Stories About My Brother

When my brother died, I was too shattered to write his obituary.

当我哥哥去世时，我心碎得无法写他的讣告。

There is little record of his 29 years of life; it simply vanished.

他29年的一生几乎没有记录；它就这样消失了。

When I type “Yush Gupta,” Google autofills “Yush Gupta death,” a brutal reminder that even on the internet, a space where nothing is forgotten, Yush is a mirage, slowly disappearing.

当我输入“Yush Gupta”时，谷歌会自动填充“Yush Gupta Death”，这是一个残酷的提醒，即使在互联网这个什么都不会被遗忘的空间里，Yush 也只是一个海市蜃楼，正在慢慢消失。

Despite his long list of accomplishments as a computer programmer and engineer, when I complete the search there is little left of Yush: a GoFundMe started by my parents, an entry from the Toronto funeral home where his body was cremated, an article in his college alumni magazine.

尽管他作为计算机程序员和工程师取得了长长的成就，但当我完成搜索时，尤什已经所剩无几：我父母发起的 GoFundMe、来自多伦多殡仪馆（他的遗体被火化的地方）的条目、他大学校友杂志上的一篇文章。

On the internet, a place where Yush lived his life, he has been reduced to one single fact: He died young.

在互联网上，尤什生活的地方，他被简化为一个事实：他英年早逝。

I’m not exactly sure when he died.

我不太确定他什么时候死的。

My father called me with the news on Saturday, November 4, 2017, but Yush was in Italy, which is six hours ahead.

2017 年 11 月 4 日星期六，我父亲打电话告诉我这个消息，但尤什在意大利，距离意大利还有六个小时。

I later learned that a blood clot shot up from his leg and blocked his lungs; a pulmonary embolism.

后来我得知，一块血块从他的腿上涌出来，堵塞了他的肺部；肺栓塞。

He likely fell to the floor alone in a small room in Milan, gasping for air through excruciating pain, texting his caretaker to call an ambulance.

他很可能独自倒在米兰的一个小房间的地板上，痛苦地喘着气，并给看护人发短信叫救护车。

Yush drew his last breaths surrounded by Italian EMS workers who didn’t know his name, in a country that was not his.

尤什在一个不属于他的国家中咽下最后一口气，周围都是不知道他名字的意大利急救人员。

Pulmonary embolisms are rare in young people.

肺栓塞在年轻人中很少见。

In the United States, they are even less common among Asian-Americans than white people.

在美国，他们在亚裔美国人中甚至比白人还要少见。

Yush was a lifelong long-distance runner; he was healthy and active.

尤什一生都是长跑运动员。他很健康，也很活跃。

Statistically, he was among those least likely to suffer a pulmonary embolism.

据统计，他是最不可能患肺栓塞的人之一。

And yet, despite the statistics, that is what ended his life.

然而，尽管有统计数据，这还是结束了他的生命。

In the weeks following his death, I learned that his death did not result from a natural cause, nor was it suicide; it was an incident brought on by forces beyond his control, but resulted from risks that were entirely preventable.

在他去世后的几周里，我了解到他的死不是自然原因，也不是自杀；而是自杀。这是一次由他无法控制的力量引发的事件，但却是完全可以避免的风险造成的。

But that was not the only mystery I uncovered about Yush’s life: While I had always worried about his financial stability, in the days and months following his death, I would learn that he had become wealthy from bitcoin investments.

但这并不是我发现的关于尤什生活的唯一谜团：虽然我一直担心他的财务稳定性，但在他去世后的几天和几个月里，我了解到他通过比特币投资变得富有。

I learned that he was secretly building a technology that he believed could revolutionize the world.

我了解到他正在秘密开发一项他相信可以彻底改变世界的技术。

And I learned that he had written an anonymous essay about our family published in a Men’s Rights anthology, in which he lamented over a society that values the “emotional pain” of women over the burden men have to provide for them.

我了解到，他在一本男性权利选集中写了一篇关于我们家庭的匿名文章，其中他对一个重视女性“情感痛苦”而不是男性必须为她们提供的负担的社会表示哀叹。

He complained that women were inferior in logical ability, and that women in abusive relationships are not held accountable for their decision to stay, while pressures upon men are overlooked and ignored.

他抱怨说，女性的逻辑能力较差，处于虐待关系中的女性不会为她们留下来的决定负责，而男性所承受的压力则被忽视和忽视。

The truth is, though I knew Yush better than perhaps anyone, I barely understood the man he had become.

事实是，尽管我可能比任何人都更了解尤什，但我几乎不理解他变成了什么样的人。

In recent years, we had become estranged due to our oppositional values: I became a vocal, ardent feminist.

近年来，我们因价值观的对立而变得疏远：我成为了一名直言不讳、热心的女权主义者。

He saw feminists as extremists who were deeply hateful towards men.

他将女权主义者视为对男性深恶痛绝的极端主义者。

Yush made being nerdy look cool.

Yush 让书呆子看起来很酷。

I remember a multi-colored Rubik’s Cube glued to his hands; he was always moving, studying, executing algorithms and patterns that he had committed to memory.

我记得他手上粘着一个彩色魔方；他总是在移动、研究、执行他牢记在心的算法和模式。

Pretty soon, our friend Ranjan Rohatgi was hooked, too.

很快，我们的朋友 Ranjan Rohatgi 也被迷住了。

Rohatgi recalls that Yush was so intent on cutting down the time that he disassembled the cube and coated all of the pieces with WD-40.

Rohatgi 回忆说，Yush 非常想缩短时间，因此他拆解了立方体，并在所有部件上涂上了 WD-40。

“We weren’t hiding our new skills—we’d take our cubes to school, compete with each other, show everyone else how cool we were,” Rohatgi told me via email.

“我们并没有隐藏我们的新技能——我们会把我们的立方体带到学校，互相竞争，向其他人展示我们有多酷，”罗哈吉通过电子邮件告诉我。

During Yush’s sophomore year, they speed-solved a Rubik’s Cube in front of our entire high school.

在尤什二年级的时候，他们在我们整个高中面前快速解出了魔方。

“Yush beat me by a few seconds with a time in the lower 40s,” he recalled.

“尤什以 40 多秒的成绩领先了我几秒钟，”他回忆道。

“Each round was followed by applause and cheers from literally the entire high school.

“每一轮比赛结束后，几乎整个高中都响起了掌声和欢呼声。

It was pretty surreal.”

这真是太超现实了。”

Despite this, somehow, Yush was also well-liked.

尽管如此，尤什还是很受欢迎。

He played the drums, ran varsity cross-country, and dated girls.

他打鼓、越野跑校队、和女孩约会。

His friend Veronica Fischmann reminded me of her “all-time favorite” story about their high school graduation when Yush pranked the school’s headmaster, a white British man.

他的朋友维罗妮卡·菲施曼（Veronica Fischmann）让我想起了她“一直最喜欢”的关于他们高中毕业的故事，当时尤什恶作剧了学校的校长，一位英国白人。

Yush painstakingly taught our headmaster how to pronounce a vaguely Indian-sounding middle name that Yush had made up: “VakaDakaRamaPutna.” At graduation, our headmaster unwittingly called Yush Pal VakaDakaRamaPutna Gupta to the stage, and the room boomed with laughter.

尤什煞费苦心地教我们的校长如何发音尤什编造的一个听起来有点印度语的中间名：“VakaDakaRamaPutna”。毕业典礼上，我们的校长无意中把尤什·帕尔·瓦卡·达卡·拉马·普特纳·古普塔叫上台，教室里充满了笑声。

As his sister, this sillier side was one of my favorite things about him.

作为他的妹妹，我最喜欢他的这一面是他愚蠢的一面。

At his eulogy, I shared a poem that he had written for my 30th birthday, which began like this, and ended with a refrain sung to the tune of Flight of the Valkyries :

在他的悼词中，我分享了他为我 30 岁生日写的一首诗，这首诗是这样开始的，并以《女武神的飞行》曲调中的副歌结束：

Yush would later tell me that high school was the last time he felt truly happy.

尤什后来告诉我，高中是他最后一次感到真正快乐。

Though he found his calling in college, he also became less balanced and steadily slid into a depression that would nearly claim his life.

尽管他在大学找到了自己的使命，但他也变得不那么平衡，并逐渐陷入抑郁，几乎夺去了他的生命。

In all of the interviews I conducted for this piece, no one brought up his mental health or what role it played in his death, if any.

在我为这篇文章进行的所有采访中，没有人提到他的心理健康状况，或者它在他的死亡中扮演了什么角色（如果有的话）。

But I believe that his brilliance and apparent eccentricities masked the toll that his unmanaged depression and deep-seated insecurities about masculinity took on him.

但我相信，他的才华和明显的古怪掩盖了他无法控制的抑郁症和对男子气概的根深蒂固的不安全感给他带来的损失。

Three days later, around midnight, I got a call from his roommate.

三天后，午夜时分，我接到了他室友的电话。

He had found Yush’s suicide note.

他找到了尤什的遗书。

I don’t know how many times I called him, desperate to hear his voice, leaving frantic voicemails until the machine cut me off, begging him to not kill himself, crying that I loved him and needed him and would miss him so, so much.

我不知道我给他打了多少次电话，迫切地想听到他的声音，留下疯狂的语音邮件，直到机器把我挂断，求他不要自杀，哭着说我爱他，需要他，会非常非常想念他。

I remembered how those minutes, or maybe just seconds, stretched into eternities when I didn’t know if my little brother, my only sibling, my best friend, was alive or dead.

我记得当我不知道我的弟弟、我唯一的兄弟姐妹、我最好的朋友是生是死时，那几分钟，或者也许只是几秒钟，是如何延伸成永恒的。

He would later tell a girlfriend that the thought of me stopped him from ending his life.

后来他告诉一位女朋友，正是因为我，他才没有结束自己的生命。

As I tried to understand his death, I kept thinking about how this time, I hadn’t been able to save him.

当我试图理解他的死时，我一直在想这一次我没能救他。

“Mom and I wanted you to have each other as best friends,” my dad always said, reminding us that we needed to take care of each other after they died.

“妈妈和我希望你们成为最好的朋友，”我爸爸总是说，提醒我们在他们去世后我们需要互相照顾。

We were, in fact, best friends.

事实上，我们是最好的朋友。

Growing up, we were both outcasts as the only kids of color in our white, working-class Pittsburgh neighborhood, and being nerds did not help us make other friends.

在成长过程中，我们都是匹兹堡白人工人阶级社区中唯一的有色人种孩子，都是被排斥的人，而成为书呆子并不能帮助我们结交其他朋友。

We built different worlds with Legos, pretending to time travel through them; we constructed forts with foam mattresses and blankets; we turned our twin-size beds into a storefront and played shop.

我们用乐高积木搭建了不同的世界，假装在它们之间进行时间旅行；我们用泡沫床垫和毯子建造堡垒；我们把两张单人床变成了店面，玩了商店游戏。

We decided that names were arbitrary and created our own for each other (he called me “Ingrid”).

我们决定名字是任意的，并为彼此创建了自己的名字（他叫我“英格丽德”）。

There were of course a few years in which I felt I was too cool to be seen in public with the younger brother who would, annoyingly, be mistaken for my twin.

当然，有几年我觉得自己太酷了，不能和弟弟一起出现在公共场合，令人恼火的是，他会被误认为是我的双胞胎。

But throughout high school and college, we frequently hung out with our friends, two grades apart, in our parents’ basement as one big group.

但在整个高中和大学期间，我们经常和相差两个年级的朋友一起在父母的地下室里作为一大群人出去玩。

We were each other’s companions on long runs, told each other about our crushes, and became each other’s sanity checks when the world around us made no sense.

我们是彼此的长跑伙伴，互相倾诉自己的迷恋，当我们周围的世界变得毫无意义时，我们成为彼此的理智检查者。

The best part about college, for me, was that Yush lived only a mile away.

对我来说，大学最好的部分是尤什住在一英里之外。

During finals week my junior year at the University of Pittsburgh, I had a fever that would not break.

在匹兹堡大学大三的期末考试周，我发烧了，一直没有退下来。

Eventually, I became so dehydrated and weak that I could not walk, I could only crawl.

最终，我脱水又虚弱，无法行走，只能爬行。

Yush slept on the floor of my room for several days, missing classes to take care of me, and then took me to the emergency room.

尤什在我房间的地板上睡了好几天，为了照顾我缺课，然后带我去了急诊室。

In one email to him in 2005, after I broke up with my first boyfriend, I wrote, “sometimes…most times, i dont know what i would do without you.

2005 年，在我与第一个男朋友分手后，我在给他的一封电子邮件中写道：“有时……大多数时候，我不知道没有你我会做什么。

its you and me, forever.”

是你和我，永远。”

But in the last year of his life, we had spoken to each other only twice over the phone.

但在他生命的最后一年，我们只通过电话交谈过两次。

To each of us, the political was very much personal, stemming from wildly different responses to witnessing domestic violence within the deeply patriarchal culture of our Indian-American family.

对我们每个人来说，政治都是非常个人化的，源于我们在印裔美国人家庭根深蒂固的父权文化中目睹家庭暴力的截然不同的反应。

When he died, I believed that I didn’t know the facts of his life well enough to write his obituary.

当他去世时，我相信我对他生平的了解还不足以写他的讣告。

Worse, I feared that he wouldn’t have wanted me to write it.

更糟糕的是，我担心他不想让我写。

How do you write about someone you loved intensely, but didn’t really like?

如何写一个你深爱但并不真正喜欢的人？

After his death, I set out to report on his life by interviewing the people who were closest to him—the people who knew him in ways that I didn’t, the people that he touched and who had touched him.

他去世后，我开始通过采访与他最亲近的人来报道他的生活——那些以我不熟悉的方式认识他的人，那些他接触过的人和曾经接触过他的人。

The process was healing and heartbreaking.

这个过程是治愈又令人心碎的。

It made me realize that, despite our profound differences, no one was closer in Yush’s heart than me, and mine in his.

这让我意识到，尽管我们之间存在巨大差异，但在尤什的心里，没有人比我更亲近，而我的心里也没有比他更亲近的了。

In his life, I grieved the loss of a boy who had hardened himself to conform to societal expectations of manhood.

在他的一生中，我为失去一个男孩而感到悲伤，他坚强地遵守了社会对男子气概的期望。

Now, I mourn the death of a man who felt he had no choice but to be any other way.

现在，我对一个人的去世表示哀悼，他觉得自己别无选择，只能选择其他方式。

His former teaching assistant and close friend Boris Lipchin worked at SpaceX upon graduation and encouraged Yush to apply for an internship.

他的前助教兼好友鲍里斯·利普钦 (Boris Lipchin) 毕业后在 SpaceX 工作，并鼓励尤什申请实习机会。

As an intern, Yush helped build software for the Dragon, a space capsule that delivers cargo to the International Space Station.

作为一名实习生，尤什帮助为“龙”号太空舱开发了软件，龙号是一个向国际空间站运送货物的太空舱。

Yush’s code was launched to the International Space Station, and by the end of the summer, he was one of two interns with a job offer from SpaceX’s Flight Software Group.

Yush 的代码被发射到国际空间站，到夏末，他成为 SpaceX 飞行软件集团提供工作机会的两名实习生之一。

His code is still used in SpaceX’s Dragon missions to this day.

时至今日，他的代码仍在 SpaceX 的 Dragon 任务中使用。

But Yush turned down one of the most coveted jobs in engineering because he wanted to follow his own vision.

但尤什拒绝了工程领域最令人垂涎​​的工作之一，因为他想追随自己的愿景。

He took a less glamorous job at Intel, one that would give him ample time to work on his nascent company, Pensieve, with which he wanted to create an interactive platform that enabled anyone to create, edit, and teach online courses and books.

他在英特尔找到了一份不那么光鲜亮丽的工作，这份工作让他有充足的时间在他刚刚成立的公司 Pensieve 工作，他想通过这家公司创建一个交互式平台，让任何人都可以创建、编辑和教授在线课程和书籍。

Intel was one of the few traditional jobs he’d ever take—most of his adult life, he worked for other employers only when he was out of cash to fuel his own ventures.

英特尔是他从事过的为数不多的传统工作之一——在他成年后的大部分时间里，只有当他没有现金来支持自己的企业时，他才为其他雇主工作。

In the months before his death, Yush was engineering a system of blocks that could form the skeleton for any structure, inanimate or living, and take on its behavioral properties.

在他去世前的几个月里，尤什正在设计一个砌块系统，该系统可以形成任何结构的骨架，无论是无生命的还是有生命的，并具有其行为特性。

Though it sounds like science fiction, Yush’s abilities had long surpassed the realm of what I could imagine.

虽然听起来像是科幻小说，但尤什的能力早已超出了我所能想象的境界。

The implications for its use, according to his vision, were vast: He built a skeleton of a manta ray that looked and moved like the animal.

根据他的设想，其使用的意义是巨大的：他建造了一个蝠鲼的骨架，它的外观和动作都像这种动物。

There were other potential uses, too: “He wanted to be able to build homes for the floodplains in India, for people who, if the flood destroyed the homes, would be able to pick the pieces and build a new home out of it,” my dad told me.

还有其他潜在的用途：“他希望能够为印度的洪泛区建造房屋，如果洪水摧毁了房屋，人们能够将其拆散并建造新房屋，”我父亲告诉我。

Yush always walked his own path, guided by a strong, personal moral compass—a quality that Lipchin, and nearly everyone else I spoke to, greatly admired.

尤什总是在强大的个人道德指南的指引下走自己的路——这是利普钦和几乎所有与我交谈过的人都非常钦佩的品质。

“He really followed what he believed, and wouldn’t let our crap advice ever sway him,” Lipchin said.

“他真的遵循自己的信念，不会让我们的垃圾建议影响他，”利普钦说。

But as Lipchin told me, Yush “only saw the forest and never the trees”—a quality that got him in trouble, too.

但正如利普钦告诉我的那样，尤什“只见森林，不见树木”——这种品质也给他带来了麻烦。

When Yush moved across the country in 2016, from Boston to San Francisco, he lost all of his identification, including his birth certificate.

2016 年，当尤什从波士顿搬到旧金山时，他丢失了所有身份证明，包括出生证明。

Most people would panic, but according to one of Yush’s best friends from college, his reaction was to hail Uber rides around the city and ask the drivers for advice on what they would do if they lost their identity.

大多数人都会感到恐慌，但据尤什大学时最好的朋友之一说，他的反应是在城市里叫优步叫车，并向司机询问如果他们丢失了身份该怎么办。

My cousin remembers that later, when Yush needed to rent a car to attend a wedding, he realized that he had locked his license inside an electronic safe.

我表弟记得，后来，当尤什需要租车去参加婚礼时，他发现自己把驾照锁在了电子保险箱里。

But he couldn’t retrieve the license, because the safe’s battery had died, and he had amazingly also locked the physical key inside the safe (to keep the key safe, you see).

但他无法取回许可证，因为保险箱的电池没电了，而且令人惊讶的是，他还将物理钥匙锁在保险箱内（为了保证钥匙的安全，你看）。

It was late at night, hours before he needed to hit the road, and he needed to break into the safe—a task no mechanic would likely help him with.

当时已是深夜，距离他需要上路还有几个小时，他需要闯入保险箱——没有机械师可能会帮助他完成这项任务。

Late at night, he finally called up a friend who had a workshop, used an angle grinder to cut into the safe to get out his license.

深夜，他终于打电话给开作坊的朋友，用角磨机切入保险柜取出了驾照。

He made it to the wedding on time.

他准时参加了婚礼。

His last adventure sent him to Italy, from where, in late August 2017, we made a cautious attempt to reconnect through a phone call.

他最后一次冒险去了意大利，2017 年 8 月下旬，我们从那里谨慎地尝试通过电话重新联系。

He was due back to the United States in a few months.

他原定于几个月后返回美国。

Instead, he came back to Canada, where my parents live, in a body bag.

相反，他装在裹尸袋里回到了我父母居住的加拿大。

“Where do you sleep?” I asked, incredulous.

“你睡哪儿？”我难以置信地问道。

“In a sleeping bag on the floor,” he responded.

“在地板上的睡袋里，”他回答道。

When he was a co-founder of bitcoin start-up LibertyX, we were amazed to learn that Yush reserved his bedroom for his elaborate computer set-up.

当他还是比特币初创公司 LibertyX 的联合创始人时，我们惊讶地发现，Yush 为他精心设计的计算机设备保留了自己的卧室。

He slept in the walk-in closet.

他睡在步入式衣柜里。

So I was shocked when I learned that nearly overnight, in the months before his death, Yush had become rich.

因此，当我得知尤什在去世前的几个月里几乎一夜之间就变得富有时，我感到非常震惊。

Not through any of his start-up ventures, but by investing in bitcoin.

不是通过他的任何初创企业，而是通过投资比特币。

He understood bitcoin well: After shutting down his education tech start-up Pensieve, he was walking through Boston’s South Bay to use a bitcoin ATM.

他非常了解比特币：在关闭了他的教育科技初创公司 Pensieve 后，他步行穿过波士顿南湾使用比特币 ATM。

He told me that he was alarmed by the shoddy technology, contacted the founders of the company LibertyX, and outlined to them how he planned to hack their machines.

他告诉我，他对这种劣质技术感到震惊，并联系了 LibertyX 公司的创始人，并向他们概述了他计划如何入侵他们的机器。

They ended up hiring him as the company’s chief technology officer.

他们最终聘请他担任公司的首席技术官。

Today, the company serves thousands of stores in nearly every state across the country with a platform that Yush originally built.

如今，该公司通过 Yush 最初构建的平台为全国几乎每个州的数千家商店提供服务。

“He wrote a white paper on cryptocurrency and why Ethereum was going to skyrocket,” my dad told me.

“他写了一份关于加密货币以及以太坊为何会飙升的白皮书，”我爸爸告诉我。

“A number of his friends became rich off of him.”

“他的很多朋友都靠他致富了。”

None of us know how much Yush made, or where the bitcoin is now, but through his investments, he was able to bankroll at least $50,000 per month on running his new start-up, his former business partner, Nate Argetsinger, told me.

我们没人知道 Yush 赚了多少钱，也不知道比特币现在在哪里，但通过他的投资，他每月至少能筹集 5 万美元来运营他的新初创公司，他的前商业伙伴 Nate Argetsinger 告诉我。

Susan Farrington, a former CMU administrator and so-called “college mom” to Yush, told me that when she was between jobs, Yush suspected that she might be struggling.

前卡内基梅隆大学行政人员、尤什所谓的“大学妈妈”苏珊·法林顿 (Susan Farrington) 告诉我，当她在工作间隙时，尤什怀疑她可能会陷入困境。

He called her up one day and said, “By my calculations, you are probably having some financial difficulties by now.” After much persistence, he transferred $10,000 worth of bitcoin to Farrington.

有一天，他打电话给她说：“根据我的计算，你现在可能遇到了一些经济困难。”经过一番坚持，他将价值 10,000 美元的比特币转给了法灵顿。

“Honestly nobody has done anything like that for me,” she told me as her voice cracked.

“老实说，没有人为我做过这样的事，”她声音沙哑地告诉我。

“It made him happy.”

“这让他很高兴。”

Yush took only one self-indulgence: He spent thousands of dollars on a procedure in Italy that, he believed, would earn him more respect.

尤什只做了一次自我放纵：他花了数千美元在意大利进行了一次手术，他相信这将为他赢得更多尊重。

“Mental health has to be a priority for us,” she explained, “because we have to deal with very real things in the world that white people don’t.”

“心理健康必须成为我们的首要任务，”她解释说，“因为我们必须处理世界上白人不处理的非常现实的事情。”

Yet, according to the American Psychological Association, Asian-Americans are three times less likely to seek therapy than white people and, according to the National Center for Biotechnology Information, we are the ethnic group least likely to seek mental health services in America.

然而，根据美国心理学会的数据，亚裔美国人寻求治疗的可能性是白人的三倍，而且根据国家生物技术信息中心的数据，我们是美国最不可能寻求心理健康服务的族群。

The stigma in our culture is strong: Therapy is often dismissed as ineffective, and seeking help is seen as a sign of weakness and an inability to control emotion, especially among men.

我们的文化中存在着强烈的耻辱：治疗常常被认为无效而被忽视，寻求帮助被视为软弱和无法控制情绪的表现，尤其是在男性中。

As children, Yush and I both took cues from traditional ideas of our family: men were to be the strong breadwinners; women subservient and nurturing.

当我还是孩子的时候，尤什和我都从我们家庭的传统观念中得到了启发：男人应该成为养家糊口的人；男人应该成为养家糊口的人；女性服从和养育。

Women were emotional—a sign of weakness—men, the more logical thinkers, were not.

女人很情绪化，这是软弱的表现，而男人，作为更逻辑的思考者，则不然。

I was interested in the humanities and Yush in science, which only fueled the stereotypes in our household, where therapists were seen as quacks peddling pseudoscience.

我对人文学科感兴趣，而尤什对科学感兴趣，这只会助长我们家里的刻板印象，治疗师被视为兜售伪科学的庸医。

After Yush’s suicide attempt, our family hid the incident; none of us even told our tightknit extended family for months, perhaps over the fear of shame, or perhaps because of fear he, or we, would be seen differently.

尤什企图自杀后，我们的家人隐瞒了这件事；几个月来，我们甚至没有人告诉我们关系密切的大家庭，也许是因为害怕羞耻，或者也许是因为担心他或我们会被以不同的方式看待。

Yush had always been understated and more stoic than I, but after his suicide attempt, he struggled with expressing empathy and vulnerability with me.

尤什一直比我低调，更坚忍，但在他自杀未遂后，他很难向我表达同情和脆弱。

In an effort to survive in a new country—one that has a history of blocking brown immigrants from entry—my father emphasized education, like so many Indian immigrants do, in order to succeed.

为了在一个有着阻止黑人移民入境历史的新国家生存，我父亲像许多印度移民一样强调教育，以取得成功。

“The system has sort of reduced us to parts,” Prasad said.

普拉萨德说：“这个系统在某种程度上把我们变成了碎片。”

“We are these labels, we are people who have to succeed, who have to be productive.

“我们就是这些标签，我们是必须成功、必须富有成效的人。

There’s a hyper-emphasis on the mind.

过度强调头脑。

But the mind in the way that it’s used to succeed, not to understand oneself, not to be insight-oriented.”

但头脑是用来成功的，而不是用来理解自己的，不是以洞察力为导向的。”

In our Pittsburgh school, there were almost no other students of color, making us a minority amongst minorities.

在我们匹兹堡的学校里，几乎没有其他有色人种的学生，使我们成为少数族裔中的少数。

“Here you are, a young man, you’re the child of an immigrant, you can’t pass, you’re brown,” Prasad explained.

“你在这里，一个年轻人，你是移民的孩子，你不能通过，你是棕色人种，”普拉萨德解释道。

“You already have a propensity for depression.

“你已经有抑郁倾向了。

You are coming in and are under an immense pressure to succeed, to be really smart—and let’s be honest, in the beginning of life in the States, intelligence is not what makes you popular, for the most part.” The singular focus on academic success can be emasculating, especially in a culture that has already decided brown men are not the notion of masculinity.

你刚进来，承受着巨大的压力，要成功，要真正聪明——老实说，在美国，在人生的初期，智力在很大程度上并不是让你受欢迎的原因。”单一地关注学业成功可能会让人感到男性化，尤其是在一个已经认定棕色人种不代表男子气概的文化中。

“And if at home, you have a highly patriarchal family life, you’re not talking about what’s going on for you,” she added.

“如果在家里，你过着高度重男轻女的家庭生活，你就不会谈论你正在发生的事情，”她补充道。

Yush struggled with the idea of what a man looks like and must be, which in turn fueled a casual sexism that, from my perspective, slowly intensified.

尤什一直在思考男人应该是什么样子和应该是什么样子，这反过来又助长了一种随意的性别歧视，在我看来，这种性别歧视正在慢慢加剧。

In 2015, I remember attempting to disabuse him of the notion that women preferred to date assholes.

2015年，我记得我试图纠正他“女人更喜欢和混蛋约会”的观点。

A few months before he died, he stormed out on my grandfather when he learned that Dadaji identified as a feminist.

在他去世前几个月，当他得知达达吉自认为是女权主义者时，他对我祖父发起了猛烈的攻击。

After his death, my dad shared an email with me in which Yush had cited the deeply misogynistic Red Pill constitution—a manifesto that claims “Feminism is nothing more than a female supremacy movement posing as one of humanist egalitarianism”—as relevant commentary on psychology and sociology.

在他去世后，我父亲与我分享了一封电子邮件，其中尤什引用了极度厌恶女性的《红药丸宪法》——一份宣称“女权主义只不过是一场冒充人道主义平等主义的女性至上运动”的宣言——作为对心理学和社会学的相关评论。

The boy I had once loved retreated deeper and deeper beneath layers of resentment and anger until I barely recognized the man that he had become.

我曾经爱过的男孩在层层怨恨和愤怒之下退缩得越来越深，直到我几乎认不出他变成了什么样的人。

The feeling was mutual, though Yush was far more blunt and absolutist.

这种感觉是相互的，尽管尤什更加直率和专制。

“I don’t think we can be friends—and at this point I don’t want to be,” he wrote to me in an email in 2016.

“我认为我们不能成为朋友——目前我也不想成为朋友，”他在 2016 年给我的一封电子邮件中写道。

Referring to my feminism, he continued: “You’ve dedicated yourself to a political worldview, and one of its founding principles is hatred and disrespect towards people who are very much like me.”

谈到我的女权主义，他继续说道：“你致力于一种政治世界观，其基本原则之一就是对与我非常相似的人的仇恨和不尊重。”

Our estrangement happened suddenly, but in retrospect, it was not entirely unexpected.

我们的疏远发生得很突然，但回想起来，这并不完全出乎意料。

As children, we were united by our otherness in a world of white, clinging to the culture of ancestors we’d never known.

当我们还是孩子的时候，我们在一个白色的世界里因彼此的差异而团结在一起，坚守着我们从未了解过的祖先的文化。

Back then, my family appeared an impenetrable unit.

那时，我的家庭似乎是一个坚不可摧的整体。

But as I became a woman, one who clumsily began to question and prod and probe the double standards I saw, my outspokenness cracked our solid fortress.

但当我成为一名女性，开始笨拙地质疑、刺激和探究我所看到的双重标准时，我的直言不讳打破了我们坚固的堡垒。

In 2010, after I disagreed with a statement he’d made, my dad smashed a chair to pieces in front of me, screaming while verbally berating me, and threw me out of the house.

2010年，在我不同意他的说法后，我爸爸把我面前的一把椅子砸成碎片，一边尖叫一边辱骂我，然后把我赶出了家门。

In a separate incident in 2012, he smashed a plate over my head, which left a tender welt the size of my fist the week that I turned 26.

在 2012 年的另一起事件中，他在我头上砸碎了一个盘子，在我 26 岁那周，我的头上留下了拳头大小的伤口。

What I saw as clear-cut cases of domestic violence, Yush viewed as a multi-faceted, complicated dynamic in which I was always the instigator.

在我看来，家庭暴力是显而易见的案件，尤什则认为这是一个多方面、复杂的动态，而我始终是其中的煽动者。

By refusing to fall in line, I was the problem.

我拒绝排队，这就是问题所在。

At the end of 2015, our relationship became too toxic for me to sustain.

2015年底，我们的关系变得有毒，我无法维持。

I temporarily cut ties with Yush, and our falling-out propelled me to seek therapy.

我暂时与尤什断绝了联系，我们的争吵促使我寻求治疗。

I was finally becoming the woman I had always wanted to be, but was heartbroken that my brother, the person I loved more than anyone else in the world, seemingly hated that woman.

我终于成为了我一直想成为的女人，但令我心碎的是，我最爱的人，我最爱的人，却似乎讨厌那个女人。

I set out to find a therapist who could innately understand my experiences and met Prasad, a first-generation Indian-American woman and feminist, like me.

我开始寻找一位能够天生理解我的经历的治疗师，并遇到了普拉萨德，她是像我一样的第一代印度裔美国女性和女权主义者。

Both Yush and I were motivated by a vision of how we wanted to change the world around us.

尤什和我都被我们想要如何改变周围世界的愿景所激励。

However, where he applied his vision to the physical world, I applied my observations to social constructs, questioning and challenging the power structures around me.

然而，当他将他的视野应用于物质世界时，我将我的观察应用于社会结构，质疑和挑战我周围的权力结构。

I asked Prasad how Yush went from being my best friend to someone I couldn’t even speak to, especially since I believed that, at heart, we wanted the same things: to be free of societal expectations, and to be treated with respect and dignity regardless of appearance, race, or gender.

我问普拉萨德，尤什是如何从我最好的朋友变成一个我什至无法交谈的人，特别是因为我相信，从内心深处，我们想要同样的东西：不受社会期望的束缚，无论外表、种族或性别如何，都受到尊重和尊严的对待。

“The reality is, what patriarchy is meant to do is divide,” Prasad told me.

“现实是，父权制的目的就是分裂，”普拉萨德告诉我。

“Men can still be lured by it and think, O h if I take on these characteristics, I get what I want ,” she said.

“男人仍然会被它引诱并想，哦，如果我具有这些特征，我就会得到我想要的，”她说。

“As children, obviously it’s there, but it’s not emphasized in the same way as when you grow up.” But, she explained, Yush “could get power from the system that we’re talking about because he was a man, or a boy.

“作为孩子，显然它就在那里，但并没有像长大后那样强调。”但是，她解释说，尤什“可以从我们正在谈论的系统中获得力量，因为他是一个男人，或者一个男孩。

You were never going to be able to do that.”

你永远无法做到这一点。”

In November 2017, as I attempted to choose a casket and pick out what music would play at his funeral service, I learned the unsettling truth about why he had been in Italy.

2017 年 11 月，当我试图选择棺材并选择在他的葬礼上播放的音乐时，我了解到了他为何来到意大利的令人不安的真相。

Though Yush had told me in August that he was going overseas to work remotely on a new start-up company, he had lied.

尽管尤什在八月份告诉我他要去海外一家新的初创公司远程工作，但他撒了谎。

He was there to get limb-lengthening surgery, a lengthy procedure that involves sawing through the bone, drilling a nail and screws into it, and in the months afterward, slowly, painfully pulling the broken bones apart by a few millimeters, every day for months, to add a few inches of height.

他去那里接受肢体延长手术，这是一个漫长的手术，包括锯断骨头、钻钉子、拧入螺丝，然后在接下来的几个月里，缓慢而痛苦地把断骨拉开几毫米，持续几个月，每天都这样，以增加几英寸的高度。

Yush, who was about 5’7″, desperately wanted to be taller.

Yush 身高约 5 英尺 7 英寸，非常想长高。

I don’t know what Yush’s mental state was in the months, or even years, leading up to his death.

我不知道尤什在去世前的几个月甚至几年里的精神状态如何。

“He talked about seeing therapists in the past,” Chelsea Clark, who was dating him through the year before his death, told me.

“他谈到过去曾去看治疗师，”在他去世前一年与他约会的切尔西·克拉克告诉我。

“But he was very much like, I can do this myself .

“但他非常喜欢，我自己可以做到这一点。

I think he was also very skeptical of the psychiatric institutions.”

我认为他对精神病院也非常怀疑。”

“He was very inconsistent with his use of SSRIs and so he was constantly going on and off them,” she said.

“他对 SSRI 的使用非常不一致，所以他不断地使用和停止使用，”她说。

Yush’s view of manhood, coupled with unmanaged depression is one that, I think, inflicted pain, created resentment, and exacerbated his insecurities.

我认为，尤什对男子气概的看法，加上无法控制的抑郁症，给他带来了痛苦，产生了怨恨，并加剧了他的不安全感。

In 2015, a few months before our estrangement, Yush told me he was pushed out of the company he helped build with men he had thought of as brothers; the betrayal deepened a belief that he was not taken seriously, or treated with the same level of respect as other male entrepreneurs, despite his profound technical knowledge and general brilliance.

2015 年，就在我们疏远的前几个月，尤什告诉我，他被赶出了他与他视为兄弟的人共同创建的公司；他被赶出了公司。这次背叛加深了人们的信念：尽管他拥有深厚的技术知识和一般的才华，但他没有受到认真对待，也没有得到与其他男性企业家同等程度的尊重。

He told me that, should an asteroid fall on him tomorrow, it would be his fault because it would be something he should be able to prevent.

他告诉我，如果明天一颗小行星落在他身上，那将是他的错，因为这是他应该能够阻止的事情。

He took responsibility for everything that happened to him—a burden I cannot imagine, and an illusion of control that must have been crippling.

他对发生在他身上的一切负责——这是一种我无法想象的负担，一种控制的幻觉一定会造成严重的后果。

“Depression has a really powerful influence on how we understand ourselves.

“抑郁症对我们如何了解自己有着非常强大的影响。

Once you get into a depressive state, it tells you a lot of lies.

一旦你进入抑郁状态，它就会告诉你很多谎言。

It starts telling you nobody cares about you, or that you’re not good enough,” Prasad explained.

它开始告诉你没有人关心你，或者你不够好，”普拉萨德解释道。

“There are lots of people who have depression, who understand it, who manage it, who do what they need to do to get a little space from what the depression is saying and say wait a second, that’s the depression talking, that’s not the truth.

“有很多患有抑郁症的人，他们理解它，控制它，做他们需要做的事情，从抑郁症的言论中获得一点空间，然后说等一下，这是抑郁症的说法，这不是事实。

But unless you’re given those tools and you understand those tools, it’s really hard to do that when you’re depressed.”

但除非你得到这些工具并且你了解这些工具，否则当你抑郁时，真的很难做到这一点。”

I think that asking for help, or recognizing he might need it, was harder for Yush than hacking together a solution on his own.

我认为，对于尤什来说，寻求帮助，或者认识到自己可能需要帮助，比自己想出一个解决方案更困难。

But when Yush turned his analytical mind to solve social or emotional issues, his conclusions often worried me.

但当尤什将他的分析思维转向解决社会或情感问题时，他的结论常常让我感到担忧。

Yush saw his body as “another project,” Clark said.

克拉克说，尤什将他的身体视为“另一个项目”。

In an email exchange that she forwarded to me dated June 2017, Yush explained his reasons for wanting the procedure: “It’s definitely an unconventional decision,” he wrote, “but I think I’m being level-headed here.”

在她转发给我的日期为 2017 年 6 月的一封电子邮件中，尤什解释了他想要接受手术的原因：“这绝对是一个非常规的决定，”他写道，“但我认为我在这里很冷静。”

His research directed him to Dr. Jean-Marc Guichet, a French surgeon who developed a special surgical limb-lengthening technique that yielded faster, but presumably less painful, results.

他的研究将他引向了法国外科医生 Jean-Marc Guichet 博士，他开发了一种特殊的肢体延长手术技术，这种技术可以产生更快的效果，但可能也不会那么痛苦。

Though the surgery is also performed in the United States, where it can cost upwards of $100,000, Yush believed Dr. Guichet was a world expert.

尽管手术也在美国进行，费用可能高达 10 万美元，但 Yush 相信 Guichet 医生是一位世界级专家。

“This procedure is pretty safe, with no recorded patient (of thousands) having ever been handicapped,” Yush’s email continued.

尤什的电子邮件继续说道：“这个手术非常安全，没有记录的患者（数千名）曾经患有残疾。”

“I insisted on seeing the stats with the doc.”

“我坚持要和医生一起看统计数据。”

However, according to the website for the New York-based Institute for Limb Lengthening & Reconstruction, the development of a pulmonary embolism is a rare, but possible, risk: “Pulmonary embolism and deep vein thrombosis…

然而，根据纽约肢体延长与重建研究所的网站，肺栓塞的发生是一种罕见但可能的风险：“肺栓塞和深静脉血栓形成......

are rare with [limb lengthening] surgery, but they can occur and could lead to sudden shortness of breath, chronic leg swelling and even death.” The Paley Orthopedic and Spine Center in Florida says on its website that “prevention is key” and that it sends “each patient home with a prescription for an anticoagulation drug” to prevent deep vein thrombosis and pulmonary embolisms.

这种情况在[肢体延长]手术中很少见，但也有可能发生，并可能导致突然呼吸急促、慢性腿部肿胀甚至死亡。”佛罗里达州佩利骨科和脊柱中心在其网站上表示，“预防是关键”，该中心向“每位患者送回家一张抗凝药物处方”，以预防深静脉血栓形成和肺栓塞。

Guichet told me that the surgery he provides is safer, and leads to fewer complications, than traditional limb-lengthening procedures.

吉谢特告诉我，他提供的手术比传统的肢体延长手术更安全，并发症也更少。

“99% of patients worldwide are operated on with external fixators, but I developed 33 years ago the only fully weight-bearing nail in the world at that time,” Guichet wrote via email.

“全世界 99% 的患者都使用外固定器进行手术，但我在 33 年前开发了当时世界上唯一完全承重的钉子，”吉谢特在电子邮件中写道。

“Of course, it benefits a lot of patients and like all surgical procedures it has implications or complications, but far less than external fixators.” His website touts the ability to “recover walking, right after surgery,” among several success stories.

“当然，它使很多患者受益，并且像所有外科手术一样，它也会产生影响或并发症，但远小于外固定器。”他的网站在几个成功案例中宣传了“手术后立即恢复行走”的能力。

Nowhere does it mention that one of his patients died from a pulmonary embolism during the recovery period, nor does it list pulmonary embolism as one of the potential risks of the procedure.

它没有提到他的一名患者在恢复期间死于肺栓塞，也没有将肺栓塞列为该手术的潜在风险之一。

Citing privacy concerns, Guichet declined to discuss any aspect of Yush’s procedure or recovery with me unless I met him in person in Milan, but wrote in an email that patients “are obviously informed” about the risk of pulmonary embolisms and their symptoms.

以隐私问题为由，吉谢特拒绝与我讨论尤什手术或康复的任何方面，除非我亲自在米兰见到他，但他在一封电子邮件中写道，患者“显然被告知”肺栓塞的风险及其症状。

Guichet also said that he generally prescribes preventative medication to lessen the risk of pulmonary embolisms and informs patients what to do if symptoms of a pulmonary embolism occur.

吉谢特还表示，他通常会开预防性药物来降低肺栓塞的风险，并告知患者如果出现肺栓塞症状该怎么办。

(I do not know how aware Yush was of such a risk, whether he was prescribed any medications to prevent its onset, or whether he knew what symptoms to identify should it develop.)

（我不知道尤什对这种风险的认识程度如何，是否给他开了任何药物来预防这种风险，也不知道他是否知道如果出现这种风险应识别哪些症状。）

Clark, along with my parents and his friends, tried to talk Yush out of the surgery, but he refused to reconsider.

克拉克、我的父母和他的朋友们试图说服尤什放弃手术，但他拒绝重新考虑。

“There’s a huge social stigma in our culture against body modification.

“在我们的文化中，对身体改造存在着巨大的社会耻辱。

Basically, if you change yourself through what sound like ‘extreme’ measures to change yourself or whatever, it comes off like you’re just really insecure,” Yush wrote in the email.

基本上，如果你通过听起来像是‘极端’的措施来改变自己或其他什么，就会让人觉得你真的没有安全感，”尤什在电子邮件中写道。

“In the future, it’s probably going to be totally normal for people to get body modifications like cybernetic implants and stuff.

“未来，人们接受控制论植入等身体改造可能会变得完全正常。

At that time, getting longer legs is going to seem like a pretty mundane thing to do.

到那时，让腿更长似乎是一件很平常的事情。

I just don’t hold the same stigmas that other people do on how I should behave.”

我只是不像其他人那样对我应该如何表现抱有同样的耻辱。”

Yush attempted to convince Clark that his decision was based on logic and not on insecurity.

尤什试图让克拉克相信他的决定是基于逻辑而不是不安全感。

But in the medical industry, his relationship with his height could have been characterized as “height dysphoria,” a “dissatisfaction with one’s stature that affects a person’s mood and thoughts about themselves,” according to Ellen Katz Westrich, a clinical psychologist at New York University’s Langone Medical Center who assesses candidates for limb-lengthening surgery at the Institute for Limb Lengthening & Reconstruction.

但在医疗行业，他与身高的关系可以被描述为“身高不安”，一种“对身高的不满，会影响一个人的情绪和对自己的想法”，纽约大学朗格医学中心的临床心理学家埃伦·卡茨·韦斯特里奇（Ellen Katz Westrich）负责评估肢体延长与重建研究所的肢体延长手术候选人。

Because of the risks associated with limb-lengthening surgery—which includes long-term damage to nerves, limitation of joint motion, chronic pain, and in rare cases, pulmonary embolisms—Westrich cautions that “although the procedure is performed for cosmetic reasons, it is not in the same dimension as other cosmetic procedures such as facelifts, breast augmentation and nose jobs.”

由于肢体延长手术存在风险，包括长期神经损伤、关节活动受限、慢性疼痛，以及极少数情况下的肺栓塞，韦斯特里奇警告说，“虽然该手术是出于美容原因而进行，但它与整容、隆胸和隆鼻等其他整容手术的规模不同。”

Westrich said that she sees many more men with height dysphoria than women.

韦斯特里奇说，她发现患有身高焦虑症的男性比女性多得多。

Men she’s counseled, she said, often “feel like they’re at a disadvantage.

她说，她咨询过的男性常常“感觉自己处于劣势。

They feel like they’re not taken as seriously in terms of work environment.

他们觉得自己在工作环境方面没有受到重视。

They feel like romantic partners don’t see them as being as attractive as they could be if they were taller,” she said.

他们觉得，如果他们长得更高，浪漫的伴侣不会认为他们那么有吸引力，”她说。

If that dissatisfaction becomes a fixation, however, in which a perceived lack of height turns into “an unhealthy obsession and preoccupation with a perceived physical imperfection,” a candidate might suffer from a form of Body Dysmorphic Disorder, making them a poor candidate for surgery.

然而，如果这种不满变成了一种固执，即认为身高不足变成了“对认为的身体缺陷的不健康的痴迷和全神贯注”，那么候选人可能会患有某种形式的身体变形障碍，使他们成为不适合接受手术的候选人。

The condition is “on the spectrum of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and surgery is not going to correct that,” she explained.

她解释说，这种情况“属于强迫症的范围，手术无法纠正这种情况”。

“It’s a psychological problem, and surgery is not going to address the fundamental problem.”

“这是一个心理问题，手术并不能解决根本问题。”

Guichet’s website acknowledges that patients like Yush, who pursue limb lengthening for purely cosmetic reasons, “are really asking the surgeon for a solution to their psychological issue or insecurity,” and “This means that we have to carefully evaluate and coach the patient psychiatrically to ensure their informed decision will have the best possible results.” Yush passed Guichet’s evaluation, and he arranged the surgery in Italy.

Guichet的网站承认，像Yush这样纯粹出于美容原因而追求肢体延长的患者“实际上是在要求外科医生解决他们的心理问题或不安全感”，并且“这意味着我们必须仔细评估和指导患者的精神状况，以确保他们明智的决定能够获得最佳结果。” Yush通过了Guichet的评估，并在意大利安排了手术。

There is no universal standard for evaluations, and I do not know what the process, surgery, or recovery period specifically entailed.

没有一个通用的评估标准，我也不知道具体的过程、手术或恢复期是什么。

I do know, however, that Yush experienced alarming symptoms the week that he died: After returning from the gym earlier that week, he told Clark he thought he had experienced a heart attack.

然而，我确实知道尤什在去世的那一周经历了令人震惊的症状：那周早些时候从健身房回来后，他告诉克拉克他认为自己心脏病发作了。

Hours before he died, he was coughing while on the phone with my dad.

在他去世前几个小时，他在与我父亲通电话时咳嗽。

My dad, who is a doctor, told Yush to go to the ER immediately.

我的父亲是一名医生，他告诉尤什立即去急诊室。

To my knowledge, Yush didn’t reach out for help until it was too late.

据我所知，尤什没有寻求帮助，直到为时已晚。

“The way that he died is something that I struggle with,” I told Prasad.

“他的死法让我很痛苦，”我告诉普拉萨德。

“I wouldn’t have been having this conversation with you, or working on this essay, if he had died in a plane crash, or a freak accident.” Undertaking such an invasive cosmetic surgery, and adding risk on top of risk by pursuing it in isolation in a foreign country, “isn’t just something that someone does, or something that happens randomly, and that needs to be interrogated,” I said.

“如果他死于飞机失事或一场离奇的事故，我就不会和你进行这次谈话，也不会写这篇文章。”进行这样的侵入性整容手术，并通过在国外孤立地进行手术而增加风险，“不仅仅是某人所做的事情，也不是随机发生的事情，需要进行审问，”我说。

There are, of course, myriad reasons why someone would undergo such an extensive procedure, and many of these reasons come from a healthy place.

当然，有人会接受如此广泛的手术有无数的原因，其中许多原因都来自健康的地方。

But as Prasad explained, the source is key: Did this come from an internal place that says, “This is who I am”?

但正如普拉萨德所解释的那样，来源是关键：这是否来自一个内在的地方，说“这就是我”？

Or did this come from a sense of not being good enough–of believing that his self-worth was based on what he accomplished, how tall he was, and what he looked like?

或者这是否来自于一种不够优秀的感觉——相信他的自我价值是基于他所取得的成就、他的身高和他的长相？

While the decisions he made were his own, I believe that Yush felt that society’s narrow confines of what it means to be a man—especially a brown man in America—offered him little choice.

虽然他做出的决定是他自己做出的，但我相信尤什认为，社会对作为一个男人的意义的狭隘限制——尤其是美国的棕色人种——让他别无选择。

I see the pain of a sensitive boy who succumbed to the impossible, unforgiving demands of an unhealthy relationship to masculinity; fostered by a patriarchal Indian-American household; and exacerbated within a male-dominated, libertarian tech industry where the success of certain men was treated as self-evident proof of their superiority.

我看到了一个敏感男孩的痛苦，他屈服于与男性气概的不健康关系所带来的不可能的、无情的要求；由父系印裔美国家庭抚养；在男性主导、自由主义的科技行业，这种现象更加严重，某些男性的成功被视为其优越性的不言而喻的证明。

Yush’s observations about power, masculinity, and his standing in the world were not incorrect.

尤什对权力、男子气概以及他在世界上的地位的观察并没有错。

Research has shown that tall people are richer and more successful, and Western culture has a long history of trying to emasculate Asian-American men (East Asian men in particular) that can be traced to the 1800s, when Chinese men emigrating to the United States during the gold rush were viewed by whites as an economic and racial threat.

研究表明，个子高的人更富有、更成功，西方文化试图阉割亚裔美国男性（尤其是东亚男性）的历史可以追溯到1800年代，当时淘金热期间移民到美国的中国男性被白人视为经济和种族威胁。

Anti-miscegenation laws, formed in the 1660s to bar marriages between white people and black slaves and codify white racial purity, quickly expanded in the early 1900s to include the small but growing population of Asian-Americans in an effort to preserve whiteness.

1660 年代制定的反异族通婚法旨在禁止白人与黑人奴隶之间的婚姻，并将白人种族纯洁性编入法典，该法在 1900 年代初期迅速扩大到包括少数但不断增长的亚裔美国人，以努力维护白人身份。

These laws remained on the books even after segregation ended, until 1967, the same year my Dadaji brought his wife and three children to Canada.

即使种族隔离结束后，这些法律仍然保留在书中，直到 1967 年，同年我的达达吉带着他的妻子和三个孩子来到加拿大。

Such laws are now relics of the past, but the stereotypes they codified persist.

这些法律现在已成为过去的遗物，但它们所编纂的陈规定型观念仍然存在。

In American movies and television, Indian men have historically been portrayed as nerdy and unable to attract women, like Raj in the Big Bang Theory , or as thickly-accented human punchlines, like Apu on the Simpsons .

在美国电影和电视中，印度男性历来被描绘成书呆子，无法吸引女性，就像《生活大爆炸》中的拉杰，或者是带有浓重口音的人类笑点，就像《辛普森一家》中的阿普。

On dating site OkCupid, among men, Asians have the fewest responses—a statistic that Yush often cited, before he created an algorithm to attempt to improve his odds on the dating site.

在约会网站 OkCupid 上，在男性中，亚洲人的回应最少——尤什在创建算法试图提高在约会网站上的胜算之前经常引用这一统计数据。

While Yush and I saw some of the same problems in society, our responses were opposite: I have found a community of people who reject stereotypical gender identities, roles, and behaviors, whereas I think Yush internalized these messages, deepening insecurities that burrowed even further due to unmanaged depression.

虽然尤什和我在社会上看到了一些相同的问题，但我们的反应却相反：我发现一个社区的人拒绝刻板的性别身份、角色和行为，而我认为尤什将这些信息内化了，加深了不安全感，由于无法控制的抑郁症而进一步加深了不安全感。

As a boy and then a man, he was discouraged from connecting with his feelings and saw that to express vulnerability is to be feminine and weak.

作为一个男孩，后来成为一个男人，他不鼓励与自己的感情联系，并认为表达脆弱就是女性化和软弱。

Rather than blaming a greater system of patriarchy and white supremacy for these double standards, under which we all suffer, he blamed feminists like me.

他没有将这些双重标准归咎于更大的父权制和白人至上制度，而我们都在这种双重标准下受苦。他指责的是像我这样的女权主义者。

Writer and filmmaker Imran Siddiquee, who was raised Muslim, wrote in 2016 about the damaging effect that ideals of white supremacy and masculinity had on them as a brown person: “I carried with me, for a long time, that feeling of exclusion, resentment, and belief that my self-worth was tied to my ability to control my surroundings…

成长为穆斯林的作家兼电影制片人伊姆兰·西迪奎 (Imran Siddiquee) 在 2016 年写道，白人至上和男子气概的理想对棕色人种产生了破坏性影响：“很长一段时间以来，我一直怀着一种被排斥、怨恨的感觉，并相信我的自我价值与我控制周围环境的能力息息相关......

It was an illogical mess, but all that mattered was that I felt superior — in some way, to someone.

这是一团不合逻辑的混乱，但重要的是我感觉自己很优越——在某种程度上，比某人优越。

And actually, most often, those ‘someones’ were women.” Siddiquee worked hard to check all the boxes of masculinity–achieving power, showing force by bullying others, degrading women and seeing them as nothing but sexual conquests.

事实上，大多数情况下，这些‘人’都是女性。”西迪基努力检查男性气质的所有条件——获得权力，通过欺凌他人来展示力量，贬低女性，并将她们视为性征服。

Yet, this display of masculinity wasn’t good enough: They were still rejected by the dominant white culture.

然而，这种男性气质的表现还不够好：他们仍然被占主导地位的白人文化所拒绝。

Eventually, it dawned on them: “I was struggling for acceptance into a club which you can never quite get into.” Siddiquee ultimately rejected the culture that refused to accept them, and now writes about the need for diversity, inclusion, and feminism.

最终，他们明白了：“我一直在努力争取加入一个你永远无法完全融入的俱乐部。”西迪奎最终拒绝了拒绝接受他们的文化，现在写下了对多样性、包容性和女权主义的需求。

I think that Yush, on the other hand, was still trying to find admission into a club that was never going to accept him.

另一方面，我认为尤什仍在试图进入一个永远不会接受他的俱乐部。

I believe even more intensely than ever that rigid gender roles harm men, too, and the effects can be deadly.

我比以往任何时候都更加坚信，僵化的性别角色也会伤害男性，而且其影响可能是致命的。

But as a woman, and as the defiant sister who had challenged the natural order of her patriarchal family, though I was the closest to Yush, I had also become the person least likely to reach him.

但作为一个女人，作为一个挑战父权家庭自然秩序的挑衅姐姐，虽然我是尤什最亲近的人，但我也成为了最不可能接触到他的人。

Many nights, he visits me in my dreams.

很多个夜晚，他都会在我的梦中拜访我。

He always appears as he did when we were still close.

他总是像我们还很亲近时那样出现。

In one dream, he has a terminal illness and I’m trying to cheer him up.

在一个梦中，他得了绝症，我正在努力让他振作起来。

In another dream, we are kids at an amusement park with our parents and he turns to me and says, “That was the best day of my life.” Then he looks down and says he knows he’s going to die soon.

在另一个梦中，我们是孩子，和父母一起在游乐园里，他转向我说：“那是我一生中最美好的一天。”然后他低下头说他知道自己很快就会死。

We both hold hands and cry.

我们俩手牵着手，哭了。

Then I wake up.

然后我就醒了。

These visions haunt me, but even though they are sad, I look forward to them.

这些景象困扰着我，但尽管它们很悲伤，但我还是很期待它们。

For a few seconds, I’m able to experience his embrace; I can ruffle his hair in the sisterly way that no one else could get away with; I can feel his warmth.

有那么几秒钟，我能感受到他的拥抱；我可以以姐妹般的方式抚摸他的头发，这是其他人无法逃脱的；我能感受到他的温暖。

For a flash, he is alive.

一瞬间，他还活着。

And in these moments, I once again feel his love for me.

而在这些时刻，我再次感受到他对我的爱。

Prachi Gupta was a senior reporter at Jezebel.

普拉奇·古普塔 (Prachi Gupta) 是《耶洗别》的高级记者。

Her first book, about Rep.

她的第一本书是关于众议员的。

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, is out this November from Workman Publishing.

亚历山大·奥卡西奥-科尔特斯 (Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez) 于今年 11 月从 Workman Publishing 出版。