123: High Cost of Living - This American Life

123：生活成本高

123 · This American Life · 原文

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00:00 00:00 Transcript Share This American Life Life Partners How to Listen Episodes Recommended About Overview Staff Announcements Fellowships Jobs Music Make Radio On The Road FAQ Submissions Merch Contact Us Our Other Shows Merch Follow Us Life Partners Subscribe to our newsletter Full episode Toggle Audio and Transcript Sync Transcript | Episode #123 | February 26, 1999 123: High Cost of Living Note: This American Life is produced for the ear and designed to be heard.

00:00 00:00 文字记录分享此美国生活生活伙伴如何收听剧集推荐关于概述员工公告奖学金工作音乐在路上制作电台常见问题解答提交商品联系我们我们的其他节目商品关注我们生活伙伴订阅我们的时事通讯整集切换音频和文字记录同步文字记录 | 内容第 123 集 | 1999 年 2 月 26 日 123：生活成本高昂注：《美国生活》是为耳朵而制作的，旨在让人们听到。

If you are able, we strongly encourage you to listen to the audio, which includes emotion and emphasis that's not on the page.

如果可以的话，我们强烈建议您收听音频，其中包括页面上没有的情感和重点。

Transcripts are generated using a combination of speech recognition software and human transcribers, and may contain errors.

文字记录是使用语音识别软件和人工转录员结合生成的，可能包含错误。

Please check the corresponding audio before quoting in print.

请在印刷版引用前检查相应的音频。

Prologue Ira Glass We're supposed to smell the roses, notice the sunsets, live life to the fullest.

序言 Ira Glass 我们应该闻玫瑰花香，留意日落，尽情享受生活。

But this is not always possible.

但这并不总是可能的。

In fact, it's not always advisable.

事实上，这并不总是可取的。

Robert says that he began the part of his life when he felt the most alive a few years ago, when he was on a trip to Ireland.

罗伯特说，几年前，当他去爱尔兰旅行时，他感觉自己最有活力，开始了自己的人生。

He attended a horse jumping competition in a big stadium.

他参加了在一个大体育场举行的跳马比赛。

It was a great international competition.

这是一场伟大的国际比赛。

And they had Ireland, of course, was there.

当然，他们还有爱尔兰。

And Britain and France and Italy and Germany, and Australia, I think, was there.

我认为英国、法国、意大利、德国和澳大利亚也在那里。

Well, I was watching that.

嗯，我正在看那个。

And I was thinking, "Well, God, what do you want me to do with my life?" And so I was at the International Jumping Derby, and I noticed that the United States wasn't there.

我在想，“好吧，上帝，你想让我做什么？”所以我参加了国际马术障碍赛，我注意到美国不在那里。

And so I took this as a message from above that I should do something to improve the riding program in the United States.

因此，我将此视为上面的一个信息，即我应该做一些事情来改善美国的骑行计划。

I felt that I was struck by a bolt of lightning of sorts, a kind of a psychic bolt of lightning.

我感觉自己被一道闪电击中，一种心灵闪电。

I said, "This is what God wants me to do." And so that was my mission, was to improve the riding program of the United States.

我说：“这就是神要我做的事。”这就是我的使命，就是改善美国的骑行计划。

At that time, Robert had already suffered from a few bouts of psychosis and delusion.

当时罗伯特已经出现过几次精神错乱和妄想症。

One time, he thought a light bulb in his closet was giving him special messages from God.

有一次，他认为衣柜里的一个灯泡正在向他传达来自上帝的特殊信息。

Another time, he believed he was an angel with special powers, sent to help mankind.

还有一次，他相信自己是一位拥有特殊力量的天使，被派来帮助人类。

But saving the US equestrian team, there was something so earthly about that, so modest.

但拯救美国马术队，却是那么朴实、那么谦虚。

Robert loved horses, loved to ride.

罗伯特喜欢马，喜欢骑马。

And one thing led to another.

一件事引发了另一件事。

And before long, he was the nation's number one salesman of US equestrian team t-shirts and caps and paraphernalia.

不久之后，他就成为美国马术队 T 恤、帽子和用品的全国第一销售员。

He would get the stuff from a wholesaler, go to horse shows, sell it to horsey enthusiasts, trying to drum up support for the cause, all without any official sanction or authorization of the US equestrian team.

他会从批发商那里购买东西，参加马术表演，将其出售给马术爱好者，试图争取对这一事业的支持，所有这些都没有得到美国马术队的任何官方批准或授权。

It was exciting.

这很令人兴奋。

He traveled all over the country, met people, talked about his mission.

他走遍了全国，结识了人们，谈论了他的使命。

At one point, he became convinced that the way to save the US equestrian team would be to involve the US military.

有一次，他确信拯救美国马术队的方法就是让美国军队参与进来。

Because this is who rode-- when I went to the jumping festival in Ireland, the military, or a military program, represented Ireland, and they won.

因为这就是当我去爱尔兰参加跳跃节时，军队或军事项目代表爱尔兰，他们赢了。

And so I thought the United States should do the same thing, that we should have military riders and military equestrians represent the United States.

所以我认为美国应该做同样的事情，我们应该让军事骑手和军事马术代表美国。

So I decided that I would write a letter to Senator Sam Nunn, who was very familiar with defense activity.

所以我决定给参议员萨姆·纳恩写一封信，他对国防活动非常熟悉。

And I wrote him a letter saying as politely as I could, do you think that the US Army could come up with an equestrian team.

我给他写了一封信，尽可能礼貌地说，你认为美国陆军可以组建一支马术队吗？

And actually, he went off, and his staff researched it for me.

事实上，他走了，他的工作人员为我进行了研究。

And they came back.

他们回来了。

And I got a letter from somebody in the Pentagon.

我收到了五角大楼某人的一封信。

And they said, "No, I'm sorry.

他们说：“不，我很抱歉。

We can't include equestrian in our sports program.

我们不能将马术纳入我们的体育项目中。

We don't have the resources."

我们没有资源。”

After a few years, Robert's mission started to fall apart.

几年后，罗伯特的使命开始分崩离析。

He was losing money.

他正在赔钱。

The people running the US equestrian team let him know they didn't actually want him to save them.

美国马术队的负责人让他知道他们实际上并不希望他拯救他们。

So he stopped.

于是他停了下来。

And when he looks back on those times these days, he said it was like he was too alive back then, too alive.

如今，当他回顾那些时光时，他说，那时的他太有活力了，太有活力了。

He says back then, he had a sickness that made him believe every idea with complete conviction, that made him act on every inspired notion that entered his head.

他说，当时，他得了一种病，这种病让他坚信每一个想法，让他按照脑海中出现的每一个灵感想法采取行动。

Now, he works a normal job, sleeps normal hours, commutes a normal commute, takes medications which protect him from fits of mania.

现在，他有正常的工作，正常的睡眠时间，正常的通勤时间，服用防止躁狂发作的药物。

I think I was a lot more creative when I was slightly manic.

我认为当我有点躁狂时我更有创造力。

In a way, I was certainly a little bit wilder and maybe a little bit more fun.

在某种程度上，我当然更狂野一点，也许更有趣一点。

In fact, when he and acquaintances who suffered through similar kinds of mental illness get together, sometimes they'll all reminisce about the old days, before they were medicated.

事实上，当他和患有类似精神疾病的熟人聚在一起时，有时他们都会回忆起服药前的时光。

Oh, yeah.

哦，是的。

We all talk about how many times we've been arrested or something like that.

我们都会谈论我们被逮捕了多少次之类的事情。

That's conversation.

这就是对话。

We talk about the goofy things we did.

我们谈论我们做过的愚蠢的事情。

"I got arrested.

“我被捕了。

I remember that.

我记得。

The police was very nice.

警察非常友善。

But I broke a vase, and he took me to the hospital." And we talk about our hospitalizations.

但我打碎了一个花瓶，他就带我去了医院。”我们谈论我们的住院治疗。

And I do reminisce a little bit about it.

我确实对此有一些回忆。

It was fun.

很有趣。

We had a lot of fun and went all over the country and had friends.

我们玩得很开心，走遍了全国各地，结交了朋友。

And it was kind of exciting, sure.

当然，这有点令人兴奋。

But now I'm socked in a schedule of being responsible and going to work every day.

但现在我每天都被安排得负责并去工作。

And these things are not fun compared to running around the country and going to horse shows.

而这些事情与满街跑、去看马术表演相比，一点也不好玩。

Those were more fun.

那些更有趣。

But this is what I've chosen to do.

但这就是我选择做的。

It doesn't just happen among people who are medicated, the desire to avoid the highs and lows of a frantic life.

这种情况不仅仅发生在接受药物治疗的人身上，他们渴望避免疯狂生活的高潮和低谷。

Many people choose a steadier life, a duller life, because it's also a saner life, or because it's all they can manage.

许多人选择更稳定的生活，更平淡的生活，因为这也是一种更理智的生活，或者因为这是他们所能管理的。

Today on our program, Avoiding the High Cost of Living, people stepping back from one big life experience or another, and why that may be the only possible choice sometimes.

今天，在我们的节目《避免高昂的生活成本》中，人们从一种或另一种重大的生活经历中退缩，以及为什么有时这可能是唯一可能的选择。

From WBEZ Chicago and Public Radio International, it's This American Life.

来自芝加哥 WBEZ 和国际公共广播电台的《This American Life》。

I'm Ira Glass.

我是艾拉·格拉斯。

Act One of our program today.

我们今天的节目第一幕。

How to Avoid the Everyday Irritations of Everyday Life.

如何避免日常生活中的日常烦恼。

Jack Hitt talks to a woman who stumbled onto one way, accidentally and against her will.

杰克·希特与一位女士交谈，她无意中违背自己的意愿，无意中走上了一条路。

Act Two, How to Avoid the Difficulty of Living With Someone, in which we hear a philosophical defense of baby talk among adults, that's right, baby talk among adults.

第二幕，如何避免与某人一起生活的困难，在其中我们听到了对成年人之间儿语的哲学辩护，没错，成年人之间的儿语。

We hear the grisly details.

我们听到了可怕的细节。

And do not pretend that you have not been there, my friend.

我的朋友，不要假装你没有去过那里。

Act Three, How to Avoid Everything.

第三幕，如何避免一切。

Writer Dani Shapiro explains how a 22-year-old can avoid facing all the important facts about his or her own life.

作家丹尼·夏皮罗 (Dani Shapiro) 解释了 22 岁的年轻人如何避免面对自己生活中的所有重要事实。

Stay with us.

留在我们身边。

Act One, How to Avoid the Everyday Irritations of Everyday Life.

第一幕，如何避免日常生活中的日常烦恼。

No one is in a better position to talk about deadening yourself to life than someone who was forced to do it by nearly dying.

没有人比那些濒临死亡而被迫这样做的人更适合谈论让自己对生活麻木不仁。

Jack Hitt tells the story.

杰克·希特讲述了这个故事。

Back in the 1980s, when Charlene Riling was just out of college, her life was consumed with being a jock.

早在 20 世纪 80 年代，夏琳·里林 (Charlene Riling) 刚从大学毕业时，她的生活就被成为一名运动员所占据。

She played basketball until midnight and could always be counted on for a pickup game of baseball or softball.

她打篮球直到午夜，并且总是可以指望她参加棒球或垒球的临时比赛。

She especially loved her beautiful yellow and purple Bottechia racing bike.

她特别喜欢她美丽的黄色和紫色 Bottechia 赛车。

It would be nothing to be riding on the Blue Ridge Parkway down in North Carolina and Tennessee, going down on your racing bike, 50, 55 miles an hour.

在北卡罗来纳州和田纳西州的蓝岭公路上骑着赛车，以每小时 50、55 英里的速度行驶，这没什么意思。

I don't know that I would do that today.

我不知道今天我会这么做。

So, yes, I felt very invincible and, in that sense, very confident, really that fearless mentality.

所以，是的，我感觉非常无敌，从这个意义上说，非常自信，真的是那种无所畏惧的心态。

Which right now, I have to say, subsequent to everything that happened, I've really lost that.

现在，我不得不说，在发生了这一切之后，我真的失去了这一点。

In 1981, Charlene's father died.

1981年，夏琳的父亲去世。

She'd always thought of him as her best friend, and it almost seemed destined to be that way.

她一直认为他是她最好的朋友，而且似乎注定如此。

He was Charles.

他是查尔斯。

She was Charlene.

她就是夏琳。

They had the same birthday.

他们同一天生日。

She was devastated.

她很伤心。

Then her girlfriend left her.

然后她的女朋友就离开了她。

She started to drink a good bit more and lose herself in the bar scene.

她开始喝得更多，并在酒吧里迷失了自己。

A couple of times, she and some friends shot up cocaine for a nice, potent, '80s-style high.

有几次，她和一些朋友注射可卡因以获得 80 年代风格的强烈快感。

Then she cleaned up, went to AA.

然后她收拾干净，就去AA了。

Years later, in the summer of 1988, the invincible Charlene came down with a weird flu she just couldn't shake.

多年后，1988 年夏天，所向披靡的夏琳 (Charlene) 患上了一种她无法摆脱的奇怪流感。

It went on for weeks, then months.

这种情况持续了几周，然后是几个月。

She had her suspicions, which flared into a private panic when she found out that a guy she'd shared needles with was positive for HIV.

她有自己的怀疑，当她发现与她共用针头的一个人的艾滋病毒呈阳性时，她的怀疑爆发为私下的恐慌。

She screwed up the courage to go to the county health department to get an anonymous test, and returned on a cold, gloomy day to receive the results.

她鼓起勇气去县卫生部门进行了匿名检测，并在寒冷阴沉的一天回来收到了结果。

I remember sitting out in this big, open waiting room.

我记得坐在这个又大又开放的候诊室里。

And there wasn't really anybody in there.

而且里面根本就没有人。

And I don't remember how many minutes, but it wasn't that long after sitting down that I was told that I was positive at that time.

我不记得有多少分钟了，但坐下后没多久，我就被告知我当时呈阳性。

The counselor then proceeded to go on to her own little religious agenda, going on to say that Jesus Christ heals all those who repent their sins, referring to my lesbianism as being a sin, and that people are cured of AIDS.

然后，辅导员继续她自己的小宗教议程，继续说耶稣基督治愈了所有悔罪的人，并指出我的女同性恋是一种罪过，而且人们的艾滋病已被治愈。

And AIDS is a sinful disease, and that's how people get it.

艾滋病是一种罪恶的疾病，人们就是这样染上它的。

But you can be cured of it if you repent your sins.

但如果你悔改你的罪孽，你就可以治愈它。

And it felt like the longest period of my life, being in there, just feeling like you're in one of those little snowy glasses filled with water, and somebody just shook it up.

那感觉就像是我一生中最长的一段时间，呆在那里，感觉就像你在一个装满水的小雪杯里，有人把它摇晃了。

And your head's spinning.

你的头在旋转。

And everything's going on.

一切都在发生。

And you want to get out of there, but you can't.

你想离开那里，但你不能。

And I just felt very trapped.

我只是觉得自己被困住了。

And then she started talking about this church called Hope Ministries.

然后她开始谈论这个叫希望事工的教会。

And Hope Ministries is a place that will convert people from being gay to being straight.

希望事工是一个将人们从同性恋转变为异性恋的地方。

And she tried pretty hard to get me to Hope Ministries.

她非常努力地想让我去希望事工。

And I just took the piece of paper and just left.

我只是拿着那张纸就离开了。

Never saw the counselor again, never went to Hope Ministries.

我再也没有见过辅导员，也没有去过希望事工。

And that was it.

就是这样。

I remember the doctor starting the AZT, started on 500 milligrams.

我记得医生开始服用 AZT，起始剂量为 500 毫克。

And all this bloodwork was being done.

所有这些血腥工作正在完成。

And so my whole life, socially, changed.

因此，我的整个社会生活都发生了变化。

My social, economical class changed.

我的社会、经济阶层发生了变化。

And did you stop working during this time?

那你在这段时间停止工作了吗？

Yeah, I actually stopped working just shortly afterwards.

是的，不久之后我实际上就停止了工作。

So you're 30 years old, and you're forced to retire?

那么你已经30岁了，你被迫退休吗？

Right.

正确的。

And work was the most-- to me, my job was the biggest part of-- it was really my identity, the computer person or computer geek.

工作是最重要的——对我来说，我的工作是最大的一部分——这确实是我的身份，计算机人或计算机极客。

I loved computers before I ever saw what a computer looked like.

在我看到计算机是什么样子之前，我就喜欢计算机了。

I just loved it.

我只是喜欢它。

It was exciting.

这很令人兴奋。

And it was about to come out from underneath me very quickly, what my whole life was built on.

它很快就会从我的底下显现出来，这是我一生的基础。

So you end up with migraines.

所以你最终会患上偏头痛。

AZT is known to cause migraines, debilitating migraines.

众所周知，AZT 会引起偏头痛，使人衰弱。

Just bury your head under a pillow, no light.

把头埋在枕头下，没有光。

You can't move for days.

你好几天都不能动。

And they were just awful.

他们太糟糕了。

My muscles had reached a point where they had atrophied.

我的肌肉已经到了萎缩的程度。

My hands had closed into a fist.

我的双手紧握成拳头。

My hand was closed, like clenched, like a fist.

我的手紧握着，像握紧的拳头。

I could use my finger and my thumb to barely write with.

我几乎可以用我的手指和拇指来写字。

And it looked probably like cat scratch.

它看起来可能像猫抓伤。

It wasn't even legible.

它甚至无法辨认。

And I was also having real chronic and debilitating diarrhea, couldn't even make it to the bathroom.

我还患有真正的慢性和使人衰弱的腹泻，甚至无法去洗手间。

And at some point, Prednisone was introduced, which causes muscle wasting and a host of other side effects.

在某个时候，泼尼松被引入，它会导致肌肉萎缩和许多其他副作用。

And then the combination of all the other medications, in July of 1991, I was admitted to the hospital for changes in mental status.

然后结合所有其他药物，1991年7月，我因精神状态变化入院。

I was diagnosed as having AIDS dementia, AIDS-related dementia.

我被诊断出患有艾滋病痴呆症，艾滋病相关痴呆症。

Everything, on one hand, seemed hurried.

一方面，一切似乎都很匆忙。

Death seemed much more inevitable than it just does in daily living.

死亡似乎比日常生活中更加不可避免。

We don't really think about it.

我们并没有真正考虑过这个问题。

We don't plan for our death.

我们没有为自己的死亡做计划。

But I had gotten a dog during that time.

但在那段时间我养了一只狗。

He's a beagle.

他是一只比格犬。

His name is Sam.

他的名字叫萨姆。

He's nine years old now.

他现在九岁了。

And it's like Sam knew.

就像山姆知道的那样。

Because Sam was around me the most, because he was home, and I was home.

因为萨姆最常在我身边，因为他在家，我也在家。

And it's like I can remember being in bed and crying, just being so afraid of dying.

就像我记得我躺在床上哭泣，只是非常害怕死亡。

And I couldn't talk about it with my mother.

而且我无法和妈妈谈论这件事。

And I really wanted to.

我真的很想这么做。

But I knew how my mother felt about death.

但我知道母亲对死亡的感受。

And I didn't want her to know that I was afraid.

我不想让她知道我很害怕。

And my biggest fear was what was going to happen with Sam.

我最担心的是山姆会发生什么。

I used to think about-- Sam used to get so excited when I'd walk in the house.

我曾经想过——当我走进房子时，萨姆会非常兴奋。

You'd think I was gone for months.

你会以为我已经离开好几个月了。

I would be gone for a half a day.

我会离开半天。

And it would be like he'd go nuts.

他就会发疯。

And when I came home from the hospital one time, the July '91 hospitalization, and a couple of friends dropped me off.

有一次我从医院回家时，91 年 7 月住院，几个朋友送我回家。

And Sam went nuts all over me.

山姆对我很着迷。

And I kept thinking to myself, when I'm gone, I'm not going to walk back in that door again.

我一直在心里想，当我离开后，我不会再走进那扇门了。

And Sam's going to just be waiting for me to come in.

萨姆只会等我进来。

And I'm not going to come back in.

我不会再回来了。

And I know people might say, "Oh, it's just a dog," but--

我知道人们可能会说，“哦，这只是一只狗，”但是——

Charlene prepared to die.

夏琳做好了赴死的准备。

The doctors doubled her AZT and told her she had six months to a year to live.

医生将她的 AZT 加倍，并告诉她，她还有六个月到一年的生命。

She wrote a will at age 31, appointed an executor to her estate, made arrangements with a hospice to care for her.

她在 31 岁时写了一份遗嘱，任命了一名遗产执行人，并安排一家临终关怀医院来照顾她。

She said goodbye to all her friends, gave away all her most valued possessions.

她告别了所有的朋友，放弃了她所有最珍贵的财产。

I remember when you walked into my little beach cottage, on the right hand wall, I had all my bicycle racing numbers.

我记得当你走进我的小海滩小屋时，右手边的墙上有我所有的自行车比赛号码。

And this whole wall was just all bicycle memorabilia kind of thing, and pictures of me from when I used to ride and race.

整面墙都是自行车纪念品之类的东西，还有我以前骑车和比赛时的照片。

And I had kept that up.

我一直保持着这一点。

But I remember one day when I knew that I was never going to be riding again and never be racing again, and just let that anger set in.

但我记得有一天，当我知道我再也不会骑马，再也不会参加比赛时，我就让愤怒油然而生。

And I remember just taking all that stuff down, and probably not very gently either, and just feeling like, "That's all gone.

我记得我只是把所有这些东西都拿下来，而且可能也不是很温柔，只是感觉，“一切都消失了。

It's all gone, and it's never going to happen again." And I just couldn't look at it anymore.

一切都过去了，再也不会发生了。”我就是无法再看它了。

It was too painful.

太痛苦了。

In her final days, in a lot of pain, Charlene sought out a renegade physician named Gary Blick in Greenwich, Connecticut.

在生命的最后几天，夏琳在痛苦中找到了康涅狄格州格林威治一位名叫加里·布利克的叛逆医生。

He was known for helping AIDS patients get access to often unorthodox therapies.

他因帮助艾滋病患者获得非正统的治疗而闻名。

Her regular doctor suggested she avoid him, called him a quack.

她的主治医生建议她避开他，称他为庸医。

But she was desperate.

但她很绝望。

So she got her friend, Jamie, to drive her down there.

所以她让她的朋友杰米开车送她去那里。

And Dr. Blick, as with each new patient, gave her a full workup, including basic blood tests.

与每位新患者一样，布利克医生对她进行了全面检查，包括基本的血液检查。

And I remember sitting there, next to Jamie.

我记得坐在杰米旁边。

And we're both sitting in Gary's office.

我们都坐在加里的办公室里。

And you sit out, and you look out.

你坐在外面，向外看。

And you see the trees out in the back.

你可以看到后面的树木。

And I remember it was a sunny day.

我记得那是一个阳光明媚的日子。

It was in spring and everything.

那是在春天什么的。

There was life outside.

外面还有生命。

And sitting there with Jamie, and Dr. Blick sitting there and telling me, "I have good news for you." And he sat there and told me this good news, that I didn't have HIV, and I didn't have AIDS.

和杰米一起坐在那里，布利克博士坐在那里告诉我，“我有好消息告诉你。”他坐在那里告诉我这个好消息，我没有感染艾滋病毒，我也没有艾滋病。

And I just sat there like, "This can't be."

我只是坐在那里，“这不可能。”

I've been told this.

有人告诉我这一点。

My whole life's been planned about this.

我的一生都在为这个计划。

You know what I'm saying.

你知道我在说什么。

Did you just assume that he was wrong?

你刚才是不是认为他错了？

Or did you immediately believe him?

或者你立刻就相信了他？

No, I don't know.

不，我不知道。

I don't think that I immediately-- I just couldn't.

我不认为我会立即——我只是不能。

How do you take one day and compare it to three years?

您如何将一天与三年进行比较？

One of the classic stages of dying is denial, refusing to accept that you actually have AIDS, fervently believing that the doctor will step out of the lab and say, "Oh, sorry.

死亡的典型阶段之一就是否认，拒绝接受自己确实患有艾滋病，热切地相信医生会走出实验室说：“哦，对不起。

It's all been a big mistake.

这一切都是一个大错误。

You don't have AIDS." And that is precisely what happened to Charlene, after living as an HIV-positive woman for three years.

你没有艾滋病。”这正是夏琳身上发生的事情，她作为一名艾滋病毒阳性女性生活了三年。

It turned out that back when she first got tested for HIV, the woman at the county health department had deliberately lied to her, told Charlene she was HIV-positive when in fact, the test was negative.

原来，当她第一次接受艾滋病毒检测时，县卫生部门的那位女士故意对她撒谎，告诉夏琳她艾滋病毒呈阳性，而事实上，检测结果呈阴性。

She was hoping that Charlene would come to the little ministry church in town and be healed of both her lesbianism and her AIDS.

她希望夏琳能来到镇上的小事工教堂，治愈她的女同性恋和艾滋病。

Then, of course, she'd be a documented, verifiable miracle for Jesus.

那么，当然，她将成为耶稣的一个有记录的、可验证的奇迹。

I just broke down and just cried and cried and cried, and just couldn't believe it that I had been betrayed.

我崩溃了，哭啊哭啊哭，简直不敢相信我被背叛了。

And I really had been lied to, and that this whole illusion was created for religion, to prove a point, to get me to go to Hope Ministries, to convert from being a lesbian to being straight, and then probably to be set up to be retested again and be told I was negative.

我真的被骗了，这整个幻觉是为了宗教而创造的，为了证明一点，让我去希望事工，从女同性恋转变为异性恋，然后可能会被安排再次重新测试，并被告知我是阴性的。

It was more than just losing three years of my life.

这不仅仅是我生命中三年的损失。

There was a whole identity and a whole life built around a person with AIDS.

艾滋病患者有一个完整的身份和整个生活。

I have lived as a person with AIDS.

我作为一个艾滋病患者生活过。

It's the medications that were prescribed, the diagnosis, all the events that took place, AIDS Buddy, AIDS Interfaith, living positively.

这是开出的药物、诊断、发生的所有事件、艾滋病伙伴、艾滋病跨信仰、积极生活。

My whole life was lived as a person with AIDS.

我的一生都是作为艾滋病患者度过的。

The AIDS drugs were so powerful, they'd given her the symptoms of a person with AIDS.

艾滋病药物的威力如此之大，以至于让她出现了艾滋病患者的症状。

In addition to AZT, Charlene was fed very powerful steroids, which can bring on dementia-like states.

除了 AZT 之外，夏琳还服用了非常强效的类固醇，这可能会导致类似痴呆的状态。

But now she had to be weaned off her complicated drug regimen.

但现在她必须戒掉复杂的药物疗法。

Cold turkey would definitely kill her.

冷火鸡肯定会杀了她。

So she spent a year tapering off her prescription drugs until she could once again enter normal life.

因此，她花了一年的时间逐渐减少处方药的用量，直到能够再次进入正常生活。

But how does one do that?

但如何做到这一点呢？

When Charlene found out she was destined to die, she discovered huge institutions ready to help her, the church, the hospices, the AIDS buddy groups.

当夏琳发现自己注定要死时，她发现了很多准备帮助她的机构：教堂、临终关怀医院、艾滋病好友团体。

But now she was told to make a U-turn, to go back to the living, to abandon all her moribund friends, to forget the big philosophical questions and return to a life where she could buy a car and sweat out a mortgage, where she could take a lover safely and get annoyed with her, argue with her about the bills and feeding the dog and cleaning up after dinner and mowing in the back yard.

但现在她被告知要掉头，回到生活中，抛弃所有垂死的朋友，忘记重大的哲学问题，回到可以买车、汗流浃背抵押贷款的生活，在那里她可以安全地娶一个情人，然后生她的气，和她争论账单，喂狗，晚饭后打扫卫生，在后院割草。

Looking back on it all from a nice, cozy room in a new house in Connecticut, she said in many ways, it was easier dying.

她在康涅狄格州一栋新房子里漂亮、舒适的房间里回顾这一切，从很多方面来说，死亡更容易。

You know, you start letting go of life's little things that might have set you off or whatever.

你知道，你开始放弃生活中那些可能让你情绪低落的小事。

Those things in life seemed just so insignificant.

那些生活中的事情，看起来都是那么的微不足道。

There was something much bigger than that that was happening.

有比这更大的事情正在发生。

The work that it took to get to the edge, and to have gotten really to the end, essentially, to get that far and then to be pulled back.

到达边缘、真正到达终点所需要的努力，本质上是走到那么远，然后又被拉回来。

There was one part of me, that wait-- there's some simplicity here.

我的一部分就是等待——这里有一些简单。

There's some peacefulness here.

这里有一些平静。

There's no more insanity of the world and people's politics and people's pushiness, and their beliefs.

世界不再有疯狂，人们的政治、人们的咄咄逼人以及他们的信仰。

I work hard to keep my life simple today.

我今天努力工作，让自己的生活保持简单。

But I wanted to keep it as simple as it was in that preparation for dying.

但我想让它像为死亡做准备一样简单。

And you can't do that and live in the real world at the same time.

你不能一边这样做，一边生活在现实世界中。

Jack Hitt, who put that story together, is a contributing editor to This American Life.

杰克·希特 (Jack Hitt) 是《美国生活》(This American Life) 的特约编辑，他将这个故事整合在一起。

[MUSIC PLAYING - "CALIFORNIA" BY QUASI]

[音乐播放 - QUASI 的《加州》]

Coming up, the social uses of baby talk.

接下来是儿语的社交用途。

That's baby talk among adults.

这是大人之间的儿语。

Brace yourself, because it's just one minute away, from Public Radio International, when our program continues.

请做好准备，因为距国际公共广播电台仅一分钟路程，我们的节目仍在继续。

It's This American Life.

这就是美国生活。

I'm Ira Glass.

我是艾拉·格拉斯。

Each week on our program, of course, we choose a theme, invite a variety of writers and reporters to tackle that theme.

当然，我们每周的节目都会选择一个主题，邀请各种作家和记者来探讨该主题。

Today's program, Avoiding the High Cost of Living.

今天的节目，避免高生活成本。

These are stories-- I realize, actually, I've avoided saying this because when you say it out loud, it sounds so depressing.

这些都是故事——我意识到，实际上，我一直避免说这些，因为当你大声说出来时，听起来很令人沮丧。

These are stories about people who choose not to live every moment to the fullest, who choose to withdraw from life in some way, to make themselves numb, and stories about why that's sometimes the only choice possible.

这些故事讲述的是那些选择不让每时每刻都过得充实的人，他们选择以某种方式退出生活，让自己变得麻木，以及为什么有时这是唯一可能的选择的故事。

We've arrived at Act Two of our program, Act Two, How to Avoid the Difficulty of Living With Someone.

我们已经到了节目的第二幕，第二幕，如何避免与某人一起生活的困难。

"Cuteness," a friend with small children once said to me, "is what nature gives to our offspring so we don't kill them." Without cuteness, our species dies off.

一位有小孩的朋友曾经对我说：“可爱是大自然赋予我们后代的东西，这样我们就不会杀死他们。”没有可爱，我们这个物种就会消亡。

But then what is the function of cuteness among adults?

那么可爱对于成年人来说有什么作用呢？

Consider, please, the role of baby talk among adults.

请考虑一下儿语在成年人中的作用。

This is speech designed specifically and entirely for cuteness, shared in private.

这是专门为可爱而设计的演讲，私下分享。

And as I've said, our program today is about all the things that we do to actually avoid experiencing our own lives.

正如我所说，我们今天的节目是关于我们为实际上避免经历自己的生活而所做的所有事情。

I would argue that baby talk, cute speech, is one way that we do that.

我认为儿语、可爱的言语是我们做到这一点的一种方式。

People seldom discuss this in public.

人们很少在公开场合讨论这个问题。

Our own producer, Nancy Updike, and her boyfriend, Chicago journalist Adam Davidson, agreed to step forward and speak the truth about the issue.

我们自己的制片人南希·厄普代克和她的男友、芝加哥记者亚当·戴维森同意挺身而出，说出这个问题的真相。

You want a shortcut to the intimacy that used to come from just spending hours and hours talking to one another about our lives.

你想要一条通往亲密关系的捷径，而这种亲密关系过去只是花几个小时互相谈论我们的生活。

Because when you're first falling in love, that's the only thing that you do, and the only thing that you want to do.

因为当你第一次坠入爱河时，这是你唯一做的事情，也是你唯一想做的事情。

And you make as much time as possible for just talking to each other.

你们会腾出尽可能多的时间互相交谈。

And then as the relationship progresses and other things reassert themselves, work or friends or whatever it is, then you have less time together.

然后，随着关系的进展，其他事情（工作、朋友或其他事情）重新出现，你们在一起的时间就会减少。

And you want to get that intimacy.

而你想要获得那种亲密感。

And you don't have as much time.

而且你没有那么多时间。

So you're trying to sort of make a shortcut to it.

所以你试图找到一条捷径。

It happened so fast.

事情发生得太快了。

In Adam and Nancy's case, they'd be going out only three months when, like twins, or people in captivity, or deserted tribes on remote desert islands, they began developing their own private language.

就亚当和南希而言，他们只出去三个月，就像双胞胎、被囚禁的人、或偏远荒岛上的被遗弃的部落一样，他们就开始发展自己的私人语言。

At some point, they found that they were whispering to each other a lot.

在某个时刻，他们发现彼此窃窃私语了很多。

Well, I feel like that came about a lot on the phone, because Adam works at home.

嗯，我觉得电话里发生了很多事情，因为亚当在家工作。

So he calls me a lot during the day, and I call him, too.

所以他白天经常给我打电话，我也给他打电话。

And then we say, "Hi, how are you doing." And I'll say, "I got to go." And Adam will say, "No, don't go." And I'll say, "I have to go." "No, don't go." "But I have to go." "No."

然后我们说：“嗨，你好吗？”我会说：“我得走了。”亚当会说：“不，别去。”我会说：“我得走了。” “不，别走。” “但我必须走了。” “不。”

The whispering, yeah.

窃窃私语，是的。

Nancy Updike There's whispering.

南希·厄普代克：有窃窃私语。

But it's also like baby talk, like, "No, don't want you to go." "Don't go." "Must go." "Don't go."

但这也就像儿语，比如“不，不想让你走。” “别走。” “必须走。” “别走。”

And so you're doing that.

所以你正在这样做。

So that starts on the phone, but then you find that it starts to creep to other areas of your life as well?

那么这一切都是从手机开始的，但随后你发现它也开始蔓延到你生活的其他领域？

Right.

正确的。

If you wanted to record baby talk, you'd want to put a mic over our bed when we're going to sleep, because that's when we do it the most.

如果您想录制儿语，您需要在我们睡觉时在我们的床上放一个麦克风，因为那是我们做最多的时候。

And then it's not baby talk, but it's hitting.

然后这不是儿戏，而是打击。

There's a lot of--

有很多——

Oh, this is a classic.

哦，这真是经典。

Ira Glass I should just say that you just sort of hit her.

艾拉·格拉斯（Ira Glass）我应该说你只是打了她。

I don't know how to describe--

我不知道如何描述——

But in a very sort of kid way to hit.

但以一种非常孩子气的方式击球。

Not like you'd punch someone.

不像你会打别人。

I'd come home at the end of the day and maybe turn on the TV.

我会在一天结束时回到家，也许会打开电视。

We're eating dinner and watching TV.

我们一边吃晚饭一边看电视。

And we're kind of quiet.

我们有点安静。

And then all the sudden, Adam would just reach out and hit me a little bit.

然后突然间，亚当会伸出手来打我一下。

He'd be like "I like you." It was like you would do in first grade.

他会说“我喜欢你”。就像你一年级时会做的那样。

And of course, now I hit back.

当然，现在我反击了。

And I yell, "I like you."

我大喊：“我喜欢你。”

And that's another whole voice, which is different, like, "I like you." Like I'd be operating the thermostat.

那是另一个完整的声音，不同的，就像，“我喜欢你。”就像我会操作恒温器一样。

And Nancy would be like, "Could you turn it down?" And I'd say, "No, it's too cold." And she'd be like, "No, it's the other cold.

南希会说：“你能拒绝吗？”我会说：“不，太冷了。”她会说：“不，这是另一种感冒。

It's too hot." And that's a whole genre.

太热了。”这就是一个完整的流派。

Did you mean "turn it up"?

您指的是“turn it up”吗？

"No, I meant the other up, down!" This is definitely the most embarrassing thing that I've ever talked about in public, without any question in my mind.

“不，我的意思是另一个向上，向下！”这绝对是我在公开场合谈论过的最尴尬的事情，心里没有任何疑问。

What's amazing is that you talk about sex in public.

令人惊奇的是你在公共场合谈论性。

You talk about money in public.

你在公共场合谈论金钱。

But this, why this?

但这，为什么是这样？

Because it's completely uncool.

因为它完全不酷。

There's nothing cool about it.

这没什么酷的。

There's no way to make it cool.

没有办法让它变酷。

You can be outrageous about sex.

你可能对性行为感到愤怒。

Or you can make fun of either having a lot of money or having no money.

或者你可以取笑“有很多钱”或“没有钱”。

There are ways that you can talk about those things that you can preserve some corner of dignity.

您可以通过多种方式谈论这些事情，从而保留一些尊严。

But baby talk is completely without any cool or dignity or any sort of redeeming social value.

但儿语完全没有任何冷静、尊严或任何补偿性的社会价值。

It is truly a dirty little secret, much more than sex.

这确实是一个肮脏的小秘密，比性更重要。

And it happens in this protected space, namely privacy.

它发生在这个受保护的空间，即隐私。

Right, right, exactly.

对对对，完全正确。

And it's a bit strange, because it's this very performative speech.

这有点奇怪，因为这是一次非常表演性的演讲。

It is a performance.

这是一场表演。

It's like kabuki.

就像歌舞伎一样。

You do it the same way every time.

你每次都以同样的方式做。

And everyone knows the next move.

每个人都知道下一步的行动。

But it's this performance for one person.

但这是一个人的表演。

And then there was this thing where one of us was nicknamed "Schnookie."

然后我们中的一个人被昵称为“Schnookie”。

Nancy would always know which one was, and I would always forget who--

南希总是知道哪一个是哪一个，而我总是忘记是谁——

Well, there was-- OK, if we're going to do this--

嗯，有——好吧，如果我们要这样做的话——

One of you had a nickname.

你们中的一个人有一个绰号。

And there were only two of you in the relationship, and you couldn't remember which was which?

而且你们的关系只有两个人，你不记得哪个是哪个？

No, no, no. One was Schnookie.

不，不，不。其中之一是施努基。

And then the other one, of course, it's Schlumpy.

当然，还有另一位，那就是施伦皮。

Because one of you is Schnookie, so logically, the other one must be Schlumpy.

因为你们其中一个是Schnookie，所以按理来说，另一个一定是Schlumpy。

Tears of embarrassment are springing to my eyes.

我的眼里涌出羞愧的泪水。

But then that becomes a whole thing.

但随后这就变成了一个完整的事情。

Like, "No, wait, are you Schnookie?

就像，“不，等等，你是 Schnookie 吗？

Hey, Schnook.

嘿，施努克。

G'night, Schnook."

晚安，施努克。”

I remember that we were lying in bed together.

我记得我们一起躺在床上。

And we were going back and forth.

我们来来回回。

We were just talking before going to sleep.

我们只是在睡觉前聊天。

And we were going back and forth in one of the ways that we had at that time.

我们以当时的方式之一来回走动。

"You're taking the covers." "No, you." "I want that blanket.

“你抢了被子。” “不，你。” “我想要那条毯子。

No, that blanket, the other blanket, the one blanket." "Come here, Schlumpy." "Oh, Schnookie." Whatever it was.

不，那条毯子，另一条毯子，那一条毯子。” “过来，施伦皮。” “哦，施努基。”不管是什么。

And I just felt like I was going to cry.

我只是觉得我要哭了。

I just felt so full of despair.

我只是感到如此绝望。

And I said, "Can we stop talking this way?" And then, what did you say?

我说：“我们能停止这样说话吗？”然后，你说什么？

Well, I remember feeling like been a tough few weeks.

嗯，我记得那几周感觉很艰难。

Each of us had had a lot of tough times in work, and didn't have a lot of time together, because we were so busy.

我们每个人都在工作中度过了很多艰难的时期，并且没有很多时间在一起，因为我们太忙了。

And I remember it had been days of just me feeling like, "I don't even know her, and she doesn't know--" And when you're that close, you just feel like, "I don't know me."

我记得那几天只有我一个人感觉，“我什至不认识她，她也不知道——”当你们如此接近时，你只是感觉，“我不认识我。”

And I just had wanted to say something about this baby talk for so long.

我一直想就这个儿语说点什么。

But first of all, I couldn't think to say anything outside of baby talk.

但首先，我想不出除了儿语之外还能说什么。

And second of all, I thought it would really hurt her.

其次，我认为这真的会伤害她。

And so when she said it, it was just, what a relief.

所以当她说出这句话时，我真的松了一口气。

And I remember beginning to talk like, "You're right.

我记得我开始这样说：“你是对的。

We should talk in a serious way." And it was like finding a new mouth and finding a new tongue and finding a new way of moving all of it and expressing myself that felt, in a way, more false than the baby talk, just because it felt unpracticed and artificial and deliberate.

我们应该严肃地谈谈。”这就像找到了一张新嘴，找到了一条新舌头，找到了一种新的方式来移动所有的一切并表达自己，在某种程度上，这感觉比儿语更虚假，只是因为它感觉不经实践、做作和故意。

You know, when you're in a couple, you're both actually in a couple.

你知道，当你们在一起时，你们实际上都是情侣。

And then you're pretending to be in a couple at the same time.

然后你们同时假装是情侣。

Yeah, totally.

是的，完全可以。

Yeah, we've talked about this.

是的，我们已经讨论过这个了。

You have?

你有吗？

What do you say?

你怎么说？

Adam Davidson I think it's really nice to pretend sometimes.

亚当·戴维森（Adam Davidson）我认为有时假装真的很好。

Like sometimes, being in a mature relationship is just not what I want to do, because pretending does have its advantages sometimes.

就像有时一样，处于成熟的关系中并不是我想要做的，因为假装有时确实有它的好处。

Pretending does let you avoid things for a couple days, which sometimes is what you need and is OK.

假装确实可以让你在几天内避免一些事情，有时这正是你所需要的，而且是可以的。

I think fake intimacy that seems real is much easier, and it's much more seamless.

我认为看似真实的虚假亲密要容易得多，而且更加无缝。

Because there's nothing to disrupt the flow of it.

因为没有什么可以扰乱它的流动。

You never get angry, and you never hate each other.

你们从不生气，也从不憎恨对方。

And you're never just annoyed.

而且你永远不会只是生气。

And you're never bored.

而且你永远不会感到无聊。

And you're never anything that would interrupt that readout of intimacy.

而且你永远不会是任何会打断亲密关系的人。

Nothing like that ever happens.

从来没有发生过这样的事情。

And then, yeah, it's easier to pretend to be a happy couple than to be a happy couple.

然后，是的，假装是一对幸福的情侣比成为幸福的情侣更容易。

It's easier to baby talk.

婴儿说话更容易。

Nancy Updike Yeah.

南希·厄普代克是的。

Yeah.

是的。

Ira Glass Did you feel and do you feel that you're actually in danger, that there's something that you could lose?

艾拉·格拉斯（Ira Glass）：您是否感觉自己确实处于危险之中，感觉可能会失去某些东西？

Yes, definitely.

是的，绝对是。

Ira Glass And what is the thing that you could lose?

Ira Glass 那么你可能会失去什么？

The actual the substance of the relationship.

关系的实际实质。

That sounds too cold, but I felt like I'm losing this person that I fell in love with and that I am in love with.

这听起来太冷了，但我感觉我正在失去这个我所爱的人和我所爱的人。

When I'm in that kind of baby talk, pretend intimacy, it's impossible to imagine real intimacy and real connection, or just a real conversation.

当我处于那种儿语、假装亲密的状态时，我不可能想象真正的亲密和真正的联系，或者只是一次真正的对话。

Even in my mind, I think of it through that baby talk.

即使在我的脑海里，我也会通过那句儿语来思考它。

Just remembering, real conversations are suddenly baby talk conversations.

请记住，真正的对话突然变成了儿语对话。

"I want a good relationship." "No, I want a good relationship."

“我想要良好的关系。” “不，我想要良好的关系。”

Well, I remember when this happened, the first time it happened, because of course, now it happens twice a week.

嗯，我记得这是什么时候发生的，第一次发生，因为当然，现在每周发生两次。

It happens twice a week that you actually have to say, "Oh, wait, now I will be an adult again"?

每周都会发生两次，你实际上不得不说，“哦，等等，现在我又变成成年人了”？

Oh, that's so interesting.

哦，那太有趣了。

You mean that the pull of this sort of fakey--

你的意思是这种假货的吸引力——

No, it 's a chronic condition, definitely.

不，这绝对是一种慢性病。

It's like TB.

就像结核病一样。

Once you test positive, you have to always watch for it.

一旦检测结果呈阳性，您就必须时刻注意。

Because it's just like a warm bath.

因为这就像洗个热水澡一样。

It's the easiest thing in the world to do.

这是世界上最容易做的事情。

It's just like falling down and just hitting the ground.

就像摔倒然后撞到地面一样。

It's like a vaudeville routine that the two have you been doing together for 30 years.

这就像你们两人一起表演了 30 年的杂耍表演。

He says his line.

他说他的台词。

You say your line.

你说你的台词。

The audience laughs.

观众笑了。

Everything happens the way it's supposed to.

一切都按照它应该发生的方式发生。

[MUSIC PLAYING - "BABY TALK" BY BILLY IDOL]

[音乐播放 - BILLY IDOL 的“宝宝语”]

Act Three, How to Avoid Everything.

第三幕，如何避免一切。

It's possible to turn off your emotions and go into autopilot for brief periods with the person you love.

你可以关闭自己的情绪，与你所爱的人一起短暂地进入自动驾驶状态。

And it's also possible to shut your feelings down completely, as in this memoir from writer Dani Shapiro.

正如作家丹尼·夏皮罗 (Dani Shapiro) 的回忆录所示，你也可以完全压抑自己的感受。

Here, in no particular order, are some things Lenny told me.

以下是莱尼告诉我的一些事情，排名不分先后。

That he and his wife didn't sleep in the same bed, that they hadn't had a real marriage in years.

他和他的妻子没有睡在同一张床上，他们已经很多年没有真正的婚姻了。

That she was undergoing electroshock treatment in a clinic outside Philadelphia.

她正在费城郊外的一家诊所接受电击治疗。

That he had cancer and had to fly to Houston three days a week for chemotherapy.

他患有癌症，每周必须飞往休斯敦三天接受化疗。

That his youngest daughter, age three, had a rare form of childhood leukemia.

他三岁的小女儿患有一种罕见的儿童白血病。

That he could not get a divorce for all of the above reasons.

由于上述所有原因，他无法离婚。

That he was heartbroken that he could not leave his wife and marry me.

他因无法离开他的妻子并嫁给我而伤心欲绝。

For a long time, I believed him.

很长一段时间，我都相信他。

With every bone in my body, I trusted that Lenny Klein was telling me the truth.

我全身上下都相信莱尼·克莱因说的是实话。

When we talked about it, his jaw would tighten, and his big brown eyes would fill with tears.

当我们谈论这件事时，他的下巴会绷紧，棕色的大眼睛里充满了泪水。

His voice would quaver with pent-up, complex feelings that I couldn't possibly begin to understand.

他的声音因压抑而颤抖，复杂的情感让我无法理解。

Poor Lenny.

可怜的莱尼。

I marveled that so many bad things could happen to one person.

我很惊讶一个人会发生这么多坏事。

And I vowed to take care of him.

我也发誓要照顾他。

Writing late at night in my extensive journals, I exhorted myself to be a real woman, one who could step up to the plate and be good to her man in his moment of crisis.

深夜，我在我的大量日记中写下，告诫自己要成为一名真正的女人，一个能够挺身而出，在丈夫危机时刻善待他的女人。

Years later, I hold Lenny's lies up to the light and examine my own reasons for believing what, in retrospect, seems preposterous.

多年后，我将莱尼的谎言暴露在光天化日之下，并审视自己相信那些事后看来似乎荒谬的事情的理由。

I reread my old journals and notice the way my girlish handwriting deteriorated into a scrawl as I wrote, "I have to be there for Lenny.

我重读了我的旧日记，注意到我少女般的笔迹已经变成了潦草的字迹，我写道：“我必须在莱尼身边。

He needs me, and he's going through so much.

他需要我，而他正在经历很多事情。

I don't know if I can handle it, but I have to be strong." I try to remember that Lenny was a trial lawyer, that he built an international reputation based on his own pathology, that he lied with an almost evangelical conviction.

我不知道我是否能应付，但我必须坚强。”我试图记住莱尼是一名出庭律师，他根据自己的病理学建立了国际声誉，他以近乎福音派的信念撒谎。

He prided himself on being able to convince anyone of anything.

他为自己能够说服任何人相信任何事情而感到自豪。

Paris, 1985.

巴黎，1985 年。

We are walking along the Boulevard Saint-Germain on a cloudless spring day.

在一个万里无云的春日，我们沿着圣日耳曼大道漫步。

The rooftops of the Left Bank are creamy against a rare blue sky.

左岸的屋顶在罕见的蓝天映衬下呈奶油色。

And the air outside Cafe Flore smells of croissants and the acrid smoke of Gitane.

弗洛尔咖啡馆外面的空气中弥漫着羊角面包和吉塔尼刺鼻烟味的味道。

But I don't notice.

但我没注意到。

In Paris, in 1985, I only see what is within one square foot of me, too busy feeling the complicated stew of sensations being with Lenny provokes.

1985 年，在巴黎，我只能看到自己一平方英尺之内的东西，忙于感受与莱尼在一起所引发的复杂感觉。

I am hung over, floating on a wave of last night's Puligny-Montrachet and a four star dinner that wound up in the toilet of the Hotel Ritz.

我宿醉了，沉浸在昨晚的普利尼蒙哈榭酒和丽兹酒店厕所里的四星级晚餐中。

Lenny's arm is around me, thick and proprietary.

莱尼的手臂搂着我，粗壮而专有。

I have not read a newspaper or spoken to a soul other than Lenny for weeks now.

我已经好几个星期没有读过报纸了，也没有和莱尼以外的人说过话。

I've been living the kind of unbelievable life people glide through in airport novels.

我一直过着机场小说中人们难以置信的生活。

We have been to London, Monte Carlo, the Cote d'Azur.

我们去过伦敦、蒙特卡洛、蔚蓝海岸。

I have played blackjack in private clubs with oil sheiks, who asked me to blow on their dice for good luck.

我曾在私人俱乐部与石油酋长一起玩二十一点，他们让我吹响他们的骰子以求好运。

I wear dark glasses and haute couture suits, a gold watch, and a long, thick strand of pearls.

我戴着墨镜，穿着高级时装套装，戴着金表，戴着一串又长又粗的珍珠。

I have no idea who I am.

我不知道我是谁。

Lenny steers us onto a narrow side street off the Boulevard Saint-Germain and into a children's clothing store, filled with embroidered dresses my mother used to buy me as a child.

莱尼带我们走上圣日耳曼大道旁的一条狭窄小巷，走进一家童装店，里面摆满了我小时候妈妈给我买的绣花裙子。

He tells me he wants to buy a dress for his youngest daughter, the one with the rare form of leukemia.

他告诉我，他想为他最小的女儿买一件衣服，她患有罕见的白血病。

I help him look through racks of tiny dresses suitable for a three-year-old until we find one he deems perfect, a pale, yellow silk smock with a Peter Pan collar.

我帮他翻阅货架上适合三岁孩子穿的小裙子，直到找到一件他认为完美的，一件带有彼得潘领的浅黄色丝绸罩衫。

He holds it up to the sunlight, and his eyes fill with tears.

他把它举到阳光下，眼里充满了泪水。

"She'll never live to outgrow this dress," he whispers, "my baby girl." He has layered his lies one on top of the other until they have become opaque, an elaborate construction resembling reality.

“她永远不会长大就穿不下这件衣服了，”他低声说道，“我的宝贝女儿。”他将谎言一层层叠加，直到它们变得不透明，这是一种类似于现实的精心构建。

He is fond of quoting probably the only line he knows from Franz Kafka.

他喜欢引用可能是他所知道的弗兰茨·卡夫卡的唯一一句话。

"White is black, and black is white," he often says with a sigh.

“白就是黑，黑就是白。”他常常感叹道。

I never knew exactly what he meant by this.

我一直不明白他这句话的确切含义。

But it seemed to have a lot to do with my life at the time.

但这似乎与我当时的生活有很大关系。

The lies had small beginnings.

这些谎言都是从小事开始的。

Lenny called me from a business trip and told me he was at Montreal Airport, waiting to catch a flight to Calgary.

莱尼出差给我打电话，告诉我他在蒙特利尔机场，等待搭乘飞往卡尔加里的航班。

I checked with the airline and found out that the flight would take approximately five hours.

我向航空公司查询，发现航班大约需要五个小时。

So when Lenny called an hour later to say he had landed in Calgary, I very calmly asked him where he really was.

因此，当一个小时后莱尼打电话说他已经降落在卡尔加里时，我非常平静地问他到底在哪里。

"Calgary," he said.

“卡尔加里，”他说。

"No, Lenny, really." He stuck to his story.

“不，莱尼，真的。”他坚持自己的故事。

In the time that I knew him, he never, ever changed his story midstream.

在我认识他的时候，他从来没有中途改变过他的故事。

I hung up on him and called his family's house in Westchester.

我挂断了他的电话，给他位于韦斯特切斯特的家打了电话。

When the maid answered the phone, I asked to speak with Mr. Klein.

当女仆接电话时，我要求与克莱因先生通话。

And when he picked up the extension, and I heard his rough, craggy "Hello," I screamed so hard into his ear that he dropped the receiver.

当他拿起分机时，我听到他粗声粗气的“你好”，我对着他的耳朵大声尖叫，以至于他掉下了听筒。

He raced into the city.

他飞奔进城。

He let himself into my apartment and found me curled up in bed.

他走进我的公寓，发现我蜷缩在床上。

He scooped me up and held me to his chest.

他把我抱起来，抱在胸前。

His wife wasn't home, he told me.

他告诉我，他的妻子不在家。

She was having shock treatment.

她正在接受休克治疗。

And someone had to take care of his daughter.

而且必须有人照顾他的女儿。

He hadn't wanted to tell me because he'd wanted to spare me, to protect me from the horror of his life.

他不想告诉我，因为他想饶恕我，保护我免受他生活中的恐惧。

Surely I understood.

我当然明白了。

"Shh, sweetheart," he murmured into the top of my head as I wept, my face beet red like a little girl's.

“嘘，亲爱的，”当我哭泣时，他对着我的头顶低声说道，我的脸红得像个小女孩。

"So many people need me," he said, "But I love you best of all."

“很多人需要我，”他说，“但我最爱你。”

Two years have passed, and something has gone wrong, terribly wrong, with my life.

两年过去了，我的生活出了问题，非常糟糕。

I don't, in fact, think of my life as "my life," but rather as a series of random events that have no logical connection.

事实上，我并不认为我的生活是“我的生活”，而是一系列没有逻辑联系的随机事件。

I am no longer a student.

我不再是学生了。

I dropped out of Sarah Lawrence after my junior year, supposedly to pursue acting.

大三后我从莎拉·劳伦斯学院退学，据说是为了追求演艺事业。

And I'm actually doing a pretty good imitation of an actress.

事实上我正在很好地模仿一位女演员。

But I'm doing an even better imitation of a mistress.

但我正在更好地模仿情妇。

Lenny's been busy buying me things.

莱尼一直忙着给我买东西。

I don't particularly want these things, but they seem to be what Lenny is offering in lieu of himself.

我并不是特别想要这些东西，但它们似乎是莱尼代替他自己提供的。

So quite suddenly, overnight really, I find myself driving a black Mercedes convertible.

突然之间，真的是一夜之间，我发现自己驾驶着一辆黑色梅赛德斯敞篷车。

And just in case I might be mistaken for anything other than a kept woman, I wear a mink coat, a Cartier watch, a Bulgari necklace with an ancient coin at its center.

为了以防万一我可能被误认为是一个被包养的女人，我穿了一件貂皮大衣、一块卡地亚手表、一条宝格丽项链，项链中央有一枚古钱币。

The Mercedes is a step down from the first car Lenny gave me when we had been going out for a month, a leased Ferrari.

与我们外出一个月时莱尼给我的第一辆车（租来的法拉利）相比，奔驰车的地位要低一些。

I don't know how to drive a stick shift, so the Ferrari was a bit of a problem.

我不知道如何驾驶变速杆，所以法拉利有点问题。

What I must have looked like, a 20-year-old blonde dressed like Ivana Trump, stalled in traffic, grinding gears, trying to find the point on the clutch to hold that ridiculous car in place.

我当时的样子肯定是这样的，一个 20 岁的金发女郎，打扮得像伊万娜·特朗普 (Ivana Trump)，在车流中陷入困境，磨着齿轮，试图找到离合器上的点来将那辆可笑的汽车固定到位。

Lenny rented an apartment on a pretty little street in Greenwich Village, a furnished triplex with a garden, a fireplace, and a bedroom with a four-poster bed.

莱尼在格林威治村一条漂亮的小街上租了一套公寓，是一套带家具的三层公寓，配有花园、壁炉和一间配有四柱床的卧室。

He called it "our house," as if he didn't have another home with a whole family in it an hour north of the city.

他称其为“我们的房子”，就好像他在距城市以北一小时车程的地方没有另一处全家人居住的家一样。

He kept half a dozen suits in the bedroom closet, and a brand new silk robe hung behind the bathroom door.

他在卧室衣柜里放了六套西装，浴室门后挂着一件全新的丝绸长袍。

There was an entire floor we didn't use, a large, airy children's nursery.

有一整层楼我们没有使用，是一个宽敞通风的儿童托儿所。

My parents knew that something was up.

我的父母知道出事了。

They knew I was going out with somebody, but they had no idea who.

他们知道我要和某人约会，但他们不知道是谁。

I was drifting away from them.

我渐渐远离了他们。

And they were letting me go.

他们让我走了。

One night, I invited them over for dinner.

一天晚上，我邀请他们来吃晚饭。

I pushed all traces of Lenny out of sight.

我把莱尼的所有踪迹都抹到了视线之外。

But of course, there were clues, a glossy brochure for Italian yachts, a humidor in the center of the coffee table, a man's Burberry overcoat on a hook near the front door.

但当然，还是有线索的，一本光滑的意大利游艇手册，咖啡桌中央的雪茄盒，前门附近的挂钩上挂着一件巴宝莉男士大衣。

I cooked up a storm, and the place was filled with homey smells-- garlic, basil, coriander.

我做了一场风暴，这个地方充满了家的味道——大蒜、罗勒、香菜。

It was winter, and the snow was piled up on the sills.

那是冬天，窗台上堆满了雪。

Spotlights in the back yard shone on the landscaped garden, the redwood table, the Adirondack chairs, and the huge, terra cotta pots of last spring's dead geraniums.

后院的聚光灯照在风景优美的花园、红木桌子、阿迪朗达克椅子和去年春天死去的天竺葵的巨大赤土盆上。

I had my father's favorite music, Dvorak's Symphony for the New World, playing on the stereo system.

音响系统上播放着我父亲最喜欢的音乐——德沃夏克的《新世界交响曲》。

[MUSIC PLAYING - "SYMPHONY NO. 9" BY ANTONIN DVORAK]

[音乐播放 - 安东尼·德沃拉克《第九交响曲》]

My parents rang the doorbell.

我的父母按响了门铃。

They looked so solid standing on my front stoop, their cold, red noses poking out from above their mufflers.

他们站在我家门前的门廊上，看起来很坚固，冰冷、红红的鼻子从围巾上方伸出来。

If nothing else, they looked like they belonged together.

如果不出意外的话，他们看起来就像是一体的。

They were elegant and rangy, similarly proportioned, unlike Lenny and me.

他们优雅而修长，比例相似，与莱尼和我不同。

Lenny is thick as a linebacker, and I had become so delicate, the wind could have picked me up and blown me away.

莱尼像后卫一样厚实，而我却变得如此脆弱，风可能会把我卷起并吹走。

My mother strode into the brownstone as if it wasn't the weirdest thing in the world to be visiting her daughter in a lavish apartment with no name on the outside buzzer.

我母亲大步走进褐砂石建筑，仿佛在一间豪华公寓里看望她的女儿，外面的蜂鸣器上没有名字，这并不是世界上最奇怪的事情。

My father trailed behind her wearily, as if setting foot on another planet.

父亲疲倦地跟在她身后，仿佛踏上了另一个星球。

My mother entered the living room, flung her arms wide, and did an impromptu dance to Dvorak.

我母亲走进客厅，张开双臂，即兴为德沃夏克跳了一支舞。

"Tra-la-la-la," she trilled.

“特拉-拉-拉-拉，”她颤声说道。

My father and I hung back and watched, our faces crumpled into awkward smiles.

我和父亲停下来看着，我们的脸上都露出了尴尬的微笑。

We were used to it.

我们已经习惯了。

In every family, there is room for only one Sarah Bernhardt, and my mother had assumed that role.

每个家庭里都只有一个莎拉·伯恩哈特，而我母亲就承担了这个角色。

It didn't occur to me that she was frightened, that this was a lot for her to take in, her college dropout daughter living in the lap of luxury.

我没有想到她感到害怕，没有想到这对她来说意味着很多，因为她大学辍学的女儿生活在奢侈的怀抱里。

All I could see was her outsized self twirling around my living room in her fur coat and boots.

我只能看到她穿着毛皮大衣和靴子在我的客厅里转来转去。

I wanted a drink.

我想喝一杯。

I walked over to my mother and put a hand on her shoulder, and she spun to a halt.

我走到妈妈身边，把手放在她的肩膀上，她猛地停了下来。

I took her coat and my father's and hung them above Lenny's raincoat by the front door.

我拿起她的外套和我父亲的外套，把它们挂在前门莱尼的雨衣上面。

For the first time, I noticed there was a wreath made of twigs, a bit of Americana, on the wall near the kitchen.

我第一次注意到厨房附近的墙上有一个用树枝制成的花环，有点美国风格。

And I wondered if I could remove it quickly before my father saw it.

我想知道我是否可以在父亲看到它之前迅速将其移除。

Wreaths under any circumstances are as goyishe as it gets.

在任何情况下，花圈都是戈伊什。

Which would be worse for my father, imagining that I was with some powerful guy old enough to be my father, or the possibility that the guy wasn't Jewish?

对于我的父亲来说，哪一个会更糟糕，想象我和一个年龄足以成为我父亲的有权有势的人在一起，或者这个人可能不是犹太人？

I wished I could reassure him, yes Daddy, he's Jewish.

我希望我能让他放心，是的，爸爸，他是犹太人。

23 years older than me, a pathological liar, married to a woman who knows nothing of me, and a Jew.

比我大23岁，一个病态的骗子，嫁给了一个对我一无所知的女人，而且是一个犹太人。

I poured myself two glasses of chardonnay for my parents and a large vodka for myself.

我给父母倒了两杯霞多丽，给自己倒了一大杯伏特加。

I figured that if the vodka was in a water glass, they wouldn't know the difference, especially if I drank it like it was water.

我想如果伏特加装在水杯里，他们就不会知道其中的区别，特别是如果我像喝水一样喝它的话。

My drinking had taken on a new urgency in the past few months.

在过去的几个月里，我的饮酒变得更加紧迫。

It was no longer a question of desire, but of need.

这不再是欲望的问题，而是需要的问题。

I could not get through an evening like this without the armor of booze.

如果没有酒的铠甲，我无法度过这样的一个夜晚。

I handed them their wine and directed them to the couch.

我把酒递给他们，然后引导他们到沙发上。

On the coffee table, I had put out a plate of crudites and a bowl of olives.

咖啡桌上，我放了一盘蔬菜和一碗橄榄。

"Quite a place," my mother said brightly, her gaze darting around the room at the white brick fireplace with its wrought iron tools, the glass wall overlooking the garden, the soaring ceiling.

“真是一个地方，”我母亲明亮地说，她的目光扫视着房间里的白砖壁炉和锻铁工具，俯瞰着花园的玻璃墙，还有高耸的天花板。

My father stared at the fringe of the rug, glassy-eyed.

我父亲目光呆滞地盯着地毯的边缘。

He needed to be as numbed as I did to get through this night.

他需要像我一样麻木才能度过这个夜晚。

"Thanks," I murmured, as if she was paying me a compliment.

“谢谢。”我低声说道，好像她在恭维我。

I checked on dinner, using the opportunity to gulp some wine from the open bottle in the fridge.

我检查了晚餐，趁机喝了冰箱里开着的酒瓶里的一些酒。

Vodka and white wine was a combination I knew worked for me.

我知道伏特加和白葡萄酒的组合对我很有效。

If I stuck with the formula, things shouldn't be too bad in the morning, especially if I wasn't eating.

如果我坚持使用配方奶粉，早上的情况应该不会太糟糕，特别是如果我不吃东西的话。

And I couldn't see myself eating.

而且我看不到自己吃东西。

The music had stopped by the time we all sat at the dining room table, but I didn't notice then.

当我们都坐在餐桌旁时，音乐已经停止了，但我当时没有注意到。

If I had, I would certainly have changed the tape, filled the air with something other than the tinny, lonely sound of our three forks scraping against plates.

如果我有的话，我肯定会更换磁带，让空气中充满其他东西，而不是我们的三个叉子刮擦盘子时发出的微弱而孤独的声音。

I pushed my chicken from one side of my plate to the other.

我把鸡肉从盘子的一侧推到另一侧。

My stomach clenched and growled in protest.

我的胃紧缩起来，发出抗议的叫声。

It seems that my parents and I, after 22 years in each other's company, had run out of things to say.

我和父母在彼此陪伴了22年之后，似乎已经无话可说了。

I already knew their views on the political situation in Israel.

我已经了解他们对以色列政治局势的看法。

And we couldn't discuss my school work.

我们也不能讨论我的学业。

I was no longer in school.

我已经不在学校了。

My father pressed a corner of his napkin to his lips and murmured something about the food being delicious.

父亲将餐巾的一角抵在嘴唇上，低声说食物很美味。

My mother agreed.

我妈妈同意了。

"My wonderful daughter," she said, shaking her head, "You've turned into such a little homemaker." I looked at my parents across the table.

“我的好女儿，”她摇着头说，“你已经变成了一个小家庭主妇。”我看着桌子对面的父母。

Is that what they really thought?

他们真的是这么想的吗？

How could they just sit there?

他们怎么能坐在那里？

Some small piece of me wanted my father to fling me over his shoulder and carry me, kicking and screaming, to the car he had parked outside.

我心里的某个小部分希望父亲把我扔到他的肩上，把我踢着、尖叫着带到他停在外面的车上。

I secretly wished that they would drive me home, deposit me in my childhood bedroom, and feed me chicken soup and saltines.

我暗自希望他们能开车送我回家，把我安置在我儿时的卧室里，给我喝鸡汤和咸饼干。

I wanted to start my life over again, but I didn't know how.

我想重新开始我的生活，但我不知道如何开始。

In the face of the most tangible proof that Lenny had been lying to me all these years, I remained with him.

面对莱尼这些年来一直在对我撒谎的最确凿的证据，我仍然和他在一起。

"My little girl is dying," he would say whenever I noticed the discrepancies in his stories, or, "My children's mother is having electroshock therapy." When I couldn't take my own confusion anymore-- was Lenny lying to me?

每当我注意到他的故事中的差异时，他就会说：“我的小女儿快要死了，”或者“我孩子的母亲正在接受电击治疗。”当我再也无法忍受自己的困惑时——莱尼在骗我吗？

Was I going crazy?

我疯了吗？

I decided to hire a detective to get to the bottom of it.

我决定聘请一名侦探来查明真相。

By this time, my parents knew all about me and Lenny in theory, but it wasn't something we could talk about.

When I think back to my younger self rifling through the New York City Yellow Pages in search of a private investigator, I feel like I'm watching a movie about someone else, a girl so clueless, she really didn't know that her desire to hire a detective was all the answer she needed.

当我回想起年轻时翻阅纽约市黄页寻找私家侦探的情景时，我感觉自己正在看一部关于别人的电影，一个如此无知的女孩，她真的不知道她想要雇用一名侦探的愿望就是她所需要的全部答案。

I chose a detective agency based on nothing more than its good address in the east 60s, a neighborhood filled with private schools and shrinks.

"This isn't what you think," I told the detective.

“这不是你想的那样，”我告诉侦探。

"I'm in a relationship with a married man, and I want you to find out if my boyfriend is cheating on me with his wife." At this, his eyebrows shot up.

“我正在和一个已婚男人谈恋爱，我想让你知道我的男朋友是否和他的妻子一起欺骗了我。”说到这里，他的眉毛扬了起来。

"Come again?"

“再来一次？”

"He claims his wife is in a mental hospital.

“他声称他的妻子在精神病院里。

He told me he hasn't been with her in years." "And you think he might be lying," said the investigator.

他告诉我他已经很多年没有和她在一起了。” “你认为他可能在撒谎，”调查员说。

Did I see the laughter behind his eyes, or is my memory supplying it now?

我是否看到了他眼底的笑声，或者我的记忆现在提供了它？

Because I simply cannot imagine a middle-aged man listening to an earnest, overdressed 22-year-old girl tell him that she thinks her boyfriend might still be sleeping with his wife.

因为我根本无法想象一个中年男人会听一个认真、衣冠楚楚的 22 岁女孩告诉他，她认为她的男朋友可能还在和他的妻子睡觉。

"Yes," I said.

“是的，”我说。

Days later, I got the proof about Lenny's lies.

几天后，我得到了莱尼谎言的证据。

In tears, I called my mother.

我流着泪给妈妈打电话。

"Oh, darling, I'm so sorry.

Is there anything I can do?" "I don't think so." A pause.

有什么我可以做的吗？” “我不这么认为。”停顿一下。

"Do you want me to call his wife?" My mother and Mrs. Klein had met each other at a few school functions back when none of this could have struck anyone as a remote possibility.

“要我给他老婆打电话吗？” My mother and Mrs. Klein had met each other at a few school functions back when none of this could have struck anyone as a remote possibility.

"Yes," I said, "Call her." "I'll do it right now," my mother said.

“是的，”我说，“给她打电话。” “我现在就做，”妈妈说。

I sat by the phone and watched the minutes tick by.

我坐在电话旁，看着时间一分一秒过去。

I pictured Lenny's wife answering the phone with a chirpy hello, and my mother's slow, steady explanation of why she was calling.

我想象着莱尼的妻子接电话时轻快地打招呼，而我母亲则缓慢而稳定地解释她打电话的原因。

I had set in motion a chain of events which was now unstoppable.

我引发了一系列的事件，现在已经无法阻止。

More than 20 minutes passed before my mother called me back.

"Well, I did it," she said.

“嗯，我做到了，”她说。

"You talked to her?" The world felt unreal, hallucinatory.

“你跟她说话了？”感觉这个世界不真实，充满幻觉。

"Yes.

“是的。

She called me a liar.

她称我为骗子。

She told me she has a happy marriage to a man who travels a lot, that he's on his way to California.

她告诉我，她和一个经常旅行的男人有一段幸福的婚姻，他正在去加利福尼亚的路上。

And I said, 'No, he's on his way to see my daughter.'" My mother sounded proud of herself, immersed in the drama of the moment.

"How did she seem?" I asked.

“她看上去怎么样？”我问。

"What do you mean?" "Lenny's wife, was she angry?" "No," my mother said slowly.

“你是什么意思？” “莱尼的妻子，她生气了吗？” “不，”妈妈慢慢地说。

"She just didn't believe me, Dani."

“她只是不相信我，丹尼。”

I spent the rest of that day in a state of awful excitement.

那天剩下的时间我都在极度兴奋的状态中度过。

Something was going to happen.

And when Lenny showed up that evening at the apartment we were still sharing in the West Village, I was ready.

He put his bags down and gave me a hug.

他放下包，拥抱了我。

The phone rang.

电话响了。

My mother had given Mrs. Klein the number at the apartment and suggested she find out for herself what her husband was up to.

Lenny picked up the phone on the kitchen wall.

莱尼拿起厨房墙上的电话。

"Hello?" I watched him.

“你好？”我看着他。

And for the first and only time in the years I knew him, he looked genuinely surprised.

He didn't say a word.

他什么也没说。

He just listened for a few minutes, then hung up the phone.

他只是听了几分钟，然后就挂断了电话。

"That was my wife," he said.

I was silent.

我沉默了。

"How did she get this number?" I shrugged.

"How did she get this number?"我耸耸肩。

"I have to go." "I'd imagine," I said faintly.

“我得走了。” “我想，”我微弱地说。

My anger was giving me the fuel that I needed to stay strong, at least for the moment.

When Lenny slammed out of the apartment, I was certain I would never seen him again.

I knew the truth now.

我现在知道真相了。

It was staring me in the face, in the concrete form of flight lists and photos.

And he knew that I knew.

他知道我知道。

And besides, the whistle was blown.

What could he possibly tell his wife?

他能告诉他的妻子什么？

This was it, I told myself, absolutely, positively, the end.

It wasn't the end.

这还没有结束。

Lenny still called 10, 12 times a day.

He left messages on my answering machine.

"Hello?" His voice filled my bedroom.

“你好？”他的声音充满了我的卧室。

"Fox, are you there?" Sometimes he didn't say a word.

“狐狸，你在吗？” Sometimes he didn't say a word.

He would stay on the line for as long as five minutes, just breathing.

他会在电话里呆上五分钟，只有呼吸。

Eventually, he did get to me again.

最终，他还是再次来找我。

And for the next year that we were together, three days here, four days there, my life became unrecognizable to me.

在我们在一起的第二年，这里三天，那里四天，我的生活变得面目全非。

I idly wondered what it would take to get me to leave him.

我漫不经心地想知道怎样才能让我离开他。

I wondered about this over bottles of chilled white wine or heavy glasses half-filled with scotch.

I was still wondering about it when I went to stay for a while at a health spa in California.

The phone rang in my room one day.

There had been a car crash on a snowy highway.

My mother had 80 broken bones.

My father was in a coma.

我父亲处于昏迷状态。

They were lying in a hospital 3,000 miles away.

And suddenly, in ways I could not have imagined seconds earlier, nothing else mattered.

突然之间，以我几秒钟前无法想象的方式，其他一切都不再重要了。

As I packed my bags, I remembered my mother twirling, dancing to Dvorak, through the doors of Lenny's brownstone, and the glassy look in my father's eyes.

当我收拾行李时，我想起母亲在德沃夏克的伴奏下旋转着，穿过莱尼褐砂石建筑的大门，想起父亲眼神中的呆滞神情。

I prayed that my father wouldn't die disappointed in me.

我祈祷我的父亲不会对我失望而死。

And I knew then what I had to do.

Dani Shapiro, reading an excerpt from he memoir, Slow Motion: A True Story, published by Random House.

丹尼·夏皮罗正在阅读兰登书屋出版的回忆录《慢动作：一个真实的故事》的摘录。

Well, our program was produced today by Nancy Updike and myself with Alix Spiegel and Julie Snyder, contributing editors Paul Tough, Jack Hitt, Margy Rochlin, and consigliere Sarah Vowell.

今天我们的节目由南希·厄普代克和我本人、阿利克斯·斯皮格尔和朱莉·斯奈德、特约编辑保罗·托夫、杰克·希特、玛吉·罗克林和顾问莎拉·沃威尔共同制作。

Production help from Jorge Just, Todd Bachmann, and Sylvia Lemus.

Jorge Just、Todd Bachmann 和 Sylvia Lemus 为制作提供帮助。

One of the two engineers who built this studio, I speak to you from today.

[？

Bill Mayers ?] is retiring this week.

My voice comes to you through wires and faders and switches that he soldered into place, one by one, by hand, with his partner in crime, [?

我的声音通过他与犯罪同伙手工一一焊接到位的电线、推子和开关传到你那里，[？

Al Mix.

艾尔混合。

?] He could not have been more generous and helpful and decent to work with.

？] 他非常慷慨、乐于助人、工作得体。

And we're sorry to see him go.

If you'd like to buy cassette of this program, or any of our programs, call us here at WBEZ in Chicago, 312-832-3380.

如果您想购买该节目或我们任何节目的磁带，请致电芝加哥的 WBEZ，电话：312-832-3380。

Or you know, you can listen to any of our programs for free on the internet at our website, www.thislife.org.

或者您知道，您可以在我们的网站 www.thislife.org 上免费收听我们的任何节目。

Thanks to Elizabeth Meister, who runs the site.

感谢该网站的运营者伊丽莎白·梅斯特 (Elizabeth Meister)。

This American Life is distributed by Public Radio International.

《美国生活》由国际公共广播电台发行。

[FUNDING CREDITS] WBEZ management oversight by Torey Malatia, who reminds you--

Jesus Christ heals all those who repent their sins.

耶稣基督医治所有悔罪的人。

I'm Ira Glass, back next week with more stories of This American Life.

我是艾拉·格拉斯，下周回来，带来更多《美国生活》的故事。

This American Life is produced in collaboration with WBEZ Chicago and delivered to stations by PRX The Public Radio Exchange.

《This American Life》与 WBEZ Chicago 合作制作，并由 PRX 公共广播电台传送到各电台。

中文为机器翻译，仅供参考。