Present Tense: The Long Shadow of an Eating Disorder
Please note: This essay includes descriptions of anorexia and bulimia, which may be distressing or triggering for some readers.
请注意：本文包含对厌食症和贪食症的描述，这可能会让某些读者感到痛苦或触发。
If you or someone you love is struggling with an eating disorder, the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders (ANAD) offers a free helpline at 1 (888)-375-7767.
如果您或您所爱的人正在与饮食失调作斗争，全国神经性厌食症及相关疾病协会 (ANAD) 提供免费帮助热线：1 (888)-375-7767。
Please visit ANAD’s website for additional information.
请访问 ANAD 网站了解更多信息。
I was 13 the first time I remember refusing to eat.
我记得第一次拒绝吃饭是在我13岁的时候。
I don’t remember what set me off or why refusing food was my form of rebellion, but I remember the stab of hunger soothing something I couldn’t name.
我不记得是什么让我如此愤怒，也不记得为什么拒绝食物是我的叛逆形式，但我记得饥饿的刺痛抚慰着我无法命名的东西。
I called it “crash dieting” throughout high school.
我在整个高中期间将其称为“速成节食”。
This was the early ’00s, so no one batted an eye when I said I was on a diet.
那是 00 年代初，所以当我说我在节食时，没有人眨一下眼睛。
The body positivity movement hadn’t fully integrated with general society and we were expected to hate our bodies.
身体积极运动尚未完全融入整个社会，我们被期望讨厌我们的身体。
I drew grids on printer paper and wrote out what I ate each day.
我在打印纸上画出网格并写下我每天吃的东西。
One box for breakfast (nothing), one box for lunch (a rice cake), one box for dinner (carrot sticks).
早餐一盒（什么都没有），午餐一盒（年糕），晚餐一盒（胡萝卜条）。
I was more concerned with not eating than I was with being skinny.
比起瘦，我更关心不吃饭。
Hunger was a proxy, a way to redirect bad feelings I didn’t know how to cope with.
饥饿是一种代理，一种转移我不知道如何应对的不良情绪的方法。
Anything could send me into a crash diet—lunchroom tension that put my already low social standing at risk.
任何事情都可能让我陷入速成节食——午餐时的紧张情绪让我本已很低的社会地位面临风险。
The classroom bully making fun of my socks.
教室里的恶霸取笑我的袜子。
A tearful argument with my mom.
和妈妈吵架，泪流满面。
My bouts of restriction were always preceded by a jittery, head-spinning buzz.
我每次受到限制之前总是会感到紧张、头晕目眩。
I would later learn that this was a physical manifestation of anxiety, but all I knew at the time was that focusing on hunger helped alleviate my shaky nausea.
后来我才知道，这是焦虑的一种身体表现，但当时我只知道专注于饥饿有助于缓解我颤抖的恶心。
Each episode lasted a few days, a week at most.
每集持续几天，最多一周。
The bad feeling would fade, I’d become tired of feeling hungry, or my friends would start talking to me again.
不好的感觉会消失，我会厌倦饥饿的感觉，或者我的朋友会再次开始和我说话。
I never confronted my anxiety or developed skills to deal with my feelings.
我从未面对过自己的焦虑，也没有发展出处理自己情绪的技能。
Then, in the winter of my sophomore year of college, I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me.
然后，在我大学二年级的冬天，我发现我的男朋友欺骗了我。
If you’ve ever been a sophomore in college with a boyfriend who cheated on you, you are aware that this is the worst thing in the entire world.
如果你是大学二年级学生，男朋友背叛了你，你就会意识到这是世界上最糟糕的事情。
I dove headfirst into a full-blown eating disorder.
我一头扎进了全面的饮食失调症。
Do not pass go, do not collect $200.
不要通过，不要收取 200 美元。
Instead of confronting the ravaged ache of my teenage heart, I turned to what had always been there: restriction.
我没有面对我青少年时期内心的痛苦，而是转向了一直存在的东西：限制。
While eating disorders can (and do) develop on the basis of body image, they are often adaptive, which means the person engages in those behaviors for reasons other than weight loss.
虽然饮食失调可以（并且确实）在身体形象的基础上发展，但它们通常是适应性的，这意味着人们出于减肥以外的原因从事这些行为。
Focusing on pain within my control—hunger via restriction—was my panicked attempt at reclaiming power.
专注于我能控制的痛苦——限制带来的饥饿——是我为夺回权力而惊慌失措的尝试。
I picture myself at 19, walking out of the daylight down a wooded pathway that rapidly closes in, becoming narrower and more twisted until I am so tangled in branches I can’t move forward or turn back.
我想象着 19 岁的自己，走出日光，沿着一条树木繁茂的小路走去，小路迅速逼近，变得越来越窄，越来越扭曲，直到我被树枝缠住，无法前进或后退。
If I’d known that 17 years into the future, at the age of 36, I would be sitting hunched over to hide my stomach, cringing at mirrors, and sobbing at the sight of my body in a dress, maybe I would have done something differently.
如果我知道 17 年后，在 36 岁的时候，我会弓着背坐着，掩饰自己的肚子，对着镜子感到畏缩，并在看到自己穿着裙子的身体时哭泣，也许我会采取不同的做法。
Maybe I would have dedicated more energy to therapy, found healthy ways to process, accepted that sometimes life feels hard and then you get over it.
也许我会投入更多的精力来治疗，找到健康的处理方式，接受有时生活感觉艰难，然后你就会克服它。
But I was 19 and did not know the future.
但当时我19岁，不知道未来。
I did not know patience.
我不知道耐心。
I had no way to understand that the shock of heartbreak is like riding a tidal wave that eventually loses momentum, settling back to the swells of daily life.
我无法理解，心碎的震撼就像乘着浪潮，最终失去动力，回归日常生活的波涛。
At 19 I couldn’t imagine I’d ever be on the other side, so I did nothing except starve myself.
19岁时，我无法想象自己会站在另一边，所以我除了挨饿之外什么也没做。
And for the first time, I lost weight.
我第一次减肥了。
At first, my refusal to eat flew under the radar.
起初，我拒绝进食的行为没有引起注意。
Restriction is aligned with diet culture, making it a fairly acceptable form of behavioral control, at least to a certain extent.
限制与饮食文化相一致，使其成为一种相当可接受的行为控制形式，至少在某种程度上是这样。
Plus, you get a lot of positive reinforcement when you lose weight.
另外，当你减肥时，你会得到很多积极的强化。
So when I started seeing physical results, something flipped in my brain and an already unhealthy coping mechanism turned into something more insidious, like a nest of snakes cracking through shells, flicking their forked tongues in the air.
因此，当我开始看到物理结果时，我的大脑发生了一些变化，本来就不健康的应对机制变成了更阴险的东西，就像一窝蛇破开贝壳，在空中弹着分叉的舌头。
But I was 19 and did not know the future.
但当时我19岁，不知道未来。
I did not know patience.
我不知道耐心。
I had no way to understand that the shock of heartbreak is like riding a tidal wave that eventually loses momentum, settling back to the swells of daily life.
我无法理解，心碎的震撼就像乘着浪潮，最终失去动力，回归日常生活的波涛。
The soft padding of flesh around my hips shrank, then vanished.
我臀部周围柔软的肉垫收缩了，然后消失了。
My D-cup chest shriveled to a C, then a B.
我的 D 罩杯胸部萎缩为 C，然后是 B。
I stood in front of the mirror one morning, dizzy with hunger and awe, tracing a finger around my protruding collarbone.
一天早上，我站在镜子前，饥饿和敬畏让我头晕目眩，用一根手指抚摸着我突出的锁骨。
I raised my arms over my head and saw the shadowed curves of one, two, three ribs.
我将手臂举过头顶，看到一根、两根、三根肋骨的阴影曲线。
If I stood at just the right angle, I could glimpse air between my thighs.
如果我站在正确的角度，我可以看到大腿之间的空气。
Before this, restricting had been about being hungry.
在此之前，限制一直是为了饥饿。
But with this rapid weight loss, the snakes uncoiled in my brain, coming to life in the success of measurable metrics.
但随着体重的快速减轻，蛇在我的大脑中展开，在可衡量指标的成功中变得栩栩如生。
I went from never weighing myself to stepping on the scale a dozen times a day.
我从从来不称体重，到每天踩体重秤十几次。
The hunger cramps and lightheadedness were worth it, as long as the number continued to drop.
只要数字继续下降，饥饿痉挛和头晕都是值得的。
It wasn’t easy though—I craved food from the moment I woke up to the moment I curled around my gnawing, empty stomach and tried to sleep.
但这并不容易——从我醒来的那一刻起，到我蜷缩在空空的胃里，试图入睡的那一刻，我都渴望食物。
A common misconception about eating disorders is that the person doesn’t want to eat.
关于饮食失调的一个常见误解是人们不想吃东西。
That isn’t always true, and certainly not for me.
但这并不总是正确的，对我来说当然也不是这样。
I thought about food all the time.
我一直在想着食物。
I stared at girls eating—not in disgust but in envy.
我盯着吃东西的女孩们——不是厌恶，而是羡慕。
Sharing pastries outside coffee shops, tearing open energy bar wrappers in the gym lobby.
在咖啡店外分享糕点，在健身房大堂撕开能量棒包装纸。
I walked through the dining hall with my tray of food substitutes—fat-free Cool Whip, iceberg lettuce doused in ketchup—trying not to gape as I passed a dining hall employee shaking salt over a tray of french fries and sliding a pan of cheeseburgers under the heat lamp.
我端着托盘走过餐厅——脱脂凉鞭、番茄酱里的卷心生菜——当我经过一名餐厅工作人员时，我尽量不张口结舌，他在一盘炸薯条上摇晃盐，把一盘芝士汉堡放在加热灯下。
But eating meant failure, and the earth-shaking loss of my relationship was already enough failure.
但吃饭就意味着失败，而感情的彻底丧失就已经足够失败了。
I developed strategies for keeping the hunger at bay, gnawing on bowls of air-popped popcorn and dry Fiber One cereal, mentally subtracting the fiber from the overall calories.
我制定了抑制饥饿的策略，啃几碗空气爆米花和干纤维一麦片，在心里从总热量中减去纤维。
I drank decaf instant coffee from morning until night, dumped packets of Splenda over bowls of slimy sugar-free JELL-O, did anything I could to create the illusion of flavor and food.
我从早到晚都喝无咖啡因的速溶咖啡，把几包 Splenda 倒在几碗粘糊糊的无糖果冻上，尽我所能来创造味道和食物的错觉。
Adhering to my own rules for what (and when) I could eat became increasingly stressful.
遵守自己关于吃什么（以及什么时候）的规则变得越来越有压力。
Whispers spread through my social group about my weight loss and bizarre habits, and I started going to the dining hall alone, sitting at a two-top against the wall so no one could see my disordered facsimile of a meal.
关于我的减肥和奇怪习惯的窃窃私语在我的社交圈子里传播开来，我开始独自去餐厅，坐在靠墙的两层顶上，这样就没有人能看到我乱七八糟的一顿饭的复制品。
My brain, which had always felt sharp, became confused and groggy.
我一向敏锐的大脑变得混乱而昏昏沉沉。
I felt trapped between sleep and wakefulness, unable to focus in class.
我感到困在睡眠和清醒之间，无法在课堂上集中注意力。
I heard my sentences trail off through an echoing tunnel.
我听到我的句子在回声隧道中逐渐减弱。
I scanned my body obsessively every chance I got.
我一有机会就着迷地审视自己的身体。
I peered into the mirror to make sure I could still see the correct collarbone depth and angular bones jutting from behind my shoulders.
我凝视镜子，确保我仍然可以看到正确的锁骨深度和从肩膀后面突出的角骨。
But eating meant failure, and the earth-shaking loss of my relationship was already enough failure.
但吃饭就意味着失败，而感情的彻底丧失就已经足够失败了。
When my weight loss slowed—the body’s desperate bid to cling to calories—I doubled down on the rules that governed my life.
当我的体重减轻速度减慢时——身体拼命地想抓住卡路里——我加倍努力遵守控制我生活的规则。
No solid food until 12 p.m.
中午 12 点之前不能吃固体食物。
After noon I could chew a piece of gum, and if I was about to pass out, I was allowed a bite of fat-free cottage cheese.
中午过后，我可以嚼一块口香糖，如果我快要昏倒了，我可以吃一口脱脂干酪。
In the evenings, I ate one green apple cut into 32 slices.
晚上，我吃了一个青苹果，切成32片。
I drank Diet Coke and instant coffee to fool my stomach into thinking it was full.
我喝健怡可乐和速溶咖啡来欺骗我的胃，让我以为它已经饱了。
I set impossible-to-reach standards of success that would finally let me be happy: a perfect day of restriction, a new and lower number on the scale.
我设定了不可能达到的成功标准，最终让我感到高兴：完美的限制日，体重秤上的新的更低的数字。
But the goal post kept moving.
但球门柱一直在移动。
By late spring, all my waking hours revolved around not eating.
到了春末，我所有醒着的时间都围绕着不吃东西。
I trailed behind my friends one evening, starving and exhausted as I pulled myself up the railing toward the student union building.
一天晚上，当我爬上栏杆朝学生会大楼走去时，我跟在朋友们后面，饥肠辘辘，筋疲力尽。
It was late in the day and I had been “good,” following the rules without slipping up.
当时已经很晚了，我表现得“很好”，遵守规则，没有犯错。
This meant I’d had just half a cucumber, my allotted apple, and so much instant coffee my teeth were covered in fine silt.
这意味着我只吃了半根黄瓜、分配给我的苹果和太多的速溶咖啡，我的牙齿上都沾满了细泥。
“I’m not waiting three hours for her to cross campus,” one of the girls snapped, tossing her flat-ironed hair over the collar of her North Face fleece.
“我不会等她穿过校园三个小时，”其中一个女孩厉声说道，一边把烫好的头发甩到 North Face 抓绒衣的领子上。
I paused and shoved a piece of gum in my mouth, trying to ease the sting of her words.
我停了下来，塞了一块口香糖到嘴里，试图减轻她话语中的刺痛。
The truth was, while being skinny was the most important part of my life, I was getting a little sick of feeling dull and starving.
事实是，虽然瘦是我生命中最重要的部分，但我有点厌倦了沉闷和饥饿的感觉。
I hadn’t eaten bread or butter or cookies or pasta or salad dressing in six months.
我已经六个月没有吃面包、黄油、饼干、意大利面或沙拉酱了。
I missed being able to walk up a flight of stairs.
我怀念能够走上一段楼梯的时光。
The thick wool around my brain was both maddening and alarming.
我大脑周围的厚厚的羊毛既令人抓狂又令人震惊。
OK, I thought, watching my friends disappear into the building as I slowly ascended the steps.
好吧，我一边想，一边慢慢走上台阶，看着我的朋友们消失在大楼里。
Maybe it’s time to start eating again.
也许是时候重新开始吃饭了。
The next morning I carefully folded a slice of wheat bread around a dab of peanut butter: a sad, eating-disordered version of a sandwich.
第二天早上，我小心翼翼地把一片小麦面包裹上一点花生酱：这是一个悲伤的、饮食失调的三明治版本。
I saved it for that afternoon, feeling the weight of it in my pocket as I crossed campus.
我把它留到那天下午，穿过校园时，我感觉到它在口袋里的重量。
I pulled the sandwich out of my pocket when I arrived for my shift at the gym.
当我到达健身房轮班时，我从口袋里掏出了三明治。
But then I froze, unable to pick it up.
但后来我愣住了，无法接起它。
If I eat this sandwich, what next?
如果我吃了这个三明治，接下来怎么办？
Bagels?
百吉饼？
Pizza?
比萨？
Cake?
蛋糕？
Ice cream?
冰淇淋？
All of this discipline and success for nothing?
所有这些纪律和成功都白费了？
Who will I be if I’m not skinny?
如果我不瘦的话我会是谁？
Panic flooded my chest.
恐慌淹没了我的胸膛。
I pinched off a piece of bread and rolled it between my fingers until it became a spongy marble.
我捏下一块面包，用手指滚动，直到它变成海绵状的弹珠。
The desk phone rang shrilly, echoing the ringing in my ears.
桌上的电话尖锐地响了起来，在我耳边回响。
I ignored the phone and stared at the sandwich.
我无视电话，盯着三明治。
I tore it in half, then in half again.
我把它撕成两半，然后又撕成两半。
I shredded those four pieces until the sandwich lay scattered on the desk in 12 mutilated chunks.
我把那四块撕碎，直到三明治碎成 12 块散落在桌子上。
The phone rang again and I ignored it, my heart racing as I stared at the crumbled bread and peanut butter.
电话又响了，我没有理睬它，盯着碎面包和花生酱，我的心在狂跳。
My coworker hurried out of the back room balancing a pile of folders.
我的同事匆忙从后面的房间里平衡着一堆文件夹。
He glared at me as he grabbed the phone.
他抓起电话时瞪了我一眼。
I swept the sandwich into the garbage without taking a bite.
我一口也没咬，就把三明治扔进了垃圾桶。
My head swam from hunger, but something else, too: the dark seed of fear that I’d gone too far, the snakes embedded in every crevice of my brain.
我的头因饥饿而晕眩，但还有其他的东西：恐惧的黑暗种子，我担心自己走得太远，蛇嵌在我大脑的每一个缝隙里。
Eating this sandwich should be my choice, right?
吃这个三明治应该是我的选择吧？
No?
不？
OK then, what now?
好吧，那么现在怎么办？
I somehow passed my finals and went home for the summer
我不知何故通过了期末考试并回家过暑假
My parents were horrified when they saw me, a skeletal shadow of the daughter they’d dropped off after Christmas break.
当我的父母看到我时，他们感到非常震惊，我就像他们圣诞节假期后送走的女儿的骷髅影子。
My mother immediately booked a slew of appointments with a nutritionist, a primary care physician, and a therapist.
我母亲立即预约了一位营养师、一位初级保健医生和一位治疗师。
I was over 18, but my parents paid my college tuition and the appointments were nonnegotiable.
我已经超过 18 岁了，但我的父母支付了我的大学学费，而且任命是不容商量的。
I slumped mutely in the backseat of the minivan, ignoring her as we rode elevators up and down columns of identical office buildings, feeling nothing except a dull flash of pride the first time I heard the word anorexia in hushed tones.
我默默地坐在小型货车的后座上，当我们乘坐电梯在同一栋办公楼的柱子上上下移动时，我无视她，除了第一次以安静的语调听到“厌食症”这个词时，除了一种隐隐的自豪感之外，我什么也感觉不到。
At least I’d succeeded at something.
至少我在某件事上取得了成功。
My summer at home was a nightmare for everyone.
我在家的夏天对每个人来说都是一场噩梦。
My family begged me to have dinner with them, my mom pinched and pleading and my younger siblings staring silently at their plates.
我的家人恳求我和他们一起吃晚饭，我妈妈捏着、恳求着，我的弟弟妹妹们默默地盯着他们的盘子。
My dad was more understanding.
我爸爸比较理解。
He had quietly fought his own battles with body image and restriction throughout my childhood, but he was still helpless seeing how far I’d plunged down the rabbit hole.
在我的整个童年时期，他一直在悄悄地与身体形象和限制作斗争，但看到我已经陷入兔子洞多远，他仍然无助。
I didn’t have the words to say how I wanted to join them, or explain why I couldn’t.
我无法用语言来表达我如何想加入他们，或者解释为什么我不能。
I would have loved to go to the ice cream stand or yell out topping suggestions when we called for pizza.
当我们叫披萨时，我很想去冰淇淋摊或大声喊出配料建议。
I wanted to pile my dad’s famous meatballs on a heaping mound of pasta and elbow my sister for the green shaker of powdered parmesan.
我想把我父亲著名的肉丸堆在一堆意大利面上，然后用肘部挤我妹妹去买一瓶帕尔马干酪粉的绿色奶昔。
But I hovered in the doorway like a ghoul of an eldest daughter, desperate to be near food and warmth but too scared to take a bite.
但我像大女儿的食尸鬼一样在门口徘徊，渴望靠近食物和温暖，但又害怕咬一口。
“I’m not hungry,” I said.
“我不饿，”我说。
One night in August, I did join them for ice cream.
八月的一天晚上，我确实和他们一起吃冰淇淋。
We’d driven to an event together and I was too woozy to walk back to the house alone.
我们一起开车去参加一个活动，我太晕了，无法独自走回房子。
Or maybe that’s not true.
或者也许这不是真的。
Maybe I didn’t need a ride back, but I was tired of arguing about food.
也许我不需要搭车回去，但我厌倦了争论食物。
Maybe I wanted to pretend I was normal.
也许我想假装自己很正常。
Maybe I just wanted to eat some fucking ice cream.
也许我只是想吃点他妈的冰淇淋。
When it was my turn to order, the bored high schooler in a pastel baseball cap hovered her pen over the ticket.
轮到我点餐时，那位戴着淡色棒球帽、无聊的高中生将笔悬在了票上。
I opened my mouth to order the tasteless, sugar-free frozen yogurt from the back of the case, covered in ice crystals from neglect.
我张开嘴，从盒子后面点了一份无味、无糖的冷冻酸奶，上面因疏忽而结满了冰晶。
“Can I have a large sundae, with mint chip, rocky road, sprinkles, and extra hot fudge?” I asked, my voice high-pitched and unfamiliar.
“我可以要一个大圣代，里面有薄荷片、石路、糖屑和额外的热软糖吗？”我问道，声音尖锐而陌生。
A few minutes later my order appeared in the window.
几分钟后，我的订单出现在窗口中。
A sloppy, overflowing bowl of ice cream with hot fudge dripping down the side and a maraschino cherry leaking electric red dye down the sagging pile of whipped cream.
一碗乱七八糟、溢出来的冰淇淋，热软糖从侧面滴下来，樱桃酒从下垂的一堆生奶油中漏出电红色染料。
I inhaled the sundae in a frantic, bug-eyed rush.
我疯狂地、瞪着眼睛，猛地吸了一口圣代冰淇淋。
My siblings pretended not to stare, but I could feel the tension drain as I ate.
我的兄弟姐妹假装没有盯着看，但我能感觉到吃东西时紧张感消失了。
She’s eating ice cream.
她正在吃冰淇淋。
Maybe she’s going to get better; maybe this is over.
也许她会好起来；也许她会好起来。也许这一切都结束了。
They chattered over each other as they dug into their cones, the rise and fall of conversation a backdrop to the dopamine receptors firing so hard I could barely see straight.
他们一边挖着视锥细胞，一边喋喋不休，谈话的起起落落是多巴胺受体猛烈放电的背景，我几乎无法直视。
The taste of real food made me swoon: thick, creamy ice cream, crunchy sprinkles, gooey fudge hardened into sticky clumps.
真正食物的味道让我着迷：厚厚的奶油冰淇淋，松脆的糖屑，粘稠的软糖硬化成粘稠的团块。
I scraped the bottom of the dish so hard I bent the plastic spoon.
我用力刮盘子的底部，以至于把塑料勺子弄弯了。
The colors of the outdoor patio felt saturated, like my vision was turned up to superhero level.
室外露台的颜色感觉很饱和，就像我的视野被提升到了超级英雄的水平。
My voice sounded like it was coming through a tunnel as I said: be right back.
我的声音听起来像是从隧道里传来的，我说：马上回来。
The little dairy hut had a one-stall private bathroom.
小小的奶牛场小屋有一个一档位的私人浴室。
And ice cream, as it turned out, was one of the easiest things to get back up.
事实证明，冰淇淋是最容易恢复的东西之一。
Wherever I’d been before—the on-and-off restriction, the full-blown anorexia, somewhere in between—bulimia was so much worse.
无论我以前去过哪里——断断续续的限制、全面的厌食症，或者介于两者之间——贪食症都严重得多。
There is a certain purity in restriction, an ethereal perfection in refusing food.
限制有一定的纯洁性，拒绝食物有一种空灵的完美。
You are elevated, you don’t need like others do.
你的地位很高，你不需要像其他人那样。
In the hierarchy of eating disorders, anorexia is at the top.
在饮食失调的等级中，厌食症位居榜首。
To be diagnosed with anorexia is a symbol of willpower and control.
被诊断患有厌食症是意志力和控制力的象征。
Bulimia is the opposite.
暴食症则相反。
It means giving in to hedonistic, animal cravings.
这意味着屈服于享乐主义、动物性的渴望。
You are always doing something wrong (eating), then atoning for it (purging).
你总是做错事（吃），然后弥补（净化）。
It is a descent straight to hell and I was powerless to stop it.
这是直接坠入地狱，我无力阻止。
Once I ate the ice cream, there was no going back.
吃完冰淇淋就再也回不去了。
Every morning I woke up and prepared to battle my mind and body, begging the two to cooperate and not wind up in an out-of-control nighttime binge.
每天早上我醒来，准备与我的思想和身体作斗争，恳求两者合作，不要最终陷入失控的夜间狂欢。
I’d make it through most of the day, then fall apart at night.
我会熬过白天的大部分时间，然后在晚上崩溃。
Soon there were multiple fugue-like binges each day.
很快，每天都会出现多次类似神游的狂欢。
My electrolytes became so skewed I’d see stars when I stood up, and I built a mental map of single-stall campus bathrooms where I could jam my fingers down my throat until blood vessels burst in my eyes and the corners of my lips split apart.
我的电解质变得如此扭曲，当我站起来时，我会看到星星，我在脑海中绘制了单间校园浴室的地图，在那里我可以将手指塞进喉咙，直到我的眼睛里的血管爆裂，我的嘴角裂开。
To be diagnosed with anorexia is a symbol of willpower and control.
被诊断患有厌食症是意志力和控制力的象征。
Bulimia is the opposite.
暴食症则相反。
It means giving in to hedonistic, animal cravings.
这意味着屈服于享乐主义、动物性的渴望。
I lost whatever remained of my brain power.
我失去了仅存的脑力。
My head was so fuzzy I’d set the shampoo outside of the shower door after I’d used it, then put the conditioner out afterwards.
我的头很模糊，我用完洗发水后就把它放在淋浴门外面，然后再把护发素拿出来。
Otherwise I’d have no memory of what stage of hair washing I was at, repeating the lather and rinse so many times I’d start crying from confusion and frustration.
否则我就不记得自己正处于洗头的哪个阶段，重复起泡沫和冲洗很多次，我会因为困惑和沮丧而开始哭泣。
My world was reduced to fear, hunger, and shame.
我的世界只剩下恐惧、饥饿和羞耻。
There was no self anymore.
已经没有自我了。
I feel like everything is gray and I miss color, I scrawled in a barely legible journal entry, one of only a few coherent thoughts in a notebook filled with run-on sentences panicking about food and weight and sadness and self-loathing.
我感觉一切都是灰色的，我怀念色彩，我在一篇几乎难以辨认的日记中潦草写下，这是笔记本中仅有的几个连贯的想法之一，笔记本上充满了对食物、体重、悲伤和自我厌恶的恐慌的连续句子。
To understand (or even perhaps empathize with) the eating-disordered mind requires some suspension of disbelief.
要理解（甚至可能同情）饮食失调的心理，需要暂时放下怀疑。
You have to accept that after a certain point, very little of it makes sense.
你必须承认，到了一定程度之后，一切就变得毫无意义了。
I felt like a rat trapped in a maze with no finish, running into walls and getting electrocuted at every turn.
我感觉自己就像一只被困在迷宫里的老鼠，没有尽头，每次转弯都会撞到墙壁，触电身亡。
I wanted out of the hellscape I’d created, but I had formed a whole identity around the latticework of visible bones and tendons; my days were structured around the denial of food.
我想要摆脱我所创造的地狱景观，但我已经围绕可见的骨骼和肌腱的网格形成了一个完整的身份；我的日子就是围绕着拒绝食物而度过的。
To give up the eating disorder meant losing the core of who I had become.
放弃饮食失调意味着失去我的核心。
If I lost control over the core of my being, it would mean I failed.
如果我失去了对自己存在核心的控制，那就意味着我失败了。
If I failed .
如果我失败了。
.
。
.
。
I didn’t have an answer for what happened after failure.
对于失败后发生的事情我没有答案。
It was too terrifying to think about.
实在是太可怕了，难以想象。
My family lived within driving distance, and one night my mom dropped me back on campus after my sister’s birthday dinner.
我的家人住在开车距离之内，有一天晚上，我姐姐的生日晚餐结束后，我妈妈把我送回校园。
I’d swayed in a chair all night, shifting from side to side on my bony butt, spots dancing in front of my eyes as I tried to resist binging on ice cream cake.
我整个晚上都在椅子上晃来晃去，瘦骨嶙峋的屁股左右摇摆，当我试图抗拒吃冰淇淋蛋糕时，斑点在我眼前舞动。
My mom was quiet on the drive, but as we pulled up to my apartment building, she pushed a trifold pamphlet into my chapped hands.
我妈妈在开车的路上很安静，但当我们把车停到我的公寓楼时，她把一本三折小册子塞到我干裂的手中。
I tilted it toward the window, squinting at Walden Center for Behavioral Health printed in black over a watercolor of two people walking a flower-lined path.
我把它向窗户倾斜，眯着眼睛看着瓦尔登行为健康中心，上面用黑色印着一幅水彩画，画着两个人走在开满鲜花的小路上。
“What is this?” I asked, pinching it between two fingers.
“这是什么？”我用两根手指捏着它问道。
“It’s a residential program,” she said.
“这是一个住宿计划，”她说。
“A special program for eating disorders.” She flinched almost imperceptibly as the words hovered between us.
“针对饮食失调的特殊计划。”当这些话在我们之间徘徊时，她几乎难以察觉地退缩了。
I was prone to eruptions at any mention of doctors, therapy, or eating, so I can’t imagine the guts it took for her to hand me this pamphlet, how she must have felt on the drive to campus.
一提到医生、治疗或饮食，我就很容易爆发，所以我无法想象她有多大的勇气递给我这本小册子，也无法想象她在开车去校园的路上一定有什么感受。
“You talked to them?” I hissed, flinging the seatbelt so hard over my shoulder it hit the door.
“你跟他们谈过了？”我发出嘶嘶声，用力地将安全带甩到肩上，结果撞到了车门。
“Maggie,” she said, her voice shaking but measured.
“玛吉，”她说，声音颤抖，但很克制。
“You need help.
“你需要帮助。
We are terrified.
我们很害怕。
Do it for your siblings, dad, myself.
为你的兄弟姐妹、爸爸、我自己做这件事。
School, riding horses, running.
上学，骑马，跑步。
Please, we miss you.”
拜托，我们想念你。”
“I’m.
“我是。
Fine.” I could hear the low pitch of my voice building into simmering rage.
美好的。”我能听到我低沉的声音渐渐变成了沸腾的愤怒。
She held her ground.
她坚持自己的立场。
I lunged out of the car, slamming the door as she sat with her hands curled around the steering wheel, staring at her lap.
我冲下车，关上车门，而她坐在那儿，双手握着方向盘，盯着她的腿。
Two months later, I pulled the pamphlet out of my desk drawer and called the number.
两个月后，我从办公桌抽屉里拿出那本小册子，拨通了电话号码。
I don’t remember the exact moment I called, or what made me do it.
我不记得我打电话的具体时间，也不记得是什么促使我这么做的。
I told people that I’d fainted in the shower and hit my head hard enough to be scared for my life.
我告诉人们我在淋浴时晕倒了，头部受到重击，以至于我担心自己的生命安全。
I didn’t want to lie, but I felt the need to justify giving up the eating disorder.
我不想撒谎，但我觉得有必要证明放弃饮食失调是合理的。
It wasn’t enough to just want my life back.
仅仅想要恢复我的生活是不够的。
But I did want my life back.
但我确实想要恢复我的生活。
Desperately.
绝望地。
I felt like being dead would be better than continuing to exist.
我觉得死了比继续存在要好。
I weighed less than 100 pounds.
我的体重不到 100 磅。
It hurt to sit and to stand, my knuckles bled from scraping them against my teeth, and I nearly fainted every time I stood up.
坐着和站着都很疼，指关节刮着牙齿流血，每次站起来都差点晕倒。
My friends couldn’t stand me, my family was scared of me, I couldn’t put together a full sentence, and I missed who I used to be as a person.
我的朋友无法忍受我，我的家人害怕我，我无法说出完整的句子，我想念曾经的我。
That was it.
就是这样。
Those were my reasons.
这些就是我的理由。
I checked into Walden the day after Christmas of my junior year.
我在大三圣诞节后的第二天入住了瓦尔登湖。
I’d wound up following a not-uncommon trajectory: More than 50 percent of women diagnosed with bulimia have a history of anorexia.
我最终遵循了一条并不罕见的轨迹：超过 50% 被诊断患有贪食症的女性有厌食症病史。
The rigid restriction I’d put myself through was unsustainable in the long term, and like other patients, had led to binge eating and compensatory purging.
从长远来看，我对自己施加的严格限制是不可持续的，并且像其他患者一样，导致了暴饮暴食和补偿性净化。
By the time I dragged my floral duffel through the sliding doors of Walden, I fit the criteria for “restrictive bulimia.”
当我拖着我的花卉行李袋穿过瓦尔登湖的推拉门时，我符合“限制性贪食症”的标准。
Walden Center had four units on the ground floor of a beautiful apartment building in eastern Massachusetts.
瓦尔登中心在马萨诸塞州东部一栋美丽公寓楼的底层有四个单元。
Residents moved apartments as they progressed through the program, rewarded with less supervision and more privileges at each stage.
居民随着计划的进展而搬迁公寓，每个阶段都会得到更少的监管和更多的特权。
I started in the first apartment, with open-door bathroom monitoring, no outside walks beside a brief daily dose of fresh air, and one slow, supervised yoga session every week.
我从第一间公寓开始，那里有敞开的浴室监控，除了每天短暂的新鲜空气外，没有户外散步，每周还有一次缓慢的、有人监督的瑜伽课程。
Walden’s program was fairly standard for a residential facility.
瓦尔登湖的项目对于住宅设施来说是相当标准的。
Along with weight restoration and interrupting eating disorder behaviors, treatment emphasized relearning how to have a normal relationship with food.
除了恢复体重和中断饮食失调行为外，治疗还强调重新学习如何与食物建立正常关系。
With supervision, we made shopping lists and cooked our own meals.
在监督下，我们制定了购物清单并自己做饭。
It was a far cry from the trays of hospital food I’d imagined.
这与我想象中的医院食物托盘相去甚远。
Each resident had their own daily requirements, which included portions of grains, proteins, fats, fruits, and vegetables.
每个居民都有自己的日常需求，其中包括谷物、蛋白质、脂肪、水果和蔬菜。
There were no mentions of calories, just a list of foods under each category.
没有提到卡路里，只是每个类别下的食物列表。
The list of grains alone contained a cornucopia of illegal food: oatmeal, bagels, english muffins, bread, cereal, granola bars.
仅谷物清单就包含了大量非法食品：燕麦片、百吉饼、英式松饼、面包、麦片、格兰诺拉麦片。
Proteins were even more thrilling: Greek yogurt, string cheese, cream cheese, bacon, hamburgers, beans.
蛋白质更令人兴奋：希腊酸奶、奶酪丝、奶油奶酪、培根、汉堡包、豆类。
Foods I hadn’t eaten outside of hollow-eyed, guilt-ridden binges in more than a year.
一年多来，除了眼神空洞、充满负罪感的暴饮暴食之外，我没有吃过任何食物。
I settled in quickly, determined to learn the rules and do everything well.
我很快就适应了，决心学习规则并做好每件事。
Each week we huddled around Stop & Shop delivery forms, consulting each other as a counselor sat at the table with one ear tuned to the conversation.
每周，我们都会围坐在 Stop & Shop 送货表格旁，互相咨询，辅导员坐在桌旁，用一只耳朵倾听谈话。
We had to create a weekly grocery list that would stock the pantry for our meals.
我们必须创建一个每周的杂货清单，为我们的膳食储存食品储藏室。
It was a simple task that stretched our brains to their limits.
这是一项简单的任务，但却将我们的大脑发挥到了极限。
I stared at the list of food, moving a stubby pencil between rice, honey, half and half, chicken.
我盯着食物清单，用粗短的铅笔在米饭、蜂蜜、一半和一半、鸡肉之间移动。
What does a normal meal look like?
正常的一餐是什么样的？
It doesn’t look like stewed tomatoes eaten from the can, but it also doesn’t look like a pint of Ben and Jerry’s, a bag of Goldfish, four bowls of Frosted Flakes, and half a jar of hot fudge followed by 30 minutes in the bathroom turning my stomach inside out before collapsing with a tear-streaked cheek pressed to the tile.
它看起来不像是从罐头里吃的炖西红柿，但也不像一品脱本杰瑞啤酒、一袋金鱼、四碗糖霜片和半罐热软糖，然后在浴室里呆了 30 分钟，把我的胃翻了个底朝天，然后把泪痕累累的脸颊压在瓷砖上。
Three times per day, each apartment’s residents gathered in the kitchens to make meals that fulfilled our requirements.
每间公寓的住户每天三次聚集在厨房里制作满足我们要求的饭菜。
Emotions ran high and the counselors were present to both calm us and approve our choices.
情绪高涨，辅导员在场让我们平静下来并批准我们的选择。
If I need three grains, two proteins, a vegetable, and two fats for dinner, this could mean a baked potato, a hamburger on a bun, a side of baked beans, and two servings of butter on the potato.
如果我的晚餐需要三种谷物、两种蛋白质、一种蔬菜和两种脂肪，这可能意味着一个烤土豆、一个面包汉堡、一份烤豆和两份土豆黄油。
Once I explained the meal to the counselor and showed them each measured component as I added it to my plate, they’d jot their initials next to my name and I could take a seat at the table.
一旦我向辅导员解释了这顿饭，并向他们展示了我将其添加到盘子中的每一个测量成分，他们就会在我的名字旁边写下他们的姓名首字母，然后我就可以在餐桌旁坐下。
I dutifully fulfilled my meal requirements.
我尽职尽责地满足了我的膳食要求。
I held my arm out for blood pressure and vitals checks each morning and night and was weighed on a blind scale every other day.
每天早晚我都会伸出手臂进行血压和生命体征检查，并每隔一天在盲秤上称重。
I participated in nutrition classes, suffered through weekly family therapy, and shoved my clothes into my bag every 10 days as I moved to the next apartment.
我参加了营养课程，每周接受一次家庭治疗，并在搬到隔壁公寓时每 10 天就把衣服塞进包里。
The second apartment had closed-door bathroom privileges, the third had a longer outdoor walk each day.
第二套公寓有闭门浴室的特权，第三套公寓每天有更长的户外散步时间。
It was progress.
这是进步。
We’d all voluntarily checked in, but we clung to shreds of control where we could.
我们都是自愿登记的，但我们尽可能地抓住了一些控制权。
One of my roommates did push-ups in the bathroom.
我的一位室友在浴室里做俯卧撑。
We lifted food packages surreptitiously to the light, trying to find an angle that allowed us to see the Sharpied-over nutrition facts.
我们偷偷地把食品包装拿到光亮处，试图找到一个角度，让我们看到被锐化的营养成分。
I circled the fountain on supervised walks, chatting with another girl who had also been a runner.
我在有人监督的情况下绕着喷泉散步，与另一个也是跑步者的女孩聊天。
A counselor always called us back, clocking the attempt at exercising.
辅导员总是给我们回电话，记录我们的锻炼尝试。
I still hesitated at the table, under-measured the butter for my mashed potatoes, filled the measuring cup with water and a splash of milk for opacity before turning to the counselor to check off my protein category.
我仍然在餐桌上犹豫，少量了土豆泥的黄油，在量杯中装满了水和一点牛奶以保持不透明，然后转向辅导员检查我的蛋白质类别。
I still nodded slightly when one of the girls, wearing compression socks for edema, gave a tiny head shake as I reached for the refried beans for my protein one night.
有一天晚上，当我伸手去拿豆泥来补充蛋白质时，其中一个穿着水肿袜的女孩微微摇头，我仍然微微点头。
I drifted my hand toward the black beans: lower calories and fat.
我把手伸向黑豆：热量和脂肪更低。
She nodded just perceptibly before going back to preparing her own meal.
她微微点头，然后继续准备自己的饭菜。
It was a tiring push-pull, releasing the hold of a psychiatric disorder.
这是一种令人疲惫的推拉，释放了精神障碍的束缚。
But other than the occasional miserable family therapy session or rapidly corrected eating disorder behaviors, the program was calm and quiet.
但除了偶尔令人痛苦的家庭治疗或迅速纠正饮食失调行为外，该计划平静而安静。
None of us had much energy, and the emotional toll of weight gain kept us low-key.
我们都没有太多精力，体重增加带来的情感损失让我们保持低调。
The days blended together, the passage of time marked by each meal or completing another 1,000-piece puzzle.
日子混在一起，时间的流逝以每顿饭或完成另一个 1,000 块拼图为标志。
The misery of restriction, the monstrous feeling of a binge, the desperation of a purge—they were all replaced by new emotions.
限制的痛苦、暴饮暴食的可怕感觉、净化的绝望——它们都被新的情绪所取代。
There was the minor frustration of a tangled, lumpy knitting project, the glee at placing the final jigsaw puzzle piece, the spark of pride during a joyful moment in group therapy.
有一个纠结的、凹凸不平的编织项目带来的轻微挫败感，有组装最后一块拼图时的喜悦，还有在团体治疗的快乐时刻中迸发出的自豪感。
Our Picks, Your Inbox
我们的精选，您的收件箱
Longreads seeks out the best stories on the web, so don’t miss a single one—get all our editors’ recommendations, delivered to you fresh daily.
Longreads 寻找网络上最好的故事，所以不要错过任何一篇 - 获取我们所有编辑的推荐，每天为您提供新鲜的内容。
I left Walden after four weeks, having regained enough weight to medically stabilize.
四个星期后，我体重恢复到足以稳定病情的程度，离开了瓦尔登湖。
I had a plan for outpatient counseling and dietitian checkups, and my own set of measuring cups so I could continue my restoration plan at home.
我有一个门诊咨询和营养师检查的计划，还有我自己的一套量杯，这样我就可以在家继续我的恢复计划。
I drove myself to my nutrition appointments between classes and horseback riding at the university stable, and I started running again, relishing the clear-headed energy and swell of muscle in my quads.
课间和在大学马厩骑马时，我自己开车去参加营养预约，然后我又开始跑步，享受着头脑清醒的能量和股四头肌的肌肉膨胀。
I slipped up here and there, but within two years of leaving Walden, I was declared recovered.
我时不时地摔倒，但在离开瓦尔登湖两年后，我被宣布康复。
There were no rampant eating-disordered behaviors and the number on the scale stayed within a reasonable range.
没有出现猖獗的饮食失调行为，体重秤上的数字也保持在合理范围内。
The coil of snakes lay dormant, and as far as I and my medical team were concerned, we’d eradicated them.
蛇盘处于休眠状态，就我和我的医疗团队而言，我们已经消灭了它们。
I was good for a time.
我有一段时间很好。
I moved out west after graduating, and I devoted my next decade to a newfound love of the outdoors.
毕业后我搬到了西部，我将接下来的十年奉献给了对户外活动的新热爱。
My social life revolved around activity: I was a strong climber, a capable mountain biker, and I backpacked at a punishing pace, covering hundreds of miles of mountainous terrain alone and unafraid.
我的社交生活围绕着活动展开：我是一名出色的登山者，一名能干的山地自行车手，我以惊人的速度背包旅行，独自一人毫不畏惧地穿越了数百英里的山区。
None of these elements would have been possible without a strong body, and because I was so fit, I effortlessly maintained that lean strength.
如果没有强壮的身体，这些要素都是不可能实现的，而且因为我非常健康，所以我毫不费力地保持着精益的力量。
There was no fear of food or body shame during those years.
那些年里，没有对食物的恐惧，也没有对身体的羞耻。
But the shadow was still somewhere in my brain, the coiled snakes stilled by my multi-sport fitness and high mileage in the mountains.
但阴影仍然在我大脑的某个地方，盘绕的蛇因我的多项运动健身和山里的高里程而静止。
Looking back, I see my eating disorder still showed up in sneaky ways.
回想起来，我发现我的饮食失调仍然以偷偷摸摸的方式表现出来。
I joked about how I didn’t enjoy cooking, fielded comments about the speed at which I ate, and attributed the fact that I cleaned the kitchen completely before eating to being tidy.
我开玩笑说我不喜欢做饭，对我吃饭的速度发表评论，并将我在吃饭前把厨房彻底打扫干净的事实归因于整洁。
In reality, I still associated food with guilt.
事实上，我仍然将食物与内疚联系在一起。
I ate fast to get it over with and remove any evidence I had made food.
我吃得很快，以结束这一切并消除我做食物的任何证据。
Additionally, my high level of activity meant I was constantly trading calories back and forth in my mind, a background abacus with the beads click-clacking back and forth.
此外，我的高强度活动意味着我不断地在脑海中来回交易卡路里，背景算盘，珠子来回咔哒作响。
If I thought my eating disorder would stay quiet forever, I was wrong.
如果我认为我的饮食失调症会永远消失，那我就错了。
A few years ago, the combination of a naturally slowing metabolism and pandemic-induced lifestyle change altered my body.
几年前，新陈代谢自然减慢和大流行引起的生活方式改变相结合改变了我的身体。
My pants stopped buttoning smoothly, my outline softened.
我的裤子纽扣不再顺利扣上，我的轮廓变得柔和。
I couldn’t tell you exactly what was different, but I knew something had changed.
我无法告诉你到底有什么不同，但我知道有些事情发生了变化。
At first I was confused.
起初我很困惑。
I opened a slew of tabs on my phone, scrolling through piles of unhelpful SEO clickbait.
我在手机上打开了大量标签，滚动浏览一堆无用的 SEO 点击诱饵。
Was seltzer making me bloated?
苏打水让我浮肿吗？
Was I biking too much and not running enough?
我骑自行车太多而跑步不够吗？
The dormant shadow, the coil of snakes in my brain woke up, stretched, shook themselves out.
休眠的影子，我脑中盘绕的蛇苏醒了，伸了个懒腰，抖了抖身子。
I started obsessing over my body in a way I hadn’t since college.
我开始以一种自大学以来从未有过的方式迷恋自己的身体。
I avoided mirrors, kept the lights off in the bathroom, and wrapped a towel around my body before stepping out of the shower.
我避开镜子，关掉浴室的灯，在走出淋浴间之前用毛巾裹住身体。
I went from wearing dresses, skirts, crop tops, and matching workout sets to baggy shirts and high-rise leggings with wide elastic waistbands.
我从穿连衣裙、裙子、短款上衣和配套的健身套装，变成了宽松的衬衫和带有宽松紧腰带的高腰紧身裤。
I stood slightly bent over and pushed my hands into my pockets to hold my clothes out from my body, walking down the street like a polyester circus tent.
我微微弯腰站着，双手插进口袋，将衣服从身上脱开，像涤纶马戏团帐篷一样沿着街道行走。
It didn’t help that the body positivity trends of the past several years seemed to have vanished in the blink of an algorithm, and suddenly I was being spoon-fed a steady stream of thin-is-in videos that sent me reeling back to the magazine covers of my college years.
过去几年的身体积极趋势似乎在算法的眨眼间就消失了，突然间，我被源源不断地灌输瘦身视频，让我回想起大学时代的杂志封面。
Body dysmorphia flared as fast and hot as my eating disorder had 15 years before.
身体畸形的发作速度和强度就像 15 年前我的饮食失调一样。
The all-consuming thoughts stretched back to my 19-year-old self, sobbing on the floor, vowing never to eat again after being cheated on.
我的思绪又回到了19岁时的自己，当时我趴在地板上抽泣，发誓在被欺骗后再也不会吃饭了。
Now, here I was in my mid-30s, my brain short-circuiting on a trip to Europe because there were too many store-window reflections, I’d packed the wrong clothes, and the restaurants made me feel full.
现在，我已经30多岁了，在一次去欧洲的旅行中，我的大脑短路了，因为商店橱窗里的倒影太多，我带错了衣服，而且餐馆让我感觉很饱。
I spent an hour-long bus ride deleting every photo of myself where my arms were visible, my thighs were touching, and the outline of my stomach showed through my shirt.
我花了一个小时的公交车时间删除了自己的每张照片，其中我的手臂清晰可见，我的大腿相互接触，我的腹部轮廓透过衬衫显现出来。
I pulled away from my boyfriend and stared at the floor in the claustrophobic elevators, the mirrored walls a reflective torment.
我离开男朋友，盯着幽闭恐怖的电梯里的地板，镜子般的墙壁反射着一种折磨。
Everywhere I looked, there I was.
我所到之处，我都在那里。
I broke down in my therapist’s office when I returned, gesturing at my body as I grasped for a pillow to hold over my stomach.
当我回来时，我在治疗师的办公室里崩溃了，一边指着自己的身体，一边抓起一个枕头来支撑我的胃。
“Look at me,” I sobbed, “what’s happening to my body?” My brain writhed, hot, like a rock had been pushed aside to release the pit of vipers.
“看看我，”我抽泣着，“我的身体怎么了？”我的大脑剧烈地翻滚，滚烫，就像一块石头被推到一边，释放出毒蛇的坑。
My therapist was quiet for a moment, letting my words echo in the small office.
我的治疗师安静了一会儿，让我的话在小办公室里回响。
She passed me a box of tissues.
她递给我一盒纸巾。
“I think what we’re looking at is body dysmorphia,” she said.
“我认为我们正在关注的是身体畸形，”她说。
I hiccuped and shook my head.
我打了个嗝，摇摇头。
“No,” I said, “I know what I look like.”
“不，”我说，“我知道我的样子。”
But I didn’t know what I looked like, I still don’t.
但我不知道自己长什么样子，现在仍然不知道。
Present tense.
现在时。
The unfortunate truth of eating disorders is that no matter how “recovered” you feel, act, and look, there are some elements that might never go away.
饮食失调的不幸事实是，无论你的感觉、行为和外表如何“恢复”，有些因素可能永远不会消失。
Body dysmorphia is the last thing to go, if it ever does.
身体畸形是最不可能消失的，如果有的话。
To be trapped in this mind is like revisiting the most potent mental and emotional elements of the eating disorder without the physical symptoms and behaviors.
陷入这种思维就像在没有身体症状和行为的情况下重新审视饮食失调中最有力的精神和情感因素。
And it’s all inward facing—I do not judge bodies of different shapes and sizes.
这都是面向内的——我不会评判不同形状和大小的身体。
This cruelty is solely reserved for me.
这种残忍只为我保留。
The internet sands down the edges of body dysmorphic disorder.
互联网磨平了身体变形障碍的边缘。
Except for the most severe cases (in which people might undergo cosmetic surgery), search results tell you that someone with body dysmorphia might avoid mirrors, or perhaps compare how they look to other people.
除了最严重的情况（人们可能会接受整容手术）外，搜索结果会告诉您，患有身体畸形的人可能会避免照镜子，或者可能会将自己的外貌与其他人进行比较。
It sounds like someone having a bad hair day.
听起来好像有人的头发很糟糕。
These surface-level explainers don’t reveal what it’s like to exist in that brain.
这些表面层面的解释并没有揭示大脑中存在的情况。
To be unable to concentrate because of your waistband rolled down, to have your day ruined by the wrong angle in the wrong mirror, to leave your partner alone on the couch because oops, you remembered that you have a body and that they might touch it.
因为你的腰带卷下来而无法集中注意力，因为镜子里的错误角度而毁了你的一天，把你的伴侣独自留在沙发上，因为哎呀，你记得你有一个身体，他们可能会触摸它。
As long as you are awake, you are aware.
只要你醒着，你就知道。
I understand how stunningly stupid it is to spend this much time thinking about the softness of my stomach or the width of my arms.
我明白花这么多时间思考我的胃的柔软度或手臂的宽度是多么愚蠢。
Throw a dart anywhere on a map and you’ll find someone having a worse day, week, month, or life than me.
在地图上的任何地方扔一个飞镖，你会发现有人过着比我更糟糕的一天、一周、一个月或生活。
But I cannot convince my disordered brain this battle is not worth fighting.
但我无法说服我混乱的大脑这场战斗不值得打。
As long as you are awake, you are aware.
只要你醒着，你就知道。
They weighed me at the doctor’s office in 2008 and declared me recovered, but in reality, eating disorder researchers cannot agree on how to define true recovery.
2008 年，他们在医生办公室给我称重，并宣布我康复了，但实际上，饮食失调研究人员无法就如何定义真正的康复达成一致。
It’s easy to measure “healthy” weight with simple metrics to determine medical stability.
通过简单的指标可以轻松测量“健康”体重，以确定医疗稳定性。
It’s somewhat harder—but still relatively straightforward—to determine whether the person is engaging in eating disorder behaviors.
确定一个人是否有饮食失调行为有点困难，但仍然相对简单。
Severe restriction?
严格限制？
Binging and purging?
暴饮暴食和净化？
Creating “meals” with foods that should not be combined?
用不应该混合的食物来制作“膳食”？
That’s all pretty obvious.
这一切都很明显。
But what about panic at the sight of mirrors, distress at the cling of clothing?
但是看到镜子时的恐慌、衣服粘连时的痛苦又如何呢？
Eating so fast you almost choke because you need to get it over with?
吃得太快你几乎要噎住，因为你需要把它吃完？
Spiraling because your sleeves felt tight?
因为你的袖子感觉很紧而螺旋式上升？
San Francisco-based psychotherapist Erika Bent is a certified eating disorder specialist supervisor.
旧金山心理治疗师埃里卡·本特 (Erika Bent) 是一位经过认证的饮食失调专家主管。
She studied anorexia as a researcher before transitioning to clinical and residential work.
在转入临床和住院工作之前，她作为研究员研究厌食症。
“The psychology that you’re describing is harder to measure,” Bent tells me as I describe limiting my access to mirrors and leaving the lights off lest I catch a glimpse of my reflection.
“你所描述的心理更难以衡量，”本特告诉我，因为我描述了限制我接触镜子并关灯以免我看到自己的倒影。
“Body image distress is one of the last things to be resolved in eating disorder recovery,” she says, adding that this is such a standard experience for people with a history of eating disorders that it even has a name: “normative discontent.”
“身体形象困扰是饮食失调康复过程中最后需要解决的问题之一，”她说，并补充说，对于有饮食失调史的人来说，这是一种标准的经历，甚至有一个名字：“规范不满”。
I feel better in that I’m not alone.
我感觉好多了，因为我并不孤单。
I feel worse in that this might be how my brain works forever.
我感觉更糟，因为这可能是我的大脑永远的运作方式。
One fall morning, I scan the address numbers above a sidewalk I’ve walked every week for years, following the blue dot on my phone screen to a door I’ve never noticed.
一个秋天的早晨，我扫描了多年来我每周都会走过的人行道上方的地址号码，沿着手机屏幕上的蓝点找到了一扇我从未注意到的门。
The Eating Disorder Center of Montana has two locations, and this one is right off the main road on a busy side street.
蒙大拿州饮食失调中心有两个地点，这个中心位于一条繁忙小街上的主干道旁。
I find myself anxiously rehearsing my introduction as I climb the stairs, even though I’ve already told Lauren Stille, the lead dietitian, that I’m here as a journalist.
我发现自己一边爬楼梯，一边焦急地排练自我介绍，尽管我已经告诉首席营养师劳伦·斯蒂尔，我是作为一名记者来到这里的。
There is a lot of literature but not a lot of consensus about long-term recovery, and I have many questions.
关于长期恢复有很多文献，但没有达成很多共识，我有很多疑问。
I’m so trapped in my head I’m secretly hoping she’s going to give me some good news: Body dysmorphia has a timeline, that I will soon wear the dozens of outfits in my closet and not the same (safe) pair of baggy sweatpants-and-sweatshirt combo.
我被困在自己的脑海里，暗自希望她能给我一些好消息：身体畸形有一个时间表，我很快就会穿衣柜里的几十件衣服，而不是同样的（安全的）宽松运动裤和运动衫组合。
That I can move on after eating a large meal and not dissolve into hysterics because I feel full.
我可以在吃完一顿大餐后继续前进，而不会因为感觉饱而陷入歇斯底里。
“Dysmorphia is a terrible, crippling thing,” Stille says.
“畸形是一件可怕的、令人瘫痪的事情，”斯蒂尔说。
She is relaxed in a leather chair while I’m hunched on the couch across from her, leaning forward to hide my stomach.
她放松地坐在皮椅上，而我则弓着背坐在她对面的沙发上，身体前倾以隐藏我的肚子。
I reiterate throughout the conversation that I’m only here for this essay, but she’s a therapist and an expert in the field of eating disorders.
我在整个谈话中重申，我来这里只是为了这篇文章，但她是一名治疗师和饮食失调领域的专家。
She knows.
她知道。
“We’re seeing [body dysmorphia] become more and more common,” she continues, telling me that it can escalate by how often the media draws attention to our bodies, insisting everything can be improved and modified.
“我们看到[身体畸形]变得越来越普遍，”她继续说道，并告诉我，媒体对我们身体的关注频率越高，这种情况就会升级，并坚称一切都可以改进和修改。
“You don’t like something about yourself?
“你有什么地方不喜欢自己吗？
You can fix it and that’s the ticket to happiness.” I circle back to my eating-disordered thoughts from 15 years ago.
你可以解决它，这就是通往幸福的门票。”我回想起 15 年前我饮食失调的想法。
If I just have a perfect restriction day, if I just reach this new number on the scale.
如果我有一个完美的限制日，如果我达到了体重秤上的这个新数字。
Then I’ll feel good.
然后我就会感觉很好。
She tells me what I already know: Recovery is complicated.
她告诉我我已经知道的事情：恢复是复杂的。
And these days, they’re trying to emphasize that there is no straightforward way to say I’m recovered.
如今，他们试图强调，没有直接的方法可以说我已经康复。
“It’s more that ‘my eating disorder is currently quieter,’” Stille says.
“更重要的是‘我的饮食失调症目前比较平静’，”斯蒂尔说。
“Your entire future is about continuing that work of recovery.”
“你的整个未来就是继续进行康复工作。”
“Oh god,” I say, tapping the recorder to check the time, but really to avoid eye contact.
“天哪，”我一边说，一边敲击录音机查看时间，但实际上是为了避免目光接触。
“That is grim.”
“这太糟糕了。”
There’s little data on the mental and emotional outcomes in long-term eating disorder recovery, especially past the 10-year mark.
关于长期饮食失调恢复过程中精神和情绪结果的数据很少，尤其是在 10 年之后。
One 22-year study describes a shift in the therapeutic approach.
一项为期 22 年的研究描述了治疗方法的转变。
Rather than treating for strict recovery guidelines, treatment should match a patient’s goals, which might not look like traditional recovery.
治疗不应按照严格的康复指南进行治疗，而应符合患者的目标，这可能看起来不像传统的康复。
This is a start, and helps encourage the idea that success doesn’t always operate on a binary.
这是一个开始，有助于鼓励这样一种观念：成功并不总是依赖于二元性。
If anything, this could help minimize treatment and counseling dropouts.
如果有的话，这可能有助于减少治疗和咨询的退出。
Additionally, the long-term studies that do exist mostly follow patients with the resources to be in treatment, or to get diagnosed in the first place.
此外，现有的长期研究大多跟踪有资源接受治疗或首先得到诊断的患者。
Everything from clinical therapy to inpatient treatment is expensive and exclusive.
从临床治疗到住院治疗，一切都是昂贵且独特的。
To even begin untangling the process requires understanding complex medical systems and insurance providers.
要开始理清这个过程，就需要了解复杂的医疗系统和保险提供商。
I had the privilege of my family’s health insurance, but people in less advantaged circumstances don’t have the same resources.
我有幸享有家人的健康保险，但处境不利的人却没有同样的资源。
Until my body dysmorphia spiked in the last two years, I rarely thought about my oddly fast eating habits or that I was subconsciously using exercise as a projection for feeling good about my body.
在我的身体畸形在过去两年激增之前，我很少想到我奇怪的快速饮食习惯，或者我下意识地利用锻炼作为对自己身体感觉良好的预测。
It’s pretty crushing to learn that this might be the way my brain works for the rest of my life.
当我得知这可能是我余生大脑的工作方式时，我感到非常沮丧。
It does, however, make me feel marginally better to learn that some elements might not have been within my control.
然而，当我得知有些因素可能不在我的控制范围内时，我确实感觉好一些了。
While the cultural fixation on thinness is an important and disturbingly prevalent factor in the development of eating disorders, only a minimal percentage of people are affected to the extent I was.
虽然对瘦身的文化迷恋是导致饮食失调的一个重要且令人不安的普遍因素，但只有极少数人受到像我这样的影响。
Given that so many people are exposed to the same cultural messaging, why aren’t more people affected to the same degree?
既然这么多人都接触到相同的文化信息，为什么没有更多的人受到同样程度的影响呢？
Genetics seem to play an increasingly large role, and research is starting to indicate that some people may have a latent vulnerability to eating disorders, similar to alcoholism.
遗传学似乎发挥着越来越大的作用，研究开始表明，有些人可能有潜在的饮食失调倾向，类似于酗酒。
These tendencies might never be “turned on” without the right combination of environmental factors, but that genetic potential—plus a high instance of comorbidity with anxiety—created the perfect petri dish for me.
如果没有正确的环境因素组合，这些倾向可能永远不会被“开启”，但遗传潜力——加上焦虑症的高发病率——为我创造了完美的培养皿。
My brain should be full of wonder and gratitude for my life: joy at finally keeping my houseplants alive, excitement as I plan next season’s travels, pride after finishing another rugged backcountry trip.
我的大脑应该对我的生活充满惊奇和感激：终于让我的室内植物存活下来的喜悦，我计划下一季旅行时的兴奋，完成另一次崎岖的偏远旅行后的自豪。
Instead, I plan trips around whether or not I’ll have to wear a bathing suit.
相反，我会根据是否需要穿泳衣来计划旅行。
I fling clothes onto the floor in a heap if they fit the wrong way.
如果衣服不合身，我就会把衣服堆成一堆扔到地板上。
I crumple to the ground because my stomach touches my overalls in a way it didn’t last summer.
我瘫倒在地，因为我的胃以去年夏天没有的方式接触了我的工作服。
I traveled to the desert this fall to help connect shuttles and food caches during a five-day backcountry trip.
今年秋天，我前往沙漠，在为期五天的偏远地区旅行中帮助连接班车和食品储藏室。
My partner and I led the group through sandstone arches, slot canyons, and desert oases most people will never see.
我和我的伙伴带领团队穿过砂岩拱门、狭缝峡谷和大多数人永远不会看到的沙漠绿洲。
I carried 60 pounds of supplies on my back and hiked alone into the canyon to set the cache, quads and glutes and back and shoulders moving fast over miles of cracked mud flats under a punishing sun.
我背着 60 磅的补给品，独自徒步进入峡谷，在烈日下，在数英里开裂的泥滩上快速移动我的缓存、股四头肌、臀部、背部和肩膀。
I was proud of my strong, capable, dust-caked body in the Southern Utah backcountry.
我为自己在犹他州南部偏远地区的强壮、能干、沾满灰尘的身体感到自豪。
I am tough on the trails where I’ve found my footing over the past decade.
我在过去十年中站稳脚跟的道路上表现得很坚强。
I’ve seen places on this planet I could have never imagined as I stared out the window of Walden Center that winter 15 years ago.
15 年前的那个冬天，当我凝视瓦尔登中心的窗外时，我看到了这个星球上我从未想象过的地方。
But the pride is conditional, and I can’t predict when the switch will flip.
但骄傲是有条件的，我无法预测开关何时会翻转。
Back in town I shed my reeking layers in a dingy Motel 6.
回到城里，我在昏暗的 6 号汽车旅馆里脱掉了身上的恶臭。
The flickering bulb cast a sickly fluorescent light on my stomach, thighs, and arms.
闪烁的灯泡在我的腹部、大腿和手臂上投射出令人恶心的荧光。
My body—which felt so powerful climbing out of the canyon just hours before—was reduced to a slab of pale, dimpled flesh, the before picture on a social media slideshow or 2006 diet-ad billboard.
几个小时前，我的身体爬出峡谷时感觉非常有力，现在却变成了一块苍白、有酒窝的肉，就像社交媒体幻灯片或 2006 年节食广告牌上的照片一样。
All I did was flick the light on, and my joy from the desert dissolved in the reality of being myself, chained to the dregs of a decades-long eating disorder.
我所做的只是打开灯，我从沙漠中获得的快乐消失在做我自己的现实中，被几十年来饮食失调的残渣所束缚。
Shame and disgust at my body turned to tears as the water ran gritty and brown down my filthy legs.
当水流下我肮脏的双腿时，我对身体的羞耻和厌恶变成了泪水。
I stare at the rust around the drain and think: Someone, please, get me out of my head.It feels painfully indulgent to have had an eating disorder, even more so to still be held captive by it.
我盯着下水道周围的铁锈，心想：有人，拜托，让我摆脱我的思绪。患有饮食失调的感觉是痛苦的放纵，更何况仍然被它所束缚。
To have had all the privilege and food in the world, yet spend untold hours thinking about the imperfections of a body that has tried so hard to be good for me.
拥有世界上所有的特权和食物，却花了无数的时间思考我的身体的不完美，而这个身体一直在努力对我有好处。
When I think about the elements that make up a life, will any of my accomplishments include skipping dessert?
当我思考构成生活的元素时，我的成就是否包括不吃甜点？
Do I get an award for having a salad instead of a burger?
我可以因为吃沙拉而不是汉堡而获得奖励吗？
I will never be remembered for the two years I had a thigh gap or that I dragged myself to the gym 100 days in a row.
我永远不会记得那两年我大腿有间隙，或者我连续100天拖着自己去健身房的经历。
Saying no to food didn’t make my problems go away, it replaced them with other problems—when I came through the other side, the original problems were still there.
对食物说“不”并没有让我的问题消失，而是用其他问题取而代之——当我走到另一边时，原来的问题仍然存在。
If I’d known what this would have looked like in the future, would I have tried harder at 19 to avoid it?
如果我知道将来会发生什么，我会在 19 岁时更加努力地避免它吗？
Would I even have been able to?
我能做到吗？
Today, more than 15 years after being declared recovered, I can tell you that sometimes there’s no tidy, closed loop with a psychiatric disorder.
今天，在被宣布康复 15 年多之后，我可以告诉你，有时精神疾病并不存在整齐、闭环的情况。
And that talking about it in the present tense can be the most realistic way to address it.
用现在时谈论它可能是解决这个问题的最现实的方式。
For now, my hope is that someday I can return from the desert or the mountains, turn on the bathroom light, glance at my body in the mirror, and just say thank you.
现在，我的希望是有一天我可以从沙漠或山区回来，打开浴室的灯，看看镜子里自己的身体，然后说声谢谢。
Maggie Slepian is a full-time writer based in Montana.
玛吉·斯莱皮安 (Maggie Slepian) 是蒙大拿州的一名全职作家。
Her work focuses on the intersection of outdoor culture, travel, and mental health, and has appeared in the New York Times, Outside, Lonely Planet, the Strategist, Barren Magazine, and elsewhere.
她的作品侧重于户外文化、旅行和心理健康的交叉点，并发表在《纽约时报》、《Outside》、《孤独星球》、《战略家》、《荒芜杂志》等杂志上。
If she’s not abroad or in the backcountry, she’s probably hanging out with her cat.
如果她不在国外或偏远地区，她可能正在和她的猫一起出去玩。
Editor: Krista StevensCopyeditor: Cheri Lucas RowlandsFact checker: Julie Schwietert Collazo
编辑：Krista Stevens 文案编辑：Cheri Lucas Rowlands 事实核查：Julie Schwietert Collazo