I Am Cat Lady
Abyssinians are to tabbies as caviar is to salmon roe: the expensive version.
阿比西尼亚猫之于虎斑猫就像鱼子酱之于鲑鱼子：昂贵的版本。
I was determined to find an Abyssinian as I walked the floor of The Cotillion Ballroom in Wichita, Kansas, on what was also Super Bowl Sunday.
当天也是超级碗周日，当我走在堪萨斯州威奇托的 Cotillion 宴会厅时，我决心要找到一个阿比西尼亚人。
I wanted to get lost in row after row of cats and their adoring humans, their custom wire brushes and sequined carriers.
我想迷失在一排又一排的猫和它们崇拜的人类、它们定制的钢丝刷和亮片载体中。
The “Fancy” in “Cat Fancy” was subjective; admission cost $5 at the door, $3 for kids six to twelve.
《猫的幻想》中的“幻想”是主观的；入场费为 5 美元，6 至 12 岁的儿童为 3 美元。
The glitter was BeDazzled, not Swarovski.
闪光的是BeDazzled，而不是施华洛世奇。
But it was a beautiful shine nonetheless.
但这仍然是美丽的光芒。
Before Salamander, there was Whisky.
在火蜥蜴之前，就有了威士忌。
We kept the names of both our rescue cats, though we shortened Salamander to “Sal,” and I had a hard time learning to spell “Whisky” without adding an e before the y .
我们保留了两只救援猫的名字，尽管我们将 Salamander 缩写为“Sal”，而且我很难学会在 y 前面添加 e 的情况下拼写“Whisky”。
The foster couple had changed her name from “Whizzer,” which had all the wrong connotations.
这对寄养夫妇把她的名字从“Whizzer”改成了“Whizzer”，这个名字的含义完全错误。
Whisky seemed so much larger than in the Craigslist snapshot, Muppet-esque.
威士忌看起来比 Craigslist 快照中的大得多，像布偶一样。
She leaned into my inquiring gaze—first of many headbutts—and jumped down, to roam the back aisles of the warehouse where she was being fostered.
她靠在我询问的目光中——第一次用头撞击——然后跳下来，在她被寄养的仓库的后过道里漫步。
“Cat Lady” can be a pejorative, as an archetype of spinsterhood.
“猫女士”可以是一个贬义词，作为老处女的原型。
My marriage makes me ineligible for true “Cat Lady” status.
我的婚姻使我没有资格获得真正的“猫女士”身份。
But I like to remind my husband that he is a decade older and, given prevailing statistics around average American lifespan, I’ll probably end up his widow.
但我想提醒我的丈夫，他比他大了十岁，考虑到美国人平均寿命的流行统计数据，我可能最终会成为他的寡妇。
He should get a life insurance policy, I tell him.
我告诉他，他应该买一份人寿保险。
He does not appreciate this nudge.
他不喜欢这种推动。
Doris Lessing kept multiple cats in and around her London addresses.
多丽丝·莱辛 (Doris Lessing) 在她伦敦的住所及其周围养了多只猫。
They roamed, subject to street fights and eye infections and traffic accidents.
他们四处游荡，遭受巷战、眼部感染和交通事故的困扰。
Some got nothing more than signifiers such as “gray cat” and “black cat,” while others merited names such as Butchkin and El Magnifico.
有些只得到了诸如“灰猫”和“黑猫”之类的象征，而另一些则值得被称为“Butchkin”和“El Magnifico”。
When Whisky was dying, an indeterminate but aggressive wasting away, I sat on the floor beside her and read Lessing’s On Cats .
当威士忌濒临死亡时，一种不确定但积极的消瘦，我坐在她旁边的地板上，阅读莱辛的《论猫》。
I was comforted by the way her tone alternated between brusque practicality and tenderness.
她的语气在粗鲁的实际和温柔之间交替，这让我感到安慰。
Even given kibble, pâté, scritches, catnip mouse, dancing laser, and endless bowls of fresh water, a cat sulks when their favorite is missing.
即使给猫粗粮、肉酱、抓痕、猫薄荷老鼠、跳舞的激光和无尽的淡水碗，当猫失去了它们最喜欢的东西时，它也会生闷气。
During my month in Kansas, left behind in our DC apartment, Whisky stared dolefully at my husband and curled up on my pillow to sleep.
在堪萨斯州的一个月里，威士忌被留在我们华盛顿的公寓里，悲伤地盯着我的丈夫，然后蜷缩在我的枕头上睡觉。
Now, our cat Sal settles himself resolutely to wait for his favorite’s arrival home.
现在，我们的猫萨尔坚定地等待着他最爱的人回家。
The moment my husband steps from the elevator into the hallway, Sal begins to circle and paw at the door.
当我丈夫从电梯走进走廊时，萨尔开始转圈并用爪子抓门。
For a long time I didn’t know how to explain my lack of interest in having children.
很长一段时间我不知道如何解释我对生孩子缺乏兴趣。
Was this a self-preservation instinct, given an already fickle immune system and the known phenomenon of pregnancy making a system go haywire?
鉴于本已变化无常的免疫系统以及已知的怀孕现象会使系统失控，这是否是一种自我保护本能？
Was it so I could focus on writing instead?
是为了让我可以专注于写作吗？
So I could favor drinking and travel and sleeping in?
那么我可以喜欢喝酒、旅行和睡懒觉吗？
Was I reacting to my mother’s frustrations with parenting?
我是否对母亲在养育子女方面的挫败感做出了反应？
Was it weird that, the first time I heard my husband refer warily to a “fully articulated child”—a baby old enough to be somewhat engaging, but never so intriguing as for him to want one of his own—I was profoundly relieved at his disinterest?
当我第一次听到我的丈夫谨慎地提到“完全表达的孩子”时——一个足够大的婴儿，有点迷人，但从来没有那么有趣，以至于他想要一个自己的孩子——我对他的不感兴趣深感欣慰，这很奇怪吗？
Grief is a shell game.
悲伤是一场骗局。
The first time I tried to write about not having children, someone put forward the specter of the unbearable grief I would experience if I did not.
当我第一次尝试写关于不生孩子的文章时，有人提出了如果我不生孩子我会经历难以忍受的悲伤的幽灵。
They had told me I might change my mind.
他们告诉我我可能会改变主意。
Of course, I’ll feel grief , I wrote.
当然，我会感到悲伤，我写道。
Howling grief .
哀嚎嚎叫。
Who doesn’t howl over their lives unlived?
谁不会为自己未经历过的生活而嚎叫？
I can’t be glad I’ve stayed in DC without grieving the woman who would have moved to small-town Mississippi.
我很高兴自己留在了华盛顿，而不让那个本来会搬到密西西比州小镇的女人感到悲伤。
I can’t be grateful for Sal without knowing that, if Whisky had recovered, someone else would have gotten a rescue cat named Salamander.
我无法感激萨尔，因为我不知道，如果威士忌康复了，其他人就会得到一只名叫火蜥蜴的救援猫。
Helicopter Kitty Studios was where Lloyd Wayne Jenkins recorded and mixed Cat Songs , which the cover tells us contains “57 Minutes of silly to serious feline-related songs, including one instrumental.” My 1991 cassette is in mint condition.
Helicopter Kitty Studios 是劳埃德·韦恩·詹金斯 (Lloyd Wayne Jenkins) 录制和混音《猫之歌》的地方，封面告诉我们其中包含“57 分钟的愚蠢到严肃的猫科动物相关歌曲，其中包括一首器乐”。我的 1991 年磁带完好无损。
I hesitate to risk popping it into the perils of my husband’s old tape deck, where the tape might tangle and tear, and try instead to fetch tunes from memory.
我犹豫是否要冒险将它放入我丈夫的旧磁带盒中，磁带可能会缠结和撕裂，而是尝试从记忆中提取曲调。
The track titled “907 Whitehead Street” marks the address for Ernest Hemingway’s house in Key West, Florida, famously populated by polydactyl cats.
标题为“907 Whitehead Street”的歌曲标记了欧内斯特·海明威位于佛罗里达州基韦斯特的家的地址，这里以多趾猫而闻名。
“I Talk To My Kitty” stirs faint recall of a syncopated, thirty-year-old melody.
《I Talk To My Kitty》唤起了人们对三十年前切分音旋律的隐约回忆。
Drums?
鼓？
Zither?
筝？
There’s a guest vocal for “Oh, No!” credited to Linda Marie Jenkins, Lloyd’s sister, and a guest vocal for “Without a Kitty-Beast” credited to Laura Jenkins, their mother, who lived next door on Tenth Road.
有一个客串声音“哦，不！”劳埃德的妹妹琳达·玛丽·詹金斯 (Linda Marie Jenkins) 是这首歌的功劳，《Without a Kitty-Beast》的客串演唱则归功于他们的母亲劳拉·詹金斯 (Laura Jenkins)，她住在第十路的隔壁。
Saida “Laura” Rice Jenkins is my original Cat Lady.
赛达·“劳拉”·赖斯·詹金斯是我最初的猫女士。
I would not exist without Laura, who introduced my mother—who worked as her assistant, teaching art at Chesterbrook Elementary School—to my father, divorced son of her friend Peggy.
如果没有劳拉，我就不会存在，她把我的母亲（她是她的助理，在切斯特布鲁克小学教艺术）介绍给我的父亲，她的朋友佩吉的离异儿子。
By the time I was born, my parents were living in Peggy’s old house, which made us next-door neighbors.
当我出生时，我的父母住在佩吉的老房子里，这使我们成为隔壁邻居。
You cannot ask for a better neighbor than a woman who possesses construction blocks, a trampoline, an oversized xylophone with rubber mallets, and a cat.
你找不到比拥有积木、蹦床、带橡胶槌的超大木琴和一只猫的女人更好的邻居了。
Jeans and cowboy boots.
牛仔裤和牛仔靴。
Embroidered jackets and statement jewelry.
刺绣夹克和个性珠宝。
Jewel-toned sweatshirt with faux-cross-stitch design, white peter-pan collar.
宝石色调运动衫，人造十字绣设计，白色彼得潘领。
The dress code for the 2018 Wichita Cat Fancy Cat Show was whatever-makes-you-feel-good.
2018 年威奇托猫花式猫展的着装要求是让您感觉良好的任何服装。
One man wore his cinnamon-and-white Sphynx draped across the back of his broad shoulders.
一名男子宽阔的肩膀上披着肉桂色和白色的狮身人面像。
His back pocket offered a fireworks display of play-rods, dangling with feathers and faux fur and ribbons.
他的后口袋里摆满了游乐棒，上面悬挂着羽毛、人造毛皮和丝带，就像烟花一样。
The cats wore their coats with aplomb: Selkirk Rexes in curls, Persians disappearing within their carefully groomed mop-tops.
这些猫泰然自若地穿着它们的外套：塞尔柯克霸王龙卷着卷发，波斯猫消失在精心修饰的拖把顶里。
Kitsch is associated with the garish and sentimental, and I’m picky when it comes to cat kitsch.
媚俗与花哨和感伤联系在一起，而我对猫的媚俗很挑剔。
Felix-the-Cat clock?
菲利克斯猫时钟？
Yes.
是的。
Lucky waving cat by register of a Chinese restaurant?
中餐馆收银台上的招财猫？
Maybe.
或许。
Blofeld’s cat?
布洛菲尔德的猫？
No. Meme of a cat’s face poking through a piece of bread?
不。猫的脸从一片面包中探出的模因？
Probably.
大概。
On my fifth Sal phone-photo of the day, I text my husband a caption, “bucket of fluff.” Also acceptable: “kitteh,” “kits,” or “buddy-boy.” I draw the line at using a cat’s picture in my social-media profiles, or the rhetoric of “fur- babies.” When friends began having kids, I felt as though their children became proxy identities.
在我今天用萨尔手机拍的第五张照片上，我给丈夫发了一条文字说明：“一桶绒毛”。也可以接受：“kitteh”、“kits”或“buddy-boy”。我拒绝在社交媒体个人资料中使用猫的照片或“毛宝宝”的言论。当朋友开始生孩子时，我觉得他们的孩子似乎成为了代理身份。
Photos of babies literally replaced their Facebook faces.
婴儿的照片实际上取代了他们的 Facebook 面孔。
Laura was the only woman I saw, as a child, whose life seemed curiously and wonderfully dissociated from children.
劳拉是我小时候见过的唯一一个女人，她的生活似乎与孩子奇妙而奇妙地分离。
She had retired from her teaching job at the elementary school.
她已经从小学的教师工作中退休了。
I vaguely understood that she had kids, but they were no longer children.
我隐约明白她有孩子，但他们不再是孩子了。
They were grown-ups who did amazing things such as recording albums full of cat songs.
他们是成年人，做了一些令人惊奇的事情，比如录制充满猫歌的专辑。
My mother, when I asked her if she had thoughts on whether I should have children, said, “Well.
当我问我母亲是否考虑过我是否应该生孩子时，她说：“好吧。
There’s a lot of different ways to be happy.”
获得快乐的方式有很多种。”
New Orleans was where Laura lived later in life, except for the months when Hurricane Katrina had displaced her.
新奥尔良是劳拉晚年生活的地方，除了卡特里娜飓风使她流离失所的那几个月。
Every Christmas, she’d send goofy, inexpensive gifts.
每年圣诞节，她都会送一些愚蠢又便宜的礼物。
Whatever we sent in return—tea towels, magnets, sweatshirts—had a cat on it.
无论我们寄回什么——茶巾、磁铁、运动衫——上面都有一只猫。
Although my sister and I were ten years apart, it could often be hard to tell which one of us was the intended recipient of a gift from Laura, except for the year of a velvet bag with a gaudy, faux-diamond ring.
尽管我和姐姐相差十岁，但通常很难判断我们中的哪一个是劳拉送的礼物的预期接受者，除了那一年收到的带有华丽人造钻石戒指的天鹅绒包。
The “engagement” bauble was for me, but why?
“订婚”小玩意是给我的，但为什么呢？
She’d sent me a “she’s taken” ring for wearing to the bar, imagining nights when the only company that I wanted was a martini and my book.
她送给我一枚“她喜欢”的戒指，让我戴着去酒吧，想象那些夜晚，我唯一想要的陪伴就是一杯马提尼和我的书。
Over time, every partnership I chose dug the road deeper away from motherhood.
随着时间的推移，我选择的每一次伙伴关系都让我远离母性。
The high-school love who didn’t want children.
高中时的爱情谁不想要孩子。
The college love who didn’t want children.
不想要孩子的大学爱情。
The Mississippi love who’d had a child, long ago, and didn’t want another one.
这位密西西比州的爱人很久以前就已经有了一个孩子，并且不想再要一个孩子。
The Mississippi fling who swore he wasn’t fit to be a father (then had two kids with the next woman he dated).
密西西比州的风流韵事，他发誓自己不适合当父亲（然后和他约会的下一个女人生了两个孩子）。
When I met the man who would become my husband, what worried me most was the pair of cats he’d had earlier in life, and his memory that they’d scratched his vinyl records.
当我遇到那个将成为我丈夫的男人时，最让我担心的是他早年养过的那对猫，以及他关于它们刮坏了他的黑胶唱片的记忆。
Kids?
孩子们？
Eh.
呃。
But having cats was nonnegotiable.
但养猫是没有商量余地的。
“Prince” was what I wanted to name the kitten that my grandparents brought me from West Virginia when I was a child.
“王子”是我小时候给祖父母从西弗吉尼亚州给我带来的小猫的名字。
They’d plucked a tabby from my cousins’ farm without asking my parents’ permission beforehand.
他们在没有事先征得我父母同意的情况下，从我表兄弟的农场里摘了一只虎斑猫。
But my mother vetoed “Prince,” and I never came up with another option.
但我母亲否决了“王子”，我再也没有想出其他选择。
“Kitty” stuck.
“基蒂”卡住了。
There’s a yawning gap, generational, between those who think of pets as family and those who think of household pets as animals you treat humanely (but for whom you don’t go overboard).
那些将宠物视为家人的人和那些将家庭宠物视为你人道对待的动物（但你不会过度对待它们）之间存在着巨大的代际差距。
My mother is of the latter generation.
我的母亲属于后一代。
She scooped the litter box and sluiced clean the sludgy hermit crab cages.
她舀起垃圾箱，用清水冲洗干净沾满泥浆的寄居蟹笼子。
But when a mass guppy extinction event happened right before a birthday party, she’d hit her limit.
但当一场孔雀鱼大规模灭绝事件发生在生日聚会前时，她已经达到了极限。
She threw a sheet over the whole ten-gallon tank where it stayed, a rotting graveyard of fish, for weeks untouched.
她把一块布盖在整个十加仑的水箱上，它就像一个腐烂的鱼墓地，几个星期都没有动过。
Quest of a child obsessed with the book Stone Fox : I was determined to be Little Willy, John Reynolds Gardiner’s protagonist, and win the sled-dog race.
一个沉迷于《石狐》这本书的孩子的追求：我决心成为约翰·雷诺兹·加德纳的主角小威利，并赢得狗拉雪橇比赛。
I did not have a sled dog.
我没有雪橇犬。
I decided to teach Kitty basic Iditarod commands.
我决定教 Kitty 基本的 Iditarod 命令。
I ran circles made around our basement, leash in hand, all the while shouting “Mush!” at a confused cat.
我手里拿着皮带，绕着我们的地下室跑了一圈，同时大喊“Mush！”一只困惑的猫。
Regret of a child obsessed with the soap opera All My Children : I laid out Pounce treats, dangled the pole-ribbon, then stepped out to reenter as my Evil Twin.
一个沉迷于肥皂剧《我的孩子们》的孩子的遗憾：我拿出了“猛扑”零食，悬挂着杆子丝带，然后走出去，以我的邪恶双胞胎的身份重新进入。
I expected Kitty to discern between us twins, and react accordingly, until I dropped my anger and collapsed into smothering coos and pets.
我本以为凯蒂能够辨别我们双胞胎，并做出相应的反应，直到我放下愤怒，倒在令人窒息的咕咕声和宠物中。
I was always relieved to become the Good Twin again.
再次成为好双胞胎我总是感到欣慰。
Some psychologists might theorize that this “Twin” game, besides being a horribly reductive understanding of twins, was about exploring the way that taking care can trigger, in me, both fierce love and utter resentment.
一些心理学家可能会推测，这个“双胞胎”游戏除了是对双胞胎的一种可怕的简化理解之外，还在于探索照顾如何在我身上引发强烈的爱和彻底的怨恨。
Because I never saw models for how to integrate the two, I polarized them instead.
因为我从未见过如何整合两者的模型，所以我对它们进行了两极分化。
To be honest, I’m rarely excited to be around babies.
老实说，我很少对和婴儿在一起感到兴奋。
They’re fine.
他们很好。
They are charming, smiley, smelly milk-bombs, though, and I’m allergic to milk.
不过，它们是迷人的、笑脸的、臭味十足的牛奶炸弹，而我对牛奶过敏。
My superpower is bouncing a bawling baby on my knee and blithely continuing the conversation as if nothing is happening.
我的超能力就是把一个哭闹的婴儿抱在膝盖上，然后愉快地继续谈话，好像什么也没发生一样。
Union Vet was where we took Whisky when she first refused to eat.
当她第一次拒绝吃饭时，我们就在联合兽医那里喝了威士忌。
They charged us for diagnostic tests that revealed little and urged regular doses of subcutaneous fluids.
他们向我们收取诊断测试的费用，但诊断结果很少，并敦促我们定期注射皮下液体。
When a vet used the same injection site the third week in a row, a chunk of fragile skin and cat hair came off in his hand.
当兽医连续第三周使用同一个注射部位时，他手中的一大块脆弱的皮肤和猫毛脱落了。
He tossed it in the trash, assured me it was nothing, and ushered us out.
他把它扔进垃圾桶，向我保证这没什么，然后把我们带了出去。
By the next morning, there was a gaping wound at the base of Whisky’s tail.
到了第二天早上，威士忌尾巴根部出现了一个裂开的伤口。
I bullied the manager into giving us a refund but the damage was done.
我胁迫经理给我们退款，但损害已经造成了。
Her skin was too weak to hold stitches or glue, and it would take weeks to knit back together.
她的皮肤太脆弱，无法缝合或胶水，需要数周时间才能重新缝合在一起。
I didn’t know how to fix her.
我不知道如何修复她。
Virginia is where I grew up and where we drive an hour each way, with Sal, to the Marshall Veterinary Clinic.
弗吉尼亚是我长大的地方，我们和萨尔一起开车一个小时，前往马歇尔兽医诊所。
One of the techs is my cousin Kathy.
其中一名技术人员是我的表弟凯西。
Before we brought them Sal, they took care of Whisky, who was deemed a “sassy cat.” They took care to clip the claws on her extra toes and kept her comfortably circling the drain, while we tried every variety of food that I could have in the house, given my allergies.
在我们带萨尔给他们之前，他们照顾了威士忌，它被认为是一只“时髦的猫”。他们小心翼翼地夹住她多余脚趾上的爪子，让她舒适地绕着下水道转圈，同时考虑到我过敏，我们尝试了家里能吃的各种食物。
There’s a special hell to being told that bits of cheese will help your cat and having to say, “I can’t risk having that in the house.” I went shopping.
当你被告知吃点奶酪会对你的猫有帮助时，却不得不说：“我不能冒险把它放在家里。”这是一种特别的地狱。我去购物了。
I couldn’t buy beef, or shrimp, but I was ready to try every tuna and chicken and salmon combination.
我买不到牛肉或虾，但我准备尝试每一种金枪鱼、鸡肉和鲑鱼的组合。
Could venison do the trick?
鹿肉能起到这个作用吗？
Duck?
鸭子？
Sure, maybe.
当然，也许吧。
I went shopping again.
我又去购物了。
Then, and now, the Marshall Vet practice maintains a bright, chittering cage of parakeets in the waiting room.
无论过去还是现在，马歇尔兽医诊所在候诊室里都保留着一个明亮、叽叽喳喳的鹦鹉笼。
When Whisky died, a friend said that every time he’d ever had an animal, he’d gotten “better” at having an animal.
威士忌去世后，一位朋友说，每当他养过一只动物时，他就会“更好”地养动物。
Meaning, more confident in managing their lives and deaths.
意思是，对管理自己的生死更有信心。
I thought, that is a powerful thing .
我想，这是一件很强大的事情。
I also thought, that would not be okay to quote as one’s approach to having children .
我还想，引用这作为生孩子的方法是不合适的。
Xylophones and trampolines: Laura had a house full of havoc-inclined objects that would never be welcome in our house next door.
木琴和蹦床：劳拉的房子里装满了容易造成破坏的物品，而我们隔壁的房子永远不会欢迎这些物品。
I remember going out to her side porch and breaking open geodes with a hammer.
我记得走到她的侧门廊，用锤子敲开了晶洞。
Did that really happen?
这真的发生了吗？
I don’t know, but I remember the snap of goggles around my head, how they bunched up my bangs.
我不知道，但我记得护目镜在我头上的声音，它们如何把我的刘海卷起来。
A life without children could be a rough-hewn egg with jagged, glittery crystal insides.
没有孩子的生活就像一颗粗糙的鸡蛋，里面有锯齿状的、闪闪发光的水晶。
You tell yourself where you’ll draw the line on the cost of an animal’s medical treatment.
你告诉自己，你将在动物的医疗费用上划定界限。
Then a voice on the phone tells you that unless they thread a catheter to clear the blockage, his bladder will burst.
然后电话里的一个声音告诉你，除非他们插入导管来清除堵塞物，否则他的膀胱就会破裂。
That’s how Sal went from a $100 rescue to a $3,000 cat.
就这样，萨尔从一只 100 美元的救助者变成了一只价值 3,000 美元的猫。
Zoom , eight months into the pandemic, and the young writer on my computer screen asked: “Where is Sal?
Zoom，疫情爆发八个月后，我电脑屏幕上的年轻作家问道：“萨尔在哪里？
Can we see Sal?” He was curled up at my feet.
我们可以见见萨尔吗？”他蜷缩在我脚边。
The first time I got a hint that a pandemic was emerging was at Meows Corner in Sterling, Virginia.
我第一次得到大流行病正在出现的暗示是在弗吉尼亚州斯特林的喵角角。
We hadn’t found Sal yet.
我们还没有找到萨尔。
I was asking after a tuxedo cat, Agate (who, in my head, I had already renamed “Agatha”).
我问的是一只燕尾服猫，玛瑙（在我的脑海里，我已经将它重新命名为“阿加莎”）。
Where had she gone?
她去哪儿了？
Adopted?
被领养了？
No, I was told, she had a mild cat-flu that was making the rounds.
不，有人告诉我，她患有轻微的猫流感，正在流行。
“At least it is not the coronavirus,” the front desk attendant joked.
“至少不是新冠病毒。”前台服务员开玩笑说。
I smiled and nodded.
我微笑着点点头。
What was “coronavirus”?
什么是“冠状病毒”？
Zoom , eighteen months into the pandemic, and the young writer on my computer screen asked, “Where is Sal?
Zoom，疫情爆发十八个月后，我电脑屏幕上的年轻作家问道：“萨尔在哪里？
Can we see Sal?” Sal was gnawing on a cactus.
我们可以见见萨尔吗？”萨尔正在啃一棵仙人掌。
You tell yourself where you’ll draw the line on the cost of an animal’s medical treatment.
你告诉自己，你将在动物的医疗费用上划定界限。
Then your doctor at Marshall Veterinary Clinic tells you that a surgery that will head off further blockages, and it is time to insist on that surgery.
然后，马歇尔兽医诊所的医生告诉您，进行手术可以避免进一步的堵塞，是时候坚持进行该手术了。
That’s how Sal became a $9,000 cat.
就这样，萨尔变成了一只价值 9,000 美元的猫。
I avoid telling my mother just how high the bills have gotten.
我避免告诉妈妈账单有多高。
Xanthippe was Laura’s cat.
赞西普是劳拉的猫。
I could say “first cat,” but that’s only true on the scale of my life, not Laura’s.
我可以说“第一只猫”，但这仅适用于我的生活，而不是劳拉的生活。
“Best cat” might be true.
“最好的猫”可能是真的。
Her son Lloyd’s Cat Songs is dedicated to Xanthippe, which he wrote as “Xantippi.” The name is ancient and Athenian, the name of the wife of Socrates.
她的儿子劳埃德的《猫之歌》献给了 Xanthippe，他将其写为“Xantippi”。这个名字很古老，是雅典人的名字，是苏格拉底妻子的名字。
When my parents were confronted with the gift of a cat, they didn’t have the heart to tell their incredibly allergic daughter that she couldn’t have a pet.
当我的父母收到一只猫的礼物时，他们不忍心告诉他们极度过敏的女儿她不能养宠物。
Kitty could stay.
基蒂可以留下来。
The plan was that the cat’s domain would be downstairs, where we had bad shag carpeting,
计划是猫的领地在楼下，我们那里的长毛地毯很糟糕，
Upstairs , where leather sofas and Persian rugs needed to be kept clear of Kitty’s claws.
楼上的皮沙发和波斯地毯需要远离凯蒂的爪子。
The problem was that when my father returned from a prolonged army deployment, in a sandy part of the world, he had stripped sinuses and a vicious sensitivity to dander.
问题是，当我父亲从世界上一个沙质地区长期服役归来时，他的鼻窦已经脱落，而且对皮屑极度敏感。
Even ten minutes in the same room as a cat set off a sneezing fit for my dad.
即使和一只猫在同一个房间待了十分钟，我爸爸也会打喷嚏。
We’d always kept the cat downstairs, but now we’d need to find a way to sequester Kitty further.
我们一直把猫放在楼下，但现在我们需要找到一种方法来进一步隔离凯蒂。
Sal is the most dedicated biscuit-maker I have ever encountered.
萨尔是我见过的最敬业的饼干制造商。
He centers his attentions on the Snoopy blanket I bought for my husband for Valentine’s Day, a black-and-white harlequin cat kneading the face of a black-and-white cartoon dog.
他的注意力集中在我为丈夫买的情人节礼物史努比毯子上，上面是一只黑白丑角猫，揉捏着一只黑白卡通狗的脸。
The first time we saw Whisky perform the gesture, my husband had to explain what it meant, as she methodically kneaded the edge of her fluffy gray bed.
当我们第一次看到威士忌做出这个手势时，我的丈夫不得不解释它的意思，因为她有条不紊地揉捏着她蓬松的灰色床的边缘。
I’d never seen a cat make biscuits.
我从未见过猫做饼干。
Relegated to the laundry and storage room, Kitty lived in an exile that we told ourselves offered any number of wolf spiders to hunt for entertainment.
凯蒂被安置在洗衣房和储藏室里，过着流放的生活，我们告诉自己，这里可以提供任意数量的狼蛛来捕猎娱乐。
We could hear him venture up in the air conditioning vents that ran along the back length of the house.
我们可以听到他冒险进入沿着房子后部延伸的空调通风口。
We knew he was lonely by the way he’d launch at our ankles, nipping and batting, every time we stepped in with a load of laundry.
每次我们带着一大堆衣服进来时，他都会向我们的脚踝发起进攻，咬住、击打，我们知道他很孤独。
When he could hear us on the downstairs couch, watching Jeopardy!
当他听到我们在楼下的沙发上看《危险边缘》时！
, he’d jut his paw out under the doorframe and wave it back and forth to remind us he was there.
，他会把爪子从门框下伸出来，来回挥动，提醒我们他在那里。
Quoting Marge Piercy, in her 1989 poem “The cat’s song”: “Mine, says the cat, putting out his paw of darkness.
引用 Marge Piercy 在她 1989 年的诗《猫的歌》中的话：“我的，猫伸出黑暗的爪子说道。
/ My lover, my friend, my slave, my toy, says / the cat making on your chest his gesture of drawing / milk from his mother’s forgotten breasts.” What Kitty did, instead, was suckle my fingers until the skin wrinkled.
/我的爱人，我的朋友，我的奴隶，我的玩具，说/猫在你的胸前做出从他母亲被遗忘的乳房中吸取/牛奶的姿势。”相反，基蒂所做的是吮吸我的手指，直到皮肤起皱。
Perhaps when I look back, I’ll understand my priorities in a coherent way.
也许当我回顾过去时，我会以连贯的方式理解我的优先事项。
What I have in this moment is three professional to-do lists on the scale of the day, the month, and the year.
此时此刻，我手头有三份专业待办事项清单，按日、月、年的规模排列。
A river runs alongside all the lists, flowing with household to-dos.
一条河流沿着所有清单流淌，流淌着家庭待办事项。
Sal taps on the jewelry boxes at 3 a.m ., so I move them from the bedside stand to the floor—I haven’t figured out where else to store my bracelets and earrings—and get up to pour a quarter-cup of kibble.
凌晨 3 点，萨尔敲击珠宝盒，所以我把它们从床头柜移到地板上——我还没想出还有什么地方可以存放我的手镯和耳环——然后起身倒了四分之一杯粗粮。
I make the bed, clean out the coffeemaker, maybe take out recycling.
我整理床铺，清理咖啡机，也许还会回收垃圾。
I unload the dishwasher if my husband hasn’t already done it, but he usually has.
如果我丈夫还没有把洗碗机卸下来，我就会把它卸下来，但他通常都会这样做。
I water cacti and mist succulents.
我给仙人掌浇水，给多肉植物喷水。
I shower, sometimes.
我有时会洗澡。
I exercise, sometimes.
我有时会锻炼身体。
I teach.
我教书。
I email.
我发电子邮件。
We go a year without having sex.
我们一年没有发生性行为。
That is my choice fault choice.
那是我的选择错误的选择。
I do the grocery shopping, and my husband makes dinner.
我去买菜，我丈夫做饭。
Sal sits on the kitchen table, pawing the jar of almonds in hopes of annoying us into giving him more kibble.
萨尔坐在厨房的桌子上，用爪子抓着那罐杏仁，希望惹恼我们，让我们给他更多的粗磨食物。
One embedded contradiction is that while a Cat Lady is regarded as sexless, a Pussy Cat is synonymous with hypersexual femininity.
一个内在的矛盾是，虽然“猫女士”被认为是无性的，但“小猫咪”却是性欲旺盛的女性气质的代名词。
“Seems like every woman you try to save ends up dead—or deeply resentful,” Michelle Pfeiffer tells Michael Keaton in the 1992 movie Batman Returns .
“似乎你试图拯救的每个女人最终都死了——或者深感怨恨，”米歇尔·菲佛在 1992 年的电影《蝙蝠侠归来》中告诉迈克尔·基顿。
She is wearing a skintight suit with pointed ears as her alter ego, Catwoman.
她穿着紧身衣，尖耳朵，就像她的另一个自我“猫女”。
“Maybe you should retire.”
“也许你应该退休了。”
No one comes along to validate your choices.
没有人来验证你的选择。
My husband sometimes exclaims, without any provocation, “I love my life!” He does this while stretching, or after a big meal, or while organizing records.
我丈夫有时会毫无挑衅地大喊：“我爱我的生活！”他在伸展身体时，或在大餐后，或在整理记录时这样做。
Such pure, buoyant energy: He has figured out that when no one else cheers you on, you cheer yourself on.
如此纯粹、充满活力的能量：他发现，当没有人为你加油时，你就为自己加油。
“She’s doing it,” he’ll say, when he walks into a room where I’m working, but I often don’t believe him.
当他走进我工作的房间时，他会说：“她正在这么做。”但我常常不相信他。
Maybe I chose not to have children fearing they’d hold up a mirror in which I’d only ever be “doing it” wrong.
也许我选择不生孩子，担心他们会举起一面镜子，在镜子里我只会“做错”。
Much of the circus-like atmosphere at the Wichita Cat Fancy Cat Show was the constant rotation of evaluations.
威奇托猫花式猫展上马戏团般的气氛很大程度上来自于评估的不断轮换。
Ribbons were granted freely by the Fanciers, whose judges pulled cat after cat from cages to multiple stages, pushing each one around to evaluate look and demeanor.
丝带由鸽友们免费授予，评委们将一只又一只的猫从笼子里拉到多个舞台上，推来推去，以评价它们的外表和举止。
One gray-striped tabby’s cage boasted “6th Best Cat in Championship” for the “All Breed” category; I assumed different colors indicated different years, since the cat was also ranked “7th Best Cat in Championship” and “10th Best Cat in Championship.” An Ocicat began its pageant journey as “3rd Best Kitten.” There was also “Shorthair Specialty,” and “Best in Color.”
一只灰色条纹虎斑猫的笼子在“全品种”类别中荣获“锦标赛最佳猫第六名”；我假设不同的颜色代表不同的年份，因为这只猫还被评为“锦标赛最佳猫第七名”和“锦标赛最佳猫第十名”。一只奥西猫以“最佳小猫第三名”的身份开始了它的选美之旅。还有“短毛特产”和“最佳颜色”。
Linda made sure that I would get to visit her mother, Laura, in February 2010, when I came to New Orleans.
2010 年 2 月，当我来到新奥尔良时，琳达确保我能去看望她的母亲劳拉。
The reason was my memoir—a national allergy conference where I could obtain a press pass, and source experts in the field.
原因是我的回忆录——一个全国过敏会议，我可以在那里获得记者通行证，并找到该领域的专家。
But Laura’s time was winding down, and we knew it.
但劳拉的生命即将结束，我们知道这一点。
Call Victor, I was told, and given a number for the taxi service.
有人告诉我打电话给维克多，并给了我一个出租车服务的电话号码。
He’ll get you there.
他会带你去那里。
Kitty began making jailbreaks in the early 2000s.
Kitty 在 2000 年代初开始越狱。
He’d slip past the laundry-room door and haul his arthritic bones to the forbidden upstairs, waiting outside my mother’s door as she took a bath.
他会溜进洗衣房的门，拖着关节炎的骨头到楼上的禁区，在我母亲洗澡时在她门外等着。
I was home, living with my parents for my first semester of graduate school, when he crawled into my lap looking for borrowed warmth.
我回到家，和父母住在一起度过了研究生的第一个学期，这时他爬到我的腿上寻求借来的温暖。
He died with a mustardy exhalation, in the downstairs living room, as the two of us sat on a Jennifer Furniture sectional.
当我们两个坐在詹妮弗家具组合上时，他在楼下的客厅里带着芥末味的呼气去世了。
John Ashbery found the single sestina insufficient for Flow Chart ’s grappling with mortality.
约翰·阿什伯里 (John Ashbery) 发现单一的 sestina 不足以应对 Flow Chart 应对死亡率的问题。
So he doubled the form.
所以他把表格翻了一番。
“As you pause for breath, / remember it, now that it is done, and seeds flare in the sunflower.”
“当你停下来喘口气时，/记住它，现在它已经完成了，种子在向日葵中闪耀。”
I caught a ride with Victor, paying with forty dollars cash, which rolled me far beyond the French Quarter and into the suburbs to an assisted-living facility.
我和维克多一起搭了车，付了四十美元现金，把我带到了远离法国区的地方，来到了郊区的一个辅助生活设施。
Laura looked the same, if older—funky but practical eyeglasses, frizzy golden-brown hair.
劳拉看起来还是老样子，只是年纪更大了——戴着时髦但实用的眼镜，卷曲的金棕色头发。
I sat on the edge of a comfy chair with my glass of water as she told one story, then another, and talked about that time she trespassed into the middle of a 1969 concert in Woodstock, New York.
我端着一杯水坐在一张舒适的椅子边上，听她讲了一个又一个故事，还谈到了 1969 年她闯入纽约伍德斯托克一场音乐会的那次。
How I wish that I’d had a cat, in that moment, to tell Laura about.
在那一刻，我多么希望自己有一只猫，可以告诉劳拉。
She’d had Xanthippe and then Taj, Tui.
她吃了 Xanthippe，然后是 Taj, Tui。
Only the complex’s rules kept her from having another.
只是建筑群的规则阻止她再养一个。
But I was still a few years from meeting my husband, and a few more years from us finding a place that allowed cats on the lease.
但我距离见到我的丈夫还有几年的时间，距离我们找到一个允许猫租赁的地方还有几年的时间。
What did I say to her instead?
我对她说了什么？
I look at the timing and know I would have been in the middle of upending my love life.
我看看时机，就知道我的爱情生活将会发生翻天覆地的变化。
Maybe I gave an update on the safer subjects of my parents, my sister.
也许我提供了有关我父母、我妹妹的更安全主题的最新情况。
Maybe I spun out a tale about the bartender at Arnaud’s French 75 Bar.
也许我编造了一个关于阿尔诺法国 75 酒吧调酒师的故事。
Getting ready to leave her apartment, Laura told me to pick something off her shelves to have as a keepsake.
准备离开她的公寓时，劳拉让我从她的架子上挑一些东西作为纪念品。
Unsure what to grab, I picked up All Color Book of Cats .
不确定该拿什么，我拿起了《猫的全色书》。
One of the captions says, “Cats adore flattery and love being told they are beautiful.
其中一张说明文字写道：“猫喜欢奉承，喜欢被告知它们很漂亮。
Most cat photographs look as if they are posed but it is in fact difficult to make a cat do something because you want it to, and poise is in its nature.” The other volumes of All Color books include “Birds,” “Seashells,” “Egyptian Mythology,” and “Henry VIII.”
大多数猫的照片看起来像是摆姿势的，但事实上很难让猫做你想让它做的事情，而泰然自若是它的天性。”全色图书的其他卷包括《鸟类》、《贝壳》、《埃及神话》和《亨利八世》。
For hours I was too scared to stand and release Kitty’s body from my lap, unsure where to put it down.
几个小时以来，我都不敢站起来，不敢把凯蒂的尸体从我的腿上松开，不知道该把它放在哪里。
I waited until I could hear my mother making coffee upstairs.
我一直等到听到妈妈在楼上煮咖啡的声音。
My father dug the hole for burying, in a ground hardened by winter.
我父亲在冬天变硬的土地上挖了一个埋坑。
When Whisky died, in the quiet of our apartment, at a time we’d scheduled, my husband took on the job of gently enfolding her body in a blanket I’d given to the task, while I walked the veterinarian back to her car in the garage.
当威士忌在我们安静的公寓里去世时，在我们预定的时间里，我的丈夫负责用我给的毯子轻轻地包裹她的尸体，而我则陪着兽医回到车库里她的车旁。
Everyone told me that cats would be easy, as pets go.
每个人都告诉我养猫很容易，就像宠物一样。
Independent , they said.
独立，他们说。
Did Whisky wait to stop eating until she met me, a safe harbor for her wasting away?
威士忌是不是等到遇见我才停止进食，我是她日渐消瘦的安全港湾？
The foster couple swore up and down she’d been eating normally, though she was down to her last teeth.
这对寄养夫妇反复发誓，尽管她的牙齿已经只剩最后几颗了，但她的饮食一直很正常。
Did Sal wait until he landed in our household to reveal the consequence of being six years un-neutered, wanky hormones and fraught plumbing to match?
萨尔是否等到他来到我们家才透露六年未绝育、古怪的荷尔蒙和令人担忧的管道的后果？
He’s an anxious cat.
他是一只焦虑的猫。
But he lets me pick him up and sling him over my shoulder like a sack of potatoes.
但他让我把他抱起来，像一袋土豆一样把他扛在肩上。
He loves to look out the window by my husband’s desk, down at the Southwest Duck Pond.
他喜欢在我丈夫的办公桌旁看着窗外的西南鸭池。
By the time Victor picked me up for the return, he was a half hour late and his van was cluttered with juice boxes and sandwich bags.
当维克多接我回去时，他迟到了半个小时，他的货车里堆满了果汁盒和三明治袋。
To offset my palpable irritation, I asked about the mound of costuming in the far backseat.
为了抵消我明显的恼怒，我询问了后座远处那堆服装的情况。
It turned out to be a Mardi Gras costume in progress.
原来这是正在制作的狂欢节服装。
That’s when Victor admitted that he no longer worked as a driver.
就在那时，维克多承认他不再担任司机。
But I had called his cell, and I was with Laura.
但我给他的手机打了电话，而且我和劳拉在一起。
He hadn’t wanted to leave his favorite customer hanging.
他不想让他最喜欢的顾客闲着。
Abyssinians are bred with Siamese, bred with American shorthairs, resulting in the elegantly spotted Ocicat.
阿比西尼亚猫与暹罗猫、美国短毛猫交配，产生了优雅斑点的奥西猫。
I found a Colorado breeder with a pen of them on the floor of The Cotillion Ballroom, his gate decorated with four show ribbons.
我在 Cotillion 宴会厅的地板上发现了一位科罗拉多饲养员，他的大门上装饰着四条展示丝带。
In comparison, Sal’s lineage is unknown, his coat a weird mix of snow-white and striped harlequin spots, and he has the attitude of a ravenous trash panda.
相比之下，萨尔的血统无人知晓，他的皮毛是雪白和条纹丑角斑点的奇怪混合，他的态度就像一只贪婪的垃圾熊猫。
He is curled at our feet this New Year’s Day of 2022, at 4 a.m .
2022 年元旦凌晨 4 点，他蜷缩在我们脚边。
We’ve fallen asleep before the ball drop, and now my husband is sad.
球落下之前我们就睡着了，现在我丈夫很伤心。
“Do you want to blow some crackers?” I ask, fumbling my words.
“你想吹饼干吗？”我结结巴巴地问道。
I grab two “Happy New Year” party favors.
我拿了两份“新年快乐”派对礼物。
When I blow mine, the silver tongue extends in a billowing curl.
当我吹气时，银舌会卷曲地伸展开来。
His blow creates not only a gold tongue but a great honk.
他的一击不仅创造了金舌头，而且创造了巨大的喇叭声。
Sal is alarmed.
萨尔很惊慌。
We blow again, honk at each other, foil tongues entwining.
我们再次吹气，互相鸣笛，舌头缠绕在一起。
Okay , my husband says, I feel a little hopeful .
好吧，我丈夫说，我感到有点希望。
Here we are.
我们到了。
Sandra Beasley Sandra Beasley’s prose has appeared in the New York Times , the Washington Post , the American Scholar , and other venues.
桑德拉·比斯利 桑德拉·比斯利的散文曾出现在《纽约时报》、《华盛顿邮报》、《美国学者》等媒体上。
She is the author of Don’t Kill the Birthday Girl: Tales from an Allergic Life (Crown, 2012), a disability memoir, and four poetry collections, most recently Made to ...
她是《别杀死生日女孩：过敏生活的故事》（Crown，2012 年）、一本残疾回忆录和四本诗集的作者，最近出版的是……
Agnes Lee Agnes Lee’s illustrations have appeared in the New York Times , the New York Times Book Review , and the Chicago Tribune .
Agnes Lee Agnes Lee 的插图曾出现在《纽约时报》、《纽约时报书评》和《芝加哥论坛报》上。