Nothing Could Prepare Me for the Bizarre 'Live Birth' Experience at Babyland Hospital
Flickr/Kelly Verdeck Flickr/Kelly Verdeck Travel Travel Inspiration Nothing Could Prepare Me for the Bizarre 'Live Birth' Experience at Babyland Hospital I took my kids to the Cabbage Patch Kids' museum-meets-nursery in rural Georgia.
Flickr/Kelly Verdeck Flickr/Kelly Verdeck 旅行 旅行灵感 没有什么能让我为 Babyland 医院奇异的“活产”体验做好准备 我带我的孩子们去了佐治亚州乡村的 Cabbage Patch Kids 博物馆兼托儿所。
Here's what happened.
事情是这样的。
By Joshua Rigsby Published on April 19, 2024 at 7:00 AM According to company lore, Cabbage Patch Kids are born at Babyland General Hospital , a real place you can visit in the tiny town of Cleveland, Georgia (population 3,500).
作者：Joshua Rigsby 发布于 2024 年 4 月 19 日上午 7:00 根据公司传说，Cabbage Patch Kids 出生于 Babyland General Hospital，这是一个真实存在的地方，位于佐治亚州克利夫兰小镇（人口 3,500）。
The building looks more like a plantation house than a maternity ward, overlooking a sprawling 600-acre estate folded among the southernmost stretches of the Appalachian mountains .
该建筑看起来更像是一座种植园，而不是产房，俯瞰着阿巴拉契亚山脉最南端绵延的占地 600 英亩的广阔庄园。
My family had spent the weekend in nearby Helen, a Bavarian-themed Alpine village served with a Southern drawl.
我的家人在附近的海伦度过了周末，这是一个巴伐利亚主题的阿尔卑斯山村庄，有着南方慢吞吞的口音。
We had visited the Gourd Place, a museum dedicated to gourd art from all over the world, and generally enjoyed the waterfalls and hiking trails of the surrounding Blue Ridge nature areas.
我们参观了葫芦馆（Gourd Place），这是一个专门展示世界各地葫芦艺术的博物馆，并且总体上欣赏了周围蓝岭自然地区的瀑布和远足小径。
The trip couldn’t end there, though.
不过，旅程并没有就此结束。
Because as we drove the region’s twisting two-lane mountain roads, my daughters, five and seven years old respectively, had seen the ancient, weather-worn billboards for Babyland General Hospital featuring storks and Cabbage Patch Kids in faded pastel colors and wanted to see what it was all about.
因为当我们沿着该地区蜿蜒的双车道山路行驶时，我的两个女儿（分别五岁和七岁）看到了巴比兰综合医院古老的、饱经风霜的广告牌，上面画着褪色柔和的鹳鸟和卷心菜小孩，她们想看看这到底是怎么回事。
Cabbage Patch dolls, of course, were one of the first Christmas fad crazes.
当然，卷心菜娃娃是最早的圣诞时尚热潮之一。
In 1983, their scarcity inspired brawls in the aisles of Toys “R” Us.
1983 年，它们的稀缺性引发了玩具反斗城货架上的争吵。
Each of the millions of dolls sold that year contained an advertisement for Babyland General Hospital in its packaging, cajoling children to make a pilgrimage to rural northern Georgia to visit the birthplace of their Cabbage Patch child.
那一年售出的数百万个娃娃中，每个娃娃的包装上都贴有巴比兰综合医院的广告，诱使孩子们前往佐治亚州北部乡村朝圣，参观他们的“卷心菜补丁”孩子的出生地。
My wife remembered seeing the ads, along with the unmistakable “vanilla baby powder” smell of the packaging.
我的妻子记得看到过这些广告，以及包装上明显的“香草婴儿爽身粉”气味。
The exterior of the Babyland General Hospital in Cleveland, Georgia.
佐治亚州克利夫兰巴比兰综合医院的外观。
| Kelly Verdeck/Flickr At the reception desk, an employee in hospital scrubs asks my family if we would like to purchase a “live birthing experience,” for which we would have the pleasure of paying $120.
| Kelly Verdeck/Flickr 在接待处，一名身穿医院工作服的员工询问我的家人是否愿意购买“活产体验”，我们很乐意为此支付 120 美元。
Your children go to an “adoption office” within the hospital.
您的孩子会去医院内的“收养办公室”。
You sit in front of a desk and request the specifics of the Cabbage Patch Kid’s eye, hair, and skin color, as well as its sex.
你坐在桌子前，询问卷心菜小子的眼睛、头发、肤色以及性别的具体情况。
Then you attend the live birth.
然后您参加活产。
This process is literally and (un-?)ironically described in the pamphlets placed in the surrounding north Georgia hotels as Babyland’s “Planned Parenthood” option.
这个过程在佐治亚州北部周边酒店的小册子中被字面地（非？）讽刺地描述为 Babyland 的“计划生育”选项。
We choose to go with the free self-guided tour instead.
我们选择了免费自助游。
The Babyland Hospital birthing ceremony began in the late 1970s as an opportunistic stunt to encourage tourism.
Babyland 医院诞生仪式始于 20 世纪 70 年代末，作为鼓励旅游业的机会主义噱头。
The Cabbage Patch company had bought an old clinic in their founder’s hometown as a place to produce their stuffed plush dolls, and came up with the birthing gag as a way to entertain curious guests.
Cabbage Patch 公司在其创始人的家乡购买了一家旧诊所，作为生产毛绒玩偶的地方，并想出了分娩玩笑来招待好奇的客人。
They moved to their current setting in 2009.
他们于 2009 年搬到目前的住所。
In the antechamber, we tour a nursery/museum with antiquated versions of Cabbage Patch dolls—some, lying in repose in their cribs, others staring wide-eyed in their floppily-staged poses.
在前厅，我们参观了一个托儿所/博物馆，里面有老式的卷心菜娃娃——有些娃娃静静地躺在婴儿床上，另一些则睁大眼睛，摆出松软的姿势。
My daughters alternate between laughing and cringing with unease.
我的女儿们时而大笑，时而不安地畏缩。
Prints of Andy Warhol paintings featuring Cabbage Patch children adorn the walls.
墙壁上装饰着安迪·沃霍尔 (Andy Warhol) 的画作，其中以卷心菜补丁 (Cabbage Patch) 儿童为主题。
A title card informs visitors that the original paintings are held in the Cabbage Patch company’s private collection without elaborating further.
一张标题卡告诉参观者，原画是 Cabbage Patch 公司的私人收藏，但没有进一步说明。
Along the back wall of the hospital, as in an ancient procession, the ground becomes more sacred.
沿着医院的后墙，就像在古老的游行中一样，地面变得更加神圣。
Here resides a faux-earthen mound, several feet high, made of painted plaster with geode caves recessed inside—the stuff of ‘60s-era TV sci-fi or Jim Henson’s Labyrinth .
这里有一个人造土丘，有几英尺高，由彩绘石膏制成，内部凹进晶洞——这是 60 年代电视科幻小说或吉姆·汉森的迷宫中的场景。
Sprinkled around the mound are cabbage leaf sprouts from which protrude Cabbage Patch doll heads.
土堆周围散布着卷心菜叶芽，卷心菜娃娃的头从芽中伸出。
If you pluck a baby from this mound, a cashier will ring it up for a mere $60, roughly double the doll’s retail price.
如果你从这个土堆里捡到一个婴儿，收银员只会以 60 美元的价格售出，大约是娃娃零售价的两倍。
It’s like apple picking, where you pay for the pleasure of harvesting your own pretend child.
这就像摘苹果一样，你为收获自己假装的孩子的乐趣而付出代价。
“So, it’s basically just a big gift shop?” my older daughter asks.
“那么，它基本上只是一家大型礼品店？”我的大女儿问道。
“Looks like it,” I reply, not understanding what we’re about to witness.
“看起来是这样，”我回答道，不明白我们将要目睹什么。
A nurse’s voice comes over the PA system: “Everyone, please come to Mother Cabbage.
扩音系统中传来护士的声音：“大家到白菜妈妈那里来。
Mother Cabbage is about to go into labor.” She speaks urgently, like a real nurse, rather than a checkout clerk.
白菜妈妈要临产了。”她说话急切，就像一个真正的护士，而不是收银员。
A birthing ceremony is about to commence.
一场诞生仪式即将开始。
Herd-like, a hundred or more visitors—toddlers, children, parents, grandparents, myself and my family—move toward the center of the plaster mound where a large synthetic tree stretches plastic branches toward the ceiling.
一百多名游客——幼儿、孩子、父母、祖父母、我自己和我的家人——像羊群一样向石膏土堆的中心移动，那里有一棵巨大的合成树，将塑料树枝伸向天花板。
Its leaves begin to scintillate with little rainbows of light.
它的叶子开始闪烁着彩虹般的光芒。
This is the Magic Crystal Tree that indicates when Mother Cabbage is about to give birth.
这就是预示白菜妈妈即将分娩的魔晶树。
As with many sacred mysteries, it isn’t entirely clear what constitutes Mother Cabbage — whether it’s the tree, or the mound, or the hole that’s about to birth a doll.
与许多神圣的谜团一样，我们并不完全清楚卷心菜妈妈的构成是什么——无论是树、土丘，还是即将诞生娃娃的洞。
The Cabbage Patch children buried neck-deep in this section of the plaster mound are electronic; they twist and swivel their heads in permanent smiles like a scene from Dante’s Animatronic Inferno .
埋在石膏堆的这部分深至颈部的“卷心菜补丁”儿童是电子的；他们扭动着头，脸上永远挂着微笑，就像但丁的电子动画地狱中的场景一样。
Del Harper/Shutterstock Once children and adults gather like supplicants around the base of Mother Cabbage, an employee ascends the dais above and behind the plaster mound.
Del Harper/Shutterstock 一旦儿童和成人像恳求者一样聚集在“白菜妈妈”的底部，一名员工就会登上石膏堆上方和后方的讲台。
She wears medical scrubs like the other employees, but hers are white.
她和其他员工一样都穿着医用工作服，但她的是白色的。
A flesh-colored microphone is taped to her cheek.
她的脸颊上贴着一个肉色的麦克风。
She walks with the bearing of one entrusted with sacred rites—the oracle of Delphi cosplaying as a nurse from the 1940s.
她走路时的举止就像被赋予神圣仪式的人一样——20 世纪 40 年代德尔菲神谕中扮演护士的角色。
The Delphic oracle examines Mother Cabbage, but what she’s examining isn’t visible to the faithful.
德尔斐神谕检查了卷心菜妈妈，但她所检查的内容对信徒来说是不可见的。
She pulls out what appears to be a large metal caliper, the kind that was once used for dragging fresh-sawed blocks of ice out of lakes in New England.
她拿出一个看起来像是大型金属卡尺的东西，这种卡尺曾经用于从新英格兰的湖泊中拖出新锯的冰块。
She measures.
她测量。
“I just want to make sure that Mother Cabbage is fully dilated to 10 cabbage leaves,” she explains.
“我只是想确保卷心菜妈妈完全膨胀到 10 片卷心菜叶子，”她解释道。
She measures in one direction, adjusts the caliper, and measures the other direction.
她朝一个方向测量，调整卡尺，然后测量另一方向。
“She is fully dilated,” she continues.
“她已经完全扩张了，”她继续说道。
“Mother Cabbage is ready to give birth.”
“白菜妈妈已经准备好生产了。”
I glance at my daughters.
我看了一眼我的女儿们。
Their rapt attention is leavened with a pinch of fear.
他们的全神贯注中夹杂着一丝恐惧。
They have never heard of dilation.
他们从未听说过扩张。
The nurse/priestess hangs a bag of blue tinted liquid from a hook above her head.
护士/女祭司将一袋蓝色液体挂在头上的钩子上。
“It’s time to give Mother Cabbage her imagicillin ,” she informs us.
“是时候给卷心菜妈妈服用伊马西林了，”她告诉我们。
“It’s made from TLC and will help Mother Cabbage deliver the baby.” Magic words are invoked.
“它是用 TLC 制成的，可以帮助白菜妈妈生孩子。”魔法词被召唤。
Fake injections are given to the plaster mound.
对石膏堆进行假注射。
The blue liquid drips down a clear plastic tube.
蓝色液体沿着透明塑料管滴下。
She peers down into the magic cabbage chasm.
她凝视着神奇的卷心菜峡谷。
“I can see the baby,” she says.
“我可以看到孩子，”她说。
“It means that our interns remembered to fertilize that part of the garden this morning.”
“这意味着我们的实习生今天早上记得给花园的那部分施肥。”
“It’s almost time for the baby to arrive.
“快到宝宝出生的时间了。
I need all of you to help Mother Cabbage give birth.
我需要你们所有人帮助白菜妈妈生孩子。
Are you ready to help?”
你准备好帮忙了吗？”
“When I say ‘go,’ I need all of you to yell, ‘PUSH!
“当我说‘走’时，我需要你们所有人大喊‘推！
PUSH!
推！
PUSH!’ Ready?
按下！’准备好了吗？
Go!”
走吧！
The assembled mass of children zealously shout “PUSH!” The shouts are scattered and disorganized at first, then find a common rhythm, so that the chant increases in strength, volume, and ferocity.
聚集在一起的孩子们热情地喊着“PUSH！”喊叫声一开始是零散、杂乱的，后来找到共同的节奏，使喊声的强度、音量和凶猛程度增强。
PUSH!
推！
PUSH!
推！
PUSH!
推！
The incantation grows.
咒语增长。
The faithful pump their toddler fists and sway, pleading with the plush baby to emerge from the dilated tree vagina, as the Dante robot heads swivel and writhe.
当但丁机器人的头旋转和扭动时，忠实的信徒们挥舞着他们蹒跚学步的拳头并摇摆着，恳求毛绒婴儿从扩张的树阴道中出来。
The nurse/priestess signals for quiet.
护士/女祭司示意安静。
She reaches deep into the chasm and pulls out an entirely unremarkable, blond-haired, Cabbage Patch doll.
她把手伸进裂缝深处，拿出一个完全不起眼的金发娃娃。
She snips a pair of scissors to sever the imaginary umbilical cord, forever separating the doll from Mother Cabbage.
她剪断了一把剪刀，切断了想象中的脐带，将娃娃与卷心菜妈妈永远分开。
The nurse makes the doll wave at the crowd.
护士向人群挥手示意娃娃。
The children squeal with delight.
孩子们高兴得尖叫起来。
My daughters, trying to process the anticlimax, look at me perplexedly.
我的女儿们正试图应对这种反高潮，困惑地看着我。
Was that it?
是这样吗？
Did we miss something?
我们错过了什么吗？
The adopted doll is handed to the child whose parents purchased it, and the crowd disperses.
领养的娃娃被交给父母购买的孩子，人群散去。
Kelly Verdeck/Flickr Every Cabbage Patch Kid birthed at Babyland has the name “Xavier Roberts,” the doll’s supposed creator, stamped, NXIVM-style, on the left cheek of its buttocks.
Kelly Verdeck/Flickr 每一个在 Babyland 出生的卷心菜娃娃的臀部左脸颊上都有一个名字“泽维尔·罗伯茨”（Xavier Roberts），这个娃娃的创造者，采用 NXIVM 风格的印记。
Roberts was involved in a lawsuit in 1985 brought by a woman who claimed Roberts stole the idea for soft plush dolls from her after he’d seen her exhibit her own version of the doll at a mountain arts festival.
1985 年，罗伯茨卷入了一场由一名女士提起的诉讼，该女士声称罗伯茨在一次山区艺术节上看到她展示了自己版本的娃娃后，窃取了她制作柔软毛绒娃娃的创意。
The lawsuit settled out of court.
该诉讼庭外和解。
Whatever the lore, Babyland General Hospital is entirely devoid of irony.
无论传说如何，巴比兰德综合医院完全没有讽刺意味。
They are fully committed to the bit, without a whiff of self-satire.
他们全心全意地投入其中，没有一丝自嘲的味道。
This is an immersive birth experience for a floppy baby doll.
这是一个软娃娃娃娃的身临其境的出生体验。
Not to say the place is without guile.
并不是说这个地方没有任何诡计。
They are very much committed to pumping money out of visitors.
他们非常致力于从游客身上赚到钱。
Everything, everywhere is for sale.
任何地方的一切都可以出售。
But unlike Disneyland , where the commercial enterprise is contrived to be a part of a grander experience—a roller coaster, a carnival of fun, so that the faithful might buy their mouse-eared indulgences along with an afternoon of entertainment—Babyland is very much about ceremonializing the purchasing of their product, and little else.
但与迪士尼乐园不同的是，迪士尼乐园的商业企业被设计成一种更宏伟的体验的一部分——过山车、欢乐嘉年华，以便忠实的人们可以在下午的娱乐活动中购买他们的鼠耳放纵品——Babyland主要是为了仪式化购买他们的产品，除此之外别无其他。
There are no rides or games.
没有游乐设施或游戏。
There are only mountains of toys to buy, and a Mother Cabbage birthing ceremony, which you can either purchase for yourself or watch with envy for someone else.
只有堆积如山的玩具和白菜妈妈的诞生仪式，你可以自己购买，也可以羡慕地看着别人。
In our hyper-capitalistic society, revenue can make a compelling case for anything.
在我们这个高度资本主义的社会中，收入可以为任何事情提供令人信服的理由。
Nothing is sacred, and equally, nothing is profane.
没有什么是神圣的，同样，也没有什么是亵渎的。
Human birth, as a subject, is fairly traumatic, in my experience.
根据我的经验，人类的出生作为一个主题，是相当痛苦的。
I remember my wife’s face jaundiced-yellow from loss of blood, the doctor stitching her perineal rupture, asking me if our baby was alright as the ICU nurses pumped meconium out of our daughter’s tiny alien blue mouth.
我记得我妻子的脸因失血而呈黄疸色，医生缝合她的会阴破裂处，问我我们的孩子是否还好，而重症监护病房的护士则从我们女儿那蓝色的小嘴里吸出胎便。
For our younger daughter, a C-section, my wife herself was a burst-open chasm, which I peered toward with fear as I was invited to the other side of the curtain to snip the umbilical cord myself.
对于我们剖腹产的小女儿来说，我的妻子本身就是一道裂开的鸿沟，当我被邀请到窗帘的另一边亲自剪断脐带时，我充满恐惧地凝视着它。
I remember entrails piled on the operating table next to her, but research tells me this isn’t something they do during a C-section.
我记得她旁边的手术台上堆满了内脏，但研究告诉我，这不是他们在剖腹产时所做的事情。
Perhaps they were blood-soaked towels or something.
也许它们是沾满血的毛巾什么的。
They are entrails in my memory, however, and always will be.
然而，它们是我记忆中的内脏，而且永远都是。
Like some kind of suburban faux war veteran, I find myself shaking my head as this violence is transmogrified into entertainment for children.
就像某种郊区的假战争老兵一样，当这种暴力变成了孩子们的娱乐时，我发现自己摇着头。
My daughters appraised the Babyland birthing ceremony as, “Interesting, but a little weird.” Predictably, they bullied my wife and me into buying a pair of cheap, smaller-sized, plastic-headed Cabbage Patch dolls from the bargain bins near the door in order to properly commemorate the experience.
我的女儿们评价巴比兰的出生仪式是：“有趣，但有点奇怪。”不出所料，他们胁迫我和妻子从门口的便宜货箱里买了一对便宜的、尺寸较小的、塑料头的菜娃娃娃娃，以适当地纪念这次经历。
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