Beloved Bother
Some of the clothes are still around.
有些衣服还在。
In the archives of the Metropolitan Museum of Art, there are bright orange trousers, Technicolor ringer tees, and dress shoes stitched with rainbow flames; eBay searches yield a pink sequin dress and a Victorian-style nightgown that ties at the neck.
在大都会艺术博物馆的档案中，有亮橙色的裤子、特艺彩色的T恤和缝有彩虹火焰的正装鞋；在 eBay 上搜索，找到了一件粉色亮片连衣裙和一件系在脖子上的维多利亚风格睡衣。
Synthetic materials, ’70s polyester.
合成材料，70 年代聚酯纤维。
The clothes will outlive everyone.
这些衣服会比每个人都更耐用。
Then there are the drawings, the plans for things that did not or could not be made.
然后还有图纸，以及未完成或无法完成的事情的计划。
To be a clothes designer is to have 1,000 imaginary friends.
成为一名服装设计师就是拥有1000个想象中的朋友。
My great-uncle Ronald’s world was full of women with slicked boyish hair and ornate evening gowns; men with pompadours and cummerbunds over bare chests.
我叔祖父罗纳德的世界里充满了有着男孩般的光滑头发和华丽晚礼服的女人。留着蓬巴杜发型、袒胸露腹的男人。
In other boxes, in other rooms, the men wore no clothes at all, every ligament rendered by a steady hand in pen and ink.
在其他包厢里，在其他房间里，这些人根本不穿衣服，每一条韧带都是由一只坚定的手用笔和墨水描绘出来的。
When Ronald went into the hospital in the summer of 2010, he left all these designs behind in the shed he called his “studio.” Afterward, his brothers and sisters filed, shell-shocked, into the little room, trying not to disturb stacks of paper.
2010 年夏天，当罗纳德 (Ronald) 入院时，他把所有这些设计留在了他称之为“工作室”的棚子里。随后，他的兄弟姐妹们惊慌失措地鱼贯进入小房间，尽量不惊动成堆的文件。
There had once been nine of them.
他们曾经有九个人。
Ronald was seven in birth order and only the second to die, after Two was shot in 1972.
罗纳德（Ronald）出生顺序是七岁，是继 1972 年“二号”被枪杀后第二个死亡的人。
For weeks, the rest of the siblings lived among his cardboard boxes and garment bags.
几个星期以来，其他兄弟姐妹都住在他的纸箱和服装袋里。
Five took a block-print cotton kimono that hangs in my closet now, missing its belt.
五个人拿了一件版画棉质和服，现在挂在我的衣柜里，但腰带不见了。
Three’s son went to throw away the nudes.
三号的儿子去扔掉裸照。
Six’s daughter rescued them.
小六的女儿救了他们。
What the hell are you doing?
你到底在做什么？
It’s art!!
这是艺术！
Ronald left no children.
罗纳德没有留下孩子。
When the San Antonio Express-News published his obituary, they made a typo: “beloved brother” became “beloved bother.” The family retrieved their copies from the ends of dusty driveways, flipped to Deaths, and smiled.
当《圣安东尼奥快报》发表他的讣告时，他们犯了一个拼写错误：“亲爱的兄弟”变成了“亲爱的麻烦”。一家人从尘土飞扬的车道尽头取出了他们的副本，翻到《死亡》，微笑着。
Ronald was my mother’s uncle, a fashion designer who fled Texas for New York at 19.
罗纳德是我母亲的叔叔，一位时装设计师，19 岁时逃离德克萨斯州来到纽约。
I met him only once.
我只见过他一次。
In my memory, we are sitting on the front porch, the hairs standing up on my arms as the sun wanes.
在我的记忆中，我们坐在前廊上，夕阳西下，我手臂上的汗毛都竖了起来。
His head is bent over a piece of paper, sketching my 7-year-old face.
他的头低垂在一张纸上，勾画出我七岁的脸。
I remember squinting at the drawing through his fingers, glimpsing a girl who seemed older and prettier than me.
我记得透过他的手指眯着眼睛看那幅画，瞥见一个看起来比我年长、比我更漂亮的女孩。
When I brought this memory up to my mother a few months ago, she had no idea what I was talking about.
几个月前，当我向母亲提起这段记忆时，她不知道我在说什么。
We had so many people up during the summers, she said, but I believe you.
“夏天我们有很多人在睡觉，”她说，但我相信你。
Where do you think that picture is?
你认为那张照片在哪里？
The strands that connected me to my great-uncle were tenuous, but I clung to them as I became an adult: art, Manhattan, and blood.
连接我和叔祖父的纽带很脆弱，但当我成年后，我紧紧抓住它们：艺术、曼哈顿和血统。
The porch memory, which I knew was real, because I could still hear the drag of the pencil.
我知道门廊的记忆是真实的，因为我仍然能听到铅笔的拖拽声。
I lived where he lived, and I wanted what he had.
我住在他住的地方，我想要他拥有的东西。
All through my 20s, every other Wednesday, my mother called to ask: Had she done something to make me hate her, that I wanted to live so far away?
在我20多岁的整个过程中，每隔一个星期三，我母亲就会打电话来问：她是否做了什么让我讨厌她的事情，让我想住得那么远？
Every fourth Sunday my father would offer to send my résumé to a friend who ran an advertising agency, so at least I could have a job he understood.
每个第四个星期天，我父亲都会主动将我的简历寄给一位经营广告公司的朋友，这样至少我可以找到一份他理解的工作。
I had pictured a glamorous life, unavailable to me elsewhere, one that could justify any cultural or geographic distance.
我曾想象过一种在其他地方无法实现的迷人生活，一种可以证明任何文化或地理距离都是合理的生活。
Instead, I filed invoices in binders and unpacked boxes in the book storage room, which sometimes had a handwritten sign taped to the door that read Crying Area.
相反，我用活页夹归档发票，并在图书储藏室打开箱子，有时储藏室的门上贴着一个手写的标牌，上面写着“哭泣区”。
I did cry there, and also at the Whole Foods hot bar, and among the suits of armor at the Met.
我确实在那里哭过，也在全食超市的酒吧里哭过，在大都会博物馆的盔甲里也哭过。
I never wrote anything, and I was almost always alone.
我从来没有写过任何东西，而且我几乎总是一个人。
The strands that connected me to my great-uncle were tenuous, but I clung to them as I became an adult: art, Manhattan, and blood.
连接我和叔祖父的纽带很脆弱，但当我成年后，我紧紧抓住它们：艺术、曼哈顿和血统。
I started thinking that if Uncle Ronald were still here, we could go to lunch, a place with tablecloths that I couldn’t afford on a publishing salary.
我开始想，如果罗纳德叔叔还在这里，我们可以去吃午饭，那里的桌布是我靠出版业的工资买不起的。
Maybe he could tell me what to do, or at the very least, how to dress.
也许他可以告诉我该怎么做，或者至少，如何穿衣。
I pictured him the way he was when I was 7: gray ponytail, ruddy cheeks, thick glasses to correct our genetic burden of miserable eyesight.
我想象着他七岁时的样子：灰色的马尾辫、红润的脸颊、戴着厚厚的眼镜，以矫正我们遗传性的视力负担。
But I could never get much further than that in my imagination.
但我永远无法比我的想象更进一步。
Would he offer advice, or just listen and wince?
他会提供建议，还是只是倾听并皱眉？
What would he order?
他会点什么？
What stories would he tell?
他会讲什么故事？
I told my family that I wanted to write the story of his life.
我告诉家人我想写他一生的故事。
My real motivation was always the impossible lunch.
我真正的动力始终是不可能的午餐。
But people were getting old, memories were fading, boxes were rotting in storage.
但人们在变老，记忆在褪色，盒子在储藏室中腐烂。
Corroboration was already impossible.
证实已经不可能了。
Of the original nine siblings, only Three, Six, and Nine were still alive.
原来的九兄妹，只剩下三、六、九还活着。
If you want to talk to them, you should do it soon, just in case, said my mother, so I went.
“如果你想和他们说话，你应该尽快去做，以防万一，”我妈妈说，所以我就去了。
Everyone has a signature story from childhood, something that will always be repeated no matter how much time has passed, and that is generally the best place to start.
每个人的童年都有一个标志性的故事，无论过去多久，这些故事都会重复出现，这通常是最好的起点。
This is Ronald’s: At age 9, he attempted to achieve a plenary indulgence.
这是罗纳德的：9岁时，他试图获得全大赦。
A plenary indulgence is like a heavenly insurance policy: All your sins will be forgiven when you die.
全大赦就像天堂的保险单：当你死时，你所有的罪孽都会被宽恕。
Ronald decided his plenary indulgence method would be Converting A Pagan.
罗纳德决定他的大赦方法是“皈依异教徒”。
The pagan he chose was a neighborhood girl named Mary Rita, who was buxom and earthy and always wore pilling sweaters.
他选择的异教徒是邻居家的女孩玛丽·丽塔，她身材丰满，朴实无华，总是穿着起球的毛衣。
The plan was for his little sister Eight to lure Mary Rita into the family garage, and Ronald would appear atop a pyramid made of bags of rock salt.
计划是让他的妹妹八引诱玛丽·丽塔进入家庭车库，而罗纳德将出现在由岩盐袋制成的金字塔顶上。
He would be wearing robes and a veil.
他会穿着长袍和面纱。
Eight was supposed to drop to her knees and exclaim, “The Blessed Virgin!
八号应该跪下来喊道：“圣母！
She’s here!” And this would be the miracle.
她来了！”这将是奇迹。
Eight did as she was instructed.
八号按照她的指示做了。
But Mary Rita was confused.
但玛丽丽塔很困惑。
“Ronald!” she said, blinking up at him.
“罗纳德！”她眨着眼睛看着他说道。
“What the hell are you doing up there?”
“你到底在上面做什么？”
When Ronald would tell this story at Manhattan cocktail parties, someone would always ask why he didn’t ask Eight to play the Blessed Virgin.
当罗纳德在曼哈顿鸡尾酒会上讲述这个故事时，总会有人问他为什么不让八号扮演圣母。
“That’s easy,” Ronald would say, “I was prettier.”
“这很简单，”罗纳德会说，“我更漂亮。”
I asked Great-Aunt Six to start at the beginning, and she started with the conversion story.
我请六姨婆从头开始，她就从皈依的故事开始。
The call to adventure, she said, came from within and without.
她说，对冒险的召唤来自于内部和外部。
Without: As a student at Central Catholic High School, Ronald would hang out on the riverwalk and sketch costumes for the following year’s Fiesta Queen.
没有：作为中央天主教高中的学生，罗纳德会在河边闲逛，为第二年的嘉年华女王绘制服装草图。
Eventually, local brides began paying him for drawings of them in their wedding dresses.
最终，当地的新娘开始付钱给他画她们穿着婚纱的画。
Within: He already knew enough about the kind of life he wanted to live to know that he might need a plenary indulgence.
内心：他已经足够了解自己想要的生活，知道自己可能需要全然的放纵。
Without: Parsons accepted him and awarded him a scholarship.
没有：帕森斯接受了他并授予他奖学金。
When Ronald went to tell his best friend Philip, Philip grinned and pulled out his own acceptance letter.
当罗纳德去告诉他最好的朋友菲利普时，菲利普笑着拿出了自己的录取通知书。
“Neither one of them had told the other they were applying,” said Great-Aunt Six.
“他们谁都没有告诉对方他们正在申请，”六姨婆说。
We were in her living room, sitting on one of several floral couches, underneath a framed print of Sargent’s Daughters of Edward Boit, and flanked by several life-size plaster geese.
我们在她的客厅里，坐在几张花卉沙发中的一张上，下面是萨金特的爱德华·博伊特的女儿们的镶框印刷品，两侧是几只真人大小的石膏鹅。
“Isn’t that wonderful?
“这不是很棒吗？
Everyone was so proud.
每个人都非常自豪。
There’s a great photo of them at the train station, they’re in suits, with their coats over their arms, so dashing.
有一张他们在火车站的合影，非常帅气，西装革履，大衣披在手臂上，帅气十足。
Everyone was so proud.”
每个人都感到非常自豪。”
But people were getting old, memories were fading, boxes were rotting in storage.
但人们在变老，记忆在褪色，盒子在储藏室中腐烂。
Corroboration was already impossible.
证实已经不可能了。
Of the original nine siblings, only Three, Six, and Nine were still alive.
原来的九兄妹，只剩下三、六、九还活着。
Later, I repeated this to another relative.
后来我又向另一位亲戚重复了这句话。
“Oh, sure they were,” she said, “except, do you know who actually drove them to the train station?
“哦，当然是，”她说，“不过，你知道是谁开车送他们去火车站的吗？
My daddy.
我的爸爸。
The brothers did not like that he was going, that he wanted to do fashion design, and they flat refused to see them off.”
兄弟们不喜欢他要去，不喜欢他想做时装设计，所以他们拒绝送行。”
But where was the photo, the suits in front of the train?
但火车前的那张照片、那套西装在哪里呢？
No one could produce it.
没有人能够生产它。
I had practiced the hardball questions on my mother, whose feelings I could afford to ding.
我已经向母亲提出了尖锐的问题，我可以承受她的感受。
How did Grandma Five’s family feel about gay people?
五奶奶的家人对同性恋有何看法？
I asked her.
我问她。
“No idea, never talked about it,” said my mother.
“不知道，从来没有谈论过，”我母亲说。
Fine, how did they feel about David Bowie?
好吧，他们对大卫·鲍伊的感觉如何？
“You have to understand,” said my mother, “football weekends and school, that was my life.” David Bowie did not penetrate?
“你必须明白，”我母亲说，“足球周末和学校，那就是我的生活。”大卫·鲍伊没有渗透？
“I grew up a lot more cloistered than y’all, or stupid,” said my mother.
“我在成长过程中比你们所有人更加封闭，或者说愚蠢，”我的母亲说。
“Everyone back then was a little more—well, the word we used to use was redneck.
“当时的每个人都有点——好吧，我们过去用的词是乡巴佬。
You know what I mean?”
你知道我的意思吗？”
When I got to Great-Aunt Six’s house, though, she had set out a spread of crackers, cream cheese, and pepper jelly, and I decided I didn’t really have it in me.
然而，当我到达六姨婆家时，她已经摆好了饼干、奶油奶酪和胡椒果冻，我觉得我心里并没有这些东西。
My mom and her cousin tried to help me out.
我妈妈和她的表弟试图帮助我。
Now, he went to Parsons straight from high school, right?
现在，他从高中就直接去了帕森斯学院，对吗？
my mother asked.“Yes, right out of high school,” said Great-Aunt Six, and then: “But he went to community college first.” He lived with Philip?
“是的，高中刚毕业，”六姨婆说，然后：“但他先去了社区大学。”他和菲利普住在一起？
“He and Philip were just good friends,” Six insisted, “They never lived together.” No, but, as roommates?
“他和菲利普只是好朋友，”六号坚持说，“他们从未住在一起。”不，但是，作为室友？
“Oh,” said Six.
“哦，”小六说。
“Maybe as roommates.” I sat there with my thumbs poised over my phone’s screen, and a blank Note open.
“也许是室友。”我坐在那里，拇指放在手机屏幕上，打开了一张空白便笺。
The road of trials began: While his wealthy classmates flew to Rio for long weekends, Ronald spent all his free time in the Parsons studios, hand-stitching linings into jackets.
试验之路开始了：当他富有的同学飞往里约度过长周末时，罗纳德将所有的空闲时间都花在帕森斯工作室里，手工将衬里缝成夹克。
At some point, he bleached his dark hair Ken-doll blonde, which looked ridiculous.
在某个时候，他把自己的黑发漂白成了肯娃娃般的金发，这看起来很可笑。
He was perpetually running out of money and taking out little loans from the Bank of Siblings.
他的钱总是花光，只能从兄弟银行借出很少的贷款。
After graduating in 1966, he worked for the avant-garde furrier Jacques Kaplan.
1966年毕业后，他为前卫皮草商雅克·卡普兰（Jacques Kaplan）工作。
Kaplan was a visionary, credited with introducing fur to the counterculture, but by the time Ronald arrived, he was in existential crisis over the dwindling populations of exotic animals.
卡普兰是一位有远见的人，因将毛皮引入反主流文化而受到赞誉，但当罗纳德到达时，他因外来动物数量不断减少而陷入生存危机。
In 1968, Kaplan created a public relations nightmare when he designed a jacket made of alley cats, and retired from the fur business shortly afterward.
1968 年，卡普兰设计了一款由流浪猫制成的夹克，引发了一场公关噩梦，并在不久后从皮草行业退休。
What did Ronald think about all this?
罗纳德对这一切有何看法？
It was his very first job, and there he was, subduing jaguars and wildebeests with a needle and thread.
这是他的第一份工作，他就在那里，用针和线制服美洲虎和角马。
What else?
还有什么？
Six had the whole CV ready: He worked for Oscar de la Renta, who called him “Ronnie.” He worked for Geoffrey Beene.
六号已经准备好了完整的简历：他为奥斯卡·德拉伦塔工作，奥斯卡·德拉伦塔称他为“罗尼”。他为杰弗里·比尼工作。
He designed costumes for Twiggy, Barbra Streisand, Raquel Welch—what a bitch she was, he said.
他为崔姬、芭芭拉·史翠珊、拉蔻儿·韦尔奇设计服装——他说她真是个婊子。
“Did you ever go visit him?” I asked.
“你有去拜访过他吗？”我问。
“No, I never did,” said Six.
“不，我从来没有这样做过，”六号说。
“I always meant to.” She smiled.
“我一直想这么做。”她笑了。
“He used to send me fall leaves from Central Park in the mail.”
“他曾经从中央公园给我邮寄秋叶。”
My mother wanted me to remember that people didn’t travel back then, not the way they do now, and long-distance phone calls cost money, and postcards were only four inches by six.
我母亲希望我记住，人们旅行的方式不像现在，而且长途电话要花钱，明信片只有四英寸乘六英寸。
“Back then, New York would have seemed very far away,” she said.
“那时候，纽约似乎很遥远，”她说。
Right, I thought, back then.
是的，我当时想。
I met Ronald’s eyes across the imaginary lunch table, but he only shrugged.
我在想象中的午餐桌上与罗纳德的目光相遇，但他只是耸了耸肩。
I developed an image of Ronald as he was in the prime of his career, only a little older than I am now.
我对罗纳德的印象是，他正处于职业生涯的巅峰期，只比我现在大一点。
The image came from his appearance in a 1975 short film called Screentest.
该图像来自他在 1975 年拍摄的一部名为 Screentest 的短片中的形象。
In Ronald’s scene, he faces the camera, fit, compact, and very tanned, with a neat halo of curly dark hair.
在罗纳德的场景中，他面对镜头，身材匀称，身材紧凑，皮肤晒得黝黑，有一头整齐的深色卷发光环。
Unseen people dress and re-dress him in a parade of colorful silk shirts, then add several hats, then two wigs.
看不见的人给他穿上一身五颜六色的丝绸衬衫，然后戴上几顶帽子，然后戴上两顶假发。
The scene changes, and there he is in a shiny pink jumpsuit zipped halfway up his chest and sunglasses, dancing; and then there are four Ronalds, and his jumpsuit changes color to blue and orange and green, and then he disintegrates into four swirls of colored light.
场景一变，他穿着闪亮的粉色连身裤，拉链拉到胸前，戴着墨镜，跳舞；然后是四个罗纳德，他的连衣裤颜色变成了蓝色、橙色和绿色，然后他分解成四个彩色光漩涡。
“Oooh, psychedelic,” someone says in the background.
“哦，迷幻的，”有人在背景中说道。
“Let the ’70s come through now and again.”
“让 70 年代时不时地过去吧。”
Philip is also in the film; at the beginning of his section, he surfaces from a pool, wearing a blue Speedo, to appreciative murmurs from the audio track.
菲利普也在影片中。在这一部分的开头，他穿着蓝色 Speedo 泳衣从泳池中浮出水面，音轨中传来赞赏的低语声。
I paid $100 for a DVD of Screentest on eBay, and I guarded it jealously.
我在 eBay 上花了 100 美元买了一张 Screentest 的 DVD，并小心翼翼地保管着它。
I had the idea that I was the only one capable of appreciating it, this campy, horny little project put together by Ronald and his friends.
我觉得我是唯一一个能够欣赏它的人，这个由罗纳德和他的朋友们策划的做作的、饥渴的小项目。
Then I wondered if I wasn’t giving my family enough credit.
然后我想知道我是否没有给予家人足够的信任。
Still, I mentioned the film to no one; I didn’t want to find out.
尽管如此，我还是没有向任何人提及这部电影。我不想知道。
Much of Screentest appeared to have been filmed on Fire Island, where the fashion world spent summer weekends: barbecuing, cutting each other’s hair by the pool, cruising in the stretch of woods between the Pines and Cherry Grove known as the Meat Rack.
Screentest 的大部分内容似乎都是在火岛上拍摄的，那里是时尚界度过夏季周末的地方：烧烤、在泳池边剪头发、在松林和樱桃林之间被称为“肉架”的树林中巡游。
At night there were parties, always themed: Pink Parties, Red Parties, Star Wars Parties.
晚上有派对，主题总是：粉色派对、红色派对、星球大战派对。
In 2020, Women’s Wear Daily published a slideshow of photos from Fire Island’s disco-fueled heyday that included an image of Ronald from 1976, lounging against a wooden fence with the supermodel Bethann Hardison in his lap.
2020 年，《女装日报》发布了一张幻灯片，展示了火岛迪斯科鼎盛时期的照片，其中包括一张 1976 年罗纳德 (Ronald) 靠在木栅栏上的照片，超模贝森·哈迪森 (Bethann Hardison) 坐在他的腿上。
“When I look at the photographs of the men and the boys,” said Hardison in the attached article, “it’s so interesting, how beautiful they all were, really.”
“当我看到这些男人和男孩的照片时，”哈迪森在所附文章中说道，“这太有趣了，他们真的都很漂亮。”
“I don’t know anything about gays or bisexuals,” Great-Aunt Six said, almost to herself, in the middle of a story about something else.
“我对同性恋或双性恋一无所知，”六姨妈在讲其他事情时几乎是自言自语地说。
I looked up from my phone, startled.
我从手机上抬起头，吃了一惊。
“Maybe he was a bisexual.”
“也许他是双性恋。”
Behind her, my mother was rolling her eyes.
妈妈在她身后翻着白眼。
The October 1983 fashion show for Ronald’s clothing line ended with a model in an extravagantly pleated wedding dress, escorted by a navy cadet, while the stereo played the soundtrack to the 1982 movie An Officer and a Gentleman.
1983 年 10 月，罗纳德 (Ronald) 服装系列的时装秀以模特穿着奢华褶皱婚纱结束，模特在一名海军学员的陪同下结束，同时音响播放着 1982 年电影《军官与绅士》的配乐。
Six still had the dress; her daughter walked down the aisle in it later that year.
六人还保留着那件衣服；六人还保留着那件衣服。那年晚些时候，她的女儿穿着它走上了红毯。
“The line was extremely successful,” said Six.
“这条生产线非常成功，”六说。
“But his business partners scammed him.
“但他的商业伙伴欺骗了他。
He should have made a lot more money on it.”
他应该赚更多的钱。”
I recognized in Six, then, the sensitivity to persecution that often develops in elderly Southerners, a sensitivity that reflects their genetic predisposition to paranoia and magical thinking.
那么，我在《六》中认识到，南方老年人常常对迫害很敏感，这种敏感反映了他们偏执和神奇思维的遗传倾向。
When I came into the world, my grandma Five placed a jar of dirt from her backyard under my mother’s hospital bed so that I could be born “on Texas soil.” So, when Six talked about the ways Ronald had been fleeced out of millions, I found myself inclined to believe her.
当我来到这个世界上时，我的奶奶五把一罐来自她后院的泥土放在我母亲的病床下面，这样我就可以出生在“德克萨斯州的土地上”。因此，当六号谈到罗纳德如何从数百万人中被骗时，我发现自己倾向于相信她。
But maybe he was just bad with money.
但也许他只是不善于理财。
I am bad with money; it runs on that side.
我不擅长用钱；它在那边运行。
The Parsons course catalogs from 1983 onward list him as the instructor for Fashion Illustration II and Sportswear Design.
从 1983 年起，帕森斯学院的课程目录将他列为时装插画 II 和运动装设计的讲师。
He loved teaching, everybody says.
大家都说，他热爱教学。
He loved the students, he was inspired by them, it was his real passion.
他爱学生，他受到他们的启发，这是他真正的热情。
Of this last, I am dubious.
对于最后这一点，我持怀疑态度。
It is remarkable how many young creatives discover, around 40, that teaching was their calling all along.
值得注意的是，许多 40 岁左右的年轻创意人士发现，教学一直是他们的使命。
I offered my mother my theory: In Joseph Campbell’s Hero’s Journey, the turning point comes in a Supreme Ordeal.
我向母亲提出了我的理论：在约瑟夫·坎贝尔的英雄之旅中，转折点来自于一场至高无上的考验。
This is the final trial, from which the hero emerges transformed, and, battered and scarred, begins the long march home.
这是最后的考验，英雄在这次考验中脱胎换骨，满身伤痕，开始了回家的长征。
For Ronald, surely, this was the 1980s, and AIDS, an explosion in the middle of his life and work, 6,500 deaths by the end of 1986.
对于罗纳德来说，当然，这是 20 世纪 80 年代，艾滋病在他的生活和工作中爆发，到 1986 年底已有 6,500 人死亡。
“I’m not sure anyone will want to talk to you about that,” my mother said.
“我不确定是否有人愿意和你谈论这件事，”我母亲说。
It didn’t matter.
没关系。
I started seeing what he saw.
我开始看到他所看到的。
Three times a week, Ronald and I rode the 1 train down from the Upper West Side and climbed out at 14th Street, him on his way to teach, me on my way to learn.
罗纳德和我每周三次乘坐 1 号列车从上西区下来，在第 14 街下车，他在去教书的路上，我在去学习的路上。
We turned down the same streets.
我们拐进了同一条街道。
I saw dead people’s belongings out on stoops, boxes of records, Persian rugs.
我看到门廊上有死者的物品、唱片盒、波斯地毯。
I saw pink ACT-UP flyers pasted to telephone poles, and 30-year-old men who looked 80.
我看到电线杆上贴着粉红色的 ACT-UP 传单，还有看起来 80 岁的 30 岁男人。
In the windows of dry cleaners, garment racks teemed with plastic-wrapped funeral black.
干洗店的橱窗里，衣架上摆满了用塑料包裹的黑色葬礼。
We walked in silence, separated by six inches of sidewalk and 40 years.
我们默默地走着，相距六英寸的人行道，四十年的时光。
I snuck glances at his profile.
我偷偷看了他的个人资料。
Sometimes it flickered into faces I knew better (my grandmother, my mother, my sister; it was the nose), but returned, each time, to one impassive and unfamiliar.
有时它会闪现到我更熟悉的面孔上（我的祖母、我的母亲、我的妹妹；是鼻子），但每次又回到一张冷漠而陌生的面孔。
“How did this feel?” I wanted to ask.
“这感觉如何？”我想问。
But what a stupid question; what a waste of a séance.
但这是多么愚蠢的问题啊！降神会真是浪费啊。
“Did it ever cross your mind,” I said, my face hot against the phone, “and maybe you don’t remember, but when you were in your 20s, do you ever recall thinking, ‘gosh, I have a gay uncle in New York right now,’ that this was, you know, scary?” My mother was quiet for a long time.
“你有没有想过，”我的脸贴在电话上，脸发烫，“也许你不记得了，但当你 20 多岁的时候，你是否曾经想过，‘天哪，我现在在纽约有一个同性恋叔叔，’这很可怕，你知道吗？”妈妈沉默了很长一段时间。
“No,” she said finally, “I don’t remember that.” Silence again, then a sigh.
“不，”她最后说道，“我不记得了。”再次沉默，然后叹了口气。
“I must have thought about it,” she said.
“我一定已经考虑过了，”她说。
“I’m not trying to play myself up here, but I tend to—I tend to care.”
“我并不是想在这里表现自己，但我倾向于——我倾向于关心。”
She didn’t get it, I thought.
我想，她没明白。
I probably didn’t either; how could I?
我可能也没有；我怎么能？
“Life was surrounded by death,” wrote the activist Sarah Schulman in her oral history of ACT UP.
“生命被死亡包围，”活动家莎拉·舒尔曼 (Sarah Schulman) 在她的 ACT UP 口述历史中写道。
“There was the systematic loss of the friends who were your support network and the witnesses to your life, the deaths of whom became the end of context and memory.”
“作为你的支持网络和你生活见证人的朋友正在系统性地失去，他们的死亡成为了背景和记忆的终结。”
“No one understood what was happening at first, this so-called gay cancer that was tearing into the fashion industry,” recalled the fashion editor André Leon Talley in his memoir The Chiffon Trenches.
“一开始没有人明白发生了什么，这种所谓的同性恋癌症正在席卷时尚界，”时尚编辑安德烈·莱昂·塔利 (André Leon Talley) 在他的回忆录《雪纺风衣》中回忆道。
“Joe McDonald, a successful male model, was one of the first to die from AIDS.
“乔·麦克唐纳是一位成功的男模特，也是最早死于艾滋病的人之一。
Peter Lester, of Interview, died.
《Interview》的彼得·莱斯特去世了。
Fabrice Simon, a wonderful Haitian designer, died.
法布里斯·西蒙 (Fabrice Simon)，一位出色的海地设计师，去世了。
Designer Ronald Kolodzie.”
设计师罗纳德·科洛兹。”
We walked in silence, separated by six inches of sidewalk and 40 years.
我们默默地走着，相距六英寸的人行道，四十年的时光。
I remember reading those three words in bed, two apartments ago.
我记得两间公寓前，我在床上读过这三个字。
I still worked at Random House then.
那时我还在兰登书屋工作。
If I had been in the office, I thought at the time, I could go to the editor’s desk and demand they strike this from the reprint.
我当时想，如果我在办公室，我可以去编辑办公桌并要求他们从重印中删除此内容。
Talley had taken photos of Ronald on Fire Island in the ’70s; they had known each other, maybe even well.
塔利在 70 年代曾在火岛拍摄过罗纳德的照片；他们彼此认识，甚至可能很熟。
Wrong, wrong, wrong, I chided Talley in my mind.
错了，错了，错了，我在心里斥责塔利。
Your friend Ronald lived for another 20 years.
你的朋友罗纳德又活了 20 年。
Theories abound in my family about what prompted Ronald, in the twilight of the 1990s, to leave his home of 40 years and return to San Antonio.
关于是什么促使罗纳德在 20 世纪 90 年代末期离开他居住了 40 年的家并返回圣安东尼奥，我的家人有很多不同的说法。
My mother thinks he ran out of money: four decades of steak dinners, keeping up with friends who became famous while the bills went unpaid.
我母亲认为他已经没钱了：四十年的牛排大餐，与成名的朋友们保持联系，而账单却没有付清。
Great-Aunt Six said that he knew he was sick, that the illness that would kill him was beginning to unfurl in his blood, and he could feel it.
六姨妈说他知道自己病了，那种会杀死他的疾病已经开始在他的血液中蔓延，他能感觉到。
He had spent a month in Mount Sinai in 1992; Philip had called home to get permission for a spinal tap.
1992 年，他在西奈山待了一个月；菲利普打电话回家，请求进行脊椎穿刺。
“Tylenol poisoning,” said Six, Reye’s syndrome, very rare.
“泰诺中毒，”六说，雷氏综合症，非常罕见。
A what-the-fuck medical moment, that’ll do it.
一个他妈的医疗时刻，就可以了。
But I still think everyone is underestimating the Supreme Ordeal: the walks through downtown, the loss of the witnesses.
但我仍然认为每个人都低估了最高的考验：穿过市中心的步行，目击者的损失。
Whatever the reason, it has always been significant to me that Ronald returned to Texas near the end.
不管出于什么原因，罗纳德在年底回到德克萨斯州对我来说一直很重要。
Gee: Why would André Leon Talley think that Ronald died?
吉：为什么安德烈·莱昂·塔利会认为罗纳德死了？
Because he moved back to Texas.
因为他搬回了德克萨斯州。
Texas doesn’t just swallow people, it digests them; the slow sweetness of everything makes them soft and mushy.
德克萨斯不仅吞下人，而且消化人；一切的缓慢甜味使它们变得柔软而糊状。
Maybe Ronald felt differently.
也许罗纳德有不同的感觉。
It was a new millennium, and he was coming home.
那是一个新千年，他要回家了。
Was it comfort to him to see gangly boys in army fatigues and women wearing hoop earrings and Spurs T-shirts?
看到穿着军装的瘦长男孩和戴着耳环、穿着马刺 T 恤的女人，他会感到安慰吗？
Did he forget, while he was up North, that men down here really do chew toothpicks, and rest their hands on their belt buckles, and that some of them say “darlin’” and all of them say “ma’am”?
他是否忘记了，当他在北方时，这里的男人确实会嚼牙签，把手放在皮带扣上，他们中的一些人说“亲爱的”，而所有人都说“女士”？
After so much time away, did the mountain cedar make him sneeze?
走了这么久，山杉有让他打喷嚏吗？
A list of late-in-life projects: a mural of mariachis in the main dining room of the Rio Rio Cantina, decorations for a ’60s-themed fundraiser hosted by the San Antonio AIDS Foundation, costumes for the Fiesta Queen’s coronation, and costumes for Cornyation, its drag parody version.
晚年项目清单：Rio Rio Cantina 主餐厅的墨西哥流浪乐队壁画、圣安东尼奥艾滋病基金会主办的 60 年代主题筹款活动的装饰、嘉年华女王加冕礼的服装，以及模仿变装版本的 Cornyation 的服装。
Teaching, teaching, at St. Mary’s, the University of the Incarnate Word, the Southwest School of Art.
在圣玛丽大学、道成肉身大学、西南艺术学院教书、教书。
Maybe he did love it.
也许他确实喜欢它。
“It seemed to go quick,” my mother had said of Ronald’s illness, “but for all we know, it could have been years.” I couldn’t wrap my head around that.
“一切似乎过得很快，”我母亲谈到罗纳德的病时说道，“但据我们所知，可能已经持续了好几年了。”我无法理解这一点。
But, as I’m often reminded, I am a child of a different time.
但是，正如我经常被提醒的那样，我是一个不同时代的孩子。
Six had medical power of attorney.
六人拥有医疗授权书。
She had asked Ronald, during those first dire days, if he wanted to live.
在最初那些可怕的日子里，她问罗纳德是否还想活下去。
He told her, weakly, that he did.
他虚弱地告诉她，他做到了。
(My favorite quote from Angels in America: “Bless me anyway.
（我最喜欢《美国天使》中的一句话：“无论如何，请保佑我。
I want more life.”) The doctor pulled Six aside.
我想要更多的生命。”）医生把六号拉到一边。
If he was going to have even a whisper of a chance, they would have to break his chest cavity, pry the ribs open, and try to jumpstart the heart with their hands.
如果他有一丝机会，他们就必须打破他的胸腔，撬开肋骨，并尝试用手启动心脏。
It would be awful, and besides, it probably wouldn’t work.
这会很糟糕，而且可能行不通。
Six looked at Ronald, whose eyes were closed, and at the mauve walls of the room and the crucifix above the door.
六号看着闭着眼睛的罗纳德，看着房间的淡紫色墙壁和门上方的十字架。
It didn’t matter what he wanted, she realized then.
她意识到，他想要什么并不重要。
He wasn’t going to live.
他活不下去了。
Beloved bother.
亲爱的打扰了。
An accident, but a brilliant turn of phrase nonetheless.
虽然是一次意外，但措辞的巧妙转换。
My mother became defensive the longer we spoke.
我们说话的时间越长，我母亲就越有戒心。
“He was not snubbed, he was not,” she kept saying.
“他没有被冷落，他没有，”她不断地说。
“He was loved.” Those are not the only options, I wanted to say, but I didn’t.
“他被爱着。”我想说，这些不是唯一的选择，但我没有。
I had arrived at the end and felt mostly sadness.
我已经到达终点，感到非常悲伤。
“I think you should say something about the creative life,” my sister suggested.
“我认为你应该谈谈创意生活，”我姐姐建议道。
“What does it mean to live one, especially if there’s no big payout?
“生活意味着什么，尤其是在没有大笔支出的情况下？
There’s your tension.”
这就是你的紧张。”
Okay, here goes: A ceramicist I know described returning to her wheel after a break.
好吧，这里是：我认识的一位陶艺家描述了休息后回到她的轮子上的情况。
She said: “I thought to myself, oh, there you are!” That is how it feels to me, too.
她说：“我心想，哦，你来了！”我也有这种感觉。
“Do you know that feeling?” I would have asked Ronald across the lunch table.
“你知道那种感觉吗？”我会问午餐桌上的罗纳德。
I do, he’d say.
我愿意，他会说。
“How do I explain to them that it’s worth it?” I would ask.
“我该如何向他们解释这是值得的？”我会问。
Ronald would think, fold his napkin into the shape of a swan.
罗纳德会想，把他的餐巾折成天鹅的形状。
He swore like a sailor, my mother had said, every other word was the f-bomb.
我母亲说过，他像个水手一样咒骂，每说一个字都是脏话。
I imagine him looking at me through his big glasses, handing me the swan.
我想象他透过大眼镜看着我，把天鹅递给我。
“No idea,” he’d say, even in this dream, “I have no fucking clue.”
“不知道，”他会说，即使是在梦中，“我他妈的也不知道。”
A stranger came to Ronald’s funeral.
一位陌生人来到罗纳德的葬礼上。
She was young, maybe 20, and very nervous; when Six spotted her hovering in the vestibule, she had balled up the program she was holding in her fist.
她很年轻，大概20岁左右，而且非常紧张。当六号发现她在前厅徘徊时，她已经把手里握着的程序揉成一团。
“I’m sorry,” said the stranger, “I hope it’s okay that I’m here.” It turned out the girl was a student.
“抱歉，”陌生人说道，“希望我在这里一切顺利。”原来，这个女孩是一名学生。
She had loved Ronald, she said, he was a wonderful teacher, though, of course, she hadn’t known him very well.
她说，她很爱罗纳德，他是一位出色的老师，尽管她当然不太了解他。
Was it okay to be there, even though she hadn’t known him very well?
即使她不太了解他，去那里可以吗？
She had access to such a tiny part of the whole.
她只能接触到整体中如此微小的一部分。
It didn’t feel like enough to claim him.
感觉还不足以认领他。
When you think about it, isn’t that what mourning is—claiming, co-opting, demonstrating a connection to someone who cannot verify the strength of it?
当你想一想，这不就是哀悼吗——声称、拉拢、展示与一个无法验证其强度的人的联系？
What if the version of him she had loved was mostly imagined, composed of fleeting interactions, basic information, and hope?
如果她所爱的他的版本主要是想象的，由转瞬即逝的互动、基本信息和希望组成，该怎么办？
Weren’t we, all of us, unknowable, and some more than others due to poor recordkeeping?
难道我们所有人都是不可知的，而且由于记录保存不善，有些人比其他人更不可知吗？
Wasn’t it a sin, or at least bad manners, to take ghosts to lunch, to conjure versions of the dead to solve the problems of the living?
带鬼魂去吃午饭、召唤死者的版本来解决生者的问题，这难道不是一种罪恶，或者至少是一种不礼貌的行为吗？
Could it be that she was even, she wondered, fetishizing the lack of connection—turning an ordinary man into a mystery to be solved, a new outlet for her big artistic feelings?
她想知道，难道她甚至迷恋这种缺乏联系的感觉——把一个普通的男人变成了一个有待解开的谜团，成为她伟大的艺术情感的一个新的出口？
Six told her not to be ridiculous, and, taking her hand, dragged the girl through the heavy wooden doors into the church.
小六告诉她不要开玩笑，然后拉着她的手，拖着女孩穿过厚重的木门进入教堂。
Hannah Engler Harvey is a writer currently pursuing an M.A.
汉娜·恩格勒·哈维 (Hannah Engler Harvey) 是一名作家，目前正在攻读文学硕士学位。
in journalism at the Arthur L.
Arthur L. 新闻学博士
Carter Journalism Institute at New York University.
纽约大学卡特新闻学院。
She lives in Manhattan.
她住在曼哈顿。
Editor: Cheri Lucas RowlandsCopyeditor: Krista Stevens
编辑：Cheri Lucas Rowlands 文案编辑：Krista Stevens