256: Living Without (2004) - This American Life
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00:00 00:00 Transcript Share This American Life Life Partners How to Listen Episodes Recommended About Overview Staff Announcements Fellowships Jobs Music Make Radio On The Road FAQ Submissions Merch Contact Us Our Other Shows Merch Follow Us Life Partners Subscribe to our newsletter Full episode Toggle Audio and Transcript Sync Transcript | Episode #256 | February 17, 2006 256: Living Without (2004) Note: This American Life is produced for the ear and designed to be heard.
00:00 00:00 文字记录 分享此 美国生活 生活伙伴 如何收听 剧集 推荐 关于 概述 员工公告 奖学金 工作 音乐 在路上制作电台 常见问题解答 提交 商品 联系我们 我们的其他节目 商品 关注我们 生活伙伴 订阅我们的时事通讯 整集 切换音频和文字记录同步 文字记录 | 内容第 256 集 | 2006 年 2 月 17 日 256：没有生活 (2004) 注：《美国生活》是为耳朵而制作的，旨在让人们听到。
If you are able, we strongly encourage you to listen to the audio, which includes emotion and emphasis that's not on the page.
如果可以的话，我们强烈建议您收听音频，其中包括页面上没有的情感和重点。
Transcripts are generated using a combination of speech recognition software and human transcribers, and may contain errors.
文字记录是使用语音识别软件和人工转录员结合生成的，可能包含错误。
Please check the corresponding audio before quoting in print.
请在印刷版引用前检查相应的音频。
Prologue Ira Glass (HOST) IRA GLASS: Recently, I was talking to this guy who told me how years ago, because of a medical condition, he had to give up beer.
序言 Ira Glass（主持人） IRA GLASS：最近，我和一个人聊天，他告诉我几年前，由于身体状况，他不得不放弃啤酒。
He had only been a casual beer drinker before this.
在此之前，他只是偶尔喝点啤酒。
He'd never really given beer much thought.
他从来没有真正考虑过啤酒。
But now that he couldn't have a beer, he was thinking of beer all the time.
但现在喝不到啤酒了，他就一直想着啤酒。
He had a fantasy.
他有一个幻想。
It went like this.
事情是这样的。
He goes into a bar, and he orders a beer.
他走进一家酒吧，点了一杯啤酒。
That was the whole thing.
这就是整个事情的经过。
It's hard giving things up.
放弃一些东西是很难的。
Walter was three, and it was time for him to give up the pacifier.
沃尔特三岁了，是时候放弃奶嘴了。
The pacifier was impairing his speech, and so it was time to give it up.
安抚奶嘴妨碍了他的言语，所以是时候放弃它了。
And his mom and dad weaned him from it slowly.
他的妈妈和爸爸慢慢地让他戒掉了这个习惯。
At first, he could only use the pacifier upstairs, then only upstairs in his room, then only upstairs in his room in the bed, though enforcement on the whole bed thing was actually kind of spotty.
起初，他只能在楼上使用奶嘴，然后只能在楼上自己的房间里使用，然后只能在楼上自己房间的床上使用，尽管整个床上的执行情况实际上有点参差不齐。
Anyway, finally came the big day.
无论如何，重要的一天终于到来了。
Walter announced he was ready to get rid of the pacifier.
沃尔特宣布他准备扔掉奶嘴。
And he threw it into the trash himself.
然后他自己把它扔进了垃圾桶。
And everybody clapped, and everybody hugged him.
每个人都鼓掌，每个人都拥抱他。
And then the drove to a toy store, and they got him some special presents, a toy treehouse, a teddy bear.
然后他们开车去了一家玩具店，他们给他买了一些特别的礼物，一个玩具树屋，一只泰迪熊。
And that first night, when it was time to sleep, Walter was brave.
第一个晚上，到了睡觉的时候，沃尔特很勇敢。
He was stoic.
他很坚忍。
He went right to bed.
他径直上床睡觉了。
And maybe, I don't know, five minutes passed before he was out of the bedroom and downstairs crying.
我不知道，也许五分钟过去了，他就走出卧室，下楼哭了。
"I'm really sad," he said.
“我真的很难过，”他说。
His mom and dad asked him if he wanted to play with his new toys for a while.
他的妈妈和爸爸问他是否想玩他的新玩具一段时间。
And he tried that, and then went back to bed.
他尝试了一下，然后又回到床上。
More sobbing.
更加抽泣。
An hour passes, two hours.
一个小时过去了，两个小时了。
It breaks his parents' hearts.
这伤透了他父母的心。
Frankly, if they still had had the pacifier in the house, they would have caved and given it to him, it was so upsetting.
坦白说，如果他们家里还有奶嘴，他们就会屈服并把它给他，这太令人沮丧了。
But he had thrown into the trash at his grandparents' house.
但他已经扔进了祖父母家的垃圾桶里。
It was gone.
它消失了。
And that night, for the first time in his life, Walter slept in his parents' bed.
那天晚上，沃尔特有生以来第一次睡在父母的床上。
It was the only way that he could actually get to sleep.
这是他真正能够入睡的唯一方法。
The next night was a little easier, next a little easier than that.
第二天晚上容易一点，接下来又比那晚容易一点。
Anyway, after a couple of days, Walter announced the special request that he had for all the grown-ups in his life, grandmas, grandpas, uncles and aunts, the lady next door.
不管怎样，几天后，沃尔特宣布了他对生命中所有成年人的特别要求，包括奶奶、爷爷、叔叔阿姨、邻家女士。
He wanted to hear their stories about when they gave up their pacifiers.
他想听听他们放弃奶嘴的故事。
I told this to a friend of mine who gave up drinking a decade ago, how this little boy, Walter, wanted to hear these stories.
我告诉我的一个十年前戒酒的朋友，这个小男孩沃尔特多么想听这些故事。
And she said, man, that's just like AA.
她说，伙计，这就像 AA 一样。
Though the problem for Walter, of course, was that no adult really remembers giving up their own pacifier.
当然，沃尔特面临的问题是，没有成年人真正记得放弃自己的奶嘴。
It's just too long ago, right?
这只是太久以前的事了，对吧？
So everybody either talked about giving up other stuff that the did remember, like giving up their blankets as little kids.
所以每个人要么谈论放弃他们确实记得的其他东西，比如放弃小时候的毯子。
One auntie offered to talk to him about how she quit smoking, but she was warned off that.
一位阿姨提出要和他谈谈她是如何戒烟的，但她被警告不要这样做。
Or they just made up stories, dramatic stories about giving up their pacifiers to tell Walter.
或者他们只是编造故事，关于放弃奶嘴来告诉沃尔特的戏剧性故事。
It's comforting to hear other people's stories of kicking the habit.
听到其他人戒掉这个习惯的故事是令人欣慰的。
It's just comforting at any age.
无论在什么年龄，这都是令人安慰的。
It makes it feel like it's possible.
这让人感觉这是可能的。
And so, this week we bring you four stories of people giving things up, living without, some of them voluntarily, some not.
因此，本周我们为您带来四个故事，讲述人们放弃某些东西、过着没有东西的生活，其中一些是自愿的，一些则不是。
From WBEZ Chicago, it's This American Life, distributed by Public Radio International.
这是来自芝加哥 WBEZ 的《This American Life》，由国际公共广播电台发行。
I'm Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯。
Act One of our program today, Do You Hear What I Hear?
我们今天的节目第一幕，你听到我听到的吗？
In that act, one man, one teenage daughter, and many, many fish.
在那一幕中，有一个男人、一个十几岁的女儿和很多很多鱼。
Act Two, The Journalism of Deprivation, Sarah Vowell introduces you to a magazine that, if you're lucky, you have never had to read.
第二幕，《剥夺的新闻》，莎拉·沃威尔向你介绍了一本杂志，如果你幸运的话，你从来没有读过这本杂志。
Act Three, The Call of the Great Indoors, in which we hear a defense of living inside from somebody who can speak authoritatively about the pros and cons.
第三幕，《伟大的室内生活的呼唤》，我们听到一个能够权威地谈论室内生活的利弊的人对室内生活的辩护。
Act Four, Tin Man.
第四幕，铁皮人。
In that act, life without a heart.
在那一行为中，生活没有了心。
Stay with us.
留在我们身边。
Act One, Do You Hear What I Hear?
第一幕，你听到我听到的吗？
This is a story of being forced to give one thing and then giving up another by choice.
这是一个被迫放弃一件事，然后又选择放弃另一件事的故事。
Nubar Alexanian put it together with his daughter Abby.
努巴尔·亚历山大 (Nubar Alexanian) 和他的女儿艾比 (Abby) 将其放在一起。
(HOST) NUBAR ALEXANIAN: You know, I didn't talk about it for a long time, because it's so abstract.
（主持人）NUBAR ALEXANIAN：你知道，我很长一段时间都没有谈论它，因为它太抽象了。
It's like people can't imagine it.
简直让人无法想象。
[RINGING NOISE] But then, I'll be in a restaurant.
[铃声]但是，我会在一家餐馆。
There's a loud din of people talking, and dishes, and all that stuff going on in a restaurant, and somebody will ask me, well, how loud is it right now?
餐馆里传来人们说话、菜肴以及所有这些事情的喧闹声，有人会问我，现在有多大声？
And I'll often say, it's the loudest thing in the room.
我经常说，这是房间里最响亮的声音。
And people can't-- it's just incomprehensible to people that you could get used to a tone like that in your head all the time.
人们不能——人们无法理解你脑子里总是会习惯这样的语气。
See, as I'm talking about it right now, it's really loud.
看，正如我现在正在谈论的那样，声音真的很大。
[RINGING NOISE] The very first doctor I saw was this young ear, nose, and throat guy.
[铃声]我见到的第一个医生是这个年轻的耳鼻喉科医师。
And he examined me.
他检查了我。
But he was examining me as if he were just going through the motions.
但他正在检查我，就好像他只是走过场一样。
He already knew what he was going to tell me.
他已经知道他要告诉我什么了。
so after all the examinations, he said, well, you have tinnitus.
所以在所有检查之后，他说，好吧，你有耳鸣。
And there's no cure for it.
而且没有治愈方法。
You're just going to have to learn to live with it.
你只需要学会忍受它。
[WHISTLING NOISE] And I thought, well, what are you talking about?
[呼啸声] 我想，好吧，你在说什么？
I can't learn to live with this.
我无法学会忍受这个。
And I went through 10 years of-- five other doctors-- going to the high priests at Boston Hospital, to every alternative psychic-- thing you can possibly imagine.
我经历了 10 年——另外五位医生——去波士顿医院的大祭司那里，去寻找每一种替代的通灵术——你可以想象的事情。
There's an-- four or five different acupuncturists.
有四五个不同的针灸师。
This one dentist said, well, I'm going to make you a mouth guard.
这位牙医说，好吧，我要给你做一个护齿套。
He said, well, I'm sure this will work.
他说，好吧，我确信这会起作用。
It's going to cost you $19,000.
您将花费 19,000 美元。
And I did some muscle body work and some homeopathic remedies.
我做了一些肌肉锻炼和一些顺势疗法。
I had my entire jaw realigned by a dentist over a two-year period.
牙医花了两年的时间对我的整个下巴进行了重新调整。
And we had things like this guy come in who spread these Petri dishes all over our house.
我们遇到了像这个人这样的人，他把这些培养皿铺满了我们的房子。
So we had to install all these filtering systems in our house, and fans, and air cleaners and dehumidifiers.
所以我们必须在家里安装所有这些过滤系统、风扇、空气净化器和除湿器。
So I've spent probably over 10 years, $70,000.
所以我大概花了10多年，70,000美元。
I'm a photographer.
我是一名摄影师。
And the first tone appeared around the same time that I started working on this book about musicians called Where Music Comes From.
第一个音调大约在我开始写这本关于音乐家的书《音乐从何而来》的同时出现。
And I traveled around the world with 25 different musicians.
我和 25 位不同的音乐家一起环游世界。
And all of a sudden, I had to stop.
突然之间，我不得不停下来。
The first tone appeared at the beginning of the project.
第一个音调出现在项目开始时。
And then the second tone came.
然后第二声传来。
The whole thing got so bad that my career just came to a stop.
整件事变得如此糟糕，以至于我的职业生涯戛然而止。
I just couldn't travel.
我只是无法旅行。
I was completely disabled by these tones.
我完全被这些音调弄瘫痪了。
I'm going to try on the piano.
我要尝试弹钢琴。
I think what I have in my right ear is a D-flat.
我认为我的右耳是降 D 调。
[PLAYING PIANO] And in my left ear, a C one octave lower.
[弹钢琴] 在我的左耳中，C 音低一个八度。
[PLAYING PIANO] The right ear is a D-flat, and the left ear is a C.
[弹奏钢琴] 右耳为降D调，左耳为C调。
The most maddening part of this was when I was with this friend of mine, this jazz musician.
最令人抓狂的部分是当我和我的一位爵士音乐家朋友在一起时。
And I described it to him.
我向他描述了这一点。
And he threw his head down on his hands on the table.
他低下头，双手撑在桌子上。
We were having lunch.
我们正在吃午饭。
And I could see in him that he completely understood how maddening it was.
我可以从他身上看出，他完全理解这有多么令人抓狂。
Because he understood that the D-flat was always trying to resolve itself into the C.
因为他明白降 D 调总是试图将自己分解为 C 调。
(INTERVIEWER) NUBAR ALEXANIAN: So can you play both of them at the same time?
（采访者） NUBAR ALEXANIAN：那么你可以同时玩这两个游戏吗？
I might be able to.
我也许可以。
Let's see.
让我们来看看。
Let me try this for a second.
让我尝试一下。
[TONES] Abby Alexanian (SUBJECT) ABBY ALEXANIAN: Dad?
[声音] Abby Alexanian（主题） ABBY ALEXANIAN： 爸爸？
(INTERVIEWER) NUBAR ALEXANIAN: Test.
（采访者） NUBAR ALEXANIAN：测试。
OK, what were you saying?
好吧，你刚才说什么？
(SUBJECT) ABBY ALEXANIAN: That, well, as we've been doing this piece, I've been thinking, it must-- I can't imagine having a tone in my ear, especially like a pure tone, tones that don't stop like that.
（主题）ABBY ALEXANIAN：嗯，当我们一直在做这首作品时，我一直在想，它必须——我无法想象我的耳朵里有一个音调，特别是像纯音调，不会像那样停止的音调。
So I can not even imagine what it must be like to have it all the time.
所以我什至无法想象一直拥有它会是什么样子。
(INTERVIEWER) NUBAR ALEXANIAN: So what is it about having the tone?
（采访者） NUBAR ALEXANIAN： 那么语气是什么呢？
(SUBJECT) ABBY ALEXANIAN: Like you're trapped inside your own head.
（主题）ABBY ALEXANIAN：就像你被困在自己的头脑里一样。
You're in a room with no doors and no windows, and just a speaker of that sound driving you literally up the walls.
你在一个没有门也没有窗的房间里，只有一个扬声器发出的声音简直要把你逼到墙上去。
I swear I would cut my head off or something.
我发誓我会砍掉我的头什么的。
I'd follow van Gogh's path and cut my ears off.
我会追随梵高的脚步，割掉我的耳朵。
(INTERVIEWER) NUBAR ALEXANIAN: This is an odd thing to say, I think.
（采访者） NUBAR ALEXANIAN： 我认为这是一件奇怪的事情。
I'm somewhat grateful for the tone.
我对这语气有些感激。
Of course, I don't feel grateful on bad days.
当然，在糟糕的日子里我不会感到感激。
But before you were born, I used to travel constantly on assignment all over the world.
但在你出生之前，我经常因任务到世界各地旅行。
And on good days, when I think about it, I think about the tone being a warning that I needed to slow down.
在美好的日子里，当我想到这一点时，我会认为这种语气是在警告我需要放慢速度。
And then you were born, and I thought, not only did I need to slow down, but I wanted to slow down.
然后你出生了，我想，我不仅需要慢下来，而且我想慢下来。
And on bad days, I feel like oh, OK, I've learned this lesson.
在糟糕的日子里，我感觉哦，好吧，我已经吸取了教训。
I've slowed down.
我放慢了速度。
Now the tone can go away.
现在音调可以消失了。
But it doesn't go away.
但它并没有消失。
[TONE] Abby Alexanian (SUBJECT) ABBY ALEXANIAN: I'm reading through this outline of all the tapes that we have, and you say, I could not imagine losing my hearing.
[语气] Abby Alexanian（主题） ABBY ALEXANIAN：我正在通读我们拥有的所有磁带的大纲，你说，我无法想象失去听力。
And I was like, well, wait a minute, it's not that bad.
我当时想，好吧，等一下，情况并没有那么糟糕。
And then, I realize it's sort of the reverse.
然后，我意识到情况正好相反。
I haven't really lived with perfect hearing ever, so I can't compare.
我从来没有真正拥有过完美的听力，所以我无法比较。
But I just thought it was interesting that you couldn't imagine losing your hearing, and I could not imagine having tinnitus.
但我只是觉得有趣的是，你无法想象失去听力，我也无法想象有耳鸣。
(INTERVIEWER) NUBAR ALEXANIAN: Do you remember when you got your hearing aid?
（采访者） NUBAR ALEXANIAN：您还记得您何时获得助听器吗？
(SUBJECT) ABBY ALEXANIAN: No. Nubar Alexanian (INTERVIEWER) NUBAR ALEXANIAN: Do you want to hear what happened?
（主题）ABBY ALEXANIAN： 不。 Nubar Alexanian（采访者） NUBAR ALEXANIAN： 你想听听发生了什么吗？
(SUBJECT) ABBY ALEXANIAN: OK.
（主题）艾比·亚历山大：好的。
Nubar Alexanian (INTERVIEWER) NUBAR ALEXANIAN: Because for Mom and I, it was a huge event.
Nubar Alexanian（采访者） NUBAR ALEXANIAN：因为对于我和妈妈来说，这是一件大事。
Because you'd gone through all the tests.
因为你已经通过了所有的测试。
And we discovered that you indeed had a hearing loss, and that they were going to fit you with a hearing aid.
我们发现你确实有听力损失，他们将为你配备助听器。
And before that, you kept saying "what" all the time.
在那之前，你一直在说“什么”。
And there were certain words that you couldn't pronounce, or certain sounds that you obviously were missing.
还有某些单词你无法发音，或者某些声音你显然错过了。
And that's what the audiologist and the doctors described to us.
这就是听力学家和医生向我们描述的。
So we went down to the Beverly Hospital.
所以我们去了比弗利医院。
Your mom and I were sitting in the room.
我和你妈妈坐在房间里。
And she put the hearing aid in your ear and turned it on and made all the adjustments.
她把助听器放在你的耳朵里，打开它并进行所有的调整。
And then you slid off the chair and said, oh my God.
然后你从椅子上滑下来，说，天哪。
I can hear.
我能听到。
(SUBJECT) ABBY ALEXANIAN: Well, sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to hear everything perfectly.
（主题）ABBY ALEXANIAN：嗯，有时候，我想知道完美地听到一切会是什么样子。
You know?
你知道？
To have that entire sound, every aspect of someone's voice, or music, every note, to hear every single one, would be incredible to me.
拥有完整的声音，某人声音或音乐的每个方面，每个音符，听到每一个，对我来说都是难以置信的。
And I don't know what that would be like.
我不知道那会是什么样子。
I've never known what that would be like.
我从来不知道那会是什么样子。
(INTERVIEWER) NUBAR ALEXANIAN: Let's just talk about, you transcribed my hearing test, where you got to actually hear the sound that's in my ear.
（采访者） NUBAR ALEXANIAN：我们来谈谈，你转录了我的听力测试，你必须真正听到我耳朵里的声音。
(SUBJECT) ABBY ALEXANIAN: I can't hear one of the tones that you ear.
（主题）ABBY ALEXANIAN：我听不到你听到的任何一种声音。
(INTERVIEWER) NUBAR ALEXANIAN: So you didn't hear the tone in my right ear?
（采访者） NUBAR ALEXANIAN： 那么你没有听到我右耳的声音？
(SUBJECT) ABBY ALEXANIAN: No, I couldn't hear the high one, because I'm missing that.
（主题）ABBY ALEXANIAN： 不，我听不到高音，因为我错过了。
That's part of my hearing loss.
这是我听力损失的一部分。
I'm missing that particular frequency in both my ears.
我的双耳都听不到那个特定的频率。
(INTERVIEWER) NUBAR ALEXANIAN: So you can't hear the sound--
（采访者）NUBAR ALEXANIAN：所以你听不到声音——
(SUBJECT) ABBY ALEXANIAN: I can't hear the sound that you hear all the time.
（主题）ABBY ALEXANIAN：我听不到你一直听到的声音。
(INTERVIEWER) NUBAR ALEXANIAN: That's incredible, though, don't you think?
（采访者） NUBAR ALEXANIAN： 不过，这太不可思议了，你不觉得吗？
(SUBJECT) ABBY ALEXANIAN: I don't know.
（主题）ABBY ALEXANIAN： 我不知道。
It's too much of a coincidence.
这实在是太巧合了。
Nubar Alexanian (HOST) NUBAR ALEXANIAN: I can't be in quiet places.
Nubar Alexanian（主持人） NUBAR ALEXANIAN： 我不能呆在安静的地方。
It can be really maddening to be in quite places.
在安静的地方真的会让人抓狂。
It's the thing, though, that I think is responsible for me taking up fly-fishing, because it's the closest I can get to quiet.
不过，我认为这就是我开始飞钓的原因，因为这是我能最接近安静的地方。
I'm out there.
我在外面。
It's early morning.
现在是清晨。
It's dark.
天黑了。
I'm in my boat.
我在我的船上。
I push off into the current, don't start the engine.
我驶入水流，但不启动发动机。
The river is waking up, and there are little sounds of birds and stuff going on.
河水苏醒了，几乎听不到鸟鸣之类的声音。
And then there's me with my fly line going back and forth and back and forth.
然后是我，我的飞线来来回回。
And I'm focusing on the fly line, trying to get it out 100 feet.
我专注于飞线，试图将其飞出 100 英尺。
And there's a sound that it makes that I can attach to.
它发出了一种我可以附加的声音。
And so I'm really focused on that.
所以我真的很关注这一点。
And it takes me away from the sound in my head.
它让我远离了脑海中的声音。
And that's what quiet is to me.
这就是安静对我来说的意义。
That's the most quiet that I can have.
这是我能拥有的最安静的时刻。
(INTERVIEWER) NUBAR ALEXANIAN: Anything else you want to say about it?
（采访者） NUBAR ALEXANIAN： 对此您还有什么想说的吗？
(SUBJECT) ABBY ALEXANIAN: Just that I think, maybe it's taught you patience.
（主题）ABBY ALEXANIAN：我认为，也许它教会了你耐心。
Because I didn't know you before you had this, so I wouldn't know.
因为在你有这个之前我不认识你，所以我不知道。
But I would think that it might have taught you something about settling or acceptance.
但我认为它可能教会了你一些关于安定或接受的事情。
Because I remember you told us a story about how you went to all these doctors.
因为我记得你给我们讲了一个关于你如何去找所有这些医生的故事。
But the first doctor you went to told you there was no cure.
但你去看的第一位医生告诉你无法治愈。
You couldn't do anything.
你什么也做不了。
And so you spent tons of money seeing a whole bunch of other doctors who tried a whole bunch of other things.
所以你花了很多钱去看了很多其他医生，他们尝试了很多其他的方法。
And finally, you just realized that the first doctor was right.
最后，你意识到第一位医生是对的。
And I guess that was probably your acceptance part of it.
我想这可能是你接受它的一部分。
And it's also that you were working so frantically before.
还有就是你之前工作的太疯狂了。
And then you got tinnitus, and you had to stop.
然后你就出现耳鸣，你必须停下来。
And I got more of you.
我得到了更多的你。
Because I do remember you traveling a lot.
因为我记得你经常旅行。
And I remember how much you were gone.
我还记得你离开了多久。
And I remember asking Mom when you'd come home.
我记得我问妈妈你什么时候回家。
But then you came home, and you stayed home.
但后来你回到家，就呆在家里。
And you played with me.
还有你和我一起玩。
You took me to school every day.
你每天都送我去学校。
And I think that was really good for the family.
我认为这对家庭来说确实有好处。
(HOST) IRA GLASS: Nubar and Abby Alexonian.
（主持人）IRA GLASS：努巴尔和艾比·亚历克森。
They put together that story with Jay Allison for the website transom.org.
他们与 Jay Allison 一起将这个故事整理到 transom.org 网站上。
If you want to learn how to put together a radio story, they explain how to do it at transom.org.
如果您想学习如何编写广播故事，他们会在 transom.org 上解释如何操作。
Their story got funding from the Corporation for Public Broadcasting.
他们的故事得到了公共广播公司的资助。
Act Two, The Journalism of Deprivation.
第二幕，剥夺的新闻业。
Our program today is all about doing without this or that.
我们今天的计划就是不做这个或那个。
And our contributing editor, Sarah Vowell, brings us this report on a publication that she's read a bit of lately.
我们的特约编辑莎拉·沃威尔（Sarah Vowell）为我们带来了她最近读过的一份出版物的报告。
(HOST) SARAH VOWELL: The names of certain magazines are supposed to cheer a person up, Glamour, Lucky, Gourmet, Allure.
（主持人）SARAH VOWELL：某些杂志的名称应该让人振奋，比如《Glamour》、《Lucky》、《Gourmet》、《Allure》。
Life, these titles suggest, is full of possibilities.
这些标题表明，生活充满了可能性。
Then, there's the magazine I read.
然后是我读过的杂志。
This magazine has the most downbeat name of any magazine since DownBeat.
这本杂志的名字是自《DownBeat》以来所有杂志中最悲观的。
It is called Living Without.
它被称为“没有生活”。
Living Without bills itself as a lifestyle guide for people with allergies and food sensitivities, which sounds straightforward enough.
《没有生活》自称是针对过敏和食物敏感人群的生活方式指南，这听起来很简单。
But the name Living Without is so depressing, so forlorn, such a belligerent refusal to accentuate the positive, that I don't know why its publishers don't just come clean and call it Loser.
但《没有生活》这个名字是如此令人沮丧、如此凄凉，如此好战地拒绝强调积极的一面，我不知道为什么它的出版商不直接坦白并称其为失败者。
I read Living Without because I actually do live without.
我读《没有生活》是因为我确实也没有生活。
I'm allergic to wheat.
我对小麦过敏。
On the one hand, this is a fairly serious problem.
一方面，这是一个相当严重的问题。
I'm always one bagel away from this panicky feeling of drowning.
我总是距离这种惊慌失措的溺水感只有一个百吉饼的距离。
My throat closes up, and I'm hit with nausea that seems to affect every part of me, as if my fingers and ears want to throw up.
我的喉咙发紧，恶心感袭来，似乎影响到了我的每一个部位，就好像我的手指和耳朵都想吐。
On the other hand, nobody wants to hear about a disease whose treatment consists of scrutinizing food labels and never leaving the house without a fruit snack.
另一方面，没有人想听到一种疾病的治疗方法包括仔细检查食品标签和不吃水果零食就出门。
Living Without is a magazine that revels in the mundane details of my condition.
《Living Without》是一本以我的生活细节为主题的杂志。
My favorite regular feature in Living Without is the column "Perils in the Pantry," which reads like a particularly over-the-top episode of The Munsters.
《无生活》中我最喜欢的常规专题是“食品储藏室中的危险”专栏，读起来就像《蒙斯特一家》中特别夸张的一集。
Just as in the Munsters' upside-down world, in which the pretty, blonde cousin is pitied for her ugliness, in "Perils in the Pantry," supposedly cheerful events like parties and picnics are treated like the death traps they are.
正如在蒙斯特一家颠倒的世界中，漂亮的金发表弟因丑陋而受到怜悯，在《食品储藏室的危险》中，聚会和野餐等本应令人愉快的活动却被视为死亡陷阱。
Beware of summertime salads, the column warns.
该专栏警告说，要小心夏季沙拉。
Lurking under seemingly innocent lettuce, deadly croutons.
潜伏在看似无辜的生菜、致命的油煎面包块下面。
"Perils at the Party" tells the horror story of one German-themed dinner party in which the entire meal consisted of wiener schnitzel, caraway noodles, and bread, or, as the wheat-sensitive might look upon the table, meat dusted with wheat, rectangular glops of wheat, and baked wheat.
《派对上的危险》讲述了一场以德国为主题的晚宴的恐怖故事，整顿饭菜包括维也纳炸肉排、香菜面条和面包，或者，正如对小麦敏感的人在桌子上看到的那样，撒有小麦的肉、长方形的小麦团和烤小麦。
The author's advice?
作者的建议？
Before going out to a dinner party, eat first.
出去参加晚宴之前，先吃饭。
Living Without featured one article about a family who had switched religions in search of a house of worship that provided a gluten-free communion wafer.
《生活没有》刊登了一篇文章，讲述了一个家庭改变宗教信仰，寻找提供无麸质圣餐薄饼的礼拜堂的故事。
And the greatest election story in recent times?
近来最伟大的选举故事是什么？
Not the Florida recount, in Living Without.
不是《无生活》中佛罗里达州的叙述。
In Living Without the juiciest event in recent electoral politics was the 1998 race for lieutenant governor of Massachusetts, in which both the Republican and Democratic candidates were allergic to wheat.
在《没有生活》中，近期选举政治中最有趣的事件是 1998 年马萨诸塞州副州长的竞选，共和党和民主党候选人都对小麦过敏。
Living Without makes me feel less alone, less of an oddball.
生活没有让我感到不那么孤独，不那么奇怪。
I don't have any wheat-free friends.
我没有不吃小麦的朋友。
And since I hope to hang on to the friends I do have, I try and spare them the nitty-gritty details.
因为我希望能和我现有的朋友保持联系，所以我尽量不向他们透露任何细节。
Not to mention that most of them have an underwhelming grasp of the pros and cons of various brands of soy flour.
更不用说他们中的大多数人对各种品牌黄豆粉的优缺点掌握得并不透彻。
My friend, Nick, was perplexed when the last time we had breakfast together, I asked the waitress if I could have a banana instead of toast.
上次我们一起吃早餐时，我的朋友尼克很困惑，我问女服务员我是否可以吃香蕉而不是吐司。
When I asked Nick about it later, he said, "A banana instead of toast?
当我后来问尼克这件事时，他说：“用香蕉代替吐司？
Why not ask for anything, then, anything of a similar monetary value to toast, like a cassette tape?"
那么，为什么不索取任何与吐司具有类似货币价值的东西，比如盒式磁带呢？”
At least I didn't find out I was sensitive to wheat gluten until I was over 30.
至少我直到30多岁才发现自己对小麦麸质敏感。
The real heartbreakers in Living Without involve allergic kids and the terrified parents who love them.
《没有生活》中真正令人心碎的是过敏的孩子和爱他们的害怕的父母。
Mostly, it's one sob story after another, the boy who accidentally bit into a peanut butter cookie and died, the family of a first grader who spent part of their summer vacation at diabetes camp, mothers who write sentences such as, "My heart sank," or "I was standing right next to him when he ate that cookie, and I couldn't save him."
大多数情况下，这是一个又一个悲伤的故事，一个不小心咬了一块花生酱饼干而死的男孩，一个一年级学生的家人在糖尿病训练营度过了部分暑假，母亲们写下诸如“我的心沉了下去”或“当他吃那块饼干时我就站在他旁边，我无法拯救他”之类的句子。
Still, one of my favorite things I've read in Living Without was written by the mother of a gluten-allergic son.
尽管如此，我在《没有生活》中读到的最喜欢的东西之一是由一个对麸质过敏的儿子的母亲写的。
Once a week, family night in their household was called pizza night.
每周一次的家庭之夜被称为披萨之夜。
And they would all go out for pizza, until young Alec was diagnosed.
他们都会出去吃披萨，直到年轻的亚历克被诊断出来。
They thought pizza night was history, until the mother finally figured out that she could just bring gluten-free dough to the pizzeria.
他们以为披萨之夜已经成为历史，直到母亲最终发现她可以将无麸质面团带到披萨店。
All happy endings in Living Without are like this.
《无生活》中所有的幸福结局都是这样的。
Even the triumphs involve minor indignities like schlepping your own crust in tinfoil when going out for dinner.
即使是胜利也会带来一些轻微的侮辱，比如出去吃饭时用锡纸把自己的面包皮裹起来。
The earnestness of this story, of everything in Living Without , is the main reason I find it so reassuring.
这个故事以及《无生活》中的一切的真诚，是我觉得它如此令人安心的主要原因。
There are headlines that would seem ridiculous in any other magazine, an article on gluten-free weddings called "Have Your Cake," a guide to international cuisine called, "The World is Your Rice Noodle," that concludes with the thought, "Bye-bye, American pie, hello, pad Thai." It's corny, but that's kind of what I like about it.
有些标题在任何其他杂志上都显得很荒谬，比如一篇关于无麸质婚礼的文章，名为“吃你的蛋糕”，一份国际美食指南，名为“世界就是你的米粉”，其结尾的想法是“再见，美国派，你好，泰式炒河粉”。这很老套，但这正是我喜欢的。
If the information in Living Without were conveyed more clinically in the dignified style of, say, the New York Times , the information would feel less welcoming.
如果《没有生活》中的信息以《纽约时报》那样庄严的风格更客观地传达，那么这些信息就会让人感觉不那么受欢迎。
And it would also feel less true.
而且这种感觉也会不太真实。
There's nothing dignified about being allergic to wheat.
对小麦过敏毫无尊严可言。
It's the kind of annoying, specific, picky food nuisance you can only really talk about with the one person on earth who truly gives a hoot what kind of cracker you'd prefer, your mom.
这是一种烦人的、特定的、挑剔的食物滋扰，你只能和地球上真正关心你喜欢哪种饼干的人，也就是你的妈妈，真正谈论它。
The corniness of Living Without is so comforting because it feels so maternal, as if it's written by a gaggle of friendly, Midwestern mothers, whose warm, cheerful kitchens smell like fresh-baked bread, fresh-baked bread made out of rice flour and potato starch.
《没有生活》的陈词滥调令人感到安慰，因为它让人感觉如此母性，仿佛它是由一群友好的中西部母亲写的，她们温暖、愉快的厨房闻起来像新鲜出炉的面包，用米粉和马铃薯淀粉制成的新鲜出炉的面包。
(HOST) IRA GLASS: Sarah Vowell is the author of a number of books, most recently Assassination Vacation .
（主持人）IRA GLASS：莎拉·沃威尔（Sarah Vowell）是多本书的作者，最近出版了《刺杀假期》。
Her story is part of a project at hearingvoices.com, which gets funding from the Corporation for Public Broadcasting.
她的故事是hearingvoices.com 项目的一部分，该项目获得了公共广播公司的资助。
Act Three, The Call of the Great Indoors.
第三幕，伟大室内的呼唤。
There are some kinds of living without that is really hard for most of us to fathom.
对于我们大多数人来说，没有它的某些生活方式确实很难理解。
In Boston, Chelsea Merz has been talking with somebody about one of those.
在波士顿，切尔西·梅尔兹一直在与某人谈论其中之一。
(HOST) CHELSEA MERZ: The first thing I noticed about Matthew were his fingernails.
（主持人）切尔西·梅尔茨：我注意到马修的第一件事就是他的指甲。
They're so clean, much cleaner than mine.
他们真干净，比我的干净多了。
And I am humbled.
我很谦卑。
I have no excuse.
我没有任何借口。
Unlike Matthew, I have not been living on the streets for seven years.
与马修不同，我已经七年没有流落街头了。
Every Saturday, we meet for lunch at Bertucci's, which is this family-style Italian restaurant.
每个星期六，我们都会在 Bertucci's 共进午餐，这是一家家庭式的意大利餐厅。
Every week, we sit at the same table.
每个星期，我们都坐在同一张桌子旁。
And every time, our waitress assures us that we've made it in time for the lunch special.
每次，我们的女服务员都会向我们保证，我们已经及时做好了特价午餐。
We will get free refills on soft drinks, a complimentary garden salad, and a basket of rolls.
我们将免费续杯软饮料、免费花园沙拉和一篮面包卷。
One time, Matthew showed up 20 minutes late, and the manager was giving him a hard time.
有一次，马修迟到了 20 分钟，经理很刁难他。
He was saying, you better make it up to her and buy lunch today.
他是在说，你最好补偿她，今天买午餐。
And when we got to our table, Matthew was laughing.
当我们到达餐桌时，马修正在笑。
And he said, he doesn't know I'm homeless.
他说，他不知道我无家可归。
He has no idea.
他不知道。
And even though Matthew is carrying a large cardboard box, a messenger bag, and two book bags, he looks more like a college professor.
尽管马修背着一个大纸箱、一个斜挎包和两个书包，但他看起来更像是一位大学教授。
He's clean.
他很干净。
He's tidy.
他很整洁。
He's organized.
他很有组织性。
He's incredibly polite.
他非常有礼貌。
Every week, Matthew tells these stories.
马修每周都会讲述这些故事。
So every week, I record him.
所以每周我都会记录他。
There was this time it rained nonstop.
有一次，雨下个不停。
When that happens, the shelters just fill up.
当这种情况发生时，避难所就会被填满。
And there were 10 of us waiting for two hours.
我们10个人等了两个小时。
Eventually, people start talking.
最终，人们开始交谈。
Oh, where were you yesterday when it started raining?
哦，昨天开始下雨的时候你在哪里？
Oh, I was over here.
哦，我在这儿。
Did you get in somewhere last night?
昨晚你到过什么地方吗？
No, I was outside, or I went under a bridge, or I, you know.
不，我在外面，或者我去了桥下，或者我，你知道。
So everybody's talking about these things.
所以每个人都在谈论这些事情。
And one guy in the room was very quiet.
房间里有一个人非常安静。
Someone started talking.
有人开始说话了。
What'd you do?
你做了什么？
What'd you do yesterday?
你昨天做了什么？
With this very thick Spanish accent, doesn't speak English very well, he told us he didn't know Boston at all.
他带着浓重的西班牙口音，英语说得不太好，他告诉我们他根本不了解波士顿。
He had just arrived from New York.
他刚从纽约来。
Didn't know the streets, didn't know where to go.
不熟悉街道，不知道该去哪里。
And when it came time, what about you, where did you stay?
当时间到来时，你呢？你住在哪里？
Alley.
胡同。
Alley?
胡同？
Where were you?
当时你在哪里？
The alley?
小巷？
Oh, just right, right, the next block.
哦，对了，对了，下一个街区。
Yeah, one block, one block.
是啊，一街区，一街区。
You only got as far as one block, and you went into the alley.
你只走了一个街区，就走进了小巷。
Si, si.
斯，斯。
Oh, wow.
哦，哇。
So where'd you sleep in the alley?
那么你睡在巷子里的什么地方？
Was there any place you could sleep underneath or something?
下面有什么可以睡觉的地方吗？
He said something like box.
他说的是盒子之类的东西。
Box?
盒子？
You slept in a box?
你睡在盒子里吗？
Si, si.
斯，斯。
What, a cardboard box?
什么，纸板箱？
Wouldn't it be soaking wet?
不会被淋湿吗？
No, not cardboard.
不，不是纸板。
Metal, metal.
金属，金属。
Metal?
金属？
You slept in a metal box?
你睡在金属盒子里吗？
What are you-- and someone said, oh, a dumpster.
你是什么——有人说，哦，垃圾箱。
You slept in a dumpster.
你睡在垃圾箱里。
No, no. Did you get any sleep?
不，不。你睡了吗？
No, no, no sleep, because of afraid.
不不不，没睡，因为害怕。
Afraid?
害怕的？
You were afraid?
你害怕吗？
Si, senor.
斯先生。
What were you afraid of?
你害怕什么？
Somebody might come and beat you up or mug you?
有人可能会来打你或者抢劫你吗？
No, button.
不，按钮。
I said, button?
我说，按钮？
And all the sudden, it occurred to me.
突然间，我想到了这一点。
Oh, you didn't sleep in a dumpster, you slept in a trash compactor.
哦，你不是睡在垃圾箱里，而是睡在垃圾压实机里。
Si, si.
斯，斯。
You were afraid somebody was going to come and maybe push a button.
你担心有人会过来并按下按钮。
Si, si.
斯，斯。
When I heard that, it was like at a new level in my feelings and understanding of this whole thing.
当我听到这句话时，我对整件事的感受和理解都达到了一个新的水平。
And you're afraid somebody might come to push the button and die a horrible death.
你担心有人会来按下按钮并惨死。
(HOST) CHELSEA MERZ: Once or twice a year, he gets to house-sit for an old friend.
（主持人）CHELSEA MERZ：每年有一两次，他会为一位老朋友看家。
Around Christmas, he got an offer to house-sit for more than two weeks.
圣诞节前后，他收到了一份为期两周多的看家邀请。
I met him for lunch the day that ended, and he was back on the street.
那天结束时我和他一起吃午饭，他又回到了街上。
I wanted to know what it was for him to have a comfortable place to sleep for a change.
我想知道对于他来说，有一个舒适的地方睡觉以换换口味意味着什么。
Usually, he can't count on any of his regular spots.
通常，他不能指望任何常规位置。
And sometimes, he has to stay up all night in a Kinko's or Dunkin' Donuts.
有时，他必须在 Kinko's 或 Dunkin' Donuts 中熬夜。
Sleep is such a large part of the whole experience of being homeless.
睡眠是无家可归者整个经历的重要组成部分。
I should say sleeplessness.
应该说失眠。
You never get enough sleep.
你永远得不到足够的睡眠。
You're so tired so much of the time.
你很多时候都很累。
(INTERVIEWER) CHELSEA MERZ: So what was it like your first night indoors?
（采访者） CHELSEA MERZ：那么你在室内的第一个晚上感觉如何？
What was it like to sleep?
睡觉是什么感觉？
(SUBJECT) MATTHEW: The first night is the best, because you know you've got 16 consecutive nights of uninterrupted living indoors again, of being able to come over to this apartment, open the door, unlock it with a key, open the door, go over to the sofa, this nice, huge, comfortable, soft sofa with eight large pillows in front of the TV set, with a remote control and everything.
（主题）马修：第一个晚上是最好的，因为你知道你已经连续 16 个晚上在室内不受干扰地生活，能够来到这间公寓，打开门，用钥匙解锁，打开门，走到沙发旁，这张漂亮、巨大、舒适、柔软的沙发，电视机前面有八个大枕头，还有遥控器等等。
It's like what Jean Valjean experienced in the 1935 version of the film Les Miserables with Fredric March as Jean Valjean.
这就像 1935 年版电影《悲惨世界》中冉阿让 (Jean Valjean) 所经历的那样，弗雷德里克·马奇 (Fredric March) 饰演冉阿让 (Jean Valjean)。
After all those years in the prison, or the galley slave prison system, whatever, he's released finally.
在监狱里或者厨房奴隶监狱系统里呆了这么多年之后，无论如何，他终于被释放了。
I think it's 14 years or something in which he was sleeping on hard surfaces.
我想他已经睡在坚硬的表面上14年了。
And when he's finally shown the room where he's going to get to stay when it's time for him to go to sleep, he looks at the bed.
当他终于带他去睡觉时要住的房间时，他看了看床。
And in the years before I was homeless, whenever I'd see this film, I never noticed this.
在我无家可归之前的几年里，每当我看这部电影时，我从未注意到这一点。
He's looking at the bed.
他正在看着床。
And that bed, it's like it's a soft surface, a soft mattress.
那张床，就像是一个柔软的表面，一个柔软的床垫。
It's a bed.
这是一张床。
He hasn't slept in a bed for like 14 years.
他已经有14年没有在床上睡觉了。
And when he plops down in it, he leans back, and he stretches out.
当他扑通一声坐下时，他会向后倾斜，然后伸展身体。
If I remember correctly, his eyes close, as he's savoring the comfort.
如果我没记错的话，他闭着眼睛，享受着这种舒适。
That's what it's like.
就是这样。
That's what it feels like.
就是这样的感觉。
That's what it felt like the first night I was in there for these 16 nights in a row.
这就是我连续 16 个晚上住在那里的第一个晚上的感觉。
(HOST) IRA GLASS: Matthew has been on the streets of Boston for seven years.
（主持人）IRA GLASS：马修已经在波士顿街头流浪七年了。
This was an excerpt from an ongoing radio project Chelsea Merz and Matthew are working on.
这是切尔西·梅尔兹和马修正在进行的一个广播项目的摘录。
Coming up, which is more dangerous to your health-- heart disease, or your own family?
接下来，哪个对你的健康更危险——心脏病，还是你自己的家人？
Answers in a minute from Chicago Public Radio and Public Radio International, when our program continues.
当我们的节目继续进行时，芝加哥公共广播电台和国际公共广播电台将在一分钟内做出答复。
It's This American Life.
这就是美国生活。
I'm Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯。
Each week in our program, of course, we choose some theme, bring you a variety of different kinds of stories on that theme.
当然，我们每周的节目都会选择一些主题，为您带来关于该主题的各种不同类型的故事。
Today's program, stories of giving things up, living without, voluntarily or not.
今天的节目，讲述放弃一切、放弃一切的故事，无论自愿与否。
We've arrived at Act Four of our program.
我们已经到了节目的第四幕了。
Act Four, Tin Man.
第四幕，铁皮人。
Sometimes you give up something, and you're not sure if it's your own idea or not, as in this next story, a short story by Judy Budnitz, read for us by actor Matt Malloy.
有时你会放弃一些东西，并且不确定这是否是你自己的想法，就像下一个故事一样，这是朱迪·布德尼茨的短篇小说，由演员马特·马洛伊为我们朗读。
(HOST) MATT MALLOY: "What kind of son are you," asks Aunt Fran.
（主持人）马特·马洛伊：“你是什么样的儿子？”弗兰阿姨问道。
Aunt Nina says, "Your own flesh and blood.
尼娜姨妈说：“你自己的骨肉。
What your mother wouldn't do for you." Aunt Fran goes on, "She'd do anything for you, anything in the world.
你妈妈不会为你做的事情。”弗兰姨妈继续说道：“她愿意为你做任何事，世界上任何事。
And now you won't give just a little back." "For shame," says Aunt Nina.
现在你不会再回馈一点点了。” “真丢脸，”尼娜姨妈说。
The heat is stifling, but she pulls her sweater closer.
天气很闷热，但她还是把毛衣拉得更紧了。
We're sitting in the hospital waiting room, Aunt Fran and Aunt Nina and I.
我们坐在医院的候诊室里，弗兰阿姨、尼娜阿姨和我。
My mother suffered a heart attack this morning.
我妈妈今天早上心脏病发作。
We're waiting to see her, the aunts and I.
我们、阿姨们和我都在等着见她。
The doctor told us her heart won't last much longer.
医生告诉我们她的心脏活不了多久了。
"We can't fix it," the doctor said.
“我们无法修复它，”医生说。
"She needs a new one, a transplant." "Well then, give her one," the aunts cried.
“她需要一个新的，移植手术。” “那么，给她一个吧，”阿姨们喊道。
"It's not that easy," said the doctors.
“这并不那么容易，”医生们说。
"We need a doctor." The doctors went away.
“我们需要一名医生。”医生们都走了。
The aunts looked at me.
阿姨们看着我。
"Arnie," Nina said.
“阿尼，”尼娜说。
"What about your heart?" "My heart," I shouted.
“你的心呢？” “我的心，”我喊道。
"Are you crazy?" That started them both off on what a bad son I was.
“你疯了？”这让他们俩都开始意识到我是一个多么坏的儿子。
It's impossible to argue with Nina, especially with Fran to back her up.
与尼娜争论是不可能的，尤其是与支持她的弗兰相比。
I sit in the middle.
我坐在中间。
Aunt Fran clutches one arm, Aunt Nina the other.
弗兰姨妈抓住一只手臂，尼娜姨妈另一只手臂。
They wept at first, but now they sit grimly.
他们一开始哭了，但现在却表情严肃地坐着。
A Styrofoam cup of coffee steams next to my foot, but I can't reach for it.
一杯聚苯乙烯泡沫塑料咖啡在我脚边冒着热气，但我伸手够不到。
The aunts don't care.
阿姨们不关心。
They're amazed that I bought it, amazed that I could even think of coffee at a time like this.
他们很惊讶我买了它，很惊讶我在这样的时候还能想到咖啡。
Aunt Fran wears a bally sweater and sensible shoes.
弗兰阿姨穿着一件巴利毛衣和一双实用的鞋子。
Her lips are pressed tight.
她的嘴唇紧闭。
She taps her feet nervously.
她紧张地跺着脚。
On my other side, Nina licks her lips, again and again.
在我的另一边，尼娜一次又一次地舔着嘴唇。
"I saw it on 60 Minutes," Aunt Fran announces.
“我在《60 分钟》节目中看到了它，”弗兰阿姨宣布道。
"They put the heart in a cooler, a regular Igloo cooler like we have at home.
“他们把心脏放在一个冷藏器里，一个普通的冰屋冷藏器，就像我们家里的一样。
And they rush it in a helicopter to the hospital.
他们用直升机将其送往医院。
And they put it in, connect up the pipes.
他们把它放进去，连接管道。
It's just like plumbing."
这就像管道一样。”
"You must be your mother's tissue type, too.
“你一定也是你母亲的组织类型。
I'm sure you are," Aunt Nina puts in.
我确信你是，”尼娜姨妈插话道。
"You're young.
“你还年轻。
You're strong.
你很坚强。
You have a college education.
您受过大学教育。
Your heart is exactly what she needs."
你的心正是她所需要的。”
"You shouldn't have started smoking, though," Aunt Fran goes on.
“不过，你不应该开始吸烟，”弗兰姨妈继续说道。
"It's so bad for the heart.
“这对心脏来说太糟糕了。
You should have thought of that when you started."
你一开始就应该想到这一点。”
"But what about me," I blurt out finally.
“但是我呢？”我终于脱口而出。
"That's what we're talking about.
“这就是我们正在谈论的。
We're talking about your heart," Nina says.
我们正在谈论你的心，”尼娜说。
"But what happens to me?" I say again.
“但是我怎么了？”我再说一遍。
"I can't believe he's thinking of himself at a time like this," Aunt Fran sniffs.
“我不敢相信他在这种时候还能想到自己，”弗兰姨妈嗤之以鼻。
"I need my heart.
“我需要我的心。
You want me to die so my mother can live?" "Of course we don't want that," says Aunt Fran.
你想让我死，好让我妈妈活下去？” “我们当然不希望这样，”弗兰阿姨说。
"Sylvie loves you so much.
“西尔维非常爱你。
She'd want to die herself if you died."
如果你死了，她也想死。”
"We can't both have my heart," I say.
“我们不能同时拥有我的心，”我说。
"Of course not," says Nina.
“当然不是，”尼娜说。
"You can get one of those monkey hearts, or that artificial heart they made such a fuss about in the news a while back." "Why can't mother get one of those, or a transplant from someone else?" "Do you want your mother should have a stranger's heart, or a monkey's heart?
“你可以得到一颗猴子心脏，或者是他们不久前在新闻中大惊小怪的人造心脏。” “为什么母亲不能获得其中之一，或者从其他人那里移植呢？” “你希望你的母亲应该有一颗陌生人的心，还是一只猴子的心？
Your poor mother.
你可怜的母亲。
Do you remember how she never used to take you to the zoo, because she couldn't stand to see the filthy monkeys?
你还记得她以前从不带你去动物园吗，因为她受不了看到那些肮脏的猴子？
And you want her to have a monkey's heart?
你还想让她有一颗猴心？
It would kill her," Fran cries.
这会杀了她，”弗兰哭道。
"She's so weak.
“她太虚弱了。
She needs a heart that will agree with her," Aunt Nina adds.
她需要一颗同意她的心，”尼娜阿姨补充道。
"Any heart but yours wouldn't, just wouldn't do.
“除了你的心之外，任何一颗心都不会，就是不行。
But you, you can handle anything.
但你，你可以处理任何事情。
You're young.
你还年轻。
You're strong.
你很坚强。
You--" "--have a college education," I finish for her.
你——” “——受过大学教育，”我替她说完。
Aunt Nina glares and says, "Your mother worked herself to the bone for you, so you could go to college and make something of yourself.
尼娜阿姨瞪了一眼，说道：“你妈妈为了你拼命工作，就是为了让你能考上大学，出人头地。
And now what do you do?
现在你做什么？
Out of college four years already, all you do is sit in front of a typewriter all day, call yourself a writer, smoking those cigarettes, never get a haircut."
大学毕业四年了，你所做的就是整天坐在打字机前，称自己为作家，抽烟，从不理发。”
"And the first time your mother needs you," Aunt Fran finishes, "you turn your back on her." They both tighten their grips on my arm.
“当你妈妈第一次需要你的时候，”弗兰姨妈总结道，“你就转身背对着她。”他们都紧紧地抓着我的手臂。
"I do things for Mother all the time," I begin.
“我一直在为母亲做事，”我开始说道。
One of the doctors appears at the end of the hall.
一名医生出现在大厅的尽头。
As he approaches, my aunts rise, pulling me with them.
当他走近时，我的姨妈们站了起来，拉着我。
"Is she all right?" Demands Fran when he's still 20 feet away.
“她还好吗？”当 Fran 距离他还有 20 英尺时就要求他。
"We've found a donor," Nina announces.
“我们找到了捐赠者，”尼娜宣布。
The doctor greets us.
医生向我们打招呼。
He's a small man, completely bald.
他是个小个子，完全秃顶。
The eyes behind thick glasses are sad.
厚厚的眼镜后面的眼睛充满悲伤。
He strokes his scalp as he talks, savoring the feel of it.
他边说话边抚摸着头皮，品味着那种感觉。
"She's all right.
“她没事。
She's being monitored," he says.
她正在受到监视，”他说。
"We will look for a donor, but there's a long waiting list."
“我们将寻找捐赠者，但等待名单很长。”
"We've got a donor, Sylvie's son.
“我们有一位捐赠者，西尔维的儿子。
He's in the prime of health," Aunt Nina says.
他正处于健康的最佳时期，”尼娜阿姨说。
"This is Arnie," Fran explains.
“这是阿尼，”弗兰解释道。
The doctor studies me carefully.
医生仔细地研究我。
"Surely you don't do that sort of thing," I say incredulously.
“你当然不会做那种事，”我难以置信地说。
He gazes at me.
他看着我。
"It's very rare, very rare indeed that a son will be so good as to donate his heart.
“一个儿子如此优秀，愿意捐出自己的心脏，这非常罕见，确实非常罕见。
In a few cases, it has been done, but it's so rare to find such a son, a rare and beautiful thing."
在少数情况下，确实做到了，但找到这样的儿子实在是太罕见了，这是一件罕见而美丽的事情。”
He takes off his glasses and polishes them on his sleeve.
他摘下眼镜，放在袖子上擦亮。
Without them, his eyes are small, piggish.
没有它们，他的眼睛就很小，像猪一样。
He puts them back on, and his eyes are sad and soulful once more.
他重新戴上它们，他的眼睛再次充满悲伤和深情。
"You must love your mother very much," he says.
“你一定非常爱你的母亲，”他说。
"Oh, he does," Fran says.
“哦，他做到了，”弗兰说。
I shift my feet and knock over the cup of coffee, and it spills on the floor, the sudden ugly brownness spreading over the empty white.
我移动脚，打翻了咖啡杯，咖啡洒在地板上，丑陋的棕色突然蔓延到空荡荡的白色上。
A nurse leads us to the intensive care unit where my mother is lying attached to machines and bags of fluid.
一名护士带我们来到重症监护室，我母亲躺在那里，身上挂着机器和液体袋。
Aunt Fran rushes to one side of the bed, Aunt Nina the other.
弗兰姨妈冲到床的一侧，尼娜姨妈冲到另一边。
I shuffle awkwardly at the foot of the bed.
我笨拙地在床脚拖着脚步。
I touch my mother's feet.
我摸妈妈的脚。
"Sylvie, are you all right?" the aunts cry.
“西尔维，你还好吗？”阿姨们哭了。
My mother opens her eyes.
我妈妈睁开了眼睛。
There are purple circles around them.
它们周围有紫色圆圈。
She looks pale, but not so different from usual, hardly on the verge of death.
她看上去脸色苍白，但与平时并没有太大的不同，几乎没有濒临死亡。
She smiles dully at her sisters.
她对姐妹们呆呆地笑了笑。
"Oh, Sylvie, you look wonderful, just the same," they say.
“哦，西尔维，你看起来棒极了，还是一样，”他们说。
Then she raises her eyes to me.
然后她抬起眼睛看着我。
"Oh, Arnie, you look terrible," she says.
“哦，阿尼，你看起来很糟糕，”她说。
"That jacket, I told you to throw it away.
“那件夹克，我告诉你把它扔掉了。
I'll find you another.
我会再给你找一个。
There's no reason to go around looking like a mess." "Arnie has some good news," Nina says.
没有理由四处走动，看起来一团糟。” “阿尼有一些好消息，”尼娜说。
"Then why does he look like a thundercloud?" says my mother.
“那他为什么看起来像雷云？”我妈妈说。
"Arnie, is something bothering you?"
“阿尼，你有什么事吗？”
Fran says, "Arnie wants to give you his heart." "I never said that," I cry.
弗兰说：“阿尼想把他的心给你。” “我从来没有这么说过，”我哭道。
There's a pause.
有一个停顿。
"Of course, Arnie, you shouldn't.
“当然，阿尼，你不应该这样做。
You don't need to do that for me.
你不需要为我做那件事。
Really, you don't," my mother says.
真的，你不知道，”我妈妈说。
She looks terribly sad.
她看起来非常悲伤。
The aunts' faces have gone stony.
阿姨们的脸色都变得铁青了。
"I never expected anything from you, you know, of course, nothing like this."
“我从来没有对你抱有任何期望，你知道，当然，不会有这样的事情。”
I look down at her feet, two motionless humps under the blanket.
我低头看着她的脚，毯子下有两个一动不动的驼峰。
"I'm considering it, Mother.
“我正在考虑，妈妈。
Really, I am.
真的，我是。
I want to find out more about it before I decide, that's all.
我想在做出决定之前了解更多信息，仅此而已。
It's not as simple as changing a car battery or something." I force out a laugh.
这并不像更换汽车电池或其他东西那么简单。”我强忍着笑。
No one else laughs.
没有人笑。
But the aunts' faces melt a little.
但阿姨们的脸色却有些融化了。
My heart is pounding.
我的心在狂跳。
My mother closes her eyes.
我妈妈闭上眼睛。
"You're a good boy, Arnie," she says.
“你是个好孩子，阿尼，”她说。
"Your father would be proud."
“你父亲会感到骄傲的。”
A nurse comes in and tells us that we should let my mother rest for a while.
护士进来告诉我们应该让我妈妈休息一会儿。
Aunt Fran and Aunt Nina head back to the waiting room.
弗兰阿姨和尼娜阿姨回到候诊室。
I walk up and down the halls of dull white, where patients shuffle in slow motion, wheeling their IVs along beside them.
我在暗白色的大厅里走来走去，病人慢吞吞地拖着脚步，旁边推着静脉注射器。
I can feel on the floor the buzzing vibration of motors churning away somewhere in the heart of the building.
我可以感觉到地板上建筑物中心某处电机的嗡嗡振动。
I take the elevator and wander until I find a pay phone.
我乘电梯徘徊，直到找到公用电话。
I call up Mandy.
我给曼迪打电话。
She picks up on the first ring.
第一声铃声响起时她就接听了。
"Hi," she says.
“嗨，”她说。
"Where have you been?" "My mother had a heart attack this morning," I say.
“你去哪儿了？” “我妈妈今天早上心脏病发作，”我说。
"I'm at the hospital." "Oh, I knew this would happen," Mandy says.
“我在医院。” “哦，我知道会发生这种事，”曼迪说。
"I burned my hand on the radiator this morning, and right away, I thought, uh-oh, an omen.
“今天早上我的手被散热器烫伤了，我立刻就想，呃，哦，这是一个预兆。
Something bad's going to happen.
有不好的事情要发生了。
How old's your mother?" "57," I say.
你妈妈几岁了？” “57，”我说。
"Oh, that's young for a heart attack.
“哦，这么年轻就心脏病发作了。
And she wasn't fat or anything.
而且她并不胖什么的。
I feel like it's my fault.
我觉得这是我的错。
I should have warned you or something."
我应该警告你什么的。”
Finally, I ask her to come to the hospital, and she says, all right, and hangs up.
最后，我请她来医院，她说，好吧，然后挂断了电话。
I don't need to tell her where to go.
我不需要告诉她去哪里。
Mandy never gets lost.
曼迪永远不会迷路。
She never has to wait in line.
她从来不用排队等候。
Strangers on the street talk to her.
街上有陌生人和她说话。
Jobs fall in her lap.
乔布斯落在了她的腿上。
She's nice-looking, freckles on her nose, good, straight teeth.
她长得很漂亮，鼻子上有雀斑，牙齿又整齐又整齐。
She keeps telling me that my signs indicate my life will be on a big upswing soon, and that I'm just in a transition period right now.
她一直告诉我，我的迹象表明我的生活很快就会有一个大的好转，而我现在正处于过渡期。
I hope she's right.
我希望她是对的。
I finally reach the lobby.
我终于到达大厅了。
And just as I do, Mandy comes bursting in the doors, beaming at me.
就在我这样做的时候，曼迪冲进门来，对我微笑。
She doesn't smile.
她没有笑。
She beams.
她笑容满面。
"I knew I'd find you," she says.
“我知道我会找到你，”她说。
"How's your mother?
“你妈妈怎么样了？
Have you seen her?" Her breath in my face is like pine trees and toothpaste.
你见过她吗？”她的呼吸在我脸上就像松树和牙膏。
"Yeah, she's all right for now.
“是的，她现在没事。
Come on.
来吧。
Let's go outside for a minute.
我们到外面去一会儿吧。
I want to ask you something."
我想问你一件事。”
Outside, the afternoon is darkening to early evening.
外面，午后已是傍晚时分。
We wander in the parking lot among the cars, talking softly, like we're afraid we'll wake them.
我们在停车场的汽车中间徘徊，轻声交谈，好像我们担心会吵醒他们。
It's cold.
是冷的。
I keep looking back to see if anyone's following us.
我不断回头看看是否有人跟踪我们。
"They say my mother's heart is bad, I tell Mandy.
“他们说我母亲的心脏不好，我告诉曼迪。
She needs a new one.
她需要一个新的。
They want me to donate my heart.
他们希望我捐出我的心脏。
What do you think of that?"
你对此有何看法？”
Mandy stops, her eyes and mouth open.
曼迪停了下来，她的眼睛和嘴巴张开。
Wind whips her frizzy hair around her face.
风将她卷曲的头发拂过她的脸。
She looks shocked.
她看起来很震惊。
I breathe a sigh of relief at last, someone who can see reason.
我终于松了口气，算是一个懂道理的人了。
But then she says, "Oh, Arnie, how wonderful.
但随后她说：“哦，阿尼，太棒了。
Can they really do that?
他们真的能做到吗？
That's so wonderful, congratulations."
这太棒了，恭喜你。”
"You mean you think I should do it?" "Isn't technology incredible?" Mandy says.
“你的意思是你认为我应该这么做？” “科技不是很不可思议吗？”曼迪说。
"These days, doctors can do anything.
“如今，医生可以做任何事情。
Now you can share yourself, really give yourself to someone in ways you never even thought were possible before.
现在您可以分享自己，以您以前从未想过的方式真正将自己奉献给某人。
Your mother must be thrilled."
你妈妈一定很兴奋吧。”
"But it's crazy," I say.
“但这太疯狂了，”我说。
She takes my hand in hers and looks up into my eyes.
她握住我的手，抬头看着我的眼睛。
"Frankly, Arnie, I didn't think you had it in you.
“说实话，阿尼，我不认为你有这样的能力。
I'm really impressed, really, I am."
我真的很感动，真的，我很感动。”
"Mandy, I thought you could be realistic about this.
“曼迪，我认为你可以现实一点。
What about me?
那我呢？
Do you want me dead?
你想要我死吗？
What am I supposed to do without a heart?"
没有心我该怎么办？”
"Oh, I'm sure they could fix you up.
“噢，我确信他们能治好你。
The important thing right now is to help your mother." She unzips my jacket and presses her hand against my chest.
现在最重要的是帮助你的母亲。”她拉开我夹克的拉链，把手按在我的胸前。
My heart twitches, flutters like a baby bird in her hands.
我的心抽搐着，像她手里的小鸟一样扑腾着。
"Arnie, you know what the right thing to do is.
“阿尼，你知道什么是正确的做法。
You should get back to your mother now." I watched her go.
你现在就该回到你妈妈身边了。”我看着她走。
brisk, determined steps like a schoolteacher.
像学校老师一样轻快、坚定的步伐。
I find my way back to the waiting room.
我找到了回到候诊室的路。
Someone's mopped up the coffee.
有人把咖啡擦干净了。
"Feel better?" Nina asks.
“感觉好些了吗？”尼娜问道。
"Made a decision yet?" Fran says.
“已经决定了吗？”弗兰说。
"Yes.
“是的。
No. I don't know," I say.
不，我不知道，”我说。
They are both quiet.
他们都很安静。
Fran turns to me.
弗兰转向我。
"Arnie, think about this.
“阿尼，想想这个。
The heart's a little thing, really, less than a pound.
心脏是一个小东西，真的，还不到一磅。
It's just a muscle.
这只是一块肌肉。
You've got muscles all over the place.
你浑身都是肌肉。
Can't you spare one?" She looks earnestly into my face.
就不能留一个吗？”她认真地看着我的脸。
"Can't you spare a little bit of flesh?" And then they are crying, both of them, drops sliding down the wrinkles in their faces.
“你就不能留点肉吗？”然后他们俩都哭了，眼泪顺着脸上的皱纹滑落。
Later, we go visit my mother again.
后来，我们又去看望妈妈。
She looks worse, but perhaps it's the fluorescent lights.
她看起来更糟，但也许是荧光灯的原因。
I stand again at the foot of her bed.
我再次站在她的床脚边。
I can see the veins and tendons on her neck, so delicate, so close to the surface you could snip them with scissors.
我可以看到她脖子上的静脉和肌腱，如此细腻，如此接近表面，可以用剪刀剪断它们。
"Arnie," she says softly, "you should go home and get some sleep.
“阿尼，”她轻声说道，“你应该回家睡觉了。
And shave, you look terrible, so tired.
刮胡子，你看起来很糟糕，很累。
Go.
走吧。
I'll be here tomorrow.
明天我会在这里。
I'm not going anywhere."
我哪儿也不去。”
I drive home in the dark.
我在黑暗中开车回家。
I go up to my apartment and turn on the lights.
我回到我的公寓，打开灯。
I want to call Mandy.
我想给曼迪打电话。
Then I realize I don't want to call her at all.
然后我意识到我根本不想给她打电话。
Usually, my mother calls in the evening and tells me about TV programs and weather changes.
通常，妈妈会在晚上打电话告诉我电视节目和天气变化。
I turn off the lights and sit in the dark.
我关掉灯，坐在黑暗中。
I look at the ceiling, at the smoke detector.
我看着天花板，看着烟雾探测器。
It has a blue light that pulses with a regular beat, like the blip on a cardiograph.
它发出蓝光，有规律地跳动，就像心电图上的光点一样。
Early the next morning at the hospital, I tell the doctor, "I want to do it.
第二天一早，我在医院告诉医生：“我想做。
Give her my heart." He gives me a long, steady look, eyes huge behind the glasses.
把我的心交给她。”他长久而稳定地看着我，眼镜后面的眼睛很大。
"I think you've made the right decision.
“我认为你做出了正确的决定。
I do," he says.
我愿意，”他说。
His eyes drop to my chest.
他的目光垂向我的胸口。
"We can get started right away."
“我们可以立即开始。”
"But what about the transplant for me?" I say.
“但是我的移植手术呢？”我说。
"Don't you need to arrange that first?" "Oh, we'll take care of that when the time comes.
“不需要先安排一下吗？” “噢，到时候我们会处理这件事的。
I want to get your heart into your mother right away, before, before--"
我想立刻把你的心融入你母亲的心里，在那之前，在那之前——”
"Before I change my mind?" I say.
“在我改变主意之前？”我说。
He hardly hears.
他几乎听不见。
He's already deep in his plans.
他已经深深地陷入了自己的计划之中。
He claps me on the back.
他拍拍我的背。
"Have you told your mother yet?
“你告诉你妈妈了吗？
Well, go tell her.
嗯，去告诉她吧。
Then we'll get your chest shaved and get started."
然后我们就把你的胸毛剃掉然后开始。”
This is what I've realized.
这就是我所意识到的。
All along, I thought I'd publish a book, lots of books, get recognition, earn lots of money, support my mother in style in her old age, give her gorgeous grandchildren.
一直以来，我都以为我会出版一本书，很多书，得到认可，赚很多钱，赡养我母亲晚年，给她漂亮的孙子。
I thought that was the way to pay her back for everything I owe her.
我想这就是我欠她的一切的回报。
But now, it looks like I have to pay my debts with my heart instead.
但现在看来，我的债只能用心来还了。
Under these circumstances, I don't have a choice.
在这种情况下，我别无选择。
I'm almost glad.
我几乎很高兴。
It seems easier this way.
这样看来比较容易。
I'll just give her a piece of muscle, and then I'll be free of her forever, all my debts paid.
我只要给她一块肌肉，然后我就永远摆脱她了，我所有的债都还清了。
One quick operation will be so much easier than struggling for the rest of my life to do back to her all the things she thinks she's done for me.
一次快速的手术比我用余生努力回报她所有她认为她为我做的事情要容易得多。
It seems like a good bargain.
这似乎是一笔不错的交易。
When I tell my mother the news, she cries a little and smiles and says, "Oh, I didn't expect it.
当我告诉妈妈这个消息时，她哭了一会儿，笑着说：“哦，我没想到。
Oh, not for a minute.
哦，一分钟都没有。
I wouldn't expect such a sacrifice from you, Arnie.
我没想到你会做出这样的牺牲，阿尼。
I wouldn't dare to even mention such a thing.
这样的事我连提都不敢提。
It's more than any mother could expect of her son.
这超出了任何母亲对儿子的期望。
I'm so proud of you.
我为你感到骄傲。
I guess I did a good job of raising you after all.
我想我毕竟把你养育得很好。
You've turned into such a fine, good person.
你已经变成了一个如此优秀的好人。
I worried that I may have made mistakes when I was bringing you up, but now I know I didn't."
我担心我在抚养你的时候可能犯了错误，但现在我知道我没有。”
On and on she goes.
她不停地走。
And the aunts, they cry and clutch my arms, not so tight as before.
还有阿姨们，她们哭着抓着我的手臂，不像以前那么紧了。
And they say they doubted me, but they never will again.
他们说他们怀疑我，但他们再也不会了。
What a good son, they keep saying.
他们总是说，真是个好儿子。
Looking at them now, they seem smaller than they did before, shriveled.
现在看，它们比以前更小了，枯萎了。
I call Mandy, and she dashes over to the hospital.
我打电话给曼迪，她冲到医院。
She kisses all over my face with her cherry-flavored Chapstick.
她用樱桃味的唇膏亲吻我的脸。
She hugs me and presses her ear against my chest.
她拥抱我，把耳朵贴在我的胸口。
She tells me she knew I'd do the right thing.
她告诉我她知道我会做正确的事。
I'm feeling pretty good now.
我现在感觉很好。
I light up a cigarette.
我点了一支烟。
She takes it away from and mashes it beneath her heel.
她把它拿开，把它踩在脚后跟下面。
"That belongs to your mother now," she says.
“那现在属于你母亲了，”她说。
They all give me flowers.
他们都给我送花。
I feel like a hero.
我感觉自己像个英雄。
I kiss my mother's cheek.
我亲吻妈妈的脸颊。
I hop on a stretcher.
我跳上担架。
They wheel me out.
他们把我推出去。
They sedate me slightly, strip me, shave me.
他们给我注射了轻微的镇静剂，剥掉我的衣服，给我刮胡子。
And then they put the mask on and knock me out good.
然后他们戴上面具，把我打晕了。
It's like I'm falling, falling down a deep well.
我就像坠落，坠入深井。
And the circle of daylight above me grows smaller and smaller and smaller, until it is a tiny white bird swooping and fluttering against a vast night sky.
我头顶上的日光圈变得越来越小，直到变成一只白色的小鸟，在广阔的夜空中俯冲、振翅。
How does it feel to have no heart?
没有心是什么感觉？
It feels light, hollow, rattly.
感觉很轻，空洞，嘎嘎作响。
Something huge is missing.
缺少一些巨大的东西。
It leaves an ache, like the ghost of a severed limb.
它会留下一种疼痛，就像断肢的鬼魂一样。
I'm so light inside, but so heavy on the outside, like gravity increased a hundredfold, gravity holding me to the bed like the ropes and pegs of a thousand Lilliputians.
我的内心如此轻盈，但外表却如此沉重，就像重力增加了一百倍，重力将我固定在床上，就像一千个小人国的绳索和钉子一样。
I lie at the bottom of a pool.
我躺在池底。
Up above, I see the light on the surface.
在上面，我看到表面有光。
It wavers, ripples, breaks, and comes together again.
它摇摆、荡漾、破碎，然后又聚集在一起。
I can see the people moving about far above in the light.
我可以看到人们在光亮的上方走来走去。
I am down here in the dark, cradled in the algae.
我在黑暗中，躺在藻类的摇篮里。
Curious fish nibble my eyelashes.
好奇的鱼咬我的睫毛。
After a while, I see a smooth, pink face above me.
过了一会儿，我看到上方有一张光滑、粉红色的脸。
The doctor?
医生？
"Arnie," he says, "the operation went very well.
“阿尼，”他说，“手术进行得很顺利。
Your mother's doing wonderfully.
你妈妈做得很好。
She loves the new heart." His words begin far away and drift closer, growing louder and louder until they plunk down next to me like pebbles.
她喜欢这颗新心。”他的话语从远处开始，渐渐靠近，声音越来越大，直到像鹅卵石一样落在我身边。
"Arnie," he calls.
“阿尼，”他喊道。
The pool's surface shivers.
泳池的表面在颤抖。
His face balloons, shrinks to a dot, then unfolds itself.
他的脸膨胀起来，缩小成一个点，然后自行展开。
"Arnie, about you.
“阿尼，关于你。
We're having a little trouble.
我们遇到了一点麻烦。
There's a shortage of spare hearts in the country right now.
现在国内缺的是闲人。
We're looking for some kind of replacement.
我们正在寻找某种替代品。
But don't worry.
但不用担心。
You'll be fine."
你会没事的。”
Later, I see Aunt Fran and Aunt Nina.
后来，我看到了弗兰阿姨和尼娜阿姨。
They lean close.
他们靠得很近。
They're huge.
它们很大。
Their faces bleed and run together like wet watercolors.
他们的脸流着血，像湿水彩画一样流淌在一起。
"Your mother's doing so well," they call.
“你妈妈做得很好，”他们喊道。
"She loves you.
“她爱你。
Oh, she's so excited.
哦，她太兴奋了。
She'll be in to see you soon."
她很快就会来看你。”
And later, it's my mother gliding in, her face pink, her hair curled.
后来，我妈妈滑了进来，她脸色粉红，头发卷曲。
"Arnie, Arnie, you good boy," she calls.
“阿尼，阿尼，你好孩子，”她喊道。
And then they wheel her out.
然后他们把她推出去。
They leave me alone for a long time.
他们让我独自呆了很长一段时间。
I lie in the deep.
我躺在深处。
It sways me like a hammock.
它像吊床一样摇晃着我。
There is a deep, low humming all around, like whales moaning.
周围传来低沉的嗡嗡声，就像鲸鱼的呻吟声。
My mother does not visit again.
我妈妈没有再来看望我。
Alone in the dark, no footsteps, no click of the light switch.
独自一人在黑暗中，没有脚步声，也没有电灯开关的咔哒声。
Then a doctor looms above me.
然后一位医生出现在我上方。
"Your mother," he says, "is not doing well.
“你妈妈，”他说，“情况不太好。
The heart does not fit as well as we thought.
心脏并不像我们想象的那么合适。
It's a bit too small." He turns away and leans over again.
有点太小了。”他转过身，再次倾身。
"As for you, we're working on it.
“至于你，我们正在努力。
There's nothing available at the moment.
目前没有可用的东西。
But don't you worry."
不过你不用担心。”
And then Fran and Nina are back.
然后弗兰和尼娜回来了。
"How could you?" they scream, their voices shattering the surface into fragments.
“你怎么可以？”他们尖叫着，他们的声音将表面粉碎成碎片。
"Giving your mother a bad heart.
“让你妈妈心不好。
How could you?
你怎么可以？
What kind of son are you?
你是个什么样的儿子？
She's dying.
她快死了。
Your mother's dying, all because of you." They weep together.
你妈妈要死了，都是因为你。”他们一起哭泣。
For a long time, no one comes.
很长一段时间都没有人来。
I know without anyone telling me that my mother is dead.
无需任何人告诉我，我就知道我母亲已经去世了。
It is my heart.
这是我的心。
When it ceases to beat, I know.
当它停止跳动时，我知道。
The doctor comes to tell me how sorry he is.
医生过来告诉我他有多遗憾。
"She was doing so well at first, but then it turned out the heart just wasn't enough.
“一开始她表现得很好，但后来发现她的心还不够。
I tell you, though, she was thinking of you when she died.
不过我告诉你，她死的时候一直在想你。
She asked for you."
她求你了。”
He sits quietly for a moment.
他静静地坐了一会儿。
"we haven't managed to find a heart for you.
“我们还没有找到一颗适合你的心。
But you'll be fine.
但你会没事的。
We've shot you up full of preservatives.
我们给你注射了满满的防腐剂。
You'll stay fresh for a while yet." He goes away.
你还能保持一段时间的新鲜感。”他走了。
Aunt Fran and Aunt Nina no longer visit.
弗兰姨妈和尼娜姨妈不再来看望。
Mandy?
曼迪？
Gone.
走了。
I lie listening to the emptiness in my chest like wind wailing through canyons.
我躺着，听着胸中的空虚，就像风呼啸过峡谷。
These days, the doctor comes in often to chat with me.
这些天，医生经常过来跟我聊天。
One day, he tells me a story.
有一天，他给我讲了一个故事。
"You know, when your mother died, we managed to save your heart.
“你知道，当你母亲去世时，我们设法拯救了你的心。
It was still healthy.
它仍然很健康。
We thought about giving it back to you, but there was this little girl here, about eight years old.
我们想过把它还给你，但这里有一个小女孩，大约八岁。
She needed a new heart, too.
她也需要一颗新心。
Cute little blonde girl.
可爱的金发小女孩。
One time a basketball star came in here to visit, and there were TV cameras and photographers and everything.
有一次，一位篮球明星来这里参观，那里有电视摄像机和摄影师什么的。
She was in the papers a lot.
她经常出现在报纸上。
Kids were always sending her cards.
孩子们总是给她寄卡片。
"Anyway, we decided to give her your heart.
“无论如何，我们决定把你的心交给她。
She's only a kid, after all.
她毕竟只是个孩子。
She's got her whole life ahead of her.
她的一生都在前方。
Why should we deny her that?
我们为什么要否认她呢？
I'm sure your mother would have wanted it that way.
我相信你妈妈也会希望这样的。
She was such a caring, selfless woman.
她是一个多么有爱心、无私的女人。
I'm sure, deep down, you want her to have it too, don't you?" "Of course I do."
我确信，在内心深处，你也希望她也拥有它，不是吗？” “当然。”
(HOST) IRA GLASS: Judy Budnitz's short story, "Guilt," from her third collection of short stories called Flying Leap .
（主持人）艾拉·格拉斯（IRA GLASS）：朱迪·布德尼茨（Judy Budnitz）的短篇小说《内疚》（Guilt），出自她的第三部短篇小说集《飞跃》（Flying Leap）。
Her third book, Nice Big American Baby , was published last year.
她的第三本书《Nice Big American Baby》于去年出版。
Her story was read for us by actor Matt Malloy, who is in too many movies to possibly named here.
演员马特·马洛伊（Matt Malloy）为我们朗读了她的故事，他出演过太多电影，在此无法一一列举。
Well, our program was produced today by Diane Cook and myself with Alex Blumberg, Jane Feltes, Starlee Kine, and Sarah Koenig.
好吧，我们今天的节目是由黛安·库克和我本人以及亚历克斯·布伦伯格、简·费尔特斯、斯塔莉·凯恩和莎拉·科尼格制作的。
Our senior producer is Julie Snyder.
我们的高级制片人是朱莉·斯奈德。
Elizabeth Meister runs our website.
伊丽莎白·梅斯特 (Elizabeth Meister) 负责运营我们的网站。
Production help from Sam Hallgren, Todd Bachmann, and Thea Chaloner.
Sam Hallgren、Todd Bachmann 和 Thea Chaloner 为制作提供帮助。
Chelsea Merz's story with Matthew came to us with help from Jay Allison and the Cape and Islands NPR stations, with support from the Corporation for Public Broadcasting.
切尔西·梅尔兹 (Chelsea Merz) 与马修 (Matthew) 的故事是在杰·艾利森 (Jay Allison) 以及开普敦和群岛 NPR 电台的帮助下，以及公共广播公司的支持下向我们讲述的。
[ACKNOWLEDGMENTS] Our web site, www.thisamericanlife.org, where you can listen to our shows for absolutely free or buy CDs of them.
[鸣谢] 我们的网站 www.thisamericanlife.org，您可以在其中完全免费收听我们的节目或购买其中的 CD。
Or you can download today's program in our archives at audible.com/thisamericanlife.
或者您也可以在我们的档案库中下载今天的节目：audible.com/thisamericanlife。
This American Life is distributed by Public Radio International.
《美国生活》由国际公共广播电台发行。
[FUNDING CREDITS] WBEZ management oversight for our program by Mr. Tory Malatia.
[资金来源] Tory Malatia 先生对我们的项目进行 WBEZ 管理监督。
Our message to him?
我们给他的信息？
(HOST) MATT MALLOY: We've shot you up full of preservatives.
（主持人）马特·马洛伊：我们给你注射了满满的防腐剂。
You'll stay fresh for a while yet.
你会在一段时间内保持新鲜感。
(HOST) IRA GLASS: I'm I'ra Glass.
（主持人）IRA GLASS：我是 IRA 格拉斯。
Back next week with more stories of This American Life.
下周我们将带来更多《美国生活》的故事。
This American Life is produced in collaboration with WBEZ Chicago and delivered to stations by PRX The Public Radio Exchange.
《This American Life》与 WBEZ Chicago 合作制作，并由 PRX 公共广播电台传送到各电台。