190: Living the Dream - This American Life
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00:00 00:00 Transcript Share This American Life Life Partners How to Listen Episodes Recommended About Overview Staff Announcements Fellowships Jobs Music Make Radio On The Road FAQ Submissions Merch Contact Us Our Other Shows Merch Follow Us Life Partners Subscribe to our newsletter Full episode Toggle Audio and Transcript Sync Transcript | Episode #190 | August 3, 2001 190: Living the Dream Note: This American Life is produced for the ear and designed to be heard.
00:00 00:00 文字记录 分享此 美国生活 生活伙伴 如何收听 剧集 推荐 关于 概述 员工公告 奖学金 工作 音乐 在路上制作电台 常见问题解答 提交 商品 联系我们 我们的其他节目 商品 关注我们 生活伙伴 订阅我们的时事通讯 整集 切换音频和文字记录同步 文字记录 | 内容第 190 集 | 2001 年 8 月 3 日 190：实现梦想 注：《This American Life》是为耳朵而制作的，旨在让人们听到。
If you are able, we strongly encourage you to listen to the audio, which includes emotion and emphasis that's not on the page.
如果可以的话，我们强烈建议您收听音频，其中包括页面上没有的情感和重点。
Transcripts are generated using a combination of speech recognition software and human transcribers, and may contain errors.
文字记录是使用语音识别软件和人工转录员结合生成的，可能包含错误。
Please check the corresponding audio before quoting in print.
请在印刷版引用前检查相应的音频。
Prologue Ira Glass Tito's 18, lives in Los Angeles, lean and handsome and dark with a bear claw tattooed onto each cheek.
序言 艾拉·格拉斯·蒂托 (Ira Glass Tito) 18 岁，住在洛杉矶，身材瘦削、英俊，肤色黝黑，脸颊上纹着一只熊爪。
And when he talks about his life thus far, he says he just didn't have a choice about certain things.
当他谈到迄今为止的生活时，他说他对某些事情别无选择。
Basically, when I was locked up in juvenile detention I was there for a year and I really believe that if you locked up a year just with a whole bunch of guys, it really can mess with your mental stage.
基本上，当我被关在少管所的时候，我在那里待了一年，我真的相信，如果你和一大群人关在一起一年，那真的会扰乱你的心理状态。
Because I act all hard.
因为我演得很努力。
I act like a dude.
我表现得像个花花公子。
Most likely I dressed like a guy.
我很可能穿得像个男人。
I tried to do everything like a guy.
我试着像个男人一样做每件事。
Play basketball.
打篮球。
But deep inside, these real males can really know that.
但在内心深处，这些真正的男性确实知道这一点。
It's just an act.
这只是一种行为。
It's like really, you're a girl, but you're acting like a dude.
确实，你是个女孩，但你表现得像个男人。
It can be very, very, very frustrating and confusing when you are around a whole bunch of males.
当你和一大群男性在一起时，这可能会非常非常令人沮丧和困惑。
Because what starts to happen when you're around other males, it's like the deep side of you, the female part's trying to come out, and just try to say something.
因为当你和其他男性在一起时，就会发生什么，就像你内心深处的女性部分试图出来，并试图说些什么。
But deep inside, you're pushing that person back down.
但在内心深处，你正在把那个人推倒。
It's like the egg will crack and the female is becoming birthed.
就像鸡蛋即将破裂，雌性即将诞生一样。
I know it sounds very freaky, but this is totally real.
我知道这听起来很奇怪，但这完全是真实的。
If you're trying to figure out who you are, it's funny what can inspire you.
如果你想弄清楚自己是谁，那么什么能激发你的灵感就很有趣。
What can be helpful and give you strength.
什么可以帮助你并给你力量。
Tito, for example, is an Eminem fan.
例如，蒂托就是阿姆的粉丝。
The night Eminem performed at the Grammy's, drunk protesters, gay protesters, who called him homophobic and misogynist.
埃米纳姆在格莱美颁奖典礼上表演的那天晚上，醉酒的抗议者、同性恋抗议者称他恐同和厌恶女性。
Tito was at a party with gay kids and bisexual kids and transsexual kids.
蒂托参加了一个有同性恋孩子、双性恋孩子和变性孩子的聚会。
Kids who are actually born as boys but live as girls, who were all watching the Grammy's on TV and cheering for Eminem.
这些孩子实际上生来是男孩，但生活却是女孩，他们都在电视上观看格莱美颁奖典礼，为阿姆欢呼。
Tito explains it this way.
铁托是这样解释的。
Here's this white guy, Eminem, who somehow felt that part of black culture was just inside him, and decided that he would rap like a black guy.
这是一个白人，埃米纳姆，他不知何故觉得黑人文化的一部分就在他的内心，并决定他会像黑人一样说唱。
And ended up able to pass in that world.
并最终能够穿越到那个世界。
Transgender people, it's the same way.
变性人，也是同样的道理。
It's a boy that feels like a woman inside.
这是一个内心感觉像个女人的男孩。
And want to be free to go ahead and explore that.
并希望能够自由地继续探索。
So they want to dress like a girl and acting like girl.
所以他们想穿得像女孩，举止也像女孩。
It's in the same category for somebody that feels black inside.
对于内心感到黑暗的人来说，这属于同一类别。
I feel so.
我也这么觉得。
I'm Caucasian, but I feel black inside, and I want to explore my side.
我是白人，但我内心感到黑暗，我想探索我的一面。
And I think if Eminem can do it, anybody can.
我认为如果阿姆能做到，那么任何人都可以。
I mean, transgender should too.
我的意思是，跨性别者也应该如此。
There's a deep part of American culture, which is all about the idea that you can make yourself into anyone.
美国文化中有一个很深的部分，那就是你可以让自己成为任何人。
How many of our movies are about the idea that I'm going to be a star?
我们有多少电影是关于我要成为明星的想法？
I'm going to sing, dance, take Wall Street by storm.
我要唱歌、跳舞，席卷华尔街。
Own this crazy town.
拥有这个疯狂的小镇。
See my name in lights.
在灯光中看到我的名字。
Someday be a gangster.
总有一天会成为一名黑帮。
Someday be a real boy.
总有一天会成为一个真正的男孩。
Someday get to Washington and make a difference.
总有一天去华盛顿并有所作为。
Someday leave my uncle's farm in Tatooine and become a Jedi knight like my father.
有一天，离开我叔叔在塔图因的农场，成为像我父亲一样的绝地武士。
Well, today on our program, stories of people who felt this very American call to be something that they were not, and who then willed it to happen.
好吧，今天在我们的节目中，讲述了一些人的故事，他们觉得这种非常美国式的呼唤是他们所不是的，然后他们又希望它发生。
From WBEZ Chicago and Public Radio International, it's This American Life .
来自芝加哥 WBEZ 和国际公共广播电台的《This American Life》。
I'm Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯。
Our program today in three acts.
我们今天的节目分三幕。
Act One, Girls, Girls, Girls.
第一幕，女孩，女孩，女孩。
The story of teenagers who were born as boys, but live as girls in Los Angeles.
讲述在洛杉矶出生为男孩、却以女孩身份生活的青少年的故事。
Act Two, Agent to the Stars.
第二幕，星际特工。
A fan's unlikely dream to meet his favorite movie star accidentally works.
一位粉丝意外地见到了他最喜欢的电影明星的梦想实现了。
Partly to his delight, partly to his horror.
部分让他高兴，部分让他恐惧。
Act Three, Airel Sharon, Shimon Peres, David Ben Gurion, and me!
第三幕，艾雷尔·沙龙、西蒙·佩雷斯、大卫·本·古里安和我！
An American teenager who dreams someday of becoming the prime minister of a nation where he does not even reside.
一名美国少年梦想有一天成为一个他甚至不居住的国家的总理。
Stay with us.
留在我们身边。
Act one, Girls, Girls, Girls.
第一幕，女孩，女孩，女孩。
Over the last 10 years in Los Angeles, there has been a noticeable increase in the number of transsexual teenagers.
过去10年，洛杉矶变性青少年的数量显着增加。
These are both boys and girls.
这些都是男孩和女孩。
You see them on the streets.
你在街上就能看到他们。
Both are on the rise, but the boys who live as girls are a little more visible.
两者都在上升，但以女孩身份生活的男孩更为明显。
As you might expect, they prefer to be called "she" not "he." And "girls" not "boys." Cris Beam has spent the last two years getting to know these kids, interviewing them, writing about them, and she tells this story.
正如您所料，他们更喜欢被称为“她”而不是“他”。而且是“女孩”而不是“男孩”。克里斯·比姆在过去两年里一直在了解这些孩子，采访他们，写下他们的故事，她讲述了这个故事。
I'm writing a book about transsexual youth.
我正在写一本关于变性青年的书。
In Los Angeles where I live, there are hundreds of them, noisily laughing on street corners.
在我居住的洛杉矶，有数百人在街角大声笑。
Runaways or castoffs from families who can't possibly understand.
逃亡者或被家人抛弃的人，他们不可能理解。
There have always been transsexuals in Los Angeles and everywhere else, but never so many kids, so visible and so determined.
洛杉矶和其他地方一直都有变性人，但从来没有这么多孩子，如此引人注目，如此坚定。
They come here because they hear they can find underground hormones, or friends.
他们来这里是因为听说可以找到地下荷尔蒙或朋友。
Or simply because this is the biggest city they can think of.
或者仅仅因为这是他们能想到的最大的城市。
And because they fall under the radar of regular social services, on the street they're playing doctor, beautician, health advisor and shrink to one another.
由于他们受到常规社会服务的关注，因此在街上他们扮演着医生、美容师、健康顾问的角色，并且彼此畏缩。
I posted fliers around asking them to share their stories.
我到处张贴传单，请他们分享他们的故事。
I got one call from a 20 year old woman who agreed to meet with me.
我接到一位 20 岁女性的电话，她同意与我见面。
Her name was Foxxjazell and she told me she was going to be the first international transsexual pop star.
她的名字叫 Foxxjazell，她告诉我她将成为第一位国际变性流行歌星。
She described herself so I could recognize her.
她自我介绍，以便我能认出她。
I'm very beautiful, she said.
我很漂亮，她说。
I'm tall and black with butter pecan caramel skin and long, luxurious, silky hair.
我身材高大，皮肤黝黑，皮肤呈奶油山核桃焦糖色，头发长而奢华、柔滑。
She suggested we meet at the Red Lobster.
她建议我们在红龙虾店见面。
When I got there, I saw she wasn't lying.
当我到达那里时，我发现她没有说谎。
She was really pretty.
她真的很漂亮。
She wore glitter on her eyes and had silver charms braided into her hair.
她的眼睛闪闪发光，头发上编着银色的饰物。
On her ripped jeans she had scrawled the words "Latins do it better."
她在破洞牛仔裤上潦草地写着“拉丁人做得更好”几个字。
She'd grown up Dwight Eric Jackson in Birmingham, Alabama.
她是在阿拉巴马州伯明翰长大的德怀特·埃里克·杰克逊。
As early as she can remember, she felt like a girl.
从她记事起，她就觉得自己像个女孩。
When the teacher would parcel kids off into boy and girl teams in kindergarten, Foxx stood there frozen, not knowing which group to join.
当幼儿园的老师把孩子们分成男女两队时，福克斯呆呆地站在那里，不知道该加入哪一组。
And when she hit adolescence, Foxx had to invent herself like any other teenager, but without the templates-- prom queen, brainiac, jock.
当福克斯进入青春期时，她必须像其他青少年一样塑造自己，但没有模板——舞会女王、天才、运动员。
Foxx had to make up a whole persona that fit with the gender inside her.
福克斯必须塑造一个符合她内心性别的完整角色。
It's a trait that attracts me to these transgender kids in general.
总的来说，这是这些跨性别孩子吸引我的一个特质。
Their intense drive to develop their own reality, and then their own rules to get there.
他们强烈渴望发展自己的现实，然后制定自己的规则来实现这一目标。
For instance, for a few years in high school, inspired by Prince, Foxx replaced her own name with a symbol.
例如，在高中的几年里，受普林斯的启发，福克斯用一个符号取代了自己的名字。
I did not use my name at all.
我根本没有使用我的名字。
I would use a pink triangle.
我会使用粉红色三角形。
I would always carry this pink marker around with me every day.
我每天都会随身携带这个粉红色记号笔。
And if I wanted to sign my name or did my homework or something like that, I'll put a pink triangle on there.
如果我想签上自己的名字或做作业或类似的事情，我会在上面放一个粉红色的三角形。
Because the pink triangle was originally from the Holocaust.
因为粉色三角形最初是来自大屠杀。
Because back then, a lot of the gay people there in the concentration camps got pink triangles put on them.
因为那时候，集中营里的很多同性恋者身上都贴着粉红色的三角形。
But being the creative soul that I am, I put something a little bit different on there.
但作为一个富有创造力的人，我在那里添加了一些不同的东西。
I put a sign of a woman on there.
我在那里贴了一个女人的标志。
And don't you know, it's like the same sign that you see like when you go into the women's bathroom it has that little symbol of a woman.
你难道不知道吗，这就像你进入女厕所时看到的同样的标志，上面有一个女人的小标志。
Like the woman in a skirt?
喜欢穿裙子的女人吗？
Foxxjazell Yes, exactly.
Foxxjazell 是的，完全正确。
It looked exactly like that.
看起来完全就是那样。
And that's the symbol I adapted.
这就是我改编的符号。
And I even got a necklace like that and people would ask me, what does that mean?
我什至得到了一条这样的项链，人们会问我，这意味着什么？
What does that mean?
这意味着什么？
Everyone would ask me that.
每个人都会问我这个问题。
And I would love when people would ask me that because I would love to just tell them.
我很高兴人们问我这个问题，因为我很乐意告诉他们。
I would say this.
我会这么说。
I would say, it means that I'm a woman trapped inside of a male's body.
我想说，这意味着我是一个被困在男性身体里的女人。
That's what it means.
这就是它的意思。
Foxx cross-dressed in secret.
福克斯秘密变装。
And alone in her room, pretended to be Janet Jackson.
独自一人在她的房间里，假装是珍妮·杰克逊。
Sometimes she'd sneak out her window late at night in cheap Halloween wigs and halter tops, and just walk around her neighborhood.
有时她会在深夜戴着廉价的万圣节假发和吊带背心偷偷溜出窗外，然后在她的社区里走来走去。
She wouldn't run into anybody, she just liked how it felt.
她不会遇到任何人，她只是喜欢这种感觉。
Unlike the parents of many of these kids who will throw them out at first discovery of a stiletto in a school bag, Foxx's parents were supportive of their only child.
许多孩子的父母一发现书包里有高跟鞋就会把他们扔出去，而福克斯的父母则支持他们唯一的孩子。
They just worried for her safety.
他们只是担心她的安全。
But she worried for her sanity.
但她担心自己的理智。
She knew she had to go someplace where the unusual was more usual.
她知道她必须去一个异常现象更为常见的地方。
So as soon as she graduated, she got a job, saved her cash, and bought a bus ticket to Los Angeles.
所以一毕业，她就找到了工作，攒了钱，买了一张去洛杉矶的巴士票。
And this is where her story really begins.
这就是她的故事真正开始的地方。
Cahuenga and Hollywood Boulevard is where I first got off.
卡胡恩加和好莱坞大道是我第一个下车的地方。
And this is where I had said to myself, my name was going to be paved down there on one of these stars one of these days.
在这里，我对自己说，有一天我的名字将会被刻在其中一颗星星上。
The corner of Cahuenga and Hollywood is part of the famous Hollywood Walk of Stars.
卡胡恩加和好莱坞的交界处是著名的好莱坞星光大道的一部分。
Every square of sidewalk is embedded with a polished star and a name.
每个方格的人行道上都嵌有一颗抛光的星星和一个名字。
Madge Bellamy, I don't know who that is.
玛奇·贝拉米，我不知道那是谁。
Harry von Zell, I mean, Alfred Green.
哈里·冯·泽尔，我是说，阿尔弗雷德·格林。
If these people were so famous, why haven't I ever heard of them?
如果这些人这么有名，为什么我从来没有听说过他们？
Oh my God.
我的天啊。
Foxx was just 18 when she got to LA, but she arranged to stay in a group home called Covenant House, where a lot of stray gay kids go.
福克斯到达洛杉矶时年仅 18 岁，但她安排住在一个名为 Covenant House 的集体之家，那里有很多流浪的同性恋孩子。
In some ways, it's easier for trans kids to hook up with other girls like themselves than it has ever been.
在某些方面，跨性别孩子比以往任何时候都更容易与像自己一样的其他女孩交往。
Foxx found where to stay in LA from the gay yellow pages before she ever left Birmingham.
福克斯在离开伯明翰之前就从同性恋黄页上找到了在洛杉矶的住宿地点。
Some trans kids use the internet to figure this out.
一些跨性别孩子利用互联网来解决这个问题。
But the jump to full tilt womanhood came on a casual Friday at the telemarketing firm where Foxx was working at the time.
但在一个休闲的周五，福克斯在当时工作的电话营销公司里全面跃升为女性。
On Fridays, employees were told they could wear whatever was comfortable.
周五，员工被告知可以穿任何舒服的衣服。
Most people showed up in jeans and loafers.
大多数人都穿着牛仔裤和乐福鞋出现。
Foxx showed up as a woman.
福克斯以女性身份出现。
It finally just came down.
终于还是下来了。
And it was just like Foxxjazell.
这就像 Foxxjazell 一样。
I mean all those years trapped inside of that boy's body.
我的意思是那些年被困在那个男孩的身体里。
I mean, 19 years to be exact.
我的意思是，准确地说，19 年。
She just couldn't take anymore.
她实在受不了了。
She just couldn't take just dressing up on nights, just dressing up on weekends.
她就是无法忍受只在晚上打扮得漂漂亮亮，只在周末打扮得漂漂亮亮。
She wanted to be out all the time.
她想一直出去。
Since that day last January, Foxx never dressed as a man again.
自去年一月的那天起，福克斯就再也没有打扮得像个男人。
She's fully Foxx, even when she goes home to Alabama for Christmas.
即使她回到阿拉巴马州的家过圣诞节，她也是十足的福克斯。
Then what happened?
然后发生了什么？
Did you decide to go on hormones pretty soon after that?
此后不久您就决定继续服用激素了吗？
It would be five months to be exact before I actually started hormones.
准确地说，我需要五个月的时间才真正开始服用激素。
I went to the LA free clinic.
我去了洛杉矶的免费诊所。
I went to Dr. Victory.
我去找胜利博士。
I got a prescription for Premarin 2.5, the pills, the little purple pills.
我拿到了倍美力 2.5 的处方，药片，紫色的小药片。
And I waited until my insurance kicked in in the middle of May at my job, and I went out and I bought my first bottle of hormones.
我等到五月中旬我的工作保险开始生效，我出去买了我的第一瓶激素。
I was just so happy.
我真是太高兴了。
I really wanted to just swallow the whole bottle.
我真的很想把整瓶都吞下去。
Taking hormones, which gives them breast, redistribute fat in a more feminine way, soften the face, are only one part of transitioning.
服用荷尔蒙可以让她们丰胸、以更女性化的方式重新分配脂肪、软化脸部，这些只是转变的一部分。
There are all kinds of unwritten rules to keep the girls in check.
有各种不成文的规则来约束女孩。
And mainly, they center round appearance and passability.
主要是注重外观和通过性。
When someone recognizes you're genetically male, it's called getting "clocked" on the West Coast or "spooked" on the East.
当有人认识到你在基因上是男性时，这在西海岸被称为“被打卡”，在东海岸被称为“被惊吓”。
And no one ever wants that to happen.
没有人希望这种情况发生。
One girl I talked with described having some guy at a restaurant taunt, "Hey, dude" as she passed by.
与我交谈的一位女孩描述说，当她经过一家餐厅时，有一个男人嘲笑她“嘿，伙计”。
And it was so traumatizing it kept her from dressing for months afterwards.
这对她造成了很大的创伤，以至于她在接下来的几个月里都无法穿衣服。
So the girls are always monitoring each other, keeping an eye out for bad makeup or fake looking boobs, and showering praise on anything fishy.
因此，女孩们总是互相监视，留意糟糕的妆容或看起来很假的胸部，并对任何可疑的事情大加赞扬。
Being fishy is the highest compliment you can get.
可疑是你能得到的最高赞美。
It means you look like you were born that way.
这意味着你看起来就像生来就是这样。
That you were born a girl.
你生来就是个女孩。
It starts with the voice.
它从声音开始。
If you really don't have a fishy voice that can really just destroy the whole image.
如果你真的没有腥味的话，那真的会破坏整个形象。
A lot of times you can have all the makeup in the world, but if you look like a brick, or you're just not passable, I mean--
很多时候你可以拥有世界上所有的妆容，但如果你看起来像一块砖头，或者你只是过不去，我的意思是——
What does it mean to look like a "brick?"
看起来像“砖头”是什么意思？
To look like a brick, that's a term that a lot of girls use as far as a man in a dress.
“看起来像块砖头”，这是很多女孩和穿裙子的男人一样使用的术语。
It means that you may have on a dress and makeup, but yet it's so obvious that you're a guy.
这意味着你可能穿着衣服和化妆，但很明显你是一个男人。
Do they say that to each other?
他们互相这么说吗？
Do they call each other that?
他们互相这样称呼吗？
Yeah.
是的。
A lot of them will say it behind their face and stuff like that.
他们中的很多人都会在背后说这样的话。
"This dame looks like a brick!
“这个女人看起来就像一块砖头！
This dame, she's bricking it up!" But that's how a lot of girls say that.
这个女人，她这是在搞事情啊！”但很多女孩子都是这么说的。
Do you think that girls are critical of each other?
你认为女孩子之间会互相批评吗？
Because it seems to me when I see them on the street, there's a whole lot of criticism if one doesn't look the right way or one doesn't fit into a certain image.
因为在我看来，当我在街上看到他们时，如果一个人看起来不正确或者不符合某种形象，就会受到很多批评。
I'll say this about myself.
我会说一下我自己。
I do feel insecure sometimes if I go out with another girl that isn't as passable as I am.
有时，如果我和另一个不像我那么过得去的女孩出去，我确实会感到不安全。
Because for one thing, it's bad enough if you get clocked.
因为一方面，如果你被打卡就已经够糟糕的了。
But if you're with another girl that is not passable that's going to get you clocked even more, that brings your self-esteem down.
但如果你和另一个过得去的女孩在一起，这会让你更加沮丧，这会降低你的自尊。
So a lot of girls and even myself, won't even go out in public with less passable girls.
所以很多女孩，甚至我自己，都不会和不太过得去的女孩一起出去。
Or girls that are going to bring ridicule to them.
或者是那些会给他们带来嘲笑的女孩。
That seems pretty harsh.
这看起来相当严厉。
Foxxjazell It's harsh, but you have to realize.
Foxxjazell 这很残酷，但你必须意识到。
I mean, being a transgender woman is bad enough, so why would you want to put more gasoline on the fire?
我的意思是，作为一名跨性别女性已经够糟糕了，那你为什么还要火上浇油呢？
There's a certain strip of Santa Monica Boulevard in Hollywood that Foxx says is famous worldwide.
福克斯说，好莱坞圣莫尼卡大道上的某个地带闻名于世。
It's where straight, often married men, come to pick up young, transgender prostitutes.
异性恋者（通常是已婚男人）来这里寻找年轻的变性妓女。
It's also where just out transgender kids often first spot their own kind and can imagine a place to blend in.
刚出来的跨性别孩子也经常在这里第一次发现自己的同类，并想象一个可以融入的地方。
They hang out at Benito's, an all-night taco stand.
他们在贝尼托餐厅（Benito's）闲逛，这是一家通宵营业的玉米卷摊。
Kids will stand around gossip and laugh, go turn a trick, hang out some more, bop into nearby dance clubs on and off the boulevard.
孩子们会站在周围闲聊、大笑、变戏法、多出去玩、跳进林荫大道上和街外附近的舞蹈俱乐部。
You look so good.
你看起来真好。
Foxxjazell It's been so long since I've seen you.
Foxxjazell 我已经很久没有见到你了。
When Foxx and I dropped in at Benito's this month, she ran into an old friend she hadn't seen in ages.
这个月我和福克斯去贝尼托家时，她遇到了一位多年未见的老朋友。
Where you living at now?
你现在住在哪里？
Woman Where am I living?
女人 我住在哪里？
I'm living with my man.
我和我的男人住在一起。
I've got a husband that I've had for two years and we've got a house and got an apartment.
我有一个结婚两年的丈夫，我们有房子和公寓。
And the months really slow, so we got to come up with half of this month's rent and still got to go come up with next month's rent on the first.
几个月的时间真的很慢，所以我们必须拿出本月租金的一半，并且仍然必须在第一天就拿出下个月的租金。
So you're out here getting your work on?
那么你来这里是在忙你的工作吗？
I don't work all the time, but just some time.
我并不是一直工作，只是偶尔工作。
I know the feeling, girl.
我知道这种感觉，女孩。
I mean, sometimes I have to work.
我的意思是，有时我必须工作。
I have to do it too.
我也必须这样做。
Oh, OK.
哦，好吧。
I was going to say-- Foxxjazell It's been so long since I've seen you.
我想说—— Foxxjazell 我已经很久没有见到你了。
Girls who have just derived in LA might show up here to socialize for a few weeks, and then turn a trick for some cash.
刚在洛杉矶出生的女孩可能会来这里社交几周，然后变戏法赚点钱。
It's by then that they've learned how hard it is to get a legitimate job when you're 17 and have both a male ID and C cup breasts.
到那时，他们才知道，当你17岁并且拥有男性ID和C罩杯乳房时，找到一份合法工作是多么困难。
So sex work becomes the option.
所以性工作就成为了一种选择。
It can be dangerous, especially for the younger girls.
这可能很危险，尤其是对于年轻女孩来说。
Some of whom have been kicked out by their parents at 13 or 14, and are looking for a place to stay when they're talking to johns.
其中一些人在 13 或 14 岁的时候就被父母赶出了家门，在与嫖客交谈时正在寻找住处。
Foxx used to work with the Boulevard, but now she's moved onto office jobs.
福克斯曾经在 Boulevard 工作，但现在她转到办公室工作。
Whenever I do work the Boulevard, whenever I have to work the Boulevard, I have a purpose in mind.
每当我在林荫大道上工作时，每当我必须在林荫大道上工作时，我心里都有一个目标。
And that's to get money for that point in time, whether it's to booked studio time, or whatever.
这是为了在那个时间点获得资金，无论是预订工作室时间还是其他什么。
And most of the time I really try to stay away from the Boulevard.
大多数时候我真的尽量远离林荫大道。
I haven't worked it in a long while.
我已经很久没有工作了。
Especially since I've had a stable job.
尤其是我已经有了一份稳定的工作。
Basically, it's something that all of us girls have to do because for one thing, we're not sought after as like, the number one type of employee.
基本上，这是我们所有女孩都必须做的事情，因为一方面，我们不像第一类员工那样受到追捧。
What is it like trying to get a job as a young, transgender person?
作为一名年轻的跨性别者，尝试找到工作是什么感觉？
It can be very frustrating.
这可能会非常令人沮丧。
Because I would say that the last couple of jobs I've been at-- last couple jobs, I've had a big problem with using the women's restroom.
因为我想说，在我从事的最后几份工作中，我在使用女厕所方面遇到了很大的问题。
It's like, genetic women, they can be very supportive for transgender women as far as our whole transition, helping us out with our makeup, giving us tips on men.
就像，遗传女性，就我们的整个变性过程而言，她们可以非常支持跨性别女性，帮助我们化妆，为我们提供有关男性的建议。
But it's like when it comes to the bathroom, that's like off limits.
但就像说到浴室一样，那就是禁区。
It's like, we've just intruded their personal space and I don't understand that.
就像，我们刚刚侵入了他们的私人空间，我不明白这一点。
And the last two jobs I was at, a lot of women had a problem with we using the women's restroom.
在我从事的最后两份工作中，很多女性对我们使用女厕所有疑问。
And I'm like, OK, I look like a woman.
我想，好吧，我看起来像个女人。
I'm build like a woman.
我身材像女人。
I have breasts like a woman.
我有像女人一样的胸部。
And you want me to go use the men's restroom?
你要我去男厕所吗？
If anything, that's going to mess up a little kid.
如果有的话，那会让一个小孩子陷入困境。
Just imagine some little boy going to the restroom and he sees this really nice-looking Jennifer Lopez look-alike woman standing up urinating at the urinal.
想象一下，一个小男孩去洗手间，他看到一个长得很漂亮、长得很像詹妮弗·洛佩兹的女人站起来在小便池里小便。
That's going to just destroy his whole mind concept.
那只会摧毁他的整个头脑概念。
The girls on Santa Monica can make $200, $300 in a night, but will talk surprisingly casually about their job.
圣塔莫尼卡的女孩们一晚上可以赚 200、300 美元，但谈论她们的工作却出奇地随意。
For some, there's a bit of a thrill to tantalizing the straight men who would normally rebuff them.
对于一些人来说，诱惑那些通常会拒绝他们的直男会让人感到有点兴奋。
And for others, it's an unfortunate pause on the path to day work.
对于其他人来说，这是日常工作道路上的一个不幸的停顿。
So many girls come to Santa Monica Boulevard and they have that Pretty Woman concept that oh, I'm going to go out here and work the Boulevard.
很多女孩来到圣莫尼卡大道，她们有“漂亮女人”的概念，哦，我要去这里，在大道上工作。
I'm going to meet a Richard Gere look-alike and he's going to be a millionaire.
我会遇到一个长得很像理查·基尔的人，他会成为百万富翁。
And he's going to marry me and we're going to have children.
他要和我结婚，我们要生孩子了。
I think that's what a lot of girls really think.
我想这也是很多女孩的真实想法。
They have that Pretty Woman concept.
他们有《漂亮女人》的概念。
Do you have that fantasy?
你有这样的幻想吗？
Foxxjazell I tend to have that fantasy from time to time.
Foxxjazell 我时不时就会产生这样的幻想。
And I've actually met a couple of men on the Boulevard that have a little money and they want to spend on me.
事实上，我在林荫大道上遇到过几个有一点钱的男人，他们想在我身上花钱。
Everyone, come on.
大家加油吧。
Everybody in the arena come on and watch me do my thing.
竞技场里的每个人都上来看着我做我的事情。
Watch me do my thing.
看我做我的事。
I like to do my thing.
我喜欢做我的事。
It's Friday night at Foxx's tiny studio apartment.
这是周五晚上，在福克斯的小单间公寓里。
And while Foxx sings and raps with her friend [UNINTELLIGIBLE], two of her drag daughters, 15 year old Angela and 18 year old Ariel, are getting ready to go dancing at an underage club.
当 Foxx 和她的朋友 [无法辨认] 一起唱歌和说唱时，她的两个变装女儿，15 岁的安吉拉和 18 岁的爱丽儿，正准备去一家未成年人俱乐部跳舞。
Luckily, both kids are petite and the onset of puberty has been slow.
幸运的是，两个孩子都很娇小，青春期的到来也很缓慢。
Their faces are soft and in their clingy nylon dresses, bobbed wigs and knee high boots, they pass amazingly well.
她们的脸庞柔和，穿着贴身的尼龙连衣裙、短发假发和及膝靴，表现得非常好。
They dress like any Latina high schooler in LA would-- baby doll cute-- but a little more trampy than a mom would like.
他们的穿着就像洛杉矶的任何拉丁裔高中生一样——娃娃可爱——但比妈妈想要的更流浪一点。
Angela and Ariel, like a handful of other local kids, keep their wigs, heels, handbags, and makeup at Foxx's.
安吉拉（Angela）和爱丽儿（Ariel）像当地其他一些孩子一样，在福克斯商店存放假发、高跟鞋、手提包和化妆品。
Angela and Ariel both still go to high school and live at boys during the day, and don't want to risk getting caught by their families.
安吉拉和爱丽儿仍然在上高中，白天住在男孩家里，不想冒被家人发现的风险。
While some of the other teens who live on the streets just don't want to get their stuff stolen.
而其他一些住在街上的青少年只是不想让自己的东西被偷。
So Foxx's place is a sort of de facto dressing room come clubhouse, where kids come in and out to dress up, eat Foxx's food, get some motherly advice, and often crash on her couch.
所以福克斯的地方实际上是一个更衣室和俱乐部会所，孩子们进出这里打扮，吃福克斯的食物，得到一些母亲的建议，并且经常在她的沙发上休息。
I was there for hours watching them do and re-do their makeup, primp and fluff and gaze into the mirror.
我在那儿待了好几个小时，看着他们化妆、打扮、梳妆打扮，凝视着镜子。
And pull an astonishing number of gogo boots out of Foxx's closet.
并从 Foxx 的衣柜里拿出数量惊人的 gogo 靴子。
You don't have a bra on?
你没穿胸罩吗？
You can put the water balloons, so they can look big and soft.
你可以放水气球，这样它们看起来又大又软。
At the same time when you walk, they'll move.
当你走路的同时，它们也会移动。
They fill their bras with water balloons.
她们的胸罩里装满了水气球。
Hormones would get them breast in a matter of months and would add weight to their narrow hips and backsides.
荷尔蒙会在几个月内让她们丰胸，并会增加她们狭窄的臀部和背部的重量。
But for now, neither has started taking.
但目前，两人都还没有开始服用。
There's a thriving black market for hormones here in LA.
洛杉矶的激素黑市非常繁荣。
And, like many prescription drugs that are purchased over the counter in Mexico, estrogen is smuggled across the border and is sold in the swap meets with other Mexican pharmaceuticals.
而且，与在墨西哥柜台购买的许多处方药一样，雌激素也被走私跨境，并在与其他墨西哥药品的互换交易中出售。
In the rush to fill out and pass, girls will shoot massive amounts of hormones into their butts every week.
在急于充实和通过的过程中，女孩们每周都会向她们的屁股喷射大量的荷尔蒙。
Often causing PMS-like mood swings.
经常引起类似经前综合症的情绪波动。
Sometimes they'll also inject silicone and oils directly into their hips, butts, knees, and even cheeks, all to round out the harder edges.
有时，他们还会将硅胶和油直接注入臀部、臀部、膝盖，甚至脸颊，以修饰较硬的边缘。
There are a few doctors who will prescribe hormones to kids, but the waiting lists are long.
有一些医生会给孩子开激素处方，但等待名单很长。
And some feel the doses are too conservative.
有些人认为剂量过于保守。
Foxx is going the legal route with an estrogen prescription and her doctor tells her to expect breasts about the size of her mother's.
福克斯正在走合法途径，服用雌激素处方，她的医生告诉她，乳房的大小应该与母亲的大小相同。
After all, you can't override genetics.
毕竟，你无法超越遗传学。
This particular Friday is special, as the girls are celebrating Ariel's retirement party.
这个特别的星期五很特别，因为女孩们正在庆祝爱丽儿的退休派对。
Ariel is 18, small, Latina, and even when she wears her baggy boy clothes, looks like a shy little girl who curls herself into her chair when she talks.
艾丽尔今年 18 岁，身材娇小，是拉丁裔，即使她穿着宽松的男孩衣服，看起来也像一个害羞的小女孩，说话时把自己蜷缩在椅子上。
She tell me she's decided to retire.
她告诉我她决定退休。
To stop dressing and live as a boy for one whole month to see if she can make it.
停止穿衣服，像男孩一样生活一个月，看看她是否能成功。
Tonight is her last night in drag.
今晚是她变装的最后一晚。
Put powder on your face, your ears.
将粉末涂在脸上、耳朵上。
Behind your ears and your neck.
在你的耳朵和脖子后面。
And your chest.
还有你的胸部。
Ariel named herself after the Little Mermaid in the Disney movie.
爱丽儿以迪士尼电影中的小美人鱼为自己命名。
For so many transgender kids Ariel's age, The Little Mermaid is hugely significant.
对于许多像爱丽儿这样年纪的变性孩子来说，《小美人鱼》意义重大。
After all, the film came out when they were 9 or 10 and give them hope.
毕竟，这部电影在他们九岁或十岁的时候就上映了，给了他们希望。
The cartoon Ariel is a mermaid who hates the body she was born with and wants nothing more than to be a real girl.
卡通片中的爱丽儿是一条美人鱼，她讨厌自己与生俱来的身体，只想成为一个真正的女孩。
She was sitting in the ocean.
她正坐在大海里。
She wanted to be a human being.
她想成为一个人。
And at the end, she turned into a girl and she just looked like a girl.
最后，她变成了一个女孩，而且她看起来就像一个女孩。
And she never got clocked.
而且她从来没有打卡过。
And then she went for what she wanted and she did what she wanted.
然后她就去做她想做的事，做她想做的事。
At the end she was happy.
最后她很高兴。
Everyone's happy.
每个人都很高兴。
Her story is just-- I don't know.
她的故事只是——我不知道。
It'll be like my mom telling me I can be a girl and you can do this.
就像我妈妈告诉我，我可以成为一个女孩，你也可以做到。
Like that.
就这样。
Do you think your mom ever would say it's OK to be a girl?
你认为你妈妈会说做个女孩没问题吗？
No. Cris Beam Foxx thinks there's no way Ariel's retirement is going to last.
不。克里斯·比姆·福克斯 (Cris Beam Foxx) 认为阿里尔 (Ariel) 的退休生活不可能持续下去。
She remembers her own teenage-hood and how she would vow to give up dressing as a woman, but she could never help coming back.
她记得自己的青少年时期，以及她如何发誓放弃女性打扮，但她永远无法控制回来。
Today was-- I don't know if it was the rain.
今天——我不知道是不是下雨了。
But it was just a depressing day for me.
但这对我来说只是令人沮丧的一天。
A few days after the retirement party, I met up with Foxx again at her apartment.
退休聚会几天后，我在福克斯的公寓再次见到了她。
We drank her Kool-Aid from plastic cups and sat on her secondhand couch with the shades drawn.
我们用塑料杯喝了她的酷爱饮料，然后坐在她拉着窗帘的二手沙发上。
Everything just seemed to be coming together now.
现在一切似乎都在一起了。
But I still have this sense of emptiness inside because apparently Valentine's Day is coming up.
但我内心仍然有一种空虚的感觉，因为显然情人节即将到来。
Plus my birthday's going to be right after that.
而且我的生日就在那之后。
And it doesn't make any things much better that I haven't had my first relationship yet.
我还没有建立第一段关系，这并没有让事情变得更好。
Whenever I see Foxx she talks obsessively about finding a boyfriend.
每当我看到福克斯时，她都会痴迷地谈论找男朋友。
She's visited psychics and grilled all her friends for leads and can't figure out why nothing has panned out.
她拜访了通灵者，盘问了她所有的朋友以寻找线索，但不明白为什么没有任何结果。
As she's gotten older, transitioning into a woman is no longer the central drama of her life.
随着年龄的增长，转变为女人不再是她生活的中心戏剧。
Getting a boyfriend is.
找个男朋友就是了。
Today's story is typical.
今天的故事很典型。
She tells me about a guy down the street who introduced himself as Christopher Columbus.
她告诉我街上有一个人，他自称是克里斯托弗·哥伦布。
He told her she looked good and they exchanged phone numbers, but he never ended up calling her.
他告诉她她看起来不错，他们交换了电话号码，但他最终没有给她打电话。
It was probably, at least a month after that, he still didn't call.
大概，至少一个月过去了，他还是没有打来电话。
And I was walking on that same block and he was out with a bunch of his friends.
我正在同一个街区散步，他和他的一群朋友出去了。
And one of his friends I think wanted to talk to me.
我想他的一位朋友想和我谈谈。
He said, hey, what's up?
他说，嘿，怎么了？
And the guy that identified himself as Christopher Columbus, he came out of nowhere and said, that's a man.
那个自称为克里斯托弗·哥伦布的人突然冒出来说，这是一个男人。
That's a man.
那是一个男人。
You're a guy.
你是个男人。
You're a guy and you're ugly.
你是个男人，而且你很丑。
You're ugly.
你很丑。
And I just walked away.
我就走开了。
And my heart was just so broken.
我的心是如此破碎。
And like now, every time I pass by his house and everything he's standing outside with his friends or something.
就像现在一样，每次我经过他的房子和所有他和他的朋友或其他人站在外面的东西。
He still teases me and say things like that.
他仍然取笑我并说类似的话。
The last time he talked to me was probably like three weeks ago.
他上次和我说话可能是三周前。
And he asked me, let me ask you something.
他问我，让我问你一件事。
Have you had it cut it off yet?
你已经把它剪掉了吗？
And he was referring to have I had the surgery yet.
他指的是我已经做过手术了。
And I said, that's personal.
我说，那是个人的。
And he said, well, I guess that means that you haven't had it cut off.
他说，好吧，我想这意味着你还没有把它切断。
And I just walked away.
我就走开了。
How do you handle that kind of sadness and that kind of rejection?
你如何处理那种悲伤和那种拒绝？
Well, it's been the inspiration for five songs that I've written.
嗯，这是我写的五首歌的灵感来源。
Foxx wants to be a huge star.
福克斯想成为巨星。
She's a singer and a rapper and she spends all of her money on studio time, recording songs about coming out, and being transgender, and wanting the world to understand.
她是一名歌手和说唱歌手，她把所有的钱都花在录音室上，录制关于出柜、变性以及希望世界理解的歌曲。
She imagines being somewhat of a sex symbol too, and knows her future boyfriend will have to put up with that.
她想象自己也成为性感象征，并且知道她未来的男朋友将不得不忍受这一点。
She constantly worries about when that boyfriend will come.
她总是担心那个男朋友什么时候会来。
It was a few weeks after her 21st birthday that Foxx called me up all excited.
就在她 21 岁生日几周后，福克斯兴奋地给我打电话。
It had finally happened, she gushed.
她滔滔不绝地说，这件事终于发生了。
Everything she dreamed of.
她所梦想的一切。
She told me she had met a man.
她告诉我她遇到了一个男人。
Actually, they met a week ago and he was now living in her apartment.
事实上，他们一周前就认识了，他现在住在她的公寓里。
It's really exciting because I mean, it's like last week I'm single and now this week I have a boyfriend and he's cooking for me.
这真的很令人兴奋，因为我的意思是，就像上周我还是单身一样，现在这周我有了男朋友，他正在为我做饭。
And I'm falling in love with him and he's falling in love with me.
我爱上了他，他也爱上了我。
It's just happening so fast.
这一切发生得太快了。
It's like a dream.
这就像一个梦。
If there's any question in your mind at all about straight guys going for transgender girls, remember, these girls are fantastically adorable.
如果您对直男追求变性女孩有任何疑问，请记住，这些女孩非常可爱。
Foxx's new boyfriend, Sergio, is 23.
福克斯的新男友塞尔吉奥 (Sergio) 23 岁。
He's a Puerto Rican guy from New York with an ex-wife and a daughter.
他是来自纽约的波多黎各人，有前妻和女儿。
Foxx is the first transgender woman he's ever dated.
福克斯是他约会过的第一个跨性别女性。
He's straight and sweet and totally in love.
他很直，很可爱，而且完全恋爱了。
I even tell them it's like, I don't believe you some time because of the fact that you're so fine and you can get any real girl that you want to.
我什至告诉他们，有时候我不相信你，因为你很好，你可以得到任何你想要的真正的女孩。
But yet, you're here with me.
但无论如何，你都在我身边。
And I just want to pinch myself and just wake up.
我只想掐自己一下然后醒来。
How do you feel when she says that you could get any real girl?
当她说你可以得到任何真正的女孩时，你有何感受？
What does that do for you?
这对你有什么作用？
Well, I actually said that maybe she's true about that, but my feeling is I can never find someone like her.
好吧，我实际上说过也许她是真的，但我的感觉是我永远找不到像她这样的人。
And I think I'm going to be all right after this.
我想在这之后我会没事的。
I wanted to comment about something.
我想对某件事发表评论。
Sergio was listening to my song, "If I was a Real Girl" and he made a comment that just struck me.
塞尔吉奥正在听我的歌曲“如果我是一个真正的女孩”，他发表的评论让我印象深刻。
And I forgot what he said.
而且我忘了他说了什么。
What did you say, baby?
你说什么，宝贝？
When you listened to my song.
当你听我的歌时。
Oh, I say, you don't have to be a real woman to somebody like me who cares and love you.
哦，我说，对于像我这样关心和爱你的人来说，你不必成为一个真正的女人。
I don't see what she has outside, I see what is inside of her.
我看不到她的外表，我看到的是她的内心。
That's the point.
这就是重点。
That's the view that I see about all this thing.
这就是我对这一切的看法。
Like I always say, the heart doesn't see, only feels.
就像我常说的，心看不见，只能感觉。
When I tell people about this book project they all want to know which of the kids are really women or really men.
当我告诉人们这本书的项目时，他们都想知道哪些孩子是真正的女人还是真正的男人。
By which they mean, who has had the genital surgery.
他们的意思是，谁做过生殖器手术。
But the surgery is irrelevant.
但与手术无关。
Lots of trans men never have it because it costs $70,000.
许多跨性别男人从未拥有过它，因为它的价格为 70,000 美元。
And plenty of trans women, like Foxx, don't want it.
许多跨性别女性，比如福克斯，并不想要这样。
It's funny, feminism has worked so hard to prove that women are more than what's in their pants.
有趣的是，女权主义如此努力地证明女性不仅仅是她们裤子里的东西。
But when it comes to transsexuals, it's all people can think about.
但说到变性人，那就是人们能想到的全部了。
So I counter crudeness with crudeness and ask them, if you somehow got into an accident and lost everything below the waist, would you be any less woman, any less man?
所以我就粗鲁地反粗鲁地问他们，如果你因为某种原因出了事故，腰部以下的一切都失去了，你会变得不再是女人，不再是男人吗？
If you think you're a woman you are one.
如果你认为自己是一名女性，那么你就是一名女性。
We're not used to that idea.
我们不习惯这个想法。
We're not used to believing that gender is determined only by our hearts.
我们不习惯相信性别仅由我们的内心决定。
In Ariel's case, she couldn't suppress this heart and her retirement turned out to be more of a pause then a real break.
对于爱丽儿来说，她无法抑制这颗心，她的退休更多的是一个停顿，而不是真正的休息。
So the last time that I saw you, you were deciding to retire and stop dressing.
所以上次我见到你时，你正决定退休并不再穿衣服。
And how long were you going to take your retirement for?
您打算退休多久？
For a month.
一个月了。
Cris Beam And how long did it last?
Cris Beam 这持续了多久？
It lasted for like a week.
它持续了大约一周。
Cris Beam A few days after her retirement party, Ariel's friends started calling her, asking her to go out, and dress up, and take pictures with them.
克里斯·比姆 (Cris Beam) 退休派对几天后，艾丽儿 (Ariel) 的朋友开始打电话给她，请她出去，打扮一下，并与他们合影。
So she went and it felt great.
于是她就去了，感觉很棒。
Though it scares her that if felt great.
尽管感觉很棒，这让她感到害怕。
I failed.
我失败了。
I did fail.
我确实失败了。
It's like I'm going to go to hell.
就好像我要下地狱一样。
That's what I think in my head.
这就是我的想法。
Why would God disapprove?
神为什么不赞成呢？
Ariel Because it's in the Bible that you were born a man and a man you are.
艾瑞尔 因为《圣经》里说你生来就是一个男人，而你就是一个男人。
Did you learn anything from your retirement?
你从退休生活中学到了什么吗？
Did you learn how to golf?
你学会了如何打高尔夫球吗？
Did you learn anything from your retirement?
你从退休生活中学到了什么吗？
Ariel is struggling back and forth, dressing some days as a boy and some days as a girl.
爱丽儿挣扎着，有时穿成男孩，有时穿成女孩。
But guiltily.
却又心怀愧疚。
Ariel as a boy is withdrawn, blinking vacantly and drowning in baggy, hide-everything jeans.
小时候的爱丽儿性格孤僻，茫然地眨着眼睛，穿着宽松的牛仔裤。
He almost disappears.
他几乎消失了。
But as a girl, Ariel is vibrant, believable, sassy.
但作为一个女孩，爱丽儿是充满活力、可信、时髦的。
Claiming space with her walk and challenging you to meet her eye.
她走路时占据空间，并挑战你与她目光对视。
When Ariel was going to a rough inner city school a few years back she tried to be tough and masculine.
几年前，当爱丽儿去一所简陋的市中心学校读书时，她试图表现得坚强、有男子气概。
But the boy's still harassed her for acting too girlie and she had to drop out.
但男孩仍然骚扰她表现得太娘娘腔，她不得不退学。
To get even, she showed up one last time dressed up, as she says, hoochie, in a tiny dress and heels.
为了报仇，她最后一次出现时，用她自己的话来说，就是穿着小裙子和高跟鞋，“hoochie”。
The boys didn't recognize her as she walked around the quad.
当她绕着院子走时，男孩们没有认出她。
And some even asked for her number.
有些人甚至询问她的电话号码。
I love this defiance, this revenge in the face of such pain.
我喜欢这种面对如此痛苦时的反抗和报复。
Ariel recently had to leave her sister's house and south central neighborhood because neighbor boys, once again, we're threatening to kill her for acting too gay.
艾丽尔最近不得不离开她姐姐的家和中南部社区，因为邻居男孩们，我们再次威胁要杀了她，因为她表现得太同性恋了。
She's now living across town in her own apartment with an older transgender woman.
她现在和一位年长的跨性别女性住在镇另一边自己的公寓里。
Ariel's still not dressing full time, but the other day she did call me up to see if I would take her out for her 19th birthday.
Ariel 仍然没有全职穿衣服，但有一天她确实打电话给我，问我是否愿意带她出去庆祝她 19 岁生日。
She wanted me to buy her a wig.
她要我给她买假发。
Cris Beam is a writer living in Los Angeles.
克里斯·比姆 (Cris Beam) 是一位居住在洛杉矶的作家。
These days, Foxxjazell has a day job doing street outreach to transgender youth.
如今，福克斯加泽尔的日常工作是为变性青年进行街头宣传。
To hear her music you can download MP3 files from the This American Life website, www.thisamericanlife.org.
要聆听她的音乐，您可以从 This American Life 网站 www.thisamericanlife.org 下载 MP3 文件。
Coming up, somebody famous you've never heard of.
来了，一位你从未听说过的名人。
Somebody who wanted a job you probably don't want.
想要一份你可能不想要的工作的人。
And the well-known catchphrase, "this is my boomstick." You know, this is my boomstick.
还有那句著名的口号：“这是我的吊杆。”你知道，这是我的摇杆。
In a minute from Public Radio International when our program continues.
国际公共广播电台一分钟后我们的节目仍在继续。
It's This American Life , I'm Ira Glass.
这就是美国生活，我是艾拉·格拉斯。
Each week on our program of course, we choose some theme, bring you a variety of different kinds of stories on that theme.
当然，我们每周的节目都会选择一些主题，为您带来有关该主题的各种不同类型的故事。
Today's show, Living the Dream.
今天的节目是《实现梦想》。
People who decided to remake their lives around some new vision of themselves.
人们决定围绕自己的新愿景重塑生活。
We have arrived at act two of our program.
我们已经进入了计划的第二幕。
Act two, Agent to the Stars.
第二幕，星际特工。
John Hodgman tells this story of a dream that was a modest dream.
约翰·霍奇曼讲述了一个梦想的故事，这个梦想是一个朴素的梦想。
Modest enough that it could actually come true.
足够谦虚，它实际上可以实现。
If there's one thing you learn the day you start working in publishing, it's that everyone wants to write a book.
如果说你从开始从事出版工作的那天起就学到了一件事，那就是每个人都想写一本书。
No matter how lowly your position, the moment you get that first job you can be sure that 18 of your father's friends will soon be calling you about how to get their spy novel published.
无论你的职位有多低，当你得到第一份工作时，你可以肯定你父亲的 18 个朋友很快就会打电话给你，询问如何出版他们的间谍小说。
There's something so alluring about becoming an author, and it's something so daunting and enigmatic about the process of getting published that even the most accomplished men and women, world travelers, captains of industry, cower before it.
成为一名作家是如此诱人，而出版的过程又如此令人畏惧和神秘，即使是最有成就的男人和女人、世界旅行者、工业领袖，也会在它面前畏缩。
This is how the greenest publishing recruits end up editing the inner musings of gangsters, telling millionaires to kill their darlings, spell checking presidents.
这就是最环保的出版业新人最终如何编辑黑帮的内心想法、告诉百万富翁杀死他们的宠儿、检查拼写的总统。
And this is how, with little training, less experience, and only a vague idea of what I was doing, I became the professional literary agent for the world famous movie star Mr. Bruce Campbell.
就这样，我在几乎没有受过训练、经验较少、对自己所做的事情只有模糊概念的情况下，成为了世界著名电影明星布鲁斯·坎贝尔先生的专业文学经纪人。
You don't know who Bruce Campbell is.
你不知道布鲁斯·坎贝尔是谁。
That's fine.
没关系。
As his agent, I've had to explain it a lot.
作为他的经纪人，我不得不解释很多。
Bruce Campbell is an actor.
布鲁斯·坎贝尔是一名演员。
He was Ellen's boss on Ellen , Jack on Jack of All Trades , Autolycus, King of Thieves on Xena: Warrior Princess .
他是《Ellen》中Ellen的老板，《Jack of All Trades》中的Jack，《Xena: Warrior Princess》中的盗贼之王Autolycus。
In the movies Maniac Cop 1 and Maniac Cop 2 he played the cop who was not a maniac.
在电影《疯狂警察 1》和《疯狂警察 2》中，他扮演的警察不是疯子。
He's the sort of actor who dies in the first 10 minutes of the movie Congo .
他是那种在电影《刚果》的前十分钟就死掉的演员。
Which he did.
他做到了。
The music you're listening to right now is the theme from The Adventures of Briscoe County Jr. in which Bruce Campbell played a cowboy.
您现在听到的音乐是《小布里斯科县历险记》的主题曲，布鲁斯·坎贝尔在其中扮演了一名牛仔。
It was canceled after one season.
一个赛季后就被取消了。
We still use the theme song though, from time to time, to introduce sporting events, like the World Series or the Olympics.
不过，我们仍然时不时地使用主题曲来介绍体育赛事，例如世界职业棒球大赛或奥运会。
If none of this rings a bell, perhaps you've seen a movie called The Evil Dead or one of its two sequels.
如果这些都没有引起您的注意，也许您已经看过一部名为《邪恶之死》的电影或其两部续集之一。
In Evil Dead II: Dead by Dawn there's a character named Ash, whose hand is infested by an evil spirit.
在《鬼玩人 II：黎明杀机》中，有一个名叫艾什的角色，他的手上沾满了邪灵。
After the possessed hand slaps him all over the house, he cuts it off with a chainsaw.
被附身的手把他打遍了整个房子后，他用电锯把它锯掉了。
But it still isn't dead.
但它还没有死。
Ash goes out to the work shed and what follows is one of the great parodies ever to be filmed of the classic hero gets ready to kick-ass montage.
阿什走到工作棚，接下来是有史以来拍摄过的经典英雄准备大干一场蒙太奇的精彩模仿秀之一。
Close up of Ash gathering his tools and ammunition, modifying the chain saw.
阿什收集工具和弹药、改装链锯的特写。
Which he then straps on to the stump where his hand used to be.
然后他将其绑在他的手曾经所在的残肢上。
Pulling the rip chord, he uses it to saw the end of a double barreled shotgun.
他拉动撕裂弦，用它锯开双管猎枪的末端。
He twirls the gun cowboy style around his trigger finger, slips it into a holster on his back.
他扣动扳机的手指转动着牛仔式的手枪，然后将它塞进背上的枪套中。
As the chainsaw's engine roars, he stares into the camera and deadpans the immortal line--
随着电锯引擎的轰鸣，他凝视着镜头，面无表情地说出了不朽的台词——
Groovy.
好极了。
John Hodgman That's Bruce Campbell.
约翰·霍奇曼 那是布鲁斯·坎贝尔。
And with that line, a B-movie star was born.
伴随着这句台词，一位B级片明星诞生了。
Because if you don't know who Bruce Campbell is there's a growing circle of devoted fans who do, and they want you to meet him.
因为如果你不知道布鲁斯·坎贝尔是谁，那么越来越多的忠实粉丝知道他是谁，他们希望你认识他。
They build websites in his honor.
他们以他的名义建立了网站。
They make refrigerator magnets with his picture on them and they sell them on e-Bay.
他们制作了印有他照片的冰箱贴，并在 eBay 上出售。
When Napster was on its last legs this past spring, the only thing you could be sure to find there were German drinking songs and Bruce Campbell's most famous lines.
去年春天，当 Napster 陷入困境时，你唯一能确定的是德国饮酒歌曲和布鲁斯·坎贝尔最著名的台词。
"Groovy." "This is my boomstick." "Hail to the King, baby."
“好极了。” “这是我的摇杆。” “向国王致敬，宝贝。”
Hail to the King, baby.
向国王致敬，宝贝。
Good.
好的。
Bad.
坏的。
I'm the guy with the gun.
我就是那个拿着枪的人。
Give me some sugar, baby.
给我一些糖，宝贝。
I got news for you, pal.
我有消息要告诉你，朋友。
You ain't leading but two things right now, Jack and [BLEEP].
你现在只领导两件事，杰克和[BLEEP]。
And Jack left town.
杰克离开了小镇。
On their own or dropped over homemade techno music, they're the passwords into the inner circle of the cult of Bruce Campbell.
无论是单独使用还是加入自制的电子音乐，它们都是进入布鲁斯·坎贝尔崇拜核心圈子的密码。
The cult is nearly equally men and women, perhaps because Bruce's charm fall somewhere between Cary Grant and the Three Stooges.
这个邪教的男女人数几乎相等，也许是因为布鲁斯的魅力介于加里·格兰特和三个臭皮匠之间。
And maybe it's because he's not very well known that you end up feeling that he's your own personal celebrity that no one else knows about.
也许是因为他不太出名，你最终会觉得他是你自己的名人，没有人知道。
Even if you're aware that Bruce Campbell has a small army of avid fans, there's something about him that makes you think that if you ever had the chance to meet him, the two of you would definitely hang out.
即使你知道布鲁斯·坎贝尔有一小群狂热的粉丝，但他身上的某些东西会让你觉得，如果你有机会见到他，你们两个肯定会一起出去玩。
You might even watch Bruce Campbell movies together.
你们甚至可以一起看布鲁斯·坎贝尔的电影。
That was my line of thinking anyway, in early 1997.
无论如何，这就是我 1997 年初的想法。
I was a young, literary agent who had never sold a book, and a Bruce Campbell fan.
我是一位年轻的文学经纪人，从未卖过一本书，也是布鲁斯·坎贝尔的粉丝。
That spring, my office finally was hooked up to something I had only heard whispers of called the World Wide Web.
那年春天，我的办公室终于连接上了我只听说过的万维网。
It didn't do much for office productivity, but on that first day I typed in the words Bruce and Campbell and it changed my life forever.
它对办公室生产力没有多大帮助，但在第一天我输入了布鲁斯和坎贝尔这两个词，它永远改变了我的生活。
It turned out that Bruce Campbell had his own website.
原来布鲁斯·坎贝尔有自己的网站。
And by his own, I mean his own.
我所说的他自己的，是指他自己的。
Not some slick corporate product, but a homemade looking affair maintained by volunteers, and featuring long essays from Bruce, advice to aspiring actors, notes on how much orange juice costs at the Cannes Film Festival.
这不是一些华而不实的公司产品，而是由志愿者维护的看似自制的活动，其中包括布鲁斯的长文，对有抱负的演员的建议，以及戛纳电影节橙汁费用的说明。
Reports from the set of McHale's Navy , a terrible Tom Arnold movie that no human would ever see.
来自《麦克海尔的海军》片场的报道，这是一部没人会看的汤姆·阿诺德的可怕电影。
There was a link to an email address and I clicked on it and I stared at the empty form.
有一个电子邮件地址的链接，我点击了它，然后盯着空表格。
I didn't know what to say.
我不知道该说什么。
But then, of course, I did.
但后来，我当然这么做了。
I'm not only a fan, I wrote.
我写道，我不仅仅是粉丝。
I am also a professional literary agent.
我也是一名专业的文学经纪人。
Have you ever thought about writing a book?
你有没有想过写一本书？
I didn't really expect him to write back.
我真的没想到他会回信。
It certainly never occurred to me that this book nonsense would be something I'd ever have to think about again in my life.
我绝对没有想到这本书里的废话会成为我一生中不得不再次思考的事情。
But after all, one man's B-movie god is another man's lonely working stiff factor stuck in New Zealand filming Xena: Warrior Princess , taking digital pictures of the strange southern hemisphere electrical outlets and posting them on the internet.
但毕竟，一个人的 B 级电影之神是另一个人孤独工作的僵化因素，困在新西兰拍摄《西娜：战士公主》，拍摄奇怪的南半球电源插座的数码照片并将其发布到互联网上。
He must've been bored out of his mind.
他一定是无聊透顶了。
So the next thing I know I'm chatting with my hero on a crackly overseas connection about why the world must hear the confessions of a B-movie actor.
接下来，我知道我正在通过一个不稳定的海外连接与我的英雄聊天，谈论为什么世界必须听到一个 B 级电影演员的自白。
People have celebrity dreams all the time.
人们一直都有名人梦想。
David Letterman moves into your apartment building.
大卫·莱特曼搬进了你的公寓楼。
The Pope calls wanting to know if you need him to cat sit.
教皇打电话来想知道你是否需要他来坐坐。
But this phone call was the real thing.
但这通电话却是真事。
There I was telling him how a book proposal is written, what an editor does, and on the other end of the line it's Bruce Campbell saying, "Uh huh, I see.
在那里，我告诉他图书提案是如何撰写的，编辑是做什么的，电话的另一端是布鲁斯·坎贝尔说，“嗯嗯，我明白了。
A proposal you say." When he actually said groovy, it was very unsettling.
你说的一个提议。”当他真的说“groovy”时，我感到非常不安。
I wanted to draw our conversation out in part because I thought I would probably never speak to him again, but I also wanted it to end as quickly as possible so I could put it behind me, make it into a story, get back to my normal life.
我想把我们的谈话拉长，部分原因是我想我可能再也不会和他说话了，但我也希望它尽快结束，这样我就可以把它抛在脑后，把它变成一个故事，回到我的正常生活。
To do this I even tried to discourage him.
为了做到这一点，我什至试图劝阻他。
You should probably know I said, I've never sold a book before.
你可能应该知道我说过，我以前从未卖过书。
But when we hung up, it wasn't over.
但当我们挂断电话时，事情还没有结束。
I wouldn't go back to my normal life for a long time.
我很长一段时间都不会回到正常的生活。
Somehow, I don't remember how, I had sold him on me.
不知怎的，我不记得我是怎么把他出卖的。
After that, it was all downhill.
之后，一切都走下坡路了。
And for a reason that I was too much of a fan to anticipate.
由于我是一名粉丝，所以无法预料。
The nature of B-movie stardom is such that you can be a celebrity on one hand and a nobody on the other.
B级片明星的本质是这样的，一方面你可以成为名人，另一方面你可以成为无名小卒。
In a hotel that's hosting a horror movie expo, Bruce Campbell may not be able to get arrested in the lobby, but in the conventional halls he's a living god.
在一家举办恐怖电影博览会的酒店里，布鲁斯·坎贝尔可能不会在大厅里被捕，但在传统的大厅里，他是活生生的神。
Turns out though, that most of the editors I sent his proposal to don't live in the conventional hall, they live in the lobby.
但事实证明，我向他发送提案的大多数编辑并不住在传统的大厅里，他们住在大厅里。
If they were aware at all of the world in which Bruce is a star, it was only to take the time to sneer.
如果他们知道布鲁斯是世界上的明星，那也只是花时间冷笑而已。
Even those who were closet Bruce fans like me, were either unable or unwilling to take a stand and let their geek flags fly.
即使是那些像我一样是布鲁斯的秘密粉丝的人，也无法或不愿意表明立场并让他们的极客旗帜飘扬。
So this project, which initially seemed to spell easy money for both of us, gradually became a painful exercise in enduring rejection.
因此，这个项目最初似乎对我们俩来说都是轻松赚钱的项目，但逐渐变成了忍受拒绝的痛苦练习。
Which put me in a complicated position.
这让我陷入了一个复杂的境地。
I had achieved my dream the moment Bruce first called me.
从布鲁斯第一次打电话给我的那一刻起，我就实现了我的梦想。
The rest was gravy.
剩下的就是肉汁了。
But now, against all common sense, Bruce was entrusting me with his dream and I was letting him down.
但现在，与所有常识相反，布鲁斯将他的梦想托付给了我，而我让他失望了。
It was time to bring out the big guns.
是时候拿出大枪了。
Or, as we say in publishing, it was time to bring the pope over to cat sit.
或者，正如我们在出版界所说的那样，是时候让教皇过来坐坐了。
Bruce had to put himself in front of those few remaining editors who hadn't passed.
布鲁斯必须让自己站在那些少数没有通过的编辑面前。
Make them feel as giddy as I had during that first phone call.
让他们像我第一次打电话时一样感到头晕目眩。
He had to come to New York.
他必须来纽约。
I had obviously always wanted to meet Bruce in person, but not like this.
显然我一直想亲自见到布鲁斯，但不是这样。
Not when the sole reason for his coming was because I had to date, been failing miserably.
不是当他来的唯一原因是因为我必须约会，而我却惨遭失败。
So I tried to distract him with a quick tour of my office.
所以我快速浏览了一下我的办公室，试图分散他的注意力。
We reached my cubicle at the top of the stairs.
我们到达了楼梯顶上的我的小隔间。
That's me, I said, with a quick wave to my sad, little chair.
“那就是我，”我一边说，一边快速向我那张悲伤的小椅子挥了挥手。
Let's go to dinner now.
我们现在去吃晚饭吧。
As we walked down Sixth avenue, my girlfriend and Bruce's wife a little ahead of us, Bruce and I painfully tried to make small talk.
当我们沿着第六大道走时，我的女朋友和布鲁斯的妻子在我们前面一点，布鲁斯和我痛苦地试图闲聊。
At dinner, I finally got the experience every Bruce Campbell fan dreams about.
晚餐时，我终于得到了每个布鲁斯·坎贝尔粉丝梦寐以求的体验。
I was hanging out with Bruce.
我和布鲁斯一起出去玩。
Specifically, I was eating hummus with him.
具体来说，我和他一起吃鹰嘴豆泥。
Does that sound exciting?
听起来令人兴奋吗？
Of course it doesn't.
当然不是。
Everything was normal, completely un-dreamlike.
一切都很正常，完全不像做梦。
And that's what made it great.
这就是它的伟大之处。
We were two couples having dinner, talking about the books we had read.
我们两对夫妇一起吃晚饭，谈论我们读过的书。
The only thing that skewed the night slightly towards surreality was my shaking need for a cigarette.
唯一让这个夜晚稍微有点超现实的感觉是我对香烟的渴望。
I was holding off.
我一直在犹豫。
I thought it might offend him.
我想这可能会冒犯他。
But even after, when Bruce and his wife caught me and my girlfriend frantically lighting up on the street, it wasn't weird.
但即便如此，当布鲁斯和他的妻子发现我和我女朋友在街上疯狂点灯时，这并不奇怪。
We all had a laugh about it.
我们都笑了。
The book finally sold tot he last editor we met that day.
这本书最终卖给了我们那天见到的最后一位编辑。
The one who had brought in the Bruce Campbell issue of Fangoria magazine for an autograph before introducing Bruce around to his bosses.
在向他的老板们介绍布鲁斯之前，他带来了《Fangoria》杂志的布鲁斯·坎贝尔特刊索要签名。
Actually, he didn't even buy it at that house.
事实上，他根本就没有在那个房子里买过它。
He had to quit first and take a job at another company, and then beg his boss before he could even make a modest offer.
他必须先辞职，去另一家公司工作，然后再苦苦哀求老板，才可以开出一点微薄的条件。
We quickly accepted.
我们很快就接受了。
It was a huge weight off my shoulders.
我肩上的担子卸下了。
It's not usual for a book to take almost two years to sell.
一本书需要近两年的时间才能售出并不常见。
Typically, it's more like two weeks.
通常情况下，大约需要两周。
I was hoping that Bruce didn't know this as keenly as I did, but I could never ask him.
我希望布鲁斯不像我一样清楚地知道这一点，但我永远无法问他。
If you're someone's literary agent, the one piece of advice you can't give them is, go get a good literary agent.
如果你是某人的文学经纪人，你不能给他们的一条建议是，去找一位好的文学经纪人。
The day we sold the book I was on vacation with my girlfriend, whom I'd been dating for 10 years.
我们卖书的那天，我正在和女朋友一起度假，我们已经交往了 10 年。
The next day, I asked her to marry me.
第二天，我向她求婚。
We can invite Bruce, I said.
我们可以邀请布鲁斯，我说。
Hey Bruce, how you doing?
嘿布鲁斯，你好吗？
Bruce Campbell Greetings.
布鲁斯·坎贝尔问候。
Greetings.
问候。
Enter.
进入。
Thank you.
谢谢。
I see you've brought goods.
我看你已经带货了。
Yes, I brought a few sandwiches here.
是的，我带来了一些三明治。
This room is pretty nice.
这个房间相当不错。
It's been four years now since that first email and I'm visiting Bruce at The New Yorker Hotel in Manhattan.
距离第一封电子邮件已经过去四年了，我正在曼哈顿的纽约客酒店拜访布鲁斯。
The book is about to come out and Bruce has come to push it with a Q&A, an autograph signing at the Fangoria Weekend of Horror.
这本书即将出版，布鲁斯在方戈里亚恐怖周末通过问答和签名来推动这本书的出版。
I'm not his agent anymore.
我不再是他的经纪人了
For various reasons I've left the business, but Bruce and I have stayed in touch.
由于各种原因我离开了公司，但布鲁斯和我一直保持联系。
Mainly because I refuse to let him go.
主要是我不肯放他走。
I want everyone to stand up.
我希望每个人都站起来。
Stand up.
起来。
Every single one of ya.
你们每一个。
Raise your right hand.
举起你的右手。
Repeat after me.
跟着我重复一遍。
I.
我。
State your name.
说出你的名字。
Bruce Campbell Comedians, huh?
布鲁斯·坎贝尔喜剧演员，是吧？
Bruce is famous for antagonizing his fans, and they love it.
布鲁斯以对抗他的粉丝而闻名，而他们也喜欢这样。
They love him.
他们爱他。
In this room, Bruce Campbell is the biggest star in the world.
在这个房间里，布鲁斯·坎贝尔是世界上最耀眼的明星。
His book is the most important book in the world.
他的书是世界上最重要的书。
And I am his esteemed colleague.
我是他尊敬的同事。
His former professional literary agent.
他的前专业文学经纪人。
Be better over here.
在这里变得更好。
Yes sir.
是的，先生。
Man 2 Are there any plans for Evil Dead IV?
Man 2 有《Evil Dead IV》的计划吗？
God, that's so weird.
天哪，这太奇怪了。
I've never heard that question before.
我以前从未听过这个问题。
As the convention continues, Bruce signs posters, head shots, DVDS, bootleg scripts, bared breasts, anything the fans have to offer.
随着大会的继续，布鲁斯在海报、头像、DVD、盗版脚本、裸露的胸部以及粉丝提供的任何东西上签名。
The line goes to the back of the room and out the door.
队伍从房间后面一直延伸到门外。
In this crowd, there's almost a paternal sense of pride and even concern.
在这群人中，几乎有一种父亲般的自豪感，甚至是担忧。
They feel that Bruce has never had the big break he deserves.
他们认为布鲁斯从未获得过他应得的重大突破。
You're brothers?
你们是兄弟吗？
Are you a Bruce Campbell fan as well?
您也是布鲁斯·坎贝尔的粉丝吗？
Oh, big time.
噢，好极了。
Yeah.
是的。
My brother and I, we're like-- he's like our idol, basically.
我和我的兄弟，基本上，他就像我们的偶像。
Really?
真的吗？
Man 3 We pretty much grew up watching the horror movies.
Man 3 我们几乎是看着恐怖电影长大的。
That's like totally won my brother over with the whole Evil Dead series.
这就像整个《鬼玩人》系列彻底赢得了我兄弟的支持。
In fact, I hope one day when I get really big in the money in the stock markets and everything, I'm going to buy a studio like, for example.
事实上，我希望有一天，当我在股票市场上赚到很多钱时，我会买一个工作室，例如。
And I'm to make him a star, like one of the big movies.
我要让他成为明星，就像一部大电影一样。
Top notch.
一流的。
Right now I'm a freelance writer, but I used to be a literary agent.
现在我是一名自由作家，但我曾经是一名文学经纪人。
And in fact, I represented Bruce's book.
事实上，我代表了布鲁斯的书。
I sold his book to the publishers.
我把他的书卖给了出版商。
And I'm going this show about how four years ago when I first started talking to him about doing a book, for me I had the same impulse.
我将在这个节目中讲述四年前，当我第一次开始与他谈论写一本书时，我也有同样的冲动。
It was wanting to bring him to a bigger audience.
它想把他带到更多的观众面前。
And you're saying how you'd like to--
你是说你想如何——
Exactly.
正是如此。
That's awesome, man.
太棒了，伙计。
Way to go.
一路走好。
Definitely.
确实。
I just think it's interesting because obviously, other people feel the same way.
我只是觉得这很有趣，因为显然其他人也有同样的感觉。
That he deserves more exposure.
他值得更多的曝光。
He definitely deserves more.
他绝对值得更多。
Yes.
是的。
Definitely.
确实。
He's really a top notch actor in reality.
他在现实中确实是一位顶级演员。
So you start the studio.
所以你开始工作室。
You get a Bruce Campbell vehicle going and you hire me to do the book.
你开着一辆布鲁斯·坎贝尔的车，然后雇我来写这本书。
There you go.
就这样吧。
That's about it pretty much.
差不多就是这样了。
And then we'll all hang out.
然后我们就一起出去玩。
Man 3 We got to hang out, definitely.
Man 3 我们肯定要出去玩。
This, I, realize is the paradise that all Bruce Campbell fans want to reach.
我意识到，这是所有布鲁斯·坎贝尔粉丝都想到达的天堂。
They all want to hang with Bruce, but they want to earn it.
他们都想和布鲁斯在一起，但他们想要赢得它。
They want to help him.
他们想帮助他。
And if the book is a hit, then I will have done exactly what that kid dreams of.
如果这本书很受欢迎，那么我就完成了那个孩子的梦想。
What I wanted to do all along, help, and then hang out.
我一直想做的就是帮忙，然后出去玩。
Finally, the convention is over.
终于，大会结束了。
A few fans try to shadow Bruce up to his room, but he evades them.
一些粉丝试图尾随布鲁斯到他的房间，但他避开了他们。
I, however, am still able to follow him through the back passages, the freight elevators, the restricted access doors.
然而，我仍然能够跟随他穿过后面的通道、货梯、限制通道门。
Then we run into some trouble.
然后我们遇到了一些麻烦。
Bruce's key card won't open his room door and the organizer has to go down and have it reprogrammed at the desk.
布鲁斯的钥匙卡打不开他的房门，组织者必须下去并在办公桌上重新编程。
Bruce and I stand there in the shadowy hallway locked out of his room.
布鲁斯和我站在阴暗的走廊里，他的房间被锁在外面。
He seems fidgety, exposed.
他看起来烦躁不安，暴露无遗。
There's still quite a few fans roaming around and now I realize I'm one of them.
仍然有不少粉丝在四处游荡，现在我意识到我也是其中之一。
I'm not his agent anymore.
我不再是他的经纪人了
When the organizer comes back with the key Bruce will go in, get changed, head out to the airport.
当组织者带着钥匙回来时，布鲁斯将进去，换好衣服，前往机场。
I'll go back to my apartment, watch him on television just like I did before I ever met him.
我会回到我的公寓，在电视上看他，就像我遇见他之前一样。
Pretty soon, I'll run out of plausible excuses to email him, to call him, to get the special treatment I've come to expect from my friend, the movie star.
很快，我就会找不到合理的借口给他发电子邮件、打电话给他，以获得我所期待的电影明星朋友的特殊待遇。
Is there anything you won't do for a fan?
为了粉丝还有什么事情是你不会做的吗？
They got in their head about saying these lines of dialogue.
他们脑子里想的是说出这些对话。
Like what lines?
比如什么线？
Bruce Campbell Like groovy or give me some sugar or something.
Bruce Campbell 喜欢 groovy 或者给我一些糖什么的。
Those are tough just because it's hard to have the same feeling.
这些很难，只是因为很难有同样的感觉。
And plus it's like, you've rented the movie.
而且就像，你已经租了这部电影。
That's where it comes from.
这就是它的来源。
That's the original.
那是原来的。
I would just be giving you sloppy seconds.
我只会给你几秒钟的时间。
Would you say groovy?
你会说格调吗？
Bruce Campbell No.
布鲁斯·坎贝尔 没有。
For your old literary agent.
给你的老文学经纪人。
Bruce Campbell I said no.
布鲁斯·坎贝尔 我说不。
John Hodgman lives in New York.
约翰·霍奇曼住在纽约。
Bruce Campbell's book is If Chins Could Kill: Confessions of a B-Movie Actor.
布鲁斯·坎贝尔的书是《如果下巴能杀人：一个 B 级电影演员的自白》。
[MUSIC-"THEME TO SECRET AGENT MAN"]
[音乐-《特工主题曲》]
Act Three, Airel Sharon, Shimon Peres, David Ben Gurion, and Me!
第三幕，艾雷尔·沙龙、西蒙·佩雷斯、大卫·本·古里安和我！
Well, you've heard about a number of different kinds of dreams in today's program.
嗯，您在今天的节目中听说过许多不同类型的梦想。
There is also a kind of dream that we have to protect ourselves from seeing who we really are.
还有一种梦想是我们必须保护自己，以免看到自己的真实身份。
December 3, 1986, Wednesday.
1986 年 12 月 3 日，星期三。
Another fascinating day in the life of Adam Davidson.
亚当·戴维森生命中又一个迷人的一天。
I have a math test tomorrow.
我明天有数学考试。
I'm going to school early to tutor a girl in my class for the aforementioned test.
我要早点去学校辅导班上的一个女孩进行上述考试。
My math class, a joint precalculus and calculus class, consists mainly of seniors not especially interested in learning.
我的数学课是一个预科微积分和微积分联合课，主要由对学习不是特别感兴趣的高年级学生组成。
I guess that I'm the quote "class expert" unquote, in that I always do the math problems which no one else can.
我想我就是“课堂专家”，因为我总是做别人做不到的数学问题。
And for this, I'm disliked.
为此，我不喜欢。
I guess that because I apply myself, think clearly, and do a little work, as well as some intelligence helping out, I am a geek.
我想，因为我专注、清晰思考、做了一些工作，以及一些智力的帮助，所以我是一个极客。
In truth, I am far from it.
事实上，我离它还很远。
When you first read that to yourself, when you first saw it, your reaction was?
当你第一次读到它时，当你第一次看到它时，你的反应是？
It was pure horror.
这纯粹是恐怖。
Ira Glass Recently, Adam Davidson, an occasional contributor to our program, found his old high school diaries.
艾拉·格拉斯 (Ira Glass) 最近，我们项目的临时撰稿人亚当·戴维森 (Adam Davidson) 发现了他以前的高中日记。
Adam's mom is Israeli, his dad is American.
亚当的妈妈是以色列人，他的爸爸是美国人。
Adam grew up in New York.
亚当在纽约长大。
His body was in New York.
他的尸体在纽约。
His brain, as the diaries reveal, was somewhere else entirely.
正如日记所揭示的那样，他的大脑完全在其他地方。
I remember when I was writing it, I remember very clearly.
我记得我写的时候，记得很清楚。
Although I don't say this in the diary that it was very clear to me that this was the diary of the future prime minister of Israel.
虽然我没有在日记中这么说，但我很清楚这是以色列未来总理的日记。
Me.
我。
That I would one day be prime minister.
我有一天会成为首相。
And it would be very important for history, for people to know the deep thoughts of a young Zionist as he prepared his way to lead his nation.
这对历史非常重要，让人们了解一位年轻的犹太复国主义者在准备领导他的国家时的深刻思想。
Now, our regular listeners here in This American Life might remember that you've been on our program describing your experience in Israeli army summer camp.
现在，《美国生活》的常客可能还记得您曾在我们的节目中描述您在以色列军队夏令营的经历。
That was right before I started writing this diary.
那是在我开始写这篇日记之前。
Read me another.
给我读另一个。
Adam Davidson Sure.
亚当·戴维森 当然。
Let's see.
让我们来看看。
There's so much wrong with Jews in Israel that I'm going to have a job ahead of me.
以色列的犹太人有太多问题，我将面临一份工作。
One thing is the lack of any strong Jewish identity among most Jews.
一件事是大多数犹太人缺乏强烈的犹太身份。
This attitude sickens me.
这种态度让我感到恶心。
You Jews of the world, stop worrying about money and well being.
你们全世界的犹太人，不要再担心金钱和福祉了。
I do not know what exactly I'll do.
我不知道我到底要做什么。
But if this situation continues when I'm a bit older, then watch out world Jewry, here comes Adam.
但如果这种情况在我长大一点后继续下去，那么请注意犹太人世界，亚当来了。
And "watch out world Jewry, here comes Adam" was all in capital letters.
“小心世界犹太人，亚当来了”全部是大写字母。
Wow.
哇。
It's interesting that you actually are addressing a readership.
有趣的是，你实际上是在向读者讲话。
Yeah.
是的。
The Jews of the world will one day read this book and will say, if he knew this at 16, how could I be living so badly?
世界上的犹太人有一天会读到这本书，并会说，如果他在 16 岁时就知道这一点，我怎么会过得这么糟糕？
Can I ask you to just read one of the passages where you talk about Israel?
我可以请你读一下你谈论以色列的段落吗？
Sure.
当然。
Let's see.
让我们来看看。
I mean I have this thing from January 4, 1987.
我的意思是我从 1987 年 1 月 4 日起就拥有了这个东西。
I memorized "The Hope", Hatikva, which is the Israeli National Anthem a few minutes ago.
几分钟前我记住了以色列国歌《希望》Hatikva。
That will help me in Israel.
这对我在以色列有帮助。
I find that really amazing that here I am, the future prime minister of Israel and what are the things I need?
我发现我真的很惊讶，我作为以色列未来的总理，我需要什么？
Oh, God, I need to know the national anthem.
哦，上帝，我需要知道国歌。
I'll probably be called upon to recite that at some point.
我可能会在某个时候被要求背诵这句话。
Or they'll be a ball game or something, you'll need to stand up and sing it.
或者是球赛什么的，你需要站起来唱歌。
Right, exactly.
对，完全正确。
At 16, I had such an inflated sense of myself.
16岁时，我的自我意识是如此膨胀。
There was so much going on in my life then that I can remember and I wasn't recording it.
当时我的生活中发生了很多事情，我都记得，但我没有记录下来。
Instead, I was creating this ridiculous fantasy of I'm not just a 16 year old kid who's having crushes and a hopeless geek who can't get a girl to kiss him.
相反，我在创造这样一个荒唐的幻想：我不仅仅是一个暗恋的 16 岁孩子，还是一个无法让女孩亲吻他的绝望的极客。
And being scared and confused about growing old.
对变老感到恐惧和困惑。
I'm the future prime minister of Israel and everything goes through that.
我是以色列未来的总理，一切都会经历这个过程。
But I don't know.
但我不知道。
Ira Glass But maybe keeping a diary where one tells the truth, maybe that's a luxury of being a certain kind of person in a certain kind of situation.
艾拉·格拉斯（Ira Glass）：但也许写日记，说出真相，对于在某种情况下成为某种人来说，这可能是一种奢侈。
Maybe other people in another kind of situation need to actually make up a little fantastic.
也许处于另一种情况的其他人实际上需要化妆一点。
Yeah.
是的。
I didn't have much angst about being the future prime minister of Israel.
对于成为以色列未来的总理，我并没有太多的焦虑。
I was very calm and confident and comfortable with it.
我对此非常平静、自信和舒服。
And I had so much angst about every other aspect of my life.
我对生活的其他方面都感到非常焦虑。
So I now see it as just kind of-- maybe it was a good solution.
所以我现在认为这可能是一个很好的解决方案。
It was a good way to deal with what I was going through.
这是处理我正在经历的事情的好方法。
To have this space where I could just be one of the greats.
拥有这个空间，让我可以成为最伟大的人之一。
I wonder what the 16 year old Adam Davidson would feel in knowing that finally, an audience of a million people was getting some of the reading from this diary.
我想知道 16 岁的亚当·戴维森 (Adam Davidson) 知道一百万人的读者终于能从这本日记中读到一些内容时会有什么感受。
I think this would feel so small to that 16 year old.
我想对于那个16岁的人来说这会感觉太渺小了。
This would feel so nothing.
这样感觉就没什么了。
This would be so unimportant.
这将变得如此不重要。
Being on the radio?
在广播中？
Adam Davidson Being on the radio, a million people.
亚当·戴维森（Adam Davidson）在广播中，有一百万人。
What's a million people?
一百万人算什么？
I mean, we're talking about history.
我的意思是，我们正在谈论历史。
We're talking about sweeping changes.
我们正在谈论彻底的改变。
I'm pretty sure that he would be thoroughly unimpressed.
我很确定他会完全不为所动。
And Adam, what would the 16 year old you think of you now?
Adam，16 岁的你现在会怎么想你？
I think he'd be really disappointed.
我想他一定会非常失望。
I think he'd be really sad.
我想他一定会很难过。
Because you're not the prime minister of Israel?
因为你不是以色列总理？
Yeah, because I just have such a small life.
是的，因为我的生命如此渺小。
I mean I remember I was very disappointed and very sad about my parents.
我的意思是我记得我对我的父母感到非常失望和悲伤。
I was reading biographies, of course, of all the prime ministers of Israel.
当然，我正在阅读以色列所有总理的传记。
And I would just think about my parents and just think, how do you wake up every day knowing that your actions won't affect millions of people?
我只会想到我的父母，然后想，你如何每天醒来都知道你的行为不会影响数百万人？
How is that enough motivation?
怎么才算有足够的动力呢？
Just to have your petty little craft and your petty little family and your small little apartment.
只是为了拥有你的小手艺、你的小家庭和你的小公寓。
It just seemed pathetic.
这看起来很可悲。
I mean, they have the kind of life that, I mean basically, I want for myself.
我的意思是，他们拥有我自己想要的那种生活。
What you're saying though, is that the 16 year old you would be cringing at your 30 year old version just as your 30 year old version is cringing at the 16.
不过你想说的是，16 岁的你会对 30 岁的版本感到畏缩，就像你 30 岁的版本会对 16 岁的版本感到畏缩一样。
Yeah, that's very true.
是的，确实如此。
He would be very, very disgusted if he heard this radio piece.
如果他听到这个广播节目，他会非常非常厌恶。
It would seem like I had settled in a pathetic way.
看来我已经以一种可悲的方式安顿下来了。
Adam Davidson in Los Angeles.
亚当·戴维森在洛杉矶。
Credits Ira Glass Well, our program was produced today by Jonathan Goldstein and myself, with Alex Blumberg, Wendy Dorr and Starlee Kine.
图片来源：Ira Glass 嗯，我们今天的节目是由 Jonathan Goldstein 和我本人以及 Alex Blumberg、Wendy Dorr 和 Starlee Kine 制作的。
Senior producer Julie Snyder.
高级制片人朱莉·斯奈德。
Elizabeth Meister runs our website.
伊丽莎白·梅斯特 (Elizabeth Meister) 负责运营我们的网站。
Production help from Todd Bachmann and Paul McCarthy.
托德·巴赫曼 (Todd Bachmann) 和保罗·麦卡锡 (Paul McCarthy) 为制作提供帮助。
Original music in our story on FoxxJazell by TRS-80.
FoxxJazell 故事中的原创音乐由 TRS-80 制作。
That's Deb, Kent, and Jay.
那是黛布、肯特和杰伊。
To buy a cassette of this program, call us here at WBEZ in Chicago 312-832-3380.
要购买该节目的磁带，请致电芝加哥 WBEZ 312-832-3380。
Or visit our website where you can also listen to our programs for free at www.thisamericanlife.org.
或者访问我们的网站 www.thisamericanlife.org，您也可以免费收听我们的节目。
Don't forget those MP3s.
别忘了那些 MP3。
This American Life is distributed by Public Radio International.
《美国生活》由国际公共广播电台发行。
[FUNDING CREDITS] WBEZ management oversight by Torey Malatia, who explains himself this way.
[资金来源] WBEZ 管理由 Torey Malatia 负责监督，他这样解释自己。
Last couple of jobs I've had a big problem with using the women's restroom.
在过去的几份工作中，我在使用女厕所方面遇到了很大的问题。
I'm Ira Glass, back next week with more stories of this American life.
我是艾拉·格拉斯，下周回来，带来更多关于美国生活的故事。
This American Life is produced in collaboration with WBEZ Chicago and delivered to stations by PRX The Public Radio Exchange.
《This American Life》与 WBEZ Chicago 合作制作，并由 PRX 公共广播电台传送到各电台。