103: Scenes from A Transplant - This American Life
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00:00 00:00 Transcript Share This American Life Life Partners How to Listen Episodes Recommended About Overview Staff Announcements Fellowships Jobs Music Make Radio On The Road FAQ Submissions Merch Contact Us Our Other Shows Merch Follow Us Life Partners Subscribe to our newsletter Full episode Toggle Audio and Transcript Sync Transcript | Episode #103 | May 29, 1998 103: Scenes from A Transplant Note: This American Life is produced for the ear and designed to be heard.
00:00 00:00 文字记录 分享此 美国生活 生活伙伴 如何收听 剧集 推荐 关于 概述 员工公告 奖学金 工作 音乐 在路上制作电台 常见问题解答 提交 商品 联系我们 我们的其他节目 商品 关注我们 生活伙伴 订阅我们的时事通讯 整集 切换音频和文字记录同步 文字记录 | 内容第 103 集 | 1998 年 5 月 29 日 103：移植场景 注：《美国生活》是为耳朵而制作的，旨在让人们听到。
If you are able, we strongly encourage you to listen to the audio, which includes emotion and emphasis that's not on the page.
如果可以的话，我们强烈建议您收听音频，其中包括页面上没有的情感和重点。
Transcripts are generated using a combination of speech recognition software and human transcribers, and may contain errors.
文字记录是使用语音识别软件和人工转录员结合生成的，可能包含错误。
Please check the corresponding audio before quoting in print.
请在印刷版引用前检查相应的音频。
Prologue Ira Glass Before he got sick, he pictured the world this way.
序言 Ira Glass 在生病之前，他是这样描绘世界的。
There are the people who are healthy, like him, and people who are sick, other people.
有像他这样健康的人，也有像其他人一样生病的人。
And unconsciously, as we all do, he drew a line between the two groups, the two countries.
正如我们所有人一样，他无意识地在两个群体、两个国家之间划出了一条界线。
Then when Paul Cowan was diagnosed with leukemia in 1987, he was struck with the fact that these are not, of course, two different populations, the sick and the healthy.
1987 年，当保罗·考恩 (Paul Cowan) 被诊断出患有白血病时，他惊讶地发现，这当然不是两个不同的人群：病人和健康人。
Instead he wrote, "The world is composed of the sick and the not yet sick."
相反，他写道：“世界是由病人和尚未患病的人组成的。”
He published an account of his illness in The Village Voice.
他在《乡村之声》上发表了对自己病情的描述。
"I want to describe some of what I've seen during the voyage I've made, the journey from being a person who took his health for granted to one who's trying to survive a life-threatening illness.
“我想描述一下我在航行中所看到的一些事情，从一个认为自己的健康是理所当然的人到一个试图在危及生命的疾病中生存的人的旅程。
I want to chart some of this wilderness for others who will be here one day." Well, that's the mission of today's radio program, because all of us, you and me both, if we're lucky, if we don't die when we're young, this is where we're heading, heart disease, cancer.
我想为有一天会来到这里的其他人绘制一些这片荒野的地图。”嗯，这就是今天广播节目的使命，因为我们所有人，你和我，如果我们幸运的话，如果我们没有在年轻时死去，这就是我们前进的方向：心脏病、癌症。
Men have a one in two lifetime chance of getting cancer.
男性一生中患癌症的几率为二分之一。
For women, it's one in three.
对于女性来说，这一比例为三分之一。
If you're a man hearing the sound of my voice right now, I want you to look at yourself for a moment.
如果你是一个男人，现在听到我的声音，我希望你审视一下自己。
It's you or me, man.
是你还是我，伙计。
Odds are one of us will get it.
我们中的一个人很可能会得到它。
Or we'll both get it.
或者我们都会得到它。
Two other guys will go off scot-free.
另外两个人将逍遥法外。
So let us chart this terrain where, if we all live long enough, we will be entering.
因此，让我们绘制出这个地形图，如果我们都活得足够长，我们将进入这个地形。
Cowan writes, "During the past five months, I've learned that there's a land of the sick.
考恩写道：“在过去的五个月里，我了解到有一片病人之地。
When you receive a passport, an unwelcome diagnosis, you learn that the land has its own language-- medical terminology-- its own geography-- hospitals, outpatient clinics, blood testing labs, doctors' offices-- its own citizens-- other sick people-- its own pantheon of heroes and authority figures-- doctors, medical researchers, hospital administrators-- its own calendar dictated by the changes in one's body or by the results of medical tests."
当你收到一本护照，一份不受欢迎的诊断结果时，你就会知道这片土地有它自己的语言——医学术语——它自己的地理——医院、门诊诊所、验血实验室、医生办公室——它自己的公民——其他病人——它自己的英雄和权威人物万神殿——医生、医学研究人员、医院管理人员——它自己的日历，由一个人的身体变化或医学检查结果决定。”
When you're well, it's hard to remember what it's like to be sick.
当你身体好的时候，很难记住生病的感觉。
And after just a brief time in the hospital, Cowan found it hard to remember what it was like for him just weeks before to be active and self-sufficient.
在医院呆了很短一段时间后，考恩发现很难记得几周前他活跃和自给自足的感觉。
His picture of himself changed.
他对自己的看法发生了变化。
He struggled to retain ties to the land of the healthy, to see himself as an exile who would return one day.
他努力保持与健康之地的联系，将自己视为有一天会回来的流亡者。
But he did not return.
但他没有回来。
Well, from WBEZ Chicago and Public Radio International, it's This American Life .
嗯，来自 WBEZ 芝加哥和国际公共广播电台，这是《美国生活》。
I'm Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯。
Most weeks, of course, we bring you a variety of different stories on some theme.
当然，大多数时候我们都会为您带来有关某个主题的各种不同的故事。
Today we bring you just one story about one person's journey from the world of healthy people into the world of sick ones.
今天我们给大家带来一个故事，讲述一个人从健康人的世界进入病人世界的旅程。
Today on our program, Scenes from a Transplant.
今天我们的节目《移植现场》。
In 1995, Rebecca Perl had a new baby boy that she and her partner, Tom, named Griffin.
1995 年，丽贝卡·珀尔 (Rebecca Perl) 生下了一个男婴，她和她的伴侣汤姆 (Tom) 给他取名格里芬 (Griffin)。
She was a health science reporter with National Public Radio in Washington, D.C., where she'd just won a Peabody Award for an investigative series about the tobacco industry.
她是华盛顿特区国家公共广播电台的一名健康科学记者，刚刚凭借有关烟草业的调查系列节目获得了皮博迪奖。
She did a lot of stories about doctors and medicine.
她写了很多关于医生和医学的故事。
Then she was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma and entered the medical world as a patient.
随后她被诊断出患有非霍奇金淋巴瘤，并以患者身份进入医学界。
She had six months of radiation and chemotherapy.
她接受了六个月的放疗和化疗。
It didn't work.
它不起作用。
So in the winter of 1996, as a last attempt to save her life, she and Tom traveled from their home in Maryland to Omaha, Nebraska, to the University of Nebraska Medical Center for a bone marrow transplant and another round of chemotherapy, a round of chemotherapy as much as 10 times stronger than the original.
于是在1996年的冬天，作为挽救她生命的最后一次尝试，她和汤姆从马里兰州的家来到内布拉斯加州的奥马哈，到内布拉斯加大学医学中心进行骨髓移植和另一轮化疗，这一轮化疗强度比原来强10倍。
Dan Collison, a friend of theirs and a radio producer, went with them, and he documented what happened.
他们的朋友兼广播制作人丹·科里森（Dan Collison）与他们一起去了，他记录了所发生的事情。
He also interviewed Rebecca a year later.
一年后他还采访了丽贝卡。
This is her story.
这是她的故事。
Daddy and Dan and I are going away, Griffy, for a little.
爸爸、丹和我要离开一段时间，格里菲。
We're going on a trip.
我们要去旅行。
You're going to stay with Grandpa and Grandma, with Pop-Pop and Grandma, OK?
你要和爷爷、奶奶、波波和奶奶住在一起，好吗？
Sometimes I worry that Griffin's going to fall in love with some woman who just lays in bed all the time because that's what he sees his mother doing in the first two years of his life.
有时我担心格里芬会爱上某个一直躺在床上的女人，因为这就是他看到母亲在他生命的头两年所做的事情。
I mean, he's going to fall in love with some woman who lies in bed and eats bonbons or something, or reads or something, because that seems to be what I'm turning into is this person who lies in bed all the time.
我的意思是，他会爱上某个躺在床上吃糖果或其他东西、读书或其他东西的女人，因为我似乎正在变成这个一直躺在床上的人。
Or else I lie on the couch and read him books or something.
或者我躺在沙发上给他读书什么的。
"Once there were three baby owls, Sarah, Percy, and Bill.
“从前有三只小猫头鹰，莎拉、珀西和比尔。
They lived in a hole in the trunk of a tree with their mother owl.
他们和猫头鹰妈妈住在树干的一个洞里。
The hole had twigs and leaves and owl feathers in it.
洞里有树枝、树叶和猫头鹰的羽毛。
It was their house.
那是他们的房子。
One night they woke up and their mother owl was gone.
一天晚上，他们醒来发现猫头鹰妈妈不见了。
'Where's Mommy?' said Sarah.
“妈妈在哪儿？”莎拉说。
'Oh, my goodness,' said Percy.
“哦，天哪，”珀西说。
'I want my mommy,' said Bill."
“我想要我的妈妈，”比尔说。
He really likes the owl book, and it makes him feel better that in the owl book, the mommy owl goes away but then she comes back.
他真的很喜欢猫头鹰这本书，这让他感觉好多了，在猫头鹰书中，猫头鹰妈妈走了，但后来她又回来了。
So I think he understands that.
所以我认为他明白这一点。
And lots of mothers go away on trips and go off for work for weeks at a time.
许多母亲会外出旅行，一次出去工作数周。
And I've had to do that.
我不得不这样做。
Now the really bad one is I'm going to have to go away for a month or more.
现在真正糟糕的是我将不得不离开一个月或更长时间。
And he'll hopefully come visit.
他希望能来拜访。
But still, it's going to be a really long time.
但是，这仍然会是一个很长的时间。
I mean, it happens.
我的意思是，它发生了。
And I guess the most important thing is that I get well so that he can have a mother.
我想最重要的是我康复了，这样他就能有一个母亲了。
OK.
好的。
Rebecca Perl Bye bye, Griffy.
丽贝卡·珀尔 再见，格里菲。
We'll see you soon, OK?
我们很快就会见到你，好吗？
Bye bye.
再见。
You stay with Grandpa and Mama, OK?
你和爷爷、妈妈住在一起，好吗？
Say bye bye.
说再见吧。
[SCREAMS] Rebecca Perl OK, OK.
[尖叫]丽贝卡·珀尔 好吧，好吧。
You go to Pop-Pop.
你去流行音乐。
Want to go to Pop-Pop?
想去流行音乐吗？
You're going to go to the park with [?
你要和 [? 一起去公园？
Marta.
玛尔塔。
?]
？]
Look, Griffy.
瞧，格里菲。
Bye-bye, Mommy.
再见，妈妈。
Tom Jennings Bye-bye.
汤姆·詹宁斯再见。
They're coming back.
他们回来了。
They're coming back.
他们回来了。
Don't cry.
别哭。
[CRYING] Dada.
[哭泣] 爸爸。
Rebecca Perl There are at least three reasons why I was supposed to be exempt from getting seriously sick.
丽贝卡·珀尔（Rebecca Perl） 至少有三个原因可以解释为什么我应该免于患重病。
First, Tom, my partner of 10 years and the father of our son, Griffin, had a kidney transplant in 1988, so he's supposed to be the one with the health problems in our family.
首先，汤姆，我 10 年的伴侣，也是我们儿子格里芬的父亲，于 1988 年接受了肾移植手术，所以他应该是我们家有健康问题的人。
If I ever envisioned myself in a hospital, it was standing at his bedside.
如果我想象自己在医院，那是站在他的床边。
Second, about six years ago, my older brother Josh was diagnosed with leukemia.
其次，大约六年前，我的哥哥乔希被诊断出患有白血病。
And I don't think anyone expected two serious cancer patients in our family.
我认为没有人预料到我们家会出现两个严重的癌症患者。
Third, I'm a health reporter, and though my focus has always been on patients and how they're affected by our health care system, I never thought I would end up as one of these people.
第三，我是一名健康记者，虽然我的重点一直是患者以及他们如何受到我们的医疗保健系统的影响，但我从未想过我最终会成为这些人中的一员。
And they're off on a big road trip.
他们开始了一次长途旅行。
You got your warm coat?
你带暖和的外套了吗？
Yeah.
是的。
Rebecca Perl OK, and we got lots of turkey sandwiches.
丽贝卡·珀尔：好的，我们有很多火鸡三明治。
Maybe it was a little crazy to drive all the way to Omaha in the dead of winter, but I hate to fly, and Tom likes road trips.
也许在隆冬时节开车去奥马哈有点疯狂，但我讨厌坐飞机，而汤姆喜欢公路旅行。
I think we were determined to make the trip fun.
我想我们决心让这次旅行变得有趣。
Driving would give us a sense of where we were going.
开车可以让我们知道我们要去哪里。
Plus, we got to stop at The Waffle House.
另外，我们还得在华夫饼屋停下来。
We're in the bathroom of The Waffle House.
我们在华夫饼屋的浴室里。
Did you lock the door?
你锁门了吗？
Yeah.
是的。
Rebecca Perl And I'm going to give myself an injection of Neupogen.
丽贝卡·珀尔：我要给自己注射 Neupogen。
It's just like being a heroine addict.
就像是女主角瘾君子一样。
For me, it was the worst part, having to give myself shots.
对我来说，这是最糟糕的部分，不得不给自己注射。
For one thing, it hurt.
一方面，它很痛。
And it was a symbol of what I was going through.
这是我正在经历的事情的象征。
And then the funnest part is you jab it into your leg like so.
然后最有趣的部分是你像这样将它刺入你的腿。
And then you just push it in.
然后你只需将其推入即可。
And sometimes it hurts, and sometimes it doesn't.
有时会痛，有时则不痛。
It sort of depends on where you get it in the leg.
这在某种程度上取决于你把它放在腿上的哪个位置。
Voila.
瞧。
And that's it.
就是这样。
I used to do it at home when I had to do it for like 10 days.
我过去常常在家做，当时我必须做10天左右。
I'd do it at like 7:25, right before Seinfeld .
我会在 7 点 25 分左右，就在 Seinfeld 之前。
So if it took me more than five minutes to do it, I'd miss Seinfeld .
因此，如果我花了超过五分钟的时间，我就会想念《宋飞正传》。
So I'd hurry myself along.
所以我就快点走吧。
Now I'm doing it right before I get to eat at Waffle House.
现在我就在去华夫饼屋吃饭之前做这件事。
So I give myself a treat afterwards.
所以事后我都会犒劳一下自己。
BLT on wheat.
BLT 小麦。
Rebecca Perl Mmm!
丽贝卡·珀尔 嗯！
Waffle House.
华夫饼屋。
Chicken melt.
鸡肉融化。
Oh, boy.
哦，男孩。
December 1.
12 月 1 日。
After three days on the road, we make it to Omaha.
经过三天的旅途，我们到达了奥马哈。
Have a seat, and we'll be with you in just a minute, OK?
请坐，我们一会儿就来找你，好吗？
I'm feeling pretty rotten from the ill effects of my final round of chemotherapy back in Washington.
在华盛顿接受最后一轮化疗后，我感觉非常糟糕。
They messed up at the hospital.
他们在医院里搞砸了。
The line that was supposed to administer the chemo wasn't in the right place, so the drugs went into my belly instead of my bloodstream.
本来应该进行化疗的管线位置不正确，所以药物进入了我的腹部而不是我的血液。
Because of this, my bladder hurts and I'm tired.
因此，我的膀胱很痛，而且很累。
And I'm about to embark on a nasty, exhausting journey.
我即将踏上一段令人心烦意乱、疲惫不堪的旅程。
I feel as if I need more strength, but here we go.
我觉得我需要更多的力量，但我们开始了。
We're going to do your EKG right in this room.
我们将在这个房间里为您做心电图检查。
OK.
好的。
The first week in Omaha felt like boot camp.
在奥马哈的第一周感觉就像新兵训练营。
I shuffled from one test to another.
我从一项测试拖到另一项测试。
Three more seconds.
再过三秒。
Keep going.
继续前进。
A couple more breaths.
再呼吸几次。
Stop.
停止。
Good.
好的。
Good test.
好的测试。
Endless poking and prodding.
无休止的戳戳和刺激。
Woman 4 OK, Rebecca, you're going to feel a poke and a burn.
女人 4 好吧，丽贝卡，你会感到刺痛和灼烧感。
This is the numbing medication.
这是麻醉药。
There's a tiny little poke.
有一个小戳。
I'm sorry.
对不起。
Your skin's a tiny bit tough.
你的皮肤有点硬。
One more to go after this, honey.
亲爱的，接下来还有一件事。
It's not bothering you, is it?
这并没有打扰你，是吗？
OK.
好的。
I'm just tired of being poked and prodded and pricked and achy and tired.
我只是厌倦了被戳、被戳、被刺、又痛又累。
This is supposed to be the easy time.
这应该是一段轻松的时光。
I can't imagine it being any worse.
我无法想象情况会变得更糟。
Tomorrow-- don't eat or drink after midnight tonight.
明天——今晚午夜之后不要吃喝。
Tomorrow at 8 o'clock, you'll go down to the first floor of the hospital to special x-rays.
明天八点，你要去医院一楼做特殊的X光检查。
Kathy Byar was my nurse coordinator.
凯西·拜尔（Kathy Byar）是我的护士协调员。
She seemed more interested in keeping me on schedule than in what I was going through.
她似乎更感兴趣的是让我按计划行事，而不是我正在经历的事情。
We called her my drill sergeant.
我们称她为我的教官。
You know, I would imagine it does feel like that because you lose that control.
你知道，我想确实会有这种感觉，因为你失去了控制。
All of a sudden, you're coming to a strange institution.
突然间，你来到了一个陌生的机构。
They're telling you when, where, and what to do.
他们告诉你何时、何地以及做什么。
And as a person that's young, independent, used to having her own kind of control, it's very frustrating.
作为一个年轻、独立、习惯于自己控制的人，这是非常令人沮丧的。
I'm a medical reporter, so I was used to asking a lot of questions.
我是一名医学记者，所以我习惯问很多问题。
And maybe they just weren't used to pushy New Yorkers in Omaha.
也许他们只是不习惯奥马哈咄咄逼人的纽约人。
You've got to get me on a later schedule.
你必须让我安排较晚的时间。
I'm too exhausted.
我太累了。
Positive attitude.
积极的态度。
Positive attitude.
积极的态度。
You're not going to feel sick.
你不会感到不舒服。
I just wasn't in the mood, you know?
我只是没心情，你知道吗？
I'd been through a lot already.
我已经经历了很多。
And I was tired.
我很累。
I remember she would say, positive attitude, positive attitude.
我记得她会说，积极的态度，积极的态度。
And I just felt like hell, you know?
我感觉就像地狱一样，你知道吗？
I had a positive attitude the first time around, and it didn't work.
第一次我抱着积极的态度，但没有成功。
I mean, now I was going through something even worse.
我的意思是，现在我正在经历更糟糕的事情。
And it was hard for me to keep positive.
我很难保持积极的态度。
You're not going to feel sick.
你不会感到不舒服。
Not going to get sick.
不会生病。
Not going to get sick.
不会生病。
One coping mechanism I did have was to act like a health reporter.
我确实有一个应对机制，就是表现得像一名健康记者。
I was obsessed with the numbers.
我对数字很着迷。
It was really important for me to know the odds that the transplant would work.
了解移植成功的几率对我来说非常重要。
Those odds were about 50-50.
这些赔率约为 50-50。
So sometimes, sitting in a room with other patients, I couldn't help but think that only about half of us were going to make it.
所以有时，当我和其他病人坐在一个房间里时，我情不自禁地想，我们中只有大约一半人能活下来。
And this made it kind of hard to get close to people.
这使得与人亲近变得有些困难。
But Graham and his family was an exception.
但格雷厄姆和他的家人是个例外。
Hi, ?] I'm Graham [?
嗨，？]我是格雷厄姆[？
Brazier.
火盆。
?] I'm here for a bone marrow transplant because of multiple myeloma, which is a disease that was diagnosed in May of '96.
？] 我来这里接受骨髓移植是因为患有多发性骨髓瘤，这种疾病于 96 年 5 月被诊断出来。
Graham was a young father facing worse odds than me.
格雷厄姆是一位年轻的父亲，面临着比我更糟糕的困境。
The latest statistics are that three years out from transplant, 35% are disease-free, as they call it.
最新统计数据显示，移植后三年内，35% 的患者不再患病。
His wife, Lorraine, was playing the support role and caring for their 9-month-old redheaded son, Thomas.
他的妻子洛林 (Lorraine) 负责照顾他们 9 个月大的红发儿子托马斯 (Thomas)。
Even though I admired Lorraine for being able to be a mom there at the hospital and even though Thomas made me miss Griffin, I was glad Griff wasn't there.
尽管我钦佩洛林能够在医院当妈妈，尽管托马斯让我想念格里芬，但我很高兴格里夫不在场。
He was older than Thomas.
他比托马斯年长。
He was nearly a year and a half.
他已经快一岁半了。
I was afraid that if he were there with me, he would understand too much.
我担心如果他在我身边，他会明白太多。
And I didn't want him to have to understand anything.
我不想让他明白任何事情。
Hi, Griffy!
嗨，格里菲！
Hi, Griffy!
嗨，格里菲！
So I settled for the occasional phone call.
所以我只好偶尔打电话。
Hey, Griffy, want me to sing "Macaroni"?
嘿，格里菲，要我唱《通心粉》吗？
I have a little pony.
我有一匹小马。
His name is Macaroni.
他的名字叫马卡罗尼。
He trots and trots and then he stops.
他小跑啊小跑，然后停了下来。
My funny little pony, Macaroni.
我有趣的小马，通心粉。
Do you like that song, Griffy?
你喜欢这首歌吗，格里菲？
I don't know.
我不知道。
In a lot of ways, I guess I have kind of removed myself from him, because I know I have to go through this and do this.
在很多方面，我想我已经远离了他，因为我知道我必须经历这一切并做到这一点。
And it's sort of the last thing I have to do before I can really be with him for real or have the energy for him for real.
这是我真正能够真正和他在一起或者真正拥有精力给他之前要做的最后一件事。
So a lot of times I don't have the energy for him, and that makes it easier to kind of separate from him.
所以很多时候我没有精力去爱他，这让我更容易与他分离。
Griffy, I miss you.
格里菲，我想你。
I'll see you soon.
我很快就会见到你。
I love you.
我爱你。
I love you, Griffy.
我爱你，格里菲。
Breathe in.
吸气。
Hold your breath.
屏住呼吸。
Rebecca Perl December 10.
丽贝卡·珀尔 12 月 10 日。
We get some bad news.
我们得到一些坏消息。
The CAT scan shows the most recent round of chemotherapy back in Washington hasn't shrunk the tumor nearly at all.
CAT 扫描显示，华盛顿最近一轮化疗几乎没有使肿瘤缩小。
Julie Vose is my doctor in Omaha.
朱莉·沃斯是我在奥马哈的医生。
Rebecca still has a mass found on her CT scan.
丽贝卡的 CT 扫描仍然发现肿块。
So we're going to administer another cycle of salvage chemotherapy that's a slightly different type, to try and reduce that mass further down before she actually undergoes the transplant.
因此，我们将进行另一周期的挽救性化疗，其类型略有不同，以尝试在她实际接受移植之前进一步减少肿块。
And we've found in the past that this is the best way to try and have the best long-term outcome for patients.
我们过去发现，这是为患者尝试并获得最佳长期结果的最佳方法。
The good news is I'm actually feeling much better.
好消息是我实际上感觉好多了。
So that night, we celebrate.
所以那天晚上，我们庆祝了。
We're even out at a restaurant.
我们甚至还在一家餐馆。
Not just any restaurant, but a find of a restaurant, this Catfish Lodge here in Omaha, with the white albino catfish in the tank in the middle.
不仅仅是一家餐厅，而是一家餐厅的发现，这家位于奥马哈的鲶鱼旅馆，中间的水箱里养着白色的白化鲶鱼。
I'm actually feeling good tonight.
其实今晚我感觉很好。
It's like a miracle.
这就像一个奇迹。
I haven't felt like this.
我还没有这样的感觉。
I'm not, like, crying or in pain or something.
我没有，比如，哭泣或痛苦之类的。
Two days later, I begin the Omaha chemo.
两天后，我开始奥马哈化疗。
They give you four drugs, and one of them is blue.
他们给你四种药物，其中一种是蓝色的。
I kind of like the blue one, because it's just so startling.
我有点喜欢蓝色的，因为它太令人吃惊了。
It looks like blue food coloring kind of color or like blueberry frozen popsicle melted.
它看起来像蓝色食用色素的颜色或像融化的蓝莓冷冻冰棒。
And you said that you dressed accordingly today?
你还说你今天穿得很合身？
Yes, I wore my blue pants to go with the blue.
是的，我穿了蓝色裤子来搭配蓝色。
My electric blue pants to go with the electric blue poison.
我的电蓝色裤子是用来搭配电蓝色毒药的。
The American Cancer Society offers classes in how you can look better and feel better.
美国癌症协会提供有关如何让您看起来更好、感觉更好的课程。
And though it sounded hokey at the time, now I understand why they do this.
虽然当时听起来很做作，但现在我明白他们为什么这样做了。
Getting sick really played havoc with my body image.
生病确实严重破坏了我的身体形象。
I felt as if my body had betrayed me like a separate person I couldn't trust.
我觉得我的身体好像背叛了我，就像一个我无法信任的独立的人一样。
My sexual desire went out the window.
我的性欲消失了。
I figured I wouldn't mind losing my hair because at least it wouldn't hurt.
我想我不介意失去头发，因为至少不会受伤。
But looking at myself in the mirror was like looking at a Holocaust victim, all skin and bones.
但看着镜子里的自己就像看着一个大屠杀的受害者，全身皮包骨头。
Actually, I've always been tiny and scrawny, but I never minded before.
其实我一直都很瘦小，但以前从来不介意。
So I avoided mirrors and wore a hat even when the weather got warm.
因此，即使天气变暖，我也会避免照镜子并戴上帽子。
I did break down and let Tom style the little bit of fuzz that was still left on my head.
我确实崩溃了，让汤姆给我头上还剩下的一点绒毛做造型。
This is the weapon.
这就是武器。
It's small but very effective.
它虽小但非常有效。
Let's see.
让我们来看看。
I've got to do a little experimental swatch here.
我必须在这里做一些实验样本。
Don't be doing the top.
不要做顶级。
Tom Jennings I'm not.
汤姆·詹宁斯 我不是。
I'm not.
我不是。
I'm not.
我不是。
I'm not.
我不是。
Trust me.
相信我。
Just trust me.
相信我。
Those are famous last words.
这是著名的遗言。
Computerized Voice Breathe in.
电脑语音吸气。
Hold your breath.
屏住呼吸。
I just had a CT scan.
我刚刚做了 CT 扫描。
They're looking to compare the tumor in the chest to how it was in October, see if it's shrunk.
他们希望将胸部的肿瘤与十月份的情况进行比较，看看它是否缩小了。
Breathe.
呼吸。
Rebecca Perl The blue chemo hasn't shrunk the tumor either.
丽贝卡·珀尔（Rebecca Perl）：蓝色化疗也没有缩小肿瘤。
So finally it's time to get on with the bone marrow transplant.
终于到了进行骨髓移植的时候了。
I mean, it's discouraging that the tumor hasn't shrunk any.
我的意思是，令人沮丧的是肿瘤没有缩小。
I was hoping it would shrink with these last bunch of chemos.
我希望它会随着最后一批化疗而缩小。
I'm just anxious to get done.
我只是急于完成任务。
And I'm hoping it's really going to work.
我希望它真的能发挥作用。
And I'm kind of wondering about what's the chances it's really going to work.
我有点想知道它真正起作用的机会有多大。
They can't be as good as they would be if the tumor had shrunk a lot.
如果肿瘤缩小了很多，它们的效果就不会那么好了。
Is it OK if I go ahead and get your consent form signed today, so we're all ready to go when you're ready to go?
我今天就让您签署同意书，这样当您准备好出发时我们就可以出发了，这样可以吗？
The consent form is a reminder of what I'm in for.
同意书提醒我要做什么。
It lists all sorts of nasty things that could and sometimes do happen when you have a bone marrow transplant-- kidney failure, liver failure, heart failure.
它列出了进行骨髓移植时可能发生的、有时确实发生的各种令人讨厌的事情——肾衰竭、肝衰竭、心力衰竭。
It sounds really scary, and that's because we have to put every little last thing in here that could possibly happen.
这听起来真的很可怕，那是因为我们必须把最后可能发生的每一件小事都放在这里。
That doesn't mean it's going to happen.
这并不意味着它会发生。
But we have to let you know that's a rare possibility.
但我们必须让您知道这种可能性很小。
It didn't help to see the transplant patients who were a week or two ahead of me.
看到比我早一两周的移植患者并没有什么帮助。
They had just been where I was going, and they looked so weak shuffling into the clinic.
他们刚刚到了我要去的地方，拖着脚步走进诊所，看上去很虚弱。
But our friend Graham had his transplant two days ago, and he seems to be doing pretty well.
但我们的朋友格雷厄姆两天前接受了移植手术，他的情况似乎还不错。
Everybody ?] seems to be different.
每个人？]似乎都不同。
And some people, I understand, end up on ventilators.
据我了解，有些人最终需要使用呼吸机。
The worst thing I experienced up there, apart from the nausea, was lockjaw.
我在那里经历的最糟糕的事情，除了恶心之外，就是下巴牙关紧闭。
And that was just a strange sensation, the way your jaw freezes up and your tongue starts sucking down your throat.
那只是一种奇怪的感觉，你的下巴冻结了，你的舌头开始吮吸你的喉咙。
People on the transplant unit seem to fall into two groups.
移植病房里的人似乎分为两类。
There are the ones who get their chemo and get out, and there are the ones who get infections and end up on respirators.
有些人接受化疗后出院，有些人受到感染并最终需要佩戴呼吸器。
This winter, a lot of patients have gotten influenza.
今年冬天，不少患者感染了流感。
They're on respirators, and they're taking a long time to recover.
他们戴着呼吸器，需要很长时间才能康复。
There is a shortage of beds, so I wait, spending most of my time inside the clean, cozy apartment we have rented.
床位不够，所以我等待，大部分时间都呆在我们租的干净、舒适的公寓里。
I sit on the rose-covered couch and watch the sparrows out the window.
我坐在铺满玫瑰花的沙发上，看着窗外的麻雀。
It's very cold.
天气很冷。
WOW FM, Omaha-Council Bluffs.
WOW FM，奥马哈康瑟尔布拉夫斯。
Good morning, I'm Mike Bradley.
早上好，我是迈克·布拉德利。
The Omaha metro area, as well as other areas in east central Nebraska, northern Nebraska, and all of southwest Iowa under a winter storm warning for blowing snow and dangerous wind chills, down to 65 to 70 below zero.
奥马哈都市区以及内布拉斯加州中东部、内布拉斯加州北部和爱荷华州西南部的其他地区收到了冬季风暴警告，预计将有大雪和危险的风寒，气温降至零下 65 至 70 度。
As we wait, I'm thinking about what's going to happen.
当我们等待的时候，我在想将会发生什么。
Even though they call it a bone marrow transplant, which conjures up images of long, dagger-like needles being jabbed into the spine, actually, they collect the bone marrow, or stem cells, from my blood with a contraption much like a dialysis machine.
尽管他们称之为骨髓移植，这让人想起长长的、匕首状的针刺入脊柱的图像，但实际上，他们用一个很像透析机的装置从我的血液中收集骨髓或干细胞。
The machine borrows your blood, culls it for stem cells, and then gives it back.
机器借用你的血液，将其剔除为干细胞，然后将其归还。
It's the stem cells that produce red cells, white cells, and platelets, all of which will be wiped out by the high doses of chemo.
干细胞产生红细胞、白细胞和血小板，所有这些都会被高剂量的化疗消灭。
Dr. Ruth Kessinger pioneered the treatment in Omaha.
露丝·凯辛格 (Ruth Kessinger) 博士在奥马哈开创了这种治疗方法。
The machine empties the cells into a very important, special bag.
机器将细胞清空到一个非常重要的特殊袋子中。
We take the bag of cells to the laboratory.
我们把一袋细胞带到实验室。
And in the laboratory, we freeze them in a liquid nitrogen freezer and save them there.
在实验室中，我们将它们冷冻在液氮冷冻机中并保存在那里。
Then the patient can go get his or her high-dose therapy.
然后患者就可以接受高剂量治疗。
The high-dose therapy, of course, is intended to kill tumor cells.
当然，高剂量治疗的目的是杀死肿瘤细胞。
But the doses are so high that it also hurts the bone marrow.
但剂量太高，也会伤害骨髓。
And that's the reason you need to give the stem cells back to the patient so they can grow a new bone marrow.
这就是为什么您需要将干细胞回输给患者，以便他们能够生长出新的骨髓。
So as soon as the high-dose therapy is finished, and hopefully the cancer is finished too-- it's been killed-- then we get the cells out of the freezer.
因此，一旦高剂量治疗结束，希望癌症也结束了——它已经被杀死了——然后我们就把细胞从冰箱里拿出来。
We thaw them, and we simply inject them back into the bloodstream of the patient.
我们将它们解冻，然后将它们注射回患者的血液中。
And like a miracle, these stem cells know where to go.
就像奇迹一样，这些干细胞知道去哪里。
They home right to the empty bone marrow space and begin to grow.
它们直接回到空的骨髓空间并开始生长。
Hi, can I help you?
你好，我可以帮你吗？
Rebecca Perl Hi, I'm supposed to be admitted.
Rebecca Perl 嗨，我应该被录取了。
Oh, OK.
哦，好吧。
What's the name?
叫什么名字？
Rebecca Perl Rebecca Perl.
丽贝卡·珀尔 丽贝卡·珀尔。
Perl?
珀尔？
Rebecca Perl I think of it kind of like a pregnancy, like having a child, like the birth.
丽贝卡·珀尔（Rebecca Perl） 我认为这有点像怀孕，就像生孩子，就像出生。
I mean, no one can tell you what it's going to be like.
我的意思是，没有人能告诉你它会是什么样子。
You kind of know it's going to be awful, or that's what a lot of people say.
你知道这会很糟糕，或者很多人都是这么说的。
But nobody can really tell you what it's really going to be like, and everyone's experience is really different.
但没有人能真正告诉你它到底会是什么样子，每个人的经历也确实不同。
And it's just sort of like, you don't have a choice.
就好像，你别无选择。
You're just going to do it.
你就去做吧。
It's just going to happen.
它即将发生。
And I just sort of feel like with this it's the same thing.
我只是觉得这件事是一样的。
It's like this momentum, and it's just going to happen, and I'm going to do it.
就像这种势头，它就会发生，我就会去做。
I mean, it's scary, but I'm just going to do it.
我的意思是，这很可怕，但我就是要做。
My room looks like you could wash it down with a hose, like a vet's examining room.
我的房间看起来可以用软管冲洗，就像兽医的检查室一样。
It's an awful mustardy yellow.
这是一种可怕的芥末黄色。
It overlooks a graveyard.
它俯瞰着墓地。
I'm here for five days while they pour deadly medicines into my veins.
我在这里呆了五天，他们把致命的药物注入我的血管。
I would say in the next four days or so, about three to four days from now, she's going to feel pretty sick to her stomach and maybe have some lose stools and some mouth sores developing once all this chemo builds up in her system.
我想说，在接下来的四天左右，大约三到四天后，她会感到胃部非常不适，一旦所有这些化疗在她的系统中积累起来，可能会出现一些排便和口腔溃疡。
--Wang Chung tonight.
——今晚王中。
Rebecca Perl Everybody have fun tonight.
丽贝卡·珀尔 今晚大家玩得很开心。
In the hospital, there's the official information that the staff doles out, and there's the unofficial grapevine, tips and advice that patients share with each other.
在医院里，有工作人员分发的官方信息，也有患者相互分享的非官方小道消息、提示和建议。
From the veteran patients, I hear that the University of Nebraska Medical Center doesn't like to give out Zofran, an anti-nausea drug that's very expensive but works like a charm when you're getting chemotherapy.
我从老病人那里听说，内布拉斯加大学医学中心不喜欢发放Zofran，这种抗恶心药非常昂贵，但在化疗时却有神奇的效果。
So I start to insist on it to everyone I see.
所以我开始向我见到的每个人坚持这一点。
I tell the nurses--
我告诉护士们——
I'd like to have Zofran because that's worked for me in the past.
我想要 Zofran，因为它过去对我有用。
--the resident-- Rebecca Perl But I really do want Zofran, because I know that works for me.
——居民——Rebecca Perl 但我真的想要 Zofran，因为我知道这对我有用。
--and the head doctor.
——还有主治医生。
Rebecca Perl I just feel like I've said this to so many people so many times.
丽贝卡·珀尔（Rebecca Perl） 我只是觉得我已经对很多人说过很多次了。
I want to get Zofran every day.
我想每天服用 Zofran。
Despite my requests, my demands, my begging, the first night, they fail to give me Zofran, and like Graham, my jaw stiffens up, a side effect of a cheaper, less effective anti-nausea drug.
尽管我提出了要求，我要求，我恳求，第一天晚上，他们还是没有给我服用佐夫兰，而且像格雷厄姆一样，我的下巴僵硬了，这是一种更便宜、效果较差的抗恶心药物的副作用。
It's a reminder of what it means to be a patient.
它提醒我们成为病人意味着什么。
You can ask, but sometimes you have very little power.
你可以要求，但有时你的权力很小。
During my high dose chemo, I find out that Graham is back in the hospital on a ventilator.
在我接受高剂量化疗期间，我发现格雷厄姆又回到了医院，靠着呼吸机。
They think he has pneumonia and sepsis, an infection of the blood that is common in hospitals and quite serious for transplant patients.
他们认为他患有肺炎和败血症，这是医院中常见的血液感染，对于移植患者来说相当严重。
Tom and Dan keep giving me updates about Graham's condition, but I don't really want to know.
汤姆和丹不断向我提供有关格雷厄姆病情的最新情况，但我真的不想知道。
I kind of like to be a little bit removed from how everybody else is doing.
我有点喜欢远离其他人的做法。
Why?
为什么？
Rebecca Perl Because it's scary.
丽贝卡·珀尔 因为这很可怕。
It's hard for me to hear every detail of how everyone else is doing because all that could be happening to me.
我很难听到其他人的每一个细节，因为所有这些都可能发生在我身上。
The staff really did try to help me cope, and I did appreciate how genuinely nice Midwesterners are.
工作人员确实尽力帮助我应对，我也很欣赏中西部人的真诚友善。
But sometimes I just couldn't get with the program.
但有时我就是无法理解这个程序。
Twice, rabbis came into my room and left their business card, and told me if I ever wanted to talk.
有两次，拉比走进我的房间，留下了他们的名片，并告诉我是否想说话。
And it was very awkward because they were there to sort of try to, solicit important things out of me about how I was feeling.
这很尴尬，因为他们试图向我询问有关我感受的重要信息。
And I just didn't want to have any part of it.
我只是不想参与其中。
They kept asking me-- the social worker, when I first went into the hospital, she would say, well, are you involved in any religion?
他们一直问我——社会工作者，当我第一次进医院时，她会说，好吧，你有什么宗教信仰吗？
And I'd say, no. And then she would say, well, I don't mean organized religion but just your own spirituality.
我想说，不。然后她会说，好吧，我指的不是有组织的宗教，而是你自己的灵性。
And I'd say, no. And she'd say, well, what about some sort of mystical or some other culture?
我想说，不。她会说，好吧，某种神秘或其他文化怎么样？
Are you involved in-- No. I was just sort of no, no, no to all her questions.
你参与了吗——不。我对她所有的问题都说不，不，不。
And I think she didn't know exactly what to make of that because I don't think almost anybody had ever said, no, no, no to all her questions.
我认为她不知道该怎么解释，因为我认为几乎没有人对她所有的问题说过“不，不，不”。
What worked for me was to work.
对我有用的就是工作。
One of the reasons I wanted to do this documentary was to have a distraction.
我想做这部纪录片的原因之一是为了分散注意力。
It was a way to think of myself as a journalist, a working person, as opposed to somebody who was going through a really terrible, grueling medical ordeal.
这是一种将自己视为一名记者、一名工人的方式，而不是一个正在经历非常可怕、艰苦的医疗考验的人。
As a reporter, I had learned to be skeptical about medical breakthroughs and miracles, but as a patient, I had to be a believer.
作为一名记者，我学会了对医学突破和奇迹持怀疑态度，但作为一名患者，我必须成为一名信徒。
So I put my faith in the science, the numbers, the statistics.
所以我相信科学、数字和统计数据。
And for support, I had Tom, who I call [?
为了支持我，我有汤姆，我称之为[？
Zuli, ?] and he was a huge comfort to me.
Zuli，？]他对我来说是一个巨大的安慰。
Somewhere along the line without saying anything, I think we sort of decided when I got sick or something, we just sort of called a truce or something, each of us did.
在没有说什么的情况下，我想当我生病或者发生什么事情的时候，我们就决定了，我们只是叫了休战之类的，我们每个人都这么做了。
We almost never fight now.
我们现在几乎不吵架了。
Both of us pretty much kind of let things just slide.
我们俩都喜欢让事情顺其自然。
If I'm pissed off about something, I just sort of say, oh well.
如果我对某事感到生气，我只是说，哦，好吧。
He does the same, I think.
我想他也是这么做的。
If you get upset at me and want me to leave, just tell me to leave.
如果你对我感到不高兴并希望我离开，就告诉我离开吧。
I don't want you to leave, [?
我不想让你离开，[?
Zuli.
祖力。
?] But this is not about you, so just keep your ego in check.
？] 但这与你无关，所以请控制住你的自我。
I'm not talking about my ego.
我不是在谈论我的自我。
Don't sit there and just sulk and glare at me.
别坐在那里生闷气，瞪着我。
Just tell me to leave.
只是告诉我离开。
All right, I will.
好吧，我会的。
I just kind of want him to take care of me.
我只是想让他照顾我。
And I think he really has sort of, in a lot of ways, or he is learning to kind of just put his ego aside and do it, just kind of take care of me.
我认为他确实有某种程度，在很多方面，或者他正在学习将他的自我放在一边并做到这一点，只是照顾我。
I think it's really hard for him.
我觉得这对他来说真的很难。
She actually said something at that point that was kind of enlightening to me.
那时她实际上说了一些对我有启发的事情。
And that was that maybe she needs somebody to get mad at, to focus her negative or her hostility or her anger about what's happening to her.
那就是，也许她需要有人来发怒，集中她的消极、敌意或愤怒来关注她身上发生的事情。
So that was actually an illuminating moment for me because I can understand that.
所以这对我来说实际上是一个启发性的时刻，因为我能理解这一点。
January 16.
1 月 16 日。
My five days of chemo are over.
我五天的化疗结束了。
You hear that beep?
你听到嘟嘟声了吗？
Tee.
球座。
Tee, tee.
球座，球座。
Tee, tee.
球座，球座。
Well, anyway, that--
好吧，无论如何，那个——
May I help you?
我可以帮你吗？
Rebecca Perl Can I have my nurse, please?
丽贝卡·珀尔 我可以请我的护士吗？
I'll send her in, OK?
我送她进来，好吗？
Rebecca Perl That is the last bag of my last day of the last chemo in this hospital and hopefully ever.
丽贝卡·珀尔：这是我在这家医院最后一次化疗的最后一天的最后一袋，希望永远如此。
[HUMMING] January 20.
[哼哼] 1 月 20 日。
It's a big day for Bill Clinton and for me too.
这对比尔·克林顿和我来说都是重要的一天。
He's being sworn in for his second term.
他即将宣誓就职，开始第二个任期。
I'm getting my stem cells back.
我正在恢复我的干细胞。
They call it day zero because the recovery starts here.
他们称其为“零日”，因为复苏从这里开始。
Tom and Dan keep trying to get me to say something profound like, getting my stem cells back is like getting my life back.
汤姆和丹一直试图让我说出一些深刻的话，比如，让我的干细胞恢复就像让我的生命恢复一样。
It's true without these stem cells I would die.
确实，没有这些干细胞我就会死。
The chemo wiped out my body's ability to make blood cells.
化疗消除了我身体制造血细胞的能力。
But I'm feeling too lousy to wax poetic.
但我感觉太糟糕了，无法诗意。
I feel nauseous.
我感觉恶心。
My stomach hurts.
我的胃疼。
I don't feel like I want to do this.
我不觉得我想做这个。
I feel too rotten.
我感觉太烂了。
This is just dry ice.
这只是干冰。
Rebecca Perl It's all very anticlimactic.
丽贝卡·珀尔：这一切都非常虎头蛇尾。
Kathy brings my stem cells up from the deep freeze in a Playmate cooler like she's ready for a beer at the beach.
凯西把我的干细胞从玩伴冷藏箱中的深度冷冻中取出来，就像她准备好在海滩喝啤酒一样。
OK, we've got Rebecca B.
好的，我们有丽贝卡 B.
Perl, 712792.
珀尔，712792。
I'll take 75 for the first hour.
第一个小时我要75。
She thaws out the bags of stem cells like you would a frozen chicken breast and infuses them back into my body through the catheter.
她像解冻冷冻鸡胸肉一样解冻干细胞袋，然后通过导管将它们输回我的体内。
There they go.
他们就在那里。
Rebecca Perl I'm groggy and half asleep for most of it.
丽贝卡·珀尔 (Rebecca Perl) 大部分时间我都处于昏昏沉沉、半睡半醒的状态。
When I come to, I hear Clinton.
当我醒来时，我听到克林顿的声音。
Fellow citizens, we must not waste the precious gift of this time.
同胞们，我们不能浪费这个时代的宝贵礼物。
For all of us are on that same journey of our lives.
因为我们所有人都走在人生的同一个旅程上。
I'm feeling well enough to try some Sugar Smacks.
我感觉很好，可以尝试一些糖味。
All right.
好的。
Rebecca Perl [SINGING] Can't get enough of those Sugar Smacks, Sugar Smacks, Sugar Smacks.
丽贝卡·珀尔（Rebecca Perl）[唱歌] 吃不够那些糖味，糖味，糖味。
Can't get enough of those Sugar Smacks.
无法获得足够的糖味。
I could take them home for tea.
我可以带他们回家喝茶。
So remember, all you cancer patients, when you're feeling awful, try Sugar Smacks.
所以请记住，所有癌症患者，当您感觉糟糕时，请尝试糖味。
Mmm.
嗯。
It's my food of choice.
这是我的首选食物。
But over the next few days, as the chemo destroys my immune system, I feel as rotten as I've ever felt.
但在接下来的几天里，随着化疗破坏了我的免疫系统，我感到前所未有的腐烂。
This is rock bottom.
这是最低点。
And without the energy that comes from blood cells, I feel fragile, anxious, and empty.
如果没有来自血细胞的能量，我会感到脆弱、焦虑和空虚。
Well, it's January 21.
嗯，现在是 1 月 21 日。
It's day one, ie I had my transplant yesterday.
这是第一天，即我昨天进行了移植手术。
Is that right?
是这样吗？
Isn't it day two by now?
现在不是第二天了吗？
Gosh, they're going slow.
天哪，他们进展缓慢。
But I feel pretty crappy.
但我感觉自己很蹩脚。
I feel very nauseous.
我感觉很恶心。
And my stomach is just very churny.
我的胃实在是太翻腾了。
Today I ate what I was sure I could stomach, a piece of rye bread and some ginger ale, and I even threw that up.
今天我吃了我确定能吃的东西，一块黑麦面包和一些姜汁汽水，我什至把它吐了。
But I would like to say it was almost pleasant throwing up ginger ale.
但我想说吐姜汁汽水几乎是一件令人愉快的事。
It's a lot better than throwing up some other things I could name, like orange juice.
这比吐出其他我能说出名字的东西（比如橙汁）要好得多。
Blech.
布莱赫。
There's some comfort in knowing that I'm supposed to feel this way.
知道我应该有这种感觉，这让我感到有些安慰。
The chemo can't distinguish between healthy cells and the cancer, so it wipes out everything that grows fast-- the lining of the digestive tract, the blood cells, hair follicles.
化疗无法区分健康细胞和癌症细胞，因此它会消灭所有快速生长的细胞——消化道内壁、血细胞、毛囊。
One patient who has just been through it assures me it will pass.
一位刚刚经历过这种情况的患者向我保证一切都会过去。
I thought I was going to die two days ago, and now I feel like-- like I said, as soon as you think it's never going to end, it does get better.
两天前我以为我就要死了，现在我感觉——就像我说的，一旦你认为它永远不会结束，它就会变得更好。
I know how you feel right now.
我知道你现在的感受。
Dawn is a couple years older than me and has a 10-year-old.
Dawn 比我大几岁，有一个 10 岁的孩子。
Looking at her is like looking in a mirror.
看着她就像照镜子一样。
Well, and don't you find too that every time you see pictures of your son or whatever, doesn't that make you just even more determined to get better?
好吧，你是否也发现，每次你看到儿子的照片或其他什么东西，这难道不会让你更加坚定地变得更好吗？
See, it does me too.
看吧，我也这样。
Or if I see my daughter, it just makes me more determined.
或者如果我看到我的女儿，只会让我更加坚定。
Right, right.
对，对。
Yeah.
是的。
Dawn It just makes me more determined.
黎明它只会让我更加坚定。
Every time I think, oh, God, I feel so bad.
每当我想到，天哪，我就感觉很糟糕。
I just don't want to go on.
我只是不想再继续下去了。
Then I just think, oh, what's Jessica going to do without me?
然后我就想，哦，如果没有我，杰西卡该怎么办？
Then it's like, oh, I've got to kick myself in the seat and get with it.
然后就好像，哦，我必须在座位上踢自己一脚并接受它。
I feel that way about the whole fight, that I probably wouldn't fight half as hard except for Griffin.
我对整场比赛都有这样的感觉，除了格里芬，我可能不会那么努力地战斗。
Well, what choice do you have, really?
好吧，你真的有什么选择吗？
You don't.
你不知道。
Rebecca Perl I think if my life maybe was different, maybe if there wasn't Tom and Griffin, maybe I would say, I've lived and I've done things, and I just don't want to fight this anymore.
丽贝卡·珀尔：我想如果我的生活可能有所不同，也许如果没有汤姆和格里芬，也许我会说，我已经活过，我已经做了一些事情，我只是不想再与之抗争了。
I'm tired of it.
我厌倦了。
You know, if you have to keep going through it and going through it.
你知道，如果你必须继续经历它并经历它。
But you can't do that when you have a kid.
但当你有孩子的时候你就不能这样做了。
Or I don't feel like I can do that with a kid.
或者我觉得我不能对一个孩子这样做。
I feel like I have to keep fighting, even though it's a pain in the butt.
我觉得我必须继续战斗，尽管这很痛苦。
More of Rebecca Perl's story in a minute, from Public Radio International, when our program continues.
当我们的节目继续时，国际公共广播电台将详细介绍丽贝卡·珀尔的故事。
It's This American Life.
这就是美国生活。
I'm Ira Glass.
我是艾拉·格拉斯。
Most weeks on our program, we bring you a variety of different kinds of stories.
在我们节目的大多数星期里，我们都会为您带来各种不同类型的故事。
Today, we're dedicating our entire program to just one about what it's like to be treated for a life-threatening illness.
今天，我们的整个节目致力于讲述危及生命的疾病接受治疗的感受。
NPR health sciences reporter Rebecca Perl moved to Omaha for extra intensive chemotherapy and a bone marrow transplant.
NPR 健康科学记者丽贝卡·珀尔 (Rebecca Perl) 搬到奥马哈接受额外强化化疗和骨髓移植。
Do you have any discomfort when you sit forward?
前倾坐的时候有什么不舒服的感觉吗？
No, I just feel a little shaky.
不，我只是觉得有点摇摇欲坠。
I'm not sure if it's real or just fear.
我不确定这是真实的还是只是恐惧。
Though my recovery was supposed to be outpatient, two days after the transplant, I'm back in the hospital.
虽然我的康复本应在门诊进行，但移植后两天，我又回到了医院。
Well, it's day three.
嗯，已经是第三天了。
And I'm here because last night at about 11 o'clock, I noticed that my heart was beating so fast that when I was laying on the bed, I'd just feel it going thump-thump, thump-thump, thump-thump, thump-thump, thump-thump, thump-thump thump-thump.
我来这里是因为昨晚11点左右，我注意到我的心跳得很快，当我躺在床上时，我只能感觉到它在扑通扑通，扑通扑通，扑通扑通，扑通扑通，扑通扑通。
It was beating really fast.
它跳得非常快。
Dun-dun, dun-dun, dun-dun.
顿顿，顿顿，顿顿。
And I counted like 150 or 160.
我数了一下大概有150或160。
Her normal is eighty.
她的正常值是八十。
I said, OK, get dressed.
我说，好吧，穿好衣服吧。
Let's go.
我们走吧。
So I just kind of got out of bed and started to come in.
所以我就起床并开始进来。
And I sat down on a chair in the living room for a minute, but I must have fallen over because the next thing I knew I was on the floor.
我在客厅的椅子上坐了一会儿，但我一定是摔倒了，因为接下来我就知道自己已经倒在了地板上。
And then I heard a thud.
然后我听到砰的一声。
And I came running out.
我跑了出来。
And Bec was spread eagle on her back, just flat on her back, staring up.
贝克则摊开在背上，平躺着，眼睛向上看。
And I went and looked in her face, looked in her eyes.
我走过去看着她的脸，看着她的眼睛。
And she wasn't registering.
而且她没有登记。
And I said, Bec, Bec, can you hear me?
我说，Bec，Bec，你能听到我说话吗？
Bec.
贝克。
And she just didn't register me.
她只是没有给我登记。
Her eyes were blank.
她的眼睛一片空白。
And I was just scared [BLEEP] that something had really happened, like she had had a heart attack or a stroke or something.
我只是害怕 [哔] 真的发生了什么事，比如她心脏病发作或中风或其他什么。
And then within a couple seconds, she came back.
然后几秒钟之内，她就回来了。
And she registered me.
她给我登记了。
And then we walked out to the car.
然后我们走到车旁。
And then we drove pretty quickly to the hospital.
然后我们很快就开车去了医院。
And suddenly there were like a million nurses and PAs and internal medicine guys all in here hooking me up to these monitors and seeing what was going on with my heart.
突然间，大约有一百万名护士、私人助理和内科医生都在这里，将我连接到这些监视器上，看看我的心脏发生了什么。
And it was beating at like 190.
它的跳动频率约为190。
But the thing that stopped it was they gave me this weird drug which they just put into your catheter, and it makes your heart stop for like three seconds.
但阻止它的是他们给了我一种奇怪的药物，他们刚刚将其放入你的导管中，它使你的心脏停止了大约三秒钟。
And it was a weird, unpleasant feeling, kind of like an electrical feeling right after it, just like electricity going through your body or something.
那是一种奇怪的、不愉快的感觉，有点像紧随其后的电流感，就像电流穿过你的身体或其他什么东西。
And I felt really weird.
我感觉很奇怪。
And I still think I feel a little weird from that.
我仍然觉得我对此感到有点奇怪。
But that got my heart rate down to like normal, to like 120.
但这让我的心率降到了正常水平，大约 120。
Hi, I just stopped by to tell you the results of the ECHO.
你好，我只是过来告诉你 ECHO 的结果。
And I think you already know.
我想你已经知道了。
There was no fluid around the heart.
心脏周围没有液体。
The valves are normal.
阀门正常。
The heart function normal.
心脏功能正常。
And then by the end of the day, Dr. [?
然后到了一天结束时，博士[？
Taryntula ?] comes in, who's a great guy, a sweet guy.
Taryntula？]进来了，他是一个很棒的人，一个可爱的人。
And he says, I don't know what problem is.
他说，我不知道问题是什么。
We may never know.
我们可能永远不会知道。
Let's just hope it doesn't happen again.
我们只希望这种事不再发生。
And that's where we have left it.
这就是我们离开的地方。
And that's completely unsatisfying, you know?
这完全令人不满意，你知道吗？
So they don't know.
所以他们不知道。
We don't know.
我们不知道。
They're not even going to treat it, really.
他们甚至不会治疗它，真的。
I think I'd feel better if they sort of thought it was something and could treat it.
我想如果他们认为这是某种东西并且可以治疗它，我会感觉更好。
You always think medicine is going to be like that, like you'll find the answer and that will be that.
你总是认为医学会是这样，就像你会找到答案一样，就是这样。
But a lot of times you just don't.
但很多时候你就是不这样做。
We're no closer to knowing what the problem is than when we started out, really, except that they think everything's OK.
事实上，我们并没有比刚开始时更了解问题所在，只是他们认为一切都好。
They think it's behind us, and we're not really going to treat it.
他们认为它已经过去了，我们不会真正去对待它。
But I don't know why my heart was racing like that.
但我不知道为什么我的心会这样狂跳。
It was scary.
太可怕了。
That has stayed with me in a way that nothing else has because it's like losing your innocence or something.
这种感觉以一种其他任何方式都无法比拟的方式一直伴随着我，因为这就像失去了你的纯真之类的。
I mean, it just seems like this weird thing.
我的意思是，这看起来很奇怪。
My heart isn't supposed to ever stop, and my heart has been stopped.
我的心不应该停止，而我的心已经停止了。
And to me, that represents some sort of loss of innocence, something that just should have never happened.
对我来说，这代表着某种纯真的丧失，一些本不应该发生的事情。
And it sits badly with me.
这对我来说很不舒服。
It's almost like everything else is OK, but that really gets me somehow.
似乎其他一切都很好，但这确实让我不知何故。
I wish that hadn't happened.
我希望那件事没有发生。
So if we can treat this and get it under control, get the virus gone before your white cells return, then that's the best way to do it.
因此，如果我们能够治疗并控制它，在白细胞恢复之前让病毒消失，那么这就是最好的方法。
Four days after the transplant, and I'm about to go home to our apartment.
移植后四天，我即将回到我们的公寓。
I'm busy worrying about Tom having to give me antibiotic injections at home, except I don't have to worry about that because they tell me I have something called RSV.
我正忙着担心汤姆必须在家给我注射抗生素，但我不必担心这一点，因为他们告诉我我感染了一种叫做 RSV 的东西。
So you won't be getting out of here today, unfortunately.
所以不幸的是你今天无法离开这里。
We really need to treat this.
我们确实需要治疗这个问题。
For like a week?
大约一个星期？
Kathy Byar For a week.
凯西·拜尔 一周。
OK?
好的？
The treatment requires I stay in the hospital isolation room for a week.
治疗需要我在医院隔离室呆一周。
And for 18 hours a day, I have to wear this ridiculous-looking and very uncomfortable mask strapped to my face so I can breathe in an aerosol medicine.
每天 18 个小时，我必须戴着这个看起来可笑且非常不舒服的面罩，绑在脸上，这样我才能吸入气雾剂药物。
Here's something that people forget.
这是人们忘记的事情。
It's not just physically grueling being sick.
生病不仅仅是身体上的折磨。
It's boring.
很无聊。
It feels tight around my nose.
我感觉鼻子周围很紧。
And it feels sort of stuffy.
而且感觉有点闷。
And it just feels like it's hard to sleep in because it's big, and I feel kind of like an elephant or something with this big nose.
感觉很难入睡，因为它太大了，我感觉有点像大象或长着大鼻子的东西。
I can't eat with it on or do anything.
戴着它我不能吃饭或做任何事情。
I just feel like I have to stay very still.
我只是觉得我必须保持静止。
Watching TV is good.
看电视很好。
What time is it?
现在是几奌？
Joe Bradley About 1:30.
乔·布拉德利 大约 1 点 30 分。
Why?
为什么？
What's your hurry?
你急什么？
There's lots of time.
还有很多时间。
Oh, no, there isn't.
哦，不，没有。
And I've been quite enough trouble to you as it is.
我已经给你带来了足够的麻烦了。
Trouble?
麻烦？
You're not what I'd call trouble.
你不是我所说的麻烦。
That was just miserable because I had to be on this machine for 18 hours for seven days.
这真是太痛苦了，因为我必须在这台机器上呆 7 天 18 个小时。
And I think my overall feeling about that was I was just embarrassed to be stuck with that thing on my face.
我想我对此的总体感觉是我只是因为脸上粘着那个东西而感到尴尬。
I couldn't even believe it was happening to me.
我什至不敢相信这发生在我身上。
And also, I was mad.
而且，我很生气。
I was mad that they were doing this to me.
我很生气他们这样对我。
At one point, the doctor said to me, hey, we're not doing this to you to be mean.
有一次，医生对我说，嘿，我们这样做不是为了刻薄。
He had to kind of remind me.
他必须提醒我。
And I mean, I knew that, but I was pissed that they were doing this to me.
我的意思是，我知道这一点，但我很生气他们对我这样做。
But that anger kept me from being worried or scared, because their fear was that my lungs were going to clog up with this RSV virus and I would get something similar to pneumonia or I wouldn't be able to breathe.
但这种愤怒让我不再担心或害怕，因为他们担心我的肺部会被 RSV 病毒堵塞，我会患上类似肺炎的疾病，或者我将无法呼吸。
[FLUTE MUSIC PLAYING] Just down the hall, Graham has been on a respirator for more than a week.
[长笛音乐演奏] 就在大厅那头，格雷厄姆已经戴上呼吸器一个多星期了。
After Graham's 8-year-old old daughter, Kelli, plays her flute for him, he seems to show some slight improvement, but the doctors say he's still in critical condition.
在格雷厄姆 8 岁的女儿凯莉为他吹奏长笛后，他的情况似乎略有好转，但医生表示他的情况仍然危急。
It was a disconnect for me.
这对我来说是一种脱节。
I just didn't make the connection that there were all these other people on respirators, and I could easily be one of them in a matter of days.
我只是没有意识到还有其他所有戴着呼吸器的人，而我很容易在几天内成为他们中的一员。
I didn't think it was going to happen.
我没想到这会发生。
The big question that we're completely avoiding-- and, in fact, I haven't even thought about it until this point, really-- is the cancer itself.
我们完全回避的一个大问题——事实上，直到此时我才真正思考过——是癌症本身。
We're in the midst of this whole process right now.
我们现在正处于整个过程之中。
And you're so encumbered with the daily routine and sucking aerosol and getting your counts done.
而你的日常生活、吸气雾剂和完成计数都让你感到困扰。
And so you're totally drawn into the process, and you're not really thinking about the final goal at all.
所以你完全被这个过程所吸引，而你根本没有真正考虑最终目标。
The cancer, we know that it's there.
癌症，我们知道它就在那里。
We're here for that.
我们就是为此而来。
But we're not thinking about that at all.
但我们根本没有考虑这个。
I'm not, anyhow.
无论如何，我不是。
You did it.
你做到了。
Yeah.
是的。
Now it's just tidying things up.
现在只是在收拾东西。
That's really a huge thing, really big.
这确实是一件大事，非常大。
Finally a piece of good news.
终于有一个好消息了。
Dr. Armitage, the head of the Omaha transplant program, drops by my room to tell me that the stem cells they transplanted into me are growing new cells.
奥马哈移植项目的负责人阿米蒂奇博士来到我的房间告诉我，他们移植到我体内的干细胞正在生长新细胞。
Knowing that you have an adequate granulocyte count that you made yourself means you've engrafted.
知道自己有足够的粒细胞计数就意味着您已经植入了。
The marrow took.
骨髓夺走了。
You're no longer at risk of sudden lethal infections.
您不再面临突然致命感染的风险。
That means you've leaped over one other big barrier.
这意味着你已经跨越了另一大障碍。
And in fact, the truth is, usually, from now on, things are downhill.
事实上，事实是，通常从现在开始，事情就会走下坡路。
It was really nice and reassuring to have him say that because we had had a sort of a small setback, where I had had more chemo, and when we looked at the tests, that chemo hadn't done anything to shrink the tumor.
让他这么说真是太好了，也让人放心，因为我们遇到了一些小挫折，我接受了更多的化疗，当我们查看测试结果时，化疗并没有起到任何缩小肿瘤的作用。
And so you worry that the bone marrow transplant isn't even going to work.
所以你担心骨髓移植根本不起作用。
And he said, really without any information, I'm very pleased with how everything went, with this undertone of, you've probably made it.
他说，真的没有任何信息，我对一切的进展感到非常满意，带着这样的语气，你可能已经成功了。
It's probably worked.
可能已经成功了。
You're probably OK.
你可能没问题。
I don't know how he would have known that, or maybe he was bluffing.
我不知道他怎么会知道这一点，或者也许他是在虚张声势。
But it was real reassuring to have him come and say those things.
但他能过来说出这些话确实让人放心。
And your blood counts are looking great.
您的血细胞计数看起来很好。
Wonderful platelets.
奇妙的血小板。
I don't know if you saw them today.
不知道你今天有没有看到他们。
Day 11.
第 11 天。
They've just let me out of the hospital, and all of a sudden, it's over.
他们刚刚让我出院，突然之间，一切都结束了。
Just as sure as I was locked away, they're going to let me go.
就像我被锁起来一样，他们肯定会放我走的。
What do you say about getting your catheter out and getting home?
您对拔出导管并回家有何看法？
How's that sound?
听起来怎么样？
Yeah.
是的。
Kathy Byar Up for that?
凯西·拜尔（Kathy Byar）愿意吗？
Congratulations.
恭喜。
Thank you.
谢谢。
Kathy Byar We just need to give you a nice little certificate saying you're out of here.
凯西·拜尔：我们只需要给你一张漂亮的小证书，证明你已经离开这里了。
No. You did a great job.
不，你做得很好。
It was weird to me when they said, OK, you can go home.
当他们说“好吧，你可以回家了”时，我感到很奇怪。
And congratulations.
恭喜你。
Yay!
耶！
And everybody clapped and kissed and hugged.
每个人都鼓掌、亲吻和拥抱。
I'm so thrilled for you.
我为你感到非常兴奋。
Rebecca Perl Yeah.
丽贝卡·珀尔 是的。
Thanks for helping.
谢谢你的帮助。
Oh, hey.
哦，嘿。
Rebecca Perl I was like, wait a second.
丽贝卡·珀尔 我当时想，等一下。
I haven't won anything here.
我在这里没有赢得任何东西。
We don't know whether this worked.
我们不知道这是否有效。
We know I got through this, but that's little consolation.
我们知道我已经度过了难关，但这并不算什么安慰。
The really big prize here, the car, the trip to Hawaii, is did the cancer go away?
这里真正的大奖，汽车，夏威夷之旅，是癌症消失了吗？
And we didn't know, and we weren't going to know for months.
我们不知道，而且几个月后我们都不会知道。
And so it was all very weird, everybody congratulating you and patting you on the back and saying good for you and hey, it's all over now.
所以这一切都很奇怪，每个人都祝贺你，拍拍你的背，对你说好话，嘿，现在一切都结束了。
It seemed very strange to me.
我觉得很奇怪。
You're a doll.
你是一个洋娃娃。
You take it easy.
你放轻松。
We'll see you when you come back in 100 days.
100 天后你回来时我们会见到你。
Bye.
再见。
For the first couple weeks I was in Omaha, I felt like I was on an assembly line.
在我来到奥马哈的最初几周，我感觉自己就像在装配线上。
You come in through a revolving door.
你通过旋转门进来。
You get on the line.
你就上线吧。
You get your catheter.
你得到你的导管。
You get your stem cells removed.
你的干细胞被移除了。
You get your high dose chemo.
您接受高剂量化疗。
You get your stem cells back.
您可以恢复干细胞。
So now I was leaving, walking fast, head up.
所以现在我要离开了，快步走着，抬起头。
Suddenly I was the veteran, the old pro.
突然间我就成了老手了，老职业了。
And there was a scared old man with his family who had just arrived for his transplant, looking shaky and small as he sat huddled by the door.
还有一位害怕的老人和他的家人刚来接受移植手术，他蜷缩在门边，看起来摇摇欲坠，身材瘦小。
You don't feel too good, but, you know, at least it goes by pretty-- what's good is the white cells come back pretty fast, so just a matter of about 10 days there where you're really vulnerable.
你感觉不太好，但是，你知道，至少一切都过得很好——好处是白细胞恢复得很快，所以只要大约 10 天，你就真的很脆弱了。
How's Graham doing?
格雷厄姆怎么样？
Her husband, Graham, is still on a respirator.
她的丈夫格雷厄姆仍然戴着呼吸器。
She tells us that she's losing hope.
她告诉我们她正在失去希望。
It's starting to feel like it's not going to work.
开始感觉行不通了。
Sorry.
对不起。
I tell her to be optimistic, but I don't know why I'm saying this.
我告诉她要乐观，但我不知道我为什么这么说。
In my heart, I know she's right to prepare herself for Graham's death.
在我心里，我知道她为格雷厄姆的死做好准备是正确的。
It's not a good scene.
这可不是什么好场景。
Here I am leaving, getting out of town alive, and Lorraine's world is falling apart.
我要离开这里，活着离开小镇，而洛林的世界正在分崩离析。
I feel terrible for her, but mostly I want to get the hell out of here.
我为她感到难过，但最重要的是我想离开这里。
I want to run.
我想跑。
Still I hug her, and I tell her not to lose hope.
我仍然拥抱她，告诉她不要失去希望。
That's pretty scary.
这真是太可怕了。
That's pretty scary.
这真是太可怕了。
It's early for that still.
现在还为时过早。
It's early, though, for that.
不过，现在还为时过早。
I have a weird sense of this whole thing with Graham because, I mean, well, now it looks bad for Graham.
我对格雷厄姆的整件事有一种奇怪的感觉，因为，我的意思是，现在这对格雷厄姆来说看起来很糟糕。
But for a while there I was thinking he could pull through and make it and the bone marrow transplant wouldn't really work for me.
但有一段时间我认为他可以渡过难关并成功，而骨髓移植对我来说并不真正有效。
And I could be down, and he could be up.
我可能会沮丧，而他可能会上升。
And I mean, nothing's guaranteed here at all.
我的意思是，这里根本没有任何保证。
Bye, Lorraine.
再见，洛林。
We'll call you.
我们会给你打电话。
Yeah.
是的。
We'll call you.
我们会给你打电话。
OK.
好的。
Rebecca Perl Take care.
丽贝卡·珀尔 保重。
Give Graham a kiss for us.
替我们吻一下格雷厄姆。
Can you get in there to kiss him?
你能进去亲他吗？
OK.
好的。
Then do.
然后做。
Bye.
再见。
Bye, Thomas.
再见，托马斯。
Bye, Thomas!
再见，托马斯！
Say hi to Kelli.
向凯莉问好。
Griffy, you've gotten so big.
格里菲，你已经这么大了。
I'm sorry I had to be away for so long.
很抱歉我不得不离开这么久。
I was away, but I'm back now.
我本来不在，但现在回来了。
Are you my Griffy?
你是我的格里菲吗？
Are you my Griffy?
你是我的格里菲吗？
I want to believe, and I think I basically do believe that this whole ordeal did not impact Griffy in a bad way.
我想相信，而且我想我基本上确实相信这整个磨难并没有对格里菲造成不好的影响。
And I think that it didn't.
我认为事实并非如此。
Mommy.
妈妈。
Rebecca Perl Mommy came back.
丽贝卡·珀尔 妈妈回来了。
"'Mommy,' they cried.
“‘妈妈，’他们喊道。
They flapped and they danced and they bounced up and down on their branches.
它们拍打着翅膀，跳舞着，在树枝上上下弹跳。
'What's all the fuss,' their mother owl said.
“有什么大惊小怪的，”他们的猫头鹰妈妈说。
'You knew I'd come back.' And the baby owls thought-- because all owls think a lot.
“你知道我会回来的。”小猫头鹰思考——因为所有猫头鹰都会思考很多。
'I knew it,' said Sarah.
“我知道，”莎拉说。
'And I knew it,' said Percy.
“我知道，”珀西说。
'I love my mommy,' said Bill."
“我爱我的妈妈，”比尔说。
Hi, is this the seventh floor bone marrow transplant unit?
你好，这是七楼骨髓移植中心吗？
I was trying to reach Lorraine Brazier.
我正试图联系洛林·布拉泽。
I'm a friend of hers, and I was on the unit myself.
我是她的朋友，我自己也在这个单位。
Rebecca Perl.
丽贝卡·珀尔.
And I was just trying to find out about Graham.
我只是想了解格雷厄姆。
He's not in the room anymore.
他已经不在房间里了。
February 3.
2月3日。
I've been home four days when I call back to Omaha to see how Graham is doing.
我已经回家四天了，我打电话回奥马哈，看看格雷厄姆的情况如何。
This morning.
今天早上。
Did they just take him off the respirator?
他们刚刚把他的呼吸器摘掉了吗？
They didn't.
他们没有。
He just-- he wasn't breathing.
他只是——他没有呼吸了。
Oh.
哦。
Oh, gosh.
哦，天哪。
So weird.
太奇怪了。
I mean, this isn't what you expect, you know?
我的意思是，这不是你所期望的，你知道吗？
I mean, it's rare that people die from the bone marrow transplant, but I guess it happens.
我的意思是，很少有人死于骨髓移植，但我想这种情况确实会发生。
But it's rare when you get your own cells.
但当你获得自己的细胞时，这种情况很少见。
I don't know.
我不知道。
I just feel sorry for Lorraine.
我只是为洛林感到难过。
Because she's got two little kids.
因为她有两个小孩。
One is just one year old, and one is eight years old.
一个才一岁，一个已经八岁了。
That's a lot.
就这么多了。
And it's just a lot that they won't have a father.
而且他们很可能没有父亲。
Springtime.
春天。
The buds on the maple tree outside our bedroom window have begun to sprout, and so has my hair.
我们卧室窗外的枫树上的花蕾已经开始发芽，我的头发也开始发芽了。
I call this tree my hair tree because since I've been having chemo, my hair has fallen out and grown back at the same time the tree has lost its leaves and sprouted new ones.
我称这棵树为我的头发树，因为自从我接受化疗以来，我的头发脱落并重新长出来，同时树失去了叶子并长出了新的叶子。
Welcome to Omaha's Eppley Airfield.
欢迎来到奥马哈埃普利机场。
The terminal curb is for the immediate loading and unloading of passengers.
航站楼路缘石用于乘客立即上落客。
April 15.
4 月 15 日。
Three months have gone by, and we're back in Omaha.
三个月过去了，我们回到了奥马哈。
It's tax day and the day I find out if my transplant worked.
今天是纳税日，也是我知道移植手术是否有效的日子。
This time we're only here for two days, and Griffin is with us.
这次我们只在这里待两天，格里芬也和我们在一起。
That's Dr. Vose.
那是沃斯博士。
Julie Vose Who is this?
朱莉·沃斯这是谁？
That's Griffin.
那是格里芬。
Julie Vose How you doing?
朱莉·沃斯 你好吗？
You taking good care of mom?
你照顾好妈妈吗？
The news is good.
这个消息是个好消息。
Dr. Vose tells us the tumor has shrunk significantly.
沃斯博士告诉我们肿瘤已经显着缩小。
CAT scan looked really good.
CAT 扫描看起来非常好。
They said that the mass was shrinking from where it was.
他们说质量正在从原来的位置缩小。
Last time we checked in, it was two by one.
上次我们入住时是两个一个的。
That's pretty close to being what we would consider normal size for a lymph node.
这非常接近我们所认为的淋巴结的正常大小。
So it's definitely a lot smaller.
所以它肯定小很多。
It's hard to know for sure if it's completely gone.
很难确定它是否完全消失了。
It's definitely not smaller?
肯定不会小吧？
Julie Vose A lot smaller.
朱莉·沃斯 (Julie Vose) 小很多。
A lot smaller.
小很多。
Oh, OK.
哦，好吧。
Well, that's good.
嗯，那很好。
Yeah, thank you.
是的，谢谢。
I think we got about as good news as we could.
我想我们已经得到了尽可能多的好消息。
I mean, it could shrink a little bit more, I suppose.
我的意思是，我想它可能会再缩小一点。
And it's possible that what we're seeing, the reason it's somewhat bigger than a regular lymph node is that there's scar tissue.
我们所看到的，它比普通淋巴结大的原因可能是有疤痕组织。
So hopefully that's what it is and we're OK.
所以希望事情就是这样，我们一切都好。
And so that's nice.
这很好。
It's good.
很好。
This is the part where we do the Mary Tyler Moore, like take off hat and throw it up in the air.
这是我们做玛丽泰勒摩尔的部分，比如脱下帽子并将其扔到空中。
We need that music.
我们需要那种音乐。
[SINGING] You might just make it after all.
[唱歌]你也许最终能成功。
It's funny when you realize you're going to get your life back, that your job isn't just fighting a disease anymore.
当你意识到你将恢复生活，你的工作不再只是与疾病作斗争时，这很有趣。
Suddenly you have to live.
突然间你必须生活。
Egad.
埃加德。
You can't just sit around and wait to be better.
你不能只是坐等事情变得更好。
You've got to go back to work or at least do something.
你必须回去工作或者至少做点什么。
Study biology, write a book.
学习生物学，写书。
That was very strange and difficult for me at first, because for the past year and a half, I'd been doing very little.
起初这对我来说非常奇怪和困难，因为在过去的一年半里，我几乎没有做任何事情。
Reading, resting, looking through catalogs.
阅读、休息、浏览目录。
I was scared to go back to work, to face getting dressed every day, to be busy, on deadline, frantic, to let my orderly life and my time with Griffin get away from me.
我害怕回去工作，害怕每天穿衣服，害怕忙碌，害怕按时完成，害怕让我有序的生活和与格里芬在一起的时间远离我。
One year since my transplant.
移植一年后。
The tumor has shrunk to the size of a normal lymph node, suggesting the disease is gone.
肿瘤已经缩小到正常淋巴结的大小，表明疾病已经消失。
I'm back at work, but my energy is still low.
我回到工作岗位，但我的精力仍然很低。
I'm tired a lot, and when Griffin gets sick with a cold, I get sick too.
我很累，当格里芬感冒时，我也会生病。
And I get it bad.
我觉得很糟糕。
Still, we go on vacation.
尽管如此，我们还是去度假了。
Tom and I went to Rome this fall.
汤姆和我今年秋天去了罗马。
We see friends, make dinner.
我们见朋友，做晚饭。
We even fight.
我们甚至打架。
And though my life is pretty good, I don't feel ecstatic, but I feel content.
虽然我的生活还不错，但我并没有感到欣喜若狂，而是感到满足。
And if I worry, I worry about life returning to the way it was before I got sick.
如果我担心，我担心生活会恢复到我生病之前的样子。
Sometimes, I think, I wonder if it changed me.
有时，我想，我想知道它是否改变了我。
You know, like Armitage, who's the head doctor in Omaha, said, you don't go through this without changing.
你知道，就像奥马哈的首席医生阿米蒂奇所说，如果你不做出改变，你就不会经历这一切。
And sometimes I feel like I'm really just the same.
有时我觉得我真的和以前一样。
I still sweat the little details or get mad if the kitchen is a mess or something, things that shouldn't matter to me anymore having gone through something like this.
我仍然会为小细节而烦恼，或者如果厨房乱七八糟或其他什么的，我会生气，经历过这样的事情后，这些事情对我来说不再重要了。
And yet I still get caught up in them.
但我仍然深陷其中。
And so sometimes I think I haven't changed.
所以有时候我觉得我没有改变。
And that scares me because it makes me think that if I haven't changed, then I do everything the same, then I could get sick again.
这让我感到害怕，因为这让我觉得如果我没有改变，那么我会做同样的事情，然后我可能会再次生病。
But if I can learn from this and change, then I won't.
但如果我能从中吸取教训并做出改变，那么我就不会这么做。
Scenes From a Transplant was produced by Dan Collison with help from Tom Jennings, to whom this story is dedicated.
《移植场景》由丹·克里森 (Dan Collison) 在汤姆·詹宁斯 (Tom Jennings) 的帮助下制作，本故事就是献给他的。
The story was originally shot on video.
这个故事最初是用视频拍摄的。
Dan Collison is currently looking for funding for a video version of the documentary.
丹·科里森目前正在为该纪录片的视频版本寻找资金。
Our program was produced today by Alix Spiegel and myself with Nancy Updike and Julie Snyder.
今天我们的节目由阿利克斯·斯皮格尔、我、南希·厄普代克和朱莉·斯奈德共同制作。
Senior editor Paul Tough, contributing editors Jack Hitt, Margy Rochlin and Consigliere Sarah Vowell.
高级编辑 Paul Tough、特约编辑 Jack Hitt、Margy Rochlin 和 Consigliere Sarah Vowell。
Production help from Laura Doggett and [?
劳拉·道吉特 (Laura Doggett) 和 [?
Sahini ?] Davenport.
萨希尼？]达文波特。
This week we are pleased to announce that This American Life now has a website on the internet.
本周我们很高兴地宣布《This American Life》现在在互联网上有了一个网站。
The address, www.thislife.org.
地址，www.thislife.org。
That's thislife, one word, no space in between this and life.
这就是今生，一个词，这与生命之间没有空格。
www.thislife.org.
www.thislife.org。
On the site, you'll find sound files of most of our programs to listen to whenever you wish.
在该网站上，您可以找到我们大多数节目的声音文件，以便您随时收听。
Thanks to Elizabeth Wasserman and KCRW.
感谢伊丽莎白·沃瑟曼和 KCRW。
If you'd like to buy an old-fashioned cassette of our program, call us at WBEZ here in Chicago, 312-832-3380.
如果您想购买我们节目的老式磁带，请致电芝加哥的 WBEZ，电话：312-832-3380。
312-832-3380.
312-832-3380。
Our email address, [email protected]
我们的电子邮件地址，[电子邮件受保护]
This American Life is distributed by Public Radio International.
《美国生活》由国际公共广播电台发行。
[FUNDING CREDITS] WBEZ management oversight by Torey Malatia.
[资金来源] WBEZ 管理由 Torey Malatia 监督。
I'm Ira Glass, back next week with more stories of This American Life.
我是艾拉·格拉斯，下周回来，带来更多《美国生活》的故事。
This American Life is produced in collaboration with WBEZ Chicago and delivered to stations by PRX The Public Radio Exchange.
《This American Life》与 WBEZ Chicago 合作制作，并由 PRX 公共广播电台传送到各电台。