The Sun Magazine | Fighting The Tree | By Davon Loeb | Issue 565
There were too many trees out back, some so high they were dangerous.
后面的树太多了，有些树太高了，很危险。
If one of those passing storms came, the kind that tore off roofs and stripped shingles, a sky-high pine could definitely rip out its roots and crash down on our home.
如果一场暴风雨来袭，那种会掀掉屋顶、剥落木瓦的暴风雨，一棵高耸入云的松树肯定会连根拔起，倒塌在我们的房子上。
It was a serious fear of homeowners in New Jersey’s Pine Barrens, where many families like ours owned almost an acre.
这是新泽西州松林贫瘠之地的房主们的严重恐惧，那里许多像我们这样的家庭拥有近一英亩的土地。
There was one tree in particular that had to go, Dad said, and he was going to do it himself.
爸爸说，有一棵树特别需要砍掉，他要自己动手。
He didn’t need to pay someone to cut down a tree.
他不需要花钱请人来砍树。
He had a chain saw, an ax, a pruner — The same tools the professionals use , Dad said when he and Mom argued over it.
他有一把链锯、一把斧头、一把修枝剪——这些都是专业人士使用的工具，爸爸在和妈妈为此争论时说道。
Dad won, because what man wants to be told he’s not tough enough to cut down a tree?
爸爸赢了，因为谁愿意被告知他不够坚强，无法砍倒一棵树呢？
He could fix cars and split wood with ease.
他可以轻松地修理汽车和劈木头。
This would be simple, he told her.
这很简单，他告诉她。
At the age of ten, I wanted to help.
十岁时，我想帮忙。
Sometimes, when Dad was working on a project, he’d let me run for a Phillips-head screwdriver or an adjustable wrench.
有时，当爸爸在做一个项目时，他会让我跑去拿一把十字头螺丝刀或一把活动扳手。
Whatever the task, I’d do it.
无论什么任务，我都会完成。
Often, though, I would grab the wrong wrench or drill bit, and Dad would grow frustrated by my inability to follow directions.
不过，我常常会拿错扳手或钻头，而爸爸会因我无法遵循指示而感到沮丧。
He wasn’t cruel about it; he just decided it was easier to do it himself.
他对此并不残忍；他对此并不残忍。他只是觉得自己做更容易。
He came from a line of do-it-yourself men and had learned many skills from his father and grandfather.
他出身于自己动手的家庭，从父亲和祖父那里学到了许多技能。
I, meanwhile, needed help opening a jar of jelly.
与此同时，我需要帮助打开一罐果冻。
I was weak and had no resilience.
我身体虚弱，没有韧性。
Blame my nerves or my lack of attention span, but I was not like Dad.
归咎于我的神经质或注意力不集中，但我不像爸爸。
I sat on the deck, watching him prepare to cut down the tree.
我坐在甲板上，看着他准备砍倒那棵树。
He measured the circumference of it with his tape, stepped back, then measured again, adjusting.
他用卷尺测量了它的周长，后退一步，然后再次测量并调整。
With a can of orange spray paint, he marked the trunk at a spot about waist high.
他用一罐橙色喷漆在树干腰部高的地方做了记号。
So I know exactly where to cut.
所以我确切地知道该在哪里削减。
If I cut too low or too high, the tree might fall right there, on you.
如果我砍得太低或太高，树可能会倒在你身上。
Mom had told me to sit your butt down , but there was nothing I could do to help while on the deck.
妈妈叫我坐下来，但在甲板上我却无能为力。
Dad.
爸爸。
Dad.
爸爸。
Can I get you anything?
我能给你什么吗？
I projected my voice through my cupped hands.
我通过双手发出声音。
Some birds flew from the treetops, wrestling in midair.
一些鸟儿从树顶飞来，在半空中摔跤。
He wiped his brow, sweat glazing his face.
他擦了擦额头，脸上布满了汗水。
A big cup of water with ice , he said.
一大杯加冰的水，他说。
Dad was often disappointed in me.
爸爸常常对我感到失望。
I couldn’t do anything right.
我什么也做不了。
Once, he’d asked me to help carry in the groceries, handing me a gallon of milk: Davon, are you sure you’ve got this?
有一次，他让我帮忙搬杂货，递给我一加仑牛奶：达文，你确定有这个吗？
I cradled the container in both arms as if it were a bomb.
我用双臂抱住这个容器，就像它是一个炸弹一样。
Halfway across the garage I stumbled and dropped it.
在穿过车库的一半时，我绊了一跤，把它掉了下来。
Milk everywhere.
到处都是牛奶。
The same thing happened when I tried to carry a watermelon.
当我试图搬运西瓜时，也发生了同样的事情。
Plop , the melon exploded across the floor.
扑通一声，瓜炸得满地都是。
You might think Dad would have learned not to ask for my help, but he knew that if he didn’t, I would complain to Mom, and she would make him.
你可能认为爸爸会学会不要向我寻求帮助，但他知道，如果他不这样做，我就会向妈妈抱怨，而她就会逼迫他。
He could never say no to her.
他永远无法对她说不。
She insisted he let me go to the store with him, rake the leaves, wash the cars — spend father-and-son time.
她坚持让我和他一起去商店，耙树叶，洗车——度过父子时光。
Mom was the ultimate authority, our judge and jury.
妈妈是最终的权威，是我们的法官和陪审团。
If I talked back or cursed, Dad would make empty threats: Davon, go to your room.
如果我顶嘴或咒骂，爸爸就会空洞地威胁：达文，回你的房间去。
You’re grounded.
你已经接地了。
But all I had to do was go find Mom and twist the story of why I was in trouble, and she would send me back to help him with whatever he was doing — which only made him more upset and annoyed.
但我所要做的就是去找妈妈，告诉我为什么遇到麻烦，她会让我回去帮助他做他正在做的事情——这只会让他更加沮丧和恼火。
That was the way in our family.
我们家就是这样。
We formed a triangle with Mom pointing fingers at us: Davon, stop; Dad, stop; both of you, stop.
我们围成一个三角形，妈妈用手指指着我们：达文，停下来；爸爸，停下来；你们两个，停下来。
I was infuriatingly sensitive, always whining when he teased me.
我非常敏感，当他取笑我时，我总是抱怨。
Every time I spilled something, which was often, he’d sing, Mr. Spiller, Mr. Spiller , and I’d throw a fit, stomping my feet, shouting, my eyes filling with tears.
每当我洒出东西时，他就会唱“斯皮勒先生，斯皮勒先生”，而我就会大发雷霆，跺着脚，大喊大叫，眼里充满了泪水。
I completed my mission, delivering Dad the biggest cup of ice water ever, in a 7-Eleven Big Gulp cup.
我完成了我的任务，用 7-11 Big Gulp 杯子给爸爸送来了有史以来最大的一杯冰水。
I ran it out to him, holding it in two hands.
我把它递给他，两只手拿着它。
He drank it quickly and wiped his mouth on his knuckles, the thick bristles of his mustache making a scratchy sound.
他很快喝了下去，用指关节擦了擦嘴，胡子上浓密的鬃毛发出沙沙的声音。
He dropped the cup near where he had lined up his tools in the order he would use them: pruner, chain saw, ax, bungee cord.
他把杯子放在他按照使用顺序排列工具的地方：修枝剪、链锯、斧头、弹力绳。
I wondered why he had picked that tree, how he had known it was the one that needed to go.
我想知道他为什么选择那棵树，他怎么知道这棵树需要被砍掉。
Dad had an intuition for the way the world worked; he knew things other people didn’t.
父亲对世界的运作方式有一种直觉。他知道别人不知道的事情。
He could have been stranded in the woods with only a knife, and he would have survived for weeks.
如果他只用一把刀，他就可能被困在树林里，而且还能存活数周。
It was who he was: a problem solver who thought everything through practically and pragmatically.
他就是这样一个人：一个问题解决者，凡事都以实际和务实的方式思考。
I wanted to be like him, but in school I was terrible at word problems about width and length.
我想像他一样，但在学校里我对宽度和长度的应用题很糟糕。
Give Dad a pencil, a piece of paper, and a ruler, and he could design a house.
给爸爸一支铅笔、一张纸和一把尺子，他就可以设计一座房子。
Give me a pencil, a piece of paper, and a ruler, and I could draw our family.
给我一支铅笔、一张纸和一把尺子，我就能画出我们的家人。
Maybe I wasn’t the son Dad wanted.
也许我不是爸爸想要的儿子。
Maybe, if he could have, he would have picked another kid, a son he could enjoy parenting.
也许，如果可以的话，他会选择另一个孩子，一个他可以享受养育的儿子。
They could have built things, worn matching tool belts, read how-to books, and cut down trees together.
他们可以一起建造东西、佩戴配套的工具带、阅读操作手册、一起砍伐树木。
I wanted to be that kid.
我想成为那个孩子。
I wanted to like cars and the smell of gasoline.
我想喜欢汽车和汽油的味道。
I wanted to like making trips to Home Depot to search the aisles as if looking for ourselves: our eyes in the shades of paint, our skin tones in the wood, and our hearts in the steel frames of rolling red tool chests.
我想去家得宝（Home Depot）寻找过道，就像寻找我们自己一样：我们的眼睛在油漆的色调中，我们的肤色在木头中，我们的心在滚动的红色工具箱的钢架中。
I wanted to look like Dad, to think like Dad, to be like Dad.
我想看起来像爸爸，像爸爸一样思考，像爸爸一样。
I wanted to have the same last name as him.
我想和他同姓。
But none of those things were possible.
但这些都是不可能的。
No matter how much I loved him, no matter how often I called him Dad and he called me Son, no matter how much Mom encouraged our relationship, we always would have these differences between us.
无论我多么爱他，无论我多么频繁地叫他爸爸，他叫我儿子，无论妈妈如何鼓励我们的关系，我们之间总会有这些差异。
I was wearing my good clothes that day — a collared shirt and khaki shorts — because later I was going to lunch and a movie with my biological father, Harry.
那天我穿着好衣服——有领衬衫和卡其色短裤——因为稍后我要和我的亲生父亲哈利一起吃午饭和看电影。
He and my mom had broken up when I was a baby, and he hadn’t been a part of my life until recently.
当我还是个婴儿的时候，他和我妈妈就分手了，直到最近他才成为我生活的一部分。
I was excited about the movie, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go with him or stay with Dad.
我对这部电影很兴奋，但我不确定我是想和他一起去还是和爸爸在一起。
It was complicated.
这很复杂。
Dad had been my father for seven years.
爸爸已经做了我的父亲七年了。
Harry had been around for only three.
哈利只存在了三年。
Going places with him felt like choosing a new friend over an old one.
和他一起去一些地方感觉就像选择了一位新朋友而不是一位老朋友。
This new friend bought me toys, waffles with ice cream, extra-large tubs of popcorn, giant movie-theater sodas.
这位新朋友给我买了玩具、华夫饼加冰淇淋、超大桶爆米花、巨大的电影院苏打水。
And he never yelled at me or teased me.
他从来没有对我大喊大叫或取笑我。
We looked alike and had the same last name, and Mom said he liked painting and drawing like me.
我们长得很像，姓也一样，妈妈说他和我一样喜欢画画。
But Dad was my everyday father.
但爸爸是我日常的父亲。
He’d raised me.
他养育了我。
He’d taught me how to ride my bike and tie my shoelaces.
他教我如何骑自行车和系鞋带。
He cooked dinner and helped me with my math homework and chaperoned field trips.
他做饭，帮我做数学作业，并陪同我进行实地考察。
We kicked the soccer ball together.
我们一起踢足球。
So what if he yelled at me?
那他要是骂我怎么办？
He was still my dad.
他仍然是我的父亲。
Those two men embodied two different definitions of father : one was my father, and the other fathered me.
这两个人体现了对父亲的两种不同定义：一个是我的父亲，另一个是我的父亲。
Harry had never visited our house before.
哈利以前从未来过我们家。
Mom and I drove two hours to Hackensack to visit him once a month.
我和妈妈开车两个小时去哈肯萨克，每个月去看他一次。
On the way, I’d ask why he never came to us.
在路上，我会问他为什么不来找我们。
She’d say it was because he was so much older than she was, and the long drive was too much for him, and one time he’d fallen asleep behind the wheel.
她会说这是因为他比她大得多，而且长途驾驶对他来说太难了，有一次他在方向盘后面睡着了。
I thought it was because of Dad, though — that maybe the two of them didn’t like each other.
不过，我认为这是因为爸爸——也许他们两个不喜欢对方。
Maybe, because they both loved Mom, they couldn’t be in the same room together.
也许，因为他们都爱妈妈，所以他们不能共处一个房间。
But today, for the first time, Harry was on his way to see me.
但今天，哈利第一次来看我。
I wondered if he and Dad would fight over me.
我想知道他和爸爸会不会为了我而吵架。
Part of me was eager to show my father around: show him my room, my bike, my action figures, my school, where I waited for the bus, the places I hung out with my friends, the swing set and the basketball hoop.
我的一部分渴望带我的父亲四处看看：带他看看我的房间、我的自行车、我的人偶、我的学校、我等公共汽车的地方、我和朋友一起出去玩的地方、秋千和篮球框。
Show him my world.
让他看看我的世界。
Dad looked up into the branches while holding the pruner — a saw blade on a long pole.
爸爸手里拿着修枝剪——一根长杆上的锯片，抬头看着树枝。
With it, he reached high into the thicket of boughs and began sawing off limbs.
他拿着它，把手伸进高高的树枝丛中，开始锯断树枝。
He was focused, methodical.
他专注、有条理。
His eyes were rulers, measuring how much to cut here, how much there.
他的眼睛就像尺子，测量着这里要砍多少，那里要砍多少。
If it weren’t for his shirt’s whiteness, he would have disappeared into the thick trunk, the bark and his skin almost the same color.
如果不是他的衬衫很白，他早就消失在粗壮的树干里了，树皮和他的皮肤几乎是同一个颜色。
Sunlight flooded through the treetops, its heat radiating like rip currents.
阳光透过树梢倾泻而下，热量像离岸流一样散发着。
I had already refilled his water cup twice.
我已经给他的水杯加了两次水了。
On the deck I sat still, hands on my knees, admiring Dad and listening to the sawing of the serrated blade and the reverberations of insects rubbing their legs together and the calls of birds far in the distance.
我一动不动地坐在甲板上，双手放在膝盖上，欣赏着爸爸，听着锯齿状刀片的锯切声、昆虫摩擦腿的回响以及远处鸟儿的叫声。
It all sounded wonderful and harmonious.
一切听起来美妙而和谐。
When my father arrived, I ignored the humming of his car’s engine.
当我父亲到达时，我忽略了他汽车发动机的嗡嗡声。
I didn’t turn around when I heard his feet crunching fallen leaves as he followed the sounds of the saw blade around back.
当我听到他的脚踩着落叶的声音时，我没有回头，他顺着锯片的声音往后走。
I ignored him until he was right in front of me.
我没理他，直到他出现在我面前。
I was not ready.
我还没准备好。
I’d decided that I wanted to help Dad.
我决定要帮助爸爸。
I stayed put, gritted my teeth, planted my heels in defiance.
我呆在原地，咬紧牙关，坚定地反抗。
Mom’s thumb stopped its gentle circling.
妈妈的拇指停止了轻轻的转动。
She tapped my head.
她敲了敲我的头。
Your father drove a long way to see you.
你父亲开了很远的路来见你。
I didn’t want to upset him.
我不想让他不高兴。
But what if Dad needed my help?
但如果爸爸需要我的帮助怎么办？
My chest rose and fell heavily.
我的胸口重重地起伏。
Mom knelt, looked into my eyes, and quietly said, Dad won’t be upset.
妈妈跪下来，看着我的眼睛，轻声说，爸爸不会不高兴的。
You can help him when you come home.
你回家后可以帮助他。
Harry stood patiently, observing, the way a photographer would.
哈利耐心地站着，像摄影师一样观察。
After a few minutes he turned to Dad and called, Hey, you need a hand?
几分钟后，他转向爸爸喊道：嘿，你需要帮忙吗？
This was not the first time they had met, but it was, as I said, Harry’s first time at our house.
这不是他们第一次见面，但正如我所说，这是哈利第一次来到我们家。
Dad was standing in a pile of leaves and branches, the pruner in his hand like a giant scepter.
爸爸站在一堆树叶和树枝中，手里的修枝剪就像一根巨大的权杖。
He gave the enormous tree a long stare while considering my father’s offer, then said, Sure, Harry.
他长时间地凝视着那棵大树，同时考虑着我父亲的提议，然后说，当然，哈利。
If you don’t mind.
如果你不介意的话。
As my father untucked his shirt and walked toward the tree, Dad asked me: Do you mind, Davon?
当我父亲解开衬衫走向那棵树时，爸爸问我：达文，你介意吗？
I looked at Mom, smiling uncontrollably, then shook my head.
我看着妈妈，忍不住笑了，然后摇了摇头。
Their handshake seemed longer than normal: the two of them standing like stone statues with hands clasped.
他们的握手似乎比平常更长：两人双手紧握，像石像一样站着。
Maybe Dad was squeezing my father’s hand harder, or maybe my father was squeezing Dad’s hand harder.
也许爸爸把我爸爸的手握得更用力了，或者也许我爸爸把爸爸的手握得更用力了。
Maybe it was a stalemate of strength.
或许，这就是实力的对峙吧。
After they let go, Dad proudly showed him around the yard, pointing in various directions, the two of them walking far enough away that I couldn’t hear what they were saying.
他们放手后，爸爸自豪地带他参观了院子，指着不同的方向，两个人走得足够远，我听不到他们在说什么。
The movie can wait , Mom said with approval as she scooted me over and sat down next to me.
电影可以等一等，妈妈赞许地说，一边把我拉过去，坐在我旁边。
I wondered how she felt, what she was thinking watching these two men.
我想知道她看着这两个人的感受和想法。
I don’t think you ever stop loving someone — especially the father of your child — but at that age I didn’t consider the possibility that she could love them both.
我不认为你会停止爱一个人——尤其是你孩子的父亲——但在那个年纪，我并没有考虑到她可能同时爱他们两个。
At least, not in the way I defined love: emotional and intimate, with kisses and hugs.
至少，不是我定义爱的方式：情感和亲密，有亲吻和拥抱。
She loved Dad; this I knew.
她爱爸爸；她爱爸爸。这我知道。
I’d been there when they’d promised to love each other at their wedding.
当他们在婚礼上承诺彼此相爱时，我就在场。
I’d even hand-delivered the rings on a heart-shaped cushion before they’d each said, I do .
在他们每个人都说“我愿意”之前，我什至亲手将戒指放在心形垫子上。
Dad and Mom had been together for as long as I could remember, since I was a year old.
从我记事起，爸爸和妈妈就一直在一起，从我一岁起。
Dad had become my father long before Harry ever called me his son.
早在哈利称我为他的儿子之前，爸爸就已经成为我的父亲了。
We had almost an acre of land, but we lived on only about a quarter of it.
我们拥有近一英亩的土地，但我们只靠其中的四分之一生活。
The rest was uncharted, unruly, unmanageable, and full of ticks.
其余的都是未知的、不守规矩的、难以管理的，而且充满了蜱虫。
Mom never let me go back there.
妈妈从来不让我回去。
But Dad and my father had ventured so far into the brush and shrubbery of our private wooded corner of the Pine Barrens that I’d lost sight of them among the trees.
但爸爸和我的父亲冒险进入了我们位于松林贫瘠之地的私人树木繁茂的角落的灌木丛和灌木丛，以至于我在树林中看不见他们了。
When they returned, Mom and I were still sitting shoulder to shoulder.
当他们回来的时候，我和妈妈还并肩坐着。
Dad called out, It’s time to cut this tree down.
爸爸喊道：是时候砍掉这棵树了。
He and my father stood under the tree.
他和我父亲站在树下。
Dad gripped the chain saw.
爸爸握紧了电锯。
No, honey.
不亲爱的。
You have to stay here, just in case the tree falls the wrong way.
你必须留在这里，以防树倒错方向。
Like a puppy on a leash, I strained to get closer as the chain saw’s motor ran: brum-brum-brurrrrrrrrr .
就像一只拴在皮带上的小狗一样，当链锯的马达运转时，我使劲靠近：brum-brum-brurrrrrrrrr。
Mom drew me back toward her.
妈妈把我拉回到她身边。
Dad put on a pair of safety glasses and pulled earplugs from his pocket.
爸爸戴上一副护目镜，从口袋里掏出耳塞。
He sent a thumbs-up our way.
他向我们竖起了大拇指。
He said something to my father, and Harry, with his arms crossed, took two steps back.
他对我父亲说了些什么，哈利交叉双臂后退了两步。
Feet shoulder-width apart, Dad wielded the chain saw like a weapon.
爸爸双脚分开与肩同宽，像武器一样挥舞着链锯。
Where earlier he’d spray-painted a mark, he drove the blade into the tree.
之前他喷了一个标记，现在他把刀片刺进了树里。
Splinters and sawdust billowed as if the tree were coughing out its insides.
碎片和锯末滚滚而下，仿佛树木正在咳出内脏。
Dad thrust the saw in farther, its roar unrelenting.
爸爸把锯子推得更远，锯子的轰鸣声不断。
Mom covered my ears, but I swatted at her hands.
妈妈捂住我的耳朵，我却用力拍打她的手。
This is so cool , I told her.
这太酷了，我告诉她。
After a minute or so, Dad pulled out the saw.
大约一分钟后，爸爸拿出了锯子。
The tree had a jack-o’-lantern smile on one side.
这棵树的一侧有一个南瓜灯般的微笑。
He investigated, tilting his head back and forth.
他前后歪着头进行调查。
My father said something to him, and Dad shrugged, then nodded.
父亲对他说了些什么，父亲耸耸肩，然后点点头。
My father picked up the ax.
我父亲拿起了斧头。
Now Dad stepped back.
现在爸爸退了一步。
Harry checked the weight of the ax, tossing it from hand to hand a couple of times as if to say, This will do .
哈利检查了一下斧头的重量，把它从一只手扔到另一只手上好几次，仿佛在说，这样就可以了。
Then he squared himself up to where the bark grinned sinisterly and swung with all his might.
然后他摆好姿势，站在树皮阴险地咧着嘴笑的地方，用尽全力挥舞。
The wood creaked and begged for mercy.
木头吱吱作响，求饶。
He swung from his hips, sending the force through his arms and into the tree tirelessly, the sound of the blade hitting the wood forming a rhythm.
他从臀部开始挥动，不知疲倦地将力量通过手臂传递到树上，刀刃撞击木头的声音形成了节奏。
I was excited.
我很兴奋。
Mom appeared nervous.
妈妈显得很紧张。
When my father stopped, a crack echoed, and the tree began to sway.
当我父亲停下来时，一声巨响响起，树开始摇晃。
He stepped backward.
他向后退了一步。
Mom clenched my arms tightly.
妈妈紧紧地握着我的手臂。
The wind pulled at the tree as if with an invisible string, whispering, I’ll finish the job .
风像一根无形的绳子一样拉着树，低声说，我来完成任务。
Both men yelled.
两个人都大喊起来。
The pine tree went one way and then the other, leaning like a table that’s lost a leg.
松树先向一边倾斜，然后又向另一边倾斜，就像一张失去了一条腿的桌子一样倾斜。
Dad and my father quickly moved to try to steady it, but their strength wasn’t enough.
爸爸和我的父亲赶紧行动起来，试图稳住它，但他们的力气不够。
Rope, rope!
绳子，绳子！
they called.
他们打电话来。
The long bungee cord was coiled with the pile of tools, about twenty feet from the tree.
长长的弹力绳与一堆工具盘绕在一起，距离树大约二十英尺。
I wrestled my arm out of Mom’s grip and ran over to it.
我挣脱妈妈的手，跑过去。
The giant tree loomed over me.
那棵大树笼罩着我。
My two fathers, both with one hand on the tree and the other reaching in my direction, yelled, Throw me the rope!
我的两个父亲都一只手放在树上，另一只手伸向我的方向，喊道：把绳子扔给我！
I gave Dad the bungee.
我给了爸爸蹦极。
It took him a few seconds to wrap it around the trunk.
他花了几秒钟才将它包裹在箱子上。
Mom yelled for me to return to the house, and I did as she said, more fearful of her than of the tree.
妈妈大声叫我回家，我照她说的做了，我害怕她胜过害怕那棵树。
Dad repositioned himself beside the trunk, bungee in hand.
爸爸重新站在箱子旁边，手里拿着蹦极。
My father joined him, and, standing only inches apart, as if they were one person, the two men tugged on the rope in the same direction, away from the house.
我父亲加入了他，两个人站在一起，距离只有几英寸，就好像他们是一个人一样，朝着同一个方向拉着绳子，远离房子。
Together, with fear and desperation, Dad and my father fought that tree.
带着恐惧和绝望，爸爸和我的父亲一起与那棵树作斗争。