤后应激障碍 (PTSD) 的退伍军人相比，他的表现还不错。
He'd been getting treatment at the VA for five months.
他已经在退伍军人管理局接受了五个月的治疗。
And the people who he'd met there were optimistic about his future.
他在那里遇到的人都对他的未来持乐观态度。
He had a girlfriend.
他有一个女朋友。
And they had a young daughter.
他们有一个小女儿。
And he'd even been venturing outside occasionally, like when he took a trip with his girlfriend to downtown Chicago.
他甚至偶尔会出去冒险，比如和女朋友一起去芝加哥市中心旅行。
It was like I'd went to Disney World.
这就像我去了迪士尼世界。
And all I did was walk down State Street and down Michigan.
我所做的就是沿着州街一直走到密歇根。
Got a couple ice cream cones, piece of pizza.
买了几个蛋卷冰淇淋，一块披萨。
And it was like Disney World, because I hadn't been outside in so long.
这就像迪士尼世界，因为我已经很久没有出去了。
And my girl thinks that I think she's ugly or something, because I don't want to go outside.
我的女儿认为我觉得她很丑或者什么的，因为我不想出去。
She thinks-- My girl is beautiful.
她认为——我的女儿很漂亮。
I mean, for real.
我的意思是，真的。
She could be like a model or something.
她可能像模特什么的。
And if you don't take a girl out-- a pretty girl like that-- she's like, what's going on?
如果你不带一个女孩出去——一个像那样的漂亮女孩——她会说，发生了什么事？
After our conversation, we made plans to talk again.
谈话结束后，我们计划再次谈话。
There was more I wanted to find out.
我还想了解更多。
And John seemed like he enjoyed the company.
约翰看起来很享受这个陪伴。
We went back and forth, and finally set up a plan to meet at the VA.
我们来来回回，最后定下了在退伍军人管理局见面的计划。
But when I got there, he stood me up.
但当我到达那里时，他让我站了起来。
A couple weeks later, I got an email from his therapist at the VA, a guy named Dr. John Mundt.
几周后，我收到了他在退伍军人管理局的治疗师约翰·蒙特博士发来的电子邮件。
There had been a very ugly development, the email read.
电子邮件中写道，事情的发展非常丑陋。
But Dr. Mundt couldn't tell me any more, because, he said, it was a criminal matter.
但蒙特医生不能再告诉我了，因为他说这是一起刑事案件。
That was in January of 2008.
那是在 2008 年 1 月。
It took six months for Dr. Mundt to get the OK from John's lawyer to talk with me about what had happened.
蒙特博士花了六个月的时间才从约翰的律师那里得到同意与我谈论所发生的事情。
But finally he told me what little he knew.
但最后他告诉了我他所知甚少。
He said that John had been over at his girlfriend's grandmother's house.
他说约翰去过他女朋友的祖母家。
Things became heated between John and his girlfriend, Dominique.
约翰和他的女朋友多米尼克之间的关系变得很激烈。
They had an argument.
他们发生了争执。
And at some point, he brought out this knife that he carried.
不知什么时候，他拿出了随身携带的这把刀。
And I think she asked her grandmother to take the kids out of the room.
我想她要求她的祖母把孩子们带出房间。
But the grandmother wanted to intervene, and wanted to stop John from hurting her granddaughter.
但祖母想要介入，想要阻止约翰伤害她的孙女。
So at that point, I think John was cutting Dominique.
所以在那一点上，我认为约翰正在削减多米尼克。
She was hurt.
她受伤了。
She was cut pretty badly.
她被割得很严重。
And John then went into the kitchen, and lay down on the floor and started crying.
然后约翰走进厨房，躺在地板上开始哭泣。
That I distinctly remember her telling me.
我清楚地记得她告诉我的。
I mean he had cut her a number of times, and cut the grandmother.
我的意思是他已经多次割伤了她，还割伤了祖母。
Dominique didn't want to talk with me for this story.
多米尼克不想和我谈论这个故事。
But the police crime report runs almost 20 pages, using interviews with Dominique, Dominique's grandmother, two witnesses, and observations of several different arresting officers to reconstruct the events of the night.
但警方的犯罪报告长达近 20 页，通过对多米尼克、多米尼克的祖母、两名目击者的采访以及对几名不同逮捕警察的观察，重建了当晚的事件。
According to the report, John, Dominique, and their one and a half year old daughter had been eating dinner with Dominique's three year old son from another father and Dominique's grandmother.
据报道，约翰、多米尼克和他们一岁半的女儿正在与多米尼克另一位父亲、多米尼克祖母的三岁儿子一起吃晚饭。
They had all been getting along.
他们一直相处得很好。
Then around 7:00 PM, John and Dominique started arguing about bus schedules.
然后晚上 7:00 左右，约翰和多米尼克开始争论公交车时刻表。
The argument escalated to the point of violence fairly quickly.
争论很快升级到暴力的程度。
John ran into the kitchen and grabbed a steak knife, screaming, "I'm going to kill your ass." Dominique's grandmother calmed him down for a while, but then he erupted again.
约翰跑进厨房，抓起一把牛排刀，尖叫道：“我要杀了你。”多米尼克的祖母让他平静了一会儿，但随后他又爆发了。
From the police report, quote, "John grabbed Dominique by the hair.
引用警方的报告：“约翰抓住了多米尼克的头发。
John dragged Dominique down to the kitchen floor.
约翰把多米尼克拖到厨房地板上。
John then began slamming her head into the kitchen floor repeatedly."
然后约翰开始反复将她的头撞到厨房地板上。”
Later, he threw Dominique's three year old son across the apartment onto a couch.
后来，他把多米尼克三岁的儿子扔到公寓另一边的沙发上。
He grabbed Dominique around the neck, and tried to choke her.
他抓住多米尼克的脖子，试图掐死她。
He slashed the knife down on Dominique's hand, and then grabbed her, and held the knife to her neck.
他把刀砍在多米尼克的手上，然后抓住她，把刀架在她的脖子上。
He then let her go, sat down next to the refrigerator, and begin to cut himself on the chest.
然后他放开她，坐在冰箱旁边，开始割伤自己的胸部。
That's when the police arrived.
这时警察赶到了。
He told them, see I don't care.
他告诉他们，看我不在乎。
It doesn't hurt.
它不疼。
Later he told the police he wished they'd shot him.
后来他告诉警察他希望他们开枪射杀他。
It's hard to reconcile the person depicted in this police report with the person I met at the VA.
很难将这份警方报告中描述的人与我在退伍军人管理局遇到的人联系起来。
I couldn't imagine this shy, friendly guy hurting anyone, let alone an elderly woman, a three year old, and his own fiancee.
我无法想象这个害羞、友好的家伙会伤害任何人，更不用说一个年长的女人、一个三岁的孩子和他自己的未婚妻。
And I was very surprised when I'd heard the news that he'd done it.
当我听到他这么做的消息时，我感到非常惊讶。
But no one else was, not Dr Mundt, John's therapist, and not John himself.
但除了约翰的治疗师蒙特博士，还有约翰本人，没有其他人是这样的。
I know that I was capable of it.
我知道我有能力做到这一点。
In no way was I like, no, not me.
我一点也不喜欢，不，不是我。
Anytime I go outside, especially around people that I like, I try to limit the time.
每当我外出时，尤其是和我喜欢的人在一起时，我都会尽量限制时间。
That's most of the time why I'm so paranoid, to keep them safe.
这就是大多数时候我如此偏执的原因，为了确保他们的安全。
And I've got to keep them safe from me.
我必须保证他们远离我。
My producer Alex Blumberg and I visited John in jail outside Chicago.
我和我的制片人亚历克斯·布隆伯格探望了芝加哥郊外监狱中的约翰。
And it turns out he had a less clear idea than Dr. Mundt does about what happened that night.
事实证明，他对那天晚上发生的事情的了解不如蒙特博士那么清楚。
In fact, he says he can't really remember it at all.
事实上，他说他根本不记得了。
He's been here for seven months, during which time he hasn't been allowed to talk to Dominique.
他已经在这里呆了七个月了，在此期间他不被允许与多米尼克交谈。
He remembers going to Dominique's grandmother's house.
他记得去了多米尼克的祖母家。
He remembers drinking a glass of brandy.
他记得喝了一杯白兰地。
He remembers talking to her about cleaning the bathroom.
他记得和她谈论过打扫浴室的事。
And then--
然后——
I remember waking up in here.
我记得我是在这儿醒来的。
Still bleeding.
还在流血。
I got stitched up some.
我缝了一些。
And I'm like, who cut me?
我就想，谁砍了我？
They're like, well you did.
他们就像，你做得很好。
When you learned what happened-- when you woke up and people told you what happened-- do you remember what your first thought was or your first emotion?
当你得知发生了什么事时——当你醒来，人们告诉你发生了什么事——你还记得你的第一个想法是什么或你的第一个情绪吗？
Was it like--
是不是就像——
My first thought was that I killed my daughter.
我的第一个念头是我杀了我的女儿。
I thought I killed my daughter.
我以为我杀了我的女儿
That was my first thought.
这是我的第一个想法。
When I go to sleep at night, I see little pieces coming back.
当我晚上睡觉时，我看到小碎片又回来了。
I can see myself cutting myself.
我可以看到自己割伤自己。
I haven't been able to see cutting Dominique.
我没能看到多米尼克被砍。
I try to concentrate on it.
我试着集中注意力。
I don't know if it's because I don't want to remember.
不知道是不是因为不想回忆。
I used to think people would be like, oh man, I can't remember this stuff.
我曾经以为人们会说，天哪，我不记得这些东西了。
What happened?
发生了什么事？
And I'd be like, bull [BLEEP], you remember what happened.
我会说，公牛[BLEEP]，你记得发生了什么。
And now I know how that feels.
现在我知道那是什么感觉了。
But it's scary.
但这很可怕。
To be unsure about what happened.
不确定发生了什么。
I could have done anything.
我本可以做任何事。
It doesn't surprise me at all to hear that he doesn't remember, because I really believe he dissociated.
听到他不记得了，我一点也不感到惊讶，因为我真的相信他已经分裂了。
John's therapist, Dr. Mundt, says he has seen this happen many times.
约翰的治疗师蒙特博士说，他已经多次看到这种情况发生。
He's even seen it happen to John.
他甚至亲眼目睹过这种事发生在约翰身上。
John was sleeping at the VA when another vet startled him.
约翰正在退伍军人管理局睡觉时，另一位兽医吓到了他。
He flew into a rage, threatened the other vet, but suddenly stopped.
他勃然大怒，威胁另一名兽医，但突然停了下来。
Mundt says it was like he shook himself awake.
蒙特说，他就像是把自己摇醒了。
He seemed confused and took off running.
他似乎很困惑并开始奔跑。
Mundt says John and his other patients have experienced intense feelings of war, and that all they need is a taste of those feelings in civilian life to make them believe they are in a life and death situation.
蒙特说，约翰和他的其他病人都经历过强烈的战争感觉，他们所需要的只是在平民生活中体验这些感觉，让他们相信自己正处于生死攸关的境地。
This break in perception is what Mundt and other therapists call a disassociative state.
这种感知的断裂就是蒙特和其他治疗师所说的分离状态。
And unfortunately, situations where really, really strong feelings are involved.
不幸的是，在某些情况下，感情会非常非常强烈。
Even if all that was happening was that Dominique was maybe yelling at him or that an argument was escalating, where, in other words, she wasn't necessarily threatening him or a risk to him, he could feel it that way.
即使发生的一切只是多米尼克可能在对他大喊大叫，或者争吵正在升级，换句话说，她不一定威胁他或对他构成风险，他也能有这种感觉。
If those emotions take over, it really can kick somebody into this other gear, where they dissociate.
如果这些情绪占据主导地位，它确实可以将某人踢入另一种状态，使他们分裂。
And then people can do all kinds of things that they're not going to really recall afterwards.
然后人们可以做各种各样事后他们不会真正回忆起来的事情。
I talked with John in the psych ward of the county jail for almost three hours.
我在县监狱的精神病房里和约翰聊了将近三个小时。
And it became clear to me how much I'd missed the first time I had talked with him, the full extent of what he described as the two faces.
我清楚地意识到，我是多么怀念第一次与他交谈时，怀念他所描述的两张脸的全部内容。
John had started getting violent almost a year before I met him at the VA.
约翰在我在退伍军人管理局见到他之前差不多一年就开始变得暴力了。
And when I visited him at his apartment in November, his habit of flying unprovoked into a rage was well established.
当我十一月份去他的公寓拜访他时，他无缘无故大发雷霆的习惯已经根深蒂固。
One of my brothers-- my doctor brother-- we were playing Monopoly.
我的一个兄弟——我的医生兄弟——我们正在玩大富翁。
And we were playing craps.
我们正在玩掷骰子。
It was with Monopoly money.
这是用大富翁的钱。
Just something to pass the time until everyone got ready to play Monopoly.
只是为了打发时间，直到每个人都准备好玩大富翁。
And he cheated me.
他欺骗了我。
But it's Monopoly money.
但这是大富翁的钱。
That's what I say now.
这就是我现在所说的。
But once I was like, man, you cheated me, I got angry.
但一旦我说，伙计，你欺骗了我，我就生气了。
And then I really got angry, trying to hurt my brother over some Monopoly money.
然后我真的很生气，试图因为一些大富翁的钱来伤害我的兄弟。
Like what?
比如什么？
Like you got into a fight?
就像你们打架一样？
You were hitting him?
你打他了？
Right, right, right.
对，对，对。
And most military people or veterans, we don't fight like regular people fight.
对于大多数军人或退伍军人来说，我们不像普通人那样战斗。
We don't throw fists.
我们不挥拳头。
It's not like a boxing match.
这不像拳击比赛。
It's like, eye gouging, putting you down on the ground, make them not be there anymore.
这就像挖眼睛，把你放在地上，让他们不再在那里。
So most of the time when I did get into a physical altercation, people thought that I was trying to kill them.
因此，大多数时候，当我确实发生肢体冲突时，人们都认为我想杀死他们。
And most of the time that's what it was.
大多数时候就是这样。
John had put his cousin in the hospital.
约翰把他的表弟送进了医院。
He'd broken his little sister's arm.
他打断了他妹妹的手臂。
Friends, people on the street, car salesmen, he overreacted all the time.
朋友、街上的人、汽车推销员，他总是反应过度。
He got fired at his last job as a hotel security guard for being too aggressive with the guests.
他在上一份酒店保安工作中因对客人过于咄咄逼人而被解雇。
Gradually he alienated his friends and family, to the extent that when I finally met him he was almost completely alone in the city where he'd grown up.
渐渐地，他疏远了他的朋友和家人，以至于当我最终见到他时，他在他长大的城市里几乎完全是孤独的。
You could divide the trauma of war into two categories, the bad things that are done to you-- being shot at, gassed, ambushed-- and the bad things you do to other people.
你可以将战争的创伤分为两类：对你做的坏事——被枪击、毒气、伏击——以及你对其他人做的坏事。
A lot of us, I think, assume that for most veterans, what sticks with them is the first category of trauma.
我想，我们很多人都认为，对于大多数退伍军人来说，困扰他们的是第一类创伤。
They come back edgier, more skittish, and always afraid for their own safety.
他们回来后变得更加急躁、更加不安，并且总是担心自己的安全。
And that's true for John.
对约翰来说也是如此。
But the way he's living now is just as driven by that second category of trauma, living with the consequences of what he's done.
但他现在的生活方式同样受到第二类创伤的驱动，承受着他所做的事情的后果。
He feels guilty.
他感到内疚。
And that guilt gets turned into violence.
而这种内疚就会变成暴力。
In Iraq, John fired 60 millimeter mortar rounds, which would destroy houses and buildings.
在伊拉克，约翰发射了 60 毫米迫击炮弹，摧毁了房屋和建筑物。
It's not like you see some big Arnold Schwarzenegger built guys out there with rippling muscles, and they're coming at you with all these weapons.
这不像你看到一些阿诺·施瓦辛格塑造的肌肉发达的家伙，他们拿着所有这些武器向你袭来。
You see guys with some Michael Jordan gym shoes on, with the same kind of Calvin Klein shirts you got.
你会看到一些人穿着迈克尔乔丹的运动鞋，穿着和你一样的卡尔文克莱恩衬衫。
And some of the little kids that are about 10, 11, 12 years old, these kids could be your kids.
还有一些大约 10、11、12 岁的小孩，这些孩子可能是你的孩子。
So I felt sorry.
所以我感到很遗憾。
And then you'd see these little kids dead.
然后你就会看到这些小孩子死了。
Why-- people like me-- long distance-- blowing up a house.
为什么——像我这样的人——远距离——炸毁一座房子。
Then you come and see it's smoldering up.
然后你过来看到它正在闷烧。
And you've got a pregnant lady there.
你那里有一位孕妇。
She is dead, but the baby is still alive.
她死了，但孩子还活着。
And she's cooking.
她正在做饭。
At first I thought that I deserved this-- not being in jail, but being tormented at night when I go to sleep.
起初我认为这是我应得的——不是坐牢，而是在晚上睡觉时受到折磨。
You got to pay for everything.
你必须付出一切代价。
Everything doesn't go unpunished.
一切都不会逃脱惩罚。
It would be simpler, he says, if instead of just leaving him to stew over what he did in the war, someone would just cut off his finger, give him a real punishment.
他说，如果有人不让他为自己在战争中的所作所为而苦恼，而是砍掉他的手指，给予他真正的惩罚，那就更简单了。
Because of his guilt, John doesn't like to talk about what he did in Iraq, not with me, not with his therapist, and definitely not with strangers who find out he was in combat and ask if he killed anyone over there.
由于内疚，约翰不喜欢谈论他在伊拉克所做的事情，不喜欢和我，不喜欢和他的治疗师，更不喜欢和那些发现他正在战斗并问他是否在那里杀了人的陌生人谈论。
That's the first thing everybody asks.
这是每个人都会问的第一件事。
If you're artillery man, what do you think?
如果你是炮兵，你会怎么想？
But if you know anyone that has actually hurt someone, they're not proud.
但如果你认识任何真正伤害过别人的人，他们就不会感到骄傲。
That's not something that you talk about with someone.
这不是你与某人谈论的事情。
I'm not going to go up to a girl that got raped, and be like, you been raped lately?
我不会去找一个被强奸的女孩，然后说，你最近被强奸了？
Because it's the same thing.
因为这是同一件事。
That's how it feels.
就是这样的感觉。
I've been raped before.
我以前被强奸过。
That brings on the same kind of feeling.
这会带来同样的感觉。
Right, when I was a kid.
对了，小时候。
Chris Neary It's weird.
克里斯·尼尔里 这很奇怪。
I think that most people wouldn't make that connection, being raped and killing somebody or hurting somebody as like the same-- How do you think they are related?
我认为大多数人不会将被强奸、杀害或伤害某人等情况联系起来——你认为他们之间有什么关系？
What's different and what's similar?
有什么不同和相似之处？
The similarities are I regret both.
相似之处是我都感到遗憾。
Both were out of my power.
两者都超出了我的能力范围。
I had no control.
我无法控制。
It's the same thing, because we don't have any control about what we do.
这是同样的事情，因为我们无法控制我们所做的事情。
We just do what we're told to do.
我们只是做我们被告知要做的事情。
And you can't forget.
你不能忘记。
I have dreams that repeat over and over.
我有一遍又一遍重复的梦。
I have a dream where my fiancee is sitting in a chair with her back to me, like one of those little wooden chairs.
我梦见我的未婚妻背对着我坐在一张椅子上，就像那些小木椅一样。
And she's like in a factory or some room.
她就像在工厂或某个房间里。
And there's an Iraqi that cuts her throat.
还有一个伊拉克人割断了她的喉咙。
When I go to try to save her, to try to go get him, he disappears.
当我试图拯救她、试图去找他时，他却消失了。
And I have another dream where I'm mutilating my little baby, taking her by the legs, and just smashing her against the wall, or tables, or stuff.
我还有另一个梦，梦见我残害我的小宝宝，抓住她的腿，然后把她撞到墙上、桌子或其他东西上。
Yep, every night.
是的，每天晚上。
Can I ask what you're thinking about now?
我可以问你现在在想什么吗？
Same dreams.
同样的梦想。
They seem real.
它们看起来很真实。
Chris Neary Dr. Mundt says John is still a good candidate for rehabilitation, even after all this.
克里斯·尼尔里·蒙特博士表示，即使经历了这一切，约翰仍然是康复的良好候选人。
The fact that he's so verbal is a big thing.
事实上，他如此健谈是一件大事。
He can describe what happened to him in Iraq, and talk about his guilty feelings, which means he's treatable.
他可以描述他在伊拉克发生的事情，并谈论他的内疚感，这意味着他是可以治疗的。
And he still wants the life he was heading towards back in high school, the life he would have had if he hadn't gone to war.
他仍然想要高中时的生活，如果他没有参战的话他会过上的生活。
John's lawyer is working to reach a pre-trial agreement, where John would be released from jail and put into a program that is sort of like an intense probation, where he would have to stay on his medication and stay away from alcohol.
约翰的律师正在努力达成一项审前协议，根据该协议，约翰将从监狱获释，并进入一个类似于严格缓刑的计划，在那里他必须继续服药并远离酒精。
But John is nervous about that.
但约翰对此感到紧张。
When he was on the outside, he was paranoid.
当他在外面时，他很偏执。
Every stranger he saw on the street, every sound he heard at night was a potential threat, someone coming to get him.
他在街上看到的每一个陌生人，晚上听到的每一个声音都是潜在的威胁，有人来抓他。
He would notice people on the street and start running.
他会注意到街上的人并开始奔跑。
I haven't slept this good since I came home, being in here.
自从我回到家以来，我还没有睡得这么好过。
I know it sounds strange.
我知道这听起来很奇怪。
But I can sleep.
但我可以睡觉。
I'm locked in a room by myself, and nobody can get in.
我把自己锁在一个房间里，谁也进不去。
I don't feel threatened.
我不觉得受到威胁。
I don't have to hear the water dripping in the faucet, or the toilet running, or the birds outside on the trees, and people outside, cars and all that.
我不需要听到水龙头里滴水的声音，或者厕所的水流声，或者外面树上的鸟儿的声音，外面的人，汽车等等。
I just don't hear it.
我就是没听见。
Because it starts to hurt up in your stomach, and in your back, and in your neck, because you're trying to listen all day.
因为你的胃、背部和脖子开始疼痛，因为你整天都在努力倾听。
I'm getting nervous just thinking about going outside.
一想到要出去我就感到紧张。
I'll be getting out of here in a couple weeks.
几周后我就会离开这里。
And I can feel it coming back.
我能感觉到它又回来了。
Just nervous.
只是紧张。
I feel a little normal while I'm in here.
我在这里的时候感觉有点正常。
John says jail is a good place to practice being normal, to practice having normal conversations, where you don't talk about much.
约翰说监狱是一个练习正常的好地方，练习进行正常的对话，在那里你不会说太多话。
In jail, John says, he'll yell at people, and then actually go back and apologize.
约翰说，在监狱里，他会对别人大喊大叫，然后真的回去道歉。
He says it's the first time in a long time he's talked to anyone who doesn't have a white jacket or a Ph.D. John says he's not sure what he'll say to Dominique once he's released, or how he'll explain what's happened.
他说，这是他很长一段时间以来第一次与没有白夹克或没有博士学位的人交谈。约翰说，他不确定出狱后会对多米尼克说些什么，或者如何解释发生的事情。
He says he wants to apologize, and see if she'll have him back.
他说他想道歉，看看她是否能让他回来。
Chris Neary in Chicago.
克里斯·尼尔里在芝加哥。
Our program was produced today by Lisa Pollak and myself, with Alex Blumberg, Jane Feltes, Sarah Koenig, Robyn Semien, Alissa Shipp and Nancy Updike.
今天我们的节目由 Lisa Pollak 和我本人以及 Alex Blumberg、Jane Feltes、Sarah Koenig、Robyn Semien、Alissa Shipp 和 Nancy Updike 制作。
Our senior producer is Julie Snyder.
我们的高级制片人是朱莉·斯奈德。
Adrianne Mathiowetz runs our website.
阿德琳娜·马修韦茨 (Adrianne Mathiowetz) 负责运营我们的网站。
Production help from Seth Lind, [UNINTELLIGIBLE], and P.J.
Seth Lind、[无法辨认] 和 P.J. 提供制作帮助
Vogt.
沃格特。
Music help from Jessica Hopper.
杰西卡·霍珀的音乐帮助。
[ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS] Our website, www.thisamericanlife.org, where you can get our free-- absolutely free-- podcasts, and where there is still time to enter our t-shirt design contest.
[鸣谢] 我们的网站 www.thisamericanlife.org，您可以在其中获得我们免费（绝对免费）的播客，并且还有时间参加我们的 T 恤设计竞赛。
Details and rules-- and there is a cash prize-- at www.thisamericanlife.org.
详情和规则——还有现金奖励——请访问www.thisamericanlife.org。
This American Life is distributed by Public Radio International.
《美国生活》由国际公共广播电台发行。
[FUNDING CREDITS] WBEZ management oversight for our program by our boss Mr. Torey Malatia, who is sure that the devil, himself, is regularly listening to public radio.
[资金来源] 我们的老板 Torey Malatia 先生对我们的项目进行 WBEZ 管理监督，他确信魔鬼本人经常收听公共广播。
And of course, though the devil has lots of money, he never pledges.
当然，魔鬼虽然有很多钱，但他从不许诺。
For whatever reason, my reaction was to sort of challenge the devil.
不管出于什么原因，我的反应是挑战魔鬼。
Come on, bring it on.
来吧，带上它。
I'm Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯。
We'll be back next week with more stories of This American Life.
下周我们将带来更多《美国生活》的故事。
This American Life is produced in collaboration with WBEZ Chicago and delivered to stations by PRX The Public Radio Exchange.
《This American Life》与 WBEZ Chicago 合作制作，并由 PRX 公共广播电台传送到各电台。