241: 20 Acts in 60 Minutes - This American Life
You are using an outdated browser.
您正在使用过时的浏览器。
Please upgrade your browser or activate Google Chrome Frame to improve your experience.
请升级您的浏览器或激活 Google Chrome 浏览器内嵌框架以改善您的体验。
Sign up for a free Life Partners trial, and you can watch the video “A Night of Stories and Improv.”
注册免费试用《Life Partners》，您可以观看视频“故事与即兴表演之夜”。
00:00 00:00 Transcript Share This American Life Life Partners How to Listen Episodes Recommended About Overview Staff Announcements Fellowships Jobs Music Make Radio On The Road FAQ Submissions Merch Contact Us Our Other Shows Merch Follow Us Life Partners Subscribe to our newsletter Full episode Toggle Audio and Transcript Sync Transcript | Episode #241 | December 29, 2023 241: 20 Acts in 60 Minutes Note: This American Life is produced for the ear and designed to be heard.
00:00 00:00 文字记录 分享此 美国生活 生活伙伴 如何收听 剧集 推荐 关于 概述 员工公告 奖学金 工作 音乐 在路上制作电台 常见问题解答 提交 商品 联系我们 我们的其他节目 商品 关注我们 生活伙伴 订阅我们的时事通讯 整集 切换音频和文字记录同步 文字记录 | 内容第 241 集 | 2023 年 12 月 29 日 241：60 分钟 20 幕 注：《美国生活》是为耳朵而制作的，旨在让人们听到。
If you are able, we strongly encourage you to listen to the audio, which includes emotion and emphasis that's not on the page.
如果可以的话，我们强烈建议您收听音频，其中包括页面上没有的情感和重点。
Transcripts are generated using a combination of speech recognition software and human transcribers, and may contain errors.
文字记录是使用语音识别软件和人工转录员结合生成的，可能包含错误。
Please check the corresponding audio before quoting in print.
请在印刷版引用前检查相应的音频。
Prologue Ira Glass From WBEZ Chicago, it's This American Life.
序言 来自 WBEZ 芝加哥的 Ira Glass，这就是美国生活。
I'm Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯。
There's this theater company in Chicago that, for years, put out a new show every single week where they performed 30 plays in 60 minutes, called the Neo-Futurists.
芝加哥有一家剧团，多年来每周都会推出一部新剧，在 60 分钟内演出 30 部剧目，被称为“新未来主义者”。
And when we first broadcast today's program all the way back in 2003, a bunch of us were sitting around talking about that group.
早在 2003 年，当我们第一次播出今天的节目时，我们一群人就坐在一起谈论那个团体。
And one of us had just seen one of their shows.
我们中的一个人刚刚看了他们的一场演出。
And we thought, that would be really fun-- 30 stories in 60 minutes?
我们想，这真的很有趣——60 分钟内讲 30 个故事？
Let's try that.
让我们试试吧。
Instead of our usual-- each week we choose a theme, bring you three or four stories, blah, blah, blah, public radio, very reflective, what kinds of stories would we end up with if we did 30 in one hour?
与我们平常的不同——每周我们选择一个主题，给你带来三四个故事，等等，等等，等等，公共广播，非常反思，如果我们在一小时内做30个故事，我们最终会得到什么样的故事？
Or even 20?
甚至20个？
What would it sound like?
听起来会是什么样子？
We honestly had no idea.
老实说我们不知道。
And so, that's what we're going to do today.
这就是我们今天要做的。
Today we're going to find out.
今天我们就来一探究竟。
And I have to say, time is wasting if we're going to fit everything in.
我不得不说，如果我们要把所有东西都放进去，那就是浪费时间。
How many will it be?
会是多少？
How many will we squeeze in?
我们要挤多少人？
There is but one way to find out, and that is to stick around.
只有一种方法可以找到答案，那就是坚持下去。
(HOST) IRA GLASS: And let's begin with this one, Act One-- Don't I Know You?
（主持人）IRA GLASS：让我们从第一幕开始——我不认识你吗？
Throughout this hour we're going to be bringing you two-minute documentaries, fantastically short works of fiction, and all kinds of little stories that we ordinarily can't use on the radio show because they are just too short, even though they're really fun stories to listen to and perfect stories for the radio.
在这一小时中，我们将为您带来两分钟的纪录片、极短的小说作品，以及我们通常不能在广播节目中使用的各种小故事，因为它们太短了，尽管它们确实是非常有趣的故事，也是适合广播的完美故事。
Our first story is one like that.
我们的第一个故事就是这样的。
It's one of those stories-- you know how people you know have their greatest hits stories of things that happened to them?
这是这样的故事之一——你知道你认识的人如何拥有发生在他们身上的最热门故事吗？
We went on a massive search for stories like that from all over the country, and this is one of the stories like that that we found.
我们对全国各地的类似故事进行了大量搜索，这就是我们发现的类似故事之一。
It happened to this actor named Tate Donovan.
这种事就发生在一位名叫泰特·多诺万的演员身上。
He told it to our producer Starlee Kine.
他把这件事告诉了我们的制片人斯塔莉·凯恩。
He was out one night going to a Broadway play with a friend, being treated in this way he never gets treated.
一天晚上，他和一位朋友出去看百老汇演出，受到了他从未受到过的对待。
We're sitting around waiting for it to start.
我们坐在那儿等待它开始。
And I'm not a very-- I'm not a sort of a recognizable actor.
我不是一个非常——我不是一个被认可的演员。
I'm an actor who works, but I never get recognized.
我是一名演员，但我从未得到认可。
So all of a sudden, the 10 minutes we're sitting there for it to start, three or four people come up to me and recognize me.
所以突然之间，我们坐在那里等待开始的十分钟里，三四个人走到我面前并认出了我。
I mean, they know exactly who I am.
我的意思是，他们清楚地知道我是谁。
And they are quoting lines from a television show I was on.
他们引用了我参加的电视节目中的台词。
And like, hey, you were Joshua on Friends.
就像，嘿，你是《老友记》中的约书亚。
And I've always admired stars who were really gracious.
我一直很欣赏那些非常和蔼可亲的明星。
So you always think, that's what I want to be like.
所以你总是想，这就是我想要的样子。
I want to be really friendly when I'm famous.
当我出名时，我想变得非常友好。
So I wanted to be friendly and sweet, and go out to the people.
所以我想表现得友善、友善，并走出去与人们相处。
They don't have to come to me all the time.
他们不必一直来找我。
[LAUGHS] So for a little window of time, though, you were exactly the kind of celebrity that you wanted to always be.
[笑]所以在一段时间内，你确实是你想永远成为的那种名人。
You were gracious and reserved.
你很亲切，也很矜持。
Yeah, and warm, you know what I mean?
是的，而且很温暖，你知道我的意思吗？
I wasn't like one of these distant celebrities.
我不像这些遥远的名人之一。
I was like, hey, I was genuine.
我当时想，嘿，我是真诚的。
They all left thinking, that guy's a really great guy.
他们都在想，那家伙真是一个伟大的人。
He's so sweet.
他真是太可爱了。
I was exactly how I wanted to be.
我就是我想成为的样子。
I was doing it.
我正在做。
I was doing great.
我做得很好。
And then the kid with the camera came along.
然后拿着相机的孩子走了过来。
This nervous kid-- I don't know, he must have been 16 years old.
这个紧张的孩子——我不知道，他一定16岁了。
He's in a rented tuxedo, unbelievably shy and awkward, and he's got acne.
他穿着租来的燕尾服，害羞得令人难以置信，而且还长着粉刺。
And he's got a camera in his hand.
而且他手里还拿着相机。
And underneath the marquee is his date, who is in literally a prom dress, and she's got a corsage.
帐篷下面是他的约会对象，她实际上穿着舞会礼服，还戴着胸花。
And she's really nervous and sort of clutching her hands.
她真的很紧张，有点紧握双手。
And he sort of comes up to me and he sort of mumbles something about a picture.
他走到我面前，咕哝了一些关于照片的事情。
And I just feel for him.
我只是对他有感觉。
So I'm like, absolutely, my gosh.
所以我绝对是天哪。
Sure, no problem.
当然，没问题。
My God, you poor thing.
天啊，你这个可怜的东西。
And I go up to his girlfriend and I wrap my arms around her.
我走向他的女朋友，用双臂搂住她。
And I'm like, hey, where are you from?
我说，嘿，你来自哪里？
Fantastic, you going to see the play?
太棒了，你要去看这部剧吗？
That's great.
那太棒了。
And the guy is sort of not taking the photograph very quickly.
那家伙拍照的速度有点慢。
He's just sort of staring at me.
他只是盯着我看。
And he's got his camera in his hands and it's down by his chin.
他手里拿着相机，相机就放在下巴附近。
And she's very stiff and awkward.
而且她的态度非常僵硬和尴尬。
And I don't know what to do, so I just lean across, and I kiss her on the cheek.
我不知道该怎么办，所以我只是靠过去，亲吻她的脸颊。
And I'm like, all right, come on, take the picture.
我就说，好吧，来吧，拍张照片。
Hurry up.
赶快。
And finally he sort of snaps it.
最后他把它拍了下来。
And I'm like, OK, it was really wonderful to meet you.
我想，好吧，认识你真是太好了。
And he just stammered over to me and was like, um, [CLICKS TONGUE] could you take a picture of us?
他只是结结巴巴地对我说，嗯，[点击舌头]你能给我们拍张照片吗？
[GROANS] Tate Donovan And the whole time, he just wanted me to take a picture of him and his girlfriend underneath the awning of the play.
[呻吟] 泰特·多诺万 (Tate Donovan) 一直以来，他只是想让我在戏剧的遮阳篷下给他和他的女朋友拍一张照片。
He didn't want a picture of me.
他不想要我的照片。
He had no idea who I was.
他不知道我是谁。
[LAUGHS]
[笑]
Oh, God.
哦，上帝。
They were in shock.
他们很震惊。
I don't think they'd ever come across a human being acting this way.
我认为他们从来没有遇到过有这样行为的人。
I mean, could you imagine-- you ask someone to take a picture, and you just get in it yourself, and kiss them, and hey.
我的意思是，你能想象吗——你请某人拍照，然后你自己进去，亲吻他们，嘿。
(HOST) IRA GLASS: Act Two-- No, Of Course I Know You.
（主持人）IRA GLASS：第二幕——不，我当然认识你。
One of the things that's been really interesting about putting this show together this week is going to some of our regular contributors and commissioning stories that are just two or three minutes long from people who normally write stories that are 10 times that length.
本周制作这个节目的真正有趣的事情之一是我们的一些定期撰稿人和委托故事，这些故事的长度只有两到三分钟，而这些故事通常是由那些通常写十倍长度故事的人创作的。
This story is an example of that, from Scott Carrier in Salt Lake City.
这个故事就是一个例子，来自盐湖城的斯科特·卡里尔。
Who was that woman, that woman I just saw while walking out of the restaurant?
我刚刚走出餐厅时看到的那个女人是谁？
She was sitting at a table by the door, glasses, a hat, like Lois Lane.
她坐在靠门的一张桌子旁，戴着眼镜，戴着帽子，就像露易丝·莱恩一样。
She looked at me like she knew me.
她看着我，就像她认识我一样。
And I said hello because I thought I recognized her.
我打了招呼，因为我想我认出了她。
But I couldn't remember her name, so I just kept going out the door.
但我记不起她的名字，所以我就一直走出门。
Now I can't even remember how I know her.
现在我什至不记得我是怎么认识她的。
I know I know her, or used to know her.
我知道我认识她，或者曾经认识她。
Somehow she was very important to me.
不知怎的，她对我来说非常重要。
She helped me out in a time of trouble.
她在我遇到困难的时候帮助了我。
She used to roll her eyes.
她常常翻白眼。
I'd say something dumb and she'd roll her eyes and get me something I needed, even though she didn't have to.
我会说一些蠢话，她就会翻白眼，给我拿一些我需要的东西，尽管她不必这样做。
Maybe she works in the library, or the county recorder's office, or at the newspaper.
也许她在图书馆、县记录办公室或报社工作。
I think I may have been in love with her.
我想我可能已经爱上她了。
No, she's too young.
不，她太年轻了。
I was never in love with her, not in that way.
我从来没有爱过她，不是以那种方式。
It's just that I wanted something, needed something.
只是我想要一些东西，需要一些东西。
And she was able to give it to me, almost out of the goodness of her heart.
她能够把它给我，几乎是出于她内心的善良。
And now I can't even remember who she is.
现在我什至不记得她是谁了。
I'm sick.
我病了。
I'm old.
我老了。
I should just walk out into traffic and kill myself.
我应该走到车流中自杀。
At home, at night, I go to sleep, searching for the lost memory.
晚上，我在家睡觉，寻找失去的记忆。
Did I meet her down by the river in a canoe, or was it on a ferry in southeastern Alaska, or at the Foreign Correspondents Club in Phnom Penh along the Mekong?
我是在河边的独木舟上遇见她的，还是在阿拉斯加东南部的渡轮上，或者在湄公河沿岸金边的外国记者俱乐部遇见她的？
She has something to do with water, with life, with mud.
她与水、与生命、与泥土有关。
I sleep poorly, turning and maybe even groaning in anguish.
我睡得很不好，翻来覆去，甚至痛苦地呻吟着。
I don't care about the woman anymore.
我已经不关心那个女人了
I'm worried for myself.
我为自己担心。
I feel as if there's a black hole in my brain, and slowly but surely, it's swallowing all the memories of my life.
我感觉我的大脑里好像有一个黑洞，它正在慢慢地但肯定地吞噬着我一生的所有记忆。
I get up at 5:30 and drive to work in the dark.
我5点30分起床，天黑就开车去上班。
I feel terrible.
我感觉很糟糕。
I look like a piece of gum in the gutter.
我看起来就像阴沟里的一块口香糖。
I pull in to Java Joe's to get some chemical help, and there she is behind the drive-up window.
我把车开到贾瓦·乔那里寻求一些化学帮助，她就在汽车窗后面。
I want to tell her I love her, but I don't because it would be too weird.
我想告诉她我爱她，但我没有这样做，因为这太奇怪了。
All I can say is, wow.
我只能说，哇。
And she rolls her eyes and gets me my cup of coffee.
她翻了个白眼，给我倒了杯咖啡。
Scott Carrier in Salt Lake City.
斯科特·开利在盐湖城。
If you haven't heard his podcast yet, it's called Home of the Brave.
如果您还没有听过他的播客，它的名字叫《勇敢者之家》。
(HOST) IRA GLASS: Act Three-- It's Commerce That Brings Us Together.
（主持人）IRA GLASS：第三幕——商业让我们走到了一起。
In 1997, Susan Drury and her husband moved to rural Tennessee, not too far from the Alabama line.
1997 年，苏珊·德鲁里 (Susan Drury) 和她的丈夫搬到田纳西州乡村，距离阿拉巴马州边境线不远。
They grew attached to the local radio station.
他们对当地广播电台产生了浓厚的兴趣。
We couldn't really get any other radio stations at the house, but WKSR has a lot going for it-- the way they read the obituaries on the air, the way people call in during the tornado to tell everybody they're OK and where the roads are flooded, the ads from the same downtown stores over and over and over.
我们在家里找不到任何其他广播电台，但 WKSR 有很多优点——他们在广播中阅读讣告的方式，人们在龙卷风期间打电话告诉每个人他们没事以及道路被洪水淹没的方式，同一市中心商店一遍又一遍地播放广告。
And then there's the show we like best.
然后是我们最喜欢的节目。
Here we go.
开始了。
It's time once again for another edition of Swap and Shop here on WKSR.
又到了 WKSR 上另一版交换和购物的时间了。
Swap and Shop is a low-tech, personable sort of Ebay.
Swap and Shop 是一种低技术含量、风度翩翩的 eBay。
It's not fancy or particularly well-produced or anything.
它并不花哨或制作特别精良或任何东西。
It's just a show where people call in to say what they want to sell or buy or give away.
这只是一个人们打电话来说他们想要出售、购买或赠送什么的节目。
They give their phone number, and that's it.
他们给出了他们的电话号码，仅此而已。
(SUBJECT) RADIO CALLER #1: Good morning, I have a couch for sale I need to advertise.
（主题）无线电呼叫者#1：早上好，我有一张沙发待售，我需要做广告。
OK.
好的。
Radio Caller (SUBJECT) RADIO CALLER #1: It's a Lane recliner couch.
无线电呼叫者（主题） 无线电呼叫者 #1：这是一张 Lane 躺椅沙发。
It's six weeks old.
它已经六周大了。
It listed for $1,140, and I'll sell it for $600.
它的标价为 1,140 美元，我将以 600 美元的价格出售。
We've just got one too many.
我们已经有太多了。
OK, and your phone number?
好的，你的电话号码是多少？
Radio Caller (SUBJECT) RADIO CALLER #1: 468-2524.
无线电呼叫者（主题）无线电呼叫者#1：468-2524。
(SUBJECT) RADIO CALLER #1: Thank you.
（主题）无线电呼叫者 #1：谢谢。
Have a good day.
祝你有美好的一天。
You too.
你也是。
There's a couch for sale at 468-2524.
有沙发出售，电话：468-2524。
The show is hosted by a guy named Don Estep, and he almost never comments on anything people are trying to buy or sell.
该节目由一位名叫唐·埃斯特普的人主持，他几乎从不评论人们试图买卖的任何东西。
He's like a lot of my neighbors, particularly the men.
他就像我的很多邻居，尤其是男人。
The attitude is, your business is your business.
态度是，你的事就是你的事。
There's no shame in tough times, and nobody turns himself inside out to tell you everything.
困难时期并不可耻，没有人会翻身告诉你一切。
(SUBJECT) RADIO CALLER #2: Yes, I have for sale a table and chairs, a microwave, and a washer and a bedroom suite.
（主题）无线电呼叫者#2：是的，我有出售一张桌子和椅子、一台微波炉、一台洗衣机和一间卧室套房。
And I also want to buy a car, a small car.
而且我还想买一辆车，一辆小车。
Mostly you're just left to wonder about the story behind these things.
大多数情况下，你只是想知道这些事情背后的故事。
You don't get too many answers.
你不会得到太多答案。
(SUBJECT) RADIO CALLER #3: Yes, I'd like to buy a used trampoline.
（主题）无线电呼叫者#3：是的，我想买一个二手蹦床。
It doesn't matter what shape it's in or if it even has a tarp on it or not.
它的形状是什么，或者上面是否有防水布都没关系。
And my telephone number is 629--
我的电话号码是629——
Swap and Shop is not unique to this station.
交换和商店并不是这个站独有的。
Local stations across the country have these radio classifieds type shows.
全国各地的地方电台都有这些广播分类节目。
WKSR's version has a regular segment called "The Doggone Show."
WKSR 的版本有一个名为“The Doggone Show”的常规片段。
Folks have found a black, white, and brown young female beagle with a white tip on its tail, and, more than likely, a family pet.
人们发现了一只黑色、白色和棕色的年轻雌性比格犬，尾巴上有一个白色的尖端，而且很可能是家庭宠物。
If you'll call 565-4505-- is that number.
如果您拨打 565-4505——就是这个号码。
Also four cows have been found.
还发现了四头牛。
And you think they might belong to you--
你认为它们可能属于你——
That first winter in our house, we had no heat, which we thought was adventurous, but was, in fact, just cold.
在我们家的第一个冬天，我们没有暖气，我们认为这很冒险，但事实上，只是很冷。
And when we heard a lady call in with an ugly but functional wood stove for sale for $75, we called her.
当我们听到一位女士打电话来，以 75 美元的价格出售一个丑陋但实用的木炉时，我们给她打了电话。
We got it, and we were toasty.
我们得到了它，我们很高兴。
(SUBJECT) RADIO CALLER #4: Hey, Don, that little black and brown and white beagle with the tip on her tail that we found?
（主题）无线电呼叫者#4：嘿，唐，我们发现的那只尾巴尖有尾巴的黑色、棕色和白色的小猎犬？
Well, we lost her, so you can quit advertising-- on Barnett Road.
好吧，我们失去了她，所以你可以停止在巴尼特路做广告了。
On the Barnett Road?
在巴尼特路吗？
Radio Caller (SUBJECT) RADIO CALLER #4: Yeah.
无线电呼叫者（主题） 无线电呼叫者#4：是的。
All right.
好的。
Radio Caller (SUBJECT) RADIO CALLER #4: Thank you.
无线电呼叫者（主题） 无线电呼叫者 #4：谢谢。
Thank you for calling.
感谢您打电话。
Ira Glass Susan Drury, Tennessee.
艾拉·格拉斯 (Ira Glass) 田纳西州苏珊·德鲁里 (Susan Drury)。
(HOST) IRA GLASS: Act Four-- The Sound of One Hand Waving.
（主持人）IRA GLASS：第四幕——一只手挥动的声音。
For this one, let's go to the beach for a one-minute and four-second vacation on Nantucket Island.
这次，我们去楠塔基特岛的海滩度过一分四秒的假期。
[WAVES CRASHING] Patty Martin When we were in the water and we realized we weren't able to get back in, we had some friends that were on the beach.
[海浪汹涌] 帕蒂·马丁 当我们在水中时，我们意识到我们无法返回，我们有一些朋友在海滩上。
And so we started waving to them.
于是我们开始向他们挥手。
We were kind of doing this double-hand wave thing over our heads.
我们就像在头顶上双手挥舞一样。
And our friend just kept waving back.
我们的朋友只是不断向我们挥手。
She was standing and talking to some other people on the beach.
她站在海滩上与其他一些人交谈。
That must have happened two or three times.
这种事肯定发生过两三次了。
And we waved like crazy, and she waved back.
我们疯狂地挥手，她也向我们挥手。
And then when we got on the surfboard later, when the surfer picked us up and we still couldn't get in, we were waving again.
然后当我们后来登上冲浪板时，当冲浪者把我们接起来时，我们仍然无法进入，我们又在挥手。
And again she thought-- we asked her afterwards, why did you think we were waving?
她再次想——我们后来问她，你认为我们为什么在挥手？
She said, we thought you were just trying to show us you were on the surfboard with this guy.
她说，我们以为你只是想告诉我们你和这个家伙一起在冲浪板上。
So I'm like, God, we're waving frantically to tell you what, that we're on a surfboard with some 19-year-old, and we're-- Nobody got it.
所以我想，上帝，我们疯狂地挥手告诉你，我们和一个 19 岁的年轻人在冲浪板上，但我们——没有人明白。
And we were sufficiently panicked.
我们已经足够恐慌了。
And nobody saw anything but a bunch of middle-aged women at Fat Ladies Beach, waving to their friends.
除了胖女人海滩上一群向朋友们挥手的中年妇女外，没有人看到任何其他东西。
Patty Martin from Nantucket.
来自楠塔基特岛的帕蒂·马丁。
She talked to Jim Sulzer.
她与吉姆·苏尔泽交谈。
She has since passed away.
她已经去世了。
(HOST) IRA GLASS: Act Five-- The Sound of No Hands Clapping.
（主持人）IRA GLASS：第五幕——没有拍手的声音。
This one came from Vicki Merrick and Eric Kipp and Jay Allison, who's the voice you hear.
这个声音来自 Vicki Merrick、Eric Kipp 和 Jay Allison，你听到的就是他的声音。
(HOST) IRA GLASS: Act Six-- Reaching Out With Radio.
（主持人）IRA GLASS：第六幕——通过无线电伸出援手。
Blunt Youth Radio is this project where they work with incarcerated teenagers.
Blunt Youth Radio 是一个与被监禁青少年合作的项目。
This story comes from Long Creek Youth Development Center in South Portland, Maine.
这个故事来自缅因州南波特兰的长溪青年发展中心。
And just imagine how this works-- you're a teenager.
想象一下这是如何运作的——你是一个青少年。
You're locked up.
你被锁起来了。
You're in juvenile detention.
你在少年拘留所里。
And this group comes to you and says they will help you make your own radio story on a subject that concerns you.
这个小组来找你并说他们将帮助你就你关心的主题制作自己的广播故事。
What do you do that story about?
你讲这个故事是关于什么的？
Well, here's Joey.
嗯，这是乔伊。
Hi, I'm Joey, and I ate somebody's urine.
嗨，我是乔伊，我吃了某人的尿液。
It all started when I went to dinner at the cafeteria and someone told my friend not to eat the pudding.
这一切都始于我去自助餐厅吃晚饭，有人告诉我的朋友不要吃布丁。
Then my friend told me, after I ate, that someone had peed in it.
然后我朋友告诉我，我吃完后，有人尿在里面了。
I survived that day, but I couldn't stop thinking about it.
那天我活了下来，但我无法停止思考它。
So I went to the cooks to see if they had an answer.
所以我去找厨师，看看他们是否有答案。
This is Joey and Jake.
这是乔伊和杰克。
We're about to see if we can interview Bill Wyman on--
我们要看看是否可以采访比尔·怀曼——
Our food situation.
我们的粮食情况。
Joey --people messing with our food.
乔伊——人们弄乱了我们的食物。
Yeah, we're not too happy.
是的，我们不太高兴。
Joey We're not too happy.
乔伊 我们不太高兴。
Excuse me, Mr. Wyman?
对不起，怀曼先生？
I was wondering if I could interview you and talk to you about people putting-- if it happened-- glass in our pancakes and peeing in the pudding and stuff?
我想知道我是否可以采访你并和你谈谈人们在我们的煎饼里放了玻璃——如果发生了——然后在布丁里撒尿之类的事情？
We was wondering what you had to say about that.
我们想知道你对此有何看法。
They don't.
他们不这样做。
Nobody does that.
没有人这样做。
You kids don't handle the food at all.
你们这些孩子根本不处理食物。
We heard that it was brought up at briefing that somebody put glass in the pancakes.
我们听说在发布会上有人提到有人在煎饼里放了玻璃。
No, that wasn't glass.
不，那不是玻璃。
It was a piece of plastic that came from one of the glasses out there in the dining room that you kids had.
这是一块塑料，来自你们孩子们餐厅里的一个玻璃杯。
Do you know how it got into the pancake batter?
你知道它是如何进入煎饼面糊的吗？
It didn't get into the pancake batter.
它没有进入煎饼面糊中。
It was put in there afterwards.
后来就被放在那里了。
Well, we heard different from other kids.
嗯，我们听到的与其他孩子不同。
You hear different?
你听出来有什么不同吗？
Do you know anything about it?
你知道吗？
We heard that it was-- Bill Wyman Did you two have any idea, whatsoever, what's going on?
我们听说是—— Bill Wyman 你们两个知道发生了什么事吗？
That's why we came to you, to get an idea.
这就是我们来找您寻求想法的原因。
No, that's not why you came to me.
不，这不是你来找我的原因。
You came to me because you thought it was true.
你来找我是因为你认为这是真的。
Yeah, of course.
是的，当然。
If-- Bill Wyman Then you kept it going.
如果——比尔·怀曼（Bill Wyman）那么你就继续下去。
If somebody said that they messed with your food, joking or not, wouldn't you want to know really what happened or not?
如果有人说他们弄乱了你的食物，无论是开玩笑还是不是开玩笑，你难道不想知道到底发生了什么吗？
No, I would totally go with the kitchen, with the kitchen crew, and what you guys have been told.
不，我完全同意厨房、厨房工作人员以及你们被告知的情况。
So you'd believe the kitchen crew over the person?
所以你会相信厨房工作人员而不是这个人吗？
No matter how much credibility you can give them, you'd believe the kitchen crew over them?
不管你给他们多少可信度，你会相信厨房工作人员而不是他们吗？
Even if--
即使——
Of course, because you don't cook the food.
当然，因为你不做饭。
You think it's funny, don't you?
你觉得这很有趣，不是吗？
You really think it's funny.
你真的觉得这很有趣。
Then why are you grinning like a Cheshire cat?
那你为什么笑得像柴郡猫一样？
Because you're going friggin' zero to 10 just because we're asking a bunch of questions.
因为仅仅因为我们问了一堆问题，你就会从零到十。
No, it's what you're asking.
不，这就是你问的。
It's how you're asking the same thing over again.
这就是你再次问同样的事情的方式。
And you're trying to get an answer, which there isn't any answer there.
你试图得到一个答案，但那里没有任何答案。
All right, this is obviously not working.
好吧，这显然是行不通的。
I'm going to have to interview somebody else.
我将不得不采访其他人。
I heard some kid got jumped because he supposedly peed in the pudding.
我听说有一个孩子被跳了起来，因为据说他在布丁里撒尿了。
Supposedly.
据说。
That's the key word right there-- supposedly.
这就是关键词——据说。
We have an investigator, and he investigated the incident.
我们有一名调查员，他调查了这起事件。
And we also had the pudding tested.
我们还测试了布丁。
They took it to an independent laboratory and tested it, and it was proven that there was no foreign matter in that pudding at all.
他们把它带到一个独立的实验室进行测试，结果证明那个布丁里根本没有异物。
Now, perhaps you weren't told that because I don't think you're told everything.
现在，也许你没有被告知这一点，因为我认为你并没有被告知一切。
But it was sad that, because you thought there was, you incited a riot in the dining room and made a big mess that kids had to clean up that had nothing to do with it.
但令人难过的是，因为你以为有，你就在餐厅里煽动骚乱，弄得一团糟，孩子们必须清理，而这与这无关。
I don't know what to think.
我不知道该怎么想。
If someone did contaminate the food with bodily fluids, I guess I'd rather not know since I'm stuck here and I have to eat the food.
如果有人确实用体液污染了食物，我想我宁愿不知道，因为我被困在这里而且我必须吃食物。
Thank you for your time.
感谢您抽出时间。
This is Joey.
这是乔伊。
Joey-- he was 18 when he recorded that story.
乔伊——他录制这个故事时才 18 岁。
His friend Jake was 16.
他的朋友杰克 16 岁。
If you're just tuning in, this is This American Life.
如果您刚刚收听，这就是《美国生活》。
We have tossed out our regular way of doing the show this week-- trashed it, chucked it, spurned it.
这周我们已经抛弃了我们做节目的常规方式——扔掉它，扔掉它，拒绝它。
We laugh at it, we spit on its grave.
我们嘲笑它，我们向它的坟墓吐口水。
And instead, we are bringing you as many short stories as we can fit into 60 minutes.
相反，我们会在 60 分钟内为您带来尽可能多的短篇故事。
It is barely, what, 18 minutes into the show, and already we are at Act Seven, an incredible achievement.
演出刚开始 18 分钟，我们就已经进入第七幕了，这是一项令人难以置信的成就。
(HOST) IRA GLASS: Act Seven-- Up Where the Air is Clear.
（主持人）IRA GLASS：第七幕——在空气清澈的地方。
We have this story from Jonathan Goldstein.
我们有乔纳森·戈德斯坦的故事。
Before he ever moved to Gotham City, before he grew into the overweight, obsessive sad sack of his later years, the Penguin was a poet and a dandy who lived in London.
在他搬到哥谭市之前，在他晚年变得肥胖、痴迷、悲伤之前，企鹅人是一位住在伦敦的诗人和花花公子。
He wrote complex villanelles and threw lavish dinner parties at which he only became more charming the more he drank.
他写了复杂的维拉内尔诗，举办了奢华的晚宴，在晚宴上他喝得越多就越迷人。
He wore a monocle, a top hat, and carried an umbrella.
他戴着单片眼镜，戴着高帽，撑着一把雨伞。
One evening, at one of his dinner parties, after hours spent sipping absinthe, the Penguin ran up to the roof of his building, opened up his large black umbrella, and leaped off into the air.
一天晚上，在他的一次晚宴上，在喝了几个小时的苦艾酒后，企鹅跑到了他的建筑物的屋顶上，打开了他的大黑伞，然后跳到了空中。
As he coasted to the ground, he hollered out lines from Blake, stuff about grabbing life by the fat of its stomach and giving it a twist.
当他滑行到地面时，他大声喊出布莱克的台词，内容是通过腹部的脂肪抓住生命并扭转它。
He was that crazy.
他就是那么疯狂。
He was that bursting with life.
他就是那么充满生命力。
From that night on, he made it his habit to jump off roofs ever higher, while clutching an umbrella.
从那天晚上开始，他就养成了撑着伞从更高的屋顶跳下去的习惯。
After a while, he got pretty good at it, too.
过了一段时间，他也变得很擅长了。
He saw that by kicking his legs and twisting his back a certain way, he could actually prolong his flight, coasting all over the place, sometimes only landing after several daring minutes aloft.
他发现，通过踢腿和以某种方式扭转背部，他实际上可以延长飞行时间，在各处滑行，有时只在高空飞行几分钟后才着陆。
It came to pass that the Penguin started hearing more and more about a certain nanny named Mary Poppins.
事情是这样的，企鹅人开始越来越多地听到关于一位名叫玛丽·波平斯（Mary Poppins）的保姆的消息。
She too, he was told, had been floating around London hanging from an umbrella handle.
他被告知，她也挂在伞柄上漂浮在伦敦各地。
Everywhere he went, the Penguin kept hearing about her, how it was simply insane that they had not met each other yet.
无论他走到哪里，企鹅都不断听说她，他们还没有见面真是太疯狂了。
So finally, a dinner party was arranged by someone who knew them both.
最后，一个认识他们的人安排了一场晚宴。
And on the evening of the party, the Penguin walked into the drawing room, saw Mary Poppins on the divan, doffed his top hat, and bowed low, as was his style in those days.
派对当晚，企鹅人走进客厅，看到沙发上的《欢乐满人间》，脱下大礼帽，深深鞠了一躬，就像他当时的风格一样。
He'd planned a few things to say and do when first meeting Mary Poppins.
当第一次见到玛丽·波平斯时，他计划了一些要说的话和要做的事情。
He thought he might lift up his umbrella as though challenging her to a duel.
他想他可以举起雨伞，就像向她发起决斗一样。
He imagined she would smile and take up her own frilly, perhaps pink, umbrella, and then together, they would dance about the room, leaping over furniture, parrying and thrusting, perhaps even winding things up, breathing heavily nose to nose.
他想象她会微笑着拿起自己的褶边雨伞，也许是粉红色的雨伞，然后一起在房间里跳舞，跳过家具，招架和推挤，甚至可能卷起东西，鼻子对鼻子粗重地呼吸。
Instead what happened was the Penguin became very shy and quiet.
相反，企鹅变得非常害羞和安静。
As he stood there staring at her, his top hat felt needlessly clumsy, his monocle too small for his face.
当他站在那里盯着她时，他的大礼帽感觉不必要地笨拙，他的单片眼镜对于他的脸来说太小了。
And the squinting needed to keep it in place was giving him a slight headache.
需要眯着眼睛才能将其固定到位，这让他有点头疼。
For the first time in his life, the Penguin felt ludicrous.
企鹅有生以来第一次感到可笑。
I imagine you two must have an infinite amount of things to speak of, said their host as he sat them together at the dinner table.
“我想你们两个肯定有说不尽的事情可说，”他们的主人在餐桌上让他们坐在一起时说道。
The Penguin nodded uncertainly.
企鹅不确定地点点头。
After three or four minutes, it became clear that the Penguin and Mary Poppins had absolutely nothing to say to one another that did not deal exclusively with umbrella travel-- getting stuck in trees, the shoulder aches, anxiety about tipping over in the wind.
三四分钟后，很明显，企鹅和欢乐满人间除了伞旅行之外，绝对没有什么可说的——被困在树上、肩膀酸痛、担心在风中翻倒。
Everyone at the table just sat there, staring at them expectantly, which made the whole thing even more awkward.
桌上的所有人都坐在那儿，期待地看着他们，这让整个事情变得更加尴尬。
Trying to move things along, Mary Poppins asked the Penguin if he liked to sing, to which the Penguin responded, only when I'm drunk.
为了推动事情进展，玛丽·波平斯问企鹅是否喜欢唱歌，企鹅回答说，只有当我喝醉的时候。
Then she asked if he enjoyed children, to which he replied, yes, in a sweet wine sauce.
然后她问他是否喜欢孩子，他回答说，是的，喜欢甜酒酱。
The Penguin then asked Mary Poppins how she kept people from looking up her skirt when she flew.
企鹅接着问玛丽·波平斯，当她飞翔时，她是如何让人们不看她的裙子的。
She smiled politely, then turned to the man on her left and asked him how he was enjoying the lamb.
她礼貌地微笑着，然后转向她左边的男人，问他吃羊肉的感觉如何。
The man on her left was wearing an elegant, aristocratic cape.
她左边的男人，穿着一件优雅的贵族斗篷。
Mary, a bit drunk on the sherry, noted that if he spread his cape out, he might be able to glide about like a bat.
玛丽喝了点雪利酒，喝得有点醉，她注意到，如果他展开斗篷，他也许就能像蝙蝠一样滑翔。
The man on her left chuckled and suggested that, after dinner, they head up to the roof and give it a try, which they did.
她左边的男人笑着建议，晚饭后，他们到屋顶上尝试一下，他们就这样做了。
Jonathan Goldstein-- he's the host of the podcast Heavyweight, which feels exactly like this story except the people in it are not fictional.
乔纳森·戈德斯坦（Jonathan Goldstein）——他是播客《重量级》的主持人，这感觉就像这个故事，只是里面的人不是虚构的。
(HOST) IRA GLASS: Act Eight-- the Greatest Dog Name in The World.
（主持人）IRA GLASS：第八幕——世界上最伟大的狗名字。
Yes, we have the true story of its origin.
是的，我们有它起源的真实故事。
Years ago, an exclusive told by two brothers, one of whom is 12, the other is 13.
多年前，有一个12岁、另一个13岁的两兄弟的独家讲述。
I wanted to name him Pasta.
我想给他起名叫意大利面。
I used to like pasta a lot.
我以前非常喜欢面食。
And it was probably the first thing that came to my mind, so out of nowhere, I said Pasta.
这可能是我首先想到的，所以我突然想到了意大利面。
So he said Batman.
所以他说的是蝙蝠侠。
I wanted to name him Batman because I saw, in a movie, the dog stuck his head out the window and his ears went straight up.
我想给他起名叫蝙蝠侠，因为我在电影中看到那只狗把头探出窗外，耳朵直立起来。
And it looked like-- it reminded me of Batman.
它看起来——它让我想起了蝙蝠侠。
I just remember running around and chasing each other.
我只记得四处奔跑、互相追逐。
I was jumping on my mom's bed, saying, Batman, Batman, Batman.
我在妈妈的床上跳来跳去，喊着：蝙蝠侠，蝙蝠侠，蝙蝠侠。
And then my brother was sitting in the chair, saying, Pasta, Pasta, Pasta.
然后我哥哥坐在椅子上，说：意大利面，意大利面，意大利面。
And that must have gone on for an hour.
这肯定持续了一个小时。
I think it was right around the time we had this big fight about gumballs, which I'm not going to get into because it was pretty embarrassing.
我想就在我们为口香糖问题发生了一场大争执的时候，我不会介入，因为这非常尴尬。
But if there was just some little thing that we couldn't agree on, then it would just blew up into this whole big thing.
但如果只是一些小事我们无法达成一致，那么它就会变成整个大事。
Yeah, I remember being pretty upset about it.
是的，我记得我对此感到非常沮丧。
And then my mom comes in and says, all right, that's it.
然后我妈妈进来说，好吧，就这样了。
It's over.
结束了。
It's Pasta Batman.
这是意大利面蝙蝠侠。
That's it.
就是这样。
And then there was silence.
然后就是一片寂静。
And then from there, he was Pasta Batman Lotze.
从那时起，他就成了意大利面蝙蝠侠洛兹。
Pasta.
面食。
[CLAPS] Come on, Pasta Batman.
[鼓掌]来吧，意大利面蝙蝠侠。
Pasta, here.
面食，这里。
Pasta Batman.
蝙蝠侠意大利面。
Hey, good doggie.
嘿，好小狗。
Their names?
他们的名字？
Valion and Paris Lotze, age 12 and 13.
Valion 和 Paris Lotze，分别为 12 岁和 13 岁。
They spoke with Katia Dunn.
他们与卡蒂亚·邓恩进行了交谈。
(HOST) IRA GLASS: Act Nine-- Of Dogs and Men.
（主持人）IRA GLASS：第九幕——狗与人。
Elaine Boehm used to work at a pet shop.
伊莱恩·博姆 (Elaine Boehm) 曾在一家宠物店工作。
We've had to help people select items for their animals.
我们必须帮助人们为他们的动物选择物品。
And this woman and her husband came in.
这个女人和她的丈夫进来了。
She was looking for a training collar, the pinch collar type.
她正在寻找一种训练项圈，即捏领类型。
And, of course, they're pretty hideous looking, but they do do the job.
当然，它们看起来相当丑陋，但它们确实能完成工作。
And they don't hurt the animal, they just get the animal's attention.
它们不会伤害动物，只是引起动物的注意。
Well, she couldn't make up her mind what size to get.
好吧，她拿不定主意要买什么尺寸。
So she looked over to her husband and she said, dear, come over here.
于是她看着她的丈夫，说，亲爱的，过来一下。
And then she looked at me and she said, his neck is about the same size as the dog.
然后她看着我说，他的脖子和狗差不多大。
Put this on, she says.
穿上这个，她说。
And the guy stood there and took it as she puts the prong pinch collar around his neck.
当她把尖头项圈套在他脖子上时，那家伙站在那里接过它。
And she gives him a yank.
她猛地拉了他一下。
[LAUGHTER] Elaine Boehm And he says, yes, sweetheart, this works.
[笑声] Elaine Boehm 他说，是的，亲爱的，这有效。
This works.
这有效。
Thank you very much.
非常感谢。
That was the end of that.
事情就这样结束了。
[BIRDS CHIRPING] Ira Glass Elaine Boehm talked with Jim Sulzer.
[鸟鸣声] Ira Glass Elaine Boehm 与 Jim Sulzer 交谈。
(HOST) IRA GLASS: Act 10-- so let's close out this part of our show before the break with a story from the theater group that gave us the idea for today's jam-packed little program in the first place-- that group, again, the Neo-Futurists.
（主持人）艾拉·格拉斯（IRA GLASS）：第 10 幕——所以，让我们在中场休息前用剧团的故事来结束这部分节目，这个剧团首先给了我们今天这个内容丰富的小节目的想法——这个剧团，又是新未来主义者。
Every single week for over two decades, they did these shows where they would perform 30 plays in 60 minutes.
二十多年来，他们每周都会进行这样的演出，在 60 分钟内表演 30 部戏剧。
Turns out you can get across a surprising amount in a two-minute play.
事实证明，你可以在两分钟的游戏中获得惊人的数量。
Some of their plays are monologues, some of them are scenes.
他们的戏剧有些是独白，有些是场景。
But a lot of them just take some simple concept, one idea, and then spin that concept out on stage for two minutes.
但他们中的很多人只是采取一些简单的概念，一个想法，然后在舞台上用两分钟的时间将这个概念阐述出来。
This one's like that.
这个就是这样的。
Statement, statement, statement-- question?
陈述，陈述，陈述——问题？
Agreement.
协议。
Greg Allen Reassured statement, confident statement, confident statement.
格雷格·艾伦 放心的声明，自信的声明，自信的声明。
Overconfident statement.
过于自信的说法。
Question?
问题？
Greg Allen Elaborate defensive excuse.
格雷格·艾伦精心设计的防守借口。
[LAUGHTER] Heather Riordan Half-hearted agreement.
[笑声] Heather Riordan 半心半意的同意。
Insecure statement, distracted statement, absurd statement.
不安全的陈述、心不在焉的陈述、荒谬的陈述。
Clarification question?
澄清问题？
Greg Allen Panicked [BLEEP] explanation!
格雷格·艾伦惊慌[BLEEP]解释！
Quick, meaningless comic non-sequitur.
快速、毫无意义的喜剧不合逻辑。
[LAUGHING] Laughter.
[笑]笑声。
Greg Allen [LAUGHS] Fake laughter, fake laughter.
格雷格·艾伦（笑）假笑，假笑。
[LAUGHTER] Accidental compliment of physical characteristics.
[笑声] 对身体特征的意外赞美。
Pleased response.
高兴的回应。
Greg Allen [GASPS] Shocked continuation of meaningless comic non-sequitur.
格雷格·艾伦 [喘息]毫无意义的喜剧不合逻辑的令人震惊的延续。
[LAUGHING] Laughter.
[笑]笑声。
Greg Allen [LAUGHING] Relieved laughter.
格雷格·艾伦（笑）松了一口气。
Superficial compliment.
肤浅的赞美。
Greg Allen Self-assured agreement as denial.
格雷格·艾伦 自信的同意即是否认。
Exaggerated statement, exaggerated statement, grossly exaggerated statement.
夸张的说法，夸张的说法，严重夸张的说法。
Clarification question?
澄清问题？
Greg Allen Extremely exaggerated elucidation.
格雷格·艾伦 极其夸张的解释。
Mental compliment with accidental double entendre.
心理上的赞美，意外的双关语。
Embarrassed laughter.
尴尬的笑声。
Greg Allen Confident suggestive proposition.
格雷格·艾伦 自信的暗示性命题。
Violent denial!
暴力否认！
Greg Allen Aghast repetition as question?
格雷格·艾伦（Greg Allen）惊愕地重复作为问题？
Disgusted violent denial.
厌恶的暴力否认。
Greg Allen Defensive incriminating implication.
格雷格·艾伦防守有罪暗示。
Offended retort.
冒犯反驳。
Greg Allen Aggressive childish insult.
格雷格·艾伦 咄咄逼人的幼稚侮辱。
Aggressive childish insult.
带有攻击性的幼稚侮辱。
Heather Riordan Stunned silence.
Heather Riordan 震惊的沉默。
Aggressive childish insult.
带有攻击性的幼稚侮辱。
Heather Riordan Defensive childish response!
希瑟·赖尔丹 (Heather Riordan) 防守幼稚的反应！
Aggressive childish insult!
幼稚的攻击性侮辱！
Heather Riordan Defensive childish response!
希瑟·赖尔丹 (Heather Riordan) 防守幼稚的反应！
Aggressive childish-- Heather Riordan Defensive childish--
进攻性幼稚——Heather Riordan 防御性幼稚——
Attempted condescending conclusive statement.
试图居高临下的结论性陈述。
Brilliant scathing remark with literary allusion and long-term devastating scatological implication.
精辟的尖刻言论，带有文学典故和长期毁灭性的污秽含义。
[APPLAUSE] Ira Glass Greg Allen and Heather Riordan from Too Much Light Makes the Baby Go Blind: 30 Plays in 60 Minutes, which ran every weekend in Chicago for 28 years until it ended its run in 2016.
[掌声] 艾拉·格拉斯 (Ira Glass) 格雷格·艾伦 (Greg Allen) 和希瑟·赖尔丹 (Heather Riordan) 主演的《光线太强，婴儿失明：60 分钟内播放 30 场戏》在芝加哥每周周末上演，持续了 28 年，直到 2016 年结束。
The Neo-Futurists have a new show, which also features lots of little two-minute plays.
新未来主义者有一个新节目，其中还有很多两分钟的小戏剧。
It is called The Infinite Wrench.
它的名字叫《无限扳手》。
Their website-- neo-futurists.org.
他们的网站——neo-futurists.org。
Coming up, David Sedaris on an important-- and I have to say-- undiscussed question about cell phone use, and so many, so many other little stories, I don't even want to count them, in a minute from Chicago Public Radio when our program continues.
接下来，大卫·塞达里斯（David Sedaris）将在我们的节目继续进行时，在芝加哥公共广播电台的一分钟内讲述一个重要的——我不得不说——关于手机使用的未被讨论的问题，以及很多很多其他的小故事，我什至不想数它们。
(HOST) IRA GLASS: Well, this is turning out to be an interesting show, isn't it?
（主持人）IRA GLASS：嗯，这真是一个有趣的节目，不是吗？
It's This American Life.
这就是美国生活。
I'm Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯。
And if you're just tuning in, this week we are throwing out our regular way of doing things-- you know, three or four stories on some theme, blah, blah, blah.
如果你刚刚收看，本周我们将抛弃我们常规的做事方式——你知道，关于某个主题的三四个故事，等等，等等。
To hell with all that.
让这一切见鬼去吧。
Instead, we are trying to cram as many stories into one hour as we humanly can.
相反，我们试图在一小时内塞满尽可能多的故事。
We guarantee 20.
我们保证20个。
There may be more.
可能还有更多。
We are at number 11, Etiquette Lesson.
我们现在在 11 号，礼仪课。
Here's writer David Sedaris.
请听作家大卫·塞达里斯的报道。
In a men's room at LaGuardia Airport, I watched a man take his cell phone from his jacket pocket, step into an empty stall, and proceed to dial.
在拉瓜迪亚机场的男洗手间里，我看到一名男子从夹克口袋里拿出手机，走进一个空的隔间，然后开始拨号。
I thought he had come for the relative privacy, but looking through the space beneath the door, I saw that his pants were gathered about his ankles.
我以为他是为了相对隐私而来，但透过门下的空间，我看到他的裤子卷在脚踝处。
He was sitting on the toilet.
他坐在马桶上。
Most airport calls began with geography.
大多数机场呼叫都是从地理开始的。
I'm in Kansas City, people say.
人们说，我在堪萨斯城。
I'm in Houston.
我在休斯顿。
I'm at Kennedy.
我在肯尼迪。
When asked where he was, the man on the phone said simply, I'm at the airport.
当被问到他在哪里时，电话那头的人简单地说，我在机场。
What do you think?
你怎么认为？
The sounds of a public toilet are not the sounds you would generally associate with an airport, and so his 'what do you think' struck me as unfair.
公共厕所的声音并不是你通常会联想到机场的声音，所以他的“你觉得怎么样”让我觉得不公平。
The person he was talking to obviously felt the same way.
和他说话的人显然也有同样的感觉。
What do you mean what airport, the man said.
“什么机场？”那人说。
I'm at LaGuardia.
我在拉瓜迪亚机场。
Now put me through to Marty.
现在请帮我接通马蒂。
A few hours later, I was in Boston relating the story to my sister, Tiffany.
几个小时后，我在波士顿向我的妹妹蒂芙尼讲述了这个故事。
I mean, he actually placed a call while sitting on the toilet.
我是说，他实际上是坐在马桶上打电话的。
Tiffany is big on rules, and so I expected a certain degree of outrage.
蒂芙尼非常注重规则，所以我预计会引起一定程度的愤怒。
I wanted disgust, but instead, she said only, I don't believe in cell phones.
我想要厌恶，但相反，她只说，我不相信手机。
But you do believe in talking on the phone while sitting on the toilet?
但你确实相信坐在马桶上打电话吗？
Well, it's not a belief, she said, but I mean, sure.
嗯，这不是一种信仰，她说，但我的意思是，当然。
When asked how she explains the noise, Tiffany scrunched up her face and held an imaginary receiver to her mouth.
当被问及如何解释这种噪音时，蒂芙尼皱起脸，将一个想象中的接收器放在嘴边。
I say, (STRAINING) don't mind me, I'm just trying to get the lid off this jar.
我说，（紧张）别介意我，我只是想打开这个罐子的盖子。
Her face returned to normal and I thought of all the times I had fallen for that line, all the times I had pictured my sister standing helpless in her kitchen.
她的脸色恢复正常，我想起了我每次都陷入那句话，每次我想象我姐姐无助地站在厨房里。
Try tapping the lid against the countertop, I'd said, or rinse it in hot water, that sometimes works.
我说过，尝试用盖子敲击台面，或者用热水冲洗，有时会有效。
Eventually, after much struggle, she would let out a breath.
经过一番挣扎，她终于松了一口气。
There we go, she'd say.
我们开始吧，她会说。
I've got it now.
我现在已经拿到了。
And then she would say thank you.
然后她会说谢谢。
And I'd hang up thinking, well, it's a good thing she called me.
挂断电话后我会想，好吧，她给我打电话真是件好事。
David Sedaris.
大卫·塞达里斯。
His new book Calypso comes out this May.
他的新书 Calypso 今年五月出版。
(HOST) IRA GLASS: Act 12-- To Tell the Truth.
（主持人）IRA GLASS：第 12 幕——说实话。
This was recorded by Brent Runyon in the kids' section of the public library.
这是布伦特·鲁尼恩 (Brent Runyon) 在公共图书馆儿童区录制的。
My parents punish me so many times because I lie.
因为我撒谎，我的父母惩罚了我很多次。
[LAUGHTER] Well, I was home one day and I tripped over my brother-- well, OK, don't tell anybody this.
[笑声] 好吧，有一天我回到家，被我弟弟绊倒了——好吧，别告诉任何人这件事。
I jumped over my brother's chair.
我跳过了哥哥的椅子。
I jumped--
我跳了起来——
You lied to me?
你骗我了？
Kid 1 I told you I jumped.
孩子 1 我告诉过你我跳了。
No, you didn't.
不，你没有。
Kid 1 I told you the first day I got my crutches.
孩子 1 我拿到拐杖的第一天就告诉过你了。
(HOST) IRA GLASS: Act 13-- More Lies.
（主持人）IRA GLASS：第 13 幕——更多谎言。
This happened to Catherine and her husband John long before they were married, back before they graduated from college.
凯瑟琳和她的丈夫约翰早在结婚之前，大学毕业之前就发生了这种情况。
Girls babysit a lot and boys don't.
女孩经常照顾孩子，而男孩则不然。
And girls understand that, when you babysit, part of the deal is that you get to eat anything you want.
女孩们都明白，当你照顾孩子时，你可以吃任何你想吃的东西。
So after we'd put the kids to bed, I said, well, we should go see what they have to eat.
所以在我们让孩子们上床睡觉后，我说，好吧，我们应该去看看他们要吃什么。
And he said, we can't eat their food.
他说，我们不能吃他们的食物。
And I said, of course we can eat their food.
我说，我们当然可以吃他们的食物。
What do you mean?
你是什么意思？
And he said, that's stealing.
他说，那是偷窃。
I said, John, I promise you, it's fine to eat something.
我说，约翰，我向你保证，吃点东西就可以了。
They expect us to.
他们希望我们这么做。
They understand that-- they don't expect us to starve while we're babysitting.
他们明白这一点——他们不希望我们在照顾孩子时挨饿。
And finally, he said, well, we can eat something, but only something they won't miss.
最后，他说，好吧，我们可以吃点东西，但只能吃一些他们不会错过的东西。
And they had a huge crate full of grapefruits, and they also had cans and cans of black beans.
他们有一个装满葡萄柚的大箱子，还有一罐又一罐的黑豆。
[LAUGHS] Catherine [LAUGHS] So I had half a grapefruit.
[笑]凯瑟琳[笑]所以我吃了半个葡萄柚。
And John opened up a can of black beans and had that.
约翰打开一罐黑豆并吃了它。
And then I wrapped up the other half of the grapefruit.
然后我把另一半柚子包起来。
And John cleaned-- well, rinsed out and dried off the empty can of black beans.
约翰清理了——嗯，冲洗并擦干了空的黑豆罐头。
And we put the wrapped-up half a grapefruit and the cleaned out can of black beans in his bag.
我们把包好的半个柚子和洗干净的黑豆罐头放进了他的包里。
[LAUGHING] So that people wouldn't know that you had eaten anything?
[笑]这样人们就不会知道你吃了任何东西？
We had destroyed the evidence.
我们已经销毁了证据。
And this--
还有这个——
At his insistence?
在他的坚持下？
Catherine Yes, it was absurd.
凯瑟琳 是的，这很荒谬。
And then we watched TV, our hunger satisfied.
然后我们就看电视，满足了我们的饥饿感。
And then the couple came home, and we made small talk.
然后这对夫妇回家了，我们闲聊了几句。
And then John picked up his bag in the hallway and there was a sort of dull thud, and half the grapefruit fell out on the floor.
然后约翰在走廊里拿起他的包，发出一声沉闷的撞击声，一半的柚子掉到了地板上。
And I said, oh, that's mine.
我说，哦，那是我的。
I'm sorry, I-- uh, we're allowed to take a piece of fruit from the dining hall.
抱歉，我——呃，我们可以从餐厅拿一块水果。
And I had taken that grapefruit from the dining hall, and that's why I have it here.
我从餐厅拿了柚子，所以我把它放在这里。
And then they sort of said, oh, OK, OK, that's nice.
然后他们就说，哦，好吧，好吧，那很好。
And then I put it back in John's bag.
然后我把它放回约翰的包里。
And then John picked up his bag again, and there was-- you guessed it-- a clang.
然后约翰再次拿起他的包，然后——你猜对了——一声叮当声。
And clanging out onto the floor went this empty can of black beans.
这罐空黑豆叮当作响地落在地板上。
And when the can fell out on the floor, John said, oh, that's mine.
当罐子掉到地板上时，约翰说，哦，那是我的。
I keep change in that.
我在这方面不断改变。
Like, I keep change-- [LAUGHS] as if that was less insane.
就像，我一直在找零钱——[笑]好像这不那么疯狂。
(HOST) IRA GLASS: Act 14-- Call in Colonel Mustard For Questioning, Or That's What Happens If You Don't Use a Condiment, Kids.
（主持人）IRA GLASS：第 14 幕——叫来芥末上校询问，否则孩子们，如果你不使用调味品就会发生这种情况。
See all the stupid jokes that you end up telling if you have a story that takes place in a hot dog factory about hot dogs?
如果您有一个发生在热狗工厂的关于热狗的故事，您是否看到了您最终讲出的所有愚蠢笑话？
Here we go.
开始了。
My name is Jim Bodman and I'm the chairman of the Vienna Sausage Company in Chicago.
我叫吉姆·博德曼，是芝加哥维也纳香肠公司的董事长。
And the building that we are currently standing in, which is on the north side of Chicago, on Damen near the corner of Fullerton, was built around 1970.
我们现在所在的大楼位于芝加哥北侧，富勒顿角附近的达门，建于 1970 年左右。
This hot dog plant, Jim Bodman says, replaced the company's original facility.
吉姆·博德曼说，这家热狗工厂取代了公司原来的工厂。
So it was put together in a Rube Goldberg kind of arrangement.
所以它是以鲁布·戈德堡（Rube Goldberg）的方式组合在一起的。
So we moved into this building.
所以我们搬进了这座大楼。
And this was a brand new, state of the art, stainless steel, refrigeration is perfect, spit clean building.
这是一座全新的、最先进的、不锈钢的、制冷完美、干净的建筑。
And we started making our natural, old-world hickory smoked, natural-casing hot dogs here.
我们开始在这里制作天然的旧世界山核桃熏制的天然肠衣热狗。
And it wasn't as good.
但情况并没有那么好。
They tasted OK, he says, but they didn't have the right snap when you bit into them.
他说，它们尝起来还不错，但咬下去时却没有正确的口感。
And even worse, the color was wrong.
更糟糕的是，颜色不对。
The hot dogs were all pink instead of bright red.
热狗都是粉红色的，而不是鲜红色的。
So they tried to figure out what was wrong.
所以他们试图找出问题所在。
The ingredients were all the same, the spices were all the same, the process was all the same.
成分都是一样的，香料都是一样的，过程也是一样的。
Maybe it was the temperature in the smokehouse.
也许是烟房里的温度的原因。
Maybe the water on the north side of Chicago wasn't the same as the water on the South side.
也许芝加哥北侧的水与南侧的水不一样。
They searched.
他们进行了搜索。
They searched for a year and a half.
他们寻找了一年半的时间。
Nothing checked out.
什么也没检查出来。
Then one night, a bunch of guys from the plant are out having a drink, gabbing about the good old days, back in the old plant on Maxwell Street.
有一天晚上，工厂里的一群人回到麦克斯韦街的老工厂里出去喝酒，闲聊着过去的美好时光。
They start talking about this guy named Irving, one of those guys who knows everybody in the plant, has nicknames for everybody.
他们开始谈论这个名叫欧文的人，他是工厂里认识每个人的人之一，每个人都有昵称。
And listen to what Irving's job was.
听听欧文的工作是什么。
Every day, he would weave his way with the uncooked sausages through the maze of passageways in the old plant.
每天，他都会带着生香肠穿过老工厂迷宫般的通道。
He would go through the hanging vents.
他会穿过悬挂的通风口。
That's where we hang the pastrami pieces, and it's quite warm.
那是我们挂熏牛肉片的地方，而且非常温暖。
And he would go through the boiler room, where we produced all the energy for the plant.
他会穿过锅炉房，我们在那里生产工厂的所有能源。
He would go next to the tanks where we cook the corned beef, finally get around the corner, and in some cases, actually go up an elevator.
他会走到我们煮咸牛肉的水箱旁边，最后绕过拐角处，在某些情况下，实际上会乘电梯上去。
And then he would be at the smokehouse.
然后他就会去烟房。
He would put it in the smokehouse and he would cook it.
他会把它放在熏房里然后煮。
And as they were telling stories about Irving-- Irving this, Irving that-- a light bulb goes off.
当他们讲述关于欧文的故事时——欧文这个，欧文那个——一个灯泡熄灭了。
In the fancy new modern plant, there was no Irving.
在这座豪华的现代化新工厂里，没有欧文。
Irving didn't want to commute to the north side.
欧文不想去北边上班。
There was no maze of hallways.
没有迷宫般的走廊。
There was no half-hour trip where the sausage would get warm before they would cook it.
没有半小时的路程，香肠会在煮之前变热。
In the new plant, they just stuffed the sausages in a cold room and cooked them in a smokehouse in the room next door to it.
在新工厂里，他们只是把香肠塞进冷藏室，然后在隔壁房间的熏制室里煮熟。
Irving's trip was the secret ingredient that made the dogs red.
欧文的旅行是让狗狗们脸红的秘密因素。
So secret, even the guys who ran the plant didn't know about it.
如此秘密，连工厂的负责人都不知道。
So we said, oh, my God, that is, of course, the reason.
所以我们说，天哪，这当然是原因。
Why didn't we know that?
为什么我们不知道呢？
That's the dumbest thing in the world to not realize.
没有意识到这一点是世界上最愚蠢的事情。
It's right there.
它就在那里。
How do we fix it?
我们该如何解决它？
And the solution to the problem was the room that we're standing in right now.
问题的解决方案就是我们现在所在的房间。
And this was a new addition put onto the plant about two years after we built the facility.
这是我们在工厂建成两年后新增的设施。
This whole room-- the outside bearing wall is that wall right there.
整个房间——外面的承重墙就是那里的那堵墙。
We put this whole room on.
我们把整个房间都装上了。
And in this room, we emulate the old area of the old plant.
在这个房间里，我们模仿了老厂房的老区域。
And so this room, essentially, is to simulate Irving?
所以这个房间本质上是为了模拟欧文？
That's exactly right.
完全正确。
We should have called it Irving-- Irving's Corner.
我们应该把它称为欧文——欧文角。
It's warm in Irving's corner, and it smells nice, too-- smoky, like hickory smoke and spices.
欧文的角落里很温暖，闻起来也很香——烟熏味，像山核桃烟和香料。
Since I first heard this story years ago on a tour of this very plant, I found myself telling it now and then.
自从几年前我在参观这家工厂时第一次听到这个故事以来，我发现自己时不时地讲述它。
I think that what I love about it is the fact that these guys at the factory had done everything right-- finally built their dream factory with the best equipment and expertise that money could buy.
我认为我之所以喜欢它，是因为工厂里的这些人做了所有正确的事情——最终用金钱可以买到的最好的设备和专业知识建造了他们的梦想工厂。
But you can't think of everything.
但你不可能想到一切。
Sometimes you have no idea why you were a success in the first place.
有时你根本不知道自己为什么能成功。
(HOST) IRA GLASS: Act 15-- Mr. Prediction.
（主持人）IRA GLASS：第 15 幕——预测先生。
In the mid-1980s, right out of college, David Rakoff moved to Japan and pretty soon ended up in this office job where he was convinced that he understood a secret about the company and its business that nobody else, not even the big bosses at the company, could see.
20 世纪 80 年代中期，大学刚毕业，大卫·拉考夫 (David Rakoff) 搬到了日本，很快就找到了这份办公室工作，他确信自己了解了有关公司及其业务的一个秘密，而其他人，甚至公司的大老板都看不到这个秘密。
It was like that from the start.
从一开始就是这样。
Primarily, the office was an advertising agency.
该办公室最初是一家广告公司。
But what they were setting up was this thing for expatriates who were living in Tokyo at the time, or perhaps all of Japan.
但他们正在为当时居住在东京或全日本的外籍人士设立这个项目。
And it was like a network on a computer.
它就像计算机上的网络。
And they would set up a newsletter on the network, and people could quote, "log on" to the computer and talk to one another, or do research.
他们会在网络上建立一份时事通讯，人们可以引用、“登录”到计算机上并相互交谈或进行研究。
And I was just-- I don't know, I just looked around the room and I saw these computers and could only think, what kind of loser would log on to a computer, talk to someone?
我只是——我不知道，我环视了房间，看到了这些电脑，我只能想，什么样的失败者会登录电脑，与某人交谈？
Then, in fact, that night in my diary, I had written something like, this is like those comic book enthusiasts who actually read the little instructions at the bottom of the panel that said, for more on the Green Goblin, check out Spidey #137, from the editor.
然后，事实上，那天晚上我在日记中写了类似的话，就像那些漫画书爱好者实际上阅读了面板底部的小说明，上面写着，有关绿魔的更多信息，请查看编辑的蜘蛛侠 #137。
[LAUGHS] David Rakoff And in almost the only moment of decisiveness in my entire adult life-- I've certainly never equaled this-- I went in the next morning and I quit.
[笑] 大卫·拉科夫 (David Rakoff) 在我整个成年生活中几乎唯一一个果断的时刻——我当然从未有过这样的经历——第二天早上我就辞职了。
And all I could think was, sayonara, suckers.
我所能想到的就是，再见，傻瓜。
Good luck with your network.
祝你的网络好运。
And we know exactly what the network was.
我们确切地知道网络是什么。
It was the internet.
这是互联网。
I have a negative capacity to identify trends.
我识别趋势的能力为负。
Like, when in college, I went to see Madonna at Danceteria, which was a club downtown, in like 1982 or whatever.
就像，在大学的时候，我去 Danceteria 去看麦当娜，那是市中心的一个俱乐部，大概是 1982 年左右的时候。
And I thought, boy, is she lousy.
我想，天啊，她是不是很糟糕？
Are there other examples besides Madonna and the internet?
除了麦当娜和互联网之外还有其他例子吗？
Other than Madonna and the internet, you need another example?
除了麦当娜和互联网之外，你还需要另一个例子吗？
When I was an editorial assistant working in publishing, I was handed a manuscript to read.
当我在出版业担任编辑助理时，有人递给我一份手稿供我阅读。
I think I wrote something like, sub-literate, borderline misogyny, an easy pass.
我想我写了一些类似文盲、近乎厌女症的东西，很简单。
And somebody thought, I'm just going to take a look at this anyway.
有人想，无论如何我都要看看这个。
It was Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.
这是《男人来自火星，女人来自金星》。
[LAUGHS] David Rakoff These are not like me saying, I don't think Alicia Silverstone is going to be very good in Clueless.
[笑]大卫·拉科夫 这些并不像我说的那样，我不认为艾丽西亚·席尔维斯通在《独领风骚》中表现得不会很好。
I mean, these are like--
我的意思是，这些就像——
Pretty big, iconic ones.
相当大，标志性的。
David Rakoff Yeah.
大卫·拉考夫 是的。
It was like, have you fellows heard that crazy lunatic in the market place inveighing against the Pharisees?
就好像，你们听说过市场上那个疯狂的疯子对法利赛人的猛烈攻击吗？
He'll burn off like so much morning fog.
他会像晨雾一样燃烧殆尽。
We'll never hear about him ever again.
我们再也不会听到他的消息了。
It's just like that.
就是这样。
David Rakoff-- the final book that he wrote before he died in 2012 is a book I just love.
David Rakoff——他在 2012 年去世前写的最后一本书是我非常喜欢的一本书。
It's a novel in rhymed couplets-- Love, Dishonor, Marry, Die, Cherish, Perish: A Novel by David Rakoff.
这是一部押韵对句小说——《爱、耻辱、结婚、死亡、珍惜、灭亡：大卫·拉考夫的小说》。
(HOST) IRA GLASS: You're listening to This American Life, where today, it is all about speed.
（主持人）IRA GLASS：您正在听《This American Life》，今天，一切都与速度有关。
We are, what, 43 minutes into the program and we have already finished 15 acts?
我们，什么，节目进行了 43 分钟，我们已经完成了 15 幕？
And this brings us to Act 16-- That One Guy at the Office.
这就把我们带到了第 16 幕——办公室里的那个人。
So if you work at a big office, you know that there's always at least one person whose name you do not know.
因此，如果您在一间大办公室工作，您就会知道总有至少一个人您不知道名字。
In Jordana's office, Matt is that guy for, perhaps, as best as anybody can figure, half the people who work there.
在乔丹娜的办公室里，马特可能是该办公室一半员工的负责人。
Jordana will tell you about it.
乔丹娜会告诉你这件事。
[PRINTER PRINTING] Jordana Gustafson Matt Ostrower sits next to the printer in the busiest hallway at our office.
[打印机打印] Jordana Gustafson Matt Ostrower 在我们办公室最繁忙的走廊里坐在打印机旁边。
People walk by him dozens of times a week on their way to retrieve printouts.
人们每周都会从他身边走过数十次，去取回打印件。
And though he actually works in the New Media department and has nothing to do with the printer, most people don't know this.
尽管他实际上在新媒体部门工作，与打印机无关，但大多数人并不知道这一点。
It's his sad fate that most of his conversations at work are about one thing.
他的悲惨命运是，他在工作中的大部分谈话都在谈论一件事。
Originally a lot of them were printer-based-- why is this printer taking so long?
本来很多都是基于打印机的——为什么这台打印机要花这么长时间？
Oh, the paper's out.
哦，纸已经出来了。
Oh, this printer jammed.
哦，这台打印机卡住了。
Some of it's never really left that genre of conversation.
其中一些内容从未真正离开过这种类型的对话。
They don't really spend too much-- so a lot of it's just very superficial.
他们实际上并没有花太多钱——所以很多都是非常肤浅的。
Hey, did you just throw away any printouts here?
嘿，你刚刚把打印出来的东西扔在这里了吗？
I'd been working in the office a few months when, one day, a friend called me and said he was hanging out with one of my coworkers who lives in his building.
我在办公室工作了几个月，有一天，一位朋友打电话给我，说他正在和住在他大楼里的一位同事出去玩。
Who, I asked?
我问谁？
Matt, he said.
马特，他说。
I had no idea who that was and said so.
我不知道那人是谁，所以就这么说了。
Then I heard a voice in the background say, tell her I sit next to the printer.
然后我听到背景中有一个声音说，告诉她我坐在打印机旁边。
And that's when his predicament hit me.
就在那时，他的困境击中了我。
So I decided to survey my coworkers to see if they knew who he is, what his real job is.
所以我决定调查我的同事，看看他们是否知道他是谁，他真正的工作是什么。
Do they even know his name?
他们甚至知道他的名字吗？
No, I mean, I know his face very well.
不，我是说，我非常了解他的脸。
I stop, I chat.
我停下来，我聊天。
I say, 'hi, how are you' as I'm grabbing things off the printer.
我边说“嗨，你好吗”，边从打印机上拿东西。
I ask him about his little electronic music devices and all that, and we chitchat.
我向他询问了他的小型电子音乐设备之类的事情，然后我们聊了起来。
And I'd say I do that probably about three or four times a day at least.
我想说我每天至少会这样做三到四次。
But I have no idea what his name is.
但我不知道他叫什么名字。
I wondered if Matt was at all surprised by this.
我想知道马特对此是否感到惊讶。
Shocked.
震惊。
I honestly see him between 50 and 75 times a day-- different intervals of time-- at least that, every day.
老实说，我每天见到他 50 到 75 次——不同的时间间隔——至少每天都是这样。
Every single day.
每一天。
I'm wondering if you know the name of the guy that sits right out here in the hallway?
我想知道你是否知道坐在走廊里的那个人的名字？
Is his name-- I don't know.
他叫什么名字——我不知道。
Works on the web, right?
在网络上工作，对吧？
Kind of?
有点儿？
And Matt's response?
马特的反应呢？
Matt Ostrower I'm a little surprised because I see her every day as well.
马特·奥斯特罗尔（Matt Ostrower） 我有点惊讶，因为我也每天见到她。
I'm wondering if you know the name of the guy that sits in the hallway next to the printer.
我想知道你是否知道坐在走廊打印机旁边的那个人的名字。
I don't see anybody sitting in the hallway next to the printer.
我没有看到有人坐在走廊里打印机旁边。
I didn't think we had anybody sitting next to the printer.
我不认为我们有人坐在打印机旁边。
I've never had this kind of experience before.
我以前从未有过这样的经历。
The whole situation is just ridiculous-- that I've been here for a year and a half, pretty much every day, and there's still people who don't know my name or what I do.
整个情况真是荒谬——我在这里已经一年半了，几乎每天都在这里，但仍然有人不知道我的名字或我做什么。
And it's a little bit weird.
这有点奇怪。
I could go through a pretty full day without talking to anyone besides the requests from the printer.
除了打印机的要求之外，我可以度过一整天，不与任何人交谈。
Sometimes that's it for me.
有时这对我来说就是这样。
[CHUCKLES]
[笑声]
Jordana Gustafson Matt says the printer shows up in his dreams sometimes.
乔丹娜·古斯塔夫森·马特说，打印机有时会出现在他的梦中。
In his dreams, he'll be at a party waiting in line for the bathroom, or at a parking lot at the beach, people everywhere.
在他的梦中，他会在一个聚会上排队等待上厕所，或者在海滩的停车场，到处都是人。
And there will be the printer, off to the side, chugging away, occasionally jamming.
打印机会放在一边，嘎嘎作响，偶尔会卡纸。
Jordana Gustafson in Boston.
乔丹娜·古斯塔夫森在波士顿。
Act Seventeen: You Can't Choose Your Gift Ira Glass (HOST) IRA GLASS: Act 17-- You Can't Choose Your Gift.
第十七幕：你无法选择你的礼物 Ira Glass（主持人） IRA GLASS：第 17 幕——你无法选择你的礼物。
I'm Richard Cary, and I have this one little talent.
我是理查德·卡里，我有这一点小天赋。
I don't know where it came from, and it fears me to think that it's something that I, myself, possess.
我不知道它从哪里来，一想到它是我自己所拥有的东西，我就感到害怕。
But I'm able to make the entire sound of a swamp.
但我能够发出沼泽的全部声音。
And I will attempt to do so now.
我现在将尝试这样做。
I'm not sure I'm prepared at this moment, but I'll give you the sound of a swamp.
我不确定我现在是否准备好，但我会给你发出沼泽的声音。
And I don't know why, but it seems to be really important at parties.
我不知道为什么，但它似乎在聚会上非常重要。
(HOST) IRA GLASS: Act 18-- Party Talk.
（主持人）IRA GLASS：第 18 幕——派对谈话。
Here's writer Chuck Klosterman.
请听作家查克·克洛斯特曼的报道。
This was a conversation that happened to me at a party two years ago.
这是我两年前在一次聚会上发生的一段对话。
At one point in the conversation, I suddenly found it necessary to mention that Journey was rock's version of the TV show Dynasty.
在谈话中的某个时刻，我突然发现有必要提及《风之旅人》是电视节目《王朝》的摇滚版本。
This prompted a spirited debate we then dubbed, "Monkees Equals Monkees."
这引发了一场激烈的辩论，我们称之为“Monkees Equal Monkees”。
The goal of this game is to figure out which television show is the closest philosophical analogy to a specific rock and roll band.
这个游戏的目标是找出哪个电视节目与特定摇滚乐队最接近的哲学类比。
And the criteria are mind-blowingly complex.
而且标准复杂得令人难以置信。
It's a combination of longevity, era, critical acclaim, commercial success, and, most importantly, the aesthetic soul of each artistic entity.
它是长寿、时代、好评、商业成功以及最重要的是每个艺术实体的审美灵魂的结合。
For example, the Rolling Stones are Gunsmoke.
例如，滚石乐队是Gunsmoke。
The Strokes-- Kiefer Sutherland's 24.
《The Strokes》——基弗·萨瑟兰的《24》。
Jimi Hendrix was The Twilight Zone.
吉米·亨德里克斯是暮光之城。
Devo was Fernwood 2Night.
Devo 是 Fernwood 2Night。
Lynyrd Skynyrd was The Beverly Hillbillies, which makes Molly Hatchet Petticoat Junction.
Lynyrd Skynyrd 是 The Beverly Hillbillies 乐队的成员，Molly Hatchet Petticoat Junction 的制作人。
The Black Crowes are That 70s Show.
《黑乌鸦》是 70 年代的表演。
Hall and Oates were Bosom Buddies.
霍尔和奥茨是知音。
U2 is M.A.S.H.
U2 是 M.A.S.H.
because both kind of got preachy at the end.
因为最后两者都得到了说教。
Dokken was Jason Bateman's short lived sitcom, It's Your Move.
《Dokken》是杰森·贝特曼的短命情景喜剧《It's Your Move》。
The Eurythmics were Mork and Mindy.
舞韵舞者是莫克和明迪。
We even deduced comparisons for solo projects, which can only be made to series that were spawned as spin-offs.
我们甚至对单独项目进行了比较，这些项目只能与作为衍生作品产生的系列进行比较。
The four Beatles, post-1970, are as follows: John equals Maude, Paul equals Frasier, George equals The Jeffersons, and Ringo equals Flow.
1970 年后的披头士四人如下：约翰相当于莫德，保罗相当于弗雷泽，乔治相当于杰斐逊一家，林戈相当于福洛。
David Lee Roth's solo period after Van Halen was Knot's Landing.
大卫·李·罗斯 (David Lee Roth) 在范·海伦 (Van Halen) 之后的独唱时期是《诺特登陆》(Knot's Landing)。
So there's proof-- marijuana makes you smarter.
所以有证据表明——大麻可以让你变得更聪明。
Chuck Klosterman reading from his book called Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs: A Low Culture Manifesto.
查克·克洛斯特曼正在读他的书《性、毒品和可可泡芙：低文化宣言》。
(HOST) IRA GLASS: Act 19-- The Hard Life at the Top.
（主持人）IRA GLASS：第 19 幕——高层的艰难生活。
Here's a ritual that takes place every summer on the last day of June-- 1,200 new army cadets, mostly teenagers, survivors of one of the most exhausting application processes in the country, arrive at West Point.
这是每年夏天 6 月最后一天举行的仪式——1,200 名新陆军学员抵达西点军校，其中大多数是青少年，他们是美国最艰苦的申请过程之一的幸存者。
And then, in the space of one morning, they're separated from their parents.
然后，在一个早上的时间里，他们就与父母分开了。
Their clothes are taken away.
他们的衣服被拿走了。
Their hair is taken away.
他们的头发被拿走了。
They're weighed.
他们称重了。
They're measured.
他们是经过测量的。
They're issued a bag, an army uniform, and underwear.
他们发给了一个包、一套军装和内衣。
They take their oath of office.
他们宣誓就职。
And then, here is the first act they have as non-civilians.
然后，这是他们作为非平民的第一个行动。
All they have to do is say a single sentence.
他们所要做的就是说一句话。
Once they get it said, they can go to their barracks, but not until then.
一旦他们说完，他们就可以去他们的军营，但在那之前不能。
David Lipsky spent four years writing about these guys and describes what happens each year.
大卫·利普斯基花了四年的时间来描写这些人，并描述了每年发生的事情。
The drill is simple.
练习很简单。
The new cadets have to step up to a tape line, drop their bags, and make their report to upperclassman wearing red sashes.
新学员必须走到警戒线前，放下行李，向系着红色腰带的高年级学生报到。
You will walk up to the line, the red sashes tell them.
红色腰带告诉他们，你会走到排队的地方。
And you will say, sir, new cadet Doe reports to the cadet and the red sash for the first time as ordered.
你会说，先生，新学员多伊第一次按照命令向学员和红腰带报到。
The new cadets swallow, nod their heads, and then the screwing up begins.
新学员们咽了口口水，点点头，然后就开始搞砸了。
This cadet is so nervous, he doesn't realize he's supposed to swap his own name for Doe.
这位学员非常紧张，他没有意识到他应该把自己的名字换成 Doe。
Sir, new cadet Doe reports to the cadet--
长官，新学员多伊向学员报告——
(SUBJECT) RED SASH #1: Is your last name Doe?
（主题）红腰带 #1：你姓 Doe 吗？
No, sir.
不，先生。
Red Sash (SUBJECT) RED SASH #1: Then say your name, new cadet.
红色腰带（主题）红色腰带#1：然后说出你的名字，新学员。
Yes, sir.
是的，先生。
David Lipsky "Is your last name Doe?" the red sash screams.
大卫·利普斯基“你姓多伊吗？”红色腰带尖叫起来。
"No, sir," says the new cadet.
“不，先生，”新学员说。
"Then say your name, new cadet," says the red sash.
“那么，请说出你的名字，新学员，”红色腰带说道。
Words count, even footwork counts.
言语很重要，甚至步法也很重要。
New cadet Clinker, a jittery 18-year-old female cadet, finds this out when she steps a little too far forward.
新学员克林克 (Clinker) 是一位紧张不安的 18 岁女学员，当她走得太远时，她发现了这一点。
Sir, new cadet Clinker.
先生，新学员克林克。
Red Sash (SUBJECT) RED SASH #1: New cadet, look where you're standing.
红色腰带（主题）红色腰带#1：新学员，看看你站的地方。
I told you to step up to my line.
我告诉过你站到我的队伍前去。
You better learn how to follow orders, new cadet.
新学员，你最好学会如何服从命令。
New cadet--
新学员——
The red sash asks her to do it again.
红腰带要求她再做一次。
This time, she stands in the right place, but she's forgotten what to say.
这一次，她站在了正确的位置，但她却忘了该说什么。
(SUBJECT) RED SASH #2: I tell you to drop it back, you drop it back--
（主题）红色腰带#2：我告诉你把它放回去，你把它放回去——
(SUBJECT) RED SASH #1: Are you showing emotion?
（主题）红腰带#1：你有表现出情绪吗？
Did I just see a smile come across your face, new cadet?
我刚刚看到你脸上露出笑容了吗，新学员？
No, sir.
不，先生。
Red Sash (SUBJECT) RED SASH #1: You are like a rock.
红色腰带（主题）红色腰带#1：你就像一块石头。
Maintain your military discipline at all times.
时刻保持军事纪律。
You understand, new cadet?
你明白吗，新学员？
Yes, sir.
是的，先生。
David Lipsky For these specially selected red sashes, breaking in the new cadets is a great honor.
大卫·利普斯基 对于这些特别挑选的红色腰带来说，加入新学员是一种莫大的荣幸。
The day before, they've even practiced being hard on local civilians in a full rehearsal.
前一天，他们甚至在全面排练中练习了对当地平民采取严厉措施。
Every year, a bunch of teachers, sons, daughters, groundskeepers from around town sign up for a fun day as practice cadets.
每年，一群来自城镇各地的老师、儿子、女儿、场地管理员都会报名参加，作为实习学员度过有趣的一天。
Every year, a handful leave in tears.
每年，都有少数人含泪离开。
Sir, new cadet McLeod reporting to the cadet in the-- in the red sash for the first time as ordered.
长官，新学员麦克劳德第一次按照命令向身穿红色腰带的学员报到。
Drop your salute.
放下你的敬礼。
David Lipsky New cadet McLeod stutters on his first attempt.
大卫·利普斯基 新学员麦克劳德在第一次尝试时就结巴了。
He's asked to drop his salute and start over.
他被要求放下敬礼并重新开始。
On this one day, almost 1,200 young men and women will make their report.
这一天，近1200名青年男女将进行报告。
If everyone did it right the first time, it would take about an hour.
如果每个人第一次都做对的话，大约需要一个小时。
I don't see anyone go through the first time.
我没有看到有人第一次通过。
It takes all day.
这需要一整天的时间。
New cadet McLeod tries again, but the words won't come.
新学员麦克劳德再次尝试，但发不出话来。
David Lipsky Drop your salute, the red sash tells him.
大卫·利普斯基 红色腰带告诉他，请敬礼。
Are you a n-new cadet or a new cadet?
你是新学员还是新学员？
New cadet, he says, forgetting the sir.
新学员，他说，忘记了长官。
New cadet.
新学员。
Red Sash New cadet, are you going to put a 'sir' on that?
红腰带 新学员，你会在上面加上“先生”吗？
Yes, sir.
是的，先生。
David Lipsky Poor new cadet McLeod has already screwed up twice.
大卫·利普斯基 可怜的新学员麦克劳德已经搞砸了两次。
To get here, he spent 18 years excelling in nearly every way he can-- in schoolwork, in athletics, at student council meetings.
为了到达这里，他花了 18 年的时间，在几乎所有他能做的方面都表现出色——功课、体育运动、学生会会议。
He's beaten his way to the top of the 50,000 applicants who fill out requests for information forms.
他在 50,000 名填写信息申请表的申请者中脱颖而出。
He's been interviewed by senators, congressmen.
他接受过参议员、国会议员的采访。
And now, here he is, in the last place he ever thought he'd find himself, a sudden death play audition.
而现在，他来到了这里，在他从未想过会找到自己的地方，一场突然死亡剧的试镜。
He only has to say one line.
他只需说一句。
He draws a breath, tries one more time.
他吸了一口气，再试一次。
And after letting go of his family, his hair, his clothes, he drops the last vestige of his civilian life-- he forgets his own name.
在放弃了他的家人、他的头发、他的衣服之后，他丢掉了他平民生活的最后痕迹——他忘记了自己的名字。
Ira Glass David Lipsky-- his book following one cadet class at West Point for four years is called Absolutely American.
艾拉·格拉斯·大卫·利普斯基（Ira Glass David Lipsky）——他在西点军校学习四年后，写了一本名为《绝对美国》的书。
(HOST) IRA GLASS: Act 20-- The Greatest Moment I Ever Saw On a Stage.
（主持人）IRA GLASS：第 20 幕——我在舞台上见过的最伟大的时刻。
I'll say, first of all, that this moment that I saw caught me completely off guard.
首先，我要说的是，我看到的这一刻让我完全措手不及。
I was at a play where I was not expecting anything special.
我当时正在看一场戏，并没有期待有什么特别的事情。
It was put on by an organization that works with teenagers.
它是由一个与青少年合作的组织举办的。
Storycatchers Theatre is what it's called.
故事捕手剧院就是它的名字。
And among other things, they get kids who are locked up in Chicago's juvenile detention center, The Audy Home, to write and perform musicals about their lives.
除此之外，他们还让被关押在芝加哥青少年拘留中心奥迪之家的孩子们创作并表演有关他们生活的音乐剧。
This one was performed by teenage girls.
这是由十几岁的女孩表演的。
OK, so we're in the detention center.
好的，我们现在在看守所了。
Folding chairs have been set up.
折叠椅已经摆好。
The girls' parents-- it's mostly mothers and grandmothers, very few men-- are sitting directly in front of the stage.
女孩们的父母——大部分是母亲和祖母，很少有男性——坐在舞台正前方。
And imagine for a minute what it's like to be one of those parents, OK?
想象一下成为这些父母中的一员会是什么样子，好吗？
Your kid's locked up, possibly on very serious charges, some of these girls were.
你的孩子被关起来了，可能是因为受到非常严重的指控，其中一些女孩被关起来了。
You're worried about what's going to happen to them next.
你担心他们接下来会发生什么。
You're probably still mad that they didn't listen to you in the first place and got into all this trouble and ended up behind bars.
你可能还在生气，因为他们一开始就没有听你的，陷入了所有这些麻烦，最终入狱。
What can theater possibly do for you in this situation?
在这种情况下，戏剧可以为你做什么？
It seems like such an old-fashioned idea that it can do anything.
这似乎是一个老式的想法，它可以做任何事情。
So there's this one scene in the play.
于是剧中就有了这样的一幕。
And it's the story of this girl named Candace.
这是一个名叫坎迪斯的女孩的故事。
And Candace basically wanted better clothes so the other kids at school wouldn't laugh at her.
坎迪斯基本上想要更好的衣服，这样学校里的其他孩子就不会嘲笑她。
She steal some clothes from Nike Town.
她从耐克城偷了一些衣服。
And she gets in trouble, she gets caught.
她遇到了麻烦，她被抓住了。
And then she joins a gang to earn some money and be more popular.
然后她加入一个帮派来赚一些钱并变得更受欢迎。
Her mom finds some drugs in the house, and a gun, and feels completely betrayed because that was not how she raised her daughter.
她的妈妈在家里发现了一些毒品和一把枪，她感到完全被背叛了，因为这不是她抚养女儿的方式。
And one thing leads to another, and Candace gets locked up.
一件事引发了另一件事，坎迪斯被关了起来。
[MUSIC PLAYING] Then, the girl narrating the story says, and this is how Candace feels about her mom now.
[音乐播放] 然后，讲述故事的女孩说道，这就是坎迪斯现在对她妈妈的感觉。
And then all the girls in the play come out on the stage and stand in a line, facing their mothers and grandmothers who are right there in front of them.
然后剧中的所有女孩都走上舞台，站成一排，面对着她们面前的母亲和祖母。
(SINGING) Mama, I'm sorry for what I have done.
（唱）妈妈，我为我所做的事感到抱歉。
I was arrested and ended up here in the Audy Home.
我被捕并被关进奥迪之家。
Oh, I'm sorry for putting you through all of this.
哦，很抱歉让你经历这一切。
I know you are mad about the good times that we missed.
我知道你对我们错过的美好时光感到生气。
I'm ready to come back home.
我准备回家了。
I'm willing to make a change.
我愿意做出改变。
One of the verses goes, "Mama, I'm sorry for making you come to court, for almost losing your job to give me moral support.
其中一首诗写道：“妈妈，我很抱歉让您来到法庭，为了给我道义上的支持，您几乎失去了工作。
Mama, I'm sorry for putting your through all this stress, for making you worry yourself and depressed.
妈妈，我很抱歉让您承受如此大的压力，让您自己担心和沮丧。
I'm ready to come back home.
我准备回家了。
I'm willing to make a change."
我愿意做出改变。”
And, by this time, the girls are all crying, the parents are all crying.
而且，这个时候，女孩们都哭了，家长们也都哭了。
And each girl has a cut-out little heart, like on Valentine's Day, like that, made from red construction paper, the size of your palm.
每个女孩都有一个剪下来的小心，就像情人节那样，用红色卡纸剪成，手掌大小。
And written on each one is the words, "I'm sorry."
每张纸上都写着“对不起”。
And each girl goes out into the audience to where her mom is sitting, or her grandma is sitting, and hands her the heart.
每个女孩走到观众席上，到她妈妈坐的地方，或者她奶奶坐的地方，把心交给她。
And the parents are crying, and the kids are crying, and everybody is hugging.
父母在哭泣，孩子们在哭泣，每个人都在拥抱。
It was really something.
这确实是一件事情。
(SINGING) --make a change.
（唱歌）——做出改变。
I'll do anything for you, mom.
我会为你做任何事，妈妈。
Please forget about yesterday.
请忘记昨天。
Mama, I'm sorry.
妈妈，对不起。
[SNIFFLES]
[抽鼻子]
Here they were-- not just saying this to their mothers, but saying it publicly in front of the world, in front of their friends.
他们在这里——不仅对他们的母亲说这句话，而且在全世界、在他们的朋友面前公开说这句话。
Saying this thing that could be so hard to say in any case.
说起这件事无论如何都很难说。
Singing it out and hoping that it can heal something that is going to be hard to heal, no matter what you do.
唱出来并希望它能治愈一些无论你做什么都难以治愈的事情。
(SINGING) Mama, I'm sorry.
（唱歌）妈妈，对不起。
[SNIFFLES] I'm sorry.
[抽鼻子] 对不起。
I'm sorry.
对不起。
I'm sorry.
对不起。
I'm sorry.
对不起。
Mama, I'm sorry.
妈妈，对不起。
And that's our show for today, 20 Acts in 60 Minutes.
这就是我们今天的节目：60 分钟 20 幕。
Thanks today to Atlantic Public Media, WCAI and WNAN, our website, thisamericanlife.org.
今天感谢大西洋公共媒体、WCAI 和 WNAN、我们的网站 thisamericanlife.org。
This American Life is delivered to public radio stations by PRX, the Public Radio Exchange.
《美国生活》由公共广播电台 PRX 向公共广播电台播出。
Thanks, as always, to our program's co-founder, Mr. Tony Malatia, who remembers all the way back to when we started the show.
一如既往地感谢我们节目的联合创始人托尼·马拉蒂亚先生，他一直记得我们开始节目时的情景。
I think it was right around the time we had this big fight about gumballs, which I'm not going to get into because it's pretty embarrassing.
我想就在我们为口香糖问题发生了一场大争执的时候，我不会介入，因为这非常尴尬。
I'm Ira Glass, back next week with more stories of This American Life.
我是艾拉·格拉斯，下周回来，带来更多《美国生活》的故事。
This American Life is produced in collaboration with WBEZ Chicago and delivered to stations by PRX The Public Radio Exchange.
《This American Life》与 WBEZ Chicago 合作制作，并由 PRX 公共广播电台传送到各电台。