148: The Angels Wanna Wear My Red Suit - This American Life
You are using an outdated browser.
您正在使用过时的浏览器。
Please upgrade your browser or activate Google Chrome Frame to improve your experience.
请升级您的浏览器或激活 Google Chrome 浏览器内嵌框架以改善您的体验。
Sign up for a free Life Partners trial, and you can watch the video “A Night of Stories and Improv.”
注册免费试用《Life Partners》，您可以观看视频“故事与即兴表演之夜”。
00:00 00:00 Transcript Share This American Life Life Partners How to Listen Episodes Recommended About Overview Staff Announcements Fellowships Jobs Music Make Radio On The Road FAQ Submissions Merch Contact Us Our Other Shows Merch Follow Us Life Partners Subscribe to our newsletter Full episode Toggle Audio and Transcript Sync Transcript | Episode #148 | December 24, 1999 148: The Angels Wanna Wear My Red Suit Note: This American Life is produced for the ear and designed to be heard.
00:00 00:00 文字记录 分享此 美国生活 生活伙伴 如何收听 剧集 推荐 关于 概述 员工公告 奖学金 工作 音乐 在路上制作电台 常见问题解答 提交 商品 联系我们 我们的其他节目 商品 关注我们 生活伙伴 订阅我们的时事通讯 整集 切换音频和文字记录同步 文字记录 | 内容第 148 集 | 1999 年 12 月 24 日 148：天使想穿我的红色套装 注：《美国生活》是为耳朵而制作的，旨在让人们听到。
If you are able, we strongly encourage you to listen to the audio, which includes emotion and emphasis that's not on the page.
如果可以的话，我们强烈建议您收听音频，其中包括页面上没有的情感和重点。
Transcripts are generated using a combination of speech recognition software and human transcribers, and may contain errors.
文字记录是使用语音识别软件和人工转录员结合生成的，可能包含错误。
Please check the corresponding audio before quoting in print.
请在印刷版引用前检查相应的音频。
Prologue Ira Glass Oh come all ye faithful, joyful, and triumphant, and let us have, for once, a rational, adult conversation about Santa Claus.
序言 艾拉·格拉斯 哦，你们这些忠实的、快乐的、胜利的人都来吧，让我们这一次理性地、成人地谈论圣诞老人。
You're listening to a special Christmas edition of This American Life from WBEZ Chicago and Public Radio International.
您正在收听 WBEZ 芝加哥和国际公共广播电台的圣诞节特别版《This American Life》。
I'm Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯。
And let us head back my friend, back for a moment before Christmas lights were invented, back before Macy's department store goes up on 34th Street, back before the moment Charles Dickens writes A Christmas Carol, back, my friend, to the molten lava core at the very center of modern Christmas, the day that someone first believed in Santa Claus.
让我们回到我的朋友，回到圣诞彩灯被发明之前的那一刻，回到梅西百货商店在第 34 街开业之前，回到查尔斯·狄更斯写圣诞颂歌的那一刻之前，回到，我的朋友，现代圣诞节正中心的熔岩核心，也就是人们第一次相信圣诞老人的那一天。
Someone has actually figured out when this happened.
事实上，有人已经弄清楚这件事是什么时候发生的。
And it's in 1822, in America, in New York City.
那是在 1822 年，在美国，在纽约市。
And who do we have to thank for the whole thing?
整个事情我们该感谢谁呢？
A bunch of rich guys.
一群有钱人。
And not just any rich guys.
而且不仅仅是任何有钱人。
Aristocratic rich guys who all agreed that there were big, big problems with the entire American experiment, then very young, then more young to them than the Star Wars trilogy is to us.
贵族富人都同意整个美国实验存在很大很大的问题，然后他们非常年轻，然后对他们来说比星球大战三部曲对我们来说更年轻。
And these guys did not like it one little bit.
这些家伙一点也不喜欢它。
They were very suspicious of democracy, modern capitalism, Thomas Jefferson.
他们对民主、现代资本主义、托马斯·杰斐逊非常怀疑。
They just saw it as chaos, and as a takeover of the city, and, really, the whole country, by the mob.
他们只是将其视为混乱，视为暴民对城市乃至整个国家的接管。
This is Stephen Nissenbaum, who has written a history about all of this called The Battle for Christmas.
我是斯蒂芬·尼森鲍姆，他写了一部关于这一切的历史，名为《圣诞节之战》。
Ordinary people, by which they really meant the middle classes, were taking over the city commercially and politically.
普通人，他们真正指的是中产阶级，正在商业和政治上接管这座城市。
They called these people the mob.
他们称这些人为暴民。
Now one of the dreadful areas of mob rule, from their point of view, was what happened at Christmas every year.
从他们的角度来看，现在暴民统治的可怕领域之一就是每年圣诞节发生的事情。
There was all this public rowdiness at Christmas.
圣诞节期间，公共场合发生了很多骚乱。
It was celebrated the way we celebrate New Year's Eve now.
就像我们现在庆祝除夕夜的方式一样。
Yes, exactly.
是的，完全正确。
If you were worried about the mob, the one time of year when you probably had to be most on your guard was the Christmas season.
如果您担心暴徒，那么一年中您最需要警惕的时候可能就是圣诞节了。
During Christmas, roving bands of toughs went from door to door, demanding drinks and making threats.
圣诞节期间，一群恶棍四处游荡，挨家挨户索要饮料并发出威胁。
There was riotous noise-making, massive public drunkenness.
到处都是喧闹喧闹、大规模的公众酗酒。
You can understand why these rich guys just hated it.
你可以理解为什么这些有钱人讨厌它。
And so they set out to create new traditions, traditions that they hoped might replace all this debauchery.
因此，他们开始创造新的传统，他们希望这些传统能够取代所有这些放荡的行为。
Starting around 1810, they tried to convince people that a certain fourth century Catholic saint, Saint Nicholas-- you may recognize the name-- was, in fact, the patron saint of New York.
从 1810 年左右开始，他们试图让人们相信，四世纪的某个天主教圣人圣尼古拉斯（你可能认识这个名字）实际上是纽约的守护神。
For about a decade after that, they tried to make his saint's day, which is December 6, into a regular December holiday on the island of Manhattan.
此后大约十年，他们试图将他的圣人节（12 月 6 日）变成曼哈顿岛上的一个 12 月常规假期。
Now these guys were very serious about the whole business of creating new holidays for the new nation.
现在，这些人非常认真地对待为新国家创造新假期的整个事情。
At least one of them was involved in the creation of Washington's birthday, Columbus Day, and the Fourth of July.
其中至少有一位参与了华盛顿生日、哥伦布日和独立日的创建。
But this Saint Nicholas thing, it was just not catching on.
但圣尼古拉斯的事却没有流行起来。
And if you saw the way that they portrayed Saint Nicholas in a handout that one of these guys had printed in 1810, you might see why.
如果您看到这些人在 1810 年印刷的一份讲义中描绘圣尼古拉斯的方式，您可能会明白原因。
That picture doesn't look at all like the modern Christmas Santa Claus that we know.
这张照片看起来一点也不像我们所知道的现代圣诞圣诞老人。
In fact, he's a very dignified, magisterial bishop.
事实上，他是一位非常有尊严、权威的主教。
He's in clerical robes.
他穿着牧师长袍。
Stephen Nissenbaum He's in clerical robes.
史蒂芬·尼森鲍姆（Stephen Nissenbaum） 他穿着牧师长袍。
He has a bishop's mitre and sceptre, a cross.
他有主教的法冠和权杖，一个十字架。
Everything about him looks like one of those medieval saints.
他的一切看起来都像是中世纪的圣人之一。
He has a halo.
他有光环。
Stephen Nissenbaum He has a halo around him.
斯蒂芬·尼森鲍姆（Stephen Nissenbaum） 他周围有光环。
That Saint Nicholas comes to punish every bit as much as he does to reward.
圣尼古拉斯来惩罚每一点，就像他奖励一样。
Saint Nicholas appears in a book in 1809 and a couple of poems over the next few years.
圣尼古拉斯出现在 1809 年的一本书中，并在接下来的几年里出现在几首诗中。
It is not until 1821 that somebody mentions him arriving on Christmas Eve or describes him in a sleigh pulled by a reindeer, one reindeer in this case.
直到 1821 年，才有人提到他在平安夜抵达，或者描述他乘坐驯鹿拉的雪橇，这里是一头驯鹿。
And then in 1822, one of these rich guys, a man named Clement Clarke Moore, changes everything when he writes a poem.
1822 年，其中一位名叫克莱门特·克拉克·摩尔 (Clement Clarke Moore) 的富人写了一首诗，改变了一切。
How often do you ever get to say that?
你多久说过一次这样的话？
He changes everything when he writes a poem.
当他写诗时，一切都改变了。
This is the poem that begins, "Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse."
这首诗的开头是：“圣诞节前一天晚上，整个房子里没有一个生物在动，甚至连一只老鼠也没有。”
I actually find it kind of incredible in reading this history a century and a half later that the poem that actually created Santa Claus is one that is still around.
实际上，一个半世纪后，当我读到这段历史时，我发现真正创造圣诞老人的那首诗仍然存在，这有点令人难以置信。
Yeah.
是的。
But what he did was he transformed Saint Nicholas utterly.
但他所做的是彻底改变了圣尼古拉斯。
No longer in this poem is Saint Nicholas a dignified bishop.
在这首诗中，圣尼古拉斯不再是一位尊贵的主教。
In fact, there's nothing bishop-like about him.
事实上，他一点也不像主教。
He's short.
他很矮。
He smiles.
他微笑着。
He's fat.
他很胖。
A guy who just loves kids.
一个只爱孩子的人。
It's all there in the poem, the stockings hung with care, the reindeers' names, the fact that he comes down the chimney.
这一切都在诗里了，精心挂着的长袜，驯鹿的名字，他从烟囱下来的事实。
And note Santa's clothes the next time that you hear the poem, a fur coat, a short pipe, a bag that he carries over his shoulder, like an ordinary Yankee trader, not a bishop.
下次你听到这首诗时，请注意圣诞老人的衣服，一件毛皮大衣，一根短烟斗，他肩上挎着一个袋子，就像一个普通的北方商人，而不是主教。
This was the key to the whole thing, Nissenbaum says.
尼森鲍姆说，这是整个事情的关键。
This takes him out of the aristocracy and makes him a regular working man.
这使他脱离了贵族阶层，成为一名普通工人。
Middle class, even before there was a name for middle class.
中产阶级，甚至在中产阶级这个名字出现之前。
A perfect hero for the new nation.
新国家的完美英雄。
And Clement Clarke Moore didn't have any idea how popular his vision of Santa might get.
克莱门特·克拉克·摩尔根本不知道他对圣诞老人的想象会多么受欢迎。
And so, incredibly, he didn't publish the poem.
因此，令人难以置信的是，他没有发表这首诗。
He just passed it around to a few friends.
他只是把它转给了几个朋友。
If he had wanted this to become the American ritual, he probably would have taken steps to publish it.
如果他希望这成为美国的仪式，他可能会采取措施将其公开。
But he didn't.
但他没有。
The story has it that a niece of his took it upon herself to publish it the following year in a newspaper in the Hudson River town of Troy.
据说，第二年，他的侄女亲自将其发表在哈德逊河畔特洛伊小镇的一份报纸上。
And it was republished, and republished after that.
它被重新出版，之后又重新出版。
And within a few decades, the Christmas described in the poem, a Christmas spent at home, with Santa bringing toys and kids with parents all indoors, that Christmas replaced the big, drunken, loud, carousing out on the street kind of Christmas.
几十年后，这首诗中描述的圣诞节，一个在家里度过的圣诞节，圣诞老人带着玩具和孩子，和父母一起呆在室内，这个圣诞节取代了盛大的、醉酒的、喧闹的、在街上狂欢的圣诞节。
So the aristocrats got their way.
于是贵族们就得逞了。
They killed the noisy version of Christmas, though accidentally.
他们意外地扼杀了喧闹的圣诞节。
Well, today on our program, we bring you stories about Santa and the many, many ways in which he is seen.
好吧，今天在我们的节目中，我们为您带来有关圣诞老人的故事以及人们看到他的许多方式。
Act One, The Red Velvet Underground, in which one brave man heads out into the desert to wrestle with a devil named Claus.
第一幕《地下红丝绒》中，一名勇敢的男子前往沙漠与名叫克劳斯的魔鬼摔跤。
Act Two, If This Sleigh is A-Rockin', Don't Come A-Knockin', in which Sarah Vowell explains why so many pop songs show Santa getting all jiggy.
第二幕，如果这辆雪橇是摇滚乐，就别来敲门，莎拉·沃威尔在其中解释了为什么这么多流行歌曲都表现出圣诞老人的样子。
Act Three, It Takes a Nation of Santas to Hold Us Back, a story of two little boys and a man that they hope at least has some pull with Santa.
第三幕，需要圣诞老人的国家来阻止我们，这是一个关于两个小男孩和一个男人的故事，他们希望这个男人至少对圣诞老人有一些吸引力。
Act Four, Santa in Handcuffs, Prometheus in Chains, in which we are proud to present an all-new story of The Most Fantastic Crimefighter The World Has Ever Known, who single-handedly heads from department store to department store to stop a red and white menace.
第四幕，戴手铐的圣诞老人，镣铐的普罗米修斯，我们很自豪地为大家呈现一个关于世界上最神奇的犯罪斗士的全新故事，他单枪匹马地从一家百货商店走到另一家百货商店，阻止红白相间的威胁。
Act Five, Santa Versus the Easter Bunny, in which writer David Sedaris tries to promote cross-cultural understanding-- so badly needed everywhere these days, my friend-- for the holiday season.
第五幕，圣诞老人与复活节兔子，编剧大卫·塞达里斯试图在节日期间促进跨文化理解——我的朋友，现在各地都非常需要这种理解。
Stay with us.
留在我们身边。
Act One, The Red Velvet Underground.
第一幕，地下红丝绒。
We begin our program today with a story with the most idealistic possible vision of Santa and a quest for something lost about Santa.
我们今天的节目以一个故事开始，这个故事讲述了圣诞老人最理想的愿景，以及对圣诞老人失落的追寻。
From Mike Paterniti.
来自迈克·帕特尼蒂。
I guess I'd somehow become OK with the death of everything, the death of faith, honor, idealism.
我想我会以某种方式接受一切的死亡，信仰、荣誉、理想主义的死亡。
I thrived in the country club of the death of everything until a newspaper headline caught my eye, "Santa Faces the Sack." Bloomingdale's in Manhattan had fired its store Santa, and Macy's was adopting an interactive North Pole.
我在万物死亡的乡村俱乐部里茁壮成长，直到报纸的标题引起了我的注意：“圣诞老人面临解雇”。曼哈顿的布鲁明戴尔百货公司 (Bloomingdale's) 解雇了圣诞老人商店，而梅西百货 (Macy's) 则采用了互动式北极点。
Santa Claus was on the verge of extinction.
圣诞老人正处于灭绝的边缘。
I got thinking about that, and, I don't know, something in me kind of snapped.
我开始思考这个问题，我不知道，我内心的某些东西突然崩溃了。
I can't recall the exact Christmas I parted ways with Santa, nor am I sure how I lost him.
我记不起我与圣诞老人分别的确切圣诞节时间，也不知道我是如何失去他的。
As a kid and as the oldest of four brothers, I believed in Santa Claus way past the point of healthy.
作为一个孩子，作为四兄弟中最年长的一个，我对圣诞老人的相信远远超过了健康的程度。
I was a fanatic.
我是一个狂热分子。
At the slightest provocation, I'd defend Santa's honor with a flurry of punches against any nay-saying elementary school punk.
只要受到最轻微的挑衅，我就会对任何唱反调的小学朋克发起一连串的拳击，以捍卫圣诞老人的荣誉。
My fervor was pure and scary.
我的热情纯粹而可怕。
I remembered that feeling now.
我现在还记得那种感觉。
And I knew one thing, I wanted it back.
我知道一件事，我想要回它。
It's a couple weeks before Christmas.
距离圣诞节还有几周。
One minute, I'm futzing with recyclables, living what constitutes a basically normal life.
有一分钟，我还在摆弄可回收物，过着基本正常的生活。
And the next, a plain brown package arrives at the door, a little gift I've sent myself, something I'm not sure I want the neighbors to know about.
接下来，一个普通的棕色包裹到达门口，这是我自己送的小礼物，我不确定是否想让邻居知道。
I'm 33 years old, and I bought myself a Santa suit.
我33岁了，我给自己买了一套圣诞老人套装。
It's a strange moment unwrapping that box, cardboard and paper giving way to rich, red cloth and oodles of white wig hair.
打开盒子的那一刻是一个奇怪的时刻，纸板和纸张被华丽的红色布料和大量的白色假发所取代。
It stirs a feeling.
它激起了一种感觉。
You really can't explain something like this to the people in your life.
你真的无法向你生活中的人解释这样的事情。
What?
什么？
You're going to infiltrate the Santa underworld as Santa yourself in the name of proving he exists?
你要以圣诞老人的身份潜入圣诞老人的地下世界，以证明他的存在吗？
So you don't explain.
那你就不解释了。
Here's what you do.
这就是你要做的。
You stick that Santa suit in your garment bag and go.
你把圣诞老人的衣服放进你的服装袋里然后就出发了。
You let momentum take your body, rocket it from a tarmac, hurtle it through space like a satellite, and land it on another planet, changed, a place that looks a lot like the Pole itself.
你让动量带动你的身体，将它从停机坪上发射出去，像卫星一样穿过太空，然后降落在另一个星球上，改变了，一个看起来很像极地本身的地方。
It's Minnesota actually, but close enough.
实际上是明尼苏达州，但足够接近。
The night before my first appearance as Claus, I take my Santa suit from the garment bag.
在我第一次扮演圣诞老人的前一天晚上，我从服装袋里拿出了我的圣诞老人套装。
It's a deluxe model with luxurious, deep red velvet, faux fox fur trim, blacks spats to wear over my boots, and Santa glasses with little, square, plastic lenses.
这是一款豪华款式，配有奢华的深红色天鹅绒、人造狐皮镶边、可穿在靴子上的黑色靴子，以及带有小方形塑料镜片的圣诞老人眼镜。
To beef up my belly, there is a big cushion like a catcher's protector.
为了增强我的腹部，有一个像捕手保护器一样的大垫子。
Christmas in America means a trip to the mall.
在美国，圣诞节意味着去商场购物。
And tomorrow, I'll show up at the biggest one I could find, the mall of malls, the Mall of America.
明天，我将出现在我能找到的最大的购物中心——美国购物中心。
I've already been given a crash course in Santa 101 by the mall star Santa.
商场明星圣诞老人已经给我上了圣诞老人 101 的速成班。
But it doesn't matter.
但没关系。
I fall asleep with pangs of doubt.
我带着怀疑的痛苦睡着了。
Do I have what it takes?
我有能力吗？
And what the hell does it take?
这到底需要什么？
Morning comes.
早晨来临了。
An inauspicious start.
一个不吉祥的开始。
The costume is hot and itchy, especially the wig and the beard.
服装又热又痒，尤其是假发和胡须。
And until you're Santa, you never know little things about yourself, like I'm a real peripheral vision guy.
在你成为圣诞老人之前，你永远不会了解自己的一些小事，就像我是一个真正的余光人一样。
I like to know who's coming at me with a blackjack.
我想知道谁拿着二十一点向我走来。
Also, I enjoy oxygen.
另外，我喜欢氧气。
Trapped in all that synthetic filament, I find myself gasping for air.
我发现自己被困在所有的合成纤维中，大口喘气。
Finally, and perhaps most damning, I don't like being the center of attention at all.
最后，也许是最可恶的，我根本不喜欢成为关注的焦点。
I mumble at people, unreeling halfhearted ho, ho, hos.
我对人们咕哝着，半心半意地呼、呼、呼。
Attempting something more theatrical, I lift my hand and wave mechanically.
为了尝试更戏剧化的动作，我举起手机械地挥手。
"Maaa-reee Chrees-maas, everyone." It comes out as if I were just off the boat from Transylvania.
“大家好，Maaa-reee Chrees-maas。”看起来就像我刚从特兰西瓦尼亚下船一样。
Moving on, I spy a group of older kids, maybe 12-year-olds, wearing baggy jeans pulled low, delinquent skateboard nihilist types.
继续往前走，我发现了一群年龄较大的孩子，也许是 12 岁，穿着拉低的宽松牛仔裤，是滑板虚无主义的不良类型。
My first impulse is to try to slip by them, make it seem as if I'm window shopping.
我的第一反应是试图忽略它们，让自己看起来像是在逛街。
But of course, I'm not.
但当然，我不是。
The fact that they're looking at me requires a response.
他们看着我这一事实需要我做出回应。
But before I've thought it through, I actually hear myself addressing their leader.
但在我想清楚之前，我实际上听到自己在向他们的领导讲话。
"What's up, cuz?" Someone giggles.
“怎么了，因为？”有人咯咯笑。
Everyone else starts backing away.
其他人都开始后退。
A sober and depressing thought occurs to me.
我产生了一个清醒而沮丧的想法。
I make a sucky Santa.
我做了一个糟糕的圣诞老人。
Even if I have been a disservice to Christmas, my failure drives me forth.
即使我对圣诞节造成了伤害，我的失败也会驱使我继续前进。
Out of curiosity and secret shame, out of righteousness and mad purpose, I take to the sky in the spirit of Claus and make house calls.
出于好奇和秘密的羞耻，出于正义和疯狂的目的，我本着克劳斯的精神飞向天空并进行家访。
In New York, I ride a bus along Fifth Avenue with 50 volunteer street corner Kringles on our way to a Santa parade.
在纽约，我乘坐公共汽车沿着第五大道，在街角 Kringles 的 50 个志愿者的陪伴下前往圣诞老人游行。
"You got to get down with the people," one of them, a man named Socrates, tells me.
“你必须与人民相处，”其中一位名叫苏格拉底的人告诉我。
"You got to jing-a-ling for the cha-ching."
“你必须唱叮当铃才能喝茶经。”
In California, I lay a wreath on the grave of the great Jewish Santa, Herman Epstein.
在加利福尼亚州，我向伟大的犹太圣诞老人赫尔曼·爱泼斯坦的坟墓敬献了花圈。
He would eat his latkes and matzah balls and then suit up as Big Red to visit sick kids at a local hospital.
他会吃掉马铃薯饼和无酵饼，然后打扮成大红人去当地医院看望生病的孩子。
He did it for 50 years.
他这样做了50年。
And then in Redmond, Washington, I go to Microsoft headquarters dressed as Santa just to see.
然后，在华盛顿州雷德蒙德，我打扮成圣诞老人前往微软总部，只是为了看看。
I camp myself on a corner, and a Mercedes sedan pulls up.
我在街角扎营，一辆奔驰轿车停了下来。
A middle-aged man leaps out, piping mad.
一名中年男子从里面跳了出来，气势汹汹。
He's a Microsoft public relations person.
他是微软公关人员。
He points at me, Santa, and sputters, "I am god damn sick of your guerrilla tactics," as if life at Microsoft is a constant parade of angry trolls and elves.
他指着我，圣诞老人，语无伦次地说，“我真他妈厌倦了你的游击战术”，仿佛微软的生活就是一场愤怒的巨魔和精灵的持续游行。
I have a friend in Los Angeles named David Punch.
我在洛杉矶有一个朋友，名叫大卫·庞奇。
And when he hears what I'm up to, he decides to join me.
当他听说我在做什么时，他决定加入我。
He instantly comes up with a green felt elf costume with impressive knee-high candy cane socks and a cap that makes him look a bit like a Danish sous chef.
他立即想出了一套绿色毛毡精灵服装，搭配令人印象深刻的及膝拐杖袜和一顶帽子，让他看起来有点像丹麦副主厨。
He's an unusual elf at six foot, three inches, but he too wants to believe.
他身高六英尺三英寸，是一个不寻常的精灵，但他也愿意相信。
Santa christens him Fancy, and we take to the streets with no particular plan.
圣诞老人给他起了个名字“Fancy”，我们就上街了，没有什么特别的计划。
We get in a rental car and track the planes to LAX at sunset, then decide to meet and greet the hordes as they arrive from Asia and Africa.
我们租了一辆汽车，在日落时追踪飞往洛杉矶国际机场的飞机，然后决定在这群从亚洲和非洲抵达的人潮中迎接他们。
Even if Santa is in decline here in America, he's still big-time abroad and growing in places where you would least expect it.
即使圣诞老人在美国的地位正在下降，但他在国外仍然很受欢迎，并且在你最意想不到的地方成长。
In baggage claim, I'm received like a celebrity.
在提取行李时，我受到了名人般的接待。
A flight from Taiwan, they pat my stomach wide-eyed, and so I share a good belly laugh with them.
从台湾飞来的时候，他们睁大眼睛拍拍我的肚子，所以我和他们一起捧腹大笑。
A flight from Egypt, they want to touch my impressive beard.
从埃及飞来的航班，他们想摸摸我令人印象深刻的胡子。
A flight from Sierra Leone, they want pictures with their extended families.
从塞拉利昂起飞的航班上，他们想与家人合影。
When I wander outside, a cab driver pulls over and rolls down his window.
当我在外面闲逛时，一名出租车司机把车停在路边，摇下车窗。
"Hello, my friend Mr. Claus," he says, gesturing for me to come over.
“你好，我的朋友克劳斯先生，”他一边说，一边示意我过来。
"Hello, yes, you are American?" I tell him, "Yes.
“你好，是的，你是美国人吗？”我告诉他：“是的。
But, ho, ho, ho.
但是，嗬，嗬，嗬。
I'm also a citizen of all nations.
我也是所有国家的公民。
And I live at the North Pole." "Yes, a citizen," he says.
我住在北极。” “是的，一个公民，”他说。
But he is oddly intense and emotional.
但他却异常强烈且情绪化。
And though he knows I'm not looking for a ride, he has pulled his banged-up car on the curb to-- to what?
尽管他知道我不是在搭便车，但他还是把他那辆破烂的车拉到了路边——去做什么？
Say hello to Santa Claus?
向圣诞老人打个招呼吗？
Yesterday, I was a refugee from Afghanistan.
昨天，我是来自阿富汗的难民。
And today, I am a citizen too.
今天，我也是公民。
He reaches into his glove compartment and pulls out a fresh envelope.
他把手伸进手套箱，拿出一个新信封。
"My papers, Mr. Claus.
“我的文件，克劳斯先生。
I'm an American like you." He smiles, eyes watering and grabs my hand.
我和你一样是美国人。”他微笑着，眼睛流着泪，抓住了我的手。
"Merry Christmas, Mr. Claus," he says.
“圣诞快乐，克劳斯先生，”他说。
And then suddenly, he's gone, two more taillights lost in the sea of traffic.
然后突然间，他消失了，另外两个尾灯消失在车流的海洋中。
Fancy and I hit the road, headed east toward Vegas into the desert, driving with several bag lunches because Santa's appetite has become insatiable.
我和范西上路，向东前往维加斯，进入沙漠，带着几袋午餐开车，因为圣诞老人的胃口已经无法满足。
Gassing up in Barstow, I chat with a nice fellow in a cowboy hat at the self-serve, quiz him about the local color in these high desert parts.
在巴斯托喝完酒后，我在自助服务台上与一位戴着牛仔帽的好人聊天，向他询问了这些高地沙漠地区的当地色彩。
"You like drinking?" "There are really only bars in Barstow," he says, "and I don't recommend them unless you feel like getting beat up." Still, there's something about the look of this place, the weird metallic taste of it in the air, the dead-endedness of it.
“你喜欢喝酒吗？” “巴斯托真的只有酒吧，”他说，“我不推荐它们，除非你想挨打。”尽管如此，这个地方的外观、空气中奇怪的金属味道、它的死胡同还是有一些东西。
So we take a drive around, me in my red cap, Fancy in his pointy hat, and happen upon a four-corner with a cement structure and neon beer signs lit in the windows, one of those promised rough and tumble bars of Barstow.
于是我们开车兜了一圈，我戴着红色帽子，花式戴着他的尖顶帽子，偶然发现了一个四角的水泥结构建筑，窗户上亮着霓虹灯啤酒招牌，这是巴斯托承诺的粗糙和翻滚酒吧之一。
It's a bleak, Santa-less place.
这是一个荒凉、没有圣诞老人的地方。
Inside are a couple of pool tables, a dartboard, and a long row of weathered-looking, tattooed human beings, still parched after guzzling an afternoon's worth of drinks.
里面有几张台球桌、一个飞镖靶，还有一长排看上去饱经风霜、身上有纹身的人，他们喝了一下午的酒后仍然口干舌燥。
As Santa bellies up to the bar, everyone stares, including the bartender, who says, "What do you need?" "I'll have what he's having," Santa says, pointing to the first broken-down hombre to his left, "and he'll have another." Suddenly, everybody wants something, tequila or whiskey shots, a pack of cigarettes, and Santa flutters more bills at the bartender.
当圣诞老人大腹便便地走到酒吧时，每个人都盯着看，包括调酒师，他说：“你需要什么？” “我会得到他所拥有的，”圣诞老人指着他左边第一个破烂的男人说道，“他也会有另一个。”突然间，每个人都想要一些东西，龙舌兰酒或威士忌，一包香烟，圣诞老人向调酒师扔了更多的钞票。
"There's nothing rough-and-tumble about it at all," thinks Santa.
“这根本没有什么麻烦，”圣诞老人想。
But just as that thought arrives, a voice slurs over Santa's left shoulder.
但就在这个念头浮现时，圣诞老人的左肩上传来了一个含糊不清的声音。
"Who the [BLEEP] are you?" When I turn around, I'm standing nose to nose with a man wearing a camouflage jacket.
“你这个[BLEEP]是谁？”当我转身时，我正和一个穿着迷彩服的男人面对面站着。
Long, stringy hair falls from his baseball cap.
长长的头发从他的棒球帽上垂下来。
His knuckles are dirty and scabbed.
他的指关节又脏又结痂。
His breath smells of mash and lighter fluid.
他的呼吸充满了麦芽浆和打火机液体的味道。
His smile is lopsided, not friendly, but menacing.
他的笑容是一边倒的，不友善，反而充满威胁。
"Who the holy freaking [BLEEP] are you?" He says again.
“你到底是谁？”他又说了一遍。
It's a fair question, one that maybe should have occurred to me before now, before I came in here looking as I look, in red coat and fake, hoary beard.
这是一个公平的问题，或许在我进来之前，在我穿着红色外套、留着假白胡子之前就应该想到这个问题。
Or, for that matter, before barnstorming the country in search of something that is nearly impossible to explain and perhaps more impossible to find, but boils down to a simple belief in, well, Santa.
或者，就此而言，在全国各地进行巡回演讲之前，寻找一些几乎无法解释，甚至更不可能找到的东西，但归结为对圣诞老人的简单信仰。
But then there doesn't seem to be a lot of him here at the booze-hole.
但酒馆里的他似乎并不多。
My answer is automatic and uncensored.
我的回答是自动且未经审查的。
"I'm Santa Claus," I say, "and who the [BLEEP] are you?"
“我是圣诞老人，”我说，“你是谁？”
There is stunned silence at the bar until somebody snorts.
酒吧里一片寂静，直到有人哼了一声。
Someone else guffaws.
还有人哈哈大笑。
And then, like a wave crashing and unfurling along a shoreline, there's hooting, and hollering, and laughing that passes down the length of the entire bar.
然后，就像海浪沿着海岸线拍打并展开一样，叫喊声、叫喊声和笑声传遍了整个酒吧。
"You hear that, boys?
“你们听到了吗，孩子们？
Santa's about to rip Billy a new [BLEEP] hole." The distraction confuses my new friend.
圣诞老人即将在比利身上撕出一个新的[BLEEP]洞。”这种分心让我的新朋友感到困惑。
"His name's Billy Budd, and he ain't going to touch you," says a kind-looking man with a Van Dyke and a cigarette who has abruptly stepped between us.
“他的名字叫比利·巴德，他不会碰你的，”一个拿着范戴克香烟、抽着烟的、看上去和善的男人突然走到我们中间说道。
"Because if he does, I'm going to run his head through that window, right Billy?" "Oh yeah, Donald," Billy says with a sudden smile.
“因为如果他这么做了，我就会把他的头从窗户里探出去，对吧比利？” “哦，是的，唐纳德，”比利突然微笑着说道。
Billy Budd is drunk and perhaps just bipolar enough to immediately forget that we were in the middle of a conversation full of passion and unanswered queries.
比利·巴德喝醉了，也许只是躁郁症，以至于立即忘记了我们正在进行一场充满激情和未得到解答的问题的谈话。
And now we're suddenly chatting, Billy, Donald, and I.
现在我们突然开始聊天了，比利、唐纳德和我。
They're both homeless.
他们俩都无家可归。
Billy Budd counts himself as an anarchist.
比利·巴德认为自己是一个无政府主义者。
And they sell crystals.
他们还卖水晶。
I buy them a couple beers.
我给他们买了几瓶啤酒。
And in return, they give me a crystal, a special Brazilian one with amazing properties meant to protect me against evil and bring light into my world.
作为回报，他们给了我一块水晶，一种特殊的巴西水晶，具有惊人的特性，旨在保护我免受邪恶侵害并为我的世界带来光明。
When I insist on paying for it, Billy Budd says, "Your money's no good with us, man.
当我坚持要付钱时，比利·巴德说：“你的钱对我们没有好处，伙计。
When you're with us, you're a brother." It's Santa's first gift.
当你和我们在一起时，你就是我们的兄弟。”这是圣诞老人的第一份礼物。
"What do you want for Christmas?" I say to Billy Budd.
“圣诞节你想要什么？”我对比利·巴德说。
We're standing nose to nose again.
我们又面对面站在一起了。
It seems that's the way Billy Budd likes it.
看来比利·巴德就喜欢这样。
"If I tell you, are you going to give it to me?" "Yeah, I am.
“如果我告诉你，你愿意给我吗？” “是的，我是。
I'm Santa Claus, right?" "Anything?" "Anything at all." He ponders, begins to speak, stops.
我是圣诞老人，对吗？” “任何事物？” “什么都可以。”他沉思，开始说话，又停了下来。
"Yeah, I reckon we could use a few cases of Natural Ice."
“是的，我想我们可以使用几箱天然冰。”
So I go with them and another one of their friends-- a man who looks just like Santa too, but without the outfit-- to buy beer.
所以我和他们以及他们的另一个朋友一起去买啤酒，这个朋友看起来也很像圣诞老人，但没有圣诞老人的衣服。
Afterward, we drive up to their encampment on a ridge north of town, just some sleeping bags and empty beer cans and the embers of a fire flickering in the desert, somewhere that seems utterly nowhere.
之后，我们驱车前往他们在城镇北部山脊上的营地，只有一些睡袋和空啤酒罐，以及沙漠中闪烁的火焰余烬，某个地方似乎完全不存在。
Billy Budd presses a can into my hand.
比利·巴德把一个罐头塞到我手里。
"Here you go, Santa." Together, we drink.
“给你，圣诞老人。”我们一起喝酒。
The air is cold, and the sky is spackled with stars, the brightest at the highest point above our heads.
空气很冷，天空布满星星，其中在我们头顶的最高点最亮。
The beer tastes salty and good going down.
啤酒味道偏咸，喝下去很舒服。
And when Donald offers me a cigarette, I take it, though I don't normally smoke.
当唐纳德递给我一支烟时，我会接受，尽管我通常不抽烟。
When I go to light up, I nearly set my beard on fire.
当我去点灯的时候，我差点把胡子烧着了。
We talk about everything, about America, its prettiest spots, its most lowdown.
我们谈论一切，关于美国，它最美丽的地方，它最卑微的地方。
We talk about home, where it is, why we're not there right now.
我们谈论家，它在哪里，为什么我们现在不在那里。
These men, dressed in dirty jeans and jackets, slugging Natural Ice, open up to Santa.
这些男人穿着肮脏的牛仔裤和夹克，猛击天然冰块，向圣诞老人敞开心扉。
Not to me, but to Santa.
不是对我，而是对圣诞老人。
They're good people who have drawn a hard lot and then somehow have been dismissed, driven out of America to live at its forgotten edges.
他们都是好人，经历了艰苦的抽签，然后不知何故被解雇，被赶出美国，生活在被遗忘的边缘。
Not that they see it that way.
但他们并不这么认为。
No, the amazing thing is that they're standing here with pockets full of crystals.
不，令人惊奇的是他们站在这里，口袋里装满了水晶。
They gave Santa his first gift.
他们给了圣诞老人他的第一份礼物。
And now Donald is talking about God and how Christmas will probably be spent right here on this patch of sand.
现在唐纳德正在谈论上帝，以及如何在这片沙滩上度过圣诞节。
And it will be the holiest, most rollicking beer-swilling day of celebration they can put on.
这将是他们能举办的最神圣、最热闹的啤酒庆祝日。
Billy Budd says, he's going to cook a turkey with stuffing.
比利·巴德说，他要煮一只带馅的火鸡。
And Donald smiles at him and says, they'll give thanks to the Lord for their freedom, for all of this.
唐纳德对他微笑说，他们会感谢上帝赐予他们自由和这一切。
Then he points up at the sky, to the North Star.
然后他指着天空，指着北极星。
"I know it don't seem like it," says Billy Budd, "but we're looking for the answers too."
“我知道这看起来不像，”比利·巴德说，“但我们也在寻找答案。”
Christmas Eve, a mall somewhere in the middle of America.
平安夜，美国中部某处的一个购物中心。
A grown man dressed in a red hat, and red jacket, and red pants with white fur trim.
一个成年男子戴着红色帽子，穿着红色夹克和带有白色毛皮镶边的红色裤子。
It seems he's worn his Santa robes for so long they've become comfortable.
看来他穿圣诞老人长袍已经太久了，已经变得很舒服了。
And the beard, it almost feels natural.
还有胡子，感觉几乎是自然的。
He keeps a Brazilian crystal in his pocket.
他的口袋里有一块巴西水晶。
He catches a reflection of himself in a store window.
他在商店橱窗里看到了自己的倒影。
Santa.
圣诞老人。
The people here come fast and furious.
这里的人们来得又快又猛。
An old woman reaching out for his hand now.
现在，一位老妇人伸出手来握住他的手。
A teenage punk strung out on something saying, "Hey, Santa, don't forget me.
一个十几岁的朋克在说着什么，“嘿，圣诞老人，不要忘记我。
OK?" A Jamaican man calls him "Papa Noel," and tells him he needs his wife back for Christmas.
好吗？”一名牙买加男子称他为“诺埃尔爸爸”，并告诉他圣诞节需要他的妻子回来。
They come in all ages.
他们来自各个年龄段。
They come to touch him, or stand nearby, or flash a picture, to confess or ask a kindness, to make it real.
他们来触摸他，或者站在他身边，或者闪出一张照片，来忏悔或请求善意，让这一切成为现实。
Every time he thinks he might feel tired, after all the hard work of bringing Christmas to the world, he feels energized.
每当他认为自己可能感到疲倦时，在为世界带来圣诞节的辛勤工作之后，他就会感到精力充沛。
Somewhere near the mall fountain, just beyond the food court, humanity parts in a light-filled glade.
在购物中心喷泉附近的某个地方，就在美食广场的外面，人类在一片光线充足的空地中分开。
And there are two twin brothers, clutching hands, wearing the same blue corduroy overalls, pointing at Santa in complete shock and awe.
还有两个双胞胎兄弟，手握着手，穿着同样的蓝色灯芯绒工作服，震惊而敬畏地指着圣诞老人。
They don't know whether to run for him or run far, far away.
他们不知道是该为他而逃，还是逃得远远的。
But then it doesn't take much.
但那并不需要太多。
Santa comes down on one knee and opens his arms.
圣诞老人单膝跪下，张开双臂。
And the two boys break into huge toothless grins and bust into a sprint, just leap right into Santa's arms simultaneously, one in either arm.
两个男孩咧嘴一笑，没有牙齿，然后全速冲刺，同时跳进圣诞老人的怀里，一只手臂各一个。
Sometimes people wonder what it's like to be Santa, if it gets heavy carrying kids like that.
有时人们想知道当圣诞老人会是什么样子，如果带着这样的孩子会很辛苦。
But I'm here to tell you, you never felt something so light.
但我在这里告诉你，你从来没有感觉到如此轻松。
Like birds when they lift off the ground, they don't weigh anything at all.
就像鸟儿离开地面时一样，它们根本没有重量。
Mike Paterniti lives in Portland, Maine.
迈克·帕特尼蒂住在缅因州波特兰。
A version of this story has appeared in Esquire magazine.
这个故事的一个版本出现在《Esquire》杂志上。
[MUSIC - "WILL SANTA COME TO SHANTY TOWN?" BY EDDY ARNOLD]
[音乐-“圣诞老人会来到棚户区吗？”作者：艾迪·阿诺德]
Act Two, If This Sleigh is A-Rockin', Don't Come A-Knockin'.
第二幕，如果这辆雪橇很摇滚，就不要来敲门。
When the poem says that Saint Nick has a little, round belly that shook when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly, for most of us, that is about as real as we want to get when it comes to Santa getting all physical.
当这首诗说圣尼克有一个圆圆的小肚子，当他笑起来像一碗装满果冻的东西时，肚子会摇晃，对于我们大多数人来说，这就是我们在圣诞老人全身心投入时想要得到的真实感受。
But the makers of popular music do not respect this simple boundary.
但流行音乐的制作者并不尊重这个简单的界限。
No, no, no. And in today's program, as we try to understand all the various sides of Santa, Sarah Vowell decided to explain this one.
不，不，不。在今天的节目中，当我们试图了解圣诞老人的各个方面时，莎拉·沃威尔决定解释这一点。
Even as a child, I loved Christmas songs almost as much as Christmas itself.
当我还是个孩子的时候，我就喜欢圣诞歌曲，就像喜欢圣诞节本身一样。
I loved their arcane language, "round yon virgin," "feast of Stephen," verbs like "hark" and "deck." But there was one Christmas song I couldn't stand, "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus." That one made me nervous.
我喜欢他们神秘的语言，“round yon virgin”、“Stephen 的盛宴”，以及“hark”和“deck”等动词。但有一首圣诞歌曲我无法忍受，“我看到妈妈亲吻圣诞老人。”那个让我紧张。
And it made me suspicious of Santa's good intentions.
这让我怀疑圣诞老人的善意。
I thought, if he went after someone else's mother, mine might be next.
我想，如果他去追别人的母亲，我的母亲可能就是下一个。
Yeah, what a laugh.
是啊，笑得多开心啊。
My poor, unsuspecting father, the man who went to all that trouble setting out the milk and cookies, catches mom in the act with Father Christmas?
我可怜的、毫无戒心的父亲，那个费了九牛二虎之力准备牛奶和饼干的人，竟然发现了妈妈和圣诞老人在一起的行为？
What happens then?
然后会发生什么？
She ditches us, runs off to the North Pole, and my sister and I are latch key kids by New Year's Eve.
她抛弃了我们，跑到了北极，到了新年前夜，我和姐姐就成了挂钥匙的孩子了。
I was probably 21 before I figured out that the smoocher in that song was supposed to be the dad.
在我意识到那首歌中的亲吻者应该是父亲之前，我大概是 21 岁。
But still, "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" is just one of the many gossipy, musical reports about that sexpot Saint Nick.
但尽管如此，《我看到妈妈亲吻圣诞老人》只是关于性感圣尼克的众多八卦、音乐报道之一。
A sweep through the Santa song catalog corroborates my childhood suspicion that Santa is not just a friend to children, he is a ladies' man.
翻阅圣诞老人歌曲目录证实了我童年的怀疑：圣诞老人不仅是孩子们的朋友，他还是一位女士们的男人。
December 1976 was Elvis Presley's final holiday season, but it was my first with his Christmas record.
1976 年 12 月是猫王埃尔维斯·普雷斯利 (Elvis Presley) 的最后一个节日季，但这是我第一次录制他的圣诞唱片。
And this became my favorite Christmas song, "Santa Claus Is Back In Town."
这成为我最喜欢的圣诞歌曲“圣诞老人回到城里”。
[SINGING] Got no sleigh with reindeer, no sack on my back, you want to see me coming in a big, black Cadillac.
[唱歌]没有驯鹿雪橇，我背上没有麻袋，你想看到我开着一辆黑色的大凯迪拉克来。
Oh, it's Christmas time, pretty baby.
哦，圣诞节到了，漂亮的宝贝。
I hear that song now, and I can not believe my parents gave me this as a gift on Jesus's birthday.
我现在听到这首歌，我不敢相信我的父母在耶稣生日那天把这首歌送给了我作为礼物。
It is filthy, which you could expect from a home wrecker like Santa.
它很脏，就像圣诞老人这样的家庭破坏者一样。
Listen to this part.
听听这部分。
[SINGING] Hang up your pretty stockings, turn off the light, Santa Claus is coming down your chimney tonight.
[唱歌]挂上你漂亮的袜子，关掉灯，圣诞老人今晚将从你的烟囱下来。
Oh, it's Christmas time, little baby.
哦，圣诞节到了，小宝贝。
You think that's dirty?
你觉得那很脏吗？
Get a load of Clarence Carter's song "Back Door Santa," and you'll know why Santa goes around saying, ho, ho, ho.
听一听克拉伦斯·卡特的歌曲“后门圣诞老人”，你就会知道为什么圣诞老人到处说“嗬，嗬，嗬”。
Because he is a ho.
因为他是豪。
He's less interested in little children than in their mothers.
他对小孩子的兴趣不如对他们母亲的兴趣。
[SINGING] I keep some change in my pocket in case the children at home.
[唱歌]我口袋里放了一些零钱，以防孩子们在家。
I give 'em a few pennies, so that we can be alone.
我给他们几分钱，这样我们就可以独处了。
I leave the back door open so if anybody smells a mouse.
我把后门开着，这样如果有人闻到老鼠的味道。
And wouldn't old Santa be in trouble if there ain't no chimney in the house?
如果房子里没有烟囱，老圣诞老人不会有麻烦吗？
They call me back door Santa.
他们叫我后门圣诞老人。
I make my runs about the break of day.
我天一亮就开始跑步。
Looky here.
看这里。
I make all the little girls happy while the boys are out to play.
当男孩们出去玩的时候，我让所有的小女孩都开心。
This is what happens when pop music and Christmas collide.
这就是流行音乐和圣诞节碰撞时所发生的事情。
The project of Christmas, to celebrate the birth of a messiah who will die to save our souls, is at odds with the project of pop music.
圣诞节的计划是为了庆祝弥赛亚的诞生，他将为拯救我们的灵魂而死，这与流行音乐的计划是不一致的。
The project of pop music is love, specifically, romantic love and not the for-God-so-loved-the-world kind.
流行音乐的目标是爱，特别是浪漫的爱，而不是上帝如此爱世人的那种爱。
If a pop musician is going to perform a Christmas song, he or she doesn't have that much to work with from a let's do it point of view.
如果一位流行音乐家要表演一首圣诞歌曲，从“让我们开始吧”的角度来看，他或她没有太多可以合作的地方。
There's the infant Jesus in swaddling clothes.
这是襁褓中的婴儿耶稣。
There's Bethlehem, that swaddling town.
伯利恒就是那个襁褓中的小镇。
There's Joseph and his wife Mary, a virgin, assorted wise men and animals, and there's Santa Claus.
有约瑟夫和他的妻子玛丽，一个处女，各种各样的智者和动物，还有圣诞老人。
From a getting it on perspective, you can see how the craggy, old, fat man wins by default.
从角度来看，你可以看到这位身材魁梧、又老又胖的男人是如何默认获胜的。
Take Madonna.
以麦当娜为例。
Though most famous for being named after Jesus Christ's mother, Madonna took some time out of her busy missionary schedule to cover this Eartha Kitt classic as a benefit for charity.
虽然麦当娜因以耶稣基督的母亲的名字命名而闻名，但麦当娜从繁忙的传教日程中抽出了一些时间来报道这部 Eartha Kitt 经典作品，作为慈善事业的一项福利。
It is not the babe Jesus she croons to, but the babe magnet, Santa.
她低吟的不是婴儿耶稣，而是婴儿磁石圣诞老人。
[SINGING] Santa baby, slip a sable under the tree for me.
[唱歌]圣诞老人宝贝，帮我把一只黑貂放在树下。
I've been an awful good girl, Santa baby.
我一直是一个非常好的女孩，圣诞老人宝贝。
And hurry down the chimney tonight.
今晚赶紧从烟囱下去。
Santa's job is to fulfill a child's wishes.
圣诞老人的工作就是满足孩子的愿望。
And it makes sense that, as a child grows up, she might wish for something a little steamier than two front teeth.
这是有道理的，随着孩子的成长，她可能会希望拥有比两颗门牙更热一点的东西。
A letter to Santa, then, is a blank page on which the heart writes what the heart wants.
那么，给圣诞老人的信就是一张白纸，上面写着内心想要的东西。
Listen, for example, to that six-foot-tall valentine, RuPaul.
例如，听听那个六英尺高的情人鲁保罗。
[SINGING] I saw daddy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe last night.
[唱歌] 昨晚我看到爸爸在槲寄生下亲吻圣诞老人。
In all these songs, Santa does not live on the North Pole.
在所有这些歌曲中，圣诞老人并不住在北极。
He lives among us.
他住在我们中间。
Santa is us with all our flaws, flaws like lust, infidelity, and all the pleasures of the flesh.
圣诞老人是我们所有的缺点，比如欲望、不忠和所有肉体的快乐等缺点。
Experts no less than Cheech and Chong point out that Mrs. Claus is famous in their neighborhood for her brownies.
奇奇和冲等专家指出，克劳斯夫人在他们的邻居中以布朗尼蛋糕而闻名。
Martin Mull does a song in which Santa is giving up dope.
马丁·马尔创作了一首圣诞老人戒毒的歌曲。
And here's the subtly-titled ditty, "Santa Came Home Drunk."
这是标题巧妙的小曲“圣诞老人喝醉了回家”。
[SINGING] You talk about Santa Claus.
[唱歌]你谈论圣诞老人。
You want to know what he's all about?
你想知道他到底是什么来头吗？
Santa Claus got drunk last night.
圣诞老人昨晚喝醉了。
Everybody tried to throw him out.
每个人都试图把他赶出去。
And I want to tell you, folks, how it all began.
朋友们，我想告诉你们这一切是如何开始的。
Santa stopped at a neighbor's house and started drinking good gin.
圣诞老人在邻居家停下来，开始喝上好的杜松子酒。
At some point in our lives, most of us were at least a little afraid of Santa's judgment, of that list he's checking twice, who's naughty, who's nice.
在我们生命中的某个时刻，我们大多数人至少有点害怕圣诞老人的判断，害怕他检查两次的名单，谁顽皮，谁友善。
What a relief to picture a Santa with all our human frailties, all our sex, and drugs, and rock and roll.
想象一个圣诞老人带着我们所有的人类弱点、我们所有的性、毒品和摇滚乐，真是一种解脱。
A mommy-kissing chimney-comer-downer, bottle-hitting, sugar daddy Christmas.
一个亲妈亲吻烟囱角、击打瓶子、糖爹的圣诞节。
That's a Santa who would do well to remember the words of the birthday boy, Jesus Christ.
这位圣诞老人最好记住生日男孩耶稣基督的话。
"Thus saith the Lord, judge not that ye be not judged." And you know what they say about Jesus, don't you, Santa?
“主如此说，不要审判，免得你们不被审判。”你知道他们怎么说耶稣，不是吗，圣诞老人？
He sees you when you're sleeping.
当你睡觉时他会看到你。
He knows when you're awake.
他知道你什么时候醒来。
He knows when you've been bad or good.
他知道你什么时候是坏的，什么时候是好的。
So be good for goodness sake.
所以，为了善良而善良吧。
[MUSIC - "SANTA CLAUS IS COMIN' TO TOWN" BY THE JACKSON FIVE]
[音乐 - 杰克逊五人组的《圣诞老人即将进城》]
Sarah Vowell lives essentially on the same block-- no kidding-- where Clement Clarke Moore, the author of the poem "'Twas the Night before Christmas," once lived on Manhattan island nearly two centuries ago.
莎拉·沃威尔（Sarah Vowell）基本上住在同一个街区——不是开玩笑——《圣诞节前夜》这首诗的作者克莱门特·克拉克·摩尔（Clement Clarke Moore）在近两个世纪前曾在曼哈顿岛上居住过。
She's a columnist for the online magazine Salon.
她是在线杂志《沙龙》的专栏作家。
Coming up, when is Santa not Santa?
快来吧，圣诞老人什么时候不是圣诞老人？
Another riddle solved in a minute from Public Radio International when our program continues.
当我们的节目继续进行时，国际公共广播电台的另一个谜团在一分钟内就解开了。
It's This American Life.
这就是美国生活。
I'm Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯。
Each week on our program, of course, we choose a theme, invite a variety of different people to tackle that theme.
当然，在我们的节目中，我们每周都会选择一个主题，邀请各种不同的人来解决这个主题。
Today's program, The Angels Wanna Wear My Red Suit, stories about Santa and the many different ways that we see him.
今天的节目《天使想穿我的红色套装》讲述了有关圣诞老人的故事以及我们看待他的多种不同方式。
We have arrived at Act Three of our program.
我们已经到了我们计划的第三幕了。
Act Three, It Takes a Nation of Santas to Hold Us Back.
第三幕，需要圣诞老人的国家来阻止我们。
As we said in the first part of today's program, belief in a Santa who comes down chimneys on Christmas Eve bearing gifts is, at best as anybody can tell, something that began here in America.
正如我们在今天节目的第一部分中所说，相信圣诞老人会在圣诞节前夜带着礼物从烟囱下来，这充其量是从美国开始的。
And so many other variations on what Santa means are also American inventions.
圣诞老人含义的许多其他变体也是美国人的发明。
Riz Rollins tells this story from his boyhood here in Chicago.
里兹·罗林斯讲述了他在芝加哥度过的童年故事。
Rosie only dresses us like this when we're going somewhere really important.
只有当我们要去非常重要的地方时，罗西才会给我们穿这样的衣服。
Even the weekly haul to church doesn't get the matching gray, flannel outfits, the ones that cause everybody to ask whether my brother and I are twins, which we adamantly are not.
即使每周去教堂也没有得到配套的灰色法兰绒服装，这些服装会让每个人都问我和我的兄弟是不是双胞胎，而我们坚决不是双胞胎。
We wear these clothes usually only when we're going downtown.
我们通常只在去市中心时才穿这些衣服。
And we only go downtown when there is a local premiere of a new Disney feature, after which we might lunch at the counter of Woolworth's, co-mingling like immigrants in the new world of de facto integration.
只有当迪士尼新片在当地首映时，我们才会去市中心，之后我们可能会在伍尔沃斯的柜台吃午餐，像移民一样融入到事实上融合的新世界中。
My grandmother works as a laundress in an orphanage in Chicago's North Side and makes the long trip to the city's downtown area daily.
我的祖母在芝加哥北区的一家孤儿院担任洗衣女工，每天都要长途跋涉前往市中心。
But she rarely stops there to visit a shop.
但她很少停下来参观商店。
She prefers to do most of her shopping on the commercial strip that crawls under the elevated train on 63rd Street on the South Side, closer to her home.
她更喜欢在南区 63 街高架列车下的商业地带购物，离她家更近。
It's not just that the goods and services she seeks are less expensive on the South Side.
这不仅仅是因为她寻求的商品和服务在南区更便宜。
In many cases, they aren't.
在很多情况下，事实并非如此。
But commerce there wears a face that closely resembles her own.
但那里的商业面貌与她本人非常相似。
Even now, after living here for over half a century, there is much of the city she has not seen.
即使现在，在这里生活了半个多世纪，她仍然没有见过这座城市的很多地方。
The rules of interracial decorum will never change for her.
跨种族礼仪的规则对她来说永远不会改变。
They are God-made.
他们是上帝创造的。
Each with their own kind, the Bible says.
圣经说，各有其类。
But both my brother and I are sure that the Bible is not the only word of authority in life.
但我和我的兄弟都确信圣经并不是生活中唯一的权威话语。
Today, as my well-dressed brother and I are led through the high stone corridors of this world by Grandma's hand, we never notice the bitter cold.
今天，我和哥哥穿着盛装，在奶奶的手下走过人世间高高的石廊，却丝毫没有注意到严寒。
We are blinded by the lights of Christmas and the season of getting.
我们被圣诞节和收获季节的灯光蒙蔽了双眼。
Grandma Rosie is taking us to meet the man.
罗西奶奶要带我们去见那个男人。
He has made his way from the northern land, perhaps just this day, to receive the supplications and petitions of children who have kept his precepts and awaited his graces.
也许就在这一天，他从北方的土地出发，去接受那些遵守他的戒律、等待他恩典的孩子们的恳求和祈求。
While we have been raised to fear the mysterious grace of God, the grace of the fat man in the red and white suit means more.
虽然我们从小就害怕上帝神秘的恩典，但穿着红白西装的胖子的恩典意味着更多。
Children know Santa keeps residence in one place in every city.
孩子们知道圣诞老人在每个城市都住在一个地方。
In Chicago, his cathedral is in Marshall Field's.
在芝加哥，他的大教堂位于马歇尔菲尔德的大教堂内。
And his holy-of-holies is somewhere on the third floor near the toys.
他的至圣之地就在三楼玩具附近的某个地方。
My brother and I have been here many times before through many years.
我和我的兄弟多年来已经来过这里很多次了。
So imagine our panic as we continue walking past the first entrance of the block-long store.
因此，想象一下当我们继续走过这家长达一个街区的商店的第一个入口时我们的恐慌。
We say nothing, not even to each other.
我们什么也没说，甚至彼此之间也不说话。
Perhaps Rosie is taking us on a shortcut to see the crimson saint.
也许罗茜正在带我们走一条捷径去见见深红圣女。
We maintain silence until we stand at the end of the street beyond the last entrance to Marshall Field's.
我们保持沉默，直到站在马歇尔菲尔德最后一个入口外的街道尽头。
This is our last chance to make our desires plain.
这是我们表达愿望的最后机会。
"I thought you were going to take us to see Santa Claus," I blurt out in desperation.
“我以为你会带我们去见圣诞老人。”我绝望地脱口而出。
My grandmother replies with unbelievable patience considering the stakes of her mistake, "We are, but this year we're going to a different place." My brother and I can not conceive of Santa at a different place, for even we know that there isn't any store downtown or anywhere else that matches the commercial grandeur or Marshall Field's.
考虑到她所犯错误的风险，我的祖母以令人难以置信的耐心回答道：“我们是，但今年我们要去一个不同的地方。”我和我的兄弟无法想象圣诞老人在另一个地方，因为即使我们知道市中心或其他任何地方都没有任何商店可以与马歇尔菲尔德的商业宏伟相媲美。
So where else would Santa want to be?
那么圣诞老人还想去哪里呢？
We pass the various stores along the main downtown shopping strip, disheartened with each passing block.
我们沿着市中心的主要购物区路过各种各样的商店，对每一个路过的街区都感到沮丧。
We bypass Carson's, then Montgomery Ward, then smaller shops and boutiques further away from the expensive deities, closer to the affordable ones.
我们绕过卡森商店，然后是蒙哥马利沃德，然后是小商店和精品店，远离昂贵的神像，靠近实惠的神像。
At this rate, we'll be lucky if we see any elves or reindeer poo.
按照这个速度，如果我们看到任何精灵或驯鹿的粪便，我们就很幸运了。
Finally, we stop at our destination, Sears, Roebuck and Company.
最后，我们在目的地西尔斯罗巴克公司停下来。
This is where Grandma intends us to have an audience with the king of dreams?
这就是奶奶要我们觐见梦王的地方？
We stand shivering with horror at the obvious heresy.
我们站在那里，对这种明显的异端邪说感到恐惧得发抖。
"This is where Santa is this year," Rosie postulates confidently.
“这就是今年圣诞老人所在的地方，”罗西自信地推测道。
She is full of adult authority.
她充满了成人的权威。
And we know that we should take what she says with the same faith as we do all her other gospel.
我们知道，我们应该以同样的信心来接受她所说的话，就像我们接受她所有其他福音一样。
But how can we?
但我们又能怎样呢？
She has never been so obviously mistaken in all the time I've known her.
我认识她以来，她从来没有犯过如此明显的错误。
We enter Sears through two large doors, rather than the perpetually revolving doors of Marshall Field's.
我们通过两扇大门进入西尔斯百货公司，而不是马歇尔菲尔德百货公司的永远旋转门。
We march up a stairwell, rather than ascending by escalator or elevator.
我们走上楼梯间，而不是乘坐自动扶梯或电梯上升。
And towards the back, next to a section of toys that have their source in the pages of Sears catalog, rather than in the frigid magic of the North Pole, sits my grandmother's version of Santa.
在后面，旁边坐着我祖母版本的圣诞老人，这些玩具的来源来自西尔斯目录的页面，而不是来自北极的寒冷魔力。
His throne is not raised like the throne of the Santa we have come to believe in.
他的宝座并不像我们所相信的圣诞老人的宝座那样高起。
It's mundane and accessible.
它很平凡，而且很容易接近。
There is no line of acolytes waiting to petition Santa.
没有等待向圣诞老人请愿的侍奉者。
There's no promise, or grandeur, or terror.
没有希望，没有宏伟，也没有恐怖。
In fact, it is as plain to me as the nose on my face that the man in loose-fitting, red and white uniform is the biggest impostor that I've ever had the chance to lay eyes on.
事实上，就像我脸上的鼻子一样，这个穿着宽松的红白制服的男人是我有机会亲眼见过的最大的骗子。
For the man underneath the fake, silver beard is black like me.
对于假货下面的人来说，银胡子和我一样是黑色的。
My grandmother had not prepared us to expect this change in Santa's ethnicity.
我的祖母没有让我们做好准备去期待圣诞老人种族的这种变化。
Most likely, she was trying to provide a vision of goodness that resembled us.
最有可能的是，她试图提供一种与我们相似的善良愿景。
Maybe she was secretly tired of relying on the white Jesus, watching her children gyrate to their white Elvis, losing sleep waiting for white Santa.
Maybe she was secretly tired of relying on the white Jesus, watching her children gyrate to their white Elvis, losing sleep waiting for white Santa.
But what she did not know was that until that day I hadn't noticed any difference between black and white people.
但她不知道的是，直到那天我才注意到黑人和白人之间有什么区别。
I'm sure that we had seen white people before, but usually from afar.
我确信我们以前见过白人，但通常是从远处看到的。
Santa was the only white man we had a personal relationship with.
圣诞老人是我们唯一有私人关系的白人。
That day, my brother and I silently agreed to let the ruse continue.
那天，我和哥哥默默同意让这个诡计继续下去。
I remember half-hoping even if this man wasn't Santa that perhaps he had connections to someone who might know Santa.
我记得即使这个人不是圣诞老人，我也有半点希望，也许他与可能认识圣诞老人的人有联系。
But unknown to me, or my brother, or Grandma Rosie, was the fact that now the lid was off the box that held the knots and confusions I'd wrestle with for the next 20 years.
But unknown to me, or my brother, or Grandma Rosie, was the fact that now the lid was off the box that held the knots and confusions I'd wrestle with for the next 20 years.
Nothing would be safe from doubt, no benevolence, sincerity, or article of faith.
没有什么是可以避免怀疑的，没有仁慈、真诚或信仰。
For the first time, I saw things are not what they appear.
我第一次看到事情并不像看上去那样。
And I thus began to search for the little lies behind every truth.
于是我开始寻找每一个真相背后的小谎言。
And I learned that every gift is purchased with sweat, and tears, and sacrifice.
我了解到，每一份礼物都是用汗水、泪水和牺牲换来的。
Riz Rollins is a DJ and writer in Seattle.
里兹·罗林斯 (Riz Rollins) 是西雅图的一名 DJ 和作家。
Act Four, Santa in Handcuffs, Prometheus in Chains.
第四幕，戴手铐的圣诞老人，戴锁链的普罗米修斯。
What if someone actually did patrol the department store Santas for the forces of good?
如果有人真的为了正义的力量在百货商店圣诞老人巡逻呢？
You know what?
你知道吗？
We do not even need to speculate about what would happen.
我们甚至不需要猜测会发生什么。
Because right now, right at this moment, we can bring you a brand new episode of a very old radio serial that answers this very question.
因为现在，就在此时，我们可以为您带来一部非常古老的广播连续剧的全新剧集，来回答这个问题。
And now another exciting episode in the life of The Most Fantastic Crimefighter The World Has Ever Known.
现在，世界上最神奇的犯罪斗士的生活中又出现了激动人心的一集。
Chickenman.
鸡人。
And Santa Claus, I want a Tiffany doll.
圣诞老人，我想要一个蒂芙尼娃娃。
Not the Tiffany doll that wets herself.
不是那个会尿湿的蒂芙尼娃娃。
The Tiffany doll that is a nightclub singer.
蒂芙尼娃娃是夜总会歌手。
Ho, ho, ho, ho.
嗬，嗬，嗬，嗬。
Well, if you're a good little girl, Santa will see what he can do.
好吧，如果你是个好小女孩，圣诞老人会看看他能做什么。
Are you really Santa Claus?
你真的是圣诞老人吗？
Department Store Santa Well, of course I am.
百货商店圣诞老人 嗯，我当然是。
Halt, vicious criminal impostor.
站住，邪恶的冒充犯罪分子。
I'm arresting you for being a vicious criminal impostor.
我逮捕你是因为你是一个恶毒的冒名顶替者。
Hey, bird-face, who do you think you are?
嘿，鸟脸，你以为你是谁？
Who do you think you are?
你以为你是谁？
Department Store Manager I know who I am.
百货商店经理 我知道我是谁。
I'm the manager of this department store.
我是这家百货公司的经理。
Oh.
哦。
Well, I am the wonderful, white-winged warrior, Chickenman, fighter of crime and/or evil, defender of those who are undefendable.
好吧，我是一位出色的白翼战士，鸡人，犯罪和/或邪恶的斗士，那些无法防御的人的捍卫者。
That doesn't sound right.
这听起来不对。
Oh, don't I look impressed?
哦，我看起来没有印象深刻吗？
You can not come into this department store and arrest our Santa.
你不能进入这家百货公司逮捕我们的圣诞老人。
Well, your Santa is not a real Santa.
好吧，你的圣诞老人不是真正的圣诞老人。
And he fibbed his fat face off to that little girl.
他还用他那张胖脸向那个小女孩撒了谎。
Because I can pull on this phony beard, and it will come right off.
因为我可以拉起假胡子，它就会马上脱落。
Boy, it's really glued on tight.
男孩，它真的粘得很紧。
Actually, I'm a chicken.
其实我是一只鸡
Department Store Manager The beard will not come off because it's a real beard.
百货商店经理 胡须不会脱落，因为它是真胡须。
Commissioner Norton, what are you doing here?
诺顿局长，你来这里做什么？
I am waiting to see Santa.
我在等着见到圣诞老人。
Chickenman Oh, don't be a dope.
鸡人哦，别傻了。
You've been duped, dope.
你被骗了，笨蛋。
All right, Commissioner.
好的，专员。
Thank you for apprehending a major threat to the holiday dreams of our children, not to mention the American way of life.
感谢您了解我们孩子的假期梦想面临的重大威胁，更不用说美国的生活方式了。
Thank you, Officer-- Officer Kowalski It's Kowalski.
谢谢你，警官——科瓦尔斯基警官 我是科瓦尔斯基。
And I'm talking about you, bird-brain.
我说的是你，鸟脑。
Moi?
莫伊？
The wonderful, white-winged warrior, defender of the defensible?
美妙的白翼战士，防御者的捍卫者？
Still doesn't sound right.
听起来还是不太对劲。
This is the 17th Santa Claus you've arrested, including his honor, the mayor, who was playing Santa at the Midland City Community Center Christmas party for underprivileged politicians.
This is the 17th Santa Claus you've arrested, including his honor, the mayor, who was playing Santa at the Midland City Community Center Christmas party for underprivileged politicians.
He was an impostor.
他是个骗子。
Oh, how nice, a gift of matching bracelets for the holidays.
哦，多好啊，节日礼物，配套的手镯。
I think they're called handcuffs, winged warrior.
我认为他们被称为手铐，有翼的战士。
Hold everything.
握住一切。
The commissioner of police will vouch for me.
警察局长将为我作证。
Go ahead, sir.
继续吧，先生。
I've never seen this chicken before in my life.
我以前从未见过这只鸡。
How long before I can see Santa?
我还要多久才能见到圣诞老人？
Oh, for crying out loud.
哦，因为大声哭泣。
I'm allowed one phone call, am I not?
我可以打一个电话，不是吗？
All right.
好的。
But make it fast, feather-face.
但动作一定要快，要有气势。
My phone is in my beak.
我的手机在我的嘴里。
It will just take a second.
只需要一秒钟。
555-876-5436-8907.
555-876-5436-8907。
Mayor's office.
市长办公室。
Chickenman Miss Manley?
小鸡人 曼利小姐？
It's me, the winged warrior, defender of--
这是我，有翼的战士，捍卫者——
Well, I've gotten myself into a little trouble here by apprehending all the Santa Clauses in town, including his honor, the mayor.
好吧，我在这里遇到了一点麻烦，因为我逮捕了镇上所有的圣诞老人，包括市长阁下。
I heard about that.
我听说过。
And I will be forever in your debt because he is such a noodge.
我将永远欠你的情，因为他真是个麻烦人。
Good.
好的。
And I need someone from the mayor's office to vouch for me, since the Commissioner is here, and he won't.
我需要市长办公室的人为我提供担保，因为专员在这里，但他不会。
Well, I do not vouch, honey, during the holiday season.
好吧，我不保证，亲爱的，在假期期间。
I am too busy dreaming of a white Christmas, walking in a winter wonderland, and getting my chestnuts to roast by the open fire.
我正忙着梦想一个白色的圣诞节，漫步在冬季仙境，并在篝火旁烤栗子。
Oh, well, I'm sorry to have troubled you.
哦，好吧，很抱歉给你添麻烦了。
Well, I have to leave now, officer.
好吧，我现在得走了，警官。
I have to find a Santa chicken-puss, here, hasn't arrested.
我必须在这里找到一只圣诞老人小鸡，还没被捕。
What about me, commissioner?
那我呢，专员？
Commissioner Norton I never saw you before in my life.
诺顿专员 我以前从未见过你。
Well, if the commissioner doesn't recognize the winged warrior and Miss Manley is busy roasting chestnuts by an open fire, pray tell, what will happen to our hero?
Well, if the commissioner doesn't recognize the winged warrior and Miss Manley is busy roasting chestnuts by an open fire, pray tell, what will happen to our hero?
Thank you.
谢谢。
At least someone cares what--
至少有人关心什么——
Not you.
不是你。
I mean the one in the red suit with the big belly that shakes like a bowl full of jelly.
我指的是那个穿着红色西装、大肚子摇晃得像一碗果冻一样的人。
Oh, I hope the jail holiday meal isn't chicken.
哦，我希望监狱假期餐不是鸡肉。
This has been another exciting episode in the life of The Most Fantastic Crimefighter The World Has Ever Known.
这是世界上最神奇的犯罪斗士一生中又一个激动人心的插曲。
Chickenman.
鸡人。
That episode of Chickenman was written and produced for our program at the Radio Ranch in Los Angeles by Christine Coyle and Dick Orkin.
《鸡人》的这一集是由克里斯汀·科伊尔和迪克·奥金为我们在洛杉矶牧场电台的节目编写和制作的。
It featured the voices of Christine Coyle, Dick Orkin, and Rod Roddy.
它由克里斯汀·科伊尔、迪克·奥金和罗德·罗迪配音。
[MUSIC - "SOMEBODY STOLE MY SANTA CLAUS SUIT" BY THE CHRISTMAS JUG BAND, FEATURING DAN HICKS]
[音乐 - 圣诞罐乐队的“有人偷了我的圣诞老人套装”，由丹·希克斯 (Dan Hicks) 主演]
Act Five, Santa Claus Versus the Easter Bunny.
第五幕，圣诞老人与复活节兔子。
A while back, writer David Sedaris moved to France, where he enrolled in a school to study French.
不久前，作家大卫·塞达里斯搬到了法国，在那里他在一所学校学习法语。
He was the only American there.
他是那里唯一的美国人。
As he explained to an audience at City Arts and Lectures in San Francisco, the teacher could be kind of mean.
正如他在旧金山城市艺术与讲座上向观众解释的那样，这位老师可能有点刻薄。
Oh, she would throw chalk at people, and stabbed someone in the eye with a pencil one day, and would hold your homework paper over your head and show everyone the mistakes that you made.
Oh, she would throw chalk at people, and stabbed someone in the eye with a pencil one day, and would hold your homework paper over your head and show everyone the mistakes that you made.
So I wrote a story about her.
所以我写了一个关于她的故事。
And she read it, and I got thrown out of school.
她读了这本书，我就被学校开除了。
This is another story about her, and about the big religious holidays, and the sheer arbitrariness of the way we celebrate sometimes.
这是另一个关于她的故事，关于大型宗教节日，以及我们有时庆祝方式的纯粹任意性。
Easter eggs, Santa filling the stockings, all the non-religious icons.
复活节彩蛋、装满长袜的圣诞老人，所有非宗教的偶像。
Printed in our textbooks was a brief list of major holidays alongside a scattered arrangement of photos capturing French people in the act of celebration.
Printed in our textbooks was a brief list of major holidays alongside a scattered arrangement of photos capturing French people in the act of celebration.
The object was to match the holiday with the corresponding picture.
目的是将假期与相应的图片相匹配。
Today's discussion was dominated by a Russian nanny, two chatty Poles, and a pouty, plump Moroccan woman who had grown up speaking French and had enrolled in the class hoping to improve her spelling.
今天的讨论主要由一位俄罗斯保姆、两位健谈的波兰人以及一位撅嘴、胖乎乎的摩洛哥女人主导，她从小就讲法语，报名参加这个课程是希望提高她的拼写能力。
She had covered these lessons back in the third grade, and took every opportunity to demonstrate her superiority.
她在三年级时就已经学过这些课程，并利用一切机会展示自己的优势。
She had recently transferred to the class.
她最近转学到了这个班级。
And we could not wait until she was booted up to her appropriate level.
我们迫不及待地想把她提升到适当的水平。
Midway through the first day, she had raised her hand so many times her shoulder had given out.
第一天中途，她举起手的次数太多了，她的肩膀已经垮了。
Now she just leaned back in her seat and shouted the answers, her bronzed arms folded across her chest like some great grammar genie.
现在她只是靠在座位上，大声喊出答案，古铜色的手臂交叉在胸前，就像一个伟大的语法精灵。
We had finished discussing New Year's Eve, and the teacher had moved on to Easter, which was represented in our textbook by a black and white photograph of a chocolate bell lying upon a bed of palm fronds.
我们讨论完除夕夜，老师又开始讨论复活节，在我们的教科书中，复活节用一张黑白照片来代表，照片上是一个巧克力铃铛躺在棕榈叶床上。
"And what does one do on Easter?
“复活节人们会做什么？
Would anyone like to tell us?" It was, for me, another one of those holidays I'd just as soon avoid.
有人愿意告诉我们吗？”对我来说，这又是我宁愿避免的假期之一。
Growing up, my family had generally ignored the Easter celebrated by our non-Orthodox friends and neighbors, leading to the suspicion that we might be either Jews or Communists.
在我的成长过程中，我的家人通常忽视我们的非东正教朋友和邻居庆祝的复活节，这导致我们怀疑我们可能是犹太人或共产党人。
As Greeks, we had our own Easter which was usually observed anywhere from two to four weeks after what was known in our circle as "the American version." The reason had to do with the moon or the Orthodox calendar, something mysterious like that.
作为希腊人，我们有自己的复活节，通常在我们圈子里所谓的“美国版”之后两到四个星期的任何地方庆祝。原因与月亮或东正教日历有关，诸如此类的神秘事物。
Though our mother always suspected it was scheduled at a later date so that the Greeks could buy their marshmallow chicks and plastic grass at drastically reduced sale prices.
尽管我们的母亲一直怀疑这是安排在晚些时候的，以便希腊人可以以大幅降低的销售价格购买棉花糖小鸡和塑料草。
"The cheap sons of bitches," she'd say, "If they had their way, we'd be celebrating Christmas in the middle of god damn February."
“这些卑鄙的狗娘养的，”她会说，“如果他们如愿以偿，我们就会在该死的二月中旬庆祝圣诞节。”
A brave Italian was attempting to answer the teacher's latest question, when the Moroccan student interrupted, shouting, "Excuse me, but what's an Easter?" Despite having grown up in a Muslim country, it seems she might have heard it mentioned once or twice, but no. "I mean it," she said, "I have no idea what you people are talking about." The teacher then called upon the rest of us to explain.
一位勇敢的意大利人正试图回答老师的最新问题，这时摩洛哥学生打断了他，喊道：“对不起，什么是复活节？”尽管她在穆斯林国家长大，但似乎她可能听说过一两次，但没有。 “我是说真的，”她说，“我不知道你们在说什么。”然后老师就叫我们其他人来解释。
The Poles led the charge to the best of their ability.
波兰人尽其所能带头冲锋。
"It is," said one, "a party for the little boy of God who call hisself Jesus and-- you know, like that." She faltered, and her fellow countrymen came to her aid.
“这是，”一个人说，“为上帝的小男孩举办的聚会，他自称耶稣，而且——你知道，就像这样。”她步履蹒跚，她的同胞们纷纷伸出援助之手。
"He call hisself Jesus, and then he die one day on two morsels of lumber."
“他称自己为耶稣，然后有一天，他靠着两块木材而死。”
The rest of the class jumped in, offering bits of information that would have given the Pope an aneurysm.
班里的其他人也纷纷加入进来，提供了一些可能会让教皇得动脉瘤的信息。
"He die one day.
“他有一天会死。
And then he go above of my head to live with your father." "He weared the long hair.
然后他就越过我的头去和你父亲住在一起。” “他留着长发。
And after he died the first day, he come back here for to say hello to the peoples." "He nice.
他第一天去世后，就回到这里向人民问好。” “他很好。
He make the good thing.
他做了好事。
And on the Easter, we be sad, because someone made him dead today."
在复活节，我们会感到悲伤，因为今天有人让他死了。”
Part of the problem had to do with grammar.
部分问题与语法有关。
Simple nouns, such as "cross" and "Resurrection," were beyond our grasp, let alone such complicated reflexive verbs as "to give of yourself your only begotten son." Faced with the challenge of explaining the cornerstone of Christianity, we did what any self-respecting group of people might do.
简单的名词，例如“十字架”和“复活”，我们都无法掌握，更不用说像“献出你自己的独生子”这样复杂的反身动词了。面对解释基督教基石的挑战，我们做了任何有自尊心的人可能会做的事情。
We talked about food instead.
我们改为谈论食物。
"Easter is a party for to eat of the lamb," an Italian student explained.
“复活节是吃羊肉的聚会，”一位意大利学生解释道。
"One, too, may eat of the chocolate." "And who brings the chocolate?" The teacher asked.
“一个也可以吃巧克力。” “谁带来了巧克力？”老师问道。
I knew the word, and so I raised my hand saying, "The rabbit of Easter." "He bring of the chocolate."
我知道这个词，所以我举起手说：“复活节的兔子。” “他带来了巧克力。”
My classmates reacted as though I had pinned the delivery on a house cat.
我的同学们的反应就好像我把快递寄到了一只家猫身上。
They were mortified.
他们感到羞愧。
A rabbit?
一只兔子？
A rabbit?
一只兔子？
The teacher, assuming I had used the wrong word, positioned her index fingers on top of her head, wiggling them as though they were ears.
老师以为我用错了词，就把食指放在头顶上，像耳朵一样摆动。
"You mean one of these?
“你是说其中之一吗？
A rabbit, rabbit?" "Well, sure," I said, "he come in the night when one sleep on a bed.
兔子，兔子？” “嗯，当然，”我说，“晚上人们睡在床上的时候他就会来。
With a hand, he have the basket, like for a bread."
他用一只手拿着篮子，就像拿面包一样。”
The Moroccan rolled her eyes, and the teacher sadly shook her head as if this explained everything that was wrong with my country.
摩洛哥人翻了个白眼，老师悲伤地摇了摇头，仿佛这解释了我的国家的一切问题。
"No, no," she said, "here in France, the chocolate is brought by a big bell that flies in from Rome." I called for a time-out.
“不，不，”她说，“在法国，巧克力是由从罗马飞来的大钟带来的。”我叫了暂停。
"But how do the bell know where you live?" "Well," she said, "how does a rabbit?" It was a decent point, but at least a rabbit has eyes.
“但是门铃怎么知道你住在哪里呢？” “嗯，”她说，“兔子怎么样？”这是一个不错的观点，但至少兔子有眼睛。
That's a start.
这是一个开始。
Rabbits move from place to place, while most bells can only go back and forth.
兔子从一个地方移动到另一个地方，而大多数铃铛只能来回移动。
And they can't even do that on their own power.
而他们甚至无法凭借自己的力量做到这一点。
On top of that, the Easter bunny has character.
最重要的是，复活节兔子有个性。
He's someone you'd like to meet.
他是你想见的人。
A bell has all the personality of a cast iron skillet.
钟具有铸铁煎锅的所有特性。
It's like saying that come Christmas, a magic dust pan flies in from the North Pole, led by eight flying cinder blocks.
这就像说圣诞节到来时，一个神奇的簸箕在八块飞舞的煤渣块的带领下从北极飞来。
Who wants to stay up all night, so they can see a bell?
谁愿意熬夜才能看到钟声？
And why fly one in from Rome when they've got more bells than they know what to do with right there in Paris?
当他们在巴黎拥有的铃声多得不知道如何处理时，为什么还要从罗马飞来一架呢？
That's the most implausible aspect of the whole story.
这是整个故事中最令人难以置信的部分。
Because there's no way the bells of France would allow a foreign worker to fly in.
因为法国的钟声不可能允许外国工人飞进来。
There's no way the bells of France would allow a foreign worker to fly in and take their job.
法国的钟声不可能允许外国工人飞进来抢走他们的工作。
That Roman bell would be lucky to get work cleaning up after a French bell's dog.
那个罗马钟如果能得到清理法国钟的狗的工作就很幸运了。
And how does a bell hold the candy if it doesn't have any arms?
如果铃铛没有手臂，它怎么能握住糖果呢？
How does it get into your house without being heard?
它是如何进入你的房子而不被人听到的？
It just didn't add up.
它只是没有加起来。
I suppose similar questions could be asked of the Easter bunny.
我想类似的问题也可以问复活节兔子。
I had just never thought about it that hard.
我从来没有这么认真地想过这个问题。
Nothing we said was of any help whatsoever to the Moroccan woman.
我们所说的一切对摩洛哥妇女没有任何帮助。
Clearly disgusted, she just sat there, her lips positioned as if to spit.
显然她很厌恶，只是坐在那里，嘴唇摆出一副要吐口水的姿势。
I wondered then if, without the language barrier, my classmates and I could have done a better job making sense of Christianity, an idea that sounds pretty far-fetched to begin with.
当时我想知道，如果没有语言障碍，我和我的同学是否可以更好地理解基督教，这个想法一开始听起来相当牵强。
In communicating any religious belief, the operative word is faith, a concept illustrated by our very presence in that classroom.
在传达任何宗教信仰时，最重要的词就是信仰，我们在教室里的存在就说明了这一概念。
Why bother struggling with the lessons of a six-year-old if each of us didn't believe that, against all reason, we might eventually improve?
如果我们每个人都不相信，不管出于何种原因，我们最终可能会有所进步，为什么还要费力去学习一个六岁孩子的教训呢？
I'm not sure how that fits in with the Resurrection, but if I could hope to one day carry on a fluent conversation, it was a relatively short leap to believing that a rabbit might visit my home in the middle of the night, leaving behind a handful of chocolate kisses and a carton of menthol cigarettes.
我不确定这与复活是否相符，但如果我能希望有一天能进行流畅的对话，相信一只兔子可能会在半夜来我家，留下一把巧克力之吻和一盒薄荷香烟，这只是一个相对较短的飞跃。
A bell though, that's [BLEEP] up.
不过，铃响了，[BLEEP]响了。
Here, I had spent all this time feeling intimidated by French people and for nothing.
在这里，我一直感到被法国人吓倒，但毫无意义。
The next time the teacher humiliated me or someone at the market gave me a hard time, I'd just roll my eyes like the Moroccan woman, thinking, "Well, what can you do with a nation of people who'll apparently believe in anything?"
下次老师羞辱我，或者市场上有人刁难我时，我就会像摩洛哥女人一样翻白眼，心想：“好吧，你能对一个显然什么都相信的人做什么呢？”
Writer David Sedaris.
作家大卫·塞达里斯。
Credits Ira Glass Well, our program was produced today by Blue Chevigny and myself, with Alex Blumberg, Susan Burton, and Julie Snyder.
图片来源：Ira Glass 好吧，今天我们的节目是由 Blue Chevigny 和我本人以及 Alex Blumberg、Susan Burton 和 Julie Snyder 制作的。
[ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS] This American Life is distributed by Public Radio International.
[致谢]《美国生活》由国际公共广播电台发行。
[FUNDING CREDITS] WBEZ management oversight by Torey Malatia who I would describe this way.
[资金来源] WBEZ 管理监督由 Torey Malatia 负责，我将这样描述他。
His knuckles are dirty and scabbed.
他的指关节又脏又结痂。
His breath smells of mash and lighter fluid.
他的呼吸充满了麦芽浆和打火机液体的味道。
I'm Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯。
Back next week with more stories of This American Life.
下周我们将带来更多《美国生活》的故事。
Not friendly, but menacing.
不友好，但有威胁。
Announcer PRI, Public Radio International.
国际公共广播电台 PRI 播音员。
This American Life is produced in collaboration with WBEZ Chicago and delivered to stations by PRX The Public Radio Exchange.
《This American Life》与 WBEZ Chicago 合作制作，并由 PRX 公共广播电台传送到各电台。