Disposable Heroes – Bookforum Magazine

“IF YOU WANT A HAPPY ENDING,” Orson Welles once quipped, “that depends, of course, on where you stop your story.” But sometimes, it’s not that the story stops so much as that the audience stops paying attention.

“如果你想要一个幸福的结局，”奥逊·威尔斯曾经打趣道，“当然，这取决于你的故事在哪里结束。”但有时，并不是故事停止了，而是观众停止了注意力。

This might be one way to think of #MeToo, which, in the years since it has faded from prominence, has been historicized in largely triumphalist terms.

这可能是思考“#MeToo”运动的一种方式，自从它逐渐淡出人们的视线以来，它已经在很大程度上以胜利主义的方式被历史化了。

One version of the story goes something like this: there used to be evil men who harassed and attacked women, and because these men were powerful, or seemed so, nobody stopped them.

这个故事的一个版本是这样的：过去有邪恶的男人骚扰和攻击妇女，因为这些男人很强大，或者看起来很强大，所以没有人阻止他们。

But then, all that changed.

但后来，一切都变了。

Some women began to tell the truth, in public, about what had happened to them.

一些女性开始在公开场合说出发生在她们身上的真相。

And others joined them.

其他人也加入了他们。

They felt compelled to speak—empowered, at last, by each other’s example.

他们感到有必要发言——最终，彼此的榜样赋予了他们力量。

One by one, abusive men were felled, like Samson after a haircut; their money and status were no match for the women’s moral authority.

施虐者被一一击倒，就像理发后的参孙一样；她们的金钱和地位无法与女性的道德权威相匹敌。

The women were heroes, restored, at last, to a place of public respect by the force of their testimony.

这些妇女都是英雄，她们的证言最终使她们重新获得了公众的尊重。

And we, the audience, were changed.

而我们，观众，也被改变了。

We were enlightened and made more empathetic; we were reminded of the power of speaking the truth.

我们受到启发，变得更有同理心；我们想起说真话的力量。

This, generally, is where the story stops: on a happy ending.

一般来说，故事到这里就结束了：幸福的结局。

The curtain lowers, and the lights fade as cheers echo in the mezzanine.

帷幕落下，灯光渐渐暗淡，欢呼声在夹层楼回荡。

One Way Back , Christine Blasey Ford’s memoir of her testimony at the confirmation hearings of now–Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh and its aftermath, extends the scene a little further, into the months and years that followed her public disclosure.

克里斯汀·布莱西·福特 (Christine Blasey Ford) 的回忆录《一路走来》(One Way Back) 记录了她在现任最高法院法官布雷特·卡瓦诺 (Brett Kavanaugh) 确认听证会上的证词及其后果，将这一场景进一步延伸到了她公开披露后的数月乃至数年。

This prolonged attention reveals a more complicated and difficult story than the typically pat histories of #MeToo allow.

这种长期的关注揭示了一个比典型的#MeToo 历史更复杂、更困难的故事。

Ford is one of the most famous accusers of the #MeToo era, and the movement’s dimming hopes were already becoming apparent as her story was unfolding.

福特是“#MeToo”时代最著名的指控者之一，随着她的故事的展开，该运动的希望已经越来越渺茫。

Unlike some of #MeToo’s other prominent public figures, Ford didn’t choose to testify; instead, she was all but forced to.

与#MeToo运动中的其他一些知名公众人物不同，福特没有选择出庭作证；而是选择出庭作证。相反，她几乎是被迫的。

Most important, her words were futile: the man she says assaulted her when she was in high school was not vanquished by her declaration.

最重要的是，她的话是徒劳的：她所说的在她高中时袭击她的那个男人并没有被她的声明所击败。

He was confirmed to the Supreme Court, where he went on to vote to overturn Roe v.

他被确认进入最高法院，并在那里投票推翻了罗伊诉案件。

Wade .

韦德.

Instead of triumph, Ford’s story is one of anxiety, humiliation, ostracism, torment, and defeat.

福特的故事不是胜利，而是焦虑、羞辱、排斥、折磨和失败。

And so her account undermines the cheap sentimentality typical of conventional liberal accounts of #MeToo—from the solemn faces of Taylor Swift and Ashley Judd, dubbed “The Silence Breakers,” on the cover of Time magazine in 2017, to the schlocky righteousness of Carey Mulligan and Zoe Kazan in the Harvey Weinstein reporting drama She Said .

因此，她的叙述破坏了#MeToo传统自由主义叙述中典型的廉价感伤——从2017年《时代》杂志封面上被称为“沉默打破者”的泰勒·斯威夫特和阿什莉·贾德的严肃面孔，到哈维·韦恩斯坦报道剧《她说》中凯瑞·穆里根和佐伊·卡赞的粗俗正义。

In One Way Back , “courage”—that faintly condescending term with which public survivors like Ford are usually praised—does not enter into it.

在《回归之路》中，“勇气”——这个略带居高临下的词，通常用来赞扬像福特这样的公众幸存者——并没有出现在其中。

Instead, Ford’s story guides readers to an uncomfortable awareness: that #MeToo, for all the spectacle and moral edification that it was supposed to provide for its audience, demanded something much darker and costlier from the women at its center.

相反，福特的故事引导读者产生一种令人不安的意识：#MeToo，尽管它本应为观众提供各种奇观和道德教化，却要求其中心的女性做一些更黑暗、更昂贵的事情。

THERE’S NO USE SUGARCOATING IT: One Way Back is an artifact of a devastated life.

给它涂上糖衣是没有用的：回归之路是一个被毁灭的生活的产物。

Ford’s memoir is not heavy on self-pity.

福特的回忆录并没有太多自怜的成分。

She is tactful, generous, and frequently funny.

她机智、慷慨，而且常常很有趣。

But the testimony and its aftermath have ruinously altered her life.

但证词及其后果彻底改变了她的生活。

Ford is a haunted woman, burdened by the past and the need—sometimes desperate—to create meaning from it.

福特是一位心神不宁的女人，她背负着过去的重担，并且需要（有时甚至是绝望的）从中创造意义。

What she is haunted by is not sexual assault.

她所困扰的并不是性侵犯。

Though the memoir covers Ford’s childhood and time in high school, there is relatively little about the famous night in the summer of 1982, which she painstakingly and convincingly recounted in the Senate: the night when, according to Ford, a drunk Brett Kavanaugh shoved her onto a bed, covered her mouth with his hand to stifle her screams, and tried to take off her clothes as his friend laughed.

尽管这本回忆录涵盖了福特的童年和高中时光，但关于 1982 年夏天那个著名的夜晚的内容相对较少，她在参议院煞费苦心、令人信服地讲述了这个夜晚：根据福特的说法，那天晚上，醉酒的布雷特·卡瓦诺将她推到床上，用手捂住她的嘴以阻止她的尖叫，并在他的朋友大笑时试图脱掉她的衣服。

When Ford comes to this moment, she pointedly refuses to recount it again.

当福特谈到这一刻时，她明确拒绝再次讲述这件事。

“I’ve already publicly described in detail what happened to me during that party when I went upstairs to use the bathroom,” she writes.

“我已经公开详细描述了在那场聚会上我上楼去洗手间时发生的事情，”她写道。

“The transcriptions of it reside in the annals of our judicial records or just beyond an easy Google search for anyone interested.” There’s a tinge of frustration here, a slightly caustic repulsion at the prospect of returning to this event yet another time, for yet another audience.

“它的转录记录在我们的司法记录中，或者任何感兴趣的人都无法在谷歌上轻松搜索到。”这里有一丝挫败感，对再次为另一位观众重返这一活动的前景感到一丝刻薄的排斥。

But that’s because the scene at the high school party is not the story that One Way Back seeks to tell.

但那是因为高中聚会的场景并不是《一程归来》想要讲述的故事。

The book shows that the central catastrophe of Ford’s life—the one that wreaks the greatest psychic and material havoc—is not the sexual assault she was subjected to in high school.

这本书表明，福特生活中的主要灾难——造成最大的精神和物质破坏的灾难——并不是她在高中时遭受的性侵犯。

It is what happened to her when she tried to talk about it.

当她试图谈论这件事时，这就是发生在她身上的事情。

#MeToo’s conventional narrative does not always allow for this distinction.

#MeToo 的传统叙述并不总是允许这种区别。

In that era, sexual violence and its disclosure were presented as two phases of the same experience, one which begins with being attacked and ends with “telling your story.” But being assaulted and disclosing that assault publicly are very different ordeals.

在那个时代，性暴力及其披露被呈现为同一经历的两个阶段，一个阶段以被攻击开始，以“讲述你的故事”结束。但受到攻击和公开披露攻击行为是截然不同的考验。

Nearly every woman you know has been through the former—fewer than one in a hundred have been through the latter.

几乎每一个你认识的女性都经历过前者，只有不到百分之一的女性经历过后者。

To name the sexual violence in your past, and to become the focus of a reckoning over that naming, is its own trial, entirely new and distinct from the attack itself.

为你过去的性暴力命名，并成为对这一命名进行清算的焦点，是它自己的审判，全新的，与攻击本身不同。

This public exposure and the process of recounting—which is met with rejection, humiliation, and retaliation from your opponents, alternating with the cooingly sentimental and ceaselessly patronizing descriptions of your “bravery” from what pass for friends—is what we commonly call “coming forward.” It is an emotional and psychic undertaking that few ever endure willingly, and even fewer understand.

这种公开曝光和重新叙述的过程——会遭到对手的拒绝、羞辱和报复，同时还伴随着对你的“勇敢”的低声感伤和居高临下的描述，这就是我们通常所说的“挺身而出”。这是一项情感和精神上的事业，很少有人愿意忍受，理解的人就更少了。

It’s the kind of experience that, once you’ve had it, you won’t quite trust anyone who hasn’t ever again.

这种经历一旦你经历过，你就不会再相信任何没有经历过的人。

This ritual humiliation is meant to be something that the public survivor does on behalf of other women, making her their symbolic representative.

这种仪式性的羞辱是公众幸存者代表其他女性所做的事情，使她成为她们的象征性代表。

They cannot, or dare not, expose themselves; she does it for them.

他们不能、也不敢暴露自己；她为他们做这件事。

But disclosure makes the public survivor different from the non-reporting rape victim, makes them strangers to each other.

但披露使公开的幸存者与未举报的强奸受害者有所不同，使他们彼此陌生。

Now, long after her moment of scrutiny has passed, Ford is still figuring out how to live in the shadow of her exposure.

现在，在她的审视时刻过去很久之后，福特仍在思考如何生活在她曝光的阴影下。

Her transformation is dramatic.

她的转变是戏剧性的。

At the beginning of the book, before she becomes a public figure, Ford is goofy, laid back.

在书的开头，在她成为公众人物之前，福特是傻乎乎的，悠闲的。

She’s conflict-averse, loyal to friends, and self-consciously apolitical.

她厌恶冲突，对朋友忠诚，而且自觉不关心政治。

“Christine” sees herself as an outsider, maybe a bit of a rebel, and has endearingly stereotypical Gen X sensibilities.

“克里斯汀”认为自己是一个局外人，也许有点叛逆，并且具有可爱的刻板 X 世代情感。

(She seems a little bit proud of how much she loves Pearl Jam and Metallica.) She never wanted to be famous.

（她似乎对自己对 Pearl Jam 和 Metallica 的热爱感到有点自豪。）她从来不想出名。

In fact, she writes with thinly veiled distaste about growing up in suburban DC, among the try-hard and haughty children of the political class.

事实上，她在写作中毫不掩饰地厌恶自己在华盛顿郊区长大的政治阶层的努力和傲慢的孩子们。

(Kavanaugh, like Ford, attended one of the area’s fancier prep schools.

（卡瓦诺和福特一样，就读于该地区一所更高级的预科学校。

He was the son of a powerful judge.) She never quite felt like she fit in.

他是一位有权有势的法官的儿子。）她从来不觉得自己融入其中。

When college rolled around, she was happy to escape.

当大学来临的时候，她很高兴能够逃离。

Ford found herself more at home in California, where she went to graduate school.

福特发现自己在加利福尼亚州更自在，她在那里读了研究生。

It had a slower pace and the kind of relentless cheerfulness that can only emerge among people who don’t experience winter.

节奏较慢，还有那种只有没有经历过冬天的人才能体会到的无情的快乐。

Californians are enamored of the future; in the sunshine, the past can come to seem very small and far away.

加州人对未来着迷；在阳光下，过去会显得非常渺小和遥远。

Ford came to love surfing—a source of One Way Back ’s many metaphors and digressions—and spent much of her twenties flirting with a series of affable, sand-caked men in beach-town bars.

福特开始喜欢上冲浪——这是《一路走来》中许多隐喻和题外话的来源——她二十多岁时的大部分时间都在海滩小镇的酒吧里与一系列和蔼可亲、浑身是沙的男人调情。

Along the way, she discovered a love of statistics, and became an expert in their use in psychology research.

一路走来，她发现了对统计学的热爱，并成为了心理学研究中统计学应用的专家。

She moved to the Bay Area, met her husband on a dating site, and settled down.

她搬到了湾区，在交友网站上认识了她的丈夫，然后定居下来。

In these early chapters, Ford is playful, gentle, and markedly unambitious.

在这些早期章节中，福特顽皮、温柔，而且明显没有野心。

Her main traits appear to be a good-natured guilelessness and a healthy unwillingness to take herself too seriously.

她的主要特征似乎是心地善良、朴实无华，并且不愿把自己看得太严肃。

She dyes her hair blue in the summers—a mark of the end of teaching each May—and spends a lot of time on the beach in the hippieish and unhurried town of Santa Cruz, enjoying its contrast with the striving tech types of Palo Alto, where she lives and teaches.

她在夏天把头发染成蓝色——这标志着每年五月教学的结束——并在嬉皮而悠闲的圣克鲁斯小镇的海滩上度过了很多时间，享受它与她居住和教学的帕洛阿尔托的奋进的科技类型的对比。

History can be cruel and capricious this way: it often seizes upon the people who seem least prepared to become its protagonists.

历史就是这样残酷而反复无常：它常常抓住那些似乎最不准备成为主角的人。

I find these chapters, in which Ford describes her life of mild suburban rebellions, to be among the book’s most painful.

我发现福特在这些章节中描述了她温和的郊区叛逆生活，是这本书中最痛苦的章节之一。

She’s so vivid and ordinary, this heavy metal mom in a minivan, so familiar.

她是如此生动而平凡，这个开着小货车的重金属妈妈，如此熟悉。

She has no idea what is coming.

她不知道接下来会发生什么。

Ford learned of Justice Anthony Kennedy’s retirement in the summer of 2018.

福特于 2018 年夏天得知大法官安东尼·肯尼迪退休的消息。

She was almost immediately struck with the fear that Kavanaugh would be tapped to replace him.

她几乎立刻就担心卡瓦诺会被任命接替他。

In the years since that party, Ford had kept distant tabs on Kavanaugh, feeling tethered to him by the ambivalent connection that keeps many women aware of their attackers’ lives.

在那次聚会之后的几年里，福特一直对卡瓦诺保持着遥远的关注，他感觉自己被这种矛盾的联系所束缚，这种矛盾的联系让许多女性了解袭击者的生活。

She knew bits and pieces about him: that he’d clerked for Kennedy and had gone on to become a hotshot lawyer working for Republicans back in DC.

她对他有一些了解：他曾为肯尼迪担任书记员，后来成为一名在华盛顿为共和党工作的炙手可热的律师。

She remembers once having seen a picture of George W.

她记得曾经看过乔治·W·布什的照片。

Bush at his wedding.

布什在婚礼上。

Even then, Ford could see that Kavanaugh had been accepted into the powerful DC inner sphere—the same milieu she had always felt rejected by and had rejected in turn.

即使在那时，福特也能看到卡瓦诺已经被强大的华盛顿内部圈子所接受——她一直感到被拒绝并反过来拒绝了同样的环境。

For Ford, the disaffection is more than a matter of taste.

对于福特来说，不满不仅仅是品味问题。

It’s a matter of family.

这是家庭的问题。

In One Way Back , she reveals that she has often felt like a black sheep in their world of Washington power players.

在《回归之路》一书中，她透露，在华盛顿权力人物的世界里，她经常感觉自己像一只害群之马。

Her testimony against Kavanaugh has only hardened this estrangement.

她针对卡瓦诺的证词只会加剧这种隔阂。

With one exception, her brothers have not spoken to her since she appeared in Congress.

自从她出现在国会以来，除了一个例外，她的兄弟们没有和她说过话。

Later, she found out that her father, a severe and conservative military type, had written an e-mail to Brett Kavanaugh’s father—the men are members of the same golf club—expressing his gratitude that Kavanaugh had been confirmed to the Supreme Court.

后来，她发现她的父亲是一位严厉而保守的军人类型，他给布雷特·卡瓦诺的父亲写了一封电子邮件——这两个人都是同一家高尔夫俱乐部的成员——表达了他对卡瓦诺被最高法院确认的感激之情。

While the young Ford had fled Washington, heading to a California that was warmer both in climate and in spirit, Kavanaugh had fit himself seamlessly into the DC milieu of Ford’s parents.

当年轻的福特逃离华盛顿，前往气候和精神都更加温暖的加州时，卡瓦诺已经无缝地融入了福特父母在华盛顿的环境。

Soon he would achieve one of that world’s superlative honors.

很快他就会获得世界上最高的荣誉之一。

THERE ARE TWO WAYS TO EXPLAIN the moral wrong presented by Kavanaugh’s confirmation.

有两种方法可以解释卡瓦诺的确认所带来的道德错误。

One is to say that it is an insult to women when the men who rape, grab, beat, and demean us are elevated to positions of power, because their rise reaffirms that power is intended to maintain women’s subordination.

一种说法是，当那些强奸、抢夺、殴打和贬低我们的男性被提升到权力位置时，这是对女性的侮辱，因为他们的崛起再次证实了权力是为了维持女性的从属地位。

But there is another, perhaps more optimistic, way to explain what’s wrong when men like Kavanaugh are appointed to positions like the Supreme Court: it demeans the office if a man who does cruel and repugnant things is elevated to it.

但还有另一种或许更乐观的方式来解释当卡瓦诺这样的人被任命担任最高法院这样的职位时出了什么问题：如果一个做了残酷和令人反感的事情的人被提升到这个职位，那就贬低了这个职位。

In the first version, power rewards those who abuse it and works to keep hierarchies intact.

在第一个版本中，权力奖励那些滥用权力的人，并努力保持等级制度的完整性。

In the second, power can be something virtuous and noble, meant to ensure collective dignity, but its righteous purpose is corrupted and betrayed when power is given to bad people.

在第二种情况下，权力可以是道德和崇高的东西，旨在确保集体尊严，但当权力被授予坏人时，其正义目的就会被腐蚀和背叛。

Ford saw it the second way: she thought Kavanaugh wasn’t suited for the Court because what he did to her meant he wasn’t good enough for it.

福特有第二种看法：她认为卡瓦诺不适合出庭，因为他对她所做的事意味着他不够好。

Perhaps her most revealing and tragic mistake is that she assumed that other people would agree.

也许她最有启发性和悲剧性的错误是她认为其他人会同意。

That summer, as rumors of Kavanaugh’s impending nomination swirled, Ford began to tell people about what he’d done to her, first in candid conversations with her beach friends in Santa Cruz, then in a letter to her Palo Alto congresswoman, and then, finally, in a tip line to a reporter at the Washington Post .

那年夏天，随着卡瓦诺即将获得提名的谣言四起，福特开始告诉人们他对她做了什么，首先是在圣克鲁斯与她的海滩朋友坦诚交谈，然后是在给帕洛阿尔托国会女议员的一封信中，最后是在给《华盛顿邮报》记者的举报中。

The cascading series of events that followed were almost entirely outside of Ford’s control.

随后发生的一系列事件几乎完全超出了福特的控制范围。

Over the following months, the risks to her were steadily raised, and her own hopes had to be repeatedly lowered.

在接下来的几个月里，她面临的风险不断增加，而她自己的希望也不得不一再降低。

At first, she thought that her story, delivered quietly to her congressional representative, could prevent Kavanaugh’s nomination.

起初，她认为悄悄向国会代表讲述自己的故事可能会阻止卡瓦诺获得提名。

When he was nominated anyway, she thought maybe if she told more people, it would be withdrawn.

无论如何，当他被提名时，她想也许如果她告诉更多人，提名就会被撤回。

She tried to reassure herself: even if she couldn’t keep her identity a secret, at least her story would blow over quickly, and the public’s attention would move on.

她试图安慰自己：即使她不能保守自己的身份，至少她的故事会很快过去，公众的注意力也会转移。

When she was finally convinced to get a lawyer, she thought it was a formality.

当她最终被说服聘请律师时，她认为这只是一种形式。

When she was persuaded to fly to DC, it wasn’t initially clear that she would have to testify.

当她被说服飞往华盛顿时，最初并不清楚她是否必须出庭作证。

It wasn’t until she was literally walking into the hearing room that someone told her that there would be a camera inside; she had never anticipated being on television.

直到她真正走进听证室时，有人告诉她里面会有一个摄像头；她从没想过自己会出现在电视上。

This moment would singularly define her life and supplant everything she had been before.

这一刻将独特地定义她的生活并取代她以前的一切。

No one had bothered to tell her it was coming.

没有人费心告诉她它即将到来。

Ford sat uncomfortably in the hearing room, hot from the crowd and the lights, wearing a blue suit she never would have chosen for herself; it had been purchased for her the day before, by a lawyer.

福特坐在听证室里，感到很不舒服，人群和灯光让她很热，她穿着一套她永远不会为自己选择的蓝色西装；它是前一天由一位律师为她购买的。

The hearing goes by in a bit of a blur.

听证会进行得有点模糊。

But Ford speaks of her performance with pride.

但福特自豪地谈到她的表现。

Her nervousness gave way to resolve.

她的紧张情绪得到了缓解。

She was determined to be authentically herself, and used the language that was most familiar to her: she explained the brain’s basic memory functions, as if the Republicans’ demand of How do you know it was him?

她决心做真实的自己，并用了她最熟悉的语言：她解释了大脑的基本记忆功能，仿佛共和党人的要求“你怎么知道是他？”

could have possibly been asked in good faith.

可能是善意地询问的。

She described the humiliation of her assault with the peculiar and unforgettable summation, “indelible in the hippocampus is the laughter.” Even by the standards of #MeToo’s skeptics, Ford was superlatively credible: professional, articulate, consistent, and patient.

她用奇特而难忘的总结来描述自己遭受袭击的屈辱：“海马体中不可磨灭的是笑声。”即使按照#MeToo 怀疑论者的标准来看，福特也是极其可信的：专业、善于表达、始终如一且耐心。

She betrayed sadness but never anger, and frequently repeated that she wanted to be of help.

她流露出悲伤，但从未愤怒，并经常重申她想提供帮助。

She didn’t waver when the same questions were asked over and over again; she didn’t lose her temper at Chuck Grassley, even though she wanted to.

当同样的问题被一遍又一遍地问到时，她并没有动摇；她并没有对查克·格拉斯利发脾气，尽管她想这么做。

For a brief moment, for those of us watching at home, it seemed as if the power of her testimony might actually change the outcome of the nomination.

有一瞬间，对于我们这些在家观看的人来说，她的证词的力量似乎实际上可能会改变提名的结果。

Ford went back to her hotel, and didn’t watch Kavanaugh’s testimony, in which the judge screamed red-faced into his microphone and sarcastically talked back to the senators.

福特回到酒店，没有观看卡瓦诺的证词，证词中法官红着脸对着麦克风尖叫，并讽刺地与参议员顶嘴。

She says she has still never seen it.

她说她还没见过。

She left the Capitol exhausted but relieved.

她离开国会大厦时精疲力竭，但松了口气。

She had been perfect up there.

她在那里已经很完美了。

But all he had to do was be angry.

但他所要做的就是生气。

IN ONE WAY BACK , the Ford we see after that day in 2018 is less playful and, out of necessity, less trusting.

一方面，我们在 2018 年的那一天之后看到的福特汽车不再那么好玩，而且出于必要，也不再那么值得信赖。

In the days and weeks that followed her testimony, senators and the president went on television to mock her.

在她作证后的几天和几周里，参议员和总统在电视上嘲笑她。

She was subjected to a deluge of threats and vicious cruelty online.

她在网上遭受了大量的威胁和恶毒的虐待。

There were people with credible plans to kill her, and she couldn’t go back to her own home for months.

有人有可信的计划要杀死她，而她几个月都无法回到自己的家。

For a long time, Ford needed full-time bodyguards, which did not come cheap.

长期以来，福特需要全职保镖，而这并不便宜。

She still utilizes a remote service that scans the internet for threats and calls her whenever there’s a serious one—something that usually happens around elections and also, for some reason, every New Year’s Eve.

她仍然使用远程服务扫描互联网上的威胁，并在出现严重威胁时给她打电话——这种情况通常发生在选举前后，出于某种原因，每年除夕夜也会发生。

As a result, Ford has become a minor expert in personal security.

结果，福特成了个人安全方面的小专家。

She seems to have rehearsed every terrible scenario in her mind, giving out safety tips and tricks to her readers.

她似乎在脑海中演练过每一个可怕的场景，为读者提供安全提示和技巧。

If you think someone is following your car, don’t speed up, she says—instead, pull into the right lane and slow down dramatically.

她说，如果您认为有人跟踪您的车，请不要加速，而是驶入右侧车道并大幅减速。

Set up motion-activated lights outside your house to spook would-be attackers.

在屋外设置动作感应灯来吓唬潜在的攻击者。

Get a dog.

养只狗。

Ford’s most dramatic injuries are psychic.

福特最严重的伤害是精神上的。

She has the constant anxiety of people whose lives have been changed in a sudden catastrophe, like a car crash.

她对那些生活因一场突如其来的灾难（如车祸）而改变的人感到持续的焦虑。

And she has difficulty grieving her old life.

她很难对自己的旧生活感到悲伤。

“For an entire year after testifying, I didn’t teach,” Ford writes.

“作证后整整一年，我都没有教书，”福特写道。

“I mostly only left my house to go to therapy.” Not long after the testimony, her husband bought her a fuzzy gray Ugg-brand blanket, and she spent months underneath it—some days too scared of the threats against her to risk going outside, other days just too shell-shocked and devastated to consider leaving the house.

“我大部分时间只离开家去接受治疗。”作证后不久，她的丈夫给她买了一条毛茸茸的灰色 Ugg 品牌毯子，她在毯子下待了几个月——有时，她太害怕自己受到的威胁，不敢冒险出去，而另一些时候，她则因为震惊和沮丧而不敢考虑离开家。

If the lead-up to the testimony had been a whirlwind of decisions and activity, the months that followed were a long, slow denouement, one with little in the way of action but an excess of emotional wretchedness.

如果说作证之前的决定和活动都是旋风式的，那么接下来的几个月就是一个漫长而缓慢的结局，几乎没有什么行动，但情绪上却充满了痛苦。

She spent a very long time awed and horrified by what had become of her, subsumed in the stillness of shock.

她花了很长一段时间对自己的遭遇感到敬畏和恐惧，沉浸在震惊的寂静之中。

How to describe this quiet devastation, the mourning and terror that follows disaster?

如何描述这场无声的破坏、灾难后的哀悼和恐怖？

Ford is sometimes a bit ashamed of how hard she took the blow.

福特有时会为自己承受的沉重打击感到有点羞愧。

She compares herself to Anita Hill, who told Ford that she went back to teaching just three days after her own testimony, and wonders if maybe the older woman is better than her, made of tougher stuff.

她将自己与安妮塔·希尔（Anita Hill）进行了比较，安妮塔·希尔告诉福特，她在作证后三天就回去教书，并想知道这位年长的女人是否比她更好，由更坚强的人组成。

Self-censure, alienation, paranoia: such is the psychic territory many women traverse after rape, too.

自我谴责、疏远、偏执：这也是许多女性在被强奸后经历的心理领域。

It’s a journey that is arduous, claustrophobic, dark, and, on the surface at least, profoundly uneventful.

这是一段艰难、幽闭、黑暗的旅程，至少从表面上看，非常平静。

Ford tells it straight: she stayed home in comfortable clothes, surveying what was left of her life.

福特直言不讳地说：她穿着舒适的衣服呆在家里，审视着她的生活还剩下什么。

The smallness of her world has persisted.

她的世界依然狭小。

“I used to love taking road trips and would regularly drive from Palo Alto to Los Angeles every weekend to surf,” she writes.

“我曾经喜欢公路旅行，每个周末都会定期从帕洛阿尔托开车去洛杉矶冲浪，”她写道。

“But now it’s a big deal for me to go to a new coffee shop.” Later, she recounts the perverse relief she felt at the outset of the pandemic, when she realized that she could go out with less fear and shame when she was wearing a mask.

“但现在去一家新咖啡馆对我来说是一件大事。”后来，她讲述了在疫情爆发之初，当她意识到戴上口罩外出时可以减少恐惧和羞耻时，她感到了一种反常的解脱。

Ford was in her early fifties when she testified, but in her descriptions of her life before that moment, she has the curiosity and openness of a teenager.

福特作证时才五十岁出头，但在她对在那之前的生活的描述中，她有着青少年般的好奇心和开放性。

One gets the sense that she was not done becoming herself, that new versions of Christine would have emerged.

人们会感觉到她还没有完全成为自己，新版本的克里斯汀将会出现。

Those other futures—that capacity for self-invention—are among the things that she has lost.

她已经失去了其他的未来——自我创造的能力。

Early on in One Way Back , Ford recounts a conversation with a PR representative, one of the bevy of flacks who suddenly appeared in her once-humdrum California life in the dazed months surrounding the testimony.

在《单程回来》一书中，福特讲述了与一位公关代表的对话，在证词前后的几个月里，她一度单调的加州生活突然出现在她曾经单调乏味的加州生活中，而这位公关代表就是其中之一。

Ford called the PR firm upset about something in the press, frustrated that the media image of herself bore so little resemblance to the person she’d once known.

福特称公关公司对媒体上的一些事情感到不安，她对自己的媒体形象与她曾经认识的人几乎没有相似之处感到沮丧。

The PR rep cut off these ruminations.

公关代表打断了这些沉思。

“You can never be anything else now,” the rep told her.

“你现在再也不能成为其他人了，”代表告诉她。

“You can never be different than you were on that day.”

“你永远不会与那天有所不同。”

WHEN FORD BECAME A FAMOUS VICTIM, she was affixed in the public mind to her testimony, her assault, and her attacker.

当福特成为著名的受害者时，她的证词、她的攻击行为和袭击者的行为引起了公众的关注。

This hardening of identity is often what most disturbs the public survivor—the way it cleaves her life into before and after.

这种身份的强化往往是最让公众幸存者感到不安的事情——它将她的生活分为前后两部分。

Nearly a decade beyond #MeToo, we still do not know much about the after.

#MeToo 运动已经过去近十年了，我们仍然对之后的情况知之甚少。

At least, not for the women.

至少，对于女性来说不是。

There is a seemingly bottomless popular interest in the experiences of abusive men and in the afterlives of powerful figures who have been accused of sexual misconduct.

人们对施虐者的经历以及被指控性行为不端的有权势人物的死后似乎有着无穷无尽的兴趣。

Fiction, nonfiction, and film have contemplated their humiliation and rage, their professional downfalls, their denials or repentance, their rehabilitation or exile.

小说、非小说和电影都思考了他们的羞辱和愤怒、他们的职业失败、他们的否认或悔改、他们的平反或流放。

In 2019, Jane Mayer published a long profile in the New Yorker of former senator Al Franken, who resigned from office after being accused of groping and harassment by multiple women.

2019 年，简·梅耶尔在《纽约客》上发表了前参议员阿尔·弗兰肯的长篇简介，弗兰肯因被指控猥亵和骚扰多名女性而辞职。

Mayer’s piece dwelled sympathetically on Franken’s diminished circumstances, writing of how he puttered tragically around his home.

梅耶尔的文章对弗兰肯日益恶化的处境表示同情，写下了他如何悲惨地在家里闲逛。

In 2022, viewers were enthralled by Todd Field’s two-and-a-half-hour psychodrama Tár , about the exposure and downfall of a sexually predatory orchestra conductor, played by an exquisitely tailored Cate Blanchett.

2022 年，托德·菲尔德 (Todd Field) 的两个半小时心理剧《塔尔》(Tár) 令观众着迷，该剧讲述了一位性侵交响乐团指挥的曝光和堕落，由精心剪裁的凯特·布兰切特 (Cate Blanchett) 饰演。

In the aftermath of #MeToo, a number of allegedly abusive men have written long essays contemplating their predicament.

在#MeToo运动之后，一些涉嫌施虐的男性写了长篇文章来思考他们的困境。

The radio host John Hockenberry, accused of sexual harassment by several colleagues, wrote a lengthy Harper’s Magazine piece, “Exile,” in which he mourned the death of a sort of yearning old-timey romance in which he is a noble true believer.

电台主持人约翰·霍肯伯里（John Hockenberry）被几位同事指控性骚扰，他在《哈泼斯》杂志上写了一篇长篇文章《流放》，在文中他哀悼一种令人向往的老式浪漫的消亡，而他是这种浪漫的高尚忠实信徒。

In the New York Review of Books , the Canadian broadcaster Jian Ghomeshi’s “Reflections from a Hashtag” provided meandering thoughts on the author’s newfound infamy, which followed a criminal trial for multiple violent sexual assaults.

在《纽约书评》中，加拿大广播公司简·戈梅希 (Jian Ghomeshi) 的《标签反思》对作者因多起暴力性侵犯案进行刑事审判后新发现的恶名提供了一些蜿蜒的想法。

But the piece ended hopefully, with Ghomeshi flirting with a pretty stranger on a train.

但这部作品的结局充满希望，戈梅希在火车上与一个漂亮的陌生人调情。

The genre, by now, is an old one.

到目前为止，这一流派已经是一种古老的流派了。

Most of these works owe much to J.

这些作品大部分都归功于 J.

M.

M。

Coetzee’s 1999 novel, Disgrace , in which a South African professor’s impotent and humiliated life in the months after he is exposed for the rape of a student is mixed ominously with the end of apartheid.

库切 1999 年的小说《耻辱》讲述了一位南非教授在被揭露强奸一名学生后的几个月里过着无能和屈辱的生活，这与种族隔离的结束不祥地交织在一起。

For these figures, too, it’s less what they’ve done that pains them.

对于这些人物来说，让他们痛苦的也不是他们所做的事情。

It’s what happens when people find out.

当人们发现时就会发生这种情况。

Women do not typically receive this kind of prolonged attention in the aftermath of sexual violence.

女性在遭受性暴力后通常不会受到这种长期关注。

Their psychic life is not pried with pity or prurience; their paralysis or tragic humility is not mined for metaphor.

他们的心灵生活不会被怜悯或好色所撬动；他们的瘫痪或悲惨的谦卑并不是用来比喻的。

Part of what makes One Way Back such an unusual book is the simple fact that the warped afterlives of public survivors are so rarely depicted at all.

《一路走来》之所以成为一本不同寻常的书，部分原因在于一个简单的事实：公众幸存者扭曲的来世很少被描绘。

Women’s stories of what happened after their disclosures fail to capture the popular imagination in the way that stories of the accused do.

女性讲述的故事在揭露真相后未能像被告的故事那样抓住大众的想象力。

Maybe one reason for this is simple misogyny, that reflexive form of narrative sexism that leads us to imagine men as protagonists and women as tertiary characters.

也许其中一个原因就是简单的厌女症，即叙事性别歧视的反射形式，它导致我们将男性想象为主角，将女性想象为第三角色。

But there is something, too, about the intractability of the survivor’s position that can preclude the narrative tension that so often animates accused men’s stories.

但幸存者的立场也有一些棘手的地方，它可以排除被告人故事中经常出现的叙事张力。

She was wronged by the man, and then when she talks about it, she is wronged, too, by the society that refuses to care.

她被这个男人冤枉了，而当她说起这件事的时候，她也被这个拒绝关心的社会冤枉了。

No suspense is on offer here: the heroine has tried to change her world by telling a truth about herself, and she has failed.

这里没有悬念：女主人公试图通过讲述自己的真相来改变她的世界，但她失败了。

It is a story of narrative inaction, of a failure to effect change.

这是一个叙述不作为、未能实现变革的故事。

A story, that is, about the futility of storytelling itself.

一个故事，也就是说，讲故事本身是徒劳的。

ONE WAY BACK IS A DEEPLY self-conscious book, filled with commentaries on the process of its own writing and Ford’s fear—potent and reasonable—of what will be directed at her once it is published.

《回归》是一本具有深刻自我意识的书，书中充满了对自己写作过程的评​​论，以及福特对出版后将针对她的恐惧的恐惧——这种恐惧是强烈且合理的。

Her impulse is to avoid the spotlight, to simply fade away.

她的冲动是避开聚光灯，干脆消失。

As she puts it, “Why would I open myself up again?

正如她所说：“我为什么要再次敞开心扉？

Why would I throw myself back out to the sharks?” She’s conscious of the many ways her tone could be misinterpreted.

我为什么要把自己扔回鲨鱼身边呢？”她意识到她的语气可能会在很多方面被误解。

“As I’ve written this book, I’ve often worried that it will come off too negative,” she writes.

“当我写这本书时，我经常担心它会变得过于消极，”她写道。

“That in describing the horrible aspects of what happened to me, it won’t properly pay tribute to the people whose care literally kept me alive.” Why write this book now, years later, at the least commercially viable moment?

“在描述发生在我身上的可怕事情时，它并不能恰当地向那些照顾我、让我活下来的人致敬。”为什么要在几年后、在商业上最不可行的时刻写这本书呢？

Because she felt incapable of writing it earlier: “If you had asked me a couple of years ago why I wanted to write a book, I would have said I wanted to destroy the people behind the political machine that ruined my life,” Ford writes.

因为她早些时候觉得自己无法写出这本书：“如果你几年前问我为什么想写一本书，我会说我想摧毁毁了我生活的政治机器背后的人，”福特写道。

“Clearly, I wasn’t ready to tell this story.”

“显然，我还没准备好讲述这个故事。”

Ford thinks of her new authorship in the same way she conceived of her initial decision to testify: she feels a duty to other women.

福特对她的新作者身份的看法与她最初决定出庭作证的方式相同：她感到对其他女性负有责任。

After the hearing, Ford received thousands of letters; years later, she is still slowly making her way through them all.

听证会结束后，福特收到了数千封信件；多年后，她仍在慢慢地经历这一切。

The vast majority were messages of support from women around the world, and many included disclosures of the writers’ own rapes and assaults.

绝大多数都是来自世界各地女性的支持信息，其中许多还包括作者自己的强奸和袭击事件的披露。

The non-reporting women Ford had been made to represent did not remain abstractions to her; instead, their stories became almost suffocatingly material, cluttering her dining room and filling up boxes in her garage.

福特所代表的那些不报道的女性对她来说并不只是抽象的；她们是女性。相反，他们的故事变得几乎令人窒息，堆满了她的餐厅，填满了她车库里的盒子。

This is why Ford felt a responsibility to tell a story of triumph.

这就是为什么福特感到有责任讲述一个胜利的故事。

But a failure to be honest about what really happened would also betray the women who had believed in her.

但如果不诚实地讲述真实发生的事情，也会背叛那些相信她的女性。

“I wondered what it had done to all these letter writers to watch me testify and then see it not change the final decision,” Ford writes.

福特写道：“我想知道这些写信人看着我作证却没有改变最终决定，这对他们造成了什么影响。”

“I worried in the months—and then years—that followed that if I shrank back into hiding, it would send the wrong message to anyone I had helped, anyone who had been inspired to share their own story despite all the terrifying reasons to stay silent.” This is why she had to write a book, she reasons.

“在接下来的几个月乃至几年里，我担心如果我重新躲起来，就会向我帮助过的人、那些尽管有各种可怕的理由保持沉默却仍受到启发分享自己故事的人发出错误的信息。”她认为，这就是她必须写一本书的原因。

“It was as if I had crawled out of a cave only to walk back in and tell everyone else who was still hiding inside, ‘Don’t go out there, it’s not worth it.’”

“就好像我从一个山洞里爬出来，然后又走回来，告诉所有还躲在里面的人，‘不要出去，那不值得。’”

#MeToo was supposed to be a moral revolution.

#MeToo 应该是一场道德革命。

Following along in the media, livestreaming Ford’s testimony on our laptops, checking the push alerts about new accusers—all of this was supposed to provide a kind of education in the wrongness and pervasiveness of rape, to generate a “reckoning” that would help us all be kinder, more careful with one another, less complicit in gendered exploitation.

关注媒体、在笔记本电脑上直播福特的证词、检查有关新指控者的推送警报——所有这些都应该提供一种关于强奸的错误性和普遍性的教育，以产生一种“清算”，帮助我们所有人更加友善，彼此更加小心，减少性别剥削的同谋。

We were supposed to be changed by these women’s self-exposure, and what was then euphemized as the difficulty of this moment was supposed to be worth it.

我们应该被这些女性的自我暴露所改变，然后被委婉地称为这一刻的困难应该是值得的。

We were supposed to honor their sacrifice by changing our own behavior.

我们应该通过改变自己的行为来纪念他们的牺牲。

We did not.

我们没有。

The plundering of public survivors’ psyches during #MeToo—their vulnerability and humiliation, their drained emotions and bank accounts, their curtailed prospects and usurped identities, their rage and grief and degradation—appears, in retrospect, to have been less about our edification than about our entertainment.

#MeToo运动期间对公众幸存者心理的掠夺——他们的脆弱和羞辱，他们枯竭的情绪和银行账户，他们的前景被削弱和篡夺的身份，他们的愤怒、悲伤和堕落——回想起来，与其说是为了我们的启迪，不如说是为了我们的娱乐。

Ford and many, many women like her sacrificed their anonymity to let us rummage through their lives for lessons.

福特和许多像她一样的女性牺牲了自己的匿名性，让我们从她们的生活中寻找教训。

It was a gesture of desperation but also one of hope.

这是一种绝望的姿态，但也是一种希望。

I’m no longer sure it was a wise one.

我不再确定这是明智之举。

Maybe this is another reason why the accusing women’s post-#MeToo stories are so rarely told.

也许这就是为什么指责女性的“#MeToo”后故事很少被讲述的另一个原因。

It would be too painful to look at that bitter denouement—too dishonorable for us, too brutally discouraging for other victims.

看到这样痛苦的结局实在是太痛苦了——对我们来说太不光彩了，对其他受害者来说太残酷了。

For all its overdue honesty and historical corrections, the triumphalist account of #MeToo actually allowed us to avoid looking at inconvenient truths.

尽管迟来的诚实和历史修正，#MeToo 的必胜主义叙述实际上让我们避免看到令人难以忽视的事实。

Cutting off Ford’s story after her testimony meant that her courage could be our triumph; looking away meant that her suffering did not need to be our shame.

在福特作证后切断她的故事意味着她的勇气可能是我们的胜利；把目光移开意味着她的痛苦不必成为我们的耻辱。

Moira Donegan is a writer and feminist living in San Francisco.

莫伊拉·多尼根是一位居住在旧金山的作家和女权主义者。