121: Twentieth Century Man - This American Life
You are using an outdated browser.
您正在使用过时的浏览器。
Please upgrade your browser or activate Google Chrome Frame to improve your experience.
请升级您的浏览器或激活 Google Chrome 浏览器内嵌框架以改善您的体验。
Sign up for a free Life Partners trial, and you can watch the video “A Night of Stories and Improv.”
注册免费试用《Life Partners》，您可以观看视频“故事与即兴表演之夜”。
00:00 00:00 Transcript Share This American Life Life Partners How to Listen Episodes Recommended About Overview Staff Announcements Fellowships Jobs Music Make Radio On The Road FAQ Submissions Merch Contact Us Our Other Shows Merch Follow Us Life Partners Subscribe to our newsletter Full episode Toggle Audio and Transcript Sync Transcript | Episode #121 | September 21, 2007 121: Twentieth Century Man Note: This American Life is produced for the ear and designed to be heard.
00:00 00:00 文字记录 分享此 美国生活 生活伙伴 如何收听 剧集 推荐 关于 概述 员工公告 奖学金 工作 音乐 在路上制作电台 常见问题解答 提交 商品 联系我们 我们的其他节目 商品 关注我们 生活伙伴 订阅我们的时事通讯 整集 切换音频和文字记录同步 文字记录 | 内容第 121 集 | 2007 年 9 月 21 日 121：二十世纪男人 注：《美国生活》是为耳朵而制作的，旨在让人们听到。
If you are able, we strongly encourage you to listen to the audio, which includes emotion and emphasis that's not on the page.
如果可以的话，我们强烈建议您收听音频，其中包括页面上没有的情感和重点。
Transcripts are generated using a combination of speech recognition software and human transcribers, and may contain errors.
文字记录是使用语音识别软件和人工转录员结合生成的，可能包含错误。
Please check the corresponding audio before quoting in print.
请在印刷版引用前检查相应的音频。
Prologue Ira Glass This story is always different, but it's also always the same.
序言 Ira Glass 这个故事总是不同的，但也总是相同的。
The blue-blooded Yankee graduates from Yale, moves to Texas, starts talking like a good ol' boy, turns himself into an oil man, and after that, into President of the United States.
这位贵族洋基从耶鲁大学毕业，搬到德克萨斯州，开始像个好孩子一样说话，把自己变成了一名石油大亨，然后成为美国总统。
The Czechoslovakian pencil-necked geek from Pittsburgh named Andy Warhol moves to New York, dresses in black, becomes a darling of the rich and glamorous.
来自匹兹堡的捷克斯洛伐克铅笔颈极客安迪·沃霍尔搬到了纽约，穿着黑色衣服，成为富有和迷人的宠儿。
The nice Jewish boy from Minnesota affects an oaky twang, picks up a guitar, renames himself for Welsh poet Dylan Thomas and-- you know this story.
这位来自明尼苏达州的好犹太男孩演奏着橡木般的音色，拿起吉他，以威尔士诗人迪伦·托马斯的名字重新命名自己，然后——你知道这个故事。
One thing that makes our country different from all of the other ones is this idea that it's our birthright that we can recreate ourselves as someone who we prefer to be, sell everything off, move somewhere else, start a new life.
我们的国家与其他国家不同的一点是，我们可以将自己重新塑造成我们想要成为的人，卖掉一切，搬到其他地方，开始新的生活，这是我们与生俱来的权利。
This tendency is so deep in American culture that we have an entire industry, a self-help industry, telling us how to transform ourselves into someone new.
这种倾向在美国文化中根深蒂固，以至于我们有一个完整的行业，一个自助行业，告诉我们如何把自己变成一个新的人。
And usually, we see this as a positive thing.
通常，我们认为这是一件积极的事情。
But what happens if you're too good at it, at throwing everything off, starting over from scratch?
但如果你太擅长，扔掉一切，从头开始，会发生什么呢？
Over the course of his life, Keith Aldrich was a child of the Depression in Oklahoma, then a preacher-in-training in booming California, an aspiring Hollywood actor.
在他的一生中，基思·奥尔德里奇是俄克拉荷马州大萧条时期的孩子，然后是繁荣的加利福尼亚州的一名实习传教士，一名有抱负的好莱坞演员。
In the '50s, he remade himself as a self-styled Beat writer, then as a man in a gray flannel suit.
20世纪50年代，他将自己重塑为一位自封的“垮掉派”作家，然后又变成了一个穿着灰色法兰绒西装的男人。
In the '60s, he became part of the New York literati, then went through a hippie phase, moved to the suburbs for '70s-era partying, Ice Storm, John Updike novel kind of life.
60年代，他成为纽约文人的一员，随后经历了嬉皮士阶段，搬到郊区过着70年代派对、冰风暴、约翰·厄普代克小说式的生活。
When the Moral Majority helped put Ronald Reagan into office in the '80s, he changed again, became a born-again Christian.
当道德多数派帮助罗纳德·里根在八十年代上台时，他再次改变，成为一名重生的基督徒。
Not only is his life a history of most of the major cultural shifts of the second half of the 20th century in this country, it's a case study in the question, what happens if you're too good at transforming yourself, at this part of our national character.
他的一生不仅是这个国家20世纪下半叶大部分重大文化变迁的历史，也是对这个问题的案例研究：如果你太善于改变自己，在我们国民性格的这一部分，会发生什么。
Well, from WBEZ Chicago and Public Radio International, it's This American Life.
嗯，来自芝加哥 WBEZ 和国际公共广播电台，这就是《美国生活》。
I'm Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯。
And today, we are devoting our entire program to the story of this man's life, as told by one of his nine children, Gillian Aldrich.
今天，我们的整个节目都致力于讲述这个人的一生，正如他的九个孩子之一吉莉安·奥尔德里奇所讲述的那样。
Keith Aldrich married five times.
基思·奥尔德里奇结过五次婚。
He left one set of wife and kids after another at most of the major turning points in his life.
在他人生的大部分重大转折点上，他都离开了一批又一批的妻子和孩子。
When he died in 1993, for the first time ever, eight of the nine kids got together in the same place, at his funeral, and talked about what sort of man he was.
1993 年他去世时，九个孩子中的八个第一次在他的葬礼上聚集在同一个地方，谈论他是一个什么样的人。
And it was then that they realized that they all knew different versions of their father.
就在那时，他们意识到他们都知道他们父亲的不同版本。
And so a couple years after that, Gillian Aldrich, his sixth child, set out to reconcile all these different accounts.
几年后，他的第六个孩子吉莉安·奥尔德里奇开始协调所有这些不同的账目。
She left her home in New York City to go out and interview all of her half siblings about her father's life.
她离开纽约市的家，出去采访她所有同父异母的兄弟姐妹，了解她父亲的生活。
Here's her story.
这是她的故事。
When I started this trip, I saw my dad as the quintessential restless American, constantly on the move in his quest for his dreams.
当我开始这次旅行时，我看到我的父亲是典型的不安分的美国人，在追求梦想的过程中不断前进。
I knew there was a dark side to all this, people left behind, marriages busted.
我知道这一切都有阴暗面，人们被抛在后面，婚姻破裂。
But still there was some part of his quest that seemed heroic.
但他的追求的某些部分仍然显得英勇。
I'm sure he saw it that way too.
我确信他也是这么看的。
I was a very good boy when I was a kid, a very good boy.
我小时候是一个非常好的孩子，一个非常好的孩子。
This is how my father told his own story.
我父亲就是这样讲述他自己的故事的。
It's a church testimony recorded 14 years before he died.
这是他去世前 14 年记录的教会见证。
And my great ambition was to be a preacher, like me Uncle Floyd.
我的伟大抱负是成为一名传教士，就像我弗洛伊德叔叔一样。
And I [?
而我[?
blessed ?] that to my Lord.
有福吗？]这属于我的主。
On the other hand, not so easily seen, there was this rebellious kid inside.
另一方面，不那么容易看到的，内心却有一个叛逆的孩子。
1929 to 1953, age of innocence.
1929年至1953年，纯真年代。
My dad grew up in the Church of Christ during the Depression in Oklahoma.
我父亲在俄克拉荷马州大萧条时期的基督教会长大。
His family moved to California after Pearl Harbor, so that his father could get work welding on the ships to help the war effort.
珍珠港事件后，他的家人搬到了加利福尼亚州，这样他的父亲就可以找到船上焊接的工作来帮助战争。
My father got a scholarship to a Christian school, Pepperdine College.
我父亲获得了基督教学校佩珀代因学院的奖学金。
He was married in the same year to his high school sweetheart.
同年，他与高中时的恋人结婚。
I'm Shelly.
我是雪莉。
I was from the first marriage.
我是第一次婚姻的人。
I was born in Whittier, California.
我出生在加利福尼亚州惠蒂尔。
Dad was young.
爸爸还年轻。
I started my trip at Shelly's house in Eugene, Oregon, where I see my half sisters from my dad's first marriage.
我的旅程从雪莉位于俄勒冈州尤金的家开始，在那里我见到了我父亲第一次婚姻中同父异母的姐妹。
There's Shelly and there's Becky, who's up from San Francisco for the weekend with her daughter.
雪莉和贝基，她和女儿从旧金山过来度周末。
I'm surprised to be included in their family weekend.
我很惊讶能参加他们的家庭周末。
We barely know each other, and don't have much in common outside of our father.
我们彼此几乎不认识，除了父亲之外没有太多共同点。
Yet we spend three days going whitewater rafting and sitting down to big family meals.
然而我们花了三天时间去激流漂流并坐下来吃大餐。
Becky's 50 and Shelly's 48.
贝基 50 岁，雪莉 48 岁。
They're both adamantly devoted to their families.
他们都坚定地致力于自己的家庭。
And Shelly's a fundamentalist Christian who's home-schooled all her kids in the belief that parents can and should do better than any school.
雪莉是一名原教旨主义基督徒，她在家教育所有的孩子，她相信父母可以而且应该比任何学校做得更好。
Still, we're amazingly comfortable with each other.
尽管如此，我们彼此相处起来还是非常舒服。
We sit in Shelly's living room and talk into the night about who our father was.
我们坐在雪莉的客厅里，谈论我们的父亲是谁，直到深夜。
He was going to be a preacher.
他要成为一名传教士。
He was going to be a Church of Christ preacher.
他将成为基督教会的传教士。
So he had it all planned out.
所以他已经把这一切都计划好了。
In the Church of Christ community, that was kind of the highest social status was to be a preacher in the church.
在基督教会社区中，最高的社会地位就是在教会中担任传道人。
I know my mom said, she told me that even though he was 18 when they got married, she said he wasn't like he was 18.
我知道我妈妈说过，她告诉我，尽管他们结婚时他已经18岁了，但她说他不像18岁。
He kind of ran the youth group at church.
他在教堂里管理着青年团体。
He was the most influential.
他是最有影响力的。
His father was influential.
他的父亲很有影响力。
And he was always very sure of himself, very confident about who he was, where he was going.
他总是对自己非常有信心，对自己是谁、要去哪里非常有信心。
He was highly respected, even at 18.
即使只有 18 岁，他仍受到高度尊重。
He was 18 when they got married.
他们结婚时他18岁。
And she was 20 years old.
那年她20岁了。
And they were just starting out, of course.
当然，他们才刚刚开始。
And they had a little apartment over somebody's garage.
他们在某人的车库上方有一间小公寓。
This is Becky.
这是贝基。
Becky Unfortunately before their plans, they had me.
贝基 不幸的是，在他们计划之前，他们就抓到了我。
I think that had a major effect on his relationship with my mother and their relationship with each other, and how he saw his life unfolding.
我认为这对他与我母亲的关系、他们之间的关系以及他如何看待自己的生活产生了重大影响。
I'm sure it really bothered him that he saw his possibilities limited by the fact that he had these three children, and he was only 23 years old.
我确信他确实感到很困扰，因为他看到自己的可能性受到了这三个孩子的限制，而且他只有 23 岁。
And so Dad made a choice, the same choice he would repeat over and over for the rest of his life.
于是爸爸做出了选择，他将在余生中一遍又一遍地重复这个选择。
He simply changed his mind about who he was going to be.
他只是改变了对自己要成为谁的想法。
He began studying drama, throwing himself into school plays with the same fervor he'd had for being a preacher.
他开始学习戏剧，并像传教士一样热衷于学校戏剧。
It was costly to him, I think, to be involved in drama.
我认为，参与戏剧对他来说代价高昂。
He was good at it, but I think it got out of hand for him.
他很擅长，但我认为这对他来说已经失控了。
As you study the history of drama, it gets out of hand for a lot of people.
当你研究戏剧史时，很多人都会发现它已经失控了。
So that changed his focus and certainly changed my parents relationship.
所以这改变了他的注意力，当然也改变了我父母的关系。
So how did it break up, the marriage with your mom.
那么，和你妈妈的婚姻是怎么破裂的呢？
What happened?
发生了什么？
It seems like it could be something that you do and you stay happily married.
看起来这可能是你做的事情并且你的婚姻会幸福。
Oh, sure.
哦，当然。
But Dad was having affairs with women.
但爸爸却和女人有染。
That doesn't go over well.
事情进展不太顺利。
They soon divorced.
他们很快就离婚了。
The three kids, Becky, Shelly, and Alan, didn't really see their father much for the next 15 years.
在接下来的 15 年里，贝基、雪莉和艾伦这三个孩子很少见到他们的父亲。
And when I try to get Becky and Shelly to tell me more about the person our father was when they were children, they can't.
当我试图让贝基和雪莉告诉我更多关于我们父亲小时候的事时，他们却做不到。
He left too early for them to remember.
他离开得太早，他们都记不清了。
This is nice.
这很好。
There's a little hill there.
那里有一座小山。
We could sit on the mound.
我们可以坐在土丘上。
Oh yeah.
哦，是的。
On my last day in Eugene, Becky, Shelly, and I go on a walk together in the park next to Shelly's house.
在尤金的最后一天，贝基、雪莉和我一起去雪莉家旁边的公园散步。
Shelly tells me that Dad's abandonment is one of the reasons she's devoted herself so fully to her kids.
雪莉告诉我，爸爸的遗弃是她全身心投入到孩子们身上的原因之一。
He rejected me.
他拒绝了我。
As a child, he left me.
当我还是个孩子的时候，他就离开了我。
He didn't care for me.
他不关心我。
He didn't send money to my mother to support me.
他没有寄钱给我母亲来支持我。
I guess it was when I started having my own children that I started thinking, how could you?
我想是当我开始有了自己的孩子时，我开始想，你怎么可以？
How could you have done this to me?
你怎么能这样对我？
I'm committed to my children.
我对我的孩子们尽心尽力。
Why weren't you committed to me?
为什么你没有对我做出承诺？
Their feeling about that is so different from mine.
他们对此的感觉与我的非常不同。
I remember enough to know that as Dad did, he would be involved in our lives as it fit his--
我清楚地记得，就像爸爸所做的那样，他会以适合他的方式参与我们的生活——
As it fit his schedule.
因为这符合他的日程安排。
Shelly Yeah, as it was convenient for him.
雪莉 是的，因为这对他来说很方便。
The man that we've been describing, does he sound familiar to you?
我们所描述的这个人，你听起来熟悉吗？
And if so, in what way?
如果是的话，以什么方式？
Yeah.
是的。
You know what, I feel like I'm trying to sort of mythologize Dad as an artist, or the creative part of Dad.
你知道吗，我觉得我正试图将父亲神话化为艺术家，或者父亲的创造性部分。
I talked about Dad following his dreams, how that gave me the courage to try new things.
我谈到了爸爸追随他的梦想，这如何给了我尝试新事物的勇气。
But it wasn't the kind of argument where anyone convinces anyone else.
但这并不是那种任何人都能说服其他人的争论。
I ask Shelly if she can see what I saw in him, outside of her experience as an abandoned daughter.
我问雪莉，除了她被遗弃的女儿的经历之外，她是否能看到我在他身上看到的东西。
No, I don't.
不，我不。
If you're saying at the cost of your family, I think that's inexcusable.
如果你说以牺牲你的家人为代价，我认为这是不可原谅的。
I think that's hideous.
我认为这太可怕了。
I think if you make a commitment to someone, you should keep it.
我认为如果你对某人做出了承诺，你就应该遵守它。
No, I think that to try to say that because Dad was talented, that that gave him some kind of license to marry women and abandon them is ludicrous, of course not.
不，我认为试图说因为爸爸很有才华，这给了他某种与女人结婚并抛弃她们的许可证，这是可笑的，当然不是。
Each of us has a responsibility to live a life accountable to some kind of righteousness or value, even if you don't believe in God.
我们每个人都有责任过一种对某种正义或价值观负责的生活，即使你不相信上帝。
And certainly, that doesn't include hurting people.
当然，这不包括伤害他人。
No, I see nothing noble in his pursuit of his dreams, if that's what you want to call it.
不，我认为他追求梦想的过程中没有什么高尚的东西，如果你想这么称呼它的话。
I spit upon it.
我向它吐口水。
1953 to 1963, Beat in a gray flannel suit.
1953年至1963年，比特穿着灰色法兰绒套装。
I got married again almost immediately, after a wild and passionate romance based on the life of D.
在一段基于 D 的生活的狂野而热情的浪漫之后，我几乎立即再次结婚。
H.
H.
Lawrence and his wife, Rita.
劳伦斯和他的妻子丽塔。
Our gods were the same as theirs, the animal life force and art.
我们的神与他们的神是一样的，动物的生命力和艺术。
We worshiped theater, she as an actress, me as a writer.
我们崇拜戏剧，她是演员，我是作家。
This marriage produced another divine child and still more guilt, for she was married when I met her and left her husband for me, just like Rita did for D.
这段婚姻又产生了一个神圣的孩子，也带来了更多的愧疚，因为当我遇见她时，她已经结婚了，并为我离开了她的丈夫，就像丽塔为D所做的那样。
H.
H.
And it produced a great deal of jealousy and turbulence.
它产生了很大的嫉妒和动荡。
My dad met his second wife, Maggie, an actress from Germany, in a drama group.
我父亲在一个戏剧团认识了他的第二任妻子玛吉，她是一位来自德国的女演员。
He was in the theater program at UCLA and later bragged that he was buddies with Carol Burnett and James Garner, and that Sydney Poitier babysat in exchange for Dad helping him get rid of his bohemian accent.
他参加了加州大学洛杉矶分校的戏剧项目，后来吹嘘自己是卡罗尔·伯内特和詹姆斯·加纳的好朋友，而西德尼·波蒂埃则充当保姆，以换取爸爸帮助他改掉波西米亚口音。
No one in the family believes any of this.
家里没有人相信这一切。
The facts are Maggie got pregnant, they got married.
事实是玛吉怀孕了，他们结婚了。
I'm Josie, and I'm from Keith's second marriage.
我是乔西，来自基思的第二次婚姻。
And I was born in 1955.
而我是1955年出生的。
I drove 25 hours from Shelly's house in Eugene to see my half sister, Josie, in Boulder, Colorado, Josie's 45 years old and lives with her son.
我从雪莉位于尤金的家驱车 25 小时前往科罗拉多州博尔德市看望我同父异母的妹妹乔西，乔西今年 45 岁，和她的儿子住在一起。
On our first night together, we're in a condo, looking at a photo album Dad made for her.
在一起的第一个晚上，我们在公寓里，看着爸爸为她制作的相册。
We lived on Holly Drive in Hollywood Hills, in a little red house.
我们住在好莱坞山霍利大道上的一栋红色小房子里。
There's this shot that I always remember about the three of us, my mother, the glam actress, with her hair in a bun and very red lipstick, and almost Joan Crawford eyebrows that aren't so great, and my father, who is like the all-American guy.
我一直记得关于我们三个人的这张照片，我的母亲，一位迷人的女演员，头发扎成发髻，涂着非常红色的口红，几乎琼·克劳馥的眉毛不太好，还有我的父亲，他就像典型的美国男人。
Then I'm in this nice little dress.
然后我就穿上了这件漂亮的小裙子。
He writes underneath it, the family of the '50s, which that is really what this photo is.
他在照片下面写下了“50 年代的家庭”，这就是这张照片的真正含义。
It's the family of the '50s.
这是50年代的家庭。
However, we weren't the family of the '50s.
然而，我们不是50年代的家庭。
My Dad took a lot of pictures.
我爸爸拍了很多照片。
And a lot of them have this quality.
他们中的很多人都具有这种品质。
They're almost iconic, as if "family of the '50s" was this role he was trying to get the family to play.
他们几乎是标志性的，就好像“50 年代的家庭”就是他试图让家人扮演的角色。
After being scouted in a theater production at UCLA, Dad was cast in a bit part in a Grace Kelly movie, The Bridges at Toko-Ri, and thought he was on his way to a career as a movie actor.
在加州大学洛杉矶分校 (UCLA) 的一部戏剧作品中被星探发掘后，父亲在格蕾丝·凯利 (Grace Kelly) 的电影《东光里的廊桥》(The Bridges at Toko-Ri) 中出演了一个小角色，并认为自己即将踏上电影演员的职业生涯。
Apparently, he had the chance to work at Paramount.
显然，他有机会在派拉蒙工作。
And those were still the days when actors were hired to be contract actors for different studios.
那时候还是演员被聘请为不同工作室的签约演员的时代。
And what my mother told me was that-- his ears stick out a little bit, which we all know that they did-- and my mother told me that if he had had his ears pinned back, that they would've accepted him into the studio as one of the contract actors.
我母亲告诉我的是——他的耳朵伸出了一点，我们都知道他们这样做——我母亲告诉我，如果他把耳朵别在后面，他们就会接受他作为合同演员之一进入工作室。
And my mother just really couldn't understand why he didn't do that.
我妈妈实在不明白他为什么不这么做。
It would've been so easy.
本来就很容易。
And that's kind of like Dad was, you know.
你知道，这有点像爸爸。
He could have been onto something really good, but no, he had this dream.
他本来可以做一些真正好的事情，但他没有，他有这个梦想。
And he had to be a playwright.
他必须是一名剧作家。
And that really never went anywhere as well.
这也确实没有任何进展。
So he didn't really believe in the Hollywood system.
所以他并不真正相信好莱坞的体系。
He really wanted to do theater.
他真的很想做戏剧。
Yeah, he wanted to do theater.
是的，他想做戏剧。
And I don't think he believed in any system.
我认为他不相信任何制度。
No rules.
没有规则。
Don't fence me in.
别把我围起来。
I don't know.
我不知道。
Well, we moved to New York when I was about three.
嗯，我三岁左右的时候我们搬到了纽约。
He went before us.
他走在我们前面。
He went to join a group of men who were playwrights.
他加入了一群剧作家。
And he was encouraged by a friend of his.
他受到一位朋友的鼓励。
Oh, let's go to New York, and we can become famous playwrights.
哦，我们去纽约吧，我们可以成为著名的剧作家。
And Dad was a bit impulsive.
而爸爸则有点冲动。
And he didn't like the acting scene in Hollywood.
他也不喜欢好莱坞的演艺圈。
So he decided, yeah, let's do it.
所以他决定，是的，我们就这么做吧。
He goes with his friend.
他和他的朋友一起去。
And then about six months later, my mother and I came after him.
大约六个月后，我和我的母亲追上了他。
In the classic American biographies, there are always these heroic moments, the rebel leaving behind the old life, taking risks, following his or her dream and ending up famous.
在美国经典传记中，总有这样的英雄时刻，叛逆者抛弃旧的生活，冒险，追随自己的梦想，最终成名。
But of course, most people who tear up their lives and follow their dreams never make it.
但当然，大多数撕毁生活并追寻梦想的人永远不会成功。
My dad moved to New York, wrote nothing of value, and had to get a real job in publishing.
我父亲搬到了纽约，没有写过任何有价值的东西，并且必须在出版业找到一份真正的工作。
The marriage didn't survive the move either.
这段婚姻也未能在搬家后幸存下来。
By the time Josie was five, Keith and Maggie were divorced.
乔西五岁时，基思和玛吉离婚了。
But he didn't abandon Josie, as he'd left behind the kids from his first marriage.
但他并没有抛弃乔西，因为他留下了第一次婚姻的孩子。
Maybe he was more mature.
也许他更成熟了。
Maybe he needed family more.
也许他更需要家庭。
But even after the divorce, he was often a very good dad.
但即使在离婚后，他仍然是一个非常好的父亲。
When he chose to be, he was really fun.
当他选择这样做时，他真的很有趣。
He played with you.
他和你一起玩。
He laughed a lot.
他笑得很开心。
He talked to you and made you feel important.
他和你说话，让你觉得自己很重要。
He was intense and larger than life, like he was playing the perfect dad.
他很热情，比生活更伟大，就像他在扮演完美的父亲一样。
And with me, he would sometimes sit down.
和我在一起时，他有时会坐下来。
And I would dictate poems to him that I had made up.
我还会向他口授我编的诗。
And he'd type them for me.
他会帮我打字。
And so that was a nice little thing that we did as father and daughter.
所以这是我们作为父女所做的一件美好的小事。
But he was kind of giddy.
但他有点头晕。
He was funny.
他很有趣。
I thought he looked like Dick Van Dyke and acted like Dick Van Dyke, and wished he had been a Dick Van Dyke, this movie star.
我认为他看起来像迪克·范戴克，行为也像迪克·范戴克，并希望他是迪克·范戴克，这位电影明星。
I think I always wanted him to be a movie star.
我想我一直希望他成为一名电影明星。
But yeah, it was like his life was a movie.
但是，是的，他的生活就像一部电影。
And at this stage, when I was seven or eight or nine, it was kind of like we were in a musical, singing in the rain and jumping around the streets of New York and making up songs.
在这个阶段，当我七岁、八岁或九岁的时候，有点像我们在音乐剧中，在雨中唱歌，在纽约的街道上跳跃并创作歌曲。
When did you feel a change come in your family that was pulling him away?
你什么时候感觉到你的家庭发生了变化，导致他离开了？
Do you remember the time?
你还记得时间吗？
Oh, yeah.
哦，是的。
Well, when he married your mother.
好吧，当他娶你母亲的时候。
And then he started to have a new family with her.
然后他开始和她组建新的家庭。
And yeah, that was hard for me.
是的，这对我来说很难。
1963 to 1969, literati.
1963年至1969年，文人。
My mother, Sally, was Dad's assistant at McGraw-Hill Publishers.
我的母亲莎莉是父亲在麦格劳希尔出版社的助理。
She was completely taken with his charm.
她完全被他的魅力所吸引。
She told me she came home her first day from work and told her parents that she was going to marry her boss.
她告诉我，她第一天下班回家，就告诉父母她要嫁给她的老板。
And within a year, they were married.
一年之内，他们就结婚了。
The next few years were the happiest I had known since I was a kid.
接下来的几年是我从小到大最快乐的几年。
I suppressed my deep yearning to be an artist.
我压抑了自己对成为一名艺术家的强烈渴望。
And my wife and I devoted ourselves more or less to the good life.
我和我的妻子或多或少地致力于美好的生活。
We had clothes and money and went out a lot.
我们有衣服和钱，经常出去玩。
We had no spiritual life at all, but we didn't miss it.
我们根本没有精神生活，但我们并没有错过它。
We were sophisticates.
我们很老练。
According to my mother, Dad used to say that he married her for two reasons, her ass and her family.
据我母亲说，父亲常说他娶她有两个原因：她的屁股和她的家庭。
Dad seemed to think he was moving up in the world, marrying the daughter of a well-known New York editor, Cecil Scott, whose authors include James Michener and Barbara Tuchman.
父亲似乎认为他的地位正在上升，娶了纽约著名编辑塞西尔·斯科特的女儿，塞西尔·斯科特的作者包括詹姆斯·米切纳和芭芭拉·塔奇曼。
Josie felt like she was losing Dad to another world.
乔西觉得她正在失去爸爸，去了另一个世界。
And I saw something change in him where I thought he was extremely phony when he'd have talks and smoke cigarettes and drink his scotch with Cecil.
我看到他身上发生了一些变化，当他和塞西尔谈话、抽烟、喝苏格兰威士忌时，我认为他非常虚伪。
Cecil was an editor at McMillan.
塞西尔是麦克米伦出版社的编辑。
And his authors, the people he was involved with were bestselling authors.
他的作者，与他交往的人都是畅销书作家。
And in the literary world, they were the top people.
而在文学界，他们都是顶尖人物。
And so, I think Dad was just so impressed with that and wanted to impress Cecil and let him know-- let Cecil know-- that hey, your daughter isn't marrying a hick from Illinois or Oklahoma.
所以，我想爸爸对此印象深刻，想要给塞西尔留下深刻的印象，让他知道——让塞西尔知道——嘿，你的女儿不会嫁给一个来自伊利诺伊州或俄克拉荷马州的乡巴佬。
I've got some worth.
我有一些价值。
And I think that's really what he was trying to do was prove something about himself, or reinvent himself.
我认为他真正想做的就是证明自己，或者重塑自己。
He was always reinventing himself.
他总是在重塑自己。
So here he was going through a stage now where he could come up to Chappaqua and know how to dress and do what the Methodists were doing.
所以现在他正在经历一个阶段，现在他可以走到查帕夸，知道如何穿着并做卫理公会所做的事情。
And when we'd go up for the weekends, I thought, my god, what is-- this is so not me.
当我们周末去的时候，我想，天哪，这不是我。
This is so not my dad, this whole suburban trip.
这整个郊区旅行都不是我爸爸。
It was just so strange.
真是太奇怪了。
I saw Dad playing a role.
我看到爸爸在扮演一个角色。
For the record, my mom didn't have any of these pretensions.
根据记录，我妈妈没有任何这些自负。
She was used to this world.
她已经习惯了这个世界。
She was a painter, an artist in her own right.
她是一位画家，本身就是一位艺术家。
For the first five years of their marriage, Mom and Dad lived happily in the upper west side of New York City.
在他们结婚的头五年里，爸爸妈妈在纽约市的上西区幸福地生活着。
That's where my older brother, Scott, was born.
那是我哥哥斯科特出生的地方。
1969 to 1972, the ice storm.
1969年至1972年，冰暴。
Right before I was born, my parents decided it was time to move to the suburbs, so they could raise their kids in the stable environment of a nice small town.
就在我出生之前，我的父母决定是时候搬到郊区了，这样他们就可以在一个美好小镇的稳定环境中抚养孩子。
As it turned out, this was the place our lives fell apart, in a big old house in Katonah, an hour's commute from New York.
事实证明，这就是我们生活崩溃的地方，在卡托纳的一栋大老房子里，距离纽约一小时车程。
To find out more about this period, I visited Alan, the youngest child from my father's first marriage.
为了了解更多关于这一时期的信息，我拜访了艾伦，他是我父亲第一次婚姻中最小的孩子。
He lived with us in Katonah for over a year.
他和我们一起在卡托纳住了一年多。
Now he's in the woods of New Hampshire.
现在他在新罕布什尔州的树林里。
He lives like the ex-hippie he is.
他的生活就像前嬉皮士一样。
He enjoys sing-alongs with his guitar, talks freely about sex, makes a living as a computer programmer.
他喜欢弹着吉他唱歌，自由地谈论性，以计算机程序员为生。
Alan was 17 during the year he lived with us.
艾伦和我们住在一起那一年，他 17 岁。
He'd moved out from San Diego to finish high school with his father.
他从圣地亚哥搬出来和父亲一起完成高中学业。
It was just great.
真是太棒了。
I thought it was just the most wonderful place to live in the world, because I could smoke and drink and be adult and sophisticated and all these things.
我认为那是世界上最适合居住的地方，因为我可以抽烟、喝酒、成熟、成熟等等。
They had some really neat friends.
他们有一些非常好的朋友。
They would have these parties.
他们会举办这些聚会。
And people would sit around and talk about all kinds of [BLEEP], you know.
你知道，人们会围坐在一起谈论各种[BLEEP]。
For a couple of years in Katonah, all of my dad's kids intersected at various times.
在卡托纳的几年里，我父亲的所有孩子都在不同的时间有过交集。
Besides Alan, Becky and Shelly, also from the first marriage, lived there briefly after high school.
除了艾伦之外，贝基和雪莉也是第一次婚姻的成员，高中毕业后也曾在那里短暂居住过。
And Josie, from the second marriage, came up from the city to visit on weekends.
第二次婚姻中的乔西周末从城里来看望。
But shortly after moving to Katonah, Dad went through his next transformation, a radical left turn away from the suburban stodginess he had chosen.
但搬到卡托纳后不久，爸爸经历了下一次转变，彻底左转，摆脱了他所选择的郊区的古板生活。
The year was 1969.
那一年是 1969 年。
Here's how my dad described it.
我父亲是这样描述的。
By this time, I was 40 pounds overweight, had regular three-martini lunches, and truth to tell, I was officious.
此时，我已经超重 40 磅，午餐经常吃三杯马提尼酒，说实话，我很爱管闲事。
There were riots in the streets.
街上发生骚乱。
The kids had long hair and wore overalls.
孩子们留着长发，穿着工装裤。
And they looked at me as if I was the enemy.
他们看着我，就好像我是敌人一样。
When I got there, he made it very clear to me that he was not going to be my father.
当我到达那里时，他向我明确表示他不会成为我的父亲。
He was going to be my buddy.
他将成为我的朋友。
He never asked me, where are you going, or how long are you going to be, or where have you been and what were you doing and that sort of thing.
他从来没有问过我，你要去哪里，或者你要去多久，或者你去过哪里，你在做什么等等。
If he asked me anything, and I told him, and it was anything the least bit racy or off-beat or anything like that, he would just think that was really great.
如果他问我任何事情，我告诉他，哪怕是一点点活泼的、另类的或者类似的事情，他都会觉得那真的很棒。
And the more I did, the more great he thought it was.
我做得越多，他就越觉得这很棒。
That was a very tumultuous time, not because Alan was there, really, but because of all the changes Dad was going through.
那是一段非常动荡的时期，不是因为艾伦在那里，真的，而是因为爸爸正在经历的所有变化。
And he was beginning to get into drugs.
他开始吸毒。
This is Josie.
这是乔西。
Josie Meaning he was smoking marijuana.
乔西的意思是他在吸大麻。
And I think they were both taking LSD and also mescaline.
我认为他们都服用了迷幻药和麦司卡林。
So all of this was going on where Alan was kind of involved.
所以所有这一切都是艾伦参与其中的。
And I was even involved.
我什至也参与其中。
I'd go up there on every other week and sometimes smoke with them at a very young age.
我每隔一周就会去那里，有时在很小的时候就和他们一起抽烟。
And it's absolutely incredible to me now that I did this.
现在我做到了这一点对我来说绝对令人难以置信。
And all these people coming in and out of that house.
所有这些人进出那所房子。
In an era where adults were trying to be teenagers, Dad quit his job and considered himself the guru to the resident teenagers, Alan and his girlfriend, Stephanie.
在一个成年人试图成为青少年的时代，爸爸辞去了工作，并认为自己是当地青少年艾伦和他的女朋友斯蒂芬妮的导师。
Here's Alan again.
艾伦又来了。
I was still smoking and doing acid and whatnot, and so was he.
我还在抽烟、吸酸什么的，他也是。
And he was finding that he was really enjoying this kind of really liberated lifestyle.
他发现自己真的很享受这种真正自由的生活方式。
I think he felt that I was outdoing him somehow in terms of my liberatedness, and he was in competition with me to see who could be the wildest, or something.
我想他觉得我在自由方面超越了他，他正在与我竞争，看看谁是最狂野的，或者其他什么。
In fact, he kind of came down to my level a lot.
事实上，他在很大程度上已经达到了我的水平。
I don't know if I ever told you this, but he came on to Stephanie one time.
我不知道我是否曾告诉过你这一点，但有一次他去找过斯蒂芬妮。
He offered to take her home when I was too stoned or drunk or something like that, and she needed to get home.
当我喝得酩酊大醉或喝醉了或类似的情况时，他提出带她回家，而她需要回家。
And he drove her home.
然后他开车送她回家。
And he attacked her on the way home.
他在回家的路上袭击了她。
He pulled over, started sticking his tongue down her throat and everything.
他把车停在路边，开始把舌头伸进她的喉咙等等。
[LAUGHTER] My girlfriend, you know?
[笑声] 我的女朋友，你知道吗？
A 17, 18-year-old girl.
一个17、18岁的女孩。
And that really pissed me off.
这真的让我很生气。
It certainly pissed her off.
这确实惹恼了她。
And she didn't want anything to do with our family after that.
从那以后她就不想和我们家有任何关系了。
And I was really love with her.
我真的很爱她。
I was so angry at him about that.
我为此对他很生气。
You didn't?
你没有？
Alan No. I couldn't.
艾伦 不，我不能。
I was so frightened of him.
我太害怕他了。
I had seen his anger against Sally.
我看到他对莎莉的愤怒。
By that time, he was starting, I think, to feel like Sally was dragging him down, or something, or kind of a millstone around his neck in terms of his liberatedness, or something like that.
我想，到那时，他开始感觉莎莉正在拖累他，或者什么，或者就他的解放而言，他脖子上有一块磨石，或者类似的东西。
And he would just blow off at a drop of a hat at that point.
那时他会突然发脾气。
I remember distinctly sitting down in that little dining room in Katonah there one morning.
我清楚地记得有一天早上坐在卡托纳的那个小餐厅里。
And for some reason, he didn't like the way she cooked the eggs or something.
出于某种原因，他不喜欢她煮鸡蛋之类的方式。
And something she said set him off.
她说的一句话让他很恼火。
And he just threw his plate against the wall.
他只是把盘子扔到墙上。
And then he threw the table against the other wall and just started ripping up the dining room, taking pictures off the walls and smashing them over chairs, and smashing chairs into splinters.
然后他把桌子扔到另一面墙上，开始撕毁餐厅，从墙上取下照片，把它们砸到椅子上，然后把椅子砸成碎片。
And Sally was just screaming and cowering in the corner of the room.
莎莉只是尖叫着，蜷缩在房间的角落里。
And I've never been so petrified in all my life as I was during that scene.
我一生中从未像那一幕那样惊呆过。
And then an hour later, it was over.
然后一个小时后，就结束了。
It was like we were all supposed to pretend like nothing had happened.
就好像我们都应该假装什么都没发生过一样。
Oh, I don't remember.
哦，我不记得了。
Just whenever I was rebellious, or maybe I mouthed off to him, he'd slap me around and really throw me across the room.
每当我叛逆，或者对他出言不逊时，他就会扇我一巴掌，然后把我扔到房间的另一边。
Here's Josie again.
乔西又来了。
Josie And really, that was quite a distance.
乔西 确实，那是相当远的距离。
I was a pretty skinny kid.
我是一个很瘦的孩子。
But he would just unleash his wrath on me.
但他只会将愤怒发泄在我身上。
But I do remember one time that I did prevent him from really-- I knew that I was going to be harmed terribly because I stood up for myself.
但我确实记得有一次我确实阻止了他——我知道我会受到严重伤害，因为我为自己挺身而出。
And what I did was I screamed "help" for the police.
我所做的就是向警察尖叫“救命”。
And the police came.
警察来了。
A next-door neighbor came.
隔壁邻居来了。
And then it continued.
然后它继续。
And it just continued.
它就这样继续下去。
It didn't stop.
它没有停止。
This is my brother, Scott.
这是我的兄弟，斯科特。
He was probably four years old at this time.
此时他大概四岁了。
One of my earliest memories in Katonah is waking up and hearing screaming downstairs, and seeing Dad being manhandled by police downstairs, as I'm sitting on the staircase with Mom, and she's holding me.
我在卡托纳最早的记忆之一就是醒来时听到楼下有尖叫声，看到爸爸在楼下被警察粗暴对待，当时我和妈妈坐在楼梯上，她抱着我。
And he apparently had just thrown Josie against a window.
他显然刚刚把乔西扔到了窗户上。
And some neighbor saw it and came over and beat the [BLEEP] out of Dad.
一些邻居看到了，走过来，把爸爸打成了[哔]。
And he was bleeding, and the police were there trying to calm him down.
他正在流血，警察在那里试图让他平静下来。
And it seemed to me like they were nearly locking him up.
在我看来，他们几乎要把他关起来了。
During that time of this fight with the neighbor, the blood was rushing down and was staining his white suit.
与邻居打架的那段时间，血流了下来，染红了他的白色西装。
And that was just such an image, to see Dad.
那就是这样一个景象：见到爸爸。
Dad was getting hit.
爸爸被打了。
The police were coming.
警察来了。
And maybe I did feel a little empowered.
也许我确实感到有点被赋予了力量。
Who knew that word and that term?
谁知道那个词和那个术语？
And then when I walked into the bathroom, seeing him wash his white clothing to get the stain out.
然后当我走进浴室时，看到他洗白色衣服以去除污渍。
And he looked up at me, and he said, "I don't want to know you.
他抬头看着我，说道：“我不想认识你。
And I don't want to have anything to do with you.
而且我不想和你有任何关系。
And you're on the next train." And that was that.
你就在下一趟火车上。”就是这样。
I think that he would get overwhelmed by his emotions, that somehow he felt that he was his emotions.
我认为他会被自己的情绪淹没，不知怎的，他觉得自己就是他的情绪。
And when he had an emotion, he had to feel it fully, even if it meant smashing his foot through a door or beating up someone, like his wife.
当他有一种情绪时，他必须充分感受到它，即使这意味着他的脚踩破门或殴打某人，比如他的妻子。
And he almost felt that to censor that was to censor his own creativity.
他几乎觉得审查这就是审查他自己的创造力。
And I think that he was of a generation that might have glamorized that, to a certain extent.
我认为他属于在某种程度上可能会美化这一点的一代人。
I think that the artists of his generation that he admired, like Henry Miller or Jackson Pollock, people that, in many ways, Dad emulated these types.
我认为他所钦佩的他那一代的艺术家，比如亨利·米勒或杰克逊·波洛克，在很多方面，爸爸都模仿了这些类型。
And I think that these are tremendously successful individuals, but they also lived life on the edge.
我认为这些人都是非常成功的人，但他们也生活在边缘。
And I think there was sort of a cult of that, of an appeal to that, that I think Dad was susceptible to.
我认为有一种对此的崇拜和吸引力，我认为爸爸很容易受到这种崇拜。
In a sense, who else would embody so many different cultural trends over the course of 40 years, other than someone who gives in to all his emotions?
从某种意义上说，除了一个屈服于所有情感的人之外，还有谁能够在四十年的时间里体现如此多不同的文化趋势？
That same quality that made him so charismatic and engaging, that made him such a great dad sometimes, also made him a terror.
正是这种品质使他如此具有魅力和魅力，有时使他成为一位伟大的父亲，但也使他成为一个可怕的人。
I was alive during the mayhem in Katonah, but it all happened before I was three years old.
卡托纳的混乱期间我还活着，但这一切都发生在我三岁之前。
So I don't remember any of it.
所以我什么都不记得了。
But to Josie, I was very much a part of the drama.
但对乔西来说，我是这出戏的一部分。
Oh, I felt ashamed because there were some bad things going on.
哦，我感到羞愧，因为发生了一些不好的事情。
For instance, if your parents had come home from a party or something, or they were just smoking marijuana and listening to music and involved in their own lives, or whatever, their discussions.
例如，如果你的父母从聚会或其他活动回家，或者他们只是吸大麻、听音乐、参与自己的生活，或者其他什么，他们的讨论。
And I'd be going upstairs and I'd be checking on you.
我会上楼去看看你。
Or I'd hear you crying, and I'd hear you crying and crying and crying, and no would come to see you.
或者我会听到你哭，我会听到你哭啊哭啊哭，却没有人来看你。
And there you'd be in the crib.
你就在婴儿床上。
I guess I was ashamed because I felt like I turned my back on you guys, on you little kids.
我想我很羞愧，因为我觉得我背弃了你们，背弃了你们这些小孩子。
And I came less and less to Katonah.
我越来越少去卡托纳了。
And when I had a big blow-up with Dad, I felt like I never saw you again.
当我和爸爸大吵一架时，我感觉我再也没有见过你。
And I felt like I didn't want to see you again.
我感觉我不想再见到你了。
Because it conjured up so many horrible images.
因为它让人想起很多可怕的画面。
This was completely new to me.
这对我来说是全新的。
When I sat down to interview Josie, we barely knew each other.
当我坐下来采访乔西时，我们几乎不认识对方。
I'd always heard the stories about this crazy period when my dad actually lived in the house I grew up in.
我一直听过关于这段疯狂时期的故事，当时我父亲实际上住在我长大的房子里。
But I never thought of myself as a part of it.
但我从未想过自己是其中的一部分。
And when Josie first mentioned it, I brushed it off.
当乔西第一次提到这件事时，我不予理睬。
Then one afternoon, after we went for a hike in the mountains, she came into my room, visibly upset.
有一天下午，我们去山里徒步旅行后，她走进我的房间，显然很沮丧。
She started to cry for me and Scott.
她开始为我和斯科特哭泣。
She felt so guilty that we were so neglected, and for abandoning us.
她对我们如此被忽视、抛弃我们感到非常内疚。
Now I heard her, but I felt like she was talking to the wrong person.
现在我听到了她的声音，但我觉得她在跟错误的人说话。
I wasn't hurt by that stuff, I said.
我没有被那些东西伤害，我说。
That wasn't me.
那不是我。
It was just a baby I don't relate with.
这只是一个与我无关的婴儿。
And I pointed out that she was just a kid herself.
我指出她自己也只是个孩子。
She had nothing to be guilty about.
她没有什么可内疚的。
But it shook me.
但它震撼了我。
I guess I'd always thought that while my dad was running around being crazy, my mom was crouched in the corner with me safely tucked under her arm.
我想我一直以为，当我爸爸疯狂地跑来跑去时，我妈妈却蹲在角落里，把我安全地夹在她的腋下。
It didn't occur to me that I was caught up in all of the chaos.
我没有想到我被卷入了所有的混乱之中。
I was starting to realize that the story I was trying to tell couldn't be the same one I had started out to do.
我开始意识到我试图讲述的故事与我开始讲述的故事不同。
I was feeling differently about Dad.
我对爸爸有不同的感觉。
I was beginning to have a hard time seeing anything noble about his pursuit of his dreams.
我开始很难看出他对梦想的追求有什么高尚之处。
1972 to 1978, the time of Bacchus and Batman.
1972年到1978年，巴克斯和蝙蝠侠的时代。
The odd thing is, I believed at the time I was acting in the highest morality.
奇怪的是，我当时相信自己是在以最高的道德行事。
It was basically the morality declared by Abbie Hoffman, the yippie leader, in his book, Steal This Book.
这基本上就是雅皮领袖艾比·霍夫曼在他的书《偷这本书》中宣扬的道德。
The idea was, the system is corrupt beyond salvaging.
这个想法是，这个系统已经腐败到无法挽救的地步。
Tear everything down.
把一切都撕下来。
Rip everything off.
把一切都撕掉。
You are a law unto yourself.
你就是你自己的法则。
To thine own self be true.
对自己要真实。
After my parents' divorce, Dad was still doing a lot of drugs, incapable of holding onto a job or a girlfriend.
父母离婚后，爸爸仍然吸毒，无法保住工作或女朋友。
He was working as a professional actor, which meant he was mostly broke.
他是一名职业演员，这意味着他几乎一文不名。
He was on The Guiding Light for a couple of years, playing an evil Texas lawyer named Raymond Schafer.
他在《指路明灯》中出演了几年，扮演一位名叫雷蒙德·谢弗的邪恶的德克萨斯州律师。
When we were out with him, women would stop him on the street and ask him for his autograph.
当我们和他一起出去时，女人们会在街上拦住他，向他索要签名。
We thought that was pretty cool.
我们认为这很酷。
Batman.
蝙蝠侠。
Keith Aldrich Dick, what's wrong?
基思·奥尔德里奇·迪克，怎么了？
Not Dick, not now.
迪克不行，现在不行。
Time for Robin and Batman.
罗宾和蝙蝠侠的时间到了。
No?
不？
Gillian Aldrich Dad wrote and acted the part of Batman on a series of records about the Caped Crusader.
吉莉安·奥尔德里奇的爸爸在一系列有关斗篷十字军的唱片中创作并扮演了蝙蝠侠。
This one's called If Music Be the Food of Death.
这首曲子叫《如果音乐是死亡的食物》。
To me and my brother, he was a superhero.
对于我和我的兄弟来说，他是一位超级英雄。
I was seven years old.
那年我七岁。
We have to pull the lever with a letter that answers the riddle.
我们必须用一封能解答谜语的字母来拉动杠杆。
Hmm.
唔。
A letter like an escape.
一封如同逃避的信。
When we saw him on the weekends, he was at his best, attentive and fun.
当我们周末见到他时，他处于最佳状态，细心且有趣。
Good, Robin, good.
很好，罗宾，很好。
What's the other one?
另一件是什么？
Why is a speeding train like a citizen of Moscow?
为什么飞驰的火车像莫斯科公民？
Hmm, of course, of course.
嗯，当然，当然。
Man What is it?
男人 这是什么？
They're both rushin'.
他们俩都很着急。
Gillian Aldrich True to form, Dad's life was just about to turn upside down once again.
吉莉安·奥尔德里奇 果然，爸爸的生活即将再次发生翻天覆地的变化。
Coming up, one child found, one child lost.
即将到来，一名儿童被发现，一名儿童丢失。
That's in a minute from Public Radio International when our program continues.
一分钟后，国际公共广播电台将继续我们的节目。
It's This American Life.
这就是美国生活。
I'm Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯。
In a sense, there are lots of families like the Aldriches.
从某种意义上说，像奥尔德里奇家族这样的家庭还有很多。
A parent leaves, remarries, makes a new life.
父母离开，再婚，开始新的生活。
And the kids in the first marriage are left to make sense of it somehow.
第一次婚姻中的孩子们不得不以某种方式理解它。
The Aldriches are just an extreme case.
奥尔德里奇夫妇只是一个极端的例子。
Dad left five different families.
爸爸离开了五个不同的家庭。
Nine kids were left struggling what to make of it, and what to make of each other.
九个孩子都在纠结如何看待这一切，以及如何看待彼此。
Gillian's story continues.
阿娇的故事还在继续。
Harry was the one sibling who didn't come to Dad's funeral.
哈利是唯一一个没有参加父亲葬礼的兄弟姐妹。
Shelly was the only one of us who had ever met him.
雪莉是我们当中唯一见过他的人。
No one had any idea where he was.
没有人知道他在哪里。
I finally found him on the internet.
我终于在网上找到了他。
It turns out that he lives in New York, where I live.
原来他住在纽约，我也住在那里。
I didn't know if he'd want anything to do with the family, because my dad practically disowned him.
我不知道他是否愿意与这个家庭有任何关系，因为我父亲几乎与他断绝了关系。
But he was as excited to meet as I was.
但他和我一样对见面感到兴奋。
Good to meet you.
很高兴认识你。
We were both pretty nervous.
我们都很紧张。
So you're my brother.
所以你是我的兄弟。
So what do you think?
那么你觉得怎么样？
Do we look alike?
我们长得很像吗？
You do?
你做？
Do you see anything?
你看到什么了吗？
As far as I'm concerned, there's a huge family resemblance.
就我而言，家族之间有很大的相似之处。
He has exactly the same low hairline and stick-out ears my dad had.
他的发际线很低，耳朵伸出来，和我父亲一模一样。
He looks a lot like my dad, actually.
事实上，他长得很像我爸爸。
Harry's 22 years old.
哈利22岁了。
He's smart and funny.
他很聪明又有趣。
We were instantly comfortable with each other.
我们立刻就彼此感到很舒服。
Harry was born during the mid '70s, in the midst of Dad's unstable life in New York.
哈利出生于 70 年代中期，当时父亲在纽约的生活不稳定。
Dad dated Harry's mom for a few months.
爸爸和哈利的妈妈约会了几个月。
She got pregnant.
她怀孕了。
Dad rejected her.
爸爸拒绝了她。
She moved to a commune in Tennessee called The Farm, where Harry grew up.
她搬到了田纳西州一个叫农场的公社，哈利在那里长大。
Dad only saw Harry a handful of times.
爸爸只见过哈利几次。
And Harry's few memories of Dad take place mostly 10 or 15 years after he was born.
哈利对父亲的记忆很少，大部分发生在他出生后10年或15年。
I guess I have three or four memories, I think it might have been over the course of two trips.
我想我有三四个记忆，我想这可能是在两次旅行的过程中的。
This was when he lived in a condo in southern California.
当时他住在南加州的一套公寓里。
I don't think he was attached at the time.
我认为他当时并没有执着。
He was living such a early '90s microwave life is the only way to put it.
他过着90年代初的微波生活，这是唯一的说法。
It was one of the pop-up condominium strips in southern California, which are just like wildfire across southern California.
这是南加州的快闪公寓区之一，就像野火一样席卷了南加州。
I would go there, and we'd go to the grocery store and buy three frozen pizzas and come back and microwave them.
我会去那里，我们会去杂货店买三个冷冻披萨，然后回来用微波炉加热。
He lived this total microwave existence.
他过着完全微波般的生活。
And everything about his life seemed like just pop in, pop out kind of thing.
他生活中的一切似乎都是突然出现、突然出现的事情。
So we're at this apartment.
所以我们在这间公寓。
And I guess I was vacuuming with a little hand-vac.
我想我正在用一个小型手动真空吸尘器吸尘。
And he was still sort of in the process of moving into his place.
他仍然在搬进他的位置的过程中。
And I bumped a box that a lamp was on, and the lamp fell.
我撞到了一个开着灯的盒子，灯掉了下来。
And it didn't work.
但它不起作用。
And so I just got paranoid.
所以我变得偏执了。
I was like, oh my gosh, I think I broke this lamp.
我当时想，天哪，我想我打破了这盏灯。
And so I didn't want to not tell him.
所以我不想不告诉他。
The smart thing to do maybe would have been to not tell him.
也许明智的做法是不告诉他。
But my conscience forced me to go in there.
但我的良心强迫我进去。
And I said, I think I broke the lamp.
我说，我想我打破了灯。
It's not working.
它不起作用。
And he went in there.
他就进去了。
And he tried to turn it on, and it didn't work.
他尝试打开它，但没有成功。
And he just exploded.
他就爆炸了。
He just freaked out.
他简直吓坏了。
He just started tearing apart his office.
他刚刚开始拆毁他的办公室。
He dropped the lamp on the ground, and he was just storming and standing there, screaming at me and throwing things on the ground, spilling his papers all over the place, sweeping things, just like a maniac.
他把灯摔在地上，然后气冲冲地站在那里，对着我尖叫，把东西扔到地上，把文件撒得到处都是，扫东西，就像一个疯子。
And he finally just calmed down.
而他也终于平静了下来。
And then he took the lamp.
然后他接过灯。
And he went, and he checked the bulb.
他去了，检查了灯泡。
And the bulb had broken.
灯泡坏了。
And he changed the bulb, and the lamp worked.
他换了灯泡，灯就亮了。
And so then we just cleaned up the room.
然后我们就把房间打扫干净了。
And he was apologetic.
他很抱歉。
And he's like, man, why did I do this.
他说，伙计，我为什么要这样做。
And I'm thinking, even if this lamp had been broken, you caused 10 times more trouble flipping out about it.
我在想，即使这盏灯坏了，你也会因为它而生气十倍。
Obviously, I guess he was just struggling with a lot of things.
显然，我猜他只是在与很多事情作斗争。
I don't think it had to do with the lamp at all.
我认为这与灯根本没有关系。
On another trip, Harry says Dad was reading the newspaper about the Pan Am flight that went down over Lockerbie, Scotland.
在另一次旅行中，哈利说爸爸正在读报纸，报道泛美航空公司的航班在苏格兰洛克比上空坠毁。
Never one to hold anything back, Dad started crying about the victims.
爸爸从来没有隐瞒过什么，他开始为受害者哭泣。
And I remember thinking, what a tender thing.
我记得当时我在想，这是多么温柔的事情啊。
This guy is really real.
这家伙还真是真实啊。
He's compassionate.
他很有同情心。
He's crying for all these people.
他为所有这些人哭泣。
And I remember almost feeling bad, like gee, why am I not more broken up about this, and wanting to feel more upset about it.
我记得我几乎感觉很糟糕，天哪，为什么我不对此更加伤心，并且想要为此感到更加沮丧。
But then he went right out of being upset about that to just laying straight into me about me, about existing period.
但随后他就不再对此感到不安，而是直接向我讲述了我的情况，以及当前的时期。
He was like, I don't want you up here.
他说，我不想让你在这里。
Your mom is just sticking you in my life.
你妈妈只是把你留在我的生活中。
I didn't ask for you to come visit.
我并没有要求你来拜访。
And then he starts going into all these things about I've never even wanted you.
然后他开始谈论所有这些关于我从来没有想要过你的事情。
You were just a manipulation that your mom used to try and get to me.
你只是你妈妈用来试图接近我的一个操纵者。
And he was just railing at me.
他只是在责备我。
And I remember feeling so, so worthless and so insecure and so unhappy, and just scared and depressed.
我记得我感觉如此，如此无价值，如此没有安全感，如此不快乐，而且只是害怕和沮丧。
I remember it was around that time when I was like-- it may have been around that time.
我记得就在那个时候，我想——可能就在那个时候。
But it was experiences like that that made me think, I don't know what it would have been like to have actually ever spent any period of my life being raised by this person.
但正是这样的经历让我思考，我不知道如果我生命中的任何一段时间是由这个人抚养长大的话，会是什么样子。
I could not imagine what it would be like to have to go home from school and know that he was going to be there.
我无法想象放学回家并知道他会在那里会是什么样子。
And I thought, I could not have handled it.
我想，我无法处理它。
I would have broken.
我会崩溃的。
I would have absolutely broken.
我会彻底崩溃的。
And I remember feeling so grateful, so grateful, that I had not been raised by him at all.
我记得我感到非常感激，非常感激，我根本不是由他抚养长大的。
Because I never felt let down that Keith had not raised me at all, that he had not been there for me.
因为我从来没有因为基思根本没有抚养我、没有在我身边而感到失望。
The honest truth of the way I felt was why is he even coming along now and making it harder.
我真实的感受是，为什么他现在出现了，让事情变得更加困难。
Growing up the furthest from Dad, having the least contact with him of any of us, Harry's also the least conflicted of all the siblings.
哈利在我们当中离父亲最远的地方长大，与父亲的接触最少，他也是所有兄弟姐妹中冲突最少的一个。
Me, I'm not nearly so settled.
我呢，还没有那么安定。
1979 to 1988, reborn again.
1979年到1988年，再次重生。
Around the time that Ronald Reagan took office, and the Moral Majority began to hold sway around the country, my father became a Christian.
罗纳德·里根上任后，道德多数开始在全国占据主导地位，我父亲成为了基督徒。
It was beginning to appear that my life was going to amount to nothing, a big fat zero.
我的生活开始变得一无所有，变成一个巨大的零。
By now, I had trampled roughshod over the feelings and hearts of scores of people who loved me-- family, friends, children, lovers, associates-- all on the altar of my artistry.
到现在为止，我已经粗暴地践踏了许多爱我的人的感情和心灵——家人、朋友、孩子、爱人、同事——所有这些都在我的艺术祭坛上。
My self-contempt made me meaner than ever, and I was usually stoned or a little smashed.
我的自卑让我比以往任何时候都更加刻薄，我通常会被石头砸死或有点崩溃。
In the late '70s, shortly after Harry was born, one of my dad's girlfriends began dragging him to meetings at an evangelical church.
七十年代末，哈利出生后不久，我父亲的一位女朋友开始拉着他去福音派教堂参加聚会。
My mind, which had been closed for so many years, was beginning to open.
我封闭了多年的心灵开始敞开。
The hardness of my heart began to melt.
我坚硬的心开始融化。
I teetered on the brink of believing.
我在相信的边缘摇摇欲坠。
I longed so to believe.
我多么渴望相信。
My father was saved, born again.
我的父亲得救了，重生了。
He moved to California and briefly lived his lifelong dream of doing his own theater.
他搬到了加利福尼亚州，并短暂地实现了他一生的梦想：开办自己的剧院。
He traveled around southern California, performing his Christian plays.
他周游南加州，表演他的基督教戏剧。
At the end of each performance, Dad would stand up and preach, calling people up front to be saved, laying his hands on the repentant.
每次演出结束时，爸爸都会站起来讲道，呼吁人们得救，并按手在悔改的人身上。
Scott started thinking Dad was a weirdo and a fake.
斯科特开始认为爸爸是个怪人，也是个骗子。
He could see that Dad was as aggressive and self-obsessed as he'd ever been, but now it was all in the service of Jesus.
他可以看到爸爸一如既往地咄咄逼人、自恋，但现在一切都是为了耶稣。
We were driving out to the desert, and Dad was speaking in tongues.
我们开车去沙漠，爸爸正在说方言。
And I was in the front seat.
我坐在前座。
You were in the back.
你当时在后面。
We were on our way to Palm Springs.
我们正在前往棕榈泉的路上。
And Dad was speaking in tongues.
爸爸说的是方言。
And it sounded like, "Oh shalakh halem alakh hulum alakh haleng." Those were the kind of sounds it sounded like.
听起来就像是“哦，shalakh halem alakh hulum alakh haleng”。听起来就是这样的声音。
And you and I used to look at each other like, "what the hell is he doing?"
你和我过去常常互相看着对方，“他到底在做什么？”
And I remember I said, "So Dad, what is that chanting you're doing?" And I said, "Is that some ancient Hebrew?
我记得我说：“爸爸，你在唱什么歌？”我说：“这是古希伯来语吗？
Are you praying?" And he said, "Well, it's interesting you ask that, because I don't know what it is.
你在祈祷吗？”他说：“嗯，你问这个问题很有趣，因为我不知道那是什么。
It could be some ancient, dead tongue.
它可能是某种古老的、死去的舌头。
But," he said, "I received the Holy Spirit.
但是，”他说，“我接受了圣灵。
And when you receive the Holy Spirit, the Holy Spirit speaks through you."
当你接受圣灵时，圣灵就会通过你说话。”
And I said, "Wow, that's very interesting." And he asked if I would like to speak in tongues.
我说：“哇，这很有趣。”他问我是否愿意说方言。
And I said, "Uh, well, all right, I guess," totally worried.
我说，“呃，好吧，我想，”完全担心。
And then he put his hands in my head, and he started speaking in tongues.
然后他把手放在我的头上，开始说方言。
And he said, "Heavenly father, let the Holy Spirit come through Scott," and everything, and did this whole prayer.
他说：“天父，让圣灵通过司各特降临”，等等，并做了整个祷告。
And then he said, OK.
然后他说，好吧。
This was while he was driving too.
这也是他开车的时候。
We were on the interstate in the desert.
我们在沙漠中的州际公路上。
And then he said, "OK, Scott.
然后他说：“好吧，斯科特。
I want you to speak in tongues." And I was totally self-conscious.
我要你说方言。”我完全不自觉。
And I looked at you.
我看着你。
You were just absolutely cracking up silently.
你简直就是无声无息地大笑。
And I kept hemming and hawing.
我一直支支吾吾。
He said, "Go ahead.
他说：“继续吧。
Don't be afraid."
别害怕。”
And then I started to speak this language that you and I had made up when we were little kids, like "Obaca lucca shula lucca la." I just made up this language.
然后我开始说你和我小时候编造的语言，比如“Obaca lucca shula lucca la”。我刚刚编造了这种语言。
And you were practically dying in the backseat.
而你在后座上几乎要死了。
And he was just supporting me, like "Oh, that's good, yeah.
他只是支持我，就像“哦，那很好，是的。
Keep going.
继续。
Keep going."
继续。”
And then we went to visit Grandpa Aldrich.
然后我们去拜访奥尔德里奇爷爷。
And then he started doing it again with Grandpa Aldrich.
然后他又开始和奥尔德里奇爷爷一起做。
And it wasn't any funny anymore.
这不再好笑了。
And then Grandpa Aldrich, after he was so afraid, he went to the bathroom in his pants.
然后奥尔德里奇爷爷非常害怕，就穿着裤子去了洗手间。
And we had to deal with it.
我们必须处理它。
And Dad just got furious.
爸爸简直生气了。
And I remember just thinking, oh, this poor old man.
我记得我只是想，哦，这个可怜的老人。
At some point, most of my brothers and sisters went through a phase of being Dad's favorite.
在某些时候，我的大多数兄弟姐妹都经历过成为爸爸最爱的阶段。
And then they'd see through him, or he'd turn on them.
然后他们就会识破他，或者他就会攻击他们。
There was always a confrontation.
总是有对抗。
And it ended.
一切都结束了。
My father's two youngest children, Sarah and Grace, never confronted him like this when he was alive.
我父亲生前的两个最小的孩子莎拉和格蕾丝从来没有这样面对过他。
They were too little.
他们太少了。
So they're stuck trying to figure out what to make of him now, five years after his death.
因此，在他去世五年后，他们一直在努力弄清楚如何看待他。
I just saw him as two different people.
我只是把他视为两个不同的人。
There was the guy who beat my mom, but then there's the guy who spreads the word.
有一个人殴打了我妈妈，但也有一个人传播了这个消息。
I don't know.
我不知道。
It seems so typical.
看起来很典型。
It just seems so-- that's all I know.
看来是这样——我只知道这些。
That's all I've ever known, and that's all I know as a father kind of thing.
这就是我所知道的一切，这就是我作为一个父亲所知道的一切。
Sarah's Dad's second-youngest.
莎拉的父亲排行第二。
She just turned 18.
她刚满18岁。
They're from his marriage to Mary in the 1980s.
它们是他在 20 世纪 80 年代与玛丽结婚时留下的。
They grew up mostly in Colorado.
他们主要在科罗拉多州长大。
Sarah was just a baby when I lived with Dad.
当我和爸爸住在一起时，莎拉还是个婴儿。
And just like Josie felt guilty for abandoning me as a baby, I've always had a nagging guilt for leaving Sarah and Grace behind.
就像乔西因在我还是个婴儿时就抛弃我而感到内疚一样，我也一直对抛下莎拉和格蕾丝怀有一种挥之不去的内疚感。
I remember loving Daddy a lot.
我记得我非常爱爸爸。
And that's because I never really saw the side that everyone seems to hate about him.
那是因为我从来没有真正看到每个人似乎都讨厌他的一面。
He always loved me a lot.
他一直很爱我。
And he always told me he did.
他总是告诉我他做到了。
I was Daddy's girl.
我是爸爸的女儿。
It made so much sense for Sarah to be conflicted about that.
莎拉对此感到矛盾是很有意义的。
I saw so much of me in her.
我在她身上看到了很多我的影子。
I had also been Daddy's girl.
我也曾是爸爸的女儿。
And I remember the weekend I felt it transferred to her, one weekend after I'd refused to see my father for a long time, and had clearly asserted my independence from him.
我记得那个周末我感觉这种感觉转移到了她身上，就在我很长一段时间拒绝见到父亲并明确表示我独立于他之后的一个周末。
In that weekend Dad put all of his emotional, I'd say manipulative, energy into her.
那个周末，爸爸把他所有的情感，我可以说是操纵性的精力都投入到了她身上。
I remember being in Virginia with you and Dad.
我记得和你还有爸爸在弗吉尼亚。
Scott and I came down to visit for a weekend and you were up visiting also.
斯科特和我周末过来拜访，你也来拜访。
Do you remember that?
你还记得吗？
Yeah, I do remember that.
是的，我确实记得这一点。
Gillian Aldrich I remember that you were the most beautiful little girl.
Gillian Aldrich 我记得你是最美丽的小女孩。
And you were just starting to gain a little bit of weight, not a lot, but a little.
你的体重刚刚开始增加一点点，不是很多，而是一点点。
And we were going out to eat.
我们正要出去吃饭。
And Dad kept giving you all this really bad food.
爸爸一直给你吃这些非常难吃的食物。
And I remember you saying to him, "Daddy, I'm not supposed to eat that.
我记得你对他说：“爸爸，我不应该吃那个。
I'm supposed to be on a diet." And he said to you, "Sarah, I love you.
我应该节食。”他对你说：“莎拉，我爱你。
And anyone who tells you that you can't eat whatever you want doesn't love you.
任何告诉你不能吃任何你想吃的东西的人都不爱你。
I think you should eat absolutely anything you want.
我认为你绝对应该吃任何你想吃的东西。
In fact, tell me what you want, and I'll let you have it." Do you remember that?
事实上，告诉我你想要什么，我就会给你。”你还记得吗？
I don't remember that.
我不记得了。
I do remember my mom telling me I looked really heavy when I came back, though.
不过，我记得妈妈告诉我，当我回来时，我看起来很重。
I got the distinct feeling that he wanted you to eat as much as you could eat.
我有一种明显的感觉，他希望你能吃多少就吃多少。
Why?
为什么？
Just so I would love him more or respect him more?
只是为了让我更爱他或更尊重他吗？
I don't know.
我不知道。
It took me forever to lose that weight.
我花了很长时间才减掉体重。
[LAUGHTER] Sarah I was a fat kid.
[笑声] 莎拉 我是个胖孩子。
God, middle school was a pain in the ass.
天哪，中学真是一件痛苦的事。
I think, and I'm just conjecturing here, and I could be wrong.
我想，我只是在这里猜测，我可能是错的。
But I think that he also said to me on that trip, "Sarah's going to be the kid that stays with me.
但我认为他在那次旅行中也对我说过：“莎拉将成为陪伴我的孩子。
Everyone else has left me.
其他人都离开了我。
But Sarah's still loyal.
但莎拉仍然忠诚。
She's going to stay with me." And that, combined with his comment about you eating as much as you want, really made me think he was trying to get you to stay with him.
她会和我在一起。”再加上他对你想吃多少就吃多少的评论，真的让我觉得他试图让你和他在一起。
[SIGH] Gillian Aldrich While my older brothers and sisters have gone farther in working out their feelings about my father, and in the process have distanced themselves or partially rejected him, Sarah simply can't, not yet anyway.
[叹息]吉莉安·奥尔德里奇 虽然我的哥哥姐姐们已经更深入地了解了他们对我父亲的感情，并在这个过程中疏远了他，或者部分拒绝了他，但莎拉却做不到，至少现在还不能。
And one thing I remember about my dad is he was taking pictures of me one day.
关于我父亲，我记得的一件事是有一天他给我拍照。
And I still have the pictures.
我还留着照片。
And I look at them now.
我现在看着他们。
I had a bad perm, my bad glasses.
我的烫发很糟糕，我的眼镜也很糟糕。
And it was a time I was getting really hefty.
那是我变得非常胖的时候。
And I was wearing sweats.
而且我还穿着汗衫。
But I remember specifically when he was taking these pictures.
但我特别记得他拍摄这些照片的时候。
And he was like, "You're an extremely beautiful girl, Sarah." He's like, "You could grow up and take pictures like this for a living," and stuff like that.
他说：“莎拉，你是一个非常漂亮的女孩。”他说，“你长大后可以以这样的照片为生”之类的话。
And no one else said that about me at that time.
当时没有人这么说我。
No one else said that to me.
没有其他人对我这么说过。
It apparently meant a lot to me, because that's one of the things I remember now.
这显然对我来说意义重大，因为这是我现在记得的事情之一。
It's like Daddy knew.
说得好像爸爸都知道似的。
Daddy knew I was going to be OK.
爸爸知道我会没事的。
And I guess things like that have always been slightly comforting to me now.
我想这样的事情现在对我来说总是有点安慰。
If you have a parent like my father, someone who can be so seductive when he wants to be, and so irrational and violent at other times, you spend a long time after they're gone trying to make sense of it all.
如果你有一个像我父亲一样的父母，他想的时候可以如此诱人，而其他时候又如此非理性和暴力，那么在他们去世后你会花很长时间试图理解这一切。
Only recently has those kinds of things changed, just because I've given a lot of thought to it.
直到最近这些事情才发生了变化，只是因为我考虑了很多。
And I don't even know what to tell people if they ask me about my father.
如果人们问起我父亲，我什至不知道该告诉他们什么。
I wouldn't even know where to start or what I would say.
我什至不知道从哪里开始，也不知道该说什么。
Grace, right now, she has a pretty good idea the way she feels.
格蕾丝，现在，她很清楚自己的感受。
And she looks almost as if she's angry to a certain extent, and sad to another.
她看上去似乎在某种程度上感到愤怒，而在另一种情况下又感到悲伤。
I'm just so indifferent.
我就是这么冷漠。
And indifferent is the worst feeling in the world.
而冷漠是世界上最糟糕的感觉。
It's almost a sin in my eyes to just not care.
在我看来，不关心几乎是一种罪过。
I mean I do care.
我的意思是我确实在乎。
But it's just so-- I don't.
但事实就是如此——我不这么认为。
I was lucky enough that it happened early enough in my life that it's not going to make an impact.
我很幸运，它发生在我生命的早期，不会产生影响。
I don't have a dad.
我没有爸爸。
I never really did.
我从来没有真正这样做过。
Right now, that's the way I've conditioned myself to thinking.
现在，这就是我习惯于思考的方式。
By the time I left Sarah, I no longer saw my dad as someone who became a different person with each new wife, in each new decade.
当我离开莎拉时，我不再认为我的父亲在每一个新的十年里，随着每一位新妻子的出现而变得不同。
What Sarah said was all too familiar.
莎拉说的话太熟悉了。
I'd heard and felt all of this before.
我以前听过并感受到过这一切。
Looking through the eyes of all my siblings, I saw my father as a person who put on different costumes as the cultural tide changed, who was essentially the same underneath.
在所有兄弟姐妹的眼中，我看到父亲是一个随着文化潮流的变化而穿上不同服装的人，但本质上是一样的。
I think my father created a mythology rather than a real life for himself, a series of mythologies, American mythologies.
我认为我父亲为自己创造了一个神话而不是现实生活，一系列神话，美国神话。
The tortured artist, the rising Hollywood star, the Beat playwright, the Manhattan literary type, the acid-dropping hippie, the '70s hedonist, the conservative born-again, the wandering missionary.
饱受折磨的艺术家、好莱坞新星、垮掉派剧作家、曼哈顿文学类型、令人迷醉的嬉皮士、70年代的享乐主义者、重生的保守派、流浪的传教士。
Every phase was a new way of mythologizing himself.
每个阶段都是一种将自己神话化的新方式。
For all my talk about my dad following his dreams, I think his dreams weren't even his own, but second-hand dreams borrowed from American popular culture.
尽管我一直在谈论我父亲追随他的梦想，但我认为他的梦想甚至不是他自己的，而是从美国流行文化借用的二手梦想。
As it changed, so did he.
随着情况的改变，他也随之改变。
It seemed that he couldn't separate the fantasy of these public myths from real life.
他似乎无法将这些公众神话的幻想与现实生活区分开来。
In his most personal interactions, he would become D.
在他最私人的互动中，他将成为 D.
H.
H.
Lawrence, Henry Fonda, Henry Miller, instead of Keith Aldrich.
劳伦斯、亨利方达、亨利米勒，而不是基思奥尔德里奇。
In most standard biographies, people change and grow.
在大多数标准传记中，人们都会改变和成长。
They face challenges and go through heroic changes.
他们面临挑战，经历英雄变革。
But what happens to the people who get stuck making the same mistakes over and over?
但那些一遍又一遍地犯同样错误的人会怎样呢？
For all the surface changes in his life, my father simply put himself in the same situation again and again.
对于生活中所有表面的变化，我父亲只是一次又一次地将自己置于同样的境地。
Here he is writing March 26, 1993.
他写的是 1993 年 3 月 26 日。
And it's just before your graduation from Boulder.
就在你从博尔德毕业之前。
And he says, "Dear Scott.
他说：“亲爱的斯科特。
I'm finally brought to a dead stop.
我终于彻底停了下来。
Car broken down for the second time in a two-week trip we took to pick up my stuff in California."
在我们去加州取东西的两周旅程中，汽车第二次抛锚。”
Scott read me a letter Dad wrote him during this last period in his life, just a few months before he died, right after he married his fifth wife, Shirley.
斯科特给我读了一封父亲在他生命的最后阶段写给他的信，就在他去世前几个月，就在他与第五任妻子雪莉结婚后。
"And of course, I would like for you to know Shirley.
“当然，我想让你认识雪莉。
The main problem I have had with others is that invariably, after a beginning which implies they are sympathetic with my artistic goals, they expect me to give up those goals and devote myself to building some kind of material estate.
我和其他人遇到的主要问题是，总是在开始时暗示他们同情我的艺术目标，他们希望我放弃这些目标并致力于建设某种物质财富。
But they have actively sought to sidetrack me." Can you believe this?
但他们却积极地试图转移我的注意力。”你能相信吗？
No. Scott "I'm aware it will seem odd to you and others who have suffered from some degree of non-support from me.
不。斯科特“我知道这对于你和其他因我某种程度的不支持而遭受痛苦的人来说会显得很奇怪。
But to me, the 'story of my life'," in quotes, "is one of repeatedly setting aside my work to meet the needs of wives and children." Interesting.
但对我来说，‘我一生的故事’，”引言中，“是不断搁置工作来满足妻子和孩子的需要的故事。”很有趣。
It's amazing to me that he finds all of these ways to justify himself continually.
令我惊讶的是，他找到了所有这些方法来不断地为自己辩护。
His whole interpretation of the problems in his life is being somehow him compromising himself with his wives and children.
他对生活中问题的全部解释是他在与妻子和孩子之间做出了某种妥协。
He essentially is blaming them for his inability to be a great artist, which I think is just a bunch of crap.
他本质上是在指责他们无法成为一名伟大的艺术家，我认为这只是一堆废话。
My father died in July of 1993.
我父亲于 1993 年 7 月去世。
He had just started yet another theater company and married his fifth wife.
他刚刚创办了另一家剧院公司并娶了他的第五任妻子。
His relationships with all of his children were strained and distant.
他与所有孩子的关系都紧张而疏远。
I'm Keith Aldrich, the man's second child, first son.
我是基思·奥尔德里奇，这个男人的第二个孩子，也是第一个儿子。
Thank you for coming.
谢谢您的光临。
Dad and I had in common an urge to strike out and wander and do things differently, and sometimes in an unapproved way.
爸爸和我都有一个共同的愿望，那就是出去闯荡、四处游荡、以不同的方式做事，有时甚至以一种未经批准的方式做事。
This is my father, speaking at his father's memorial service.
这是我的父亲，在他父亲的追悼会上讲话。
The way my father talks about his father I think is pretty much the way he'd want to be remembered, the way he'd want me to eulogize him, here on the radio.
我认为我父亲谈论他父亲的方式几乎就是他希望被记住的方式，他希望我在广播中歌颂他的方式。
He was a heartbroken man.
他是一个伤心欲绝的人。
He was a loving man.
他是一个充满爱心的人。
In his pain, he often struck out at people around him, or was irritated.
在痛苦中，他经常攻击周围的人，或者被激怒。
But it was only out of his pain.
但这只是出于他的痛苦。
He was so close to the Lord, and he was so contrite over the error of his ways.
他与主如此亲近，并且为自己的错误而悔悟。
And he endured so much scorn and contempt, and disapproval from people whom he loved so much.
他忍受了他深爱的人们的蔑视、蔑视和反对。
And I could share that with him.
我可以与他分享这一点。
I knew what that felt like.
我知道那是什么感觉。
And he endured it with love in his heart, returned love.
他用心中的爱去承受，用爱回报。
And I'm here to honor him, commend his soul to the Lord.
我来这里是为了向他致敬，将他的灵魂交托给主。
In the last few months, meeting with all of my father's children, I've come to know two things for sure.
在过去的几个月里，与我父亲所有的孩子们见面后，我确实知道了两件事。
One is that in his own way, he did love each of us.
一是他以自己的方式爱我们每个人。
The other is that for all that, none of his children could eulogize him the way he would want.
另一个问题是，尽管如此，他的孩子们都无法按照他想要的方式歌颂他。
None of us see him the way he saw himself.
我们没有人以他看待自己的方式看待他。
Well, our program was produced today by Julie Snyder and myself, with Alix Spiegel and Nancy Updike.
嗯，我们今天的节目是由朱莉·斯奈德和我本人以及阿利克斯·斯皮格尔和南希·厄普代克制作的。
Contributing editors for this show, Paul Tough, Jack Hitt, Margy Rochlin, and consigliere Sarah Vowell.
本节目的特约编辑包括 Paul Tough、Jack Hitt、Margy Rochlin 和顾问 Sarah Vowell。
Production help from [?
来自 [?的生产帮助
Amy Takahara, ?] Jorge Just, Sylvia Lemus, Seth Lind, and Bruce Wallace.
艾米·高原，？]豪尔赫·贾斯特、西尔维娅·莱姆斯、塞斯·林德和布鲁斯·华莱士。
The instrumental music in our program today was composed for us by [?
今天节目中的器乐是由[?
Willie Schwartz ?] and performed by Willie on keyboards, Larry Gray on bass, John Rice on guitar, and Douglas Brush on drums.
威利·施瓦茨（Willie Schwartz）？] 并由威利（键盘手）、拉里·格雷（贝斯手）、约翰·赖斯（吉他手）和道格拉斯·布鲁斯（鼓手）演奏。
[ACKNOWLEDGMENTS] Our website, where you can get our free weekly podcast or listen to our old shows for absolutely free, www.thisamericanlife.org.
[鸣谢] 我们的网站 www.thisamericanlife.org，您可以在其中获得我们的免费每周播客或完全免费收听我们的旧节目。
This American Life is distributed by Public Radio International.
《美国生活》由国际公共广播电台发行。
[FUNDING CREDITS] WBEZ management oversight for our program by Mr. Torey Malatia, who I would describe this way.
[资金来源] WBEZ 管理部门由 Torey Malatia 先生对我们的项目进行监督，我将这样描述他。
He enjoys sing-alongs with his guitar, talks freely about sex, makes a living as a computer programmer.
他喜欢弹着吉他唱歌，自由地谈论性，以计算机程序员为生。
I'm Ira Glass, back next week with more stories of This American Life.
我是艾拉·格拉斯，下周回来，带来更多《美国生活》的故事。
This American Life is produced in collaboration with WBEZ Chicago and delivered to stations by PRX The Public Radio Exchange.
《This American Life》与 WBEZ Chicago 合作制作，并由 PRX 公共广播电台传送到各电台。