228: You Are So Beautiful…To Me - This American Life
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00:00 00:00 Transcript Share This American Life Life Partners How to Listen Episodes Recommended About Overview Staff Announcements Fellowships Jobs Music Make Radio On The Road FAQ Submissions Merch Contact Us Our Other Shows Merch Follow Us Life Partners Subscribe to our newsletter Full episode Toggle Audio and Transcript Sync Transcript | Episode #228 | December 17, 2004 228: You Are So Beautiful…To Me Note: This American Life is produced for the ear and designed to be heard.
00:00 00:00 文字记录 分享此 美国生活 生活伙伴 如何收听 剧集 推荐 关于 概述 员工公告 奖学金 工作 音乐 在路上制作电台 常见问题解答 提交 商品 联系我们 我们的其他节目 商品 关注我们 生活伙伴 订阅我们的时事通讯 整集 切换音频和文字记录同步 文字记录 | 内容第 228 集 | 2004 年 12 月 17 日 228：你是如此美丽……对我来说 注：《美国生活》是为耳朵而制作的，旨在让人们听到。
If you are able, we strongly encourage you to listen to the audio, which includes emotion and emphasis that's not on the page.
如果可以的话，我们强烈建议您收听音频，其中包括页面上没有的情感和重点。
Transcripts are generated using a combination of speech recognition software and human transcribers, and may contain errors.
文字记录是使用语音识别软件和人工转录员结合生成的，可能包含错误。
Please check the corresponding audio before quoting in print.
请在印刷版引用前检查相应的音频。
Prologue Ira Glass Years ago, my girlfriend was on the phone, talking with her friend Richard, who she just loves.
序言 Ira Glass 几年前，我的女朋友正在打电话，与她深爱的朋友理查德交谈。
And she's at home, and she's sitting on the couch, and the TV's on.
她在家，坐在沙发上，电视开着。
And at some point, he notices the TV in background.
在某个时刻，他注意到背景中有电视。
I think because occasionally, she would switch channels, which, you know, is kind of a giveaway that maybe you're not paying complete attention to the phone call.
我认为是因为偶尔她会切换频道，你知道，这表明你可能没有完全注意电话。
So he starts to get annoyed at this, and starts to say to her how rude it is, and how wrong.
所以他开始对此感到恼火，并开始对她说这是多么粗鲁，多么错误。
And her case, her self-defense, completely disarms him, and she totally wins the day with this argument.
她的案子，她的自卫，彻底解除了他的武装，她在这场争论中完全赢得了胜利。
"I love you, so how can this be wrong?"
“我爱你，这怎么可能是错的呢？”
I love you.
我爱你。
So if you're mad because you think that I'm watching TV because I don't give a damn about you and what you're saying, please note that this did not detract in any way-- it does not represent any kind of diminishment, any kind of depletion-- of my love.
所以，如果你因为认为我看电视是因为我不在乎你和你所说的话而生气，请注意，这并没有以任何方式减损——它并不代表任何形式的减少、任何形式的耗尽——我的爱。
So could it be wrong?
那么这可能是错误的吗？
Which I have to say completely cracked him up with its brazenness.
我不得不说，这让他的厚颜无耻彻底崩溃了。
Under that logic, you can do anything, anything, to the people you love and get away with it.
在这种逻辑下，你可以对你所爱的人做任何事，并且侥幸逃脱惩罚。
Love is very hard to argue with.
爱情是很难争论的。
You're in an argument with somebody and they say they did it for love-- what are you going to say to that?
你和某人发生争执，他们说他们这样做是为了爱情——你对此有何评论？
You just wave the word around, and that's that.
你只要挥挥手，就可以了。
Which brings me into the song "You Are So Beautiful...
这让我想起了《你是如此美丽》这首歌……
To Me." You remember that song?
对我来说。”你还记得那首歌吗？
Imagine for a second somebody writing that song for you, or singing it to you, and you're hearing the song for the first time.
想象一下有人为你写那首歌，或者唱给你听，而你是第一次听到这首歌。
OK.
好的。
They start off, "You are so beautiful," and you think, OK this is romantic, this is going just great.
他们一开始就说，“你真漂亮”，然后你想，好吧，这很浪漫，一切进展顺利。
And then they get to the "to me."
然后他们就谈到了“对我来说”。
You're not beautiful to everyone.
你并不适合所有人。
If you were beautiful to everyone, the lyric could stop right there.
如果你对每个人来说都是美丽的，歌词就可以到此为止。
The song would be called "You Are So Beautiful." There are, in fact, songs exactly like that.
这首歌的名字是“你是如此美丽”。事实上，确实有类似的歌曲。
"You are so beautiful." But no, no, no. You're not so beautiful in general.
“你真美。”但不，不，不。总的来说，你并不那么漂亮。
You're just so beautiful to me.
你对我来说是如此美丽。
It's insulting, you know?
这是侮辱性的，你知道吗？
But then, because the entire song is about how huge and complete this love is, what, you're going to argue?
但是，因为整首歌都是关于这种爱有多么巨大和完整，所以你要争论什么呢？
The writer or the singer would just say, "I love you.
作家或歌手只会说：“我爱你。
How could this be wrong?"
这怎么可能是错误的呢？”
Today on our radio program, we bring you two stories about love.
今天在我们的广播节目中，我们为您带来两个关于爱情的故事。
Each story a variation on the idea, "I love you.
每个故事都是“我爱你”这个想法的变体。
So how could this be wrong?"
那么这怎么可能是错误的呢？”
Act one of our program.
执行我们的计划之一。
Polly Wants So Much More Than a Cracker.
波莉想要的不仅仅是一块饼干。
The story of a bird and three small children and what people will put up with for love.
一只鸟和三个小孩的故事，以及人们为了爱情而忍受的一切。
Act two.
第二幕。
On the Border Between Good and Bad.
在好与坏的边界上。
In that act, we're very excited to have the novelist Russell Banks here on the radio program, reading a short story that we have wanted to get on the air forever.
在那一幕中，我们非常高兴小说家拉塞尔·班克斯（Russell Banks）来到广播节目中，朗读我们一直想永远播出的短篇故事。
We're finally getting a chance to.
我们终于有机会了。
From WBEZ Chicago, This American Life, distributed by Public Radio International.
来自芝加哥 WBEZ 的《This American Life》，由国际公共广播电台发行。
I'm Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯。
Stay with us.
留在我们身边。
Act One.
第一幕。
Polly Wants So Much More Than a Cracker.
波莉想要的不仅仅是一块饼干。
When Veronica tells this story, it's a story about love.
当维罗妮卡讲述这个故事时，这是一个关于爱情的故事。
When she was 17, she saw a bird in a pet store.
17 岁时，她在宠物店看到一只鸟。
A macaw, which is a kind of big parrot, brightly colored, with a three-foot wingspan.
金刚鹦鹉，是一种大型鹦鹉，颜色鲜艳，翼展三尺。
And I fell in love with her immediately, and you know, I was still in high school, I had no money whatsoever.
我立刻就爱上了她，你知道，我当时还在上高中，我根本就没有钱。
How expensive was she?
她的身价有多贵？
Veronica Well, the price tag on the cage said $1400.
维罗妮卡 嗯，笼子上的标价是 1400 美元。
So how long did it take you to pay off the bird?
那么你花了多长时间才还清那只鸟的钱呢？
It took me about five years to pay her off.
我花了大约五年的时间才还清她的钱。
Working part time jobs, babysitting.
做兼职，保姆。
And what did you love about her?
你喜欢她什么？
What was the thing that drew you to her?
是什么吸引了你到她身边？
It's hard to describe how it feels to love an animal.
很难描述爱一只动物的感觉。
But as soon as I saw her face, I just thought she was the most beautiful thing, and I had to have her, and I wanted to see that face every day, and I wanted to care for her.
但我一看到她的脸，我就觉得她是最美丽的，我必须拥有她，我想每天看到那张脸，我想照顾她。
And I didn't know anything about bringing up parrots, or feeding them, or caring for them.
我对饲养鹦鹉、喂养它们或照顾它们一无所知。
I just wanted to take her home like a treasure.
我只是想把她当宝贝一样带回家。
OK.
好的。
Fast-forward 23 years.
快进 23 年。
Veronica is now 40 years old, married with two twin boys, Kyle and Cameron, age five, and another boy, Daniel, who's eight.
维罗妮卡现年 40 岁，已婚，育有两个双胞胎男孩，即五岁的凯尔和卡梅伦，以及另一个男孩，八岁的丹尼尔。
One of the things that she didn't know about parrots when she first saw her macaw is that they can live for 80 years.
当她第一次看到金刚鹦鹉时，她并不知道鹦鹉的寿命之一是它们可以活 80 年。
80.
80.
So every morning she takes the bird, whose name is Gideon, out of her cage, so she can freely wander the house.
所以每天早上她都会把这只名叫吉迪恩的鸟从笼子里拿出来，这样她就可以在房子里自由地漫步。
And get into things she shouldn't get into, like a baby.
并参与一些她不应该参与的事情，就像一个婴儿一样。
Climbing into laundry baskets and ripping up clothes, and taking the kids' Pokemon cards and ripping them to shreds, and pulling newspapers out of boxes.
爬进洗衣篮撕碎衣服，把孩子们的口袋妖怪卡片撕成碎片，从盒子里拿出报纸。
And so at breakfast, you've got three little kids there.
早餐时，三个小孩在那里。
The kids will interact with each other, and Gideon will scream as loud as she can over their heads.
孩子们会互相互动，吉迪恩会在他们头顶上尽可能大声地尖叫。
Now let's play a recording of Gideon for people at home.
现在让我们为家里的人播放吉迪恩的录音。
It's intolerable.
这是无法忍受的。
It's a sound that you don't want to hear.
这是你不想听到的声音。
It sounds very dinosaur-like.
听起来很像恐龙。
Veronica Yeah.
维罗妮卡 是的。
Well, you know--
嗯，你知道——
The word you just use was "intolerable"?
你刚才用的词是“无法忍受”？
It's the most unpleasant sound I think I have ever heard.
这是我听过的最难听的声音。
But you've lived with this sound for 23 years.
但你已经和这种声音生活了 23 年。
I've lived with that sound for 23 years.
我已经在这种声音中生活了 23 年。
It's in my dreams.
这是在我的梦里。
It's wherever I go.
无论我走到哪里都是如此。
It's in the kitchen, it's in the dining room, it's in my bedroom.
它在厨房，在餐厅，在我的卧室。
And the kids have grown up with her, so they don't really notice it at first.
而且孩子们是和她一起长大的，所以一开始他们并没有真正注意到这一点。
But after about the fourth or fifth scream, they will start covering their ears and shouting back at the bird, and--
但在大约第四次或第五次尖叫之后，他们会开始捂住耳朵并对鸟大喊，然后——
[SCREAMING] Cameron Will you stop it, please?
[尖叫]卡梅伦你能停下来吗？
[SCREAMING] Mommy!
[尖叫]妈妈！
Will you take Gideon and put him-- her in the tree?
你愿意带吉迪恩把他——她放到树上吗？
Now, you taped little interviews with your kids about Gideon.
现在，您录制了与孩子们有关吉迪恩的小采访。
Here's Cameron, who's five.
这是卡梅伦，他五岁了。
Do you like having Gideon in the family?
你喜欢家里有吉迪恩吗？
No, really.
不，真的。
Veronica Would you rather that she went somewhere else?
维罗妮卡 你愿意她去别的地方吗？
Yeah.
是的。
All the way to [UNINTELLIGIBLE], to England.
一直到[无法理解]，到英国。
Because I don't want her to scream when we're watching TV.
因为我不想让她在我们看电视时尖叫。
Would you rather have a different kind of pet than Gideon?
您愿意养一种与吉迪恩不同的宠物吗？
Yeah.
是的。
A dog that is really nice and doesn't bite and doesn't bark.
一只非常好的狗，不咬人也不叫。
But do you understand why mommy loves Gideon?
但你知道妈妈为什么爱吉迪恩吗？
Um, no. Ira Glass This is Kyle, the other twin, also five.
嗯，不。艾拉·格拉斯（Ira Glass） 这是凯尔（Kyle），双胞胎中的另一个，也是五岁。
One time she just almost bited off my thumb.
有一次她差点咬掉我的拇指。
That kind of scared me.
这让我有点害怕。
Um, they're terrified of Gideon.
嗯，他们害怕吉迪恩。
If they are approached by her, they'll immediately scream and run away.
一旦她靠近，他们就会立即尖叫并逃跑。
They won't go near her now.
他们现在不会靠近她了。
And is that because Gideon is in fact a little dangerous?
这是因为吉迪恩实际上有点危险吗？
They're right to be a little scared?
他们有点害怕是对的吗？
Well, Gideon's primary objective in life is to be my mate.
好吧，吉迪恩人生的首要目标是成为我的伴侣。
And so every other person or creature that comes near me is a threat to our relationship.
因此，靠近我的每个其他人或生物都会对我们的关系构成威胁。
And my children are a very big threat to our relationship, because we have physical contact with each other.
我的孩子对我们的关系构成了很大的威胁，因为我们彼此有身体接触。
And she sees me carrying them and cooking for them and touching them and picking them up.
她看到我抱着它们，为它们做饭，抚摸它们，把它们捡起来。
And so she has a desire to kill them, basically.
所以她基本上有杀死他们的愿望。
I mean, in the bird world, she would kill a predator or some intrusive love interest.
我的意思是，在鸟类世界中，她会杀死掠食者或一些侵入性的爱人。
Now, after your kids were born, and you saw how Gideon reacted to your children, and you saw how your children reacted to Gideon-- they were scared that Gideon bit Kyle-- did it change your feelings about Gideon?
现在，在你的孩子出生后，你看到了吉迪恩对你的孩子的反应，你也看到了你的孩子对吉迪恩的反应——他们害怕吉迪恩咬凯尔——这是否改变了你对吉迪恩的感觉？
I don't think anything can change my feelings about Gideon.
我认为没有什么可以改变我对吉迪恩的感情。
But if I had a dog that I loved, and you know, then I had a new baby in the house, and the dog was hostile towards the baby, I wouldn't feel the same way about the dog.
但如果我有一只我爱的狗，你知道，然后我家里有了一个新婴儿，而狗对婴儿充满敌意，我就不会对狗有同样的感觉。
You know, like I would feel protective of my kid, which I'm sure you did.
你知道，就像我会保护我的孩子一样，我相信你也这么做了。
Well, I do feel protective of the children, and I take certain steps to protect them from her.
嗯，我确实感到对孩子们的保护，并且我采取了某些措施来保护他们免受她的侵害。
But I can't stop loving her because of her natural tendency to want to drive away competition.
但我无法停止爱她，因为她天生就有想要摆脱竞争的倾向。
As I said, this is a love story.
正如我所说，这是一个爱情故事。
And though Veronica knows Gideon is driving everybody else who she loves crazy, she loves the bird.
尽管维罗妮卡知道吉迪恩正在让她所爱的其他人都疯狂，但她还是喜欢这只鸟。
The same monogamous feelings that make Gideon mean to everyone else, make Gideon fantastically sweet to Veronica.
一夫一妻制的感觉让吉迪恩对其他人都很重要，同样也让吉迪恩对维罗妮卡异常甜蜜。
Gideon watches her every move, cuddles with her, blushes-- Gideon actually blushes when they play together.
吉迪恩观察她的一举一动，拥抱她，脸红——当他们一起玩耍时，吉迪恩实际上会脸红。
She is all that Gideon lives for and it's hard to turn away from that.
她是吉迪恩生活的全部，很难拒绝这一点。
Veronica also worries that if she gave the bird away, the bird would die.
维罗妮卡还担心，如果她把这只鸟送人，这只鸟就会死。
They mate so fiercely that sometimes when their mate vanishes, that can happen.
它们的交配非常激烈，有时当它们的配偶消失时，这种情况就会发生。
[SCREAMING] I know, Gideon.
[尖叫]我知道，吉迪恩。
It's upsetting.
真令人不安。
And then there's this story.
然后就有了这个故事。
When Veronica was 18 and barely owned Gideon for a year, she took Gideon outside like she did every day, and Gideon flew away.
当维罗妮卡 18 岁的时候，几乎没有拥有吉迪恩一年，她像平常一样带着吉迪恩出去，然后吉迪恩就飞走了。
Veronica hadn't been careful enough clipping her feathers.
维罗妮卡剪羽毛时不够小心。
She was wrecked.
她崩溃了。
Every night, Veronica cried herself to sleep.
每天晚上，维罗妮卡都哭着入睡。
Every day she sat on the roof, watching the sky.
她每天坐在屋顶上，看着天空。
After six days, a kid on his way to school spotted the bird.
六天后，一个孩子在上学的路上发现了这只鸟。
And I went quickly, ran to where he said she was, and I saw her in probably the tallest tree.
我飞快地跑到他说的她所在的地方，我在可能是最高的树上看到了她。
And immediately scaled the tree.
并立即爬上树。
Got all the way to the top, which was about, I was up about 50 feet.
一路到达山顶，大约 50 英尺高。
She was on the end of the branch, all the way out.
她在树枝的尽头，一直到外面。
And so I inched my way out.
于是我慢慢地走了出去。
And about three quarters of the way out-- I was only a foot away from her-- the branch snapped, and I fell straight down without hitting anything on the way, and just fell 50 feet and landed on my feet on hard ground.
大约在出去的四分之三处——我离她只有一英尺——树枝折断了，我直接摔倒了，一路上没有撞到任何东西，只是摔了50英尺，双脚着地在坚硬的地面上。
And I suffered a multiple compression fracture of my spine and I had a collapsed lung.
我的脊柱多处压缩性骨折，肺部塌陷。
I should have died, according to the orthopedic surgeon.
据整形外科医生说，我应该死了。
Do you think the fact that you nearly died trying to save Gideon is one of the things that makes it impossible for you to give Gideon up?
你认为你为了拯救基定差点丧命的事实是让你无法放弃基定的原因之一吗？
That's something I've thought about, yeah.
这就是我想过的事情，是的。
It's quite possible.
这是很有可能的。
I feel like it's brought us closer.
我觉得这让我们更亲近了。
It's not a pleasant thing that happened.
这并不是一件令人愉快的事情。
But I feel like, um-- she would have died out there.
但我觉得，嗯——她可能会死在那里。
You say that "it brought us closer," but you're the only one who actually understands that you went out and you got injured trying to save Gideon.
你说“这让我们更加亲近”，但你是唯一一个真正明白你出去救吉迪恩并受伤的人。
Gideon doesn't understand that.
吉迪恩不明白这一点。
No, she doesn't understand that.
不，她不明白这一点。
But I know she understands something.
但我知道她明白一些事情。
She's very bonded to me.
她对我很有感情。
She became so close to me at one point that her hormones produced an egg.
有一次，她和我变得如此亲密，以至于她的荷尔蒙产生了一个卵子。
And that's something that happens only between couples.
而这种事只有情侣之间才会发生。
So I know she feels something.
所以我知道她有感觉。
I don't really need to know much more than that.
我真的不需要知道更多。
In the end, I think this is only partly a story about Veronica's love for Gideon.
最后，我认为这只是部分关于维罗妮卡对吉迪恩的爱的故事。
It's also a story about her family's love for her, that they put up with the bird.
这也是一个关于她的家人对她的爱的故事，他们容忍了这只鸟。
Now, we all want to believe that the people who love us will at least accept the parts of us that are not so appealing.
现在，我们都愿意相信，爱我们的人至少会接受我们不那么吸引人的部分。
And in Veronica's case, the unappealing part just happens to have physical form and be a bird.
在维罗妮卡的例子中，没有吸引力的部分恰好具有物理形态并且是一只鸟。
Every day that her kids and her husband put up with that, they prove to her just how much they love her.
她的孩子和她的丈夫每天忍受这一点，他们向她证明他们有多么爱她。
I don't know why you had to buy her.
我不知道你为什么要买她。
Like, how much bucks was she?
比如，她多少钱？
She cost a lot of money.
她花了很多钱。
Kyle But how much money?
凯尔 但是多少钱？
She cost, like, $1400.
她的花费大概是1400美元。
Kyle Whoa.
凯尔哇。
Just for a parrot?
就为了一只鹦鹉？
Why would they do that?
他们为什么要这么做？
Why?
为什么？
The most remarkable thing, I think, about the phrase "I love you" is how rarely it's used literally to mean I love you.
我认为，关于“我爱你”这句话，最值得注意的是它很少被字面意思用来表示我爱你。
That I have a feeling of love for you.
我对你有一种爱的感觉。
It's used much more often, I think, to mean 100 other things.
我认为它更常用来表示 100 种其他事物。
"Tell me that you love me," or "I need to get off the phone now," or "Things are fine between us, right?" or "Yes, it's fine that we keep the parrot."
“告诉我你爱我”，或者“我现在需要挂断电话”，或者“我们之间一切都很好，对吧？”或者“是的，我们养鹦鹉没问题。”
Coming up.
即将到来。
Yet another way to use the word love.
还有另一种使用爱这个词的方式。
That's in a minute from Chicago Public Radio and Public Radio International when our program continues.
一分钟后，芝加哥公共广播电台和国际公共广播电台将继续我们的节目。
It's This American Life.
这就是美国生活。
I'm Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯。
Today on our program, stories of love, and people trying to better understand their own actions in love.
今天在我们的节目中，关于爱情的故事，以及人们试图更好地理解自己在爱情中的行为。
We've arrived at act two.
我们已经到了第二幕了。
On the Border Between Good and Bad.
在好与坏的边界上。
In this act, we have this short story from Russell Banks, which he was kind enough to read for us.
在这一幕中，我们有拉塞尔·班克斯（Russell Banks）的短篇小说，他很友善地为我们朗读。
A warning to listeners that he mentions sex in the story.
警告听众他在故事中提到了性。
Nothing explicit.
没有什么明确的。
Here's Russell Banks.
这是拉塞尔·班克斯的报道。
To begin, then, here's a scene in which I am the man and my friend Sarah Cole is the woman.
首先，这是一个场景，其中我是男人，我的朋友莎拉·科尔是女人。
I don't mind describing it now because I'm a decade older and don't look the same now as I did then, and Sarah Cole is dead.
我现在不介意描述它，因为我老了十岁，现在看起来和以前不一样了，而且莎拉·科尔已经死了。
That is to say, on hearing this story, you might think me vain if I looked the same now as I did then.
也就是说，听了这个故事，你可能会觉得我现在看起来和以前一样，很虚荣。
Because I must tell you that I was extremely handsome then.
因为我必须告诉你，那时我非常英俊。
And if Sarah were not dead, you'd think I was cruel, for I must tell you that Sarah was very homely.
如果莎拉没有死，你会认为我很残忍，因为我必须告诉你，莎拉非常相貌平平。
In fact, she was the homeliest woman I have ever known.
事实上，她是我所认识的最相貌平平的女人。
And I knew her well, because for three and a half months, we were lovers.
我很了解她，因为在三个半月的时间里，我们是恋人。
Here is the scene.
这是场景。
You can put it in the present, even though it took place ten years ago, because nothing that matters to the story depends on when it took place.
你可以把它放在现在，即使它发生在十年前，因为对故事来说重要的并不取决于它发生的时间。
And you can put it in Concord, New Hampshire, even though that is indeed where it took place, because it doesn't matter where it took place.
你可以把它放在新罕布什尔州康科德，即使那确实是它发生的地方，因为它发生在哪里并不重要。
So it might as well be Concord, New Hampshire, a place I happen to know well, and can therefore describe with sufficient detail to make the story believable.
所以它也可能是新罕布什尔州的康科德，一个我碰巧很熟悉的地方，因此可以描述足够的细节以使故事可信。
Around six o'clock on a Wednesday evening in late May, a man enters a bar.
五月下旬的一个星期三晚上六点左右，一名男子走进一家酒吧。
The bar, a cocktail lounge at street level with a restaurant upstairs, is decorated with hanging plants and unfinished wood paneling, butcher block tables and captain's chairs, with a half dozen darken and thickly upholstered booths along one wall.
酒吧是一家位于街道层的鸡尾酒酒廊，楼上有一家餐厅，装饰着悬挂的植物和未完成的木镶板、屠宰台和船长椅，沿着一堵墙有六个昏暗且软垫厚的包间。
Three or four men between the ages of 25 and 35 are drinking at the bar, and like the man who has just entered, wear three piece suits and loosened neckties.
三四个年龄在25岁到35岁之间的男人正在酒吧里喝酒，和刚进来的男人一样，穿着三件套，领带宽松。
They are probably lawyers-- young, unmarried lawyers-- gossipping with their brethren over martinis so as to postpone arriving home alone at their whitewashed townhouse apartments, where they will fix their evening meals in microwave ovens, and afterwards, while their TVs chuckle quietly in front of them, sit on their couches and do a little extra work tomorrow.
他们很可能是律师——年轻的未婚律师——一边喝着马提尼酒，一边和弟兄们闲聊，以便推迟独自回到粉刷成白色的联排别墅公寓的时间，在那里他们会用微波炉准备晚餐，然后，一边电视在面前静静地笑，一边坐在沙发上，明天做一点额外的工作。
They are, for the most part, honorable, educated, hardworking, shallow, and moderately unhappy young men.
他们大多是受过良好教育、勤奋、肤浅、有一定程度不幸的年轻人。
Our man-- call him Ronald, Ron-- in most ways is like these men, except that he is unusually good-looking, and that makes him a little less unhappy than they.
我们的男人——叫他罗纳德，罗恩——在大多数方面都像这些人一样，除了他长得异常英俊，这让他比他们不那么不高兴。
Ron is effortlessly attractive, a genetic wonder.
罗恩毫不费力地就具有吸引力，这是一个遗传奇迹。
Tall, slender, symmetrical, and clean.
身材高大、修长、匀称、干净。
He is beautiful the way we usually think of a woman as being beautiful.
他很美丽，就像我们通常认为的女人一样美丽。
And he is nice, too-- a consequence, perhaps, of his seeming not to know how beautiful he is to men as well as women, to young people, even children, as well as old, to attractive people, who realize immediately that he is so much more attractive than they as not to be competitive with them, as well as unattractive people.
而且他也很友善——也许是因为他似乎不知道自己对男人和女人、对年轻人、甚至儿童、对老人、对有魅力的人有多美丽，他们立即意识到他比他们更有魅力，以至于不与他们以及没有吸引力的人竞争。
Ron takes a seat at the bar, unfolds the evening paper in front of him, and before he can start reading, the bartender asks to help him, calling him "sir," even though Ron has come into this bar numerous times at this time of day.
罗恩在酒吧坐下，在他面前展开晚报，在他开始阅读之前，调酒师请求帮助他，称他为“先生”，尽管罗恩在一天中的这个时候多次来到这个酒吧。
Especially since his divorce last fall.
尤其是自从他去年秋天离婚以来。
Ron got divorced because after three years of marriage, his wife chose to pursue the career that has interrupted-- that of a fashion designer-- which required her to live in New York City, while he had to continue to live in New Hampshire, where his career got its start.
罗恩离婚是因为结婚三年后，他的妻子选择继续中断的职业生涯——时装设计师的职业——这要求她住在纽约市，而他必须继续住在新罕布什尔州，他的职业生涯就是在那里开始的。
They agreed to live apart until he could continue his career near New York City.
他们同意分居，直到他能够在纽约市附近继续他的职业生涯。
But after a few months, between conjugal visits, he started sleeping with other women, and she started sleeping with other men, and that was that.
但几个月后，在夫妻探访期间，他开始和其他女人上床，而她也开始和其他男人上床，仅此而已。
"No big deal," he explained to friends who liked both Ron and his wife, even though he was slightly more beautiful than she.
“没什么大不了的，”他向那些喜欢罗恩和他妻子的朋友解释道，尽管他比罗恩稍微漂亮一点。
"We really were too young when we got married.
“我们结婚的时候确实太年轻了。
College sweethearts.
大学情侣。
But we're still best friends," he assured them.
但我们仍然是最好的朋友，”他向他们保证。
They understood.
他们明白了。
Most of Ron's friends were divorced by then, too.
那时罗恩的大多数朋友也离婚了。
Ron orders a scotch and soda with a twist and goes back to reading his paper.
罗恩点了一杯苏格兰苏打水，然后继续看他的报纸。
He lights a cigarette.
他点了一支烟。
He goes on reading.
他继续读书。
He takes a second sip of his drink.
他又喝了一口酒。
Everyone in the room-- the three or four men scattered along the bar, the tall, thin bartender, and several people in the booths in back-- watches him do these ordinary things.
房间里的每个人——分散在吧台边的三四个人、高瘦的调酒师，以及后面包厢里的几个人——都看着他做这些普通的事情。
He has got to the classified section, is perhaps searching for someone willing to come in once a week and clean his apartment, when the woman who will turn out to be Sarah Cole leaves a booth in the back and approaches him.
他已经到达机密部门，也许正在寻找愿意每周一次来打扫他的公寓的人，这时那个名叫莎拉·科尔的女人离开后面的一个隔间并向他走来。
She comes up from the side and sits next to him.
她从旁边走上来，坐在他旁边。
She's wearing heavy tan cowboy boots, and a dark brown suede cowboy hat, lumpy jeans, and a yellow T-shirt that clings to her arms, breasts, and round belly like the skin of a sausage.
她穿着厚重的棕褐色牛仔靴，戴着深棕色绒面革牛仔帽，牛仔裤，黄色 T 恤紧贴在她的手臂、胸部和圆圆的肚子上，就像香肠的皮一样。
Though he will later learn that she is 38 years old, she looks older by about 10 years, which makes her look about 20 years older than he actually is.
虽然后来他才知道她已经38岁了，但她看起来老了大约10岁，这让她看起来比他的实际年龄大约老20岁。
"It's not bad here at the bar," she says, looking around.
“酒吧里的情况还不错，”她环顾四周说道。
"More light, anyhow.
“无论如何，更多的光。
What you reading?" she asks brightly, planting both elbows on the bar.
你读什么？”她把双肘撑在吧台上，明亮地问道。
Ron looks up from his paper with a slight smile on his lips, sees the face of a woman homelier than any he has ever seen or imagined before, and goes on smiling lightly.
罗恩从报纸上抬起头来，嘴唇上挂着一丝微笑，看到一张比他以前见过或想象过的女人的脸更相貌的脸，然后继续微笑。
He feels himself falling into her tiny, slightly crossed dark brown eyes, pulls himself back, and studies, for a few seconds, her mottled, pocked complexion, bulbous nose, loose mouth, twisted and gapped teeth, and heavy but receding chin.
他感觉自己陷入了她那双小而微斜的深棕色眼睛里，他把自己拉了回来，花了几秒钟的时间审视着她斑驳、麻子的肤色、球状鼻子、松动的嘴巴、扭曲而有缝隙的牙齿，以及沉重但后缩的下巴。
He casts a glance over her thatch of dun-colored hair, and along her neck and throat, where acne burns against gray skin, and returns to her eyes, and again feels himself falling into her.
他扫了一眼她那一头暗褐色的头发，沿着她的脖子和喉咙，灰色的皮肤上长满粉刺，然后又回到她的眼睛，再次感觉自己陷入了她的怀里。
"What did you say?" he asks.
“你说什么？”他问道。
She knocks a mentholated cigarette from her pack and Ron swiftly lights it.
她从烟盒里取出一支薄荷香烟，罗恩迅速点燃它。
Blowing smoke from her large, wing-shaped nostrils, she speaks again.
她从翅膀状的大鼻孔中吐出烟雾，再次开口说话。
Her voice is thick and nasal, a chocolate-colored voice.
她的声音浑厚，带着鼻音，巧克力色的声音。
"I asked you what you're reading, but I can see now." She belts out a single loud laugh.
“我问你在读什么，但我现在能明白了。”她大声笑了一声。
"The paper."
“那张纸。”
Ron laughs too.
罗恩也笑了。
"The paper.
“纸。
The Concord Monitor."
协和监视器。”
He is not hallucinating.
他不是产生幻觉了。
He clearly sees what is before him and admits-- no, he asserts to himself that he is speaking to the most unattractive woman he has ever seen, a fact that fascinates him, as if instead he was speaking to the most beautiful woman he has ever seen.
他清楚地看到了眼前的一切，并承认——不，他对自己断言，他正在和他见过的最没有魅力的女人说话，这一事实让他着迷，就好像他正在和他见过的最美丽的女人说话一样。
So he treasures the moment.
所以他很珍惜这一刻。
Attempts to hold it as if it were a golden ball, a disproportionately heavy object which, if he does not hold it lightly, with precision and firmness, will slip from his hand and roll across the lawn to the lip of the well and down, down to the bottom of the well, lost to him forever.
试图握住它，就好像它是一个金球，一个不成比例的沉重物体，如果他不轻轻地、精确地、坚定地握住它，它就会从他的手中滑落，滚过草坪，滚到井边，滚到井底，永远失去他。
To keep this moment here before him, he begins to ask questions.
为了记住这一刻，他开始提出问题。
He buys her a drink.
他请她喝一杯。
He smiles until it seems even to him that he is taking her and her life, its vicissitudes and woe, quite seriously.
他微笑着，直到连他自己都觉得他正在认真地对待她和她的生活，以及它的沧桑和不幸。
He learns her name, of course, and she volunteers the information that she spoke to him on a dare from one of the two women sitting in the booth behind her.
当然，他知道了她的名字，而她自愿向坐在她身后的两个女人之一的挑战中与他交谈的信息。
She turns on her school and smiles brazenly, triumphantly, to her friends-- two women, also homely, although nowhere as homely as she-- and dressed like her in cowboy boots, hats, and jeans.
她转向学校，对她的朋友们——两个同样相貌平庸的女人，尽管没有她那么相貌——厚颜无耻、得意地微笑，穿着和她一样的牛仔靴、帽子和牛仔裤。
One of the women, a blonde with an underslung jaw and wearing heavy eye makeup, flips a little wave at her, and as if embarrassed, she and the other woman at the booth turn back to their drinks and sip fiercely at straws.
其中一名金发女郎，下巴下垂，画着浓重的眼妆，向她轻轻挥了挥手，似乎很尴尬，她和摊位上的另一名女子转身继续喝饮料，用吸管猛烈地喝着。
Sarah returns to Ron and goes on telling him what he wants to know.
莎拉回到罗恩身边，继续告诉他他想知道的事情。
About her job and Rumford Press, about her divorced husband, who was a bastard and stupid and sick, she says, as if filling suddenly with sympathy for the man.
关于她的工作和拉姆福德出版社，关于她离婚的丈夫，他是一个私生子，愚蠢又病态，她说，好像突然对这个男人充满了同情。
She tells Ron about her three children, the youngest a girl in junior high school and boy crazy, the other two boys in high school and almost never at home anymore.
她向罗恩讲述了她的三个孩子，最小的一个是初中女孩，男孩疯狂，另外两个男孩正在上高中，几乎不再在家了。
She speaks of her children with genuine tenderness and concern, and Ron is touched.
她谈到她的孩子时充满了真诚的温柔和关心，罗恩很感动。
He can see with what pleasure and pain she speaks of her children.
他可以看到她谈到她的孩子时是多么高兴和痛苦。
He watches her tiny eyes light up and water over when he asks their names.
当他问起他们的名字时，他看到她的小眼睛闪闪发亮，流着泪。
She smiles, looks at her empty glass.
她微笑着，看着空空的杯子。
"No. No, I'm not.
“不。不，我不是。
But you're a nice man to tell me that."
但你能告诉我这些，真是个好人。”
Ron, with a gesture, asks the bartender to refill Sarah's class.
罗恩做了个手势，请调酒师给莎拉的课补充酒。
She's drinking White Russians.
她正在喝白俄罗斯酒。
She asks him about himself, his job, his divorce, how long he has lived in Concord, but he finds that he is not at all interested in telling her about himself.
她向他询问自己的情况、工作、离婚情况、在康科德住了多久，但他发现自己根本没有兴趣告诉她自己的情况。
He wants to know about her, even though what she has to tell them about herself is predictable and ordinary, and the way she tells it unadorned and cliched.
他想了解她，尽管她必须告诉他们关于她自己的事情是可以预见的、平凡的，而且她讲述的方式朴素而陈词滥调。
He wonders about her husband.
他想知道她丈夫的情况。
What kind of man would fall in love with Sarah Cole?
什么样的男人会爱上莎拉·科尔？
That scene, at Osgood's Lounge in Concord, ended with Ron's departure alone after having bought Sarah a second drink and Sarah's return to her friends in the booth.
那场戏发生在康科德的奥斯古德酒廊，最终罗恩给莎拉买了第二杯饮料后独自离开，莎拉回到摊位里的朋友身边。
I don't know what she told them, but it's not hard to imagine.
我不知道她告诉了他们什么，但这并不难想象。
The three women were not close friends-- merely fellow workers at Rumford Press, where they stood at the end of a long conveyor belt, day after day, packing TV Guides into cartons.
这三个女人并不是亲密的朋友，只是拉姆福德出版社的同事，她们站在长长的传送带的末端，日复一日地将电视指南装入纸箱。
They all hated their jobs, and frequently after work, when they worked the day shift, they put on the cowboy hats and boots, which they kept all day in their lockers, and stopped for a drink or two on their way home.
他们都讨厌自己的工作，经常在下班后，当他们上白班时，他们戴上牛仔帽和靴子，把它们整天放在储物柜里，然后在回家的路上停下来喝一两杯。
This had been their first visit to Osgood's, however, a place that prior to this, they had avoided out of a sneering belief that no one went there but lawyers and insurance men.
然而，这是他们第一次访问奥斯古德，在此之前，他们出于一种嘲笑的信念而避开了这个地方，因为他们认为除了律师和保险人员之外没有人去那里。
"We'll have to come in here again," Sarah said to her friends, her voice rising slightly.
“我们必须再次来到这里，”莎拉对她的朋友们说，她的声音稍微提高了。
Which they did, that Friday.
那个星期五他们就这么做了。
And once again, Ron appeared with his evening newspaper.
罗恩再次带着他的晚报出现了。
After a few minutes, Sarah was once again at his side.
几分钟后，莎拉再次来到他身边。
"Hi."
“你好。”
I said earlier that I'm the man in this story and my friend Sarah Cole, now dead, is the woman.
我之前说过，我是这个故事中的男人，而我的朋友莎拉·科尔（现已去世）是女人。
I think back to that night, the second time I had seen Sarah, and I tremble-- not with fear, but in shame.
我回想起那天晚上，我第二次见到莎拉，我浑身发抖——不是因为害怕，而是因为羞耻。
My concern then, when I was first becoming involved with Sarah, was merely with the moment.
当我第一次和莎拉交往时，我关心的只是那一刻。
Holding onto it.
抓住它。
She talked more easily than she had the night before, and I listened as eagerly and carefully as I had before, again with the same motives-- to keep her in front of me, to draw her forward from the context of her life, and place her, as if she were an object, into the context of mine.
她说得比前一天晚上轻松多了，我也像以前一样热切而仔细地听着，同样的动机——让她站在我的面前，把她从她的生活背景中拉出来，把她当作一个物体，放到我的背景中。
I did not know how cruel this was.
我不知道这是多么残酷。
When you've never done a thing before, and that thing is not simply and clearly right or wrong, you frequently do not know if it is a cruel thing.
当你以前从未做过一件事，而且那件事不是简单明了的对错时，你常常不知道这是否是一件残酷的事情。
You just go ahead and do it.
你只要继续去做就可以了。
Maybe later you'll be able to determine whether you acted cruelly.
也许稍后你就能确定自己的行为是否残忍。
Too late, of course, but at least you'll know.
当然，太晚了，但至少你会知道。
One night several weeks later, Ron meets Sarah at Osgood's, and after buying her three White Russians and drinking three scotches himself, he takes her back to his apartment in his car, a Datsun fastback coupe that she says she admires-- for the sole purpose of making love to her.
几周后的一天晚上，罗恩在奥斯古德店遇见了莎拉，给她买了三杯白俄罗斯啤酒，自己也喝了三杯苏格兰威士忌后，他开着自己的车带她回到自己的公寓，那是一辆她说她很欣赏的达特桑快背轿跑车，唯一的目的就是和她做爱。
I'm still the man in the story and Sarah is still the woman.
我仍然是故事中的男人，莎拉仍然是女人。
But I'm telling it this way because what I have to tell you now confuses me, embarrasses me, and makes me sad.
但我这样告诉你是因为我现在要告诉你的事情让我感到困惑，让我尴尬，让我悲伤。
And consequently, I'm likely to tell it falsely.
因此，我很可能会说谎。
I'm likely to cover the truth by making Sarah a better woman than she actually was while making me appear worse than I actually was, or am.
我可能会通过让莎拉成为一个比她实际上更好的女人，同时让我看起来比我实际上更糟糕来掩盖真相。
Or else I'll do the opposite, makes Sarah worse than she was, and me better.
否则我会做相反的事情，让莎拉比她更糟糕，而我却更好。
The truth is, I was pretty-- extremely so.
事实是，我很漂亮——非常漂亮。
And she was not-- extremely so.
而她却并非——极其如此。
And I knew it, and she knew it.
我知道这一点，她也知道这一点。
She walked out the door of Osgood's determined to make love to a man much prettier than any she had seen up close before, and I walked out determined to make love to a woman much homelier than any I had made love to before.
她走出奥斯古德的门，决心要和一个比她以前近距离见过的任何男人都漂亮得多的男人做爱，而我走出去，决心要和一个比我以前做爱的任何女人都漂亮得多的女人做爱。
We were, in a sense, equals.
从某种意义上说，我们是平等的。
No, that's not exactly true.
不，这不完全正确。
I'm not at all sure she feels as Ron does.
我完全不确定她的感受是否和罗恩一样。
That is to say, perhaps she genuinely likes the man, in spite of his being the most physically attractive man she has ever known.
也就是说，也许她真的喜欢这个男人，尽管他是她所认识的外表上最有吸引力的男人。
Ron unlocks the door to his apartment, walks in ahead of her, and flicks on the lamp beside the couch.
罗恩打开公寓的门，走在她前面，打开沙发旁边的灯。
It's a small, single bedroom, modern apartment, one of 30 identical apartments in a large brick building on the Heights just east of downtown Concord.
这是一套小型单卧室现代化公寓，是康科德市中心以东高地一栋大型砖砌建筑中 30 套相同公寓的其中之一。
Sarah stands nervously at the door, peering in.
莎拉紧张地站在门口，向里张望。
"Come in!
“进来吧！
Come in!" Ron says.
进来吧！”罗恩说。
She steps timidity in and closes the door behind her.
她胆怯地走了进来，关上了身后的门。
She removes her cowboy hat, then quickly puts it back on, crosses the living room, and plops down in a blonde easy chair, seeming to shrink in its hug out of sight to safety.
她摘下牛仔帽，然后迅速戴上，穿过客厅，扑通一声坐在一张金色安乐椅上，似乎在它的怀抱中缩了缩，躲到了安全的视线之外。
Behind her, Ron, at the entry to the kitchen, places one hand on her shoulder, and she stiffens.
在她身后，罗恩在厨房入口处将一只手放在她的肩膀上，她僵住了。
He removes his hand.
他松开手。
"Would you like a drink?"
“你想喝点什么吗？”
"No, I guess not," she says, staring straight ahead at the wall opposite, where a large, framed photograph of a bicyclist advertises in French the Tour de France.
“不，我想不是，”她说，眼睛直视着对面的墙壁，墙上有一张骑自行车者的镶框大照片，用法语宣传环法自行车赛。
Around the corner, in an alcove off the living room, a silvery gray 21-speed bicycle leans casually against the wall, glistening and poised, slender as a thoroughbred racehorse.
在拐角处，客厅旁边的凹室里，一辆银灰色的 21 速自行车随意靠在墙上，闪闪发光，泰然自若，苗条得像一匹纯种赛马。
"I don't know," she says.
“我不知道，”她说。
Ron is in the kitchen now, making himself a drink.
罗恩现在在厨房里，给自己准备一杯饮料。
"I don't know.
“我不知道。
I don't know."
我不知道。”
"What?
“什么？
Change your mind?
改变主意吗？
I can make a White Russian for you.
我可以给你做一个白俄罗斯。
Vodka, cream, Kahlua, and ice, right?"
伏特加、奶油、甘露酒和冰块，对吧？”
Sarah tries to cross her legs, but she is sitting too low in the chair, and her legs are too thick at the thighs, so she ends, after a struggle, with one leg in the air and the other twisted on its side.
莎拉试图盘起双腿，但她在椅子上坐得太低，而且她的腿在大腿处太粗，所以在一番挣扎后，她最终一条腿悬在空中，另一条腿扭到一边。
She looks as if she has fallen from a great height.
她看起来就像是从很高的地方掉下来一样。
Ron steps out from the kitchen, places one hand on Sarah's shoulder.
罗恩走出厨房，将一只手放在莎拉的肩膀上。
And this time she does not stiffen, though she does not exactly relax, either.
这次她没有僵硬，但也没有完全放松。
She sits there, a block of wood staring straight ahead.
她坐在那里，一块木头直视前方。
"Are you scared?" he asks gently.
“你害怕吗？”他轻声问道。
And he adds, "I am."
他补充道：“我是。”
"Well, no. I'm not scared." She remains silent for a moment.
“嗯，不。我不害怕。”她沉默了一会儿。
"You're scared?
“你害怕吗？
Of what?" She turns to face him, but avoids his blue eyes.
什么？她转身面对他，但避开了他的蓝眼睛。
"Well, I don't do this all the time, you know.
“好吧，我并不总是这样做，你知道。
Bring home a woman I--" he trails off.
带一个女人回家，我——”他的声音逐渐减弱。
"Picked up in a bar." "No, I mean.
“在酒吧里捡到的。” “不，我是说。
I like you, Sarah.
我喜欢你，莎拉。
I really do.
我真的这么做。
And I didn't just pick you up in a bar.
我不只是在酒吧接你。
You know that.
你知道的。
We've gotten to be friends, you and me."
我们已经成为朋友了，你和我。”
"You want to sleep with me?" she asks, still not meeting his steady gaze.
“你想和我一起睡吗？”她问道，仍然没有直视他坚定的目光。
"Yes." He seems to mean it.
“是的。”他似乎是这个意思。
He does not take a gulp or even a sip from his drink.
他没有喝一口，甚至没有喝一口。
He just says "yes," straight out and cleanly.
他只是直接、干净地说“是”。
Not too quickly, either, and not after hesitant delay.
也不能太快，也不能在犹豫不决的拖延之后。
A simple statement of a simple fact.
对一个简单事实的简单陈述。
The man wants to make love to the woman.
男人想和女人做爱。
She asked him and he told her.
她问他，他告诉她。
What could be simpler?
还有什么可以更简单呢？
"Do you want to sleep with me?" he asks.
“你想和我一起睡吗？”他问道。
She turns around in the chair, faces the wall again, and says, in a low voice, "Sure I do.
她在椅子上转过身来，再次面向墙壁，低声说道：“当然。
But it's hard to explain."
但这很难解释。”
"What?
“什么？
But what?" Placing his glass down on the table between the chair and the sofa, he puts both hands on her shoulders and lightly kneads them.
但什么？”他把酒杯放在椅子和沙发之间的桌子上，双手放在她的肩上，轻轻揉捏。
He knows he can be discouraged from pursuing this, but he is not sure how easily.
他知道他可能会因此而放弃，但他不确定有多容易。
"You and me, Ron-- we're real different." She glances at the bicycle in the corner.
“你和我，罗恩——我们真的很不同。”她看了一眼角落里的自行车。
"A man and a woman," he says.
“一个男人和一个女人，”他说。
"No, not that.
“不，不是那样。
I mean different, that's all.
我的意思是不同，仅此而已。
Really different.
真的不一样。
More than you think.
比你想象的还要多。
You're nice, but you don't know what I mean, and that's one of the things that makes you so nice.
你很好，但你不明白我的意思，这就是让你如此友善的原因之一。
But we're different.
但我们不同。
"Listen," she says.
“听着，”她说。
"I gotta go.
“我得走了。
I gotta leave now."
我现在得走了。”
The man removes his hands and retrieves his glass, takes a sip, and watches her over the rim of the glass, as, not without difficulty, the woman rises from the chair and moves swiftly toward the door.
男人松开手，拿起酒杯，抿了一口，越过酒杯边缘看着她，而女人则费力地从椅子上站起来，迅速朝门口走去。
She stops at the door, squares her hat on her head, and glances back at him.
她在门口停下来，把帽子戴在头上，回头看了他一眼。
"We can be friends, though.
“不过我们可以成为朋友。
OK?" she says.
好吗？”她说。
"OK.
“好的。
Friends." "I'll see you again down at Osgood's, right?"
朋友们。” “我会在奥斯古德那里再次见到你们，对吗？”
"Oh, yeah.
“哦，是的。
Sure.
当然。
"Good.
“好。
See you," she says, opening the door.
再见，”她说着打开了门。
The door closes.
门关上了。
The man walks around the sofa, snaps on the television set, and sits down in front of it.
男人绕过沙发，打开电视机，然后在电视机前坐下。
He picks up a TV Guide from the coffee table and flips through it.
他从咖啡桌上拿起一本电视指南并翻阅。
He does not once connect the magazine in his hand to the woman who has just left his apartment, even though he knows she spends her days packing TV Guides into cartons that get shipped to warehouses in distant parts of New England.
他一次也没有将手中的杂志与刚刚离开他公寓的那个女人联系起来，尽管他知道她整天都在把电视指南装进纸箱，然后运到新英格兰遥远的仓库。
He'll think of the connection some other night, but by then, the connection will be merely sentimental.
改天晚上他会想起这种联系，但到那时，这种联系将只是情感上的。
It will be too late for him to understand what she meant by "different."
当他明白她所说的“不同”是什么意思时，已经太晚了。
But that's not the point of my story.
但这不是我故事的重点。
Certainly it's an aspect of the story-- the political aspect, if you want.
当然，如果你愿意的话，这是故事的一个方面——政治方面。
But it's not the reason I'm trying to tell it in the first place.
但这并不是我首先尝试讲述它的原因。
I'm trying to tell the story so that I can understand what happened between me and Sarah Cole that summer and early autumn ten years ago.
我试图讲述这个故事，以便我能够了解十年前那个夏天和初秋我和莎拉·科尔之间发生的事情。
To say we were lovers says very little about what happened.
说我们是恋人并没有说明所发生的事情。
To say we were friends says even less.
说我们是朋友就更不用说了。
No, if I'm to understand the whole thing, I'll have to say the whole thing.
不，如果我要理解整件事，我就必须说整件事。
For in the end, what I need to know was whether what happened between me and Sarah Cole was right or wrong.
因为最终，我需要知道的是我和莎拉·科尔之间发生的事情是对还是错。
Character is fate, which suggests that if a man can know and to some degree control his character, he can know, and to that same degree, control his fate.
性格就是命运，这意味着如果一个人能够认识并在一定程度上控制自己的性格，那么他就能认识并在一定程度上控制自己的命运。
The next time Sarah and I were together, we were at her apartment in the south end of Concord, a second floor flat in a tenement building on Perley Street.
莎拉和我下次在一起时，我们是在她位于康科德南端的公寓里，那是珀利街一栋公寓楼的二楼公寓。
I'd stayed away from Osgood's for several weeks, deliberately trying to avoid running into Sarah there, though I never quite put it that way to myself.
我已经离开奥斯古德家好几个星期了，故意避免在那里遇见莎拉，尽管我从来没有对自己这么说过。
I found excuses and generated interest in and reasons for going elsewhere after work.
我找到了借口，并产生了下班后去其他地方的兴趣和理由。
Yet I did meet her-- inadvertently, of course.
但我确实遇见了她——当然是无意中。
After picking up shirts at the cleaner's on South Main and Perley Streets, I'd gone down Perley on my way to South State and the post office.
在南大街和珀利街的清洁店取完衬衫后，我沿着珀利前往南州和邮局。
It was a Saturday morning, and this trip on my bicycle was part of my regular Saturday routine.
那是一个星期六的早上，这次骑自行车旅行是我星期六例行公事的一部分。
I did not remember that Sarah lived on Perley Street, although she had told me several times, in a complaining way.
我不记得莎拉住在珀利街，尽管她曾多次以抱怨的方式告诉过我。
It's a rough neighborhood.
这是一个简陋的街区。
Packed dirt yards, shabby apartment buildings, the carcasses of old, half-stripped cars on cinder blocks in the driveways, broken red and yellow plastic tricycles on the cracked sidewalks.
拥挤的泥土庭院、破旧的公寓楼、车道上的煤渣块上停着半拆的旧汽车残骸、破裂的人行道上破损的红色和黄色塑料三轮车。
But as soon as I saw her, I remembered.
但当我看到她的时候，我就想起来了。
It was too late to avoid meeting her.
想要避免见到她已经太晚了。
I was riding my bike wearing shorts and T-shirt, the package containing my folded and starched shirts hooked onto the carrier behind me, and she was walking toward me along the sidewalk, lugging two large bags of groceries.
我穿着短裤和 T 恤骑着自行车，里面装着我折叠起来、浆过的衬衫的包裹挂在我身后的提篮上，而她正沿着人行道向我走来，拖着两大袋杂货。
She saw me and I stopped.
她看到了我，我停了下来。
We talked and I offered to carry her groceries for her.
我们聊了聊，我主动提出帮她搬运杂货。
I took the bags while she led the bike, handling it carefully, as if she were afraid she might break it.
我接过袋子，她牵着自行车，小心翼翼地搬运着，好像她担心自己会把自行车弄坏一样。
At the stoop, we came to a halt.
到了弯道处，我们停了下来。
She leaned the bike against the banister and reached for her groceries.
她把自行车靠在栏杆上，伸手去拿她的杂货。
"I'll carry them up for you," I said.
“我会帮你拿起来的，”我说。
I directed her to loop the chain lock from the bike to the banister rail and snap it shut, and told her to bring my shirts up with her.
我指示她将自行车上的链锁绕到栏杆栏杆上，然后将其锁上，并告诉她把我的衬衫带上来。
"Maybe you'd like a beer?" she said as she opened the door to the darkened hallway.
“也许你想喝点啤酒？”她一边说，一边打开通向黑暗走廊的门。
Narrow stairs disappeared in front of me into heavy, damp darkness, and the air smelled like old newspapers.
狭窄的楼梯在我面前消失在沉重、潮湿的黑暗中，空气中弥漫着旧报纸的味道。
"Sure," I said, and followed her up.
“当然，”我说，然后跟着她。
"Sorry there's no light.
“抱歉，没有光。
I can't get them to fix it."
我无法让他们解决这个问题。”
"No matter.
“没关系。
I can follow along," I said.
我可以跟着，”我说。
And even in the dim light of the hall, I could see the large blue veins that cascaded thickly down the backs of her legs.
即使在大厅昏暗的灯光下，我也能看到她腿背上密密麻麻的蓝色大血管。
She wore tight, white dot Bermuda shorts, rubber shower sandals, and a pink sleeveless sweater.
她穿着紧身白点百慕大短裤、橡胶凉鞋和粉色无袖毛衣。
I pictured her in the cashier's line at the supermarket.
我想象她在超市收银台排队的情景。
I would have been behind her, a stranger, and on seeing her, I would have turned away and studied the covers of the magazines-- TV Guide, People, the National Enquirer.
我会站在她身后，一个陌生人，一看到她，我就会转过身去研究杂志的封面——《电视指南》、《人物》、《国家询问报》。
Yet here I was inviting myself into her home, eagerly staring at the backs of her ravaged legs, her sad, tasteless clothing, her poverty.
然而在这里，我邀请自己走进她的家，热切地盯着她被蹂躏的腿背，她悲伤、无味的衣服，她的贫穷。
Picture this.
想象一下这个。
The man enters the apartment behind the woman.
男人跟在女人后面进入公寓。
She waves him toward the table in the kitchen, where he sets down the bags and looks good naturedly around the room.
她挥手示意他走向厨房的桌子，他在那里放下袋子，在房间里看起来很友善。
"What about the beer you bribed me with?" he asks.
“那你贿赂我的啤酒呢？”他问道。
The apartment is cluttered with old, oversized furniture, yard sale and secondhand stuff-- neat and arranged in a more or less orderly way, however-- and the man seems comfortable there.
公寓里堆满了旧的、超大的家具、庭院旧货和二手物品——然而，整洁且排列得或多或少有秩序——而且这个男人在那里看起来很舒服。
He strolls from the kitchen to the living room and peeks into the three small bedrooms that branch off a hallway behind the living room.
他从厨房漫步到客厅，瞥见客厅后面的走廊分出的三间小卧室。
"Nice place," he calls to the woman.
“好地方，”他对那个女人喊道。
He studies the framed pictures of her three children, arranged as if on an altar, atop the buffet.
他研究着她三个孩子的镶框照片，这些照片排列在自助餐顶部的祭坛上。
"Nice looking kids," he calls out.
“孩子们看起来很漂亮，”他喊道。
When he returns to the kitchen, the woman is putting away her groceries, her back to him.
当他回到厨房时，那个女人正在收拾她的杂货，背对着他。
"You sure are quiet today, Sarah," he says in a low voice.
“你今天确实很安静，莎拉，”他低声说道。
"Everything OK?"
“一切都好吗？”
Silently, she turns away from the grocery bags, crosses the room to the man, reaches up to him, and holding him by the head, kisses his mouth, rolls her torso against his, drops her hands to his hips and yanks him tightly to her, and goes on kissing him, eyes closed, working her face furiously against his.
她默默地离开杂货袋，穿过房间来到那个男人身边，伸手抱住他的头，亲吻他的嘴，将她的躯干靠在他的身上，双手放在他的臀部，把他紧紧地拉向自己，然后继续亲吻他，闭上眼睛，用她的脸疯狂地贴着他的脸。
The man places his hands on her shoulders and pulls away, and they face each other, wide-eyed, amazed, and frightened.
男人双手搭在她的肩膀上，然后抽身离开，他们面对面，睁大眼睛，既惊讶又害怕。
The man drops his hands and the woman lets go of his hips.
男人放下手，女人松开臀部。
Then after a few seconds, the man silently turns, goes to the door, and leaves.
几秒钟后，男人默默地转身，走到门口，离开了。
Sarah appeared at my apartment door the following morning-- a Sunday, cool and rainy.
第二天早上，莎拉出现在我的公寓门口——那是周日，凉爽多雨。
She had brought me the package of freshly laundered shirts I had left in the kitchen, and when I opened the door to her, she simply held the package out to me as if it were a penitence gift.
她给我带来了我留在厨房的一包刚洗好的衬衫，当我给她开门时，她只是把包裹递给我，就好像这是一份忏悔礼物。
She wore a yellow rain slicker and cap and looked more like a disconsolate schoolgirl facing an angry teacher than a grown woman dropping a package off at a friend's apartment.
她穿着黄色雨衣，戴着帽子，看起来更像是一个面对愤怒老师的沮丧女学生，而不是一个在朋友公寓扔包裹的成年女性。
I invited her inside and she accepted my invitation.
我邀请她进去，她接受了我的邀请。
I had been reading the Sunday New York Times on the coach and drinking coffee, lounging through the gray morning in bathrobe and pajamas.
我在车上读着周日的《纽约时报》，喝着咖啡，穿着浴袍和睡衣懒洋洋地度过了这个灰色的早晨。
I told her to take off her wet raincoat and hat and hang them in the closet by the door and started for the kitchen to get her a cup of coffee when I stopped, turned, and looked at her.
我让她脱掉湿漉漉的雨衣和帽子，把它们挂在门边的衣柜里，然后去厨房给她倒杯咖啡，这时我停下来，转身看着她。
She closed the closet door in yellow raincoat and hat, turned around, and faced me.
她穿着黄色雨衣，戴着帽子，关上衣柜门，转过身来，面对着我。
What else can I do?
我还能做什么？
I must describe.
我必须描述一下。
I remember that moment of ten years ago as if it occurred ten minutes ago.
我记得十年前的那一刻，仿佛发生在十分钟前。
The package of shirts on the table behind her, the newspapers scattered all over the couch and floor, the sound of windblown rain washing the side of the building outside, and the silence of the room as we stood across from one another and watched while we each, simultaneously, removed our own clothing.
她身后的桌子上放着一包衬衫，报纸散落在沙发和地板上，风雨冲刷着外面大楼的一侧，房间里一片寂静，我们面对面站着，看着我们同时脱掉自己的衣服。
My robe, her blouse and skirt, my pajama top, her slip and bra, my pajama bottoms, her underpants, until we were both standing naked in the harsh, gray light, two naked members of the same species.
我的长袍，她的衬衫和裙子，我的睡衣上衣，她的衬裙和胸罩，我的睡裤，她的内裤，直到我们都赤身裸体地站在刺眼的灰色光线下，成为同一物种的两个赤身裸体的成员。
A male and a female.
一名男性和一名女性。
The male somewhat younger and slightly less scarred than the female, the female somewhat less delicately constructed than the male.
雄性比雌性更年轻，伤痕也稍微少一些，雌性的构造也比雄性略逊一筹。
Both individuals, pale-skinned, with dark thatches of hair in the areas of their genitals, both individuals standing slackly as if a great, protracted tension between them had at last been released.
两个人都皮肤苍白，生殖器处长着深色的毛发，两个人都懒洋洋地站着，仿佛他们之间长期存在的巨大紧张终于得到了释放。
We made love that morning in my bed for long hours that drifted easily into the afternoon, and we talked, as people usually do when they spend half a day or half a night in bed together.
那天早上我们在床上做爱了很长时间，很容易就进入了下午，我们聊天，就像人们在床上一起度过半天或半夜时通常所做的那样。
During the next few weeks, we met and made love often, and always at my apartment.
在接下来的几周里，我们经常见面、做爱，而且总是在我的公寓里。
On arriving home from work, I would phone her, or if not, she would phone me, and after a few feints and dodges, one would suggest to the other that we get together tonight, and a half hour later, she'd be at my door.
下班回家后，我会给她打电话，如果没有，她也会给我打电话，经过几次佯攻和躲闪后，一个人会向另一个人建议我们今晚见面，半小时后，她就会到我家门口。
Our lovemaking was passionate, skillful, kindly, and deeply satisfying.
我们的做爱是充满激情、熟练、友善和深深满足的。
Then one hot night, a Saturday in August, we were lying in bed atop the tangled sheets, smoking cigarettes and chatting idly, and Sarah suggested that we go out for a drink.
然后一个炎热的夜晚，八月的一个星期六，我们躺在床上，铺着乱七八糟的床单，抽烟，闲聊，莎拉建议我们出去喝一杯。
"Out?
“出去？
Now?" "Sure.
现在？” “当然。
It's early.
还早呢。
What time is it?"
现在几点了？”
I scanned the digital clock next to the bed.
我扫描了床边的数字时钟。
"9:49."
“9点49分。”
"There.
“那儿。
See?" "That's not so early.
看到了吗？” “那还不算早。
You usually go home by 11, you know.
你知道，你通常十一点就回家。
It's almost 10."
已经快10点了。”
"No, it's only a little after 9.
“不，现在才九点多一点。
Depends on how you look at things.
取决于你如何看待事物。
Besides, Ron, it's Saturday night.
而且，罗恩，现在是星期六晚上。
Or is this the only thing you know how to do?" she said, and poked me in the ribs.
或者这是你唯一知道怎么做的事情？”她说着，戳了戳我的肋骨。
"You know how to dance?
“你知道怎么跳舞吗？
You like to dance?"
你喜欢跳舞吗？”
"Yeah, sure, sure.
“是的，当然，当然。
But not tonight.
但今晚不行。
It's too hot, and I'm tired." But she persisted, happily pointing out that an air-conditioned bar would be as cool as my apartment, and we didn't have to go to a dance bar.
天气太热了，我也累了。”但她坚持了下来，高兴地指出，有空调的酒吧会像我的公寓一样凉爽，而且我们不必去舞厅。
We could go to Osgood's.
我们可以去奥斯古德家。
"As a compromise," she said.
“作为妥协，”她说。
I suggested a place called the El Rancho, a restaurant with a large, dark cocktail lounge and dance bar located several miles from town on the old Portsmouth Highway.
我推荐了一家名为 El Rancho 的餐厅，这家餐厅位于旧朴茨茅斯高速公路上，距离城镇数英里，设有宽敞、黑暗的鸡尾酒酒廊和舞厅。
Around 9, the restaurant closed and the bar became something of a roadhouse, with a small Country and Western band and a clientele drawn from the four or five villages that adjoined Concord on the north and east.
九点左右，餐厅关门了，酒吧变成了一家旅馆，有一支小型乡村和西部乐队，顾客来自康科德北部和东部毗邻的四五个村庄。
I had eaten at the restaurant once, but had never gone to the bar.
我曾在餐厅吃过一次饭，但从未去过酒吧。
And I didn't know anyone who had.
我不认识任何人。
Sarah was silent for a moment.
莎拉沉默了一会儿。
Then she lit a cigarette and drew the sheet over her naked body.
然后她点了一根烟，用床单盖住了自己赤裸的身体。
"You don't want anybody to know about us, Ron.
“你不想让任何人知道我们的事，罗恩。
Do you."
你呢。”
"That's not it.
“不是这样的。
I just don't like gossip, and I work with a lot of people who show up sometimes at Osgood's.
我只是不喜欢八卦，而且我和很多有时出现在奥斯古德餐厅的人一起工作。
On a Saturday night, especially."
尤其是在周六晚上。”
"No," she said firmly.
“不，”她坚定地说。
"You're ashamed of being seen with me.
“你因为被人看见和我在一起而感到羞耻。
You'll sleep with me, all right, but you won't go out in public with me."
你可以和我一起睡，但是你不会和我一起出去。”
"That's not true, Sarah." She was silent again.
“这不是真的，莎拉。”她又沉默了。
Relieved, I reached across her to the bed table and got my cigarettes and lighter.
我松了口气，越过她，走到床边的桌子上，拿了香烟和打火机。
"You owe me, Ron," she said suddenly as I passed over her.
“你欠我的，罗恩，”当我从她身边经过时，她突然说道。
"You owe me."
“你欠我的。”
"I don't know what you're talking about, Sarah.
“我不知道你在说什么，莎拉。
I don't owe you anything."
我不欠你什么。”
"Friendship you owe me, and respect.
“你欠我友谊和尊重。
Friendship and respect.
友谊和尊重。
A person can't do what you've done with me without owing them friendship and respect."
一个人如果不欠他们友谊和尊重，就无法做你对我所做的事情。”
"Sarah, I really don't know what you're talking about," I said.
“莎拉，我真的不知道你在说什么，”我说。
"I am your friend.
“我是你的朋友。
You know that.
你知道的。
And I respect you.
我尊重你。
I do."
我愿意。”
"Yes, of course." She said nothing for several long moments.
“是的当然。”她好长一段时间都没有说话。
Then she sighed, and in her low, almost inaudible voice, said, "Then you'll have to go out in public with me.
然后她叹了口气，用低沉得几乎听不见的声音说道：“那你就得和我一起出去了。
I don't care about Osgood's or the people you work with.
我不关心奥斯古德或与你一起工作的人。
We don't have to go there or see any of them," she said.
我们不必去那里或看到他们中的任何一个，”她说。
"But you're going to have to go to places like the El Rancho with me, and a few other places I know, too, where there's people I know.
“但是你必须和我一起去像埃尔兰乔这样的地方，还有我知道的其他一些地方，那里有我认识的人。
People I work with.
和我一起工作的人。
And maybe we'll even go to a couple of parties, because I get invited to parties sometimes, you know.
也许我们甚至会去参加几个聚会，因为有时我会被邀请参加聚会，你知道。
I have friends.
我有朋友。
And I have some family, too, and you're going to have to meet my family.
我也有一些家人，你也必须去见见我的家人。
My kids think I'm just going around bar-hopping when I'm over here with you and I don't like that.
我的孩子们认为我和你们在一起时只是在酒吧里闲逛，但我不喜欢这样。
So you're going to have to meet them, so I can tell them where I am when I'm not at home nights.
所以你必须去见他们，这样当我晚上不在家时我就可以告诉他们我在哪里。
And sometimes you're going to come over and spend the evening at my place."
有时你会过来我家过夜。”
Her voice had risen as she heard her demands and felt their rightness until now she was almost shouting at me.
当她听到自己的要求并感到自己的要求是正确的时，她的声音提高了，直到现在她几乎对我大喊大叫。
"You owe that to me, or else you're a bad man.
“这是你欠我的，否则你就是个坏人。
It's that simple, Ron." It was.
就这么简单，罗恩。”是的。
The handsome man is overdressed.
英俊的男人打扮得太过分了。
He is wearing a navy blue blazer, taupe shirt, open at the throat, white slacks, white loafers.
他穿着海军蓝色西装外套、灰褐色衬衫、领口敞开、白色休闲裤、白色乐福鞋。
Everyone else, including the homely woman with the handsome man, is dressed appropriately-- that is, like everyone else.
其他人，包括相貌平平的女人和英俊的男人，都穿着得体——也就是说，和其他人一样。
Jeans and cowboy boots, blouses or cowboy shirts or T-shirts with catchy sayings or the names of Country and Western singers printed across the front.
牛仔裤和牛仔靴、衬衫或牛仔衬衫或 T 恤，正面印有朗朗上口的谚语或乡村和西部歌手的名字。
And many of the women are wearing cowboy hats pushed back and tied under their chins.
许多女性都戴着牛仔帽，帽子向后推，系在下巴下。
The man doesn't know anyone at the bar, or if they're at a party, in the room, but the woman knows most of the people there, and she gladly introduces him.
男人在酒吧里不认识任何人，或者在聚会上，在房间里，但女人认识那里的大多数人，她很高兴地把他介绍给他。
The men grin and shake his hand, slap him on his jacketed shoulder, ask him where he works, what's his line-- after which they lapse into silence.
男人们笑着握着他的手，拍拍他穿着夹克的肩膀，问他在哪里工作，他的路线是什么——之后他们陷入了沉默。
The women flirt briefly with their faces, but they lapse into silence even before the men do.
女人们短暂地用脸调情，但她们甚至在男人们之前就陷入了沉默。
The woman with the man in the blazer does most of the talking for everyone.
与穿西装外套的男人在一起的女人为每个人进行了大部分谈话。
She talks for the man in the blazer, for the men standing around the refrigerator, or if they're at a bar, for the other men at the table, and for the other women, too.
她为穿西装外套的男人说话，为站在冰箱周围的男人说话，或者如果他们在酒吧，为餐桌上的其他男人说话，也为其他女人说话。
She chats and rambles aimlessly through loud monologues, laughs uproariously at trivial jokes, and drinks too much, until soon she is drunk, thick-tongued, clumsy, and the man has to say her goodbyes and ease her out the door to his car, and drive her home to her apartment on Perley Street.
她漫无目的地喋喋不休，大声独白，为琐碎的笑话哈哈大笑，喝得太多，直到很快她就喝醉了，舌头厚重，笨手笨脚，男人不得不向她道别，把她从车门上扶起来，开车送她回家，回到珀利街的公寓。
This happens twice in one week and then three times the next.
这种情况在一周内发生两次，然后在接下来的一周内发生三次。
Ron no longer calls Sarah when he gets home from work.
罗恩下班回家后不再给莎拉打电话。
He waits for her call, and sometimes, when he knows it's she, he doesn't answer the phone.
他等待她的电话，有时，当他知道是她的时候，他就不接电话。
Usually he lets it ring five or six times, and he reaches down and picks up the receiver.
通常他会让铃声响五六声，然后伸手拿起听筒。
He has taken his jacket and vest off and loosened his tie and is about to put his supper, frozen manicotti, into the microwave oven.
他脱掉了夹克和背心，松开了领带，正准备将他的晚餐——冷冻通心粉放进微波炉。
"How are you doing?" "OK, I guess.
“你好吗？” “好吧，我猜。
A little tired.
有点累了。
"Still hungover?" "No, not really.
“还宿醉吗？” “不，不是真的。
Just tired.
只是累了。
I hate Mondays."
我讨厌星期一。”
"You have fun last night?" "Well yes, sort of.
“昨晚玩得开心吗？” “嗯，是的，有点像。
It's nice out there at the lake.
外面的湖边真好。
Listen," she says, brightening.
听着，”她说道，脸上的表情变得明亮起来。
"Why don't you come over here tonight?
“你今晚为什么不来这里？
The kids are all going out later, but if you come over before eight, you can meet them.
孩子们稍后都会出去，但如果你在八点之前过来，就可以见到他们。
They really want to meet you."
他们真的很想见见你。”
"You told them about me?" "Sure, a long time ago.
“你告诉他们我的事了？” “当然，很久以前了。
I'm not supposed to tell my own kids?"
我不应该告诉我自己的孩子吗？”
Ron is silent.
罗恩沉默了。
She says, "You don't want to come over here tonight.
她说：“今晚你不想来这里。
You don't want to meet my kids.
你不想见我的孩子们。
No, you don't want my kids to meet you, that's it.
不，你不想让我的孩子见到你，就是这样。
"No, no. It's just, I've got a lot of work to do."
“不不，只是，我还有很多工作要做。”
"We should talk," she announces in a flat voice.
“我们应该谈谈，”她用平淡的声音宣布。
They agree that she will meet him at his apartment and they'll talk, and they say goodbye and hang up.
他们同意她将在他的公寓与他见面并交谈，然后他们道别并挂断电话。
While Ron is heating his supper and then eating it alone at his kitchen table, and Sarah is feeding her children, perhaps I should admit, since we are nearing the end of my story, that I don't actually know that Sarah Cole is dead.
当罗恩正在加热他的晚餐，然后独自在厨房的桌子上吃它时，莎拉正在喂她的孩子们时，也许我应该承认，因为我们的故事即将结束，我实际上并不知道莎拉·科尔已经死了。
A few years ago, I happened to run into one of her friends from the Press, a blond woman with an underslung jaw.
几年前，我碰巧遇到了她的一位媒体朋友，一位金发碧眼的女人，下巴下垂。
Her name, she reminded me, was Glenda.
她提醒我，她的名字叫格伦达。
She had seen me at Osgood's a couple of times, and we had met at the El Rancho once, when I had gone there with Sarah.
她在奥斯古德见过我几次，我们在埃尔兰乔见过一次，当时我和莎拉一起去了那里。
We were standing outside the Sears store on South Main Street, where I'd gone to buy paint.
我们站在南大街的西尔斯商店外面，我去那儿买油漆。
I had recently remarried, and my wife and I were redecorating my apartment.
我最近再婚了，我和妻子正在重新装修我的公寓。
"Whatever happened to Sarah?" I ask Glenda.
“莎拉出了什么事？”我问格伦达。
"Is she still down at the Press?"
“她还在报社吗？”
"Jeez, no. She left a long time ago, way back.
“天哪，不。她很久以前就离开了，很久以前了。
I heard she went back with her ex-husband.
我听说她和她前夫一起回去了。
I can't remember his name.
我记不起他的名字了。
Something Cole.
科尔的东西。
Eddie Cole, maybe."
埃迪·科尔，也许吧。”
I asked her if she was sure of that, and she said no. She'd only heard it around the bars and at the Press.
我问她是否确定这一点，她说不。她只在酒吧和报刊里听到过。
But she assumed it was true.
但她认为这是真的。
People said Sarah had moved back with her ex-husband and was living for a while with him and the kids in a trailer in a park near Hooksett, and then when the kids, or at least the boys, get out of school, the rest of them moved down to Florida or someplace, because he was out of work.
人们说莎拉已经和她的前夫搬回来，在胡克塞特附近的一个公园里的一辆拖车里和他和孩子们住了一段时间，然后当孩子们，或者至少是男孩们离开学校时，其余的人就搬到了佛罗里达州或其他地方，因为他失业了。
He was a carpenter, she thought.
他是个木匠，她想。
"He was mean to her," I said.
“他对她很刻薄，”我说。
"Oh, well, yeah.
“哦，好吧，是啊。
He was a bastard, all right.
他是个混蛋，好吧。
I met him a couple times and I didn't like him.
我见过他几次，但我不喜欢他。
Short, ugly, and mean when he got drunk.
他又矮又丑，喝醉后还很刻薄。
But you know what they say."
但你知道他们说什么。”
"What do they say?" "Oh, you know.
“他们怎么说？” “哦，你知道。
About water seeking its own level and all."
关于水寻求自己的水平等等。”
The woman laughed.
女人笑了。
"Nah, but she sure was short and ugly."
“不，但她确实又矮又丑。”
I said nothing.
我什么也没说。
"Hey, don't get me wrong," Glenda said.
“嘿，别误会我的意思，”格伦达说。
"I liked Sarah.
“我喜欢莎拉。
But you and her-- well, you sure made a funny-looking couple.
但你和她——好吧，你们确实是一对看起来很有趣的情侣。
She probably didn't feel so self-conscious and all with her husband," she said somberly.
她可能并没有感到那么难为情，而且和她的丈夫在一起，”她阴沉地说。
"Well.
“嗯。
I loved her," I said.
我爱她，”我说。
The woman raised one plucked eyebrow in disbelief.
女人难以置信地扬起了一根眉毛。
She smiled.
她笑了。
"Sure you did, honey," she said, and she patted me on the arm.
“当然，亲爱的，”她说，拍拍我的手臂。
"Sure you did." Then she let the smile drift off her face, turned, and walked away from me.
“当然，你做到了。”然后她脸上的笑容消失了，转身从我身边走开。
When someone you have loved dies, you accept the fact of her death, but then the person goes on living in your memory, dreams, and reveries.
当你所爱的人去世时，你接受了她死亡的事实，但这个人却继续活在你的记忆、梦境和遐想中。
You have imaginary conversations with her.
你和她进行想象中的对话。
You see something striking and remind yourself to tell your loved one about it, and then get brought up short by the fact of her death.
你看到了一些令人震惊的事情，并提醒自己把这件事告诉你所爱的人，然后却被她去世的事实所震惊。
And at night, in your sleep, the dead person visits you.
晚上，在你睡梦中，死者来拜访你。
With Sarah, none of that happened.
对于莎拉来说，这一切都没有发生。
When she was gone from my life, she was gone absolutely, as if she had never existed in the first place.
当她从我的生活中消失时，她就彻底消失了，就好像她从来没有存在过一样。
It was only later, when I could think of her as dead, I could come out and say it-- "my friend Sarah Cole is dead"-- that I was able to tell this story.
直到后来，当我认为她死了时，我才能出来说——“我的朋友莎拉·科尔死了”——我才能够讲述这个故事。
For that is when she began to enter my memories, my dreams and reveries.
因为从那时起，她开始进入我的记忆、我的梦想和遐想。
In that way, I learned that I truly did love her, and now I have begun to grieve over her death, to wish her alive again, so that I can say to her the things I could not know or say when she was alive, when I did not know that I loved her.
就这样，我知道我真的爱她，现在我开始为她的死感到悲伤，希望她能再次活着，这样我就可以对她说一些我在她活着的时候不知道或说不出来的事情，当我不知道我爱她的时候。
The woman arrives at Ron's apartment around eight.
八点左右，那个女人到达罗恩的公寓。
There was a soft knock at his door.
有人轻轻地敲他的门。
He opens it, turns away, and crosses to the kitchen, where he turns back, lights a cigarette, and watches her.
他打开门，转身走进厨房，然后又转回来，点燃一支香烟，看着她。
She closes the door.
她关上门。
He offers her a drink, which she declines, and somewhat formally, he invites her to sit down.
他请她喝一杯，但她拒绝了，他还正式地邀请她坐下。
She sits carefully on the sofa, in the middle with her feet close together on the floor, as if being interviewed for a job.
她小心翼翼地坐在沙发中间，双脚并拢放在地板上，就像在面试工作一样。
He comes around and sits in the easy chair, relaxed, one leg slung over the other at the knee, as if he were interviewing her for the job.
他转过身来，坐在安乐椅上，一脸放松，一条腿搭在另一条腿的膝盖上，仿佛他正在面试她的工作。
"Yes.
“是的。
But now you're mad at me.
但现在你对我很生气。
I can see that.
我看得出来。
I didn't do anything wrong."
我没有做错任何事。”
"I'm not mad at you." They are silent for a moment.
“我没有生你的气。”他们沉默了一会儿。
Ron goes on smoking his cigarette.
罗恩继续抽烟。
Finally she sighs and says, "You don't want to see me anymore, do you."
最后她叹了口气，说道：“你不想再看到我了，是吗？”
He waits a few seconds and answers.
他等了几秒钟然后回答。
"Yes.
“是的。
That's right." Getting up from the chair, he walks to the silver gray bicycle and stands before it, running a fingertip along the slender crossbar from the saddle to the chrome-plated handlebars.
没错。”他从椅子上站起来，走到银灰色自行车前，站在车前，用指尖沿着细长的横杆，从车座一直滑到镀铬车把。
"You're a son of a bitch," she says in a low voice.
“你就是个王八蛋，”她低声说道。
"You're worse than my ex-husband." Then she smiles meanly, almost sneers, and soon he realizes that she is telling him that she won't leave.
“你比我前夫还糟糕。”然后她卑鄙地笑了笑，几乎是冷笑，很快他就意识到她是在告诉他她不会离开。
He's stuck with her, she informs him with cold precision.
她冷酷而准确地告诉他，他已经和她在一起了。
"You think I'm just so much meat, and all you've got to do is call up the butcher shop and cancel your order.
“你认为我就是那么多肉，你所要做的就是打电话给肉店并取消你的订单。
Well, now you're going to find out different.
好吧，现在你会发现不同的。
You can't cancel your order.
您无法取消订单。
I'm not meat.
我不是肉。
I'm not one of your pretty little girlfriends who come running when you want them and go away when you get tired of them.
我不是你那种漂亮的小女朋友，你想要她们的时候就跑来，你厌倦了她们就走开。
I'm different.
我不一样。
I got nothing to lose, Ron.
我没有什么可失去的，罗恩。
Nothing.
什么也没有。
So you're stuck with me, Ron."
所以你只能和我在一起了，罗恩。”
She sits back in the couch and crosses her legs at the ankles.
她靠在沙发上，双腿交叉在脚踝处。
"I think I will have that drink you offered."
“我想我会喝你提供的那杯酒。”
"Look, Sarah.
“看，莎拉。
It would be better if you go now."
如果你现在就走的话会更好。”
"No," she says flatly.
“不，”她平淡地说。
"You offered me a drink when I came in.
“我进来的时候你请我喝了一杯。
Nothing's changed since I've been here, not for me and not for you.
自从我来到这里以来，一切都没有改变，对我来说没有，对你来说也没有。
I'd like that drink you offered," she says haughtily.
我想要你提供的那杯饮料。”她傲慢地说。
Ron turns away from the bicycle and takes a step toward her.
罗恩转身离开自行车，朝她迈出了一步。
His face has stiffened into a mask.
他的脸已经僵硬成一副面具。
"Enough is enough," he says through clenched teeth.
“够了，够了。”他咬牙切齿地说。
"I've given you enough."
“我给你的已经够多了。”
"Fix me a drink, will you, honey?" she says with a phony smile.
“给我一杯饮料，好吗，亲爱的？”她假笑地说。
Ron orders her to leave.
罗恩命令她离开。
She refuses.
她拒绝。
He grabs her by the arm and yanks her to her feet.
他抓住她的手臂，把她拉了起来。
She starts crying lightly.
她开始轻轻哭泣。
She stands there and looks up into his face and weeps.
她站在那里，抬头看着他的脸，哭了。
But she does not move toward the door, so he pushes her.
但她没有走向门口，所以他推了她。
She regains her balance and goes on weeping.
她恢复平衡并继续哭泣。
He stands back, and places his fists on his hips, and looks at her.
他退后一步，将拳头放在臀部上，看着她。
"Go on.
“继续吧。
Go on and leave, you ugly bitch," he says to her.
快走吧，你这个丑陋的母狗，”他对她说。
He says the words again, almost tenderly.
他又说了一遍，语气近乎温柔。
"Leave, you ugly bitch."
“走开，你这个丑女人。”
Her hair is golden, her brown eyes deep and sad, her mouth full and affectionate, her tears the tears of love and loss, and her pleading, outstretched arms, her entire body, the arms and body of a devoted woman's cruelly rejected love.
她的头发是金色的，棕色的眼睛深邃而悲伤，她的嘴巴饱满而深情，她的眼泪是爱与失落的泪水，她恳求的伸出双臂，她的整个身体，一个忠诚的女人被残酷拒绝的爱的手臂和身体。
A third time he says the words.
他第三次说出这句话。
"Leave me now, you disgusting, ugly bitch."
“现在就离开我吧，你这个恶心又丑陋的贱人。”
She is wrapped in an envelope of golden light, a warm, dense haze that she seems to have stepped into as into a carriage.
她全身笼罩着一层金光，温暖而浓重的薄雾，她仿佛踏入了一辆马车。
And then she is gone and he is alone again.
然后她走了，他又孤身一人了。
He looks around the room, searching for her.
他环视房间，寻找她。
Sitting down in the easy chair, he places his face in his hands.
他坐在安乐椅上，双手捂住脸。
It's not as if she has died.
她并没有死。
It's as if he has killed her.
就好像他杀了她一样。
Russell Banks, reading from his short story "Sarah Cole: A Type of Love Story." The full, unedited version of this story is in his collection The Angel on the Roof.
拉塞尔·班克斯正在朗读他的短篇小说《莎拉·科尔：一种爱情故事》。这个故事的完整未编辑版本收录在他的合集《屋顶上的天使》中。
You know you can download audio of our program at audible.com/thisamericanlife.
您知道您可以在 audible.com/thisamericanlife 下载我们节目的音频。
with other Public Radio programs, bestselling books, even the New York Times , all at audible.com.
其他公共广播电台节目、畅销书，甚至《纽约时报》，都在 audible.com 上。
[FUNDING CREDITS] This American Life is distributed by Public Radio International.
[资金来源]《美国生活》由国际公共广播电台发行。
WBEZ management oversight by Torey Malatia.
WBEZ 管理由 Torey Malatia 监督。
You know, you don't want to be around him when he's mad.
你知道，当他生气的时候你不想在他身边。
Listen to him.
听他说。
I'm Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯。
Back next week with more stories of This American Life.
下周我们将带来更多《美国生活》的故事。
This American Life is produced in collaboration with WBEZ Chicago and delivered to stations by PRX The Public Radio Exchange.
《This American Life》与 WBEZ Chicago 合作制作，并由 PRX 公共广播电台传送到各电台。