209: Didn’t Ask to Be Born - This American Life
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00:00 00:00 Transcript Share This American Life Life Partners How to Listen Episodes Recommended About Overview Staff Announcements Fellowships Jobs Music Make Radio On The Road FAQ Submissions Merch Contact Us Our Other Shows Merch Follow Us Life Partners Subscribe to our newsletter Full episode Toggle Audio and Transcript Sync Transcript | Episode #209 | March 20, 2009 209: Didn’t Ask to Be Born Note: This American Life is produced for the ear and designed to be heard.
00:00 00:00 文字记录 分享此 美国生活 生活伙伴 如何收听 剧集 推荐 关于 概述 员工公告 奖学金 工作 音乐 在路上制作电台 常见问题解答 提交 商品 联系我们 我们的其他节目 商品 关注我们 生活伙伴 订阅我们的时事通讯 整集 切换音频和文字记录同步 文字记录 | 内容第 209 集 | 2009 年 3 月 20 日 209：没有要求出生 注：《美国生活》是为耳朵而制作的，旨在让人们听到。
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如果可以的话，我们强烈建议您收听音频，其中包括页面上没有的情感和重点。
Transcripts are generated using a combination of speech recognition software and human transcribers, and may contain errors.
文字记录是使用语音识别软件和人工转录员结合生成的，可能包含错误。
Please check the corresponding audio before quoting in print.
请在印刷版引用前检查相应的音频。
Prologue Ira Glass From WBEZ Chicago, it's This American Life , distributed by Public Radio International.
序言 Ira Glass 来自 WBEZ 芝加哥，这就是美国生活，由国际公共广播电台发行。
I'm Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯。
Keep this in mind.
请记住这一点。
There is another quart of oil in the trunk of the car.
汽车后备箱里还有一夸脱油。
OK, I'll take the Corolla.
好吧，我选卡罗拉。
Ira Glass This tape is from the documentary TV program American High .
Ira Glass 这盘磁带来自纪录片电视节目《American High》。
A kid named Morgan is fighting with his parents because he wants to use the good car, the Corolla, and not the bad car, the Acclaim.
一个名叫摩根的孩子正在与他的父母发生争执，因为他想使用好车卡罗拉，而不是坏车Acclaim。
If I wear my Tigger suit can I take the Corolla?
如果我穿着跳跳虎套装，我可以乘坐卡罗拉吗？
No, it's particularly if you're wearing your Tigger suit you can't take the Corolla.
不，特别是如果你穿着跳跳虎套装，你就不能开卡罗拉。
Why?
为什么？
Ira Glass There is just something about the way this family argues that is deeply, deeply entertaining.
艾拉·格拉斯（Ira Glass） 这个家庭的争论方式非常非常有趣。
They're out to amuse themselves, even when they're fighting.
即使在打架的时候，他们也是为了自娱自乐。
How am I supposed to get women in that car?
我该如何让女人上那辆车？
You're not.
你不。
That was one of the reasons I bought it.
这是我买它的原因之一。
I tested it first and I didn't find any women when I was driving it.
我先测试了一下，开车的时候没发现有女人。
You can't-- Morgan's Father I said this is the car for Morgan.
你不能——摩根的父亲 我说过这是摩根的车。
You can't be like, hey baby, you wanna get in my love machine, baby?
你不能说，嘿宝贝，你想进入我的爱情机器吗，宝贝？
One of the things that was fascinating about watching this TV show, American High , was watching the family dynamics.
观看这部电视节目《美国高中》的有趣之处之一就是观看家庭动态。
The other families that the producers filmed fought completely differently than this one did.
制片人拍摄的其他家庭的战斗方式与这个家庭完全不同。
Less humor, more strain.
更少的幽默，更多的压力。
Now, of course, nobody in a family chooses the family dynamic.
当然，现在家庭中没有人可以选择家庭动态。
It just kind of happens.
它只是发生了。
And when things go wrong in a family, it can feel like nobody had any choice about that either.
当一个家庭出现问题时，人们会觉得没有人有任何选择。
You know, a kid does something that sets off a parent, who then does something that sets off the kid, and on and on and on.
你知道，孩子做的事情会激怒父母，然后父母又会做一些激怒孩子的事情，如此循环往复。
Well, today on our show, we bring you two stories that are sort of worst-case scenarios for any parent, both kind of incredible stories, because when you take apart how what happened happened, it's really hard to see how anybody could have prevented things from going bad.
好吧，今天在我们的节目中，我们为您带来两个故事，这对于任何父母来说都是最糟糕的情况，这两个故事都是令人难以置信的故事，因为当您仔细分析所发生的事情是如何发生的时，真的很难看出有人可以如何阻止事情变得糟糕。
Our first story is told by a mother and two of her four daughters.
我们的第一个故事是由一位母亲和她四个女儿中的两个讲述的。
Her two oldest daughters, teenagers when the story begins.
她的两个大女儿在故事开始时才十几岁。
Though the mom remembers their baby years this way.
尽管妈妈们是这样记住婴儿时期的。
When Amanda was born, I was 21 years old.
阿曼达出生时，我21岁。
All I wanted to do was care for her and that's what I did.
我想做的就是照顾她，这就是我所做的。
It's funny, when I got pregnant with Stephanie, I was thinking, I'll never love anybody like I love Amanda.
有趣的是，当我怀上斯蒂芬妮时，我在想，我永远不会像爱阿曼达那样爱任何人。
I could not imagine that my heart could grow large enough to accommodate another child because I loved Amanda with such an overwhelming sense of identity.
我无法想象我的心可以变得足够大以容纳另一个孩子，因为我以如此强烈的认同感爱阿曼达。
She was me and I was her.
她就是我，我就是她。
I mean, we were so linked.
我的意思是，我们是如此紧密地联系在一起。
And then, of course, when Stephanie was born, this astonishing thing happened, in that I fell in love with her too.
当然，当斯蒂芬妮出生时，令人惊讶的事情发生了，我也爱上了她。
And I was really, really close to those two.
我和这两个人的关系真的非常非常亲密。
They were my-- there was no difference between them and me.
他们是我的——他们和我之间没有区别。
My name is Debra Gwartney.
我叫黛布拉·格沃特尼。
We left Tucson the day I signed my divorce papers after a 13-year marriage.
在我签署离婚文件的那天，我们离开了图森，结束了 13 年的婚姻。
And I had thought about it for a long time and decided that it was really best for everyone involved if we moved away.
我考虑了很长时间，并决定如果我们搬走，这对每个参与人员来说确实是最好的。
The relationship had become volatile and it just wasn't going to be good for the girls or for me or for my ex-husband if we were all in the same town.
我们的关系变得不稳定，如果我们都在同一个城镇，这对女孩们、我或我的前夫来说都不会有好处。
Everybody I grew up around had that code of moving on and toughness.
我身边长大的每个人都有继续前进和坚韧的准则。
And I had a job offer in Eugene, Oregon, and I took it.
我在俄勒冈州尤金市得到了一份工作机会，我接受了。
My name is Stephanie.
我叫斯蒂芬妮。
It was cold and wet.
天气又冷又湿。
I didn't like it.
我不喜欢它。
And I didn't like the house we lived in.
而且我不喜欢我们住的房子。
I didn't like the school I was going to.
我不喜欢我要去的学校。
I don't know, I was pretty angry.
我不知道，我真的很生气。
I'm Amanda.
我是阿曼达。
I hated the rain in Eugene.
我讨厌尤金的下雨。
It was just dreary and cold all the time.
一直都是沉闷和寒冷。
It would settle in your bones.
它会在你的骨头里安定下来。
I still had this huge loyalty to my dad.
我对父亲仍然抱有极大的忠诚。
And he was so depressed.
他很沮丧。
I felt guilty that I was with my mom.
我因为和妈妈在一起而感到内疚。
I felt like I was disloyal, dishonest with my dad by being there with my mom.
我觉得我和妈妈在一起对爸爸不忠诚、不诚实。
I think that's where the anger came from.
我想这就是愤怒的来源。
You feel like they're trying to make you pick sides.
你感觉他们试图让你选边站队。
It felt like we were abandoning him, abandoning my father.
感觉就像我们抛弃了他，抛弃了我的父亲。
And I blamed that on my mom.
我把这归咎于我妈妈。
Stephanie slept every night with a photograph of her dad under her pillow.
斯蒂芬妮每天晚上睡觉时都会在枕头下放一张她父亲的照片。
There was a tremendous sense of guilt about leaving him in Arizona, and they couldn't understand why we couldn't go back.
将他留在亚利桑那州让我们感到非常内疚，他们不明白为什么我们不能回去。
And I just kept thinking, well, if I could just do things the way I used to do it, we'd be OK.
我一直在想，好吧，如果我能像以前那样做事，我们就会没事的。
So I'd come home from work and make these elaborate meals and make sure that we had homemade muffins.
所以我下班回家后会精心准备饭菜，并确保我们有自制的松饼。
And then on the weekends we'd drive to the coast to look at tide pools.
然后在周末我们会开车去海岸看潮汐池。
And I'd just demand that we do these things together.
我只是要求我们一起做这些事情。
And the older girls were stomping along bitterly and angrily.
年纪较大的女孩们则痛苦而愤怒地跺着脚。
And they just wanted to be isolated, and I just thought, if I could un-isolate them as much as possible, we'd get through whatever this was.
他们只是想被孤立，而我只是想，如果我能尽可能地取消对他们的孤立，我们就能渡过难关。
When I first really started getting into the punk rock scene, I got into it purely for the angry, drunk, violent aspect of it.
当我第一次真正开始接触朋克摇滚场景时，我纯粹是为了它的愤怒、醉酒和暴力的一面而进入它的。
That's what really spoke to me at first.
这就是一开始真正对我说的话。
I guess it was 6th grade, yeah.
我猜那是六年级，是的。
I don't know, I just started hanging out with people that weren't necessarily motivated to be 12.
我不知道，我刚刚开始和那些不一定有十二岁动力的人一起出去玩。
I met people that were smoking pot and skipping school and stuff.
我遇到过一些吸大麻、逃学之类的人。
And so both of us kind of bled into that culture.
所以我们俩都融入了这种文化。
I wore ripped-up stuff.
我穿着破烂的衣服。
And I had these plaid pants with zippers up the back that were skin tight, and big huge boots and angry spiky jewelry.
我有一条格子裤，后面有拉链，紧贴皮肤，还有大靴子和愤怒的尖刺珠宝。
Then we cut our hair off.
然后我们就把头发剪掉了。
Amanda I cut my hair into a mohawk.
阿曼达 我把头发剪成了莫霍克发型。
And I had just dyed my hair pink.
我刚刚把头发染成粉红色。
I dyed my hair pink.
我把头发染成了粉红色。
Amanda dyed her hair blue.
阿曼达把头发染成了蓝色。
Took my hair in my hand and took the scissors and chopped it off.
我手里拿着我的头发，拿起剪刀，把它剪了下来。
It was just a scraggly pink mess of hair.
那只是一头散乱的粉红色头发。
Totally killed my mom.
彻底杀了我妈妈。
She took away my Pearl Jam and my combat boots, and told me that I needed to start wearing happier clothes.
她拿走了我的珍珠酱和军靴，并告诉我我需要开始穿更快乐的衣服。
Like, stop putting off the air of being so sad and angry and depressed.
就像，不要再表现出如此悲伤、愤怒和沮丧的样子。
Like, she thought it was the music I was listening to.
就像，她认为这是我正在听的音乐。
I made an immature assumption that we were going to come to Eugene and we were going to be in this together.
我做了一个不成熟的假设，认为我们将来到尤金，我们将一起参与其中。
Whatever the barriers were to happiness or peace, the five of us were going to confront those together and get through it.
无论幸福或和平的障碍是什么，我们五个人都会一起面对并克服它们。
And when the girls first started acting out, I was really astonished that they would do that to this effort of making a new life.
当女孩们第一次开始表现出来时，我真的很惊讶她们会为了创造新生活而这样做。
They weren't going according to plan, the plan that I had in my own head about how we were going to create this new life.
他们没有按照计划进行，这个计划是我自己脑海中关于我们如何创造新生活的计划。
I think that my mom's protectiveness and her need to hold things together, just that frantic need to hold things together, kind of pushed Amanda and I away.
我认为我妈妈的保护欲和她把事情结合在一起的需要，只是那种疯狂的需要把事情结合在一起，有点把阿曼达和我推开了。
But I think that she wanted things to work so badly that any move that we made that was not what she had had in mind, the tension rose so easily.
但我认为她非常希望事情能够顺利进行，以至于我们做出的任何举动都不是她的初衷，紧张局势很容易就会加剧。
And I remember telling them, when times got tough during wars and during depressions in this country, the kids rally.
我记得告诉他们，当这个国家的战争和萧条时期变得艰难时，孩子们就会团结起来。
They stick with it and help the family get through the toughness.
他们坚持不懈，帮助家人渡过难关。
And they would look at me like, uh, [BLEEP] that.
他们会像，呃，[哔]那样看着我。
I mean, I'm sure they said that right to my face.
我的意思是，我确信他们是当着我的面说的。
We would come to school high, just run around, and smoke in the bathrooms, and chase people around with sporks.
我们会来到高中，到处乱跑，在浴室里抽烟，用叉子追赶人们。
That was one of our favorite things.
这是我们最喜欢的事情之一。
Do you know what a spork is?
你知道什么是叉勺吗？
It's a spoon-fork.
这是一个勺叉。
We would pretend like everybody was aliens.
我们会假装每个人都是外星人。
It was our, like, honing in device.
这是我们在设备上的磨练。
It was crazy.
太疯狂了。
And we would stand at one end of the hall and crouch down and-- we would call it the rampage.
我们会站在大厅的一端，蹲下——我们称之为狂暴。
In the commons, all the soccer girls, all the really preppy kids would hang out.
在公共场所，所有的足球女孩、所有真正的预科生都会出去玩。
And we'd put our arms in front of our head and run through the crowd, knocking people over.
我们会把手臂放在头前，穿过人群，把人们撞倒。
And then Amanda-- oh, Amanda-- she lit the bathroom on fire, and all the trash in the trash cans.
然后阿曼达——哦，阿曼达——她点燃了浴室，还有垃圾桶里的所有垃圾。
She was just playing.
她只是在玩。
And these two girls walk in-- super rich girls-- and went to the principal.
这两个女孩走进去——超级富有的女孩——然后去找校长。
And Amanda got arrested.
阿曼达被捕了。
She got charged with arson and got suspended from school.
她被指控犯有纵火罪并被停学。
And that's when I really started despising the upper class, girls that played soccer, rode horses, got fake tans.
从那时起我才真正开始鄙视上流社会，那些踢足球、骑马、晒黑皮肤的女孩。
So that's when I really started hating those kind of people.
所以从那时起我就开始真正讨厌那些人了。
I got a call from their school saying that they hadn't been in school for at least a week.
我接到他们学校的电话，说他们至少有一个星期没有上学了。
And I thought, well, where are they?
我想，好吧，他们在哪里？
I'm dropping them off at the front door of the school.
我要把它们放在学校前门。
Where are they going?
他们要去哪里？
So I raced home to try to find them.
于是我跑回家试图找到他们。
And they were there.
他们就在那里。
And they said they just didn't feel like going to school.
他们说他们只是不想去上学。
They were sick of school.
他们厌倦了学校。
There was no reason to go.
没有理由去。
And I said, well, where are you going?
我说，好吧，你要去哪里？
And they said they were just hanging around downtown.
他们说他们只是在市中心闲逛。
And I -- this is just untenable.
而我——这是站不住脚的。
We can't live this way.
我们不能这样生活。
I mean, I can't have my two older daughters just wandering and then coming home at night for dinner like nothing-- like this is normal or something.
我的意思是，我不能让我的两个大女儿闲逛，然后晚上回家吃晚饭，就像这很正常一样。
If you want to live here with me, you have to go to school.
如果你想和我一起住在这里，你就必须去学校。
About an hour later, they went into the bathroom and they were getting all dolled up.
大约一个小时后，他们走进浴室，打扮得漂漂亮亮的。
And Amanda was dying Stephanie's hair this bright color of pink with this Manic Panic dye.
阿曼达正在用这种躁狂恐慌染料将斯蒂芬妮的头发染成明亮的粉红色。
And I could see that they were getting ready to go, and putting all this tons of makeup on, big black streaks around their eyes, and spiking up their hair.
我可以看到他们正准备出发，化了浓浓的妆，眼睛周围画着大黑条纹，头发也竖了起来。
And I opened the door and I said you can't go out.
我打开门说你不能出去。
Amanda just pushed the door closed in my face.
阿曼达当着我的面把门关上了。
And they locked the door and they were in there just turning the music up really loud and laughing and shouting at each other.
他们锁上了门，然后就在里面把音乐开得很大声，互相大笑、大喊大叫。
I was so determined not to let them go out the door that night.
那天晚上我坚决不让他们走出门。
So I went to the front door of the house and I just stood there.
于是我走到房子的前门，站在那里。
And they came out and they both had backpacks on.
他们出来了，都背着背包。
They walked over and said, get out of the way.
他们走过去说，让开。
And I said no. I was blocking the door.
我说不。我挡住了门。
I was keeping-- my legs were apart and my arms were out.
我保持——我的双腿分开，我的手臂伸出。
And I said, I'm not going to let you go out.
我说，我不会让你出去。
You can't go.
你不能走。
And I remember Amanda saying, Mom, we don't want to hurt you.
我记得阿曼达说，妈妈，我们不想伤害你。
By that time, both of the little girls were on the periphery and shouting at all of us to stop this.
那时，两个小女孩都在外围大声喊叫，让我们停下来。
They pushed me aside and they ran out.
他们把我推到一边，然后跑了出去。
And as they pushed me, I tripped over a chair and fell.
当他们推我时，我被椅子绊倒了。
I drove around until about 4:30 in the morning and never did find them.
我开车绕了一圈直到凌晨4点30分左右，还是没有找到他们。
And we didn't see them again for eight days.
我们已经八天没有再见到他们了。
It was just a rough night, drinking 40s of malt liquor and smoking pot.
那只是一个艰难的夜晚，喝着四十多岁的麦芽酒，抽着大麻。
And it just was a hard night for both of us.
这对我们俩来说都是一个艰难的夜晚。
Me and Stephanie started sleeping in abandoned parking shelters.
我和斯蒂芬妮开始睡在废弃的停车棚里。
And we would find houses that weren't lived in and sleep in their backyard.
我们会找到无人居住的房子，睡在他们的后院。
And it was freezing cold too, and we only had these little blankets.
而且天气也很冷，我们只有这些小毯子。
That first time they left, that's when I kind of entered the world that I never knew existed.
他们第一次离开时，我就进入了一个我从来不知道存在的世界。
It's not against the law to run away from home in Oregon.
在俄勒冈州，离家出走并不违法。
The truancy laws are also gone.
逃学法也消失了。
If your child is missing from school for an extended period of time, all they do is basically drop that child from the rolls.
如果您的孩子长时间缺课，他们所做的基本上就是将该孩子从名单中剔除。
No help from the police, no help from the schools.
没有警察的帮助，没有学校的帮助。
So I started looking into social service agencies.
于是我开始寻找社会服务机构。
And they're really set up to help the child.
他们确实是为了帮助孩子而准备的。
But there's really no place for a parent to go and say, my child has run away.
但父母确实没有地方可以说，我的孩子逃跑了。
What can you do to help me get them back?
你能做什么来帮我把它们找回来？
I went to Amanda's counselor for help.
我向阿曼达的辅导员寻求帮助。
And he suggested that I look into a therapy program where they would take the girls into the woods for several weeks and get them cleaned up off of drugs.
他建议我研究一个治疗计划，他们会带女孩们到树林里呆几个星期，让她们戒除毒品。
And they suggested a person who specializes in going into the underground, the subculture of kids, and finding kids so they can put them in a group and get them out into the woods.
他们建议找一个专门研究地下世界、儿童亚文化的人，寻找孩子，这样他们就可以把他们分成一个小组，然后把他们带到树林里。
So it really came down to finding a stranger and paying him $200 a day to seek them out.
所以归根结底就是找到一个陌生人并每天付给他 200 美元来寻找他们。
It was terrifying to get involved with someone like that, former cop, a former LA cop.
与这样的人打交道真是太可怕了，前警察，前洛杉矶警察。
I gave him a map of downtown Eugene and where I thought they liked to hang out.
我给了他一张尤金市中心的地图以及我认为他们喜欢闲逛的地方。
They at that time were very fond of the IHOP.
当时他们非常喜欢IHOP。
One day, me and Stephanie had woken up and we were walking downtown, and some guy comes up to us and points at me and goes, you're Stephanie?
有一天，我和斯蒂芬妮醒来，我们正在市中心散步，有一个人向我们走来，指着我说，你是斯蒂芬妮？
And points at Stephanie and goes, you're Amanda?
然后指着斯蒂芬妮说，你是阿曼达？
We shake our heads, no, we're not.
我们摇头，不，我们不是。
He's like, no, I know you guys are.
他说，不，我知道你们是。
He was like-- told us he was a private investigator hired to find us and the police were going to pick us up, and that he was going to take us to a safe place where we could eat.
他就像——告诉我们他是一名受雇来寻找我们的私家侦探，警察会来接我们，他会带我们到一个安全的地方，我们可以在那里吃饭。
And he was a horrible man.
他是一个可怕的人。
He was just a bad man, with his son.
他只是一个坏人，带着他的儿子。
They got us in their car and it was weird.
他们让我们上了他们的车，这很奇怪。
And they drove and drove and we drove to Sisters, Oregon.
他们开车啊，开车啊，我们开车去了俄勒冈州的姐妹城。
And then it got really scary.
然后它变得非常可怕。
And they strip-searched us and put us in crazy clothes.
他们对我们进行脱衣搜身，让我们穿上疯狂的衣服。
And they took Amanda.
他们带走了阿曼达。
And I stayed there for a week with all these other girls, just milling around, wanting a cigarette more than anything in the world.
我和其他女孩一起在那里呆了一个星期，只是闲逛，最想要的是一支香烟。
It was just such a weird, surreal situation, really horrible.
这真是一个奇怪的、超现实的情况，真的很可怕。
I drove to Albany, Oregon on a Saturday.
星期六我开车去了俄勒冈州奥尔巴尼。
And then the people in Sisters transported Amanda there first.
然后姐妹们先把阿曼达运送到了那里。
And we met in this room and she was a ball of fury.
我们在这个房间里见面，她是一个愤怒的球。
And we were in this very cold, impersonal room with 10 sets of parents and their angry teenagers.
我们在这个非常寒冷、没有人情味的房间里，里面有十对父母和他们愤怒的青少年。
I guess I was still, at that point, thinking, if I could just make the right move, if I could just find the right puzzle pieces, then this is all going to fall back in place again.
我想当时我还在想，如果我能做出正确的举动，如果我能找到正确的拼图，那么这一切都会再次回到原处。
I guess I was still in that illusion that there is a cure here, and if I could just find it, we'll be OK.
我想我仍然抱有一种幻想，认为这里有治疗方法，如果我能找到它，我们就会没事。
And they explained to the kids that they will have a small packet of lentils and rice and a few vegetables and a pan, and that they'll be responsible for building their own fire, and that they would teach them how to build a snow shelter to try to stay warm.
他们向孩子们解释说，他们将有一小包扁豆、大米、一些蔬菜和一个平底锅，他们将负责自己生火，并教他们如何建造一个雪屋以保持温暖。
And so they locked them in this van.
所以他们把他们锁在这辆货车里。
And here we were, all these parents standing in this driveway.
我们在这里，所有这些父母都站在这条车道上。
And they just backed out and drove away.
他们只是退出并开车离开。
A week later I did the same thing with Stephanie.
一周后，我对斯蒂芬妮做了同样的事情。
We were in the Cascades and there was about 11 feet of snow on the ground and we were in this huge blizzard.
我们在喀斯喀特，地面上有大约 11 英尺厚的积雪，我们身处这场巨大的暴风雪中。
They had a wall tent with a wood stove in it.
他们有一个壁式帐篷，里面有一个木火炉。
We'd met another group there.
我们在那里遇到了另一群人。
And I didn't know, but it was Stephanie's group.
我不知道，但那是斯蒂芬妮的小组。
So I walked past Amanda.
于是我从阿曼达身边走过。
And I didn't see her because it was in the dark.
我没有看到她，因为当时是在黑暗中。
I couldn't tell which one was her, but I knew I was walking past her.
我分不清哪一个是她，但我知道我正从她身边走过。
And I was singing Blondie or something.
我在唱《金发女郎》之类的歌。
I don't remember, something she would recognize.
我不记得了，她会认出什么。
She knew I was there.
她知道我在那儿。
I sang all night, sang to her.
我整晚都在唱歌，唱给她听。
They let me talk to her for five minutes.
他们让我和她谈五分钟。
We were just looking at each other's hands and I still had fingernail polish on.
我们只是看着对方的手，而我还涂着指甲油。
She said, how'd you keep your fingernail polish on that long?
她说，你的指甲油怎么保持这么久？
And I was like, I don't know.
我当时想，我不知道。
I just wear gloves all the time.
我只是一直戴着手套。
And we were just looking at each other, just faces and hands, and then got ripped apart again.
我们只是看着对方，只是看着对方的脸和手，然后又被撕裂了。
That was the only time we got to see each other for about six months.
这是我们六个月来唯一一次见面。
After the wilderness trip, Amanda went to live with a family in eastern Oregon, where she worked on their ranch.
荒野之旅结束后，阿曼达前往俄勒冈州东部的一个家庭生活，并在他们的牧场工作。
And Stephanie was living with our friends in Montana.
斯蒂芬妮和我们的朋友住在蒙大拿州。
And the thought that-- I mean, my whole image of myself was as a mother.
我的意思是，我对自己的整体形象就是一个母亲。
And the thought that I had failed so much that my daughter was now called a foster child.
想到我太失败了，我的女儿现在被称为养子。
And when we would go there, I felt so tiny, tiny and sloppy.
当我们去那里时，我感觉自己是如此渺小、渺小和邋遢。
I just felt like this-- you know, like the welfare mothers you see in line buying candy bars with their welfare checks and everybody's clicking their tongues and judging them.
我只是有这样的感觉——你知道，就像你看到的福利母亲拿着福利支票排队购买糖果，每个人都在嘀咕着评判她们。
I felt like that.
我有这样的感觉。
I felt like such a failure.
我感觉自己很失败。
When Amanda was in foster care, I saw her quite often and I thought a lot had been healed between us.
当阿曼达被寄养时，我经常见到她，我认为我们之间已经治愈了很多。
She was really dependent on me, so I thought we were really off on a good footing for that next fall.
她真的很依赖我，所以我认为明年秋天我们真的已经打好了基础。
We started the year off and it was just-- it was a fiasco.
我们刚开始新的一年，结果就是一场惨败。
They didn't want to go back to school.
他们不想回学校。
It just wasn't working.
它只是不起作用。
It was a continual battle with them.
这是与他们的一场持续不断的战斗。
And they just wanted to be out partying with their friends.
他们只是想和朋友出去聚会。
I just couldn't have these street kids that came home now and then to eat.
我就是不能让这些街头孩子时不时回家吃饭。
It was basically a mantra.
这基本上是一个咒语。
If you don't do what I say, you're not going to live here.
如果你不按我说的做，你就不能住在这里。
If you don't do what I say, you're not going to live here.
如果你不按我说的做，你就不能住在这里。
And that would just ring in my head over and over.
这会一遍又一遍地在我脑海中响起。
And that just planted a little seed, like, fine.
这只是种下了一点种子，很好。
I'm not going to live here.
我不会住在这里。
And the girls walked in the house.
女孩们走进了屋子。
And I was outside doing some things.
我在外面做一些事情。
And they came out with these huge backpacks and bed rolls.
他们带着这些巨大的背包和床单出来了。
And you know, I just didn't even have the strength to say, stop.
你知道，我什至没有力气说“停下来”。
I had my backpack and a pair of shoes tied onto my backpack.
我背着背包，背包上绑着一双鞋子。
She said, where are you guys going?
她说，你们要去哪里？
Out to coffee.
出去喝咖啡。
Why do you need two pairs of shoes to go out to coffee?
为什么出去喝咖啡需要两双鞋？
That's the last thing she said.
这是她说的最后一句话。
And they walked down the street and that was it.
他们沿着街道走，仅此而已。
It was weird.
很奇怪。
It was fun, exciting, adventurous, new.
这很有趣、令人兴奋、冒险、新鲜。
Lots of good stories.
很多好故事。
Every day was a story, like a book.
每一天都是一个故事，就像一本书。
Going by Shasta, Mount Shasta, in a box car, and just seeing things that not many people get to see.
乘坐棚车经过沙斯塔、沙斯塔山，看到很多人看不到的东西。
It was like nothing else I've ever done.
这就像我从未做过的任何事情。
There was a lot of pain involved, but at the same time, it was like every moment I was actually living in the moment and I was there.
这涉及到很多痛苦，但与此同时，就好像每一刻我都真正活在当下，我就在那里。
I haven't really felt that since.
从那以后我就再也没有真正感觉到过。
In the next couple of months, every now and then Amanda would call-- never Stephanie-- and either leave a message or she'd get me on the phone and say, we're alive, we're OK.
在接下来的几个月里，阿曼达时不时地打电话——从来没有斯蒂芬妮——要么留言，要么她给我打电话说，我们还活着，我们没事。
But she would never tell me where they were.
但她永远不会告诉我他们在哪里。
And I would say, come home.
我会说，回家吧。
You need to come home.
你需要回家。
We need to work this out.
我们需要解决这个问题。
She'd just hang up.
她就挂断电话。
When we were in San Francisco, that was the crazy times.
当我们在旧金山时，那是一个疯狂的时期。
Me and Amanda, that's when we first started doing dope.
我和阿曼达，那是我们第一次开始做毒品的时候。
But one night, I had wandered off.
但有一天晚上，我走丢了。
I was totally screwed up and out of my head.
我完全搞砸了，失去了理智。
Alcohol, cocaine, marijuana, ecstasy, pills, psychotropic pills, all that stuff, 40s all day on the block.
酒精、可卡因、大麻、摇头丸、药物、精神药物，所有这些东西，40 多岁整天都在街上。
So I had my dog in my hand and I wandered off up the street, and just was wandering around, totally cracked out, like, walking around in the Tenderloin at 11:00 at night.
所以我手里拿着我的狗，在街上闲逛，就这样闲逛，完全崩溃了，就像晚上 11:00 在田德隆区闲逛一样。
At night in San Francisco, the crackheads come out with all this stuff they've gathered during they day, because crackheads gather things.
在旧金山的晚上，瘾君子们带着白天收集到的所有东西出来，因为瘾君子会收集东西。
They're like pigeons.
他们就像鸽子。
They're attracted to the shiny metal.
他们被闪亮的金属所吸引。
A lot of times, they roll out pieces of carpet and lay all the things they've found out: lamps and spoons and hub caps and prosthetic pieces of people, I've seen, just lost treasures.
很多时候，他们铺开地毯，铺上他们找到的所有东西：灯、勺子、轮毂盖和我见过的人的假肢，只是丢失的宝藏。
At night, it's like the crackhead fair.
晚上，这里就像瘾君子集市。
There's people with their shopping carts laying out all the stuff they found.
人们推着购物车，摆放着他们找到的所有东西。
When you're high on drugs, like I was that night, I thought I was at a little market place.
当你吸毒的时候，就像那天晚上的我一样，我以为我是在一个小市场。
And so I was walking along and this one crackhead had all this stuff, a carpet laid out with all this stuff.
我一路走着，发现这个疯子身上有所有这些东西，一张地毯上铺满了所有这些东西。
And I picked up a candle.
我拿起一根蜡烛。
And he came out of nowhere, just like a banshee out of hell, just screaming towards me.
他突然出现，就像地狱里的女妖一样，朝我尖叫。
And I don't know, in the struggle I got cut on my arm.
我不知道，在挣扎中我的手臂被割伤了。
I was just kind of dumbfounded.
我只是有点傻眼了。
I was like, what just happened?
我当时想，刚刚发生了什么？
So I just left.
所以我就离开了。
And then I remember walking and just being covered with blood.
然后我记得走路时浑身是血。
And I walked up to Sixth and Market, and all my friends are sitting there.
我走到第六街和市场，我所有的朋友都坐在那里。
And I walk up and my mouth is open and there's blood everywhere.
我走上前去，我的嘴张开，到处都是血。
And my friend cleaned it up for me.
我的朋友帮我清理了它。
It felt like there was almost protection around us, or a bubble, just something protecting Amanda and I, something special about our journey through this dark place.
感觉我们周围几乎有保护，或者是一个泡沫，只是保护阿曼达和我的东西，是我们穿越这个黑暗地方的旅程的一些特别的东西。
We just glided through it and remained untouched.
我们只是滑过它，没有受到任何影响。
She and I have such a different way of looking at that time.
我和她对那个时代的看法截然不同。
She was so happy and she was making her part in this community.
她很高兴，她正在为这个社区做出自己的贡献。
And I feel used and-- I don't know.
我觉得自己被利用了——我不知道。
My idea of the whole thing was to put my life on my back and just go, and stop looking back, stop feeling guilty, stop all these raging emotions, just keep going, keep moving.
我对整件事的想法是把我的生活放在我的背上，然后走，停止回头看，停止感到内疚，停止所有这些汹涌的情绪，继续前进，继续前进。
I had saved about $1,500.
我节省了大约 1,500 美元。
And I had an ATM card.
我有一张 ATM 卡。
And so we would panhandle and we would live off what I had, until I got a heroin habit, and then it went pretty fast.
所以我们会乞讨，我们会靠我拥有的东西生活，直到我染上了海洛因的习惯，然后它就发展得很快。
So we made it to Tucson.
就这样我们到达了图森。
And we decided to get some heroin.
我们决定去买一些海洛因。
And so we went down to this drainage tunnel, and Amanda took her shot of dope and as I was about to-- as I was about to-- I had drawn up my blood and I was about to put it all back into my arm, I looked over at Amanda and I said, you're looking kind of gray, Amanda.
于是我们来到了这个排水隧道，阿曼达给她注射了一剂兴奋剂，当我正要——当我正要——的时候，我抽出了我的血液，我正要把它全部放回我的手臂里，我看着阿曼达，我说，你看起来有点灰白，阿曼达。
And she says, oh, I feel fine.
她说，哦，我感觉很好。
She's really, really hammered.
她实在是太受打击了。
And the boy that was next to us said, oh, she's fine, and so I pushed all the heroin into my arm.
我们旁边的男孩说，哦，她很好，所以我把所有的海洛因都塞进了我的手臂里。
And right then, Amanda fell over.
就在那时，阿曼达摔倒了。
She had done too much and it was not a good batch, because I couldn't-- could barely walk.
她做了太多的事情，这不是一个好的批次，因为我不能——几乎不能走路。
I was crawling over to her, and this was the first time I've ever done CPR.
我爬向她，这是我第一次做心肺复苏。
I'm sure I broke some of her ribs.
我确信我打断了她的一些肋骨。
And I couldn't get her to breathe.
我无法让她呼吸。
Her heart would beat for little bit and then stop and start again.
她的心脏会跳动一会儿，然后停止又重新开始。
And she would-- she took like two breaths the whole day.
她会——一整天她呼吸了两次。
And I don't know how she did it.
而且我不知道她是怎么做到的。
I just kept telling people, call a [BLEEP] ambulance.
我只是一直告诉人们，叫[BLEEP]救护车。
Everybody wouldn't.
大家都不会。
They said, no, we're just going to wait for a little while longer.
他们说，不，我们只是再等一会儿。
We could all get in big trouble for this.
我们都可能因此陷入大麻烦。
I was like, I don't give a [BLEEP].
我当时想，我不会发出[BLEEP]声。
I'll got to jail for the rest of my life.
我将在监狱里度过我的余生。
Get me an ambulance.
给我叫辆救护车。
And then this guy put her on his back and he was dragging her in her shoes.
然后这个家伙把她放在背上，用鞋子拖着她。
Like, the next day, you could see where her shoes were all worn down.
就像，第二天，你可以看到她的鞋子都磨损了。
There was all these little Mexican kids chasing after him, going what's wrong with her?
一群墨西哥小孩子都在追他，追她，她怎么了？
What's wrong with her?
她怎么了？
And we got her as fast as we could to this house, some fat guy's apartment.
我们以最快的速度把她带到了这所房子，一个胖子的公寓。
He was watching The Simpsons.
他正在看《辛普森一家》。
Right as the ambulance pulled up, Amanda lifted her head up by herself.
当救护车停下来时，阿曼达自己抬起了头。
We got to the hospital.
我们到了医院。
And so we're sitting there and a cop comes in.
所以我们坐在那里，一个警察进来了。
He handcuffs us both to the bed.
他把我们俩都铐在床上。
And the phone rang.
电话响了。
And it was a hospital in Tucson, calling to tell me that Amanda had been found.
图森的一家医院打电话告诉我阿曼达被发现了。
And it was the first time I had any clue that she was using heroin.
这是我第一次知道她吸食海洛因。
And that was really a lot to take all at once.
一下子要承担的事情实在是太多了。
She was in a hospital.
她在医院里。
They'd had to restart her heart, and she was a heroin addict.
他们不得不重新启动她的心脏，而她是一名海洛因成瘾者。
The policeman took us in his car down to this halfway house.
警察用他的车带我们来到这个中途宿舍。
We booked as soon as he left.
他一走我们就预订了。
Two days later, the police stopped us for loitering and ran our names.
两天后，警察因我们闲逛而拦下我们，并询问了我们的名字。
I spouted out my false identity and Amanda gave her real name.
我说出了我的虚假身份，阿曼达说出了她的真实姓名。
And I turned and looked at her, shocked.
我转过身来，震惊地看着她。
Whenever we talk about it, it always comes back to, well, why did you give your real name to the cop, Amanda?
每当我们谈论这件事时，总是会回到，那么，你为什么要向警察透露你的真实姓名，阿曼达？
It's your fault.
这是你的错。
Can you understand why I gave my real name to the cop, Stephanie?
你能明白为什么我把我的真名告诉警察斯蒂芬妮吗？
I just want her understand it, that it was the only thing I could have done in that situation.
我只是想让她明白，在那种情况下这是我唯一能做的事情。
And maybe I wasn't-- maybe I was tired.
也许我没有——也许我累了。
I had just died.
我刚刚死了。
They ran our names and Amanda's came up dirty, as you would say.
他们查了我们的名字，阿曼达的名字被查得很脏，正如你所说的那样。
And they took her backpack, put it in their trunk.
他们接过她的背包，把它放进行李箱里。
I gave her a big hug and kiss and I said, I'll see you soon.
我给了她一个大大的拥抱和亲吻，我说，我很快就会见到你。
And that was the last time I saw her for a year.
那是我一年来最后一次见到她。
And we were torn apart.
我们被撕裂了。
And we never really healed that wound.
我们从未真正治愈过那个伤口。
She went and did it alone.
她独自一人去完成了这件事。
I was so mad that she was still doing it and I was stuck.
我很生气，她还在这么做，而我却被困住了。
I was her sister.
我是她的妹妹。
I don't know, it was like a journey we had to complete or something and it felt like it was cut short.
我不知道，这就像我们必须完成的一段旅程或其他什么，感觉就像被缩短了。
I had to keep going, for some reason.
出于某种原因，我必须继续前进。
It was like some kind of Homer's Odyssey.
这就像某种荷马的奥德赛。
We had to make it to the end, whatever that end was, which we didn't really know.
我们必须走到最后，无论结果是什么，我们并不真正知道。
I left Tucson.
我离开了图森。
I hopped a train to Texas.
我跳上火车去德克萨斯州。
So we'd go through Arizona, go through Benson and out to the border of New Mexico.
所以我们会穿过亚利桑那州，穿过本森，到达新墨西哥州边境。
And all of a sudden, out of nowhere, you're in a town.
突然之间，你不知从何而来，来到了一个小镇。
And Stephanie was 14 years old.
斯蒂芬妮当时14岁。
Where was she?
她在哪里？
I went to San Francisco because Amanda thought she was maybe there.
我去了旧金山，因为阿曼达认为她可能在那里。
And she thought she was perhaps in the Tenderloin district, because they had found a community there.
她认为她可能在田德隆区，因为他们在那里找到了一个社区。
And this friend of ours went with me.
我们的这位朋友和我一起去了。
And that is a really horrible area.
那是一个非常可怕的区域。
There are all these majestic looking buildings with homeless people everywhere, and weird piles of used clothes all over, that I guess people just dump there and let people look through.
这些看起来很雄伟的建筑，到处都是无家可归的人，到处都是奇怪的旧衣服堆，我猜人们只是把它们扔在那里，让人们翻看。
Every park bench, every fountain, ledge, every step up to the library had another little blanket tent.
每个公园长椅、每个喷泉、壁架、通往图书馆的每一个台阶都有另一个小毯子帐篷。
It was like walking through a campground of some sort.
这就像走过某种露营地。
We were looking, trying to look at faces to see if we could see her.
我们一直在寻找，试图通过面孔看是否能看到她。
She was looking for me when I was in Texas.
当我在德克萨斯州时她正在找我。
I wasn't anywhere near San Francisco at the time.
当时我并不在旧金山附近。
I understand why she went there to look for me, or why she went anywhere.
我明白她为什么去那里找我，或者为什么她去任何地方。
It's a really sad story that she has to tell.
她必须讲述一个非常悲伤的故事。
And I feel incredibly guilty that I put her through that, and that she had to go to the places where I'd been and had to see that.
我让她经历了这一切，我感到非常内疚，她必须去我去过的地方，必须看到这些。
So I was waitressing at a pizza place for about 50 hours a week, and got really good at it.
所以我每周在一家披萨店当服务员大约 50 个小时，而且做得非常好。
Great tips.
很棒的提示。
Walk out of there with $100 sometimes at night.
有时晚上带着100美元走出那里。
Of course, I was coming out of my addiction.
当然，我正在摆脱毒瘾。
I was praying a lot.
我经常祈祷。
So then I started going to the Catholic church.
于是我开始去天主教堂。
It was a block away from my house.
那是离我家一个街区远的地方。
Saint Austin's Church.
圣奥斯汀教堂。
And I used to sneak my dog in.
我曾经把我的狗偷偷溜进去。
I would put him in my shirt, my jacket.
我会把他放在我的衬衫、夹克里。
And I would put holy water on his face and holy water on me.
我会把圣水涂在他脸上，也把圣水涂在我身上。
And we'd sneak into the back and it was this huge old church and we would always go to the Mother Mary.
我们会偷偷溜进后面，那是一座巨大的古老教堂，我们总是去圣母玛利亚那里。
So we used to go hang out there for hours and just sit and be quiet and pray, light candles for my family.
所以我们常常在那里闲逛几个小时，安静地坐着祈祷，为我的家人点蜡烛。
So Christmas Eve came and we did all of our usual traditional things, which was very hollow and cold.
平安夜到了，我们做了所有平常的传统事情，非常空虚和寒冷。
We all were sitting in the living room, kind of staring at each other on Christmas Eve, not knowing what to do.
圣诞节前夕，我们都坐在客厅里，面面相觑，不知道该做什么。
And I said, well, why don't we all write Stephanie a letter?
我说，好吧，我们为什么不给斯蒂芬妮写封信呢？
And I thought, corny and a little contrived, even.
我想，这有点老土，甚至有点做作。
But it just came out of nowhere.
但它就是凭空出现的。
So, to my utter amazement, Amanda was into that.
所以，令我非常惊讶的是，阿曼达对此很感兴趣。
She really wanted to do it.
她真的很想这么做。
So we each took a couple pieces of paper and went to a different place in the house and wrote.
于是我们每人拿了几张纸，到房子里的不同地方去写。
And Amanda wrote for over an hour.
阿曼达写了一个多小时。
She just wrote and wrote and wrote.
她只是写啊写啊写。
Yeah.
是的。
I just asked her a lot of questions.
我只是问了她很多问题。
Why are you doing this?
你为什么要这样做？
What are you trying to accomplish at this point?
此时您想实现什么目标？
You're hurting us all so bad.
你对我们所有人的伤害太深了。
Please, let's try to work this out.
请让我们尝试解决这个问题。
Please call.
请致电。
Please tell us you're alive.
请告诉我们你还活着。
Please be alive.
请一定要活着。
And finally, Amanda came in with her pieces of paper that she'd written.
最后，阿曼达带着她写的纸进来了。
And we all folded our notes up to Stephanie.
我们都把笔记折起来交给斯蒂芬妮。
And we took a pan, just a pan from under the stove, outside.
我们拿了一个平底锅，只是外面炉子下面的一个平底锅。
It was a very cold night.
那是一个非常寒冷的夜晚。
And we stood in our driveway and we each put our letter to Stephanie in the pan and we lit it on fire, lit them on fire.
我们站在车道上，把写给斯蒂芬妮的信放进锅里，然后点燃它，点燃它们。
And then we said prayers that she would call.
然后我们做了她会召唤的祈祷。
I mean, I got a little taste of what my mom went through in those nine months where Stephanie didn't call us.
我的意思是，我尝到了妈妈在斯蒂芬妮没有给我们打电话的九个月里所经历的一切。
I've never been so completely sad and just ruined.
我从来没有如此彻底地悲伤过，简直崩溃了。
I mean, Stephanie wasn't even my child.
我的意思是，斯蒂芬妮甚至不是我的孩子。
She was just my sister and my best friend.
她只是我的妹妹和我最好的朋友。
And I couldn't sleep at night.
我晚上无法入睡。
I was just so sad that she was gone and I mourned her every day.
我很伤心她走了，我每天都在哀悼她。
And we just stood there while they burned and the smoke went off.
当它们燃烧、烟雾消散时，我们就站在那里。
It's really amazing to me that we all survived this.
我们都幸存下来，这对我来说真的很神奇。
There's just so many ways that somebody could have slipped away.
有很多方法可以让某人溜走。
Stephanie was 14 years old, and she got herself down to Texas and got a job and lived in an apartment and paid bills.
斯蒂芬妮 14 岁，她来到德克萨斯州找到了一份工作，住在公寓里并支付账单。
I did not rescue her from that life.
我没有把她从那种生活中拯救出来。
She rescued herself.
她救了自己。
And I think she'd very much like me to recognize that.
我想她非常希望我认识到这一点。
And intellectually, I can.
从智力上来说，我可以。
But when she's in the same room with me, and we're talking about this, I get so hurt.
但当她和我在同一个房间，我们谈论这件事时，我很受伤。
I think she still rolls her eyes and feels hurt by me saying that this experience had some value.
我想她仍然会翻白眼，因为我说这段经历有一定的价值，她感到很受伤。
It's my life experience and it's important to me.
这是我的人生经历，对我来说很重要。
And I just hope that someday she can acknowledge that.
我只是希望有一天她能承认这一点。
Things aren't easy with either of the girls yet.
对于这两个女孩来说，事情都不容易。
They're so much better.
他们好多了。
And I can so freely say, I love you.
我可以如此自由地说，我爱你。
And they say, I love you, Mom.
他们说，我爱你，妈妈。
And the words are so real.
而且言语如此真实。
And I'm incredibly proud of both of them.
我为他们俩感到无比自豪。
We are evolving and building a relationship now that's a lot stronger.
我们正在发展并建立一种更加牢固的关系。
We still don't really know each other very well, but--
我们还不太了解彼此，但是——
It feels like our situation's changed, especially this year.
感觉我们的情况发生了变化，尤其是今年。
She listens to me.
她听我的。
She gives me advice.
她给我建议。
We're friends.
我们是朋友。
She's my mom.
她是我妈妈。
I have a mom.
我有一个妈妈。
That story was produced by Sandy Tolan of Homelands Productions, in collaboration with Debra Gwartney, with her daughters Stephanie and Amanda.
该故事由 Homelands Productions 的桑迪·托兰 (Sandy Tolan) 与黛布拉·格沃特尼 (Debra Gwartney) 以及她的女儿斯蒂芬妮 (Stephanie) 和阿曼达 (Amanda) 合作制作。
Debra has just come out with a book about her experience, called Live Through This , which had been featured in Salon and People magazine and reviewed all over the place.
黛布拉刚刚出版了一本关于她的经历的书，名为《Live Through This》，这本书曾在《沙龙》和《人物》杂志上发表过专题报道，并得到了各地的评论。
Stephanie is now in college in Massachusetts.
斯蒂芬妮现在在马萨诸塞州上大学。
Amanda has finished college and she lives in Oregon with her husband and two small children.
阿曼达已经大学毕业，与丈夫和两个小孩住在俄勒冈州。
Coming up, sounds like an ordinary school day, until the end.
即将到来，听起来就像一个普通的学校日，直到结束。
That's on Chicago Public Radio and Public Radio International, when our program continues.
当我们的节目继续时，这是芝加哥公共广播电台和国际公共广播电台的节目。
It's This American Life.
这就是美国生活。
I'm Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯。
Today on our show we bring you two stories that I think anybody would consider parents' worst-case scenarios.
今天在我们的节目中，我们为您带来两个故事，我认为任何人都会考虑父母最坏的情况。
Our first story was about girls who ran away.
我们的第一个故事是关于逃跑的女孩的。
This next story is about someone, a teenager, who did something to himself that I think most people would find unthinkable.
下一个故事是关于一个青少年，他对自己做了一些我认为大多数人都觉得不可思议的事情。
And he wasn't a loner.
而且他并不是一个孤独的人。
He had friends.
他有朋友。
His mom was a teacher, interested in his life.
他的妈妈是一名老师，对他的生活很感兴趣。
He wrote an account of what happened on that day, when he did what he did.
他写下了那天发生的事情，当时他做了他所做的事情。
A warning that some of the moments in this story are not appropriate for small children.
警告该故事中的某些时刻不适合小孩子。
Monday, February 4, 1991.
1991 年 2 月 4 日星期一。
Falls Church, Virginia.
弗吉尼亚州福尔斯彻奇。
I'm awake, listening to the radio, and mom is yelling at me to wake up and get out of bed.
我醒着，听着广播，妈妈正在对我大喊，叫我起床，起床。
I don't want to get out of bed.
我不想起床。
Maybe I should play sick.
也许我应该生病。
But I've done that too many times this year already.
但今年我已经这样做了太多次了。
The bathroom is right next to my bed, so I don't have to put on a robe or anything.
浴室就在我的床边，所以我不需要穿浴袍什么的。
I just go in and lock the door behind me.
我只是进去并锁上身后的门。
And then the door that leads to the hallway, and then the one that separates the shower and toilet from the sink.
然后是通向走廊的门，然后是分隔淋浴间、厕所和水槽的门。
It's weird that this bathroom has three locking doors, but I like it.
这间浴室有三扇锁门，这很奇怪，但我喜欢它。
If I ever have to hide from anyone, like a burglar or something, or really just want to be by myself, I can come in here and lock all the doors.
如果我必须躲避任何人，比如窃贼或其他什么人，或者真的只是想一个人待着，我可以进来并锁上所有的门。
The shower is nice and warm when I get in, and I suck a little water into my mouth and spit it out again.
当我进去的时候，淋浴很舒服，很温暖，我吸了一点水到嘴里，然后又吐出来。
I don't want to go to school today.
我今天不想去学校。
I'm going to be in such trouble.
我会遇到这样的麻烦。
it's like a god damn black cloud hanging over my head, like in the cartoons when it's only raining on the one guy and it follows him around wherever he goes, even indoors.
就像一朵该死的黑云悬在我的头顶，就像动画片里的雨只落在一个人身上，无论他走到哪里，它都会跟着他，甚至在室内。
That guy is me.
那个人就是我。
I run the whole thing back in my head.
我把整件事又回想起了。
I did so many things wrong I can't even believe it.
我做错了很多事，连我自己都不敢相信。
I shouldn't have taken the matches from Adam.
我不应该从亚当那里拿走火柴。
I shouldn't have lit that match.
我不应该点燃那根火柴。
I shouldn't have set the whole pack on fire.
我不应该放火烧掉整个狼群。
I shouldn't have thrown them in that locker.
我不应该把它们扔进那个储物柜里。
And I really shouldn't have put that lock on the locker.
我真的不应该把锁放在储物柜上。
I'm so stupid, I say out loud, and turn off the shower.
我真傻，我大声说，然后关掉淋浴。
I'm going to wear all black today.
今天我要穿全黑的衣服。
I always do.
我总是这样。
Downstairs my dad would be drinking coffee, staring at the paper.
我爸爸在楼下喝着咖啡，盯着报纸。
But he's on a business trip so there's a big hole at the breakfast table.
但他正在出差，所以早餐桌上有一个大洞。
My brother's still in his room getting ready for high school.
我哥哥还在他的房间里为高中做准备。
But he can leave late because his friend Schmid picks him up.
但他可以晚点离开，因为他的朋友施密德来接他。
My mother's moving around the kitchen, cleaning things up.
我妈妈正在厨房里走来走去，清理东西。
She puts my lunch bag on the counter.
她把我的午餐袋放在柜台上。
She doesn't write my name on it.
她没有在上面写我的名字。
When the bus comes, I get on and walk all the way to the back.
公共汽车来了，我就上车，一直走到后面。
There's still a seat next to Anna, the girl from down the street.
街那头的那个女孩安娜旁边还有一个座位。
I sit and turn my body just enough so I can slide my hand under Anna's sweater.
我坐下来，转动身体，这样我就可以将手伸到安娜的毛衣下面。
At first she doesn't move.
起初她一动不动。
But when my hand touches her belly she exhales really loud and whispers, it's too cold.
但当我的手触及她的腹部时，她大声呼气，低声说，太冷了。
I take my hand back, rub it and blow on it until it's warm.
我收回手，揉搓并吹气，直到它变热。
And then I slide it back under her sweater and rub my thumb against the rough fabric of her bra and the top of her breast.
然后我把它滑回到她的毛衣下面，用拇指摩擦她胸罩的粗糙面料和胸部顶部。
Sometimes, I ask her how it comes undone and she says, it's a latch on the front.
有时，我问她它是如何解开的，她说，这是前面的一个闩锁。
And I spend the rest of the ride trying to figure out what that means.
我在剩下的旅程中试图弄清楚这意味着什么。
And once I noticed a hole in the crotch of her pants and I tried to put my finger in it.
有一次我注意到她裤裆上有一个洞，我试图把手指放进去。
But she said it tickled too much.
但她说太痒了。
Today I'm happy just to feel the warmth of her skin.
今天我很高兴能感受到她皮肤的温暖。
When we get to school, I pull my hand from under her shirt and get off as fast as I can.
当我们到达学校时，我将手从她的衬衫下面抽出来，并以最快的速度脱下。
My best friend Steven and I are in home room together because both of our last names begin with R.
我最好的朋友史蒂文和我一起在家庭房间，因为我们的姓氏都以 R 开头。
And that makes it the most fun class of the day, which sucks because it's also the first.
这使它成为当天最有趣的课程，但这很糟糕，因为它也是第一堂课。
We sit in the back row, holding copies of The Catcher in the Rye , which I haven't read, but I might read because I like books about baseball, and whisper about Megan.
我们坐在后排，手里拿着《麦田里的守望者》，我还没读过，但我可能会读，因为我喜欢关于棒球的书，并低声谈论梅根。
I say, did you call her?
我说，你给她打电话了吗？
Yeah.
是的。
Did you ask her out?
你约她出去了吗？
Yeah.
是的。
What did she say?
她说什么？
She said maybe.
她说也许吧。
Maybe?
或许？
I ask.
我问。
She said she kind of likes someone else.
她说她有点喜欢别人了。
Who?
WHO？
I ask.
我问。
You.
你。
This is bad news because I know how much Steven likes her.
这是个坏消息，因为我知道史蒂文有多喜欢她。
And I'm sure she likes him back.
我确信她也喜欢他。
Why do I have to screw everything up?
为什么我必须把一切搞砸？
I'm such a freaking idiot.
我真是个白痴。
Mike and I sit in the back row of Mr. Wolf's civics class, figuring out how to spin a pencil between our fingers like Iceman does in Top Gun .
迈克和我坐在沃尔夫先生的公民课的后排，研究如何像《壮志凌云》中的冰人那样在我们的手指之间旋转铅笔。
Leah sits in front of us and pays attention to Mr. Wolf the whole time.
莉亚坐在我们前面，一直关注着沃尔夫先生。
She used to write notes to me, asking who I liked, and dropped them onto my desk.
她常常给我写字条，问我喜欢谁，然后把它们放在我的桌子上。
I'd write back, asking her if she wanted to join my religion, the Ace of Spades.
我会回信，问她是否愿意加入我的宗教——黑桃A。
Back in seventh grade, I had a lot of time on my hands.
回到七年级时，我有很多空闲时间。
And I'd come up with crazy ideas just to freak people out.
我会想出一些疯狂的想法来吓唬人们。
I came up with the idea about a religion based around a god called the Ace of Spades.
我想出了一个以黑桃 A 为基础的宗教的想法。
And we'd all worship the Ace.
我们都会崇拜艾斯。
And he'd be the one true creator and always wear black.
他是一位真正的创造者，并且总是穿着黑色的衣服。
But I never really figured out how to make people believe that he was the one true creator.
但我从来没有真正弄清楚如何让人们相信他是唯一的真正的创造者。
So I sort of gave the whole thing up.
所以我放弃了整个事情。
Leah always thought I was a freak for talking about things like that.
莉亚一直认为我是个怪人，才会谈论这样的事情。
But she used to at least pay attention.
但她至少曾经注意过。
Now she just ignores me, maybe because of the time she got a B plus on her report card and started crying because it was the first time she'd gotten anything lower than an A, and I called her a stupid bitch for crying about something so stupid.
现在她只是不理我，也许是因为她的成绩单上得到了B+，然后开始哭泣，因为这是她第一次得到低于A的成绩，我称她为愚蠢的母狗，因为她为如此愚蠢的事情哭泣。
I used to get all A's too.
我以前也得了全A。
And now I'm getting F's in a couple of classes.
现在我有几门课都得了F。
And my parents think I'm a retard.
而且我的父母认为我是个弱智。
But you don't see me crying about it.
但你没有看到我为此哭泣。
I meet up with my friend Adam halfway down Main Hall, and we walk to gym together.
我在主厅半路上与我的朋友亚当见面，我们一起步行去健身房。
He says, I swear, man, did you see Katherine in that sweater?
他说，我发誓，伙计，你看到凯瑟琳穿着那件毛衣了吗？
She's so stacked, especially for a seventh grader.
她太累了，尤其是对于一个七年级学生来说。
Yeah, I guess.
是的，我想。
I'm not even thinking about that stuff today.
我今天根本就没去想那些事。
I've got bigger things on my mind.
我心里有更大的事情。
Friday in gym, when me and a bunch of guys were changing, dropping our pants and pulling up our green gym shorts as fast as we could, Adam got out a book of matches he'd gotten from the 7-11 and showed them to me.
周五在健身房，当我和一群人正在换衣服、脱下裤子、尽快拉起绿色运动短裤时，亚当拿出一本他从 7-11 买来的火柴册给我看。
I don't know why, but I grabbed them and lit one.
我不知道为什么，但我抓起它们并点燃了一根。
And then because I thought it would be funny to see everybody's reaction, I set the whole pack on fire.
然后因为我觉得看到每个人的反应会很有趣，所以我放火烧了整个狼群。
And all of a sudden there was a big ball of fire in my hand and I didn't know what to do.
突然我的手上出现了一个大火球，我不知道该怎么办。
So I opened one of the lockers and threw the burning thing in.
于是我打开其中一个储物柜，把燃烧的东西扔了进去。
Then I realized there was a shirt in the locker.
然后我意识到储物柜里有一件衬衫。
I panicked when I realized that the shirt had caught fire too, and I grabbed a loose lock from the bench and put it on the locker, thinking that it would put out the flames.
当我意识到衬衫也着火时，我惊慌失措，我从长凳上抓起一根松动的锁，把它放在储物柜上，以为这样可以扑灭火焰。
And then I ran over to the water fountain, cupped some water between my hands, and carried it back to the burning locker.
然后我跑到喷泉处，双手捧起一些水，然后把它带回燃烧的储物柜。
I tried to throw it through the metal slats, but by that time the shirt had just about burned itself out, and then my problem was the smoke.
我试图把它扔过金属板条，但那时衬衫已经快要烧坏了，然后我的问题是烟雾。
By that time, all the other guys had already gone out to gym and I was the only one left in the locker room.
那时，其他人都已经去健身房了，更衣室里只剩下我了。
So I just opened all the windows to get the smell of burning cotton out, and then went out and played volleyball.
于是我就把所有的窗户都打开，把棉花烧焦的味道散出去，然后就出去打排球了。
When we came back in at the end of the period to change, you could still smell the smoke, but the gym teacher just thought somebody had been smoking.
当我们下课后回来换衣服时，你仍然可以闻到烟味，但体育老师只是认为有人抽烟了。
But when I walk into gym today, I can see Mr. Huff is standing in the back of the locker room, right next to the locker that was on fire.
但今天当我走进健身房时，我看到赫夫先生站在更衣室的后面，就在着火的更衣室旁边。
He keeps moving his bottom lip over his mustache, so it looks like he's trying to eat it.
他不断地将下唇移到小胡子上，看起来他正想吃掉它。
He says, OK, boys, settle down.
他说，好吧，孩子们，安定下来。
On Friday there was an incident in the locker room.
周五，更衣室发生了一起事件。
Some arsonist among you purposely set a shirt on fire.
你们中间有一个纵火犯故意放火烧一件衬衫。
We had the fire chief come over and investigate.
我们请消防队长过来调查。
He took some fingerprints and we expect the results later today.
他采集了一些指纹，我们预计今天晚些时候会有结果。
Boys, whoever did this is an enormous amount of trouble.
孩子们，无论是谁干的，这都是一个巨大的麻烦。
Charges will be pressed.
将会收取费用。
He'll be expelled.
他将被开除。
But now I'm prepared to give the guilty party a chance to confess.
但现在我准备给有罪者一个认罪的机会。
So whoever did it, or if you know who did it, come see me in my office before the end of the period.
所以无论是谁干的，或者如果你知道是谁干的，请在这段时间结束之前来我的办公室见我。
His eyes lock with mine on the last word and I feel a cold sickness all over my body.
他的目光与我的目光锁定在最后一个字上，我感到全身一阵寒意。
What am I going to do?
我要做什么？
What am I going to do?
我要做什么？
I say over and over as we walk out into the gym and start stretching.
当我们走进健身房并开始伸展运动时，我一遍又一遍地说。
We're playing dodge ball inside today because it's cold and raining.
今天我们在里面玩躲避球，因为天气很冷，还下着雨。
Kevin picks up the purple ball and wings it, nailing me in the back.
凯文捡起紫色的球并挥动它，钉在我的背上。
And I go sit on the sidelines for the rest of the game.
剩下的比赛我都会坐在场边。
Nick beans Adam and he comes over and sits next to me.
尼克·豆·亚当和他走过来坐在我旁边。
They were his matches.
他们是他的对手。
His fingerprints were on them too.
上面也有他的指纹。
What are you going to do?
你会怎样做？
He says.
他说。
I don't know, I say.
我不知道，我说。
Are you going to turn yourself in?
你要自首吗？
No. You're not?
不，你不是吗？
No. What are you going to do?
不，你要做什么？
He asks.
他问道。
I'm going to kill myself.
我要自杀了。
You are?
你是？
Yeah.
是的。
But how will they know it was you, not me?
但他们怎么知道是你，而不是我呢？
I don't know, I guess I'll write a note saying I did it.
我不知道，我想我会写一张纸条说我做到了。
You will?
你会？
And he gets up and starts to walk away, and then calls out, Hey, thanks.
他起身走开，然后喊道，嘿，谢谢。
Brian and I sit in the back row during English.
讲英语时，布莱恩和我坐在后排。
Sometimes we draw Motley Crue and Aerosmith symbols on our notebooks.
有时我们会在笔记本上画 Motley Crue 和 Aerosmith 符号。
He likes me because I tell him what the books are about when he doesn't read them.
他喜欢我，因为我会在他不读的时候告诉他书的内容。
Brian, I say, could the cops-- the cops couldn't get fingerprints from a book of matches if it were all burnt up, could they?
布莱恩，我说，警察能不能——如果火柴都烧毁了，警察就无法从火柴上获取指纹，对吗？
He thinks for a second.
他想了一会儿。
He knows this kind of thing.
他知道这种事。
Yeah, they could.
是的，他们可以。
They could?
他们可以吗？
Yeah, because fire doesn't burn away fingerprints.
是的，因为火不会烧掉指纹。
It doesn't?
不是吗？
No. Unless the person who lit the matches also poured lighter fluid or some other emollient like gasoline or something on the matches.
不会。除非点燃火柴的人也在火柴上倒了打火机液体或其他润肤剂，例如汽油或其他东西。
Then they wouldn't be able to find anything.
那么他们就什么也找不到了。
But, like, the school doesn't have our fingerprints on file, does it?
但是，学校没有记录我们的指纹，不是吗？
Yeah, of course they do.
是的，他们当然知道。
They have everybody's fingerprints on file.
他们把每个人的指纹都存档了。
They do?
他们这样做吗？
I slide a little lower in my seat.
我在座位上滑得更低一些。
I'm so screwed.
我真是完蛋了。
Yeah, he says.
是的，他说。
Don't you know anything?
你什么都不知道吗？
These days in Algebra, I have to sit up front with the brains.
这些天在代数中，我必须坐在前面用大脑。
I used to sit in the back with Nick and Kevin, two of the coolest kids in school.
我曾经和尼克和凯文一起坐在后面，他们是学校里最酷的两个孩子。
We'd open Mrs. Loftus's file cabinets when she wasn't looking, and steal school supplies.
我们会趁洛夫特斯夫人不注意的时候打开她的文件柜，偷走学习用品。
We got white out and pencils and big yellow legal pads.
我们拿出了白色的铅笔和黄色的大便笺本。
And we'd take them back to Kevin's locker and store them there.
我们会把它们带回凯文的储物柜并存放在那里。
We never used them or anything.
我们从来没有使用过它们或任何东西。
We just liked stealing.
我们只是喜欢偷窃。
I don't know how they figured out it was us.
我不知道他们怎么知道是我们的。
Kevin thinks they installed a security camera, but I'm not sure.
凯文认为他们安装了安全摄像头，但我不确定。
The night before the school called my parents, I got dressed up in my best outfit-- a black blazer, black silk shirt, black dress pants, and a black tie-- and lay in my bed listening to Warrant's "Cherry Pie" album.
在学校给我父母打电话的前一天晚上，我穿上了我最好的衣服——黑色西装外套、黑色丝绸衬衫、黑色正装裤和黑色领带——躺在床上听着沃伦特的《樱桃派》专辑。
I took my kitchen knife from its hiding place between the mattress and box spring and held it against my wrist.
我从床垫和弹簧盒之间的隐藏处取出菜刀，把它抵在手腕上。
When the music got really loud I sliced as fast as I could and bit my lip from the pain.
当音乐变得非常响亮时，我尽可能快地切肉，并因疼痛而咬住嘴唇。
I hung my arm between the two twin beds pushed together, from when my brother used to share the room with me, and let it bleed.
我把手臂挂在两张拼在一起的单人床之间，从那时起我哥哥就和我共用一个房间，让它流血。
I was surprised when I woke up in the morning.
早上醒来时我很惊讶。
My blood had clotted into the carpet.
我的血凝结在地毯上。
I had to find a Band-Aid big enough to cover the wound, and I told my parents I had scratched my wrist on a locker.
我必须找到一个足够大的创可贴来盖住伤口，我告诉父母我的手腕被储物柜划伤了。
We got three days in school suspension for stealing and my parents were pissed.
我们因偷窃而被停学三天，我的父母很生气。
They sat me down at the kitchen table and told me how upset they were.
他们让我坐在餐桌旁，告诉我他们有多难过。
Just the looks on their faces was terrible.
只是他们脸上的表情就很可怕。
My dad was scowling at me like I was a hoodlum.
我父亲对我怒目而视，就像我是一个流氓一样。
My mom looked like I'd broken her heart.
我妈妈看起来好像我伤了她的心。
It was like they didn't recognize me.
就好像他们不认识我一样。
They said, we've never been so disappointed in you.
他们说，我们从来没有对你这么失望过。
I promised them I'd do better, and I tried.
我向他们保证我会做得更好，而且我也尽力了。
I wonder how they'll feel when I get expelled.
我想知道当我被开除时他们会作何感想。
I see Steven in the hall on the way to lunch.
我在去吃午饭的路上看到史蒂文在大厅里。
I pull him over next to the blue lockers out of the way of the crowd and say, I'm in big trouble.
我把他拉到蓝色储物柜旁边，让他远离人群，然后说，我遇到了大麻烦。
Why?
为什么？
he asks.
他问道。
I lit a book of matches on fire in gym and burned somebody's shirt up.
我在健身房点燃了一本火柴，烧毁了某人的衬衫。
That was you?
那是你吗？
Yeah.
是的。
That was my shirt.
那是我的衬衫。
It was?
是吗？
Yeah.
是的。
Why'd you do that?
你为什么这么做？
I don't know, I was just screwing around.
我不知道，我只是乱搞而已。
That was your shirt?
那是你的衬衫吗？
Yeah.
是的。
What are you going to do?
你会怎样做？
They took fingerprints.
他们采集了指纹。
I know.
我知道。
I don't know what I'm going to do.
我不知道我要做什么。
I walk down the hall towards the cafeteria and I know that I'm completely screwed.
我沿着大厅走向自助餐厅，我知道我彻底完蛋了。
I think about that movie we saw in English class, about the guy who's standing on the bridge waiting to get hung.
我想起我们在英语课上看的那部电影，关于那个站在桥上等待被绞死的人的故事。
I wonder why all the ways I've tried to kill myself haven't worked.
我想知道为什么我尝试过的所有自杀方法都不起作用。
I mean, I tried hanging.
我的意思是，我尝试过悬挂。
I used to have a noose tied to my closet pole.
我曾经在壁橱杆上绑过一个套索。
I'd go in there and slip the thing over my head and let my weight go.
我会走进去，把东西滑过我的头，释放我的体重。
But every time I started to lose consciousness, I'd just stand up.
但每次我开始失去知觉时，我都会站起来。
I tried to take pills.
我尝试吃药。
I took 20 Advil one afternoon, but that just made me sleepy.
一天下午我服用了 20 颗 Advil，但这只是让我昏昏欲睡。
And all the times I tried to cut my wrists I could never cut deep enough.
每次我试图割腕时，我总是割得不够深。
That's the thing.
就是这样。
Your body tries to keep you alive no matter what you do.
无论你做什么，你的身体都会试图让你活下去。
During drama class, they finally call me into the vice principal's office.
戏剧课的时候，他们终于把我叫到了副校长办公室。
She's wearing a red dress that I can't stop looking at.
她穿着一件红色的裙子，让我忍不住多看几眼。
She asks if I know anything about the fire, and I tell her no. She stares at me for a few seconds and says, you can go.
她问我是否了解火灾的情况，我告诉她不知道。她盯着我看了几秒钟，然后说，你可以走了。
She knows that I did it.
她知道是我干的。
When seventh period is finally over, I run to my locker and put all my books inside.
当第七节课终于结束时，我跑向我的储物柜，把所有的书放进去。
I won't need them anymore.
我不再需要它们了。
I grab my lock picking set and a spare Ace of Spades that I have lying around.
我拿起我的开锁工具和我放在身边的备用黑桃 A。
I touch Michelle Pfeiffer's lips with my thumb.
我用拇指触碰米歇尔·菲佛的嘴唇。
At the end of the hallway, I can see Steven talking to Megan, the girl we both have a crush on.
在走廊的尽头，我可以看到史蒂文和梅根谈话，我们都迷恋的女孩。
I walk up to them and say hi.
我走到他们跟前打招呼。
She smiles at me and I try to smile back.
她对我微笑，我也试着微笑回应。
Steven looks a little suspicious.
史蒂文看起来有些可疑。
I don't want to tell them what I'm going to do.
我不想告诉他们我要做什么。
I hand him the Ace of Spades and say, goodbye.
我把黑桃 A 递给他，然后说再见。
And I walk away.
然后我走开。
I hope they'll be happy together.
我希望他们能幸福地在一起。
I see my friend Jake at his locker and give him the lock picking set.
我看到我的朋友杰克在他的储物柜前，就把撬锁工具给了他。
Use them wisely, I say, and head towards the bus.
我说，明智地使用它们，然后走向公共汽车。
Laura walks with me down D Hall.
劳拉和我一起走过 D 大厅。
She says, hey, I heard you set that fire in gym class.
她说，嘿，我听说你在体育课上放火了。
What are you going to do?
你会怎样做？
I'm going to set myself on fire.
我要自焚。
She stops at her locker, but I keep walking.
她在储物柜前停了下来，但我继续走。
On the bus ride home, I sit by myself.
回家的公交车上，我一个人坐着。
I lean my head against the cold, glass window, and try not to think about all the stupid things I've done and all the pain I've caused everyone.
我把头靠在冰冷的玻璃窗上，尽量不去想我做过的所有愚蠢的事情以及我给大家带来的所有痛苦。
My brother Craig is playing basketball outside the house when I get home.
当我回到家时，我哥哥克雷格正在屋外打篮球。
He's shooting free throws.
他正在罚球。
I rebound the ball for him and throw it back.
我为他抢篮板，然后把球扔回去。
I don't want to take any shots.
我不想拍任何照片。
I tell him the whole story about what I did and what they're going to do to me.
我告诉他整个故事，关于我做了什么以及他们将对我做什么。
I don't tell him what I'm going to do to myself.
我不会告诉他我要对自己做什么。
When I'm done talking he says, that sucks.
当我说完后，他说，这很糟糕。
And I go inside the house.
我走进屋子。
I don't have to write a note anymore, because Craig knows everything.
我不必再写纸条了，因为克雷格什么都知道。
I walk out to the shed to get the gas can.
我走到棚屋去拿煤气罐。
I bring it inside, upstairs to the bathroom, because that's the room with the most locks.
我把它带进楼上的浴室，因为那是锁最多的房间。
I go back downstairs and get the matches from the kitchen.
我回到楼下，从厨房拿火柴。
I take off all my clothes and put on the pair of red boxers with the glow-in-the-dark lips that my mom bought me at the mall last weekend.
我脱掉所有衣服，穿上妈妈上周末在商场给我买的那条带有夜光嘴唇的红色平角内裤。
I bring the bathrobe into the shower and I pour the gasoline all over it.
我把浴袍带进淋浴间，然后把汽油倒在上面。
The gas can is only about a quarter full but it seems like enough.
煤气罐只装了四分之一左右，但似乎已经足够了。
I step into the bathtub and I put the bathrobe over my shoulders.
我走进浴缸，把浴袍披在肩上。
It's wet and heavy, but there's something kind of comforting about the smell, like going on a long car trip.
天气又湿又重，但闻起来有种令人安慰的感觉，就像长途汽车旅行一样。
I hold the box of matches out in front of me in my left hand.
我用左手把火柴盒放在面前。
I take out a blue tip match and hold it against the box.
我拿出一根蓝色头的火柴，把它靠在盒子上。
Should I do it?
我应该这样做吗？
Yes.
是的。
Do it.
做吧。
I strike the match.
我擦火柴。
But it doesn't light.
但它不亮。
Try again.
再试一次。
I light the match.
我点燃火柴。
Nothing happens.
什么也没发生。
I bring it closer to my wrist and then it goes up, all over me, eating through me everywhere.
我把它靠近我的手腕，然后它上升，遍布我全身，吞噬我的每一处。
I can't breathe.
我无法呼吸。
I'm screaming.
我在尖叫。
Craig, Craig.
克雷格，克雷格。
I fall down.
我摔倒了。
I'm going to die.
我要死了。
I'm going to find out what death is like.
我要去看看死亡是什么样子。
I'm going to know.
我会知道的。
But nothing's happening.
但什么也没发生。
This hurts too much.
这太痛了。
I need to stop it.
我需要阻止它。
I need to get up.
我需要起床。
I stand.
我站起来。
I don't know how I stand, but I do.
我不知道我的立场如何，但我知道。
And I turn on the shower.
我打开淋浴。
I unlock the door with my hand and open it.
我用手解锁门并打开它。
My hand is all black.
我的手全黑了
I walk out.
我走出去。
There's Craig with Rusty, our dog, next him.
克雷格和他旁边是我们的狗拉斯蒂。
They have the same expression on their faces.
他们的脸上有着同样的表情。
Craig yells something and runs downstairs.
克雷格大喊了一声，跑下楼。
He's calling 9-1-1.
他正在拨打 9-1-1。
He hands me the phone and runs off.
他把电话递给我然后就跑掉了。
There's a woman on the phone asking questions.
电话里有一位女士正在询问问题。
I try to tell her what's happened but there's something wrong with my voice.
我试图告诉她发生了什么事，但我的声音有些不对劲。
The woman on the phone says the fire trucks and ambulances are on their way.
电话里的女士说消防车和救护车正在赶来的路上。
Somehow she knows my address.
不知怎的，她知道我的地址。
There's smoke coming from the bathroom upstairs and I can see that the whole room has turned black.
楼上的浴室冒出烟雾，我看到整个房间都变成了黑色。
If the room is black, then why am I OK?
如果房间是黑的，那我为什么还可以？
And I look down and see my flesh is charred and flaky.
我低头一看，发现我的肉已烧焦，呈片状。
And the glow-in-the-dark boxer shorts are burnt into my skin.
夜光四角裤被我的皮肤灼伤了。
The woman on the phone says everything's going to be all right.
电话里的女人说一切都会好起来的。
She keeps asking me if I'm still on fire and I say, I-- I don't think so.
她一直问我是否仍然着火，我说，我——我不这么认为。
I'm walking around the kitchen, waiting for the ambulance to come.
我在厨房里走来走去，等待救护车的到来。
I can see my reflection in the microwave.
我可以在微波炉中看到自己的倒影。
That's not me.
那不是我。
That's not my face.
那不是我的脸。
That's not what I look like.
我看起来不是这样的。
Where's my hair?
我的头发在哪里？
Where did my hair go?
我的头发去哪儿了？
We used to put marshmallows in microwave.
我们过去常常将棉花糖放入微波炉中。
We used to watch them get bigger and bigger and then shrink down.
我们过去常常看着它们变得越来越大，然后又缩小。
Oh God, just tell them to get here.
天哪，请告诉他们到这里来。
Just tell them to get here, OK?
只要告诉他们到这里来，好吗？
I just need them to get here.
我只需要他们到达这里。
She says, they're coming.
她说，他们来了。
They're almost there.
他们快到了。
I'm so sorry, I say.
我很抱歉，我说。
I'm so sorry.
我很抱歉。
It's OK.
没关系。
That's OK.
没关系。
I can hear the sirens in the distance now.
我现在能听到远处的警报声。
It hurts to talk.
说话都痛。
I think there's something wrong in my throat.
我觉得我的喉咙有问题。
I say, I want to lie down.
我说，我想躺下。
I'm going to lie down.
我要躺下。
You can't lie down.
你不能躺着。
But I have to.
但我必须这样做。
The men are here.
男人们都在这里。
The firemen are here.
消防员来了。
They're putting me on a plastic sheet.
他们把我放在塑料布上。
They say I'm going to be OK.
他们说我会没事的。
One of them puts something over my face.
其中一个在我脸上放了一些东西。
That feels good.
感觉很好。
That feels so good.
那种感觉真好。
The cold air feels so good going into my lungs.
冷空气进入我的肺部感觉真好。
What are they talking about?
他们在说什么？
What are they saying?
他们在说什么？
They're giving me a shot.
他们正在给我一个机会。
They say it's going to make the pain go away.
他们说这会让疼痛消失。
I'm looking at the faces of all the men who are gathered around me, and their eyes are so blue and clear.
我看着聚集在我周围的所有男人的脸，他们的眼睛是那么蓝而清澈。
My brother is yelling in the background and punching the walls.
我哥哥在后台大喊大叫，并用拳头敲打墙壁。
He's so angry.
他很生气。
I'm being lifted.
我被举起来了
They're rolling me through the front door, down the path, and into the ambulance.
他们推着我穿过前门，沿着小路，送进救护车。
I wonder if anybody in the neighborhood is watching.
我想知道附近有没有人在看。
I don't want them to know.
我不想让他们知道。
And then my mom is here.
然后我妈妈就来了。
And she's smiling and saying she loves me.
她微笑着说她爱我。
And her eyes, which are green like my eyes, are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
她的眼睛和我的眼睛一样是绿色的，是我见过的最美丽的东西。
Brent Runyon.
布伦特·鲁尼恩.
His account of this time in his life is collected in a memoir called The Burn Journals .
他对这段人生经历的记述被收录在一本名为《烧伤日记》的回忆录中。
He also has a new book called Surface Tension: A Novel in Four Summers.
他还有一本新书，名为《表面张力：四个夏天的小说》。
Adrianne Mathiowetz runs our website.
阿德琳娜·马修韦茨 (Adrianne Mathiowetz) 负责运营我们的网站。
Our production manager is Seth Lind.
我们的生产经理是 Seth Lind。
Production help from Andy Dixon.
安迪·迪克森 (Andy Dixon) 提供制作帮助。
Production help on the runaway story from Ellen Yuan and Rhonda Bernstein.
艾伦·袁 (Ellen Yuan) 和朗达·伯恩斯坦 (Rhonda Bernstein) 为逃亡故事提供制作帮助。
It was part of the World Views series, a collection of first-person narratives.
它是世界观系列的一部分，是第一人称叙述的集合。
Some of that funding came from the Corporation for Public Broadcasting.
其中一些资金来自公共广播公司。
Our website, where you can get tickets to our movie theater event, for one night only.
在我们的网站上，您可以获取我们电影院活动的门票，仅限一晚。
Thursday, April 23 we're going to do an episode of our radio show live on stage and beam it to movie theaters all over the country.
4 月 23 日星期四，我们将在舞台上现场直播一集广播节目，并将其传送到全国各地的电影院。
Tickets are available at thisamericanlife.org.
门票可在 thisamericanlife.org 购买。
A shout out to my own dad, with apologies for my own teenage years.
向我自己的父亲大声喊叫，并对我自己的青少年时期表示歉意。
I am very glad we are all older now.
我很高兴我们现在都老了。
This American Life is distributed by Public Radio International.
《美国生活》由国际公共广播电台发行。
WBEZ management oversight for our program by our boss, Mr. Torey Malatia, who explains what attracted him to public radio in the first place.
我们的老板托里·马拉蒂亚 (Torey Malatia) 先生对我们的节目进行 WBEZ 管理监督，他解释了公共广播电台最初吸引他的原因。
I got into it purely for the angry, drunk, violent aspect of it.
我纯粹是因为它的愤怒、醉酒和暴力的一面而进入它的。
I'm Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯。
Back next week, with more stories of This American Life.
下周将带来更多《美国生活》的故事。
This American Life is produced in collaboration with WBEZ Chicago and delivered to stations by PRX The Public Radio Exchange.
《This American Life》与 WBEZ Chicago 合作制作，并由 PRX 公共广播电台传送到各电台。