I Loved “Texas Chain Saw Massacre” Before I Loved Myself - Electric Literature
I have a set of cigarette burns zagging up my right arm.
我的右臂上有一处香烟烧伤。
I don’t talk about them to friends—there are mainly two reasons you get burned in that particular way, and neither are good.
我不会和朋友谈论这些——主要有两个原因让你以这种特定的方式被烧伤，但都不是好事。
They’re red and angry-looking, like wasps’ stings, and they’re right above my wrist which means I can’t hide them.
它们是红色的，看起来很愤怒，就像黄蜂的刺，它们就在我的手腕上方，这意味着我无法隐藏它们。
The burns sit out in the open for everyone to see.
烧伤处暴露在外，让每个人都能看到。
I could say they’re beautiful, but there are some things that should never be recuperated.
我可以说它们很美丽，但有些东西永远不应该恢复。
I will say the cigarette burns are stunning, though.
不过，我想说的是，香烟烧伤的效果令人震惊。
As in: they stun.
就像：他们晕倒了。
They stun others when they realize what they are, and they stunned me when I put the cigarette to my arm.
当他们意识到自己是什么时，他们让其他人震惊，当我把香烟放在手臂上时，他们让我震惊。
They stunned the staff at the psych ward as they completed my intake paperwork.
当他们完成我的入院文书时，他们让精神病房的工作人员感到震惊。
The anti-burn cream smeared onto my arm every morning stung when it touched me, and I’d wince as it was applied.
每天早上涂在我手臂上的抗烧伤霜一碰到我就会感到刺痛，涂上它时我会皱起眉头。
The Texas Chain Saw Massacre remake came out one day before the United Nations affirmed, for the third time, the importance of US troops in Iraq and the duty of the rest of the West to contribute to the war as well.
《德克萨斯电锯大屠杀》重拍版上映前一天，联合国第三次确认美军在伊拉克的重要性以及西方其他国家也有义务为这场战争做出贡献。
On TV, commercials for the 2003 movie aired between those for dive-bombing jets, armed forces rappelling down a rock wall, desert fatigues.
电视上播放了 2003 年电影的广告，广告中展示了俯冲轰炸机、武装部队从岩壁上垂下、穿着沙漠迷彩服。
The film reflected all of that, MTV-style sheen slicked across the screen and dirty browns and tans running everywhere and gore filling every second.
这部电影反映了所有这些，MTV 风格的光泽在屏幕上光滑，肮脏的棕色和棕褐色到处都是，每一秒都充满血腥。
It opens with a hitchhiker who seems to have been sexually assaulted—blood running between her legs—blowing her brains out in the back of the main characters’ van.
影片以一名似乎遭到性侵犯的搭便车的人开始，她的双腿间流着血，在主角的货车后座上，她的脑部被炸飞。
Then, the film escalates to a menacing sheriff licking his lips over her dead body with a necrophiliac longing.
然后，影片升级为一位凶恶的警长带着恋尸癖的渴望舔着她的尸体。
Watching the movie on Netflix years later with a friend I was fucking—a girl who whimpered during the scary parts, liked to be hit hard, and walked with me to get ice cream the first time we had sex—I shut it off after thirty minutes.
几年后，我和一个正在做爱的朋友在 Netflix 上看这部电影——一个在可怕的部分中呜咽的女孩，喜欢被重击，第一次做爱时就和我一起走去买冰淇淋——三十分钟后我把它关掉了。
I couldn’t bear any more.
我再也无法忍受了。
I didn’t even think it was a unique misery: everyone hated their bodies, I thought.
我什至不认为这是一种独特的痛苦：我想每个人都讨厌自己的身体。
Maybe I hated it so much because the original Texas Chain Saw Massacre , the one that came out almost exactly fifty years ago, is my most-loved movie.
也许我非常讨厌它，因为原版《德州电锯杀人狂》几乎是五十年前上映的，是我最喜欢的电影。
It’s not the one I often tell people is my most-loved: the title tends to turn people off.
这不是我经常告诉人们我最喜欢的一个：这个标题往往会让人们失去兴趣。
What they picture is something closer to the remake: a blunt object, a leering gaze, a body turned into an object to be fucked or cut up with nothing in-between.
他们所描绘的东西更接近重拍：一个生硬的物体，一个斜视的目光，一个身体变成了一个被性交或切割的物体，中间没有任何中间的东西。
Instead, for the longest time, I’d tell people I loved art-house films most: the movies of Apitchatpong Weerasutakhul or Ingmar Bergman or Terrence Malick or any other director who specialized in long, winding, thoughtful shots and barely restrained emotions.
相反，在很长一段时间里，我会告诉人们我最喜欢艺术电影：阿皮察邦·韦拉苏塔胡尔、英格玛·伯格曼、泰伦斯·马利克或任何其他擅长长篇、曲折、深思熟虑的镜头和几乎不克制情感的导演的电影。
And I do love those films.
我确实喜欢这些电影。
But of all the movies I’ve seen, I’ve seen Chain Saw the most — a revving engine of a film, sick and quick and all deep reds.
但在我看过的所有电影中，《电锯惊魂》是我看过最多的——一部电影的加速引擎，病态而快速，全是深红色。
This is how it worked: first I loved it, and then I loved myself.
它是这样运作的：首先我爱它，然后我爱我自己。
I first watched The Texas Chain Saw Massacre in high school during the brief window when full movies were first uploaded to YouTube, the image 240p and broken up into six parts to circumvent YouTube’s then-fifteen-minute video limit.
我第一次观看《德州电锯杀人狂》是在高中时期，当时完整的电影首次上传到 YouTube，图像为 240p，分为六部分，以规避 YouTube 当时的 15 分钟视频限制。
I lived at a residential school then and started it in my dorm room between second and third period, finishing the movie after chemistry lab.
当时我住在一所寄宿学校，在第二节和第三节之间在我的宿舍里开始拍摄，在化学实验室后完成了这部电影。
I was miserable in school but it was a misery I couldn’t even name.
我在学校过得很痛苦，但那是一种我什至无法形容的痛苦。
I didn’t even think it was a unique misery: everyone hated their bodies, I thought.
我什至不认为这是一种独特的痛苦：我想每个人都讨厌自己的身体。
Everyone pictured themselves sliding into a lake and not coming out again.
每个人都想象自己滑进湖里，再也没有出来。
I watched the movie because it had been framed online as an endurance exercise; if I could endure The Texas Chain Saw Massacre , I thought, it would distract me from the life I was trying to endure too.
我看这部电影是因为它在网上被定义为耐力练习；我想，如果我能忍受《德州电锯大屠杀》，它也会分散我对我试图忍受的生活的注意力。
What I didn’t expect was how the film looked, shining bright even through digital grain.
我没想到的是这部电影的外观，即使透过数字颗粒也闪闪发光。
Fields of tall grasses rippled slowly in the breeze.
田野里长满了高高的草丛，在微风中缓缓地荡漾着。
A car rumbled down the highway, exhaust exhaling behind it like a ghost.
一辆汽车在高速公路上轰隆隆地行驶，尾气像幽灵一样在车后喷出。
And at the moment that Sally Hardesty, the movie’s beleaguered protagonist, is held captive at the cannibal family’s dinner table, grandfather preparing to hit her with a hammer, the film zooms in unexpectedly on one of her eyes flitting around in fear, and the iris was the most verdant green I’d ever seen.
当电影中陷入困境的主角莎莉·哈迪斯蒂被囚禁在食人家庭的餐桌上，祖父准备用锤子打她时，影片意外地放大了她的一只眼睛，她的眼睛在恐惧中闪烁，虹膜是我见过的最翠绿的绿色。
I had been in North Carolina for just over nine years at that point.
那时我在北卡罗来纳州呆了九年多。
I hated the state.
我讨厌国家。
I missed the icy sharpness of Pennsylvania, the way Lake Erie froze over completely every winter, waves still mid-crest.
我怀念宾夕法尼亚州的冰冷，伊利湖每年冬天都会完全结冰，波浪仍然在波峰中间。
I missed the emerald jungles of St. Thomas in the Virgin Islands, where I spent the first four years of my life.
我怀念维尔京群岛圣托马斯的翠绿丛林，我在那里度过了人生的头四年。
North Carolina didn’t have the cold beauty of the Northeast and it didn’t have the shimmeringly blue seas and white beaches of the Caribbean.
北卡罗来纳州没有东北部的冷峻之美，也没有加勒比海波光粼粼的蓝色大海和白色沙滩。
It just had swamps on the eastern part of the state where my parents lived and brush and loblolly pine in the middle where the school was.
我父母居住的州东部有沼泽，学校所在的中部有灌木丛和火炬松。
And worse than that, everywhere you looked there were hicks, drawls hanging off their words like a busted door hinge.
更糟糕的是，到处都是乡巴佬，他们说话拖拖拉拉的，就像坏掉的门铰链一样。
I expected Texas Chain Saw Massacre, with its rural cannibals and grindhouse title, to just reaffirm my existing prejudices.
我原以为《德州电锯杀人狂》及其乡村食人者和磨坊标题会再次证实我现有的偏见。
The South was ugly, I thought; it looked ugly, and its people acted ugly, and I wanted a film that would reflect that.
我想，南方很丑陋。它看起来很丑陋，人们的行为也很丑陋，我想要一部能够反映这一点的电影。
I watched to endure it, but also to confirm what I already knew: my new home sucked.
我看着忍受它，但也证实了我已经知道的事情：我的新家很糟糕。
The Texas Chain Saw Massacre was short, straightforward, part of the reason I was able to finish the movie in just two chunks between classes.
《德州电锯杀人狂》简短、直接，这也是我在课间只用两块时间就能看完这部电影的部分原因。
A group of hippies from the local college town set out to visit their grandfather’s old property.
一群来自当地大学城的嬉皮士出发去参观他们祖父的旧宅。
They pick up a hitchhiker, who sets a picture of them on fire and tries to slice at them with a knife; they kick the hitchhiker out of their van.
他们搭载了一名搭便车的人，后者点燃了他们的照片，并试图用刀砍他们；他们把搭便车的人从货车里踢了出来。
They stop at a gas station to fill up and have a brief conversation with the proprietor, who’s also a barbeque cook; the man leers as they drive away.
他们在一个加油站停下来加油，并与老板（也是一名烧烤厨师）进行了简短的交谈。当他们开车离开时，那个男人斜视着。
They visit their grandfather’s house, and then slowly everyone drifts to the house behind their grandfather’s, where a family of workers laid off from the local slaughterhouse live.
他们参观了祖父的房子，然后慢慢地每个人都来到了祖父后面的房子，那里住着一个从当地屠宰场下岗的工人家庭。
The hitchhiker is there.
搭便车的人就在那里。
A grandfather who looks centuries old is there.
那里有一位看起来有数百年历史的祖父。
Leatherface, a six foot seven murderer in cowboy boots and a mask made out of human skin, is there.
皮脸是一名六英尺七英寸的凶手，穿着牛仔靴，戴着人皮面具，就在那里。
Eventually the gas station cook is there.
最后，加油站厨师来了。
Quickly, everyone but Sally dies, leaving her screaming and laughing alone, splattered in blood, in a flatbed truck speeding away from the house at dawn.
很快，除了莎莉之外，所有人都死了，只剩下她一个人尖叫着笑着，浑身是血，坐在一辆平板卡车里，黎明时分从房子里飞驰而去。
It’s over in just eighty minutes.
仅仅八十分钟就结束了。
At the residential school, we looked at slides of pond water through multi-chambered microscopes donated by Duke University up the road.
在寄宿学校，我们通过杜克大学捐赠的多室显微镜观察了池塘水的幻灯片。
We picked apart frozen cat bodies, peeling back the muscles on a leg one by one to reveal the femur, the tibia, the stiff ankle bones, the phalanges.
我们把冰冻的猫尸体拆开，把腿上的肌肉一一剥开，露出股骨、胫骨、僵硬的踝骨、指骨。
It was a free school, built on the run-down grounds of a former hospital, and one that had been wiggled into the state university system: our student IDs, we were told, could get us into any library or science lab we wanted access to.
这是一所免费学校，建在一家前医院的破旧场地上，并且已被纳入州立大学系统：我们被告知，我们的学生证可以让我们进入任何我们想要进入的图书馆或科学实验室。
We were the pride of the state, the best it had to offer.
我们是国家的骄傲，是国家所能提供的最好的。
I’d wake every morning to birdsong.
每天早上我都会在鸟鸣声中醒来。
I pictured the plains and thatchy backwoods of Texas, and a preemptive longing for where I already was crept over me.
我想象着德克萨斯州的平原和茅草丛生的偏僻树林，以及对我已经身处的地方的一种先发制人的渴望。
Because of its low budget, much of The Texas Chain Saw Massacre was shot with natural lighting, which is part of what lends an eerie prettiness to the surroundings: their world, with its scrabble of brush and dust smeared everywhere and slowly setting sun, looks just like ours.
由于预算较低，《德州电锯杀人狂》的大部分场景都是在自然光下拍摄的，这也为周围环境增添了一种怪异的美感：他们的世界到处都是乱七八糟的灌木丛和灰尘，还有慢慢落下的太阳，看起来就像我们的世界一样。
A couple in their mid-twenties gently pushes the long amber grasses to the side to explore a neighbor’s house.
一对二十多岁的夫妇轻轻地把长长的琥珀色草推到一边去探索邻居的房子。
House spiders weave webs, fibers shining in the afternoon light.
家蜘蛛织网，纤维在午后的阳光下闪闪发光。
At night things purple under dim moonlight, and in evening the film is heavy with sun, bright and sticky as a melting blood orange.
晚上，昏暗的月光下，东西呈紫色，晚上的胶片在阳光下显得很浓重，明亮而粘稠，就像融化的血橙一样。
Texas isn’t North Carolina, but at that moment I started to see both as not just ugly but gorgeous as well, decentering in their breadth.
德克萨斯州不是北卡罗来纳州，但从那时起，我开始认为这两个州不仅丑陋，而且华丽，在广度上是偏心的。
There, the trees and low shrubs have seen everything.
在那里，树木和低矮的灌木丛见证了一切。
There’s nothing that doesn’t promise to blossom, in one way or another, into an intimacy intractable in its depths.
没有什么不能以这样或那样的方式，在其深处发展出一种难以驾驭的亲密关系。
I entered the movie wanting to be scared because I dealt with my problems at the time by being scared.
我进入电影时想要感到害怕，因为我当时通过害怕来处理我的问题。
Otherwise, I’d feel too needy, too vulnerable and exposed.
否则，我会感到太需要帮助、太脆弱、太暴露。
But that which entrances us and frightens us is so often the same.
但令我们着迷并令我们恐惧的事物往往都是相同的。
I hated the South, feared being Southern myself even, but in Chain Saw, everyone talks with an accent—even the heroes.
我讨厌南方，甚至害怕自己成为南方人，但在《电锯惊魂》中，每个人说话都带着口音——甚至是英雄。
Everyone walks through the grasses, runs through hardscrabble Southern trees.
每个人都穿过草地，穿过南方贫瘠的树木。
It’s not whether you’re from the South or not that matters, the movie seemed to be saying: it’s what you do with it, and how you or others are hurt despite it.
这部电影似乎在说，重要的不是你是否来自南方：重要的是你用它做了什么，以及你或其他人如何受到伤害。
The South is like everywhere else: both fucked and beautiful, indefensible and resplendent at the same time.
南方就像其他地方一样：既肮脏又美丽，既无可防御又辉煌。
I don’t know if these themes were intended.
我不知道这些主题是否是故意的。
The Texas Chain Saw Massacre was a film notoriously shot on the fly; director Tobe Hooper stayed up all night shooting the last twenty minutes of the movie, and no one washed their clothes through the whole shoot because they couldn’t afford second outfits and were scared of them being stolen from the local laundromat.
《德州电锯杀人狂》是一部以即时拍摄而闻名的电影。导演托比·胡珀 (Tobe Hooper) 熬夜拍摄电影的最后二十分钟，整个拍摄过程中没有人洗衣服，因为他们买不起第二套衣服，而且害怕衣服被从当地自助洗衣店偷走。
All the rotting animal parts in the film were real and by wrap day everyone was nauseous from the smell.
影片中所有腐烂的动物器官都是真实的，到了杀青日，每个人都闻到了恶心的味道。
The film couldn’t even afford stunt people, so in a scene where Sally Hardesty jumps out a second floor window, the script consultant pulled on a blonde wig and did the jump herself, twisting an ankle in the process.
这部电影甚至请不起特技演员，所以在莎莉·哈迪斯蒂从二楼窗户跳下的场景中，剧本顾问戴上一顶金色假发，亲自跳下，在这个过程中扭伤了脚踝。
I don’t even know if the movie was intended to look as beautiful as it does; maybe its starkness just came from a budget constraint that aged especially well, the same way that the cheaply-recorded folk albums from the ’70s sound less dated than the studio schmaltz a big budget could get you.
我什至不知道这部电影的初衷是不是想看起来那么美丽；也许它的赤裸裸只是来自于预算限制，而且预算限制特别长，就像70年代廉价录制的民谣专辑听起来比大预算给你带来的Schmaltz录音室要不那么过时一样。
In filming, it seems, there was little thinking involved; the whole movie instead just existed as an experience.
在拍摄过程中，似乎没有什么思考；整部电影只是作为一种体验而存在。
When the shoot was over, the rumor goes, the crew made shirts that said “I survived shooting Texas Chain Saw Massacre!”
有传言称，拍摄结束后，剧组制作了衬衫，上面写着“我在拍摄《德州电锯杀人狂》时幸存下来！”
But ultimately I’m not interested in intention.
但最终我对意图不感兴趣。
I felt things watching the movie, and those I showed it to also felt things.
我在看电影时感受到了一些东西，而那些我看电影的人也感受到了一些东西。
We talked about it afterwards, everyone offering their different interpretations as to what Chain Saw —loud, intimate—was about.
后来我们讨论了这个问题，每个人都对《电锯惊魂》——大声、亲密——的含义提出了不同的解释。
With a girl from my MFA I would start dating just weeks after we watched the movie, Chain Saw became a film centering animal rights abuses.
在我们看完电影几周后，我就开始和我的艺术硕士女孩约会，《电锯》成为一部以侵犯动物权利为中心的电影。
We had just shared a joint, wound up and electric with energy.
我们刚刚共用了一个关节，上紧发条，充满能量。
“See?” I said, pointing to the shots of a slaughterhouse where the cannibal family used to work.
“看？”我指着食人族曾经工作过的屠宰场的照片说道。
“They’re treating the humans like cattle.
“他们对待人类就像对待牛一样。
Anyone who can’t keep up with the demands of an ableist society gets killed.” With an ex I fell back in love with over the pandemic, it was a film about feminized labor, and even transness.
任何无法满足体能社会要求的人都会被杀。”这是一部关于女性化劳动，甚至跨性别者的电影，我在疫情期间重新爱上了一位前任。
Leatherface, the person who ostensibly does the killing in the family, is also the softest member.
莱瑟菲斯表面上是家族中的杀人凶手，但实际上也是最温柔的成员。
He wears masks made of human skin but covers them in eyeshadow and lipstick and is viciously bullied by his siblings for not fitting into what they think a man should be.
他戴着人皮面具，但上面涂着眼影和口红，并因不符合他们认为的男人应有的形象而受到兄弟姐妹的恶毒欺负。
“He dressed up for you,” Leatherface’s brother cries mockingly to Sally as she’s held captive at the dinner table, and it’s hard to say who he’s making fun of more.
“他是为了你才打扮的。”当莎莉被囚禁在餐桌上时，莱瑟菲斯的哥哥嘲笑她，很难说他是在取笑谁。
My partner and I saw the film as being about disability and being different.
我和我的搭档认为这部电影是关于残疾和与众不同的。
There are two families in the movie, the killers and the killed, and both of them have disabled characters at their core.
电影中有两个家庭，凶手和被杀者，他们的核心都是残疾人。
Franklin, Sally’s brother who rides in a van with the rest of the victims, uses a wheelchair and is constantly berated by his peers.
莎莉的兄弟富兰克林与其他受害者一起乘坐一辆面包车，他使用轮椅，经常受到同龄人的斥责。
Leatherface, who doesn’t even speak or show his face outside of a mask, appears to have some sort of developmental disability, and is kicked and hit and beat by his older brother as he whimpers in pain.
莱瑟菲斯在面具之外甚至不说话，也不露脸，似乎有某种发育障碍，他被他的哥哥踢、打、殴打，痛苦地呜咽着。
More than anything, though, I saw a movie about the South, and coming to love it despite everything fearful that happens there.
但最重要的是，我看了一部关于南方的电影，并且爱上了它，尽管那里发生了一切可怕的事情。
Maybe this wasn’t the film’s doing, but something changed in me the first time after watching it.
也许这不是电影的原因，但在我第一次看完它之后，我的内心发生了一些变化。
As I’d walk down the sun-dappled streets of Durham, where the residential school was—sometimes heading to my therapist’s office, sometimes just walking to get a lavender milkshake from the malt shop on West Broad Street—I pictured the plains and thatchy backwoods of Texas, and a preemptive longing for where I already was crept over me.
当我走在寄宿学校所在的达勒姆阳光斑驳的街道上时——有时前往我的治疗师办公室，有时只是步行去西布罗德街的麦芽店买一杯薰衣草奶昔——我想象着德克萨斯州的平原和茅草丛生的偏僻树林，以及对我已经爬过的地方的一种先发制人的渴望。
Around me sprang tall reaching trees and bullfrogs.
我周围出现了高大的树木和牛蛙。
Cardinals and thrushes chirruped from telephone poles, sun-warmed cricks everywhere.
红雀和画眉鸟在电线杆上叽叽喳喳地叫着，到处都是阳光温暖的鸟儿。
From the instrument repair shop run out of a trailer off Broad, staticky country music drifted over the radio.
从布罗德附近的乐器修理店开出一辆拖车，收音机里飘来静电般的乡村音乐。
My parents moved to North Carolina for work when I was in third grade, and it wasn’t until I saw the movie that I realized the South, not Pennsylvania, not St Thomas, was my home.
我三年级时，我的父母搬到北卡罗来纳州工作，直到我看了这部电影，我才意识到南方，而不是宾夕法尼亚州，不是圣托马斯，才是我的家。
Chain Saw felt like something emerging, fully formed, from a bog, and I was emerging too, albeit much more slowly.
电锯感觉就像有什么东西从沼泽中浮现出来，完全成形，我也在浮现，尽管速度要慢得多。
And who hasn’t fallen in love with the place where they realized who they were?
谁没有爱上他们认识自己的地方？
Who hasn’t made a home out of fear without in some way loving that fear, too?
谁不是因为恐惧而建立了家，却又以某种方式热爱这种恐惧呢？
There are marks that are left on us, and there are marks we leave on ourselves, and I’m not sure there’s a significant difference between the two.
我们身上留下了一些痕迹，我们自己也留下了一些痕迹，我不确定两者之间是否有显着差异。
The South shaped me, and the South hurt me, but I’m Southern nonetheless.
南方塑造了我，南方伤害了我，但我仍然是南方人。
Maybe there’s no difference at all.
也许根本没有区别。
To know a place is to be hurt by that place and to grow up is to hurt that place in its own ways too.
了解一个地方就意味着受到那个地方的伤害，而成长也意味着以它自己的方式伤害那个地方。
Until I turned sixteen, I treated the South with a smug superiority, one that cut me off from who I was.
在我十六岁之前，我对南方抱有一种自鸣得意的优越感，这种优越感使我与自己隔绝了。
Because I grew up there, the South left its sticky summery marks on me, and then once I rejected it I left my marks on me too.
因为我在那里长大，南方在我身上留下了粘稠的夏日印记，而一旦我拒绝了它，我也留下了我的印记。
When I set out to watch the movie, I wanted it to hurt like I hurt me.
当我开始看这部电影时，我希望它能像我伤害我一样受伤。
Texas Chain Saw Massacre also drew me in because of how unrelenting it is in its cruelty.
《德州电锯大屠杀》也吸引了我，因为它的残忍程度是多么的无情。
Leatherface spends the film’s end in pain, accidentally chainsawing through his leg after his brother is killed by an 18-wheeler chasing Sally, blood splattering over everything.
电影的最后，莱瑟菲斯在痛苦中度过，在他的兄弟被追赶莎莉的 18 轮车撞死后，他不小心被电锯锯断了腿，鲜血溅满了一切。
The twenty-something protagonists are menanced and turned into meat with alacrity.
二十多岁的主角们被威胁并被迅速变成肉。
Even the heroes are cruel.
即使是英雄也是残酷的。
Sally’s brother Franklin is brilliant, funny and anticipates everything that happens in the movie—but the other people in the van, the ones who die first, hate him.
莎莉的弟弟富兰克林才华横溢、风趣幽默，能预见到电影中发生的一切，但车里的其他人，即先死的人，却讨厌他。
“Franklin’s no fun,” goes the refrain, even though our introduction to Franklin is him being blown out of his wheelchair from the backdraft of a semi and no one rushes to help him as he tumbles down a steep hill into a ditch.
“富兰克林一点也不好玩”，尽管我们对富兰克林的介绍是，他被一辆半挂车的后风从轮椅上吹下来，当他从陡峭的山坡上摔进沟里时，没有人冲上去帮助他。
Even though Franklin is dragged around to ancestral mansions with steep steps he can’t get his wheelchair up and then left behind as his friends run off to go swimming; even though early in the movie he’s cut by the deranged hitchhiker; even though at the halfway point is sawed in half, the most violent death in the movie, by Leatherface.
尽管富兰克林被拖着陡峭的台阶来到祖宅，但他无法抬起轮椅，然后在他的朋友们跑去游泳时被抛在后面；尽管在电影的早期他就被疯狂的搭便车的人打断了；尽管在中途被人皮脸锯成两半，这是电影中最暴力的死亡。
Even the audience hates him: I’ve read review after review about how insufferable and annoying Franklin is, although consistently he’s the only one doing everything right.
甚至观众也讨厌他：我读过一篇又一篇的评论，说富兰克林是多么令人难以忍受和烦人，尽管他一直是唯一一个做事正确的人。
When I first watched Chain Saw , I’d creep into the shared dormitory bathrooms at 2 or 3 AM to hit myself until I started crying and then hit myself more until I stopped feeling anything after that.
当我第一次看《电锯惊魂》时，我会在凌晨两三点偷偷溜进宿舍的共用浴室打自己，直到我开始哭泣，然后再打自己，直到之后不再有任何感觉。
I’d practice cruelty against myself that crept into cruelty against others; a stiffened unapproachability, a studied distance intended to prevent anyone from getting too close.
我对自己的残忍行为逐渐演变成对他人的残忍行为。一种僵化的不可接近的态度，一种刻意的距离，旨在防止任何人靠得太近。
When I set out to watch the movie, I wanted it to hurt like I hurt me.
当我开始看这部电影时，我希望它能像我伤害我一样受伤。
And the movie is cruel, but it’s beautiful too.
这部电影很残酷，但也很美丽。
I found myself in that beauty, but at the time didn’t even know I wanted to be found.
我发现自己处于那种美丽之中，但当时我什至不知道我想被人发现。
Chain Saw was remade again—or remade-cum-sequel’d—in January 2022.
《电锯惊魂》于 2022 年 1 月再次重制，或者说是重制兼续集。
In it, like in every other one of the 8 miserable sequels and remakes, splays of gore and pop nihilism replaced everything I loved in the original.
在这部电影中，就像其他八部悲惨的续集和翻拍片一样，血腥和流行虚无主义的表现取代了原作中我喜欢的一切。
A group of woke teens are massacred on a party bus.
一群醒来的青少年在一辆派对巴士上被屠杀。
A woman’s life is saved due to the Second Amendment, firing away at Leatherface with the shotgun she scorned earlier in the film.
一名妇女的生命因第二修正案而得救，她用她在电影早些时候鄙视的猎枪向莱瑟菲斯开枪。
It’s all reprehensible in a crypto-Republican way, but more than that it’s boring.
从某种意义上来说，这一切都应该受到共和党式的谴责，但更重要的是，它很无聊。
It’s an old story at this point: Hollywood finds a film that’s striking and decides it’s striking for the wrong reason, and then capitalizes off that mistaken assumption.
这是一个老故事了：好莱坞发现一部引人注目的电影，并认为其引人注目的原因是错误的，然后利用这个错误的假设。
That was actually why my friend and I watched the 2003 film: we wanted to see if what we had just seen, the most recent one, was the nadir of the franchise.
这实际上就是我和我的朋友观看 2003 年电影的原因：我们想看看我们刚刚看到的最新电影是否是该系列电影的最低点。
But there’s always a lower level one can sink to.
但总有一个可以下降到的较低水平。
With each rewatch of Chain Saw , I got further away from the me in high school and closer to a me that was loved and safe.
每次重看《电锯惊魂》，我都离高中时的自己越来越远，离被爱和安全的自己更近了。
But even despite this endless progression of worse and worse movies—and I don’t doubt there will be more, worse movies to come—it doesn’t take away from what I love about the original.
但尽管越来越糟糕的电影层出不穷——而且我毫不怀疑还会有更多、更糟糕的电影出现——但这并没有剥夺我对原作的喜爱。
This is because what I love about the original, at least in part, is the way it taught me to love.
这是因为我对原作的热爱，至少部分是因为它教会了我爱的方式。
At the end of the film, Sally is escaping on a speeding flat-bed truck.
影片最后，莎莉乘坐一辆超速行驶的平板卡车逃跑。
Her brother is dead, chainsawed out of his wheelchair by the only other disabled character in the movie.
她的兄弟死了，被电影中唯一的另一个残疾人角色用电锯从轮椅上锯下来。
Her boyfriend is dead.
她的男朋友死了。
Her friends are dead.
她的朋友都死了。
But the movie doesn’t end.
但电影并没有结束。
As she’s laughing in fear and relief, the film cuts to Leatherface who, limping and illuminated in the rising sun, raises the chainsaw first to his side and then above his head and starts to pivot his body like a ballerina.
当她因恐惧和宽慰而大笑时，影片切到了莱瑟菲斯，他一瘸一拐地在初升的阳光下被照亮，他先将电锯举到身边，然后举过头顶，开始像芭蕾舞演员一样旋转身体。
Soon, he’s fully pirouetting, clearly hurt and angry and sad and confused himself.
很快，他就完全旋转起来，明显感到受伤、愤怒、悲伤和困惑。
As the chainsaw brushes against the camera, the film cuts to black, and then finally it’s over—nothing left but his pain and her relief and what they made together from both.
当电锯擦过镜头时，影片切入黑色，最后结束了——除了他的痛苦和她的解脱，以及他们从两者中共同创造的一切，什么也没有留下。
I am sixteen, staring at my laptop in between classes.
我十六岁，在课间盯着我的笔记本电脑。
Someday I will stop hurting myself, but not yet.
总有一天我会停止伤害自己，但还不到时候。
Someday I will learn to love everything I find gorgeous, including myself.
有一天我会学会爱一切我觉得美丽的东西，包括我自己。
I don’t believe that a film’s legacy can really be defined by what happens afterwards towards it—sequels or prequels or bad-acting fans or whatever.
我不认为一部电影的遗产真的可以通过之后发生的事情来定义——续集或前传或表现不佳的粉丝或其他什么。
I think anything you love exists, at least partially, in the moment you first love it.
我认为你所爱的任何东西都存在，至少是部分存在，在你第一次爱它的那一刻。
Maybe that’s why I’d go on to watch the original Chain Saw with so many people I’d love.
也许这就是为什么我会继续和这么多我爱的人一起观看原版《电锯惊魂》。
Beauty can stun too, and sometimes the only thing to do with that is to share it.
美也可以令人惊叹，有时唯一能做的就是分享它。
There can be a thin line between enduring something and finding intimacy with it, after all.
毕竟，忍受某事和与它建立亲密关系之间可能只有一线之隔。
With each rewatch of Chain Saw , I got further away from the me in high school and closer to a me that was loved and safe and in the gleaming present, whole and uninjured.
每次重看《电锯惊魂》，我都离高中时的自己越来越远，离那个被爱、安全、在闪闪发光的当下、完整、未受伤的自己更近了。
I loved Texas Chain Saw, I think, before I loved myself.
我想，在我爱自己之前，我就已经爱《德州电锯》了。
And maybe the two aren’t related, but one did follow the other.
也许两者没有关系，但其中一个确实跟随另一个。
Outside, a cuckoo warbles and the mid-day sun crescents through the dorm’s venetian blinds.
外面，布谷鸟在鸣叫，正午的太阳透过宿舍的百叶窗射进来。
Throwing on my heavy denim jacket, I vault down the stairs to class, arms bruised but not yet burned.
我穿上厚重的牛仔夹克，跳下楼梯去上课，手臂受伤了，但还没有烧伤。
As I leave the dorm building, I look at the state around me—greening leaves, rickety pines, kudzu creeping up the side of a building—and for the first time see it as something not just harsh but also irreducible, beautiful.
当我离开宿舍楼时，我看着周围的景象——绿叶、摇摇欲坠的松树、爬上建筑物一侧的葛藤——我第一次看到它不仅是严酷的，而且是不可还原的、美丽的。
I brush against a stairwell too abruptly, hit a bruise, wince, air sharp and cool as I inhale.
我太突然地擦到了楼梯间，撞到了瘀伤，我皱起眉头，吸气时空气尖锐而凉爽。
It comes into me like birdsong, and eventually I will be free.The croak of leaf-roller crickets starts up, and from a distance they almost sound like a chainsaw’s hum.
它像鸟鸣一样进入我的体内，最终我将获得自由。卷叶蟋蟀的呱呱叫声开始响起，从远处看它们几乎听起来像电锯的嗡嗡声。
I’m starting to know what it means to care so much about something that you share it instead of holding it secret.
我开始明白，如此关心某件事并分享它而不是保守秘密意味着什么。
I’m starting to realize that everything about my life will have to change.
我开始意识到我生活中的一切都必须改变。
It’s bright and yellow outside and the air smells like pine.
外面明亮而黄色，空气中弥漫着松树的味道。
Soon the sun will set, and there will be nothing between me and what will come next.
太阳很快就会落山，接下来的一切将不会阻挡我。
Already the scariest parts of Chain Saw are starting to flash across my eyes: a man pancaked by a semi truck, a body dripping on a meat hook.
《电锯惊魂》中最可怕的部分已经开始在我眼前闪现：一个男人被一辆半挂卡车煎成薄饼，一具尸体滴在肉钩上。
Soon, I will leave the state, hurt myself again in ways I can’t hide.
很快，我就会离开这个国家，以无法隐藏的方式再次伤害自己。
My bruise aches as I breathe in, winding my way towards the dilapidated biology hall.
我吸气时瘀伤疼痛，蜿蜒走向破旧的生物大厅。
There is no place I’d rather be, and that knowledge stings as it comes in.
没有什么地方是我想去的，而这些知识一进来就让我感到刺痛。
Soon I will rewatch the movie again and again.
很快我就会一遍又一遍地重看这部电影。
Soon, I realize, I will be beautiful too.
很快，我意识到，我也会变得美丽。
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