305: The This American Life Holiday Spectacular - This American Life
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00:00 00:00 Transcript Share This American Life Life Partners How to Listen Episodes Recommended About Overview Staff Announcements Fellowships Jobs Music Make Radio On The Road FAQ Submissions Merch Contact Us Our Other Shows Merch Follow Us Life Partners Subscribe to our newsletter Full episode Toggle Audio and Transcript Sync Transcript | Episode #305 | December 24, 2010 305: The This American Life Holiday Spectacular Note: This American Life is produced for the ear and designed to be heard.
00:00 00:00 文字记录 分享此 美国生活 生活伙伴 如何收听 剧集 推荐 关于 概述 员工公告 奖学金 工作 音乐 在路上制作电台 常见问题解答 提交 商品 联系我们 我们的其他节目 商品 关注我们 生活伙伴 订阅我们的时事通讯 整集 切换音频和文字记录同步 文字记录 | 内容第 305 集 | 2010 年 12 月 24 日 305：《This American Life》假期精彩 注：《This American Life》是为耳朵而制作的，旨在让人们听到。
If you are able, we strongly encourage you to listen to the audio, which includes emotion and emphasis that's not on the page.
如果可以的话，我们强烈建议您收听音频，其中包括页面上没有的情感和重点。
Transcripts are generated using a combination of speech recognition software and human transcribers, and may contain errors.
文字记录是使用语音识别软件和人工转录员结合生成的，可能包含错误。
Please check the corresponding audio before quoting in print.
请在印刷版引用前检查相应的音频。
Prologue Ira Glass Hello everyone.
序言 艾拉·格拉斯 大家好。
Ladies and gentlemen, happy holidays.
女士们先生们，节日快乐。
Ira Glass here.
艾拉·格拉斯在这里。
And this, of course, right here is the book which contains every Christmas story ever told.
当然，这本书包含了所有讲述过的圣诞故事。
It's a big book.
这是一本大书。
It is a very big book.
这是一本很大的书。
And as I turn the pages for our stories today-- oh, wait a minute-- A Christmas Carol has been torn out of this book, and The Night Before Christmas .
当我今天翻开我们的故事时——哦，等一下——一首圣诞颂歌和《圣诞节前夜》被从这本书中撕了下来。
The pages are gone.
页面不见了。
The Original True Story of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer , it's just been ripped out of here.
红鼻子驯鹿鲁道夫的真实故事，刚刚从这里被撕下来。
The Grinch, Frosty the Snowman, Miracle on 34th Street-- they're all gone.
《圣诞怪杰》、《雪人霜》、《34 街奇迹》——它们都消失了。
How will there be Christmas without Christmas stories?
没有圣诞故事怎么会有圣诞节呢？
Wait a minute.
等一下。
We can make new Christmas stories.
我们可以创作新的圣诞故事。
I'll just sound the emergency horn.
我会按响紧急喇叭。
Hold on for a second.
等一下。
We'll get David Sedaris and Sarah Vowell and John Hodgman Jonathan Goldstein and Heather O'Neill to write new Christmas fables.
我们将邀请大卫·塞达里斯、莎拉·沃威尔、约翰·霍奇曼、乔纳森·戈德斯坦和希瑟·奥尼尔撰写新的圣诞寓言。
We've got just one hour.
我们只有一小时的时间。
From WBEZ Chicago, distributed by Public Radio International it is a This American life Christmas Spectacular in which we head out on a mission that could not be more important.
来自 WBEZ 芝加哥，由国际公共广播电台发行，这是一档《美国生活》的圣诞盛会，我们在其中执行一项极其重要的使命。
If the old Christmas classics are gone, why we'll make new classics.
如果旧的圣诞经典都消失了，为什么我们还要创造新的经典。
And with them, we are going to do nothing less than save Christmas.
和他们一起，我们要做的就是拯救圣诞节。
And responding to this Christmas emergency distress call first is Mr. David Rackoff.
首先响应圣诞紧急求救电话的是戴维·拉科夫先生。
10:00AM in December in midtown Manhattan, Helen sits at her desk in a dress of blue satin, a vision of evening in the mackerel light, she is garbed for the company party that night.
12 月的上午 10:00，在曼哈顿市中心，海伦穿着蓝色缎子连衣裙坐在办公桌前，呈现出鲭鱼灯下的傍晚景象，她盛装出席当晚的公司聚会。
It is too far a trek out to Avenue J just to go home to change at the end of the day.
一天结束后，要长途跋涉到 J 大道回家换衣服，实在是太远了。
So she sits doing work, ignoring the mounting whispers and jokes led by Joan in accounting.
所以她坐着工作，忽略了会计部门琼带来的越来越多的窃窃私语和笑话。
She's aware that her dress makes the other girls laugh as they congregate over the mimeograph.
她知道她的裙子让其他女孩聚集在油印机前开怀大笑。
Helen gamely endures not the kindest of stares with aplomb, for you see, Helen no longer cares.
海伦勇敢地泰然地忍受着最善意的目光，因为你看，海伦不再在乎了。
Well, that's mostly the truth, though some doubts still impinge, each year around Thanksgiving an unwelcome twinge starts to niggle and rankle so that by mid-December all that Helen can think is, do they still remember?
好吧，这基本上是事实，尽管仍然存在一些疑虑，但每年感恩节前后，一种不受欢迎的刺痛开始变得烦人，以至于到了十二月中旬，海伦所能想到的就是，他们还记得吗？
Time's gone by since that silly, regrettable business when she became known as the girl who ruined Christmas.
自从她被称为毁掉圣诞节的女孩那件愚蠢而令人遗憾的事情以来，时间已经过去了。
Helen harbors the hope that the passing five years have made folks forget both the vomit and tears, and the throwing of glassware and drunken oration, that half-hour tirade of recrimination where-- feeling misused-- she got pretty plastered and named his name publicly, called him a bastard.
海伦希望，过去的五年能让人们忘记呕吐和眼泪、扔玻璃器皿和醉酒演说，以及半个小时的长篇大论的指责——她感觉自己受到了不公正的待遇——她很伤心，公开点名了他的名字，称他是私生子。
The details are fuzzy, though others have told her how she insulted this one and cried on that shoulder, how she lurched 'round the ballroom all pitching and weaving and ended the night in the ladies' lounge, heaving.
细节很模糊，尽管其他人告诉她她如何侮辱这个人并在那个肩膀上哭泣，她如何在舞厅里摇摇晃晃地摇摇晃晃，最后在女士休息室里喘着粗气结束了这一晚。
Helen turns a blind eye to the smirks and the winks.
海伦对傻笑和眨眼视而不见。
Surely by now they've forgotten, she thinks.
她想，现在他们肯定已经忘记了。
How had it begun, before things all turned rotten?
在事情变得腐烂之前，它是如何开始的？
She can pinpoint the day.
她可以准确地确定这一天。
She has never forgotten how he came to her desk and leaned over her chair to look over some papers and then smelled her hair.
她永远不会忘记他是如何来到她的办公桌前，靠在她的椅子上翻阅一些文件，然后闻她的头发的。
"Gardenias," he'd said-- his voice sultry and lazy-- then was back to all business.
“栀子花，”他说道——他的声音性感而慵懒——然后又回到正题。
Helen felt she'd gone crazy.
海伦觉得自己疯了。
She was certainly never an expert at men, but an inkling was twinkling, especially when the next day he all but confirmed Helen's hunch.
她当然不是男人方面的专家，但一丝迹象正在闪烁，尤其是第二天他几乎证实了海伦的预感。
He leaned out of his office and asked her to lunch.
他探出办公室，请她共进午餐。
Their talk was all awkward and formal to start.
他们的谈话一开始就显得尴尬而正式。
He said that he found her efficient and smart.
他说他发现她高效而聪明。
She thanked him, then stopped.
她谢过他，然后停了下来。
She was quite at a loss.
她颇为不知所措。
She'd never before really talked to her boss.
她以前从未真正与她的老板交谈过。
They each had martinis, which helped turn things mellow.
他们每个人都喝了马提尼酒，这有助于让气氛变得柔和。
He asked where she lived and if she had a fellow.
他问她住在哪里，是否有同伴。
He reached for her hand and asked, "Will you allow an old man to wonder who's kissing you now?"
他伸手握住她的手，问道：“你能让一个老人想知道现在是谁在吻你吗？”
It was close and convenient, his spare midtown rental.
这是他在市中心闲置的出租屋，距离很近，很方便。
And after, more drinks at a bar near Grand Central where they sat once again in uncomfortable silence, like two guilty parties to some kind of violence.
之后，他们又在中央车站附近的一家酒吧喝了更多酒，他们再次陷入令人不安的沉默中，就像是某种暴力的两个有罪者。
They sipped among other oblivion-seekers while June Christy sang from the bar's tinny speakers.
他们和其他寻求遗忘的人一起喝酒，而琼·克里斯蒂则用酒吧的小扬声器唱歌。
[MUSIC- "INTERLUDE" PERFORMED BY JUNE CHRISTY]
[音乐-琼·克里斯蒂演奏的“插曲”]
Helen touched up her lipstick.
海伦涂了口红。
They got to their feet and emerged from the afternoon hush to the street.
他们站起来，从午后的寂静中走出来，来到街上。
He patted her cheek and said, "I'm replenished," then was off through the crowd for the next train to Greenwich.
他拍拍她的脸颊说：“我吃饱了。”然后穿过人群，登上下一趟开往格林威治的火车。
Helen pictured his house with its broad flagstone path, the windows lit up, children fresh from the bath.
海伦想象着他的房子有宽阔的石板路，窗户亮着，孩子们刚洗完澡。
Helen wondered if she might just smell on his skin the copper-y scent of their afternoon sin.
海伦想知道她是否可以在他的皮肤上闻到他们下午罪恶的铜色气味。
At her desk the next Monday, it was business as always.
下周一，她的办公桌上一如既往地忙碌着。
There were no words exchanged, not a glance in the hallways.
走廊里没有交谈，也没有看一眼。
With relief, Helen thought, well that's that.
海伦松了一口气，心想，好吧，就是这样。
Never more.
再也不会了。
But next Friday found them at his pied-a-terre door, and the Friday thereafter, and the one after that, 'til sometime in late June when their actions begat what such actions are wont to, when caution's ignored.
但下周五他们就在他的临时住处门口发现了，之后的周五，再下一个周五，直到六月下旬的某个时候，他们的行为导致了这种行为惯常的行为，当时警告被忽视了。
The solution was something she could not afford.
解决办法是她负担不起的。
They talked in his office behind his closed door.
他们在他关着门的办公室里交谈。
She could tell from his face that he'd been there before.
从他的表情上，她可以看出他以前来过这里。
In the envelope Helen found the next day on her desk was $200 and a downtown address.
第二天，海伦在她的办公桌上发现了一个信封，里面有 200 美元和市中心的地址。
She'd never had visions of roses or cupids.
她从未见过玫瑰或丘比特。
From the very beginning, she wasn't that stupid.
从一开始，她就没有那么傻。
He was older, that's true.
他年纪大了，这是事实。
But they'd both played the game of never once speaking the other one's name.
但他们俩都玩过一次游戏，从来没有说过对方的名字。
And what you don't hope for can't turn round to hurt you.
你所不希望的事情也不会反过来伤害你。
This wasn't the first time she'd given her virtue.
这并不是她第一次施德。
You have to want something to then feel rejected.
你必须想要一些东西，然后才会感到被拒绝。
This wasn't that different from what she'd expected.
这和她想象的并没有什么不同。
Expected, she said, and it sounded absurd.
她说，这是意料之中的事，但这听起来很荒谬。
How long had it been since she'd heard that word?
她已经有多久没有听到过这个词了？
She'd heard stories of girls all summarily sacked.
她听说过女孩全部被立即解雇的故事。
She was just glad for a job to which to come back.
她只是很高兴能回到工作岗位。
Which she did one week later.
一星期后她就这么做了。
He was surly, a jerk.
他脾气暴躁，是个混蛋。
She should have walked out, but she needed the work.
她应该走出去，但她需要工作。
Some minimal kindness was not a tall order.
一些起码的善意并不是什么难事。
Instead, he was rude or he outright ignored her until she decided that this wasn't right and stood in the door of his office one night.
相反，他很粗鲁，或者完全无视她，直到她觉得这不对，有一天晚上站在他办公室门口。
He was coated and hatted and ready to go when she asked, would it kill you to just say hello?
当她问他“打个招呼会杀了你吗？”时，他穿着外套，戴上帽子，准备出发。
He took a step backwards as if sensing danger and fixed her with eyes of a cold-blooded stranger.
他仿佛感觉到了危险，向后退了一步，用冷血陌生人的目光注视着她。
"I don't know what your game is, and frankly don't care, but don't threaten me, Helen.
“我不知道你的把戏是什么，坦白说我也不在乎，但别威胁我，海伦。
I warn you.
我警告你。
Beware."
当心。”
The very next Monday, from others, she heard that-- without her agreement-- he'd had her transferred.
就在下周一，她从其他人那里听说——未经她同意——他已经把她调走了。
The company didn't just outright demote her, but Helen became what is known as a floater-- doing steno for this one or helping with filing.
公司不仅直接将她降职，而且海伦还成为了所谓的流动人员——为这件事做速记或帮助归档。
And through it all, Helen made sure to keep smiling.
在这一切过程中，海伦始终保持着微笑。
The salt in the wound was the sight that then faced her-- those looks he exchanged with the girl who'd replaced her.
伤口上的盐就是她当时面对的景象——那些他与取代她的女孩交换的眼神。
Helen made herself steely, was ever the stoic.
海伦让自己变得坚强，永远是坚忍的。
She held back her tears with an effort heroic.
她勇敢地忍住了眼泪。
But something was growing with each passing day till it burst forth that night of her shameful display.
但有些东西一天天过去，直到那天晚上她那可耻的表现才爆发出来。
Perhaps there are those who consider her dumb or a patsy for even agreeing to come, simply showing herself in the very same setting each year cannot help to ensure folks forgetting.
也许有些人认为她很蠢，或者觉得她是个可怜人，因为她同意来，只是每年都在同样的环境中展示自己，并不能帮助确保人们忘记。
But she will not stay home or remain out of sight, for to do so-- she thinks-- would prove that they're right.
但她不会呆在家里或远离人们的视线，因为她认为这样做可以证明他们是对的。
That was then.
就是那时。
This is now.
这是现在。
She needn't be pliant.
她不必柔顺。
So she stands there each Christmas, alone and defiant.
所以每年圣诞节她都会站在那里，孤独而挑衅。
While others quaff cocktails and gradually lose inhibitions that slowly dissolve with the booze.
而另一些人则喝着鸡尾酒，逐渐失去抑制力，并随着酒液慢慢溶解。
There's jostling and coupling, embracing with brio, all being scored by the hired jazz trio.
推搡、耦合、热烈的拥抱，所有这些都是由聘请的爵士三重奏组完成的。
Helen just stands, observing it all, sipping her brandy against the far wall.
海伦只是站着，观察着这一切，靠在远处的墙上喝着白兰地。
The evening progresses, the room now quite loud.
夜幕降临，房间里变得相当吵闹。
And here's Joan from accounting.
这是会计部门的琼。
She weaves through the crowd, a man on her left arm, a drink in her right, "All alone are we, Helen?
她在人群中穿行，左臂挽着一个男人，右臂握着一杯酒，“我们孤身一人吗，海伦？
No fella tonight?" Joan wears on her face an expression of utter concern, like her mouth couldn't even melt butter.
今晚没有朋友吗？”琼脸上露出极度担忧的表情，就像她的嘴连黄油都融化不了一样。
Helen almost begins to explain or appease, until stopped by this knowledge-- and it makes her blood freeze-- for here is the truth Helen long had resisted, in all of their eyes she barely existed except as a source of some acid-tinged mirth.
海伦几乎开始解释或安抚，直到被这个知识所阻止——这让她的血液冻结——因为这是海伦长期以来一直抵制的事实，在他们所有人的眼中，除了作为一些酸涩的欢笑的源泉之外，她几乎不存在。
For them, she's a person devoid of real worth.
对于他们来说，她是一个没有真正价值的人。
They don't think of that time.
他们没有想到那个时候。
Indeed, they don't care.
确实，他们不在乎。
She has always, to them, barely even been there.
对他们来说，她一直都几乎不存在。
The time when this might have been painful has passed.
可能会感到痛苦的时代已经过去了。
Nothing hurts Helen now.
现在没有什么能伤害海伦了。
Her heart has been cast in bronze or in iron, or chiseled from lime, or some other substance as adamantine.
她的心是用青铜或铁铸成的，或者是用石灰或其他某种精金材料凿成的。
Her biggest regret is the wasted five years that she's chided herself over shedding those tears.
她最大的遗憾是浪费了五年的时间，因为她责备自己流下了这些眼泪。
Instead of her wishing for eyes that stayed dry, she should cherish that Helen so able to cry, that Helen who felt things and then wasn't scared to express them in public, that Helen who cared.
她不应该希望眼睛保持干燥，而应该珍惜海伦如此能够哭泣，海伦感受到事情然后不害怕在公共场合表达它们，海伦关心。
She takes Joan's hands in hers with no rank or no bile.
她握着琼的手，没有任何怨恨，也没有任何胆怯。
Helen looks in her eyes and breaks into a smile.
海伦看着她的眼睛，绽放出笑容。
"You're right," Helen says, "I should probably go home." Helen smiles one more time then adds, " [BLEEP] off Joan."
“你说得对，”海伦说，“我也许应该回家了。”海伦又笑了一次，然后补充道：“琼的[哔]声。”
Helen takes off her dress and gets ready for bed.
海伦脱掉衣服准备上床睡觉。
There is peace deep within her where once only dread.
她内心深处曾经只有恐惧，现在却充满了平静。
She watches the window-- for most of the night-- turn from black to pale blue in the gathering light.
她在整个晚上的大部分时间里都看着窗户在聚光中从黑色变成淡蓝色。
Then she rises, not tired, sets the coffee to perc, for once looking forward to going to work.
然后她站起来，不觉得累，把咖啡调到四氯乙烯，这一次她期待着去上班。
For now she's immune to the power of them.
目前她对它们的力量免疫。
She repeats what came to her around 3:00AM, that alone isn't dead.
她重复了凌晨 3:00 左右想到的事情，仅此一点还没有死。
Alone's just alone, Helen thinks as she surveys her tidy, small home.
孤独就是孤独，海伦环视着自己整洁、狭小的家，心想。
A place for each thing and each thing in its place-- this order alone puts a smile on her face.
每样东西都有一个位置，每样东西都有它的位置——光是这个顺序就让她脸上露出了微笑。
There are others out there for whom life is more rough, so if this is my lot, well then, this is enough.
对于其他人来说，生活更艰难，所以如果这是我的命运，那么，这就足够了。
She washes her cup, puts it back on the shelf.
她洗了杯子，把它放回架子上。
Merry Christmas to me, Helen says to herself.
祝我圣诞快乐，海伦对自己说。
David Rackoff's latest book is called, Don't Get Too Comfortable .
大卫·拉科夫的最新书名为《不要太舒服》。
[MUSIC- "HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS" BY MARAH]
[音乐 - MARAH 的“祝你圣诞快乐”]
That's the band Marah.
那是玛拉乐队。
All this hour, we're going to be hearing Christmas songs from them.
在这一个小时里，我们都会听到他们的圣诞歌曲。
If you're just tuning in, this hour we've turned to our contributors for brand new Christmas stories.
如果您刚刚收看，这一小时我们将向撰稿人提供全新的圣诞故事。
Oh and I'm being-- oh thank you-- I'm being handed a note.
哦，哦，谢谢你，有人递给我一张纸条。
OK, a transmission is coming in over the short wave on an emergency holiday channel from a rooftop somewhere in New York City, one of our regular contributors trying to get through to me-- bring this up on the board-- with some seldom told stories about the origins of our holiday traditions.
好的，紧急假日频道的短波传输正在从纽约市某处的屋顶上传来，我们的一位定期撰稿人试图与我联系——在黑板上提到这一点——其中包含一些很少有人讲述的关于我们假日传统起源的故事。
Hold on, triangulating here.
等等，在这里进行三角测量。
Triangulating.
三角测量。
Are you receiving my transmission?
你收到我的信息了吗？
Hello.
你好。
Hello.
你好。
Greetings, my name is John Hodgman.
你好，我叫约翰·霍奇曼。
It is holiday time.
现在是假期时间。
And though I speak to you, as always, from my small, soundproof booth in my Upper West Side observatory, I am nonetheless surrounded by the trappings of the season.
尽管我像往常一样在上西区天文台的小隔音亭里与你们交谈，但我仍然被这个季节的服饰所包围。
I have mixed up holiday my famous eggnog-- secret ingredient, alcoholic eggs-- and I have lit a merry little yule log here at my feet, where I am roasting chestnuts to give to the inevitable carolers and Persian Magi and crippled English children who come to the door this time of year.
我混合了我著名的节日蛋酒——秘密成分，酒精鸡蛋——我在脚边点燃了一根快乐的圣诞小木头，我在那里烤栗子，送给每年这个时候不可避免的颂歌者、波斯贤士和残疾的英国孩子。
I have decked my soundproof booth with boughs of holly and, of course, poinsettia or, some say, poin-settia.
我用冬青树的树枝装饰了我的隔音亭，当然还有一品红，或者有人说是一品红。
Though it is actually pronounced pon-see-ha.
虽然它实际上发音为 pon-see-ha。
Did you know that it is a Mexican plant?
你知道它是墨西哥植物吗？
It is.
这是。
Named for the ambassador to Mexico, James Poinsett, it was brought to our country in 1828 and quickly became favored over its predecessor, the Christ-odendron.
它以驻墨西哥大使詹姆斯·波因塞特 (James Poinsett) 的名字命名，于 1828 年被引入我国，并很快比它的前身基督木更受青睐。
Some might argue we've ended up with an inferior, less godly plant.
有些人可能会说我们最终得到了一种低劣的、不那么神圣的植物。
But in fact, history shows us so little of Christmas is actually Christian.
但事实上，历史告诉我们，圣诞节实际上是基督教的。
Most scholars now agree, after all, that Jesus could not have been born on December 25, pointing out that shepherds did not tend their flocks in winter, and thus, could not possibly have seen the star of Bethlehem.
毕竟，大多数学者现在都同意耶稣不可能出生在 12 月 25 日，他们指出牧羊人在冬天不看管羊群，因此不可能看到伯利恒之星。
And of course, there is no way that Christ was a Capricorn.
当然，基督不可能是摩羯座。
Take this mistletoe above my head, for example.
以我头顶上方的槲寄生为例。
It was the symbol of Frigga, the Norse goddess of love.
它是北欧爱情女神弗里嘉的象征。
And it was equally prized by ancient druids as a bane against witchcraft and lightening, which I find especially comforting, as both are out to get me.
它同样被古代德鲁伊视为对抗巫术和闪电的克星，这让我感到特别安慰，因为两者都想除掉我。
It was not until the middle of the 19th century that the Christmas tree itself was generally accepted into the American home.
直到19世纪中叶，圣诞树本身才被普遍接受进入美国家庭。
The tradition originates in Germany.
这一传统起源于德国。
Originally a pagan custom, for many years German Christmas trees were dark or else lit only by natural luminous mosses.
德国的圣诞树最初是一种异教徒的习俗，多年来都是黑暗的，或者仅由天然发光的苔藓照亮。
It was Martin Luther, the great reformer, who first suggested draping the dry branches with lighted candles, presumably because he felt the custom was not sufficiently dangerous for the thrill-happy protestants.
伟大的改革家马丁·路德首先建议在干树枝上挂上点燃的蜡烛，大概是因为他觉得这种习俗对于那些喜欢刺激的新教徒来说还不够危险。
Still, most considered the tree a crude, Germanic fancy until 1850, when Prince Albert-- consort to Queen Victoria-- brought the Christmas tree to England.
尽管如此，大多数人仍认为这棵树是一种粗俗的日耳曼幻想，直到 1850 年，维多利亚女王的配偶阿尔伯特亲王将圣诞树带到了英国。
Albert, of course, was a Bavarian by birth.
当然，阿尔伯特出生时就是巴伐利亚人。
Many in England feared his foreign influence upon the queen and the nation.
许多英格兰人担心他的外国影响力对女王和国家的影响。
This wounded Albert.
这伤害了艾伯特。
And the wee hours of Christmas Eve, 1850, found him at Osborne House, the great Germanic castle he had designed on the Isle of Wight.
1850 年圣诞节前夕的凌晨，他来到了奥斯本宫，这是他在怀特岛设计的一座伟大的日耳曼城堡。
He was unable to sleep and overcome with despair.
他无法入睡，陷入绝望之中。
Despite the children he had given to the nation, despite his beautiful morning coats, and for all of Victoria's devotion to him, it seemed he would always be loathed as an alien.
尽管他为国家带来了孩子，尽管他穿着漂亮的晨礼服，尽管维多利亚对他如此忠诚，但他似乎总是被视为外星人而被憎恶。
Now he faced another drab, tree-less, English Christmas.
现在他面临着又一个单调、没有树木的英国圣诞节。
And having consumed perhaps one too many alcoholic eggs, the prince consort fled the house, wandering desolately under the starless night until he reached the sea.
或许是喝了太多的酒鸡蛋，太子妃逃离了家，在无星的夜色下凄凉地徘徊，直到海边。
There he peered from the esplanade into the icy, churning waves, "What use am I to anyone?" He said quietly in German.
在那里，他从滨海大道凝视着冰冷、翻腾的海浪，“我对任何人有什么用处？”他用德语轻声说道。
He fingered the Bavarian life insurance policy in his coat pocket.
他摸了摸外套口袋里的巴伐利亚人寿保险单。
"I am worth more dead than alive.
“我死了比活着更有价值。
I wish I had never been born."
我希望我从未出生过。”
And at that moment, he instructed his footman, Clive-- who had, of course, accompanied Albert-- to suicide his master on the spot.
就在那时，他指示他的仆人克莱夫——当然，克莱夫一直陪伴着阿尔伯特——当场自杀了他的主人。
But before he could act, Albert was startled to see another figure on the key toss himself into the abyss.
但还没等他采取行动，阿尔伯特就惊讶地看到钥匙上的另一个人影将自己扔进了深渊。
Stirred from melancholy, Albert leapt in after him and saved the strange man from drowning.
阿尔伯特因忧郁而激动，跳了进去，救了这个溺水的陌生人。
As they dried off at a nearby guard house, Albert regarded him-- a foolish little man in flowing white robes.
当他们在附近的警卫室擦干时，艾伯特看着他——一个穿着飘逸白袍的愚蠢小个子男人。
"Only a Druid Second Class," corrected the druid, who called himself Cathbad.
“只是二级德鲁伊。”自称为卡斯巴德的德鲁伊纠正道。
The time of the true druids had long been over, he explained.
真正的德鲁伊时代早已结束，他解释道。
But there were still a few adepts like himself, hoping to earn his golden sickle It was then that Cathbad reminded Albert that, long before there was Christmas, the long nights of December were illuminated by other holidays.
但仍然有一些像他一样的行家，希望赢得他的金镰刀。就在那时，卡斯巴德提醒艾伯特，早在圣诞节到来之前，十二月的漫长夜晚就被其他节日照亮了。
Albert's own Germanic Yule, for example, or the Roman feast of Sol Invictus, both celebrating the return of the sun in the darkest part of the year.
例如，阿尔伯特自己的日耳曼圣诞节，或罗马的太阳无敌节，两者都庆祝太阳在一年中最黑暗的时刻回归。
"Remember," said Cathbad, "Christmas is not a birthday so much as it is a rebirth day.
“记住，”卡斯巴德说，“圣诞节与其说是生日，不如说是重生日。
Like the evergreen itself, this holiday is a celebration of endurance, of life, of hope, in winter's longest night, which itself is not an un-Christian sentiment," said Cathbad.
就像常青树本身一样，这个节日是在冬天最长的夜晚庆祝耐力、生命和希望，这本身并不是一种非基督教情绪，”卡思巴德说。
"But wouldn't it be better celebrated with a great big fir tree, all the same?"
“不过，还是用一棵巨大的枞树来庆祝不是更好吗？”
And so at last, Albert ceased trying to belong and embraced his German heritage, pulling a great silver fir from the frozen earth with his bare hands and dragging it back to Osborne house, where he festooned it with candles and household servants.
最后，阿尔伯特不再试图融入其中，而是接受了他的德国血统，徒手从冰冻的土地上拔出一棵巨大的银杉，把它拖回奥斯本的房子，在那里他用蜡烛和仆人把它装饰起来。
Images of Albert and Victoria embracing paganism within the royal home were circulated in magazines throughout the world, quickly becoming the picture of Victorian Christmastime that every American home would anxiously aspire to.
阿尔伯特和维多利亚在王室信奉异教的照片在世界各地的杂志上流传，很快成为每个美国家庭都渴望的维多利亚圣诞节的画面。
Both Christmas trees and, curiously, Albert would soon become immensely popular.
圣诞树和阿尔伯特很快就变得非常受欢迎。
And it is still said that every time a bell rings, a Second Class Druid gets his golden sickle and a British heathen witch king finally finds the love of his people.
据说，每当钟声响起，二级德鲁伊就会得到他的金镰刀，而英国异教徒巫王也终于找到了人民的爱。
Ah, I hear the carollers coming and my soundproof booth is now on fire.
啊，我听到颂歌传来，我的隔音亭现在着火了。
But before we part, allow me to share with you some of Prince Albert's own advice for caring for and keeping your tree fresh and healthy throughout the season.
但在我们分开之前，请允许我与您分享阿尔伯特亲王自己的一些建议，以在整个季节照顾和保持您的树新鲜和健康。
First, before displaying your tree, always cut off about two inches of the stump.
首先，在展示你的树之前，一定要切掉大约两英寸的树桩。
Always keep the tree well-watered.
始终保持树充分浇水。
Remember also that it watches you and keeps within its dark and sticky pitch the memory of a thousand winters.
还要记住，它注视着你，并在它黑暗而粘稠的地方保存着一千个冬天的记忆。
And finally, despite what you may have heard elsewhere, you should never add sugar to the tree's water, or aspirin, or any other sort of food, unless it is a little human blood.
最后，不管你可能在其他地方听说过，你永远不应该在树的水、阿司匹林或任何其他种类的食物中添加糖，除非它是一点点人类血液。
Now I must bid you farewell.
现在我必须向你告别了。
God bless us, every one.
愿上帝保佑我们每一个人。
And Merry Christmas, you old building and loan.
圣诞快乐，你的老建筑和贷款。
From a soundproof booth that is now on fire, that is all.
从一个现在着火的隔音亭，仅此而已。
John Hodgman.
约翰·霍奇曼。
He's the author of the book, The Areas of My Expertise .
他是《我的专业领域》一书的作者。
Coming up, David Sedaris and Jesus.
接下来是大卫·塞达里斯和耶稣。
That's in a minute from Chicago Public Radio and Public Radio International when our program continues.
一分钟后，芝加哥公共广播电台和国际公共广播电台将继续我们的节目。
I'm Ira Glass and you're listening to a This American Life Christmas Spectacular.
我是艾拉·格拉斯，你正在听《美国生活》圣诞盛典。
We have sounded the alarm asking our contributors for brand new Christmas stories, because they and they alone can save Christmas.
我们已经敲响了警钟，要求我们的贡献者提供全新的圣诞故事，因为只有他们才能拯救圣诞节。
This next one-- about a savior come to earth living as a human-- is about the difficulty of being a savior, or a profit, or anything like that, amongst us humans.
下一篇——关于一个救世主以人类的身份来到地球——是关于在我们人类中成为一个救世主，或者利润，或者类似的事情的困难。
It's from Heather O'Neill.
这是希瑟·奥尼尔发来的。
Jesus and I were pretty good friends.
耶稣和我是很好的朋友。
And after he disappeared from our neighborhood and all those TV reporters started showing up on our street, I was a pretty hot property.
当他从我们的社区消失之后，所有的电视记者开始出现在我们的街道上，我成了一个非常热门的人物。
My mom would freak out and call them vultures when they tried to ask me questions.
当他们试图问我问题时，我妈妈会吓坏了，称他们为秃鹫。
But I'd try and chill her out.
但我会尝试让她冷静下来。
"Be cool," I'd say.
“冷静点，”我会说。
And it wasn't just that I liked being on TV, I truly liked talking about Jesus.
我不仅喜欢上电视，而且真的很喜欢谈论耶稣。
I still do.
我仍然这样做。
And to this day, people are always asking me to tell them everything I know about him.
直到今天，人们总是要求我告诉他们我所知道的关于他的一切。
Jesus and I were in grade six when we first met.
当我们第一次见面时，耶稣和我都在六年级。
And back then, not everyone was allowed to hang out with me.
那时，并不是每个人都被允许和我一起出去玩。
A part of the reason was the way I dressed.
部分原因是我的穿着方式。
I was the only girl in class who had a pair of high heels.
我是班里唯一一个穿高跟鞋的女孩。
And for my birthday, my mother bought me a ton of black bracelets with studs on them.
为了庆祝我的生日，我妈妈给我买了很多带有饰钉的黑色手镯。
Other people's parents said I looked like a whore and they didn't want their kids to get my whore cooties or something.
其他人的父母说我看起来像个妓女，他们不想让他们的孩子沾染我的妓女虱子之类的东西。
But my attitude has always been just to be who you got to be.
但我的态度始终是成为你必须成为的人。
A part of this way of thinking comes from me.
这种思维方式有一部分来自于我。
But a good part of it also comes from the stuff that Jesus taught me.
但其中很大一部分也来自耶稣教给我的东西。
But more on that later.
但稍后会详细介绍。
Jesus first showed up in the middle of the school year and sat in the back of the class.
耶稣第一次出现是在学年中期，他坐在班级的最后面。
On that first day, when our chemistry teacher put on this movie about molecules, Jesus held up his hands in front of the projector and made a shadow puppet of a dove.
第一天，当我们的化学老师放这部关于分子的电影时，耶稣在放映机前举起双手，做了一个鸽子的皮影。
That's how I first noticed him.
我就是这样第一次注意到他的。
It was about a week later when everybody started to notice Jesus.
大约一周后，每个人都开始注意到耶稣。
In moral ed., we had to give a presentation on a social concern.
在道德教育中，我们必须就社会问题进行演讲。
And Jesus did his on world hunger.
耶稣对世界饥饿做了他的事。
He went up to the front of the classroom without a loose leaf paper or anything and started going on about how there wasn't such a thing as world hunger, which as well as being a downright weird thing to say was also factually incorrect.
他没有带活页纸或任何东西就走到教室前面，开始讲述世界上没有饥饿这样的事情，这不仅是一个彻头彻尾的奇怪说法，而且实际上也是不正确的。
We'd all seen pictures of Ethiopia on the news.
我们都在新闻中看过埃塞俄比亚的照片。
And those poor kids were definitely hungry.
那些可怜的孩子肯定很饿。
Jesus said that if God fed the sparrows and butterflies, then he would also feed humans.
耶稣说，如果上帝喂饱了麻雀和蝴蝶，那么他也会喂饱人类。
The teacher pointed out that a lot of animals had gone extinct because the environment hadn't provided for them.
老师指出，很多动物已经灭绝了，因为环境没有给它们提供生存条件。
But Jesus shrugged and went back to his seat.
但耶稣耸耸肩，回到座位上。
So we just figured he was really stupid.
所以我们觉得他真的很蠢。
Since Jesus and I lived on the same block, we'd walk home from school together.
由于耶稣和我住在同一个街区，所以我们会一起从学校步行回家。
One day on our way home he invited me over to his house to play with his Ouija Board.
有一天，在我们回家的路上，他邀请我去他家玩他的显灵板。
As we walked to his house, Jesus told me that his father didn't really love his mother.
当我们走向他家时，耶稣告诉我，他的父亲并不真正爱他的母亲。
He didn't believe that Jesus was his child.
他不相信耶稣是他的孩子。
He told me that while swinging his lunch pail.
他一边晃动午餐桶一边告诉我。
He told me that the same way you'd tell someone that you liked apples.
他告诉我，就像你告诉别人你喜欢苹果一样。
When someone tells you something like that-- all casual-- it sort of takes the pressure off.
当有人告诉你类似的事情时——完全是随意的——这会减轻你的压力。
You don't have to start rocking them in your arms and stuff.
你不必开始把它们抱在怀里摇晃之类的。
I appreciated Jesus for going easy on me like that, since we've all got our own troubles.
我很感激耶稣对我如此宽容，因为我们都有自己的麻烦。
His family lived in a building that had a huge billboard advertising beer on the roof.
他的家人住在一栋大楼里，屋顶上有一个巨大的啤酒广告牌。
And there were dogs walking around in the stairwell like they owned the joint.
还有狗在楼梯间走来走去，就像他们是这家酒吧的主人一样。
We went into his room, closed off all the lights, and set up the Ouija Board.
我们走进他的房间，关掉所有的灯，并设置显灵板。
As soon as we touched the marker, it started zipping around like a cockroach high on roach poison.
我们一碰记号笔，它就开始像一只喝了蟑螂毒药的蟑螂一样到处乱窜。
I'd never seen such a thing before.
我以前从未见过这样的事情。
Jesus and I took our fingers off the marker, but it kept sliding around just the same.
耶稣和我把手指从记号笔上拿开，但它仍然继续滑动。
It spelled out, "I am with you Jesus."
上面写着：“耶稣，我与你同在。”
Jesus and I screamed our heads off.
耶稣和我尖叫得头破血流。
We jumped off the couch and ran right into the apartment hallway.
我们从沙发上跳下来，径直跑进公寓走廊。
Under the stairwell, I let Jesus put his hand against my T-shirt to see how hard my heart was beating.
在楼梯间下，我让耶稣把手放在我的T恤上，看看我的心跳得有多厉害。
Jesus continued to get into trouble for ridiculous things at school like photocopying his head in a copier in the school library and giving himself a haircut in art class.
耶稣在学校继续因为一些荒谬的事情而惹上麻烦，比如用学校图书馆的复印机复印自己的头像，以及在艺术课上给自己理发。
He wore his ski mask one day-- even though it was April already-- and impersonated Gollum's voice underneath it.
有一天，他戴着滑雪面具——尽管已经是四月了——并在面具下模仿咕噜的声音。
I told my mom about it and she said he might be schizophrenic.
我告诉我妈妈这件事，她说他可能患有精神分裂症。
But she changed her mind about him when she met him.
但当她遇见他后，她对他的看法改变了。
One really warm spring day, Jesus showed up at my apartment.
在一个非常温暖的春日，耶稣出现在我的公寓。
I never invited people over.
我从来没有邀请过人过来。
So I was a little put off having Jesus in our house.
所以我有点推迟让耶稣来我们家。
Once I had Georgie over and he said he found our apartment depressing.
有一次我请乔吉过来，他说他发现我们的公寓很压抑。
"I like your place," Jesus said, leaning against my bedroom window pane, "You have a great view from here, right out onto the record store.
“我喜欢你的地方，”耶稣靠在我卧室的窗玻璃上说，“从这里可以看到很棒的景色，就在唱片店外面。
It probably helps you dream of music.
它可能会帮助您实现音乐梦想。
We have the best neighborhood."
我们有最好的社区。”
"Wouldn't you rather we lived in Westmount?" I asked.
“你不愿意我们住在西山吗？”我问。
Westmount was the fanciest neighborhood in the city.
韦斯特蒙特是城里最高档的街区。
And my mother was always going on about how-- if she won the Lucky Seven-- she'd set fire to the building and move us there in a smoke cloud of glory.
我母亲总是念叨着——如果她赢得了“幸运七”——她会放火烧毁这座大楼，然后把我们带进荣耀的烟雾中。
"Being rich is stupid," he said.
“富有是愚蠢的，”他说。
"It's way better to have less.
“少一点比较好。
It makes you cooler.
它让你更酷。
No one from a rich background can ever really be cool." He said all of this just the way he dropped the news about his dad, very matter of fact.
没有一个出身富裕的人能够真正变得很酷。”他说这一切的方式就像他透露有关他父亲的消息一样，非常实事求是。
Maybe that was why I bought it.
也许这就是我买它的原因。
It seemed to just make sense, like he was saying something that I had already thought of myself, but I'd never actually gotten around to putting into complete sentences.
这似乎很有道理，就像他说的话我自己已经想到了，但我从来没有真正抽出时间来表达完整的句子。
Jesus' words made me feel like, no matter how much there was something deep down wrong with you, there really wasn't anything wrong with you at all.
耶稣的话让我觉得，无论你内心深处有多少问题，你其实都没有任何问题。
Jesus liked absolutely everybody in our school in a way that I'd never seen before or since.
耶稣绝对喜欢我们学校的每个人，这是我以前或之后从未见过的。
I learned this one day at lunch time.
有一天，我在午餐时间了解到了这一点。
It was sunny and beautiful out so we went to sit on the picnic tables that were at the end of the school yard.
外面阳光明媚，景色美丽，所以我们去坐在校园尽头的野餐桌上。
"Uh, we'd better turn right back," I said, "Look who's at the table." It was Sam, a boy no one talked to.
“呃，我们最好右转回去，”我说，“看看桌子上有谁。”那是萨姆，一个没人说话的男孩。
He lived across the street from the school, so his mother assumed she didn't have to get dressed when she came over.
他住在学校的街对面，所以他妈妈以为她过来时不需要穿衣服。
She'd show up with his lunch in her housecoat and slippers.
她会穿着家居服和拖鞋，带着他的午餐出现。
His dad had a beard that came down to his chest.
他父亲的胡子一直垂到胸前。
And he walked down the street looking straight ahead of him, never using his neck.
他沿着街道行走，直视前方，从不使用脖子。
And once at the grocery store, I'd seen them using a sock as a wallet.
有一次在杂货店，我看到他们用袜子当钱包。
"I think he's all right," Jesus said.
“我认为他很好，”耶稣说。
"He reminds me of Willy Wonka."
“他让我想起了威利·旺卡。”
"I saw him trying to burn the bottom of his shoes with a lighter," I said.
“我看到他试图用打火机烧鞋底，”我说。
There was no stopping Jesus.
没有人能阻止耶稣。
So we walked over towards him.
于是我们就朝他走过去。
Sam looked at us both, expecting us to tell him to get lost.
萨姆看着我们俩，期待我们叫他滚开。
"Can we sit with you?" Jesus asked, sitting down.
“我们可以和你坐在一起吗？”耶稣坐下来问道。
"Do you like the White Stripes?" I asked, to make conversation.
“你喜欢白条纹吗？”我问，要进行交谈。
"When they're in the middle of the street I guess I do," he said nervously, not knowing what the hell I was getting at, as though this was a setup to a joke that would end with me brushing liquid paper across his face.
“当他们在马路中间时，我想我会的，”他紧张地说，不知道我到底在说什么，仿佛这是一个笑话，最后我将液体纸擦在他脸上。
I spent the lunch looking at my feet, not really knowing what one should say to the insane.
整个午餐时间我都在看着自己的脚，真的不知道该对疯子说什么。
Jesus just smiled, peacefully chewing his peanut butter sandwich.
耶稣只是微笑着，平静地咀嚼着他的花生酱三明治。
"Did you ever go to a fair last year?" Sam said suddenly.
“去年你去过展会吗？”萨姆突然说道。
"They have these fancy horses with hair that goes down to their feet." He took a photograph out of his pocket of the skinniest, prettiest white horse I'd ever seen.
“他们有这些漂亮的马，它们的毛一直垂到脚上。”他从口袋里掏出一张我见过的最瘦、最漂亮的白马的照片。
It was more beautiful than a unicorn.
它比独角兽还要美丽。
What could I say?
我能说什么？
The world was filled with mysteries.
世界充满了谜团。
Then our teacher, Mrs. Dumont, went on maternity leave.
然后我们的老师杜蒙夫人休了产假。
And we got stuck with Mrs. Allison.
我们被艾莉森夫人困住了。
On the first day, she told the class that this boy, Quincy, hadn't paid his lunch fees yet.
第一天，她告诉全班同学，这个叫昆西的男孩还没有付午餐费。
She said the only way you could be excused from lunch fees was if your father didn't work.
她说，唯一可以免除午餐费的方法是，如果你的父亲不工作。
She asked if this was the case and Quincy just shifted in his seat.
她问情况是否如此，昆西只是在座位上移动了一下。
She told him to bring in a note the next day from his dad explaining that he didn't have a job.
她让他第二天带一张他父亲的便条，解释他没有工作。
Every day for the rest of the week she would ask Quincy where the note was.
这周剩下的时间里，她每天都会问昆西那张纸条在哪里。
Another thing Mrs. Allison had a problem with was the way Jesus fluttered from desk to desk, helping the weaker kids with their long division.
艾莉森夫人遇到的另一件事是耶稣从一张桌子飞到另一张桌子，帮助较弱的孩子完成长除法的方式。
Mrs. Dumont used to look the other way with this.
杜蒙夫人过去常常对此视而不见。
But Mrs. Allison said that, as well as being disruptive, it wasn't giving her an accurate sense of who the class knuckleheads were.
但艾莉森夫人说，这不仅具有破坏性，而且并没有让她准确地了解谁是班上的傻瓜。
"Where's your lunch?" asked Jesus.
“你的午餐在哪里？”耶稣问道。
I was sitting in the cafeteria with my head down on the table.
我坐在自助餐厅里，低着桌子。
"Mrs. Allison," I said.
“艾莉森夫人，”我说。
"She tossed it." I explained how she saw me eating a mock chicken sandwich and how she held it up for everyone to see.
“她把它扔了。”我解释了她如何看到我在吃素鸡肉三明治，以及她如何举起它让每个人看到。
I explained how she picked it up with the tips of her fingers, like it was a dirty sweat sock, and said she was going to send me home with one of those nutrition wheels to give my mother so she could know better.
我解释了她是如何用指尖捡起它的，就像它是一只脏汗袜一样，并说她要送我回家，并把其中一个营养轮送给我妈妈，这样她就可以更好地了解情况。
Jesus stormed off.
耶稣怒气冲冲地走了。
I followed him down the hallway.
我跟着他穿过走廊。
He kicked open the door to the teachers' lounge and walked right in.
他踢开教师休息室的门，直接走了进去。
A terrible whiff of stale cigarette smoke hit me.
一股可怕的陈旧香烟味向我袭来。
It was the first time that anyone had ever stood up for me.
这是第一次有人站出来支持我。
It was terrifying and wonderful at the same time.
这既令人恐惧又美妙。
It made me feel like I'd found a $100 bill and was being chased by a rabid dog all at once.
这让我感觉就像我发现了一张 100 美元的钞票，然后立刻被一只疯狗追赶。
All the kids in the hall got hysterical when they saw that Jesus had just walked into the teachers' lounge.
当大厅里所有的孩子看到耶稣刚刚走进教师休息室时，他们都歇斯底里了。
It was magically off limits.
这是神奇的禁区。
They all started banging on their lockers and calling out for joy, like the power had just gone off.
他们都开始敲打自己的储物柜，欢呼雀跃，就像停电了一样。
But this was even better than that.
但这比那更好。
It was as if the whole building was coming down.
就好像整栋大楼都要倒塌了。
There are all kinds of stories about what Jesus had said to Mrs. Allison in the teachers' lounge that day.
关于耶稣那天在教师休息室对艾莉森夫人所说的话，有各种各样的故事。
In my mind, I imagined her crumpling to her knees as he made her realize everything bad she'd ever done to me.
在我的脑海里，我想象着当他让她意识到她对我做过的一切坏事时，她跪倒在地。
Jesus was suspended from school for a week.
耶稣被学校停课一周。
In class, Mrs. Allison said Jesus wasn't the big shot we all thought.
在课堂上，艾利森夫人说耶稣并不是我们想象中的大人物。
The principal agreed with her that he was a troublemaker and that he was messing with everyone's heads.
校长同意她的观点，认为他是个麻烦制造者，他扰乱了每个人的头脑。
His father wouldn't let him stay at home alone during the day.
他父亲不让他白天一个人呆在家里。
He said he didn't want Jesus messing up the house.
他说他不想让耶稣把房子弄乱。
So Jesus rode the bus back and forth and hung around downtown.
于是耶稣就坐公共汽车来来回回，在市中心闲逛。
I heard how he hung out in the pool hall and the older teenagers would hoist him onto the table and he would just talk.
我听说他在台球厅闲逛，年纪较大的青少年会把他举到桌子上，他就会说话。
They said he was funnier than Robin Williams.
他们说他比罗宾·威廉姆斯更有趣。
But if I knew Jesus, he was just telling it like it was.
但如果我认识耶稣，他只是按原样讲述而已。
Then on the third day of his suspension, Jesus never came home.
然后，在被停职的第三天，耶稣再也没有回家。
The story went that he was abducted.
据说他被绑架了。
But nobody could really say for sure.
但没有人能真正肯定地说。
The thing is, he would have been really easy to kidnap.
问题是，他很容易被绑架。
Jesus trusted everyone.
耶稣信任每个人。
There are pictures of Jesus plastered to every telephone pole in the city, and practically the whole school had to be treated for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.
城里的每根电线杆上都贴着耶稣的照片，几乎整个学校都必须接受创伤后应激障碍治疗。
Sam said he saw Jesus in the park a little while after he vanished, picking up litter.
山姆说，耶稣消失后不久，他在公园里看到他正在捡垃圾。
But you couldn't believe what Sam said.
但你无法相信萨姆说的话。
He'd become totally obsessed with Jesus after the disappearance.
耶稣失踪后，他对耶稣完全着迷了。
Every composition he wrote in class was about him.
他在课堂上写的每一篇作文都是关于他的。
The teacher said it was just his way of coping with the stress.
老师说这只是他应对压力的方式。
I guess I was dealing with some serious stress of my own, because one day in art class, when the teacher told me that little girls who wore black tank tops didn't get into college, I looked right back at him and said, "What makes you so perfect?
我想我自己也面临着一些严重的压力，因为有一天在美术课上，当老师告诉我穿黑色背心的小女孩不能上大学时，我回头看着他说：“是什么让你如此完美？
You've done too many lousy things yourself to be judging children." And the teacher got all red in the face because he knew it was the truth.
你自己做的坏事太多了，不该去评判孩子。”老师的脸涨得通红，因为他知道这是事实。
"Stick to your teaching from now on," said someone from the back of the class.
“从现在开始，坚持你的教导。”教室后面有人说道。
And we all nodded and muttered our consent.
我们都点点头，低声表示同意。
I knew that Jesus would have loved that.
我知道耶稣会喜欢这样的。
These were the kinds of things that he would say.
这些就是他会说的话。
And it felt good to say them.
说出这些话感觉很好。
Heather O'Neill has a new book coming out from HarperCollins called Lullabies for Little Criminals .
希瑟·奥尼尔（Heather O'Neill）有一本由哈珀柯林斯出版社出版的新书，名为《小罪犯的摇篮曲》。
[MUSIC- "SILVER BELLS" BY MARAH]
[音乐-“银铃”，作者：MARAH]
You're listening to a This American Life Christmas Spectacular.
您正在收听《This American Life》圣诞盛典。
And of course, the classic Christmas stories are like little Christmas fables.
当然，经典的圣诞故事就像圣诞小寓言。
And with our next, brand new story to save Christmas we have David Sedaris.
大卫·塞达里斯将为我们讲述下一个拯救圣诞节的全新故事。
The cow was notoriously cheap.
这头牛的价格是出了名的便宜。
So it surprised everyone when she voted, yes, for the secret santa program.
因此，当她投票赞成秘密圣诞老人计划时，每个人都感到惊讶。
It was the horse's suggestion and she backed it immediately saying, "I choose the turkey."
这是马的建议，她立即表示支持：“我选择火鸡。”
"That's not exactly the way it works," the pig explained.
“这不完全是这样的，”猪解释道。
"It's secret, see?
“这是秘密，明白吗？
So we each draw a name and keep it to ourselves until Christmas morning."
所以我们每个人都画了一个名字，直到圣诞节早上才保密。”
"Why do you have to be like that?" the cow asked.
“你为什么一定要这样？”牛问道。
And the duck sighed, "Here we go."
鸭子叹了口气：“我们走吧。”
"First you ask me to give someone a Christmas present," the cow continued, "And then you tell me it has to be done your way.
“首先你让我送某人一份圣诞礼物，”牛继续说道，“然后你告诉我这必须按照你的方式去做。
Like, oh, I have four legs so I'm better than everyone else."
就像，哦，我有四条腿，所以我比其他人都好。”
"Don't you have four legs?" the pig asked.
“你不是有四条腿吗？”猪问道。
"All right, just because you have a curly tail," the cow said.
“好吧，就因为你有一条卷曲的尾巴。”牛说。
The pig tried looking behind him.
猪试着朝他身后看去。
But all he could see were his sides.
但他只能看到他的侧面。
"Is it curly, curly?" he asked the rooster, "Or curly, kinky?"
“是卷毛吗，卷毛吗？”他问公鸡：“还是卷毛的、变态的？”
"The point is that I'm a little tired of being pushed around," the cow said.
“关键是我有点厌倦了被人摆布，”牛说。
"I think a lot of us are." This was her all over.
“我想我们很多人都是这样。”这就是她的全部。
So rather than spending the next week listening to her complain, it was decided that the cow would give to the turkey and that everyone else would keep their name a secret.
因此，他们没有在接下来的一周里听她抱怨，而是决定把牛给火鸡，而其他人都保守自己的名字。
There were, of course, no shops in the barnyard, which was a shame as all of the animals had money-- coins mainly, dropped by the farmer and his children as they went about their chores.
当然，谷仓里没有商店，这很遗憾，因为所有的动物都有钱——主要是硬币，是农民和他的孩子们在做家务时掉落的。
The cow once had close to $3 and gave it to a calf the farmer planned on taking into town.
这头牛曾经有近 3 美元，并把它送给了农民计划带进城的一头小牛。
"I want you to buy me a knapsack," she told him, "Just like the one that the farmer's daughter has, only bigger and blue instead of green.
“我想让你给我买一个背包，”她告诉他，“就像农夫女儿的那个一样，只是更大，而且是蓝色的，而不是绿色的。
Can you remember that?" The calf had tucked the money into his cheek before being led out of the barn.
你还记得吗？”小牛在被牵出谷仓之前，把钱塞到了脸颊上。
"And wouldn't you know it," the cow later complained, "Isn't it just my luck that he never came back?"
“你难道不知道吗？”牛后来抱怨道，“他再也没有回来，这难道不是我的运气吗？”
She'd spent the first few days of his absence in a constant, almost giddy, state of anticipation.
他不在的头几天，她始终处于一种几乎头晕目眩的期待之中。
Watching the barn door, listening for the sound of the truck, waiting for that knapsack, something that would belong only to her.
看着谷仓的门，听着卡车的声音，等待着那个背包，一个只属于她的东西。
When it no longer made sense to hope, she turned to self pity then rage.
当希望不再有意义时，她开始自怜，然后愤怒。
The calf had taken advantage of her, had spent her precious money on a bus ticket and boarded thinking, so long, sucker.
小牛利用了她，花掉了她宝贵的钱买了一张公交车票，然后就上了车，心想，再见了，傻瓜。
It was a consolation then to overhear the farmer talking to his wife and learn that taking an animal into town was a euphemism for hitting him in the head with an electric hammer.
当时，无意中听到农夫与妻子交谈，得知将动物带进城只是用电锤敲打他的头部的委婉说法，这让他感到很安慰。
So long, sucker.
再见，笨蛋。
Milking put the cow in close proximity to humans, much closer than any of the other animals.
挤奶使奶牛与人类的距离变得非常接近，比任何其他动物都要近得多。
And she learned a lot by keeping her ears open-- local gossip, the rising cost of fuel oil, and countless little things, the menu for Christmas dinner, for instance.
通过倾听，她学到了很多东西——当地的八卦、不断上涨的燃油成本，以及无数的小事，例如圣诞晚餐的菜单。
The family had spent Thanksgiving visiting the farmer's mother in her retirement home and had eaten what tasted like potato chips soaked in chicken fat.
这家人在感恩节期间去退休之家探望了农民的母亲，并吃了味道像浸泡在鸡油中的薯片的东西。
Now they were going to make up for it.
现在他们要弥补这一点。
"Big time," the farmer's wife said.
“太棒了，”农夫的妻子说。
And with all the trimmings.
以及所有的装饰。
The turkey didn't know that he would be killed on Christmas Eve.
火鸡不知道自己会在平安夜被杀死。
No one did, except for the cow.
除了牛之外，没有人这么做。
That's why she'd specifically chosen his name for the secret Santa program.
这就是为什么她专门为秘密圣诞老人计划选择了他的名字。
It got her off the hook and made it more fun to watch his pointless, fidgety enthusiasm.
这让她摆脱了困境，也让观看他毫无意义、烦躁的热情变得更有趣。
"You'll never in a million years guess what I got you," she said to him a day after the names were drawn.
“一百万年你都猜不到我给你带来了什么，”在抽出名字的第二天，她对他说。
"Is it a bath mat?" the turkey asked.
“这是浴垫吗？”火鸡问道。
He'd seen one hanging on the clothesline and was obsessed with it for some reason.
他看到晾衣绳上挂着一个，并且出于某种原因对它着迷。
"It's a towel for the floor," he kept telling everyone.
“这是一条地板毛巾，”他不断地告诉大家。
"I mean really, isn't that just the greatest idea you ever heard in your life?"
“我的意思是，真的，这难道不是你一生中听过的最伟大的想法吗？”
"Oh, this is a lot better than a bath mat," the cow said, chuckling as the turkey sputtered, "No way," and "What could possibly be better than a bath mat?"
“哦，这比浴垫好多了，”牛笑着说道，而火鸡则语无伦次地说，“不可能，”还有什么比浴垫更好的呢？
"You'll seek come Christmas morning," she told him.
“圣诞节早上你会寻求的，”她告诉他。
Most of the animals were giving food as their secret Santa gift.
大多数动物都将食物作为他们的秘密圣诞老人礼物。
No one came out and actually said it, but the cow had noticed them setting a little aside.
没有人真正站出来说出这句话，但牛注意到他们稍微搁置了一点。
Not just scraps, but the best parts-- oats from the horse, thick crusts of bread from the pig.
不仅仅是残渣，还有最好的部分——马燕麦、猪厚面包皮。
Even the rooster-- who was the biggest glutton of all-- had managed to sacrifice and had stockpiled a fistful of grain behind an empty gas can in the far corner of the barn.
就连那只贪吃的公鸡也设法牺牲了，并在谷仓远处角落的一个空煤气罐后面储存了一把谷物。
He and the others were surely hungry, yet none of them complained about it.
他和其他人肯定都饿了，但没有人抱怨。
And this bothered the cow more than anything.
这最让奶牛烦恼。
How could they be so corny?
他们怎么可以这么老土？
She looked at the pig who sat smiling in his pen and then at the turkey who'd hung a sprig of mistletoe from the end of his waddle and was waltzing across the floor saying, "Any takers?" Even to other guys.
她看看坐在猪圈里微笑的猪，又看看摇摇晃晃地末端挂着一枝槲寄生、在地板上跳着华尔兹的火鸡，说道：“有人接受吗？”甚至对其他男人也是如此。
It was his cheerfulness that irritated her the most.
最让她恼火的是他的开朗。
And so, on the morning of Christmas Eve she pulled him aside for a little talk about the future.
于是，在平安夜的早上，她把他拉到一边，和他聊了聊未来。
"The farmer will be cutting your head off at around noon," she said.
“中午左右，农民会砍下你的头，”她说。
"His son wanted him to use a chainsaw, but he's a traditionalist so we'll probably be sticking with the axe." The turkey laughed, thinking it was a joke.
“他的儿子希望他使用电锯，但他是一个传统主义者，所以我们可能会坚持使用斧头。”火鸡笑了，以为这是个玩笑。
But then he saw the pleasure in the cow's face and knew that she was telling the truth.
但随后他看到牛脸上的喜悦，知道她说的是实话。
"How long have you known?" he asked.
“你知道多久了？”他问道。
"A few weeks," the cow told him.
“几个星期，”牛告诉他。
"I meant to tell you earlier, but what with all the excitement, I guess I forgot."
“我本来想早点告诉你的，但由于太兴奋，我想我忘了。”
"Kill me and eat me?" The cow nodded.
“杀了我，吃掉我？”牛点点头。
The turkey removed the mistletoe from the end of his waddle.
火鸡把槲寄生从他的摇摇晃晃的末端取下来。
"Well, golly," he said, "Don't I feel stupid?"
“好吧，天哪，”他说，“我不觉得自己很蠢吗？”
Not wanting to spoil anyone's Christmas, the turkey announced that he would be spending the holiday with relatives, "The wild side of the family," he said, "Just flew in last night from Kentucky."
为了不想破坏任何人的圣诞节，火鸡宣布他将与亲戚一起度过假期，“家庭狂野的一面，”他说，“昨晚刚从肯塔基州飞来。”
When noon arrived and the farmer showed up, he followed him out of the barn without complaint saying, "So long everyone," and "See you in a few days." They all waved goodbye except for the cow, who lowered her head toward her empty trough.
到了中午，农夫出现了，他毫无怨言地跟着农夫走出谷仓，说道：“再见了，大家”和“几天后见”。他们都挥手告别，除了那头牛，它向空空的食槽低下头。
She was just thinking that a little extra food might be nice when a horrible thought occurred to her.
她正想着多吃一点可能会好一点，这时她突然想到了一个可怕的想法。
The rooster was standing in the doorway and she almost trampled him on her way outside shouting, "Wait, come back.
公鸡站在门口，她出门时差点踩到公鸡，喊道：“等等，回来吧。
Whose name did you draw?"
你画的是谁的名字？”
"I said, whose name did you get?
“我说，你叫谁的名字？
Who's supposed to receive your secret Santa present?"
谁应该收到你的秘密圣诞老人礼物？”
"You'll see," the turkey said, his voice a little song that hung in the air long after he disappeared.
“你会看到的，”火鸡说道，他的声音就像一首小曲，在他消失很久之后仍然悬在空中。
David Sedaris.
大卫·塞达里斯。
He has a collection of Christmas stories called Holiday s on Ice .
他有一本圣诞故事集，名为《冰上假期》。
His most recent book is Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim .
他的最新著作是《用灯芯绒和牛仔布装扮你的家人》。
Of course, no Christmas extravaganza could be complete without a new Christmas carol.
当然，如果没有一首新的圣诞颂歌，圣诞盛宴就不完整。
And we have one from writer Sarah Vowell, author of two books of historical essays-- the most recent, Assassination Vacation .
我们还有作家莎拉·沃威尔 (Sarah Vowell) 写的一篇文章，她是两本历史散文集的作者，最新的一本是《刺杀假期》。
And this song is not just about Christmas, it's also about patriotism and supporting our troops, our troops in the Revolutionary War that is.
这首歌不仅仅是关于圣诞节，它也是关于爱国主义和支持我们的军队，即我们在革命战争中的军队。
These ones were not far from Philadelphia and-- incredible as it may seem-- there was a time when we would send American soldiers into battle without proper equipment and supplies.
这些地点距离费城不远，而且——尽管看起来令人难以置信——曾经有一段时间，我们在没有适当装备和补给的情况下派遣美国士兵参战。
The band Marah composed and performed the music.
玛拉乐队创作并演奏了音乐。
Sarah did the lyrics.
莎拉创作了歌词。
[MUSIC-"CHRISTMAS AT VALLEY FORGE" BY MARAH]
[音乐-“福吉谷的圣诞节”，作者：MARAH]
[SINGING] If you cracked your teeth on fruitcake and Santa did you wrong, listen up, kids, you'll forget your crummy little Christmas after you hear this song.
[唱歌]如果你在水果蛋糕上咬破了牙齿，而圣诞老人做错了你，听着，孩子们，听完这首歌后，你会忘记你糟糕的小圣诞节。
General, General General George.
将军，乔治将军。
Valley, Valley, Valley Forge.
山谷，山谷，福吉谷。
'Twas 1777 and the general's name was George.
那是 1777 年，将军的名字叫乔治。
His shoeless, shirtless army starved and froze at Valley Forge.
他的军队光着脚、赤着上身，在福吉谷挨饿受冻。
Barefoot marched through the winter woods with the snow like candy canes, but the red and white tracks weren't peppermint sticks, they were blood stains.
赤脚在冬日的树林里行进，积雪像拐杖糖一样，但红白的脚印不是薄荷棒，而是血迹。
George Washington and the Marquis de Lafayette crooned a "Baby It's Cold Outside," duet.
乔治·华盛顿和拉斐特侯爵低吟了一首二重唱《宝贝，外面很冷》。
"You're hands are like ice," sang the Marquis to George.
“你的手就像冰一样，”侯爵对乔治唱道。
That was Christmas at Valley Forge.
那是福吉谷的圣诞节。
You can't deck the halls when you have no halls.
当你没有大厅时，你就无法装饰大厅。
It's a real blue Christmas when your lips turn blue.
当你的嘴唇变成蓝色时，这就是真正的蓝色圣诞节。
The yanks were spared from red coat attack, but alas, not from the flu.
猛男们幸免于红大衣的袭击，但可惜的是，他们却未能幸免于流感。
And dysentary too.
又痢疾也。
Well, they didn't have blankets and they slept in tents, and it's not a merry Christmas if you long for Lent.
好吧，他们没有毯子，睡在帐篷里，如果你渴望四旬斋，那这不是一个快乐的圣诞节。
Alone in the woods, Washington prayed, "Lord, for heaven sakes, make us free, make us warm, make us Philly cheesesteaks."
华盛顿独自在树林里祈祷：“主啊，看在上帝的份上，让我们自由，让我们温暖，让我们成为费城奶酪牛排。”
So if Yuletide fills you with jitters and fear, just recall the brave men in that terrible year.
因此，如果圣诞节让您感到紧张和恐惧，请回想一下在那可怕的一年里勇敢的人们。
They started out a country, defeated the Brits, and Christmas has been so much better, better ever since.
他们建立了一个国家，击败了英国人，从那以后圣诞节变得越来越美好。
George Washington and the Marquis de Lafayette crooned a "Baby It's Cold Outside," duet.
乔治·华盛顿和拉斐特侯爵低吟了一首二重唱《宝贝，外面很冷》。
"Your hands are like ice," sang the Marquis to George.
“你的手就像冰一样，”侯爵对乔治唱道。
That was Christmas-- that was Christmas-- that was Christmas at Valley Forge.
那是圣诞节——那是圣诞节——那是福吉谷的圣诞节。
Marah, performing a song with lyrics by Sarah Vowell.
玛拉（Marah）表演一首莎拉·沃威尔（Sarah Vowell）作词的歌曲。
Marah has an album of Christmas songs that does not include this song, but includes all of the other songs you're hearing this hour and many more, called Christmas Kind of Town .
玛拉（Marah）有一张圣诞歌曲专辑，其中不包括这首歌，但包括您这一小时听到的所有其他歌曲以及更多歌曲，名为“Christmas Kind of Town”。
And this brings us to our very last story in our Christmas Spectacular-- the inevitable story that we all know so well-- this time retold by Jonathan Goldstein.
这给我们带来了圣诞奇观中的最后一个故事——我们都非常熟悉的不可避免的故事——这次由乔纳森·戈德斯坦重述。
The thing with pregnant women is that they glow.
孕妇的特点是她们容光焕发。
I know you've heard this, how they walk around like uranium Buddhas, spreading joy and light.
我知道你听说过，他们如何像铀佛一样走来走去，传播欢乐和光明。
But the way my Mary glowed was for real.
但我的玛丽的容光焕发是真实的。
Mary was like the sunrise.
玛丽就像日出。
And when she smiled her kind little smile, you had to literally shield your eyes.
当她露出友善的微笑时，你必须遮住你的眼睛。
Another thing about pregnant women-- or at least it's something I've noticed with Mary-- is that they're supremely confident, like their bellies are puffed-out barrel chests and they're looking for a tussle, but a tussle that will end in bear hugs.
关于孕妇的另一件事——或者至少是我在玛丽身上注意到的——是她们非常自信，就像她们的肚子是鼓起的桶状胸，她们在寻找争斗，但争斗最终会以熊抱结束。
Because not only are they confident, but they're filled with love.
因为他们不仅充满自信，而且充满爱。
Mary sometimes calls me over while I'm sanding a chair or something and just quietly strokes the side of my face.
有时当我正在打磨椅子或其他东西时，玛丽会叫我过来，只是静静地抚摸我的脸庞。
"Of course I'm OK," I say, "I'm the one who should be asking if you're OK." But of course, I know what she's getting at.
“我当然没事，”我说，“我应该问你是否还好。”但当然，我知道她的意思。
"How's the holy baby?" Ezekiel-- my foreman at work-- asks me, like 10 times a day.
“圣婴怎么样了？”以西结——我的工头——每天会问我大约 10 次。
And I have no choice but to bite it.
而我除了咬它之外别无选择。
It's either that or be out of a job.
要么就是这样，要么失业。
Being chosen by the Lord is an honor.
被主选中是一种荣幸。
I'm not saying it's not.
我并不是说不是。
It's flattering to think that your girlfriend is good enough for God.
认为你的女朋友对上帝来说足够好，真是受宠若惊。
But if the guys at work don't act like it's an honor, and none of your friends or family acts like it's an honor, it stops feeling like an honor.
但如果工作中的人不表现得像这是一种荣誉，而且你的朋友或家人也不表现得像这是一种荣誉，那么它就不再是一种荣誉了。
And so you end up just feeling like your everyday, garden variety guy who has been cheated on.
所以你最终会感觉自己就像一个普通的普通人，被欺骗了。
Sure, you've been cheated on with the Lord, but still.
当然，你已经被主欺骗了，但仍然如此。
I should also say that even getting to the point where I believed Mary was an ulcer wrapped in a hernia.
我还应该说，甚至到了我相信玛丽是一个被疝气包裹着的溃疡的地步。
She had never lied to me before.
她以前从来没有对我说过谎。
And I knew her heart like I knew my own.
我了解她的心，就像了解我自己的心一样。
But when she told me this business about being visited by an angel, I had an honest to God conniption.
但当她告诉我天使来访的事时，我对上帝有了一种诚实的预感。
"Is that the best you can come up with?" I asked.
“这是你能想到的最好的办法吗？”我问。
"Don't you have enough respect for me to create something a little less-- I don't know-- completely insane?"
“难道你对我没有足够的尊重，才创造出一些不那么——我不知道——完全疯狂的东西吗？”
She stared through me as though in a dream.
她凝视着我，仿佛在做梦。
My dad used to say that Mary was like a sleepwalker, sleeping while she was eating, while she worked, while you talked to her.
我爸爸常说玛丽就像一个梦游者，一边吃饭一边睡觉，一边工作一边睡觉，一边和她说话。
I went outside to try and cool off.
我到外面去尝试凉快一下。
Sitting on a tree stump, I felt a hand on my shoulder.
我坐在树桩上，感觉到一只手搭在我的肩膀上。
I turned around and there he was, an angel-- the whole bit, wings and everything-- just squatting there.
我转过身，他就在那里，一个天使——整个身体，翅膀和一切——就蹲在那里。
Talk about a lack of stagecraft.
谈论缺乏舞台艺术。
I almost went back to chewing on my knuckle skin and ignoring him entirely.
我差点又开始咀嚼指关节的皮肤，完全无视他。
"Are you the one?" I asked, not looking at him, "With Mary?"
“你是那个人吗？”我没有看他，问道：“和玛丽一起吗？”
"No," he said softly.
“不，”他轻声说。
"I just came here to tell you that what Mary says is the truth."
“我来这里只是想告诉你，玛丽说的是事实。”
"This is a lot to digest," I said.
“这需要消化很多，”我说。
The angel withdrew his hand from my shoulder and left me sitting there outside my house, digesting until morning.
天使把手从我的肩膀上收回来，让我坐在屋外，一直消化到早上。
Even after all that I was still a mess.
即便如此，我仍然一团糟。
"What did the angel look like?" I'd ask every so often.
“天使长什么样？”我会经常问。
"What difference does that make?" she'd say.
“那有什么区别呢？”她会说。
"I just want to know," I'd say.
“我只是想知道，”我会说。
In the early days, I was all about the little details.
在早期，我很注重小细节。
What was he wearing?
他穿什么？
What did he say to you?
他对你说什么了？
Was he a handsome angel?
他是一个英俊的天使吗？
What do you mean there was a blinding flash of heavenly light?
你说有一道令人眼花缭乱的天光闪烁是什么意思？
So it was pretty soon afterwards that I moved on from jealousy to worry.
所以很快我就从嫉妒变成了担心。
Who was I to be raising an angel baby?
我是谁，竟然养育了一个天使宝宝？
What could I teach a baby of any kind?
我能教给任何类型的婴儿什么？
Worry that the baby might not even look like people, that he might be born with wings, or worse, be born with just one wing.
担心婴儿可能看起来不像人，他可能生来就有翅膀，或者更糟糕的是，生下来就只有一只翅膀。
The thought of Mary holding a one-winged baby on her lap was just about enough to make me get all weepy and sick to my stomach.
一想到玛丽腿上抱着一个单翼婴儿，我就忍不住流泪，胃里一阵恶心。
If that son-of-a-bitch Ezekiel made even one little crack about my illegitimate, one-winged baby-- job or no job-- I'd strangle him with my bare hands.
如果那个王八蛋以西结对我的私生子、单翼婴儿哪怕有一丝一毫的攻击——不管有没有工作——我都会徒手掐死他。
Now the very last thing I needed in the midst of all this was to load up the mule and take Mary and myself out of town for a census.
现在，在这一切之中，我最不需要的就是把骡子驮起来，带玛丽和我出城去进行人口普查。
The Romans were obsessed with counting things.
罗马人痴迷于计数。
And so everyone had to pack up and be counted in their city of birth, which for Mary and me was Bethlehem.
因此，每个人都必须收拾行装，并在他们的出生城市进行统计，对玛丽和我来说，就是伯利恒。
What a sight, the two of us hobbling along on a mule.
多么壮观啊，我们两个骑着骡子一瘸一拐地走着。
Did you know that a mule is the offspring of a horse and a donkey?
你知道骡子是马和驴的后代吗？
It's a hybrid like the way a Pegasus is a hybrid, the offspring of a horse and-- I'm guessing-- an eagle.
它是一种混合体，就像飞马座是混合体一样，是马和——我猜——鹰的后代。
Now, can you imagine how that Pegasus' horse's mother's horse husband felt when the eagle first swooped down with roses and sweet talk?
现在，你能想象当老鹰带着玫瑰和甜言蜜语第一次俯冲而下时，飞马的马的马妈妈的马丈夫有什么感受吗？
Do you see what I'm getting at here?
你明白我的意思了吗？
I'm just going to stop myself now.
我现在要阻止自己了。
When we got to Bethlehem, it was like everyone and their Uncle Nimrod was there.
当我们到达伯利恒时，好像每个人和他们的尼姆罗德叔叔都在那里。
Every place in town was booked.
城里的每个地方都被订满了。
But on the edge of the city we found a little dive.
但在城市边缘，我们发现了一个小潜水点。
And it was there-- exhausted after a day of refusals-- that I decided I simply wasn't going to take no for an answer.
正是在那里——经过一天的拒绝之后我筋疲力尽——我决定我不会接受拒绝的答案。
Mary saw how I was getting, the stress vein on my forehead two seconds from bursting.
玛丽看到了我的情况，我额头上的压力静脉即将破裂。
And so she kept telling me how everything was going to be OK.
所以她一直告诉我一切都会好起来的。
But of course, when you're living half in a dream, frolicking with the angels, you can sleep on a mule, on a daisy, on the head of the pin.
当然，当你半活在梦中，与天使嬉戏时，你可以睡在骡子上、雏菊上、针头上。
Me?
我？
I deal with cold, hard reality.
我面对的是冰冷、残酷的现实。
And if I can't even get a lousy bed for us, what kind of a job am I going to do for Mary and the kid?
如果我连一张破烂的床都买不到，那我能为玛丽和孩子做什么呢？
A little bearded man greeted us at the door.
一个留着小胡子的男人在门口迎接我们。
Right off the bat, he raised his hand blocking me.
他立刻举手挡住了我。
"No dice," he said.
“没有骰子，”他说。
"Listen," I said, putting half my body through the door frame.
“听着，”我说着，把半个身子伸进了门框。
"You have to have something.
“你必须有一些东西。
I have a pregnant wife here." He looked over my shoulder at Mary on the mule.
我这里有一个怀孕的妻子。”他越过我的肩膀看着骑骡子的玛丽。
And he took pity on us.
他怜悯我们。
He handed us a blanket and told us that we could say in his stable.
他递给我们一条毯子并告诉我们可以在他的马厩里说。
A stable.
一个稳定的。
The word was like a gob of spit dripping off my eyelashes.
这个词就像一滴口水从我的睫毛上滴下来。
Tears of rage burned my throat.
愤怒的泪水灼伤了我的喉咙。
A stable.
一个稳定的。
I've worked my whole life only to have my wife give birth to an angel-baby in a lousy manger.
我辛苦了一辈子，只是为了让我的妻子在一个糟糕的马槽里生下一个天使宝宝。
Inside the stable, the animals were completely silent-- not asleep, just quiet.
马厩里的动物们完全安静——没有睡着，只是安静。
I don't know if you've ever been in a room full of silent animals, but it's eerie and unnatural.
我不知道你是否曾经待过一个充满沉默动物的房间，但这感觉很怪异、不自然。
I looked at them and they looked back at me.
我看着他们，他们也看着我。
"You know," said Mary in the quiet, "I really feel like things are going to be different somehow, after this baby is born."
“你知道，”玛丽安静地说，“我真的觉得这个孩子出生后，事情会有所不同。”
"That's the way it goes," I said, clumping up some hay for us.
“事情就是这样，”我一边说，一边给我们堆起一些干草。
"My dad used to say that too.
“我爸爸也常这么说。
'After the kids are born' he'd say, 'Nothing is ever the same.'"
“孩子出生后，”他会说，“一切都不再一样了。”
"I just feel," Mary went on, "That this is a very special kid we've got here."
“我只是觉得，”玛丽继续说道，“这是我们这里的一个非常特别的孩子。”
"All mothers feel that way," I said.
“所有的母亲都有这样的感觉，”我说。
"I know." "Looking at you in this stable, I could just punch myself in the face," I said.
“我知道。” “在这个马厩里看着你，我真想打自己的脸。”我说。
Mary reached out and rubbed the side of my face.
玛丽伸出手揉了揉我的脸。
She did it like she always did, like an old man.
她像往常一样，像个老人一样。
Her hand was cold.
她的手很冷。
"I'm just so happy you're here," she whispered.
“我很高兴你在这里，”她低声说道。
"I know." I turned over onto my stomach and Mary started in on the knots in my back.
“我知道。”我翻身趴着，玛丽开始抚摸我背上的疙瘩。
As she rubbed, I complained and told her my worries.
当她摩擦时，我抱怨并告诉她我的担忧。
And as I complained, she laughed.
当我抱怨时，她笑了。
And the sound of Mary's laughter was like angels' wings clapping.
玛丽的笑声就像天使拍打翅膀的声音。
And for the first time in a long time, it felt like things were going to be OK.
很长一段时间以来第一次，感觉事情会好起来的。
In about three minutes, I'd be asleep.
大约三分钟后，我就睡着了。
And sometime after that, Mary would be too, her head resting on my back.
在那之后的某个时候，玛丽也会这么做，她的头靠在我的背上。
The thing with me and Mary is that whenever we fall asleep, somehow, in the middle of the night, we end up holding hands.
我和玛丽的问题是，每当我们入睡时，不知何故，在半夜，我们最终会手牵手。
And that night in the stable, when Mary woke in the darkness with a sudden start, like always, our fingers were entwined.
那天晚上，在马厩里，当玛丽在黑暗中突然醒来时，像往常一样，我们的手指纠缠在一起。
And when Mary squeezed my hand, I sprang into action.
当玛丽握住我的手时，我立即采取了行动。
Jonathan Goldstein is the host of the CBC program WireTap , which we can hear here in the United States on Sirius Satellite Radio, channel 137.
乔纳森·戈尔茨坦 (Jonathan Goldstein) 是 CBC 节目 WireTap 的主持人，我们可以通过美国天狼星卫星广播电台 137 频道收听该节目。
Our Christmas Spectacular was produced by Jane Feltes, Diane Cook, and myself, with Alex Blumberg, Sarah Koenig, Chris Sliden Amy O'Leary, and Lisa Pollak.
我们的圣诞盛会由简·菲尔特斯、黛安·库克和我本人以及亚历克斯·布隆伯格、莎拉·科尼格、克里斯·斯莱登、艾米·奥利里和丽莎·波拉克制作。
Our senior producer is Julie Snyder.
我们的高级制片人是朱莉·斯奈德。
[ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS] You know you can download today's program in our archives at audible.com/thisamericanlife.
[致谢] 您知道您可以在我们的档案库中下载今天的节目：audible.com/thisamericanlife。
This American Life is distributed by Public Radio International.
《美国生活》由国际公共广播电台发行。
[FUNDING CREDITS] WBEZ management oversight for our program by Torey Malatia, who hopes that all of the shows that we've done in 10 years,
[资金来源] WBEZ 管理部门对我们的项目进行了 Torey Malatia 的监督，他希望我们在 10 年内完成的所有节目，
Have made folks forget both the vomit and tears.
让人们忘记了呕吐和眼泪。
I'm Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯。
Back next week for more stories of This American Life.
下周回来观看更多《美国生活》的故事。
This American Life is produced in collaboration with WBEZ Chicago and delivered to stations by PRX The Public Radio Exchange.
《This American Life》与 WBEZ Chicago 合作制作，并由 PRX 公共广播电台传送到各电台。