My Writing Education: A Time Line
Tobias Wolff calls my parents’ house in Amarillo, Texas, leaves a message: I’ve been admitted to the Syracuse Creative Writing Program.
托拜厄斯·沃尔夫给我父母位于德克萨斯州阿马里洛的家打电话，留言：我已被雪城大学创意写作项目录取。
I call back, holding Back in the World in my hands.
我回拨电话，手里拿着《回到世界》。
For what seems, in chagrined memory, like eighteen hours, I tell him all of my ideas about Art and list all the things that have been holding me back artistic-development-wise and possibly (God!
在懊恼的记忆中，似乎十八个小时，我告诉了他我对艺术的所有想法，并列出了所有阻碍我艺术发展的事情，甚至可能（上帝！
Yikes!) ask if he ever listens to music while he writes.
哎呀！）问他写作时是否听过音乐。
He’s kind and patient and doesn’t make me feel like an idiot.
他很友善，很有耐心，不会让我觉得自己像个白痴。
I do that myself, once I hang up.
挂断电话后，我自己会这样做。
I arrive in Syracuse with $300, in a 1966 Ford pickup with a camper on the back.
我带着 300 美元抵达锡拉丘兹，开着一辆 1966 年款福特皮卡车，后座是一辆露营车。
Turns out, here in the East, they have this thing called “a security deposit.” For the next two weeks I live out of my truck, showering in the Syracuse gym, moving the Ford around town at night so as not to get nabbed for vagrancy, thinking it might reflect badly on me if I have to call Toby, or Doug Unger, my other future-teacher at Syracuse, and request bail money.
事实证明，在东方这里，他们有一种叫做“保证金”的东西。接下来的两周，我住在卡车里，在锡拉丘兹的健身房里洗澡，晚上开着福特车在城里转来转去，以免因流浪而被抓，我想，如果我必须打电话给托比，或者我在锡拉丘兹未来的另一位老师道格·昂格，要求保释金，这可能会对我造成不好的影响。
One day I walk up to campus.
有一天，我步行到校园。
I stand outside the door of Doug’s office, ogling his nameplate, thinking: “Man, he sometimes sits in there, the guy who wrote Leaving the Land .” At this point in my life, I’ve never actually set eyes on a person who has published a book.
我站在道格办公室的门外，盯着他的铭牌，心想：“伙计，他有时会坐在那里，就是那个写了《离开土地》的人。”在我生命的这个阶段，我从未真正见过出版过书的人。
It is somehow mind-blowing, this notion that the people who write books also, you know, live : go to the store and walk around campus and sit in a particular office and so on.
这在某种程度上令人兴奋，你知道，写书的人也生活着这样的想法：去商店，在校园里走来走去，坐在特定的办公室里等等。
Doug shows up and invites me in.
道格出现并邀请我进去。
We chat awhile, as if we are peers, as if I am a real writer too.
我们聊了一会儿，就好像我们是同龄人一样，就好像我也是一个真正的作家一样。
I suddenly feel like a real writer.
我突然觉得自己像个真正的作家。
I’m talking to a guy who’s been in People magazine.
我正在和一位曾在《人物》杂志上发表文章的人交谈。
And he’s asking me about my process.
他正在询问我的流程。
Heck, I must be a real writer.
哎呀，我一定是一个真正的作家。
Only out on the quad do I remember: oh, crap, I still have to write a book .
只有在四边形上我才记得：哦，糟糕，我还得写一本书。
After the orientation meeting the program goes dancing.
迎新会结束后，节目开始跳舞。
Afterward, Toby and I agree we are too drunk to let either him or me drive the car home, that car, which we are pretty sure is his car, if there is a sweater in the back.
后来，托比和我同意我们喝得太醉了，不能让他或我开车回家，那辆车，我们很确定是他的车，如果后面有一件毛衣的话。
There is!
有！
We walk home, singing, probably, “Helplessly Hoping.” In his kitchen, we eat some chicken that his wife Catherine has prepared for something very important tomorrow, something for which there will be no time to make something else.
我们走回家，可能唱着“无助的希望”。在他的厨房里，我们吃了一些他的妻子凯瑟琳为明天非常重要的事情准备的鸡肉，因为明天没有时间做其他事情。
I wake, chagrined at my over-familiarity, and vow to thereafter keep a respectful distance from Professor Wolff and his refrigerator.
我醒来，对自己的过于熟悉感到懊恼，并发誓从此以后要与沃尔夫教授和他的冰箱保持尊重的距离。
I put my copy of Leaving the Land on my writing desk so that, if anyone happens to walk in, they will ask why that book is there, and I will be able to off-handedly say: “Oh, that guy’s my teacher.
我把《离开土地》放在写字台上，这样，如果有人碰巧走进来，他们会问为什么这本书在那里，我就可以随口说：“哦，那家伙是我的老师。
I sometimes go into his office and we just, you know, talk about my work.”
我有时会走进他的办公室，我们只是，你知道，谈论我的工作。”
I start dating a beautiful fellow writer named Paula Redick, who is in the year ahead of me.
我开始和一位名叫保拉·雷迪克（Paula Redick）的漂亮作家同事约会，她比我早一年。
Things move quickly.
事情进展很快。
We get engaged in three weeks, a Syracuse Creative Writing Program record that, I believe, still stands.
我们订婚了三周，这是雪城大学创意写作项目的记录，我相信，现在仍然如此。
Toby takes Paula to lunch, asks if she is sure about this, the implication being, she might want to give this a little additional thought.
托比带宝拉去吃午饭，问她是否确定这一点，暗示她可能想再考虑一下。
At a party, I go up to Toby and assure him that I am no longer writing the silly humorous crap I applied to the program with, i.e., the stuff that had gotten me into the program in the first place.
在一次聚会上，我走到托比面前，向他保证，我不再写那些我申请到这个项目时用的愚蠢幽默的废话，也就是说，那些最初让我进入这个项目的东西。
Now I am writing more seriously, more realistically, nothing made up, nothing silly, everything directly from life, no exaggeration or humor—you know: “real writing.”
现在我写得更认真、更现实，没有任何虚构，没有任何愚蠢，一切都直接来自生活，没有夸张或幽默——你知道：“真正的写作”。
I have no idea what he’s talking about.
我不知道他在说什么。
Why would I do that?
我为什么要这么做？
That would be dumb.
那太愚蠢了。
I go forward and lose all of the magic, for the rest of my time in grad school and for several years thereafter.
我继续前进，在研究生院剩下的时间里以及此后的几年里，我失去了所有的魔力。
Every Monday night, Doug’s workshop meets at his house.
每个星期一晚上，道格的工作室都会在他家里开会。
Doug’s wife, Amy, makes us dinner, which we eat on the break.
道格的妻子艾米为我们做了晚餐，我们在休息时吃。
We first-years are a bit tight-assed and over-literary.
我们一年级的学生有点拘谨，而且过于文学化。
We are trying too hard.
我们太努力了。
One night, Doug has us do an exercise: after the break, we are going to tell a story from our lives, off the cuff.
一天晚上，道格让我们做了一个练习：休息后，我们要即兴讲述一个我们生活中的故事。
We are terrified.
我们很害怕。
We don’t know any good, real stories, which is why we have been writing all of these stories about kids having sex with crocodiles and so forth.
我们不知道任何好的、真实的故事，这就是为什么我们一直在写所有这些关于孩子与鳄鱼发生性关系的故事等等。
And an audience of our peers is going to be sitting there, wincing or declining to laugh or nodding off?
我们的同龄人观众会坐在那里，皱着眉头或拒绝笑或打瞌睡吗？
Yikes.
哎呀。
We drink more on the break than usual.
我们在休息时喝的比平常多。
And then we all do a pretty good job, actually.
事实上，我们都做得很好。
None of us wants to be a flop and so each of us rises to the occasion by telling a story we actually find interesting, in something like our real voice, using the same assets (humor, understatement, overstatement, funny accents, whatever) that we actually use in our everyday lives to, for example, get out of trouble, or seduce someone.
我们谁都不想成为一个失败者，所以我们每个人都会通过讲述一个我们实际上觉得有趣的故事来应对这种情况，用我们真实的声音，使用我们在日常生活中实际使用的相同资产（幽默、轻描淡写、夸张、有趣的口音等等），例如，摆脱麻烦或引诱某人。
For me, a light goes on: we are supposed to be—are required to be—interesting.
对我来说，一盏灯亮了起来：我们应该——被要求——有趣。
We’re not only allowed to think about audience, we’d better .
我们不仅要考虑观众，而且还要考虑观众。
What we’re doing in writing is not all that different from what we’ve been doing all our lives, i.e., using our personalities as a way of coping with life.
我们在写作中所做的事情与我们一生所做的事情并没有太大不同，即利用我们的个性作为应对生活的方式。
Writing is about charm, about finding and accessing and honing ones’ particular charms.
写作关乎魅力，关乎发现、获取和磨练自己独特的魅力。
To say that “a light goes on” is not quite right—it’s more like: a fixture gets installed.
说“一盏灯亮了”并不完全正确——它更像是：安装了一个固定装置。
Only many years later (see below) will the light go on.
只有多年后（见下文），灯才会亮起。
Doug gets an unkind review.
道格受到了不友善的评价。
We are worried.
我们很担心。
Will one of us dopily bring it up in workshop?
我们中的一个人会在研讨会上迟钝地提起它吗？
We don’t.
我们不知道。
Doug does.
道格确实如此。
Right off the bat.
马上。
He wants to talk about it, because he feels there might be something in it for us.
他想谈论这件事，因为他觉得这对我们来说可能有所帮助。
The talk he gives us is beautiful, honest, courageous, totally generous.
他给我们的演讲是美丽的、诚实的、勇敢的、非常慷慨的。
He shows us where the reviewer was wrong—but also where the reviewer might have gotten it right.
他向我们展示了审稿人哪里错了，同时也向我们展示了审稿人可能在哪里做对了。
Doug talks about the importance of being able to extract the useful bits from even a hurtful review: this is important, because it will make the next book better.
道格谈到了能够从甚至是伤人的评论中提取有用内容的重要性：这很重要，因为它将使下一本书变得更好。
He talks about the fact that it was hard for him to get up this morning after that review and write, but that he did it anyway.
他谈到这样一个事实，即今天早上在审阅和写作之后，他很难起床，但他还是这么做了。
He’s in it for the long haul, we can see.
我们可以看到，他会长期参与其中。
He’s a fighter, and that’s what we must become too: we have to learn to honor our craft by refusing to be beaten, by remaining open, by treating every single thing that happens to us, good or bad, as one more lesson on the longer path.
他是一名斗士，我们也必须成为这样的人：我们必须学会尊重我们的技艺，拒绝被打败，保持开放的态度，将发生在我们身上的每一件事，无论好坏，都视为未来道路上的又一课。
Toby has the grad students over to watch A Night at the Opera .
托比让研究生们去看歌剧院之夜。
Mostly I watch Toby, with his family.
我主要看托比和他的家人。
He clearly adores them, takes visible pleasure in them, dotes on them.
他显然很崇拜他们，对他们有明显的快乐，宠爱他们。
I have always thought great writers had to be dysfunctional and difficult, incapable of truly loving anything, too insane and unpredictable and tortured to cherish anyone, or honor them, or find them beloved.
我一直认为伟大的作家必须功能失调、难以相处，无法真正热爱任何事物，过于疯狂、难以预测、饱受折磨，无法珍惜任何人，尊重他们，或发现他们被爱。
Doug gives me the single greatest bit of advice on writing dialogue I have ever heard.
道格给了我我听过的关于写作对话的最棒的建议。
And no, I am not going to share it here.
不，我不会在这里分享它。
It is that good, yes.
就是这么好，是的。
I notice that Doug has an incredible natural enthusiasm for anything we happen to get right.
我注意到道格对我们碰巧做对的任何事情都抱有令人难以置信的热情。
Even a single good line is worthy of praise.
即使是一句好台词也值得称赞。
When he comes across a beautiful story in a magazine, he shares it with us.
当他在杂志上看到一个美丽的故事时，他会与我们分享。
If someone else experiences a success, he celebrates it.
如果其他人取得了成功，他就会庆祝。
He can find, in even the most dismal student story, something to praise.
即使是最令人沮丧的学生故事，他也能找到值得赞扬的地方。
Often, hearing him talk about a story you didn’t like, you start to like it too—you see, as he is seeing, the seed of something good within it.
通常，当听到他谈论一个你不喜欢的故事时，你也会开始喜欢它——就像他所看到的那样，你在故事中看到了美好的种子。
He accepts you and your work just as he finds it, and is willing to work with you wherever you are.
他接受你和你的工作，就像他发现的那样，并且无论你身在何处，他都愿意与你合作。
This has the effect of emboldening you, and making you more courageous in your work, and less defeatist about it.
这会增强你的勇气，让你在工作中更加勇敢，减少失败主义。
End of our first semester.
我们的第一学期结束了。
We flock to hear Toby read at the Syracuse Stage.
我们成群结队地去雪城舞台听托比朗读。
He has a terrible flu.
他得了严重的流感。
He reads not his own work but Chekhov’s “About Love” trilogy.
他读的不是自己的作品，而是契诃夫的《关于爱情》三部曲。
The snow falls softly, visible behind us through a huge window.
雪花轻轻飘落，透过我们身后的大窗户可以看到。
It’s a beautiful, deeply enjoyable, reading.
这是一本美丽的、令人深感愉悦的读物。
Suddenly we get Chekhov: Chekhov is funny.
突然我们想到了契诃夫：契诃夫很有趣。
It is possible to be funny and profound at the same time.
既有趣又深刻是可能的。
The story is not some ossified, cerebral thing: it is entertainment, active entertainment, of the highest variety.
这个故事并不是什么僵化的、理智的东西：它是娱乐，是最活跃的娱乐，是最多样化的。
All of those things I’ve been learning about in class, those bone-chilling abstractions theme , plot , and symbol are de-abstracted by hearing Toby read Chekhov aloud: they are simply tools with which to make your audience feel more deeply—methods of creating higher-order meaning.
我在课堂上学到的所有这些东西，那些令人毛骨悚然的抽象主题、情节和符号，通过听托比大声朗读契诃夫而被解抽象：它们只是让观众感受更深刻的工具——创造更高阶意义的方法。
The stories and Toby’s reading of them convey a notion new to me, or one which, in the somber cathedral of academia, I’d forgotten: literature is a form of fondness-for-life.
这些故事和托比对它们的阅读向我传达了一种新的观念，或者说是在学术界阴沉的大教堂里我已经忘记的观念：文学是热爱生活的一种形式。
It is love for life taking verbal form.
这是对生命的热爱，以言语的形式表达出来。
Paula and I are married in Rapid City.
宝拉和我在拉皮德城结婚了。
We get a nice chunk of money at the wedding.
我们在婚礼上得到了一大笔钱。
We honeymoon on the island of St. Bart’s, in a madly expensive villa, which happens to be right next to an even more madly expensive villa being rented by Cheech, of Cheech & Chong fame.
我们在圣巴特岛度蜜月，住在一栋极其昂贵的别墅里，而这座别墅恰好就在因 Cheech & Chong 闻名的 Cheech 租用的一栋更加昂贵的别墅旁边。
We spend all of our wedding money.
我们花光了所有的结婚钱。
Why not?
为什么不呢？
Soon we will be rich and famous writers and money will mean nothing to us.
很快我们就会成为富有的著名作家，金钱对我们来说将毫无意义。
I am in a workshop with Toby.
我和托比一起参加一个研讨会。
One night, our workshop is being disrupted by the Syracuse University cheerleading squad practicing loudly in the room above.
一天晚上，我们的工作室被雪城大学啦啦队在楼上大声练习的声音扰乱了。
Toby grows increasingly annoyed.
托比越来越恼火。
Finally he excuses himself.
最后他原谅了自己。
We’re worried.
我们很担心。
In Syracuse, the cheerleading squad is about equal in status to the Mayor.
在锡拉丘兹，啦啦队的地位与市长相当。
We think of how we might console Professor Wolff if he returns with an S.U.
我们考虑如果沃尔夫教授带着 S.U. 回来，我们该如何安慰他。
megaphone squashed down on his head.
扩音器压在他的头上。
But no: instead, here come the chastened cheerleaders, humbly toting their boom box, muttering obscenities.
但事实并非如此：取而代之的是，受过惩罚的拉拉队员们来到这里，谦卑地拿着他们的音箱，低声嘟囔着脏话。
We feel that the importance of what we are doing has been defended.
我们认为我们正在做的事情的重要性得到了捍卫。
We feel that, even if we are members of a marginalized cult, our cult is tougher and more resilient than theirs, and has cooler leadership.
我们觉得，即使我们是边缘化邪教的成员，我们的邪教也比他们的邪教更坚强、更有韧性，并且有更冷静的领导层。
Toby is a generous reader and a Zen-like teacher.
托比是一位慷慨的读者，也是一位禅宗般的老师。
The virtues I feel being modeled—in his in-class comments and demeanor, in his notes, and during our after-workshop meetings—are subtle and profound.
我感受到的美德——在他的课堂评论和举止、他的笔记以及我们研讨会后的会议上——是微妙而深刻的。
A story’s positive virtues are not different from the positive virtues of its writer.
故事的积极美德与其作者的积极美德没有什么不同。
A story should be honest, direct, loving, restrained.
一个故事应该是诚实的、直接的、有爱的、克制的。
It can, by being worked and reworked, come to have more power than its length should allow.
经过加工和再加工，它可以具有比其长度应有的更多的力量。
A story can be a compressed bundle of energy, and, in fact, the more it is thoughtfully compressed, the more power it will have.
一个故事可以是一束被压缩的能量，事实上，它被精心压缩得越多，它的力量就越大。
His brilliant story “The Other Miller” appears in The Atlantic .
他的精彩故事《另一个磨坊主》出现在《大西洋月刊》上。
I read it, love it.
我读过它，喜欢它。
I can’t believe I know the person who wrote it, and that he knows me.
我不敢相信我认识写这句话的人，而且他也认识我。
I walk over to the Hall of Languages and there he is, the guy who wrote that story.
我走到语言大厅，他就在那里，就是写那个故事的人。
What’s he doing?
他在做什么？
Talking to a student?
和一个学生说话？
Photocopying a story for next day’s class?
为第二天的课程复印故事？
I don’t remember.
我不记得了。
But there he is: both writer and citizen.
但他就在那里：既是作家又是公民。
I don’t know why this makes such an impression on me–maybe because I somehow have the idea that a writer walks around in a trance, being rude, moved to misbehavior by the power of his own words.
我不知道为什么这给我留下了这样的印象——也许是因为我有这样的想法：一个作家在恍惚中走来走去，粗鲁无礼，被自己言语的力量感动而做出不当行为。
But here is the author of this great story, walking around, being nice.
但这是这个伟大故事的作者，他四处走动，表现得很友善。
It makes me think of the Flaubert quote, “live like a bourgeoisie and think like a demigod.” At the time, I am not sure what a bourgeoisie is, exactly, or a demigod, but I understand this to mean: “live like a normal person, write like a maniac.” Toby manifests as an example of suppressed power, or, rather: directed power.
这让我想起福楼拜的名言：“像资产阶级一样生活，像半神一样思考。”当时，我不确定什么是资产阶级，什么是半神，但我理解这意味着：“像正常人一样生活，像疯子一样写作。”托比表现为压制权力的一个例子，或者更确切地说：定向权力。
No silliness necessary, no dramatics, all of his considerable personal power directed, at the appropriate time, to a worthy goal.
没有必要愚蠢，没有戏剧性，他所有的个人力量都在适当的时候指向一个有价值的目标。
Paula is four months pregnant with our first child.
宝拉怀着我们的第一个孩子已有四个月了。
We are still not rich and famous.
我们仍然不富有，也不出名。
While we are out in South Dakota visiting Paula’s family, she goes into early labor.
当我们去南达科他州探望宝拉的家人时，她即将临产。
Her doctor says he has good news/bad news.
她的医生说他有好消息/坏消息。
Good news: he thinks he can save the baby.
好消息：他认为他可以拯救孩子。
Bad news: she’s going to have to go to bed, and won’t be able to get up until the baby is born in March.
坏消息：她将不得不上床睡觉，直到三月份孩子出生才能起床。
I write my teachers at Syracuse about this, promise to do the work by mail.
我写信给雪城大学的老师们谈论此事，承诺通过邮件完成这项工作。
I try to do so.
我尝试这样做。
I read and write like a fiend.
我像魔鬼一样读书写字。
I’m worried and distracted, schlepping back and forth from the Rapid City library and home and the post office.
我既担心又心烦意乱，拖着沉重的步伐在拉皮德城图书馆、家里和邮局之间来回走动。
Finally I get a call from Doug.
最后我接到了道格的电话。
I’m afraid he might be calling to say that this method just isn’t working: I’m going to have to drop out, forfeit my fellowship checks.
我担心他可能会打电话说这个方法行不通：我将不得不退学，放弃我的奖学金支票。
But no. He’s calling to say he thinks I’m worrying about his class too much.
但没有。他打电话说他认为我太担心他的课了。
You’ve done enough, he says, you pass, knock it off, go spend more time with Paula, that’s what’s important, that’s what you’ll remember years from now.
你已经做得足够多了，他说，你过去了，结束吧，花更多的时间和宝拉在一起，这才是重要的，这就是你多年后会记住的。
Our first daughter is born.
我们的第一个女儿出生了。
Life goes crazy, in a good way.
生活以一种好的方式变得疯狂。
Artistically, I continue to lose the magic, writing stories in which I am sort of like Nick Adams, but in Sumatra, Indonesia.
在艺术上，我继续失去魔力，写一些我有点像尼克·亚当斯的故事，但在印度尼西亚的苏门答腊岛。
The guy in the story is a thinly veiled version of me, when I was in the oil business, if I had been more like Nick Adams.
故事中的这个人就是我在石油行业时的一个不加掩饰的版本，如果我更像尼克·亚当斯的话。
Get it?
得到它？
I am not so crass as to name myself “Nick.” Instead I name myself “Casey.” Or, sometimes, when I am really off my game, “Vic.” Once, in a very confused moment, I am “Bernard Casey.” Casey / Vic / Bernard Casey is always silently witnessing petty and / or decadent cruelties, then eventually participating in them himself, because our times are so rotten and we are such a—well, not a “lost” generation, but more like a sort of “drifty” generation.
我还没有粗鲁到称自己为“尼克”。相反，我给自己起名为“凯西”。或者，有时，当我真的不在状态时，“维克”。曾经，在一个非常困惑的时刻，我是“伯纳德·凯西”。凯西/维克/伯纳德 凯西总是默默地目睹琐碎和/或颓废的残酷行为，然后最终自己也参与其中，因为我们的时代是如此腐烂，我们是这样的——嗯，不是“迷失”的一代，而是更像是“漂泊”的一代。
Anyway, at the end of my stories, Casey/Vic/Bernard Casey, having done something naughty, will often broodingly go off to stand by a river, to feel miserable and think a line that is like an epiphany.
无论如何，在我的故事的结尾，凯西/维克/伯纳德凯西做了一些顽皮的事情，常常会沉思地走到河边，感到痛苦，并想到一句像顿悟一样的台词。
Sometimes something in the natural world might metaphorically mimic Vic’s mental state:
有时自然界中的某些东西可能会隐喻地模仿维克的精神状态：
Vic thought of the Indonesian village he had just accidentally burned down while goofing around.
维克想起了他闲逛时不小心烧毁的印度尼西亚村庄。
He felt bad.
他感觉很糟糕。
His spirits drooped, there on the banks of the river.
在河岸边，他的情绪低落了。
This story might be called, for example: “On the Dark Banks of the Tragic Sad River.”
例如，这个故事可以被称为：“在悲惨的悲伤河的黑暗河岸上”。
I have my final thesis meeting with Doug.
我和道格举行了期末论文会议。
My thesis, with its revised title, “On the Tragic Banks of the Dark Sad River: Stories,” is crap.
我的论文及其修改后的标题“在黑暗悲伤河的悲剧河岸上：故事”是垃圾。
We meet in the student cafeteria.
我们在学生食堂见面。
Had there been an elephant in there, his trunk would have been very droopy indeed.
如果那里有一头大象，他的鼻子确实会非常下垂。
I’ve tried my hardest during my two years at Syracuse but somehow, under the pressure of suddenly being surrounded by good writers, I went timid and all the energy disappeared from my work–I’ve lost the magic indeed, have somehow become a plodding, timid, bad realist.
在雪城大学的两年里，我尽了最大的努力，但不知何故，在突然被优秀作家包围的压力下，我变得胆怯，所有的精力都从我的作品中消失了——我确实失去了魔力，不知何故变成了一个缓慢、胆怯、糟糕的现实主义者。
I’m terrified before the meeting.
开会之前我很害怕。
I know I haven’t done good work, but don’t want to hear that.
我知道我的工作做得不好，但我不想听到这些。
But I also don’t want to hear that what I know is bad, is good.
但我也不想听到我所知道的东西是坏的，是好的。
What Doug does for me in this meeting is respect me, by declining to hyperbolize my crap thesis.
道格在这次会议上为我做的就是尊重我，拒绝夸大我的垃圾论文。
I don’t remember what he said about it, but what he did not say was, you know: “Amazing, you did a great job, this is publishable, you rocked our world with this!
我不记得他说了些什么，但他没有说的是，你知道：“太棒了，你做得很好，这是可以出版的，你用这个震撼了我们的世界！
Loved the elephant.” There’s this theory that self-esteem has to do with getting confirmation from the outside world that our perceptions are fundamentally accurate.
喜欢大象。”有一种理论认为，自尊与从外部世界获得我们的看法基本上是准确的确认有关。
What Doug does at this meeting is increase my self-esteem by confirming that my perception of the work I’d been doing is fundamentally accurate.
道格在这次会议上所做的就是通过确认我对自己所做工作的看法基本上是准确的来增强我的自尊。
The work I’ve been doing is bad.
我所做的工作很糟糕。
Or, worse: it’s blah.
或者，更糟糕的是：这很废话。
This is uplifting–liberating, even—to have my unspoken opinion of my work confirmed.
我对自己工作的不言而喻的看法得到了证实，这是令人振奋的，甚至是解放的。
I don’t have to pretend bad is good.
我不必假装坏事就是好事。
This frees me to leave it behind and move on and try to do something better.
这让我可以把它抛在脑后，继续前进，尝试做更好的事情。
The main thing I feel: respected.
我最大的感受是：被尊重。
Doug conveys a sense that I am a good-enough writer and person to take this not-great news in stride and move on.
道格传达了一种感觉，即我是一个足够优秀的作家和人，可以泰然处之地接受这个不是什么好消息并继续前进。
One bad set of pages isn’t the end of the world.
一组糟糕的页面并不是世界末日。
I graduate and get a job as a tech writer at a pharmaceutical company.
我毕业后在一家制药公司找到了一份技术作家的工作。
At night I leave through the downstairs labs, where the animal tests are done.
晚上，我离开楼下的实验室，那里进行动物测试。
One night I see a bunch of beagles in slings, awaiting morning surgery.
一天晚上，我看到一群小猎犬戴着吊带，等待早上的手术。
They are in the slings so that their heart rates will stay low.
他们戴着吊带，这样他们的心率就会保持在较低水平。
To me, it seems that being suspended in a sling in a dark lab overnight would have the opposite effect.
对我来说，在黑暗的实验室中用吊带悬挂过夜似乎会产生相反的效果。
But mine is not to question why: I have a young family to support.
但我的目的并不是质疑原因：我要养活一个年轻的家庭。
On a visit to Syracuse, I hear Toby saying goodbye to one of his sons.
在访问锡拉丘兹时，我听到托比正在向他的一个儿子告别。
“Goodbye, dear,” he says.
“再见，亲爱的，”他说。
All kinds of windows fly open in my mind.
各种各样的窗户在我的脑海里飞开。
It is powerful to call your son “dear,” it is powerful to feel that the world is dear, it is powerful to always strive to see everything as dear.
称你的儿子为“亲爱的”是很强大的，感觉世界是可爱的，这是很强大的，总是努力把一切都视为可爱是很强大的。
Toby is a powerful man: in his physicality, in his experiences, in his charisma.
托比是一个强大的人：无论是他的身体、他的经历还是他的魅力。
But all that power has culminated in gentleness.
但所有这些力量都在温柔中达到了顶峰。
It is as if that is the point of power: to allow one to access the higher registers of gentleness.
似乎这就是力量的意义所在：让人接触到更高层次的温柔。
Our second daughter is born.
我们的第二个女儿出生了。
We are happier than ever, poorer than ever, busier than ever.
我们比以往任何时候都更快乐，比以往任何时候都贫穷，比以往任何时候都更忙碌。
Officially I am still a tech writer, but I work for an environmental company now.
名义上我仍然是一名科技作家，但我现在在一家环保公司工作。
Really what I do is not so much tech-write, but make copies of reports.
事实上，我所做的并不是技术写作，而是复印报告。
My special area of expertise is: doing the covers.
我的专长领域是：制作封面。
I am trying to write at work but have begun to realize that, not only will the world not mourn if I never write again, it would actually prefer it.
我正在尝试在工作中写作，但已经开始意识到，如果我不再写作，世界不仅不会哀悼，而且实际上会更喜欢它。
I finally break out of Nick Adams mode and write what I think might be a good story.
我终于摆脱了尼克·亚当斯的模式，写出了我认为可能是个好故事的故事。
When I finish it, as in a movie, I hear Toby’s voice in my head: “Don’t lose the magic.” Of course, of course, I finally get it!
当我完成它时，就像在电影中一样，我听到托比的声音在我脑海中响起：“不要失去魔力。”当然，当然，我终于明白了！
All these years I’ve been losing the magic!
这些年来我一直在失去魔力！
Toby’s comment at that party all those years ago suddenly presents as a sort of hidden teaching moment, a confirmation that this leap I have made is real.
托比多年前在那次聚会上的评论突然呈现为一种隐藏的教学时刻，证实了我所取得的这一飞跃是真实的。
Seeking confirmation, I send the story to Toby.
为了寻求证实，我将这个故事发送给托比。
Is he busy, does he have three kids, is he teaching a full course load, is he in the middle of a new book?
他很忙吗？他有三个孩子吗？他正在教授全部课程吗？他正在写一本新书吗？
Yes.
是的。
Does he read it and send me a generous letter, confirming that I’m on the right track, in less than a week?
他会在不到一周的时间内读完这封信并给我发一封慷慨的信，确认我走在正确的道路上吗？
My first book comes out.
我的第一本书出版了。
Please note that, between this entry and the previous one, six years have passed.
请注意，本条目与上一篇条目之间已经过去了六年。
I have been working as a technical writer all this time.
我一直在从事技术作家的工作。
One of the bosses, all these long years, keeps calling me “GeorgeMan.”
这么多年来，其中一位老板一直叫我“乔治曼”。
I am teaching at Syracuse myself now.
我现在自己在锡拉丘兹教书。
Toby, Arthur Flowers, and I are reading that year’s admissions materials.
托比、阿瑟·弗劳尔斯和我正在阅读当年的招生材料。
Toby reads every page of every story in every application, even the ones we are almost certainly rejecting, and never fails to find a nice moment, even when it occurs on the last page of the last story of a doomed application.
托比阅读了每个应用程序中每个故事的每一页，甚至是那些我们几乎肯定会拒绝的故事，并且总是能找到一个美好的时刻，即使它发生在一个注定失败的应用程序的最后一个故事的最后一页上。
“Remember that beautiful description of a sailboat on around page 29 of the third piece?” he’ll say.
“还记得第三篇文章第 29 页左右对帆船的美丽描述吗？”他会说。
And Arthur and I will say: “Uh, yeah …
亚瑟和我会说：“呃，是的……
that was …
那是……
a really cool sailboat.” Toby has a kind of photographic memory re stories, and such a love for the form that goodness, no matter where it’s found or what it’s surrounded by, seems to excite his enthusiasm.
一艘非常酷的帆船。”托比对故事有一种过目不忘的记忆力，对美好事物的形式有着如此的热爱，无论它是在哪里发现的，无论它周围有什么，似乎都会激发他的热情。
Again, that same lesson: good teaching is grounded in generosity of spirit.
同样的教训是：良好的教学是以慷慨的精神为基础的。
Toby has moved to Stanford.
托比搬到了斯坦福大学。
Paula and I buy Toby and Catherine’s house on Scott Avenue.
宝拉和我买了托比和凯瑟琳位于斯科特大道的房子。
In the garage is the sled that is the real-life corollary of the sled in “The Chain.” On a section of molding is a penciled chart of the heights of his kids.
车库里有一个雪橇，它是《锁链》中雪橇在现实生活中的必然结果。模具的一部分上有一张用铅笔绘制的孩子们的身高图表。
In the basement, on a workbench, in a childish scrawl, in crayon, is written: DOWN WITH THE REPUBLICANS!
在地下室的工作台上，用蜡笔用孩子气的潦草写着：打倒共和党人！
One night I’m sitting on the darkened front porch of our new house.
一天晚上，我坐在我们新房子黑暗的前廊上。
A couple walks by.
一对情侣走过。
They don’t see me sitting there in the shadows.
他们看不到我坐在阴影里。
Note to self, I think: Live in such a way that, when neighbors walk by your house months after you’re gone, they can’t help but blurt out something affectionate.
我想提醒自己：以这样一种方式生活，当你离开几个月后，当邻居走过你家时，他们会情不自禁地脱口而出一些深情的话。
I do a reading at the university where Doug now teaches.
我在道格现在任教的大学读书。
During the after-reading party, I notice one of the grad writers sort of hovering, looking like she wants to say something to me.
在读后聚会上，我注意到一位研究生作家有点徘徊，看起来像是想对我说些什么。
Finally, as I’m leaving, she comes forward and says she wants to tell me about something that happened to her.
最后，当我离开时，她走上前说她想告诉我发生在她身上的事情。
What happened is horrible and violent and recent and it’s clear she’s still in shock from it.
发生的事情非常可怕、暴力，而且是最近才发生的，很明显她仍然感到震惊。
I don’t know how to respond.
我不知道该如何回应。
As the details mount, I find myself looking to Doug, sort of like: Can you get me out of this?
随着细节的增加，我发现自己看着道格，有点像：你能帮我摆脱困境吗？
What I see Doug doing gets inside my head and heart and has stayed there ever since, as a lesson and an admonition: what Doug is doing, is staring at his student with complete attention, affection, focus, love—whatever you want to call it.
我看到道格所做的事情深入我的脑海和内心，从那时起就一直留在那里，作为教训和警告：道格所做的就是用完全的注意力、感情、专注、爱——无论你想怎么称呼它——盯着他的学生。
He is, with his attention, making a place for her to tell her story—giving her permission to tell it, blessing her telling of it.
他用他的注意力，为她创造了一个讲述她的故事的地方——允许她讲述它，祝福她讲述它。
What do I do?
我该怎么办？
I do what I have done so many times and so profitably during my writing apprenticeship: I do my best to emulate Doug.
在我的写作学徒生涯中，我做了很多次并且获益匪浅的事情：我尽力效仿道格。
I turn to her and try to put aside my discomfort and do my best to listen as intently as Doug is listening.
我转向她，试图抛开我的不适，尽我最大的努力像道格一样专注地倾听。
I remember this moment as an object lesson in what I take to be Doug’s ethos: be kind, pay attention, err on the side of generosity.
我记得这一刻是我所认为的道格精神的一个实例教训：友善，专注，宁可慷慨。
Toby comes back to do a reading at Syracuse.
托比回来雪城读书。
He reads “Bullet in the Brain” to a standing-room-only crowd.
他向全场站着的人群朗读《大脑中的子弹》。
Afterwards, there is a stunned, appreciative silence—a little like that moment after fireworks just before the yelling starts.
之后，是一片令人震惊、欣赏的沉默——有点像烟花爆竹后、大喊大叫开始前的那一刻。
I look at Paula.
我看着保拉。
There are tears in her eyes.
她的眼里含着泪水。
Mine too.
我的也是。
These, we later agree, are tears of gratitude.
我们后来一致认为，这些都是感激之泪。
How lucky we are, we feel, that such a person exists in this world, and that we had the good fortune to cross paths with him, and be his students.
我们感到多么幸运，这个世界上有这样一个人，我们有幸与他相遇，成为他的学生。
Knowing him has helped us grow into better versions of ourselves: more dignified, less selfish.
了解他帮助我们成长为更好的自己：更有尊严，更少自私。
This, of course, is what a ‘role model’ is: someone who, by gracefully embodying positive virtues, causes you to aspire to them yourself.
当然，这就是“榜样”的含义：通过优雅地体现积极的美德，让你自己也向往这些美德的人。
During the Q&A someone asks what Toby would do if he couldn’t be a writer.
在问答过程中，有人问托比如果不能成为一名作家会做什么。
Why do we love our writing teachers so much?
为什么我们如此喜爱我们的写作老师？
Why, years later, do we think of them with such gratitude?
为什么多年以后，我们想起他们仍充满感激之情？
I think it’s because they come along when we need them most, when we are young and vulnerable and are tentatively approaching this craft that our culture doesn’t have much respect for, but which we are beginning to love.
我认为这是因为它们在我们最需要的时候出现，当我们年轻、脆弱，正在尝试接触这种我们的文化不太尊重但我们开始热爱的手艺时。
They have so much power.
他们有如此大的力量。
They could mock us, disregard us, use us to prop themselves up.
他们可以嘲笑我们，忽视我们，利用我们来支撑自己。
But our teachers, if they are good, instead do something almost holy, which we never forget: they take us seriously.
但我们的老师，如果他们是好人，就会做一些近乎神圣的事情，我们永远不会忘记：他们认真对待我们。
They accept us as new members of the guild.
他们接受我们作为行会的新成员。
They tolerate the under-wonderful stories we write, the dopy things we say, our shaky-legged aesthetic theories, our posturing, because they have been there themselves.
他们容忍我们写的不那么精彩的故事、我们说的愚蠢的话、我们摇摇欲坠的美学理论、我们的姿态，因为他们自己也经历过这些。
This essay is excerpted from "A Manner of Being: Writers on Their Mentors," edited by Jeff Parker and Annie Liontas, which will be published in December by the University of Massachusetts Press.
本文摘自杰夫·帕克和安妮·利昂塔斯编辑的《存在方式：作家谈导师》，该书将于 12 月由马萨诸塞大学出版社出版。